0:00 / 0:00
Bein Adam Lachavero| Rabbi Anthony Manning | June 24 2026
0 views
www.ouisrael.org facebook.com/ouisrael #OUisrael #torah #judaism #torahlectures
Categories:
Torah
Comments(0)
Transcript
Auto-generated transcript. Not time-synced to the video.
Morning to all. Welcome.
It's good to see you. We uh will be
continuing our series that we're doing
right now just up until
uh looking again maybe in a little bit
more depth at some of the big picture
bayo issues that we really last covered
in detail in 2015
if anyone remembers back that far. Uh so
I think they were certainly it's uh it's
good to re revisit many of them. I'd
like to thank our SP sponsors for um the
Wednesday morning program which is
dedicated for 2026. As a timely reminder
to please turn off your phones as well.
uh Leilu Nishm Daniel Benavid and
Limudbat Abraham Strauss Morai Ben Mosha
and Raisel Bosef May Marcus LRA the
parents of Judia Marcus and the year is
sponsored for the academic year Ilu
Nishmas Brana Bras Brandit and Zelik
Ben.
Okay. Um,
and if I could please encourage you, as
I say, to turn off your phones and then
we can uh move into the shar. Okay. I'm
trying to hit some of the big picture
items. Uh, not to get too bogged down in
the details, although the details are
very interesting, fascinating, and
important. Um, I'd like to talk today
about the hardest mitzvah of all
mitzvah, which is honoring parents and
our relationship with parents and
children. because uh barak hashem most
everybody in the world is a child that's
for sure and thank God many people are
parents and even if they're not parents
they have relationships with the younger
generation in different ways um and uh
this is central to our relationship with
Hashem. We'll see right now the two
relationships which most connect with us
in life are the horizontal relationship
between man and wife and the vertical
relationship between parents and
children. actually in our spiritual
world in the world of cababala. I'm not
getting into uh deep cababalistic ideas
today, but in the world of cababala
these two relationships, the vertical
and the horizontal are at the very roots
of all of the spiritual potencies that
work through the different worlds of
and and
the connection between parents and
children. Maybe the spir the bina and
the of abba and ima relationship with
the children. and also the the
connection the connection between the
male and the female uh within that
system. So we need to look today at the
parent child relationship and and quite
how central it is to our understanding
of life and indeed of gula. Let's start
with that redemption
the very signing off of prophecy in the
whole what are the last words that we
get from Nvim before the finally we
become an entirely nonprofit
organization how do we how do we do that
number one
says I am sending you aliyah let's
assume that's alahu as wellm
before the awesome and great day of God,
the end of days. What is his job? The
very last in the leotanim
the leanim alam
he will return the hearts of the
children al the parents alanim we have
to look at what al means maybe two but
we'll see in more detail and the hearts
of the children to the parents
unless if this is not done the land will
be destroyed without this relationship
between parents and children. This is
this is fundamental to the ongoing um
the existence of the Jewish world and
maybe the world as a whole. What does
this word al mean? What what are we
connecting the the children to the
parents? The parents to the children. I
want to give you three. First of all,
the red says number two, the redim.
He says al here means im because the
word al usually means on top of. So what
does that mean here? He said it means
with.
So too the hearts of the sons, the
children with the parents
with their parents. What does this mean?
On the same page, parents with children,
children with parents. So often the
generation gap makes it extremely
difficult for children and parents to
have that close connection. That will be
rectified at the end of days. Malb gives
another number three.
the will bring the whole world back to a
chuv return a return to God maybe return
to the land as well
he said what happens to the children the
children are so often estranged from
Torah the parents are from and the
children are for whatever reason many
reasons distant from their parents
he will return those children back to
their parents
to return to their um heritage to to
return to their religion to return to
their parents
and through doing that the parents will
be reconciled with the children that's
often the story of Jewish history where
children have assimilated and gone off
in their own ways. Rashi brings the
opposite sh the children of Baluva
and they're the ones that have to bring
the parents back. Very interesting. Look
at Rashi.
What is what does what does it mean?
They will return to their father.
It's not the father of the child. They
return to the great father in shamim.
Alabanim. What does it mean?
Alanim through the children. The parents
will be brought back.
The will say to the children
in a way which is loving and showing
willing,
go my children,
go back and speak to your parents who
are less connected than you
and they will then get the parents to
come back to.
It goes in both directions.
Interesting. He he puts this in there.
What's that?
>> A source.
>> He quotes a source. He doesn't normally
quote the source. He like he he likes
the cha either he likes the cha and he
wants to quote the source or he's not
sure about the cha and he says if if you
don't like it it's not mine but probably
the former but he says he goes in both
ways in both directions. Sometimes the
children are connected and the parents
are distant. Sometimes the parents are
connected and the children are distant
and therefore we've seen a few different
theat
gives another number five where he
brings the Mishna in I'm Yeshua
Zach. I have a misra says from the the
bast
all the way back into the distant past
of the msara.
He's not coming to change everybody's
status. Oh, you thought you were Jewish.
Got news for you. You're not Jewish.
He's not going to do that. Or you
thought you were not Jewish, but you're
really Jewish. No. There's a lot of
people out there who might be surprised
but he's not coming to tell them that.
So what's he coming to do?
Is coming to resolve
says
that's what this means.
Well, who are the fathers?
They are the rabbisim and the children.
He's going to reconcile the
and they will resolve their issues.
