Body and Soul Retreat 2018 Shlomo Farhi Motzaei Shabbos

shovel at 12:00 I'm sure this must have been the most amazing Shabbat all the reports that I've got so far are nothing short of miraculous and amazing I regret that I couldn't be here with you but I do have for Shabbat Soph a year and I also have six children and if I want to stay married and I used one of my four on you we would have a problem so tonight we're talking about the power of effective communication and how important it is this idea of effective communication in any relationships it underpins every single relationship no matter what we're talking about if this is a husband wife it it if it is parents and children if it's friends it's coworkers it doesn't make a difference the most important thing in the world for two human beings to get along is the ability to communicate now Torah has a lot to say about this the very first human being Adama rashon when he is created the Torah describes him it describes this moment as God breathing within ma-a a spirit and the spirit is translated and uncle is by the translator as a rua me Malala a spirit of speech that means that from its inception humanity was designed primarily to be communication beings and what is fascinating to note is that immediately after God came creates this first human being what is the very first thing that happens after this human being is left alone after he does his first few jobs he has a moment to be there by himself and God says lot of hayata Adam Lovato it is not good for man to be alone I want to draw home the importance of this phrase every single thing that God had made up until that point was called good God created light and he saw the end of that day and God said it was good and God said it was good and God said it was good there's one thing that God made that was not good lot of hey yo Adam Lovato loneliness divisions between people those are not good if ever there was a time to understand the nature of how not good divisions are between people it is as we reflect over the last couple hours as the horrific reports have been coming in about our brothers and sisters being mowed down I think the number now is eleven people dead in 14 injured because of divisions between people because of an inability to communicate to speak to one another so this is of paramount importance however this world topic this topic which I think is relevant to each and every person is a topic that could take us a very long time so I'm going to try and squeeze as much as I can into the time that we have together Roberta ladies and gentlemen the very first mistake that people make when they think about communication is that they think communication is speaking communication is not about speaking in fact quite often the very act of speaking is the parallel opposite of communicating in the initial term of communication its root word is rooted in the word in Latin again I wrote it down here because my my father's from Syria so I'm part Arabic and my mother's from Germany I'm part Irish but I'm zero parts land so forgive me communicate which is a verb and it means to make something common to many to be able to share a common space through the use of speech how much of our speech is accomplishing that and how much of our speech is actually pushing people further away what about the way that we talk brings people together allows you to use your slips in Hebrew these are called FIFA time and the reason why they are called sefa time is because sit at the edge the words fat means edge it's at the edge of the human body in fact on a biological level it's the only part of your body there which sits on the outside which matches the inside the your a notice that before most of your epidermis or skin looks different than this little part which looks more like this form that's not a design flaw it's called stiff a time it's called the edge because this is the precipice it's where inside meets outside where internal and external come together where I can show you and share with you that which is inside my innermost heart so Roberta if we are trying to communicate we're trying to share common ground we are trying to come together so much of communication has nothing to do with speaking and it is much more about the way you see and feel and experience the other person before you even open your mouth so I'd like to talk about a few of those things I've broken them down into little pieces they're how I remember them it might not be helpful for you but it's helpful for me and that's really what matters number one it doesn't matter what you said what matters is what they heard one of the most beautiful laws of this universe that I've ever come to be able to understand through my learning of Torah is and it's a bit of a tongue twister you ready for this one we do not experience experiences we experience the way we experience experiences thank you very much no I do not have a stutter let's try that one more time we do not experience experiences we experience the way we experience experiences so let's break that down for a minute imagine you sitting at home and all the sudden there's a noise downstairs pum pum pum pum how many of you by the way raise your hand let's be honest for one second we're we met like three minutes ago who we're friends right how many of you have when you hear a sound in the night a robber plan now have you not developed a robber plant a robber plan is when you in your mind envision first of all the places where you can hide second of all all the sharp or blunt objects in between you and the front door that you could potentially use as a weapon anyone know just me I guess it only happens when you're robbed yeah you got it as well all right okay by the way I think I mean it's only fair I'm flee about thirty percent of the room had a robber plan I just feel that you mean I doze anyone here in insurance it's a room full of Jews no no not anyone scammed insurance is there anyone here in insurance anyone I believe I feel that anyone who has a robber plan should have a lower premium on their homes because we've got a plan those other people they're just running around things like bumper the night so this experience imagine you're in your room and all of a sudden something is moving something is making noise you don't know what to do you start flipping out you call out you go do you Connor that's my wife's name you shouldn't yell Hana that would be weird this is not part of my plan that I'm using for everybody else right so you yell out your wife say is that you not it's not your wife now