Do You Ever Throw Your Child Out of the House? Rabbi YY Jacobson

the yeshiva.net I saw once there a sh ISM who says a very interesting tah he says that the gar says inin that the parents have to bring him to bezin and endorses death they say he's not listening to us and this and and they they give him lashes and then he gets killed so the gor says that it never happened it's never going to happen you it's never going to happen one of the reasons is because the parents have to agree they also have to have the same voice it's very hard for it to happen it's impossible really but the most important thing is they both have to agree that the son should die even if the father agrees the mother doesn't agree it's not going to happen it says that even the last moment if the father or the mother they forgive him it's over the is over if any one of them forgives him it's done even the last second they say you can't kill him so the shame he doesn't understand why do we punish we punish a not for what he did to his parents what did he do he stole money he ate meat like a glutton he drank wine like a like a glutton and he didn't listen to his father and mother no you don't get killed for that it's not murder you get this Capital punishments the is as we said the way he's going he's is going to become a thief he's going to become a murderer so kill him now TI predicts he's going to be a murderer and he's anyway going to die so kill him before he kills others so you're not killing him for what he did to his parents you're killing him for the fact that hem says that in 20 years or 10 years he's going to be a murderer so how does it help that they're M him if you're killing him because of what he did to his parents so then he could be but since killing him for what he's going to do to a stranger a murderer it's just what he did to his parents is demonstrating the path where he's going now we would not be able to know that path but says I'm telling you this is how it's going it's inevitable I'm not killing an innocent future we're killing a destructive future what does it help that you know what he answers says he says this with the he says as follows all CH in the world comes from the fact that every Jew has in him or her the of and because of that power that soul of andov there's always a capacity for cha in order to be able to have that connection with andov you need to be connected to the chain of generations which begins with your parents he says when parents cut off a child child from their life when they're not it's not just they're not him they deprive him from the ability to be able to go back to his roots because of that he won't do chva if the parents are they keep the child close they embrace the child they allow the but they will make that because of that he will not become the murderer that he's that he's inevitably going to become it's because they're not him so they Det him from the link and because they attach him from the link he's going to become a murderer that's what he says huh yeah was the name wasin he was the son of the aerin who was the son-in-law of the K so he author a sa called that's what he says according to this according to this there's a difference between and and and was says that went to visit there's a whole Med that he went to visit him and he and he wasn't home his wife was home her name was patima patima in in Islam today this patima is a very very important name is married a girl named patima and and she wasn't he wasn't home and but she hosted him and she was very very hospitable them and it made a feel very good he said that I says he sees that his son uh his son retained the traditions of his father and rash says that is did at the end even let before him even though he was older So Not only was was so doesn't apply means they're not they're throwing him away of course he won't do for his benefit it's not like so but here there's a there's a bright future in potential you know whether or not you should or shouldn't not evid the says it never happened it's never going to happen that's really they shouldn't be like this no no nobody says that nobody says that parents shouldn't be that's under this these criteria nobody says that no of course not the says why does the say these if it's pointless if it's not going to happen the answer is learn it to get reward rights give me something else to learn so he says you have to learn this to get so he says a beautiful T when it says means learn this and you will be rewarded with a perspective on education learn this par I don't need you to learn this par to send your kid to be killed I need you to learn this para so you should learn the fundamentals of education for example one of the we spoke about it a few weeks ago so the says that the father and the mother have to have the same voice now where do you have that unless they're twins even Twins and if they're twins you can't marry them a brother and a sister not a brother and sister not allow to marry each other so we you going to have a father and a mother that have the same Co it's impossible so therefore there's no so writes he says this is an example of often you have a marriage where there's two voices in the house not just physical voices moral voices the father says one thing the mother says the opposite sometimes the mother says the opposite because the father said the opposite sometimes the father said because the mother even if not there's just disharmony there's a lot of contention in the house he says then you can't call the child a you can't call him a rebellious child he grew up in a home where there's no Harmony only if their voices are identical in other words it was a holistic home then you could say he's a rebellious child if not don't attribute it to the child so this is one of the examples where you learn the another example is what we just said only gets punished if they don't forgive him because they detach from him this is that's why people sometimes think that sometimes they have children and there's a lot of challenges in the house they throw the child out of the house they say that they roll they can't ruin the rest of the house and and uh they have to show the child uh tough tough love but the truth is that 99% of cases a