Body and Soul Retreat 2018 Ilana Cowland Sustainable Jewish Growth

reporte it makes no sense right where would be are you ready can I can I go okay all right so I can't remember the name of the class but I know that it's about it's about it's about growing in a way that's successful with longevity sustainable there we go yeah thank you very much okay good yes sadly all right so I wanted to ask just before we begin who here is in this class because they want some new tools for themselves and who here is in this class because they like to help other people if you're in it for your own growth and you can put your hands up twice it's also fine okay and if you're in it to be able to facilitate other people are great it's the same class anyway I just want to turn it what the yeah well you can see at that point okay all right so I'm going to start off with with a with a I don't mind at all it'll be on the tour any time anyway but you're welcome to yeah and I'm gonna start off with a question that'll set a little bit of a context for what we mean by growth because when we start defining growth we're gonna be here forever anyway and it means slightly different to different people and that's fine and then the context of the growth is different some people it's personal for some people its organizational for some people it's on their character traits some people it's religious I'm not going to determine what your growth is that's really your your call and it'll be different at different stages in your life but the idea of moving from one place to the next and keeping that going is always challenging so that's what we're going to be focused on so listen carefully and tell me who who do you think in the following scenario is the quote unquote better person now before you get worrying about judging anybody I'm making it up okay so it back at the home page it's not really judgment it's just a hypothetical question okay the first person comes Friday night the two women in the scenario okay this woman lights her Shabbat candles and then goes to the movies okay person number two lights her Shabbat candles and then goes to the moon these who is higher and who is lower I know the answer is always free well I can't right now so so really person a or person B who's higher who's lower maybe maybe not so you really can't on for the question because you okay so let's put some context in on this and again even with the context this isn't really true it's a very simplified model okay person a it's the first time they have ever done their Shabbat candles person B it's the first time they've ever broken Shabbat okay now by the way you still can't judge obviously but in our simplified model of our non real people how does a story change now story changes all right why perhaps maybe somebody's in pain we don't know that we don't know the story over here but we do know yes yes yes in the simplified model that's right that's right yes now what in real life it may not even be that way it may be that the person who's taking the step up is rushing and trying to oppress their friends and this isn't healthy of the person who's taking me the step down is actually more authentic with what their needs are so in real life we could make it the judgment but in our simplified model the only person you can compare your growth to is where you are now you where you are now okay so and that and that's the judgment you can make on yourself it's not a job when you can make on other people it's the judgment you can make on yourself so whatever the context of the growth is we're looking at growth as wherever I am am I taking a step forward are we taking a step back and again it's true that you'll step forward maybe my step back but in my own judgment am i moving forward or moving back that's the question okay now a lot of people especially when they grow and religiously had a very big complex you know about like getting there getting coming there that awful place full of wigs will they ever get there there is no there because you are always asking yourself the question am i moving one step forward are my moving one step back there is never there it's a circular experience you never really reach an end point there's no you are the you are the revolving access of your judgment and you're only ever comparing yourself to yourself okay so so there is a myth you know I have to say having said that my line of work I work with students and you know Mary's also but I've been working with students for a long time and it's a tremendous pleasure to watch people growing it's also incredibly embarrassing for me I have to say you know because I see these people who are making it I mean these gigantic steps like I was just ensure you know yesterday she's not here so I can't say Oh she'll kill me but you know I I saw a student who who never saw a sitter in her whole life either breaking her teeth over reading the words one by one and I thought to myself I haven't done anything that great in years you know it's like embarrassing yeah it's a nebraska's humbling and unprivileged thing to to be involved with people who grow and everybody who's in this room is you know may not be succeeding in their growth or maybe but they will they want to be succeeding in their growth so that's a you know everybody hands up in hands up in the air put your hands up in the air pat your backs okay we need to do that once in a while okay so so what we're going to do is we're going to take a look at what works and what doesn't and you know you'll apply in your own lives and I really would like it to ask you to be confident enough that what I'm saying to