Body and Soul Retreat 2018 Josh Brody What Histories Villians Teach Us about Greatness

good morning everyone you know I was thinking was I actually went home last night yeah I mean I'm either the best father ever or a total sucker I so my son - my boys had head school this morning so my wife and I decided that if we're going to come to the weekend which we obviously wanted to come so we had to leave Saturday night because my boys had you Shiva Sunday morning I don't want them to miss and my plan was I just all planned out my plan was that I would you know we stay a little bit Saturday night it maybe get something to eat and then we'll go home and get home at a normal time I've never as a parent I'd never understood the draw of a live game show and my my boys were just like no we are not leaving and every five guys we're not leaving without leaving and then it's like I turn around it's midnight my nine-year-old is standing there with a plate of pizza french fries and waffles and okay this is good we gotta go we gotta go so I I did get home sold like 1 o'clock in the morning and then I had to get up earlier to drive here this morning so I care what I think I assume everyone here or what does they even later than I did so this is so I'm not the only zombie walking around it's really kind of crazy so one of the wonderful things about coming to a weekend like this is that you have a certain amount of just inspiration that you get and you feel like really charged up and it really hit me actually this morning this morning I went to shul to Davin and I walked in to show all this my regular place I was like I don't want to be here or I want to be back there like you're there you're in sort of this cocoon this bubble that is just you know full of energy and so exciting and there's something that has this level of this is right so think about it feels right and the real challenge is two things number one is there's a real serious need for extreme therapy to now understand our new relationship with food and by the way the jokes about food don't stop it but people keep laughing because it's not funny because we're like III oh this is really me I didn't need that do you know v rugelach but number two really was more Vince and a serious note is coming out of a weekend like this and what do you do with it because yeah you have something that was just that Billy you know touched you and you feel like this is unbelievable and you want it you want to take it with you mm and so the first thing you have to do you have to figure out what the it is because we all sit here and we heard a lot of the same speeches from the same people and they were just you know unbelievable yeah I have heard Charlie speak I can't even tell you how many times I mean I effect I have not heard him say something new that I have not heard in a long time it doesn't matter because every time it gets me and something different is something I hear they didn't think about before that just really makes me think about it like wow so you got it yet you got to figure out what what it is because really what we're all looking for at the end of the day and I talk about a little bit yesterday's in terms of happiness trying to find out what's gonna make us happy but part of that is also figuring out like how we can make ourselves better people because we all know deep down that making yourself a better person is really the key to being happier so questions if you want to figure out how to become better and how to grow so how do you do that there's got to be some sort of approach that we can take to figure out how to make yourself a better person so I say is it something interesting if you want and a lot of fields of study if you want to learn about something a certain subject the right way to truly understand it is to study the exact opposite or do you want to be a police officer you don't study how people uphold the law and don't drive over the speed limit you know what what you learn about what causes people to break the law if you want to be a dentist you don't study you know how people brush your teeth twice a day and do all the mouthwash what they're supposed to do and have good dental hygiene you look at what causes tooth decay even for those of you with Seinfeld fans even George Costanza understood this right sometimes you just got to do the opposite do I understand something you got to do the opposite so if we want to understand if you take that logic and you apply it to our own lives I think ok how do I become great well by logical extension the thing we should be studying is how am I gonna be really bad what can I do to be bad now maybe some of you like me because I never heard this concept I thought to myself I don't need anyone to teach me how to be bad he's absolutely naturally I don't need someone to teach me about the idea of sitting on the couch binge watching Netflix while eating pizza and ice cream is that just me but it something we need to understand what it means to actually be bad so is this concept in Judaism the Hebrew was nice cotton had iris that generations go down meaning that there was a revelation that we had at Mount Sinai Shem gave us the Torah and that was something that was like the beginning of us as a nation with the Torah and subsequent generations as we move further away from that revelation at Mount Sinai were not as close to as we were further removed so we don't have the same level of sensitivity and of appreciation for it there's our spiritual greatness what we're not what what they were there's interesting story by Yaakov kamenetsky who's one of the great torah sages from last you know say 30 years he was sitting on a plane must be must been a long flight and he would have