"Dating and Marriage" with Rabbi Benzion Shafier from "The Shmuz"

start first of all I'd like to first of all before I can't forget this the she tonight is for f shalma of lizb Hava um first I'd like to thank kazak for arranging this janiv is a is a Powerhouse he's just so so so driven and so focused I want to thank him I want to thank the the sh for opening the doors I before I before I give the share I want to mention because sometimes I forget there are a number of things that are available outside there's the n and the par book there's um finding and keeping your soulmate book how many people are still um looking everyone everyone I hope not everyone I hope not everyone I saw some Wives come in I hope not everyone but okay in any case um finding teing a soulmate book is available um very important this is something that just came out it's called the marriage seminar it's a very extensive series it's a 12 both part series that deals with the um a lot of the basics of marriage it's something that I just to be honest with you I've been dealing with married couples now for a good while and um you know everybody waits to get married waits to get married and then a lot of times you get married and you find out that you knew nothing about marriage and and it's not quite as beautiful as you thought it was and a lot of times the reason is because both husband and wife don't understand the mechanics they don't understand the relationship so it's a very extensive um it's 12 sh goes through a lot of the issues of understanding your spouse understanding relationship so whether you're married or not I highly recommend it it's heavily sponsored so um even though it's a very um extensive series it's available for $35 because our we got a lot of sponsors to get behind it so I highly recommend it they'll be available after this year I'm sorry there will be RV after the sh okay okay the to this evening is build as dating a marriage and what I'd like to do is see if we can bring this into a perspective as Torah Jews understand how a Jew should approach this situation as any situation and really to understand how to do that I think we have to Grapple with the most difficult problem that we are faced with and that is the balance between amuna and is what is hashem's role what's my role if I accept that Hashem is involved in the running of the world so what am I supposed to be doing how much and how much trust how much involvement getting this balance is one of the most difficult jobs that we have and I'd like to spend some time on it this evening and then we'll see how it applies to life and then marriage dating the whole routine so let's begin with what I consider an obvious contradiction a very well known gamar the amount of money that a person is to make is set on with the exception of monies that he spends on chamus every penny that you were to make this year whether it's $50,000 $500,000 $5 million the exact dollar amount is set on rashash with the exception of these three areas monies that you spend on chabas if you spend more they'll give you more you spend less they'll give you less monies that you spend on yff and monies that you spend on your children's Torah education in those three areas it's sort of a flex account the more you spend the more you get back but outside those three areas the exact dollar amount that you are to make this year is set on rash and that's a well-known concept well-known gor the problem is that that seems to be a contradiction to another statement makes says there are four things that a person has to constantly give himself motivation psych himself up give himself a real pep talk all the time about what are those four things Torah Torah a person requires motivation it's not easy to see the reward for learning Torah it's difficult sometimes to do it to also makes sense it's hard to be other centered we as human beings have at least half of us that are completely self-centered for me to look out for the interest of another human being is difficult I understand that doing is also difficult for me to understand that I'm speaking to my Creator right here that I'm speaking to hasm not 13 billion light years up in heaven but I'm speaking to asem right here requires requires motivation requires Focus so so the first three areas I understand but the fourth area that a person must constantly be thems constantly gives himself is something called D and Rashi explains what that means if he is a merchant he has to go out there study the marketplace get up early in the morning and with tremendous Zeal and energy go out there and earn his living if he's a Craftsman he has to learn his craft and work at it very very diligent if he's a warrior he has to G his lines hold his sword and fight with tremendous energy this is one of the areas that a person has to constantly thems constantly motivate thems constantly give thems pep them about so here's the question if the amount of money that I'm to make this year is set on rashash what I need all this about why don't need all this motivation all this drive get up early work so hard if I'm to make a certain amount of money that amount of money is set what I have to work so hard for few hours a day 2 3 hours maximum but why would the gor say that you have to constantly be work very hard focus on it give yourself constant motivational speeches it should be enough if you just go out there and do a little bit because the dollar amount is set by Hashem and these two garas sound to be contradictory and I'd like to see if we can answer this contradiction and better understand what is a expected from us and to do that let's focus on hashem's role first hashem's part in the equation and then we'll see if we can understand our part so to focus on hashem's part let me share with you an interesting thought there's a Lo say the Torah it is forbidden for a Jew to take n if you did bad to me I'm forbidden to take