you doesn't apply to you feel free to ignore it because you know your stuff better than I do but I'm gonna give you some general principles I believe some of them at least will be helpful hopefully ready okay so let's take a look at how growth works and we're really going to do this on the on the following model this is the model that I use in many of my classes I actually use it my in my thing Bill's dating class most of all but I want to use it in our growth class it's gonna be called the IEP model okay intellect emotion and physical all right and we're going to be using as our examples food okay we're going to be using as our examples food I always tell my students that are battling to keep kosher it absolutely clear to me that God threw me into a family that already keeps kosher because I'm such a foodie I would never have been able to give up not have I had it and any of you who've done that know total kudos that is that that is a huge thing like I can't even give up gluten I don't know how shellfish should have gone down apparently it's delicious but the big kudos of that but we're gonna be talking a little bit about food and the changes that you make some from some from experiences that I I've had many for my students experiences and you know I'll see how he goes so what is the key to sustained growth what do you think in your experience is what's worth you yes okay just knowing okay so right okay great so information is helpful yes because it reorients you to what's right and what's wrong and what you should be thinking yes yes yes absolutely yes yes community right absolutely huge very good long-term goals yes yes having purpose yeah having fun fun form a reason okay yes okay the self brainwashing experience yes exactly your education that very good okay you know when when as anybody here like made a really big change in the life at one point that they've managed to maintain what was what was the moment that made that a reality for you we were toeing the line do you speak of yeah but we were toeing the line of how are we gonna you know become more observant yeah my husband was like a no look about accident and he walked away without a scratch yeah yeah yeah and I just said if that wasn't there's no other signs so like right then that's amazing was that intellectual for your emotional fear emotional okay very good but for most people they may have a lot of information that is coming their way but the moment that helps some take a step from one from one piece to the next is when something hits them okay now it could be something intellectual that hits them but that hitting is not purely informational I would call that an insight based moment where something hits you and and just something totally changes how do we create those moments how do we create wanting something mm-hmm huh okay good effort but how do you create the desire someone I had a friend who lost a lot of weight and my husband was struggling with weight loss he's I mean first you know him is that he's lost a lot of weight and I said what yeah that's right and I said to him you know what did he do and he's like yeah it doesn't you know it's kind of irrelevant I'm like no I want to know what was the diet what did you eat and he didn't want to share it with me and I kind of pushed him on and I'm like why are you telling me what you did he said cuz it will make no difference unless you've really wanted okay yeah unless you've realized that I've hit a point that I really really want something yes yes yes yes right right right yes but it's interesting it's a it's a piece of information it's an informational process that will then hit it and transfer into a state of wanting right you have lots of information until something in you says I feel this I feel this going from from from from my head to my toe you know then information is is lafi it's learning but it doesn't necessarily become enough of a impetus for real change real change needs to have your emotions bought into okay and the question is again how do we create a wanting for something yes inspirations yes dad seen something and experiencing it yes for me try this yes doing the experiencing show as much as this one yes when you have it and it's not what you thought it was gonna be anything yeah that's right and walk away like I want that I want more of that that's right and at that moment you felt that something had you not felt that feeling then then the beautiful experience would have been irrelevant explain what I did yeah right absolutely okay so we have a situation where information is helpful in the creation of insight okay when I hear people saying I really don't want to learn because if I learn I'll know what I'm supposed to be doing and then I'm gonna go to hell for the things that I'm not doing okay that's not how it works we're all in process we can't possibly reach a critical moment in our process unless we give ourselves a journey through our minds to our insights I don't worry about what you've learnt that you're not keeping you can't really reach in front and this could be an experience it could be information but there is a process that takes you to the point of insight and we want to be engaging in that learning is huge learn and don't do that's fine because learning will give you a chance of changing orientation or your understanding to the point but something makes sense that you might want it I've heard so many people say oh yeah I'm not watching that documentary I'm gonna become a vegan if I watch that documentary okay what does that mean I understand that if I really understand this it's going to make me want to change