to be sitting next to somebody who was an atheist and they were engaging each other in conversation they were having discussions and over the course of the flights which I again I must have been a long flight everybody common net skis son or grandson constantly kyliekappa kept they weren't sitting near each other kept coming over to him and like can I get you anything do you need anything is everything okay you're comfortably something to drink and that's this having a few times it safety has turned for my common etske and said understand it I've got kids our grandkids that are interested in talking to me but your grandson or son it's just constant waiting on you hand and foot what's what's the deal sorry I can't ask you said well it's pretty straightforward we believe that human beings were created by God and we had a revelation at Mount Sinai and as you get further away in the generations you're further away from that revelation and as a result they look at me as being closer to that great revelation so they afford me a lot of respect you think me descended from apes your kids think your generation closer to apes why would they give you any respect but this is idea the spiritual greatness has you know sort of declined over time the same thing applies when it comes to what it means to really be wicked so the really good word I could come up with why could we do the wicked we see wicked things all the time obviously we saw horrific things happen yesterday in Pittsburgh in our arms that our hearts go out to our brothers and sisters in Pittsburgh but even that type of wickedness is something about that's a little bit different than what it used to be because the same way that you had someone who could understand and appreciate God because he was closer you had somebody who understood and appreciated what God was all about that God runs the world and said I don't care I'm gonna fight against you got any ways which is amazing tell us is like what like it seems crazy but that's but how people acted true wickedness came from not just I'm not interested it came from I know exactly what's going on and I'm gonna fight against it anyways so if you look at some an example of extreme wickedness you can use that as a guidepost to learn from that and understand what it means to achieve true greatness so the first place to start really is the first crime in the Torah now by the first crime in the Torah I'm not talking about what happened with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden because that's really not what I think it was a crime it's more of a call it lack of self-control and inability to control what they wanted with it with it what they want if when I should have told them to be doing mm-hmm actual first crime in the term referring to is really Cain killed his brother remember the story they broke brought sacrifices God seemed to show Abelson favor Cain decided enough and he's gonna kill him now for those of you who are blessed with siblings we all know what it's like to fight with something I get to speaking for myself I have an older brother who's a year and a half older than I am and we had some some pretty epic battles we're growing up and and if I had a dime for every time one of us said I'm gonna kill you I would have retired a long time ago we never actually did it I mean ma'am have tried once whatever but no no you say he's but Cain actually killed him and again keep in mind who Cain was he was essentially the third human being that was ever created he understood exactly who God was he had a level of prophecy T we can't even and he still said no I don't care I know God's not gonna be happy with this but I'm gonna do it anyways what causes somebody to act that way knowing without any doubts no rationalizations that I'm just gonna do it anyways so robust give us a very interesting explanation look at what happened Cain brings an offering God seems to be lukewarm about it Abel brings one and gods all over it and it's very excited by it Cain looked at himself and looked at a bowl and said you know we're the only two sons of Adam at this point he may have assumed that Adam was gonna have any more kids the descendants of the world are gonna come from the two of us and as between the two of us God favors him what does that leave me and my descendants we're gonna be nowhere he was afraid he was afraid for himself and his descendants they were gonna have no place in the world so what does he do premeditated murder the rabbi's go through the explanation of exactly what was happening and it wasn't just he kind of lost control one time in it he actually award Abel into murder cream it wasn't she wasn't sure how to commit murder at that point you know always never never been done before and to figure out how to do it but the fear drove him to act in a way that was rational or not but it was inappropriate for sure at the very least and this idea that fear can cause us to do things that we wouldn't otherwise do it's you know it's almost doesn't even need an axe any explanation right it's one story I had a had a neighbor weed when I first moved into my house about 20 years ago older couple and I had the opportunity you know got to know them a little bit you know their kids are much older and we got a house a long time ago and I used to walk him home from from shul Friday nights and these were these guys you know it's oldest week old enough to be my grandfather super tough it is a super tough guy and one time this happened I added about five six years ago he and his wife were crossing the street and they got hit by a car and you know I got the news I rushed home from work it was you know a terrible terrible day when my other neighbors was the EMT that