That's by the way why we also call
elyahu aly yahu ha novi and elyahu
hatish they are two different hats that
he wears certainly according to the ram
elyawa novi is the novi who will resolve
issues of facts questions of for example
in if you find
and you're not able to get it back to
the person who it belongs to there is a
it should be left aside put aside until
ala comes when ala comes comes you'll
get it out of the cupboard and you'll
say, "You know something? Perhaps you
could just tell me who this belongs to
because I've tried to find them and I
can't find them." That's a question of
facts. And by the way, the post can
bring down that if it's uh if the
thing's wearing out or it's going to get
lost. So then you make a note in a book
that you know will be given to your
grandchildren and to their
grandchildren, some family heirloom, you
make a note of the details found one
whatever it is, you know, this that and
the other in such and such a place worth
such and such an amount. And then even
if you don't get to meet Ela, your
great-grandchildren will get to meet
Elao and he'll say they'll say, "Oh, you
know something? I've been waiting for
this conversation." But there's also
tish. The word tu in the garra is
sometimes connected with the expression.
The tishi will answer questions of and
that's the hat that he's wearing here.
Elahishi is the is the rav not the
prophet. Don't forget the ram has a very
clear separation of powers. He says if a
prophet answers questions of halaka
using his or her prophecy hat they are a
navish sheer they have to be put to
death because the prophet is not allowed
to be also a postk using their prophecy
they have to take off their prophet hat
put on the post hat etc. So we see lots
of different ways in which the fathers,
the parents and the children are
reconnected. Um and and the reason for
this, the reason that this is at the
root of the final prophecy, God, please
God, we let this happen is because it's
so hard. It's such a source of pain to
so many families over the generations.
And in fact, the Gomorrah touches on
this in number six.
The easiest of easy mitzvah is connected
with the hardest of the hardest mitzvah.
What's the easiest of all mitzvah?
Pushing away the mother bird. How how
easy is that? All you need to do is
flick your hand. How easy for a mitzvah
to just flick your hand and the mother
bird goes away. That's
but the hardest of all difficult mitzvah
that's that's connection with parents
but for both of them it says
you will have life in the world to come.
So let's look at the aim and see why
this is such a difficult mitzvah why
it's caused so much concern over the
years. So first of all I want to get
into the hashkafat of the mitzvah. There
are three points in the mitzvah that I
want to bring out which are often
confused and which is some of the
reasons why this can go wrong. There are
many reasons why it goes wrong but these
hashkafas are important. Let's look at
first of all number seven. This is the
first hashkafic point.
Let's bring the safet.
The roots of this mitzvah
that your parents are parents they
brought you into this world and they did
so much for you. The least we can do is
recognize that.
Don't be such an ingrate, a low life and
be a stranger
and deny that good that the parents did.
This is a terrible thing to be such a
such a an ungrateful person.
And not just in the eyes of God, but in
the eyes of humans morally, ethically,
this is something which a person must
not be.
And he says specifically, think about
the following.
Maybe a person will look at their
parents and think they're not very good
parents. Maybe they're not very nice
people. And we'll talk about that more
in a minute. But at the end of the day,
they gave us life. That without without
them, we just wouldn't exist. And for
most of us, we prefer to exist than to
not exist. And therefore, we owe them
that at the very least.
How how where do you set the line on
what you give to someone who gave you
life itself?
and anything you can possibly do.
They brought you into the world.
And think what they did for you when you
were a baby. Yeah, we all remember what
our parents said to us when we were
teenagers or but we don't remember all
the diapers that they changed and all
the nights that they never slept, etc.
Well, but if you have your own children,
then you uh you know, you get a little
bit of a feel for that. But we don't
remember all of that. And here's the
key.
And when you get this clear in your head
and that's how you treat your parents,
it brings you to connection with God.
That's the ultimate goal here. It's not
the aim is not just the parents. The
parents represent the ones that brought
you into the world and they represent
God. The parents are the representation
the represent the rep representatives of
okay
because he is the reason for our
existence.
And all our fathers go back and back and
back and back to the very first human
being.
And every day we wake up in the morning
and we have air to breathe. We have
limbs that work.
And we thank God for the ability that we
have, whatever abilities we have.
And he gave us a mind. Thank God we're
human beings
because without the the mind that God
gave us we might have been a horse
we might have been a donkey.
I mean some people do give the
impression that they actually are like
that but that's just an impression you
know before we even say in the morning
we should say
I mean not really please don't make that
tomorrow because think of all the things
we might have been and we're not okay
put in your mind he says
how much do you owe God as a as a as a
recognition of this reality of being
alive he says parents are a mshel if you
like for that. Okay, you don't think
your parents did the best job? Yeah, but
use them as a step to get to how God
runs the world. That's the first maka
point that it's not really about the
parents. And that's probably why
is on the cusp is the link between the
bay mitzvah of the first side of the lot
all of the between people and God and
the mitzvah on the second side is the
bridge because that that is has both of
these important aspects. That's point
number one. Point number two often
forgotten is that there are two
different at least two different types
of one isim and one is mishbatim. And if
we look at number eight, the story of
Mara, I'll skip straight to the end. If
you know the story, they got to Mara,
there was no water. The water was bitter
and Moshid throws a tree. Of course, the
tree is obviously a mush for the tree of
life. Torah, etc. will make the water
sweet. What happens at the end of that?
It says at the end
there, God gave Moshe a and a what is
the difference between a and a mishb? So
look at the number nine.
The classic example of a isab
and now we're often sort of uh put into
this way of thinking that are laws that
we don't understand and are laws that we
do understand. That's sort of ingrained
in our minds from when we're children.
But that's not the only way to
understand. And if I'd have asked you,
pick the ultimate, you probably wouldn't
have said Shabbat.
>> You would have thought Shabbat. Shabbat
is I I get a lot of Shabbat. It makes so
much sense. So clearly that's not the
only definition we're working with. So
what does this mean? So says the number
10.
Why is our relationship with our parents
called a mishbat?
Says, we've said this before. We talked
about this.
The question is how much do you need?