and I've already decided that I don't want to change so I'm not gonna put my so in situation where I want to change which tree makes no sense because if you want to that you want to right that's right so we start this whole journey not on somebody else's inspiration but by giving us some form of Education whether that's you have to know who you are whether that's through immersion or through experience or conversation or learning that's a personal thing but in order to reach a point where this means enough to you that you wants the growth to happen you're you have to set yourself based on who you are on a journey to be able to reach that point so nobody else's moment is not going to touch you it's got to be your moment right somebody else's moment is not enough okay but here's the important part what people then do is they either by axe them have this these moments or or they bring themselves to these moments and then they forget the very next part and we're on the body so a tree and I really want to spend more time talking about the next stage than this stage they forget the body okay they forget the body what I mean by that what I mean by that okay so let's go back to our field example they leave the body out of the process I've had this moment this is a leading to do I'm gonna do it okay say okay all right but you have to kick you have to recognize that your body is a partner in this world and it has to come with you on a journey say what I mean okay so you finally watched the documentary okay and you've had that moment of wow if I eat another cow we're all gonna die okay and you commit as of tomorrow morning to being vegan Yes No obviously our Jewish audience we only look at me like what are you talking about okay so what do I say to myself well how do I normally eat well normally I have like a turkey sandwich in the morning and then I have a burger at lunch and then at dinner I have a steak and fries okay so now I have to take the meat out what does that mean I'm having two slices of bread and some lettuce in the morning okay I'm having a bun with some ketchup at lunch okay and then I'm maybe I'll have myself a double fries okay what happens first day did it oh so cool okay I say the planet yeah what happens day two and day three you're going to eat your children because you're so hungry okay understand if you are depriving your body your body is going to have an enormous tantrum there are some people who zero very well depriving their body because they are disciplined enough to deprive their body okay that's unusual it's not even always necessarily healthy there are some types that are like that you don't have to become that type some people just pull that off but for most of us if we're going on a journey towards growth and we leave our bodies behind our blood is looking to tantrum on us and it's not going to work so once I've had this moment of inspiration and I recognize I have to change the way that I eat what I do now yes okay I have to not just educate myself of what I want I have to look at my body as a partner in this because my buddy is a partner in my life and I have to recognize that here's how the body works it's like a small child they do like discipline and structure but they don't do well with deprivation so you have to bribe your buddy to come with you on the journey what does it mean if you're changing how you eat to bribe your body it means that you have to recognize that the moment that you start experiencing hunger what oh okay fine the moment that youth I thought you disagree with they're like speak up speak up okay the moment that you start really experiencing hunger you're now doing a very stupid thing you're giving yourself a war between your own free will and your body's needs your survival instinct should not let your free will win okay because a hungry buddy is going to tantrum until you feed it and if you look into the fridge and all you see is last week's meat that you've decided not to eat okay it's not gonna last very long so what do you have to do yeah you have to you have to recognize that if you now moved into a vegan farm where they were like massive buffets of amazing food all day long your body wouldn't mind on the contrary your body would be quite happy to be cleansed because it would enjoy the feeling of not having the meat in it but it's got to be a partner in the plant if it's not a partner in the plan it's going to revolt against the plan and then your free will against your body and again in a normal surviving healthy person that's not going to be injuring I am I was I was trying to change some food you know I mean either men do you do you agonize over diet as much as well as women - I mean I yes I'm do something I know my husband does I don't know if everybody thought but this is how my wheat begins okay Michael begins with it's Sunday morning I've eaten too much this week will be the week okay put your hands up if you relate this it will be the week and I wake up in the morning okay and it's usually it's easy like my shower pep talk and I am preparing for what I am going to deprive myself off all this week and I'm so excited about this yes primarily cuz I'm not yet hungry okay and I had this amazingness of what my menu is gonna be for the day for about 25 minutes okay and then the next sound like that's okay get back on the horse into the city and refer back so every morning I successfully keep to my diet plan for about 25 minutes okay and that's been the pattern and I had an amazing insight that I'm going to share with you which is that what I do when I do this is I ask what I'm going to deprive myself of and