took them to the hospital and he told was telling me the story that this this this this man after he got hit by the car he was actually okay relatively speaking tough guy but something happened when he got to the hospital he just I mean I had a know a better way to put up in this a he start to freak out and he had a heart attack otherwise would have survived but the fear took over it caused an involuntary reaction in him because he was afraid and this is the kind of thing that when you look at it began from the lens of how it causes us to act and behave it's pretty overwhelming now I don't want you to think that it just didn't make me maybe Kane was it but it's a bit of an outlier even though I think we all know it's not the truth but let's move a little further in the tour one of the greatest villains in the Torah was Jacob's twin brother hasteth and how did a sub treat Jacob well first he wanted to kill him and then later even after years later when they when they reconciled a sub essentially had to move away and the Torah says that he left where he was me PA Yaakov Oliva because of Yaakov his brother and again where I was explained he's like I can't be around this guy he's too much for me who I was what was the issue that ASA phase and everything what was he worried about drys explained because ASA constantly measured himself against Yaakov where do how do I stack up against him and he always found himself lacking and he basically had a choice he could try to work on his own self-esteem make himself a better person or he could kill Yaakov and give him the choice okay I'm gonna kill him is that rational to make any sense he's killing him gonna make you any happier you know and even getting you when they when they made up yours later ASA moved away and there's peace with you them right you think at that point okay now now maybe things are fine like you know that somebody you here you know you find yourself competing against a little bit when you're growing up and you know you get to a point in your you're both relatively successful at some point you say okay I don't care what this guy thinks anymore I'm but a zoo couldn't couldn't get over that and there was a certain fear that he had that I'm just not good enough and that forced him to again first try to kill Yaakov and then ultimately to move away and can you say when you start looking through the Torah from this lens through this lens you start to see that it really just repeats itself over and over again so it's you know fast forward a little bit in Egypt chooser in Egypt and the story's pretty straightforward Paro Pharaoh decides he's you know he's worried about the Jews what's he was specifically worried about well then she'll just read the words in the Torah he was worried that there would be an attack and not that the Jews would necessarily take over but that they'd leave and he and as a result he decided to him to enslave them now think about this for a second not that much earlier Egypt was facing a there was a worldwide famine and one guy saved Egypt from not just financial ruin but be turned it into the richest country in the world it was Joseph if weren't for him Egypt was toast just like the rest of the world Joseph was dead he's no longer around but his kids were around and they were serving in in the government they were acting as loyal citizens in fact not only did they not want to leave but they're actually trying to assimilate into Egyptian society as much as they could and yet parla this fear I'm afraid I'm afraid they're gonna leave him afraid they're gonna take her I don't know what is it I don't know what I'm on what he's afraid of he's afraid of something and as a result he takes what could have been actually from his own perspective I put aside spirituality and God's plan for the world think about from powers perspective he had what was the greatest asset in the world at his disposal right Jewish bankers lawyers and doctors all right and what does he do he enslaves them I mean what a waste why because he was afraid and you know what actually starts seeing here is this is a bit of a little bit of a side point deserves a complete separate talk I guess is this is where as you start to see the beginning of organized anti-semitism where Jews are treated differently because of the fact that they're Jews and the fear that people feel relating towards us as Jews causes them to act in a way that that you know again just doesn't really make any sense and at a spiritual level there's a there's a source for this which is the idea that Torah tells the rabbi I sell said Hashem went around her the nations of the world whatever exactly this means and offered them the tower and said are you interested and everyone everywhere other nation turned it down said no thanks we don't we're not doing that and the Jew said no no we want that there's a there's an awesome responsibility and an opportunity that comes with taking the Torah we want it what happens all the other nations of the world realize what we have again this isn't a spiritual level it's much deeper than just a question of understanding how individuals are behaving nowadays but they saw we have may it's like the ultimate FOMO they have the Torah we don't we could not okay in fact when I was in the the JW men's trip I guess and that was a week and a half ago so we do that we go to Yad Vashem the the Israeli Holocaust Memorial and we're on the tour and the tour guide Gavin and David Sussman I'm here any of you ever had him he's absolutely fantastic he's explaining what was specifically Hitler's problem with the Jewish people and I never really heard that described this way before but he said because Hitler's perspective on the world and life