How Often can a Husband Go Out with His Friends? - Rabbi Akiva Rutenberg

how often should a guy have a guys night out with his buddies I don't think there's a formula that every every person every family every couples should keep to the same formula but I do think it's healthy both for the husband and for the wife to at times go out with their friends and appropriate settings one of the most important things in Shalom bayit and in parenting is self-care taking care of yourself and unfortunately in our very hectic lifestyles sometimes we neglect ourselves and if we neglect ourselves we end up not being the kind of spouse that we want to be or should be and not the parent that we want to be or should be it should be and I've seen many situations like this sometimes it comes with the best of intentions I see I see this with with mothers I see it with with with fathers with husbands who think that I'm it's not I shouldn't go out I shouldn't take care of myself I shouldn't go to a gym let's say go to whatever it is that's going to be to take care of themselves and I think that this is a very very big mistake and ultimately you pay the price for this later on when your fuse is short because you haven't taken care of yourself etc however too much of going out and doing your own thing is also problematic and can really create a lot of stress and tension in a relationship I was talking to a newly married guy who came to me and he said that he works in a certain place and a whole bunch of husbands who were married a few years longer than him were bragging about how much they go out I go out two times a week I go out three times I my wife stays all might come back too and the more I do this I do that and he realized that something's wrong with this picture and I think that it is a very big issue and a big problem and you need to really find balance in it I think that when when a husband goes out it's our wife goes out it should be supported by their spouse again assuming it's appropriate setting appropriate environment it should be supported by their spouse the worst thing that a wife can do when a husband says he wants to go out is roll her eyes where her eye you know eyeballs go back to the back of her head this is okay go like that right that that's that that literally makes the husband feel like going out and not coming home god forbid you don't want you don't want to do that there are times when you need to stand your ground and say no I really you know feel it's important that you stay home etc but I do think that like you with everything we need to find the proper balance and it is healthy to to go out it's healthy to have you time of course a couple by themselves and it's not something that was mentioned tonight but it has to be mentioned because it's so so crucial that couples spend time together away from their kids it's the best gift you can give your kids that you're taking care of your own relationship I can't say how many times I see couples who think oh there's no babysitter good enough for my kids excuse me that is an excuse and it's not okay because you have to find the babysitter that's good enough for your kids even if it's not you're in luck you have to find the babysitter's good enough for your kids because you have to spend time together you have to spend time taking care of yourself support your spouse in there taking time for themselves and then hopefully they won't take advantage of it that was really great remember I just you know I learned at times and one of the coton says to me sir rabbi is this normal like my wife wants me to go out the guys once a week so I'm thinking everyone complaints their wife never lets on the house this guy tells me he's complain his wife wants and we pass so I knew something was up so I was like well what did you say to her you know to spark this conversation I said rabbi you know what I said I said when we get married baby I'm gonna be home every night just me and you and I was like he this man this young man is on to something the wife wants you to be normal she doesn't want you to stay home all the time but she doesn't want to feel like you have one foot out the door rather hang out dear friends than her so once you say to your wife babe I'm home every night with you that's it she's like oh court yeah that's not normal go Alec wants to recap you know like for every member said you need some self-care you know but if you say okay we we home again can go out can I said can I go out with with Boris and vidi so then so so then yeah of course she's gonna want to stay home and roll and roll her eyes when you do go out you know I by the way I just have one recommendation that guys anyone who wants to go out their house their friends do not go out with your friends per week more times than you have a date night alone with your wife all right that that's a good litmus test you want to go out once a week but make sure you go out just with your wife wants a week too [Music] [Applause]