CHAZAQ Event with R' Jonathan Rietti on "Dating and Marrage"

um if I could trouble you to uh please turn all your cell phones off on to vibrate out of respect to those who are trying to fall asleep why you laughing oh thought I joking okay fine I have been asked to speak on the very sensitive subject of dating and marriage I do not think there's a big mystery to why there's so much more caution in entering marriage where societ iy as a whole is losing its confidence in the institution called marriage I think one of the reasons why there's a renewed legitimization of same gender marriage is partially due because of the failing of marriage in general in society I would even venture to suggest that because Shalom Bay marriage in general has become so thwart so full of many challenges that in some cases there are young people whose parents are either divorced or separated or married but having a hard time and therefore an intelligent educated mind is going to be more careful entering into the marriage process going to be more cautious during the dating so I'm only offering this introduction as a way to to reduce any judgment that there might be on young singles who are in the dating process it's fully understandable why it might be that there's more caution and perhaps it's taking longer they say that there are three rings in life I'm sure you've heard this there's the engagement ring there's the wedding ring and then there's suffering of course it's it has no reflection on reality whatsoever it's pure humor so we're going to deal tonight with both dating and marriage and really is a lot of there is a lot of overlap so this is where I'm going to begin I'm going to ask you actually to help me along and I I ask uh forgiveness for there was one gentleman I met who uh heard part of this over Shabbat so please forgive me some of that you've already heard the list what should be on my list going into the dating process what am I looking for so help me over here what what should be on the list of what we're looking for in a marriage partner values values good values comp compatibility compatibility mid do attrac attraction personality personality ladies you got to give them some Clues money money financially responsible you want to add that in as well okay we got midot values financially responsible money attraction anything else relig religious values religious values communication communication skills it's a good list happy would you want to add that as well healthy physically emotionally if you want to add no there's a long list and these are these are good items right religious values values in general uh respectful kind generous is you should that be on the list easygoing do you want to add that don't have to yeah okay um forgiving is that how how much is that yeah you agree so now imagine that uh you have a new app and you are on a date and under the coffee table you have in your iPhone this new app which has a program that has all the items on your list and has a rating of 0 to 10 and with a you know slight touch you can give the rating of how much this young man this young lady is scoring on each one of your items on your list right attraction and just just go along with me for a few moments he she is scoring 10 out of 10 on attraction 10 out of 10 on religious values uh 10 out of 10 on financially independent secure and financially responsible um healthy happy um whatever else you want to add good sense of humor kind generous now you unknown to you underneath the other end of the coffee table he happens to have the same app and on his list of what he's looking for you are scoring on his list 0 to 10 10 out of 10 and this is the first date do you both agree you're probably going to meet to second time yes or no okay and it just continues and after a while you say this is ridiculous I'm on three dates and everything everything I'm looking for is on the it can't be true so you then go and do a little bit more investigation and you check out with um the assistant preschool teacher that he had um and then you go to a regression therapist to find out which gilgal he was in and or who he's married to in the previous life no and whoever you talk to and you ask them you know um if you gave um this guy or this girl a rating 0 to 10 for happiness for health for finances financial responsibility attraction religious values oh what would they score and and these people are all telling you oh well if you told me it's 0 to 100 i' tell you it's 100 if it's 0 to 10 I'll tell you it's 10 but really it breaks the scale they're right off the scale say whoa now would it be correct for me to say we can say mazalov yes or no yeah yeah do you agree yeah yeah we got mazalov in agreement yes yeah any hesitation the perfect the perfect partner was not born yet okay okay it will change after marriage a 10 out of the 10 oh okay so do you agree that if there's any hesitation add it to your app go on another date and check out if they score anything on this is it minus is it zero is it 1 5 8 10 and let's just say just for argument sake just go along with me in your imagination for a few moments that person scores 10 out of 10 on any anything and everything that you add to your list and do you agree you can you can say maal yes or no yes okay I'm sorry sorry if there was an emotional connection conect you know between the two rather than between the two lists okay so we so and they click right and they there's an emotional connection they somehow they enjoy each other's company whatever might be missing add emotional connection and if any if you want to add any details to description of what that means add it to the app go out on another date and sure have check it off oh my gosh 10 out of 10 every time so now here's the real question two people get married they score 10 out of 10 on everything they're looking for and I agree with the gentleman over there we're going to get to this in a few moments about the perfect spouse but timately here's the real question two people score 10 out of 10 on everything they looking for will that equal a happy marriage yes or no no why not why will it not guarantee yes it's a very good start it's an excellent start why will it not guarantee a happy marriage why not maintain okay we've got to maintain all that and we' got to grow together what else say more things come up oh things will come up that we've never experienced before example children children never had a child before my own child and he's got his way of raising this child disciplining this child putting this child in check uh agreeing or not agreeing how much flexibility how much to give the child a say how much to say no absolutely no and the AL says h no and then the kid picks