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Donny Frank Shovavim Lecture - Why Shalom Bayis is not that Complicated at Scheiner's Shul
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Video from the recent Monday night Shovavim Lecture at Bais Medrash Ohr Chaim
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Auto-generated transcript. Not time-synced to the video.
good
evening I'm Donnie
Frank and uh marriage and family
therapist and I guess here we are doing
shim where the focuses on different
aspects
of shom
bias so trying to think of a t a title
for today's
talk so the person who had asked me to
speak I said can you give me a list of
the titles that are out there so I can
fit into the
theme so
something like uh one
was
uh
simplified and I figured we should havea
simplified actually one topic was sh
what was simplified I Mak
simplified so that's our title for today
how to
make our way of thinking about shom
bias as simple as possible because in
reality it really is very simple sh B
what it takes to make sh Bas happen it's
very
simple
but
difficult not a sta right simple means I
know I know what has to be done to to
execute sometimes it's not as not as
simple but certainly Thea is pretty
straightforward so what I'd like to do
spend the time that we have
together first identifying what is the
simple idea
behind good strong bias and then talk
about maybe one or two of the challenges
the big challenges that get in the way
of being able to execute that make
sense okay so we have 45 minutes give or
take
um if if you have any questions uh any
push back St open to it uh in the actual
um main presentation we'll keep
to clarifying things if I don't say
things clear enough if you really need
me to to develop an idea better than I
did so feel free but uh the real push
back where you disagree with what I have
to say so we'll say that for the
end okay
ready all right
so let's here SE by
simplified so it starts with
this there's one character traits of all
character traits that is a key to shom
bias but not just the key to shom bias
it's actually a key to life and you'll
find that you know they all they seem to
go together you know the shom bias
marriage and then subsequently parenting
is like the big stage of life but really
it's what plays out there is just
accentuated to what plays out the rest
of our
life so what is the trait that's the
king of character
traits I'm sorry anas right so P that
you
know any any argue any disagreements
about that anas is the king of character
traits just to have to support the
obvious um so tomor which is the safer
of
Midas
um art SC just came out with a artart
with a tomod toor which would obviously
make seem more
popular um seems that most people
learn stay with the first peric and the
theme of Tom
is following his mid so he goes through
his his rendition of the 13 mid which
is I'm
sorry and he goes to each one of them
and breaks that those phrases into those
suum into 13 phrases and each one of
them is a mid that we're supposed to em
with but in the second chap second peric
where it start to really do a deep dive
into cabala so I know very little about
this but I know the way the second peric
starts and I'll read it to you
Isa that he goes through now like I say
deep dive into not cabala
butos where he works off the spus the T
speros but at the top of it all at the
top of all the spherus is ker we
right is the crown he
says the med that covers everything is
mid so in the saer in the authoritative
saer mid it's stated very clearly that
the mid includes everything
is and why because it's
clear and etc etc but there's your
statements you can go ramble through
various Kaz
we just have himself Sedin that if a
person is an is as if he's Mo
theonas we know Mar that says that if
person's hasem can't live in the same
world with him which means that in order
to be able to live with hem we and of
course we know that the one that M the
greatest of all men was described as so
we have it right
straightforward and there are other mid
too but the king of mid the king of
character traits isas it's true about
life true about relationship with Hashem
and it is certainly going to be true
with our marriage as well you want to
say
something right that's right that's
that's also true yeah the same idea okay
we have the theme is is throughout it's
very simple
straightforward now if the uh
sensual um the central trait the central
me is anas
what therefore
is the central Act of a human being
meaning to say what does anus Propel
does power what Behavior does it in
power does it power many huh many
behaviors okay many
behaviors oh it Powers other MOS so I'm
saying the the king of character traits
is anas and the behavior that is most
directly the outcome and almost like
defines our mission in this
world is being a
giver why is that what's the connection
between being an of and being a
giver anybody want to take a shot at it
just to articulate it articulate the
obvious it's not about me it's about the
other person it's not about me life is
not about me it's about how I could be
there for somebody else it's not me it's
not about me I'm in a relationship so
how can I help that person become the
best they can be and that's
giving so anas automatically that
necessitates that's that's a life of
giving the minute I'm a taker I suddenly
show
up now how do we know that I mean it's
