I'm furious at my therapist, now what?! - Chaim Kantor - Pushet Pshat • Ep 34

Massive tooth facer. You're my therapist. I hate you. Why am I not moving on? Whatever. One of, if not the leading therapist in our community. No, this do mind finally agreed. So, welcome to our studio and therapist. is kind of like frozen like so what do you want to talk about today like as easy as I can client what does he feel >> how does he judge him. >> Absolutely. And how come is he look? >> Yeah. So for me, thank you and the belt. Well done. So met Ari. We're both my boys. Born and bread of misery. Maple Street. Um, Main Street. >> Main Street. Yeah. the bike and the brakes. It was dangerous. Yeah. So high school. So by the 27 says boy, >> at some point you took a turn. >> Some point I took a turn. At some point I had to learnish. Yeah. mind or to wipe. And you know that was my um at some point. It was interesting. connected. Oh yeah, of course. Well, every story is not I enjoyed going there. I guess was a nice thing. It was fun. >> How do how do your family take it at the time? back. So, So she supported me all the way shopping around the corner groceries. for my mom. So this mind as as a little boy, mommy took me. >> Oh wow. shock. Yeah. So, it's kind of history. So, And it was interesting. It was just interesting. a new environment. And this is beautiful. Got all the attention in the world. >> Yeah. And he was jealous. >> But yeah, said it was >> it was fun. >> It was fun. >> Interesting. It was sort of a natural progression. It was interesting. Why not? >> This is interesting. Very liberal. guy. As long as is wrong is wrong, go ahead and do it. >> That was it. There was He was a scary lady. and exactly. Okay. The school is going and Okay. So this is endorsement. They endorsed me. So film. It was was obvious That's a new me. >> That's a new me. So in the English, where do you get such a good English from? Alison college. Yeah. And that's me growing up. Most beautiful journey was >> I love your sarcasm. The culture, the nature, the mansion. No problem. Absolutely. London is the best. Thomas. Absolutely. compliment. Yeah. So, London wasn't the best thing or the didn't have the best rap sheet difficult. Well, culture, no friends. It was a big cultural shock. I loved it. Yeah. I love the feelsion family. Yeah. Local Yes. Um watching. So Okay. Okay. Yankee. Um, oh, really? How? Bottle in. I was in such disbelief. swallow. I'm sorry. I felt so good. It just felt good. Psychiatrist in that was stupid, reckless and dangerous. to my compliment. That was stupid. Well, vulnerable. be careful what you say. So tell me how stupid I was. That was a opening and yeah, go on. Um, I am Wow, didn't think of that one. ASAP. And this was like, whoa. Mhm. And I'm wondering was that the beginning of the path that led you towards your career? >> It surely was something. They have something which I don't have. So concerted plan it was wow. There's no training that they did was so they can for was wow Stanford Hill. organiz I was the baby there. I was in my 20s. I was a newcomer. Wow. Wow. He gave me techniques. Oh, maybe the answers drop. What was so difficult there? >> It was a culture shock to me. Listen to every word. For some reason, I felt it was very easy. I felt I was able to connect with them. >> Why did you leave the yeshiva? because there was an which was true. >> Okay. >> I didn't know how true that was in looking back I wasn't clear. There was unspoken territory which wasn't clear for me at the time. Um, looking back, I was very firm. Okay. >> Yeah. Palm pilot. Apparently there was a line that I was crossing and yeah I couldn't stay there anymore. Culture shock you deal with kids. >> Culture shock a break from football. You're not going to learn now. Serious entertaining. There you go. Please. It's good. says fleet papers. This is chaos. is my job. Okay. From 5 to 6 and in between English property office 2 to 5. Okay. straight. >> Oh wow. Okay. >> So is when the kingdom complained to us, Reb, why should I be in in school when my sisters are home? It was I never felt it in yeshiva. In yeshiva, it seemed like the boys wanted to be there. >> It was enjoyable. too enjoyable. >> Okay, we need to be honest. The difference is relaxed from background. Let's say >> not all which created that kind of heaviness potentially amongst >> Yeah. It was a very very diverse crowd >> and in levels of learning. So basically it it was a culture shock. It was very tough for me. So discipline and I couldn't live up to that discipline. It was well I couldn't I I couldn't follow >> and that's um drop me and all of a sudden running a farm >> just about with two legs. Yeah. Difficult. So introduced to therapy introduced to therapy. So that's when I got my first therapist and it was a lifesaver week in week out. I have no clue. I just did all the talking slowly but surely therapist green therapist. There was nobody here. looking back on therapist, psychologist is again like you didn't grow up with it. >> You didn't