revenge now normally we understand that as humanistic listen if you've done me an ill if I take revenge against you it's going to cause unrest it's going to cause social it's going to cause mlus there'll be a lot of issues so we normally understand that don't take revenge because it'll be better for the community better for people life will be better now that may be true but the says that's not the reason for the Mitzvah he says don't take revenge why because if you take revenge you're imputing powers to man you're pretending that man has power that he doesn't have if you take revenge you're pretending that that human being can harm you and explains the you have to understand that no human being can harm you if that pain wasn't destined to come to you he couldn't touch you and if that pain was destined to come to you there's nothing that he could have done to stop it or anyone else you would have suffered that when you take revenge you're pretending that that human being controls your destiny and you have to understand the basics of our imuna system is that no human being can harm me everything is decreed by hasem and Hashem controls everything and explains this at length he says the underpinnings the basics of our imuna system is understanding that no human being can harm me no human being can help me you can dream you can scheme if this pain is not coming to me you will not be able to affect me if you'd like to understand life from this perspective imagine when you're walking down the street there's a loose sight bubble that protects me you can try to throw stones you could try to punch you cannot penetrate that bubble there's no loose like bubble but Hashem is there Hashem was with with me 24/7 365 guarding exactly that which is supposed to happen to happen and that's the underpinning the basics of our immun system and I'd like to share with you how far that goes I had a teacher when I was a little kid who taught us how to take a compliment I remember very clearly she said to us don't squirm don't turn away when someone gives you a compliment you look them in the eye and you say thank you very much no that's a good life lesson how to take a compliment but I never had a teacher who taught me how to take an insult but the of says I'll teach you how to take an insult when someone rips into you when someone cuts into the essence of you you're supposed to turn your eyes heavenward and say thank you Hashem for revealing a little of my many flaws because I have to understand that those words would not have come to me that pain would not have come to me if it weren't for Hashem you're but the loudspeaker I didn't ask you to be the nudnik I didn't ask you to be the one to deliver it but if it weren't coming to me you could not have changed my destiny and if that pain was coming from me to me if you hadn't said I would have slipped on the stairs on the way up I would have spilled a cup of hot soup that embarrassment that pain was destined to come from me and you can't change my destiny and if you'd like to really understand this I have a mush that I think helps a little bit imagine I'm speaking to you and imagine it's a big room and I'm speaking through a microphone and to a loudspeaker okay and at a certain point I start I pick one person I say you're a B I start calling it names and embarrass you and you turn red you turn white you Fury how I see imp help you stand up you walk up with the speaker you punch it right in the subwoofer now if you walked over to me and punched me in the jaw we could debate whether it's clever or not but you don't punch the the loudspeaker there's a person speaking into the microphone and the sound comes out of the speaker explains you have to understand that no human being can harm you those words were coming to you those words are being directed you again I didn't ask you to be the delivery boy but those words were coming to me because no human being can harm me and as no human being can harm me no human being can help me my uncle could be the head of SLO kering but if my time is up there's nothing he's going to do to change things you could be the wealthiest fellow in North America if this money wasn't destined to come to me you'll donate huge amounts to me it'll come in one pocket go out the other and understand in that no human being can harm me no human being can help me is the basics of our entire belief system the basics of oura the basics of what it means to be a Jew and I guess we could call that hashem's role in the equation that's aem's part constantly there 24/7 365 with me when I open my eyes in the morning with me when I close my eyes at night with me when I get on that Highway 50,000 deaths on the US Highway System every year anybody would get on the highway and go 50,000 that's more soldiers than died in Vietnam many 10 times more than died in Iraq oh my goodness 50th every year I'm not driving on the highway anymore I'm going to stick on local streets sorry I tell you there's a greater incident of accidents in local streets in highway I'm not driving anymore would you like to know why you shouldn't feel that fear because when you get behind the wheel of the car you're supposed to know Hashem is here Hashem is with me as I walk up the stairs Hashem is with me as I walk down the stairs Hashem is with me as I step into that elevator and I trust fully that I'll arrive on the 86th floor the cables won't snap the elevator cab won't not be there but understanding that Hashem orchestrates this world delivers exactly that which is supposed to be hasem is with me 24/7 is again the underpinnings of our imuno system and is what call hashem's role Hashem runs the world okay so the problem then is good so what's our part if Hashem controls Destinies determines how much money every result so what's our role in the equation what's our part so to understand this I'd like to share with you something from a different part of