Gaining a Positive Attitude to People - Rabbi Moshe Lazerus

[Music] how do you love somebody the first thing is you have to understand what love is how did we define love what is love anybody gonna help me out you don't get greater than this okay nobody wants to take a chance so I'll tell you love is an emotion big surprise it's not something you do it's something you feel you have to when you love someone you feel something the idea is how do we create a feeling about someone else I believe that I'm wrong but I believe the first stage the first stop in this journey of learning how to do that is to love yourself over the many many years that I have interviewed people in or LaBella one of the questions I usually ask them is tell me five good things about yourself maybe you'll find this hard to believe I would say at least 90% of the people who I've interviewed and there have been more than many hundreds from in the thousands over the years not just another gola but in yeshiva and Derick and other places where I spoken in my own shul most people cannot say five good things about themselves just think now for a second can you think of five words that describe positive words that describe your character if you have a hard time you know you're in very good company okay so we have to learn how to do that first we have to know how to describe ourselves well if you're having a hard time I would say okay I know that is one of them is one of them okay now we just have to find four more four more things okay it's very hard to think of the words I have earned using experience this Rosh Hashanah I gave at Russia and my shul on Russia shot me in the evening the first night of Russia China and I'm living here safer and I'm the brother of the go to heaven minion even though I myself never learned there but my son did so I guess that's why they certainly could do that then every year I give at Russia and this year I will tell you what the dresser was about but I'll say how I ended it I just said we have to make a connection to others Bravo we have to appreciate who we is so for starters the people in the show the Balaban theme of the show are megiddo cheering them it's Israeli they're all Israelis they're mushy Femina Shiva's they're either that or they're at least learning the kollel for 10 or 15 years I said the following I said can you say don't say it out loud don't tell me you know and it said a new buffering the bulk of the bottom initial initial say fine can you say five words that describe your wife's character or your parents character five words describe them just five words and you should be able to do it at the snap of a finger without thinking you think of them you picture them what are the five words that describe them I saw looks on people's faces like what are you talking that you know like what planet you come from sorry nobody understood what I meant so I said you have to be able to say five good things what if I have good things okay good about 40 years ago I made a list of positive things and I make a list of positive things I was 18 I was 1974 I was helping my parents tarnish a tower I was the mascara I interviewed all the people I really really seemed in those days because he was fundraising all the time so I was responsible for having people come in I like people I just you know everybody was great he said 10 or 15 people come for Shabbos and it's a the Shabbos table and my wife would say you know I like that boys you see how he acts with the children and this one and I don't like him you know suitable took the plate of food he took care for the food for the family but his own plate you know it bothered me you know how can you say that about my tongue meeting you know like didn't have a but she was right she a much greater picture of who person was she can understand she I was jealous I don't know what to do I didn't have that naturally so I went to a dictionary and I wrote down they started writing down alphabetically all the positive traits and then they have a also side another side of a different paper that has negative traits and then when I would interview somebody I would take out these two papers and after I had to do them and I go who he's accurate he's affectionate he was tested he was bright he was cheerful huh and I check off this and I check off the negative side you know and I composite myself Cal except Athiya Shiva you know why don't you know well I've been doing this for over 40 years and I this paper is like calibrated in my eyes and I can't help in that when I meet somebody I'm already just the positive side that the negative side yeah I'm already in a five-minute conversation I can usually tell people more good things about themselves and they can and that's why I like them I I really I feel good because when I meet somebody I focus on the good points that well but I like them and and it's easy it works anybody can do it the first you have to do it to yourself so you don't need this list my list you could make your own list you do like I did if you want or in the back of the face measures here there is on the table of some copies of the list if you want to have an idea of the kinds of things that you could say about yourself you know I use this also since I'll meet him in the Sheila and I say how many five good things about yourself okay you will be he's one of them I like to do good things okay that's all so that's good okay you like to do good things just three more oh very hard I said okay let's do an exercise I give you the paper write your name on it okay I know there were people here who I've done this with write your name on it and check off look at this list check off all the things that you think apply to you all of a sudden he realizes there are 30 things here that he has positive things about himself that he just it doesn't popped into his mind it just doesn't have it maybe because of the fact that we think of you know our lacking so much that we don't appreciate it but I take the paper after we write F these signs everything I said I didn't have any put into this this is what you think of yourself and I really I don't tell him that what I tell him is I think that there's somebody in the shaver will really be a good friend for you let me describe him he's optimistic he's he's ambitious he's brave he's bashful he's cheerful he's carrying it's consistent he's compassionate he's modest he's logical is intellectual he's imaginative he has self-control his resources he's polite there's all these things would you like to have a friend like that so the people who are more on the ball realize I'm talking about them I'm just library data bored out of that alphabetical order and they said yes so that's the way people see you why don't you have to why can't you see yourself that way so I'll give you an exercise I want you to take this paper for two weeks once in the morning and once at night instead of doing what I did he is he is he is say I am but nobody's around cuz you don't want the men in the white coats to come take you away and I realize so mm-hmm you go I am altruistic I'm assertive I'm artistic I'm capable I'm cooperative and you you start getting these things it's after two weeks you become familiar with the words and