CHAZAQ | Mrs. Leah Richeimer | The Five Things You Wish You Knew When You Got Married

foreign thank you very much thanks for having me and I am so excited to be here we are going to have an awesome time tonight okay I want to start with the story but before I do I just want to tell you guys that sometimes you go and you hear a lot of inspiration I was like oh wow and then a week later so what did you learn you're like um tonight okay tonight we're gonna learn that personal growth is a combination of inspiration which hopefully we'll be able to do tonight a lot of Aces a lot of information plus actions which I'm going to give you and then a week later you'll remember it all okay deal okay we're good okay so I want to start with a story there is a um the governor of Texas was driving down the freeway with his wife and his wife and him you know they were taking this long lost needed needed vacation and they're driving down and they have do they have Cadillacs around here you know what those big stretch thing okay you know the big cowboy hat right he's driving along whatever he says that the needle of the gasoline is going down so you pull off the driveway to get into the gas station and he pulls up and the guy comes around for full service and he says uh yeah they litter up with whatever so fine so the guy goes now his wife who's sitting next to him she begins examining her shoes and she's picking at the lint on the floor on the carpet down in front of her he does not look up the entire time they are at the gas station please pull back up on the freeway you know with a full tank and the governor says to her I cannot can I just say something back there you you were engaged before we got married right she was yeah yeah we talked about it and he said that guy who was out here in Podunk Texas in the middle of nowhere that was your former fiance wasn't it and she said wow how did you get absolutely amazing and you're absolutely spot on them and he said and let me guess you something else you were sitting there thinking oh my goodness and I had married that man I would now be the wife of a gasoline attendant in Cove Domino's Texas isn't that what you're thinking dear and she said no no actually not I was I was thinking I was thinking that if I had married him he would now be the governor so tonight I'm going to teach you the secrets and the tricks to have you know we build our husband I know there's a lot of single people here and I'm not gonna I'm gonna include you in this thing but here's what you want when you're single and before you get married everyone says I wish I knew this before I got married so you're here and you will know this all before you get married okay so it's very good but I'm gonna go be hardcore I'm gonna get I'm not gonna pull any punches I'm not gonna candy coat it and say it with you there's some real issues and you're going to hear from the women who are going to say it's really hard we have conflicts and the people who are not magnificent I'm never gonna have a conflict are you joking so I'm just just prepare yourself strap your seatbelts off because you're going to hear some real stuff now how tonight's gonna go is I'm going to get I'm going to give the whole information but equally important to that is we have the Q a so can I just buy your index right here so I gave you two index because I thought maybe if you wanted one for a little I'm gonna so you are going everybody's going to get the opportunity to fill out an index card with a question at the end so I'm going to give the share it's going to be maybe about 50 minutes or so okay very fun okay and then at the end if you have to leave and you have to go into babysitters I totally understand but everybody else who wants the most exciting part of this year stay tuned it's going to be all good but at the end I'm going to answer them and I do have um uh it's very to me as I read the question first I have to drop it from the Rabbit syntheticameral's wife on how to do this so perfectly see this and people can ask questions about their husbands and about marriage anything goes I'll be able to sit what I can say um and how to do that okay fine okay so I'm going to start and I want to um I want to point out something and this is whether you're single or you're married I'm going to say something that's going to absolutely shock you what's the grocery store around here for the market errands what is it yeah okay so if you go into Aaron's okay and you see the first Jewish woman that you find right and you go up to her and say oh I feel like a favor can you tell me something what is a massura what is her tradition for cautious I should say oh you need milk you need meat you need uh you shouldn't use this extra bad extra you for sure can use the answer two hours you'll talk your ear off now you ask her what is our masura for shots and she'll say oh you need um candles you need all uh the challenge she'll talk to you here after two hours because she knows everything there's every person in this room could tell me if I have a meat for hot meat pork and a stick in the hot cheese thing you know you have to caution it everybody knows the laws of process they know the laws of of Shoppers now you ask this woman what's in Aaron's Casita and you walk into Aaron's okay you walk into errands and you ask the woman um can you do me a favor can you add can you tell me what is our masora what is our masura for Sean bias she's going to be like let's go bye she will not know the answer I spoke with dersha the word 500 people in the woman I said does anyone want to come up and tell us what their the game store official advises they're looking at their shoes like the devil is like they're just looking down but here's the problem did you how many boxes of tissue do you have enough boxes of tissue for every person we should all be crying about this this is the saddest thing you've ever heard okay we know it's cautious we know shop is like the back of our hand and yes Sean Bice which is the single most important thing for our happiness the single most important thing for our happiness we don't know what's our what's our song by so right right I think oh my gosh yeah massive tissues the questions where did dinosaur go I don't know my husband and I made the decision about a decade ago 12 years ago we made the decision but it's okay if we have