was might makes right it's all about the physical if you can do it you can do it and don't let anybody stop you and you looked at the Jewish people and said whoa a second morality at what's morality I don't morality if I can do it I can do it no one could stop me I was gonna do it look at the Jewish people and said they're the source of morality in the world I can't have that I can't have them around they need to go and that was what started his whole march towards a destruction of jewelry but and it's really a bit of a side point but it's important thing to recognize but you see things are happening in the world and it's like hard to make sense times of war they just leave us alone this is an underlying spiritual cause to that that you have to appreciate you know you're not gonna make it go away and assimilation in some respects sometimes makes it worse we think though I'll be like them and they'll leave me alone and it's actually again it defies logic but this is just how these things it end up working anyway so you go back to fear for a second so now we have an understanding an idea that fear drives us to do things that just often don't make any sense and a lot of what times what happens is and you when you see this we just talk about in terms of what happened with how Perot is treating the Jewish people but fear causes a lack of trust and and you're afraid of something that something is gonna happen and then you ant you behave in a way to try to prevent it when the reality is that's not what's happening at all it was all in your head but the fear causes us to act in a way that doesn't make any sense and cause us to crazy things now one of the things about this that's an amazing idea is it absolutely is the key to understanding how to resolve any interpersonal conflicts because now that you know that the real secret to being wicked is is fear so when someone's acting in a way that makes a real problem for you and causes causing you difficulties what do you do so I have a second this person's afraid of something what is it I don't know me you got to figure that out and once you know that there's an underlying cause what's making them behave the way that they are you can take a totally different approach it's really no different than when you know you're five or six year old is you're throwing a temper tantrum about something that is just irrelevant we as parents we know it has nothing to do with what he's throwing a temper tantrum about it's the fact that he or she is tired right and when you know that's like okay I'm not gonna get upset I can deal with this because I know what's causing this so when you're dealing with another per individual human being it's the same thing there's something that's causing them to behave the way that they that they are and when you understand it there's there's a different cause there at least from a perspective of not getting upset not trying to overcome and sort of force your way into resolution like hey I got a deal with the per this person's issues which of course by the way isn't that's other another unbelievable idea it's the same thing for ourselves right how many times do we act in a way that's irrational we look back on how we behaved or like what was I thinking because there's a fear factor there was something that was there that was making us worry about whatever and whatever it is but trying to understand what your own root causes of what's causing you to behave the way that you are in your life gives you an ability to say let's take a step back hey okay tsegga deep breath we think about what's happening really here what's causing me to behave the way that I'm behaving you know and in a lot of ways and by the examples of this by the way you know you can I'm sure I don't have to give any because people know you know you know our own lives this isn't it's universal fur fur for people but at one example that this one I always think it was like his his aunt shows you how it can work on a grand scale thing what caused World War one well it's the technical cause but Kaiser Wilhelm was basically afraid that the English and the French were conspiring against him and he decided he needed to do a little saber rattling and he did that and the English and the French looked at each other and said you gotta take care of this guy he's gonna call you he's gonna cause some problems the thing that he was afraid of his fear caused him to actually bring into being and we think about our own pertinent personal relationships how many times does something that were afraid of caused us to act in a way towards someone that is actually going to cause the problem that we have and wasn't thinking I you know I've learned is that if they got more of a guy issue I think than it is for for the women in the room it was like to actually make yourself vulnerable to somebody else I'm difficult that is how many husbands and wives are afraid of actually being honest with each other and vulnerable I'm afraid of what my wife is going to think so I don't want to share with her and what happens when I don't share well she's no you know we're closed off and we can't communicate and that causes more problems because the fear that we have in our head is what causes us to actually have the difficulty in the first place if it weren't for that fear then you know we would actually be able to get over it and move forward do the things that we need to do you know think about it when we're angry with somebody somebody does something it upsets us how many times are we upset because we see what they did is really a threat to our own self-image and why because were afraid we're afraid of something of what people are going to think of or how things are gonna turn