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10 Tips for Parents of Children in Shidduchim
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Part of a 3-part series on “Gaining Strength with Every Shidduch Suggestion” from 10K Batay Yisroel. Go to https://www.10kbatayyisroel.org/ for more information.
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Auto-generated transcript. Not time-synced to the video.
Welcome
to the concluding segment of the 10K but
the Israel series
entitled gaining strength with every
shidduch suggestion.
One of the overarching themes behind the
formation of 10K but the Israel is that
every shidduch suggestion has purpose.
While the shidduch
process can be challenging,
long, and sometimes
even seemingly feel to be lacking in
purpose,
it's important to remind ourselves that
there is no hishtadlus on any level
and no suggestion
and no first date
that is without reason or value.
It is with this in mind that we started
this series
gaining strength
with every shidduch
suggestion.
We hope that you leave feeling renewed
purpose and strength
with every bit of hishtadlus put in
wherever you are in the process.
And may these efforts translate into
increased
siyata d'Shmaya in everyone's individual
journey
toward the chuppah.
Having just come through Tu B'Av reminds
us that timing is everything and that
this is a particularly promising time to
be involved in shidduchim
in any role.
It is a great honor to introduce our
speaker,
Rabbi Ephraim Goldberg, shlita.
Rabbi Ephraim Goldberg serves as a
senior rabbi of the Boca Raton
Synagogue,
which is the largest Orthodox synagogue
in the Southeast United States.
His dynamic
breadth of Torah knowledge, and personal
warmth has helped make Boca Raton a
destination of choice as a home for many
Jewish families.
He's involved as co-chair of the
Rabbinical Kashruth, director of
conversions for the Beth Din of Florida,
and is the posek
of the Boca Raton's mikvah.
Nationally, he serves as vice president
of the Rabbinical Council of America,
as a member of the board of trustees of
the Beth Din of America, the editorial
committee of Tradition, and the AIPAC
National Council.
He and his Rebbetzin, Yocheved, are the
parents of seven children, bli ayin
hara.
There's more to say,
but I'm running out of breath, and I
know you're all waiting to hear from
Rabbi Goldberg.
So, without further ado,
Rabbi Efrem Goldberg, shlita.
Thank you so much, Joel. I appreciate uh
your kind introduction, uh truly, and
thank you for this opportunity to
participate in such an illustrious uh
group of presenters tackling what are
critically important topics for an
amazing, amazing organization, an
organization that 10K Battei Yisrael,
who really are role models to all of us
about channeling tragedy into triumph,
taking pain and turning it into purpose,
and the difference that's making in Klal
Yisrael, Yishar Koach, it should be
successful and have only bracha, and
again, from the bottom of my heart,
thank you for this opportunity to be
able to address you this evening. It's a
very difficult topic, and uh it's a
difficult to understand who's here,
who's part of this conversation tonight.
Cuz when you talk about parents of
children who are dating, it's a very
diverse set of parents. You might be
talking about parents of 19-year-olds
who are just setting out on that
journey, hopefully one that will be
quick. You could be talking about
parents of those in their 30s, 40s, and
beyond. You might be talking about
parents from Chassidishe background or
Yeshivishe background or Modern
background. So, who is the audience? You
know, thanks to a Zoom, I see a lot of
black boxes and a lot of names, but very
few faces. So, I'll just try to share
some overarching principles, some
thoughts that I think can apply
universally. Hopefully, they're relevant
to all of us who have children in
shidduchim, to all of us who will have
children in shidduchim. Things to keep
in mind now, and things to keep in mind
for the future. And lastly, as a
disclaimer and introduction, I am very
far from an expert in this topic, most
topics. I'm just sharing with you based
on my experience as a parent, as a rav
who's involved, as a somebody whose wife
is involved in making shidduchim,
and in my conversation with many
sharchanim, including among them, and
I'm grateful to my sister-in-law Lisa
Berger and others for sharing their
feedback. So, okay, with that
background, that disclaimer, let's jump
in. Let's start with what's not to do. I
just saw an article last week about a a
woman who was interacting with her
grandfather over technology during
Corona. She was unable to visit with
him, and it was a cute article talking
about the wit and the wisdom that her
grandfather shared with her back and
forth. And one of the text messages that
her grandfather sent to her is an
example of gets us started with what not
to do. He wrote to her, "This is
Grandpa. I read an article that said if
you do not find a life partner by 29,
you're most likely to die alone. Your
birthday's coming up in 3 months. Just
wanted to let you know. Love Grandpa."
That is a perfect poster example of what
not to do as parents of children who are
in shidduchim. So, what should we do?
What's the proper behavior? There's so
much try to unpack and tackle on this
question, and at least we'll begin the
conversation. Happy to take questions
and have the conversation afterwards as
well. I want to share with you 10
insights tonight, 10 thoughts, 10
principles, 10 rules for parents of
children in shidduchim. Number one.
number one is priorities and values. We
are so focused when a person has a child
in shidduchim, a son or a daughter,
we're very focused on the other party.
We have to find a shadchan who will make
that introduction. What is the resume
that we're looking at from the others? I
hate that word resume. I prefer profile,
biography. You're not applying for a
job. You're not worthy and so grateful
for the opportunity for the interview.
But that aside, we are receiving resumes
of the other. We are dissecting and
analyzing and evaluating, making those
reference calls and interrogations and
investigations. We're so focused in the
shidduch process on behalf of our
children or in support of our children
or alongside our children, we're very
focused on the other party. Who it
should be and what we're looking for and
do they qualify and what's said about
them and who are their references and
which resume should make its way to the
top of the pile. But I want to learn
with you for a few moments tonight
a sugia in the Gemara, a sugia really in
halacha that could lend a different
insight onto where our focus should be
and how we're misguided if we
exclusively or even mostly focus only on
the other party rather than also look in
the mirror ourselves and for our
children. The Gemara in Sotah daf bet
mem aleph, which is of course one of the
critical focal texts, one of the central
texts having to do with shidduchim
bashert, the whole institution or
concept of bashert. The Gemara says the
following. Amar Rabbi Shmuel bar
Yitzchak give a passuk Reish Lakish
b'Sotah. When Reish Lakish would open up
his lecture, his teaching, his drasha
about about Sotah, amar Rabbi Akiva, he
would say, "Ein mezavgin l'adam ishah
ela l'fi ma'asav."
That in heaven, that the Ribono shel
Olam, the Almighty, when he finds a
mate, when he finds a spouse, when he
designates who one should spend their
life with, it is l'fi ma'asav. It's
according to who you are and what your
worthiness is. And the Gemara quotes a
possuk.
And by the way, when Hashem does this,
being a shadchan, this isn't my topic, I
know it was the topic, I believe last
time, my good friend Charlie Harary, but
kashin l'zavgin, if a shadchan finds
frustration,
if it's difficult, if you have to stay
resilient, know that for Hashem as well
it's difficult. Kashin l'zavgin, for
Hashem it's as difficult to make a
viable lasting match as kashin l'zavgin.
And we know the statistics bear that out
today, the divorce rate in the general
society, the divorce rate even within
the Torah community, it's a miracle. If
you are in a happy marriage, a lasting
marriage, a harmonious marriage, you are
living a miracle, you do not have to
look further, you don't have to say God,
if only you revealed yourself to me, you
are witnessing and you are living and
you are watching an actual miracle. But
the Gemara asks a question, how could
you say m'zavgin l'fi ma'asav, how can
you say that people are paired according
to their worthiness, according to their
deeds?
