10 Tips for Parents of Children in Shidduchim

Welcome to the concluding segment of the 10K but the Israel series entitled gaining strength with every shidduch suggestion. One of the overarching themes behind the formation of 10K but the Israel is that every shidduch suggestion has purpose. While the shidduch process can be challenging, long, and sometimes even seemingly feel to be lacking in purpose, it's important to remind ourselves that there is no hishtadlus on any level and no suggestion and no first date that is without reason or value. It is with this in mind that we started this series gaining strength with every shidduch suggestion. We hope that you leave feeling renewed purpose and strength with every bit of hishtadlus put in wherever you are in the process. And may these efforts translate into increased siyata d'Shmaya in everyone's individual journey toward the chuppah. Having just come through Tu B'Av reminds us that timing is everything and that this is a particularly promising time to be involved in shidduchim in any role. It is a great honor to introduce our speaker, Rabbi Ephraim Goldberg, shlita. Rabbi Ephraim Goldberg serves as a senior rabbi of the Boca Raton Synagogue, which is the largest Orthodox synagogue in the Southeast United States. His dynamic breadth of Torah knowledge, and personal warmth has helped make Boca Raton a destination of choice as a home for many Jewish families. He's involved as co-chair of the Rabbinical Kashruth, director of conversions for the Beth Din of Florida, and is the posek of the Boca Raton's mikvah. Nationally, he serves as vice president of the Rabbinical Council of America, as a member of the board of trustees of the Beth Din of America, the editorial committee of Tradition, and the AIPAC National Council. He and his Rebbetzin, Yocheved, are the parents of seven children, bli ayin hara. There's more to say, but I'm running out of breath, and I know you're all waiting to hear from Rabbi Goldberg. So, without further ado, Rabbi Efrem Goldberg, shlita. Thank you so much, Joel. I appreciate uh your kind introduction, uh truly, and thank you for this opportunity to participate in such an illustrious uh group of presenters tackling what are critically important topics for an amazing, amazing organization, an organization that 10K Battei Yisrael, who really are role models to all of us about channeling tragedy into triumph, taking pain and turning it into purpose, and the difference that's making in Klal Yisrael, Yishar Koach, it should be successful and have only bracha, and again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for this opportunity to be able to address you this evening. It's a very difficult topic, and uh it's a difficult to understand who's here, who's part of this conversation tonight. Cuz when you talk about parents of children who are dating, it's a very diverse set of parents. You might be talking about parents of 19-year-olds who are just setting out on that journey, hopefully one that will be quick. You could be talking about parents of those in their 30s, 40s, and beyond. You might be talking about parents from Chassidishe background or Yeshivishe background or Modern background. So, who is the audience? You know, thanks to a Zoom, I see a lot of black boxes and a lot of names, but very few faces. So, I'll just try to share some overarching principles, some thoughts that I think can apply universally. Hopefully, they're relevant to all of us who have children in shidduchim, to all of us who will have children in shidduchim. Things to keep in mind now, and things to keep in mind for the future. And lastly, as a disclaimer and introduction, I am very far from an expert in this topic, most topics. I'm just sharing with you based on my experience as a parent, as a rav who's involved, as a somebody whose wife is involved in making shidduchim, and in my conversation with many sharchanim, including among them, and I'm grateful to my sister-in-law Lisa Berger and others for sharing their feedback. So, okay, with that background, that disclaimer, let's jump in. Let's start with what's not to do. I just saw an article last week about a a woman who was interacting with her grandfather over technology during Corona. She was unable to visit with him, and it was a cute article talking about the wit and the wisdom that her grandfather shared with her back and forth. And one of the text messages that her grandfather sent to her is an example of gets us started with what not to do. He wrote to her, "This is Grandpa. I read an article that said if you do not find a life partner by 29, you're most likely to die alone. Your birthday's coming up in 3 months. Just wanted to let you know. Love Grandpa." That is a perfect poster example of what not to do as parents of children who are in shidduchim. So, what should we do? What's the proper behavior? There's so much try to unpack and tackle on this question, and at least we'll begin the conversation. Happy to take questions and have the conversation afterwards as well. I want to share with you 10 insights tonight, 10 thoughts, 10 principles, 10 rules for parents of children in shidduchim. Number one. number one is priorities and values. We are so focused when a person has a child in shidduchim, a son or a daughter, we're very focused on the other party. We have to find a shadchan who will make that introduction. What is the resume that we're looking at from the others? I hate that word resume. I prefer profile, biography. You're not applying for a job. You're not worthy and so grateful for the opportunity for the interview. But that aside, we are receiving resumes of the other. We are dissecting and analyzing and evaluating, making those reference calls and interrogations and investigations. We're so focused in the shidduch process on behalf of our children or in support of our children or alongside our children, we're very focused on the other party. Who it should be and what we're looking for and do they qualify and what's said about them and who are their references and which resume should make its way to the top of the pile. But I want to learn with you for a few moments tonight a sugia in the Gemara, a sugia really in halacha that could lend a different insight onto where our focus should be and how we're misguided if we exclusively or even mostly focus only on the other party rather than also look in the mirror ourselves and for our children. The Gemara in Sotah daf bet mem aleph, which is of course one of the critical focal texts, one of the central texts having to do with shidduchim bashert, the whole institution or concept of bashert. The Gemara says the following. Amar Rabbi Shmuel bar Yitzchak give a passuk Reish Lakish b'Sotah. When Reish Lakish would open up his lecture, his teaching, his drasha about about Sotah, amar Rabbi Akiva, he would say, "Ein mezavgin l'adam ishah ela l'fi ma'asav." That in heaven, that the Ribono shel Olam, the Almighty, when he finds a mate, when he finds a spouse, when he designates who one should spend their life with, it is l'fi ma'asav. It's according to who you are and what your worthiness is. And the Gemara quotes a possuk. And by the way, when Hashem does this, being a shadchan, this isn't my topic, I know it was the topic, I believe last time, my good friend Charlie Harary, but kashin l'zavgin, if a shadchan finds frustration, if it's difficult, if you have to stay resilient, know that for Hashem as well it's difficult. Kashin l'zavgin, for Hashem it's as difficult to make a viable lasting match as kashin l'zavgin. And we know the statistics bear that out today, the divorce rate in the general society, the divorce rate even within the Torah community, it's a miracle. If you are in a happy marriage, a lasting marriage, a harmonious marriage, you are living a miracle, you do not have to look further, you don't have to say God, if only you revealed yourself to me, you are witnessing and you are living and you are watching an actual miracle. But the Gemara asks a question, how could you say m'zavgin l'fi ma'asav, how can you say that people are paired according to their worthiness, according to their deeds? Ploni l'ploni, we all know that 40 days before conception begins, before conception takes place, a heavenly voice declares who is meant for whom. The ultimate shadchan in the sky declares