Leah Richeimer | The Marriage Secrets Tour (5 Towns) | CHAZAQ

[Music] sh we want to welcome everyone to tonight's very special she this is the beginning of the marriage Secrets tour speaking tonight in the five towns right here in the white sh want to thank of course the white sh by finer and by newberger for hosting tonight's Shear for the white show we appreciate the office and and for hosting tonight's Shear um tomorrow is going to be in Lakewood in Queens on on Tuesday and then Muny on Wednesday I want to thank the people behind the scenes that people don't even realize um who who are instrumental in tonight's year there we have Moria free Dina Freeman Mala Shmo K menz SD mrai and KH Richmond who was put in tremendous efforts for tonight's cheer every all all deserve a round of applause please for tonight's efforts and before we introduce um the speaker tonight Mrs Le richheimer who's all the way from from Los Angeles for for for the for this year I want to give a quick word about the kazak organization which organizes events and sheer like tonight different communities to give to give inspiration and has a big focus on public school Outreach programs in 20 different locations to inspire the public school youth with a special division called public school yiva which has transferred over 1500 children from public school yiva since 2017 so if anyone knows anyone who has a child in public school maybe a relative a neighbor cooworker um who has children public school like to give them a Jewish Education please reach out to the kazak organization and um this Mrs richer she is the author of so many amazing books seven different books and um two of them are actually available for purchase after this year there is um there 21 days to an awesome marriage which is a new book hadot off the press and then there's an amazing book called marriage Secrets which is also an amazing book everyone should definitely pick up a copy not only for yourself and pick got one for your friend relative whatever it may be and she's very famous for her shom bias video podcast called the Ladies talk show she's the founder of the nonprofit organization called the marriage um Campaign which is dedicated to giving Aaliyah uh for every marriage and cl show and everyone please give us give welcome please to thank you oh I feel so far from everybody hold on SEC can well I guess I could see everybody hi everybody welome welcome thank oh should I talk into the thing you can hear me better if I do that oh it's going to drop what do I do here is that yeah okay that's is it better when I talk into the thing yeah okay good okay so first of all thank you very much for coming everybody um we're g to have so just I just want to let you know like wherever first of all you came out today tonight that by the time you go home you will in Merit hasem each and every one of you has the potential tonight to completely shift where you're holding in your shom bias to a whole to step up from there and go into down a new road okay and I'm going to teach you exactly how to do that so I want to start with a story actually you know I think I should hold this Robbie how do I how do I hold it because I want to go over here I want to get this down because you can't see play this fun game okay so sorry I messed you up you asked me does it have to have this who on it sorry technical whatever okay sorry I really you ask said do you want to walk around but I didn't actually think that it was going to hold me so much okay am I good you can okay so I want to start this is definitely not going to work for me okay does anyone want to unle this while the whole she sweetheart thank you very much okay I want to start with a story everybody ready okay so the governor of Texas is driving down the interstate right he's driving and his wife is there and he's been governor for quite some time but they never took a vacation so now they're on vacation and they're driving down the freeway whenever he runs out of gas he pulls off the freeway and he goes into a little you know uh he actually full he needed some oil so they went to a full service gas station out comes a guy and he walks around and he comes to the window and the governor puts in his order and his wife who had been talking animatedly and been you know all bubbly the whole vacation right they're driving across Texas the wife starts picking at her shoes and she's got her head down like this the entire time they're in the gas station so they get back on the freeway and the governor says to her let me ask you something you're so sweet for doing this thank can you hear you can hear and do it send multitasking okay so he said let me ask you something before we were married you were engaged someone else weren't you and she said yeah yeah right we talked about it and he said let me guess something else that guy who came and waited on us that was your former fiance wasn't it and she says wow spot on it absolutely was and the governor says let me ask you something else you're sitting there thinking oh my goodness if I had married that guy I'd now be the wife of a gasoline attendant in in the PO Texas right isn't that what you're thinking dear and she says no no actually that's not what I was thinking he said what were you thinking and she says I was thinking my goodness if I had married that man he would now be the governor of Texas okay so what I'm going to teach you tonight is look we're Yen right we're Jewish people the governor of Texas is a tiny fresh because the governor of Texas only the governor of protect us while he's alive we have the potential with our sholom BAS mission right we have the the the ability as a Jew to not only affect our husband's his world the world today where he is the physical world but also for eternity we're I'm going to teach you that one I was telling one of the ladies back here I said you know you've got you got the whole book right marriage Secrets it's 220 Torah sources how do you stand on one foot right and take and teach it in one hour but I want you guys to Boom to have the Mur so I have I figured out a way to do it it works you will know it by the by the time you leave here but the first thing I to I want to point out is very very critical because you you can pour all you want if you have a full GL mug of of tea and you keep pouring and pouring it's going to spill it's just going to spill out people can't hear what you're saying however if you show them and they pour it out themselves you can pour it in so I'm going to show you how to pour out these preconceived things and this is this what is the market near you guys what's the one everyone shops in what's it called Bingo I like Bingo that's cute okay Bingo okay you walk into Bingo right first woman you see you're like oh hi nice to meet you um do me a favor can you please tell me what is our Mur for shavas like oh uh you need candles you need Chillin you need Hala she'll talk to your for two hours right now you say okay fine fine what is our M for cachous say oh uh you you need milk and you need meat and this heer is terrible and this one's great two hours she'll talk to you now you ask her what is our M for shom she like there's a sing next ey I got to go and she will not know the answer to that question that is the single most important thing for her own happiness it's the single most important thing for her husband's happiness it's the single most important thing for their and am I right right hello right yeah yeah right that's the most important thing and we don't so the first question is like wow I tell this to wom I had spoke at ders there 600 St them and they you're right you're right what what how can this be so what we're trying to do is we we're on a mission to give our masora back to every single Jew in CRA I'm a full-time volunteer I in fact it costs me money to do this you know where our whole mission is to have get the Mur back so what what we the way we do that is we train coaches we give have a six Monon very brutal you know intense course and I hope some of you in this room will say that's for me I want to help I want to be part of the solution and that six-month course um uh it's it's a coaching you end up with a coach and you end up become oh thank you yay a round of applause y thank you okay so you end up with a whole um uh this is really kind of fun oh I can jump rope um so they have you you end up with a complete understanding of the Mur and then you teach it to others that's the only way we can do it I can't do it myself going around the world and teaching in the store one standing on one foot one time time one person at a time so um but now here's what I want to tell you is that if you are in the grocery store and again this is I'm giving you the footnotes now the cliff notes if you are in that store and some you what's her Mur for shalomay the answer is standing one foot the husband is the giver and the wife is the receiver okay we're going to go into a little bit of detail of that I'm going to go move very very quickly I hope you guys have your strap your seat belt time because we're going to move back quick so now I flew to Philadelphia um about a decade ago and I said Ral ketki the gone in the rosasa in Phil Philly and I said to him believe that the aod of our generation is shom BAS and I said Mrs richer what exactly is your source for this and I said I was kind of hoping that the rashash Shiva would be my source for this I I said people are chasing after modesty they're chasing chasing after Kad and addictions and and you know million and sne and lanara they we're chasing after all these things perhaps if we took care of shom Bas that that would solve all the other problems in C Anda said to me Mrs richheimer you need to teach this to as many women as possible one candle should light many candles and you guys are the candles okay so okay um I just want to start how let me tell you what's going to happen I'm