6 Ways to Find Your Soul-Mate - Rabbi Yom Tov Glaser

[Music] what we're going to be doing here live in Jerusalem is the six steps to finding your soulmate now some of you may already be married some of you may be sing but that don't matter none we're going to figure out how to find your soulmate and if you're already married you're going to help others find their soulmate using these six steps what are the six steps the six steps are from the acronym happy ha a p p e y now you may be saying what is adding an e to the word happy it's not spelled that way well this class has six steps so happy is going to be spelled ha A P p e y we're going to start with the H okay number one is H and H is the word Hashem Hashem which means god or the name literally it means god and what's the point why do you get married Faster by knowing the H the that there is Hashem and the answer is is that the H stands for Hashem because Hashem knows who you're going to marry we have a great saying from our Sages that 40 days before you're even conceived meaning when you were parents were staring into each other's eyes on that cruise ship the name of your soulmate was already called out in heaven so God already knows exactly who you're supposed to marry so imagine I knew who you were supposed to marry if I knew who you were supposed to marry would you bribe me would you try to get the answer try to find out who it is well there is someone who knows who you're supposed to married it's God and what's your job your job is to worry about your relationship with God you worry about your relationship with God let God worry about your relationship with your soulmate and it really works really works you know so many people think that it's totally up to them to find their soulmate so they get themselves all doed up they spend all this extra money on clothes and other accessories when in fact their soulmate could be on another continent in fact your soulmate could be right in front of you but if you haven't evolved to where you're supposed to evolve to in life you want even recognize one another as soulmates our job is to really worry about our own growth and our own growth is ultimately experience via our search and connection and constant deepening of our connection with God you worry about your relation with God let God worry about your connection with your soulmate and you will see that in a world like the Jewish world that I live in here in Jerusalem there's like it's like an epidemic of marriages okay people are getting married all the time marriage after marriage wedding after wedding I mean the amount of money you could spend just on cabs going from wedding to wedding to wedding to wedding I go to the reception of this wedding the of that wedding the dancing of that wedding the main course of that wedding and I go to the dessert of that wedding I go to the Mitzvah of that wedding and I I sometimes I have six weddings a night here and you'll see that there's no real fraternizing we're not mixing all the time it's just everyone's worrying about the relationship with God and God's worrying about your relationship with your soulmate so number one is H number one of happy is H it stands for Hashem okay everyone's got number one number one Hashem number two number two is a and that is alive most likely whomever you're supposed to marry is already alive you know I can't imagine you're going to marry someone who's you know 25 years younger than you okay your soulmate's already there so what is this alive step the alive step is start by having a relationship now with the person that you're going to marry look at me I don't know who it is how am I supposed to have a relationship answer go to the cotel go down to the cotel and pray for that person the next time you're praying before you go to bed at night maybe that person you're going to marry is feeling down maybe they're feeling sick maybe they just lost their job if your husband or wife just felt sick or lost their job or something else went wrong would you not pray for them when you not hope they feel better when you not put in a good word for them upstairs develop the relationship now So In The Word Alive which is the a of happy is to already develop your relationship with your soulmate start relating to them you can write them little love letters you know what a a li settle is a a light note is by your by your wife's shabas lights on Friday you can leave a note for her so before she lights the candles she can read a little note from you I mean after all we already set up the candles the men set up the candles for the wives and we can leave a little little note to bring her into chabas maybe a little something on that week's paraa get her into context of the of the chabas and you can do that now and you know what even if you you can't hand it to her because you don't know who she is but you can write a note and you can write him a note for when you'll meet him and when you finally meet them you can hand them a whole stack of notes from all the shabas that you had yet to meet so there's two points though for a one is that whomever you're supposed to marry is already alive so therefore start developing that relationship and the second aspect of that or B is dignity dignity you know how people say you know when I get married you know I'm no longer going to go there anymore when I get married I'm not going to do that anymore when I get married I'm not hanging out over there anymore you know we have this like dual life we're going to live like our single life where we'll do X Y and Z but our married life where I'm not going to do that anymore that's not the way to go when you say that what's you're ultimately saying is you're not ready to get married you're constantly showing God you're not ready to get married when you're doing all the things you're not going to do after you get married start living with the Dignity of a married person whatever it is you're going to change once you get married change it now while you're single show God that you are someone who's already living by the level of dignity of a married person and let God say hm this is a person who's creating a vessel for marriage so that again H was happy a alive alive has two points point a is start developing the relationship with the person you're going to marry and B is start living with the Integrity that you're going to have once you're married while you're still single show God