you're getting nervous yeah like you kids names in order yeah try that right and eventually no one answers but you're sure you heard that noise and you run downstairs and your heart is pounding you are not being robbed maybe there's a mouse in your living room you are not being robbed maybe your house is doing that weird thing that houses do when it changes in weather we get fatter when it's you know maybe that happens the house is ooh don't judge you don't even know me Robert I are you with me on this in that moment the fear is real the trauma is real you're not experiencing an experience you're experiencing the way you're experiencing in experience if your child feels bullied in school whether or not they were actually bullying is nearly irrelevant if someone feels that you don't care enough about them because you're not communicating your love does it matter that you love them or not irrelevant heard this joke once I mean I'm Safari so I'm allowed to say this if any of you say this I'm going to sue you woman comes to a Sephardic husband that says how come you never say that you love me she was Ashkenazim so she said so he says I don't understand I told you I love you under the coop I have something to tell you if someone doesn't feel loved it doesn't matter that you love them it doesn't matter that you feel that you're communicating it enough they're not hearing it so one more time rule number one it doesn't matter what you said what matters is what they heard and often what we're trying to say is having the exact opposite effect of what we are anticipating about what we're trying to teach I remember when I was a young man yesterday when I was driving in Israel down a down one of the streets and I noticed that one of the malleus boys was sitting there outside the mirror yeshiva it's nearly three years this week that we lost Hannah marvelous I will speak a little bit about her tomorrow a amazing couple from Israel whose hearts were enormous they welcomed everyone into their home orphan you could find a hundred and fifty people crammed into their living room dining room space they did not have a big living room dining room space they had the custom that some people do where they would wash before kiddush some people do that because they can't be bothered to get out of their chairs in the maquas home that was the custom because you could not get out of your chair once you sat down everyone was strategically packed into benches like sardines and one day I'm driving and I see this boy honey mek'leth have the hair son and I pull up and ask him if he wants a ride home I'm not a tonic he lived next door he says to me sure he gets in the car and immediately I asked him the following question I said can I ask you a question I don't know why we start that way does anyone know why we do that that's just an unnecessary first question we're not getting paid by the question pointless either way so I said can I ask you a question and he says yes and I say you know I'm sure that your parents are desperate to inculcate each and every one of your children or their children with a love and a desire and an ambition to do beautiful HESA to welcome people into the home I said but there's 16 of you can I in a hora now maybe you have one or two or three or four or five hours seven or eight or nine or ten or eleven or twelve or thirteen or fourteen or fifteen that are cool with it but that last one like what if you just wanted a quiet meal what if you just wanted to eat and go to sleep what if you had an exam so maybe instead of teaching the children to love hesed maybe they were teaching their kids to resent it Wow you know that and I thought I got him and he smiles at me and this is the difference between great communicators and us he says you're absolutely right that's why there was a sign of my front row that says that dinner starts for everybody at 7:00 p.m. before which we had an entire other dinner for our family where we did kiddush did the challah did the meal did the benching finish the entire meal and any of the children that wanted to stay for a meal number two for everybody call haka vote great but if you wanted that quiet time you had it they weren't aware of the fact that sometimes what we're putting out what we're trying to say is actually communicating the opposite to the people we are trying to communicate it to if anyone here has ever tried to force their teenage children to do things they don't want to do can I get a hallelujah I never thought I would get that by the way that was amazing Thank You King David for that one do you understand this so we're harassing the child with what we think we want them to do but actually the result is exactly the opposite it's so important and I'm going to quote you the Gemara the talmud says in you've a mote on page 65 the person who left was never gonna check right but now you know and you can say this and impress your friends the Talmud any of our motto page 65 B by the way says the Aymara be light rebellion everybody laughs s in the name of rabbi Elazar barb shame on you shame shame it's valid amla murabba Enoshima just like it is a mitzvah to tell somebody the varnish must something which can be heard a bit of talk like ah a bit of buek a bit of constructive criticism just as it's a mitzvah to encourage and to teach someone when they can hear what you're going to say car mitzvah al adhim shel Olam r de vache no Mitzvah generally Sh'ma it is a mitzvah to not say something that someone cannot hear could you imagine not saying something and getting a mitzvah holy cow that's amazing the Talmud continues ready al mare revi ABBA taught it's not that you get a mitzvah for keeping stone but rather hava it's an obligation you're obligated you're not allowed to say something to someone that you know that they cannot hear I feel like sometimes we need to rethink the entire way we communicate with teenagers sometimes we need to rethink the entire way we communicate with our spouses when they are angry let me carry on rule number two if communication is about bringing people together if it's ruinin Molalla if it's an ability to communicate and immediately afterwards he's this communication being and God brings him every other creature on earth and Adam looks at the giraffe and he says it's not for me to talk then he looks at the dung beetle I don't need to go there he looks at all the various things and says not for me and finally he sees lava that God creates him because looked over your time if I don't he knows that it's her because she was the only other communication