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CHAZAQ | Mrs. Leah Richeimer | The Five Things You Wish You Knew When You Got Married
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foreign
thank you very much thanks for having me
and I am so excited to be here we are
going to have an awesome time tonight
okay I want to start with the story but
before I do I just want to tell you guys
that sometimes you go and you hear a lot
of inspiration I was like oh wow and
then a week later so what did you learn
you're like um
tonight okay tonight we're gonna learn
that personal growth is a combination of
inspiration which hopefully we'll be
able to do tonight a lot of Aces a lot
of information
plus actions which I'm going to give you
and then a week later you'll remember it
all okay deal okay we're good okay so I
want to start with a story
there is a um the governor of Texas was
driving down the freeway with his wife
and his wife and him you know they were
taking this long lost needed needed
vacation and they're driving down and
they have do they have Cadillacs around
here you know what those big stretch
thing okay you know the big cowboy hat
right he's driving along whatever he
says that the needle of the gasoline is
going down so you pull off the driveway
to get into the gas station and he pulls
up and the guy comes around for full
service and he says uh yeah
they litter up with whatever so fine so
the guy goes now his wife who's sitting
next to him
she begins examining her shoes and she's
picking at the lint on the floor on the
carpet down in front of her he does not
look up the entire time they are at the
gas station
please pull back up on the freeway you
know with a full tank
and the governor says to her I cannot
can I just say something back there you
you were engaged before we got married
right she was yeah yeah we talked about
it and he said that guy who was out here
in Podunk Texas in the middle of nowhere
that was your former fiance wasn't it
and she said
wow how did you get absolutely amazing
and you're absolutely spot on them
and he said and let me guess you
something else you were sitting there
thinking oh my goodness and I had
married that man I would now be the wife
of a gasoline attendant in Cove Domino's
Texas isn't that what you're thinking
dear
and she said no no actually not I was I
was thinking
I was thinking that if I had married him
he would now be the governor
so tonight I'm going to teach you the
secrets and the tricks to have you know
we build our husband I know there's a
lot of single people here and I'm not
gonna I'm gonna include you in this
thing but here's what you want when
you're single and before you get married
everyone says I wish I knew this before
I got married so you're here and you
will know this all before you get
married okay so it's very good but I'm
gonna go be hardcore I'm gonna get I'm
not gonna pull any punches I'm not gonna
candy coat it and say it with you
there's some real issues and you're
going to hear from the women who are
going to say it's really hard we have
conflicts and the people who are not
magnificent
I'm never gonna have a conflict are you
joking so I'm just just prepare yourself
strap your seatbelts off because you're
going to hear some real stuff now how
tonight's gonna go is I'm going to get
I'm going to give the whole information
but equally important to that is we have
the Q a so can I just buy your index
right here so I gave you two index
because I thought maybe if you wanted
one for a little I'm gonna
so you are going everybody's going to
get the opportunity to fill out an index
card with a question at the end so I'm
going to give the share it's going to be
maybe about 50 minutes or so okay very
fun okay and then at the end if you have
to leave and you have to go into
babysitters I totally understand but
everybody else who wants the most
exciting part of this year stay tuned
it's going to be all good but at the end
I'm going to answer them and I do have
um uh it's very to me as I read the
question first I have to drop it from
the Rabbit
syntheticameral's wife on how to do this
so perfectly see this and people can ask
questions about their husbands and about
marriage anything goes I'll be able to
sit what I can say
um and how to do that okay fine okay so
I'm going to start
and I want to um
I want to point out something and this
is whether you're single or you're
married I'm going to say something
that's going to absolutely shock you
what's the grocery store around here for
the market
errands
what is it yeah
okay so if you go into Aaron's okay and
you see the first Jewish woman that you
find right and you go up to her and say
oh I feel like a favor can you tell me
something what is a massura what is her
tradition
for cautious I should say oh you need
milk you need meat you need uh you
shouldn't use this extra bad extra you
for sure can use the answer two hours
you'll talk your ear off now you ask her
what is our masura for shots and she'll
say oh you need um candles you need all
uh the challenge she'll talk to you here
after two hours because she knows
everything there's every person in this
room could tell me if I have a meat for
hot meat pork and a stick in the hot
cheese thing you know you have to
caution it everybody knows the laws of
process they know the laws of of
Shoppers now you ask this woman what's
in Aaron's Casita
and you walk into Aaron's okay you walk
into errands and you ask the woman
um can you do me a favor can you add can
you tell me what is our masora
what is our masura
for Sean bias
she's going to be like let's go bye
she will not know the answer I spoke
with dersha the word 500 people in the
woman I said does anyone want to come up
and tell us what their the game store
official advises they're looking at
their shoes like the devil is like
they're just looking down but here's the
problem
did you how many boxes of tissue do you
have enough boxes of tissue for every
person
we should all be crying about this this
is the
saddest thing you've ever heard okay we
know it's cautious we know shop is like
the back of our hand and yes
Sean Bice
which is the single most important thing
for our happiness
the single most important thing for our
happiness we don't know
what's our what's our song by so right
right I think oh my gosh yeah massive
tissues the questions where did dinosaur
go I don't know my husband and I made