one day I said you know it comes a point where if you've been doing something unsuccessfully like 20 years you got it you know so I decided to change something and it felt a bit strange but I asked myself a brand new questions I have never asked myself before I asked myself instead of what can I take away from what I eat mmm what can I add to what I eat now you understand my calories relax this is not necessarily a successful model but I asked myself a question what habits can I add so I can succeed in eating well not getting thin eating well and what did I realize I realized that there's a whole bunch of things I'm doing really badly for example I don't drink enough water culprits of chronic dehydration okay I don't drink enough water and you know just then people like drink away yes oh yeah okay okay right I don't take enough water what else do I not do I don't eat enough vegetables instead of asking what can I take away from my life I asked myself a really guilty question which is what can I add to my life and I started to add good hadith to my life instead of taking away bad habits and a few weeks later I noticed that I had kind of accidentally dropped some of those bad habits and I didn't even try and I didn't even mean to because I had filled the space with something that was giving me pleasure instead of just taking away something that was giving me pleasure now the pleasures were different one was short some one was long someone's healthy ones not healthy but in that moment when the body is eating it's enjoying it so instead of taking away I added and I would like to suggest that when it comes to growth as well if your whole methods especially by the way when it comes to Judaism where the concept of abstention and deprivation have really really crept in from Christian influences if you are making yourself more miserable on your growth journey number one your body will protect you from misery and it will not endure number two you're doing it wrong if your Judaism or your growth journey but specifically if your Judaism is making you more miserable and not more joyful you have made a mistake in what you're doing okay got me are you struggling with this because that sounds like you know to self yeah I know all right okay well we'll have to have another class on self-esteem later on okay hey I hate to break it to you over here but the good that I know kind of likes us Jewish God okay lice us enough to make life difficult sometimes this is true believes enough enough to make life difficult sometimes but wants us to succeed and to grow doesn't want us to be miserable that is not the point of our existence yes so if you could do that that's great but that is hard to maintain what's easier to maintain and what feels closer to to the right kind of growth is to say my life has been enhanced through this process I feel better because I drink more I feel better for drinking more than I felt worse for eating too much it makes sense okay this is supposed to be a process toward something good this is not Catholicism with orgy with whatever with all due respect but it's not it's Judaism we're trying to grow towards something good so I want to I want to draw it now how much time do we have again I want to draw a picture of my work okay yes all right I'll do it underneath I want you to I wanted to see what growth doesn't look like successful growth doesn't look like and then I want to show you what successful growth does look like okay successful growth does not look like this boom okay why because what you don't know is that on the other side of the whiteboard there's a brick wall and a concussion awaiting you okay that's Jenny what happens when people do this there's a brick wall I've noticed in the v8 for Hara towards growth what's the it's hard you know the little little angel employ to you know to get in the way of what we're trying to do in life friends trying to get in the way of our greatness it has two methods either don't grow don't grow let's terrified don't even start the process you know war okay because neither of those work okay so what does what does successful growth look like like this I'm gonna show you a whole bunch of pieces and and you know you'll see what resonates to you what's that yeah that's the no growth that's the education part before the growth okay take as long as you want as long as it takes you until something moves you okay and then something like that okay now how do we know I'll explain a bit over there how do we know this this is succeeded because this is the beginning and that's the end and it's moving in the right direction okay it doesn't that's right that's right but it's constantly going that direction it didn't hit a brick wall and drop down here okay it's okay that in that process there was these dips that's fine that's part of growth what you don't to do is say oh because there was a dip I give up a dip is part of growth in fact sometimes you've taken on too much which is why the dip happens and if that dip is all will slow slow slow I need to take this down a step in order to be able to continue this then that is your growth but is what your growth requires of you right now what do we have in between each stage you'll notice somebody said it before you said it we have the time but you have time okay you take on something you take on something why do we want time in between steps to get used to and get comfortable why else yes yes and also to savor it okay if you've never had food before sorry chemo going back to food you'll notice it's a feel area okay if you've never had this food before the weight it learn food is not to