definitively what is the right shidduch. By his ploni l'ploni, so the ploni l'ploni, the shidduch, the notion of a bashert in the shidduch is not only true in the world of marriage, it's true in the world of business and so on. So how can you say that it's based on worthiness? I thought Hashem determined. No matter what choices we make in this world, no matter how we expressed our free will, it's already been predetermined whom we're meant to be with. So the Gemara answers somewhat cryptically, lo kasha, not a question. It depends. Are we talking about the first match? Are we talking about the second match? The Gemara says if you're talking about the first match, it's based on the the bascal. If you're talking about the second match, then we're talking about the theme of according to our worthiness. So, how do you define Zivug Rishon Zivug Sheni? What does it mean the first or the second? Is this a chronological comment the Gemara Gittin also has the Gemara Gittin daf tzadi also invokes this contrast Zivug Rishon Zivug Sheni, a first marriage, a second marriage. Leave out that Sugya for now. The Gemara Gittin daf tzadi also invokes that contrast of a Zivug Rishon Zivug Sheni of a first match and a second match. So, Tosafos in Sotah has one explanation. Rashi says Zivug Rishon L'fi Mazal. First Zivug is based on our fortune and Zivug Sheni L'fi Mazal. Tosafos Shantz one of the Baalei Tosafos says Zivug Sheni is K'gon Alman L'almana, a widow and a widower is a second marriage. But a Bachur Shen Oso Almana O Ikra D'kima Zivug Rishon. If one has never been married before, that's like a first marriage. Many, many interpretations are offered, but I want to share with you the insight of Rav Dessler of the Michtav M'Eliyahu. And I share with you not just because Talmud Torah, though tonight is about Talmud Torah as much of course as anything else, but the Talmud Torah is insightful to us. You're a parent, you have children in Shidduchim. Listen critically, listen carefully. The message to our children is not they're perfect, they're arrived, they're interviewing others. The others have to be worthy, they can submit their resumes and we should call their references and do the investigation. The message to our children is following based on Rav Dessler. Says Rav Dessler, what's the difference of a Zivug Rishon and a Zivug Sheni? He says Nira Sh'kavana Sh'a Zivug Hanikva B'vas Kol Hu Bo Ofen Sh'shneihem M'mal'im Es Tafkideihem B'shleimus. The heavenly voice that goes out and declares definitively and conclusively this one's meant for that one is when both are living their ideal lives. When both are living the best version of themselves, this who is Ro'ui, this who is right for one another. Az Ro'ui M'zala Zeh, V'zala Zu L'fi Atchalas Hanigvas B'vriah, V'zeh Nikra Zivug Rishon. Zivug Rishon is our ideal selves. So, our ideal selves have a proper shidduch. Our ideal selves, the heavenly voice has declared and designated who's right for us. However, im me'at me'at k'chul ha'olam kulo, if we're less than our ideal, if we're living less than our best selves, if we're not who we can be and who we're meant to be, as mizaveg l'fi ma'aseh, so also sha'ah, v'zeh nikra zivug sheini. It's a ma'amar d'R' Akiva Shatz. Our Rav Dessler says Rav Dessler, zivug rishon and zivug sheini are not chronological. It's not talking about a first marriage or a second marriage. It's talking about there is the ideal of who we could be and someone is designated for our ideal, but there's the reality of who we are. When we look in that mirror, not the funny mirror that makes us look the way we want, not the mirror that's a mirage that makes us appear the way we wish or dream to be, but when we look in the accurate, real mirror, who are we and what do we find? What are our middos? How do we carry ourselves? Are we realizing, are we pursuing, are we fulfilling our potential? Are we our better or best selves? That is zivug rishon. The bas kol, that heavenly voice, that godly shadchan, the whole institution of bashert is only for our best selves. So, what does that mean and what is the takeaway and what is point number one I want to share with you based on Rav Dessler is the message to our children is of course we're looking for a candidate of a life partner. We're looking for a compatible match. We're looking for someone who has shared values and shared vision, who will be a partner, but we have to look in the mirror to see our worthiness. The process of shidduchim and the weeks, months, and years leading up to it are not just about defining what we're looking for in the other, but defining who we are ourselves. How can we be a path not only of of survival, but of growth? How can we be our better selves? What are we offering? What are we projecting? What are we presenting? Because because ultimately the Almighty will pair us off. Ultimately the Almighty will designate a shidduch in reality worthiness. As parents, we should build confidence with our children. It's a critical value. Our children need to project that confidence if they're going to be successful in all areas of life, job interviews, certainly in shidduchim. But it's not only about building confidence in our children. It's about having our children build paths and trajectories of growth. To not view they've arrived and they're the ones who are interviewing the other. But who are they and what do they offer? What's the reality check on the lives they're living? Is it consistent and match with the lives that we and they dream for themselves? Are they on that path or that trajectory for the household, for the family, for the Shabbos table that we want the other person to be worthy for them? So, the shidduch process as parents is not just about the conversations of what our child is looking for in the other, but it's who they are, what they're looking for, what they're demanding of themselves. Because who will be designated for them, who will be their bashert, who Hashem has in store is consistent not with who they dream they would be, not who they want to want to be, but who they are in reality. And we need to reinforce and support and help them on that path towards growth. Rav Pam once related in the parsha shiyur on Chayei Sarah in the Jewish on the topic of shidduchim, he said the bachurim who are starting to date often ask what type of girl should they look for. They ask their rebbeim, they ask others, what should they look for in another? So, Rav Pam chuckled and he said imagine that you meet me at the Port Authority and there's so many options and so many buses that you can get on. And you say, "Which is a good bus for me to take? What bus should I take?" An absurd question. You have to decide where do you want to go and then you know which bus to take. You have to decide where are you heading in life. What do you want your life to be 5 and 10 and 20 and in 50 and 60 years when you grow old with someone, and then you look for a partner, you look for the other party who's going to help you pursue that dream, that goal, that path to be able to achieve that. So, point number one is parents is not to only focus as if our children are perfect and the other party has to be worthy. We'll investigate, we'll analyze, we'll research, we'll accept, and we'll review resumes, but rather we have to place an emphasis as well on ourselves as role models for our children, on our family and who we are when we're going to be spoken about, when people will relate to us, when people will refer to how they well they know us, and for our children ourselves in the shidduch process, lafin ma'asav, to keep reminding them, look in the mirror, don't only look out the window at others. The shidduch process is a huge magnifying glass. It's fraught and it's filled with challenges, with the need for patience, with frustration, with disappointment, with rejection, even with loneliness. It's filled with all of this, but there are also opportunities and there are invitations for personal growth in all the relationships in our lives. Now, the Mishnah in Pirkei Avot is often the Mishnayos relate to the number three. Three things remove you from the world and three things the world rests on. Three this, three that, three the other thing. The Maharal, the great Maharal of Volozhin, as well say that every time you see the number three in Pirkei Avot, it's