we're on our you know after 120 we're on our deathbed and we're looking back at our life and we're saying okay what did we do with our lives if you had if you had time that energy equipments and finances to be able to support something what can we do so that at 120 we can look at each other and say you know here's the Legacy we left in our lifetimes which I think okay we're going to do well we could save the whales we could have the three-legged Beetle over there there's a lot of different things you could what's going to make the biggest because of the plan if we start a show and buyers organization non-profit organization and who gets the song guys to store vacancies every person's hands with nobody left out the same here in case you've been here every one of you should know the show and I've got a 15 minutes with you an hour with you guys right number two questions but what can I do how much information you know standing on one foot like exactly like really what am I going to do but what I can do is I can instill in you and set you on fire inside that I am going to learn I'm a story for showing bikes I don't care what it takes she's right I want to know this not just because Hashem wants it it's the most single most important thing to Hashem but I want to know it because that's the key to the ultimate happiness in my life it's the key that you want you want your kid to do well in school you want your car to work it the the way to bring breakfast into on a person's home and this for you single people it's you represhold told me that you need to go around doing as much shopping as you possibly can Virtual Families too much Mrs and you can and create as much home as you can but the issue is if I can instill in each one of you a desire to learn armasaura that's it I can do in this time and then the rest is up to you and I'm going to provide you with lots of opportunities I don't care what book you read on it I have a marriage Secrets okay there's 220 tourist sources in here I got to tell you guys I'm a full-time volunteer so when when this when you buy this book I get two dollars and 23 cents of royalties and 100 of it all my income for all my lecture fees from everything I do and then some goes for showing bias education so if I push this book on you all I want because I I don't really need your 2.23 cents it doesn't mean it anyhow but what I'm going to show you tonight I'm going to show you practical tools and I don't care what shown by Facebook you you need to get yourself educated and we have if you take a look at your and I'm going to start with the curriculum in a second but I just want you to see this this one is for you to take home okay this is for you this and you can write notes on the back of that one this one you're turning in we've got a beautiful raffle here with tote bags and all these cute little things and cups yeah yeah and so on this I'm just going to give you the Action Plan before you hear even what this is all about because I want you to be able to understand actions is what is going to make the difference between whether you you know you're on this ship right and you can jump ship and you can go here and go working towards Shelby so the first one is I am giving a free emotional intimacy master class on September 4th don't ride on that on the pink one because the pink one I should we should have printed it on this but anyway or on the blue one um September fourth fifth sixth and 7th for ello a whole class on emotional intimacy number two is marriage Secrets Foundation course that's a 13-week program that is again it cost me four hundred dollars to put someone through it in terms of Staff time I've got 18 people on staff we charge 89 dollars for it you know what I'm saying like someone said to me today so you're losing three hundred and eleven dollars every time someone signs up yes this is if you know the Missouri you're going to teach it to your friend and we're gonna we're gonna make a difference and make a dent in being able to have um a claw Israel that has the scholar number three is marriage Secrets coach training program I'm just going to spend a second on this and I'm not going to mention in the other ones you can just take off on that box because you're gonna turn those in for the raffle but about um 10 years ago somebody said to me Leia you know if you go around teaching with strong guys and Sora you know you might have much more success if you taught teachers to teach it you know why you know you you're one person you'll make yourself crazy again so so and I was always you can't how do you interview somebody for your sharing so my board said to me you've got a you know what your schmoole say about this and I said oh so I called him up and he said that's not your job your job is to teach the Missouri as best as you can and but the rest just leave the rest of dish and so a year and a half ago I've trained down 23 and 23 so 46 coaches ones that Brazil should teaching the whole class with 14 women come every week one's in Chicago she's teaching she just did a zoom class with 100 people once teaching in Israel one like the four in Israel three in London two in South Africa where else do I have New Jersey Lakewood I've got them all right now the 46 teacher trained people who know better than anyone on the planet Earth for reals it's a PhD so if you you if you see that and I'm like oh I I would love to learn it so well I'd like the parnassa to you know you can they're making 50 75 800 an hour you know whatever but here's the last point I'm going to say about this flying Trail is desperate for showing by his teachers we are initial advice crisis right now it's from the Dome that's not my interpretation we're stolen buys prices you are desperately needed this isn't something you can sit out you have to push yourself to think if you can do it and I will train your personal training with me uh for about four or five months okay let's get in I want to tell you one last thing about um as I said to him I said I believe is everyone familiar with schmoo kaminsky's in the roshishiva of Philadelphia and I flew to Philly and I said I believe that the avoda the work of our generation is showing bias and he said Mrs richheimer what exactly is your source for this and I said well I was kind of hoping that the Russia would be my source for this ah he's laughing and