have a big table with everything on it you know the sweet and the savory and the hot and the cold and the spicy and the sour and just put it all in your mouth in one time okay that's not gonna bring you any form of joy you need to know sweet you need to see how it fits with you you need to enjoy the effects of the energy that sugar can give you and then you need to experience a wolf or cooked or whatever it is each one is a different experience the way that we look at a mitzvah and an obligation seeing that what a nice weather it is is it's a connection - it's a connection to God it's a connection to self you need to know how that's impacting you you need to let that make your life feel better that's a process so that you could enjoy that before you're ready for the next step I had a friend we had a fight wasn't a bad fight I'm a nice guy but we had a fight like this she um she really fought for English standards she kept nothing okay English English people tend to be less assimilated because like that they're much more connected to their European backgrounds so you know usually meet English people they've had some kind of like Jewish something going going on but for an English person 20 years ago she was really really disconnected Jewishly which is unusual again because in it because we we kind of left Russia or Europe later than you guys did right so ever simulator left lesson you in the hole and she she went on to a learning program and she was immensely touched by what she learnt and she wanted to take something on okay so I said to her well what really touched you so she came from an abusive past so what really touched her with the was the concept of what we call sherman aghia or hava nagila you may have heard of it yeah okay this idea that your physical boundaries as as as a woman or a man are really not the right of any bit of anybody else of the of the opposite gender she couldn't believe as someone who had an abusive past that she had the right to boundaries around her and she loved this idea of shomer negiah she couldn't pronounce it she loved it so she said to me I really love that so I said okay well if that's what brings you joy if that's what you really connect to do that so she said I can't I said okay I understand why so she said well that's understand I know Jews okay I know loads of from Jews they keep Shabbat they keep kosher and none of them are from enough to be half a Nagila okay so I'm gonna come in you know with my pork sandwich on Yom Kippur shomer negiah it's weird I said okay so what's your plan she's like when I guess I have to start with Shabbat or kosher I like reeling and do you connect it about a coach it's like no not at all not a bit so we had a three-hour fight I said explain this to me there's 613 connections you connect to one you're gonna pick one that you don't connect to as your first step how would you do that yourself okay i won and she went back on campus you know in her in a little you know sure it's somehow a t-shirt but like no one's allowed to touch her because she was officially there'll be so many gear gia university but it was something that brought her joy it was something that she connected to and the fight was allowing herself the growth that's going to bring you joy and she resisted that I don't know much about Judaism I know it's supposed to make you feel guilty alright I'm like know if you get to learn this from scratch that's let it right if you don't know much then whatever you do let it let it enhance your life and bring you joy but that's that's a good thing that's an okay thing so this projectory goes like this every so often there is a big step okay but the big steps are generate things that feel so right at the time that they didn't even feel difficult because the idea of not doing them doesn't feel right okay those are ones where your body is so ready for it it's asking you to do it it's it's it you feel it's ready it's that time where you've been keeping three out of four of your Shabbat you know and the one that you're not keeping is the one that's making most miserable in the month when you hit that stage it's time to keep Shabbat and it does not doesn't matter how long that takes that's a personal journey okay so this idea that it's supposed to be giving something back to me because God has made me for my own pleasure and that the the joy of Judaism it is part of Jewish understanding if you don't understand the joy of Judaism you have to go back to ABC's on what the whole one the whole concept is about if it brings you joy and it brings most your life then you're going to want to sustain it because it's working for all of you your body and your soul so when I have people who say to me you know I really want to I don't know change the way that I eat or dress or Shabbat or whatever I said some hold on you've got to create a set up that is a bribe to your body if you used to look good in your jeans don't change how you how you dress until you've earned enough money to go shopping for cool skirts okay and if you used to really enjoy your weekend it's not gonna last very long if the Shabbat experience is now I sat at home and didn't do anything it was so spiritual I gained so much from not smoking and not watching TV and not being on my phone and watching all my friends go out and have so much fun without me my soul was on fire you're gonna feel your soul you just feel your body saying this okay it doesn't last long if you want Shabbat to work don't give every Shabbat keep every eight and go to someone's half and have the best time ever until you want to keep another one make it work for you and don't