Ploni l'ploni, we all know that 40 days
before
conception begins, before conception
takes place,
a heavenly voice declares who is meant
for whom. The ultimate shadchan in the
sky declares definitively what is the
right shidduch. By his ploni l'ploni, so
the ploni l'ploni, the shidduch, the
notion of a bashert in the shidduch is
not only true in the world of marriage,
it's true in the world of business and
so on. So how can you say that it's
based on worthiness? I thought Hashem
determined. No matter what choices we
make in this world, no matter how we
expressed our free will, it's already
been predetermined whom we're meant to
be with. So the Gemara answers somewhat
cryptically, lo kasha, not a question.
It depends. Are we talking about the
first match?
Are we talking about the second match?
The Gemara says if you're talking about
the first match, it's based on the the
bascal. If you're talking about the
second match, then we're talking about
the theme of
according to our worthiness. So, how do
you define Zivug Rishon Zivug Sheni?
What does it mean the first or the
second? Is this a chronological comment
the Gemara Gittin also has the Gemara
Gittin daf tzadi also invokes this
contrast Zivug Rishon Zivug Sheni, a
first marriage, a second marriage. Leave
out that Sugya for now. The Gemara
Gittin daf tzadi also invokes that
contrast of a Zivug Rishon Zivug Sheni
of a first match and a second match. So,
Tosafos in Sotah has one explanation.
Rashi says Zivug Rishon L'fi Mazal.
First Zivug is based on our fortune and
Zivug Sheni L'fi Mazal. Tosafos Shantz
one of the Baalei Tosafos says Zivug
Sheni is K'gon Alman L'almana, a widow
and a widower is a second marriage. But
a Bachur Shen Oso Almana O Ikra D'kima
Zivug Rishon. If one has never been
married before, that's like a first
marriage. Many, many interpretations are
offered, but I want to share with you
the insight of Rav Dessler of the
Michtav M'Eliyahu. And I share with you
not just because Talmud Torah, though
tonight is about Talmud Torah as much of
course as anything else, but the Talmud
Torah is insightful to us. You're a
parent, you have children in Shidduchim.
Listen critically, listen carefully. The
message to our children is not they're
perfect, they're arrived, they're
interviewing others.
The others have to be worthy, they can
submit their resumes and we should call
their references and do the
investigation. The message to our
children is following based on Rav
Dessler. Says Rav Dessler, what's the
difference of a Zivug Rishon and a Zivug
Sheni? He says Nira Sh'kavana Sh'a Zivug
Hanikva B'vas Kol Hu Bo Ofen Sh'shneihem
M'mal'im Es Tafkideihem B'shleimus. The
heavenly voice that goes out and
declares definitively and conclusively
this one's meant for that one is when
both are living their ideal lives. When
both are living the best version of
themselves, this who is Ro'ui, this who
is right for one another.
Az Ro'ui M'zala Zeh, V'zala Zu L'fi
Atchalas Hanigvas B'vriah, V'zeh Nikra
Zivug Rishon. Zivug Rishon is our ideal
selves. So, our ideal selves have a
proper shidduch. Our ideal selves, the
heavenly voice has declared and
designated who's right for us. However,
im me'at me'at k'chul ha'olam kulo, if
we're less than our ideal, if we're
living less than our best selves, if
we're not who we can be and who we're
meant to be, as mizaveg l'fi ma'aseh, so
also sha'ah, v'zeh nikra zivug sheini.
It's a ma'amar d'R' Akiva Shatz. Our Rav
Dessler says Rav Dessler, zivug rishon
and zivug sheini are not chronological.
It's not talking about a first marriage
or a second marriage. It's talking about
there is the ideal of who we could be
and someone is designated for our ideal,
but there's the reality of who we are.
When we look in that mirror, not the
funny mirror that makes us look the way
we want, not the mirror that's a mirage
that makes us appear the way we wish or
dream to be, but when we look in the
accurate, real mirror,
who are we and what do we find? What are
our middos? How do we carry ourselves?
Are we realizing, are we pursuing, are
we fulfilling our potential? Are we our
better or best selves? That is zivug
rishon. The bas kol, that heavenly
voice, that godly shadchan, the whole
institution of bashert is only for our
best selves. So, what does that mean and
what is the takeaway and what is point
number one I want to share with you
based on Rav Dessler is the message to
our children is of course we're looking
for a candidate of a life partner. We're
looking for a compatible match. We're
looking for someone who has shared
values and shared vision, who will be a
partner, but we have to look in the
mirror to see our worthiness. The
process of shidduchim and the weeks,
months, and years leading up to it are
not just about defining what we're
looking for in the other, but defining
who we are ourselves. How can we be a
path not only of of survival, but of
growth? How can we be our better selves?
What are we offering? What are we
projecting? What are we presenting?
Because
because ultimately the Almighty will
pair us off. Ultimately the Almighty
will designate a shidduch in reality
worthiness. As
parents, we should build confidence with
our children. It's a critical value. Our
children need to project that confidence
if they're going to be successful in all
areas of life, job interviews, certainly
in shidduchim.
But it's not only about building
confidence in our children. It's about
having our children build paths and
trajectories of growth. To not view
they've arrived and they're the ones who
are interviewing the other. But who are
they and what do they offer? What's the
reality check on the lives they're
living? Is it consistent and match with
the lives that we and they dream for
themselves? Are they on that path or
that trajectory for the household, for
the family, for the Shabbos table that
we want the other person to be worthy
for them? So, the shidduch process as
parents is not just about the
conversations of what our child is
looking for in the other, but it's who
they are, what they're looking for, what
they're demanding of themselves. Because
who will be designated for them, who
will be their bashert, who Hashem has in
store is consistent not with who they
dream they would be, not who they want
to want to be, but who they are in
reality. And we need to reinforce and
support and help them on that path
towards growth. Rav Pam once related in
the parsha shiyur on Chayei Sarah in the
Jewish on the topic of shidduchim, he
said the bachurim who are starting to
date often ask what type of girl should
they look for. They ask their rebbeim,
they ask others, what should they look
for in another? So, Rav Pam chuckled and
he said imagine that you meet me at the
Port Authority and there's so many
options and so many buses that you can
get on. And you say, "Which is a good
bus for me to take? What bus should I
take?" An absurd question. You have to
decide where do you want to go and then
you know which bus to take. You have to
decide where are you heading in life.
What do you want your life to be 5 and
10 and 20 and in 50 and 60 years when
you grow old with someone, and then you
look for a partner, you look for
the other party who's going to help you
pursue that dream, that goal, that path
to be able to achieve that. So, point
number one is parents is not to only
focus as if our children are perfect and
the other party has to be worthy. We'll
investigate, we'll analyze, we'll
research, we'll accept, and we'll review
resumes, but rather we have to place an
emphasis as well on ourselves as role
models for our children, on our family
and who we are when we're going to be
spoken about, when people will relate to
us, when people will refer to how they
well they know us, and for our children
ourselves in the shidduch process, lafin
ma'asav, to keep reminding them, look in
the mirror, don't only look out the
window at others. The shidduch process
is a huge magnifying glass. It's fraught
and it's filled with
challenges, with
the need for patience, with frustration,
with disappointment, with rejection,
even with loneliness. It's filled with
all of this, but there are also
opportunities and there are invitations
for personal growth in all the
relationships in our lives. Now, the
Mishnah in Pirkei Avot is often
the Mishnayos relate to the number
three. Three things remove you from the
world and three things the world rests
on. Three this, three that, three the
other thing. The Maharal, the great
Maharal of Volozhin, as well say that
every time you see the number three in
Pirkei Avot, it's a reference to the
three relationships we have in our
lives. We normally focus on two, bein
adam l'chavero, between us and our
friend, interpersonal relationships, and
bein adam l'makom, between us and God.
