CHAZAQ's Torah Talks #143 Rabbi Ari Neuwirth - The Importance of Parenting

when your child comes to you and you put your hand on their head and you give them a kiss afterwards tell them something that you are proud of that they exemplified and demonstrated that week this week I saw you help mommy clean the playroom we are so proud of you I heard this week you went there was a kid in your class who was missing a snack your teacher called me and said you gave away a snack that doesn't create jealousy cuz everybody could do that and every week a father has to be cognizant and looking throughout the week for the good in your children how many times do we do that we don't focus on it so I'm very Ultra focused and sometimes I even write it down what am I going to say Friday night and it's an unbelievable tactic it shows love a connection a concern and the kids look forward to [Music] that and welcome to kazak's Tor talks Tuesday night program special guys we have RAB Ari newerth all the way from Edison New Jersey welcome thank you pleasure oh always great to see the rabbi we were actually originally supposed to do this via zoom and I'm so happy that we're doing this in person it's so much better to have the rabi come down to see the operations and we're going to be speaking about B's parenting so important which is an exciting and important topic and before we get to the topic we got a little background about the RAB and the great work you're involv with thank you for having me I took a tour for a few minutes about kazak it's a wonderful place and they should continue doing the good things that they're doing should give you the strength to continue being successful amen amen so my background is as follows I went to Yeshiva oh really near Yeshiva okay then went to Providence Rhode Island got married went to kylo I went to ra Miller Sona millera on J Ocean Avenue I had the to learn by ra Miller in his house for four and a half years until he was nter a lot of what I've learned is from my rabi R vidda Miller a lot of the ASAS the foundations in parenting comes from RAB vidda Miller I had the opportunity to ask him questions while at his shorum in his house and I used to drive him sometimes and ask him even further questions unbelievable wow following K teras suggested that I become a rebi and I moved out to Minneapolis inota became the eighth grade Reby there for many years and from there I became a principal in Denver Colorado wow jump in the around re yes so I'm well-rounded as they say for sure then came back to my roots Staten Island became a man over there in JFS then I went to high school graduated from elementary school went to high school and I ran a high school in Brooklyn called very impressive and um now I'm in Edison and I learn in the mornings and I learn in the evenings in the kylo and I speak around the United States is wherever There's an opportunity I write books I have CDs stories and now we're here today very very very impressive and Y you should continue your amazing work and I know a lot of the uh work that the rabbi does whether it's the book parenting on the paraa whether it's the CDs whether it's the classes whether it's the articles is about parenting it's about what's what's the reason that the rabbi feels or thinks this topic lives this topic as opposed to so many other topics that a person could uh be involved with why is it so important I appreciate the question and I appreciate being brought here to discuss it yeah very important I'll say as follows that as a parent and Hashem giving us the gift of children I want to do it right and as a young parent it becomes very very confusing how do we raise our children properly that's what we all want but sometimes I don't know what the right thing is it's my emotions it's my intuition maybe I'll read the Reader's Digest and get some ideas but is that really the right way and a person could go on in life thinking he's doing it right and things don't turn out so beautiful or as expected so I said to myself I want to learn more about it and I opened up a safer written by RBI the great m zero Obion and he says over there a a foundation the foundation is that is a mission of the highest priority as a parent we have to take that very Ser top priority top priority top why why is it a top priority why is that our mission because it's our future our children are our future and if we don't raise our children properly then what are we going to have in the future it's not just me as a person it's just not me and my family it's your family and your family and everybody else's family it's the whole Seaboard it's the whole congregation together that's involved so I said to myself two things one is my personal life I want to raise good children because hasem endowed me with children it's a gift children are a gift I want to do it right and the other reason is that if whatever I learn I want to spread to others people are always asking friends among friends what do you do in this situation what do you do in this situation you want to be able to give them proper guidance and advice so I decided to speak to Mar read like Zer there's another great sa written by and these are the that got me started on the path of writing books in English writing in the ated writing in the