logical but what do we see how do we
know that giving is the activity the
central activity Central character tra
and Central activity is giving how do we
know that what's on aord for that
besides it being
logical so I'm going to work off the
same the same Mitzvah because I think
actually if there's a mission
statement that we can say
that you know a in the that represents a
mission statement I would think that has
a has a you know his ranked pretty high
it tells you tells us what our job in
life is it's to emulate AEM so Aida if
ker is is anas and obviously weating by
being
him but what's the behavior the central
behavior that hasem is under is
associated with why did he create the
world he's created the world to be
mative I mean that's that's also basic
Jewish philosophy right nothing nothing
fancy here
hashem's quote unquote the purpose of
creation was to be mative which means if
we emulate hasem with our character
trait of humility the purpose of that
tra of humility is to give is to be mive
just like him all it's all all the
pieces come together nothing fancy
straight forward our job is to
be uh is FOC is to be developed anas so
that we can be the ultimate
givers to be alone
says there's no giving if
you so we need you to give some get
somebody else in your life and that
person in your life is going to be the
one designated for your greatest acts of
giving and that's what marriage is so
the key to success in Char bias is to be
humble and as a result of the humility
is to focus on how we can continue to
give to our
spouses any questions no straightforward
I actually heard once from
uhar anybody he of kar
from Los Angeles if you go to uh he was
in Los Angeles he was left many years
ago at a young age but
massive uh an educator was able to
clarify Concepts and ways that were just
incredible there actually a website I
think it's a c.com and they have
hundreds of shum at least maybe a
thousand shum of his and in one of those
Shum and he did a lot of Cur a lot of
his audiences were were secular
or so in one of his ser
of sh on on dating so he had said he
told them spoke about the Jewish way of
dating and everything else and he he
said that he had a he he suggested that
when people
pray and they pray for
a they shouldn't Focus
their on Hashem
please bring someone into my life that
can that that can that can love me I
need some I need someone to love me
could you please bring someone my life
going to take care of me who's going to
love me you know once he have that kind
of feel
have you know I mean like it's it's
complicated you know because you know
you you're supposed to ask for your
needs but if you ask it that way he
deserve it not deserve it the better is
to
sayem you created me to
give you created an institution called
marriage to become ultimate givers I'm
giving the best I can as a single person
but I need a husband I need a wife to be
able to give at the highest levels
that's what I'm here for so I need
because I have personal needs that's
what I'm that's I'm creative for so he
says that's how you should be doing no
you can't do that way if that's not your
intention if your intention is just to
kind of you know slip in you know put
put an effective feel get a get a spouse
and start waiting for the needs to be
met then you're not so authentic but
that filer really identifies what my
what I intend to do when I get
married yeah we good
simple simplified
but not so
easy not so
easy why isn't it so easy what are the
challenges Bes it's not me though so
hard you know but what what are the
specific
challenges specific to anus and specific
to
giving it's totally against the human
nature to to be givers
okay trying to come okay so the thought
out there is that uh it's not human
nature we're looking at for ourselves
but I want to know understand a little
bit more are there any forces out there
that we can identify that we can realize
what is it that makes us so selfish if
we can understand this we can maybe you
know we can maybe address the problem so
first of
all
um if we just look this is just from a
purely a developmental Journey nothing
dysfunction so much about this a little
bit but not really so dysfunctional but
if you just look at the developmental
Journey when we're born into the
world we're not expected to be
givers an infant isn't expected to be a
giver that an infant comes into the
world and they are 100% pure
takers I could call them receivers I
mean a baby cries every time he needs
something you know he's hungry he cries
he's tired he cries he wants to get out
of the crib he cries
to the point that when an infant is an
infant there's what we call no ego
boundaries an ego boundary is where you
recognize that you end at a certain
place and the rest of the world picks up
from there but infants have no ego
boundaries there's no life outside of
themselves so that if they need food
they expect you to get them the food
you're the the extension of their arms
you're the extension of their legs they
can't walk you walk for them yeah that's
that's that's a life of no ego
boundaries which is understandable for
an infant no one expects anything more
than that not only that just again
another fancy term about infinite
development they have no object
permanence that
right very infantile what's it what does
object permanence mean it means that if
you put a bottle in front of an infant