terrible mistake you have to know how to deal with other children is no question it's a problem but to throw a child out of the house is one of the worst mistakes because what you do is you actually cut them off and you almost guarantee that they won't come back if you continue holding on tight to them then there's a lot a lot of Hope with the right perspective with the right nurture with the right perspective that you will not detach them from who they are that's what teaches already a 100 years ago I think the word because they don't forg him they they don't forgive him so basically the sh of and yov they sever him from the shalas themselves because his connection to andov is through them they say you're not my child you're a stranger connection is still there I mean yes but the emotional connection is God and that's why the word has a why does have a because what gave y the power to refuse was the sense of the sh the Shain that he had to Yakov and back they [Applause] I don't think it's m much the same I mean a Yeshiva has to obviously you know figure out first of all what's best for this child and also how it's going to affect other children they have a responsibility also to other children sometimes houses like that's true sometimes houses are like a Yesa they have too many children but if you brought this child into the world I don't think you're allowed to throw him out of a house the the way is you have to make a meeting with all the other children and you have to put them all you have to not on notice you have to turn them all into for this child you have to empower them that this child let's say child has cancer or a child has another disease or child can't walk or there special children yeah all the children have to suffer they could suffer sometimes and and it's a very challenging it's a challenging situation there's no question but what parents have to do is they have to mobilize all the children to say we're in this together and you who have been blessed you're going to help us we're going to be a team to help this person children are very very smart and children are very very perceptive the problem is we lie we cover up when you when you explain to Children what's going on you have a child who suffered from trauma let's say abuse a lot of these kids suffered abuse or molestation and you have to explain to these children that this kid is going through a very very very hard time and therefore his diet is going to be different yeah the schedule is going to be everything is going to be different about him sadly he's not capable of more he's not capable he's a bedridden patient sometimes it's a physical disease and sometimes it's a emotional disease yeah trauma is very serious so what happens that is you turn all the children into schim into into leaders into leaders they all become leaders and then they're not affected by it or they become actually more powerful a challenge it is but to throw out this child from the house under an ordinary under under even difficult circumstances is usually very counterproductive extremely counterproductive I went to one of AI fish's uh seminars for a Sunday so there was a SAT couple there who live in Williamsburg and their uh their child their child left yish kite but didn't just leave he left with a Vengeance and for many years already okay so his his path as you know some of you probably know is very very extreme in this way he says once children hit a certain point where there's no return you have to to embrace them and do things that you would never do because they are so traumatized they're so sick that to have any expectations of them in terms of shabas yam kasus this behavior in the house he says it's completely unrealistic he says they're too sick unfortunately 98% of them have been molested many of them for years they P sick sadly they are emotionally traumatized and Ill they don't even have a they don't have they're okay and in many situations he's absolutely right maybe in all situations certainly in most situations that I know so he told these parents to uh Williamsburg to buy him an 80 what they to find out what he wants and and to get it for him he wanted an 80 in uh plasma what is it called an 80 in uh screen yeah in Williamsburg the the woman is telling me the the mother mother is telling me the story in and herish and uh she's explaining to me what she did wow that's fascinating so what we did for our child he couldn't believe it he could not believe it he came home one day they wrote a letter apologizing that they never saw his pain they never felt he went through a lot he was really abused this kid and they got him the screen and he was like he was just overwhelmed he was so moved gave his mother a kiss gave his father a kiss haven't given him a kiss in years this happened 6 months before the seminar she says he still goes out a whole night goes to party till 5:00 in the morning and their stomachs turn over but every single night before he leaves 11:00 10:00 she bakes cookies every day she bakes fresh cookies she gives him the cookies in aluminum foil or a plastic bag she says here you'll have some good cookies for you and your friends and her husband goes to the door gives him aug says listen my cell phone is open any point in the night you need something you need a lift for you or your friends you call me she says they have a next door neighbor same thing he also leaves they actually hang out together and he leaves every night and the parents scream they scream at him his father screams at him and hollers at him he say almost every night he turns around he picks up one of his fingers to his father and he uses two words that I shouldn't repeat even not on video certainly on video every night every single night it's like the same thing lifts up his finger says two words to his father his father curses him out mother cries runs to the kitchen huh their neighbor their neighbor and uh so she tells me and she says now it's 6 months later and he now comes to every single chabas meal every single shabas he comes to the meal and he started to keep shs and recently he started to put on so here you have one extreme and you have another extreme that's what the sh says if parents can't forgive a child for all the pain