the decision about a decade ago 12 years
ago we made the decision but it's okay
if we have we're on our you know after
120 we're on our deathbed and we're
looking back at our life and we're
saying okay what did we do with our
lives if you had if you had time that
energy equipments and finances to be
able to support something what can we do
so that at 120 we can look at each other
and say you know here's the Legacy we
left in our lifetimes
which I think okay we're going to do
well we could save the whales we could
have the three-legged Beetle over there
there's a lot of different things you
could
what's going to make the biggest because
of the plan if we start a show and
buyers organization
non-profit organization and who gets the
song guys to store vacancies every
person's hands with nobody left out
the same here in case you've been here
every one of you should know the show
and I've got a 15 minutes with you an
hour with you guys right number two
questions but
what can I do how much information you
know standing on one foot like exactly
like really what am I going to do but
what I can do is I can instill in you
and set you on fire inside that I am
going to learn I'm a story for showing
bikes I don't care what it takes she's
right I want to know this not just
because Hashem wants it it's the most
single most important thing to Hashem
but I want to know it because that's the
key to the ultimate happiness in my life
it's the key that you want
you want your kid to do well in school
you want your car to work it the the way
to bring breakfast into on a person's
home and this for you single people it's
you represhold told me that you need to
go around doing as much shopping as you
possibly can Virtual Families
too much
Mrs and you can and create as much home
as you can but the issue is
if I can instill in each one of you a
desire to learn armasaura that's it I
can do in this time and then the rest is
up to you and I'm going to provide you
with lots of opportunities I don't care
what book you read on it I have a
marriage Secrets okay there's 220
tourist sources in here I got to tell
you guys
I'm a full-time volunteer so when when
this when you buy this book I get two
dollars and 23 cents of royalties and
100 of it all my income for all my
lecture fees from everything I do and
then some goes for showing bias
education so if I push this book on you
all I want because I I don't really need
your 2.23 cents it doesn't mean it
anyhow but what I'm going to show you
tonight I'm going to show you practical
tools and I don't care what shown by
Facebook you you need to get yourself
educated and we have if you take a look
at your and I'm going to start with the
curriculum in a second but I just want
you to see this this one is for you to
take home
okay this is for you this and you can
write notes on the back of that one this
one you're turning in we've got a
beautiful raffle here with tote bags and
all these cute little things and cups
yeah yeah and so on this I'm just going
to give you the Action Plan before you
hear even what this is all about because
I want you to be able to understand
actions is what is going to make the
difference between whether you you know
you're on this ship right and you can
jump ship and you can go here and go
working towards Shelby so the first one
is I am giving a free emotional intimacy
master class on September 4th don't ride
on that on the pink one because the pink
one I should we should have printed it
on this but anyway or on the blue one
um September fourth fifth sixth and 7th
for ello a whole class on emotional
intimacy number two is marriage Secrets
Foundation course that's a 13-week
program that is again it cost me four
hundred dollars to put someone through
it in terms of Staff time I've got 18
people on staff we charge 89 dollars for
it you know what I'm saying like someone
said to me today so you're losing three
hundred and eleven dollars every time
someone signs up yes this is if you know
the Missouri you're going to teach it to
your friend and we're gonna we're gonna
make a difference and make a dent in
being able to have um a claw Israel that
has the scholar number three is marriage
Secrets coach training program I'm just
going to spend a second on this and I'm
not going to mention in the other ones
you can just take off on that box
because you're gonna turn those in for
the raffle but
about
um
10 years ago somebody said to me Leia
you know if you go around teaching with
strong guys and Sora you know you might
have much more success if you taught
teachers to teach it you know why you
know you you're one person you'll make
yourself crazy again so so and I was
always you can't how do you interview
somebody for your sharing
so my board said to me you've got a you
know what your schmoole say about this
and I said oh
so I called him up and he said that's
not your job your job is to teach the
Missouri as best as you can and but the
rest just leave the rest of dish and so
a year and a half ago I've trained down
23 and 23 so 46 coaches ones that Brazil
should teaching the whole class with 14
women come every week one's in Chicago
she's teaching she just did a zoom class
with 100 people once teaching in Israel
one like the four in Israel three in
London two in South Africa where else do
I have New Jersey Lakewood I've got them
all right now the 46 teacher trained
people who know
better than anyone on the planet Earth
for reals it's a PhD so if you you if
you see that and I'm like oh I I would
love to learn it so well I'd like the
parnassa to you know you can they're
making 50 75 800 an hour you know
whatever but here's the last point I'm
going to say about this
flying Trail is desperate
for showing by his teachers we are
initial advice crisis right now it's
from the Dome that's not my
interpretation we're stolen buys prices
you are desperately needed this isn't
something you can sit out you have to
push yourself to think if you can do it
and I will train your personal training
with me uh for about four or five months
okay let's get in I want to tell you one
last thing about
um
as I said to him I said I believe is
everyone familiar with schmoo kaminsky's
in the roshishiva of Philadelphia and I
flew to Philly and I said I believe that
the avoda
the work of our generation is showing
bias
and he said Mrs richheimer what exactly
is your source for this and I said well