I said I said really people are running after that sneeze they're running after listening how are they running after kids after and internet addictions and all these things perhaps if we were to focus on buys all of the problems in fly Israel would diminish or disappear and he said Mrs richheimer you need to teach this to as many people as that are restored to as many people as possible one candle should light many candle and guess what you guys is who the candles are okay you're the candle so mirror to Shem together if everyone in this room if we made this decision let's make Sean bias the number one priority of quality Sorel we could make it happen Okay so just keep that in mind okay we're going to go right into the five things you wish you knew before you got married the five things it's a spot now before I give you um show thanks um yeah okay um so before I give you the five Secrets I have to tell you that there are four lies do people know what it means why bill of goods we've been sold a bill of goods how do you explain that now your bill of goods um we've been lied to whatever there's four lies from the secular world the whole secular world has conspired against us to propagate these four lies and before I explain to you what our show and bias and Surah is right you just want to be standing on one foot explaining Sean bison sir before I do that I have to tell you what the four lies are so that I made it very easy for you lies l-i-e-s lies okay so the first one is l and that is the line of later that you will be happy later and that um you know when you get the house that you want when your husband gets a job he wants when your kid behaves the way you want him to behave when when um uh you're you're you get the dress you want when not even material things when your husband starts to put stops putting you down whatever it is that later you'll be happy and that's how the rest that's how they get us to buy things because like oh if you buy this you know you're waiting oh when that package comes from Amazon then I'll be happy but you have to understand this is a lie of later it's very good for the economy but it's miserable for a person's their Peace of Mind in their heart and the way we know from hazal through what we know from hazal is that we are exactly where we need to be exactly now there's no like some future that we're supposed to be you know that's how the whole world is about later it's the LIE of later and our job is to concentrate and be focused and to savor where we are right now that's that's what Jose are teaching us okay the next one is the live images starts with i l-i-e-s the live images that you will be happy when your life looks like a fairy tale so we all have been influenced by this whole thing of you know what what is the the Knight and shining armor right and right what color horse does he have thank you right we all know this nine Shining Armor needs whisks us off their feet and he takes us away and whatever and so now we compare our whole life to is you know we don't have that God so when I used to work with dingles for many decades I did I don't do it anymore for the last 12 years I've just focused on showing bias but when I used to work with singles I could speak with a woman a girl at that point whatever woman and I could I could talk to her and within about three to five minutes I could tell whether she read no romance novels or not just by what her expectations were what her blown out of her mind you know thinks oh he's gonna be listening you know like that so we've been sold a line of images that puts us in a spot that we are always comparing the husband who's right in front of us with our image of this book you read or this movie we saw or this you know this uh other oh you know you look at somebody else's husband oh I wish my husband was more like that well you know behind closed doors he he's you know whatever I was gonna say you know he just uh he leaves his socks on the pillow whatever you know whatever it is behind the scenes you can just imagine what it's looking like so but we get ourselves caught up in these images it's very very prevalent and as soon as we know that there's a lie of images it gives us the opportunity to move on the other side of it okay the next oh no you didn't hand any eggs out right no nobody has eggs promise no one's gonna throw eggs at me I promise okay the next one's e right lies e this is the LIE of equality we have been sold delivers that if our relationship is equal and he does the one diaper and I do the next diaper and I do the dishes and he doesn't he tries and then whatever we've been sold the bill of goods the equality is where our happiness lies and don't get me wrong I'm not like you know equality in the workplace I think as a nation we should be embarrassed that a woman made 67 cents on a man's phone the same one you know 60 seconds I'll fight for that I'll stand up and say this is wrong it's the wrong letter for the house equality is the wrong measure for the house in a household the measure is shown I'll tell you one last statistic about that oh I'm sorry okay very sweet um one last statistic about this a study came out I think it was about two and a half years ago um is it before covert I don't remember anyway it was out of Denmark and they did a study of couples who have the most amount of equal quality in their their you know Tit for Tat he does this he does that he does this she does it you know like that the most amount of quality and the leadership of Mana quality and put them on all these charts and graphs or whatever and it turns out that the ones that have the highest equality in the marriage have doubled the divorce rate as anybody else double so that ain't the direction we need to be heading okay the last one for the s is the LIE of stuff the LIE of stuff that getting what you want will make you happy you know this is like the whole you know advertising industry marketing whatever that if you get that then you're gonna be happy buy this car you're gonna be happy have that stroller you'll be happy you know whatever the the LIE of stuff and I want to just um if you have a husband and a wife and the husband is doing whatever he can to try and get what he wants from his wife and the wife is trying to get whatever she can from her husband you end up with a gift okay so what is the core of Happiness