that you're the you're a vessel that's fitting for marriage and now the p p well there's two P's the first p is the word private learn how to be a private person you'll notice that in the Jewish World you'll never hear rabbis or rabbitson or anyone share their private intimate stuff with you they just will never broach the topic of their intimate life with their spouse with you it is private yet you'll hear in the Noto Torah oriented world people are willing to share all kinds of details that are just inappropriate to be shared Ing and we especially today with our social networking people have lost kind of any concept of what is meant to be your inner World your private world so in the Jewish world there's a high level of privacy when it comes to the intimacy of a couple and so by now becoming someone who has an inner World an inner world that is their private inner world and by developing it and protecting it and creating kind of a fortress around your heart not the kind of Fortress that's out of uh having been hurt in the past that's a whole other thing you got to deal with I'm talking more just saying that that there there there's a special space here there's a sanctuary let's call it there's a sanctuary around my heart and it's not available for everyone to view and by showing God that you are someone who can handle privacy and knows how to keep intimate things to yourself or to some very very close confidence then God is saying that hey here's a person ready for Jewish marriage which is the ultimate of privacy you know I I was once walking out of my house with a couple and my wife we were going out together and the my wife and I this couple and the the the husband of the lady put his arm around his wife as we're walking out but we're in a yiddish-speaking Fiddler on the roofle people don't do that so my wife and I just kind of looked over our shoulder and he immediately took his arm off or he said I shouldn't do that and my wife said something amazing she said those who have it don't show it and those who show it don't have it never feel jealous when you look out of a bus window or something you see two people Mak it out on the side of the road or something like don't feel jealous about those things always remember those who show it don't really have it and those who have it they don't need to show it because they really have it and when do they show it they show it when it's private when it's intimate private show God that you're private about such intimate matters and God will say h that person's ready for Jewish marriage that's the first P so H is Hashem a alive P private and now the second P the second P um ladies don't like this one very much they'll want to kill me for this but don't worry the guys are going to want to kill me for the E okay so we're going to go right to the P the p is platonic platonic means we're just friends there's nothing really going on between us we're just friends now first of all guys don't have platonic relationships and um but the second main point is that to find your soulmate you need to need everything in life only is the Fulfillment of Desire like for anything to happen in this world it's because a need got filled God has said up the system of creation that where there is desire there is fulfillment but the problem is is that if you're already having all these platonic relationships these were just friends relationships so what happens is all your need is already filled and there and so God can't actually send the soulmate to fulfill the need because the needs already been covered what does it have to do with women what it has to do with women is women have multispectral relationships their needs and relationships have have a large large spectrum and our job as men is to meet as many of those spectrums as possible not every man can meet every aspect of the spectrum but the more the man meets the happier the wife is the happier the marriage is the less of the spectrum he meets she'll fulfill it with her friends shopping eating all kinds of other things she'll find other ways to fulfill those spectrums and it pays by the way to fill them as much as you can just with your relationship with them now what happens is in the old days people used to get married very very young so by the time she had all those multispectral needs going on she's already got a spouse but in our generation where people are getting married later and later and later and later why ultimately because you know we were thrown to the Wolves to get ourselves married which never was the case throughout all the years of History whether you were a Jew or a gentile for thousands of years your parents actually took care of that for you and look how society's doing ever since we've been trying to take care of that ourselves not so well it has been an absolute disaster actually but back to our program the uh what happens is well she never got married she didn't get married at 12 like they do in Iran or 14 like they did in bellaro or where whatever the Ages were she didn't get married and then she turned 18 she didn't get married 19 and 20 and 21 22 25 2 30 41 they it just got later and later but she has all these needs now she could had all those needs met by girlfriends by lady friends but there's a whole other aspect and that is that um it's a strange thing it's one of the weird things that came up with the whole uh the whole uh feminist movement and stuff is that women don't like women very much it's the weirdest thing in the world because it's all about you know women strong Pride like we're the women except you ask most women they don't like women very much women don't really like women they like men and men handle all their needs so like if they get a job and they want to go out and party they have a guy set up for that it's always that guy they've known him since high school they go out and party yeah if she loses her job she has another guy that she goes out for having lost the job okay and it goes on with like whatever is going on in her life she's got already a guy tapped for each of those particular emotions that she's feeling that she needs to share with somebody and in other words she's married already even though she's never gotten married she's married to all these different men that she's tapped as her you know fulfillers of the spectrums of her needs in relationship so what is the advice here the advice is no platonic relationships you