I was kind of hoping that the Russia
would be my source for this ah he's
laughing and I said I said really people
are running after that sneeze they're
running after listening how are they
running after kids after and internet
addictions and all these things perhaps
if we were to focus on buys all of the
problems in fly Israel would diminish or
disappear and he said Mrs richheimer you
need to teach this to as many people as
that are restored to as many people as
possible one candle should light many
candle and guess what you guys is who
the candles are okay you're the candle
so mirror to Shem together if everyone
in this room if we made this decision
let's make Sean bias the number one
priority of quality Sorel we could make
it happen Okay so just keep that in mind
okay we're going to go right into the
five things you wish you knew before you
got married
the five things
it's a spot now
before I give you
um
show thanks
um
yeah okay
um
so before I give you the five Secrets I
have to tell you that there are four
lies do people know what it means why
bill of goods we've been sold a bill of
goods how do you explain that now your
bill of goods um we've been lied to
whatever there's four lies from the
secular world the whole secular world
has conspired against us
to propagate these four lies and before
I explain to you what our show and bias
and Surah is right you just want to be
standing on one foot explaining Sean
bison sir before I do that I have to
tell you what the four lies are so that
I made it very easy for you lies l-i-e-s
lies okay so the first one is l
and that is the line of later
that you will be happy later
and that um you know when you get the
house that you want when your husband
gets a job he wants when your kid
behaves the way you want him to behave
when when
um uh you're you're you get the dress
you want when not even material things
when your husband starts to put stops
putting you down whatever it is that
later you'll be happy and that's how the
rest that's how they get us to buy
things because like oh if you buy this
you know you're waiting oh when that
package comes from Amazon then I'll be
happy but you have to understand this is
a lie of later it's very good for the
economy but it's miserable for a
person's their Peace of Mind in their
heart and the way we know from hazal
through what we know from hazal is that
we are
exactly where we need to be exactly now
there's no like some future that we're
supposed to be you know that's how the
whole world is about later it's the LIE
of later and our job is to concentrate
and be focused and to savor where we are
right now that's that's what Jose are
teaching us okay the next one is the
live images
starts with i l-i-e-s the live images
that you will be happy when your life
looks like a fairy tale
so we all have been influenced by this
whole thing of you know what what is the
the Knight and shining armor right and
right what color horse does he have
thank you right we all know this nine
Shining Armor needs whisks us off their
feet and he takes us away and whatever
and so now we compare our whole life to
is you know we don't have that God so
when I used to work with dingles for
many decades I did I don't do it anymore
for the last 12 years I've just focused
on showing bias but when I used to work
with singles I could speak with a woman
a girl at that point whatever woman and
I could I could talk to her and within
about three to five minutes I could tell
whether she read no romance novels or
not
just by what her expectations were what
her blown out of her mind you know
thinks oh he's gonna be listening you
know like that so we've been sold a line
of images that puts us in a spot that we
are always comparing the husband who's
right in front of us with our image of
this book you read or this movie we saw
or this you know this uh other oh you
know you look at somebody else's husband
oh I wish my husband was more like that
well you know behind closed doors he
he's you know whatever I was gonna say
you know he just uh he leaves his socks
on the pillow whatever you know whatever
it is
behind the scenes you can just imagine
what it's looking like so but we get
ourselves caught up in these images it's
very very prevalent and as soon as we
know that there's a lie of images it
gives us the opportunity to move on the
other side of it okay the next oh no you
didn't hand any eggs out right no nobody
has eggs promise no one's gonna throw
eggs at me I promise
okay the next one's e right lies e
this is
the LIE
of equality
we have been sold delivers
that if our relationship is equal and he
does the one diaper and I do the next
diaper and I do the dishes and he
doesn't he tries and then whatever we've
been sold the bill of goods the equality
is where our happiness lies and don't
get me wrong I'm not like you know
equality in the workplace I think as a
nation we should be embarrassed that a
woman made 67 cents on a man's phone the
same one you know 60 seconds I'll fight
for that I'll stand up and say this is
wrong
it's the wrong letter for the house
equality is the wrong measure for the
house in a household the measure is
shown
I'll tell you one last statistic about
that oh I'm sorry
okay very sweet
um one last statistic about this a study
came out I think it was about two and a
half years ago
um is it before covert I don't remember
anyway it was out of Denmark and they
did a study of couples who have the most
amount of equal quality in their their
you know Tit for Tat he does this he
does that he does this she does it you
know like that the most amount of
quality and the leadership of Mana
quality and put them on all these charts
and graphs or whatever and it turns out
that the ones that have the highest
equality in the marriage have doubled
the divorce rate as anybody else
double so that ain't the direction we
need to be heading okay the last one for
the s
is the LIE of stuff
the LIE of stuff that getting what you
want will make you happy
you know this is like the whole you know
advertising industry marketing whatever
that if you get that then you're gonna
be happy buy this car you're gonna be
happy have that stroller you'll be happy
you know whatever the the LIE of stuff
and I want to just
um if you have a husband and a wife and
the husband is doing whatever he can to
try and get what he wants from his wife
and the wife is trying to get whatever
