How Do We Get Our Marriages Back on Track

The Yeshiva.net Thank you, Brooklyn Jewish Experience BJX. I have been watching a lot of the program besides myself. And it's really incredible what you're doing bringing so many people together on this very powerful day. The day that the Rambam promises us at the end of Hilchos Taanis will become the great Yom Tov for the Jewish people. Thank everybody for being here for the Brooklyn Jewish Experience and supporting it both through money and through moral support and those of you who are involved in every possible way financially, emotionally, spiritually, all types of activities. Thank you for everything all of you are doing and what BJX is doing for the for all of the Yiddishe Kinderlach in Brooklyn, our hometown where so many of us grew up and beyond. People wouldn't realize how much don't realize how much work there is in Brooklyn. You don't have to only travel to far places in Brooklyn, New York where you have hundreds and hundreds of thousands of Jews. So many of them need that warm embrace, that empowering hug, that love, the commitment, the wisdom, and the dedication. So thank you, Brooklyn Jewish Experience, and thank you everybody for your incredible generosity on this very special day when Jews throughout the years have always been increasing in more tzedakah, and more chesed, and more ahavas Yisrael, and more achdus Yisrael. So, the theme that was allotted to me this afternoon of Tisha B'Av is marriage. How do we enhance our shalom bayis, get our marriages back on track, increase the harmony in our homes? And I have to say it is very apropos to this day because the Gemara says in Yoma that when the gentiles went into the Heichal, ro'eh keruvim zeh bazeh, they saw the cherubs, the two keruvim intertwined and intermingled with each other. And the Ritzva and other Rishonim ask a gevaldige question, doesn't make sense. The Gemara in Yoma says that when the keruvim were looking at each other, it meant the relationship between Hashem and the Jewish people was perfect. When the keruvim looked away from each other, it's like a husband and a wife, you know, not looking at each other, they're having differences. And yet, in the moment of the Churban, the keruvim not only gazed at each other, but they were actually intermingled and interconnected with each other. And one of the beautiful interpretations that Bnei Yissachar brings it from the Maggid of Mezritch is the Gemara says in Yevamos, chayav adam lifkod es ishto besha'as yotzei laderech, before a man goes on some long business trip, he's obligated to be together with his wife. Says the Heilige Maggid, before as the Churban Beis Hamikdash was happening and the husband was traveling for some form of separation between Hashem and Knesses Yisrael, there was lifkod es ishto, there was that special intimate relationship and connection that was the deepest and the most powerful and the most potent on Tisha B'Av, keruvim zeh bazeh. And indeed, that intimate, infinite connection empowered the Jewish people and it impregnated them with the seed, the seed of Mashiach Tzidkeinu, of Geulah. Yerushalmi says in Berachos that Mashiach is born on Tisha B'Av. Nacham, menachem hu yenachamenu, that's one of the reasons the Arizal says we say Nacham, we don't say Tachanun on Tisha B'Av. So it's a moment when the harmony, the deepest love came out to plant the seeds of the Geulah, which emerge throughout galus until the Geulah Sheleimah when we'll see it with our eyes. So it's very apropos. Every single Jewish marriage is really a mirror of the marriage between Hakadosh Baruch Hu and Knesses Yisrael. The marriage between heaven and earth, the marriage between Ani Ledodi Vedodi Li, which the whole Shir Hashirim is based on as the Rambam says in Hilchos Teshuvah, it's a metaphor for the ahavah and the love and the marriage, Yom Chassunoso, zeh Matan Torah, as the Mishnah says at the end of Maseches Taanis. And indeed, therefore, Tisha B'Av is also a time to go back and reflect on our own marriages. The Maharal says a fascinating comment. The Maharal of Prague teaches us. He says, why is it that Hashem made that marriage should not be within a family? Kayin married a sister, Hevel married a sister. Chesed, but that was unique. Generally, to marry in a family is incest, it's giluy arayos. Logically, he says, we know the genetically the problem, but that itself is a cause, there's an effect of the way Hashem made it. Logically, you know, your sister, your brother, you know them best, you grew up in the same house, the same meshugas, same idiosyncrasies. You're going to therapy with the same issues. The Maharal says that marriage is actually the first step in uniting all of civilization, uniting the whole world. Because really, we all come from one. But then we become fragmented. I am me, you are you, everyone has their own life, their own body, but really all of humanity is one. Mifikach nivra Marriage is really the allowing the gene pool to become much more expansive. It's living, it's learning how to live