How much do you need? A is a bunch of
rules. It's a list of rules. You learn
the rules, you do it. Some of them are
detailed and complicated, but at the end
of the day, one sizefits-all. Shabbat is
Shabbat. Whether you live in the 12th
century, okay, the technology might
change, but bor is bor whether you're
living in 3rd century Yemen or 21st
century Los Angeles, it's the same. You
could get the ram to come here to uh
beta and give a course in Shabbat. He'd
need a bit of a, you know, an update on
what's a microwave and what's a this and
what's a that, but he'd pick it up
pretty pretty quickly and and the the
and it would be great
is the opposite of that. A mishbat is a
where there are rules. Yes, there are
laws, but you need to have
you need to apply them. You need to
think, how does this relate to my
parents? It's not some kind of list of
objective do this and do this and you'll
be great. Uh, a story that I heard from
one of my Russia yeshiva um young man
becomes a balcha very quickly what they
call FFT from from Tuesday. Yeah, Monday
was not from Tuesday from Okay. And he
does the whole thing. He jumps in. and
he's wearing the the clothes and the and
he doesn't know anything at all, but
he's does all everything. And of course,
his parents think he's crazy. He's he
looks weird. He talks to himself when he
goes to the bathroom. He has strings
coming out of his uh trousers. So, so
his parents think he's crazy. So, he's
very upset that this newfound religion,
this is a true story, is estranging him
from his parents. So, he asks his uh
friends and yeshiva, rasha, what can I
do? They
what's that? Because look, it's a whole
book. Books on the shelf learn
respecting your parents. He goes, "Oh,
this is great." And he reads them and he
thinks, "Wow, I'm going to do this for
my parents." And then my parents are
going to know how true Torah is cuz
their friends who don't have kids who
are ballet. Ah, the kids treat them
however they treat them. But I'm going
to treat my parents like a Torah Jew
treats his parents. And then they'll
know the Torah is true. So what does
this kid do? He goes back to America to
his secular American parents. and he
read in a book, you have to speak
respectfully. So he goes, okay, I'm
going to do that. And he says, the most
respectful way to speak is in the third
person.
So he says, great, I'm going to do that.
So he goes home, he says, would mother
like to sit down. Would father like a
cup of coffee? And his parents are
looking at him saying that you're
talking to us like a What's wrong
with you? What's wrong with you're
bringing us into this stupid like
nonsense? And he runs crying to the
rashiva. What went wrong? I just did the
hala. And he says, "Yeah, that's what
went wrong. You readil
as if it was Shabas or Hilas rules to
apply. It's not true. Parents and
children are different. Every parent
child relationship is different. Parent
children in 2026 is so different from
parent children in 1126.
You wouldn't allow people from the from
the medieval period to speak about
children and parents. It's a different
world. Certainly husbands and wives. I
mean, that's even more so. Can you
imagine bringing in the Rambam to speak
about the laws of what is a Jewish
marriage? You wouldn't you wouldn't
allow him to stand up. Oh, you have four
wives and one of them is 12 and one of
them is 15 and one of them like no no
yeah but there's no it's very much
changed and therefore a mishb is a
mishbat and that's the most important
second point which is that a person must
never just treat their parents as if
they are their fantasy parents. Oh, I
wish my father was, I don't know, uh,
Ravilash and my mother was
misrai. I don't know, whatever. Your
parents are your parents. You can't
treat them any differently. How do they
want to be respected? How do they expect
to be spoken to? And you have to have
that level of says the moral. That's the
second point. And that get people do
this wrong a lot. Number 11. The third
point is perhaps even more interesting
story from the USI. Two stories. The
first story is always taught in and
primary schools, elementary schools. The
second story is never taught, but
they're together in the garrael.
Rabiaran's mother
Shabbat. She went for a walk in the in
the in the yard on Shabbat. And the the
piece of information you need to know is
her shoe broke. Her sandal fell apart.
So, she's standing there, old Mrs.
Rabbit Taffen's mother, with one foot
like in the air, not wanting to put her
feet on the mud.
goes out the
he puts his hands under her feet. Okay.
And she walks that on his hands all the
way till she can get back to the couch.
Beautiful. She doesn't get her feet
dirty. Now
it happened later on that he got sick
and the came to visit him. And so she
said to the rabbis, the mother, proud
motherf
is the A1 superstar at please d for him.
So they said to her, what did he do?
That's so amazing. So Vital, she she
told him the story. Can you believe it?
I walked on his hands across the garden.
They said to her to say to her,
I love him. Even if he were to do a
million times more than that,
he didn't even reach half of what he
needs to do for you. They weren't trying
to put him down. They were trying to
tell her what he does is what you need.
If that's what you need, that's what he
has to do. That's what Kiba is. He needs
to be responsive to your needs. And
therefore, that's rebar. Everybody heard
that story. But then the next story is a
little bit more a little bit stranger.
Three lines from the bottom of layer 11
is another mother the mother of the
rashisha
Ishmael.
Okay. She came to visit the yeshiva. She
she came to the uh to the rabbis
and she said to them,
"Could you please critique my son
because he doesn't treat me right."
Okay. a little bit unfiltered but
sometimes older people are a little bit
unfiltered. So they say to her, she says
to them, "He doesn't treat me right."
But at that moment
they went pale. They didn't know what to
do. The Shiva's mother is saying that he
doesn't treat her right. They said,
"Is it possible is not treating his
parents properly?"
They said to her, "What's your problem?
What does he what does he do that's not
good?" So Amrad she says to them
when he comes back to visit me at night
from the betat he's been in the yeshiva
my son the rash yesa I'm so proud of him
I want to wash his feet
mayhem and drink the dirty feet water
that I just washed his feet with the
shav and he won't let me now why does
she want to wash his feet and drink the
water because she's a bit strange that's
why okay she's very proud of him, but
this is not normal behavior. And he says
to her, "Look, mom, I know you're very
proud of me, your sons of Rashiva, but
I'm just not letting you drink the dirty
feet water. It's not happening. It's
just weird." Okay.