a reference to the three relationships we have in our lives. We normally focus on two, bein adam l'chavero, between us and our friend, interpersonal relationships, and bein adam l'makom, between us and God. But they point out there's a third dimension, there's a third relationship, arguably the most important, arguably if it's not healthy, neither can the other two be. And that is the relationship bein Adam atsmo. What is our relationship with ourselves? How well do we know ourselves? What dreams and aspirations ambitions do we have for ourselves? How much do we hold ourselves accountable? How much do we push ourselves? How much have we studied? What's my mission? Why am I here? Who am I meant to be? What difference am I meant to make in this world? And I would argue to you my friends that as parents of children in shidduchim, we have an opportunity to grow in all three of these realms. We know the makom we'll talk more about but it's an opportunity shidduchim for emunah and bitachon for dveykus. It's an opportunity to remember that we cannot show excessive hishtadlus. It's not a time for excessive initiative. We have to do the proper initiative we'll talk about that balance soon but we also have to have tremendous faith that there's a God there's a creator there's a great shaliach in the sky. We have to get out of his way and let him do his job sometimes. It is an exercise it is an effort it is an invitation to grow being Adam makom and to show our children that we have faith that we have confidence in Hashem that we submit and surrender to him that we're not trying to micromanage or control that we won't allow our emotions to be a roller coaster of joy of disappointment but that we're able to stay steady that we're able to be resilient in our faith in Hashem. Being Adam we can teach our children that this is an invitation an opportunity to not only exhibit but to grow in our being Adam shidduchim. Shidduchim do we show good middos? Do we get back do we get back in a timely fashion? Do we express hakaras hatov? Do we express gratitude that someone thought about our child to us when we took the time of references? When we asked a lot of questions the entire process is filled with invitations and opportunities to grow in our being Adam shidduchim to express gratitude and hakaras hatov and being Adam atsmo. It is a time at self. It is a time to hold up a collective mirror to ourselves our family and to our children and say it's not only about the other party, it's about looking for who we are because we will be matched, you my child will be matched based on who you are and the family will be matched based on who we are and as much as we're working on looking at others, we must be working on looking in the mirror at ourselves. All of that is point number one. Point number two. Parents of children in shidduchim and I recognize and I respect that I'm talking to people from diverse segments of the community and there is a spectrum of the degree to which parents are involved in their children's shidduchim. From being the ones who receive the resumes and filter through them and suggest if not actually dictate to the child who their next date will be to simply playing a supportive role or having to give permission, parents have different degrees, different levels of involvement interaction with children. But I want to share with you that whatever community you're coming from, whatever degree, don't interfere too much. This is critical point number two in my opinion. Our children are old enough to be getting married. They still need and they will always need just as we who even our parents or grandparents still need and rely on the wisdom and the insight and the love of our parents, they will always need our love. But it's time to pull back a little bit. It's time to cut the umbilical cord a little bit. It's time to set our children up for success, a successful launch for life and to not baby them and to not spoil them and to not make them so dependent on us, they will be incapable of living independent lives themselves. Rabbi Yaakov Galinsky, the author of Igarta, says in a dvar Torah about Yitzchak and Rivka bringing Rivka home to the tent of his mother and Rivka, so to say, to a degree replaced his mother and the relationship of Rivka to his mother, Rabbi Yaakov Galinsky in Igarta has a whole beautiful essay on that topic and in it he says the following. U'kvar peirush kach es habracha, with the insight he offers there, many explain the bracha that you and we should be zocheh to heard to hear under the chuppah of our children and for the subsequent nights of Sheva Brachot. When a young couple stand under the chuppah, we say "Sameach t'sameach re'im ahuvim k'sameach Adam v'Chava b'Gan Eden m'kedem." May the joy of these re'im ahuvim, may the joy of these loving friends of this chassan and kallah, may it be the joy b'Gan Eden m'kedem. Let it be a throwback to the unbridled joy that Adam and Chava had in Gan Eden, in the Garden of Eden, in antiquity, back all the way m'kedem. "Zivug hagun l'zivug ha'mushlam ba'olam." Adam v'Chava b'Gan Eden. One of the brachot that we're bestowing upon our young chassan and kallah is may they have the joy, the happiness of Adam and Chava. What does that mean? So, the classic insight is, giving you Sheva Sheva Brachot divrei Torah, to please God say at your children's Sheva Brachot, the classic insight is that Adam and Chava didn't go see a shadchan. And Adam and Chava didn't have piles of resumes. And Adam and Chava didn't have to sign up for websites. There was one girl for Adam, and there was one guy for Chava. Each one knew the other was the only one, the exclusive, the singular person for them. They had no hesitation, and they had no deliberation, and they had no regret, and they had no desire to see what else was out there. But, they knew definitively they were the only other one, and that's our hope and our bracha for the chassan and kallah is let them be as confident as Adam and Chava were in each other, as confident that this is their kallah, this is their chassan. But, that's not what Yankel Likelinski says. Listen to what he says, and I'm an in-law, so I'm allowed to say this. He says, "Madua? Why are we giving a bracha they should be like Adam and Chava?" "Ki lo hayu lahem choshen v'choshena, she'ish arev yode'a, v'yashmi b'choris v'yafeh rosh ocher." Because Adam and Chava didn't have parents or in-laws. There was no one to interfere. There was no one to boss them around. There was no one to micromanage. There was no one to hold their hand and to to them from being depend independent. And therefore, we give a bracha to our chassan and kallah they should be like Adam and Chava, independent and proud. Of course, of course, we have traditions from our parents, we have a courtesy of gratitude from our parents. We turn to our parents for wisdom, for advice, for suggestions, for life lessons, for precedent, for customs, for practices. We desperately need our parents. But as parents, we also need to know to cut the umbilical cord. And in the shidduch process is an educational process. It is a transition time in our children's lives that yes, we're there in a supporting role, but we need to set them up for a successful launch. Because if we micromanage, if we spoil, if we don't teach them independence, they will have a failure to launch in their lives. If we hold their hand too much in the shidduch process, what happens if that's what we're doing on their way to the chuppah, when they walk away from the chuppah? And when we're not living in their home, and we're not there to solve and resolve every fight or disagreement or mediate or moderate the differences that are only natural for people and particularly a young couple to have? Are we also going to be invited into their lives to that intimate degree? And there can't be a stark stop at the point on the way to the chuppah and from the chuppah. And so, as parents of children in shidduchim, it's a time to ask ourselves, how can we set up our children for a successful launch in life? If they're old enough to get married, they're old enough to start taking achrayus for their decisions. Yes, to consult with us, and yes, to have input and influence from us, but ultimately to take responsibility, achrayus, for their lives. The Gemara Chullin daf pei daled tells us