the Torah makes a very important observation he says there are certain parts of the Torah that are EXT are narrowly brief and certain parts that are very lengthen he says look at par Noah we have a very detailed description of the Tava 300 am long 50 amas wide 30 am tall ask what in the world do we need to know that information why do we need to know the length the dimension the depth why is it relevant to us thousands of years later explains in he says there's a tremendous lesson to us you see if you do the math let's assume an armor about 2 ft 300 amas means it's about 600 ft long maybe 100t wide 60t tall if you think of all the animals in creation you'll quickly realize they couldn't possibly fit into a boat that small the Bron zoo is on 265 acres and they don't house all the animals in creation explains that if you had 50 such tavas 50 such arcs that couldn't possibly contain all the animals in creation rather Noah was commanded to build something as much as he could and then says and this is an operating principle in the Torah he says throughout the Torah you'll see that a human being is commanded with doing as much as he can and only when he's exhausted as much as he can possibly do then he's allowed to be relying on the miracle explains was saying to Noah you have to build a table you can't just rely on Miracles you have to build a boat now you can't possibly build a boat large enough to contain the the rhinosaur the elephants the giraffes you can't possibly build a boat big enough build as much as you can and once you've exhausted the once you've used the ways of the world as much as you can then you can rely on the Miracle but only once you've exhausted the once you've done as much as you can in the ways of the world then you could rely on the miracle and explains that that's an operating principle that you'll find throughout tanak everywhere over and over man is commanded to use this world in the ways of the world and only once he's exhausted his efforts then it could reely on a miracle he says for instance Yeshua was commanded to take the Jewish nation into ER Erol at the time was occupied by Giants each of the Cities was fortified tremendous fortifications and they knew that according to the ways of the world they couldn't possibly win yet every battle was one miraculously every battle against huge powerful armies the enemies were destroyed and not a single Jewish Soldier died in one battle when one Jewish Soldier died the question was what happened so so wait a minute why then did Yeshua command the Jews sharpen your swords put on your AR armor get ready for battle they knew anyway it had to be a miracle they knew anyway they're going to win these wars with tremendous explains because this is the principle you have to do whatever you can in the ways of the world once you've exhausted that then you could rely on the Miracle but not a moment before they have to put on their armor sharpen their swords get ready for battle because that's the way is the world and once you've done that then you can rely on Hashem but not a minute before before and the brings a phenomenal case of exactly this concept he says listen very carefully Hashem says to I'm disgusted with sha I no longer want sha to be the king I want you to go to yesi one of his sons will be the Future King says how can I go the sh sh will hear V don't kill me says back to take a little Cal you'll tell sha that you're bringing a carbon he'll fall for the trick that's in fact what did says wait a minute hasem should have blasted him a you're afraid of sh a king Flesh and Blood I am the creator of the heavens and the Earth who gives life you tell me you're afraid of a king but not only didn't hasem blast Hashem said you're right okay here's the plan take this little agle take this little Cal you'll tell sha that we're you bring the carbon explains why didn't blast because what did was right it was a it was dangerous and even a noem a prophet when hasem is speaking to him directly has no right to violate the the way of nature because in all activities a person has to go in the ways of the world and once he's EX exhausted once he's done as much as he can then he could rely on the Miracle but not a minute before and if you'd like to know the answer to both of these gamar they're absolutely consistent there's no contradiction I have to know that the amount of money I am to make this year is set on rashash not a penny more and not a penny less but I still have my job to do my job is to use the world in the ways of the world if I'm sick I go to a doctor but not to a doctor I go to the best medical practitioner I can find and I get a second opinion and a third opinion and once I've exhausted all of my efforts then I say the words hasem you run the world whether I live whether I die whether I'm healthy whether I'm sick it's up to you I've done my part now it's up to you but both of these garas are consistent hasem decrees exactly how much money I have to make but I got to go out there and earn a living and if I'm a merchant I have to study the marketplace I have to use my wisdom I have to get up early in the morning and work very diligently be very focused because that's the ways of the world that's a and all the while while I'm going through the motions I have to recognize that the Motions don't determine the outcome I'm commanded to do this this is the way hasm wants me to use the world but it's not this effort that brings the result whatever the result is is going to happen but I still have to do my part and this concept is very very difficult to really get a grip on and really apply and I have a mush a parable that I think makes it a little bit easier imagine the following imagine you had a Broadway play and imagine at the end of the play the two stars two men get into a fight one punches other kicks and they grab each other and grappling and they're rolling on the floor the curtain comes