fjj speaking about on Tor any time amazing amazing color code RAB by AR new Earth for for doing this for col for the Jewish people very very much needed and you know just to get a a glimpse or an idea of of the tips or or style um you know one thing that comes to mind as a parent is uh there's there's a certain time part of parenting that feels difficult and uh you know there's different parts that are difficult but this one seems a little bit more difficult than others and that's uh bedtime okay kids let's go to bed and all of a sudden it becomes a whole balagan for lack of better words and a mess and no yes maybe and I need to drink water I need to use I need second I do my homework if you maybe give some tips uh for for for the topic of bedtime so you hit it on the mark this is a question that I've been asked at parenting forms what it do about B time becomes very tense and especially in a family where you have different age children you have older children and you have younger children they want to sleep they need to sleep earlier the older children could take care of themselves but the younger children who need to go to sleep with your Aid and your assistance and they don't want to and becomes a fight and the house becomes very tense what can we do about it I saw mha Feinstein says something very interesting someone asked him Masa a question the question was we all know that on shabas you're not allowed to prepare for the week day it's prohibited someone asked him can you get your child ready for bed on shabas meaning sh's time at the end of shabas but he's not going to go to bed till after chabas so you're putting on the pajamas now you're putting on the pajamas now on chabas there's an hour left to chabas but I know his bedtime is not till after chabas is that permitted or is that considered preparing on chabas for after chabas amazing sh great question so you may think it's silly but it's not Raa says from here you learn a parenting lesson many people feel the way to put your children to sleep is snap a finger bedtime everybody go to bed that's it Mishi sah 7:30 get a pajamas and get into bed and that's where will the fights start is 7:30 a specific time that should be bedtime or that just came out of the rabbi it's it's pretty neutral territory okay because I've heard seven I've heard eight well depends on the age in the age okaya says that it's the ideal because you're not preparing on shabas for after shabas the way you get your child prepared for bedtime is in advance you first notify them schy s you're going to be going to bed in a half an hour and 45 minutes let's start getting ready now finish playing with the blocks finish playing with the puzzles you have another half an hour let's put on your pajamas now now the kid is becoming receptive to bedtime and it doesn't become a fight and it's not tense so it's a buildup Anda says that it is 100% permissible to put on on pajamas and get ready on chabas cuz that's the proper way you're not putting him to bed right now it's an anticipation for after shabas and this is a classic way to Parenting and alleviate the stress when we do it in this way powerful very very very true and it could be the same thing with regards to in essence that's just a cleanup time okay guys done stop playing you know let's put this door no no no no guys another 20 minutes left 10 minutes left get ready we're going to be putting that's what the rabbi suggested give some sort of a buildup that the the child's brain should be ready powerful amazing and it's not only for children by the way even adults even look at yourself and ask yourself if someone comes over to me and says right now get into the car we're going how do you feel you didn't prepare me I I I'll be resistant to it even as adults we want to be acknowledged and prepared in advance that something is about to happen powerful so could you imagine a child how much more so how much more so so many people discuss the topic of of child wearing of Education of children and they say oh education that belongs to the yes to the schools we pay certain amounts for tuition they should deal with it you know I come home from work it's a long day I should be enjoying it's not my job to educate what what what do we say to such a a parent which uh which thinks this way and I've seen this this is a a great question parents do feel that way that I have a financial obligation which is to pay my children's tuition send them to Yeshiva send them to school they take care of the education I take care of the finances that's completely wrong that's only part of it of course you have to pay your financial obligation but that's called helicopter parenting helicopter helicopter meaning you you you take your kid in helicopter and you drop them in the schoolyard and then you lift off and you are fulfilling your obligation but the real success of education is to partner with the school I'm a partner with you I'm a partner with the rabam the rabbis the moros the teachers the principles from the time my child enters school until they graduate and it's not just Elementary School it applies to high school it applies to Seminary it applies to BAS medish the school the yeshivas the isot have to feel that the parents are interested their partners and if they feel