feel guilty that it's working for you this is the body and soul partnership your body isn't into this you need to bribe it US religious parents spend a lot of time and money bribing our children into liking Shabbat because there's effectively a very boring day so what we do we buy them toys and games and clothes and all that you know why because we need to bribe them into liking it because it's our responsibility it's called brainwashing that's what we do as parent okay we brainwashed our children into like a Shabbat because it is thought about it they probably wouldn't because it's not cool to be eight and not not but you have to watch or play or be on a computer okay you have to do that with your own body my body in the ends will enjoy this because it's going to be good for me but I have to I have to I have to invite it into the experience if not it's not going to sustain itself okay questions so far yes really well yes but yes yes yes yes totally it's the same thing my kids and my husband need to turn around and say this is working for me after history I have a student she was very very very slow about her growth she's a lot of love who are learning before she did any moving which was great and it worked for her and in the end you know she she really did a like a lot of changes in her life what was fascinating about her was that her family also changed the family that she came from not even her kids the families before that to the point where her father called up my husband and said I would like to start to have a learning partnership with you okay get England this is not open-minded forward people who like to do things like call the rabbi and ask to learn these a you know polite suppressed you know people who like their lifestyle okay I know from experience like okay all right so he this I called my husband and said can I have a learning part with you that had never happened with any of our students before and he came out he would come over to the house every week and I was baffled by this so one day my husband was late mmm because he has no respect only kidding okay for those of you watching on Terry time we missed the last class it was just a joke my husband so he was late and Toni and I was sitting having a coffee and I said I have to ask you it is amazing to see parents who are so supportive of their kids growth it's so unusual what happened I just need to understand its attorney says me it's quite simple really our Traci she was horrible till she became religious and a she's lovely hey what happened to Tracy Tracy's light I'm not doing the Shabbos Nicosia thing but you know what I curse too much and I don't spend enough time with my sister and I'm rude and ungrateful to my parents I'm gonna start working on my speech and I'm gonna start working on my attitude and my gratitude and my honoring parents and she didn't do this about kosher thing because they didn't speak to her she did that stuff and what what was her parents experience they knew nothing about Judaism but they saw their daughter having a wonderful growth journey have you ever had a friend who had a boyfriend or a girlfriend that you didn't meet but you already didn't like why yeah cuz they're a mess they're in the bathroom every day with like you know nervous diarrhea they're horrible they're snappy they can't sleep at night it doesn't matter how nice the boyfriend or girlfriend is you're not interested you know ready okay if Judaism is making you miserable you're doing it wrong and if you're doing it right it will enhance your life and the people around you is life okay mummy and daddy used to be really nice you know now they scream at me when I bring milk come to the meaty side do you love your Judaism you do not you know but mummy daddy used to be really nice and now we get to go and have a really function about once in a while the rabbi's house and it's so cool and there's games and three things do you like sure that you do I understand you're responsible if you are the facilitator of your family's growth to make it work for them and that doesn't mean you have to do everything remember what is growth I'm one step further than I was before if I'm 20 steps further than I was before that's not growth that's unreasonable its unsustainable and how long until I get there there is no there and there is no deadline on it it's a continued experience my life is improving as I become closer to my Creator closer to my fulfilment closer to my potential if that's not the experience I'm doing something wrong it doesn't mean every so often that something might be difficult if you make a commitment it doesn't mean every cellphone something might be difficult but if you get into you know eating well sometimes you stretch yourself in an exercise cause that's also okay it could hurt a little bit after that's okay but it feels good even when it hurts it feels right it feels that you're onto something that is bringing you joy and closeness if it's not you've probably missed something okay now in terms I want to address something else that comes up a lot when people are growing and this is more specifically in the Jewish growth realm people struggle a lot apart from their intimate families you know with family or friends I would like to I would like to dress that a little bit like it was said yesterday the Pam I think it's very true and the people that will give you the hardest time with the people that are most threatened by your journey okay and just be surprised be prepared to be surprised be prepared to be surprised by the people who say this is wonderful this is great I'm so proud of you fantastic and the