she can from her husband you end up with
a gift okay
so what is the core of Happiness what is
the deep deep thing of Happiness it's
giving
so I want that and that's a Jewish
message
you got to get you got to get you gotta
get and
the Jewish rate is giving so I just
wanna who who likes to shop
okay so what's your favorite color
today
Ella okay okay you're walking in look at
this look at the shop clothing shop
around here
she looks in the window
and there's a pink
sweater
it's mohair
okay it's got like fur around the pink
fur around that pose
it's the most gorgeous sweater she has
ever seen since the days
she lost it it's hanging in the window
but she was sent to Macy's and she goes
to the lady that's coming home with me
so the lady goes and she takes down the
sweater and she puts it on Ella and Ella
scanning in front of the window and
having the mirror or whatever and she's
looking she's like this is absolutely
gorgeous and she's looking for a price
like you can't find the lady over just
excuse me um how much is this Twitter
and the lady said oh it's on sale it's
only forty three hundred dollars
is she crazy
[Music]
one day she sees this huge sign like
this and it says massive huge sale
everything goes
and she's like huh so she goes in
whenever she looks on this rack nothing
looks on that racks nothing
lo and behold behind me tucked away and
whatever is there is Ella's pain and she
and she pulls it out and she's spiruly
she kind of looks at the price tag like
this to see what it's really at
37 dollars
she's extended
she puts it on she got exactly what she
wanted Minister Maya how did that happen
is there a size nobody else bought it
then follow it so she comes out and
she's waiting on the do they have Uber
everyone uses Uber here or whatever so
she's waiting for she called her for
Uber she says I'm standing in her
sweater and she's like seeing if after
everybody's noticing a beautiful sweater
actually feels like a million dollars
whatever and on the department here and
there's a lady sitting on the on the
bus stop Pond finish you know whatever
she's sitting there and right next to
her is this little dog and the little
girl is sitting there a little girl has
a sundress on us in the winter sundress
on bare feet
absolutely
oh
buttons your buttons
she goes to the little girl
perhaps her legs and pulls her very
tight and looks at tears just breathing
back downstairs
thank you and the other mother whatever
is looking at her like I don't know how
to thank you and then I was overcome
comes and she gets into the Uber
so the question is
what is going to stay with her the rest
of her life getting the sweater
so these lies have swept us away and
when we shift into the mindset of a yid
now you're ready to hear from the Surah
because tonight you know how I said you
know we don't know we know Shabbos we
know cautious whatever tonight you're
going to learn the entire Missouri in
one night okay and five the five things
are the Missouri and of course it has to
spell something really special and
really meaningful
um
and if you learn if you memorize the
word which is easy to remember if you
remember we're gonna I'm gonna go
through each of them g-e-u-l-a and I'm
going to teach you and and by the end of
that you'll be able to know the entire
masseur and then please God you'll go on
to learn more learn more learn more but
that's going to be our start
okay who can nobody can see this right
where can I put this where you can see
it
is that better
kind of in the middle okay fine Okay so
the first one
and it's going to be different than you
think the first one is grateful
dead to this old world because a screen
you know it's gonna break
pretty good enough
great
okay this is going to be shocking news
okay
the shocking news
is that
has actually the if I had to stand on
one foot and say what are you doing
when you do
um uh
in the grocery store is going to ask you
what kind of store for some Elias the
answer is
the husband is the giver and the wife is
thirsty
the husband is the giver and the wife is
a receiver this is let me use to many
many women they think they're doing all
day long so I'm going to explain
because all Baraka comes from shamayam
through our husbands and to us
so I went to Asher Watson today
explains you are telling me that we have
a woman she wakes up in the morning she
says the whole book of to Hillary she
goes and gives food to the lady down the
street she there's an all Mana up the
street she goes and visits her for two
hours she's carpooling her kids back and
forth doing diapers all day she's
accruing all these Mitzvahs that she's
doing and you're saying she's not
bringing broccoli into the house like
like no I don't get that like hello
and he said Mrs richheimer is correct
she can marriage a lot of she can earn a
lot of bracha and it goes up into
shemaim and it sits and waits for her
but the one and only way that it can
come into her home is through her
husband
no eggs hey look at that
the only way it could come into the home
is through the husband and I'm going to
give you such a simple tool to get more
blood out with your home about raka what
do I mean
a health happiness joy your dishwasher
breaks the your card doesn't break down
the food doesn't burn we all need more
umbrella we all want more branca that's
what we're here for is get this much
problem bringing as much broader into
our home who doesn't need more brother
for 37 sweater you know what I'm saying
it's like this is his brother so how do
we access all that that breakfast is up
in shamayam right how do we get it to us
again I I'm really all I do 24 7 is I'm
a receiver teacher right the husband's
Giver the wife is the receiver and it
turns out the bigger the receiver the
wife is
what happens the more the husbands give
okay so it was like when is the men's
class right
the anuses the emesis the men's class it
he doesn't need first of all they're not
lining up to and you know
so but that's the
uh if a woman becomes a bigger receiver
the man becomes a bigger Giver so I'm
going to give you an example but here's
a a years ago I'm a receiver right and
could Hashem feel this amount of you
know it's like my Hollow ball basically
of course could he throw a backflip
of course could Hashem still a swimming
pool full of brother
absolutely
here's what I'm about to say Hashem an
ocean of braca if you are the size of a
receiver that is in the size of the
ocean