But they point out there's a third
dimension, there's a third relationship,
arguably the most important, arguably if
it's not healthy, neither can the other
two be. And that is the relationship
bein Adam atsmo. What is our
relationship with ourselves? How well do
we know ourselves? What dreams and
aspirations ambitions do we have for
ourselves? How much do we hold ourselves
accountable? How much do we push
ourselves? How much have we studied?
What's my mission? Why am I here? Who am
I meant to be? What difference am I
meant to make in this world? And I would
argue to you my friends that as parents
of children in shidduchim, we have an
opportunity to grow in all three of
these realms. We know the makom we'll
talk more about but it's an opportunity
shidduchim for emunah and bitachon for
dveykus. It's an opportunity to remember
that we cannot show excessive
hishtadlus. It's not a time for
excessive initiative. We have to do the
proper initiative we'll talk about that
balance soon but we also have to have
tremendous faith that there's a God
there's a creator there's a great
shaliach in the sky.
We have to get out of his way and let
him do his job sometimes. It is an
exercise it is an effort it is an
invitation to grow being Adam makom and
to show our children that we have faith
that we have confidence in Hashem that
we submit and surrender to him that
we're not trying to micromanage or
control that we won't allow our emotions
to be a roller coaster of joy of
disappointment but that we're able to
stay steady that we're able to be
resilient in our faith in Hashem. Being
Adam we can teach our children that this
is an invitation an opportunity to not
only exhibit but to grow in our being
Adam shidduchim. Shidduchim do we show
good middos? Do we get back do we get
back in a timely fashion? Do we express
hakaras hatov? Do we express gratitude
that someone thought about our child to
us when we took the time of references?
When we asked a lot of questions the
entire process is filled with
invitations and opportunities to grow in
our being Adam shidduchim to express
gratitude and hakaras hatov and being
Adam atsmo. It is a time
at self. It is a time to hold up a
collective mirror to ourselves our
family and to our children and say it's
not only about the other party, it's
about looking for who we are because we
will be matched, you my child will be
matched based on who you are and the
family will be matched based on who we
are and as much as we're working on
looking at others, we must be working on
looking in the mirror at ourselves. All
of that is point number one. Point
number two.
Parents of children in shidduchim and I
recognize and I respect that I'm talking
to people from diverse segments of the
community and there is a spectrum of the
degree to which parents are involved in
their children's shidduchim. From being
the ones who receive the resumes and
filter through them and suggest if not
actually dictate to the child who their
next date will be to simply playing a
supportive role or having to give
permission, parents have different
degrees, different levels of involvement
interaction with children. But I want to
share with you that whatever community
you're coming from, whatever degree,
don't interfere too much. This is
critical point number two in my opinion.
Our children are old enough to be
getting married. They still need and
they will always need just as we who
even our parents or grandparents still
need and rely on the wisdom and the
insight and the love of our parents,
they will always need our love. But it's
time to pull back a little bit. It's
time to cut the umbilical cord a little
bit. It's time to set our children up
for success, a successful launch for
life and to not baby them and to not
spoil them and to not make them so
dependent on us, they will be incapable
of living independent lives themselves.
Rabbi Yaakov Galinsky, the author of
Igarta, says in a dvar Torah about
Yitzchak and Rivka bringing Rivka home
to the tent of his mother and Rivka, so
to say, to a degree replaced his mother
and the relationship of Rivka to his
mother, Rabbi Yaakov Galinsky in Igarta
has a whole beautiful essay on that
topic and in it he says the following.
U'kvar peirush kach es habracha, with
the insight he offers there, many
explain the bracha that you and we
should be zocheh to heard to hear under
the chuppah of our children and for the
subsequent nights of Sheva Brachot. When
a young couple stand under the chuppah,
we say "Sameach t'sameach re'im ahuvim
k'sameach Adam v'Chava b'Gan Eden
m'kedem." May the joy of these re'im
ahuvim, may the joy of these loving
friends of this chassan and kallah, may
it be the joy b'Gan Eden m'kedem. Let it
be a throwback to the unbridled joy that
Adam and Chava had in Gan Eden, in the
Garden of Eden, in antiquity, back all
the way m'kedem. "Zivug hagun l'zivug
ha'mushlam ba'olam."
Adam v'Chava b'Gan Eden. One of the
brachot that we're bestowing upon our
young chassan and kallah is may they
have the joy, the happiness of Adam and
Chava. What does that mean? So, the
classic insight is, giving you Sheva
Sheva Brachot divrei Torah, to please
God say at your children's Sheva
Brachot, the classic insight is that
Adam and Chava didn't go see a shadchan.
And Adam and Chava didn't have piles of
resumes. And Adam and Chava didn't have
to sign up for websites. There was one
girl for Adam, and there was one guy for
Chava. Each one knew the other was the
only one, the exclusive, the singular
person for them. They had no hesitation,
and they had no deliberation, and they
had no regret, and they had no desire to
see what else was out there. But, they
knew definitively they were the only
other one, and that's our hope and our
bracha for the chassan and kallah is let
them be as confident as Adam and Chava
were in each other, as confident that
this is their kallah, this is their
chassan. But, that's not what Yankel
Likelinski says. Listen to what he says,
and I'm an in-law, so I'm allowed to say
this. He says, "Madua? Why are we giving
a bracha they should be like Adam and
Chava?" "Ki lo hayu lahem choshen
v'choshena, she'ish arev
yode'a, v'yashmi b'choris v'yafeh rosh
ocher." Because Adam and Chava didn't
have parents or in-laws. There was no
one to interfere. There was no one to
boss them around. There was no one to
micromanage. There was no one to hold
their hand and to to them from being
depend independent. And therefore, we
give a bracha to our chassan and kallah
they should be like Adam and Chava,
independent and proud. Of course, of
course, we have traditions from our
parents, we have a courtesy of gratitude
from our parents. We turn to our parents
for wisdom, for advice, for suggestions,
for life lessons, for precedent, for
customs, for practices. We desperately
need our parents. But as parents, we
also need to know to cut the umbilical
cord. And in the shidduch process is an
educational process. It is a transition
time in our children's lives that yes,
we're there in a supporting role, but we
need to set them up for a successful
launch. Because if we micromanage, if we
spoil, if we don't teach them
independence, they will have a failure
to launch in their lives.
If we hold their hand too much in the
shidduch process, what happens if that's
what we're doing on their way to the
chuppah, when they walk away from the
chuppah? And when we're not living in
their home, and we're not there to solve
and resolve every fight or disagreement
or mediate or moderate the differences
that are only natural for people and
particularly a young couple to have? Are
we also going to be invited into their
lives to that intimate degree? And there
can't be a stark stop at the point on
the way to the chuppah and from the
chuppah. And so, as parents of children
in shidduchim, it's a time to ask
ourselves, how can we set up our
children for a successful launch in
life? If they're old enough to get
married, they're old enough to start
taking achrayus for their decisions.