he'll he might reach out if he's he's
capable reaching out he'll reach out for
it the minute it's out of his field of
view he won't turn back and find it it's
gone doesn't exist anymore the only
reality is what's in front of his face
if he doesn't see it doesn't exist
that's quite selfish isn't it like if I
see it it exists if I don't see it it
doesn't exist and it they reach a stage
when they have object permanence when
they look for it afterwards oh they they
they took they got to the next step it's
a good
thing so we start off being not maybe
even before in the womb I mean how much
of a taker can you be you're in the womb
and everything is being fed to you but
then you get out you break free you know
as if you're Independence but you're not
Independence you're just as dependent in
the womb you need everything but okay
whatever it is I won't get into all the
details of Developmental Journeys but we
hope that in the same way that an infant
develops a sense of object permanence
they're also going to start to develop
ego boundaries and recognize that you
know what I can't wake up my mother
every five minutes once last time an
infant said you know I just woke at my
mother three times tonight I think I'll
let her sleep I know I'm a little hungry
but I'll wait cuz she's entitled to get
a little sleep at some point hopefully a
person realizes that there that there
are others out there who have needs of
their own and I have to accommodate
that but that's not easy and it's it's a
challenge and ter terrible twos and
whatever else goes on and after that
and and then now I'm this I think is
more of
a a cultural sociological development
that took place over the last I don't
know Century or so that just when things
were looking like they were going in the
right direction you had
infants who had no ego boundaries and no
after permanence and everything's about
them and suddenly they're starting to
realize you know they're not going to
get everything they want they're not
going to get everything they
want all right whatever but then it
looks like it's going the right
direction right eventually we want this
little child to become aware of others
and at some point transform into a giver
you know we start as takers SL receivers
we hope they learn how to say thank you
so that isn't just they're not entitled
to it so by saying thank you they become
not takers but receivers receivers is a
higher level of being oning things and
we hope that slowly they're going to
turn into givers and they'll spend their
adult life being
givers and they'll be in the category
of I'm not into taking things I'm into
giving that's I'm an adult
now but something
happened when something happened where
suddenly teenagers reverted
back regressed all the way back to the
infant
stage now maybe you don't remember this
remember this about yourself but there
have been conversations that took place
in people's houses Across America where
a teenager might say to the parents you
know Mom Dad I need the car and I look I
I'd love to give it to you problem I
have I have an appointment I got to use
it says there is no excuse why I can't
have the car there are no other needs
that exist
when it comes to might eting the car and
the we Tantrums or whatever and it's
like is this like you know whatever
happens to like ego boundaries us used
to be somebody else in your world so
that there's some kind of a regression
to to to the infantile stage and
then okay you might think it's cute or
whatever okay okay got to deal with this
with the stage But the irony of the
whole thing is how soon after that are
they going to
sh that's a radical shift it's one thing
if you sh from being an infant to a
toddler to a to a Preen andow but now
you want to go from being an infant to
to being married and I don't have to go
any further we can share horror stories
but you can only imagine what life looks
like
post when a teenager gets married see
teenager can't get
married not not biological
teenagers developmental teenagers can't
get married imagine getting married to
an
infants no ego boundaries you imagine
that how hard that would
be so yeah you could be 19 years old be
very mature you might have emerged as an
adult at 19 but if you're 50 years old
and you're still a developmental
teenager you are a risk factor for a
marriage if you're still focused on you
big risk factor that doesn't that's not
consistent with
marriage so first off is the whole
developmental Journey the way it's now
been reconstructed in a certain way it's
it becomes problematic to walk into
marriage and be
humble and a humble
Giver that's level one make sense
anybody uh all right hang on hold on to
your uh the
challenges but it's it's gotten more
complicated maybe it's tied to it but I
don't think it's directly tied to it but
it's gotten much more
complicated I don't want to join the
bandwagon although I will a little bit
but I want to give very specific
applications we all know about the me
generation we know about the
Liberation that started in the
60s where the the me
emerged and
the throwing off of
authority I emerged capital I emerged
and uh you know we saw it we saw how you
know uh over the last few decades you
know where people got you know quite
focused on themselves but it it it gets
worse and worse it gets much much more
intense as as as time moves on into
where we are
today it's not cute anymore now it's