people who say you don't make me look good anymore you don't make me feel good anymore okay I was amazed as a kid and I was going the the reaction from my friends you know the the reaction from my friends the people who I didn't even think cared mommy who were just like really proud of you you know versus the reaction from the other people who are like you're not useful anymore you're not useful yeah yes yes you don't made me feel good you don't hang out with me you know that's true friends but it's family it's different okay what's the difference with family what yes number one number two nor should you yes that's right yes yes you lose a friend when it comes to no huh no huh that's right and and and it's you shouldn't use a family member over it you shouldn't family is really important I always tell people like you know do not do not push your mom away no one else will be able to huh don't don't imagine that any of your big promises from all your big rabid since I gotta take over from your mom your mom will be there when you're having a baby not your friends that you met on the trip like it's your mom like didn't don't wish your mom working okay but with fact with friends family it's slightly different generally again I'm generalizing what's the difference number one the nervous the nervous what are you doing number two they are scared of alienation from you and number three they feel the pain of rejection with your siblings that's the rejection of just you know how you do things and whether you're still gonna be willing to go to a football game with them or whether if they want to hang out with Ethan have to pray you know and with your parents it's that for those of you for the whom this is relevant it's that horrible feeling of if you've made big changes in your life what I offered you well clearly wasn't good enough that's the painful thing even when you want your children to grow and change even when you want your children to grow and change the fact that there was something that they found that you hadn't offered them makes you feel like you failed and I always tell people don't be scared to articulate gratitude and love and closeness tell your families and your friends your families particularly you mean the world to me I have no intention of losing my relationship over you and you have to make the effort to make up for any tension you put on the relationship if your family goes to the beach on a Shabbat morning and you can't get in the car now then you have to take the ball out for coffee on a Sunday so you spend time with them they didn't do anything wrong they're just doing what they always did you're the weird one who changed you have to you have to make up for that and you can tell your family members also and then this is true very often I'm not rejecting your values it's because of your values that I have the courage to make the life that I want to make for myself you taught me truth you taught me authenticity you taught me integrity you took me growth I will draw my own conclusion with that I will draw my own picture with the paints that you gave me mom and have because that's usually the truth and as a parent I don't know how many people here are parents of kids isn't it torturous when your kids start doing their own thing hey I really want you to do your own thing sana to me to here it's torturous and then you recognize that again they are drawing a new picture with the with with the tools that you provided for them and then you look back and you say wow not only did I give you the tools but I give you the confidence to draw your own picture that's beautiful but that's a process that takes time it's an uncomfortable process but articulate that articulate that yes I'm making changes but I want to keep it close because you mean more to me than anything else in the whole world yes I'm making changes but don't think I'm changing away from you I'm changing thanks to you yes I'm making changes yeah and I may have to off plastics but I'll be getting in your home um okay my Jewish mothers always like to feed their children this is a very sore topic but how about I'll get the stuff because I'm really sorry that I'm bothering you with this and let's cook together anyway because you know that you can buy kosher turkey for Thanksgiving let's do it together how do you feel about that okay nobody wants to lose someone that they love and no one should lose someone that we love God her religion if you have a situation where family members are toxic and you need to create distance that's what my favorite version that's true anyway but if you have close loving relationships it's your job for the effort into that closeness of those loving relationships because you're the one who created the tension okay and if you're making changes in your family do not blame your kids for not being excited about going to shul torture by boredom yeah you watch too much TV we can go listen to a sermon woohoo you understand hey you have to make it that's right that's right that's right that's right oh and the upside of course not it's very important and and and back in the day we were you know kids were very disciplined they connage did what they were told to do now they do what they want to do a little bit more so you have to make sure that their growth is it's falling into their definition of what they want to do to some degree it's got to be something worth I want you wanted to see something my daughter yes from and she didn't tell me for a while yeah she was away at college and she called me and she said to me and I said that isn't wonderful I keep kosher home Wow still not