and you have to realize how powerful
this is
because since Adam and kava walked the
face of the Earth right you know that
before I was born
Adam and Hannah
but when they walk the earth Hashem has
provided you exactly you and what does
he do he's given a whole Storehouse of
Russia that you guys have Costco here
okay so just imagine shows after shelf
after shelf and now imagine imagine
Costco every every row is completely
filled with breakfast for you and it's a
thousand times bigger than this Hospital
best position has this review and you're
only at the limitation of how much
broccoli you can have is you're being
able to receive it so how do you receive
it ready okay now now I spent ten
dollars
oh
uh the way that you get access to that
brother is so yum and easy and simple
and delicious all you do is say thank
you
that's it and you say different kinds of
things you say you sit you say you know
thank you so much for this water boy
this water is so good molded it's so
delicious that's also a thank you or oh
I was so in need of this water you can't
believe it
the more you thank your husband
this is not let everything this good
idea this is our three thousand year
host track record bulletproof plan
forgetting bringing more Grandpa into
your home this is and it's guaranteed
and it's guaranteed hear that guarantee
it is guaranteed it will work you try
this at home it is guaranteed not by me
by herself this is what Fazal teaches
and but by the way I have so many
thousands of people come through my
classes and they're all like what did
you teach you
did you really Chase my husband aside
and like teach him a whole secret course
that I don't know about his husband
Randy is thanked and when he's
appreciated he just scored he just wants
to get more there is nothing more
important and more valuable to your
husband I know some of you will say this
is true then to make you happy that's
what he wants more than anything in the
world and it's sometimes hard to see
that a lot of the sentiments he said
this mean thing like how am I going to
thank him he did this and he did that
and he told my mother-in-law that my
sister is a better cook and you know
what all these things that have gone on
and under the table and he won't listen
to me where I told him 400 times keep
the door closed keep the door closed and
every time I walk by itself you really
want me to show appreciation and the
issue is with the Missoura is
unfair but the woman goes first
things
all Barca comes foreign
foreign
I get it I'm sorry it has to be this way
but it just want to know the number one
way to get him to respect you
expected it
and it's guaranteed and it works and
it's default like a new government
because you guys
such a game Shaker for such a gay
teacher okay so we have grateful that's
grateful let's go to the next one
empowering
this one also is a little bit difficult
because
we have been sold
that
me
is everything okay yeah yeah we just
sold at the goods that women need
control
in charge of our household that we
everything should be controlled and
micromanaged and everything should be in
the place especially our husband who
definitely need to be controlled because
he doesn't think about it to a diaper on
the ground you know so we need to
control everything that we've been sold
by the whole wide world says you need to
be in control
here's the problem
there's something far far more important
than more
deep in a woman's discernment in her
heart that she needs far more than
control
connection and closeness connection and
closeness and but the woman gets that
connection and posting it she could care
less I had this one she's a good doctor
and she had this tension in her neck but
you know all the time when she caught
him gadgets or whatever she to PT and OT
and rheumatologist and listen to me a
physical therapist and she went
everywhere to try and get rid of the you
know literally for like
so chiropractor what else and you know
all the things so I had this very
intensive class I was teaching and she
was in it and I told her I told the
woman spend the week saying whatever you
say dear find good no problem dear let
them do whatever he wants about
everything
right she was like Panic stripping she
was walking up she was white as it goes
most of the Moon why does it goes when
they went out of there okay she came
back the next week and I said does
anyone want to share about the whole
month with you it's your hand and she
said I have had tension in my shoulders
for seven years
Leia it's gone
um it's gone
micromanagement
has anyone does anyone's husband set the
table like unlock the door how many
times
right there's so much every little
detail we think the right we look I get
it you guys are smarter and your way is
the correct right
I'm sorry I get it
but the issue is Letting Go especially
about the stupid things so here's the
most beautiful thing about what I'm
teaching you right now this is the most
gorgeous thing
if you let go of control
now let's say your husband oh yeah we're
gonna go out and buy that Ford Escort I
know nothing about cars so if I say an
insult about a car just ignore it so
yeah I want to buy the Ford Escort and
you're like no no this has much better
than mileage and not right you're having
a safe right and I looked it up on
Google here's 17 pages of the
documentation that proves that I'm what
you know
who cares but here's the thing it's not
going to have this it's not going to
have breakfast so now you can have the
first you can he's gonna let's say he
ends up buying the Prius it's going to
be the first lemon Prius okay and if he
had bought the escort and he would just
move out there and let him buy the S4
it's going to have Brava and it's going
to be the first Ford Escort to go 400
000 miles without another change okay
and this is what the power I showed so
what happens here if you were to say to
your husband
you know
uh you know okay you want to buy the
Ford Escort oh okay fine that's good you
know I had some information on the Prius
if you wanted to hear you know okay fine
we'll buy it before Oh you do want to
hear it okay here's the information now
if you give up control
to your husband and you listen to your
husband and besides of being blessed he
will bend his
ears so instead of saying you know
you're saying oh my gosh that's high
if he's if I let him have his way and I
let him have the control he's going to
send the kids to that school to that
