Family Life And Shmiras Haloshon - Rabbi Yakov Zev Smith

[Music] oh eight five one eight six five one or email ist at yeshiva.com smith this is today's subject um in family life this doesn't need any akdama we see today a magnificent akshardhara people are learning and living the austria shamathi shout that people ask to show the sensitivity the devotion to a tremendous kid you live in a world that character assassination is not only socially accepted it's our constitutional right and you're allowed to say what you want freedom of speech is the hallmark of the american people and you have eden that are living sharing allah tremendous coverage people ask questions i'm going to share with you a few of them today a question where unfortunately it happens that a parent is talking russian horror and the child is sitting there how should he react what should he do or a parent was told something in confidence that the married daughter told the mother a certain secret don't tell the father and the mother feels she's helpless she can't help the child she wants to tell of the husband and a host of other questions as we'll see today regarding habanem regarding bias regarding keeper of and that of course makes this surgery very challenging because we know the unusual importance of smears in the xiaomi calls but then again the importance of shaolin to bring shalom bias bonham is the aside of yiddish so how is the person to juggle these various important factors so i guess the crux of the issue is we know there's a certain hecta of the tree ellis although something is awesome but the tailless there's not only allowed to but it's a mitzvah to save a person from damage the cafe develops that theme lush and harlequilis is not only mitzvah it's part of the obligation of the question is does that apply to every keep it up situation after all i want to do what i'll keep it up does it apply to every child and by situation is there a special hectare regarding these type of relationships in the family whether it's so it seems very clear and actually it is the first of the save after the very frightening agdama the 1711 the fourteen estim the ruran and a little ragdomma but in klaus even in the relationship of a parent which is the most important devotion that a person has to have says the prophet's kind is no hector to talk lashing in this he says it even more clearly even if the parent insists i want you to tell me what happened and in the valves so obviously there doesn't seem to be any special hector regarding close relatives i care to even keep it off that there's a three of keyboard moira listed there's no special and at the embassies the end of dalit says rabbim make this mistake they think there's an obligation and again says it very emphatically there is no such heter applies to all people relatives and non-relatives equally but the truth is there's more at stake regarding keep it off because the pastor can pass a very unusual claw to someone that rashi tai chi's is mesozoia and his parents and it's noteworthy when the man mentioned this he is hashem i don't know if any place else because writes that when he speaks about a a and issa obviously being bizarrely a parent is ashamed so now the question is the parents are either talking lesnar or asking him to say something he can do he can't comply with cheney should he say no they're going to be hurt they're going to be embarrassed so obviously step one is this these type of concerns should never come up you know we talked about a door of akshay zara it's something taka that we could be very proud of but there should be a zero tolerance for parents talking russian horror now school and this is he says the importance of regarding shmir because if parents are living chimela the children will be influenced that's the greatest and he quotes what the alta says that when the father is talking hara and the child is there it's like pouring hot lead down the child's throat i don't want to be so graphic but that's one of the mrs besdon if you know what i'm talking about and the altar says when a parent talks swashing hara in the presence of a child that's what he's doing to the child so such a shyla shouldn't happen it shouldn't be especially in elder it should be a zero tolerance but the butler might say it comes up but what makes it more challenging in the end of perry claus quotes a ton of bellion beginning of paragraph aleph which is elijah navi told rav anand one of the american a child should not listen as his parents or parent talks in horror if he's quiet i'd rather not touch that but not only it's an avila on the parent it's avon the child to allow this to con continue obviously a child has to do something if someone was supposed to be micro when his family is doing something wrong he's blamed for that habla so obviously the son has to do something but the question is what should he do but what makes this much more challenging which really highlights the importance of keeper of the aim the gemara in sanhedrin of paiva says that if the parents did a naval and the higher misses based in so the sun should not be the one to administer mises basin even though it's a mitzvah but find other mitzvahs and why is a passage from an incredible sim and your zion why taka can't the sun do it we know the famous command obama's that if the father tells a child don't return the aveda or be the tamil mason he can't listen ani hashem call him in in other words the question i am overwrite keep it up so fred a very interesting question we see bamaka in mitzvah there's no indian of keeper of so why can't the sun give the father meesa's best and it's a mitzvah and let him overlook khibirov again we should hope he finds better mitsub to do but in theory why can he do it sure says and he says the embassy is punk faker when it comes to keep it off there's no way a person can say no to a parent but the positive says hashem or ish hashem so there's exercise son goes first but without xero sarcastic you have to listen to a parent unconditionally giving me sisbethen isn't included in the auramakla of the email and there's no there's a cost of any hashem so therefore keeper of overrides even ratson hashem you need exercise kill a plane it reminds me what the master understood from the same gemara and yvonne mr davos you know bachmann very quick to quote him i don't listen to my parents tell me a different