Akeida & Marriage | Parshas Vayeira

so there were once a group of simple Jews discussing the story of the al Qaeda The Binding of of Yitzhak and they were trying to figure out how old he was at the attack at the time of the akkada so one of them said you know I don't think he was really that young because it says that he carried the wood to the to the altar so to be able to do that job he was probably at least twelve years old and another one said well you know that figures but you know right after the story of the fk that says he got married so I figure he's got to be at least twenty years old and the third one said you know what maybe it's between what you're both saying maybe at the time of when when Abraham brought Isaac to sacrifice him he was between 12 and 20 years old and they thought man that sounds like a good answer but then a fourth one of them said no that can't be true abraham couldn't have sacrificed Isaac when he was between 12 and 20 because that means he would have been a teenager and then it wouldn't have been a sacrifice okay so the most dramatic most climactic moment probably in all of the Torah is the story of the akkada the The Binding of Isaac and being that it is such a dramatic and climactic moment it's a little bit interesting to see its placement within this week's Torah portion of VNO it's toward the very end of the Pacha and we read all about the Binding of Isaac and then Hashem says don't don't harm him and then they find a ram and they sacrifice the RAM and instead and then that story finishes and you have five more verses in partial failure oh five more verses which are I mean how do you follow an act like that how do you follow the akkada right so or automatically almost by definition anything is going to be an anti-climax after the akkada but how much more so you look at these five verses that are at the end of the parsha and they're very technical very dry verses they're actually genealogies he began he began he began that kind of stuff that were very familiar with from from the first partial from veracious that you know the the just lineage so you have this awesome climactic moment and then this real sort of dry technical list of genealogy and it's sort of a letdown now you could maybe say well you know where they supposed to stop the parsha you know should they stopped it here and then they start the next part show earlier than where they would have started okay I hear that but you want to I'll ask the question a little bit differently the akkada is the Torah reading of which holiday remember Shana and the Rosh Hashana reading is much shorter than a Shabbos reading it's not a whole parsha it's just the story of the akkada right so it cuts out all the first chapters of the majority of veda and it just tells the actual narrative of the akkada story and there's a Shana reading after the akkada it goes on and does those five anticlimactic verses of genealogy like the Rosh Hashana reading could have stopped anywhere it wanted to and yet still we have that note those five extra verses so that's the question what's with those five verses why they tacked on to the most dramatic moment in in Torah okay you hear the question okay so I want to seemingly change the subject for a moment and I want to talk about the ingredient the most essential element for successful marriage there was a longitudinal study that was done at UCLA with over a hundred seventy couples for 11 years charting if there was a correlation between values that these couples held and the degree to which they stayed married and were happily married and what they found after the end of the study was that the single value that most consistently indicated that a couple was going to remain married and be happy in their marriage was the value of sacrifice that's what they found those who value sacrifice remain married and are happily married now it's an interesting idea that marriage requires sacrifice because you know how it's easy to get a laugh I'll tell you a very easy way to get a laugh as you make jokes making fun of marriage right because it's sort of like socially acceptable that everybody knocks marriage knocks the institution of marriage and you know it's like a wink-wink we're all miserable right and they you know when you make comments like I mean I'll do it no I'll get I'll get a laugh I can get a laugh in it anyway I said yeah this they say of to show you this is a one-liner they say before a person is married they are incomplete then they get married and they're finished okay everyone laughs ah ha ha ha right and the whole married buried trope that is you know everybody seems to go along with they say every joke has a little truth or some say every truth has a little joke what is it that everybody is sort of recognizing in these anti marriage jokes what we're recognizing is the fact that whatever you think marriage is going to be whatever your ideal of marriage is the reality is that it is a great ego reducer marriage will level your pride it will force you to become flexible and giving and patient and selfless and depending on how you feel about having your ego reduced that will determine how you feel about marriage another way of saying it is however you feel about marriage is how you really feel about spirituality because spirituality ultimately there's an inverse proportion less you more him or you less him right that's how it works ego is eg oh edging God out so spirituality is humility when you reduce the ego you make room for that which is greater than self right you cannot be self-obsessed and be spiritual you can call it spirituality I've met many people who do but real spirituality being open to something greater than self requires surrender of self self nullification what we call in the holy tongue beatle Bittle nullification I was one time I was speaking somewhere it was I was actually in San Antonio Texas where my daughter actually is this year Angela this but this is before she was there's as many years ago I gave a talk and then afterwards some lady came over to me and she starts saying be tool I said yeah okay Beto she's pronounced you know I'm saying with Ashkenazic accent Whittle but yeah be tool you know the the vowel vocalization of ours a hater can in the short movie tool I said oh yeah be tool she says no be tool I said yeah be tool beetle there's no be a tool be a tool of Hashem that what is bitl what is self nullification be tool be a tool allow yourself to be Hashem's instrument surrender and allow Hashem