that the child caused them they're ultimately guaranteeing that the pain will continue Forever paradoxically by not letting go of the pain we guarantee its eternity by letting go and forgiving the child and understanding that he also went through some hard times maybe even worse than the parents we let the child actually be reunited with the parents it's a very powerful observation because it's counterintuitive you see what a low life what this kid did he embarrassed the whole he destroyed our reputation he destroyed the of all of his sisters he destroyed what do you mean be how can I be I have 11 kids who are destroyed because of him how can I be for you're being righteous he's he's smokes in front of the what do you mean I be how can I be so we hold on to that of course we always say it's because of God it's not personal okay that's what we all do but what you're doing is actually you're making sure that he'll never do cha he can't because you the emotional pain distances you from him on the other hand if you could be what's what's means that you can accept you can understand that people are on Journeys and sometimes it's difficult it's complicated and what if the kid was molested it's really not his fault molestation plays with the brain it destroys you some of some people sitting in this room know what I'm talking about it destroys the brain forever I don't know forever but for years and decades you have to deal with it so the kids's fault the kids people go to addiction because they have to numb the pain so it it causes pain to parents but I have to be able to appreciate to embrace the bigger picture and then I get rid of the negative energy I let go of this emotional distance that I created between me and my child and paradoxically my child can actually because I tolerate him he can actually change he can actually grow the word the says comes from the word which means a dance a circle by being you bring him back into the mo into the dance of you bring him back into the circle you throw him out there's no he's not part of the M anymore you make sure he stays out of the circle he's not part of the chain there's a that goes from through mhia you take you throw him out of the chain also not only everything put about a soft Landing for this kid instead of getting thrown out into the street he goes into the P the zi and the in the Bubby's house that's good but the main thing is he should not feel that he's being thrown under a bus Z's in Bobby's house may be a wonderful alternative it's quiet if Bubby is nurturing and not obsessive still Yes know that his father and mother loves him yeah and maybe he maybe explained that the reason perhaps it may be all Alternatives should be considered but to lock a door and say you're not coming into my house in most circumstances I'm not saying in all circumstances you know if the kid is uh sometimes you have a child who's uh who physically could be V whatever you know could be physically dangerous I mean there are exceptions we're not talking about that we're talking about he's throwing out of the house because he's not accommodating the the the Traditions or the culture of the house it's certainly difficult it's not uh it's a big Nan it's a big Nan but that's that's aanan means you have to rise to the occasion I can't uh I can't be MAF my child because I'm having a nan there was a suicide recently in yam a kid so AI fish told me there was a little background behind it his brother had a b Mitzvah that night and he came to the B Mitzvah dressed like a cowboy cowboy had torn jeans you know exposed in some areas a new tattoo whatever he had I mean he was dressed for the occasion perfectly it's a real family you know walks into the they look at him his father and his brothers go over to him and say don't embarrass us here you get out you go dressed like a mench and get rid of all your mishan and come back you can come to the he went home and he killed himself they didn't of course mean to do that they just they were horribly embarrassed you know I'm not judging them but he he it was like his he had no place in the world anymore it's very sad huh it's probably not the first time that yeah but the so was like you know the STW culmination it was the culmination it wasn't like that me that had pain there was a lot of he wanted to come to the he wanted to come to he probably loved his brother probably this you know a 13-year-old kid you're not upset at he probably had a special relationship with his brother and this was uh but he had a statement that want to and there was another family another family this was a New York and Flatbush a similar story and uh and told he was at that Mitzvah and he saw this kid com in also dressed completely how nak he came in completely inappropriately and uh his father went over to him and gave him a big hug and said thank you so much for coming to the and he says fish sat down with this boy cuz he knows him and they were smoing for an hour and after an hour the boy looks at fish and says do you think I'm dressed appropriately for this Bitz he says I think so I think so he's like really I don't think so I should go change and he goes and changes and comes back you understand he's talking to him for an hour you think I'm dressed appropriately for this about Mitzvah he's like of course you're perfect you fit perfect he didn't even want to say you're not dressed appropriately and then the kid on his he said what happened did not he they not respond they're responding from cavana a deep cavana here I'm getting dressed he's in his own world he's in his own Zone by having that closeness he actually became a little more healthy he actually looked at himself he looked at him he said you know what maybe I should change oh no kidding and he went he put on a white shirt he put on black pants and he came back I thought that was Mar marvelous two responses which kid is going to come back to you know the answer that's the difference between and the Ben had a good father he had a normal father huh did come back and that's even before was not a Jew that's even is a whole different story this class is brought to you by the yeshiva.net please help us continue the classes make even a small contribution at ww.the usa.net donate