lesson the father tells his son who's acquiring go into a basic verse or the father's son don't don't return aveda so the average i would say my father is sugar i'm not listening to him you know what the kimura says yahoo yishma you have to listen navas what can we do take their success the starting point is yahoo ishmael now i don't know if he passed him like this rabbit hanan but the muhammad is saying the devil when it comes to our immaculate other emoji a parent is no heck of a mukham it's stephen so what does a child do parents are talking around they're they're impo they're requesting him to say something what should he do so avada the first step like in every time we have a situation like this are you really certain that what your parents want you to do is an issa about allah is categorically awesome but maybe it's trialis maybe there's a potential talent don't forget when it comes to warlock especially not listening to her parents lawyer moritz gossett first you have to determine is there any hector or possible hector if the parents imply that it's telus about you could trust him but we're talking about it's a blatant lush and horror that's really not sanctionable so obviously a child has to use a lot of secret he is being partisan that's exactly where he finds himself so the best approach would be try the same change the subject in a nice way or by shabbos table start to sing as ember along call me kadesh if need be now the truth is that parents will realize where he's coming from but he did it in a dark and we did in a respectful way what he's saying is i would love to go talk to you but i'm not allowed but i have to respect you if something comes across genuinely respectful parents appreciate that even though it's really in a certain a subtle hint remember once i'll never forget this i was heard in hess but someone said a relative said about his relative that his wealth that had passed away that whenever we spoke lash and hara he quickly sang the mirrors even though they were the the perpetrators but they respected it because at the end of the day he did it respectfully he tried to you know reckon with their feelings so a child that finds a way of doing it a nice way or maybe should suddenly the volunteer to go into the kitchen and help clean up something that sends the message in a respectful way that would satisfy the ton of billio and the gemara's request don't just stand by do something if it doesn't work so then we have a gemara in conducion lambert base and again they arrest me like this don't say hey you're doing something wrong but say it around and that way he says isn't there a shiloh about something about doing this so what would this child do he could either could say you know we i just learned this in in our daily limoud that this might be la sinha or you know i was with kabul uh to keep an hour of smear salasha which i'm in right now could i we not talk about this now i i was makable for a foolish lamer for someone again try to use seiko and devotion to parents in finding an aids but what i found to me very surprising and listen careless it sounds like the father is doing something wrong so don't tell him you did it zaktiv listen when is there here to do it carefully when it's a thing of the past they did something wrong now it's a mitzvah has to be done very gently especially with parents but let's say the father is doing an aveda if there's a crime in progress now it's not a question of now it's a question of with africa then even to be is acceptable i looked again that's what he says the diego is interesting because the gemara uses both the shines avatar so he's learning that the ik is a varta a thing of the past so the question is then you're limited to something very gentle but if you can't do it in a gentle way you must stop the ovarian progress i guess that's the based on the famous marine brokers that you test them with base the mockups so according to that if taketh isn't available the sun could use any method even bazillion but i must say it's a big hiddish because kibirov or maklava the emoji is something of extreme importance in a safer major hierarchy buddha's page of gimbal he quotes who was asked this question not didn't mention that listen but if a parent is doing something wrong is there a hat and he said no as long as the parent is still an oyster being the vasa apparent is unthinkable so now what do we do so i survived our question also a parent is saying russian her what should the child do so he says but there are clown there won't be macabre what you say it won't work she just left with causing mambas nephesh and chad someone asked him but it says even if it doesn't help so he says that's if it will leave some type of russian but here you're just causing your parents nephesh just stay out of it no this is what saying in other words it's not that they're minimizing the iss of lush and horror but they're emphasizing what keep it up is all about what it means but it means the concept of so a child a child has somehow daughter has to know you have to go with extreme caution just to ignore it we have a ton of development shabbos you can't ignore it try to use a nice way a roundabout way a respectful way but again if it's not going to help if the parents are so adamant what i want to say then unfortunately there's nothing to do now of course this is painful to even think about a scenario like this why should parents not join the revolution that we see instead of hindering it why are they hindering this this feeling children are taught in yeshiva the important dashboard they come home their parents are talking so that's the ideal that parents should join the revolution this ah but if it comes to it a person has to be very careful with keeper of and of course which means what i wondered about is what i am says which is really part of it is a gemara says if you're sitting with people talking hara you either you should walk away i guess get up in a in a protest and walk away or minimally he says do like tomorrow it says subistafa put your fingers in your ears or your earlobes in your ears if you notice it fits such the gemara because actually you both do when you hear lost in haram or any type of viva asura the more is saying two things either i'm saying two things walk away or close your ears so i once mentioned this in the yeshiva and someone says yeah but you're embarrassing