know that you want to be a therapist. You just knew you wanted you wanted to do something more. >> I didn't even know if I wanted to do very curious. >> Okay. mention. It wasn't conscious, but I was curious. about was mentioned in your I'm curious infection. I always wanted to make sure that the paint was taken. >> Yeah. >> So I'm curious. >> So at what point do you conclusion? Okay. was therapy or the psychotherapy, whatever. Kind of linear no going to be able to get there. So, but it wasn't something I have to get there. The question is how the organization talking matters bringing awareness in the community >> awareness of what? >> Of mental health. >> Okay. grant from the NHS from the government therapist in the library of >> Clapton >> Portland therapist and she gave for the so the first course that she advertised I think there was like seven eight men was about addictions Rabbi Davidski gave him okay addictions. I had no feeling for it. Fine. I'll take that. I'll take this. But nothing's going to add up. I was always very jealous. Oh, but early 2000s. What's your qualifications? Yours can be the same. I want to set up a course for the front people. Wow. >> See this groundbreaking course was guy fertil. It was like this is going to be amazing >> for mental health >> for counseling. mental health is was way too far >> and evening therapist and he was the teacher and the promises gain as they're going to take us biz properly qualified therapists in the I was so proud the certificate. It's not going to continue. And this was very painful. You left me hanging. Taste >> and that's it. >> Absolutely. And what do I do now? So I was really hungry and I don't know what made the I know I was very scared. I was very scared. There's a lot of opposition. It was forbidden supporters. It was a very cute answer. root. People are telling it to me. Maybe they're kind. The the community needs it. telephone famous one the universities today are it's not like in my days drugs it's dangerous to go there college is evening for adults Oh, warning. So came true. >> Yeah. bit. I'm not going to talk about it. It's confidential. But yeah, big time. A lot of flack. A lot of flack. So college was a secret. Because I was careful, you know, always knew. Hello. Be careful. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not going to shake everyone's hands. Don't take it personal. So, forever. This is So loyal man already in college. response to college. Okay. I guess expected Yeah. So that was like a million dollars. He remembers You got qualified message. This is a 10 and a half second crit that I've kicked off in K. It's and okay. And that's basically saying and you're and you're dismissed for the next dimension. for seconds. It was college. Alfred College, you know, my approval. It's on you. Fine. And ever since No mention. >> Yeah. >> So this guy now I need I need to ask you about >> college and it's not it's not a cheap game is it? >> Not just it's not a cheap game but it's a very time consuming. So before the cheap game Biza um property job 2 to 5 to six once a week college. >> Yeah, he was one of he was my one of my first supporters. which was deemed controversial or out of the box. >> I lost a real >> I I think we're still feeling it to be honest. I would really >> I think he was you think was he knew how to shle in the strings and politicians >> the word he was absolutely sol he's very real the politician he believed in his cause >> I heard it really but it wasn't personal it wasn't there's no animosity it was I miss him So because he wasn't in for kids mocking about so college fees therapy that's a weekly expense supervision English. I can't read in English. I couldn't write. I couldn't spell. So all this is, you know, for money you can do anything. But where do I get money? I was desperate. So I was calling around people invest and I said seriously to try that's when I wrote a Yeah, dear Mr. So and so college therapist can't afford it. I'm surprised I got a call and I get okay. Okay. Anything when you finish qualifying for the community. Wow. >> This was >> Yeah, thision reach out to people. You never know. >> Yeah. I never dreamed it was just a letter trajectory which is only when you buy that when so it's interesting mention mind you just wasn't it wasn't beginner's luck or a gamble but yeah there are good people out there you'd be surprised >> of college adult counselor, child psychotherapy and he said deal one year later was 2008 you know guilt >> and I had to pay for it myself but I was making money already >> I was already working already making money so can't afford wow He's part of that chain. No doubt. >> Absolutely. >> So, a beautiful journey by the way. Simple question. Therapist. >> A therapist. What kind of therapist? So, so that cash is a loaded question. was my therapist from my perspective from they shipped so what's your question with my therapist but basically I think what we're seeing is the change over the last few years was therapist whatever issues