what is the deep deep thing of Happiness it's giving so I want that and that's a Jewish message you got to get you got to get you gotta get and the Jewish rate is giving so I just wanna who who likes to shop okay so what's your favorite color today Ella okay okay you're walking in look at this look at the shop clothing shop around here she looks in the window and there's a pink sweater it's mohair okay it's got like fur around the pink fur around that pose it's the most gorgeous sweater she has ever seen since the days she lost it it's hanging in the window but she was sent to Macy's and she goes to the lady that's coming home with me so the lady goes and she takes down the sweater and she puts it on Ella and Ella scanning in front of the window and having the mirror or whatever and she's looking she's like this is absolutely gorgeous and she's looking for a price like you can't find the lady over just excuse me um how much is this Twitter and the lady said oh it's on sale it's only forty three hundred dollars is she crazy [Music] one day she sees this huge sign like this and it says massive huge sale everything goes and she's like huh so she goes in whenever she looks on this rack nothing looks on that racks nothing lo and behold behind me tucked away and whatever is there is Ella's pain and she and she pulls it out and she's spiruly she kind of looks at the price tag like this to see what it's really at 37 dollars she's extended she puts it on she got exactly what she wanted Minister Maya how did that happen is there a size nobody else bought it then follow it so she comes out and she's waiting on the do they have Uber everyone uses Uber here or whatever so she's waiting for she called her for Uber she says I'm standing in her sweater and she's like seeing if after everybody's noticing a beautiful sweater actually feels like a million dollars whatever and on the department here and there's a lady sitting on the on the bus stop Pond finish you know whatever she's sitting there and right next to her is this little dog and the little girl is sitting there a little girl has a sundress on us in the winter sundress on bare feet absolutely oh buttons your buttons she goes to the little girl perhaps her legs and pulls her very tight and looks at tears just breathing back downstairs thank you and the other mother whatever is looking at her like I don't know how to thank you and then I was overcome comes and she gets into the Uber so the question is what is going to stay with her the rest of her life getting the sweater so these lies have swept us away and when we shift into the mindset of a yid now you're ready to hear from the Surah because tonight you know how I said you know we don't know we know Shabbos we know cautious whatever tonight you're going to learn the entire Missouri in one night okay and five the five things are the Missouri and of course it has to spell something really special and really meaningful um and if you learn if you memorize the word which is easy to remember if you remember we're gonna I'm gonna go through each of them g-e-u-l-a and I'm going to teach you and and by the end of that you'll be able to know the entire masseur and then please God you'll go on to learn more learn more learn more but that's going to be our start okay who can nobody can see this right where can I put this where you can see it is that better kind of in the middle okay fine Okay so the first one and it's going to be different than you think the first one is grateful dead to this old world because a screen you know it's gonna break pretty good enough great okay this is going to be shocking news okay the shocking news is that has actually the if I had to stand on one foot and say what are you doing when you do um uh in the grocery store is going to ask you what kind of store for some Elias the answer is the husband is the giver and the wife is thirsty the husband is the giver and the wife is a receiver this is let me use to many many women they think they're doing all day long so I'm going to explain because all Baraka comes from shamayam through our husbands and to us so I went to Asher Watson today explains you are telling me that we have a woman she wakes up in the morning she says the whole book of to Hillary she goes and gives food to the lady down the street she there's an all Mana up the street she goes and visits her for two hours she's carpooling her kids back and forth doing diapers all day she's accruing all these Mitzvahs that she's doing and you're saying she's not bringing broccoli into the house like like no I don't get that like hello and he said Mrs richheimer is correct she can marriage a lot of she can earn a lot of bracha and it goes up into shemaim and it sits and waits for her but the one and only way that it can come into her home is through her husband no eggs hey look at that the only way it could come into the home is through the husband and I'm going to give you such a simple tool to get more blood out with your home about raka what do I mean a health happiness joy your dishwasher breaks the your card doesn't break down the food doesn't burn we all need more umbrella we all want more branca that's what we're here for is get this much problem bringing as much broader into our home who doesn't need more brother for 37 sweater you know what I'm saying it's like this is his brother so how do we access all that that breakfast is up in shamayam right how do we get it to us again I I'm really all I do 24 7 is I'm a receiver teacher right the husband's Giver the wife is the receiver and it turns out the bigger the receiver the wife is what happens the more the husbands give okay so it was like when is the men's class right the anuses the emesis the men's class it he doesn't need first of all they're not lining up to and you know so but that's the uh if a woman becomes a bigger receiver the man becomes a bigger Giver so I'm going to give you an example but here's a a years ago I'm a receiver right and could Hashem feel this amount of you know it's like my Hollow ball basically of course could he throw a backflip of course could Hashem still a swimming pool full of brother absolutely here's what I'm about to say Hashem an ocean of braca if you are the size of a receiver that is in the size of the ocean and you have to realize how powerful this is because since