the one that's talking it wasn't about the parents down you know by hustlers and you walk away it's like and he he was referring to the gemara i guess in eric and after zion but he's making a very serious mistake let me explain in eric here a person has to give someone else muslim but don't embarrass him if you embarrass him you're left with the bill that's why you have they are very embarrassing yet so he this shayal understood that if you give samamusa and doesn't hurt him good if you embarrass him it's awesome but that's wrong for two reasons first of all as the place can explain no one enjoys hearing i mean very few people are what the mystery's people feel bad then why is that saying don't be feels better or else the mitster is basically not negay choose the least painful way the rashi says don't do it do it the random says even be a hedonist don't embarrass him if you could do it a nice way so you have to find the most delicate sensitive way of giving to but it's not a criterion if he feels bad you can't do it that's unthinkable so if a person sitting by a crowd talk and he tries to make a a a very subtle reminder they don't listen about he has to walk away but there's another point when there's an avail in progress it's not an issue of that's what free shipment is that governor says found the iranian in simrace of gimbap one of the ballyat blessings he says that's going the gemara's case of doing it gently is going on but la frisco me avera you have to do what you can in anything to stop when a very that's in progress which is very similar to our missions about a past deed or an ongoing availa that we have to stop there so maybe we could apply that with a parent a person could walk away from the table again in a nice way you want to get a safe excuse now to get a safer again if it's if it's done gently it might be perceived as respectful but what to me was interesting should a son taka close his ears said him saying by the shabbos table there are a lot of guests and the father saying what happened in show and the sun starts to close his ears so listen careless himself in his safer this tucker he'll just keep it up i'm a race tonight he says no no closing your ears in the presence of your parents is a bazillion to the parents so i don't know if that's contradicting what he said earlier maybe that's already going after fact but listen say from the end of perigdality he's a little more open than maybe if there's no other answer that would be the answer to close your ears but he says one thing is certain the child has to be very strong not to be macabre not to believe it so i'm not sure exactly how to reconcile what amnesty says the bazoonian is muta but here he says it's awesome but one thing i think is very clear that the child is in a very difficult situation the parent should not subject the child to that situation but one thing is certain not to believe you have to realize that parents are talking out of anger so a person doesn't see the true story but one thing that parents have to hear that by talking lush and hard they're pouring hot lead down that child's throat something that's really unforgivable the child has to go but but the parents have to be above that saying and realize that they have to give a child a positive and not if the parent tells the child gives me tell me what happened i want to hear what happened so that writes twice in in her all of hey and even if the parents insist if she rule he's not allowed to say lush and her now that of course is more because that's he what the parent wants the child to do another imagine the parents open your mouth i want to stuff down some tashas down your throat no child would say okay go ahead what could i do he has to do whatever possible not to be over what did the child do you know what again would sacral i hope the russian gives them the sacrum and once so in the mice [Music] universe doesn't let me hear this you know i told someone once you know if you're in such a situation think what the habit would do if his father wanted to tell him russian her if it was such a matthias but if you go with him but again try to convey the message i would love to tell you lash and horror but i'm not allowed to and you know when i know it that uh aniya but certainly is no hector when the child is being told to say rashin hara to him to do an aware and active is definitely us and i want to make a point i'm listening and that safer says listen to lash now is also an issa it's not just a cheval task it's a mice mia but then he could say i'm not mcabilized there won't be an issue i had recently a painful sheila where a son asked me that the parents he felt were doing something wrong he wanted to talk to his sibling washington about the parents the talents for the parents so that's frightening i mean the russian horror in itself is frightening but this is mamish or makla of the emoji but the embassy's if the sun is a hundred percent certain that it is a talent for the parents the martial it was a parents were having a shaman biases they were divorced whatever it may be but something like that that the son is certain that he's talking to ellis so that bamboos i saw the safe see them when they were showing him a tough self-raised pay zion he says the interesting thing if the if a son sees that someone's giving his parent his parent an invader to hold an item to hold and the parents are not trustworthy he should tell the math kid don't give it to my parents they're not trustworthy that's washing harold tayalas and they say see them seems to justify them he said was masking to this if a daughter works in a nurse where a father is a hospital in the same hospital the father is a doctor and the father obviously has some type of problems and he takes things home from the hospital without asking permission he's stealing so the daughter has an obligation to speak up and inform the authority that her father is taking if she can't tell him straight because he's been gay from geneva that's the form of luscious even on the father i mean we wouldn't call that messiah perhaps but that's true ella's that's the genuine good for the parent he shouldn't be over on geneva so if the son is certain a hundred percent that this is tae ellis there would be a special hectare of la narathialis even regarding parents we have this question often the mother says do something then the father comes