got to be ready for this most women are like what I'm not doing that you want me to just like go high and dry like no one to talk to none no relationships well there's two ways to deal with this one is um one is start enjoying relationships with women women are people too yeah you can actually have relationships with women and number um two is follow the advice you'll land yourself a spouse you'll land yourself a husband and now you're going to have someone to fulfill all your needs in the relationship meaning this works I will give you a promise anyone I will give you a promise anyone who takes on to stop being friends with guys in honor getting married will be engaged within 6 to8 months 6 to8 months Hashem will send the soulmate because it takes a little time till the need starts developing like I need it I need a relationship I need a relationship and what happens is that that space is created and the relationship comes in now obviously there's all kinds of reasons why someone may still be without their soulmate because after all we all are reincarnations and we're all dealing with residual stuff from previous lives and the there's a lot more to the story than that but if there aren't residual kind of cosmic debt from previous lives of why someone stayed single someone can actually find their soulmate quite quickly by just dropping the platonic relationships I'll tell you one example there was a person who had the biggest shabas tables it was a girl big shabas tables like packed every single week with people every dinner every lunch every third meal packed with guests she was the most popular shabas table you to go to she was famous for her shabas table but we just saw her getting older and older and older and older and never getting married and everyone loved her everyone was crazy about this girl everyone loved her in fact as a rabbi I used to counsel the boys and theiva and so there' be like boys waiting in line and then I'd be meeting with this one boy and he'd say Rabbi it's just amazing I found my soulmate I'm madly in love with her I'm sure she's madly in love with me and I'm like really really uh it wouldn't happen to be soand so would it the girl with the Sham was sing he's like it is how did you know this is totally Bashar you know and I'd say you see all those guys sitting over there they're about to tell me the same exact thing yet she stays single year after year so anyway she's crying at the cult I never even met the girl I just would hear about so crying at the CTO every day crying at the CTO God send me my soulmate please I can't take it anymore please please please and every day anyway eventually my my wife says we got to talk to this girl so we go to her house we knock on the door hi we're the glazers uh we just want to have a little talk with you about your uh life she's like what anyway we told her the whole thing enough having like 30 best friends who are guys and all that stuff and just like just get rid of them all and you will be married and she's like I beg your pardon you can just leave my house right now and so my wife and other said like okay you know we tried we left her house and she was very angry with us eight more months of the CTO BL God you know tears bouncing off her face landing on the cotel floor and anyway finally after eight months she says that's it I'm taking their advice she goes to her house goes through her list of her best male friends and she calls each one and it's like crying she's like I'm so sorry but it's over you know but I I can't go out with I can't be friends with you anymore and uh whatever and I I got to get married already and this ridiculous and anyway when she finally finishes the last phone call hangs up the phone there's a knock at the door she goes to the door and there's some cruy headed guy outside her door saying saying uh excuse me I heard this is where the shabas meals are I was just wondering uh what time this week uh will the chabas dinner be and she's like there is no more chabas dinner okay chabas has been cancelled okay and he's like what canceled chabas I mean it's still shabas but not here not in my house anymore he's like why not and she goes on to explain everything and tells them why not and everything anyway she invited me to their HOA I made a br under their HOA that's who she married she married this hapless guy you get that platonic get rid of the platonic relationship so H Hashem Hashem knows who you're supposed to marry you worry about your relationship with Hashem let Hashem worry about your relationship with whom you're supposed to marry two was alive your soulmate's alive that means a develop the relationship now B start living with the Integrity of a married person p p was Private start developing the level of privacy that a Jewish marriage enjoys the other P platonic get rid of the platonic relationships create that need and let God fulfill the void yeah let him fill the void with your soulmate and then e that's right we spell happy with an e and that e is expectations expectations you see we all have this like Santa Claus wish list of who we want to marry you know just like this long list of all the things in the perfect spouse I suggest you make that long Santa Claus wish list I suggest you make that wish list and make it about a hundred items long of all the things in a perfect spouse take it to a well ventilated area and burn it that wish list that you have in the perfect spouse I'll give you another title for it instead of the perfect spouse let's call it the no working on my marriage list okay what it's really is or the Comfort list I want a comfortable marriage and when you ask most men what do you want in a marriage they say uh I'd like to marry a woman who is low maintenance seriously they say this to me all the time what are you looking for in a girl oh my gosh those the matchmakers the shim you know they're just like don't tell me low maintenance yeah mean basically he doesn't want to be married but he wants to be married you know married without marriage you know so anyway this whole wish list is ridiculous like they they people don't like that first of all they don't exist even if they did exist God would send other issues you know life is about work marriage is about work you want a great marriage it's cuz you're going to have a lot of work in the marriage there's no such thing as a marriage without work and don't think when you see those two you know