Adam and kava walked the face of the Earth right you know that before I was born Adam and Hannah but when they walk the earth Hashem has provided you exactly you and what does he do he's given a whole Storehouse of Russia that you guys have Costco here okay so just imagine shows after shelf after shelf and now imagine imagine Costco every every row is completely filled with breakfast for you and it's a thousand times bigger than this Hospital best position has this review and you're only at the limitation of how much broccoli you can have is you're being able to receive it so how do you receive it ready okay now now I spent ten dollars oh uh the way that you get access to that brother is so yum and easy and simple and delicious all you do is say thank you that's it and you say different kinds of things you say you sit you say you know thank you so much for this water boy this water is so good molded it's so delicious that's also a thank you or oh I was so in need of this water you can't believe it the more you thank your husband this is not let everything this good idea this is our three thousand year host track record bulletproof plan forgetting bringing more Grandpa into your home this is and it's guaranteed and it's guaranteed hear that guarantee it is guaranteed it will work you try this at home it is guaranteed not by me by herself this is what Fazal teaches and but by the way I have so many thousands of people come through my classes and they're all like what did you teach you did you really Chase my husband aside and like teach him a whole secret course that I don't know about his husband Randy is thanked and when he's appreciated he just scored he just wants to get more there is nothing more important and more valuable to your husband I know some of you will say this is true then to make you happy that's what he wants more than anything in the world and it's sometimes hard to see that a lot of the sentiments he said this mean thing like how am I going to thank him he did this and he did that and he told my mother-in-law that my sister is a better cook and you know what all these things that have gone on and under the table and he won't listen to me where I told him 400 times keep the door closed keep the door closed and every time I walk by itself you really want me to show appreciation and the issue is with the Missoura is unfair but the woman goes first things all Barca comes foreign foreign I get it I'm sorry it has to be this way but it just want to know the number one way to get him to respect you expected it and it's guaranteed and it works and it's default like a new government because you guys such a game Shaker for such a gay teacher okay so we have grateful that's grateful let's go to the next one empowering this one also is a little bit difficult because we have been sold that me is everything okay yeah yeah we just sold at the goods that women need control in charge of our household that we everything should be controlled and micromanaged and everything should be in the place especially our husband who definitely need to be controlled because he doesn't think about it to a diaper on the ground you know so we need to control everything that we've been sold by the whole wide world says you need to be in control here's the problem there's something far far more important than more deep in a woman's discernment in her heart that she needs far more than control connection and closeness connection and closeness and but the woman gets that connection and posting it she could care less I had this one she's a good doctor and she had this tension in her neck but you know all the time when she caught him gadgets or whatever she to PT and OT and rheumatologist and listen to me a physical therapist and she went everywhere to try and get rid of the you know literally for like so chiropractor what else and you know all the things so I had this very intensive class I was teaching and she was in it and I told her I told the woman spend the week saying whatever you say dear find good no problem dear let them do whatever he wants about everything right she was like Panic stripping she was walking up she was white as it goes most of the Moon why does it goes when they went out of there okay she came back the next week and I said does anyone want to share about the whole month with you it's your hand and she said I have had tension in my shoulders for seven years Leia it's gone um it's gone micromanagement has anyone does anyone's husband set the table like unlock the door how many times right there's so much every little detail we think the right we look I get it you guys are smarter and your way is the correct right I'm sorry I get it but the issue is Letting Go especially about the stupid things so here's the most beautiful thing about what I'm teaching you right now this is the most gorgeous thing if you let go of control now let's say your husband oh yeah we're gonna go out and buy that Ford Escort I know nothing about cars so if I say an insult about a car just ignore it so yeah I want to buy the Ford Escort and you're like no no this has much better than mileage and not right you're having a safe right and I looked it up on Google here's 17 pages of the documentation that proves that I'm what you know who cares but here's the thing it's not going to have this it's not going to have breakfast so now you can have the first you can he's gonna let's say he ends up buying the Prius it's going to be the first lemon Prius okay and if he had bought the escort and he would just move out there and let him buy the S4 it's going to have Brava and it's going to be the first Ford Escort to go 400 000 miles without another change okay and this is what the power I showed so what happens here if you were to say to your husband you know uh you know okay you want to buy the Ford Escort oh okay fine that's good you know I had some information on the Prius if you wanted to hear you know okay fine we'll buy it before Oh you do want to hear it okay here's the information now if you give up control to your husband and you listen to your husband and besides of being blessed he will bend his ears so instead of saying you know you're saying oh my gosh that's high if he's if I let him have his way and I let him have the control he's going to send the kids to that school to that camp that they're going