going to give you the five parts of our Mur so B basically this one has this is Arts world book has came out with oh and this is this is my new book actually this is the say fair and this other one and I'm making no money all my royalties all of it is donated for help give people shom shom Bas uh education um oh well anyway that's that that one the marriage Secrets is 220 sources this is the workbook for that kind of you know and they both stand on their own feet however what I want to tell you is tonight I was thinking how can I get this in your head in one hour so I narrowed it down to the five sort who knows flowcharts what you know like this car you know what I'm saying like this subject I'm going to give you is covers all those eight subjects and this CH those four so that's what we're going to do tonight I'm going to start with something very very important which is to understand the lies in the secular world that we've been brainwashed for with myself included okay brain oh hi wow okay long time old prank okay um we're going to we're going to start with the four lies that um the secular world has brainwashed us with and then I'm going to give you the five things that you can walk home with okay so fine I'm going to start with a Lies by the way um you everybody has an index card so how this works is you have an index card to write a question on and we want everybody to write answer ask a question because at the end I'm going to take questions and if you let's say only one of you let's say you only you had a question right so you come up and I read the question then everybody in the whole room knows you're asking the question not good so what we do is we have everyone write a question if you do not have a question you just write Leia I don't like your shael or I love your your eyebrows whatever you know something like that okay so every everyone's going to turn and index card in that way we keep it that's actually from reiton T ketki sham R sh's wife who uh was I was very close with and she helped me with all these guidelines okay the four lies I'm going to start with the first lies the first lie and I I made it really easy for you I'm into these things like matches whatever so l i e s l is the first one and then you know each of them so you can remember them so the first lie is the LIE of later l a t e r the live later so in the secular World in every advertisement you've ever seen since the day of you were born right they try and get you to buy something by what by saying you're going to be happier later when you get the house you want when you get the car you want when your husband starts doing things your way when your kids do better in school later you're going to be happy so this is the LIE of later that runs our life we can never sort of be where we are when we're there we're always like that time is going to be better oh if I only did once this gets finished when this juo list gets finished then I'll be Satisfied to happen so the LIE of later guess what keeps us from savoring our lives and the main thing to understand is that as yiden we are exactly exactly where Hashem wants us right now like whatever you're dealing with whatever stuff you is annoying you right now or you're like oh I had to make it to this year but my son is this and that happened and I got this terrible email and whatever you know all of this stuff floats around it says y to not being able to let you be where you are when you are and when you're there and that is what it diminishes our satisfaction in life and the the the I'll just give you another standing on for concept which is that the way to slow your life down and the way to be able to savor your life and this is not Le Rich this is like K is to connect with people and it's almost the last thing we do because there's a balance between um connecting an in what's it called like one goes up and one goes down what's that called a an inverse relationship thank you okay I thought a inverse relationship between a connecting and accomplishing and in the secular world world we are so driven to accomplish that we don't we don't uh um we feel guilty almost connected guilty shmooing on the phone with somebody and that is what slows your life down just a side bit okay number uh the I not number letter i in lies okay the LIE of images so that you'll be happy when your life looks like a fairy tale we've all been brainwashed the night and shining armor is going to come whisking us off you know and we're then we're going to be happy so it's a lie of images of what you know riding off into the sunset like that's like the big thing every every secular thing ends with every movie every book every whatever they write on and finish they never talk about the next day when he's leaving his socks on the pillow and when he spilled something and he didn't put his dishes in the sink you know that isn't included so it's a lie of images of it should be perfect and I just have to say I worked for a couple of decades with single women and I could always tell within five minutes of talking with them whether they had read um uh romance novels you know secular novels you know these whatever why because their image of like marriage and what a husband and what they want in a husband or whatever was so warped by sort of brainwashed by these images that are put in their head and then they get a real guy who has his ups and downs and just like they had their ups and downs thank you you know but he's got his ups and he's got his good points and his bad points and they're like no no no not for me not for me so uh the live images okay number um uh letter e thank you not number letter e so um who organized this are you guys back you didn't hand out eggs to anybody right no eggs no there's no eggs no tomatoes nothing nothing's going to be thrown at me so I can go on speak okay the LIE the LIE of equality the LIE of equality for the last 50 years we have been told that equality in marriage is he better it is a it is broken it's bankrupt it's a total fail so what we're trying to do is we're trying to shift from a from the equality based marriage to a Torah based marriage that's what we're trying to make the shift and the LIE of equality is that your if your husband does the equal amount of work around the house that your decisions are made equally that you both Maat into the same amount of times that that that um what we have to understand as Jews if you chase equality you chase away Shalom there's something far more powerful than equality and that is a level of connection that is available by following the Torah guidelines for marriage which I'm going to give into and I'm going to give you all them and you're going to first and then you're like oh that sounds like that would work oh W hm and then people who've been heard me or watched the ladies talk show or read the book whatever they're like it's it's it's mindboggling it actually works and so I'm you know we are going I'm going to teach you stuff and I'm going to teach you stuff and you're going to say hm you know I really think that uh you know that's the right thing to do what you saying why should I you know what I'm going to show you tonight is that the right the way the Torah based um uh marriage the way that Hashem design it is all to your benefit okay you we'll see we'll go as we get into okay the last thing I want to talk about is s which is the last thing is the LIE of stuff the getting you getting what that get sorry that getting will make you happy okay the LIE of stuff only giving makes us happy getting material stuff your husband doing things for you getting your way when we when when all of us first got engaged we wanted what what can I do for you dear can I make you cookies can I make you dinner can I blah blah blah blah right and then after we're married three months can you give me this and why aren't you doing that for me and you know it's looking to get and when you have a husband trying to get from his wife and a wife trying to get from his husband from the husband you end up with a get okay that's a joke okay so now here's the thing I want to just I want to prove this to you so who likes to shop for clothes okay fine okay what what's your favorite color blue blue and sorry what's your name dor d'vorah okay so d'vorah you're walking down the street and you're just mosing along excuse me you see this this sign whatever and in the window you said it was blue yep a blue moh hair sweater absolutely gorgeous like it feels like Silk but it's actually moh hair and it's got I don't know I'm making this up maybe I'm totally out of style don't tell on me okay anyway it's got pearls around the thing and it's got a neck thing what you look at this is the most gorgeous sweater in the whole world you go in and you and you're standing there and the the lady says oh yeah you can try it and she takes it off the mannequin and she puts it on you and you look in the mirror and you just like okay who's going home with me I don't care how much is it and she says oh it's on sale for $4,800 you carefully gingerly you take it off and you hand it back to her fine every day you're walking back and forth you go to the grocery you see the shop it's still hanging in the window all this time finally a month later you see a big sign saying huge blowout sale come in you're like uh and it's not the window anymore and so you go around and you go inside and you look and you look and no it's not there it's not there finally on the last rack on the last place you see it there and it's got a price tag on it and it's $34 you are could followed Beyond Beyond you can't even believe it you put it on and you just feel like a million dollars and you come outside of the thing right and you're sitting there you're waiting for Uber to go home or a friend is picking you up or whatever and on the Park Bench there is a a lady who's wearing you know it's middle winter she's wearing a summer