out and as a result we get angry with someone when it's not about them it's about us and you could try you know try to control everyone all people in the worlds but as much as you want it's not gonna help you have to learn how to conquer your own fear but is the end of the day if the secret to being wicked is being afraid the secret to being great is overcoming your fear that's what you have to do because we want to change you're sitting here at this amazing weekend it's and it's just fantastic and we're all gonna go home and we're just I learned some amazing things over Shabbos whatever it is what everyone for everyone it's different and I learned something amazing and I want I'm gonna do this and then we get home and it's maybe not why not because we're afraid and I say we I mean me I mean this is I think about the things that in my own life that I want to change and they're something that just there's a bit it's a mental block that's there that I can't get over you know just to give you one example so everyone know this is again universal gossip Russian Hara is bad we're really bad but how many times am i standing around with my friends and then somebody thinks a joke at someone else's expense and and and I'm thinking myself you know what I want to say is guys mom let's just let's not but my brain is telling me is oh really you know they're gonna say to you oh look at this guy thing cuz I'm oh mr. holier-than-thou you think you're such a great cut and I know I keep my mouth shut and more sorry I even join in I want to be accepted because I'm afraid I'm afraid of how people are gonna react to me if I want to show them that I'm interested in becoming a better person and achieving actual actual growth and what's crazy is the craziest part and I know this because with my friends all of them are thinking the same thing every single guy is sitting there sewing kappa shouldn't be doing this why are we doing this but nobody's willing to take that first step and it's break through the fear and get everyone else to think oh yeah you're right good one right not only is my fear holding me back but I just you know any one of us we could be the hero boy doesn't we want to do it I mean how sad is that so I think and and and and what I like to try to do sometimes I have the opportunity to speak of our audience is to really be as as practical as we can and I mentioned this yesterday you know you know and in my legal practice I found that you could be the most brilliant legal scholar in the world you can't come up with a practical solution nobody cares I know you could be Clarence Darrow and it's like yay you know figure out a way to get this done otherwise not interested corporate bankruptcy so figuring out what type of fear that we have is definitely step one and there's a lot of different ways that the these types of fear can manifest themselves but if we're gonna talk about fear for a second it's very very important to understand what fear is and what it's not fear really exists in our minds right now fear is not necessarily a bad thing fear is something that actually it's almost like I think of it as a human safety device because we didn't have fear we pretty to probably do some things that are pretty stupid and sometimes you need that fear to actually keep yourself in check we all know somebody who just says no I had this this one associate used to work for me brilliant guy he was really fantastic he literally just did not care what I lost thought he no fear okay which was great except he had a tendency to do things that were really really stupid and I like you know it would be great if you were a little nervous sometimes that would make things really you need that a little bit not yeah when I was driving here this morning I saw a billboard for a for a movie that's coming out I think next week of Bohemian Rhapsody you know but the rock band Queen and the the tagline on the Billboard was fearless lives forever except Freddie Mercury died when he was pretty young it was fearless good we'll get that we'll go to that to him so fear is not necessarily a bad thing but understanding what the point or where what the crux of the fear is is critical and there's a couple different ideas in terms of the way Fury manifests it may manifest itself that is very important to recognize the difference if you want to start thinking about how to conquer it so for example you could have me talk to us a little before already even fear of rejection you were afraid if I that if I'm vulnerable to somebody they're gonna reject me and I'm nobody likes being rejected and like you know early on in a relationship you know Verne's on their best behavior you know when you're dating it's always very exciting at the beginning and because well you know you're getting to know somebody it's fresh it's new but there's a certain level of I'm not going to say certain things that the first time you tell somebody I love you and you're just like and if they don't say I love you back and you just like if I die but I think if some of that happens to it can be really just crushing because you put yourself out there and that fear of rejection I mean then that means that the next time you know what I'm not doing that again not going through that again so if you're a rejection it's very very real and a similar idea fear of standing out I don't go along to get along I don't want to be different I just want people to want to be part of the crowd now what we see this mean these are kind of things that you can talk about them and you think Oh God give me a break it's another like you know after-school special movie the kid who was afraid he's gonna stick out so he just goes along and next thing you know he's you know