to use you according to his will and don't fight don't obstruct by asserting self will so that's the rule for spirituality the rule for spirituality is self surrender self-abnegation self nullification okay now happens to be that all of all the things that human beings get involved in that most human beings get involved in the one that is most conducive to spirituality the one thing that is most conducive to ego reduction his marriage that's why when I saw the study from the UCLA the UCLA study it's the that was charting which values are most have highest correlation with success successful marriage I was not I was not at all surprised that they said that the highest correlation was the value of self-sacrifice this this we know this we know because marriage is not really a human institution we know that marriage is really that two people human beings come together and they're held together by a force greater than both of them which incidentally is why it's very important for people to understand that in in marriage you know people people talk about you know I'd want to be a doormat I don't to be a smart you know what what if somebody what if my spouse is being too demanding of me what if they're telling me you know what if they're bossing me around what should I just you know do whatever they tell me to do and not stand up for myself so it's very important to understand that when you let go when you make yourself agreeable when you make yourself humble flexible in marriage you're not surrendering your will to another human being you're surrendering your will to Hashem you're surrendering your will to Asha and allowing your home to be a vessel within which the godly canned well when there's peace between ish and Isha then there's the H you'd K there is the sheena present in the home but that can only be when you let him in when you allow the presence of Hashem and letting Hashem in is all about opening yourself up being a vessel so when you hold on tight to self will Hashem can't be present when you surrender when you make yourself flexible when you make yourself agreeable when you're open then a Power greater than yourself a Power greater than the two of you can flow between you and into your home so that that's basic Jewish marriage 101 is that it's all about selflessness okay now I want to tell you an interesting insight there is agamotto in gittin it actually tells a story about when there was a rebellion against the Romans in Cicero the was during when the Romans occupied the Holy Land and there was a rebellion in the town of Beit are and what fermented the rebellion the story says is that the Roman governor was passing through the the Jewish area and his axle of his wagon broke and they cut down a cedar tree right there and they made an ad hoc axle for the wagon and the Jews rebelled and the gomorrah says over there why because he cut down the wrong cedar tree this cedar tree happened to have been one that was planted by a family to commemorate the birth of a child and it just says over there there used to be a a custom among the jewish people that when a child was born you would plant a cedar tree and then on the day this child is married you cut down the cedar tree and you use it to make the Hopa yeah that's what it says okay now it doesn't explain any further in the Gemara it doesn't explain any further the meaning of that custom however I heard the following insight which I want to share with you what's a cedar tree talks about a cedar tree in Psalms in tehilim it says Sadiq Khatami rifra Kara's be LaVon and uske it's Sadiq a righteous person will blossom like a date palm he'll grow tall like a cedar in Lebanon the Lebanese Cedars were the tallest Cedars that's what Schlemmer Malik King Solomon used when I was building the base I'm ENGLISH the temple so what does it mean did Sadiq the righteous one will blossom like a date palm and grow tall like a cedar and Lebanon it's actually describing two modes of being a Sadiq its speaking about every one of us but I'm a Coulomb tsadikim the entire Jewish nation are considered tsadikim so Sadiq Khatami you for Cara's beloved Anushka is describing something about each and every one of us there's a mode in which each one of us is date-palm like and there's a mode in which each one of us is cedar like how so the Beauchamp have explained that a date palm does not grow as tall as a cedar cedar is known for its height it's also known for being very sturdy wood to use for building you don't really use date palm wood for building so the cedar is taller and mightier it's much more of an impressive tree than a date pump date palms also tall but but compared to a seat or nothing okay however on the other hand what is a date palm have that a cedar doesn't have you have you ever ate cedar fruit not until my chef comes then the non fruit bearing trees will become fruit berry there's no cedar fruit but a date palm has fruits right the luscious dates the date palm doesn't grow quite as high but it gives fruits not why is that just simple botany plant biology whatever energy the date palm would be putting into growing taller it puts that into producing fruits so it's a trade-off these are the two types of tsadikim one type of sadiq is like a tall Lebanese cedar that means that he grows to perfection not physically talking about spiritually emotionally mentally a person who is 8 Adak like a cedar in Lebanon is someone who is growing to great heights of personal accomplishment on the other hand because he's focused on self-development so he's lacking a certain degree of let's call it community service right juxtaposed or contrast that with the date palm the date palm does not grow as high grows tall but not that tall its Woody's its body its trunk is not as mighty and sturdy and strong but what does it do it provides a benefit for others it provides that fruit which nourishes and gives life to animals into human beings that's like the person who diverts energy they would be using for self-development into serving others so I don't have as much me time as perhaps I could have because I've prioritized being available for others now the truth is when we say each one of us has the choice to be in the mode of its of a cedar or the mode of a date palm doesn't really mean two different types of personalities it can really even mean two phases in life like each one of us at one phase of life is one of these and another phase of life is another of these and generally speaking what this describes generally