they're feeling in the community. So, so I'm so I guess the question is the job for therapist and what are the type of people that come to therapist do they do they hide in the from their so therapist. It's a lot. It's a lot. Maybe we need to It's a lot. It's a lot. Okay. I'm shaking. for do it therapist is fine. Okay. How does that make you feel? How does that make you feel that therapy has a stigma and there can be a million one reason for s stigma? Um some of the reasons is a therapist and alliance shelik. Um there's a certain aura and mysticism in secret therapist. What is therapy? Another reason is that therapy is a very broad term. And there are some people who go to therapy because they have serious traumas. Some people go to therapy because they're some people go to therapy because they're imagining things or they believe things which people telling them they're imagining. So this by the way the best marketing for therapist session is a nice story. It's refreshing. So V is some sort of magic. What do you expect? So people are either going to be suspicious or wow therapy. I was excited therapist negative. disagree the message therapist and I don't blame the but the message is uh so I'm so crazy and I'm so bad >> punishment they confirmed his mom is going >> punishment problem. So this idea as therapist Zenuion it's it has both sides of the stick and am I right saying therapist for the 15 or more, but lately new. So specialist brain controversial but I'm just I'm trying to ask a question if if a controversial question >> correct >> the question over here is um continue doing what they do because mostly they do a great job and 24/7 for mention wow it's not what they went to kul for in kavad that itself creates creates a rift while in therapist automatically an assumption mention when actually the story is stories and the Interesting. >> You'd get the same answer. >> I'm going to let it rip. >> Yeah. >> And I'm going to say I'm going to filter my conversation. So automatically therapist. So it is a issue for therapists are not at liberty without permission to sometimes it's amazing when a client can say please one condition and we have beautiful conversations health Amazing visa kicks today. Kicks today soon. But there is a big issue issue mention therapy trust therapist mention trust was felt let down growing up felt let down in the family in the wider society. can trust. So trust issues, it's a universal issue and go on. community trust. Let's try to explain trust mind that's simple confidentiality if you really want to go to it. But there's a bigger issue with trust. Do I trust the therapist? Do I trust shut up. And their noise of feeling judged, being judgmental is a big is I ran a course in a college and one of the questions >> a course for counselors. Yes, we did one course for men. Um good oil but this college few courses were thrown and even by the ladies I came in for one specific training it was called working within the orthodox community you know year two year three it's a requirement Um and the list was unanimous. Kicked up George. Um going to bump into them by So that's a big issue. >> Massive. What do you mean by you kind of have to So one of this office. So hello and I'll follow your cues. So yeah is a big issue. >> I can I can confirm it from my own experience >> with your therapist >> with you. >> No comment. Yeah. Oh no. >> Yeah, that was serious. >> It's true. I didn't say >> it was a heavy case. >> No, no comment. Therapy in general confir you can confirm or deny, but the style of the background. I don't know. But it it takes time sometimes to find the right therapist for you. It's a but it's a hell of a journey. >> It's it's it takes time. Takes a lot of time, a lot of effort. >> And I want to say absolutely we could talk about that in a second, but this is not so aware. So if this is going to be informative business, who's his first clients? Who's his first customers? His friends and his family. Who's going to be my first customers? Close ones. So the theme is as the the belief is as therapist practice enough >> my nephews my cousins the problem in therapy is therapy cannot help a therapeutic relationship therapeutic relation mind is therapy It ain't going to work. And people think I know it doesn't work. So any rel any therapeutic relationship was to it. So when you say I came to therapist and that it's safe for me to explore and talk the untoable. So yeah, like you said, it is a don't commit to talk to the untoable. So I'm sure it's going to be limited how much we can get into it. But some of the areas that people struggle with that you would say this is the perfect to explore therapist. >> Anything that you feel is untoable. That's just the answer. certain beliefs, certain feelings. So that's sort of therapist was I don't feel I could speak to somebody else. and something as I'm trying to see my way out of it can be talkable. >> Absolutely. But but that's why is the therapist see a framework a confidential space tries not to be