actually pretty serious
[Music]
get some examples not not heavy examples
but some examples of where the capital I
has influenced uh and actually is
hijacked
otherwise functional uh Concepts but I'm
going to say now it's not a black and
white you know I don't want to undo a
concept but when but there's been a
distortion of used to be functional
Concepts first of all I just have here
no particular order but um the eye the
eyes search for
attention social
media um the the the no longer the age
of Diaries locked Diaries things that
are personal and private and intimate
relationships are no longer personal
private
intimate now publicized
everyone there's the tendency
towards
um letting people in on what's going on
with me and our vacations and what goes
on in our
families and
uh why so much attention why do you need
so much attention why does the world
have to know everything goes on that
goes on in your
life how they justify it but it's not
good for family life the jealousy that
happens when one sees what goes on in
the other person's social media as if
you think that what's being shown on
social media is actually reflective of
reality it's almost like a Hollywood
show that people put on sometimes in
social media but the jealousy that it
creates with other families why can't we
do the things that they do why don't we
look as good as they do in their
pictures why you
know somebody went told me he went to
the Grand Canyon have been to the Grand
Canyon after I have I have I have a book
I came out with last
year making of a dynamic duo one of the
chapters is called the Grand Canyon of
me and it's the story the guy told me he
went to the Grand
Canyon and when he got there again
anybody been there shans
yeah so um he said he got there and and
and he and he he not generally a very
emotional guy but
somehow he he he just got really um
overwhelmed by the
magnificence of of the
experience now we happened to be there a
few months ago and was so commercialized
it was hard to connect to what he was
describing but maybe he was there at a
quiet time off
season but he just was Ed by the
magnificence of like seeing the depths
of the canyon and and the heavens above
and essentially he was describing a very
very humbling experience like when you
see yourself in the context of of of of
the universe
how small we are he just felt very very
uh very humbled by it and humbled is
good cuz that's what we're looking to
achieve right and he said he looked he
looked across and was one other guy
there and he noticed that he took out a
selfie
stick and and took a selfie at the Grand
Canyon and his and his his observation
was he says even in a
moment of of of how we are so eclipsed
by the magnificence and the grander of
your Universe
somehow we have this tendency to bring
ourselves back into the focus of life
it's still all about me even in the
Grand Canyon it's me I'm still at the
sent of that
picture all
right that's what it is and we're right
there we're right there in the middle
when is a conversation we make the
conversation about us you know we gone
to all the
attention and you can see how they could
play out you know problematically in a
relationship it's all about me it's what
I want my it's my needs it's my interest
it's how
I the focus on IE has generated an
Indulgence I mean this I don't know uh
at different stages of life and I know
that I've been meeting lately a lot of
people who are kind of like midlife
whatever that age happens to be there's
no real exact age for anymore depends on
where you're making a transition that's
getting it to start having some
existential struggles you know so all of
a sudden that's when you say I need to
live my life I need to be able to you
know and the bucket list gets full with
all kinds of extravagant things what's
going on here until now you were living
like a very value centered life you
working with family you're dealing with
and suddenly now it's about me and and
and it happens it's just an emergence of
of where like there's there's a the the
eye just gets out of control and it can
creates your own bi issues
[Music]
how about the importance of self
everything is self
self-esteem is that a good thing or a
bad
thing would we say the pursuit of
self-esteem is a modern dysfunction or
is that is that is it important very
important very important I know I know
so how do you develop self-esteem so I
once heard from rash Jakob
weberg kab we having a conversation and
he said um somehow it it kind of
meandered in into the conversation of
self-esteem somebody had said somebody
made a comment about about how someone
should be looking to see what makes them
different and better that's their
strength their area of strength and
that's he was kind of talking about
that's the way to build self-esteem and
he just
said he said that's the pursuit of
self-esteem and he said said he said you
know imagine Yesa hea guys the you
Yesa and
uh he say this guy's no self-esteem it's
very low got to build it up he says what
could you be the best at in Yesa here so
I I guess I could try to be the you
could try to be the biggest mosid you're
the biggest mosid you know those guys
over there I can never compete with them
say you're right you can't do that uh
how about being the biggest
B said this guy over there he there's no
way to come near him say right how about
being the biggest