don't think when you see a couple don't think when you see a couple at a chabas table you know staring into each other's eyes with the kids and the guests and it's all so romantic yet don't think like they're on glue blue or were born that way or something you didn't get to see like the the tears you know you didn't get to see what they went through to get to that level of connection they worked on it marriage is about work so get off Santa's lab and get real okay and what does it mean to get real getting real means that you know you're going into the work and what who you want is who God wants for you you want to marry ultimately your soulmate now there are such things as deal breakers you can have up to three deal breakers and none of them can have to do with looks because when you ask the average guy what he's looking for what are his deal breakers what are his top priorities number one is usually looks number two is usually looks and number three is usually looks okay looks looks and looks okay well I have a little advice for you men I suggest you look in a mirror okay and if it doesn't break you will look in that mirror and you look at your face and you say what kind of girl is supposed to marry a face like this okay just look in that mirror and just keep staring and figure out what kind of girl is supposed to marry a guy who looks like Lurch from The Adams Family okay so the the uh men are so brainwashed by Billboards and advertising popup ads and of course a little loose clicking when no one's looking and the all the things that men have seen with their eyes of what girls are they are already hopeless they are they there's nothing they can do to even see their soul mates anymore because they've already like they just don't even know what it would look like because they're just totally brainwashed that she's some kind of like 5'11 Scandinavian you know lady named uh you know Hilda or something I don't know the it's not the picture of a Jewish woman you you don't even know anymore you're lost okay just get it that you're lost okay and and thank God for the intuition of Jewish Women or you'd be totally lost because when you finally have a woman whose intuition is buzzing away and just going like I think he's the one I think he's the one I think he's the one and you'll be getting scared scared scared like I'm really scared I'm really scared so that's when you know it's probably right her strong intuition and your absolute fear okay so that's more what you're looking for here okay and then then maybe you got something going on okay and um so so when it comes to expectations forget it drop the expectation but deal breakers you're allowed up to three deal breakers and all three must be um they can't be intrinsic to women they can't be like women things they can't be like warm kind and giving okay that's the Webster dictionary definition of a woman okay warm kind of giving of course someone always says not in Manhattan you know okay so besides Manhattan that is the definition of a woman okay worm kind of giving I'm not talking about I'm talking about deal breakers like for example uh she has two phds she has two phds and he's he's a high school dropout who Waits tables okay deal breaker she'll never respect them like she may be enamored with him she may think he's really handsome you know only in La would a girl ever date such a guy um you know because it just looks so good when we're driving around together you know just looks good it's like honey forget it deal breakers like the phds or or if you're Persian for example Persians like to marry Persians okay it's a deal very she's not marrying you know Hans FR Don Clans you know she you know she wants to marry a Persian man okay if he's not Persian so Moroccan second best okay you know you know but she's not marrying you know you know schlump Goldstein you know so so that could be a deal breaker doesn't have to be I met Persians are willing to marry you know an ashkenazic person or whatever but you got to figure out where your deal breakers deal breakers are if you have them some people don't have deal breakers for some people deal breaker is shabas got to keep shabas okay kosher got to be committed to keeping kosher committed to keeping kosher that might be a deal breaker for someone for another person they like okay I'm willing to grow with them we'll grow into it together I'm not ready for that but I'll marry someone who's also not as long as they willing to grow so a deal breaker might be that it's not she's not a growth person or he's not a growth person meaning I'm not there but I know I'm going there whereas he ain't going there or she ain't going there because certain people you can see they're not growth people they're kind of Popeyes you know like yams they're like yams I am what i y yeah don't change me I am what I am yeah so when it comes to expectations so we're looking for we're looking for no expectations get rid of your Santa Claus wish list or as we said get off Santa's lap and deal with only deal breakers what are the deal breakers as far as attraction looks it's more about attraction attraction is not necessarily looks attraction is a chemistry thing attraction is just is something you feel you know it's not necessarily anything objective about attraction and that's the way it is you know so expectations that's the E of happy okay so H was Hashem hashem's in charge he knows who you're supposed to marry you worry about your relationship with God let him worry about your relationship with your soulmate a is alive your soulmate's alive which means number one develop a relationship number two is to uh live with the Integrity of a married person the p is private develop an inner world and the other p is platonic get rid of your platonic relationships you're already married just to no one and number and then the the E is expectations and expectations get rid of all your expectations and start living in the reality that marriage is about work you got deal breakers so pay strong attention to your deal breakers but other than that get rid of the expectations and just go with the work of marriage and that will create a great marriage and last but not least is the letter Y and that stands for you whomever you marry is going to be married to you so they're going to be dealing with you I want you to imagine that you are a swimming pool and whomever you marry is going to be swimming in your pool now