that they're interested and they're Partners you're going to have successful children but if you're going to exempt yourself and say it's it's not my concern it's not my worry it's your worry you do it that's not a working partnership that's not going to be successful it's 100% true and we have to constantly call the teachers how is my child doing and it's it's not when they're younger only even when they're older be there for them when your child knows you called and you give over Nas to the child see I just spoke to you rebi I just spoke to you MOA do you know what they said about you and your child feels good wow my parents is interested in me they're giving over and they want to achieve and they want to make me happy every child wants to make their parents happy 100% um one of the things uh that uh that I unfortunately is seen is that there's parents comparing children oh look at uh this one or look at that one and why can't you um I've heard that it's dangerous and not right if the rabbi could touch upon that uh topic of comparison uh also another fabulous question it's a hot topic that creates jealousy and we all learn from that when yobu gave the passim the special coat it created a tremendous upheaval in the family where they sold y so we know from the Torah it's not the right thing to do in a family if we want to acknowledge a child's success don't do it publicly privately do it privately I'm so proud of you did so well in your tests I'm so proud of you you're M you gave in to don't do it in a public but they like the public uh very good absolutely so there are different ways and methods to praising a child for achievement it depends what the achievement is if it's a general achievement you display good MOS so that's something you could say to the whole table because we all want to learn from each other MOS it's not dependent good character traits each should make everybody could achieve good character traits it's not dependent on the mind so there are certain things that Hashem gave us a gift that you have a high IQ you're very intelligent you're very smart that's I that's not for everybody so those type of recognitions You Do privately and you reward them and you let them know about it and they feel good don't post on refrigerator you got 150 on your test you you scored a perfect SAT score you know the Chong can't do that however I'll share with you something and our audience on Friday night is a special time for I'll tell you something that we do in our home sure it's very very effective we sing We Sing shom and then we give to each child right now that's a standard right most homes do that everybody should do that if they don't it's a most opportunity right this is an opportunity yeah amazing opportunity but I'll add to the opportunity when your child comes to you and you put your hand or hands on their head and you give them a kiss afterwards tell them something something that you are proud of that they exemplified and demonstrated that week not just generic and said you know what this week I saw you help mommy clean the playroom we are so proud of you I heard this week you went there was a kid in your class who was missing a snack your teacher called me and said you gave away a snack that doesn't create jealousy that's not jealousy cuz everybody could do that every week a father has to be cognizant and looking throughout the week for the good in your children how many times do we do that we don't focus on it why we we're just too busy so we don't have the time but I know that every Friday night I have a responsibility and not only that my children know that when they get a they're also going to get recognition compliment sometimes they're going to come to me and I'm going to be I forgot I didn't think and they say d you have nothing to say m and you know what it's embarrassing W so I'm very Ultra focused and sometimes I even write it down I write it down or I put it in my phone in my notes and I review it Friday what am I going to say Friday night and it's an unbelievable tactic it shows love a connection a concern and the kids look forward to that powerful and true and amazing Rabbi in New Earth um one thing comes to mind we're talking about positivity when they do something good when they do you know we give them a compliment what about the opposite in scenarios where a child might not have done something that's right or proper to another sibling or at school or at the yard what's the proper way to educate our children do we Okay go to the corner go to the bedroom stay over there for for 20 what what what does the Robbie suggest uh uh for I guess for lck of better words punishment reprimanding reprimanding there you go so you're asking how do we reprimand that children yeah well every situation is different there's no two situation one shoe size fits all that's right and that's why it's so important to read books listen to character by the para let's let's show it to everyone parting the para by Rabbi Ari newor right over here it's amazing every single week's para you're able to connect something yes yes Y and Y okay wow wow amazing approbation SC by here amazing so we don't have all the you have to read you have to learn read you have to ask your ab you have to ask the r of your if you don't know