Bein Adam Lachavero| Rabbi Anthony Manning | June 24 2026

Morning to all. Welcome. It's good to see you. We uh will be continuing our series that we're doing right now just up until uh looking again maybe in a little bit more depth at some of the big picture bayo issues that we really last covered in detail in 2015 if anyone remembers back that far. Uh so I think they were certainly it's uh it's good to re revisit many of them. I'd like to thank our SP sponsors for um the Wednesday morning program which is dedicated for 2026. As a timely reminder to please turn off your phones as well. uh Leilu Nishm Daniel Benavid and Limudbat Abraham Strauss Morai Ben Mosha and Raisel Bosef May Marcus LRA the parents of Judia Marcus and the year is sponsored for the academic year Ilu Nishmas Brana Bras Brandit and Zelik Ben. Okay. Um, and if I could please encourage you, as I say, to turn off your phones and then we can uh move into the shar. Okay. I'm trying to hit some of the big picture items. Uh, not to get too bogged down in the details, although the details are very interesting, fascinating, and important. Um, I'd like to talk today about the hardest mitzvah of all mitzvah, which is honoring parents and our relationship with parents and children. because uh barak hashem most everybody in the world is a child that's for sure and thank God many people are parents and even if they're not parents they have relationships with the younger generation in different ways um and uh this is central to our relationship with Hashem. We'll see right now the two relationships which most connect with us in life are the horizontal relationship between man and wife and the vertical relationship between parents and children. actually in our spiritual world in the world of cababala. I'm not getting into uh deep cababalistic ideas today, but in the world of cababala these two relationships, the vertical and the horizontal are at the very roots of all of the spiritual potencies that work through the different worlds of and and the connection between parents and children. Maybe the spir the bina and the of abba and ima relationship with the children. and also the the connection the connection between the male and the female uh within that system. So we need to look today at the parent child relationship and and quite how central it is to our understanding of life and indeed of gula. Let's start with that redemption the very signing off of prophecy in the whole what are the last words that we get from Nvim before the finally we become an entirely nonprofit organization how do we how do we do that number one says I am sending you aliyah let's assume that's alahu as wellm before the awesome and great day of God, the end of days. What is his job? The very last in the leotanim the leanim alam he will return the hearts of the children al the parents alanim we have to look at what al means maybe two but we'll see in more detail and the hearts of the children to the parents unless if this is not done the land will be destroyed without this relationship between parents and children. This is this is fundamental to the ongoing um the existence of the Jewish world and maybe the world as a whole. What does this word al mean? What what are we connecting the the children to the parents? The parents to the children. I want to give you three. First of all, the red says number two, the redim. He says al here means im because the word al usually means on top of. So what does that mean here? He said it means with. So too the hearts of the sons, the children with the parents with their parents. What does this mean? On the same page, parents with children, children with parents. So often the generation gap makes it extremely difficult for children and parents to have that close connection. That will be rectified at the end of days. Malb gives another number three. the will bring the whole world back to a chuv return a return to God maybe return to the land as well he said what happens to the children the children are so often estranged from Torah the parents are from and the children are for whatever reason many reasons distant from their parents he will return those children back to their parents to return to their um heritage to to return to their religion to return to their parents and through doing that the parents will be reconciled with the children that's often the story of Jewish history where children have assimilated and gone off in their own ways. Rashi brings the opposite sh the children of Baluva and they're the ones that have to bring the parents back. Very interesting. Look at Rashi. What is what does what does it mean? They will return to their father. It's not the father of the child. They return to the great father in shamim. Alabanim. What does it mean? Alanim through the children. The parents will be brought back. The will say to the children in a way which is loving and showing willing, go my children, go back and speak to your parents who are less connected than you and they will then get the parents to come back to. It goes in both directions. Interesting. He he puts this in there. What's that? >> A source. >> He quotes a source. He doesn't normally quote the source. He like he he likes the cha either he likes the cha and he wants to quote the source or he's not sure about the cha and he says if if you don't like it it's not mine but probably the former but he says he goes in both ways in both directions. Sometimes the children are connected and the parents are distant. Sometimes the parents are connected and the children are distant and therefore we've seen a few different theat gives another number five where he brings the Mishna in I'm Yeshua Zach. I have a misra says from the the bast all the way back into the distant past of the msara. He's not coming to change everybody's status. Oh, you thought you were Jewish. Got news for you. You're not Jewish. He's not going to do that. Or you thought you were not Jewish, but you're really Jewish. No. There's a lot of people out there who might be surprised but he's not coming to tell them that. So what's he coming to do? Is coming to resolve says that's what this means. Well, who are the fathers? They are the rabbisim and the children. He's going to reconcile the and they will resolve their issues. That's by the way why we also call elyahu aly yahu ha novi and elyahu hatish they are two different hats that he wears certainly according to the ram elyawa novi is the novi who will resolve issues of facts questions of for example in if you find and you're not able to get it back to the person who it belongs to there is a it should be left aside put aside until ala comes when ala comes comes you'll get it out of the cupboard and you'll say, "You know something? Perhaps you could just tell me who this belongs to because I've tried to find them and I can't find them." That's a question of