Do the Righteous Struggle?

Hello there. I'm Tanya and you're listening to human and holy. Today we're going to be exploring a famous letter from Gitlak Hutner in response to a student who reached out sharing that he was derailed by his own inner struggles and that he felt dejected by his experience [music] of life where his idealism towards his own spiritual service had [music] waned and he was experiencing the ferociousness of his own inner world. the inner conflict and challenges that he was experiencing and he felt dejected and reached [music] out to his RV to his former teacher for guidance. The response [music] sent by this rabbi is one that has since become a famed letter of [music] comfort, guidance, and also a window into the inner world of our leaders. Very often we have paint an incredibly idealized picture [music] of the spiritual leaders and giants that we look to for guidance and vision and for an example of what it looks like [music] to live a spiritual life. But because the inner life of a person is not something that is on full display, we don't know the backstory to people's actions. We don't know the backstory to the way people manage to show up in incredibly righteous and [music] visionary and spiritually aligned ways. and we don't actually experience [music] the inner worlds of our great people. [snorts] This letter is a peak into the inner world of atm teacher and an opportunity to really understand the experience of our struggles in our life. This experience of struggle as the pinnacle of religious and divine service is one that is explored in so many spiritual texts, texts. It's a core theme of the Tanya which is the book of written by the alterba and one that you know I love which really speaks to how the struggle is the experience of the human being. The ups and downs of life, the inner tension that we experience, the falling and getting back up is inherent not only to our humanity but also to the sweetness of our humanity in God's eyes. Let's read this letter together and I'll also share a little bit from biblical images by Rabadinstein where he speaks a little bit to our experience of the characters in Tanakh and how we could benefit from thinking about the inner worlds of these historical characters. Ravitzkner was a Roshiva of Miss Berlin in Brooklyn. He was born in 1904 and passed in 1980. He was beloved, renowned, a huge khakam, guide, leader. And this letter is actually said to be only one of two places where he is said to use an English expression in his writing. When I read this letter from RV Hutner for the first time, what came to mind was this book letters to a young poet by Raina Maria Rielka. A book that I found when I was a young poet. And it's a very tender conversation between a young poet and this accomplished poet. the young poet reaching out to this accomplished, well-known writer, asking for guidance in his work, feeling dejected in his work. And the response from the writer is it's a slim it's a slim book. I recommend it if you are a writer or just interested in in this type of exchange. But it's a really beautiful book just reflecting on life from the inner dimension within a person who achieves success in his field and the tenderness that was brought out in him through this young poet's struggle with his own craft and the encouragement to him to find his own voice to really experience life and to write from that place. And in RV Hutner I saw similar notes obviously laavil it is not at all the same thing from a great um Torah sage and scholar but that compassion and that inner insight into a great person's life that is aroused through the open brokenness of a student and the enormous vulnerability that someone who doesn't see themselves in a highlight in their own divine service may experience around their inner struggles. Futner received a letter from a former student bemoning his spiritual struggles that he was experiencing and he's quoted as saying, "I will never forget the desire that I once had to succeed and to climb from strength to strength, but now my hope is lost." And these are Rev Hutner's words to him. I'm going to read it in full. It's so beautiful. I might pause that moment to share some of my thoughts. Your letter reached my hand and your words touched my heart. Know my friend that your very letter belies the descriptions that it contains. Now let me explain this statement. Okay, I'll pause here for a second. One, this great teacher responding to his student as my friend. Two, your very letter belies the descriptions that it contains. Your very quest for spiritual wholeness, for spiritual striving contradicts the dejection that you experience. Very often when we feel dejected about our own spiritual experience, we are often actually so deeply engaged in that connection with God. And our dejection is out of place because it's the striving itself which is the work. It is the desire to be connected which is in many ways the connection already. Continuing in Riv Hutner's words, "It is a terrible problem that when we discuss the greatness of our God, we actually deal only with the end of their stories. We tell about their perfection, but we emit any mention of the inner battles which raged in their souls. The impression one gets is that they were created with their full stature. For example, everyone is impressed by the purity of the speech. Just to note that the was a great sage and scholar who really led this battle against Lashinhara and is held up as this model of how to use speech as a Jew. However, who knows about all the