up oh I got room here not easy two people who've never raised a child before might have a different view as to how to raise or mazalov you've got twins mazalov mazalov we got twins oh and is it possible they could be identical and yet have two different personalities and what is a no you cannot have that is clear for one child and they back off and they agree they cooperate the other child Rebels just sticks his feet further into the ground and gives you a harder time and I think we need a different style of parenting for the other child and yet one spouse says no one style for both one size fits all and the other spouse says no no no no no this child is a different personality we need to go more easy and find another way talking about children I just finished making my entire house childproof but they're still getting in now I'm just joking I really love kids in fact someone once asked me if I ever hit them I said never ever hit my children except in self-defense so I'm going to share with you a couple of true stories to illustrate this point just because two people have met each other and found everything they're looking for it does not guarantee the perfect marriage because we cannot anticipate new situations that will come up between us that neither of us have ever experienced before so we don't know what's going to come out of us because we've never been in situation before even though we're compatible we seem to agree on everything on our apps and all our dating no nothing can necessarily be enough preparation for a totally new situation so for example he has a totally different way to respond to the new motherin-law and it doesn't work for the spouse and she is having a slight difficulty with her motherin-law and guess what we might have two very different ways of dealing with look this is my mother you just no that's that's how she is yeah but she's so sharp and how insensitive so okay so just go along with it or do I do I not defend I say you know you're right um I will speak to her or we have we're going to have to keep our distance or whatever it is or it's could be the father-in-law I Haven got a father-in-law joke I really need a father-in-law joke now just to balance things out a bit okay never mind so we never know what will come between us that will be a new situation we've never experienced and so two people cannot know how they're going to respond to this new example true true story man marries woman she's uh 27 owns a company that she started on her own I don't want to give it too many details he has several uh employees and he's he is attracted to her more than any other reason for the following she was abused forgive me for saying this on camera she was abused by her father for many years this went on till early teenage until she cut off from her father she had the courage she was only 13 and from that moment onwards never spoke to her father was 1 I think it was 17 sorry 17 from 17 onwards that she had the courage she broke away from home completely and hasn't spoken or met him in 10 years he was not at their wedding this young man was attracted to her more than anything else this was the major piece that she was so vivacious so loving life so strong internally and had started her own business was a happy person despite the fact that she had gone through this terrible abuse as a child and the father dies very soon after they get married and she falls into depression and he is beside himself why is she depressed and listen to her answer astonishing he didn't know could never have known this and she didn't either she felt depressed because only now she realizes that deep down she was hoping one day her father would come to her and apologize and mean it and even though that would never undo whatever he had done it would still be a serious healing for her and because now he's died and and will never actually apologize she realizes that that was missing for her and only realizes it now and is falling apart the very item for which he felt she was so strong she fell apart from and now the real question is how will he deal with this how will she respond second scenario true story girl marri's boy I got a great line for you boy meets girl says will you marry me she said no they lived happily ever after Boy Meets Girl says will you marry me she says yes the end Boy Meets Girl will you marry me no but you got good taste Boy Meets Girl they get married what she was attracted to more than anything else was security she for whatever reason Financial Security was was right at the top of her list this young man early 30s had been in his in his job for 15 years that's a long time he staying power and he reached a point of promotion he was earning over six figures six figures a nice size six figure company downsizes within two years of their marriage he's still on board soon afterward the company downsized the second time lost his job he had Severance but now he searching and searching for a new job and to get a new job coming from where he came from at the starting point from which he ended was no offers and she's falling apart and here's really the question what's going to matter the most who I marry or how will I be in the marriage when differences will surface when new situations will come up when there might be some surprises that I didn't see during the dating and now my husband my wife is uh not as easy goinging as I thought or as uh generous or always tentative or always appreciative and now how will I respond to that will I respond with accusations blaming complaining denying it's my fault giving excuses why it's your fault that I'm unhappy in this marriage I call it the ab bcde of getting out of responsibility a accuse it's your fault not you personally I to wake anyone up I'm sorry I'm sorry I was in South New Jersey a little while ago and um they heard me wir me up to a microphone which was the PA was going around the whole room and the gentleman in the front row was snoring away so getting picked up on the PA all across the auditorium so I said to the guy next to him could you give him a nudge and wake him up says Rabbi you got him to sleep you wake him up so you know what a accused be blam I blame you I gave you the best years of my life now there's no here who can relate to any of this some of you have friends who know what I'm talking about C complain D deny it's my fault e give excuses why it's the other person's fault and when I play the blame game as I call it accuse blame complain or compare you're just like your father not not you personally but when I start complaining comparing denying excusing the blame game who has to change when I play the blame game who has to change me or everyone else else oh you have to change