facts. And by the way, the post can bring down that if it's uh if the thing's wearing out or it's going to get lost. So then you make a note in a book that you know will be given to your grandchildren and to their grandchildren, some family heirloom, you make a note of the details found one whatever it is, you know, this that and the other in such and such a place worth such and such an amount. And then even if you don't get to meet Ela, your great-grandchildren will get to meet Elao and he'll say they'll say, "Oh, you know something? I've been waiting for this conversation." But there's also tish. The word tu in the garra is sometimes connected with the expression. The tishi will answer questions of and that's the hat that he's wearing here. Elahishi is the is the rav not the prophet. Don't forget the ram has a very clear separation of powers. He says if a prophet answers questions of halaka using his or her prophecy hat they are a navish sheer they have to be put to death because the prophet is not allowed to be also a postk using their prophecy they have to take off their prophet hat put on the post hat etc. So we see lots of different ways in which the fathers, the parents and the children are reconnected. Um and and the reason for this, the reason that this is at the root of the final prophecy, God, please God, we let this happen is because it's so hard. It's such a source of pain to so many families over the generations. And in fact, the Gomorrah touches on this in number six. The easiest of easy mitzvah is connected with the hardest of the hardest mitzvah. What's the easiest of all mitzvah? Pushing away the mother bird. How how easy is that? All you need to do is flick your hand. How easy for a mitzvah to just flick your hand and the mother bird goes away. That's but the hardest of all difficult mitzvah that's that's connection with parents but for both of them it says you will have life in the world to come. So let's look at the aim and see why this is such a difficult mitzvah why it's caused so much concern over the years. So first of all I want to get into the hashkafat of the mitzvah. There are three points in the mitzvah that I want to bring out which are often confused and which is some of the reasons why this can go wrong. There are many reasons why it goes wrong but these hashkafas are important. Let's look at first of all number seven. This is the first hashkafic point. Let's bring the safet. The roots of this mitzvah that your parents are parents they brought you into this world and they did so much for you. The least we can do is recognize that. Don't be such an ingrate, a low life and be a stranger and deny that good that the parents did. This is a terrible thing to be such a such a an ungrateful person. And not just in the eyes of God, but in the eyes of humans morally, ethically, this is something which a person must not be. And he says specifically, think about the following. Maybe a person will look at their parents and think they're not very good parents. Maybe they're not very nice people. And we'll talk about that more in a minute. But at the end of the day, they gave us life. That without without them, we just wouldn't exist. And for most of us, we prefer to exist than to not exist. And therefore, we owe them that at the very least. How how where do you set the line on what you give to someone who gave you life itself? and anything you can possibly do. They brought you into the world. And think what they did for you when you were a baby. Yeah, we all remember what our parents said to us when we were teenagers or but we don't remember all the diapers that they changed and all the nights that they never slept, etc. Well, but if you have your own children, then you uh you know, you get a little bit of a feel for that. But we don't remember all of that. And here's the key. And when you get this clear in your head and that's how you treat your parents, it brings you to connection with God. That's the ultimate goal here. It's not the aim is not just the parents. The parents represent the ones that brought you into the world and they represent God. The parents are the representation the represent the rep representatives of okay because he is the reason for our existence. And all our fathers go back and back and back and back to the very first human being. And every day we wake up in the morning and we have air to breathe. We have limbs that work. And we thank God for the ability that we have, whatever abilities we have. And he gave us a mind. Thank God we're human beings because without the the mind that God gave us we might have been a horse we might have been a donkey. I mean some people do give the impression that they actually are like that but that's just an impression you know before we even say in the morning we should say I mean not really please don't make that tomorrow because think of all the things we might have been and we're not okay put in your mind he says how much do you owe God as a as a as a recognition of this reality of being alive he says parents are a mshel if you like for that. Okay, you don't think your parents did the best job? Yeah, but use them as a step to get to how God runs the world. That's the first maka point that it's not really about the parents. And that's probably why is on the cusp is the link between the bay mitzvah of the first side of the lot all of the between people and God and the mitzvah on the second side is the bridge because that that is has both of these important aspects. That's point number one. Point number two often forgotten is that there are two different at least two different types of one isim and one is mishbatim. And if we look at number eight, the story of Mara, I'll skip straight to the end. If you know the story, they got to Mara, there was no water. The water was bitter and Moshid throws a tree. Of course, the tree is obviously a mush for the tree of life. Torah, etc. will make the water sweet. What happens at the end of that? It says at the end there, God gave Moshe a and a what is the difference between a and a mishb? So look at the number nine. The classic example of a isab and now we're often sort of uh put into this way of thinking that are laws that we don't understand and are laws that we do understand. That's sort of ingrained in our minds from when we're children. But that's not the only way to understand. And if I'd have asked you, pick the ultimate, you probably wouldn't have said Shabbat. >> You would have thought Shabbat. Shabbat is I I get a lot of Shabbat. It makes so much sense. So clearly that's not the only definition we're working with. So what does this mean? So says the number 10. Why is our relationship with our parents called a mishbat? Says, we've said this before. We talked about this. The question is how much do you need? How much do you need? A is a bunch of rules. It's a list of rules. You