judgmental and feeling safe to talk the untoable therapist. I would hope not. So Thomas is uncomfortable for me. It's uncomfortable for the therapist. Um and the question is is a therapist ready for everything unspoken about topic about training to be a therapist. therapist. You don't just read a book that says this and there's a trick for this and there's a technique for this. But a big part of the training was trainings is to push your buttons and to see what makes you jump. Questions mention potential and how you going to respond. I remember in college one of the questions we had to exercise was tell your friend to practice your worst client. What are they going to say to you? And the purpose for them is that you should be ready but to really push yourself and ask those questions. It's human. Are you ready to hear it? And it was very helpful this training. They really push you. And one of the best questions or challenges or exercise I had in college was when somebody was we had to act things out and my partner said, "You're my therapist. I hate you. I hate you." I wasn't ready for it. That was probably my best exercise. untoable topic. The next therapist and in my experience by by therapy alliance inside a therapist, the people who were brave enough to say those were the richest conversations and it's very healing while in the therapist is the first entry to kick off and can I challenge you. So to all people out there therapist alliance this is something feel training is so important again available to sessions in zitian in a lot. But one of the things they all struggle with is Look how much trust that is. And why taking it so seriously? He's he's telling you I hate you. Well, it's that you're still going to be there tomorrow for him. So we are naturally born with takes hard work but >> powerful line. The fact and it's your mind. >> I absolutely do. This was a good clickbait question. Yeah. In if we really ask them in quote the best thing your teenage child can is I hate you and your response should be and I love you too. I'm being honest with you. It's the most honest comment somebody can really say. And what do we do? We say, "I can't take honesty." >> Yeah. So, like 20 minutes ago. So the answer is yes. I always wish I mean you have to set up trainings. training therapist is a big thing you know I don't feel confident to do it myself set up his training set up his training in our college I like it I enjoyed it never got around to do it training mention training is information so alith The sad thing is the book is always going to say it was mention is how to train the get so offended train was gave a hogan I'm going to get dividends because this is what we're doing right now and I love you too. So, and this is something that we can't read. We have to practice it. We have to sit with somebody else and and fail on it and fail on it and fail on it until we go I get it. Punch me now. So, this is I think any training is good. would benefit. Moistas moist and mention this is mention there's some big secrets that I have to hide. Um rule stamp be proud therapy and well done therapist out there. I'll give them a session, two three numist. >> Yeah. But of course take your details and if >> by the way behind behind my door is no problem. >> Yeah. mention Kim and Hans therapists therapy while the therapeutic vague C says problem solving. So CBT is full of problem solving. psychodamic therapy. Where am I coming from? What's motivating me? What's motivating my clients? Why am I stuck in this business? Why am I not moving on? It mentions you're wasting yourself. So some people and he gets the cash and goes, "Yeah, I'm off to go mention and they're still stuck." And that's where their business is still stuck. They haven't expanded. The family shabas is still the same. And it's not a psychological problem. They want to grow. They want to get better at something. and they say come or let me go to another therapist. And these are the people who for the first time a couple of years ago I'm not a business coach but it helps people think. It helps people think of things that they never thought about. So this is the new almost like the was organizations head of organizations was coming to therapy coaching help me understand the best best Why? So being curious is sometimes frustrating because you don't always have the answer. Sometimes it's so rewarding. So hand mentioned can come to therapy for therapy reasons >> business family if you implement it in family and business first of all you learn who you are you learn about yourself business Okay. Okay. Upset. He has the right to be upset. Negotiation skills psychology. Interestingly and do% psychology negotiation skills negotiate. Hello. He's not stupid. He's not crazy. So sometimes it's tough to go well. I think um there's one thing that I need to message which is doubtsable. the stigma and to be able to help himself controversial. >> Yeah. You lost him. Why? And you'll be surprised they mention and they were let down. So if I