home who told you to do this the child says uh mommy told me to do it obviously that's a lack of kiba name and says don't do that because you're causing the father to be angry at the mother that's a violation of keeper of hurt and it's printed in the attorney besides the iss of keep it up it's also an issue in in cloud the end of claudio discusses the same question regarding even not a parent you can't say someone else did it will make it much like the other person and the one that told you to do it that's regress sir said obviously it's too obvious telling the father mommy told me to do it is besides the violation of qibla is also an issue a very very important question to mention it's also comes up in different forms is the questions of ishmael so one thing is right there's no hylic regarding husband and wife and other people la shanhara is oscar and there's no special hat someone asked me yeah but i want to share my life with my wife i said fine share your life don't share your ghana because there's no hatter now he says yeah but ishta kagufa is wonderful that's the way you live your life is goofy means and trita better than yourself but don't be mahabharata with the surum so that's certainly positive of stanford senior days and i saw the actual the whole story was his father amber's father wrote a letter and he says you know this small talk at home we talk about things that everybody knows about it might be lost now but it's before us we do all i call is that and made a point of responding and he has the letter and he said there's no difference even if it's your dua a home should be free of lashinhara even banished the ishta more push it and this is obviously unfortunate this needs to be mentioned there's no hector to talk about a spouse a person has a problem a grievance about his wife so what does he do he talks to his friend that's the worst detriment in keeper inshallah bias he's talking about his wife to a friend and the wife's not presenting her side of the story and the friend will just incite him no your wife's no good i mean is more than talking about a spouse behind their backs and the crime rights of apostate but it's worse people don't realize they know they they want to just vent their frustrations but the other person your friend is not sympathetic to your wife's needs doesn't know the story is just going to make it aggravate the problem so that's a corbin definitely doesn't need much mention what we do have to speak about is sometimes a person comes home after a hot day at work and his wife looks like she's about to explode something happened today in either her day in her workplace and if he's an esco you don't look good madua panekam he's going to get an ear full of grievances about something that happened at work in other words she has to unburden there's many english words for it obviously there's a need for it on burden let off steam or you know basically vent she has a problem and she wants a husband to be sympathetic and empathize with her so obviously if the husband knows he could solve the problem he could somehow give her eight some if there's some foreseeable taeyeollas or even a suffolk taialas so las narutellas i'm talking about a situation that he knows the problem it's an ongoing chronic problem and it's not going to help it's going to be temporary relief she lets it off you know there's a certain type of therapy of listening to someone vent now the point is it's his wife someone told me one says you know what is the definition of a nudnik he says you know what it is when you ask someone how you doing and he tells you how he's doing he starts telling you uh you know what's bothering him that's of course not a yeah there's a definition but with the wife a person has to ask what he's what how are you doing and has to hear the answer but the problem is if it's basically russian horror and there's no foreseeable tls is there any heter because she looks very distraught not regarding your wife per se but in claudius he says maybe efsa if listening to the lashing horror is just let the person let off steam it might be mutter it might be a teles based on the mourinho that talking over a problem is a benefit so that would be considered a benefit regarding smear solution and consideration and yes you'll have to ask loved after wife another person and you'll hear an earful but it's tayalas now the obvious kasha on this raya as you look at the gemara is not talking about roshan horror in fact rashi says doga means he's worried about something a hefsted he's worrying about his business or his health or the stock market and rajit in other words he might be able to help you and the auric says you might dabbing for him but it's absolutely not a raya that you're allowed to talk russian horror it's not even talking about a russian horror situation it's a person has a problem about their about their health and you just they want to talk about it you might be able to help them but he's not the murray's not permitting russian her and i guarantee the noob shot in the gamora i guarantee that's why the khabit khaiyan wrote after he's not saying from the kamar is a riot our case perfect riot he's just illustrating that when a person talks out something there's a temporary relief of his problem and that's why the price can say although wrote f sir his talmud said this he wrote f-strip because it could be abused some people use this heter indiscriminately and it's taken in fact point out something that's very penetrating he says there's no head to venting letting go of steam that's an isa available in he just lets out his frustration and a futile attempt just to burst out of anger that's killer desire so there's no hetero of of venting is talking about someone is upset that there's a rush of a toy vlog and uh he doesn't understand how how it had rushed from lexis but stop venting just like instead of breaking a window you let out lushen her vancouver that's wrong the mice are the poise kim are mako and interestingly enough to say see them in simmons it seems to be makel without this very shyla but what i want to mention why their special severity to hurting a mother very awesome so the general rights ben kovalev is no one to turn to so the not talked about but look at the way the finneh described typical daily living it's natural that a son cries out to a parent a wife isha cavellas labyla that means the