learn the rules, you do it. Some of them are detailed and complicated, but at the end of the day, one sizefits-all. Shabbat is Shabbat. Whether you live in the 12th century, okay, the technology might change, but bor is bor whether you're living in 3rd century Yemen or 21st century Los Angeles, it's the same. You could get the ram to come here to uh beta and give a course in Shabbat. He'd need a bit of a, you know, an update on what's a microwave and what's a this and what's a that, but he'd pick it up pretty pretty quickly and and the the and it would be great is the opposite of that. A mishbat is a where there are rules. Yes, there are laws, but you need to have you need to apply them. You need to think, how does this relate to my parents? It's not some kind of list of objective do this and do this and you'll be great. Uh, a story that I heard from one of my Russia yeshiva um young man becomes a balcha very quickly what they call FFT from from Tuesday. Yeah, Monday was not from Tuesday from Okay. And he does the whole thing. He jumps in. and he's wearing the the clothes and the and he doesn't know anything at all, but he's does all everything. And of course, his parents think he's crazy. He's he looks weird. He talks to himself when he goes to the bathroom. He has strings coming out of his uh trousers. So, so his parents think he's crazy. So, he's very upset that this newfound religion, this is a true story, is estranging him from his parents. So, he asks his uh friends and yeshiva, rasha, what can I do? They what's that? Because look, it's a whole book. Books on the shelf learn respecting your parents. He goes, "Oh, this is great." And he reads them and he thinks, "Wow, I'm going to do this for my parents." And then my parents are going to know how true Torah is cuz their friends who don't have kids who are ballet. Ah, the kids treat them however they treat them. But I'm going to treat my parents like a Torah Jew treats his parents. And then they'll know the Torah is true. So what does this kid do? He goes back to America to his secular American parents. and he read in a book, you have to speak respectfully. So he goes, okay, I'm going to do that. And he says, the most respectful way to speak is in the third person. So he says, great, I'm going to do that. So he goes home, he says, would mother like to sit down. Would father like a cup of coffee? And his parents are looking at him saying that you're talking to us like a What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you're bringing us into this stupid like nonsense? And he runs crying to the rashiva. What went wrong? I just did the hala. And he says, "Yeah, that's what went wrong. You readil as if it was Shabas or Hilas rules to apply. It's not true. Parents and children are different. Every parent child relationship is different. Parent children in 2026 is so different from parent children in 1126. You wouldn't allow people from the from the medieval period to speak about children and parents. It's a different world. Certainly husbands and wives. I mean, that's even more so. Can you imagine bringing in the Rambam to speak about the laws of what is a Jewish marriage? You wouldn't you wouldn't allow him to stand up. Oh, you have four wives and one of them is 12 and one of them is 15 and one of them like no no yeah but there's no it's very much changed and therefore a mishb is a mishbat and that's the most important second point which is that a person must never just treat their parents as if they are their fantasy parents. Oh, I wish my father was, I don't know, uh, Ravilash and my mother was misrai. I don't know, whatever. Your parents are your parents. You can't treat them any differently. How do they want to be respected? How do they expect to be spoken to? And you have to have that level of says the moral. That's the second point. And that get people do this wrong a lot. Number 11. The third point is perhaps even more interesting story from the USI. Two stories. The first story is always taught in and primary schools, elementary schools. The second story is never taught, but they're together in the garrael. Rabiaran's mother Shabbat. She went for a walk in the in the in the yard on Shabbat. And the the piece of information you need to know is her shoe broke. Her sandal fell apart. So, she's standing there, old Mrs. Rabbit Taffen's mother, with one foot like in the air, not wanting to put her feet on the mud. goes out the he puts his hands under her feet. Okay. And she walks that on his hands all the way till she can get back to the couch. Beautiful. She doesn't get her feet dirty. Now it happened later on that he got sick and the came to visit him. And so she said to the rabbis, the mother, proud motherf is the A1 superstar at please d for him. So they said to her, what did he do? That's so amazing. So Vital, she she told him the story. Can you believe it? I walked on his hands across the garden. They said to her to say to her, I love him. Even if he were to do a million times more than that, he didn't even reach half of what he needs to do for you. They weren't trying to put him down. They were trying to tell her what he does is what you need. If that's what you need, that's what he has to do. That's what Kiba is. He needs to be responsive to your needs. And therefore, that's rebar. Everybody heard that story. But then the next story is a little bit more a little bit stranger. Three lines from the bottom of layer 11 is another mother the mother of the rashisha Ishmael. Okay. She came to visit the yeshiva. She she came to the uh to the rabbis and she said to them, "Could you please critique my son because he doesn't treat me right." Okay. a little bit unfiltered but sometimes older people are a little bit unfiltered. So they say to her, she says to them, "He doesn't treat me right." But at that moment they went pale. They didn't know what to do. The Shiva's mother is saying that he doesn't treat her right. They said, "Is it possible is not treating his parents properly?" They said to her, "What's your problem? What does he what does he do that's not good?" So Amrad she says to them when he comes back to visit me at night from the betat he's been in the yeshiva my son the rash yesa I'm so proud of him I want to wash his feet mayhem and drink the dirty feet water that I just washed his feet with the shav and he won't let me now why does she want to wash his feet and drink the water because she's a bit strange that's why okay she's very proud of him, but this is not normal behavior. And he says to her, "Look, mom, I know you're very proud of me, your sons of Rashiva, but I'm just not letting you drink the dirty feet water. It's not happening. It's just weird." Okay. The rabbi said to Rabi Ishmael, if this is what she wants, this is the way to honor her. Yes, she's weird, but no harm done. She's not going to get sick from it. It's just