Yes, to consult with us, and yes, to
have input and influence from us, but
ultimately to take responsibility,
achrayus, for their lives. The Gemara
Chullin daf pei daled tells us
something. L'olam yochal adam b'ishah
pachus m'she'eish lo. A person should
always live a lifestyle that is
conservative. A person should live less
than their means. Pachus m'she'eish lo.
V'yilbash beged pachus m'she'eish lo.
Live a lifestyle less than. Don't go
into credit card debt. Don't try to
compete and spend more than you have.
Live a modest lifestyle. Live within
your means. The habit is to ban of but
when it comes to how one cares for a
wife for a spouse and children you saw
me my she is low. When it comes to
taking care of your spouse and your
children one should take care and
provide for them with more than you
have. More than you have.
It's grossly irresponsible. What do you
mean more than you have? Go into debt?
Says the Gamara no. Why? She ain't doing
bow for who tall Louie the mission armor
the higher alum. Because the man the
breadwinner whether literally or
metaphorically literally the man of the
home who's meant to be the breadwinner
who's meant to take a who's meant to
provide for his family. Pain to Louie
and bow they the family rest and rely on
him not his parents not his in-laws not
his grandparents. On him. The who tall
Louie the mission armor the higher alum
and he should provide for them even more
than his means because he needs to learn
to take a level of a responsibility that
he can lean and turn and depend on
Hashem. So this is a time and again I
recognize and I respect and I leave to
you and the community you're from and
your own personal rebellion and those
having a on you to determine what degree
you should pull back and let your child
take a
and to what degree you should be
involved with your child. But at least
have an awareness and a mindfulness. At
least be thoughtful and intentional.
That this is a time in a child's life to
teach a and responsibility. I'm sure my
love it and see what's more says a
beautiful essay. He quotes the
Yerushalmi and be cool the Yerushalmi
and be cool and says that a wise man and
a son both a and a son and someone who's
risen in greatness all more than the of
no sir. Yerushalmi be cool and so I
understand the wise man. I understand a
person who's risen to greatness. Mochin
Kol Avonosev, they are forgiven. But why
the chosson? And we know we have this
tradition that a chosson and a kallah
the day of their chuppah, they are
forgiven for the mistakes they had made,
the transgressions they had performed.
Says Rav Chaim Shmulevitz, I understand
the chacham and I understand the gadol,
but why the chosson and why the kallah?
Says Rav Chaim Shmulevitz, you know why
the chosson?
Because the uniqueness of the chosson is
this is someone who when they walk
towards that chuppah is about to take
achrayis. And a person who takes
achrayis on their shoulders. A person
who says, "Alai, I got this. On me. I
will take responsibility. I will
experience the consequences. I take
accountability. I will work hard. I will
provide. It's on me. I'm a grown-up. I'm
an adult. I'm mature. I take achrayis."
That such a person mochlin avonosev,
Kodesh Boruch Hu wants to set that
person up for success. Gives them a
clean slate. Start from scratch. They're
forgiven. That's Hashem's way of saying
that since you've taken responsibility
for others, I will take responsibility
for you. I'll let you start again. I'll
let you start from scratch. I'll let you
start from the beginning. Maybe that's
why chosson domeh l'melech. Just like
the king bears the responsibilities of
others, the chosson bears
responsibility. So I understand this
point is a little different for the
parents of a of a boy and the parents of
a girl, parents of a man, parents of a
woman. However, the point remains the
same. That our children can and should
turn to us. We have a voice. We have
influence. We have what to offer. But we
have to be mindful and intentional to
launch our children with success, not
towards failure. To teach achrayis,
responsibility. This is not me. This is
not some modern idea. This is Chazal.
This is the Torah's view of what
marriage is all about. It's about
achrayis. Yes, we can continue to help
and to support. It's a tremendous
brocha. It is an answer to our tfilos
when our children want to learn, whether
temporarily, however long,
what a gift for the opportunity to
continue to be able to help our
children. But there's a difference
between helping our children and
emasculating our children. If we
emasculate our children and render them
impotent in life, they will not succeed
in other areas. This is the time for
when this child, this boy, or this girl,
this young man, this young woman have
determined and decided, "I'm ready to
date. I'm ready to look for my bashert,
my basher. I'm ready to get married and
start to build my family." That is their
invitation to grow and to transition
towards independence, responsibility,
and that's our job to teach it, to be
mindful. As much as there's so much at
stake, and as desperate as we are to
ensure that nothing go wrong, to step in
and micromanage and protect as we often
want to do for our children, this is not
the time if we want to set them up and
launch them for success. Point number
three, how much is Shabbos? This is a
question that all parents grapple with.
What effort, to what end, how far do we
go? We love our children more than we
love anything in the world, more than we
love ourselves. In fact, only when our
children have children of their own,
will they learn and will they see how
much we love them. We love our children.
So, we'd go to the end of the earth,
we'd move heaven and earth, we'd do
everything we can. But, is that right?
Is that what we're supposed to do? Is
that the proper hashkafah to move heaven
and earth? Is that what we believe? So,
I want to read to you again from Sichos
Mussar, Chaim Shmuelevitz,
says elsewhere in Sichos Mussar, a
different entry, a different essay. And
he says the following, the Gemara tells
us that Matrona Matrona Achas, that
there was a one who challenged, "What is
Hashem doing? He created the world in
six days and he's had it pretty good
since then. He retired at the end of
that sixth day, he went into resting on
Shabbos, and what has he been occupied
and preoccupied with since then?" So,
says Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz, "Habirah
Beshe'eilta Shematronam, Mahu Osah
Me'osah Achshav?" What is God doing from
that time and until now?
"Sha'af HaKadosh Baruchu Mechadesh
Betuvo Bechol Yom Tamid Ma'aseh
Bereishis." Even though God every day is
renewing creation, we say in our
davening that he did not set the world
in motion and walk away and step away,
but every day he has to remain involved.
Every day he has to renew creation. He
called my home.
Since God set the world in motion with
the natural order and the natural law,
he knew that
where do you see God? Where do you see
God? 5,781
years ago, God in an extraordinary
fashion created the world, created the
rules of nature, and set the wheels in
motion. And now the natural order still
under God's direction, but the way we
perceive it, the way we live it, the way
we experience it is through the prism,
through the filter of nature. So, since
we think we're seeing a natural world in
a natural order, where can one find
Hashem? Where can one find revelation of
Hashem? The
Hashem
exivukim.
You're curious. You want to know, you
want to see, what is Hashem busy with?
It doesn't mean what is Hashem busy with
as if we have some kind of retired, that
God forbid he's lazy. We weren't asking
what is he doing, what is he occupied
with. We were asking, where can we find
him revealed in this world? If
everything around us looks like it's
just nature and the natural order, where
can we find revelation of Hashem? And
that's what the answer was. You want to
see Hashem's guiding hand, yoshev
umizaveg zivugim. He is coordinating the
intersection and the overlap of people
who never belonged, who no one ever
should have thought of being together,
who never should have signed up for the
same app, who no shadrach and should
have met, who never should have been at
the same event.
