CHAZAQ's Torah Talks #33: Rabbi Yosef Palacci - Best Tips for Dating & Marriage

welcome to tuesday's timely tour talks kazakh special program on tuesdays with special guests tonight we have with us our very dear friend rabbi yossi palaci welcome rabbi how you doing thank you very much for having me on and i'm doing great oh my shame doing amazing it's always good to see robbie palachi with his smile and his energy and uh tonight's topic rabbi is gonna be the best tips for dating and shalom bite and uh before we dub into tonight's exciting topic uh can the rabbit please give us our listeners a little bit of a background a little bit uh about yourself so first of all i'd like to like to mention to everybody i'm honored to be on this with um rabbi meiro who himself does a lot of zikwy had a beam all the time going out there which is it gives us some harm because we have to learn from the rabbi they should go out we interviewed robbie feinstein i started saying all these thoughts so at the end of the day regarding um um regarding my background hashem what we do over here in brooklyn the flower bush area uh we do a lot of um outreach from derek we have a school on easter tnu uh we have like a signature class where any from all walks of life i'm talking about people coming from great they keep looking from sand island people come from from all over georgetown no basin marine park they come on wednesday night we have our our signature class um a light awesome energetic class where everybody gets uh a piece of what the parashat is about all these lessons and that's also on tour anytime you can see all those past shows anytime and as well we have a full-fledged rule learning learning around the clock morning learning night learning um um and it's a school that i have to i think hashem publicly that he gave me that honor to uh serve the community and serve the army sale amazing rabbit he has great stuff he's a freaking lecturer at azak and many other programs and uh so like we said tonight's topic is uh best tips for dating and and challenge but we'll start off with i guess dating maybe the rabbit will connect it to sean biden somewhere somehow you gotta listen this is a very big topic you should do him and dating you got me so the first question is how does one know when it's time for them to start dating to start the shidduchim process to be in the parashat to start looking for a wife or looking for to to go out with it with the guy all right that's a great question and the answer to this question is first of all we always have for every answer we always have to look out what it says in the praca the rabbis and i've been listening to victor miller and and if you listen to her victor miller he has actually a um thousand classes amazing life changing and he writes over there as young as possible meaning he says when a girl uh let's say let's take a girl she finishes she's finishing high school right away best as he can and a boy he even mentions that as well about 22 23. that's that's what he as he actually says mentions if if you're more mature even younger 20 you know says 20 if he doesn't get married okay guy needs a little bit more time a year or two okay 22 23 but you never want to extend it too uh too long you never want to do that it's like i remember my rebbe once said it's like milk you know you don't want it to spoil you're young and fresh and you look good go for it don't be afraid i'll never forget rabbi yitzhak china if you never remember china oh wow he passed away this past year i went to his house i visited one of the dogs one of the doors of china i remember when i was 22 years old and um and i was in jersey he came to visit one of the big big schools in jersey and uh my father says you know seth joey i want you to visit this rabbi he seems amazing and he was like in that maybe in the 90s 80s like he's the 80s high 80s i walk in i see can you shine his face he looks at me says uh what's the matter he's like i tell him listen i'll tell you the truth i'm 22 i'm getting nervous uh to get married you know i'm gonna live with a girl one girl one lady the rest of my life you know you know what that is i'm thinking well and that's it you know this is my this is my wife to be forever i'm nervous and i'll never forget his reaction to me on that and he looked at me he smiled and he's like don't be nervous it's amazing and it's great just go for it and that's what i'm saying sometimes in life a guy is like 22 23 a girl's like 17 18. she might be nervous oh am i mature enough am i ready enough you gotta just do it you gotta just do it and when you do that you'll see this just comes wow where'd it happen you know people get nervous so sometimes that might lead them back wait i don't want to start now i don't want to do this now do it at your prime you know do it at your prime you know basketball players have a prime you know 17 whatever 18 19 whatever 35 the the girl and the guys got to know the prime years as he is and they prohibit says when a father and mother take responsibility in order to get married when i was marriageable age i'll never forget right away i got on that phone i i asked my friends who is the shatterham who's going out who's matchmakers and i went all out and that's what i did hashem uh right after that i got married you know i got mad when i was 23. beautiful amazing i mean yeah so so it leads us to the next question right which uh you know okay someone goes or is looking for to to go out but what does one look for in a boy or a girl when they're on a off or they have a uh you know they did they were suggested a certain uh boy or girl what what what are they looking for what to look for in a spouse now this is this has to do also by the way it's everything in life this is the whole package of dating