to be bullied the whole year the whole summer they're going to be bullied at that camp he's so wrong but if he's movanta and this is Robertson College you know who this is we're going to find pennies daughter and I went to see her this last a few months ago November and she said if you move monsters you will never lose and here's the thing the more a woman lets go of control there's more influence she has over her husband it comes in turquoise and I like turquoise you know whatever it is if you let your if you let go of control and let your husband have the control men need to throw Like Oxygen a man who doesn't have control in his own house feels like uh you know people always ask me what what uh you know my husband has said for NASA issues I want to get more pregnant in the house I'm like does he have the control or if he doesn't because if a man has control he will bring more in it's it's this is cute sweet little idea this is actual fact okay fine that is um uh empowering now yeah not more connection to Hashem if what you said empowering means oh empowering means empowering your husband and when you said you have to have more connection you have more connections no no no oh no a woman a man needs control like he needs oxygen and a woman needs connection to her husband more than anything in the world more than and you know some people deny it and do the you know fight with it and fight their own desires maybe their husband isn't there for them so they say oh I don't need him you know we just have a roommates God forbid you know and and the point that the thing we know from Fazal is that a woman it yearns from her husband and she yearns for her approval look I I started I don't know if you anyone knows my story I started as a stockbroker power broker you know whatever on the store on the World Trade Center floor trading Commodities you know and and you know for me to say oh yeah really need my husband in anything like a whip and an idiot but I'm telling you right now a woman needs her husband and it's very hard to get in this day and age in the western Society whatever to get in touch with that deep need that we all have and people deny it we deny it and it's hard but once you Embrace that then he can do something and you can get in touch with your feelings and say you know I really was hoping to get some positive reinforcement not criticism on that but you know whatever they say oh oh I'm sorry I'm sorry so it's understanding your own needs okay the next one is understand so okay now let's just say I have um what are those the spiral thingies you know um notebook things that they're cute what is it the flounder um it's called something it's like uh what is it Five Star Notebook five subjects yeah these big statins rather than the 400 like this bathroom Okay so let's just say it happens they're going to be pretty colorful to me it'll be one of course I mean turquoise everybody has a number okay and you start pulling in a script okay guys here's the assignment I want you to fill out everything that you want from your husband everything I'm like everything okay so stupid I want a new shape to them I want a Tesla I want to go to the Bahamas I want to just start stop putting me down in front of my mother-in-law I want him to you know like if you're writing everything down that you want everything now you've got you know actually some people left a few minutes will say oh God another notebook when you think about it though when you think about it it's like our wants this whole job this poor he'd never make it happen you can't make this happen and you know if you guys were all men and I was a man and I said okay raise your hand if you're if your wife is happy with you then I'll be like oh my God [Music] because we had a million millions and they changed like the weather now let's say I'm going to do index cards now let's say we finished the wand exercise everybody use the wanted got these piggy you know they're sitting on them they're like five stats high and now in hand everybody an index card and I say okay ladies I want you to write down your needs what you need from your husband anyone would be like um can I turn it in later and I I you know I I uh yeah later no this will take hours to even start to begin to figure out what your needs are so here's the big question I have for you because everyone otherwise protecting or their husband doesn't meet their needs the question is how can your husband meet your needs that you don't even know what your needs are we don't know what our needs are and so what we do is we throw all the wants in the world there and we keep throwing out about this no you have to say for nothing somersault here let's get it we are making them jump through every hurdle and everything we possibly can to get our wants met because our needs not being met the only way I'm going to do the standing on one foot there's a very powerful exercise I have a whole section in there sequence if I had to do this because it's really really crucial for those of you who are single I'm begging you do this for your marriage for what you're looking for in a husband because everybody has a list of wants they want from their husband they don't know what they need so they go on day after day and they want them to be handsome and gorgeous but they what they need is somebody who's stable so until you figure out what your needs are it's very very hard to find a husband that actually did an action but here's what you do you take a fat notebook it takes about two hours but it's the most powerful exercise and you break up everything you want then you go through and you cross out your wants and you Circle things that you need so if you crossed out you know you're like the Bahamas I'm trustworthy I need that I need to be trustworthy yeah whatever you figure out your needs once you have those you prioritize them you put you get two or three of your top needs and then you communicate them to your husband you don't have to some people do some people don't um but you at least you know and then when he does the you know this woman one of my students she had every night she did the homework um she had to deal with her husband after dinner she did everything grocery this you know getting the food cooking the food whatever putting it on the table setting the table everything his only job was to do the