okay. You wouldn't do that with with your children. But fine, that's what she's your mother. Let her do that. Now, this why is this story brought? Because many people, especially teenagers, young people, think their parents are really weird, really strange. Okay? And you give them cheer him on a say, "No, Rabbi, if you met my parents, you you wouldn't you wouldn't believe what I need to deal with." Okay? And this story is there to tell you if you think your mother strange, there can't be a strange as Rabbi Ismael's mother who wants to do to drink the dirty feet water and say if this is what she wants, this is what she gets. Therefore the um the third point there is that you give them covered according to what they need even if it's a bit strange. Now there are lines there are limits and we'll look at those limits as we go through this year but those three points are very important. Okay, let's do the next bit quite quickly. The structure of the mitzvah is well known. There are twoim number 12 to give. Now kavad is from the word caved. Kavd means heavy. And therefore we'll understand the kavad doesn't mean respect. It means to look after them. It's to carry the burden of of what it means to care for them. So there it says to give kav to your father and mother. And in 13 it says immo and to give which is more the respect to your mother and father. Why does it reverse the order? Top of page three, when the when the mish when the when the gives a list and an order of things, that is the pecking order, says the first has to come first and that's why he now says and it reverses it to teach you what not to give preference to your father over your mother or your mother over your father. It purposely lists them in the two mitzvah in in the opposite orders to tell you that there is no priority. Both of them need to be looked after. Now, sometimes there has to be some kind of priority, but it can't be because one is the father and one is the mother. It has to be because of something else that they need based on their needs and it can't be based on who they are. And similarly, the mitzvah is incumbent equally on the sons and the daughters. Look in number 15 says the men and women are equally obligated in this mitzvah of respect and care for their parents. But he says the reality of marriage is such that women are sometimes certainly in his times and still to this day to some degree restricted in what they can do for their parents because they're now living with their husband. They may be at the other side of the world. They may be away. She is in a position of connection to her husband where she owes him certain responsibilities too. Therefore, she's exempted from at least certain aspects of aim because of the conflict. Given a conflict between the parents and the husband, the husband comes first. If she becomes single again, she's widowed or god forbid divorced. Then it all comes back. Now this is true of course today and my my um mentors and uh and guides have told me this not just of women's relationships to their husbands but men's relationships to their wives. Meaning the point that's being brought out here is given a clash between what your spouse needs and what your parents needs the the spouse has to have priority. And there are cases indeed where which the husband would like to be able to do things for his parents and the spouse says look you know I I I understand that but we need you I need you to do this we need you to do that and that has to be a very strong priority so the spouse comes first also what if the parents you don't think the parents deserve it and this opens up a really interesting sug here painful one as well. Looking in the number 16, even if the father was a Russia and did a still have to do the mitzvah of and the remach comes in and says, but if they're really and truly a Russ, you do not have to do the mitzvah unless they repent and change. Now this raises two interesting questions. Who is a Russia? Okay, that's the first question. Um and uh the two the two points on that that I want to bring up are first of all many people today have parents who are not religiously observant and the postkim deal with this at great length and they say to a man that that's not called a rasher somebody who has no background had no education uh in hala they may be a tinino shinishbah meaning they never got the opportunity as a child to learn about what it means to be Jewish maybe they know of course they know they're Jewish they know that they're surrounded by Jewish people but they don't have the midst they don't have the educ education in ter mitzvah that for sure is not a Russia god forbid and therefore a person has a full obligation to their parents even if their parents are not observant that's clear the more difficult question is if what if the parents are abusive and abusive is of course many different things and many therapists have to deal with this issue where there are children who are uh very tragically put into positions by parents who have abused them in different ways verbally emotionally physically sexually god forbid um what is their obligation to their parents and it's pretty clear as well on this that uh they do not have any responsibility at all to be abused. They need to get themselves out of that position as soon as they can because that parent is a Russia in this sense meaning they should know better and they do know better. Maybe the parent also has a history and maybe the parent was also abused as a child and there's a strong you know chain of that but that's not the point. The point is that this child who is being sub subject to this completely unacceptable behavior, they do not have an obligation in that sense to stand there and take it, god forbid. They need to be removed from it. And that will manifest in a million different ways. And no two cases are the same. No two parents are the same. No two kinds of abuse are the same. And uh and certainly therapists who are from who've taken revid Cohen has spoken about this on many occasions that the therapists have to in get the children to talk about what happened. That's not lash and horror because it's for therapy for the child. It's not there to harm the parents. It's there to heal the child and then to be able to remove them from any harm. Yes. >> Is there any for? >> No. No. People love who they love. Uh you have a mitzvah to everybody. Okay. Uh uh some people will obviously the people that you tend to have the closest relationship with are the people that you have the most emotional baggage with and it goes in both directions. There's no specific mitzvah to love your husband or to love your wife. That's the mitzvah. So most people will love their parents. But it's uh it's no broader in that sense than which itself is very broad. Okay. Fine. So uh we could give a whole shar on the issue of uh of child abuse, god forbid, but