The rabbi said to Rabi Ishmael,
if this is what she wants,
this is the way to honor her. Yes, she's
weird, but no harm done. She's not going
to get sick from it. It's just okay. You
wouldn't do that with with your
children. But fine, that's what she's
your mother. Let her do that. Now, this
why is this story brought? Because many
people, especially teenagers, young
people, think their parents are really
weird, really strange. Okay? And you
give them cheer him on a say, "No,
Rabbi, if you met my parents, you you
wouldn't you wouldn't believe what I
need to deal with." Okay? And this story
is there to tell you if you think your
mother strange, there can't be a strange
as Rabbi Ismael's mother who wants to do
to drink the dirty feet water and say if
this is what she wants, this is what she
gets. Therefore the um the third point
there is that you give them covered
according to what they need even if it's
a bit strange. Now there are lines there
are limits and we'll look at those
limits as we go through this year but
those three points are very important.
Okay, let's do the next bit quite
quickly. The structure of the mitzvah is
well known. There are twoim number 12
to give. Now kavad is from the word
caved. Kavd means heavy. And therefore
we'll understand the kavad doesn't mean
respect. It means to look after them.
It's to carry the burden of of what it
means to care for them. So there it says
to give kav to your father and mother.
And in 13 it says immo
and to give which is more the respect to
your mother and father. Why does it
reverse the order? Top of page three,
when the when the mish when the when the
gives a list and an order of things,
that is the pecking order, says the
first has to come first
and that's why he now says
and it reverses it to teach you what
not to give preference to your father
over your mother or your mother over
your father. It purposely lists them in
the two mitzvah in in the opposite
orders to tell you that there is no
priority. Both of them need to be looked
after. Now, sometimes there has to be
some kind of priority, but it can't be
because one is the father and one is the
mother. It has to be because of
something else that they need based on
their needs and it can't be based on who
they are. And similarly, the mitzvah is
incumbent equally on the sons and the
daughters. Look in number 15 says the
men and women are equally obligated in
this mitzvah of respect and care for
their parents.
But he says the reality of marriage is
such that women are sometimes certainly
in his times and still to this day to
some degree restricted in what they can
do for their parents because they're now
living with their husband. They may be
at the other side of the world. They may
be away.
She is in a position of connection to
her husband where she owes him certain
responsibilities too.
Therefore, she's exempted from at least
certain aspects of aim because of the
conflict. Given a conflict between the
parents and the husband, the husband
comes first.
If she becomes single again, she's
widowed or god forbid divorced. Then it
all comes back. Now this is true of
course today and my my um mentors and uh
and guides have told me this not just of
women's relationships to their husbands
but men's relationships to their wives.
Meaning the point that's being brought
out here is given a clash between what
your spouse needs and what your parents
needs the the spouse has to have
priority. And there are cases indeed
where which the husband would like to be
able to do things for his parents and
the spouse says look you know I I I
understand that but we need you I need
you to do this we need you to do that
and that has to be a very strong
priority so the spouse comes first also
what if the parents you don't think the
parents deserve it and this opens up a
really interesting sug here painful one
as well. Looking in the number 16,
even if the father was a Russia and did
a
still have to do the mitzvah of and the
remach comes in and says,
but if they're really and truly a Russ,
you do not have to do the mitzvah
unless they repent and change. Now this
raises two interesting questions. Who is
a Russia? Okay, that's the first
question. Um and uh the two the two
points on that that I want to bring up
are first of all many people today have
parents who are not religiously
observant and the postkim deal with this
at great length and they say to a man
that that's not called a rasher somebody
who has no background had no education
uh in hala they may be a tinino
shinishbah meaning they never got the
opportunity as a child to learn about
what it means to be Jewish maybe they
know of course they know they're Jewish
they know that they're surrounded by
Jewish people but they don't have the
midst they don't have the educ education
in ter mitzvah that for sure is not a
Russia god forbid and therefore a person
has a full obligation to their parents
even if their parents are not observant
that's clear the more difficult question
is if what if the parents are abusive
and abusive is of course many different
things and many therapists have to deal
with this issue where there are children
who are uh very tragically put into
positions by parents who have abused
them in different ways verbally
emotionally physically sexually god
forbid um what is their obligation to
their parents and it's pretty clear as
well on this that uh they do not have
any responsibility at all to be abused.
They need to get themselves out of that
position as soon as they can because
that parent is a Russia in this sense
meaning they should know better and they
do know better. Maybe the parent also
has a history and maybe the parent was
also abused as a child and there's a
strong you know chain of that but that's
not the point. The point is that this
child who is being sub subject to this
completely unacceptable behavior, they
do not have an obligation in that sense
to stand there and take it, god forbid.
They need to be removed from it. And
that will manifest in a million
different ways. And no two cases are the
same. No two parents are the same. No
two kinds of abuse are the same. And uh
and certainly therapists who are from
who've taken revid Cohen has spoken
about this on many occasions that the
therapists have to in get the children
to talk about what happened. That's not
lash and horror because it's for therapy
for the child. It's not there to harm
the parents. It's there to heal the
child and then to be able to remove them
from any harm. Yes.
>> Is there any for?
>> No. No. People love who they love. Uh
you have a mitzvah
to everybody. Okay. Uh uh some people
will obviously the people that you tend
to have the closest relationship with
are the people that you have the most
emotional baggage with and it goes in
both directions. There's no specific
mitzvah to love your husband or to love
your wife. That's the mitzvah.
So most people will love their parents.
But it's uh it's no broader in that
sense than which itself is very broad.