breaking in a farmer Brown's barn and you know he's breaking a window and I just said oh god the good kids father's got to sit him down you know it's very important to do the right thing I just wanted to fit in dad but we as adults we do the same thing I mean how often do we find ourselves in a situation where we're thinking I'm just I don't want to I don't know rock the boat I don't wanna stand out I wanna be do I don't want to be different I just want to be part of the gang now there's another type of fear it's oh and seems have a tendency to be somewhat similar but again manifests differently which is fear of failure I mean I went to law school because I'm risk-averse iiiiii I hate risk no I have clients I want to get too deep into this if it's very boring but I have clients where I see their hedge funds they they they they and they invest in you know in distress companies and these guys make a lot of money right but the risk they have a tolerance for risk and they just know where what's a good risk what's not obtainable at that stuff you know it's like I'm like the total sucker who's like oh this thing's that's it we gotta go now almost like the thing that's been on sale forever they're not running out don't worry it's a certain fear of failing that I to me it's it's very tough but if your fear if you're afraid of failing risk is not a bad thing failing is not a bad thing failing is actually critical yeah there's a total separate talk for what you know how you deal with fear of failing and the fact that failure is what makes us grow but if you have that fear of failure it says that I'm just I'm just not doing that I took my my 14 year old son to Israel okay so about two years ago for the pre permits a trip just the two of us and so one day we went to one of the two into Gush Etzion and we did this like this is great like tactical weapons training which is really cool and afterwards they have like he's the world's second longest zipline and Wow doesn't describe it so anything so you can go one at a time I think you can go to a time we said we're gonna go one of the times my son gets up there and he goes okay zipline me it's not that big a deal and like I walk up the steps and I'm standing on this like platform and I could barely even see the other side but I can see is this massive ravine you could barely see the bottom of it I'm like okay I just yeah I'm not doing this I'm not doing this and you know this is really guys like oh no what what's the problem I I'm not doing this but I see my son who's like halfway across about nah it's a 20-minute drive back to it to where you started and I'm like he's got like I don't have a choice if I don't go he'll kill me literally he'll going so I I was terrified but I like fear of failure fear something bad happening I got to do it it was anyway I growing up I you know very type of a personality as you may have noticed and I couldn't handle rollercoasters could not do him I mean I was like a biggest wimp and I was one of the biggest wimp and wimps in my life I got friends in rollercoasters and I'm just sitting on the side I cannot do them cuz I can't handle not be in control till that first time I was 30 I went on a roller coaster yeah I can't believe I'm admitting that publicly and the first time you do just like I was like what am I even missing my whole life is like so crazy but there's a certain fears I am I'm not doing it violent right driving I am NOT doing it now I've gotten I've gotten over that right by the way so now nowadays I'm like my my daughter's I mean just chill go on anything and they get if it has the word death in the title she is in and I'm going under way this roller coaster like going up like slowly going up and I'm like what am I doing this for I've kind of proven I can do this I'm not interested anymore but no good things you do for our kids but this fear of failure fear fear of things going wrong it's just strong driver and holding us back from from changing what we want to be and that actually rings us to the type of fear that I find is actually the most difficult to deal with which is fear of change we like comfort you like what we know then why is it well I mean some people aren't like that some people like love changing things up all the time why do we have such a fear of change well the fear of the unknown but things another part to it and this is especially true when it comes to our own lives if I change the way I'm doing something then I'm acknowledging I've been doing it wrong until now I'm not gonna admit that I'm gonna through my behavior show everyone that I've been doing it wrong for the last 30 40 50 years maybe what a blow to your ego it's just so overwhelming just I forget it I'm not doing it it's not necessarily even the comfort of it it's I can't acknowledge I've been doing something wrong and we find our own life so often that that's what holds us back I can't I can't I can't do it I can't admit I'm right what do you acknowledge that for the first time and you start to realize it okay not now you're starting to get somewhere so let's just talk for a minute again being as practical as we can about how to overcome our fear and we said this a minute ago that fear is all in our minds sometimes it's a good thing but it only exists in our mind yeah I think about my 9 year old son he has to be a kind of horror tremendous athlete and I watch him play baseball hockey whatever it is and he is afraid of nothing he plays shortstop I mean this happened he was already I was the NOC I started get watch our kids playing sports so this goes I think was 2 years ago so he was 7 playing shortstop and some kid just smashes one up the middle of the field he goes flat out he's completely