sure what Shabbos but I said this beautiful sheet was quiet for a minute and I could hear tears away she said because I have a few friends I've called their parents and they said don't come home I said what well done mom well done mom and I yeah yeah yeah and I said to her why oh yeah yeah why yeah and we had lost people the family I had an illness and I needed something mom yeah and she was in Hillel yeah and she said I could have gone to draw this I could have gone to parties yeah she said but they drew me in and the love I felt yeah was the love I could have gotten from you if I was home yeah it wasn't yes oh my god yeah yeah yeah yes that's right that's beautiful but but really it but really well done for being so open to that because you are unusual it's beautiful you should feel what a mom what a mom everybody yes No so this is a rule that I learned from a rabbi all awakened it's very important rule yes philosophy doesn't get in the way of healthy relationships if the relationships healthy anyway it's not a philosophical thing that's going to get in the way sometimes it could be a trigger to the uncovering of an unhealthy situation but you have to have a healthy relationship don't because I use the dishwasher for me Jerry yes don't yeah do mean me yes yes yeah I respect you you respect me absolutely absolutely okay the final thing that I want to put it along with this body concept thank you so much for sharing it's beautiful really special and I hope yours also knows that she's lucky okay excellent okay the other piece of this and this is also really key and it's really part of the body piece and it's community it was mentioned before okay it's community so did any of you ever watch the documentary hold on I'll remember the name fat sick and nearly dead no fat sick and nearly dead no okay it's an amazing documentary anybody hear about juicing yes okay so juicing is a craze and it's a craze because of this documentary this is the documentary that got juicing off the ground okay fat sick and nearly dead okay as it is okay it was a very interesting documentary the follow the lives of people who were committing to make differences in their own health and their life through juicing and it you know it's this one who's this way in a miracle story and though yeah as you would expect from a documentary what was amazing about this documentary is that five years later there was a follow-up documentary which is very brave because it's very sensationalist to take all the great stories but he went back to those success stories to see where everybody was doing and some people hadn't maintained their success and some people had failed badly which is a very humble thing I thought on the part of the book you you know so instead of focusing on food the guy who was in charge of the documentary focused on something else what's the difference between those people who maintain it and of his people who don't and he did a lot of psychological studies and that was the answer community this man credit to him gave up his business and opened a website to offer community to everybody who was part of his program because it's very much easier to do things in the context of people who support you community might be where you live that might mean moving somewhere closer community might be virtual I I see lots of amazing virtual communities of people who are supporting each other over whatsapp god bless whatsapp well I mean it drives me crazy on a daily basis but the support that it offers people who have grown together who are on a journey together it's very hard to do things on your own and we're not necessarily meant to do things on our own you see in Judaism the incredible amount of value placed on being in a community if you are on your own you're relying on your own experience that is a tough thing creates community around your community means there are other people who are like-minded they don't have to be the same they don't have to be the same journey as me but they understand the process that I'm on they're supportive of it I'm there for the for them and their weak moments and they are there for me in my weak moments because you are allowed weak moments you just want to be in a situation where those weak moments are the impetus for your next great moments and it's often friendships that are the turning point between this being a fail and this being part of the learning process it is often someone turning around and st. you it's okay I blue it's here let's do this together again okay find yourself in whatever your growth is whether your growth is psychological physical people who go to the gym have an easier time exercising the people that you know watch insanity it's easier to do it with people who are supporting you and rooting you on it is we are a huge beautiful organism it's the it's it's the world and it breaks down into the Jewish people and it breaks down into your communities and your tribes that is how we function God is one and we're not one we're separate so the equivalent for one that's one is separate is unification unification is what gives us the strength to continue what's good for us find yourselves communities bribe your bodies learn so that you come to a point where you've had your insight and are not living off the power of somebody else is inside and if you make sure that your journeys are bringing joy and blessing to your life you'll find that it is not impossible to sustain because we don't do well with deprivation we do well with abundance and I bless us all that we choose our journeys successfully that we have friends to support us and we maintain our growth