it's very important to understand that the child is not expected and should not be receiving when they do when they could be removed from that. Now let's talk about what the uh two mitzvah are. Very interesting points to make here. Number 17. What does it mean to have respect for your parents? Don't stand in their place. Let's say your father is a judge or your mother respected person. They have a certain place where they stand to lecture whatever. You can't stand there. You can't be in your parents' place. Or a parent's place where they dav in shul. If it's your father or mother's place, you can't be in that place. Of course in all of these the parents can give and are are are encouraged to give but without that you can't do that. If your parents have a specific chair, doesn't mean they have to have one, but let's say they do. They the child can't sit in that chair. The child can't be contradictory and contradict the parent and he can't agree with the parent in front of him even to say my father is right. What's going on here? This is where the comes in. Because if people treat that likeim, they'll say, well, I don't know what does this mean. You can't agree with your parents. No, the point is that there are cases when disagreeing with your parents is and there are cases when it's fine. Use your if you're having a discussion about who knows what politics this and and and the parents expect a robust conversation with the children then they want the children to express their opinions. Disagreeing is in apbic way. Even agreeing can be the parent the father's having an argument with someone and the child walks in and says listen my father's right. That's the end of the story. Oh no, now you've said uh everything's fine. Now you've walked in. No, that's a Who do you think you are to be saying that your parents are right in a way that as if you are the Maka, you are making the final call. That can also be a of course to say your parents are right on many other things is not. There's a context. You can't call them by their first name. Not when they're alive and not after they pass away. But you have to say abba mori. Now the question of course is what do you do if your parents are you know 70s children and they say I insist you call us Bob and Sheila uh because mom and dad is uh repressive and you know uh colonial or who know whoever knows what they think it is. And your parents want to you to call them Bob and Sheila. And what's even more your mom's called Bob and your dad's called Sheila. Yeah. Um and and you know it's this this is the this is the reality that we live in in the world we live in. So the answer is you can't you can't disrespect your parents by doing the laws of kib aim. You have to you have to tell them look you know it puts me in a difficult position. I don't feel comfortable doing this but this is what you really really want then okay this is what you really really want. Then the Gomorrah goes, "What if your dad or mom, but here it says dad, it's always the same either way has a name that other people have. You have to change your friend's name. If it's a weird name, your friend is your dad's called Colonus and you have a friend called Colonomous. So you can't call your friend colonomous because if you say the word colonomous then people say who's talking about his dad. I mean who else is called that and they don't realize the friend is is the one they you have to call your friend something else. I mean Calman the word calman is from colonomous. So that's interesting. But if he has a normal name boy but a name people are used to hearing Mosha. Your dad's called Moshe and your friend's called Moshe. So there's no such thing as you can't say Moshe because if you say Moshe no one's going to think he's talking about his dad unless your dad's there. Shalom fun of because if your father's present and you shout out Moshe then maybe people know your dad will turn around who's shouting Moshe and it's like you're calling me Moshe. So that's the brought down. Yes. >> Is the same apply to in-laws? >> No. We'll see in-laws later. We'll see in-laws is a different of of covered but not ya. And therefore in-laws whatever they want you to call them is 100% fine. With in-laws it's very difficult. I know many people, myself included, who never quite worked out what to call their in-laws. And and you're grateful when the children are born, you can call them Sabah or grandpa or Za because now I don't know, you know, I'm I'm out of that problem. So I have that problem. So uh yes, I just want to say yes. >> And a former neighbor of ours, his father was the was one of the signers of the Declaration of Independence. >> Okay. and his name was Zar Zerft. >> He had an issue when someone would ask him where do you live? What would you say? I'm called Zerak. So he actually came up with another piece. >> That's interesting. Interesting. Okay. And that's the name Zerak which is a very unusual name which is why because if you were if you were you know on I don't know Moshin Pipek Street then you wouldn't care because everyone's called Mosh. Let me just go on for a little bit. Number 18. So they had how far does this mitzvah really go? So he said look at the story this famous story of this non-Jew living in Ashcolon called big a very famous story number 18 the wanted to buy a stone he had a gem stone that he needed for the aphod and they were prepared to pay him 60 600,000 gold coins maybe it was 800,000 gold coins the and the key to the safe where he kept the the uh the gem was under his parents under his father's head and he was sleeping the light zero and he wouldn't wake him up. He wouldn't wake him up and he didn't get the money because he wouldn't wake him up. God gave him a reward the next year. He had a paradma in his in his feet in his flock in his herd. and went about the and he said to them very straight guy I know you you rabbis you'll pay anything for a it's so precious I'm only going to get the money I'm only going to ask for the money that I lost because I didn't wake up my father just as a non Jew who has no mitzvah from the Torah. This is what they get. A Jew who has the mitzvah. Now what are we learning? Why are we learning mitzvah from non-Jews in Ashkalon? It's a very strange thing. So some of the connected to because the one mitzvah, this was Edom, he was Roman. The one mitzvah that Asav really did well was kib. But also, you know, do we learn from this? Let me ask you a question. Let's say uh somebody comes to the door and says uh to the kid, the kid answers the door said, "Oh, you your your father's won the lottery." Oh, wow. He just needs to sign on this form and he'll get $5 million. Oh, no. My father's asleep. I'm really sorry. You know, I know. So, wake him up. No, no, keep it. A can't wake up your parents. So, after the father wakes up, you say, "Lucky, it's a shame because you were sleeping