now if somebody says to you who are you you know tell me five things about you then with the snap of a finger you can say these things it gives power to you when you have that feeling you feel good about yourself it's one of the best ways to build self-esteem and you can use it for other people also and use this I have translated this into Hebrew for my children my grandchildren and now my grandchildren are using for their children and it works well I can tell you is it works I once had somebody in Dara oh i did this with and he couldn't think of anything and then he checked off and you know check almost he must have checked 40 or 50 things and then I read it back I said you know there I think there's somebody who you really would have a good relationship with let me describe him they said he is this is this is this is that is that only rule these meto stavos and I said you know I'm talking about and I said God it's a true story but it wasn't no once you could do it with yourself you could do with other people once you've learned how to do this then you start getting this positive feeling about other people and if you can do that then you become successful in your ki roof anyone interested in a list by the way yeah I brought a list in Hebrew with my shul I brought about 25 copies they were all gone the night of Rosh Hashanah people took them I hope that it helped at least in their marriage I was definitely very one person was a mesh gear than you Shiva not a young man came over to me after shul I expect him to say yes Shekhar yup he said I'll tell you five good things about my wife she's Mahabad me she's mohabbat me she's mahabad me she's my comedy she's my godly I said to him oh you're married to a thing she does no personality you know I she's she's a thing we started talking a couple of weeks ago you got you got that got the hint mmm-hmm but we're talking about love loving other people of course one of the ultimate things that we have to do is what we do in Chima every day we say your half-day session mental careful what does that mean you have to love Hashem that means you have to have an emotional feeling of love Hashem the random says it was chuva that the proper form of love is that you have to feel lovesick for Paco - Paco think about him all the time and he has to be part of your life that's the goal that's the ultimate goal at least sometimes at least when we say the words you're half to a session like echo what are we thinking we saved those words we're thinking you'll have talk you want to prep pronounce the word properly is that what we're thinking or are we thinking what the concept is really bad how do you love Hashem who is he that you should love him can't love a thing he's not not a thing in his aspect maybe a vain self we can't even relate to him but as the round call begins the sacred Ark Hashem he speaks about the a severe aspect of Hashem if you cover your code you'd say such a thing in a speculation as the boring our relationship with a Shem is he's the ball a with an if row he's the creator where the created and in that he gave us a Torah and in his Torah he describes a personality he tells us about me knows that he is now there are certain ways to love Hashem one of the ways you could longish him is very simply you love Hashem because of the fact that I am so good to you you appreciate what you have which is a wonderful moderator if so everybody should do that I recommend make a list of 50 things that you have from a Shem you know yell eyesight you have health you have children your family your parents friends clothes though this 50 is it's a joke once you start writing the list you can't stop I don't need to give you a sense that you have a lot and then take one of those things and have a conversation with the Kurdish Broncos this also has to be alone nobody in the room because there really call the men in the white coats if they hear you doing this say a Shem I want to thank you for it's both Fela that's a chef I want to thank you for I want to explain my appreciation try it you start building a relationship when you make it real because that's what it's supposed to be when we see multi Minako Allah for thanking a chef for those things do it for something specific that's one way to love Hashem to develop a love of Shem because what he does for you the Paleo it says very something very interesting he says there are two forms of loving our Shem one is you love Hashem because you love yourself he said that's when you do that when you appreciate what you have you love a sham because you love you but there's a better way a higher way when you realize your Serrano's well you realize how great a sham is and you love him because he's lovable that's already the highest Matranga the round Cal says in casitas in a eithne ha era he yearís oromos that's your that's not yours ahead I'm afraid that shams been do anything to you it's a sense of awe when you realize how great becomes powerful is whatever capacity we have to realize how great years chitara co-author mashallah Odom is parallel or also mitzvah gilaflame alot multi humble walking home is Paulo that when a person is diving for doing a mitzvah he should realize he's standing before the rebounder stolen the Melek Malka I'm walking Marsha here his ear Kitana and this is what the Talib wonders when he said katana spiraled out if they meet at all Miss Powell in other words says the round table initiative or answer she is talk a lot of the exponent hated person let's look at three things and think about them kadesha Agia elzo Sayuri he should get to this level of Euronymous sure who all made mamas mamas you could tell the author felt that this is an emotional term you don't say mommy unless you really mean it sure I'll make mama she was their Boreas próximo for not saving us anymore I don't know anything about Kevon it I don't see people dabbling with tremendous couple others chuckling and waving their hands and going like this I don't know if there were some challenges shown to fight or something but I'm not sure exactly why they going like this mm-hm but if you were standing right before I shed and you understood he's an elephant walking how do you talk I can't tell you about each person is to know if he would speak if he was standing before the revolution Roland says the round foul that's how we are supposed to Davin he's here he's not up there out there somewhere he's right in front of you and you have an opportunity to speak to him and he's listening if we can accomplish that meant all the time it's very very high it's one of those things that cuz I say is impossible to every every day you could do that but when you do that's generally when they use the term that Domini miss Gish mock it really felt good because you felt like you spoke that Finnish Bartho he's there he's listening to you it doesn't mean he does what you want we have to do what he wants that's the goal but he's there he listens to us and he cares about us if we can get that in ourselves that incorporate that in us then we have a chance of giving it over to other people people who are interested in in coming close to college powerful and who shouldn't be he's the most wonderful thing that there is thank you [Music] you