Is Having Guests More Stressful for Women? - Parsha Vayeira

so good evening and welcome to all those who are joining us here this evening from around the world tonight's class is graciously dedicated by david and eda shotenstein in the loving memory of a young soul alta shula word love struck down by a bus in jerusalem the daughter of rabbayasi and hindu sword love tahei nish masatsura the class is also dedicated by the schottenstein by the schottensteins in the loving memory of rabbi gavriel nayach and his wife rifki haltzberg struck down in the terror attacks of mumbai last year and all of the kadashim of mumbai india tonight we are going to explore a intriguing and enigmatic observation in the talmud which deals with the different way in which men and women deal with having guests at their homes and it's an observation in talmud which naturally is misunderstood by many and sometimes can even get some people upset and it all begins with a seemingly superfluous word one extra word in the torah portion of vayera the beginning of ayara tells the story of the three people who come to visit avraham and sarah abraham and sarah at their tent and when abraham observes the three men walking by his tent he runs out and he invites them to his tent wants to offer them food and water and to relax under the tree and extends his legendary generosity and loving hospitality towards them open up your curriculum right below the video to source number one the torah says in the beginning of genesis chapter 18 verse 6 i've run rushes to the tent to his wife sarah vayomer and he tells amari swiftly prepare prepare three which is a measurement three saw of meal and fine flour lushi need the dough which you will make from the flour vase and bake cakes what perturbed the talmudic sages and all of the commentators is two words avraham tells his wife prepare kamach and silas kamach is inferior flower soilless is fine flour kamach which we translate as meal is coarse flour soilless is much more refined flour did abraham ask his wife to prepare kamak inferior flower or soilless fine flower which one rashi rabbi yitzchaki the most basic biblical commentator gives us his interpretation in source number two in your curriculum right below the videos in english translation avram told her to prepare both meal and fine flour the fine flour was for the cakes and the meal was for the starch used by cooks to cover the pot and to draw out the scum the dirt so the kamach and the soils were used for two different purposes the fine flour he actually asked her to use for the cakes and the meal the inferior flour is just to use by the is to use for the pot itself the talamod the gemara asks the same question but presents a different answer open up your curriculum to source number three zug the gemara baba mitsiya daaf paisayan ahmed alif track date baba mezia hey so the gemura quotes this verse and says the torah writes both the word kamach and the word silas inferior flower and fine flower which one was it from here we may derive that a woman is stingier than a man towards guests the word sora in hebrew actually means narrow tsar is narrow sora means a distressed soros problems which make a life more narrow and stressful stingy is also stingier in the sense that a stingy person is narrow with his or her money or or resources possessions and so forth so literal translation is a woman's eyes are more narrow towards the guests towards guests than a man's eyes usual the english translation is a woman is stingier than a man towards guests i am emphasizing the exact translation of the word because it's necessary for the continuation of the class now first of all what does this mean what does it mean that a woman is stingier to guests more than men is it really could you really make a general statement about men versus women it depends on the man it depends on the women some women i was preparing the class so i shared this observation in talmud with my wife so she tells me she says not my mother my mother is extremely hospitable to her guests some men are very hospitable some women are very hospitable some men are inhospitable and some women are inhospitable some people like gas some people don't like some enjoy some don't destroy the equality of selfishness has not been conferred upon women more than men there are selfish women and there are selfish men there are unselfish very kind women and they're very kind man so first of all what does the talmud mean what does it mean making a statement that a woman is stingier than a man towards guests that's number one but before we get into that let's understand where does he prove it from avram says kamach and he says silas from here we can derive that a woman is stingier towards guests more than men where from where can we derive it source number four rashik saviad yosha rashi the great commentator on the bible under the talmud his name was rabbi yitzhak his father's name was rebecca he lived in the 11th century in france in troy in france was also for a while studying in germany in vermicen worms but primarily lived in france and he wrote his classical timeless most foundational and basic commentaries on the basic jewish literature on the tanakh on the bible and on the talmud on the gemara rashi in the 11th century didn't type up his commentary he wrote them and he often wrote different versions a lot of his commentaries found in different versions because he wrote that was copied he revised and that was copied in many manuscripts he edited sometimes once twice three times so sometimes we have different versions of rashi summer attributed to himself because he revised his texts his manuscript several times and sometimes since there was no press printing press everything was copied in the handwriting so it could be a mistake of a copier somebody who was copying the original manuscript or the copy of the original or the copy of the copy of the copy etc in the old handwriting there's an old saviad of rashi and rashi on this gemara says that the way the talmud is explaining the verse is avraham said and sorrow said silas which means avraham comes running to the tent to his wife and he says sarah we have guests please fast prepare three of kamach of course flower soros says no silas i'm going to prepare fine flour and then avraham continues knead them and make them into cakes so why does the torah use two different words because there was an argument avramavinu said kamach unfine flower inferior flower and sarah said no we're going