with somebody who's not from your family, may not be from your block or your neighborhood or your community, or even your lifestyle. And yet, we learn how to create unity between two people who till the day of marriage were essentially strangers. The Maharal says that becomes a paradigm for all of the Jewish people to become unified, and it becomes a paradigm for all of human civilization to become unified. When you get along with your spouse, when you manage to do and create that miracle of 1 + 1 equaling one rather than two, you actually create a paradigm for a world of unity, for a world of lo yisa el cherev velo yilmadu od milchama, as the Navi says in Yeshayahu alef we read in acharon shel Pesach. Vegar ze'ev im keves, the wolf lies with the lamb, cuz sometimes marriages look like that. Lo yare'u velo yashchisu bechol har kodshi, ki mal'ah ha'aretz de'ah es Hashem kemayim layam. Every person who works on their marriage and creates harmony in their own home is really creating a microcosm of a utopian world, a microcosm of a Geulah world in which we all really are unified, in which we all really get along, in which we all recognize that even though we're different, but it's really from one. On our dollar bill, it says from many, one, but it starts off because from one, many. All the many came from one, and therefore the many can go back into one. And the beginning of that is always in a marriage where two distinct people from different backgrounds, different genetic compositions and codes, different natures, different dispositions, different genders, and sometimes very different in so many areas, nonetheless, we learn not to become the same, but to become unified, to become integrated, to become dedicated to each other, to be able to trust each other and be here for each other. And therefore, I say to you, my dearest friends, that today indeed is a unique and apro- appropriate time for this, especially because of two reasons. Number one, we live in a generation where toxicity and trauma that has been repressed for many generations is emerging to the fore. Many marriages are now experiencing crises, challenges, and problems. People ask me, my parents didn't have all these issues that I have, my grandparents didn't have all these issues, my great-grandparents didn't have all these issues. They stayed married, nobody asked a question. Why today are there so many issues and problems? And the answer is, I don't think it's bad news, there's a ma'alah in it. All the toxicity is coming out so that we can get rid of it. It's like the melacha of borer in Shabbos, there's borer ochel umpsolos, there's the good and the bad, and the psolos comes to the fore because you want to extricate it, you want to remove it. We are preparing for a time when the world consciousness will be divine. There's no room for toxicity, there's no room for negativity, for negative energy, so it swims up to the surface. Don't despair, don't get discouraged, it's an opportunity to grow from it. So every issue that's now coming up in your marriage, in our marriages, don't surrender to despair and oy vey, Rachmana litzlan, what do we do? It's an opportunity to work on yourselves, husband and wife, and go into a much, much deeper place in order to be able to extricate from our systems all those messages, the narratives, the traumas, the skeletons, the demons, the ghosts, the bad habits, addictions, the stories that we tell ourselves that enslave us and alienate us from each other, and really once and for all confront it. Sometimes get rid of it, sometimes transform it, sometimes subdue it, sometimes quarantine it. Number two is the quarantine. Quarantine gives everyone an opportunity. Husbands and wives have been together in ways that they haven't been for many years. I know I have been home for a few months every single Shabbos, every single Yom Tov, haven't been on a plane since a few days before Purim, my last trip to Toronto, Miami, and as a result of that, it gives us all a tremendous opportunity to really get to know each other in a new way, almost to renew our vows. It's a time to talk to your spouse, take walks, take long walks without the phones. Conversations, explore life, discuss your differences respectfully, but discuss your differences. It's also crucial today for children. No question that quarantine has affected our children profoundly. I'm not sure we even realize yet the consequences. And generally we live in a time with a lot of sensitivities, a lot of challenges. Technology certainly does not make it easier for anybody. It has become a source of toxicity and destruction for many, and it's so important that couples should be on the same page. Extremely important. Even if they make sometimes wrong decisions, but the fact that there's a unified front in the home, the fact that children know that Tati and Mommy get along with each other is an extraordinary unprecedented gift. One of the greatest gifts you can give your children is loving their other parent. Yes, we give our children food and love