vertical to make this crazy catch hits the ground hard I'm like oh my god that was amazing no problem gets back up just off I mean yummy afterward it was it hurts me because he came down hard next please doing it again my wife he started playing hockey my wife took a video of him he's like just diving like throwing his body in there no problem doesn't worry it's no problem he saw a spider the size of a millimeter in his bathroom and he would not go in there for a month because he was terrified what he actual pain no problem a spider that will you could just literally did nothing terrified because it's here whatever it is that's something that that's an it's an issue for him but when we start to recognize that these issues are all in our mind ok so now we can start to get somewhere and actually accomplish something so I don't get shared through an exercise that I learned from a psychologist on the West Coast her name is dr. Marilyn wedge she's acted Stanford I believe and she came with this idea well if fear is all on our heads well you know we can actually control that a little bit so I thought they said where I learned about this the just so you can appreciate how it works many people you know fly all the time turbulence never bothered me at all big deal about six years ago my wife and I were flying back from Florida and it was where you know starts getting a little bumpy and I'm gonna kind of fall into sleep and something out it feel like but Bob like oh my gosh my so landed already fantastic and then I hear the pilots say everyone in their seats immediately the plane starts doing this the things start popping open people are screaming I am just thinking on my at the end I was terrified what must have been what felt like two hours later what was probably you know 10 seconds the pilot comes on I apologize this kind of thing you know sometimes we can't always predict the turbulence is gonna be and so sorry from that point forward I was an absolute nervous wreck flying I mean III managed to get myself on the plane but I I just I couldn't sit still I mean I had flight to Denver a few years ago and it was I think the flight flight left her like you know noon yeah I'm sitting there they asked them you know the flight had two Bourbons please if there's just not otherwise I just can't make it through exactly and I was it was becoming some a paralyzing for me because I gotta fly I mean I that places ago I've got you work family vacations I'd say cannot I can't stop flying so I was doing some research any people anyone has a fear of flying you the research I'm like the the odds of anything dangerous or you know really bet or crash happening when you're flying is significantly less than getting into a fatal car accident I mean it's not is like not even close but I never have any concern about getting in the car and driving somewhere so doctor wedge says is okay look if fear is all in our heads well we can control our thought process some what's with a little bit of training so here's what you do and this exercise the first time I read about it I thought it was a little bit crazy it made no sense to me but once you start doing it you see it actually starts to work so you go into a room and you set a timer for 15 minutes and maybe before you do that it's the a little bit of time thinking okay I'm interested in doing X I had something at this weekend that was really unbelievable it really inspired me I want to change something whatever it is but I it's not happening for me maybe wait a day or so and spend is happening what is the problem I try to drill down a little but for yourself in this takes pay this is this is not easy this takes work think about what is it specifically that's causing me it's holding me back that I'm afraid of one or a room set a timer on your phone for she suggests 15 minutes I found that to be little bit hard to do is I was closer to doing 5 to 10 min no distractions and just sit there and think about the worst possible things you can think of when you get to flying I think about who's gonna be turbulence I'm gonna crash I'm gonna do all the horrible things you can think of do nothing but think of that for 5-10 minutes which sounds crazy think well why am i torturing myself are you crazy why would I want to do that for when the when the timer goes off you know what's gonna happen you know put your phone away you're gonna get up you're gonna walk out of that room and go back to life and if you do this enough times you start training yourself to realize it's the fear that I'm feeling I can turn it on and off I can go in a room and start it and I can leave that room and stop it and so when the thing that's holding you back when the actual fear you're at that moment when you want to do something and the fears stop and you say hey fear one second I'm turning you off the timer's off we're done and as simplistic as that sounds it works I got myself I can fly again you know but it's this idea of recognizing that the things that are in our head that holds us back are things that we can control and one swim them that we learned that we can control them we can take all the inspiration that we've had here and take it with us and actually use it in our lives and I says and with it with a blessing for all of us we had this opportunity was amazing Shabbos together and then one no more no more jokes about food was amazing Shabbos together we we're in this bubble and this cocoon was amazing and we're going back to real life and we could take something with us we can do it they can actually make our lives better make us happier people we just got to realize that the secret to being great is overcoming the fear that's holding us back if a wonderful rest of your day