wars, the battles, the impediments, the downfalls and the retreats that the experienced in his fight with evil inclination. As a result, when a young man who is imbued with the Holy Spirit and with ambition experiences impediments and downfalls, he believes that he is not planted in the house of Hashem. This is because this young man thinks that being planted in Hashem's house means experiencing tranquility of the soul in lush meadows besides tranquil waters. In lush meadows beside tranquil waters is a line from Tahillim. And I want to pause here for a minute to highlight this idea there of Hutner presents to his student who he refers to as his friend in this context. When we experience ambition, spiritual ambition, holy ambition for our own divine service in Judaism and then we don't measure up to those ambitions. We believe that we are not planted in the house of Hashem because we think being planted in the house of Hashem means experiencing absolute tranquility of the soul. There's so much depth to this to these words. Firstly, just the compassion on the insight into the inner experience of anyone who seeks to be closer to the divine and how we often see our struggles as being the core contradictions to our longing and yearning. Perhaps because we look to others and only see them in their full stature. Because we look to our role models and we see the finished product. I was once speaking with a woman who was talking about her own child's spiritual service and journey and the ways that they were differentiating in their religious paths. And she shared how her daughter is so young. And she said, "When I was 18, I was not the woman. I was not the Jew that I am today." And that recognition she shared was something that really helped her understand that there was a process to developing yourself within your Judaism that she could not expect from a 20-year-old woman in the ways that she experienced as a mature full-fledged adult who had experienced a lot within life had developed and cultivated a real relationship with her Judaism. and certain sensitivities that she may experience may be something that she couldn't expect from someone who was beginning and setting out on their own personal journey in their Judaism. We often see people in their full stature. We often see people past the inner wrestling, past the journey, past the challenges, past the struggles. And then when we experience our own inner contradictions, we experience those as being u an impediment to our connection with God as opposed to being the path itself. The measure of our connection to God, our souls, Torah, Judaism is not how still and smooth the path and journey is, but how present we are in whatever the experience is. How much we can maintain our own inner presence in that exchange and back and forth and process that we all experience within our personal struggles of character development, connection to God, belief in Torah, Judaism, relationship with Hashem. All of these things require real presence and real processing and sometimes wrestling with our beliefs and our studies and our personal service and the ways that we practice our Judaism. This is part of the path to connecting to God. It is not a contradiction. Let's continue inside the letter. However, know my friend, again he uses the word friend, that the key for your soul is not the tranquility of the Toto, but the war against the Atarhara. Your letter testifies that you are a faithful warrior in the army of the Toto. There is a saying in English, lose the battle and win the war. You surely have stumbled and will stumble again, and you will be vanquished in many battles. However, I promise you that after you have lost these battles, you will emerge from the war with a victor's wreath on your head. The wisest of all men, King Schlommo said in Mish that Sodic will fall seven times and will rise. That wording of after you have lost the battles, you will emerge with a victor's wreath on your head. And how [snorts] very often if you look at the big picture of your Judaism, if you look at the big picture of your divine service, if you look at the big picture of your own inner struggles, sometimes you have to lose the battle to win the war. Sometimes you will lose certain battles to your struggles. But if you maintain your presence within your Judaism, maintain that desire for connection, do not be dejected by the fall, but use it as a springboard to rise, you will see how those you lost, you you will see how you may have lost certain battles, but you won the war. You are a present, alive, embodied Jew. And this is a concept that I've really experienced in my own life. Certain areas where you kind of have to release in order to win the war. I don't like to think of life as a war. this like back and forth of life and the way that there are times where you kind of have to release yourself times where you have to submit a little bit of defeat because you have the wisdom for the bigger picture in your life. You have the wisdom for the bigger picture of your divine service and sometimes when you are pushing your head against a wall sometimes there's a little bit of a recognition that you have to have that sometimes you have to lose the battle in order to win the war. This is actually something that is explored and maybe we can do a full episode on this in aidic discourse which speaks to how sometimes in life God calls us into deep dark places that will taint us. Calls us to truly wrestle with the darkness in ways that do have an impact on us spiritually in ways that are a