and nurture and a lot of other things that we try to give them, but one of the most important, maybe most powerful gifts you can give your child is love their mother or love their father. Now I know that there are some difficult situations when a when a spouse is suffering from serious trauma, when a spouse is suffering from serious mental illness, when a spouse is suffering from personality disorder, then the game changes, the rules change. Because here there's a very, very real issue, and even if you do everything in the right and you do all the right things and you follow the rules and you're doing everything good, when somebody has an illness or a real disorder or trauma they're suffering from, everything could just come right back at you in a very negative way, and it's so important that at such a situation the right help is identified and found because a person really has to be able to take responsibility and say, "I am really struggling with something and it's not your fault, it's my fault, and I am going to find the help that I need." So it's very to make that qualification. Now, it's here that I think it's important to emphasize and underscore a very powerful point. And that is, when things come up, don't be afraid of any of your feelings. You're bigger than all of your emotions. You could contain anything that is happening in your brain. Your soul is divine and infinite. You are a container. Any thought that comes up in your brain, any emotion, any sensation, it could be deep pain, deep anger, deep frustration. You're infuriated, you're overwhelmed, you're startled, you're lost, you're desperate. Don't be afraid. Never be afraid of any emotion that comes to the fore. You're bigger than it, you're stronger than it, you're more powerful than it, you could contain it. Allow yourself to look at it and to observe it. Don't define yourself by it. Take a deep breath, be patient and calm and compassionate towards yourself, and just look at it. Study it. Don't make it yours. I am not my thoughts, I'm not my trauma, I am not my skeletons, I am not my depression, I am not my stress, I am not my anxiety, I am not my hatred, I am not my anger. Allow yourself really to observe it respectfully, compassionately, and learn from it. It will teach you what you have to work on. It will teach you where your struggles may be. It will teach you where you can grow. And don't let it define the trajectory of your life and the patterns of your behavior. Just that truth itself, I'm feeling something. Don't get overwhelmed. Let it be, give it its space, and watch and observe it. It's not me, it's not my essence. It's something that's coming up inside of me. The great Baal Shem Tov called thoughts levushin, they're garments. Garments you put on and you take off. They're not me. My bekeshe, my kapote, my shirt, my tie may be dirty, may be clean, may be stunning, may be ugly, but it's not me. I could take it off, I could put it on. Sometimes it looks like me because it's so connected to me, especially if I'm wearing the same kapote for 10 years, but it's still not me. Your thoughts are not you. Who are you? You are divine. You are love. You are infinity. You are the light of Hashem in this world. We've been hearing all the the whole all the programs, all the wonderful speakers and singers. The power of an neshama. Never label souls. Don't label yourself. Don't limit yourself. Don't shrink yourself. The power of a soul is incredible. And when I can identify that energy inside of me, that infinity inside of me, I could look at everything else, see it for what it is, learn from it, realize that it's here to help me grow, and not become a victim to it. Generally I would say, people say, "How do you make decisions in a marriage, especially serious decisions?" And I would say to you, one of the best things and exercises you could do is imagine you're 100 years old, you're already retired, you're sitting at the ocean, beautiful beach chair, and you're reflecting on your life, and you remember when you were 30, 40, 50, 60, 20, whatever age it is, and you had this fork, these two choices, and you know about each choice, which choice will you be very proud of when you're 100 years old or 95 years old? That's the choice that probably reflects your innermost core values. Remember the pasuk in Bereishit. The first time it says lo tov in Torah. What's the first time Hashem says something is not good in all of Torah? What would you say? What would be the first thing Hashem would say is not good? I would think idolatry, adultery, some other grave sin. No. The first thing that the Ribono shel Olam says is not good in Torah is what? Lo tov hayot ha'adam levado. It's not good for a person to be levado, to be alone. We need connection. We need attachment. And let me tell you something. Sometimes when I don't have connection, when I feel isolated, alone, misunderstood, abused, the victim of the world, what happens is the pain is so profound, I tell myself I don't need connection. I don't need attachment. Because if I tell