camp that they're going to be bullied
the whole year
the whole summer they're going to be
bullied at that camp he's so wrong
but if he's movanta and this is
Robertson College you know who this is
we're going to find pennies daughter and
I went to see her this last a few months
ago November and she said if you move
monsters you will never lose
and here's the thing the more a woman
lets go of control
there's more influence
she has over her husband
it comes in turquoise and I like
turquoise you know whatever it is
if you let your if you let go of control
and let your husband have the control
men need to throw Like Oxygen
a man who doesn't have control in his
own house feels like uh you know people
always ask me what what uh you know my
husband has said for NASA issues I want
to get more pregnant in the house I'm
like does he have the control or if he
doesn't because if a man has control he
will bring more in it's it's this is
cute sweet little idea this is actual
fact okay fine that is um uh empowering
now yeah
not
more connection to Hashem if what you
said empowering means oh empowering
means empowering your husband
and when you said you have to have more
connection you have more connections
no no no oh no a woman a man needs
control like he needs oxygen and a woman
needs connection to her husband more
than anything in the world
more than and you know some people deny
it and do the you know fight with it and
fight their own desires maybe their
husband isn't there for them so they say
oh I don't need him you know we just
have a roommates God forbid you know and
and the point that the thing we know
from Fazal is that a woman it yearns
from her husband and she yearns for her
approval look I I started I don't know
if you anyone knows my story I started
as a stockbroker power broker you know
whatever on the store on the World Trade
Center floor trading Commodities you
know and and you know for me to say oh
yeah really need my husband in anything
like a whip and an idiot but I'm telling
you right now
a woman needs her husband and it's very
hard to get in this day and age in the
western Society whatever to get in touch
with that deep need that we all have and
people deny it we deny it and it's hard
but once you Embrace that then he can do
something and you can get in touch with
your feelings and say you know I really
was hoping to get some positive
reinforcement not criticism on that but
you know whatever they say oh oh I'm
sorry I'm sorry so it's understanding
your own needs okay the next one is
understand
so okay
now let's just say I have um what are
those the spiral thingies you know um
notebook things that they're cute
what is it the flounder
um it's called something it's like uh
what is it Five Star Notebook five
subjects yeah these big statins rather
than the 400 like this bathroom Okay so
let's just say it happens they're going
to be pretty colorful to me it'll be one
of course I mean turquoise
everybody has a number okay and you
start pulling in a script okay guys
here's the assignment I want you to fill
out everything that you want from your
husband
everything
I'm like everything
okay so stupid I want a new shape to
them I want a Tesla I want to go to the
Bahamas I want to just start stop
putting me down in front of my
mother-in-law I want him to you know
like if you're writing everything down
that you want everything
now
you've got you know actually some people
left a few minutes will say oh God
another notebook
when you think about it though when you
think about it it's like our wants this
whole job
this poor he'd never make it happen
you can't make this happen and you know
if you guys were all men and I was a man
and I said okay raise your hand if
you're if your wife is happy with you
then I'll be like oh my God
[Music]
because we had a million millions and
they changed like the weather
now let's say I'm going to do index
cards
now let's say we finished the wand
exercise everybody use the wanted got
these piggy you know they're sitting on
them they're like five stats high and
now in hand everybody an index card
and I say okay ladies I want you to
write down your needs
what you need from your husband
anyone would be like um can I turn it in
later and I I you know I I uh yeah later
no this will take hours to even start to
begin to figure out what your needs are
so here's the big question I have for
you
because everyone otherwise protecting or
their husband doesn't meet their needs
the question is
how can your husband meet your needs
that you don't even know what your needs
are
we don't know what our needs are
and so what we do is we throw all the
wants in the world there and we keep
throwing out about this no you have to
say for nothing
somersault here let's get it we are
making them jump through every hurdle
and everything we possibly can to get
our wants met because our needs not
being met the only way I'm going to do
the standing on one foot there's a very
powerful exercise I have a whole section
in there sequence if I had to do this
because it's really really crucial for
those of you who are single I'm begging
you do this for your marriage for what
you're looking for in a husband because
everybody has a list of wants they want
from their husband they don't know what
they need so they go on day after day
and they want them to be handsome and
gorgeous but they what they need is
somebody who's stable so until you
figure out what your needs are it's very
very hard to find a husband that
actually did an action
but here's what you do you take a fat
notebook it takes about two hours but
it's the most powerful exercise and you
break up everything you want then you go
through and you cross out your wants and
you Circle things that you need so if
you crossed out you know you're like the
Bahamas I'm trustworthy I need that I
need to be trustworthy yeah whatever you
figure out your needs once you have
those you prioritize them you put you
get two or three of your top needs and
then you communicate them to your
husband you don't have to some people do
some people don't
um but you at least you know and then
when he does the you know this woman one
of my students she had every night she
did the homework um she had to deal with
her husband after dinner she did
everything grocery this you know getting
the food cooking the food whatever
putting it on the table setting the