fall. But the reason is is because sometimes we are called to lose certain battles to enter into the darkness to interact and engage with the gates or with this like darkness and kipa in the world in order to win the war of our divine service because certain souls are called to interact with darkness in a certain way in order to truly emerge victorious and to bring the light. And if you are in that space within your own Judaism where there are times where you have had to make certain concessions in order to grow at a sustainable pace in order to reclaim your relationship with your Judaism know that there's real misora there's real background for this approach that there are times where you lose the battle but that doesn't mean that you will not win the war that yes in your Judaism you may struggle you may make certain concessions to parts of yourself that are not most aligned most divine but the holistic approach of recognizing that you are in the game that you are present and connected and that these struggles are going to lead you to this bigger picture of connection and that the only reason why we don't value those details of our own wrestling is because in others we just see the finished product and specifically in the giants in the great in the gdole in the Torah scholars and the leaders we only see the finished product and this can sometimes be a disservice to us in having these unreasonable expectations or inappropriate ambitions for what it means to be a committed Jew. Does being a committed Jew mean that we live alongside tranquil waters? Does being a committed Jew mean that we never wrestle with our Judaism? Does being a committed Jew mean that we never struggle? Or does being a committed Jew mean that we are present and we are here for the ride? that we we are awake to all of it, that we are locked in with Hashem, and that we recognize that the fall is not a contradiction to the rising, but that the fall very often is a pathway to the next level of growth in our life. Continuing in the letter, the wisest of all men, King Schlommo said in Mish that sadic will fall seven times and will rise. The unlearned think that this means even though it sadic falls seven times, he will rise. The wise know well that the meaning is because at sadic falls seven times he will rise. On the verse in bacius elohim god saw all that he had made and it was very good. The medish comments good refers to the very good refers to the sarhara. In line with this medit refers to the atara continues, if you had written to me of your mitzvos and good deeds, I would have said that it was a good letter. Now that you tell me of your falls and stumbles, I say that I have received a very good letter. Please don't picture to yourself that a good and histove are one and the same. Rather, imagine the gdole at war with all types of base tendencies. I've seen fit to write these words to you so that you can refer to them from time to time. Regarding specific details, it is preferable to speak face to face. And his signature is gorgeous. Line after line, you are one who is planted in Hashem's house, sharing in your suffering, confident that you will prevail, praying for your success. And then he ends with a postcript. Now you understand the opening sentence. And where over there Medish comments that good refers to the azer to and very good refers to the atahara. We think that the struggle is the contradiction to our alignment with our divine soul. When the struggle is where the rising happens as he said at sadic is not at sadic despite the fact that he fell at sadic is at sadic because he fell. It's the falling that allowed him to rise. And I challenge you to look at every fall in your own life. There's no question to me that every fall in my life, the most dramatic ones and the smallest ones, have been the opportunities for a sense that have been beyond my wildest dreams, unlocking new vistas within my connection to God and Torah and my Judaism in ways that I didn't even have the vision for before I experienced that descent. Our descents in our divine service are gifts. As he said, they are very good. Do not envision the greats that we have, the Torah scholars, the leaders as perfect, as not having a relationship with their Yates, as being ones that are completely aligned with their Yates or to instead envision the inner tension that they experience and through that how they have been able to build a life in connection with their Judaism. And it's so much more inspiring to look at the people that we respect and to recognize the inner work and the discovery and the mistakes and the wins and the miracles and the breakthroughs that allowed them to be the person that they are today because it suddenly makes it possible for us to to achieve our potential within our Judaism. I think many people experience this kernel of potential around their spiritual selves. There's no question that if someone comes from a background where they totally weren't connected to toward Judaism or Jewish practice, very often the birthing point that people describe is this kernel of potential of who they could be and how they could be more deeply connected to their Judaism. And then slowly over the course of years, we begin to build out that kernel of potential into a real life and identity. And now you can see these real shifts in people who come from backgrounds where they weren't engaged with so many Jewish practices and then they choose to build a life which I admire endlessly which is so deeply aligned with Jewish practices. But every one of us