And when you meet that couple, have you
ever met a couple and you say, "Wow, he
is so meant for and she for him. They
are such a perfect couple and no one
else could have been for them. Hashem is
amazing. Hashem is amazing. Clearly he
meant for them to be together and the
process and the extraordinary
circumstances in which they came
together is Yad Hashem. It's revelation.
It's miracle in our time.
And what happens is Rav Chaim
Shmuelevitz, it's a maiseh b'chol yom,
every day parents of children's
shidduchim, those themselves, singles
who are looking to get married, we try
to expedite the process. We try to rush
God. We try to force God's hand. We try
to go make it go faster than he intends
or it's meant to go.
And when we try to expedite it and we
try to make it go faster and to
accelerate it and we try to interfere,
we ended up compromising. When we try to
make it go faster, we ended up hurting
the process.
So says Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz, we have
to be exceedingly careful as parents.
Yes, we take initiative. You cannot just
sit back and we cannot be passive and we
cannot wait for miracles. We have to
take initiative. We have to network. We
have to have conversations. We have to
talk on behalf of our children. Our
children have to put themselves out
there and live lives where others will
think of them. Of course, we have to
take initiative. But there's such a
thing as excessive initiative. And if a
person takes excessive initiative, then
they don't have bitachon and emunah in
Hashem. If we really cling and attach
ourselves to God, dveikus Meshech
Chochmah says milashon devek. Dveikus to
cling and cleave to God. Devek means
glue. Glue yourself to God. Attach
yourself to God. God says, "I got your
back. Stick with me." Devek, dveikus,
stick, glue. Hashem says, "Stick with
me. I've got you covered." He doesn't
tell us the timetable. He doesn't tell
us his plan of when it's going to
happen. But he says, "Stick with me. Try
to or interfere, don't stick with me,
it could undermine and compromise what
I'm trying to do. But if you stick with
me, I've got a plan for you." So there's
that right balance. There's the perfect
intersection between the initiative that
our children and that we need to take,
but not taking excessive initiative
where according to
according to the Musar, we get in the
way. This is an opportunity to grow, an
invitation
to improve in our Emunah, in our
Bitachon, in our Dveikus, not only for
our own children, for ourselves, but to
Daven for others. But, I'll tell you
something even more.
The Vilna Gaon
The Vilna Gaon has somewhat famous
comment. The Vilna Gaon says, if there's
any area of life to not only not show
excessive Hishtadlus, as parents to not
micromanage, and to not show excessive
effort, and to not take extreme
initiative, it's the area of Shidduchim.
It's when it comes to our children or
our own our own desire to get married.
Why? Because this is the very area that
tell us, this is what God has been
doing. This is what God is occupied
with. This is what God reveals his hand.
So, if there's anywhere where we're
supposed to step back and sit back, if
there's anywhere where we're supposed to
show some initiative, but not excessive,
it is specifically in the area of
Shidduchim. And the great the Vilna
Gaon, at least in the literal
interpretation of what he writes, goes
so far as to say,
take less initiative than normal. Don't
take initiative. Let Hashem do his
magic.
That which the Gaon wrote, one should
not take initiative in Shidduchim. Let
Hashem do his job. Show your faith. You
know, it's lip service, by the way. J-
just
If if you Daven, you go to Shul, and you
shuckle like crazy, and you read
Tehillim backwards and forwards 100
times a day, and you have a long essay
in the Shul, and you bake 40 Challahs 40
times a day, and you do everything else
under the sun cuz
you
talk about it
every day,
and you talk about it every day, and you
talk about it every day. And now when it
comes to the Shidduch and you're working
for, when it comes to the actual date
and how far it should go, when it comes
to the process, all of a sudden you're
not got out of the equation. You pushed
him out of the way, you didn't invite
him in the room, you didn't invite him
in the conversation, you didn't invite
him around the table, you did not invite
him as one of the parties. By the way,
he's one of the parents. The Kaddishin
says the shalah shivim ba'adam, there
are three parents to every child. It's
not just the biological parents of this
child who have a say in the shidduch.
The senior partner and the senior say is
Hashem himself. But how many of us not
only don't give him the whole table,
but we push him and exclude him from the
table. Instead of every time we sit down
with our child by ourselves to discuss,
to deliberate, to receive resumes, to
talk about who should be the next
shidduch, to talk about how the shidduch
is going, each time it should be
introduced with Kodesh Baruch Hu, Ribono
shel Olam, please join us. We need your
siyata d'Shmaya. We want to feel your
presence. It's your son. It's your
daughter. It's our son. It's our
daughter with you, Hashem. A little
siyata d'Shmaya, a shtikil t'fillah at
the beginning of every conversation
about shidduchim should be an invitation
to Hashem. I defer to you. We're just
showing our hishtadlus. That's why we're
here, but really you're in charge,
really you're in control. So it says in
Orach Chaim Zalman Auerbach, that
which the Gra said specifically with
shidduchim, we should less ein hakavana
sh'leima l'hishtadel klum. Rak
hishtadlus pachus m'ma she'hishtadel
b'sha'ar tz'rachav. It doesn't mean
don't show initiative at all, it means
show less initiative. So if you work X
hard at work, if you like work X hard,
l'havdil, your tennis, your golf game,
you work X hard in the daf yomi or your
chesed projects, work less hard on
shidduchim, not more. Wow, that's
halacha l'maiseh of Zalman
Auerbach, not me. The Vilna Gaon, the
Gra, Rav Zalman, Chaim
Shmuelevitz, sichos mussar, that as
parents we have to realize there's such
a thing as excessive, extreme
hishtadlus, which means that we're
lacking and we're failing in bitachon,
emunah, and dveikus. We have to find
that magic balance that in between, take
our initiative, and show our effort, but
get out of the way. Don't try too hard,
and don't try too fast. You cannot rush
Hashem. It's in his right time with the
right person. He's in charge. He's in
control. Submit, surrender, devek,
devekus, stick with him. If you don't
stick with him, and you try to figure it
out on your own, then he will say, "I
guess you're in charge."
And so as parents, it's so so important
to not take too much initiative, and to
realize that
there's no such thing as perfection. To
be open-minded about who the potential
mate of our child will be. Perfection
doesn't exist. It doesn't exist within
ourselves if we're honest. It doesn't
exist in our own homes. The first point
we made was about looking in the mirror.
And therefore, we shouldn't be too
narrow in the definitions of what we're
looking for. We should be open-minded,
and let Hashem do his magic. Let Hashem
do his work. I have heard many stories
of a person who that shidduch was read
by accident, really meant the other
person, and it turns out that was the
bashert. They lived happily ever after.
And if a person was too rigid, too
narrow-minded, too focused, if a person
had too set uh um a list, then they
could never have let penetrate Hashem's
greater plan for us. Be open-minded. Be
fluid. And it doesn't mean to settle.
One should never settle. The older you
get doesn't mean you have to settle. We
deserve happiness. We deserve the female
according to who we are, our dreams, our
wishes, our ambitions, and our drive.