dear spouse dear kids dear mother-in-law father-in-law it's I don't have to change oh you have to change oh so I'll play the blame game to get out of responsibility for changing the only person I was created to change so the bottom line here and I'm going to reinforce this with a couple of other examples who we marry is not nearly as important as who are we and enter in the marriage how strong will I be in controlling my anger how strong will I be in my patience my understanding listening compassion all the things on my list is what I have to work on easygoing listening respect financially responsible and I'm going to prove it to you I'm going to prove it to you that who I marry is not nearly as important as who am I in the marriage entering marriage who I date is not nearly as important as who am I in the dating process how am I growing in the dating process and I I'm going to prove it to you in just a few moments quick question is there anyone in this room today who would say in the last two to 5 years I have not changed I'm the same person same person today is two five years ago I I haven't grown at all is there anyone of course not everyone changes how about 10 years ago are you the same person today as you were 10 years ago of course not so here is the kind of ironic news whoever you marry will not be the same person you stay married to yes the physical person hopefully I mean it'll be the same partner but that person's going to change cuz we all change I'm going to change she's going to change he's going to change so who we marry anyway is going to change so the real question is not who I marry the real question is who am I in the marriage how will I respond when I discover something that I don't like as much as I thought was there and it's much harder than I thought whether it's the Mother-in-law the father-in-law or something to do with your career or the way you're raising the children or the your finances or your choice of career or how you're dealing with your boss or not dealing with your boss or how you're not closing enough sales with the clients no whatever is my complaint what's going to matter the most is not your business it's mine how will I change me because if I try to change you here's a good question do you know anybody who successfully changed their spouse by trying to change them I'll make the question much easier do you know anybody in world history that succeeded in changing their spouse by trying to change them and the answer is nobody ever changed anyone and if it looks as though they changed it's only until until their back is turned and then their spouse will do what they want anyway I'll make a similar question do you know any teenager that was changed by the parent by trying to change the teenager anyone here's had teenagers will know why some animals eat their young pure humor no reflection on reality whatsoever I'm sorry I'm not it's really it's only meant in humor it's really not I was a teenager once myself didn't last long just from 13 till 19 after that I grew out of it who we marry will never be the same person two four five years down the line in some cases won't be the same person a week later what's going to matter the most is less than who I marry but who am I entering that marriage because we can't change anyone the only way we change anyone is when we change ourselves and and then you end up responding to a different me you end up responding to a different spouse when they become more loving more appreciative more giving more respectful more listening you end up appreciating that and responding in kind you might not want to do it straight away because you might not want to trust the new him the new her but that's how we have been wired we are wired to change in response to people and the way they respond to us so we actually control that which is good news the bad news is I don't control my spouse or my date the only person I can control is me but that's good news because even when I make a mistake I can ask for forgiveness and if he or she makes a mistake I can offer forgiveness even before they I could be easy going about it and even if it does hurt me I can talk to Hashem about it if it hurts me bad enough that I have to speak to you how will I speak to you is what's going to matter the most sharp words accusations will it be with blaming complaining accusing or will it be asking you know we had that conversation yesterday so the reason I want to bring this up is because and then you explain without screaming without shouting without sharp words without insults oh without hurtful words and if they sense that I am genuinely sincerely asking for clarity I'm not ACC accusing with a loud voice I'm not comparing I'm not coming with a long history of other crimes you've committed against me which is not a good idea cuz you might have a better memory than I do about my mistakes in the relationship and then we're really spiraling downwards oh it all matters about not who I marry but what will come out of me in the marriage the saintly RAB is Mayor Kagan he died about 105 years old in 1933 when he was sick 16 that's when he married 16 turning 17 that was in the whoa can someone help me with a meth 17 1817 round about 1817 thank you his mother was a widow who had remarried in those days you're talking about well over almost 200 years ago in those days if a if a lady lost a husband Rahman to remarry you didn't really you couldn't have a long list it really had one item can he support me can I can will I have food on the table and she compromised as was necessary and she ended up marrying someone of a much coarser less refined personality and indeed he brought into the marriage his daughter from his previous marriage when he first set eyes on the youngim ra is May Kagan he wanted that boy to be his new son-in-law and marry his daughter and he started putting pressure on the's mother I heard this story from rabi Yakov greenal who heard it from the Kish if I'm not mistaken and he told me the following the Kish said that isan came home from Yesa one benim between terms and he saw his mother was upset he was a very sensitive young man he saw something was upsetting her and he asked her what's the matter she said nothing but she she could not hide how hurt she was cuz she knew this young boy is a child proy he's a saintly personality and is a at his young age he's probably going to go somewhere and he could easily be supported and groomed to become a leader in the Jewish people and he asked her again mother what's the matter and she couldn't hold back and she broke down uncontrollable tears and she told him the truth man new husband wants you for a son-in-law and you know what his answer was Mother why are you