speaking although obviously there can be you know each one of us has a you know their own timeline their own phases their own periods they go through in life but generally speaking it's describing youth and adulthood youth is your time to be selfish think about when you're born you are consummately selfish there's no other time you will ever have the opportunity except for infancy infancy is the only time you will have the right to wake up at 3:00 in the morning and scream at the top of your lungs and wake up the whole house just because you're hungry right when you're an infant that's acceptable when you are a little child you're not even expected to know to share your toys mommy has to come and intervene and get you to share your toys right so you're expected to be selfish and to a certain degree you're even allowed to retain some of that selfishness because what is childhood about childhood as well as adolescence it's about self development meaning a child goes to school what does a child doing a child is learning hopefully not just information but also life skills also values but the point is it's about self development so child you know adults all think look if somebody would tell you you would have an opportunity to go you would have no responsibility and you could just go study all day every day for a year that's a dream right well every kid has that opportunity right but it's not a dream for them but a childhood is a time where it's me time it's about my development it's about my learning and becoming a better person a stronger person and it not only it's acceptable it's expected it's expected because how you're supposed to make a contribution to society as a whole if you haven't first developed as an individual so youth and adolescents is basically a seeder time it's time to grow tall time to develop yourself but that doesn't last forever there comes a point where you have to you have to join adulthood an adulthood means it's not about me anymore first you get married and now you got a compromise with another person and then you realize it's not just about another person it's not just a relationship it's about building a family now you have children you got to be really selfless then you realize it's not just about my home just you know forget the neighbors forget the community no really it's about being an asset to my community to my society and and and if you become enlightened enough you realize I'm really here to make a contribution to the whole world to leave this planet better than how I found it so really what happens is you start off as a seeder where life is about self development self fulfillment self improvement then you become an adult and at the end of that phase it's time to be a date palm and to give fruit to give nourishment and life and benefit to others that was the custom that they used to do when a child was born they would plant the cedar and they would say watch that cedar grow that's like you that's charting your progress metaphorically as a child as an adolescent as someone who is putting their attention on their self development but then when they would get married on the day of the hoof but it would cut down that cedar and use the cedar as part of the hook but to symbolize that that phase has come to an end we're done with cedar tree we're done with growing tall and not providing fruits from now on from now on the priority has shifted it's about the benefit that you can be for others yes a date pump also grows so there is some degree of self development that continues into adulthood but the main emphasis becomes service to your family to your community and ultimate to the world okay so now we can answer our question about the parsha and not just about the parsha about about about about the rosh hashanah reading we have the great climax of the akkada Yitzhak IV knows sacrifice the ultimate sacrifice and then this seeming anticlimax of five genealogical verses Bahia Crais avoiding Hawaii it was after these things meaning after the akkada the you got love romwe mer it was told to Avram saying Hina yo DeMille Cogan he born in Larnaca akiha Avraham's brother not her also has children of ROM has a child yet shocked well not her also has children what's his lineage and it goes through and tells us as as oats behave as booze or here as oil of your arm the scattered was preserved as pill door as you dwarf base Basu L oh I recognize that name Basu L we were soil Yoli the city of car the soul had a daughter named Rivka smelly old old amel : okay Ravi Avram these were the eight children who Kailash a small room of a tailored gum he s Tavares gihan vest Akash bass Michael what are we read here we read the lineage of rifka the climax of sacrifice is not the akkada the akkada was premarital counseling the akkada was yet Hawks preparation for marriage marriage is the ultimate sacrifice so the climax is not the akkada the akkada was the preparation for the real climax which was the real sacrifice when you talk would be married to rifka and the last word of this genealogy michael which is the seemingly meaningless name of this biblical persona that we never hear of again we're told that it's a russia tavis it's an acronym mem I in Jorge Malay kala Elam that's what we said no Shoshanna we tell Hashem rule over the entire world Melek I'll call her audits actually Melek our caller arts ma'am I'm Coffey Melek I'll call Haaretz Micha how does Hashem become king of the entire world he conquers this world home by home by each family unit surrendering themselves and saying that marriage is not a lifecycle event that we just enter into because it's another stage and self fulfillment that's not what it's about if you think marriage is another step towards self fulfillment you're in for a real disappointment but if you believe that marriage is a sacrifice a sacrifice that allows you to AB negate and nullify the ego to make room for a Shem so the Shinda can be present in your home and ultimately cumulatively Hashem can be present in the entire world then then you have a chance then you have a chance so that's that's the lesson the the the the Hollywood moment the big cinematic sacrifice lying there ready to be slaughtered on the altar that's just a preparation the real sacrifice is the day-to-day commitment to living selflessly in your home and allowing Hashem to be the real bala bus to be the real authority in that home and through that Mela Alcoa audits Russia Tavis mica to rule over the entire world that's our lesson this week