down plays over okay 10 minutes after you go backstage and you see the two actors one slaps the other one on the back who you're kick t i was great oh and your punch I barely you were great what are you guys doing and laughing slapping each other 10 minutes ago you on the floor struggling kicking each other we weren't on the floor there was there was a choreograph fight scene we're going through the motions I was supposed to punch he was supposed to duck and that's our I have to go out there and to all intents and purposes to everyone watching me it looks like I'm the one who's determining it and I have to know that what I do doesn't affect the outcome whatsoever exactly that which Hashem decreed will be be not an ioda less not an Iota more and I have to go out there and be very diligent very focused knowing that it will not make a difference in terms of what's going to happen and this balance is something that we're challenge with throughout every activity throughout the gamut of all of our life's issues we have to be very focused on using the world the way hasem wants us to and we have to know that there's a creator of the heavens and earth who orchestrates everything and interestingly enough gives us a system to earn a living He says how should you earn your living how should you make a living He says really it's quite simple Hashem gives a gives a nature to every one of the animals in the Wild Kingdom the robin instinctively hungers for the worm the lion instinctively hunts the deer the robin doesn't sit down and say hm based on the General avability as well as a nutritional value I think I'll use the worm as my food staple there's an instinct there's a desire there's an inborn nature into each of the animals in creation how to earn its keep and as Hashem gave each of the animals in the Wild Kingdom an instinct a desire to earn its living so too did Hashem give each human being a an instinct and a desire for particular type of Mal particular type of activ ity via which they should earn their living you ever notice some people are just really good with their hands some people are very very creative some people are number guys some people are sales men Hashem gave each person a different nature a different inclination and what you're supposed to do is you're supposed to follow that that's your isas that's your effort in the world and you're supposed to know that exactly that which hasem determined is what's going to be if my nature is to be a salesman that's my nature I have to go out there and ask myself how could I use my skills how could I use my strengths it's obvious that this is how hasem wants me to earn my living how could I use it in the wisest way and then I go out there and earn my living thereby and if I decide that I want to make more money or I don't like that type of way of earning a living I won't make a penny more or a penny less I remember I was a high school rby for many years and there was a fellow who was super into cars he used to always be fixing his car other guy's car he was always working on cars this is a kid who slept with a Chilton book you guys know the part big thick green part but heed to sleep put under his pillow I me this guy was super into cars okay so after um he left Yeshiva and he went to work I didn't see him for a good while I met him a number of years after and I said hi how you doing and uh at some point I said what do you do now and he told me he works in an office said you working office for sure you'd be owning a body repair shop a car something a cars I don't get it he said well I'll tell you the truth I would love to do that but you know I didn't want to show up the Sho on shabas with grease under my fingernails wasn't covered it CU I decided I'm not going to do it and I sat this young man down I said to him fellow I got a question for you you have an inclination you have a talent this is what you enjoy what do you think you're going to do better at what do you think you're going to be more satisfied at and if you use the inclination and you use the nature that hasem gave you and use it wisely you have every right to say Hashem I've done my part now it's up to you but if you decide I want to make more money or I want more honor or whatever and you use different venues to earn your living all bets are off because you've taken control you're not using a Shem system you're using your own and I've seen interestingly sometimes you know there was a fellow who was a he just loved working with food he was that was really what he was just natural at but he decided he wanted to make more money so he became a dentist interestingly enough as a dentist he barely e had a living had a terrible practice but on the side he began these PES programs and he made a Fortune of money and what you begin studying and You Begin understanding when you study the human and conditions and understand that there is a Creator to the heavens and the Earth who runs the world who expects certain things from me I'm supposed to act in a given way and Hashem determines what the results will be my job is to use the world world and the ways of the world hasem determines the outcome but again my job is to go in a knowing for well that exactly that which Hashem want will be and this concept is something that challenges Us in every area of Life certainly in terms of earning a living certainly in terms of health well-being and interestingly enough it also affects how we go out when it's time for a person to settle down and find their Basher their soulmate there there is a specific way that the Torah expects us to do that and I'd like to define a few very simply if you'd like to know the right isas what is the right way that a Jew should go out there are two things you have to do there's the paper test and then there's the Basher test okay the paper test is before either party meets before there's any involvement whatsoever you look on paper