you know whatever every biggest thing he
can't do
it he talk this guy's this guy's doomed
he cannot find what makes him
special and if AR felt that was that
Pursuit that pursuit of self-esteem
where am I going to
shine you said that's
that's you know it it uh it's a recipe
for depression you know and and uh
competition which is all the wrong
direction so what is
self-esteem so self-esteem is making
good
choices a person feels good about
themselves they make good
choices that's how you build self-esteem
not the best at anything I'm not looking
to be the best at something I live my
life feeling good about the choices that
I make from dayto day okay sometimes I
make a bad choice but not because I
didn't try to make a good choice and I
recover and
IAP and say the same thing
who's
the it's all choices all turns into back
to we started with giving from a giver
if I look to see how make others better
that builds my
self-esteem it's a whole different
orientation people focus on self self-
protection you know boundaries and
relationships are very important right
we musking boundaries can't be loose and
then uh you know you got to be be
careful be respectful of each other but
someone who is indulges in self who
focuses self sets very rigid
boundaries anything you do make me
uncomfortable I cut you
out because I need to be protected I
look after
myself I look after um what do they call
that look after number one look after me
first and foremost I make sure that I'm
safe I'm
protected a lot of a lot of focus on
self and it justs very very rich of
boundaries which blocks
connection and now the this is the king
of its for
relationships in the in the
world and the in the in the the
literature that's out there in terms of
marriage there's a big
emphasis on getting your needs
met getting your needs met
right you've heard the expression
there's a book out there getting your
knees
met getting your knees met yeah getting
the love you
want do is that is that are those the
books we're supposed to be
reading or are the books we supposed to
be reading books that say how do I meet
the needs of the
other that's the shift that this whole
conversation is
about you know self another self that's
very that's become very pronounced
because in the world of self and and and
the the the the the the focus on on I is
self-care again all important
Concepts what does self-care
mean self-care means in my books that my
job is to give but you know I have to
sometimes fuel up so you know when I'm
in n500 and I'm riding and I got to take
a pit
stop the pit stop isn't an end unto
itself you don't say the pit stop and
have a barbecue and relax you know you
you see those guys acting you know
they're getting back they got to get
back on the road whatever it takes to
get back in the road I'm back on the
road I'm not living in the pit
stop so but we live in the pit stop the
whole industry on self-care so much so
much self-indulgence again self-care is
important but it's in service it's a
means to get back onto the road and go
back to giving so that's where our needs
come in also the needs that I need to be
my personal needs I need to be I need to
be cognizant of are the needs that I
have to make sure that I can say a
giver that's the role that needs play
personal needs play but the focus that
that's how I get married to get my needs
met is a total flip for what we saw the
fundamentals of marriage are is that
what it
is I I've said this a long time but I
actually came
across gski anybody see a safer on
marriage someone gave me a gift a little
while back and I good stuff in there the
saer called
Amud here has a quotes
say stra straight
[Music]
out who I think you said it earlier
right it's oh no you said it the
tendency of people is to is be takers
right he says the simple a guy has
is what do I have to give to somebody
else if you want to a guy down to the
raw un you know unrefined self what I
what I have to take care of him for okay
I can't hurt him whatever you know the
American way can't somebody else but I'm
here to pursue my own
Dream It's not the
truth it's it's a to give that's that's
what we're here for that's
the he has a that he's able to
give not to think about himself this is
radical this is like radical stuff to
give to give don't think of
yourself it's a brand new for this guy
who gets
married it's of giving to the other
quote I put this in bold in my
papers it's not thinking about what you
need what you have to
receive that's the mindset of the humble
Giver is I don't go in here to see how I
get my needs met I go to see is how I
can meet the needs of the other
and he brings a great
muscle from the L of
kasas right when you do haala so what's
the process of
aala you have something which is not
Kosher inside the the walls of the of
the the of the pot you boil it up and
what
happens so the whatever is not Kosher
comes out through the boiling and the
the
physics as described by is that I did
the
mlet how does it how come it doesn't go
back and forth you know you bring it up
you put it back in again how come it's
not how come it's not uh you know it it
it should be a catch 22 it goes out but
it goes back in again the answer is it's
too busy I did the
tolet it's busy spewing out it's not
going to the pot is sending things out
it's not able to receive at the same
time like the old Nextel um walkie
talkies remember those the next you