being in the world if that's what it's about unifying people make them see that you are on the same team so often the visual is two people on opposite sides of the table trying to move the line push the boundary further to you closer to me whichever way make you but if you could change the dye hammock we each of the people involved understood that it was me and you against the problem look everybody has teenagers everybody has kids and your kids are gonna want a smartphone and they're gonna want technology what are you gonna do about it what do you do about it have a plan talk to them about it but the last thing in the world you want is for them to feel that it's mean technology against you it's me and the friend that you don't want me to hang out with against you it's me and the girl that I want to date against you know it's my job as a parent to look out for you and I might be getting this wrong but this is why I'm thinking what I'm thinking hear me out the minute that people are looking together at a problem everything changes I remember reading an amazing quote from a man whose name was Antoine de saint-exupéry I think I pronounced that right I'm not French sorry Santa you'd be an A I knew it had to be something like that can I just give a detour here because you guys mind if I go on a detour I'm ten gently challenged is that okay I remember when I was coming back from Israel from after learning and I was gonna start going to Lakewood and start the days of my last trip out with one of my good good friends and we decided that we were gonna go on our way home we stopped in France we knew there was kosher food we were not going anywhere where there wasn't kosher food that whole thing with a George Foreman grill you bring frozen stuff not for me so we went to Paris and I asked someone as I got off a train in the area because we knew we were getting the right train we went to Euro Disney and I got off the train and I said to this guy in the most universal way possible where is Euro Disney and the guy says to me I can't do the accent so I'm gonna need to ask you he says something about not speaking do you speak French could you give that to me feed me the line parlez-vous francais I said no English but this is the universal sign for where euro you know and Disney is our word but the Sharad continued if I'm saving once apon say and I knew we knew English so he turns around to walk away and I jab my friends in the ribs and I'm like out on his own and he's about to step into the street not as he steps off the curb I say look out for the car and he jumps back a taxi don't speak English [Applause] rabbit I and Rebbetzin note I make them see that you're on the same team the quote from that person that I'm not gonna try and say it again he who shall not be named him in Baltimore love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction the challenge of solving problems with communication which is the most important time to communicate but somehow the time that we are worst at communicating in that moment try to be able to look outward in the same direction don't look at them would love look together at the problem and if there's not the shame they see that then they'll know that this is not you trying to angle for your agenda but rather you trying to help them get to the better place number three we could go all night but we're not gonna have all night we have about 10 more minutes okay number three understand someone's communication even when they are incapable of saying it the plastic says when maschera Boehner was asked to go to save the Jewish people Moshe says to God I cannot do this it's impossible do you know why it's impossible he says he says because three things number one he says the people have not listened to me the empty Sh'ma Amy Perot and how will pyro listen to me he he's not even a slave if the slaves won't listen then for sure the king who stands a lot more to lose is not gonna listen to me so you want me to go to pyro to speak to him I can't if the people won't listen then for sure Pharaoh won't listen Vonnie arouse effort I'm an eye I have a speech impediment I can't speak properly what's fascinating to note is if you look a few persue kiemce later you'll notice that actually it says after this thing we get we go like pause it just pauses the Torah it kind of goes and says oh well let's kind of go on a detour and tell you who emotion are on our and these are abraha this is sorry this is roofing and shim ohn and LaVey and labias sir delivers great this is Moshe and our own Haman debris mare the ones that are speaking to Pharaoh it kind of goes on this tangent to tell us who motion are on our and then it says and God said to Moshe come to para and Moshe says to Hashem Moshe says to God Annie arouse if a time I have a speech impediment very Sh'ma any furrow and how will Pharaoh listen to me you remember that we kind of heard that verse already right Rashi the classic commentator on the spot looks at this and he says oh you know why this is familiar because it's the same tsuki it's the same verse we're just repeating it now because we took a break now I have two problems with Rashi problem number one the first time Moshe said how many three things he said the Jews don't listen Pharaoh won't listen and I can't speak the second time it only says I can't speak and Pharaoh and listen we don't even mention the Jews the second problem is if it's the same pursuit it should be in the same order and it's not so how could Rashi say it's the same verse and the answer to Mira bowtie is something so powerful you look at motion revena when he throws the Jews under the bus the Jews are listening but how could it be that motion would say that about the Jews that he loved so much that he fought for in the last Pasha and since you said me things are only worth God la maza Sherlock tani why are you doing this to the people you sent me you told me was going to be better and it's worse the answer is rebel tied the Torah goes on a detour to remind you who is this motion who were his parents the leaders of the Jewish people who's his mother who risked her life to be able to deliver the Jewish babies same as his sister this is the cloth from which he is cut Rashi calls them who's looking for diamonds and cannot find them until he finds the exact right to and he found the diamonds of the Jewish people this is who we're talking about now that you have the context of who we are speaking about let's look at the verse again says the Torah he's not talking about the Jewish people that's not what Moshe is trying