regardless of our starting point and where we end up regardless of if of if it's something you can see on the outside or not [sighs] that spiritual potential that we see within ourselves is often the beginning and the birthing of the vision for our future. But for any of us, this kernel of potential that we see within our own selves is something to really nurture and hold and not to downplay how much we could develop ourselves within our relationship with God and our Judaism. Just a micro example of this is something that I really admire in people is this enormous trust in God. This just amuna and just overwhelming and overflowing trust that people visibly have in their life that they live with on a daily basis. And I think in a micro way, whenever we do see things that we admire or respect in other people's Judaism or connection to Torah or connection to mitzvos or connection to God or trust in God, not to write it off as just being about their inherent greatness, which absolutely we can admire others greatness, but also to recognize that there is and probably was and continues to be real work for this person to be in this place that we are admiring. And recognizing that does not diminish their greatness but creates a pathway for us to also hold that potential for ourselves that we too could develop in our Judaism. Our struggles are not a contradiction to the potential that we have for growth. Our struggles are actually an indication that we are on the path of ascent because not at sadic despite the fact that he falls because at sadic is not at sadic despite the fact that she falls. At sadic is at sadic because she falls. The descents are the ascents. In this incredible book, Biblical Images by Rabbi Adenstein Rab which I really recommend it's a fascinating book. Rabbi Steinultz creates these portraits of characters in Tanakh. And in his introduction, he notes something very interesting. He notes how we have a lot of familiarity with these characters in Tanakh, with these characters in the Bible from a perspective of their historical importance. what is recorded is what is necessary for us to have recorded. And he asks about the inner world and the inner experience of these great people that we hold up within Jewish history and that we study and record their actions and and and dive into what their actions mean. And he says, "What did Aram feel when he was going to sacrifice? What did Kava feel when she was in the Garden of Eden? What was the inner world? The inner experience of these great people. And how can we get curious about their motivations? About their inner world, about their inner experience to help us understand how they were who they were, what motivated them, what created the people that they were. And also to allow us to see our own spiritual paths as being equally significant, equally spiritual, equally divine, equally connected. The path to understanding the human struggles of the great people that we admire and look up to does not minimize their holiness. It only widens and expands it. It only allows us to see what the possibility is for divine connection in an actual human being. There's no doubt that there are some that are born as sadikin. There's no doubt that there are some who struggle less. But the majority of the people that we look up to as our role models, leaders, characters, to analyze and discover what it looks like to be a divine person and relationship with God. There was an inner struggle between good and bad. There was a falling and getting back up. There was a nonlinear path to a connection with God. There was a search before the finding. And after the finding, there was often another search. This is the human process of being connected to the divine. You are planted in the house of Hashem. No matter how much you struggle and I want to sign off this episode with his words, for me to you, I am sharing in your suffering. I am confident that you will prevail. And I am praying for your success and for mine. May we all be able to experience the struggles in our Judaism as indications of the enormous asense that we are experiencing with God. Hutner ends off this letter with a postcript saying now you understand the opening sentence. The opening sentence where he says the contents of your letter bely the description that it contains. The fact that you say that you are dejected because of your struggles is a contradiction. You should be encouraged because of your struggles. You should be encouraged because of your path. You should be encouraged because of your nonlinear path. You should be encouraged because of [clears throat] your search. You should be encouraged because of the fact that you are in the game. You should be encouraged because of this path that that you find yourself on. This is not a contradiction to your spiritual holy ambitions and potential. This is the path. This is the way. Thank you. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being a part of this. New episodes of the podcast come out every Sunday and Wednesday [music] morning. You can find us on Spotify, Apple Podcast, YouTube, Google Podcast, wherever you listen. [music] If you enjoy Human and Holy, make sure you hit the subscribe button, leave us a rating or review. And if you want to be a part of our work, visit humanandholy.com/sponsor where you can contribute to the work that we are doing. Email us at infotenholy.com. We love hearing your feedback. [music] You can find us on Instagram at humanand andholy. Thank you so much for being here and wishing you a wonderful day. Bye.