mention it's I just ask them. Wow. Tell me why. And you don't trust them. So couple of years ago. The best therapist. Thanks. Next. Um, the best I mean it live example. Well, you're being brave. Just exaggerate. >> Judgement. Okay. Mind was my judgment. >> Okay. Go for it. >> Okay. >> Exaggerate. Yeah, just worse. Exaggerate that. And the name of feeling is questions. >> Um, I believe I totally help him because it's going to make me feel um, >> thank you. successful >> ashamed ashamed >> and exposed >> this makes you normal and me normal and all of us and shame is the barrier with anything in life and therapy as well we build a whole life around ourselves to cover ourselves up hello It's very scary. I know it's a rhetorical seemingly controversial question, but if you really think about it, why are you coming either or mention me? I'm scared. I'm really scared of opening up and dimension are not stupid. They're actually very clever. And it's it's a big challenge for a therapist to sometimes too quick, too slow, and people do feel hurt and shamed. And you do get a text the next week, uh, sorry, I can't make it. >> And and this is don't judge yourself or the therapist sessions. I never felt somebody listening to me. And there's this belief Boom, boom, boom. Slow down. Time is going to heal. You're going to have to think in between sessions. Sometimes I do give often, but a lot of young therapists talk. Oh, great. He's going to fill up my hours. I'm going to slow down. Slow down. Slow down. And the flip side when I mention Yeah. come back and say, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I didn't feel very comfortable last week. We'll finish with that. Therapy is like a an emotional gem. We practice things and we hopefully come out stronger. We hopefully come out clearer like what you say. But at least to be the best version of yourself. By the way, public service announcement. like >> please do sponsored therapy sessions. So if that is a reason, don't hold yourself back. Reach out. Yeah. Yeah. And this is a a win-win. There was a bridge that wasn't built. qualified college essays and hours as to free organizations therapist and people come and they have a therapist. therapist qualified therapist students. So interesting research that sometimes student therapy therapists do a better job than seasoned therapists. >> Two reasons. Number one, And number three, they're really listening to you. So their idea, it's not true. That was the idea. See man students that mentioned who wanted cheaper therapy. It it didn't kick off fully qualified qualified. So as I mentioned is in a qualified training as in the qualified supervisors and this is part of his training you could get a very good deal of not spending a lot of money and having somebody work with you and usually a student has a supervisor so I can't see is this for me this above my league am I safe am I okay supervisally even if you go to a student you're still in safe hands you're being there Oversight is oversight. There is if it's a proper training, if it's a training is there to really build people and help people get their qualifications. Yeah. There's crews, there's child lines, there's all these organizations. That's where people go. You do your hours there. People get free therapy. Maybe that would be the man the lesson from the from this episode that's another reason why so the college isn't to see it's mention is their bridge and the students struggled in getting their hours and if there's no hours there's no qualification there's nothing responded available. So, so the ter don't advertise organiz for mention health for mention get the proper psychiatric and psychotherapy help money well spent help people get qualified help people get free therapy you'll be killing two birds with one stone it's a real I think we'll we'll talk about um noon 9:05 to 9:0. >> This is this is a project with >> Yeah. But I think if if I put you at the table together with together and maybe one or two other people, I think it could be figured out easily. >> Thank you for coming in. approach the feelings towards this topic um will improve mentioning as a result and I appreciate you for coming in and sharing this with us. Well, it wasn't easy to get you in. Took a while. So, I appreciate it and my pleasure and it wasn't easy for me to come here. I hope I didn't say anything. for message anything. So the message is therapist. It's very difficult. It's scary. It's daunting. jump and that's okay. You connect with aim. That's his job, not yours. And your job is to say what you have on your mind. >> What was that? What was that? 33 seconds. Yeah. officey and just enjoying life. I want you to enjoy as well. There's a reason we often from them. >> Pleasure. >> And by the way, I want to also thank the listeners um feedback. So, we appreciate it. But feedback on the platform name, how to handle It's scary. You pulled it off. You started something which I definitely >> It was a good joke. Uh, unfortunate. >> Well done. Well done.