and shalom let me explain and that is like this first of all before you're going out rabbi usher zelig rubenstein he was a rebbe and mikdash bella and he told us he told us the name of the hazarish says a girl or guy a man or woman that has a kitten that has a good name that for example they get along with everybody when you when you get when you get a person in your life that can get along with everybody then just rest assure when that person you marry they're going to get along with your whole entire family as well they're going to get along with your parents they're going to get along with your brothers they're going to get along with your sisters and that's a very very very big point there you know um um somebody was going out to durham and uh and uh he asked about this girl this what's this girl like and uh he found out that she's a butter she's a butterfly it was a butterfly doesn't mean butterfly and he's calling me up right what's up but i find out it says butterfly means that this girl can get along with all groups like i remember when i was in high school right you know you had the cool group you had to lose a group you had the middle group you had the rich group you had the yeah a million groups i i remember when i was in high school different different groups so now you have all these different groups and sometimes the person clicks in one group and that's it and then you have this this this girl that he's going out with and says no she said she's a butterfly she could go and she'd be best friends with anybody in any group any time because they all love her because she's the best or he is the best in in in getting along with people you want that girl that gets along with people that guy that gets more people because that it shows that this personality this personality in there that's one thing second thing is that we know is which i think everybody speaks about that um a good character because at the end of the day between me and you and as we i know you're married for many years and i'm married for many years as you go on in life you see that you know a person ages he's not going to be the same 18 19 20 21 he'll be 50 60 70. and then you look back wait this person's supposed to be the macho man the cutest guy does that but at the end of the day his looks right he starts getting gray nice he starts getting he's not scared listen great great great great great people like you know it look it looks sharp it looks nice i was saying sometimes oh wait what's going be the my point is the looks change the looks change and therefore a person cannot go and be shallow shallow means oh i'm only looking at the looks no you wanna you want a presentable person to to be married to yes we understand but now you can only take the looks as the main factor that's a problem you got to take the main factor in this because the good character will always be with that person we'll always be with that person the good character that you marry when when the person the girl that you marry she's 95 years old her character traits are like by the way honey you're the best you're the best you're the best you understand i'm trying to say her her looks might be 95 year old age lady but at the end of the day her midota always there that genuine person that you married so again to repeat first one with this question is what do you look for first of all like we said a kentuc a person that that could get along with people and secondly is midotovot the good character trait of course i'm not going into the religious aspects of course yeshua has been religious the person to be religious we're not going into that we're going into we have all the factors now what you look for make sure the top priority is good character because that's what stays forever beautiful rabbi palacio amazing very very inspiring and uh straight to the point love it love it love it leads us to our next question which is what should you do before going out on a date like okay fine you're finally suggested a certain guy or a certain girl boy or a girl right uh what what what's your one okay prepare the answer the answer i'll tell you like this from abroad and the first time i met him i i literally told every yeshiva about him he has to come to the sheba to speak and i remember in my youtube i brought him in and they loved him and every month we got him almost every other month he said like this he said that when you get the first phone call they're telling you oh by the way you want to go out with so-and-so hold on hold on hold on put him you you know hold on say a perk of the healing that's the first this is the first this is the island man you start with daily because like everybody knows and um that's the first thing uh second thing of course this should be done prior should be praying praying davening prior much much prior you know you don't want to wait such a document pray you want to pray you know put the filot in the bank in advance oh you know so so that's very important and um and you should of course do the utmost um um calling about that person my rebbe was here with me yesterday happens to be he's marrying off his uh daughter and he was on the phone and was supposed to learn he says he stopped for like 15-20 minutes to take a phone call about you know shidduchim and things like that and after the phone call like you know i was looking i was like wow we just like lost 15 minutes i didn't think like that but he was thinking oh you think he lost no no he tells me no no you're learning from your rebbe how to act when it comes to the time when you have to marry off your kids or you have to go on a supposed to do is what i heard of every question asking every question but miller says you ask if if they tell you oh he's amazing she's amazing at lower not lower notch lower