dress with no shoes and next to her is a little girl who's shivering like this she's Frozen her F to her toes and there you are standing with your new sweater you got that sweater and you put it on her and she looks up with you and she jumps off the bench the park bench and she grabs your leg and she's crying in tears or streaming down her face and she's saying thank you thank you so much so the question then your friend comes and drives you away the question is is getting that sweater which PL pleasure is going to last you the rest of your life that little girl's hug when you gave or the getting that sweer in the first place so this is a shift we want to take in terms of understanding the whole world is trying to get us to get I want to get this and I need that and IAH blah and where the uh the Eternal spiritual growth is and where our satisfaction in life comes from is in giving okay all right let's start with whoa let's start with a five things okay so okay so I actually have I like cute things because they're easier to remember and I want you guys to be able to when leave here tonight I want you to have a um sorry I want you to have an understanding of the um I want you be able to stand on and be able to expain oh I need somebody here a okay here we go okay this is we're going to start I'm going to give you the can you hear me I'm going to give you the five things that um will bring the go okay and and I'll start with actually a story uh quick story so when when um I was very close as I mentioned with rbson tamy ketki who's R's uh wife I all show she's about a year and a half ago um but anyway I taught a class in her house um and I did half of it I taught the the mission for you know that we were on for shom to get every person to know what the shom m is and the other part I taught on marriage and at the end can I borrow your hands just put your hands like this so at the end she goes like this and she tooks takes both my hands like this and she looks me in the eyes she such a hold lady she me eye and she says Leia you realize that your mission for Sha is is going to bring the Goa you realize that don't you and I said oh how that's she said no no no you don't understand your mission for sha Bas is going to bring the G amen amen so I'm going to teach you now that see I made it easy for you to remember G so if you're thinking what's her what's her sh bias stor again you know somebody stops you at being you know someone stops you why is it doing that where's Robbie okay hello love love okay when when um you can just remember it's G so I'm going to start with the first one being grateful and there different than maybe what you might have heard in the past so Rao gives over that all comes from sh through the husband and to the wife that means that all braa every braa in your life your beautiful furry coat and your orange sweater and your um oh what's that nice pretty pin that pin everything that you own and everything that you have is from your husband so I went to to Asher in in erell he was actually in LA and I met with him and I said I said a woman can wake up and she's doing vzas all day she's bringing her kids to school she's you know go uh doing H get making food for a sick lady up the street you're and he's the bro is from him and he he said our m is that what all the Mitzvah and everything a woman does goes up to shmay but she can't access it unless it's through her husband that all brothera is sourced through her husband now the the the bad news is it's like wait that's not fair okay if we're looking to be fair right that's the bad news the good news is now that you know how the spiritual World works this is Richer's idea this is K okay now that you know how the spiritual World works it gives you access to bring more braa into your home that's the good news right okay so for grateful you have to know since Adam Anda walk the face of the Earth back way back when okay Hashem has created a has created Braha for you like it's since since it turn Hashem has created a certain amount of BR you guys have Costco here or Target Costco is like huge right like yeah okay so if you can visualize standing in Costco and then multiply it by like five or 10 that's the amount of bra that Hashem has for you it mean and by bra means parasa it means ra it means your kid does well in school it means that you know untenable situation and you can't forgive someone and they can apologize you know all the things that you would want in your home all the things you'd want in your life that braa is brought over from that that is available to you and that was created since Adam Anda lived in so how do you access that BR that's what I'm going to tell you right now now we're going to double the price of the admission to the thing it's pretty good okay so one of my students Sarah said that she worked two jobs and managed the household and kids she ran everything her husband had been out of worked for 2 years and I told her that all braa comes from her husband and she's like that's for everybody else ain't for me I said I'm telling you right now the all the the that you have a job that you have two jobs and that your kids are have a school to go to and that you have the clothes that you have to wear even though he pays for everything and so forth right that's all from the braa from your husband there's no other interpretation you guys looked at the S I've got the sources in here in the footnotes if you look at the you're like yeah there's really no alternative thing they this is crazy but here's what the understanding of that simple truth allows a woman to do when Sarah truly internalized this deep truth she started treating her husband with more respect right because he was the one who gave her all the BR her attitude her whole attitude shifted towards her husband instead of thinking he's a good for nothing bum he's just sit on the couch and pretends to look for a job it's like oh all the bras she started treating him with respect and this is a very true story after his 2 years of unemployment when she made this shift I think it was within four months I I got the email in four months so maybe it happened at 3 months I don't know but it said that that her um oh yeah and then I'll give you the action step that her husband got a job and he got a very good job um he had been uh well maybe it's not important I'm afraid of might say something that divulges who she is but anyway uh so the point is that when a woman makes that shift in her own mind and that is what can alter the whole amount of Braha that comes into your home and all the Costco braa can come to your home and what the the action step for being grateful is thanking your husband 10 times more than you currently are that's it it's super e easy ladies and if you talk to people who who' taken classes with me they're like yeah okay Le M fine fine and then they go do it and they're like oh wow like the closeness that's available in that in the marriage relationship when the wife understands this deep truth okay um okay the way a woman gives to her husband is by receiving from him that's an important side point okay let me go to the next one okay so you're thanking the the action step ungrateful is thanking your husband 10 times more okay ready for the next one tell me when I got the I can't see what I'm doing it has the e what does it say can remember what I'm saying okay empowerment okay empowerment so the what we have to think about is that for the last 50 years women have been sold a bill of goods and that is that we need control of course you want control like why wouldn't you want control contr like you know the the every movie every social media everything is like we should be in control of everything we should control our kids we should control our husband we should control our staff we should control our our home and what's going on in our home you know control seems the ultimate uh quality that a person should have and the bill of goods that we've been sold we've been sold that we need control and women need something far far more important and that is connection and closeness and the only way to get connection and closeness is to give up control so you guys are a capable Bunch right I'm sure all everybody here can like if I if I were to tell any of you you got 10 guests for Shas sorry they're coming you know the CH whatever you guys we we're so thect we're so good at running our lives that it's very hard to to think like how can I give them control but here's the thing if you the the the source I'm going take time to but the source basically is this that the braa from comes from the um Ming so let's say for instance what what's a good car and what's a bad car what's a good car I I don't know cars whatever I I know carburetor I know the word I don't know what it is but who what like a a Prius right that gets good mileage good gas mileage yeah no I don't know no one knows it's so funny okay go ask the guys out there okay but the um so let's say you bought you have a Prius right it's got great Gras mileage and then you have an escort and that's also an electric car just pretend it is okay so you go to this your husband wants to buy the esort you're like uh excuse me dear you know like that I looked on Google and it said that the Prius has much better gas Mage it's got a much better track record got this he goes yeah but I want to escort and you're like we're not getting an escort I'm sorry you know it's ridiculous so here's what happens if the woman grabs control from her husband right he's the captain of the ship but now she's like elbowing him away okay and now she's taking over and she's driving the ship right if she does that the they will buy the Prius because she's going to put her foot down and take control and they'll buy the Prius it'll be the first lemon Prius on the history of the unit United States whatever if on the other hand she M and lets him have control