to say Moshe is saying more than anything else how often does this happen to you I remember a student told me that they were not going to apply to Oxford they were going to check out universities and they decided they were only gonna reply to Birmingham good University not like Oxford so I said to him what's the deal and he said oh well I'd like this and I'm like berming like this I mean I got on and on and on and he goes oh yeah and also my girlfriends in Birmingham that last thing right there that let that last bit that was the bit when Moshe is talking and he says the Jews won't listen Peres won't listen that's motions and distinction angst because Moshe says I'm not the right person I told you before when you tried to convince me slack not be at Tischler to let anyone else do this let our own do it let anybody anyone would be better than me I can't do this I can't speak and when Moshe feels that way it's the last thing that he says but after understanding who he is we know it's only coming from the fact that most kids so much he wanted them to have the best person to represent them to pyro and here you get what Moshe is saying to God not I don't trust you why haven't you redeemed them but maybe God you sent me but since I went to speak to him it's only worse maybe I made it worse that's how Rashi says it's the same pursuit but then seen through the context sometimes we take the words of people so literally we forget from whence those words came what is this person's history what is their background where are they coming from when you have the context of who they are it's a completely different story you actually hear what they are saying there was a young man who came to me and introduced me to a girl that he'd been dating for a long time and the girl asked to speak to me after this meeting and she said to me rabbi I need to speak to you it's very important I said what Scott what's up she says I'm breaking up with him I said no no no no no no why are you breaking up with him this is so perfect she says because he clearly doesn't love me can't commit he can't commit and my heart broke not because she said she wouldn't carry on with it but because I knew that this boys problem was not commitment at all what I knew was that this boy had witnessed firsthand how his mom had dismantled his dad had walked out on a marriage before she walked out on their marriage but I couldn't tell her that this was the problem so I said please just give me one week trust me one week she says one week I'll give you I went back to the guy and I said you know you and I know why you haven't said Esther the question yet but she doesn't and she's miss reading the communications that you're putting out she doesn't know this part of your history this sensitivity she doesn't know that when you look at her you wonder are you going to be a repeat of his mom he managed to gather the courage and by one week later that deadline they were engaged in today they are married Robert I asked who it is that is saying these things that you don't like to hear because maybe they're coming from a place which is different ask what the history is there's what they say jive with the way that they've always behaved towards you people tell their mom said this my dad said this I said in their entire lives have your parents done anything but love you haven't done anything but support you he said no but now that she said this it's I'm walking away that the has calmed down is it at all possible that the entire history proves that you are miss reading this one state this one sentence in fact the Mishna says every dialect called hedonic of the hood we should judge every person for the billet the benefit of the doubt but a deeper insight into those words might reveal what we're discussing here have you done it call her Dominic Absolut before you judge a person on what they say what they've said to you maybe judge the whole person who are they who have they been to you what are you throwing away for this I have about three more things to say three more rules but I only have three minutes so we'll get maybe one more and if that's okay I apologize this is a tough one it's the 11th commandment in the Torah thou shalt not go over time that's why there are only 10 commandments by the way if this is what communication is it's quite difficult isn't it to understand what they're saying when they're incapable to know what they need to hear to make them see you're on the same page to understand that even if I said something maybe they're hearing it differently than the way I put it out so it's liable to make us despair but there's a beautiful pasukan Mishler said by the wisest man on earth King Solomon Kim I am a pnina pnina just as the waters reflect your face when you look into the water can lay ha ha down la Adam so too is the heart of one human being to the heart of another when you look in the water you see your reflection you see yourself in it there's no mistaking what you see somehow hearts have a way of communicating in a way that mal does do not I'm going to read you a little piece from the Shailaja kadosh where he quotes from rabbi newton and as a disagreement if it's actually from Rubino time or not but whoever it is from it is magnificent Kieko devar she and Simon have lived every single thing that really emanates from your heart even knows believe will enter into someone else's heart the call I share anything that comes only from the pair from the mouth lo yaha vara hos and will not even penetrate the ear and it was a wise man who once said says - la that if he wants to know if something was said with someone's full heart he would take this idea and turn it inside out he would look and see within himself did what they say to him resonate did that penetrate my heart and I used that if it penetrates me I know that it came from his art or from her art and if it doesn't get inside then I know that they were insincere now this idea rabbit eye is so powerful because it tells us that even we are wrong we can sometimes be right when words are said with love and care even if they're the wrong words they still have the right effect so speak to your children when you are unsure speak with heart speak with love make them understand they're on the same team and even if you get the words themselves wrong you will have communicated to them deeply enough that you love care and concern for them is real that they will get the message that you were putting out Shalaka McAlpin am i put your breads on the waters for in the many days they will come back to you Shavua Tov