because the guy came with $5 million and and now he said he going to give it to the next person." I mean, someone's going to do that. The parents going to beat the guy up. Of course you want to. You have to wake me up again. You have to use your know and I'm not even sure that Dama Benosina had any in this sense. So, we're not learning technical. We're learning, you know, to the extent that your parents really don't want this something to happen, you have to be aware of that. And then we learn another interesting of this uh this particular man Dama Benosina and his mother, not just his father. where came he told us in he's from Israel this was a Roman official he was wearing his beautiful clothes and he was sitting with the you know the Senate with all the Roman great and his mother came along she ripped his clothes off she smacked him on the head she spat in his He didn't say anything to her. Why did she do this? Says because she she was uh she had dementia. She didn't know what she was doing and this was her mat and he didn't say anything. This is a very important point because the mother was sick at this point and of course what are you going to do to her? She's sick. It's nebak. But if the mother was not sick and this is how she behaves, then who says you have to stand there and take this from a parent? Yes. >> So why should you use your $5 million but not in this situation? >> No, he did use his meaning meaning what would you do if >> his mother if she was okay want to do this? >> I don't know. That's a good question. But what's he going to do? That's a good question how how this works. But the point that is making is that this is a person who is sick. This is not a normal case and the sharak is going to bring here. What does one do in a situation where parents are uh have Alzheimer's dementia to the point that it's very very painful to be with them because they're not themselves? This is a very common occurrence. We'll see the talks about this. But either way, it's not clear what we're learning from this case of Dham. But but there is apparently if it really requires it extreme cases that if the father really doesn't want to be woken up, then there's nothing that you can do. That's that's the issue of okay brings it down number 19 and he brings that down. I'm not getting more into this. Now there are more ads that if you're using your parents' name you can just add a mister or a Mrs. or whatever they are or my father and that makes it fine. People calling up in the business to speak to their father they don't call up and say hi can I speak to John because you know that's your father's name. So can I speak to my father John or whatever. Um who was blind? The number 21 when he heard his mother's footsteps coming towards him he said my mother is the I'm getting up in front of the and that is extremely important. Like I said at the beginning when I said that in the world of cabala the parent child relationship is very important. This is actually not just a an exaggeration. He thinks his mother's the shina. No, on a certain level um theina represents everybody's mother. It's a relationship with theina with Malus relationship with Bina as an even higher mother and therefore he treats his own mother as an extension if you like of this is exactly the point that the was making at the very beginning. And therefore there is a mitzvah to to get up in front of parents. But again with number 22 You have to get up in front of your parents. But what if the father is the and the son is the ravi? Then everyone has to get each one has to get up in front of the other. Now this obviously brings you into a slightly awkward situation because what are you going to do? He wants to get up in front of him. He wants to get in front of him. And the rema I didn't bring it on the sheet. I should have brought it down. there are more brings down and in that situation maybe the best thing you can do is not live too close to your parents because because you're going to get into this trouble because the Rav wants to stand up for the son who's the father rather wants to stand up for the son who's a rabbi and the rabbi wants to stand up for his father who's an amar whatever and then he says and this is the story of the maam of rottenber it's interesting he doesn't give historical tidbits in the shuk very often but the rama adds and this is what happened when the maram of rottenberg was appointed ed to the Rav. So he made sure that he lived in a different town from his father because he didn't want to have a situation where he was getting up for him and he was getting up for him and which is actually interesting because you might have said well really I mean your father now lives in another town. So uh you have to just bear this in mind it obviously worked well for them etc. There is an interesting question, by the way, in the Kumsh. Why is Yseph not in touch with his father? All the time that he's living in Egypt, he's been waiting to see his father. His father's now there. And when the father's sick, someone has to come and tell him. They have to get a, you know, a shalia to say, "Your father's sick." Well, he doesn't know his father's sick. He never goes to visit. And the Mafroim all want to talk about this and give different ideas. One of the ideas being he didn't want to get into difficult conversations with him about what happened and how did you get to Egypt. But there are other there are other ways to understand that. That's not for now. So that's yera. That's respect. Not not not not calling them by their name. Uh not contradicting them. Standing up. And again standing up has to be done with seikhel. You know you can't have someone if the parents are going to think it's weird. They stand up to attention in the morning. You know when they when they get up it has to be done in a way that looks holistic who looks joined up doesn't look strange but the person has to get up at least in the morning in the evening whatever for their parents. Fine. What about covered? And this is where we're going to get into a very interesting question which is where is the line between respecting parents and personal autonomy. What if my parents ask me to do things which I I really find very very difficult and painful and personal. So we'll see what that means right now. Is it covered? Says the shar 23. Okay. So y is respect. What is covered? That is care. As I said bearing the burden of caring for parents making sure they have food. Mash making sure they have to drink to have clothes to have bed linen. Whatever they need, you bring them in the house. You take them out, you take them to the hospital, you take them to the doctor, you take them to wherever they're going. And that's all very well. And this is the hard part. And you have to do it with a smile. you know, schleing around for parents is not as hard as doing it and uh not getting grumpy because it's often, you know, parents are often unreasonable. Uh and uh that's that's the hard point and that's that it it expresses this one of the reasons why it's the hardest mitzvah because there has to be a save up in situations which are often difficult. 