How Can You Get Your Spouse to Change a Destructive Behavior? - Rabbi Akiva Rutenberg

what do you do or say to get your spouse to change a destructive behavior I would say if a person has the destructive behavior or your spouse's a destructive behavior like Roberto said accepting responsibility for this but very often that means getting professional help and I think there's a tendency sometimes to be afraid maybe it's the stigma of getting help but not getting help is much much much much much much much much much I'll keep going more painful for you for your spouse for your children than getting the help it's much better to bite the bullet and go and go to the therapist go to speak to the rabbi whoever it might be that can help you realize that whatever embarrassing thing you're going through the therapist or rabbi if he's any good has heard much more embarrassing things than anything you can come up with and get help but I want to just give a closing remark that I think connects in general to show them by it which is very often I see couples who not consciously but ultimately become a victim of their circumstance and I'll see couples and specifically was a couple that I was talking to recently who were at the brink of divorce after being married for many years and after he listening to both of them I realized that each one of them was that was playing the victim card in the bigger way and each one of them was saying in this and this in this area I'm the bigger victim and the other spouse was saying I'm the big bigger victim and it was like a competition of who's gonna be the bigger victim and each one was saying to me in their own way if he or she will come meet me halfway then of course I want this marriage to work but how can I do that when he doesn't appreciate me she did this to me she was into all these different situations and I think is a very powerful message that you see in the parsha my gosh with Joseph and his brothers that when he also reveals himself to the brothers he says to them I am your safe who you sold to Egypt but then he says and the words of the posturing next reap sue Kim and says it three different times that I was sent to Egypt and he goes I was sent by Hashem and you all say had a conscious choice that he made to look at himself as I'm here on as a messenger I'm here on a mission and not that I'm a victim of my circumstances and a victim of my situation if you also had chosen to be the victim he never would have gotten out of where he got out of they never would have become what he became and I think it's a very very important message to all of us to in every challenge that were faced with to look at the situation and say I'm not going to be a victim of this situation but I'm gonna look at this as a challenge as an opportunity to become the best person that I can be I literally had a couple ones many years ago a guy said to me rabbi I did not marry my by shirt I didn't marry my match I said how do you know he said because it's so hard for us to understand each other Hashem loves me so much why would he have me marry someone that's hard for me to understand and the reality is is that every situation in life we say marriage is the science laboratory for personal growth for working in ourselves becoming the best person that we can be and dr. Shem as we work on ourselves work together we can bring to Rend the show Mumbai [Applause] [Music] you [Applause]