chinook recognized that as a normal reaction a wife has a problem she cries out to a husband so he said there's probably more of a hetero and between parent and child a parent has to give that open line of communication to a child and a husband has to have that for the wife also i saw a crime kanyevsky one of his tubers they asked him but how does they have to work of cavalis you're supposed to work on yourself so prime obviously understands the human emotion he says but aina he can't he tried what should he do explode he can't you know if you could you could about we're talking about somebody can't then they asked him is there a he have to listen to your wife or a sheba says response is one word mitzvah so there you have uh torah about if they could if they could control it that's the best course of action but if ana yahoo then it becomes a mitzvah now the husband that's listening should you say hear what she says express that empathy but try to put a taylor spin try to underst explain why you know the other person maybe didn't mean so what they did palm gave me an example of his mother he said his mother was the representative of the city and someone once came in younger man he was very upset about his shirt why because he promised me naden and now we not giving he can't afford it but he promised how can he not keep his words so mother says if he didn't promise you that means eating hold of you then you should be angry but he promised you he held hold of you but now he can't do it you should feel very good and suddenly he started to smile again oh you know that's pretty good we're looking at things so step one is when you listen to the grievances try to work with it and number two like the aura says when you hear a problem davin david the wife should be able to manage very often when when a wife has a grievance just say you know tell me what happened with all the details just leave out the name i don't have to know who it is i'm not very upset at the person i'm going to be tell me what bothers you and leave out the name usually that works just as good as we mentioned the name if it's a chronic problem it would be much better to try to help the wife learn to deal with the problem and the person then every day goes you know there was let's try to work this is not going to change here's a problem with a daughter-in-law or mother-in-law whatever it is it's not going to change let's get used to the person and the problem and then we could live without all these difficulties now of course this hector is not a stereotype of what the profits crime says there's no special hat to husband or wife because there is no special hunter but when a wife is overburdened with an a problem that's the husband's obligation to try to clear the air now someone asked but is the mutter for the husband he's upset to vent to his wife so probably in svara it's mutter but i want to tell you what i'm saying he says sometimes people tell their wives what who insult them who who insult them at work and he quotes none other than the others that have no sin in the end of perixion and he quotes the exact russian i thought maybe he was just embellishing it but the arithmetic says don't tell your wife wife who upset you and who didn't give you respect because then you're convincing her that she married the world's biggest loser and then she thinks you know no ensure that i'm at home i don't see anything about so you're just ruining your own name in her eyes so basically he says it might be mutter but it's not productive it's usually counterproductive so in other words approach with caution with that part of the hectare but certainly with her husband and her wife the husband has to be there to hear his wife's grievances now the same actually the same climber of lash and horror applies to all relatives you know some people think my brothers my my uncle is mutter we know differently we know the two main stories of washington are in the torah is the oyster and the brothers and miriam and like the ram mum says she spoke about her brother hakadosh and she did it the taiwasei and she did it and it was the macbeth and as the s so there's no special hectare in any relationship other than as we said specific cases a very important part of the family life and shamira salasin is in parents with children so one thing is clear and points this out that basically there's no free pairs to talk about children gives an interesting muscle in cloud and the second half a child is emotional he's married living out of town and the father says hey how's my bicycle doing and the person that's telling him that his son's not doing that well so if there's no way this father could do something with that information if there's no foreseeable possible talents that's lush and hard i is my son but there's no special easy past son father it's tayalas okay the truth is today you know we live in a very small world you know there's always ways of helping a child that's struggling but at least in theory we should know that the hecta of talking about children is only literally no different than anybody else from a rabbit that when they have pta and a parent comes to see the rebbe on the rebbe or whatever it may be know something about the child should they tell the parent about the child because really it's a problem in the achievement the school so he said that but there are clown parents have to be on the same page with with with the rebate and they have to know what's going on if you're certain that the parents will not be able to do anything with the problem then you shouldn't say but but they're a cloud there has to be an open line of communication between parents and merchandise basically there's always a chance of at least a potential talent one point i will mention parents discussing married children is not advisable not healthy and not good for the relationship and sometimes there's no tls involved because then when parents get involved with married children's lives they end up having a wife that has to unburden about the daughter-in-law who's this and this and this and that so it's really sort of a vicious cycle it's basically when something could be done it should be done you could do it it's best to basically follow what you know hazal have told us that we have to do what's our business and not mingle in other people's business of course that's really the show a very important