and he decide they decide to buy the escort which is a wrong literally it's the wrong decision don't sue me escort I don't know what I'm I don't I'm just making using it as an example but it will be that escort will be the first escort to go 400,000 miles why because braa follows Shalom so for this one for empowerment it means recognizing that there's so many things we want to have control very very you know we're we're you know must me included you know we want to have control and the moment you give up that control so the homework for this one is let go just say okay well you want to buy the escort fine okay so that's that's um empowering okay the next one is you understanding so understanding is understanding your own needs this is not understanding your husband that's lovely but that's not the core value we want I want to teach tonight if I were to say let's say I took notebooks and I handed out these big what are those ones with the chemistry you know those big five what are they called five yeah five star yeah those big fat things and I handed every one of the everybody got one pink colored purple whatever you like okay and I ended up and I said okay now got ladies write down what you want everything you want like everything yeah everything you'd write down I want new shael I want my husband to stop putting me down in front of my mother-in-law I want you know a new couch I want you know what you you would basically fill the entire book and you come back and say um Mrs rich is okay can I have another notebook okay that's how it wants okay now if I took a index card someone hold up an index card little yeah okay little hold the way up a little index card and said okay ladies all I want you to do is write me down what your needs are just what you what you need and you'll be like um um Leia can I do this for homework later and You' never do it so the question is a lot of women come to me say Le well my husband just doesn't meet my needs and I'm like can I ask you a question I'm like yeah I'm like do you know what your needs are like how do we expect our husband to meet our needs when we ourselves don't know what they are so here's the thing here's the powerful powerful thing is that if you can get clear Clarity on your own needs right right now we treat our husbands like a vending machine you want him to you know bring you flowers and you want him and he didn't say the right thing to the kids and he did you know you're just like throwing throwing and throwing more than me too hello thank you you know you're throwing more and more demands on him because you you've got your needs and your wants all completely conflated is that the right wordo what what's what's the word what confounding confounding intertwined whatever they're just mushed on top of each other right so they're mushed on top of each other and so you don't know what you want so you demand your wants and needs and here's the beauty of doing this exercise if you gain Clarity on what your needs are your ability to get those needs met has just increased by 10,000% so the work to do this to understand your own needs is get that Notebook write down everything all your wants and needs because right now they're jumble in your head in all of our heads you know they just call a mush together you write them down write them down write them down you make make 10 pages of wants and needs and then you go through and say you know what now you're going to differentiate which ones are your needs which ones are your wants and you s you know I know I want a trip to the Bahamas but that's unrealistic and it's going to cost a lot of money it means I won't be able to get the new dishwasher I want okay you cross that one off and you go through and you're Crossing off and Crossing off and things that are real de deep need I'll give you an example I had a woman who wanted chers flowers from her husband she was very annoyed cuz sometimes he'd bring him but so many times for off you know and she would she would go into shabas with this anger at him and this annoyance and like whatever and when she did this exercise she's like you know why I want chabas flowers cuz all of my sisters-in-law get them what I really need is my husband she she was a nervous you know she had um is that a panic disorder whatever a mild panic disorder whatever she would get all worked up and nervous and she'd call her husband she says I'm at work I can't do anything for you you know and this would hurt her deeply so what she said to him I'll tell you what I will never ask you for shabas flowers anymore but the once a month or every other month when I'm having a anxiety day you drop whatever you're doing and answer the phone and talk to me he agreed he was like and I don't have to bring flowers anymore like I don't have to go to the other you know stopping right before sh you're not going to be mad at me every sh it's like Hello this has been going on for 10 years so once a woman understands what her needs are she can actually get the Met okay very good okay the next one is loyal how do I do this did it show loyal okay good okay loyalty makes our husband trust us and feel safe with us like nothing else we can do I'll give you examples of loyalty so don't worry loyalty will endear your husband to you more than anything so I want to start actually with a quiz Okay who wants who wants to take a little quiz it's not embarrassing maybe I know I don't think okay good okay so here's the thing your husband is a terrible driver okay he just he doesn't drive well he's always all weaving over the street but even as bad a driver as he is he's a worst Parker so like he'll park on the street he'll be like three feet from the thing his car will be sticking up there you know the head the bumper the whatever he just e can't park he go and he never gets it right okay you come home and your husband's car obviously is parked like the the front of the car is like sticking out into the street and you you see on the back thing somebody had taken their finger and uh scratched into the dust on the back of the car it says learn to park you idiot the quiz is what do you do WIP it out you wipe it out W she already won W yeah see I would say you know you post it on the family chat that's the first thing I would no but the issue is that that why explain to me why would you wipe it out you've been fighting him for for 10 years you've been on his case about it and finally someone agreed with you and there it was right there OT you at least I would write out idiot what do you think ladies what's the right thing to do huh it's not nice it's not nice but now finally some what' you say it's valid it's not nice it's not I know it's embarrassing it's not it's validating but not nice like the loyalty card like you could say it but somebody else can't call that it's like a joke about your mother but nobody else can say except for you yeah that's right did you hear can you hear in joke about your mom no one else can say but you right so the issue oh yeah go ahead okay so I think what I would do is I would call my husband and show him and then I would say you believe how nervy people are and how dare they do this to you because otherwise how's he going to know that you were being being loyal oh that's interesting interesting if you erase it okay so you know you erased it but he wouldn't know interesting okay that's interesting okay I'm G to give you another one okay we're going have a quiz on a quiz I'm gonna not going to answer that one for us okay so your husband chooses this mouth who who's doing this please who wants to do it hello hello hello some you okay no no no no yeah okay okay fine okay so your husband he he sits there goes and you 10 years you've been like can you please I don't want to see your tonsils while you're eating please you now you're a family Sia right both that the parents are under the aunts and uncles you're at this big huge table everybody's there and he's he's eating like this and you the anunt across the table from him says whatever your husband's saying no let's not use your the fake fictitious PL okay turns to your husband says Pony that is disgusting that's so gross you got to close your you're see yes you know somebody finally like hello maybe he'll finally get the message so what do you do not this not this okay good good we're learning okay good that would be for him it's not nice to be called out on a bad habit right so does anyone in the house have anything anything they need say any what else would her voice is disgusting her voice is disgusting a family part and everybody leaves what did you say oh a physical fight and then there's a family fight everybody yeah that's really a lot shom there you go thank you right so the issue is for of both of these cases is loyalty means doing something that is potentially so against what you already like the mission that you're on on this mission to get him to drive better you get on this mission to get him to close his mouth by the way the hack for if your husband choose with his mouth open sit on the same side of the table you know just like sit like next to each other instead of across from each other just just got to say the sh answer to that but anyway but the point is that you have a um uh this level look loyalty is a oldfashioned word it's an oldfashioned concept it used to be like thought of you know very very highly in the world now it's like you know your boss has did something to stand up for what he believes in right you're like oh I'm not agreeing with him because I'll get fired right but it used to be in the old days he'd be like I'm going down with a ship he he's been good to me for 10 years I'm going down with a ship and loyalty is posish anymore it's like thrown out the window and I'm just telling you right now if you want the quickest way to bond with your husband you erase the letters you never tell him you hold it as your gift that you gave