Okay. Fine. So uh we could give a whole
shar on the issue of uh of child abuse,
god forbid, but it's very important to
understand that the child is not
expected and should not be receiving
when they do when they could be removed
from that. Now let's talk about what the
uh two mitzvah are. Very interesting
points to make here. Number 17. What
does it mean to have respect for your
parents?
Don't stand in their place.
Let's say your father is a judge or your
mother respected person. They have a
certain place where they stand to
lecture whatever. You can't stand there.
You can't be in your parents' place. Or
a parent's place where they dav in shul.
If it's your father or mother's place,
you can't be in that place. Of course in
all of these the parents can give and
are are are encouraged to give but
without that you can't do that.
If your parents have a specific chair,
doesn't mean they have to have one, but
let's say they do. They the child can't
sit in that chair.
The child can't be contradictory and
contradict the parent
and he can't agree with the parent in
front of him
even to say
my father is right. What's going on
here? This is where the comes in.
Because if people treat that likeim,
they'll say, well, I don't know what
does this mean. You can't agree with
your parents. No, the point is that
there are cases when disagreeing with
your parents is and there are cases when
it's fine. Use your if you're having a
discussion about who knows what politics
this and and and the parents expect a
robust conversation with the children
then they want the children to express
their opinions. Disagreeing is in apbic
way. Even agreeing can be the parent the
father's having an argument with someone
and the child walks in and says listen
my father's right. That's the end of the
story. Oh no, now you've said uh
everything's fine. Now you've walked in.
No, that's a Who do you think you are to
be saying that your parents are right in
a way that as if you are the Maka, you
are making the final call. That can also
be a of course to say your parents are
right on many other things is not.
There's a context.
You can't call them by their first name.
Not when they're alive and not after
they pass away.
But you have to say abba mori. Now the
question of course is what do you do if
your parents are you know 70s children
and they say I insist you call us Bob
and Sheila uh because mom and dad is uh
repressive and you know uh colonial or
who know whoever knows what they think
it is. And your parents want to you to
call them Bob and Sheila. And what's
even more your mom's called Bob and your
dad's called Sheila. Yeah. Um and and
you know it's this this is the this is
the reality that we live in in the world
we live in. So the answer is you can't
you can't disrespect your parents by
doing the laws of kib aim. You have to
you have to tell them look you know it
puts me in a difficult position. I don't
feel comfortable doing this but this is
what you really really want then okay
this is what you really really want.
Then the Gomorrah goes,
"What if your dad or mom, but here it
says dad, it's always the same either
way has a name that other people have.
You have to change your friend's name.
If it's a weird name,
your friend is your dad's called Colonus
and you have a friend called Colonomous.
So you can't call your friend colonomous
because if you say the word colonomous
then people say who's talking about his
dad. I mean who else is called that and
they don't realize the friend is is the
one they you have to call your friend
something else. I mean Calman the word
calman is from colonomous. So that's
interesting. But if he has a normal name
boy but a name people are used to
hearing Mosha. Your dad's called Moshe
and your friend's called Moshe. So
there's no such thing as you can't say
Moshe because if you say Moshe no one's
going to think he's talking about his
dad unless your dad's there. Shalom fun
of because if your father's present and
you shout out Moshe then maybe people
know your dad will turn around who's
shouting Moshe and it's like you're
calling me Moshe. So that's the brought
down. Yes.
>> Is the same apply to in-laws?
>> No. We'll see in-laws later. We'll see
in-laws is a different
of of covered but not ya. And therefore
in-laws whatever they want you to call
them is 100% fine. With in-laws it's
very difficult. I know many people,
myself included, who never quite worked
out what to call their in-laws. And and
you're grateful when the children are
born, you can call them Sabah or grandpa
or Za because now I don't know, you
know, I'm I'm out of that problem. So I
have that problem. So uh yes, I just
want to say
yes.
>> And a former neighbor of ours,
his father was the was one of the
signers of the Declaration of
Independence.
>> Okay. and his name was Zar Zerft.
>> He had an issue when someone would ask
him where do you live? What would you
say? I'm called Zerak. So he actually
came up with another piece.
>> That's interesting. Interesting. Okay.
And that's the name Zerak which is a
very unusual name which is why because
if you were if you were you know on I
don't know Moshin Pipek Street then you
wouldn't care because everyone's called
Mosh. Let me just go on for a little
bit. Number 18.
So they had
how far does this mitzvah really go? So
he said
look at the story this famous story of
this non-Jew living in Ashcolon
called big
a very famous story number 18 the wanted
to buy a stone he had a gem stone that
he needed for the aphod and they were
prepared to pay him 60 600,000 gold
coins
maybe it was 800,000 gold coins the
and the key to the safe where he kept
the the uh the gem was under his parents
under his father's head and he was
sleeping the light zero and he wouldn't
wake him up. He wouldn't wake him up and
he didn't get the money because he
wouldn't wake him up.
God gave him a reward the next year.
He had a paradma in his in his feet in
his flock in his herd.
and went about the and he said to them
very straight guy
I know you you rabbis
you'll pay anything for a it's so
precious
I'm only going to get the money I'm only
going to ask for the money that I lost
because I didn't wake up my father
just as a non Jew who has no mitzvah
from the Torah. This is what they get.
A Jew who has the mitzvah.
Now what are we learning? Why are we
learning mitzvah from non-Jews in
Ashkalon? It's a very strange thing. So
some of the connected to because the one
mitzvah, this was Edom, he was Roman.
The one mitzvah that Asav really did
well was kib. But also, you know, do we
learn from this? Let me ask you a
question. Let's say uh somebody comes to
the door and says uh to the kid, the kid
answers the door said, "Oh, you your
your father's won the lottery." Oh, wow.
He just needs to sign on this form and
he'll get $5 million. Oh, no. My
father's asleep. I'm really sorry. You
know, I know. So, wake him up. No, no,
keep it. A can't wake up your parents.