do the two line up are they looking for the same things in life are they looking to raise the same kind of family have the same kind of home if he wants to learn for the next 10 years and she only shops in sax fth Avenue we got a problem the paper test is very simple on paper do they sort of match up are they looking for the same sort of things are they looking to bring the same family into the Jewish Nation that's the paper test and that's pretty simple and then comes the Basher test Basher test is you go out with this person and you see one thing does it just sort of work is it just sort of natural is there a sort of commonality a sort of comfort level it's not rockets on the fourth of July it's not like woo wild passionate love who it's a very simple sort of it feels right it just feels the conversation flow I look forward to the dates it's just enjoyable it just feels right and whenever I say this everyone shakes their hand and goes right that's exactly what I do everyone goes out that way right wrong nobody nobody does that would you like to know what everybody you included do it's very simple before they go out they make a laundry list this is what I need I need someone tall and fat short and skinny introverted extrovert well since I have this kind of s I need they make a long list and then they go on to the marketplace to find the one who comes closest it's what I call the Mr Potato Head you know the little game you know you get to choose the the feet the lips the you know you get to make your Mr Potato Head everybody makes their Mr Potato Head and they go in the marketplace are you no no no no not you no oh you no no no no I can't find my Basher I don't know why I've be going out and I can't find them I looked here I looked there I just can't find them you know why you can't find them cuz you're not looking for the predestined one for you you're looking for your Mr Potato Head the one you formed in your private laboratory that you made you're trying to find out there what you made up here and guess what you're not doing it right you see when you're going out you're looking for the one that Hashem predetermined for you the one that Hashem predestined for you the one that matches the one that fits and guess what you don't know if she's tall or short brilliant or dumb you don't know anything and the only way you can know is you go out and you feel sort of sense of it feels right it just feels comfortable and again it's not wow it's just it feels right and many people decide that they're going to play the game their own way and I'd like to ask you a question what if you decide I'm not using AEM system I'm in charge here and I'll do things my own way what happens you like to know what happens watch the follow imagine R and imagine I'm standing in sh my towel is over my head and I'm ding beautiful kavana and all of a sudden I hear a Heavenly voice sh I've been sent from W I've been sent to tell you this year you'll make a million dollars whoa a million bucks this is great told me I'm going to make a million dollars this year I leave sh happy as a lar I quit my day job I don't even open the papers I know what's going to happen I make a million bucks it's going to be great what do you think's going to happen happened that year I'd like to share with you if I quit my day job and don't work and don't do anything I'm going to go hungry that year because you see when Hashem decrees that I will make a million dollars this year there's a Proviso provided I do my part my part is to go out there and earn a living to get a job or invest or whatever I'm supposed to do but you see when Hashem decrees you will make this much money Hashem does not hand shackle has doesn't handcuff a person to a particular result there something called free will the Basher the decree is this is accessible this is available and If a fellow wakes up one morning says you know this whole going now thing forget it it's just so much of a pain I am sick and tired and I'm not going out with another girl ever again in my life would you like to know what's going to happen most likely he's going to be single until he's left this world because Hashem doesn't force you to any result when it's decreed it's accessible it's available but you got to go out there and do your part to ear a living you get a job when you're sick you go to the doctor and when you're looking for your soulmate you go out there and look for your soulmate the one that Hashem determined Hashem predestined not your version of what you'd like not your version of what you want not your Mr Potato Head but aem's version and folks FKS I got to tell you I see this on such a regular basis that no one does this and they always come back after 6 months after a year after 5 years ago I just can't find her a fellow once approached the styleon maybe 30 years ago Styler going was one of the only and this young fellow he was in 25 Saida when's it when am I going to find them when am I going to find my bash the stle was known as a persones he looked up at this fell said when are you going to find her you passed her up when you were looking for the best girl in Brooklyn Hashem doesn't force you to marry your Basher hasem doesn't force you to do anything it's decreed that this is the right one for you but you got to take her you got to go out there you have to be willing and open to do what you're supposed to do and if not I don't know all bets are off and if you find people and I've done this by the way and this is not a criticism of older singles but I've done it time after time when older singles will come to me and I hear the Saga and this tail and I feel badly and invariably I'll trace it back and find aha that's when you passed him by that was the woman you should have met get it you I tried to be gentle and I don't be too strong about it and sometimes I keep my mouth quiet but it's pretty obvious and pretty clear and folks this is