your husband that he'll never know about and for the chewing the mouth open you say something to your oh no no no excuse me um I actually asked my husband to please chew with his mouth as a wide as possible because I like to see how much he eats and that he masticates well on his food you know what I'm saying this is how this is loyalty now look you don't crazy but I'm just saying okay fine um you look familiar do do I know you okay you look like somebody who I no no they're right behind you I said oh my gosh is this somebody who no yeah it's not you okay I just said oh because if it was her she should made me sit for my kids and I was like that she would be so rude if I didn't say hello so I'd rather embarrass you and turn your sorry sorry about that yeah maybe I don't know okay so fine okay so that was loyal loyalty so here's the thing about loyalty I'm just going to give you a couple of examples and again I'm spending a little longer on this one because it's the most important your daughter said daddy still hasn't fixed the light bulb in my closet disloyal would say I know same thing with fixing the front door the the the loyal thing to say would be barem he works so hard for us and is tired at night disloyal your cooworker says my husband leaves bags of chips all over the house and you say yeah disloyal would be my husband leavs half eaten food on the counter that's disloyal loyalty would be oh that must be frustrating and guess what by doing that you're also St stopping her from saying thinking you're an address to bring Lan Hara okay next one your mother says your husband should help you get the kids to bed disloyalty was that I know and I also wish he'd help in the kitchen loyal was mom please don't put my H husband down end of story showing loyalty praise your husband to your kids constantly you cannot overdo it I have a lot of parents you know the husband say something harsh right cuz that's what any men know he's back there good okay they're just harsh right so the kid like you know uh takes a potato off his kid's you know plate and the father's like get get to bed go to bed that without supper you know the punishment doesn't fit the crime deer and so the wife chimes in and she says she says no no no it's okay it's okay you can eat deer it's you know that's not such a big deal let him let him finish the potato you know so but here's the issue then what what have they done they have completely made made their husband they've taken his complete Authority away and when the kids become teenagers they're all over the place cuz there's no father there they've already she's she's thrown them in in the lake so this loyalty goes very very deep in terms of your husband the answer to that is if he says go to bed for eating the potato whatever right let him go to bed worst things going to happen you're sticking by your husband shom your child thinks seeing that will make him H um give him it's better that your your son or your CH children learn that kind of um uh that the parents are one unit then the right thing happens or the wrong thing happens they'll they can survive anything but parenting but not parents being in Discord and not having shom they can't really they can survive but I'm just saying they do a lot better if they're sh so if there's ever a question in your mind should I fight it should I not fight it should I just let go should I moat should I whatever just let go because that if they have that they've got a lesson for life that they can't get in any other way okay good um defend your husband if anyone ever says anything negative about him never raise your voice to your husband make sure your husband knows that you have his back at all times always make him feel like he's the most important person in the room okay let's go to the next one again we're spelling this is the go this is how we're going to bring the go ladies okay okay okay attentive so um so so okay I'm going to start with it the issue about attentive is kind of like um you guys all know that you have n women had nine10 of speech you heard that before women have n so if you use it all on your husband you kill the poor guy okay so get friends get sisters get on the phone with your friends but here's the thing the thing that is missing in marriages and relationships n today is the wife doesn't really listen to the husband you know it's like the the husband comes home and the wife just talks to the you know she talks and talks and he said what's new dear fine you know how how is your day fine what's new nothing how was the meeting with your boss good you know that's it and then he's it's on to what you have to share okay and women do not realize how crucial listening to their husband is so I'll tell you a story this uh one of my students um so we I had a whole thing they had to go home and listen to their husband for 15 minutes 15 15 not 50 but whatever 155 so it's Tuesday night the class was Wednesday night and she's sitting there trying to decide you know uh if I come tomorrow Le will call on me and I'll be embarrassed okay so fine so I'm going to do the homework so she sees her husband in the in the living room and she goes and she sits down on the couch and she starts you know she asks him questions this is the key this is the action step for this is asking your husband questions okay so she asked her husband questions you know she started discussing with him what's going on fine he ends up right talking for 1 hour and 15 minutes about his work politics and the guys an accountant okay she said it was so boring she had to bite the inside of her cheek to stay awake and she was there to listen oh yes and then what did he say and then and he's talking about July is they do this inventory then and they little whatever and she's just like please so she stands up after an hour and 15 minutes and she's really mad because she had a lot of emails to do the dishes are still coagulating on the counter and she's like that was a total waste of time and she goes into the kitchen and they come went to Costco right and they had bought like these four cases of water bottles that had been sitting on the count next to the counter and she kept tripping them and she kept nagging him and nagging him for literally two or three weeks this had been going on she walks into the kitchen the water bottles are brought back to the garage she couldn't believe her eyes and then she went to the bathroom ladies this is a true story he had changed the toilet paper roll it's a true story story it's a true so the key is the key is listening and the key to listening is asking questions okay last thing I'm going to cover um and then I'm going to give you some we're going to do a raffle and we're going to do um a review okay so communication so the first thing with um with uh communication I just I'm going to give you a briefly I I cover this extensively in here because that was the biggest question that I got from women is is how to get your husband to believe you or to hear you or to listen to you how do you communicate for results so I'm going to give you this kind of a standing on one foot version but in case you don't have get the book or whatever I still want you to have these tools which is the tool is called hot HT and the first thing is H and H is how you say it makes all the difference in the world it's to plan well how you are going to how are you going to say it to your husband and that might take a lot of time if your husband is driving crazy and you know parking crazy and he said why are you parking C you need to learn you whatever good luck with that right how how's that working for you right but if you were to say to your husband you know you think about how do I get him to do it h maybe if I you know pay for a driver's ed class no that would insult him maybe I'll um uh I'll I'll uh after he pars I'll say can I have the keys I'll rep park for you no he'll be insulted with that maybe I'll tell him that when um he Parks crazy like that we but twice now someone has clipped his mirror and we've had to pay like $300 one time and $200 another time I love this group they're all having a great time over there adorable so so the issue is that if you if you um you think about how to say it you can really be effective if if you're in the middle of a fight you're fighting no I told you that we'd be at 8:00 and it's 7:30 you're having this fight right is there anything productive ever ever going to come out of that conversation hope so you hope so zero zero Chance is going to but if he let's say he does come at at 8:00 instead of 7:30 and you're upset about it right you can actually have a um impact on on him by saying by saying okay I'm not going to say anything now good to see you you know even though your Steam and the the burn dinner the black dinner is sitting there and whatever cuz he he he came home at the wrong time now think about how you're going to say it and how you're going to say it you say okay we're both well fed we're both well rested good luck with finding that a time like that but anyway you're going to have a good time and find a good time and then you're going to say you know maybe make a journal 10 different things you could say and then pick the best one and say you know I know that for you it's very frustrating because you didn't have a choice your boss kept you exra half an hour but from my standpoint I had dinner burning and I I gone to three different shops to get chopped liver and whatever what did they get the shw I went to this Market I went over here I went to Bingo and I went to all these different shops and then it's black you know and then you give the problem to him and you say what do you think we can do about this in the future and I say well you shouldn't you know you shouldn't start dinner until I I'm on my way or until I'm home I'm like then you're starving for 45 minutes that's not a good idea you hand the problem to them