to prepare soilless we're going to take the best flower for the guests this is as i said an old xavier yoshin in rashi quoted in haggadah in the haggadah known as maisonism of rabbi akiva of lisa and this version is quoted in various sources among various commentators in fact it also seems consistent with the order of the passage which word comes first kamach then silas who is speaking avraham is speaking so who would we suggest said the first word kamach avramavi nusavram said to sarah prepare course flower and then the gemarak says saris said silas if this is the case the whole talmud doesn't make sense abraham told his wife to prepare use coarse flour for the guests his wife argued and said no we're going to use fine flour and then from here we learn that a woman is stingier than a man towards guests it's the other way around from here we learn that a woman is more generous more giving more hospitable than her husband her husband wanted to use coarse flour she wanted to use fine flour and yet the talmud says from here we learn a woman is tingier than a man towards guests how do we understand now if you open up source number five in your curriculum right under the video you have a pdf document source number five we have rashi's version and our gemara today what does rashi say he um she said kama and he said silas sir uh avraham avinu comes into the tent and he tells sarah mary shlosh prepare three sa'a and sarah says kamach should i prepare coarse flour and avraham avinu says no silas prepare fine flour so we can understand the talmud rabbitzhak is saying look her initial thought was to prepare coarse flour because she was stingier towards the guest she didn't want to use the best flower and her husband said no let's use the best flower that version we can understand the proof according to this explanation but according to the first version of rashi and as i said many commentators you have the safer you have the hida in pesachin you have the ben yoda the pardes joseph brings i'm quoting different commentators who bring this version that soros said silas and avraham said kamach according to this this whole statement in the talmud seems difficult to understand so i want to share with you a lovely insight of the baal shem tov rabbi yisrael al-shamdiv was the founder of hasidism of the hasidic movement of siddhis born in 1698 passed away in 1760. and in one of the volumes which compiles his teachings we have an explanation presented by the balsham it's in the book kasir shemtif simentov yudhalid chapter and the belgentive answers the question by presenting a grand metaphor a story and it's a story about a lion who once assembled all of his cubs its cubs and the lion tells his young children growing up i want you to know who you are you are the mightiest strongest creatures in the world and all of the creatures in the world ought to be fearful of you and so the belgium says one day the young cubs were traveling the world they were walking around with full confidence and inner security and a sense of peace knowing that their father told them that they need to fear no one and everyone ought to fear them and in their travels and their journeys they one day arrive at a destroyed mansion and they enter into the destroyed mansion and the mansion has an impressive art gallery with many different pieces of art and portraits and on one wall suddenly the young cubs see a portrait of the scene where shimshin hagibr samson confronts and fights a lion and actually defeats and kills the lion that story recorded in tanakh and safer schwift in the book of judges in the legendary stories of shimshin samson strength when the cubs beg saw this portrait they began trembling dread and fear overtook them and they ran and they ran as fast as they can to their father to the lion and they come into and with fear in their eyes they say tata father you promised us you told us that we are the strongest creatures in the world and here we came to this mansion and what do we see we see a portrait of a man confronting a lion destroying the lion defeating the lion and tearing the lion to pieces like we can tear the goats to pieces what happened and we were frightened when we saw this scene so their father tells them children kind of you got it all wrong the very fact that you observed that portrait of this man fighting the lion demonstrates the truth of my words why do you think they made a picture of it why do you think it's a piece of art you know why because it was a unique phenomenon it was a supernatural event that there was one man in history who was so mighty that he can confront and kill the lion and since it was such a unique and novel event therefore they drew a painting of it therefore the image of it the portrait of it is hanging on the wall because it is so unusual i guess uh parenthetically we can add that there is one more story in the tanakh about strikes down the lion but you know the gemarian brachus staff you zion which explains two interpretations what it means actually he went to the mikvah he went into the pit he went into the mikvah he had to break the ice the mikvah was ice he had to break the ice and enter into the ritual bath the spiritual ritual about the mikveh or the another interpretation that he learned sephiroth the hardest of all of the books the hardest of all over the talmudic midrashim the commentary on vayikra and he learnt it in a cold day back to our story so the father tells the cubs the fact that it is a portrait means that it's so unnatural because under natural circumstances you fear nobody everyone fears you says the bolshov this is the meaning of the gemara bhava matsiyya suddenly the khumus describes an argument between avraham and sarah about a seemingly very random issue abraham is inviting the guests into his home he comes to his wife and he says sarah prepare camach use coarse inferior flower for the guests sarah argues with him and says no silas i'm going to use the choiceiest flower the fine flower asks about why is the turtle reporting it is it really necessary to record about this conversation that abraham had with his wife sarah ah it's like the portrait of samson the lion it was unique it was special it was not a natural phenomenon that the husband says give them the coarse flower and the wife says give them the best flower the torah says it to demonstrate that there was something special extraordinary about sarah mikan the gemara says so from here we can derive that everyone bought sarah under normal