couldn't talk at the same time if you
send the other one can't send at the
same time one sends one receives that's
it I'm sending I'm not I'm not in a
position to receive I'm too busy giving
so that's what the model of marriage he
says is so he says
the I'm so busy
giving I didn't I forgot the fact that I
needed something to I was too busy
giving that
that's our take
away we had a we had a a guest last
night
very r
k kind of a little bit
related and he was um he was really I
mean a he he grew up in the kesky
building so he remember the stier and he
was by every pretty much every day of
his every day almost of his life Gage
so he was very close to him he was he
was our connection everyone had
connection he was our connection he told
me last night he said when he was he
came to America once to fundraise for
his
Co so asked him if he would take
somebody else with him and help him be
able to fund raise also a very person
and he said uh he said could help him
fundraise so he said yeah I could but
what I what about my col
and uh and he said he quoted he
said you're not going to
lose if you help him collect on your
trip help him become a collector for his
you're not going to lose
outs and so even though we talk about
this is a one directional relationship
we hear about giving and giving and
giving but in the Noah dynamics of Life
you'll get you'll get you know
you a giver you're a humble Giver you'll
get
back you don't do it on that
condition says about um you're supposed
to serve
hem says you allow to know that you're
going to get PR you know the reality
you're allowed to know it you're just
not supposed to do it with that
intention so in a healthy relationship
with healthy people it'll come back
that's not why you're doing it you're
doing it because you committed to
becoming a giver you stepped on the
biggest stage of life
of giving to combine the king of
character traits which is humility and
translate that into becoming a giver so
I just want to add one more piece to
[Music]
this the Dynamics of
giving so um
so we said before that hasm is mive
right basic Jewish
philosophy how was he mive by creating a
universe how do you create the
universe so again we're entering into
Realms I know nothing about I use one
word the one word that I've heard used
by my cabalistic friends is
Simpson
yeah what does it mean translate
Contracting Contra contraction who
contracted
contracted and in Contracting made room
for
creation what I can say about
that but about relationships I could say
a little bit more if hashem's way of
giving if the Dynamics of giving were
predicated on
simpsom because without there being
quote unquote room for us there's NOA
there's NOA if there isn't a space for
the other so so therefore there is no
and there is no giving unless we can be
M for other
people we have to do this the same
Dynamics apply to Human
Relationships so going back to our
original discussion about developmental
childhood and the the child who works in
and if you drew a
circle right and you put that the circle
is the universe and that child is first
born the only thing exists in that
circle is me there's a big me in the
circle nothing else exists cuz if you go
into my world my my my my view like you
know you're now you're now I see you you
absorbing to me you're my arm you're not
you have no identity separate from me
you're an extension to me so in that
earlier stage of life that circle is all
me and whoever comes in there is still
is me I I I suck you into my reality
that's it simum is the beginning of
pulling back and allowing that Circle to
include other people I let other show up
like a moon like the present of a moon
start show up a little bit you know how
much can you expect a little an infant
Tod a toddler to be able to make you
know to say to give a scoop of ice cream
to a sister I mean how many times you
expect that you know but a little bit
you know just get the beginnings of he's
sharing his ice cream with his sister
but as again as goes on we want that we
want the other to have more and more
space in his life to the point that he
can get married and realize that when he
marries other she has space in his life
that now he has to relate to when he
creates space he has now someone in his
life who may think differently than him
and feel differently than him and do
things differently than he does and
that's okay because I don't expect you
to be me because I'm not an infant
anymore I have to deal with the tension
of otherness because without that
there's no giving the Dynamics of giving
have to
happen when there's a presence of the
more I'm the more I let a person be in
my world the bigger give can be and I
challenge couples I challenge people
sometimes people have a hard time
accepting the differences and
limitations of their spouse I say listen
the degree to which you can accept
differences and the degree to which you
can be
M if you I only allow my spouse to be
different in the flavor of ice cream
everything else we have to agree
on your gift is going to be you're going
to buy chocolate instead of vanilla okay
I hear it nice but it's very infantile
very tell you're very close to the one
twoyear olds but how much more can I
make how much more space can I make for
differences and limitations also my
wife's not a great communicator but
that's terrible I know but she's human
so she's not okay so now
what whatever I'll make it work I'll