the notch you know what i'm saying you know and then she says oh yeah it's okay she's a good girl oh yeah she's a good guy forget about it he says forget about that next next you understand because nobody says oh yeah he's bad but you could hear and sense it on the phone call when you're asking oh by the way you have to have that sixth sense wait wait how's this boy or how's this girl and right away you could feel the vibe i'll never forget i got a phone call i got a phone call this girl from this from the mother she called me up she says how is this this guy what do you think about him and i know this person good good and i said she asked me a spot on question like such a question that hit the core that this person does not have and i i froze for a second and i started answering i'm like well like that she said i forget it's not for me i was like what do you mean it says the second i see it was because she knew she got it spot on and that person was like you know she wanted a positive that was a negative he doesn't have that that person didn't have that was a negative so i'm like well um he's like okay rob i got it so you have to have that sense you gotta first of all like we said say the first pick if they alien you got to pray prior and the third thing is um like we said when you're asking those questions have that sixth sense of feeling things out right away beautiful rabbit palace amazing amazing and uh you know someone is taking these advice in the middle of dating you know it's going you know one two three four five six dates whatever it is but how how does one really know if uh he's really connected or she's really connected to the person they are dating like how do they know the one or you know this is this is this is where how do you know this is the one how do you know if you really connect with her um or her or her more and and the answer by the way is this is also shalom bait by the way so to answer this i'm going to tell you a story there's a story with rabbi um herman you have here remember yeah very faithful for the book exactly that was one of the first fareem that i read um like the english one oh my goodness i fell in love if anybody didn't read it yet that's like a standard classic for the boss anyway so he wrote all for the boss and um he had a daughter that just got married and the husband and wife the katar and kala was sitting literally right next to each other they were sitting side by side and um as it's sitting side by side the the the the girl his daughter says to her father daddy you and mommy are sitting so far away you're on one side and she's on the other side but me and my husband went so close so he answered it like this when you're married all these years even when i'm on this side of the table and mommy's on that side of the table it's we're so connected that we're sitting together right next to each other that's the answer he says but you two you're just getting married so you have to feel that connection so therefore you have to sit next to each other to feel that connection we don't have to and i'm going to tell you a very important point and i'll quote you what the torah says when um it's took rifka rabbi you ready for this puzzle we're ready we're ready it says he married but the hilo isha he became his she became his wife his heart's wife this is the main thing again it says after he took her as a wife he started the love started um generating more and more because the person has to understand marriage is a build up it's not like oh yeah you can you could sense if you connect to that person right now what about the love of that person the love builds through years the love builds through years as you go on a husband and wife they're really one body it's one goof it's histor they said there was one time there was one um i think it was bad labor was yeah it was it was his wife a question so she walked in there's having some questions i've seen him stood up from his chair and said i am giving respect to the wife of this bear labor with so he stood up out of the cavord of her why is talking before their one body and and to get that feeling of one and oneness and everything like that you feel the connection a person could feel the vibe as they're going out if if you could feel that now what about the love part about it that love builds up builds up builds up builds up builds up the marriage is let's say you know you have a one year anniversary five year anniversary 10 year anniversary 40th 50th anniversary already the relationship becomes like so so strong where it's mamash one body beautiful beautiful rabbit palacio amazing amazing amazing okay so uh the next question is you know a guy they're going out and uh unfortunately one rejects the other or even before going out you know mentioned and they're rejected so what's the best reaction to have when you get rejected in a date well what are the young guys but what should everyone know all right this is this is a solid solid question you know um how to deal with rejection right that's and that's uh that's solid i mean uh that's pretty hard and of course to answer all questions we gotta look back in the torah to see the answer to our rabbi see the answer with our rabbi as i'll say and this is um um what do you do when you like that person and you gotta reject it and she says no he says no the answer to this question is found it's in the torah all right promise answers this question and it's in dalit and it's pasuk memtet this is the story where eliezed is asking to take rifka as fiat and our quote and he talks to her his father with god's father bethuel and her brother lavan and he says like this is tell me yes tell me now and what's his next reaction oh i'll smoke i'll go to the right of me i'll go to the left of me and she explains