The older we get, and the older our
children get, we don't have to accept or
encourage them to ever settle. It means
that we can re-prioritize. We could
recognize that life is fluid. We can
pivot. And we could recognize that what
we thought was critically important last
year or last decade is not as critically
important today. What is important is to
find the person who will have the
qualities that we can grow old together,
and that we can uh grow in our lifestyle
of avodas Hashem together. Point number
four, I realize the time is late. We're
going to uh we're going to rush through
some of these other points. Number four,
what should we be looking for? We just
alluded we just hinted to this.
Perfection's off the table. There is no
such thing. It is a mirage. It's an
illusion. It is something that we will
pursue and chase and never ever arrive
at. So, stop. Let it go. Stop looking
for it. What are the critical things?
So, I I'll tell you that as a as a rav
who receives regular reference calls,
and it's a privilege and an opportunity
and I'm grateful to be able to
contribute to whatever degree I can to
my BRS family to help them find their
their mates. But, they're not always
easy phone calls. They're not always
easy phone calls. And the reason that is
is parents often call and they're
following a script of questions that
include some if not most terrible
terrible questions, inappropriate
questions that I'm never going to
answer, questions I couldn't possibly
know the answers to. I don't live with
that young man or young woman. I've
never been on a date with the young man
or young woman. I've never invited on a
tour of the of the medicine cabinet of
that young man or young woman. I've
never been forwarded the financial
statements of the parents of that young
man or that young woman. Those questions
will not get you anywhere because it's
an inappropriate assumption to think
that I or other references have access
to that that information. What saddens
me is that it's rare, it's infrequent,
that the more productive questions and
the questions that are greater
predictors of what kind of husband or
wife the person that's being called
about will be are not asked nearly
enough. So, of course hashkafah matters.
And of course commitment to halacha
matters. And of course certain aspects
of lifestyle will matter. And of course
a person who's generally healthy,
mentally, physically, spiritually, of
course these things matter. And we can
talk about and I've written about um to
what degree we should investigate each
of those things. Will it be productive
to investigate? Will we really uncover
the truth? Are poskim and the rabbonim
even telling the references to reveal
what they know so will it even be
fruitful to ask? All for another time. I
don't even want to har- harp on that
tonight. What I want to share as parents
of children in shidduchim is to focus,
of course, on paper it should tell us
whoever's reading the shidduch already
assumes there's a certain compatibility
of hashkafa. What we want to know about
are some of the core personality. Does
the other person have simchas chaim? Are
they a happy person? Are they a sad, are
they a depressed person? Are they
generally happy? Do they look for the
good? Do they see what's there? Do they
see what's missing? Do they see the good
in their life and are they happy with
what they have? Are they always
competing?
Are they jealous? Are they envious? Are
they unable to be happy for others? Do
they show the capacity to be a mevater?
Are they willing to compromise? Are they
willing to sacrifice? Or does it have to
be their way or the highway? Are they
meticulous planner? Does everything need
to be exactly laid out? Are they
flexible? Do they go with the flow? Are
they an introvert or shy, an extrovert?
Which there's no judgment, not
categorically good or bad, but they're
indicators and predictors about certain
aspects of relationship and what can be
anticipated. So yes, of course,
hashkafa, halacha, they matter. But what
matters even more, all the marriage
counseling I've done as an amateur who
always refers to professionals and works
alongside them, but all the marriage
counseling I've done for 20 years and
unfortunately I've done and continue to
do a lot. I never see anyone come in and
fight about what was asked in the
na'arishkeit questions in the
references.
The marriage isn't dissolving or the
marriage is not in crisis because of
something that was on the resume. It has
to do with a internal personality flaw.
It has to do with the fact that the
other person is overpowering,
micromanaging, controlling. The other
person is contemptuous or condescending.
The other person is inflexible. The
other person is it comes and doesn't
communicate. The other person is That's
what we should be looking for. If we
want our children to be happy and
balanced, of course, we want them to be
on on path that is consistent
halachically and hashkafically, but
those core personality traits, that's
what should be on our radar. That's what
we should be asking. Number five. Number
five. This amazing organization, 10K
Bata Yisrael, was set up my
understanding, what I've come to learn
and what I admire and see is so
beautiful, is that our shadchanim are
working tirelessly and selflessly,
deserve our admiration, deserve our
appreciation. Our shadchanim are
wonderful, but I believe we're going to
move the needle on this issue when we're
not relying only on professional and
volunteer shadchanim, but all good
people see this as our collective issue.
That every one of us is engaged and
involved in the process of setting
people up, of making shidduchim, of
working towards this end, of working
towards this end. Mishnah Avos tells us
we should know what is above us.
I see those
and your ears.
Everything we do is being recorded. Our
generation appreciates this more than
any other because taka, there are
satellite imagery and cameras. It's
recording everything we do and
everywhere we go, there's an eye that
sees and there's an ear that hears and
there's security cameras and there's
everything we're doing is being
recorded. But the
Ba'al Shem Tov interpretation of what
this beautiful Mishnah means. Listen to
what he said. Said the Ba'al Shem Tov,
"Know who is above you. There's a God.
Know who is above you. There's a God.
There's a God. What you see, you
were meant to see. What
you hear, you were meant to hear. Now,
what do you do with it? What do you do
with it? You saw a young man or a young
woman. You heard about a man or a woman.
What
are you going to do with that? You're
going to set them up? You had an idea,
you had a thought, you had a match. Are
you going to red the shidduch? Are you
going to make an effort? Are you going
to leave your comfort zone? Are you
going to take the initiative?
What we see and what we hear are not
random, they're not chance, they're not
by accident, but they're curated,
they're choreographed by from above. The
Almighty, the Ribono Shel Olam, has put
us in that place at that time, has made
us meet those people, has given us that
idea and that thought, and we cannot be
passive. We have to act on it. We have
to make that shidduch. It's for all of
us to get involved in memory of Yisrael,
in memory of Elisheva, in their zechus
l'aliyat neshama, to not rely, to not
defer, to not delegate to others, but
everyone has to get involved. And among
all of us,
perhaps most, parents of those in
shidduchim, mothers and fathers who are
davening and caring not only about their
children, but also should be caring and
making the effort for others. The Gemara
tells us about b'chamtza d'vei
we know that if a person davens for
someone else who needs or wants the same
thing as themselves,
we are answered first. But the Ksav
Sofer and the Mabbi and others write
that that doesn't work if it is a
shtick. If the only reason I'm davening
for the other person who's in undergoing
the same issue as me is because that's
how I'll be answered first, then I'm
really only davening for me, I'm not
really davening for them. The only way
it works that I get merit and I'm
answered first based on my merit is if I
genuinely and authentically and
selflessly I'm davening for them.
So as hard as we're working, if we want
to show hishtadlus, the Gra said show no
hishtadlus in shidduchim, Hashem's in
charge. Reb Zalman said, "No, no,
the Gra didn't mean show no hishtadlus,
he meant show less than you normally
do." If you want to show any hishtadlus,
excessive, extreme hishtadlus, don't do
it on behalf of your own children, do it
on behalf of other people's children.
It'll be a great merit as parents of
those in shidduchim for our children if
we get involved in and if we work hard
for others. Number six, and this is
very, very important. Very important.
Again, I'm throwing a lot out. One can
have children in shidduchim who are 18,
19, 20 years old, who are 40, 50, even
60 years old and be a parent of a child
in shidduchim. But either way, this is
important. Being single
is not an identity. It's a marriage
status. You could be married or you
could be single. But being single is not
the sum total of who a person is. Being
single single is not the totality of an
identity. It is a component. It is a
stage of life. It is a status in filing
taxes, but it is not the sum total of
who a person is. And as parents who have
a child in shidduchim, sometimes
sometimes we reduce them to that being
all about who they are.