a very big deal because if you decide you're not working for a living you're going to go hungry if you decide that I need this is what I know what I need I know exactly what I need and I'm not settling you might very well find that you don't know exactly what I need by the way how many single people have been married 20 years or more how many how many let's say 22 year olds have been married uh more than 20 years anyone uh no not too many right because if you're 22 years old it's very unlikely he you were never married before something have 20 years what am I saying to you after you married 20 years you have a shot at maybe knowing well the person you're married to but I'd like to share with you a much more obvious Point Let's imagine today you're 25 years of age meet a shm you're going to married to the right person and you're going to stay married for 20 years 30 years 40 years maybe 50 years do you know what you're going to be like 20 years from now do you know what life circumstances are going to bring you to do you know what your personality is going to be like in 20 years not many of us do so how in the world do you think that you know well enough to choose what I need 20 years from now I know exactly what I need I need a woman who's extroverted I need a woman with a sense of humor I need a woman who has a very good eye for things I know what I need and I'm not going to settle that's very impressive if you had the wisdom of schom maybe we could argue whether you're doing something intelligent or not but if you've never been married before and you don't understand the institution of marriage you don't know what you're going to look like 20 years from now you certainly don't know what your wife is going to look like you don't know what life is going to bring you how in the world do you think that you know what you need and guess what you don't and I've been there countless number of times it's guys it's girls they say I'm just not willing to settle I know what I need and I'm not willing to settle the worst case I had a guy once this is great second round he had gone out with this young woman the first time and they went out I don't know how many dates and it was almost almost dropped her this is second round and they going and they going and going and he's stuck and he says Reby I got to talk I said fine let's go I got to go somewhere you'll take a ride with me and we're in the car and I'm asking him again and again tell me what do you feel do you enjoy a company look forward to the day to so what's holding you back I don't know it's just there's something stopping me do you enjoy a company do you do you look forward to yeah so what's what's the problem and I said to this young man you know the problem that we have is the problem we have is that I can't tell you what's stopping you it could be the reason why you can't move forward is because she's not the right one for you but it could also be the reason why you're not moving forward because you want the trophy wife or you want the whatever your version of what you're supposed to have is and that's blocking you I said what we need is we need Eli we need El love to come here and tell us is this the one that Hashem wants you to marry or not at which point he said to me I know she's the one that Hashem wants me to marry and that's what I'm angry about I said what say those words again say those very words he said I know that this is the right one and that's what I'm angry at Hashem for and I said wow that's astonishing those words are huge and folks again I've been there so many times with a young whether it's him whether it's her and when you really get down to it I know what I need this and this is not what I need and I'm not will to settle and if you're if you'd like to be smarter than God you can try but it's um it's a pretty rough game to play and it's rare that you're successful at it and these are the two big problems number one I know what I need and then there's a second problem that stops people from using the Basher test that second problem is that I'm not in love listen I would love to move forward going out she's just what I'm looking for she's at this advantage and this advantage and every it's all perfect but I'm just not in love Rabbi what do I do what would you say well certainly if you grew up in Hollywood as your you're not in love you can't get married right because we we get married because of love and then we get unmarried when we fall out of love right that's how Hollywood does it okay I'd like to share with you what I've said in countless numbers of times the only couples that get me scared are the couples who are like oh he's perfect he's just so perfect you know you get that glassy ey look like you know she's like you know kind of like folks scientific studies show us that a young man or young woman when they're infatuated there are real changes in their brain chemistry the type of changes that happen with cocaine use the same neurotransmitters the same increase in dopamine serotonin the same increases in those neurotransmitters parallel cocaine use because they're high oh she's perfect wow and would you like to know what that means in plain simple language excuse my saying it he's dumb if you think she's perfect Listen by the way my own my own wife said this this is crazy I was were and Kal and I heard her on the phone and she's talking to a friend of hers and she said I I know it can't be and I know no one's perfect but I'm telling you he's perfect and I'm sitting there I'm not the one to tell you this but man you're for rude awakening I mean it's not the way life is but you know why those type of couples get me a little bit nervous because the the intellect is shut off you ever noticed that in the United States of America there's a 50 plus divorce rate 50% of marriages are really up to 60 7% depending on how you measure who does the studies end in divorce yet every