something. L'olam yochal adam b'ishah pachus m'she'eish lo. A person should always live a lifestyle that is conservative. A person should live less than their means. Pachus m'she'eish lo. V'yilbash beged pachus m'she'eish lo. Live a lifestyle less than. Don't go into credit card debt. Don't try to compete and spend more than you have. Live a modest lifestyle. Live within your means. The habit is to ban of but when it comes to how one cares for a wife for a spouse and children you saw me my she is low. When it comes to taking care of your spouse and your children one should take care and provide for them with more than you have. More than you have. It's grossly irresponsible. What do you mean more than you have? Go into debt? Says the Gamara no. Why? She ain't doing bow for who tall Louie the mission armor the higher alum. Because the man the breadwinner whether literally or metaphorically literally the man of the home who's meant to be the breadwinner who's meant to take a who's meant to provide for his family. Pain to Louie and bow they the family rest and rely on him not his parents not his in-laws not his grandparents. On him. The who tall Louie the mission armor the higher alum and he should provide for them even more than his means because he needs to learn to take a level of a responsibility that he can lean and turn and depend on Hashem. So this is a time and again I recognize and I respect and I leave to you and the community you're from and your own personal rebellion and those having a on you to determine what degree you should pull back and let your child take a and to what degree you should be involved with your child. But at least have an awareness and a mindfulness. At least be thoughtful and intentional. That this is a time in a child's life to teach a and responsibility. I'm sure my love it and see what's more says a beautiful essay. He quotes the Yerushalmi and be cool the Yerushalmi and be cool and says that a wise man and a son both a and a son and someone who's risen in greatness all more than the of no sir. Yerushalmi be cool and so I understand the wise man. I understand a person who's risen to greatness. Mochin Kol Avonosev, they are forgiven. But why the chosson? And we know we have this tradition that a chosson and a kallah the day of their chuppah, they are forgiven for the mistakes they had made, the transgressions they had performed. Says Rav Chaim Shmulevitz, I understand the chacham and I understand the gadol, but why the chosson and why the kallah? Says Rav Chaim Shmulevitz, you know why the chosson? Because the uniqueness of the chosson is this is someone who when they walk towards that chuppah is about to take achrayis. And a person who takes achrayis on their shoulders. A person who says, "Alai, I got this. On me. I will take responsibility. I will experience the consequences. I take accountability. I will work hard. I will provide. It's on me. I'm a grown-up. I'm an adult. I'm mature. I take achrayis." That such a person mochlin avonosev, Kodesh Boruch Hu wants to set that person up for success. Gives them a clean slate. Start from scratch. They're forgiven. That's Hashem's way of saying that since you've taken responsibility for others, I will take responsibility for you. I'll let you start again. I'll let you start from scratch. I'll let you start from the beginning. Maybe that's why chosson domeh l'melech. Just like the king bears the responsibilities of others, the chosson bears responsibility. So I understand this point is a little different for the parents of a of a boy and the parents of a girl, parents of a man, parents of a woman. However, the point remains the same. That our children can and should turn to us. We have a voice. We have influence. We have what to offer. But we have to be mindful and intentional to launch our children with success, not towards failure. To teach achrayis, responsibility. This is not me. This is not some modern idea. This is Chazal. This is the Torah's view of what marriage is all about. It's about achrayis. Yes, we can continue to help and to support. It's a tremendous brocha. It is an answer to our tfilos when our children want to learn, whether temporarily, however long, what a gift for the opportunity to continue to be able to help our children. But there's a difference between helping our children and emasculating our children. If we emasculate our children and render them impotent in life, they will not succeed in other areas. This is the time for when this child, this boy, or this girl, this young man, this young woman have determined and decided, "I'm ready to date. I'm ready to look for my bashert, my basher. I'm ready to get married and start to build my family." That is their invitation to grow and to transition towards independence, responsibility, and that's our job to teach it, to be mindful. As much as there's so much at stake, and as desperate as we are to ensure that nothing go wrong, to step in and micromanage and protect as we often want to do for our children, this is not the time if we want to set them up and launch them for success. Point number three, how much is Shabbos? This is a question that all parents grapple with. What effort, to what end, how far do we go? We love our children more than we love anything in the world, more than we love ourselves. In fact, only when our children have children of their own, will they learn and will they see how much we love them. We love our children. So, we'd go to the end of the earth, we'd move heaven and earth, we'd do everything we can. But, is that right? Is that what we're supposed to do? Is that the proper hashkafah to move heaven and earth? Is that what we believe? So, I want to read to you again from Sichos Mussar, Chaim Shmuelevitz, says elsewhere in Sichos Mussar, a different entry, a different essay. And he says the following, the Gemara tells us that Matrona Matrona Achas, that there was a one who challenged, "What is Hashem doing? He created the world in six days and he's had it pretty good since then. He retired at the end of that sixth day, he went into resting on Shabbos, and what has he been occupied and preoccupied with since then?" So, says Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz, "Habirah Beshe'eilta Shematronam, Mahu Osah Me'osah Achshav?" What is God doing from that time and until now? "Sha'af HaKadosh Baruchu Mechadesh Betuvo Bechol Yom Tamid Ma'aseh Bereishis." Even though God every day is renewing creation, we say in our davening that he did not set the world in motion and walk away and step away, but every day he has to remain involved. Every day he has to renew creation. He called my home. Since God set the world in motion with the natural order and the natural law, he knew that where do you see God? Where do you see God? 5,781 years ago, God in an extraordinary fashion created the world, created the rules of nature, and set the wheels in motion. And now the natural order still under God's direction, but the way we perceive it, the way we live it, the way we experience it is through the prism, through the filter of nature. So, since we think we're seeing a natural world in a natural order, where can one find Hashem? Where can one find revelation of Hashem? The Hashem exivukim. You're curious. You want to know, you want to see, what is Hashem busy with? It doesn't mean what is Hashem busy with as if we have some kind of retired, that God forbid he's lazy. We weren't asking what is he doing, what is he occupied with. We were asking, where can we find him revealed in this world? If everything around us looks like it's just nature and the natural order, where can we find revelation of Hashem? And that's what the answer was. You want to see Hashem's guiding hand, yoshev umizaveg zivugim. He is coordinating the intersection and the overlap of people who never belonged, who no one ever should have thought of being together, who never should have signed up for the same app, who no shadrach and should have met, who never should have been at the same event. And when you meet that couple, have you ever met a couple and you say, "Wow, he is so meant for and she for him. They are such a perfect couple and no one else could have been for them. Hashem is amazing. Hashem is amazing. Clearly he meant for them to be together and the process and the extraordinary circumstances in which