figure it
out I accept differences and accept
limitations and I work with
it the more I work with that that's
where my love shows up that's where my T
shows up and you could only be
mat if we've got the quality of anas
otherwise if I'm the Bala and the world
is all me Hashem says I'm not part of
this there's no room for me let alone
people no one has room in your world you
got you close it off anybody else so I
can't show up there but the more humble
we are the more room we make for people
and when I say people it means for
differences for other opinions she says
something you don't agree with and what
do you do with that do you know how to
be mative do you know how to deal with
the sting opinion you know how to uh
address it and and to work with it
that's that's where that's where giving
happens in the confli of
ton all right so that's uh uh that's my
I want to share with you something I
came
across Jonathan sax sh the chief Rabbi
of England came across a quote of his he
was brilliant and uh and besides with
conest but with words so here's how he
says it much better than I could have
said it he says
humility is more than just a
virtue it's a form of perception a
language in which the ey is silent so
that I can hear the
thow that's a nice way to say it right
the eye is silent so I can hear the V
the unspoken C benath human speech the
Divine whisper within all that moves the
voice of otherness that calls me to
redeem loneliness With A Touch of Love
humility opens us to the
world when I'm at saying I have access
to the whole world I'm an asset to the
whole world I can make to quote the
cliche I can make the world a better
place because I'm in service of the
world every everyone that comes into my
presence I make room for them and I can
service them and I can show love to
them when I get Inner focused and I take
care of myself and it's all about me
it's my boundaries and if you make me
uncomfortable you're
out you don't make the world a better
place it's funny because he says that it
reminded me he says the B it's what
opens us up to the world so I remember a
year he I saw once Le aoka has an
autobiography anyway and kind of crass
and you know kind of rough personality
but he was talking about um all the
problems in America and he he was an old
man already and he's just complaining
his friends said to him said said Lee
you're an old man already just you know
leave the problems to the Next
Generation and he said he said I would
if they would if they just would get
their faces out of the gadgets to see
what's going on around them I leave it
to them but I'm going to leave it to
them they're they're close to the world
they're so self-absorbed they don't even
know what's going on in the world I
can't leave it to them Sox talks about
you'll be open to the world but when
we're all self-absorbed there is no
world around us so you have to
appreciate the value of being open to
the world it's a whole new it's an old
idea that got lost in this generation we
got to reclaim
it but my last point over here on our
45th
minutes as much as anas is the key the
simple fact of the the character trait
that drives
good marriages and relationships and how
translates to becoming it it is what's
necessary to become the givers and those
that are those that can truly say that
they're living a relationship to be able
to meet the needs of others and not so
much and I did the PO Lala I don't even
know I forgot to ask my needs because I
was too busy focusing on
yours but for
anus is a
problem there's another chapter in my
book and it's about knowing who you are
I was going to tell you the story
there's there's a Jewish version of the
book and then a secularized version of
the book they're very similar but except
for one or two chapters so the one I had
to adjust was the one I'm going to tell
you now but tell you the Jewish
version so
basically happened to me so uh it's a
long story make a long story short when
I was about 20 years old I don't know
how this happened back in the days we
used to go to PES hotels it wasn't so
fashionable homor you know home back to
Brown Stevensville you know n of these
fancy places we have today and the
mother's a dance teacher so she used to
always get a job you know at the hotels
and whatever so so a couple weeks before
PES my
father Shalom he asked me I was learning
in as all the time he said would you
mind giving a sheir to PES I said I
guess so why not you
[Music]
know I forget it's part of the package
you know my mother's going to be dancing
I'll do want to Shum everyone knows
whatever anyway we get to the hotel and
I was a you know somewhat immature
20-year-old as my brothers were too so
we get to the hotel Aran we're horsing
around pillow fight whatever was going
on and then we get a phone call to the
room so
uh uh I answer the
phone that's with Fone I anymore anyway
the guy the guy says hi I'm calling for
Rabbi Frank
so I said um I think you have the wrong
room my my father who's not a rabbi but
I fig maybe be call Rabbi Frank you know
respect said my father's in the Next
Room to says uh Danielle Frank uh yeah
that's me RAB just call Donnie any he
says I is it okay do you have I like you
to come down to the main desk now I okay
went down to the main desk said I I said
to my brothers I guys time out with the
pillow fight I got to go downstairs to
the uh the to the main desk the head of