crying I'll marry her and he did and he still became the soanish brought this story which by the way is less known that Kish himself had a very difficult marriage and maybe that's why he was describing this and helping people to to realize this is a reality who we marry is not nearly as important as who are we entering the marriage we could be supportive or lose our love and appreciation respect or we can hold on to the the good points in that person's personality what we originally admired in their character the qualities of their personality and not let go or I can choose to start thinking about what I don't like about you and if I do that enough times I'll end up not liking you stop loving and eventually God forbid end up resenting or even hating and before we know it divorce and I'm here to claim people don't get divorced because of the differences people get divorced because they can't handle the differences it's too much it's not the differences it's how weal differ deal with the differences I was speaking in KES a number of years ago um you familiar with coaches in the in the country I just got back you just got back so there wife was de oh yeah uh there about 400 people in the audience I think the average age was about 107 there was one lady there 104 very astute her mind was really who someone asked her what's special about your age she said no peer pressure so I know I said to them you know what um the average age to be honest with you was around about would say what 75 to 85 um a m mature audience I mean they've been through life they've seen death second world war tragedy they've been through everything and I asked them you know what um I imagine in the room the average age here is about 50 the ladies were very happy with that number so I said you know what let's figure out together there's about 400 people in the room and and each person's age 50 years you 50 years you 50 years you 50 years you 50 years and we go around the room how how many years would be the total of 50 * 2 time 400 2 we could take a vote if you want 20,000 so I said I said this is interesting in this room there are 20,000 years of a cumulative life experience let me ask you a question in your wisdom experience 20,000 years let's answer the following question I'm offering you two options what will make two people happy in Mar marriage number one is how similar we become and less different over the years of the marriage and that's what makes us more and more happy more similar and less different or is it number two not how similar we become and less different but how well we respond to the differences how we handle a new situation this child this parent this school situation this health setback this financial setback and guess out of 20,000 years of accumulative life experience guess how many people in that room 400 people mature audience guess how many people said happiness in marriage depends on how similar we become and less different guess how many zero isn't that amazing one person said I want he said I want you to know I married 6 3 years and he he had a great line he said I want to know marriage is not a word it's a sentence he meant of course in pure humor no reflection on reality whatsoever are you okay with marriage jokes you sure okay cuz Sandra um hadn't come to SCH for a number of weeks and uh eventually she turned up and the rabbi said Sandra I haven't seen you for a while is everything okay at home says no no things are not okay why what happened my husband died your husband died I never knew about this what happened you don't want to know you don't want to know now tell me really were you there when he died of course he was there what were his last words you don't want to know now please tell me what what what were his last words his last words were Sandra put down the gun pure human no reflection on reality whatsoever you got to laugh you got to laugh at you got to laugh at life got to laugh at life it gets us through everything happiness in marriage is not dependent on how similar we are un less different it helps a lot but that's not where it counts the most what's going to count the most is how will I respond to your frustration your anger your disappointment even in me how How would how will I get angry back will I pull out my list of my disappointments or will I be patient except accepting understanding not out of weakness out of strength be patient with love admiration and not let go that's what's really going to count the most so I'm going to share with you the following what is the purpose of marriage what is the purpose of marriage well children okay but you know God if he wanted to In His Infinite Wisdom he could have had children on trees some parents might have found that much much easier you know saves a lot of Labor I don't mean that a pun but it saves a lot of Labor and it saves a lot of s bu just just pick them off the tree when they're ripe and if they ever ripen God wants us to be connected to our children through the partnership of husband and wife why what's the purpose of marriage the real purpose of marriage is to force two people to see not the other person but themselves because alone I'm just not going to look at me I'm not I'm not going to change me without help so how does God help me change me God says you know what it's not good for a man to be alone so I'm going to make for him and EA a partner to help him now here's where it gets really interesting the actual language there is in the correct translation it doesn't mean it's not good for a person to be lonely cuz then it should be Li Le to be lonely it says which means to be alone what's the difference in English you can't really hear the subtlety but but the Hebrew grammar basically what's really saying is there's two types of loneliness there's a loneliness where I don't have companionship that's but that's not what God says he's not talking about me missing a companion he's talking about a different type of loneliness which is much worse means I'm alone I don't even have me what does that mean I'm not there for myself whether it means I don't take care of myself or I feel so low about myself I don't take myself seriously and that's why people pick up very quickly that I don't take myself seriously so they don't take me seriously either if I'm not there for me because I'm not even willing to look at myself cuz I'm so busy blaming the world complaining about how other people and circumstances have ruined me hurt me so I'm busy not looking at me I'm busy looking at everything around me that that I'm faulting for ruining my happiness my life so comes along God and says you know what the only way I can help this guy riti to really look at himself is I'm going to give