they came together is Yad Hashem. It's revelation. It's miracle in our time. And what happens is Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz, it's a maiseh b'chol yom, every day parents of children's shidduchim, those themselves, singles who are looking to get married, we try to expedite the process. We try to rush God. We try to force God's hand. We try to go make it go faster than he intends or it's meant to go. And when we try to expedite it and we try to make it go faster and to accelerate it and we try to interfere, we ended up compromising. When we try to make it go faster, we ended up hurting the process. So says Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz, we have to be exceedingly careful as parents. Yes, we take initiative. You cannot just sit back and we cannot be passive and we cannot wait for miracles. We have to take initiative. We have to network. We have to have conversations. We have to talk on behalf of our children. Our children have to put themselves out there and live lives where others will think of them. Of course, we have to take initiative. But there's such a thing as excessive initiative. And if a person takes excessive initiative, then they don't have bitachon and emunah in Hashem. If we really cling and attach ourselves to God, dveikus Meshech Chochmah says milashon devek. Dveikus to cling and cleave to God. Devek means glue. Glue yourself to God. Attach yourself to God. God says, "I got your back. Stick with me." Devek, dveikus, stick, glue. Hashem says, "Stick with me. I've got you covered." He doesn't tell us the timetable. He doesn't tell us his plan of when it's going to happen. But he says, "Stick with me. Try to or interfere, don't stick with me, it could undermine and compromise what I'm trying to do. But if you stick with me, I've got a plan for you." So there's that right balance. There's the perfect intersection between the initiative that our children and that we need to take, but not taking excessive initiative where according to according to the Musar, we get in the way. This is an opportunity to grow, an invitation to improve in our Emunah, in our Bitachon, in our Dveikus, not only for our own children, for ourselves, but to Daven for others. But, I'll tell you something even more. The Vilna Gaon The Vilna Gaon has somewhat famous comment. The Vilna Gaon says, if there's any area of life to not only not show excessive Hishtadlus, as parents to not micromanage, and to not show excessive effort, and to not take extreme initiative, it's the area of Shidduchim. It's when it comes to our children or our own our own desire to get married. Why? Because this is the very area that tell us, this is what God has been doing. This is what God is occupied with. This is what God reveals his hand. So, if there's anywhere where we're supposed to step back and sit back, if there's anywhere where we're supposed to show some initiative, but not excessive, it is specifically in the area of Shidduchim. And the great the Vilna Gaon, at least in the literal interpretation of what he writes, goes so far as to say, take less initiative than normal. Don't take initiative. Let Hashem do his magic. That which the Gaon wrote, one should not take initiative in Shidduchim. Let Hashem do his job. Show your faith. You know, it's lip service, by the way. J- just If if you Daven, you go to Shul, and you shuckle like crazy, and you read Tehillim backwards and forwards 100 times a day, and you have a long essay in the Shul, and you bake 40 Challahs 40 times a day, and you do everything else under the sun cuz you talk about it every day, and you talk about it every day, and you talk about it every day. And now when it comes to the Shidduch and you're working for, when it comes to the actual date and how far it should go, when it comes to the process, all of a sudden you're not got out of the equation. You pushed him out of the way, you didn't invite him in the room, you didn't invite him in the conversation, you didn't invite him around the table, you did not invite him as one of the parties. By the way, he's one of the parents. The Kaddishin says the shalah shivim ba'adam, there are three parents to every child. It's not just the biological parents of this child who have a say in the shidduch. The senior partner and the senior say is Hashem himself. But how many of us not only don't give him the whole table, but we push him and exclude him from the table. Instead of every time we sit down with our child by ourselves to discuss, to deliberate, to receive resumes, to talk about who should be the next shidduch, to talk about how the shidduch is going, each time it should be introduced with Kodesh Baruch Hu, Ribono shel Olam, please join us. We need your siyata d'Shmaya. We want to feel your presence. It's your son. It's your daughter. It's our son. It's our daughter with you, Hashem. A little siyata d'Shmaya, a shtikil t'fillah at the beginning of every conversation about shidduchim should be an invitation to Hashem. I defer to you. We're just showing our hishtadlus. That's why we're here, but really you're in charge, really you're in control. So it says in Orach Chaim Zalman Auerbach, that which the Gra said specifically with shidduchim, we should less ein hakavana sh'leima l'hishtadel klum. Rak hishtadlus pachus m'ma she'hishtadel b'sha'ar tz'rachav. It doesn't mean don't show initiative at all, it means show less initiative. So if you work X hard at work, if you like work X hard, l'havdil, your tennis, your golf game, you work X hard in the daf yomi or your chesed projects, work less hard on shidduchim, not more. Wow, that's halacha l'maiseh of Zalman Auerbach, not me. The Vilna Gaon, the Gra, Rav Zalman, Chaim Shmuelevitz, sichos mussar, that as parents we have to realize there's such a thing as excessive, extreme hishtadlus, which means that we're lacking and we're failing in bitachon, emunah, and dveikus. We have to find that magic balance that in between, take our initiative, and show our effort, but get out of the way. Don't try too hard, and don't try too fast. You cannot rush Hashem. It's in his right time with the right person. He's in charge. He's in control. Submit, surrender, devek, devekus, stick with him. If you don't stick with him, and you try to figure it out on your own, then he will say, "I guess you're in charge." And so as parents, it's so so important to not take too much initiative, and to realize that there's no such thing as perfection. To be open-minded about who the potential mate of our child will be. Perfection doesn't exist. It doesn't exist within ourselves if we're honest. It doesn't exist in our own homes. The first point we made was about looking in the mirror. And therefore, we shouldn't be too narrow in the definitions of what we're looking for. We should be open-minded, and let Hashem do his magic. Let Hashem do his work. I have heard many stories of a person who that shidduch was read by accident, really meant the other person, and it turns out that was the bashert. They lived happily ever after. And if a person was too rigid, too narrow-minded, too focused, if a person had too set uh um a list, then they could never have let penetrate Hashem's greater plan for us. Be open-minded. Be fluid. And it doesn't mean to settle. One should never settle. The older you get doesn't mean you have to settle. We deserve happiness. We deserve the female according to who we are, our dreams, our wishes, our ambitions, and our drive. The older we get, and the older our children get, we don't have to accept or encourage them to ever settle. It means that we can re-prioritize. We could recognize that life is fluid. We can pivot. And we could recognize that what we thought was critically important last year or last decade is not as critically important today. What is important is to find the person who will have the qualities that we can grow old together, and that we can uh grow in our lifestyle of avodas Hashem together. Point number four, I realize the time is late. We're going to uh we're going to rush through some of these other points. Number four, what should we be looking for? We just alluded we just hinted to this. Perfection's off the table. There is no such thing. It is a mirage. It's an illusion. It is something that we will pursue and chase and never ever arrive at. So, stop. Let it