question is someone told me he heard that on the cotton and that's not right seems to imply that on the cut maybe his mutter because there's no damage to the cotton but himself says there's no difference speaking about a cotton or a goggle and basically rabbi yashev said it very bluntly when he said of course there's an issue talking about a cotton he's a bizarre he's not a shaytan he's a he's a badass and we know cotton yesterday voices so the implication is that if there's no damage to the cut maybe it's muta but he meant only certainly when it's not a bazillion to the child so there's no special head to talking about a child i once had this one grandparent had a very didn't get along with a certain ankle and they were talking to their spouse the other grandparent about the anal that's only i'm not kin it's only a child first of all that's a diploma you're ruining the relationship between a grandparent and a child if you don't like the child so they'll stay away but more than that it's a lesson horror and what's taken wrong i'd like to mention if you can hear what comes up some people think it's a mitzvah by the chevy brothers of the question to say what he did when he was a child so besides russian horror it's not good for sean baez she doesn't have to know what to who she married and that he's embarrassed and and everybody's laughing of course but that's not what ghazal meant igor the behe lula mealy that's not you know nice chevy taught even about mitzvahs talking about the childhood when he was young the only hectic talking about a child is if the child did something childish that's appropriate for that child's age so that it's not lush and her it's understandable but basically cotton cago there is no special hectare regarding a cut another sticky issue is when a ch when a parent see that the child is associating with a bad influence a friend that's not a good influence sometimes lie delighted it could be a sibling that's a bad influence so this is a real sakura gash me roughney emotionally all of the above and definitely this is a situation of extreme trials and here we see something unprecedented he says that if you see such a relationship forming a child associated with a bad friend not only you have to do something else which is incorrectly tai chi will not even lie and speak bad about the bad person even exaggerate did not sanction lie god does not mean lying or adding any facts that are not true he meant you have to legal means you have to accentuate the problem and illustrate the problem and make it very graphic that it's a real problem but whatever the case the crime is going to an extreme to do something with exaggeration to stop this relationship why why not this is a real right this is a real problem of that of a trials he says but make sure that you first tell your child whether it's child or a talmud that usually this is not that this is terrible russian heart but this is tayalas i am fulfilling the mitsubles now with the oh with a boy that's mature you could give him this muscle marrying an ancient is a terrible issue even after me says but there's the myths of evil my parents says that the burns ratson is a terrible of error but when it is a mitzvah a younger child doesn't understand you have to tackle do it with seiko but again to keep the sensitivity the zero tolerance and this is not a deviation from that sensitivity what's very sensitive is to tell a child stay away from your own sibling so obviously if it ever gets gets back to your other to their other son that my father said that my my brother can hang around with me that's a death sentence to the child's future that's like so then the father has to know how to do it and he has to make sure that it will never get back to the to the child that has a bad influence and if it's not sure that that could happen maybe cheval tassot but certainly a very serious problem is it shouldn't get back to the one you said that about because that could destroy the person instantly a child comes home from yeshiva he's not just talking lashinar he's blasting everybody did this and he's all upset so this is a perfect opportunity and let me explain because the child is talking not an hour home but cheney this could be the hecta of laughing dog sorry but like every every nissanian even a sign is always an opportunity here a parent has to use sacral and say listen that's not the way you talk in this house you don't talk about your regular like that we have to stop and start again the is unacceptable you have a problem i'm there for you i love you i want to help you but you can't talk that way but some things are you don't cross that line calm down i will talk tell me what happened then the parents should listen with sympathy and act accordingly if the child has any truth then don't say the rebbe is wrong of course say you know let me look into it and act appropriately if the child is wrong say listen when you have a problem come to me that's what i'm here for but this time yeah i don't think you're right and try to explain to him a child that can't cry at his heart to a parent he'll find someone else that will aggravate the problem much worse so this is ben cavallo aviv attack nissan and the safe allah gimmel stresses this point you have to play both sides of the fence you can't encourage him to talk in hara but he has to find the sympathetic air and a parent so but again it's a perfect opportunity of no child is born perfect but parents have to make their children perfect and this is a perfect opportunity of that mind kent i carry out this what you have to say but you have to talk differently we have to start again talk respectfully and we could talk then you send the zero tolerance attitude you send the concern that you have but there always has to be an open line of communication many children were lost because their parents didn't show that interest and they found other ears that were much more damaging to them and that's beginning of the end rahman al-islam i once heard a kiddish and i say so with the italians in it that there's a special hectare to talk give washing hara or to talk last night about a relative based on the positive altis now this can be because said the ferris and claudio the end of sea dalit the shaolin kamanashim there's no sachet but i looked into the sugar and there is a little bit truth which is part of our share today in suburbs