24 I brought down the I mentioned if the parent has dementia to the point that the child can no longer look after them. So the child's obligation is not to necessarily personally look after them, but to make sure that they are looked after. And this is very difficult often when people are living across the other side of the world from parents. I had a conversation yesterday with somebody whose mother's unfortunately very sick and and this student has a life in Israel and the question is do they leave Israel for a year for two years? How how long it takes to care for the parents? They made a whole life for themselves here. But these are very difficult situations. It's not always easy to just get up and run. And people has to definitely bear this in mind which I therefore want to get into this central question which is where do we draw the line. So let's look at this night now. Look at 26. The has a question. Didn't we say that what they want is what they get. If you have a slightly strange mother that wants to drink the dirty feed water, you have to let her do that. But what happens if the father wants certain behavior from the son and the parents are upset? He's marrying a woman that the parents don't like. Has that ever happened? Has happened. Okay. Why do we pass and we do that the person can marry this woman. He's in love with this woman. They're a good sh for each other. And even if the parents are crying themselves to sleep every night, I can't believe that he married that girl or she married that guy, there he's allowed to do that. Why is that okay? Why is that not included in the obligation not to disrespect your parents? You're not allowed to contradict them. Your father says yes, you said no, that's wrong. Oh, that's a Torah prohibition. But your father doesn't want you to marry a woman and you say, "I'm sorry, Dad. She's the, you know, woman we're going to marry." And for for years and years your parents are in terrible emotional pain that you're allowed to do. Yes, that you are allowed to do. Why? Why is that okay? So says the Gammor number 27. And here's the answer. Boy, they asked the question Michelle me who has to pay who has to pay for the covered covered meaning the care home the the the carer the the money that it takes to look after the parent. Michelle me Rabuda Michelle Ben. It's the child's mitzvah. Michelle of No, it's the parents money that goes into it. Meaning, what if the parents are millionaires and they say to the child, "Okay, you know, I need to be looked after. I need to go into a care facility. It's going to cost $20,000 a month. Uh, but we're giving all our money to uh betas for a new uh, you know, roof extension or whatever, and we're going to give that money away. We expect you to pay for this because it's your mitzvah." So what's the child going to say? So one view says, "Yep, you're right. It's the child's mitzvah. They're going to have to make it work." And the other view is, "No, you've got money. You need a carer. Your money has to pay. It's not my money. It's my mitzvah, but it's your money." So who do we pas like the the rabbi pasmia? One got into this son commander Michelle. It's the parents money. the parents money pays. Don't we have a problem with this? Doesn't it say you have to give to your parents look after them? It says you have to give cover to Hashem with your money just as giving Hashem covered with money costs you money. Why is parents looking after parents any different? It should cost you money. If you say you're using the father's money, the parents money, what are you giving? What are you giving? If your parents are giving the money, says the you're giving time. You're putting time in time that you might have been doing this, time that you might have been doing that, you don't have to use your bank account savings to pay for the care home, but you have to give up the time and the opportunity cost of other things. Okay? And that is the look in the Rambam 28. What is looking after the parents says the Rambamish Michelle from the parents money that's the that's easy in conceptually but how are we going to apply that to meaning my obligation to respect my parents wishes is that Michelle A or Michelle Ben now there we're not talking about money it's not just a dollars and cents issue it's not paying a bill it's my parents expect this behavior Yeah, but it's going to actually cost me in some kind of significant way. Have a look at what this says in 29. Um the brings down that it's the parents money for and then in he says as follows 29 second line how far does it go if the parents either steal the son's money in front of them and throw it and throw the son's money into the sea. You're not you're not allowed to upset them. You can't get angry in front of them. You can't be irritated with them. You have to take it. They they pulled your money. The threaded in the sea says the by the way also like this not like the says no no no no there is a limit. There is a view as I say by all the that if they're trying to throw your money away you can stop them you can say no this sorry you can't take that because your obligation of looking after them is with their money and there's no difference between both mitzvah are done says with quote unquote their money. Meaning they may ask you to do something which is irritating. Okay, you do it. They're your parents. You think it's weird, so you do it. Your mother buys you a sweater and you think it looks terrible. When your mother comes around, she likes you to wear it, so you wear it. What difference does it make? But your parents ask you to do something which crosses the line. You need to marry this man. You need to marry this woman. No, no, no, no, no. We're not talking about a sweater that I don't like. We're talking about my whole life. I'm giving away my whole life because of what you want for me. you you you can't do that. That's not called Michelle A. That's called Michelle Ben. And therefore, he gives a few examples. We'll see in a minute. It's only before they throw your money in the sea. You could stop them if they've already thrown your money into the sea. Well, what can you do? You can't get angry with them. You could take them to bin. You know, your parents want to go joy riding in your new car. You know, that's not okay. And that's only if they want to throw his money into the sea. If they want to take away his potential profits that he has to give up and by the way they can throw their own money into the sea. You know that your parents have got millions and billions and you think well you know I may have esim but that's going to come in very