How is your dating? Are you dating? Who
are you dating next? What's happening in
your dating? When will you get married?
That becomes the totality of who they
are. And it is a disservice to them. And
we alienate and we hurt them and we hurt
ourselves when we fail to recognize they
are a complex person, a sophisticated
person. The total identity of that
person is so much more than just their
single status. We have to acknowledge
and we have to validate the broader part
of who they are. We have to be mashiv.
We have to um among other children,
maybe we have other children who are
married. You know, one can see
this is a sad reality that sometimes
people see that a person has a child
who's married and that child who's
married, whose accomplishment in life is
they got married. Really, they're not in
school and they're not working and
they're not achieving and they're not
accomplishing. All they are is married.
And then a person has another child who
has earned advanced degrees and is uh
educated and has a career and a
profession and is achieving and avodas
Hashem and in learning and chessed and
tzedakah and is involved in communal
leadership and other people turn to
them. And parents will talk about their
accomplished child as if they're a
failure because they're still single and
their married child as if they're God's
gift to this world because they're
married even if they have not yet
accomplished in other areas. What a
mistake and how misguided. If one has a
child who's single, single is not the
sum total of who they are and we can
never let them believe we think that. We
have to make sure that they know that we
appreciate and we love and we see, that
we acknowledge, that we validate, that
we share, that we promote, that we take
pride in the broader, greater sense of
who they are, of their personality, of
their skills, of their talents, of the
unique mission and purpose in this
world, of the lives that they are
leading. Cuz we have to build their
confidence. If they feel like they're a
nebach, if they feel they're a
disappointment, if they feel they're
making their parents unhappy. You know,
sometimes people say that the
expression, "You're only as happy as
your least happy child." One is only as
happy as their least happy child. And
there's wisdom to that expression
because we love our children so much,
we're only as happy as our least happy
child. But never say that out loud
because your least happy child then will
feel responsible for your unhappiness.
They don't need that guilt. They don't
need to work through that in addition to
their actual unhappiness. So, it may be
true that we're only as happy as our
least happy child, but that's not
something they need to live with. We
need to make them recognize that they're
single and that we respect and we
recognize that that is only a marriage
status, it's not their identity or the
sum total of who they are, it's a
component. We're here to help them,
we're here to support them, we're here
to guide them, we're here to cry with
them, we're here to listen, we're here
whatever we can do to be with them at
this stage while waiting for Hashem to
reveal their bashert. But never reduce
them to being single among their
siblings, among the family, among the
world and specifically and most
importantly for themselves. And equally,
number seven, having a single child is
not your identity. When someone asks
you, "How you're doing? What's new?
What's happening?" Well, "So-and-so is
still single. So-and-so is not yet
married. We've not yet walked them down
the aisle." We have lives experience
that are beyond the status of our child.
It is not our total status. It's not our
child's responsibility to bear or to
have to work through what our experience
of going through that or our feelings
vis-a-vis friends who are not having to
go through it in the same way. Point
number eight. So, what happens with the
frustration?
One can have children particularly as
the years and the time goes on. We're on
point number eight, so we're heading
towards wrapping up. I don't know if
people have questions or want to have a
continual conversation, but you can
begin to post them in the chat for
afterwards. I'm more than happy to offer
whatever I can. Again, I'm no expert,
but where I come from. Point number
eight.
This process can have enormous
frustration, enormous disappointment,
enormous rejection. You're waiting by
the phone. No one's calling with ideas.
Women, girls struggle with that of
course more than boys, but all can find
themselves in a dry spell waiting.
Where is everyone? Why is no one
thinking
of me? Where is Hashem? I'm trying to
have faith. I'm trying to have a Muna.
I'm sticking I'm clinging to him. I
realize that I'm I'm on his timeline,
but I'm waiting. And it's disappointing
and it's frustrating and it's hurtful
and it's painful. And as much faith as
I'm feeling and exhibiting, it can be
difficult. Where do we come in as
parents? How are we meant to behave? Our
job is not to add to that pain. It's not
to contribute to that struggle. But our
job is to relieve it and to carry it.
The Bryce and the sixth paragraph of
Pirkei Avot tells us that among the 48
ways the Torah is acquired
is nose ba'ol im chavero.
Nose ba'ol. The word nose means to
carry. Ba'ol means the burden. You know,
if you're in a room and somebody walks
in and they're carrying a heavy bag, a
heavy suitcase, a heavy table,
you can sit on the side of the room and
point to them and say, "Oy, nebach, that
looks so heavy. Poor them. They're about
to collapse. It looks so heavy."
That's sympathy.
Empathy is to run and to grab the other
end of the table. Empathy is to run and
grab the other end of the suitcase. You
know what happens when you do that?
You're nosei b'ol. When you grab the
other end of the heavy thing someone's
lifting, you make it a little lighter
for them. Nosei b'ol im chaveiro. Go
over and make it lighter. Don't make it
heavier. Make it lighter, not heavier.
Don't add and don't say, "I can't
believe and why'd you break it off and I
don't know if you're going to get
married and who knows if they're not
coming and I thought that was the one
and the dry spell and where are the
shidduch shidduch chanam and where?" Our
job is not to bring our children down,
it's to lift them up. Our job is to not
make their load heavier, it's to make it
lighter, to unburden them, to carry it
with them, to ensure that they don't
bear it alone, to lean in and to listen,
not to always speak, to validate and to
acknowledge the pain and the struggle,
to not always have an answer, to not
always have a mussar message, to simply
listen and to carry it together. Brene
Brown, great psychologist, has a great
example.
She says, you know, sympathy is
someone's down and out, they're down in
the dungeon, they're down in a pit. It's
dark, it's damp, it's cold, it's lonely.
Sympathy is that we're on top and we're
happy and we're satisfied and all is
well and we look down in the pit and we
say, "Sure looks cold and sure looks
damp down there. I feel for you. My
heart is with you. I'm so sorry for what
you're going through." That's sympathy.
Empathy is climbing down the steps and
getting into the pit and sitting next to
the person. Nosei b'ol. Unburden. Make
it lighter, not heavier. But there's
another aspect of nosei b'ol im
chaveiro.
There's a component of nosei b'ol im
chaveiro that
many of the baalei mussar point out
applies not only to feeling the struggle
and the pain of another, but the
capacity to celebrate and feel the
pleasure and the joy of the other. What
we call in the Yiddish, the ability to
fargin others, to share in their joy, to
share in their happiness, to share in
their success, to share in their simcha,
to share in their triumph. The author of
Kelm writes, "Which is harder, to be
nosei b'ol, to feel the pain of another,
or to be nosei b'ol, to feel the
pleasure of another?" Says the author of
Kelm, "When someone else is going
through a hard time, lo aleinu chas
v'shalom, rachmana litzlan, somebody's
been diagnosed with a terrible illness,
financial crisis, family in crisis, we
step in, we feel the pain, we'll make
dinner, we'll help out, we'll text a
lot. Why? Cuz we say, "What they're
going through, thank God, at least
that's not me." So, thank God, at least
it's not me. I'm willing to step in, I'm
willing to step up, I'm willing to help.