myself I need it, I'm just going to be opening myself up to unbearable pain. But remember the truth is sometimes the exact opposite. You need attachment. You need connection. Be honest about it. Be vulnerable about it. Because lo tov hayot ha'adam levado, the creator of the human brain, who knows a thing or two about neuroscience, says it's not good levado. Of course, each of us must be independent and we have our distinctive unique personality and contribution. E main anili milia shelosha, but u'shani la'atzmi ma'ani. Together with that, lo tov hayot ha'adam levado. It's not good. It's not good for a person to be levado. You need a friend. You need a relationship. I need connectedness. And when I don't have it, it creates a deep void. And to escape it, I sometimes say, "Oh, I don't need it. This person is anyway a horrible person. Who needs them?" I'm really crying for more understanding, for more attachment. So I say to you, all of my dear friends, all Jewish couples the world over, it's fine to disagree with each other, but let's not stop trusting each other. We need to be able to be here for each other. We have to be able to talk about our differences, to talk about with a little humor how we see things differently, to be able to know that we could lean on each other, that even if I have a different perspective, I'm not out to get you. We have to extricate from ourselves and identify the traumas and the skeletons that are creating this contention and this distance. Have the courage, my dearest friends, to confront your emotions. Have the courage to be vulnerable. Have the courage to be open. Have the courage courage to expose yourself to what's really going on in your heart and in the other person's heart. Instead of just blaming your husband or blaming your wife and pointing a finger, remember when I point a finger at you, at that moment I'm pointing four fingers at myself. It's easy to point fingers. In fact, sometimes I may have there's some truth to what I'm saying. That's fine. But do not think it's always about the other person. Have the courage to identify what is happening inside of me, inside of you. Let's figure it out. Let's look at it. Let's examine it. And let's remember our core is never contaminated. The trauma that we face are things we could look at. They are not our essence. I could learn from them. I can try to heal them. I can emancipate myself from them. We are capable of creating amazing marriages in our home. Don't say to yourself, "Because 5 years it's been hard, 10 years difficult, 15 years excruciatingly painful, 20 years have gone down the drain with endless contention and fighting, 30 years of no peace." The worst thing you can do is surrender to despair. No, the world is created every moment anew. You can tap into a new energy. There are new possibilities. There are new resources. I Let's identify the problems. Let's identify the challenges and get to work. Everybody deserves to have positive energy in their home, to have good marriages, to have a good ambiance. It is crucial. It is vital. It is so helpful in life, and it is really the right of every individual to be able to cultivate that. Remember also, you go to people. Not everyone is an expert. Somebody is not helping you. Move on. Be an educated consumer. Don't be blind. Follow your instincts and make sure things are helping you. Remember, there is help, but if it's not helping you, it's time to move on. You want people who in your life will help bring out the best in you and really help you maximize your potentials in the most powerful powerful way. I conclude with the words of the Gamara in Bava Metzia on Nun Tes. The Gamara says that Is a Guta Gochen Vilachishla, which means if your spouse is short, bend down, bend down and whisper to her because if you don't bend down, she or he won't be able to hear the words because there's a distance. One is tall and one is short. So, somebody once asked, "Why do you have to bend down and whisper? Just speak loud. Speak loud and they'll hear you." The answer is the Gamara is saying something much deeper. It's not just a mechanism of how to communicate that they should listen physically. Bending down means I have to always recognize where the other person is. And even if it's not where I am, I have to be able to respect your height, your vantage point, your perspective. Every height gives you a different vantage point of the horizon. I have to bend and I have to tune in to where you are. I have to speak to you and communicate to you in a way that it's respectful of your position, of your Weltanschauung, just as you should do it to me, I should do it to you. And together, we create a microcosm of a Beit Hamikdash where the Keruvim are not only gazing at each other, but where they're really close to each other. A microcosm of a world that becomes a macrocosm of complete unity between the Keruvim. Bayom Hahu Hashem Echad Ushmo Echad in eternal love, bliss, unity, and harmony. Thank you very very much. 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