him a marriage partner who's not always the same and often not the same and it will force him to look in the mirror with a magnifying glass in between and that's what marriage is husband and wife after a few days after sh start noticing oh I didn't know you had um that pimple uh on that part of your body before um Sor sorry sorry uh and I didn't realize uh that part of your personality and it's and all sorts of what I might interpret as defects start showing little kinks little scratches in my armor and the mirror with a magnifying glass in between is showing up all my inconsistencies so the purpose of marriage is for me to see me cuz when we enter marriage and this is not to make us more scared this is just a reality check it's God's I don't want to call it sense of humor necessarily but this is God's way of helping me change me because on my own I'm not going to do it so Hashem wants me to change me and one of the ways he accelerates that process is marriage children and the workplace these are the places where we constantly encounter different people difficult people and forces me to come out of me God is in the business of squeezing what does squeezing mean is actually R you'll find in shot where God compares the Jewish people to an olive and just like an olive is squeezed and outomes the olive oil well what decides the quality of the oil how you squeeze or the ripeness of the olive oh it's the maturity of the olive oh so when God squeezes me through marriage through children through mother-in-law father-in-law brother-in-law when God squeezes me through my clients and my boss and my coworker and my and and uh the community and the extended family um and my uh neighbor and have we covered everybody when God squeezes me through lots of different people what comes out when he squeezes me what comes out whatever's inside so if I'm immature what will come out when you squeeze me whoever you are imur immaturity if I've got anger bitterness resentment and I easily fault other people guess what will happen when you squeeze me whether it's the traffic whether it's a carple whether it's the client who I can't believe he's just dragging me along and just not closing the deal and I start really irit and I start it comes out in and the client doesn't want to have to do with me oh what happens when I'm squeezed whatever's inside comes out for who to see oh for me to see it's real intimacy real intimacy is into me see the way God gets me to see into me is he puts me into marriage to help me change the only person I'm capable of changing and when we do how do we feel when we improve our patience ad ation of qualities in the other person when we're more forgiving and let go of resentment even if I feel he she doesn't deserve it but if I can't find it in my heart guess guess who's the real beneficiary who's the person who's really benefiting when we forgive someone is it the other person or ourselves let's be honest it's ourselves who goes to sleep that night who sleeps that night who's able to wake up next morning and say you know what I'm starting my life again I can I can continue but if I'm carrying resentment anger bit us towards anybody or God or circumstances the market or people who's really suffering and who's causing it I can blame point fingers but the real person who's entertaining all this controls all this is myself and that's what's affecting my emotions so comes along God and says I'm going to help with a crash course in changing oneself and it's called marriage it's called having children it's called going to work it's called interfacing with different people one of the problems we're experiencing today is with with texting and communication through technology is that we're not facing each other with a body language and talking directly and we're losing out on a massive proportion of the real communication which is body language tone of voice and so many emails are going back and forth destroying each other when we're picking apart line paragraph and responding to each and then the other person reads and can't realize that it's it's not as severely meant as the words seem to suggest and there are things I'm saying in the email that if it was person to person I probably wouldn't have the guts to do and so I would be more refined and perhaps more understanding because I'm giving you a chance face to face to respond as we talk is it possible that technology is accelerating the pace of communication but in many ways it's diluting our relationships the quality is really not the same anymore so comes along God and says you know what marriage is the place for us to get stronger in communication trust respect giving forgiveness generosity we're practicing that all the time we're practicing improving ourselves so that's really the purpose of marriage it's not about compatibility that's a plus that's bonus but that comes more and more with how do I respond to your differences that's what's going to count the most how will you respond to my differences but you know what's interesting over here I don't have to wait for you to be nicer to me because if I realize you know what I'm going to take the position that it's my responsibility to change me and I start being more kind appreciative giving forgiving listening compassionate understanding less judgmental guess what will happen the other person will change in response cuz that's how we are wired we have been programmed that way just like the facial expressions reflect each other's faces in the water the water reflect our facial expressions without the slightest deviation can so is the mind and heart because the word l means both we'll talk about maybe another time Le really means mind and heart the mind and hearts of other people are reflecting what we're thinking and feeling there's no deviation what I'm thinking and feeling about you is what you're picking up on and when I fall out of love there's no mystery you know what I'm doing I'm thinking more about what I don't like about you and what I'm discovering that's negative in my perception and I'm letting it reach over here and I start feeling it guess what's going to happen you're going to pick pick up on it and if I really want to turn around the dating the marriage the relationship with this child where should I begin over here if I try changing you any any type of changing you that label complaint is a complaint that's what it is any attempt for me to change you no matter how nice I package it is basically a complaint that says you know when you uh lose a bit more weight then I'll love you uh when you're more appreciative then I'll appreciate you you know when when you earn more money then I can respect you um when you stand up for yourself to