again what do you think we can do to solve it you know and eventually hopefully you'll come up with something like you know I'll I'll give you a text when I'm on my way or something like that so a lot of problems in marriage can be solved by how you say it the next one is oh outcome the outcome you're looking for so if you're looking for an outcome of of having a um what's the word I'm looking for um you know in this in let's take this example or whatever of of him coming home on time that that's the outcome you want why because you want to have a lovely time with him if you understand the outcome if you want if the outcome you're looking for is to make them feel badly for not coming you you have to think about and write journals or write down what is the outcome you're looking for maybe the outcome you're looking for is just that he calls you and gives you more you want better communication so having a de again I'm giving you such a this is a complicated one outcome I'm giving you a a shorthand but the rest is is covered in there by the way I also have 300 ladies talk shows which um you can watch for free there's 300 of them and we talk a lot about communication and they're they're fine I do a lot of interviews with with the various people okay that's a and then T is timing this everyone knows everyone knows this but nobody follows it which is timing is when you tell it yours if in In the Heat of battle if you start talking to your husband zero chance of success whereas if you just bite your tongue where's my duct tape you know put the you put the duct tape on and you don't say anything um and you think about what is the the uh best time to say this and that's might be after shabas meal he's well fed he's well rested he's you know whatever if he's just coming back from a vacation a a business trip or something like that I wouldn't hit him with the steps so that's the last thing is timing okay the the most important message I want to give tonight is right now we are probably the most frenzied generation since time began we don't just do one thing anymore we don't give the kids a bath and give while we're giving them a bath we're emailing somebody a babysitter for Satur might say shads we're ordering groceries we're getting you know we're telling our sister-in-law what time are you going to be at the at the show you know we don't do one thing at a time the secret to the ultimate closeness and Chen bias with your husband is to make him the absolute priority in your life you will gain so much from this this isn't like you should do this to be a goodie twoes but if you make your husband your absolute priority he will cherish you and adore you and do on you more than you can ever imagine [Music] possible okay making your husband your number one priority of your life and what that means is if you have to go you know you're picking up his uh his shirts from the cleaner and at the same time you're picking up his um you your kid needs shoes fixed at the cobbler whatever how say we huh shoem maker thank you okay so fine was sister and I have a whole thing about cobbler um anyway so you you um right you have to bring the shoes in and you have to do the husband right and in order to do the husband's dry cleaning you have to take a left and a left and a left and you wait in line in lights whereas if you went and dropped at the shoe maker first and then it would be easier make it your priority to do it for your husband first why you'll know you'll know when you're setting the table set your husband's place first this is making him feel in your eyes he'll never know there he comes to the table they're all set he will not know but there's a level of of umus and a level of closeness that comes from making him your priority so let's go over them again the um the first one is I am grateful I am empowering I am understanding I am loyal I am attentive that's the GAA let me tell you about the contest we're doing the contest is we so here so here is um here's what I the main purpose for my coming here is to find we are desperately desperately in need of sh bias teachers in clell we need people who take this on I promise you I will train you so you'll be bulletproof there's no question that can come to you we're going to do questions after this so you can write them on an index card but um I just want to break here to explain how important this is we need people to train we we actually do you want to quickly stand up and just say a little bit about the training she's one of my coach traines yeah yeah yeah sorry I didn't give her any warning not the camera oh yeah okay so good you can say from there just say talk loud I didn't give you any warning I'm sorry I'll because okay so I just took the training and it's so like you know the dream life you all like have everyone of us have the dream life this is it you have all the tools and everything so it's worth it it's worth shance wow thank you very much thanks so much okay so basically it's a six Monon course it's six hours a week it's very intense it's a PhD in a Mur and after the six months right and you don't have to have a perfect marriage to do it right everybody grow is on a growth curve or whatever as long as you're growing we're good and the six-month course you will know the Mur like the back of your hand like no joke you will know it and the guarantee every one of my coaches I've changed trained at 90 but 60 actually P Pastor something like that no I trained 80 I don't know whatever I'm B in numbers instances but anyway I right now I have 61 coaches but every one of them will tell you their marriage is better than they ever hoped in their wildest dreams of having because why God created us and he taught us what to do and how to have the best marriage so it that but we but mostly we need we're desperately seeing if you you even thinking about it send you got this this card send in a thing uh where it says become a coach and just say I'd like more information the other thing is on the back of this uh card it says try a coach so if you're having issues in sh bias I have 61 women who are know the Mur like the back of their hand and they usually the first session is free and you can meet with them we' started this hot we're starting this hotline is just brand new you guys in the first week to hear about it um and uh so that's so what we're doing is if anybody wants I have a course called 21 days uh this is 21 days to an awesome marriage this book is for sale out there it's $20 there's marriage secrets that's $21 the hardcore this is kind of like the safeair and this is kind of the workbook okay and both both of them can be independent or they can you can do both of them and you will get just get more um and what we're doing is there's also 21 days to an awesome marriage that is a video series it's 21 uh 5 minute lectures that come to you it's $100 um on the website but if you hand out 21 bookmarks so you carry them in your purse it's the lady next to you in the grocery store or your neighbor whatever and you just say I think you like this you like these books they're really neat or I heard this lady speak it's good or L you know go watch the ladies talk show it's free you hand out 21 you get what did you say if you hand out 21 of them and you get the that that course for free so we're just doing this trying to get again our whole mission you know the you know shabas right and you know kasas you look hello but most people in in fly do not know Shas M so we want to get everybody aware that oh yeah I don't I need to learn it I I don't care don't buy my books I don't make money on them anyway buy any book any Torah book on chelas that we're trying to get the Mur back into krael um so we're going to do questions now so first of all if you see you've got this beige form the beige form you filling out the beige form of what you put your email address on there and you put what of the things you check off what you might be interested in and then hand them in and then you guys can you guys get to come up and pick a prize we've got tote bags we've got cups we've got little little coin purses and we've got uh keychain so you're going to hand those in I actually need to volunteer somebody to collect them yeah oh thanks a lot thanks sweetheart okay so fine so you're you're right now everybody's filling out the beige form and filling out an index card and listen to me any question you have on Shas I will answer but doing this for three decades I've written seven books and I'm really happy to have you guys here thank you very much for listening and and and if yeah what' you say oh where's the pens oh we got more pens who needs a pen raise your hand everyone oh everyone okay okay can somebody else help her here give her give her a stack to okay okay so you're filling out your email address and what of those items the blue the blue form you guys get to take home cuz afterwards when you when it starts sinking in and you thank your hasb been for three things and he Brides you flowers which he hasn't done in 20 years you will want to do more and then you'll have a blue form that tells you and you guys can write your questions also when you finish writing your question on the index card please fold it in half so that it's Anonymous yeah I there a comment or a question and then and then um going to call you s Dina is going to be coming around so if you have your index card ready you can just fold it in half so that it's private want to the you want do you want to call the names of the ra okay good thanks don't havea you don't have email um phone number what's oh yeah what's that yeah that's good perfect you know write down what's that Happ number that's right Gina make sure the index cards are folded in half so it sneeze um which which ones are free I think most everything is free except the coaching program cost money and what else and oh yeah the video yeah the video uh 21 days froma marriage and