table everything his only job was to do
the dishes after dinner so dinner would
finish and he would say oh sorry going
to learn English movie then he would you
know afterwards oh I'm going to put a
Sheila meat to bed you know for two
hours after he would Dodge and whatever
and every night there was tension in the
home
when she did this exercise she realized
she had a panic disorder which was you
know um you know when all of a sudden
sometimes for exclusive explicit reasons
sometimes not she'd get all nervous like
what's going to be what you know she has
a little bit of a panic attack it wasn't
a horrible thing but it was like in her
stomach he was nervous and her husband
whenever she called him at the work at
work and said you know
um uh I I'm really feeling anxious right
now his answer was you'll be fine
you'll be fine don't worry about it just
go go listen to some music you'll be
fine
which made him feel very bereft let me
wears my husband
she realized that is a much more
important need for others
aside from the fact the attention it
caused in your home so she went to her
husband she said I have a deal for you
you will never have to wash another dish
if you're cooked up if
any time I'm starting to have an anxiety
or a panic or whatever you drop whatever
you are doing I don't care if you're in
the middle of a million dollar real
estate act that you know the deal I
don't care whether you're you know
flying in the middle of an airplane that
you drop whatever you're doing and
you're there for me and you don't get
off the phone until I say it's okay to
get off the phone you know what his
answer was
Russia knowing what our needs are is
crucial not just to us getting them met
which is crucial to our happiness
but giving finally our husbands some
satisfaction
that he is meeting his obligations as a
husband to you that he's taking care of
you that's all what he wants to do more
than anything in the world is take care
of you it may not feel like it but once
you start becoming more of a receiver
you will witness you will want your
husband explain his ability to take care
of you the mentorship okay let's go to
the next one
the next one is L for loyal
so this is actually loyalty is actually
a long lost art in planet Earth you know
it's kind of like it's funny because
when I used to work with singles almost
nobody said loyalty and it's possibly
the thing that a husband needs more than
anything in the world and a white piece
for my husband's loyalty I'm good
actually let me give you some examples
of what loyalty is and what It Isn't So
loyalty is that your husband knows that
you have his back
loyalty makes her husband feel to tr
makes her husband trust us and feel safe
with us like nothing else we do
so
I'm gonna these are examples of
disloyalty your daughter says to you
daddy still hasn't fixed the light bulb
in my closet and you're like yeah he
didn't do the fix the front door either
that's called this loyalty
loyalty would be uh Hashem your husband
your daddy works so hard for us and he's
very tired at night that's called
loyalty
your co-worker says to you my husband
leaves bags of chips all over the couch
and you say yeah my husband leaves a
half eaten food on the counter that's
called disloyalty
loyalty is
that must be very frustrating
you've done two things with that number
one you've been loyal to your husband
number two you've stopped her from
telling her
number three your mother says your
husband should help you get the kids to
bed disloyalty would be I know I wish
he'd also help me clean up
loyalty is Mom please don't put my
husband down
so showing loyalty praise your husband
to your kids constantly you cannot
overdo it
a lot of mothers and for those of you
who praise your kid your husband in
front of your children
so look how good tattoos that giving is
devartora your father is the nicest man
I have ever met look at the mix for
Daddy did for us it's so nice he's got
us good donuts for Shabbos praising him
in front of the kids there's there's a
um you know this whole unfortunately off
the Derek kids if you have young kids I
see mothers all the time and they throw
they throw their husband under the bus
so their husband says you know the kids
say can I have candy can I have candy
and the tati says oh sure have whatever
you like and the mother comes in and she
says Billy
you know whatever whatever the guy's
name is
floating right
and now when the kids become teenagers
their whole life they've heard the
mother question his authority not put
him you know either put him down or
criticize him in front of him then when
they the mother needs the harshness and
the strength of a husband during the
kids teenage years which a woman is
doesn't have that same way to your
father gets home right she's throwing
them under the bus already she's spent
10 years storming under the bus and then
when the kids the teenagers need him the
most there's nobody left so I'm just
giving you this forewarning not even
married you have to realize that the
more you build him up in front of the
children
the stronger you are as a couple and the
the more safety net you will have when
the kids are in teenager years okay so I
just want to give a um a couple of
things for showing loyalty Praise Your
Head husband in front of your kids
defend your husband and if anyone ever
says anything negative about him
um never raise your voice to your
husband this one's very very crucial
how are you supposed to do it
not to raise your voice yeah
when you're growing any habit like how
are you supposed to keep away from the
Cheesecake you know it's kind of like
your heart right no I mean like not
minuscule kind of situation I mean like
big ones where let's say for example I'm
here now and my husband let's say yeah
this is Lady Chloe okay
okay place a space
that he's at home with his children
that's really nice area the kids are
notified
said
let's feed the kids all right ridiculous
um
[Music]
and when you're growing anything what
is a desire to grow in that way and then
you read and do all the history you can
about you really work on how to control
your anger how to when you really mad
and your husband maybe makes you that
maybe he always is pushing your buttons
and triggering you and whatever like
that okay how to deal with that you've
talked with the brevity you go to a
therapist you talk to her uh you know
you read books about how to do it right
so you do you get your motivation