your bus then I'll I'll have respect for you um when you have better taste in clothes then I'll I'll admire you and I even if I package it in the nicest possible words when you when you're better with the children when you bet when you cook better whatever it is I'm it's a complaint and there's very few people in this world who can take a complaint nod their heads and say thank you that's very people aren't wired that way we're not wired that way have you ever have you ever heard of a couple that in the first week of marriage husband comes to wife says you know what I've got a list here of um uh things I think uh you could improve on in the marriage and I think you know let let's get this straight at the beginning so that we don't have this now how many women do you know said oh this is wonderful I've always looked forward to growing in marriage this is Fant you're telling me all things you don't like about me now I know what to grow in oh this this is great what is it you don't like about me you know no one speaks that way you call hat Salah what about what happened to them we're not wired to appreciate criticism but we are wired to appreciate appreciation gratitude admiration even when we make mistakes and the other person is more forgiving more listening more patient and is done on us is Judge judges us favorably looks for a positive interpretation oh you know what if I'm not judging you if I were in your shoes I'd probably do much worse you really mean it yeah for sure oh oh so real happiness in marriage is not about how similar unless different we are it helps but it's not about that it's really about what will come out of us when differences come between us it's interesting that the Mitzvah of is not it's not searching it's finding ladies and gentlemen in the language what's the difference between searching and finding what's the difference is it just semantics just language or is there a gigantic difference what's the difference between searching for the right partner versus the language our sages give us which is mid finding the right partner what's the difference finding means it's absolute meaning to say final it's final meaning to say carry on add on there it's there now what does that mean the right person is there y can it also mean the right in every potential person is there the good in every potential person is there see what am I supposed to be looking for during the dating process all the things I'm looking for on my list and like the gentleman over there said there's no such thing as a perfect spouse now the first three priorities let's hear them race okay uh do you do you want to tell us what your three are okay whatever your top three are go for it whatever you decide is your top three go for it um I play soccer on Wednesday nights RCC so there's um there's a guy there cell phone goes off while we're in the locker room and he picks up cell phone and it's his wife says oh darling I'm so glad you picked up we just at the mall I can't tell you this's this gorgeous leather jacket on sale for $1,000 what do you say so it's on speaker phone we're looking at him say how's he going to handle his wife is um uh get it oh darling thank you so much before you put the phone down um I just want to tell you on the way to the mall I passed the Mercedes dealership and the new SLR 500 is on sale for $65,000 what do you say um uh um is it fully loaded yes oh um okay get it darling thank you so much listen before you put the phone down you me that beautiful home that we fell in love with they took it off the market was going for 1.3 million it's it's back on the market reduced to 1.1 what do you say um um uh come in with an offer for 1.25 oh tell I love you yeah I love you too bye bye now we're all staring at this guy oh my gosh how no one's going to compete with this man he's so good to his wife you know what he says to us whose cell phone is this there's no such thing as a perfect husband there's no such thing as a perfect spouse the only thing that matters is not who I marry that's important but it's it's not going to matter in the final analysis what's going to matter the most is what comes out of me in the marriage who will I become during marriage because who I marry anyway is not going to be the same person yes sir the only one that that will promise you a perfect one will be a and my say [Laughter] is okay I'm uh I'm I'm I'm laughing cuz I thought you were joking [Music] okay really means don't look for the good in the other person find it it's there you can't look for something that's not there finding means it's already there let me show you how the Torah describes loving another person which Mitzvah in the Tora tells me I have a Mitzvah to love you chapter 19 in the book of VRA and this this one line is so popular Christianity adopted it the whole world love your neighbors yourself listen carefully what's the two letter root of what does raah mean bad ask in in paragraph 219 ra your T why does Hashem use the language ra to letter root of re which means your friend your neighbor and it refers to the negative ra means bad why didn't you use a language of where you're joining together says rabu an amazing Insight God knows there's no such thing as a perfect friend if I'm only going to look for a friend that will never disappoint me never let me down always be sensitive and never hurt my feelings how long will I be looking for a friend how many friends will I have everyone's going to eventually trip up in some way and hurt me in some way oh means love them with the negativity as well because if I'm going to be stuck on I can only love someone who never hurts me or doesn't let me down or never ever breaks the trust in any way which I'm going to be looking for a long time ra says a similar comment in the he tells us make for yourself a teacher a mentor be willing to spend money on a friend and when you have a choice of seeing someone do something wrong you saw it you heard it but there's a possible interpretation even if it's only in your imagination that puts what they did or said into a positive POS light but it's not so bad which am I supposed to select what I saw and heard and judge you on that or in my imagination select a version the interpretation that puts you in a good light which one am I supposed to select and what does the Tor tell us judge others favorably which our sages in this Mish per Mish I think it is tells us judge everyone favorably says what's this doing over here and he says very simple if I'm looking for a rabbi that will never let me down if I'm looking for a friend that will never let me down how long will I be looking forever there's no such thing as a human being who's righteous that walks this Earth and never