go. Stop looking for it. What are the critical things? So, I I'll tell you that as a as a rav who receives regular reference calls, and it's a privilege and an opportunity and I'm grateful to be able to contribute to whatever degree I can to my BRS family to help them find their their mates. But, they're not always easy phone calls. They're not always easy phone calls. And the reason that is is parents often call and they're following a script of questions that include some if not most terrible terrible questions, inappropriate questions that I'm never going to answer, questions I couldn't possibly know the answers to. I don't live with that young man or young woman. I've never been on a date with the young man or young woman. I've never invited on a tour of the of the medicine cabinet of that young man or young woman. I've never been forwarded the financial statements of the parents of that young man or that young woman. Those questions will not get you anywhere because it's an inappropriate assumption to think that I or other references have access to that that information. What saddens me is that it's rare, it's infrequent, that the more productive questions and the questions that are greater predictors of what kind of husband or wife the person that's being called about will be are not asked nearly enough. So, of course hashkafah matters. And of course commitment to halacha matters. And of course certain aspects of lifestyle will matter. And of course a person who's generally healthy, mentally, physically, spiritually, of course these things matter. And we can talk about and I've written about um to what degree we should investigate each of those things. Will it be productive to investigate? Will we really uncover the truth? Are poskim and the rabbonim even telling the references to reveal what they know so will it even be fruitful to ask? All for another time. I don't even want to har- harp on that tonight. What I want to share as parents of children in shidduchim is to focus, of course, on paper it should tell us whoever's reading the shidduch already assumes there's a certain compatibility of hashkafa. What we want to know about are some of the core personality. Does the other person have simchas chaim? Are they a happy person? Are they a sad, are they a depressed person? Are they generally happy? Do they look for the good? Do they see what's there? Do they see what's missing? Do they see the good in their life and are they happy with what they have? Are they always competing? Are they jealous? Are they envious? Are they unable to be happy for others? Do they show the capacity to be a mevater? Are they willing to compromise? Are they willing to sacrifice? Or does it have to be their way or the highway? Are they meticulous planner? Does everything need to be exactly laid out? Are they flexible? Do they go with the flow? Are they an introvert or shy, an extrovert? Which there's no judgment, not categorically good or bad, but they're indicators and predictors about certain aspects of relationship and what can be anticipated. So yes, of course, hashkafa, halacha, they matter. But what matters even more, all the marriage counseling I've done as an amateur who always refers to professionals and works alongside them, but all the marriage counseling I've done for 20 years and unfortunately I've done and continue to do a lot. I never see anyone come in and fight about what was asked in the na'arishkeit questions in the references. The marriage isn't dissolving or the marriage is not in crisis because of something that was on the resume. It has to do with a internal personality flaw. It has to do with the fact that the other person is overpowering, micromanaging, controlling. The other person is contemptuous or condescending. The other person is inflexible. The other person is it comes and doesn't communicate. The other person is That's what we should be looking for. If we want our children to be happy and balanced, of course, we want them to be on on path that is consistent halachically and hashkafically, but those core personality traits, that's what should be on our radar. That's what we should be asking. Number five. Number five. This amazing organization, 10K Bata Yisrael, was set up my understanding, what I've come to learn and what I admire and see is so beautiful, is that our shadchanim are working tirelessly and selflessly, deserve our admiration, deserve our appreciation. Our shadchanim are wonderful, but I believe we're going to move the needle on this issue when we're not relying only on professional and volunteer shadchanim, but all good people see this as our collective issue. That every one of us is engaged and involved in the process of setting people up, of making shidduchim, of working towards this end, of working towards this end. Mishnah Avos tells us we should know what is above us. I see those and your ears. Everything we do is being recorded. Our generation appreciates this more than any other because taka, there are satellite imagery and cameras. It's recording everything we do and everywhere we go, there's an eye that sees and there's an ear that hears and there's security cameras and there's everything we're doing is being recorded. But the Ba'al Shem Tov interpretation of what this beautiful Mishnah means. Listen to what he said. Said the Ba'al Shem Tov, "Know who is above you. There's a God. Know who is above you. There's a God. There's a God. What you see, you were meant to see. What you hear, you were meant to hear. Now, what do you do with it? What do you do with it? You saw a young man or a young woman. You heard about a man or a woman. What are you going to do with that? You're going to set them up? You had an idea, you had a thought, you had a match. Are you going to red the shidduch? Are you going to make an effort? Are you going to leave your comfort zone? Are you going to take the initiative? What we see and what we hear are not random, they're not chance, they're not by accident, but they're curated, they're choreographed by from above. The Almighty, the Ribono Shel Olam, has put us in that place at that time, has made us meet those people, has given us that idea and that thought, and we cannot be passive. We have to act on it. We have to make that shidduch. It's for all of us to get involved in memory of Yisrael, in memory of Elisheva, in their zechus l'aliyat neshama, to not rely, to not defer, to not delegate to others, but everyone has to get involved. And among all of us, perhaps most, parents of those in shidduchim, mothers and fathers who are davening and caring not only about their children, but also should be caring and making the effort for others. The Gemara tells us about b'chamtza d'vei we know that if a person davens for someone else who needs or wants the same thing as themselves, we are answered first. But the Ksav Sofer and the Mabbi and others write that that doesn't work if it is a shtick. If the only reason I'm davening for the other person who's in undergoing the same issue as me is because that's how I'll be answered first, then I'm really only davening for me, I'm not really davening for them. The only way it works that I get merit and I'm answered first based on my merit is if I genuinely and authentically and selflessly I'm davening for them. So as hard as we're working, if we want to show hishtadlus, the Gra said show no hishtadlus in shidduchim, Hashem's in charge. Reb Zalman said, "No, no, the Gra didn't mean show no hishtadlus, he meant show less than you normally do." If you want to show any hishtadlus, excessive, extreme hishtadlus, don't do it on behalf of your own children, do it on behalf of other people's children. It'll be a great merit as parents of those in shidduchim for our children if we get involved in and if we work hard for others. Number six, and this is very, very important. Very important. Again, I'm throwing a lot out. One can have children in shidduchim who are 18, 19, 20 years old, who are 40, 50, even 60 years old and be a parent of a child in shidduchim. But either way, this is important. Being single is not an identity. It's a marriage status. You could be married or you could be single. But being single is not the sum total of who a person is. Being single single is not the totality of an identity. It is a component. It is a stage of life. It is a status