handy. And your parents say no actually we're going to go for the rest of the next 20 years on what they call ski holidays. Yeah. Spending the kids' inheritance. Okay. Ski holidays. So yeah, the answer is it's your money. Okay, it's your money. You can do what you like with your money. You know, you can't steal the kids money, but you can do what you like with your own money. And therefore, this is applied in many different scenarios. Look at the Yseph 30ist. He's asking a Shila. He's answering a sh in the 15th century France. You had a question. Can the father stop the child from marrying who the child wants to marry? meaning if the woman is or the man is a is a suitable spouse meaning it's just the parents problem but there's nothing wrong with this person the parents have a hangup they say yeah we're kidish you can only marry but this is a beautiful young man beautiful young woman fine midas but they're just not kidish or we won't we won't let you marry someone who is modern orded or whatever so the parents don't have a right to say that but if the guy if the person you're trying to marry is objectively ridiculous you met a guy on death row in Texas, you know, and and you any correspondence and you say, "Look, he's very misunderstood and and and and there are reasons why he killed his first wife and and and and like he's really a sweetheart." Okay. So So then the the parents the parents obviously can turn around and say, "You're out of your mind." Okay. But if there's if there's no reason why the the is not a good, the parents can't ask that from the child. Number one, even when it comes to money, the care home costs the rabbis agreed with to it's the parents money that's used. And that's what I've seen in every plaque. It's the parents money for cover. All the more so here when it's not just money you're giving up, you're going to marry a person that you don't have a relationship with. to leave the woman you love to have to marry another person. He's not being a romantic here. He's saying that you can't give up your life's happiness because your parents are not happy. It's their problem. It's not your problem. You've crossed that line. They're asking you to give up something which is too much. It's that's called Michelle Ben. So too there the moral rules in 31. If the ch if the father doesn't want the child to marry, he doesn't have to listen to the father. Another one number 32. The parents tell the children to do an aa to break a mitzvah. The parents say, "Turn on the lights, please, on Shabas." The child can say, "No, I'm not breaking Shabas. We're your parents. Don't disrespect us. No, you can't take away my olaba. You can't take away my relationship with her mitzvah. That's more that's not wearing a a weird sweater. That's something much more fundamental. They do not have to listen. Another interesting example 33. The father commands the child. We don't speak to that person. Okay. Um and we don't forgive that person. The son wants to make shalom. Okay. Immediately even though the father says no, you don't listen to the father. Ah, the parents say we don't speak to great uncle. Why? He looks very nice. Oh, you don't know what he did in 1955 to your grandfather. You know, we've all had those stories. You know, you know the answer is I'm sorry. You can't command me to perpetuate Bus. Obviously, you're not going to run up to great uncle in front of your parents and kiss him and hug him. You have to be have but you can't perpetuate that. That's not okay. Number 34 trumps 35 who wants to go to a certain place. They're convinced that they will be successful in learning and there's a great yeshiva there and the father says no you can't go. Why? going. They're worried about them. There there are dangerous non-Jews there. There are people who are, you know, blow up buses and who knows what. Nevertheless, he doesn't have to listen to the parents. Doesn't have to listen to the parents. And this is time and time again. You see this young people who say, "My parents won't let me come to Israel for a year to learn Torah." They say, "If you want to learn, go to Brooklyn. There are yeshivas in America." The says, "Yeah, but the yeshiva I need to go to in Israel is is is it's in Israel to yeshiva." And the parents say, "I'm sorry, you can't go." That is not something the son or the daughter has to listen to. Now, the parents might turn around and say, "We're not paying," which they every right to say. They have no hakic obligation to pay for a year of uh of gap year programming and maybe the child has to raise money and I've had those cases as well. But the uh but the child can nevertheless go. That's very clear. And we've had situations where parents say, "You can go to Israel, but you can't go on the buses. You can only take a taxi." And you say to the parents, "Yeah, but the most of the taxes where I am are Arab taxes. You prefer to do that or to go on the bus?" No, the buses are dangerous. Taxes are fine. The parents are clueless. They don't really know what's going on. So, there's the questions as to how far do you need to do what they say? Are they paying for the taxes, etc. Just in the last minute or two, I want you to just look at a couple of things on the bottom. You can see this for yourself. I I put here other relatives. The ED comes to include the stepparents. Therefore, there is an obligation of covered, of looking after stepparents. Certainly, while the natural parent is alive. Okay. But that's not one of ya. It's one of covered. It's a different responsibility. You can't let them just, you know, be without what the basic things they need. And even after their natural parent has died, there is a a midter to do that as well. I brought you the famous sources. Even older siblings may be included to some degree. Obviously, it's not the same as parents and uh in siblings >> older siblings. Yeah. And in >> and in older sibling. Well, older brother. Okay. But I don't know if it's different with with girls at this particular point. It's not because >> Yes. But it doesn't not to the same degree. It's not the dinner of this a different it's a different and also parents-in-law in-laws. We learned that from Moshe and Israel. There's a dinner of covered for in-laws. But again, not ya. There's no there's no that you can't sit in their place or call them their name etc. It's covered is when they need you, when the sibling needs you, you can't say ah I'm not, you know, they can look after themsel. No, if they need them, you have to be there to some degree. Um, and therefore that's ruled as well. So hopefully that brings us uh into a lots of modern day scenarios, interesting scenarios. And uh we will move on next week. We have three I think more sessions maybe four more sessions before uh tab where we'll break for in we'll move on to completely new material but hashem have a wonderful week and we'll see you then.