dishes after dinner so dinner would finish and he would say oh sorry going to learn English movie then he would you know afterwards oh I'm going to put a Sheila meat to bed you know for two hours after he would Dodge and whatever and every night there was tension in the home when she did this exercise she realized she had a panic disorder which was you know um you know when all of a sudden sometimes for exclusive explicit reasons sometimes not she'd get all nervous like what's going to be what you know she has a little bit of a panic attack it wasn't a horrible thing but it was like in her stomach he was nervous and her husband whenever she called him at the work at work and said you know um uh I I'm really feeling anxious right now his answer was you'll be fine you'll be fine don't worry about it just go go listen to some music you'll be fine which made him feel very bereft let me wears my husband she realized that is a much more important need for others aside from the fact the attention it caused in your home so she went to her husband she said I have a deal for you you will never have to wash another dish if you're cooked up if any time I'm starting to have an anxiety or a panic or whatever you drop whatever you are doing I don't care if you're in the middle of a million dollar real estate act that you know the deal I don't care whether you're you know flying in the middle of an airplane that you drop whatever you're doing and you're there for me and you don't get off the phone until I say it's okay to get off the phone you know what his answer was Russia knowing what our needs are is crucial not just to us getting them met which is crucial to our happiness but giving finally our husbands some satisfaction that he is meeting his obligations as a husband to you that he's taking care of you that's all what he wants to do more than anything in the world is take care of you it may not feel like it but once you start becoming more of a receiver you will witness you will want your husband explain his ability to take care of you the mentorship okay let's go to the next one the next one is L for loyal so this is actually loyalty is actually a long lost art in planet Earth you know it's kind of like it's funny because when I used to work with singles almost nobody said loyalty and it's possibly the thing that a husband needs more than anything in the world and a white piece for my husband's loyalty I'm good actually let me give you some examples of what loyalty is and what It Isn't So loyalty is that your husband knows that you have his back loyalty makes her husband feel to tr makes her husband trust us and feel safe with us like nothing else we do so I'm gonna these are examples of disloyalty your daughter says to you daddy still hasn't fixed the light bulb in my closet and you're like yeah he didn't do the fix the front door either that's called this loyalty loyalty would be uh Hashem your husband your daddy works so hard for us and he's very tired at night that's called loyalty your co-worker says to you my husband leaves bags of chips all over the couch and you say yeah my husband leaves a half eaten food on the counter that's called disloyalty loyalty is that must be very frustrating you've done two things with that number one you've been loyal to your husband number two you've stopped her from telling her number three your mother says your husband should help you get the kids to bed disloyalty would be I know I wish he'd also help me clean up loyalty is Mom please don't put my husband down so showing loyalty praise your husband to your kids constantly you cannot overdo it a lot of mothers and for those of you who praise your kid your husband in front of your children so look how good tattoos that giving is devartora your father is the nicest man I have ever met look at the mix for Daddy did for us it's so nice he's got us good donuts for Shabbos praising him in front of the kids there's there's a um you know this whole unfortunately off the Derek kids if you have young kids I see mothers all the time and they throw they throw their husband under the bus so their husband says you know the kids say can I have candy can I have candy and the tati says oh sure have whatever you like and the mother comes in and she says Billy you know whatever whatever the guy's name is floating right and now when the kids become teenagers their whole life they've heard the mother question his authority not put him you know either put him down or criticize him in front of him then when they the mother needs the harshness and the strength of a husband during the kids teenage years which a woman is doesn't have that same way to your father gets home right she's throwing them under the bus already she's spent 10 years storming under the bus and then when the kids the teenagers need him the most there's nobody left so I'm just giving you this forewarning not even married you have to realize that the more you build him up in front of the children the stronger you are as a couple and the the more safety net you will have when the kids are in teenager years okay so I just want to give a um a couple of things for showing loyalty Praise Your Head husband in front of your kids defend your husband and if anyone ever says anything negative about him um never raise your voice to your husband this one's very very crucial how are you supposed to do it not to raise your voice yeah when you're growing any habit like how are you supposed to keep away from the Cheesecake you know it's kind of like your heart right no I mean like not minuscule kind of situation I mean like big ones where let's say for example I'm here now and my husband let's say yeah this is Lady Chloe okay okay place a space that he's at home with his children that's really nice area the kids are notified said let's feed the kids all right ridiculous um [Music] and when you're growing anything what is a desire to grow in that way and then you read and do all the history you can about you really work on how to control your anger how to when you really mad and your husband maybe makes you that maybe he always is pushing your buttons and triggering you and whatever like that okay how to deal with that you've talked with the brevity you go to a therapist you talk to her uh you know you read books about how to do it right so you do you get your motivation [Music] and then very very powerful is to think about the cost of not doing that so people think well I know because he deserved it and you know that's what it is for my parents and and actually when I yelled at him that's when he did it he listened to what I said okay and when he listens to what he you know that it's an effective method so why shouldn't I yell if a person doesn't understand that it makes a husband feel unsafe in his own home but one step at a time you know I'm going to give you a few Aces tonight because I want to tell you this one story here's the thing you're married to this man [Music] thank you [Music] foreign yes [Music] please don't put my husband down but yeah question for you you have said the worst came out of your mouth I will request an auntie I like when you kiss me so you're saying when he does [Music] he will be loyal to him but yeah afterwards see I told you not to eat that boy no people whatever you he's doing you just guaranteed he's just being very sweet and kind about who who told me that that her um she her husband um was doing something that was really really broke and finally after a lot of cooking and whenever she was talking about it and he she said I mean you know if I had a habit but if you didn't like you know I want you to tell me a word so we don't know what's going on behind the scenes but we can all learn a little bit more times okay let's go to the next one okay next one is hey Google is a which is attentive attentive questions so here's the thing remember I was talking about the Mr I was standing on one foot the husband is uh right okay so please everybody knows the things that if they uh as a man that the woman has nine tenths of speech yeah okay fine friends thanks for everybody else okay but here's the thing the key thing that is missing in marriage today and that is a white listening to her husband a wife listening to her husband letting him off what's going on in his chair and I have to tell you women are like are you joking I'm like how was your day your crime let's do nothing how did you go with your boss good you know hello 100 questions for your husband a hundred questions where did you go to Camp why did you go to that camp why did you go together Camp were you in baseball were you in you know did you do kind of work um how can you chose the fields as an accounting what what you know like what what uh What uh what's condition for the future why can't you go into the Space Program you come up with a hundred questions for your husband believe me and I've done caucus to a lot of women and they come in with a murderer and foreign listen to our husband and the more he shares with us the more closed he feels to us and here's the other thing this could be hard for some people always laugh at every joke I don't care how important it is [Applause] you want to bring your husband to your heart you know I have women who just roll their eyes because their husband's making me hardly because they're just like I'm done okay drawings about listening this is actually historically one of my students I was teaching at a everything Foundation of course you guys are hopefully some of you will come into that here with me and uh on the foundation course so they had a homework time from one week that was the homework assignment so I just wanted because she walked at a classroom yeah she knew I was going to call on her she didn't do that homework so she saw her husband sitting on the couch and she had emails to do and she had dishes in the dishwasher and one of the kids still wasn't asleep and you know she had a million pictures I'm doing the homework I'm gonna sit down and I'm gonna go and listen to my husband for 15 minutes okay he talked for one hour and 15 minutes but she said she stood up after an hour and 15 minutes and she's sitting there and she's like that was the stupidest one which was very paralyzed it did nothing it didn't solve anything like that was a waste of time I can't wait to cut Leia I would have waste of time she walks into her kitchen and after this game was like boring conversation she walks into the kitchen and right this is after where all his staff is back to sets of water bottles that they've got in the pasta guess what you can move around and then the most remarkable unbelievable car is destroying this is a true story she walked into the bathroom husband can change the toilet paper so the point of this whole thing is that they and you listen you listen right [Music] your husband will take care of you listen to your husband will take care of it yeah what if you've got the opposite problem he talks Non-Stop and you can't get it yeah you just want to take a quarter of him I I hear that um that's a separate thing if it's something like that it's adorable and you talk about the use and listening so um and he can't get in the morning Edward say you know in a prime time I ready do that communication just remember these things H is POC H is how are you gonna say it how is the outcome desired in communication and T is timing okay so those if you know the remember the security if you're in somebody and you're having a hard time communicating with everything odd but how am I going to say this to them I will ask them when I that's kind of win the argument or am I really trying to get closer to them because you know what I'm not going to bring this up to my husband right now so while he's giving him arrested well you know eaten and you're both good and they're off you can have a conversation cell phones away if you stay with me I want to talk to you about something I don't like a big deal out of it but you know sometimes I find that I have a lot to tell you and I'm so fascinated by everything you're saying fascinating [Music] together [Music] okay so you have to all this stuff is our secret but when you're talking to your husband we say you know I'm so fascinated by everything you say but I sometimes feel like I don't get to be able to share some of my things can we like put a timer you put the problem you make love to solve problems any of the problem you think oh I've got a problem let me talk to my sister my grandma yeah whatever give it to your husband and say you know what do you think we should do how do you think we should do it okay let's do a timer or let's how about Monday's University okay let's do the raffle guys