So, after the father wakes up, you say,
"Lucky, it's a shame because you were
sleeping because the guy came with $5
million and and now he said he going to
give it to the next person." I mean,
someone's going to do that. The parents
going to beat the guy up. Of course you
want to. You have to wake me up again.
You have to use your
know and I'm not even sure that Dama
Benosina had any
in this sense. So, we're not learning
technical. We're learning, you know, to
the extent that your parents really
don't want this something to happen, you
have to be aware of that. And then we
learn another interesting of this uh
this particular man Dama Benosina and
his mother, not just his father.
where came he told us in he's from
Israel
this was a Roman official he was wearing
his beautiful clothes
and he was sitting with the you know the
Senate with all the Roman great
and his mother came along
she ripped his clothes off
she smacked him on the head
she spat in his
He didn't say anything to her.
Why did she do this?
Says
because she she was uh she had dementia.
She didn't know what she was doing and
this was her mat and he didn't say
anything. This is a very important point
because the mother was sick at this
point and of course what are you going
to do to her? She's sick. It's nebak.
But if the mother was not sick and this
is how she behaves, then who says you
have to stand there and take this from a
parent? Yes.
>> So why should you use your $5 million
but not in this situation?
>> No, he did use his meaning meaning what
would you do if
>> his mother if she was okay want to do
this?
>> I don't know. That's a good question.
But what's he going to do? That's a good
question how how this works. But the
point that is making is that this is a
person who is sick. This is not a normal
case and the sharak is going to bring
here. What does one do in a situation
where parents are uh have Alzheimer's
dementia to the point that it's very
very painful to be with them because
they're not themselves? This is a very
common occurrence. We'll see the talks
about this. But either way, it's not
clear what we're learning from this case
of Dham. But but there is apparently if
it really requires it extreme cases that
if the father really doesn't want to be
woken up, then there's nothing that you
can do. That's that's the issue of okay
brings it down number 19
and he brings that down. I'm not getting
more into this. Now there are more ads
that if you're using your parents' name
you can just add a mister or a Mrs. or
whatever they are or my father and that
makes it fine. People calling up in the
business to speak to their father they
don't call up and say hi can I speak to
John because you know that's your
father's name. So can I speak to my
father John or whatever. Um who was
blind? The number 21
when he heard his mother's footsteps
coming towards him he said
my mother is the I'm getting up in front
of the and that is extremely important.
Like I said at the beginning when I said
that in the world of cabala the parent
child relationship is very important.
This is actually not just a an
exaggeration. He thinks his mother's the
shina. No, on a certain level um theina
represents everybody's mother. It's a
relationship with theina with Malus
relationship with Bina as an even higher
mother and therefore he treats his own
mother as an extension if you like of
this is exactly the point that the was
making at the very beginning. And
therefore there is a mitzvah to to get
up in front of parents. But again with
number 22
You have to get up in front of your
parents.
But what if the father is the and the
son is the ravi?
Then everyone has to get each one has to
get up in front of the other. Now this
obviously brings you into a slightly
awkward situation because what are you
going to do? He wants to get up in front
of him. He wants to get in front of him.
And the rema I didn't bring it on the
sheet. I should have brought it down.
there are more brings down and in that
situation maybe the best thing you can
do is not live too close to your parents
because because you're going to get into
this trouble because the Rav wants to
stand up for the son who's the father
rather wants to stand up for the son
who's a rabbi and the rabbi wants to
stand up for his father who's an amar
whatever and then he says and this is
the story of the maam of rottenber it's
interesting he doesn't give historical
tidbits in the shuk very often but the
rama adds and this is what happened when
the maram of rottenberg was appointed ed
to the Rav. So he made sure that he
lived in a different town from his
father because he didn't want to have a
situation where he was getting up for
him and he was getting up for him and
which is actually interesting because
you might have said well really I mean
your father now lives in another town.
So uh you have to just bear this in mind
it obviously worked well for them etc.
There is an interesting question, by the
way, in the Kumsh. Why is Yseph not in
touch with his father? All the time that
he's living in Egypt, he's been waiting
to see his father. His father's now
there. And when the father's sick,
someone has to come and tell him. They
have to get a, you know, a shalia to
say, "Your father's sick." Well, he
doesn't know his father's sick. He never
goes to visit. And the Mafroim all want
to talk about this and give different
ideas. One of the ideas being he didn't
want to get into difficult conversations
with him about what happened and how did
you get to Egypt. But there are other
there are other ways to understand that.
That's not for now. So that's yera.
That's respect. Not not not not calling
them by their name. Uh not contradicting
them. Standing up. And again standing up
has to be done with seikhel. You know
you can't have someone if the parents
are going to think it's weird. They
stand up to attention in the morning.
You know when they when they get up it
has to be done in a way that looks
holistic who looks joined up doesn't
look strange but the person has to get
up at least in the morning in the
evening whatever for their parents.
Fine. What about covered? And this is
where we're going to get into a very
interesting question which is where is
the line between respecting parents and
personal autonomy. What if my parents
ask me to do things which I I really
find very very difficult and painful and
personal. So we'll see what that means
right now. Is it covered? Says the shar
23. Okay. So y is respect. What is
covered? That is care. As I said bearing
the burden of caring for parents making
sure they have food. Mash making sure
they have to drink to have clothes to
have bed linen. Whatever they need, you
bring them in the house. You take them
out, you take them to the hospital, you
take them to the doctor, you take them
to wherever they're going.
And that's all very well. And this is
the hard part.