makes a mistake oh there were five exceptions the G tells us but otherwise there's no such thing oh so the purpose of friendship is to not just look for the good find it and stay with it keep finding more and more of the good because that's the only way I'm going to be able to hold on to friendships how flexible I am easygoing patient listening will that help friendships a lot oh that will help a how much will that help in marriage listening easygoing flexible a lot oh it's everything we take questions at the end please forgive me so is helping me understand gives me aah to love you with the negativity that's in you and he still wants me to love you so what am I being asked to focus on focus on the good focus on the good doesn't mean deny the bad no talk to hashm about what you don't like don't talk to your parents and don't talk to your parents-in-law not a good idea there not my words Victor Miller says it he has 10 commandments of of of uh of marriage we're going to cover many of them in just a few moments get to the practicals in just a few moments don't share with your parents or parents law and the reason why is because you might make up with your husband your wife and there the mother father is still stuck with the complaints they've heard and it's very hard for them very hard for them to remain impartial to remain parv without interfering or trying to find a way to persuade the daughter-in-law the son-in-law and says Rabbi Victor Miller husband and wife they might have made Shalom weeks or months ago meanwhile in the gallery in the latest section on yam kipur the mother-in-law is crying tears cuz she's so angry at the son-in-law the way she heard from her daughter the treatment that she got and meanwhile husband wife made up a long time ago and she's still angry and on yam who why do I need my mother-in-law or my father-in-law crying about their daughter when she I made up already so says RAB big Miller do your best not to have to go to them or extended family do your best to go to someone impartial actually F the first stop is each other try and figure it out together if I if I still can't then then go to a rabbi preferably someone who understands both of us and can help or some other professional try to avoid going to the In-laws because it usually not always but most of the time is going to end up backfiring on both of us and then they'll take sides and push us push us away from each other [Applause] let me share with you an amazing Insight was one of the Towering sikim mentioned in the G many times he had a difficult marriage his wife was abusive towards him in public very often would would embarrass him humiliate him in public on one he's walking through the marketplace with his nephew RAV RAV was very famous as well and R saw an item that he knew his wife would like he bought it and he covered it in his scarf and took it home RAV said to his uncle why why are you being so nice to her she's she humiliates you in public and and we're embarrassed for you why are you being so nice to her his answer was amazing his answer was amazing so let me to explain to you there are two qualities my wife has that for those two qualities alone and he doesn't say this on himself he says it for everybody it's enough to love her appreciate and admire her for these two qualities alone anything else I get is plus but these two are bare minimum and if I've got these two she deserves all my love and appreciation and what are they number one it's enough to love them because they raise our children 9 months pregnancy that's not easy X number of hours of Labor wo child birth and then raising that child who's home most of the time raising that child the mother said I owe her love and respect admiration just for number one number two it's a mature audience you'll be forgive me for sharing with you what tells us everybody and they save us from thinking about other women because in the in the bedroom they provide what's called p p is an expression a basket full of bread what does that mean so our sages tell us a number of times someone who's fasting who's not eating or drinking but yes they've got bread in the basket and they they're going to break the fast they've got what to eat but if the refrigerator is empty and they're fasting who's having an easier time the one who's got bread in the basket the one who's not got anything in the bask the refrigerator's empty even when the fast is over there's no food to eat it's much worse so comes along our SES and warn someone who is married and husband and wife behave in the bedroom what does that mean he doesn't say you know what forget about the mck for this month if that's how you're going to behave forget it don't even bother and she doesn't use it against him right I'm not going for a that's it forget about it sleep on the couch and comes along Rabbi Victor Miller based on this gim says never throw a spouse out of the room ever the bedroom is KES the bedroom is the holy of holies that don't bring the differences into the bedroom and if there are differences make up make sure but don't let it destroy that part of the marriage because if God forbid a husband holds back the wife is going to go elsewhere or if God forbid the wife holds back husband will start thinking and giving a second look it's not worth it it's so not worth it and comes along and says yeah you see that she she's disrespectful to me in public but let me just tell you for those two alone it's worth loving respecting and admiring and he's not giving it as personal advice about himself he's saying knew it's enough for us oh this is generic advice but when my list gets very long about all my expectations I'm hurting myself I'm hurting you I'm being unfair to myself how we behave respond to the differences is what's really going to matter not what's on my list [Applause] so I'm going to share with you some of the practicals always make up as soon as possible make Shalom as soon as possible interesting word Shalom does not it means peace but it means completion from the word shalam so Shalom by it really means that before it was shalm it was not shalm was not complete Al so shalam actually means when different different parts come together to make completion that's what shalam is shalam is when different parts coexist and the proof is Rashi brings this right at the beginning of sh how does God make peace above in sh what is sh made up of sh sham MIM oh there's water sham M that's what the word is made up of how did water get there water is heavy it's on the oceans how do you get water into the air oh evaporates how do you do that oh h fire from the Sun forces evaporation and gravity enables the water to now change into vapor and it arises because of