circumstances on the ordinary conditions isha tsarena by erich usually the woman has an opposite approach towards guests it's interesting there is a book mekoi bracha a commentary on hummus that was authored by the same author of teretomima rabbi borucha levy epstein rabbi borac epstein who lived in the early 20th century the late 1800s to early 1900s and he asks the same question and he brings the same answer but he attributes it to himself he says i thought of an answer alabadi i thought of an answer based on this agoda based on this legend and story about the lion and the cubs and the the portrait of samson of shimshana gibber and so forth but essentially its source is from the balsamic now let's go to step two phase two what does it actually mean what does rabbi yitzchak mean the talmud when he says the woman is less generous less hospitable to guests than the man many people as i began the class of a very difficult time with the statement of the talmud and they asked the right question what do you mean there are women who work very hard to prepare for guests to invite guests they're extremely kind hospitable generous giving just as there are men who are how do you make such a statement now some people who um relate to talmudic observations and statements i would say with superficiality read such a statement and you say you see how the rabbis viewed women you see how the talmud regards women to make such a insensitive statement about women's relationship with guests that is a very superficial observation the same rabbis in the talmud who say bina yes nitna bisha a woman is far more intelligent and insightful than a man the talmudic sages were articulating deep truths about the mental psychological emotional biological and spiritual makeup of men and of women and we ought to study and reflect on their observations and statements pierce through the outer layer and explore what is the energy what is the message being conveyed here i want to present this evening six explanations there are more but tonight we explore six explanations on the statement of ribbit the first presented by the benya yoda in his commentary on baba mitsiya the ben yoda was authored by rabbenu yosef khayim the great rabbi of baghdad in iraq known as the ben ishai and in his commentary ben yahya suggests that a woman naturally loves very much to communicate with her husband she wants to spend time schmoozing talking re-vamp re-experiencing what happened during the day she wants him to talk to her she likes talking to him that's her nature and therefore when guests come it's hard for her it's difficult for her she wants the time with her husband to talk to schmooze to connect to converse about things to rehash the emotions the relationships the experiences of life it's sometimes hard for her we're men it's often easier for them because even when there's no guests as you know they're sometimes totally not interested in schmoozing and talking what was was what happened at the office happened it was stressful and i'm not interested in talking about it often the man comes home just wants to rely doesn't want to talk about it the woman wants to talk wants to connect it's her way of building the relationship that's the interpretation given by the ben yahayat i saw another interpretation given and quite a straightforward and simple one a woman often works very hard to prepare for guests there's the cooking and the baking and the cleaning and preparing the foods and setting up the dishes and setting the table and so on and so forth and sometimes it's very difficult and often a husband doesn't help and doesn't even appreciate and doesn't give her the respect and the attention she deserves and then when the guest comes he gives the guest undivided attention and affection and it's sometimes very difficult for the wife to have guests because often in the home she prepares and works so hard and it's hard for her and sometimes she's jealous of the guest and sometimes the husband really behaves in a way that he should not behave he doesn't help he doesn't show appreciation he doesn't appreciate the hard labor and work his wife is enduring to prepare for the guests and it becomes very difficult for her there's another explanation that's given and this has to do with another difference that we often see between men and women women are very meticulous or many women are very meticulous about the aesthetics of a home what the table looks like what the food looks like how many courses how many dishes how many portions the type of food the colorfulness of the food the diversity of the food some men or men are often clueless or careless so sometimes for a woman it's much more difficult to have guests it's a much more stressful experience some men don't understand this because then just take out some food we'll take from the store we'll take from here we'll take from there for women it's often extremely important to impress the guests the guests should feel extremely comfortable and nourished and nurtured with gourmet food and i'm not getting into here who's right who's wrong you need some type of healthy balance and equilibrium obviously because sometimes people get so stressed out about guests to a point which is simply unfair to them and unfair to their husband and unfair to their children and unfair to the household and unfair to the guests too because they can't feel comfortable but that's a separate discussion people have to uh be a little introspective and sometimes see if we're not overly sensitive in meshuggah about it but in any case it's harder for her with the guest her preparations what she needs to get the house ready for guests is far greater than what he needs so therefore it's more difficult for her and then there is another interpretation women the cabal explains this in various places and this is a truth articulated in judaism in different ways in different fashions a woman naturally is more private she's a more intimate creature and therefore having guests which intrudes into the privacy and intimacy of the home is less natural for the woman this doesn't mean the woman doesn't love it cherish it appreciate it enjoy it and work very hard for it but what it does mean is that the true one of the great strengths of the woman is to create intimacy in a home that the home is a safe protected and nurtured environment a guest breaches through that sense of intimacy it's an intrusion into the sacred private oasis of the home a man who's much more projective and