in filing taxes, but it is not the sum total of who a person is. And as parents who have a child in shidduchim, sometimes sometimes we reduce them to that being all about who they are. How is your dating? Are you dating? Who are you dating next? What's happening in your dating? When will you get married? That becomes the totality of who they are. And it is a disservice to them. And we alienate and we hurt them and we hurt ourselves when we fail to recognize they are a complex person, a sophisticated person. The total identity of that person is so much more than just their single status. We have to acknowledge and we have to validate the broader part of who they are. We have to be mashiv. We have to um among other children, maybe we have other children who are married. You know, one can see this is a sad reality that sometimes people see that a person has a child who's married and that child who's married, whose accomplishment in life is they got married. Really, they're not in school and they're not working and they're not achieving and they're not accomplishing. All they are is married. And then a person has another child who has earned advanced degrees and is uh educated and has a career and a profession and is achieving and avodas Hashem and in learning and chessed and tzedakah and is involved in communal leadership and other people turn to them. And parents will talk about their accomplished child as if they're a failure because they're still single and their married child as if they're God's gift to this world because they're married even if they have not yet accomplished in other areas. What a mistake and how misguided. If one has a child who's single, single is not the sum total of who they are and we can never let them believe we think that. We have to make sure that they know that we appreciate and we love and we see, that we acknowledge, that we validate, that we share, that we promote, that we take pride in the broader, greater sense of who they are, of their personality, of their skills, of their talents, of the unique mission and purpose in this world, of the lives that they are leading. Cuz we have to build their confidence. If they feel like they're a nebach, if they feel they're a disappointment, if they feel they're making their parents unhappy. You know, sometimes people say that the expression, "You're only as happy as your least happy child." One is only as happy as their least happy child. And there's wisdom to that expression because we love our children so much, we're only as happy as our least happy child. But never say that out loud because your least happy child then will feel responsible for your unhappiness. They don't need that guilt. They don't need to work through that in addition to their actual unhappiness. So, it may be true that we're only as happy as our least happy child, but that's not something they need to live with. We need to make them recognize that they're single and that we respect and we recognize that that is only a marriage status, it's not their identity or the sum total of who they are, it's a component. We're here to help them, we're here to support them, we're here to guide them, we're here to cry with them, we're here to listen, we're here whatever we can do to be with them at this stage while waiting for Hashem to reveal their bashert. But never reduce them to being single among their siblings, among the family, among the world and specifically and most importantly for themselves. And equally, number seven, having a single child is not your identity. When someone asks you, "How you're doing? What's new? What's happening?" Well, "So-and-so is still single. So-and-so is not yet married. We've not yet walked them down the aisle." We have lives experience that are beyond the status of our child. It is not our total status. It's not our child's responsibility to bear or to have to work through what our experience of going through that or our feelings vis-a-vis friends who are not having to go through it in the same way. Point number eight. So, what happens with the frustration? One can have children particularly as the years and the time goes on. We're on point number eight, so we're heading towards wrapping up. I don't know if people have questions or want to have a continual conversation, but you can begin to post them in the chat for afterwards. I'm more than happy to offer whatever I can. Again, I'm no expert, but where I come from. Point number eight. This process can have enormous frustration, enormous disappointment, enormous rejection. You're waiting by the phone. No one's calling with ideas. Women, girls struggle with that of course more than boys, but all can find themselves in a dry spell waiting. Where is everyone? Why is no one thinking of me? Where is Hashem? I'm trying to have faith. I'm trying to have a Muna. I'm sticking I'm clinging to him. I realize that I'm I'm on his timeline, but I'm waiting. And it's disappointing and it's frustrating and it's hurtful and it's painful. And as much faith as I'm feeling and exhibiting, it can be difficult. Where do we come in as parents? How are we meant to behave? Our job is not to add to that pain. It's not to contribute to that struggle. But our job is to relieve it and to carry it. The Bryce and the sixth paragraph of Pirkei Avot tells us that among the 48 ways the Torah is acquired is nose ba'ol im chavero. Nose ba'ol. The word nose means to carry. Ba'ol means the burden. You know, if you're in a room and somebody walks in and they're carrying a heavy bag, a heavy suitcase, a heavy table, you can sit on the side of the room and point to them and say, "Oy, nebach, that looks so heavy. Poor them. They're about to collapse. It looks so heavy." That's sympathy. Empathy is to run and to grab the other end of the table. Empathy is to run and grab the other end of the suitcase. You know what happens when you do that? You're nosei b'ol. When you grab the other end of the heavy thing someone's lifting, you make it a little lighter for them. Nosei b'ol im chaveiro. Go over and make it lighter. Don't make it heavier. Make it lighter, not heavier. Don't add and don't say, "I can't believe and why'd you break it off and I don't know if you're going to get married and who knows if they're not coming and I thought that was the one and the dry spell and where are the shidduch shidduch chanam and where?" Our job is not to bring our children down, it's to lift them up. Our job is to not make their load heavier, it's to make it lighter, to unburden them, to carry it with them, to ensure that they don't bear it alone, to lean in and to listen, not to always speak, to validate and to acknowledge the pain and the struggle, to not always have an answer, to not always have a mussar message, to simply listen and to carry it together. Brene Brown, great psychologist, has a great example. She says, you know, sympathy is someone's down and out, they're down in the dungeon, they're down in a pit. It's dark, it's damp, it's cold, it's lonely. Sympathy is that we're on top and we're happy and we're satisfied and all is well and we look down in the pit and we say, "Sure looks cold and sure looks damp down there. I feel for you. My heart is with you. I'm so sorry for what you're going through." That's sympathy. Empathy is climbing down the steps and getting into the pit and sitting next to the person. Nosei b'ol. Unburden. Make it lighter, not heavier. But there's another aspect of nosei b'ol im chaveiro. There's a component of nosei b'ol im chaveiro that many of the baalei mussar point out applies not only to feeling the struggle and the pain of another, but the capacity to celebrate and feel the pleasure and the joy of the other. What we call in the Yiddish, the ability to fargin others, to share in their joy, to share in their happiness, to share in their success, to share in their simcha, to share in their triumph. The author of Kelm writes, "Which is harder, to be nosei b'ol, to feel the pain of another, or to be nosei b'ol, to feel the pleasure of another?" Says the author of Kelm, "When someone else is going through a hard time, lo aleinu chas v'shalom, rachmana litzlan, somebody's been diagnosed with a terrible illness, financial crisis, family in crisis, we step in, we feel the pain, we'll make dinner, we'll help out, we'll text a lot. Why? Cuz we say, "What