But when a person's going through a
simcha, joy, or success, and we look at
them and we say, "Why isn't that me? I'm
such a better person. I DESERVE IT. MY
CHILD DESERVES IT. WHY IS IT THEM NOT
ME?" Then it's so much harder to feel a
sense of empathy, to share in that joy,
to share in that success.
I believe as parents of children in
shidduchim, we have to exhibit not only
nosei b'ol when there's a struggle, but
to teach, to model nosei b'ol, to
fargin. So, our friends have children
who are dating, who are getting engaged,
who are making simchas. We have to teach
our children that no matter what we're
going through, no matter where we're at,
we have the ability to share in the joy
of others. That their happiness doesn't
come at our expense. The Ribono shel
Olam has enough for all of us, that
we're not competing, that we can fargin,
that we can share in the joy of others.
To teach it, to model it, to encourage
it. And lastly, and lastly, there's a
clinical psychologist Susan Silk, and
she wrote an essay called "Comfort In
and Dump Out." And this is the last
thought I have, and then I'm happy to
continue the conversation with
questions. Susan Silk said that when a
person's going through a hard time, and
if you're in shidduchim, you're not by
definition going through a hard time,
but the process itself can be grueling
and difficult and challenging, and as
we've said many times, filled with
tension, disappointment, with
frustration.
So, one has to draw concentric circles.
Whoever is the subject of the
frustrating experience is at the center
of that circle.
And then whoever's closest to them is
the next circle. And then outside of
that is the family. And outside of that
are close friends. And outside of that
are acquaintances. And this rule, this
brilliant principle applies
probably much more to people in real
crisis of illness and elsewhere. But I
think also applies and is really
important for us as parents in
shidduchim to be thinking about as well.
And that is, when we as parents have
grown frustrated with the process and
with the people and even with our own
child, our job is to comfort in and dump
out. We have to know which concentric
circle we're on. Are we on the inner
circle? Are we on an outer circle? Are
we on the furthest out circle? Are we
the point in the middle?
Whatever circle we're on, we comfort in.
We give a message of comfort. We give a
message of support. We give a message of
strength in. If we're frustrated, we
dump out. So, you can call someone else
when you're frustrated. Don't put it and
deposit on your child. Comfort in. When
it comes to our children, they deserve
our unequivocal support. We should be
good listeners. We should be machazik.
We should be companions. We should
express empathy, climb down when we need
to, and lift them when we need to, and
model and teach when we need to. But
comfort in and dump out. So, there's
much, much more to talk about, but we
hit on 10 key points tonight. Number
one, priority and value. That as parents
of those in shidduchim, as much as we're
looking at the other party, we need to
look at for ourselves and encourage our
children to look in the mirror at
ourselves. Because
a zivug rishon is the ideal state of who
we are. But the reality
of who we are is who we're going to get.
So, who is the reality of who we are?
It's like in Port Authority, you can't
just get on any bus. But to with our
children, examine not only bein adam
l'makom, bein adam l'chaveiro, bein adam
l'atzmo, where are they going and who do
they want to be and what kind of home do
they want to build and are they living
the life that they will be attractive to
the person that they want to attract,
that they want to be attracted to, that
the shidduch process is an opportunity
and an invitation to grow, to grow in
our emunah and bitachon bein adam
l'makom, to grow in our hakaras hatov
bein adam l'chaveiro, and to grow bein
adam l'atsmo. Number two, don't
interfere too much. Gan Eden mikedem
like Adam and Chava, don't be overly
involved, don't micromanage. Teach
independence, achrayus. Why? Because
"Mimashiash tulyim b'vo hu toleh
b'misha'amer b'eilah olam." Like the
Yerushalmi in Bikkurim, that one who
takes achrayus, Hashem has their back.
We have to teach our children, I leave
to you to execute to what degree, but to
use this process to teach our children
independence, responsibility, achrayus,
to empower them, to position them for a
successful launch in life. Number three,
how much hishtadlus to balance. We can't
take none, but we can't show too much or
a lack of emunah and bitachon. Rav
Zalman of Vilna Gaon said
specifically here, we show less than
normal because we submit, we surrender,
we defer to Hashem, not less than
normal. This is where Hashem reveals His
hand, and if we push too hard, if we
make try to happen too fast, then
Hakadosh Baruch Hu says, "You're going
to mess it up, you're going to
compromise, you're going to corrupt it."
That we have to be open-minded. That
doesn't mean that we have to settle.
Means we have to constantly pivot in
priorities. Number four, what we're
looking for. Of course, hashkafah,
halacha, compatibility, but we're
looking for middos. A koach to be
mevater, not to micromanage, simchas
hachaim, joy for life. Number five, to
not only daven for others to make
shidduchim. You want your child to get
married?
Ayin ra'ah, ozen sham'as, we all have
come across singles who we can help, we
could be thinking about, we could be
making shidduchim for, and in that
merit, memory of Yisrael and Elisheva,
10K Battei Yisrael, and in the merit of
our children's successful shidduchim, we
can make those shidduchim. Number six,
single is not an identity. It is a
marriage status, and our children have a
life and an identity independent. We
have to be mashiv that, we have to
recognize that, we have to celebrate
that, we have to take pride in that, we
have to build their confidence in the
totality of who they are. Having a
single child is not our identity, it
will one component of our life, and we
have to let our children lead their
lives. You know, sometimes they'll make
choices we won't be happy with, we won't
be happy with. I spoke recently to
somebody whose child broke off their
engagement. And the parent was so broken
and so tzubruchen. The child was shalem
with their decision, but the parent was
not, and the parent needed the
encouragement, it's not your life. Your
child has to make these decisions, and
while you'll guide them and be by their
side, it's their life. Having a single
child is not our identity. Number eight,
nosei b'ol chaveiro, to feel the pain,
empathy. Number nine, nosei b'ol, to
fargin, to feel the positive, to show
the capacity to celebrate the simchas,
the joy, and to always remember to
comfort in and to dump out, to be there
for our children. Thank you so much for
listening this evening, and I'm happy to
entertain any questions that are in the
chat or are being relayed elsewhere.
Rabbi Goldberg, thank you so so much.
There
chat is going crazy with kudos
for you and
for the thoughts and inspiration and
practical suggestions that you've made.
While I give everyone an opportunity to
post questions on the chat, I'm just
going to say a few concluding words, and
that is we know that truly every
shidduch suggestion counts.
And tonight's inspiration should be an
ilui nishama for Yisrael ben Yushaya
Halevi and Elisheva bas Shimon v'Skila
bas Ephraim.
Please continue to have Yisrael and
Elisheva in mind when making shidduch
suggestions.
As so often, the best shidduch ideas do
come from friends and family. And visit
10kbatyisrael.org
to log suggestions and be included in
the count. And please sign up for our
email updates and join our WhatsApp
group to keep abreast of events,
resources, milestones,
incentives, and so much more. We'll
leave it with a bracha
that everyone should be successful to
share the simchas of our children lafi
masav that we should they should make
zivugim that are ola yafa which will be
a source of bracha of simcha of nachas
for all of us that we are able to
fulfill all of the nisionos the tests of
the process to be able to grow ourselves
and l'shem ul'tiferes. Thank you so so
much for joining this evening.