because sometimes when we reprimand in the wrong way it could cause such a wound that is not reparable and we're going to suffer from that and our children going to suffer from that it's just not worth it so even if we see our child do something and it it's necessary to admonish them don't do anything until we know what to do it's better to just okay right do you have to reprimand them right away no even if you reprimand them a day later two days later it's okay but if we have that intuition and that emotion I got to do something right now I got to react right now that it might come from the wrong place from anger right and it could really really cause tremendous damage it's just not worth it 100% true Rabbi Ari North how does one get a copy of parent on the par is it available local Jewish local Jewish bookstores this was published by man Publishers and we thank them for that as well okay amazing okay if you read the book you have you have some sort of you'll feel that okay RAB we have a so many gems we heard so far is a final message for our broad audience I want to import to everybody as follows that we could have all the advice we could read all the books and all the But ultimately the success in raising children properly is through prayer that's first and foremost people ask me so when do you start you start under or maybe even before but at least under the when you're standing there with your wife you should D that you should have children it's a gift to have children and hasm you'll have the children and you ask hashm please give me theay the Heavenly assistance to have the knowledge to properly raise our children the way you want us to re that's first and foremost everything else that we learn from and books is only effort making an effort but we have to know at the end of the day it all comes from the ration 100% I want to conclude with your permission a story oh we love stories and this story will lend itself to a which I want to give to everybody [Music] in there was a mother on Friday afternoon who sent her little boy schy to the molet to the store Supermarket small Supermarket on the corner to buy some special fruits for shabas she gave her son a few schull he went to the store and he's looking at each bin and one bin there was dates and another bin was pomegranates and another bin was figs and then in the next bin was cherries and he was riveted to the cherries he wanted those cherries the owner of the store sees him and he sees his little boy staring at the cherries he say let me take some it's okay take some bring it home for showers he sheeplessleaf and the dates and once again his eyes are focused on the cherries and the owner sees him and he says something I told you already you could take and again he Retreats back and he walks around the store goes to all the bins and reverts right back to the cherries luscious red juicy cherries how you're going to be hungry here the owner says you know something I'll give it to you and the owner digs the sand into the cherries and he puts it into a plastic bag and he says he go home tell your mother gabis he runs out of the store with the bag of cherries he enters the home he says Mommy I got delicious fruits for shabas mhm must says what you get got cherries say cherries I didn't give you enough schull for cherries cherries are expensive he says well I'm going tell you the story I wanted the cherries and the owner says take I didn't want to take and then he told me again take I didn't want to take and then finally he took with his own hand and he gave it to me in the back some say sh I don't understand if he told you to take the first time why' you take why did you have to wait for him to take he says mommy I'll tell you why his hands are bigger than mine powerful the message is that we need BR yeah for sure we need who is the one who has the ultimate power to give us and success is has Hashem I want your hands not my hands not his hands not her hands want your hands give us the BR give us the Heavenly assistance to succeed with the greatest commodity you gave us children they are the future of Clone 100% what a powerful message Rabbi arith the importance of parenting want to thank the rabbi for coming all the way from medicine New Jersey means so much to us and we want to remind our audience every single Tuesday night 8:30 p.m. Eastern Standard Time k.org kazak Tor talks with special guests what an amazing Torah talk we just had I enjoyed every single moment of it Rabbi and we're very very thankful thank you thank you for having me it's a pleasure being here want to thank all of our podcast and platforms and a special shout out to Tor time for hosting this Torah talks podcast and also to daily giving of the holiday goes a very far away we want to remind everyone right now is the season this is the time kak's main mission of getting kids from public schools into after school programs Sunday school programs teion programs all those that can't make it to Yesa where we're really really growing over 1600 from public school to have been transferred many many more with your support k.org chq.org please be part of it please spread the word suggestions for future guests are always welcome and dedications are always welcome thank you very much and only [Music] wow [Music]