then there's the emotional intimacy um go uh Summit no um oh it is another um uh that no that's that's a that's a whole series that's for seminaries and groups of people that's but the there's 300 talk shows there's 300 ladies talk shows on on tour [Music] anytime okay let's get started with the questions or should we do the raffle first did everyone turn in the pink the white the beige what color is that that's not beige what is it it's beige yeah the beige form so we'll be the the okay I'm going to do questions now maybe I'll start with the questions we'll do the raffle as people filling it out okay fine okay fine okay I'm going start if you think if you think of another question while I'm answering another question just raise your hand and Dina will bring you a an index card oh thank you okay how so the first question is how do we ask questions to be attentive if uh our husband just wants peace and quiet it's a good question it's a good question so um I would actually sell them on the idea I would actually say you know um I I'm I you know I went to a Shear or I heard oh thank you I went to a Shear I heard something and I like to you know it said that that husbands are that it's a sad thing that's happened in in history that husbands aren't listen to anymore and so our homework is to listen to you so I know you love peace and quiet but maybe he likes peace and quiet because you can for 20 years no insult that's a woman's way you know right so um if he wants peace and quiet I I would I would actually make a pitch to him and I would say let's try it you know and and he'll say like what and and and get a notebook and write down when my husband comes home tonight here are 10 questions I'm going to have in my back pocket that I can ask them you know you can kind of look at it under the table if you forget what they are but you know like think use this opportunity to be closer to your husband is it yeah yeah you want to write it here on the hand or index yeah write it so that so we're not saying anything about your husband okay okay um you want to collect the white V things and we'll do the raffle I think there's some over there some ladies are there okay I have I have too many questions but think by the way uh if you join the coaching class thank you very much if you join the coaching class um the whole thing is questions everyone gets their questions answers it's about right right and where are you oh she's where's hi okay I don't know where she went let me put this down so that we I can see you guys okay um I have too many questions the thing I want to say oh thank you your talk show for about 2 years now and I cannot thank you enough a thank you one question I'll ask how do I get my husband's needs met when it feels like it is impossible to do it all interesting so how do it is a beautiful thing oh it's getting your husband's needs met is a fine art fine excuse me I should say fine Lost Art people are so busy and frenzied here's one thing I want you to know there is no Source in the Torah that says we spend eternity with our children there's no Source I mean if you guys find one send it to me but I've been looking for 10 years never found a source that we spend eternity with our children but there are many sources that say we spend eternity with our husband and yet people spend most of their time doing what running after the kids because they've got bigger mouths and they use them and the key to understand is that after 120 where our measure is going to be is how we took care of our husbands so yeah so the answer to this question about meeting your husband's needs it's it's a nooda it's work figuring out what it is asking him saying you know when we first got married you said you wanted me you like different food every night and whatever and you know I got so wrapped up in the kids and whatever we have spaghetti on Monday Pizza on Tuesday is that still a need of yours or did you gave it up because I gave it up and he said no actually I would like it you're like okay I don't know that I can do it so what are we going to do so you say listen I hear I'm glad you told me I really really wanted to know and I will tell you I'm going to keep the same routine we have but on Wednesday nights I'm going to make you something special that all of us could probably do and shift but it's it's really recognizing and asking what are your needs how are your reads needs going thank you for these compliments mean a lot to me I guess I asked for it what say go out an index card anyway okay my husband is wonderful but I am having a hard time when it comes to finances because he avoids the topic and it it it it's it's never a good time for him to discuss budgeting saving what do you advise so very very challenging um the thing that's not said here is is his negligence of the area causing financial problems in your marriage um so let's just say it is because I I don't want to out whoever wrote this thing um any one of us could have written it because this is a typical issue um so let's say his lack of focusing on it is because he he you know it's causing a lot of problems in the marriage or the finances the lights are getting shut down and everything like that if that if this is the case then what you need to do is you need to pull him aside and remember we talked about the hot how to say it the outcome you're looking for in the timing so you need to write down a list of things you could what is the nicest thing you could say about this how can you approach it if you if you were a a the Chief Executive Officer of a company and the head the CFO the chief financial financial officer was not paying attention to it right and you knew if you said you're never paying attention to it why don't you do right right you get the board of directors would throw you out on your on your on your head right so anyway if you know so how would you approach your husband if he was the CFO of the company you'd say you know I'm not quite sure what to do the lights keep going out out you know you youd make a big plan if that if you tried everything and nothing's working it might be time to speak to a third party you know either go to a therapist or Ritson you have to be very very careful because if you go to his Rabbi he'll be to terribly embarrassed and that's a lack of loyalty so it could be that you ask a shilot to somebody from another town you know get another R and say what should I do about this and try and get AES from a Ritson or Rabbi from another town not an easy problem but again if you haven't tried everything to do it the nice way then you haven't done your job yet you know what I'm saying like nagging him and fetching how's that working for you right not not not so great okay um when giving Over Control when is it okay to push for what you want brilliant question so I you asked this question right you're supposed to follow your husband's will right excuse me Leia what about Sarah AMU right she she pushed ishmail out right and what about Rifka she made him wear the thing and go into the into her to yakob right so wait a minute I thought you supposed to follow your husband's will and let him have control where does that fit in so I asked a a big rub that question like hello and the answer was she listened to her husband 10,000 times and then did one thing where she wasn't listening to him it's not like that was defined their relationship What defined the relationship is she maed and she listened to the will of her husband and followed the control of her husband so just to answer get the doubt out of your mind so that you'll understand so for this when you give up control here's what happens and this is a gamarra when you a wife gives up control the husband will bend his ear and listen to the wife so what happens is if you are if all the time you're fighting for control the husband needs control Like Oxygen you're fighting and you're fighting and you're fighting right he fights back and fights back fights back if you give him control you know it says you want the escort or the the Prius thank you somebody was listening even me wasn't listening yeah so do you want the Prius or the or the escort and he'll ask you your opinion because you gave up control it's this is a miracle thing I know you guys might be listening like I okay I whatever you say then you go home and try it it's guaranteed you give up control and your husband will begin to you know what was this last thing you said then how do you push for what you want you won't have to he'll he'll listen because you listen to him 10,000 you listen to it 10 times and he'll listen to you oh thank you very much your speech was awesome H okay here's a blank one okay how do you get how do I get my husband to come home when he says he's coming home can anyone give the answer to this and then you win the gold star I don't know um okay so again this is a communication issue he may or may not have control if he runs the business if he doesn't run the business as he's at the bosses wom whatever he may not have control if it's his own business and he does have control over when he can come home or not um this is a very big challenge in or in terms of you know having him understand how deep and how important it is to you um again it's a communication issue you could sit there and you could make a very you know big argument to him about whether you're um uh you could fight him on it or you could have a conversation that he would maabo he would understand so again this is a matter of planning the conversation okay good okay you know what can I trouble you to just hand these to me quicker because I I save the time okay at what point do you know if you need marriage help like therapy even if no issues just to communicate better if you have conflicts that are happening in your marriage that you can't resolve then you you know if you don't have a history of solving complicated conflicts then you should get some