nun bays and in pavel again two different stories about twitter once about ones where nachman that they advise their relative in a certain situation what to do so they asked him how are you giving advice to a relative are you not supposed to do that because you're you're favoring your relative over the other person it was a question of a sixer so they said right to selling so obviously there's a little truth to that but if you look at the gemara it's possible there's no head to the torque lash and hara either to a relative or about a relative whatever it may be the only hectare on the relate to saline is when you're in a situation of mychosis why is this one better than that one my oh my me high and i'll give you a perfect muscle someone calls you a close relative you need information about your neighbor in other words you know and i trust you're going to tell me everything about the neighborhood i have to know there are some things that in halacha we call that subjective [Applause] you know say everything about your neighbor but the maesta if you're asked you're allowed to say if your relative calls you and says tell me i have to know about you well about your neighbor your friend whatever it is because i want to i'm very involved with this the understanding is i trust you i'm sure i'm relying on you so here you're not saying you're saying the truth and it's the gift of the but in a regular case we say my husi the hymn over him why should i say information this one i'm gonna hurt the other one even though it's true so when it's in my fuzzy situation that i says if it's only a question of then we could say light to saline tills the the balance because now you know why my classes this is the regular person and this is my relative so that's why only in the case of my hoses is there a hetero to give a little more information now i mentioned the case of a neighbor i really should have been more careful because if you look at the um it's the end of summer says all over so the stipela had a minute that when he when he was invited of a neighbor it would literally be my significance to go ah he wasn't going to have the kais but the gemara says she learns light so for a relative that mice and ephesians for a shock and awesome so price can say that is based on the rashi that by a shock there's also a little more obligations so you have to really understand when there's a question of los angeles telling a relative something that's watching her it's only when it's in my causes you ask information from your relative about someone else and they're relying implicitly on your information that is total then there might be a specific header of sharing what's true what's ls even if otherwise you wouldn't have to volunteer it we had this question a true story someone asked a person that asked me about your brother his brother's a caterer they want to know two questions is he reliable and punctual now the relative knew that the brother's a good caterer but he is very unreliable and very unpunctual that's his weak weaknesses and their ass point blank i guess they heard about it so to say to solomon i'm going to say yes he's very punctual and he's very reliable is sheker and the evil there's no hector for that what you could do is you have to realize that if you're going to say the truth it's going to get back to your brother what you said if you give valid information that was mutual but it's going to cause the macholicas it's going to get back to the other person they're going to be upset then you can't give the information so what you could say basically i told this person you listen it's not fair to ask me if i tell you good you're not you don't believe me i'm a curve i won't tell you better than my brother anyhow so you're not getting anywhere so i am not in this equation basically use kraken to drain out of it but there's no head to to say the truth to lie that's for sure to say the truth might be muta but it's getting very very dangerous it's certainly going to get back and it's going to lead to much like this in a family that's very no good my sister true story someone asked me this the married daughter confided in her mother and said don't tell tati about this problem i'm telling you but tonight but my sir the mother wasn't able to deal with the problem and she needed her husband's help but she gave her word so everybody said we know you're described what deal we say what we're revealing confidential information is the question is is there a head of gilly's side then welcome to ellis this is a qualified tae ellis no doubt is there a hector gilles simon beckham so the emma says we learned the original source of gilris i always say if you want to ask your children a riddle what is the most often repeated love in the torah ghillie side marlins and the pasta glamour azat zuzugin that if they don't say lemba you know how to fit over so how many times is a lamer in the tiger so it's the most often repeated lab but there's a second source of gili said that sanhedrin alif that when they animal leaving besden so one day and say you know i i voted in your favor but i was outvoted shannema thomas more so the going on so the grind is saying that the isa of gili side is a subset of form of lash that he says even if there's no actual valve but it's definitely very damaging to to tell secrets now we were talking about this guy who once gave a whole shirt about gilroy but one thing i'm very comfortable saying i sort of listened in his honey in the sahara the end of perike he says that basically there's no hector of gilroy's side even to one's wife his muscle is if you take a job and they tell you certain trade secrets don't tell anybody that includes your wife there's no special hat the ishtaka goofy again means treat her nicely not gilly sweet now i always wondered you know you're told your wife is told by someone someone's gonna engage tonight don't tell anybody does that include your husband so that you have to know what what people have in mind when they say don't tell anybody maybe the husbands are nobody so it's but basically you have to know in what wording it is but one thing is passionate and i saw come on all praise can say this if it's a question of lash and horror of then it can't be that gilly sight is worse than washing her if it's available and just like we said that there's a there's a head of harlot in this case where the