[Music]
and then
very very powerful
is to think about the cost
of not doing that
so people think well I know because he
deserved it and you know that's what it
is for my parents and and actually when
I yelled at him that's when he did it he
listened to what I said okay and when he
listens to what he you know that it's an
effective method so why shouldn't I yell
if a person doesn't understand that it
makes a husband feel unsafe in his own
home
but one step at a time you know I'm
going to give you a few Aces tonight
because I want to tell you this one
story
here's the thing you're married to this
man
[Music]
thank you
[Music]
foreign
yes
[Music]
please don't put my husband down but
yeah
question for you you have said the worst
came out of your mouth I will request an
auntie I like when you kiss me
so you're saying when he does
[Music]
he will be loyal to him but yeah
afterwards see I told you not to eat
that boy no
people
whatever you he's doing
you just guaranteed he's just being very
sweet and kind about
who who told me that that her um
she her husband
um was doing something that was really
really broke
and finally after a lot of cooking and
whenever she was talking about it and he
she said I mean you know if I had a
habit but if you didn't like you know I
want you to tell me
a word
so we don't know what's going on behind
the scenes but we can all learn a little
bit more times okay let's go to the next
one okay next one is
hey
Google is a which is attentive
attentive
questions
so here's the thing
remember I was talking about the Mr I
was standing on one foot
the husband is uh
right okay so
please everybody knows the things that
if they uh as a man that the woman has
nine tenths of speech yeah
okay fine friends thanks for everybody
else okay
but here's the thing the key thing that
is missing in marriage today
and that is a white
listening to her husband
a wife listening to her husband letting
him off
what's going on in his chair and I have
to tell you women are like are you
joking I'm like how was your day your
crime let's do nothing how did you go
with your boss good you know hello
100 questions for your husband
a hundred questions where did you go to
Camp why did you go to that camp why did
you go together Camp were you in
baseball were you in you know did you do
kind of work
um how can you chose the fields as an
accounting what what you know like what
what uh What uh what's condition for the
future why can't you go into the Space
Program
you come up with a hundred questions for
your husband
believe me and I've done caucus to a lot
of women and they come in with a
murderer
and foreign
listen to our husband and the more he
shares with us
the more closed he feels to us
and here's the other thing this could be
hard for some people
always laugh at every joke
I don't care how important it is
[Applause]
you want to bring your husband to your
heart
you know I have women who just roll
their eyes because their husband's
making me hardly because they're just
like I'm done okay
drawings
about listening this is actually
historically one of my students I was
teaching at a
everything
Foundation of course you guys are
hopefully some of you will come into
that here with me and uh on the
foundation course so they had a homework
time from one week
that was the homework assignment so I
just wanted because she walked at a
classroom
yeah
she knew I was going to call on her she
didn't do that homework so she saw her
husband sitting on the couch and she had
emails to do and she had dishes in the
dishwasher and one of the kids still
wasn't asleep and you know she had a
million pictures I'm doing the homework
I'm gonna sit down and I'm gonna go and
listen to my husband for 15 minutes okay
he talked for one hour and 15 minutes
but she said she stood up after an hour
and 15 minutes
and she's sitting there and she's like
that was the stupidest one which was
very paralyzed
it did nothing it didn't solve anything
like that was a waste of time I can't
wait to cut Leia I would have waste of
time
she walks into her kitchen and after
this game was like boring conversation
she walks into the kitchen and right
this is after where all his staff is
back to sets of water bottles that
they've got in the pasta
guess what
you can move around
and then the most remarkable
unbelievable car is destroying this is a
true story she walked into the bathroom
husband can change the toilet paper
so the point of this whole thing is that
they and you listen you listen right
[Music]
your husband will take care of you
listen to your husband will take care of
it yeah
what if you've got the opposite problem
he talks Non-Stop and you can't get it
yeah
you just want to take a quarter of him
I I hear that
um that's a separate thing if it's
something like that it's adorable and
you talk about the use and listening so
um and he can't get in the morning
Edward say you know in a prime time I
ready
do that communication just remember
these things H is POC H is how are you
gonna say it
how is the outcome desired in
communication and T is timing okay so
those if you know the remember the
security if you're in somebody and
you're having a hard time communicating
with everything odd but how am I going
to say this to them I will ask them when
I that's kind of win the argument or am
I really trying to get closer to them
because you know what I'm not going to
bring this up to my husband right now so
while he's giving him
arrested well you know eaten and you're
both good and they're off you can have a
conversation cell phones away if you
stay with me I want to talk to you about
something I don't like a big deal out of
it but you know sometimes I find that I
have a lot to tell you and I'm so
fascinated by everything you're saying
fascinating
[Music]
together
[Music]
okay so you have to all this stuff is
our secret but when you're talking to
your husband we say you know I'm so
fascinated by everything you say but I
sometimes feel like I don't get to be
able to share some of my things can we
like put a timer
you put the problem
you make love to solve problems any of
the problem you think oh I've got a
problem let me talk to my sister my
grandma yeah whatever give it to your
husband and say you know what do you
think we should do how do you think we
should do it okay let's do a timer or
let's how about Monday's University
okay let's do the raffle guys