the hotel is calling me so he get down
to the desk and he says hire by Frank I
said Donnie he says I'd like to show you
the
sh said really wellow this is pretty
good I guess everybody gets a
representative of the family that gets a
tour of the sh just know we're going
fine okay I'll go go to the Sho he says
how's the M said looks good to me he
said he walks me into the shore and he
says uh okay this is what you be this is
where you'll be sitting and it's like
this big seat at the front of the shore
I said uh it's okay I'm okay if I just
sit over here I don't like to sit in the
big chair and he's going no no no you'll
sit over here and then the isar drush
will be given over here and then this
dress be over there what the heck is
going on here so anyway it it started to
seep
in and I went upstairs I said to my
brothers you guys will not believe what
just
happened I am the rabbi of the
hotel I don't know what that one two I
never double check my father whatever
happened over there but I was the rabbi
at the hotel 20-year-old guy from n no
expectation nothing I came with one
safer two for him to prepare and I'm the
rabbi the hotel and I was in a panic
said what am I going to
do so my brother older brother of two by
two two and a half years he said to be
something that has come up multiple
times in various situations in my life I
won't go through what they are right now
um but he G he told me a piece of advice
that as I say it stays with me till
today simple he said listen you're Justa
guy 20-y old guy and your mind if no to
this whole thing but they think you're a
rabbi so you got to Pro you got to be
the rabbi you got to step up and meet
their
needs don't let yourself get in the way
don't get in the
way and that was my avod not to get in
the way and one guy asked me during y if
I want to the RCA like what is the RCA
the TV set I don't know what that is you
know but I guess I know if it sounds
like a good thing I'll be part of
it but but what happens sometimes in our
relationships we get
married and we don't realize what we
mean to our wives we don't realize it
we'll say a comment and be sarcastic and
get all insulted what big deal that's I
to my friends I mean I don't why you
getting so
insulted and we don't
realize what impact will we have on our
spouses on our wives that what we say is
not the same as what the next guy says
whether it's something that we say it's
hurtful or a compliments and they say
you know I need you to tell me I look
pretty I don't want to hear from anybody
else I want to hear from you what big
deal so I'm just another guy other guy
false humility false not false and not
but you got and when it comes to that
relationship we are very very meaningful
and we are very very significant and our
significance makes our giving that much
more powerful and the withholding of it
that much more painful and then it
happens with parenting also where people
sometimes don't realize what we mean to
our kids and we just say things like we
say we say it's our friends it's just
I'm just joking but we don't realize the
power that our words have for better and
for
worse I met a guy once who whatever he
he was behaving in ways that were not so
not so good and he was a father of
several
kids and we just had a conversation and
it was I wasn't
I wasn't looking for my my for the
killas you know I was just just having a
conversation waiting for my moment to
get in there sometimes I sometimes a
conversation happens you never know when
you're saying something that's going to
hit the guy between the eyes without
even without even meaning to do it so in
the course of the conversation I just
made mention the fact you know you you
know I guess you're a father to these
kids and he said like
boing so what I just say no no you said
to me now and I I didn't even I know
that my kids
but I never thought of myself as their
father okay do the math but but somehow
or other like he realized the role he
plays by just that term I'm their
father not that not they're my kids I'm
their father and it and and it just hit
him that he has
an and it was that actually was I didn't
intend that to be the transformative
statement but it ended up being
transformative for him where his
identity suddenly shifted and and it's
not a GAA it means but that's the role
role you play so knowing who we are what
we are in spite of all of the anivas and
the giving well it's for the giving but
in spite all the anas when it comes to
relationship we have to know the
significance that we are to those people
that are closest to
us oh and last I have to say this
warning because I know this is warning
is this when I say that we that our goal
is not to focus on our needs but the
needs of the others
we don't go back home and now tell our
spouses you're so full of needs you're
so selfish that's not how it goes right
isn't that what
said we want to hear their needs because
that's our Target but they want targets
must too we'll figure out what to do for
them but right now we want targets and
our best targets is their needs so we
don't want to shut down their needs we
just want to say I'm too busy with yours
I can't even focus on mine right very
important that's a warning do not go
back and tell them they should not have
needs we want needs because that's those
are our targets so that we can become
the best givers we can be that's it