And you have to do it with a smile.
you know, schleing around for parents is
not as hard as doing it and uh not
getting grumpy because it's often, you
know, parents are often unreasonable. Uh
and uh that's that's the hard point and
that's that it it expresses this one of
the reasons why it's the hardest mitzvah
because there has to be a save up in
situations which are often difficult. 24
I brought down the I mentioned if the
parent has dementia to the point that
the child can no longer look after them.
So the child's obligation is not to
necessarily personally look after them,
but to make sure that they are looked
after. And this is very difficult often
when people are living across the other
side of the world from parents. I had a
conversation yesterday with somebody
whose mother's unfortunately very sick
and and this student has a life in
Israel and the question is do they leave
Israel for a year for two years? How how
long it takes to care for the parents?
They made a whole life for themselves
here. But these are very difficult
situations. It's not always easy to just
get up and run. And people has to
definitely bear this in mind which I
therefore want to get into this central
question which is where do we draw the
line. So let's look at this night now.
Look at 26. The has a question.
Didn't we say that what they want is
what they get. If you have a slightly
strange mother that wants to drink the
dirty feed water, you have to let her do
that.
But what happens if the father wants
certain behavior from the son and the
parents are upset?
He's marrying a woman that the parents
don't like. Has that ever happened? Has
happened. Okay.
Why do we pass and we do that the person
can marry this woman. He's in love with
this woman. They're a good sh for each
other. And even if the parents are
crying themselves to sleep every night,
I can't believe that he married that
girl or she married that guy, there he's
allowed to do that. Why is that okay?
Why is that not included in the
obligation not to disrespect your
parents?
You're not allowed to contradict them.
Your father says yes, you said no,
that's wrong. Oh, that's a Torah
prohibition. But your father doesn't
want you to marry a woman and you say,
"I'm sorry, Dad. She's the, you know,
woman we're going to marry." And for for
years and years your parents are in
terrible emotional pain that you're
allowed to do. Yes, that you are allowed
to do. Why? Why is that okay? So says
the Gammor number 27. And here's the
answer. Boy, they asked the question
Michelle me who has to pay who has to
pay for the covered covered meaning the
care home the the the carer the the
money that it takes to look after the
parent. Michelle me Rabuda Michelle Ben.
It's the child's mitzvah.
Michelle of No, it's the parents money
that goes into it. Meaning, what if the
parents are millionaires and they say to
the child, "Okay, you know, I need to be
looked after. I need to go into a care
facility. It's going to cost $20,000 a
month. Uh, but we're giving all our
money to uh betas
for a new uh, you know, roof extension
or whatever, and we're going to give
that money away. We expect you to pay
for this because it's your mitzvah." So
what's the child going to say? So one
view says, "Yep, you're right. It's the
child's mitzvah. They're going to have
to make it work." And the other view is,
"No, you've got money. You need a carer.
Your money has to pay. It's not my
money. It's my mitzvah, but it's your
money." So who do we pas like
the the rabbi pasmia?
One got into this son commander
Michelle.
It's the parents money. the parents
money pays.
Don't we have a problem with this?
Doesn't it say
you have to give to your parents look
after them? It says
you have to give cover to Hashem with
your money
just as giving Hashem covered with money
costs you money.
Why is parents looking after parents any
different? It should cost you money.
If you say you're using the father's
money, the parents money,
what are you giving? What are you
giving? If your parents are giving the
money, says the
you're giving time. You're putting time
in time that you might have been doing
this, time that you might have been
doing that, you don't have to use your
bank account savings to pay for the care
home, but you have to give up the time
and the opportunity cost of other
things. Okay? And that is the look in
the Rambam 28.
What is looking after the parents says
the Rambamish
Michelle
from the parents money that's the that's
easy in conceptually but how are we
going to apply that to
meaning my obligation to respect my
parents wishes is that Michelle A or
Michelle Ben now there we're not talking
about money it's not just a dollars and
cents issue it's not paying a bill it's
my parents expect this behavior Yeah,
but it's going to actually cost me in
some kind of significant way. Have a
look at what this says in 29. Um the
brings down that it's the parents money
for and then in he says as follows 29
second line
how far does it go
if the parents either steal the son's
money in front of them and throw it
and throw the son's money into the sea.
You're not you're not allowed to upset
them. You can't get angry in front of
them. You can't be irritated with them.
You have to take it. They they pulled
your money. The threaded in the sea says
the by the way also like this not like
the
says no no no no there is a limit.
There is a view as I say by all the
that if they're trying to throw your
money away
you can stop them you can say no this
sorry you can't take that
because your obligation of looking after
them is with their money
and there's no difference between
both mitzvah are done says
with quote unquote their money. Meaning
they may ask you to do something which
is irritating. Okay, you do it. They're
your parents. You think it's weird, so
you do it. Your mother buys you a
sweater and you think it looks terrible.
When your mother comes around, she likes
you to wear it, so you wear it. What
difference does it make? But your
parents ask you to do something which
crosses the line. You need to marry this
man. You need to marry this woman. No,
no, no, no, no. We're not talking about
a sweater that I don't like. We're
talking about my whole life. I'm giving
away my whole life because of what you
want for me. you you you can't do that.
That's not called Michelle A. That's
called Michelle Ben. And therefore, he
gives a few examples. We'll see in a
minute.
It's only before they throw your money
in the sea.
You could stop them
if they've already thrown your money
into the sea. Well, what can you do?
You can't get angry with them.
You could take them to bin. You know,
your parents want to go joy riding in
your new car. You know, that's not okay.
And that's only if they want to throw
his money into the sea.
If they want to take away his potential
profits that he has to give up and by
the way they can throw their own money
into the sea. You know that your parents
have got millions and billions and you
think well you know I may have esim but
that's going to come in very handy. And
your parents say no actually we're going
to go for the rest of the next 20 years
on what they call ski holidays. Yeah.
Spending the kids' inheritance. Okay.
Ski holidays. So yeah, the answer is
it's your money. Okay, it's your money.