one of those couples walk down to the altar till death doth part but they part long before Death Grips either one of them but they were so wildly madly in love they were so wildly madly infatuated infatuation is a strength that Hashem gave a couple to help begin the process but it's not the essence of a marriage the essence of a marriage is a commitment the commitment builds a bond of love and it's love that requires has a tremendous amount of work the infatuation the Puppy Love Stuff is cute some couples have it to a large extent some people have it less some people don't have it at all but it's almost irrelevant it's a Aid it's a sua it begins the process but it's not a criteria for determining if this person is the right one for me there is only one intelligent criteria that we're supposed to use and that is is this the one that Hashem determined for me is this the one that Hashem said is for me and folks this is a major Point everyone asks the question 40 days before a person is born a BOS a Heavenly voice comes out and says beon Lon the daughter of so and so is to so and so so everyone asks a question what good is the BOS when I don't hear it what good is the Heavenly voice when there's no neon sign pointing to this one R quotes that when you're going out and you have that sense that this is the right one not those rockets on the fourth of July not the Mad infatuation it just feels right that is the bosal hasm speaking within you telling you go for it but I can't be certain of course you can't be certain about anything in life if you've done the paper test and then you do the Basher test and it just feels right it just feels seems to work that's the sign you're supposed to move forward and if you think that this conversation is only applicable to people who are going out and not applicable to married folks I'm sorry to share with you this is a big factor in a successful marriage as well I was dealing with a couple and they maybe they were married six months or so and things were heading south really bad there was fighting and it was really ugly this was many years ago there was still alive and I had the opportunity to take this couple to the Riva and Riva sat with them for not long maybe an hour and after that little meeting their marriage changed they now married this is more than 20 years ago successful beautiful marriage and I'd like to share with you what happened in that office brought them both in and he listened a little bit and then he uh he asked the fell to step out talk to the young woman and then he asked the woman to step out and talk to the young man and that one 1 hour conversation changed the marriage radically completely and now they're happily married so you're probably wondering what was the magic was it a keha was it some braa what what what what's the secret would you like to know what the secret was actually very interesting the fellow was AA and the knew this fellow and this fellow was a very successful young man and he held of himself and maybe he held of himself a little bit too much and when they both came into the office what the was listening for was one simple thing the level of respect and he quickly picked up that he did not respect her because he felt that she was not on his level so he talked to him for a while and then he asked the fellow to leave and he spoke to her and he didn't speak to her about much he just asked her some questions what's going on etc etc and then when she he asked the young woman to step out the young man to come back in she Vis said you know she's a very impressive young woman I'm very impressed then he asked the fell some questions and a second time he said you know she's a very impressive young woman I'm very very impressed that's a few more questions few more points and then a third time he said the same words very impressive I'm very impressed with her and that changed the marriage why because to this young man his rebi just gave a stamp of approval to his wife and she went from here to here and all of a sudden he was now able to make peace with the fact that maybe it's his problem and it changed the marriage why do I share that with you when you're married 6 months a year and you get to that moment where most couples get to and they say oh my goodness I made the biggest mistake in my life I married the wrong one and by the way 60% 70% of the couples get that moment sometimes it's him sometimes it's her sometimes both I made the biggest mistake in my life nope you didn't what you've now discovered is that Mar marage is about a beautiful Union Harmony and about a lot of work because each of us human beings have things that we do well and things that we don't do so well and Hashem designs the partnership to be perfect for both to grow but growth is not always so easy and growth is not something that comes so quickly to us I don't like to change I certainly don't like to hear that I do things wrong and I don't like to be on the receiving end of the obvious facts that I mess up on things and when you understand one simple premise that this person was brought to me not by my wisdom not by my understanding but by the creator of the heavens and the Earth this is my predestined my predetermined and Hashem knows better than I what I need then you're able to do the work of marriage whether it means learning to keep your mouth closed whether it means to learn to pick your socks up off the floor whe it means to whatever it is and every single couple has their own Ines and their own little nuances but once you accept fully that this is the one that hasem determined is the one that's best for me not mediocre not kind of settling not like I could have done much better H if only I I should have gone out I should have married that one that one and that one if you accept the fact that Hashem is the one who runs the world and Hashem brought you this person then you're able to do the work and you're