they're going through, thank God, at least that's not me." So, thank God, at least it's not me. I'm willing to step in, I'm willing to step up, I'm willing to help. But when a person's going through a simcha, joy, or success, and we look at them and we say, "Why isn't that me? I'm such a better person. I DESERVE IT. MY CHILD DESERVES IT. WHY IS IT THEM NOT ME?" Then it's so much harder to feel a sense of empathy, to share in that joy, to share in that success. I believe as parents of children in shidduchim, we have to exhibit not only nosei b'ol when there's a struggle, but to teach, to model nosei b'ol, to fargin. So, our friends have children who are dating, who are getting engaged, who are making simchas. We have to teach our children that no matter what we're going through, no matter where we're at, we have the ability to share in the joy of others. That their happiness doesn't come at our expense. The Ribono shel Olam has enough for all of us, that we're not competing, that we can fargin, that we can share in the joy of others. To teach it, to model it, to encourage it. And lastly, and lastly, there's a clinical psychologist Susan Silk, and she wrote an essay called "Comfort In and Dump Out." And this is the last thought I have, and then I'm happy to continue the conversation with questions. Susan Silk said that when a person's going through a hard time, and if you're in shidduchim, you're not by definition going through a hard time, but the process itself can be grueling and difficult and challenging, and as we've said many times, filled with tension, disappointment, with frustration. So, one has to draw concentric circles. Whoever is the subject of the frustrating experience is at the center of that circle. And then whoever's closest to them is the next circle. And then outside of that is the family. And outside of that are close friends. And outside of that are acquaintances. And this rule, this brilliant principle applies probably much more to people in real crisis of illness and elsewhere. But I think also applies and is really important for us as parents in shidduchim to be thinking about as well. And that is, when we as parents have grown frustrated with the process and with the people and even with our own child, our job is to comfort in and dump out. We have to know which concentric circle we're on. Are we on the inner circle? Are we on an outer circle? Are we on the furthest out circle? Are we the point in the middle? Whatever circle we're on, we comfort in. We give a message of comfort. We give a message of support. We give a message of strength in. If we're frustrated, we dump out. So, you can call someone else when you're frustrated. Don't put it and deposit on your child. Comfort in. When it comes to our children, they deserve our unequivocal support. We should be good listeners. We should be machazik. We should be companions. We should express empathy, climb down when we need to, and lift them when we need to, and model and teach when we need to. But comfort in and dump out. So, there's much, much more to talk about, but we hit on 10 key points tonight. Number one, priority and value. That as parents of those in shidduchim, as much as we're looking at the other party, we need to look at for ourselves and encourage our children to look in the mirror at ourselves. Because a zivug rishon is the ideal state of who we are. But the reality of who we are is who we're going to get. So, who is the reality of who we are? It's like in Port Authority, you can't just get on any bus. But to with our children, examine not only bein adam l'makom, bein adam l'chaveiro, bein adam l'atzmo, where are they going and who do they want to be and what kind of home do they want to build and are they living the life that they will be attractive to the person that they want to attract, that they want to be attracted to, that the shidduch process is an opportunity and an invitation to grow, to grow in our emunah and bitachon bein adam l'makom, to grow in our hakaras hatov bein adam l'chaveiro, and to grow bein adam l'atsmo. Number two, don't interfere too much. Gan Eden mikedem like Adam and Chava, don't be overly involved, don't micromanage. Teach independence, achrayus. Why? Because "Mimashiash tulyim b'vo hu toleh b'misha'amer b'eilah olam." Like the Yerushalmi in Bikkurim, that one who takes achrayus, Hashem has their back. We have to teach our children, I leave to you to execute to what degree, but to use this process to teach our children independence, responsibility, achrayus, to empower them, to position them for a successful launch in life. Number three, how much hishtadlus to balance. We can't take none, but we can't show too much or a lack of emunah and bitachon. Rav Zalman of Vilna Gaon said specifically here, we show less than normal because we submit, we surrender, we defer to Hashem, not less than normal. This is where Hashem reveals His hand, and if we push too hard, if we make try to happen too fast, then Hakadosh Baruch Hu says, "You're going to mess it up, you're going to compromise, you're going to corrupt it." That we have to be open-minded. That doesn't mean that we have to settle. Means we have to constantly pivot in priorities. Number four, what we're looking for. Of course, hashkafah, halacha, compatibility, but we're looking for middos. A koach to be mevater, not to micromanage, simchas hachaim, joy for life. Number five, to not only daven for others to make shidduchim. You want your child to get married? Ayin ra'ah, ozen sham'as, we all have come across singles who we can help, we could be thinking about, we could be making shidduchim for, and in that merit, memory of Yisrael and Elisheva, 10K Battei Yisrael, and in the merit of our children's successful shidduchim, we can make those shidduchim. Number six, single is not an identity. It is a marriage status, and our children have a life and an identity independent. We have to be mashiv that, we have to recognize that, we have to celebrate that, we have to take pride in that, we have to build their confidence in the totality of who they are. Having a single child is not our identity, it will one component of our life, and we have to let our children lead their lives. You know, sometimes they'll make choices we won't be happy with, we won't be happy with. I spoke recently to somebody whose child broke off their engagement. And the parent was so broken and so tzubruchen. The child was shalem with their decision, but the parent was not, and the parent needed the encouragement, it's not your life. Your child has to make these decisions, and while you'll guide them and be by their side, it's their life. Having a single child is not our identity. Number eight, nosei b'ol chaveiro, to feel the pain, empathy. Number nine, nosei b'ol, to fargin, to feel the positive, to show the capacity to celebrate the simchas, the joy, and to always remember to comfort in and to dump out, to be there for our children. Thank you so much for listening this evening, and I'm happy to entertain any questions that are in the chat or are being relayed elsewhere. Rabbi Goldberg, thank you so so much. There chat is going crazy with kudos for you and for the thoughts and inspiration and practical suggestions that you've made. While I give everyone an opportunity to post questions on the chat, I'm just going to say a few concluding words, and that is we know that truly every shidduch suggestion counts. And tonight's inspiration should be an ilui nishama for Yisrael ben Yushaya Halevi and Elisheva bas Shimon v'Skila bas Ephraim. Please continue to have Yisrael and Elisheva in mind when making shidduch suggestions. As so often, the best shidduch ideas do come from friends and family. And visit 10kbatyisrael.org to log suggestions and be included in the count. And please sign up for our email updates and join our WhatsApp group to keep abreast of events, resources, milestones, incentives, and so much more. We'll leave it with a bracha that everyone should be successful to share the simchas of our children lafi masav that we should they should make zivugim that are ola yafa which will be a source of bracha of simcha of nachas for all of us that we are able to fulfill all of the nisionos the tests of the process to be able to grow ourselves and l'shem ul'tiferes. Thank you so so much for joining this evening.