the heat of the Sun so says rash tells us is a sign letter the word sh is made up of a and two opposites hasem is making peace between opposites he wants us to do the same cuz the and this you'll find in from the famous um uh bre he says in 49 in he says Shalom is when you got two opposites coming together oh so real Shalom is not how similar we are real Shalom is the coexistence of differences is you being different and I still love you me being different and you still accept respect listen understand oh I don't have to try and change you and if I do try it won't work it never has the only thing that does work is changing me and then you respond differently so make Shalom as soon as possible because I don't want to go to sleep with anger resentment it's poison RAB victim Miller also offers theid of nice to dating that means you have a Mitzvah to love the girl the boy you go out with now what does that mean the word love in in the secular world has different connotations romantic connotations affection it's not talking about that the Mitzvah of love is to focus on the good that's in the other person that's what love really is when commands me to love him it's not emotion he's commanding me because if it's an emotion well right now I don't feel like it just came out of outfits I don't feel love for God what I've seen how can I love God God's not cut my commanding me to love him over here he's commanding me to love him over here what does that mean look for the good that this person has done that will make you feel love for him God am I still breathing oxygen when was the last time you gave me a gravity Bill a rainfall bill when did you last give me an oxygen bill riti you have not paid your oxygen bill or gravity bill for 54 years that is pathetic oh okay God um uh do you take credit cards I mean how am I going to pay that off God is saying I want you to love me what does that mean look for reasons that will cause you to love me look for the kindnesses I've done for you that will cause you to love me so almost doesn't matter what I've been through I still have a MIT to love you even with whatever I've been through because what's God commanding me look for the good because the good is always much more always much more than whatever is not good and if I am going to count the good the bad then I should at least also count the good listen to the logic if I'm going to complain about what I don't like about you I should at least be consistent with my own logic and tell you what I like about you the Mitzvah of love is to look and find the good in other people and including myself because it says I have to love you like I love myself well what happens if I hate myself how much do I have to love you now what happens if I'm suicidal how much do I have to love you now H I have to love you like I love me well if I hate me oh so the Mitzvah starts with I got to love me what's that mean look for the good that exists inside me find the good that exists inside me find the good that exists ins inside other people when I'm going on The Dating process don't hope to find expect unfortunately the Christians translate our word c as hope it doesn't mean that cave does not mean hope give up hope means expect mik you don't hope to come out when you go in come I go in tame spiritually impure come out tahor spiritually pure I don't hope to come out T I expect to same lash mik comes from is actually a straight line per yua when R put the C is was a straight straight line of a string because a straight line means you can determine every single point that the two ends of the line are going to go through you don't hope to figure that out you know you expect it does not mean hope to God give up on Hope and expect God to come through for you and he will strengthen your mind because that's what Le most of the time means and then expect to game expect on the next date to notice something good about the person you didn't notice in the previous date expect to learn more about myself in that dating process because if I keep going only with I hope I find all the things I'm looking for maybe I will maybe I won't give up hope I hope I lose weight I hope I'll make more money no forget about Hope expect to lose weight that's a whole different statement I expect to lose weight is much stronger cuz it's saying I'm going to do something about it but when I'm hoping I hope the weather is good I hope the market turns out I I hope I make money on that deal I hope my husband will love me I hope my wife will be more respectful I hope my kids will turn out good I hope my kids will stay strong and from religious forget about Hope expect because expect expects of me to do more hope is I'm going to wait back and see what happens will I lose weight will he be more loving more respectful will she be more affectionate forget no expect by changing me more exercise eating the better Foods more healthy foods and expect to be healthier don't hope for it expect it put money aside expect to have money down the road for things that are of greater value or maybe even a pension because if I'm putting money aside if I can hey I don't hope to have a penion I'm expecting it I know because I'm putting money aside that's that's what we're talking about expect to find the good in yourself and in a spouse in the dating process there's more to be said I'm sorry I've gone over [Applause] time okay I'll close I'll close on a quick joke husband and wife go to a restaurant and um husband is staring at a woman in the corner of the restaurant who's just drinking herself silly totally drunk and the wife goes you know I just don't understand you we finally synchronize our schedules to go out together and all you're doing the whole evening he's staring at that woman drinking herself drunk what's the matter with you so he says you know what darling I really owe you an apology and an explanation uh that woman is my ex wife uh we divorced 10 years ago and she took to drinking and hasn't stopped since so his wife looks at her with admiration says wow who could ever imagine anyone celebrating for so [Laughter] long marriage is not easy and the jokes are okay keep laughing cuz you got to laugh to get through life and happiness in marriage is not about how similar we are unless difference it's all about how strong will I be in the marriage how kind and listening how compassionate how patient how understanding will I be how appreciative how admiration how grateful who that's a biggie how grateful will I still be no matter what because that's what God really wants from me and when we change and become more righteous better in ourselves the other people will respond in kind and our children will too thank you for your patience God bless