when you have a pool party you want to kind of go check your pool before everyone arrives okay you want to just go through there with a little screen get the leaves you want anything funky floating by you know you want to clean out the pool and that's what's called personal development there are lots of books in personal development there's seminars in personal development there are mentors will help you with personal development you may need a therapist you may need a coach you may need a best friend to help you along with it but do it get yourself to the point of of making your single life obsolete meaning get all the growth you could possibly get while you're still single get it done now finish your single life via personal growth there's certain things that you got to go through before you get married get done with them now by by instead of going through stuff actually voluntarily get the growth you need figure out what you're going to do to get your personal growth in so that you are living with the ultimate you so that whomever you marry who joins you and jumps in the pool of your life is going to have a real clean swim and a nice swim that it's clean to be in a relationship with you you're someone who burns clean fuel and the beauty of that is that you'll be much more likely to recognize your soulmate when you're burning clean fuel when you're coming from a place of self-generating love when you're coming from a place of self-esteem when you're coming from a place of real confidence not ego confidence you see most of the time I meet someone who says that they're you know in love or they want to get married to this person and I'm looking at the two of them just going like this is the least compatible couple I've ever seen so I say to them you know what do you love about her what are you so crazy about and he gives me this long list of like six different things about himself she makes me feel smart she takes good care of me she loves me me me me me who's he in love with he's in love with himself the truth is he's not in love with himself the truth is he actually most likely if I can say hates himself and she's the Band-Aid over the wound she's some kind of butterfly Band-Aid over a 50 Stitch gouging wound inside his heart and she's some kind of little butterfly band that's going to hold it all together at least for a few weeks after the wedding most people are patching themselves up with relationships most people love people not because they love them but because they're starting to feel a little sense of Love of their self via that person how many of us have been in relationships with people just because meaning dead in relationships with people just because they said I love you you know they said I love you and so now we're in this relationship and like a deadend relationship wasting our time wasting our energy and and they're cutting off chunks of our heart that we we're going to need later for our marriages all because someone said I love you CU you know the cuz me this sick puppy finally got some love yeah which means it's all selfish when you do your personal development and you develop you that's the why you that you are coming from from a powerful and healthy Place burning clean fuel you become a person who actually chooses great relationships you're actually seeing the person you're dating for who that person is when I ask people who have graduated my seminar work for example about a person they're interested in marrying they only give me a list about that person they it has nothing to do with them it's all about the virtues of the person they want to date because they're coming from a very nice space a space of wholeness a space of well-being and so when I'm coming from well-being well I'm very interested in knowing other people now I can add people to my life I can add children I don't want to have my children saying they love me I want to say I will love you to my children how many of us grew up sitting in the back of the car and and say you love daddy say you love mommy they're like pulling our love out we need our love put in we needed the love put in not pulled out CH spouses are not for us to feel loved children are not for us to feel loved our love comes from the creator of the universe and comes from ourselves and we add a spouse to our repertoire to be able to give love and they're going to be doing the same thing so don't worry you're going to get it you'll get the love but you're it's not about what they can give me is what I want to give because I'm overflowing my cup overfloweth with love for other people and especially for my spouse and for my children they're not there as some kind of Band-Aid for some wound I have because that's not real love that's just trying to love oneself via the Usery of other people so when you develop the sixth step the why of the six steps of Expedia finding your soulmate and you get your work done in your own personal development you so then you can have an amazing chance to look around at the world and say who who belongs next to me who's supposed to be swimming in my pool and you really know yourself so well that you're much more likely to make a really good choice of who you're supposed to marry than some kind of fix it job for some negative feelings you have toward yourself so those are the six steps of happy or the six ways of Expedia finding your soul and I'll review them real quick H is Hashem a is alive p is private the other p is platonic e is expectations and Y is you and just to go through them all again Hashem is that God knows who you're supposed to marry you worry about your relationship with God God will take care of who you marry a alive is that your spouse is already out there so one develop that relationship and two is start living with the Integrity of marriage p is private live with the privacy of a married couple even before you're married and the other p is platonic is stop being married to so many people when you're not married to any of them and E is expectations and that is get rid of all those expectations that is your comfort wish list your uh what we called uh uh low maintenance wish list and uh but you can have your deal break if there's some serious deal breakers there and finally the why is you develop yourself into the ultimate you so that when you're finally bringing someone else into your life that it's going to be a clean and beautiful experience thank you very much