mother cannot deal with the problem without the father's help that would be a qualified giveaway started the tialis i saw the calculator as a sim and i intestine a terribly tragic shiloh i don't know how it even happened but a bacha had a terminal illness his days were limited not not years days months were limited but yeah he was unaware of the condition and he got engaged the doctor wanted to tell the other side that this he's not going to have a first anniversary so he said he has to a doctor has a position positions though if he's not supposed to breach confidentiality he doesn't speak about it but in the situation dalit he does speak about it and he said as a different child a girl had an operation as a child she can't have children so the doctor has to go without being asked and tell the other party and he says i the physician's oath but but one thing i will tell you that in a case where there's a real need there's no issue lucy that we see and that's khloe what was very moving is rav zilberstein's language and has a shiloh and it's safe a few places where a when i mentioned earlier a woman was sick she told her husband don't tell my father bishop i don't want to know but the husband feels the father's filler could do wonders 149 he mentions a few sources that we find that afar a parent's pill has more kayak than the average the supporter in brazil i'm at bay's aleph says that love and woke up in the morning and it possibly makes a point of saying that he he benched his children why because a parents feel a parent's broker has more kayak on the average that's why yitzhak gave a bracha to ace before he died and he points to parishes yes says and your parents will give you how could your parents give you because parents dabbing for children is a special schooler for the children so he says in that case the parent that the of other the parent the the husband should tell the father even though he promised his wife not to because wouldn't get back to his wife unless of course the father will take it in a bad way and perhaps just make a point i think is the sikhum of today and that is basically the most important part of this sugiya of shmir salah and family life is that the success of shmir salasin begins in family life the prophet i am in two places mr bureau and shin mem gimbal see if cotton bays and the end of claude tess wonders how come this such a piercer of lash and horror you know i once said this and i wasn't being sarcastic and i mean it from the bottom of my heart if we would treat lush and horror the way we treat the brocs mashiach would be here even those that don't keep the rocks know the severity of it right if we would treat la shanhara like so why don't we treat russian heart like a book does anybody question that it's much much much more hammer and is pained by that question without the muscle of it but he says why don't we see as a heroes imagine a son comes to a shabbos table says i'm 20 years old i've been washing the pillows you're dying for the past 17 years tonight i'm taking vacation no washing and he bites into the bread without an antioxidant which parent would you say oh what else is new no i would just let it go but lush and horror what happens oh a little loud i don't hear you the problem is therefore the solution is starts in the home when a home is a fortress of smear salasha when parents are living shamir salasian when there's zero tolerance for lush and horror then the children grow up that it's at least as bad as gibraltar and ramban says that's the money and the process he said saying that's the key of of thy sumerian we're talking about about miriam why it's to show the severity and give over to the children but if we tell our children that then the children have the best clinic is not do as i say but do as i do i'm listening to else in the safer he says his mother told of a story that happened probably 80 years earlier she was a little child walking in the street and someone said something bad about her father and she ran home as a protective child says you know what someone said about you and the father jumped and says and it went into her bones and she couldn't say los angeles afterwards and i could just say that my shredders zucchini told me heard from his kaplan who was once by the prophet and the story happened my head was over a hundred years but before my swear heard the story i mean as far as when i'm saying over the story at least a hundred years or earlier and he started saying and thought for a second that maybe it was rashan and he jumped back his oi said as if i brought a dead mouse in his presence so if sohaim said it with tremendous emotion and my swear told this to me and i'm telling it to you so over a hundred years earlier a story of a little of an emotion of a passion of a commitment and look how much it does that's the way to change the trend and hopefully we can make a world free of see it be a menu or maintenance next sunday will be the last ship before the summer meets hashem in two weeks of starting this summer sherman all the neighborhoods bring a flatbush monday all the neighbors everybody is joining in the big campaign of shall shelles i'm sure you heard about us in the school of nephesh hundreds of our girls of our neighbors that can't make it in schools and ever drop out we have in our neighborhood someone that has a girl nebucha that we want to have helicopter generations from them their center shall shut us they become the father they become the mother they take care of them and who pays for it rabbi said we have to pay for it we want to have a small this is one of the best mitzvahs and toilet and that you could do for the biggest host for yourself they make a campaign to cover over half a million dollars of harvest of the past year the teachers were not paid the kids can't they can open the school they have to pay them and the sadiq their matching funds we're asking everybody everybody here to give a hundred hundred eighty dollars and if you give a thousand please do that too it's a big big mystery we have rubber cooker at the back of his medicine the big santika arnold who saved thousands of our children's to become back the yiddish guy and he has thousands of stories and success stories marries them walls boys and if you want to have a school for good to kinder this is the best investment please go over give him a thousand dollars foreign