able to enjoy a beautiful harmonious marriage I think this kazal is very eye opening for us there seems to be a contradiction I'm supposed to accept the fact that hasem determines how much money I'm to make yet I have to beaz myself I have to work very hard there's no contradiction Hashem runs the world and I have to understand that Hashem is totally involved in the running of my day-to-day life when I walk out of here as I walk down the stairs as I get behind the wheel of my car Hashem is there I don't take revenge against another person because you can't harm me you can't help me you can't harm me you're powerless I walk around with that loose sight bubble Hashem is there prot teting me 24/7 and yet hasem has commanded me in acting in a specific way no to build a t and had to be so long and so wide it's as much as you could do you can't be expected to do more but you have to do as much as you can Yeshua took the armies and said let's go we have to go to battle because that was a and Sh said to I can't go it's dangerous because our job is to go in the ways of the world that's what hasm wants us to do and when I do that I have to know it's complete compl hasem my actions don't make a difference I'm going through the choreograph fight scene it's not my punching it's choreographed exactly the outcome that's supposed to be will be and that's the guiding principle for everything that we do for earning a living for health and certainly for choosing a mate and being happy with that person and I want to close with one last observation I've heard it so many times now that it's excuse my expression coming out of my ear I could have done better listen I'm not unhappy I'm not miserable but listen between you me and lampost I could have done better you know I I I could have there was this one and that one and I look at my friends and they have this and I could have done better all right listen I'll make my piece this is what I get okay would you like my comment on that a very simple commentary here we go ladies you'll appreciate this easily imagine you have a wedding two weeks from now and you find the perfect outfit it's great it's gorgeous it's beautiful you look attractive in it and it's even Snee not too tight and long okay wow what it's amazing only one problem you need shoes to go with it so you start shopping you look for this place this you can't find you need the right paach and you can't find it and you're looking and you're looking after a week you still can't find anything the day before the wedding you're walk into DSW and there they are oh my goodness they're good gorgeous look at it the leather is exquisite the workmanship is good and oh my God it's on sale half price wow only one problem they're two sizes too small but come on I can't give these up come on do anything tomorrow and the price is great and look at this it's so fashionable you buy them you put them on and you wear them for the wedding you dance for 2 hours and you come home that night and what do you discover your feet kill you why cuz the leather can be beautiful the workmanship can be exquisite it can be cheap but if they don't fit they're going to hurt and gentlemen and ladies I'd like to share with you if you're married it likely that you could have done better yeah you could have gotten somebody smarter or richer or better or whatever and guess what it would not have been a fit for you and if you find the best girl in Brooklyn but she doesn't fit you life is going to be Gehan and if you find the best guy oh I could have gotten this guy he's so responsible and so F wow but he's not a fit for you you are destined to be miserable you're not looking for the best person you're not looking for the best you can do you're looking for the right one the one that fits and what do you know about that subject folks not a lot because when you begin hanging around life long enough and you study couples and you study marriages you quickly see that there's a huge amount of wisdom that comes into knowing what I need as a person what will be the right match what will bring out my strength complement my weaknesses that will be with me 5 years now 10 years from now 20 years from now you and I don't have that kind of wisdom our creator does we rely on Hashem we depend on hhm our job is to go out there and do our job which is to find the right person hasem grant us the wisdom and understanding puts into practice before I stop I just want to mention um two things number one again there a number of products for sale not the least which is the marriage seminar I highly recommend this I can tell you and I I spent three months was just dealing with the problems and the issues for years it got to the point where I was getting sick so I I spent 3 months really putting things together and I think it's a pretty comprehensive guide to understanding marriage and and people have told me already it's made a tremendous difference I highly recommend again it's deeply subsidized it's only $35 for the full set we also have a number of books also before I stop this is AO all the Sho are available on the.com they're all free you can download them uh podcast them you can listen online only thing you have to remember is that s funny now if that's too difficult and it's the 21st century so going online is too difficult take out your smartphone and you can go to the shoo app if you go to Google the Google Play Store if you go to the App Store you can download the Shu app it's also free and it's just a click of a button and that way you don't have to actually go online and you know listen and download it's right on your phone so you do it on your smartphone the only thing again you have to remember is that spelled funny it's t h e m u z and um and you can find by the way everything on there the shoes and the marriage seminar Etc so please Avail yourself of it and again there are books and Etc outside thank you [Applause]