You can do what you like with your
money. You know, you can't steal the
kids money, but you can do what you like
with your own money. And therefore, this
is applied in many different scenarios.
Look at the Yseph 30ist.
He's asking a Shila. He's answering a sh
in the 15th century France. You had a
question.
Can the father stop the child from
marrying who the child wants to marry?
meaning if the woman is or the man is a
is a suitable spouse meaning it's just
the parents problem but there's nothing
wrong with this person the parents have
a hangup they say yeah we're kidish you
can only marry but this is a beautiful
young man beautiful young woman fine
midas but they're just not kidish or we
won't we won't let you marry someone who
is modern orded or whatever so the
parents don't have a right to say that
but if the guy if the person you're
trying to marry is objectively
ridiculous you met a guy on death row in
Texas, you know, and and you any
correspondence and you say, "Look, he's
very misunderstood and and and and there
are reasons why he killed his first wife
and and and and like he's really a
sweetheart." Okay. So So then the the
parents the parents obviously can turn
around and say, "You're out of your
mind." Okay. But if there's if there's
no reason why the the is not a good,
the parents can't ask that from the
child. Number one,
even when it comes to money, the care
home costs
the rabbis agreed with to
it's the parents money that's used.
And that's what I've seen in every
plaque. It's the parents money for
cover.
All the more so here when it's not just
money you're giving up,
you're going to marry a person that you
don't have a relationship with.
to leave the woman you love
to have to marry another person.
He's not being a romantic here. He's
saying that you can't give up your
life's happiness because your parents
are not happy. It's their problem. It's
not your problem. You've crossed that
line. They're asking you to give up
something which is too much. It's that's
called Michelle Ben. So too there the
moral rules in 31.
If the ch if the father doesn't want the
child to marry,
he doesn't have to listen to the father.
Another one number 32.
The parents tell the children to do an
aa to break a mitzvah.
The parents say, "Turn on the lights,
please, on Shabas." The child can say,
"No, I'm not breaking Shabas. We're your
parents. Don't disrespect us. No, you
can't take away my olaba. You can't take
away my relationship with her mitzvah.
That's more that's not wearing a a weird
sweater. That's something much more
fundamental. They do not have to listen.
Another interesting example
33. The father commands the child.
We don't speak to that person. Okay. Um
and we don't forgive that person.
The son wants to make shalom. Okay.
Immediately
even though the father says no,
you don't listen to the father. Ah, the
parents say we don't speak to great
uncle.
Why? He looks very nice. Oh, you don't
know what he did in 1955 to your
grandfather. You know, we've all had
those stories. You know, you know the
answer is I'm sorry. You can't command
me to perpetuate Bus. Obviously, you're
not going to run up to great uncle in
front of your parents and kiss him and
hug him. You have to be have but you
can't perpetuate that. That's not okay.
Number 34
trumps 35
who wants to go to a certain place.
They're convinced that they will be
successful in learning
and there's a great yeshiva there
and the father says no you can't go.
Why? going. They're worried about them.
There there are dangerous non-Jews
there. There are people who are, you
know, blow up buses and who knows what.
Nevertheless,
he doesn't have to listen to the
parents. Doesn't have to listen to the
parents. And this is time and time
again. You see this young people who
say, "My parents won't let me come to
Israel for a year to learn Torah." They
say, "If you want to learn, go to
Brooklyn. There are yeshivas in
America." The says, "Yeah, but the
yeshiva I need to go to in Israel is is
is it's in Israel to yeshiva." And the
parents say, "I'm sorry, you can't go."
That is not something the son or the
daughter has to listen to. Now, the
parents might turn around and say,
"We're not paying,"
which they every right to say. They have
no hakic obligation to pay for a year of
uh of gap year programming and maybe the
child has to raise money and I've had
those cases as well. But the uh but the
child can nevertheless go. That's very
clear. And we've had situations where
parents say, "You can go to Israel, but
you can't go on the buses. You can only
take a taxi." And you say to the
parents, "Yeah, but the most of the
taxes where I am are Arab taxes. You
prefer to do that or to go on the bus?"
No, the buses are dangerous. Taxes are
fine. The parents are clueless. They
don't really know what's going on. So,
there's the questions as to how far do
you need to do what they say? Are they
paying for the taxes, etc. Just in the
last minute or two, I want you to just
look at a couple of things on the
bottom. You can see this for yourself. I
I put here other relatives.
The ED comes to include the stepparents.
Therefore, there is an obligation of
covered, of looking after stepparents.
Certainly, while the natural parent is
alive. Okay. But that's not one of ya.
It's one of covered. It's a different
responsibility. You can't let them just,
you know, be without what the basic
things they need. And even after their
natural parent has died, there is a a
midter to do that as well. I brought you
the famous sources. Even older siblings
may be included to some degree.
Obviously, it's not the same as parents
and uh in siblings
>> older siblings. Yeah. And in
>> and in older sibling. Well, older
brother. Okay. But I don't know if it's
different with with girls at this
particular point. It's not because
>> Yes. But it doesn't not to the same
degree. It's not the dinner of this a
different it's a different and also
parents-in-law in-laws. We learned that
from Moshe and Israel. There's a dinner
of covered for in-laws. But again, not
ya. There's no there's no that you can't
sit in their place or call them their
name etc. It's covered is when they need
you, when the sibling needs you, you
can't say ah I'm not, you know, they can
look after themsel. No, if they need
them, you have to be there to some
degree. Um, and therefore that's ruled
as well. So hopefully that brings us uh
into a lots of modern day scenarios,
interesting scenarios. And uh we will
move on next week. We have three I think
more sessions maybe four more sessions
before uh tab where we'll break for in
we'll move on to completely new material
but hashem have a wonderful week and
we'll see you then.