out there less of an intimate creature less of intimate type of person is therefore more natural with it for a woman it could be more difficult more painful and then there is a fifth explanation namely the relationship between a host or a hostess and guest is by definition a what we call a mark of deca one a general one a woman appreciates a more internal directed deep and intimate relationship where a man often can appreciate a more general projected relationship a woman appreciates and nurtures more profound sensitive relationships because by nature called the basma a woman is a more internalized person and therefore her relationships are also more internalized and therefore when guests come where you need to entertain them and often project to them it runs often against her grain against her nature being that she appreciates a more intimate relationship which is difficult to experience certainly initially with the guest with the setup of guests it's more of a masculine thing and now we come to the ultimate explanation and in his com in the compilation of his teachings uttara on the portion of balak he gives the following explanation and here i go back to the word sora the talmud says mekan is from here we learn that the woman is stingier than a man towards guests but the word sarah doesn't literally mean stingier it means narrower says the maggot gives the following interpretation he says a woman's unique skill and talent is to narrow the influence to narrow the energy towards the guest directed towards the guest more than the man meaning we're not only dealing here with a physical statement about a home guests are coming to your home for dinner for lunch for shabbos for holiday for a party for an event for whatever it is and for the woman it's more difficult than the man we're dealing here with a deeper statement about the very concept of guest what does a guest represent a guest represents somebody who is not in his or her own home not in his or her own natural habitat and domain and they're coming to your house to receive food nurture inspiration from your table from your home so the iraq is the macabre the recipient the host and the hostess are the mashpeem are those who give whether it's food attention entertainment fun excitement love towards the guest and this represents every type of relationship between the giver and the taker the uniqueness of the woman is that she makes sure to narrow down and direct the flow of energy towards the specific needs disposition personality of the guest where a man often likes and enjoys a more general projection he speaks he sings he entertains he schmoozes he tells stories and what's often important to him is he had a great time he bonded with the guests in a certain way there was a good energy there was a good atmosphere there was good food it was great ambiance great atmosphere everything was good a woman is more sensitive to the particular personality of the guest it's not just about the general atmosphere and ambiance the man is sitting at the head of the table and he's projecting and he's entertaining and he's engaging and he's schmoozing and he's introducing and he's networking the woman by her nature it's sorry now her eyes narrow in the energy towards the guest she's extremely sensitive to the fact that every single guest has his or her own needs individual personality and they're not just part of a collective experience and thus takes the energy and tries to narrow it in towards the guest so that the guest should receive what he or she needs as an individual she tries to focus her attention towards the person as an individual person listen to them and speak to them on that level and the maggot explains that this is true also on the spiritual level the root of masculinity and femininity and godliness talmud says famously that which means every blessing a blessing which does not mention god's name and god's royalty is not a blessing we say baruch hashem blessed are you god our lord the king of the world if a blessing doesn't mention god's name and doesn't mention god's royalty it doesn't constitute a blessing says the mazucha magic a blessing represents drawing down energy call bro shame represents masculinity malchus represents femininity shame represents god's transcendent name represents god being a leader in the world a king in the world in melan there's no king without a people a true leader must acquaint himself or herself must accommodate the people must acknowledge the presence of the people what makes you a leader is your relationship with the people and their character so therefore the market says if a bracha doesn't have shame and malchus a blessing like us it's not a blessing why nobody can contain it nobody can take it it must have the element of malchus femininity royalty leadership which is the ability to ishay now sorry about him it's the ability to narrow in the influence what we call symptom contract and limit the influence towards the guests and this is true in every person's life as well sometimes a person projects a person gives a person influences a person inspires but you're not really focusing on what the recipient needs when god creates the world he does not only generate an infinite flow of energy and light and inspiration and vitality that would be great he would he'll express himself but the world can't take it because we have finite parameters we have limited boundaries and therefore god engages in a process we call in kabbalistic literature symptom suspension of his infinity withdrawal of his infinite light creating a vacuum in an empty space where finiteness can emerge in other words god contracts and limits his infinity because he realizes if you want a relationship it's not about projection of self but it's also about suspension of self creating space for the other and these are the two components of masculinity and femininity and godliness shame and malchus one represents his ability to project infinitely and one represents his ability to create space for otherness and build a very limp directed relationship tailored towards the personality and the needs of the other by limiting yourself and lending an ear and a heart towards the other to be able to absorb them and generally speaking this is one of the unique qualities of femininity versus masculinity this says the magid is then the meaning of the talmud on a spiritual level the ability to be narrow and appreciate that which the guest actually requires have a wonderful evening [Music] you