therapy maybe hand me the next one don't look at it just open it open it for me open it so you can't see it but I can't thank you that's really helpful okay uh if a husband scolds a child in front of you do you need to take T take have his back or is it on to stay qu better to stay quiet I prefer to be quiet and not get involved perfect exactly right you do not say anything it could be after you say you know I think MOA was a little upset because you came down hard on him but the most important gift you can give to your children isus between husband and wife that's way more important than him learning the right lesson or like that okay stay quiet yes stay quiet 100% oh you've got the there thank you okay uh what if you really don't have the energy at at a time where giving to him is necessary okay that's tough um what if you really don't have the energy at a time where giving to him is necessary like he needs you to do something for him and you're just like are you joking I just had gave birth yesterday and you're trying to ask me to wash the car you know whatever whatever the thing is that he's asking of you um again if you are doing so much for your husband constantly constantly taking care of him and Maat and letting him have control then when when you need an out he'll give it to you but if he never can control you he'll fight you for it so the key there is to is to uh make the an overabundance of giving up control and an over thank you an overabundance of giving up control will lead to him giving uh taking better care of you ladies you have to understand this is guaranteed this isn't an idea or a nice concept this is from Shay this is Hashem gave us a husband with this you give up control it is guaranteed he will take better care of you okay and Hashem will take care better care of you you may you may not see immediate results of your husband you might be annoyed you might not be able to see it you may not want to see it or you may you know whatever there's a lot of stuff in between it's guaranteed he'll take care better care of you and for sure Hashem will take better care of you brings BR into the home yeah part that's like when you're physically not you said I guess part of it is communicating but like are we ever allowed to say like no or like not 100% yeah do I look like I never say no to my husband noing but I mean no it's like it's like you know he'll say can you this can do that when you're like you're like you know what I just had such a tough day I just we feel our need if you need to go go I'm sorry we're going a little over time because we got a lot of questions oh but if you turn your thing in you guys you guys want a raffle should we do the raffle now yeah yeah okay let me do the raffle right now okay uh well hold on I don't want to cut this lady okay okay um okay okay why don't you read um okay okay okay Miriam uh Miriam Graham yes you come up and pick take a priz okay r Adler come up and you win take a prize Mala poock you win come take a prize Elana Weinberg come take a prize from this table here riy Lane come take a prize hanva SF Han hanva yeah come take a prize where is he we're maybe they left right okay hold on a second um Mindy can't put them on top okay Mindy sh whatever come take a price there's four things there's toe bags there's cute little uh purses there's keychains and there's cups oops okay um hadasa wait a second hadasa pla hadasa whatever okay Bacha Deborah arioni baa Zila bilha I'm giving nobody's here what what's you're here go grab a priz sha Maneri I think it is Ariana Sam Shar Freda I'm very bad in pronunciation so please forgive me estd Muller Betty ariela okay no one wants to go oh it's the camera oh you want to take them back someone carry them back okay let me go back to the questions uh oh yeah we only we only have about uh eight more questions okay how do we balance making our husband our priority with work kids pushing the H uh something the house running the house so how do you make them the priority so here's the here's the shift ladies you have a your husband comes home from you're giving the kids a bath you've got three little babies in the B your husband comes to the front door you obviously drop leave the kids in the bath by themselves and go get your husband right no the difference between making him a priority and not making him a priority is instead of saying instead when the kids are in the back you yell out down the H down the hall oh hi hun welcome home there's juice in the fridge I'll be out in 10 minutes I'm giving the kids a bath that's called giving your husband making your husband the priority Okay C okay if you don't have respect for your husband how do you look aside from the things that are causing this and develop respect so respect is granted never earned that means your husband's thank you for coming ladies thank you your husband's your husband no matter what he does or how he does it your husband is as respectable as you grant him respect and you will see if you grant your respect husband respect when he doesn't deserve it he will grow into the man that you've always wanted to have how to get your husband to go to Minion Mo without being too pushy um minion is actually none of the wife's business and I know that a lot of times they teach in school you're his M you know you're the one who's going to try and get him whatever you're responsible for his spiritual growth it's who's ever been on a diet in this room okay whatever you don't to raise your hands right you're on a diet and you open the fridge and you Monday morning you're starting your diet and there's yes shabas cheesecake from shabas on top shelf and you say a little bit won't hurt and you take it out of the fridge and your husband says what do you think you're doing what would you do you punch him in the nose is the same thing it's not it's not your business but according to this we put it away and say you're right we put it away and say you're right okay well you know what the EM is oh thank you okay uh the the EM is that you know the the relationship develops on building King and when you build him he'll take care of you give the cheesecake he'll give you the cheesecake for sure and it won't have any calories either okay what's the best way to be grateful for what you have without everyone around you may have what you want yeah I hear I hear it's very hard and especially in this gosh me world you have somebody who's living up the street and you know my sister had a uh went to somebody's house and this little girl literally half her age I think my sister was 40 and this girl was 20 and the girl's house was like a mansion with bedrooms and this and whatever and she's like you know hello and she's sitting there and she's flipping through through a magazine and she sees this big beautiful white you know the lady sees this big white white wraparound couch for her living room and my sister says oh my gosh that's gorgeous you should get it and she said she said yeah my mother-in-law would never let and my sister was like oh everything had looks so Fancy from the outside but when you get up close you know so the point is that whatever you see other people have there's always a story behind it that makes you you you'd be happy you know happy what with what you have okay what happens when your husband doesn't want or attempt to be a giver how does this work with your philosophy of the husband being The Giver so actually what if if someone say Leia what do you do 24/7 what's what's you what what's what's your job I would say my job is teaching women to be receivers right the husband's The Giver the wife is the receiver so I'm the receiver teacher okay so if the husband once the woman becomes a receiver which is been bred out of us through Decades of women's movement whatever I'm not an anti-feminist whatever we gained some things we gain we lost some things also and once a woman is a learns to be a receiver her husband becomes a giver okay so it's it's practice it's a aota okay uh very nice okay thank you just oh we just have a couple more okay oh then what happens to single girls how do they get assessed if if it if all this braa comes to the husbands good question I actually asked this question to many G and one said oh it's their future whatever their future husband is doing they get BR from their future husband or other people said you know some I said well what if they never get married and he said that that Braha then they there's a special dispensation I've got some many great crazy answers all across the board I don't have a good answer for that yeah ask your local Orthodox R but um the My submission is that you know just as I said to rim ketki I said you know if our vter of our life is Shalom bias what about a single person and he said they're also in Shalom bias in in terms of wherever they go with they're having good relationship with their mother or having you know going to the lady behind the counter and being nice to her they they in that um how do you get braa if not married same question um uh yeah so I don't know the answer to that I I think it's I think it's um uh you know maybe put in a storehouse this is I'm just remembering another answer that it's put in a storehouse for you and it comes down through different Source I I sorry above my papade and I did ask a lot of people it's not like I I um uh but I just got so many different answers okay this is so important thank you for what you are investing in our precious Nation I am in therapy and so much of what you say makes say resonates oh is this a question I went for so many reasons and not my marriage but my marriage is so much better this will only enhance it more to okay that was just a thank you okay very good thank you guys very much for being here I really appreciate it and and um Hashem should bench each and every woman in this room with an Aaliyah and Shel bias starting right now now with cl room yeah