that meaning to say his reaction is eliezer has a fantastic reaction he's like wait wait wait wait let's slow down you want you you want rifka we won't if coffee is high you want yes or no yes great if don't tell me and if you don't want tell me and i'll leave now you mean i'll go elsewhere the reaction for rejection is a person's got to move on it might it might hurt yes i'm not saying you're not going to hurt yeah it might hurt rejection nobody likes rejection nobody likes to say no and oh no you know what nr stands for and oh next opportunity yeah that's a nobody likes rejection but that that feeling will definitely definitely definitely i want to tell you something i remember there was a person that called me as a girl called me up and and i picked up sometimes the call um i said who is it you know i don't know i don't know who is it rob hi how are you i was like i was like who is this he's saying you don't know you don't recognize me i don't know who this is i don't know oh good good good now i can tell you my problem you know she wants to say okay i don't know what this is i have no clue what happened she's like look look look look she's not stressed on me that she her best friend she was dating a guy her best friend just and the guy broke up with her and and now this guy went to date her best best friend and she's like rabbi this kills me this kills me well i can't leave probably it's just driving me up the wall so she's like you got to come i got to tell me so i can't go i go i can't get sleep at night i don't know what to do i was like look this feeling will go away hundred percent rejection list and less and less but the rejection eventually at hashem made a broke out of time where as time passes you'll see that you will um you'll you want yes you know what it's time to move on i'll go elsewhere and i'll find it there's a next next time yeah the opportunity it feels hurt that feeling will go away and guess what's my next next next thought is i move on i have to move on in life that's it finished you said no you said no finish let's go move on and by the way this is a lesson in everything by the way it's a lesson in everything if you want a job opportunity or you want to this or you wanted that and they tell you no what's the reaction come on that's it you know a lot of times sometimes you a person is teaching somebody over something something you know rabbi i want to go to the next uh uh let's say for example i want to go here i want to go to the next level i want to go there's one of that and i feel like it was time for me to go to kohler all day great move on go we'll move on we'll get other people my point is you got to move on in life you can't nothing could bog you down even traveling by even this okay let's say yeah yeah your wife asked you for something and and he said no i'm sorry you can't yet she's she could either hold it on or say no brother move on no you said no he said no that's gone or vice versa whatever it is let's go let's go move on next beautiful [Laughter] beautiful words but unfortunately we have to end off with our famous last question in these program interview tuesday's timely torah talks is one final message rabbi one final thought for our broad audience that you want to leave with us uh last takeaway definitely last takeaways like this what we said on this podcast and i kid you not if you see what we said in this card case it's a very very important it it's not this is not one of those things where okay fine i heard it great tuesday uh tuesday talk is over i'll see you later this is one of those talks where a person whoever he is to go over it it really i'm being very serious to go over what we said it's something to go over and and pass it on to someone that needs it because really really we covered awesome pointers from our rabbis and from the torah and there's a lot of people out there that need this advice and the going take home is you got to review this and pass it along to the ones who need it don't just say okay the talk is over i'll see you later and vote no think and try to help other people there's there's a friend out there she's not married there's a guy out there he's not married let me give him some of this talk to hear what torah says about him or about shalom about whatever it is and when you go through it you will help that person and all it is it takes a little bit of a you know a forwarding or call them up on the phone by the way you got to hear this talk uh from this right by me you're off with apology that's all you have to do just one little thing and guess what it'll be beneficial to that because i'm not saying what i feel i'm saying what our rabbis are teaching us and what the torah is teaching us and what you're doing is you're spreading torah by spreading this talk beautiful robbie palaji and that's the most important thing one can do is to spread to be torah to the heart to spread torah to the masses and into the biggest mitzvah we always uh talk and mention and encourage people to do this at hazak to spread to encourage people to not only come yourself but to bring others as well thank you very much and then we got to do this more often and everybody needs more more sure let's review the lessons and um rabbi i want to thank you very much and all the listeners for uh listening into this podcast i'm very honored that you had me as a guest and hopefully i'll come more often to all the listeners every single tuesday tuesdays tommy torton kazakh's tuesday programs available on all the podcasts and all these different platforms i don't even know how this works god bless our office have fun headed by robbie and and co and team and uh have a great day night and uh please uh join us every single tuesday and every single program rabbi all the best thank you you