Living With Emunah (Part 184): In Your Bones

good morning boker tov and welcome back to living with emunah our weekly support group our weekly gathering to strengthen ourselves in that relationship with hashem to remind ourselves something that we implicitly and intuitively already know but all too often forget and forget to remind ourselves that there is a creator of the universe that he is our father that he loves us that he's involved and invested in our life he's not only aware of but he's involved in and that we should lean on him and love him and feel his support and feel his love i want to thank our general sponsors this morning the amunis series for the year sponsored by doctors avian bella morgan in memory of rabbi dr brian galbet and a memory of bella's mother dr ellen schanzer thank you so much to the morgan's your generosity and your support mean the world this morning's sheer is also sponsored by our dear friend joyce mueller in memory of her father laser rouven is your side is tomorrow uh or today the 19th of adar he was a very special man a pillar of the miami beach community a founder of yeshua involved in israel bonds and apac and so much more a role model not only to the muellers but to many others and his nisham aliyah and lastly sponsored by salon leslie abbott or for schlema speedy complete painless recovery for your throat and charlotte who we should hear please god good news from and good news about okay we are learning riveter meyer morgenstern his wonderful safer beyond we have been focusing and we have been working on our sense of how to cling to and connect with god how to in those moments of anxiety of worry of fear of concern how to realize we're not alone and we're not meant to try to figure it out on our own nothing is random or chance it's all by design whatever is happening in our lives is by design to lean into it and to embrace it and to feel the presence of hashem through it and to know with confidence and to know with clarity and to know with a sense of comfort that there is a god in our life and therefore everything is the way it's meant to be we take our initiative we do our best we try our hardest and then we let go so i have nothing to ever be worried about nothing to panic over nothing to be angry or envious about and so on okay so we talked about kenyan haddvacus the proper way to acquire this this concept how to live that life the best selves the life of our best self and which were always aware of and connected with the presence of hashem and it included emunah how to think about and focus on the philosophy the theology that there's a creator his bonus it included being contemplative how to create the space and the margin to be able to think and to experience god how to allow ourselves to feel and to emote how to connect hashem through the midst of us we're already doing we're davening but how often do we get to the end of the sitter how often did we eat and bench or make the blessings but we forgot we ever said they please or thank you and so on and so forth okay so we're now in the third chapter paragumo her gushes or of atomic bivecus which is the feeling of the light and the feeling emotionally not just intellectually it's not just that i know there's a god intellectually i've read about him i've studied about him weinberger would say i went to a yomiun about god i went to a day a conference a convention and we talked about god not just intellectually but how do i experience how do i feel his love how do i feel his support how do i lean on him how do i express gratitude to him how do i even object or protest to him and so on and so forth is we spoke about this we began this last week that when it comes to our sense of clinging connecting to god there are two dimensions or there are two ways in which we do it one is bimurgosh and you learn shalom urgash one is visceral one is a feeling we have one is in our kishkas and in our bones and the other remains external to us it's an awareness it's a knowledge but it's not through us it means in the moment i'm starting to panic something's going wrong something i'm worried about won't work out i'm feeling the pressure that i stop and i center myself i calibrate and i say wait i go to the amunisher i get the um what's that message wait i've read every book on amuna i have to remind myself there is a god and everything's by design and i have nothing to worry about and i'm able to restore my sense of calm why because i engaged my intellect i reminded myself of something i should know of allah believe but it's not something that gives me goosebumps it's not something that makes me feel alive it doesn't give me that caffeine or energy rush it's simply an intellectual conclusion i remind myself of so i have an awareness now mind you this is a very high level i don't mean to minimize this whatsoever if a person can live with the mindfulness and with the intellectual conclusion and practiced vacuous practice clinging and sticking to god even if it is external how extraordinary but ashnia but there is another level and we're capable of it and we should stretch and reach and aspire for it not for anyone else and not as a favor to god but as a favor for ourselves it's to feel it in our bones in our kishkas sham that i feel the light i feel his presence i feel his warmth i feel his love it is boheira's belief it's burning in my heart there's a passion the passion there's a brand there's a fire because i am a utensil i'm a conduit i'm an instrument that is connecting that is on fire that is passionate to god we spoke about in the pastry earlier this week the idea that the shekel every jew gave the half shackle motion didn't know what it looked like and hashem showed him hashem showed him a coin on fire and the question we asked is coin on fire moshe didn't know what a half shaka looked like he never engaged in small change he never touched a coin so the answer we said was it looks external like everyone's given the exact same half shakal if you look on the surface surface everyone's engaged in the same external act but the marbella the idea that the coin was on fire is the idea that we bring the fire the bren we bring the passion the energy the enthusiasm you can do the same thing but hollow and empty and absent anything or you can do the act where you've invested yourself where you're fully present and mindful where you're on fire and dedicated devoted and transformed and that's what hashem was showing moshe like this like ahmad shalesh and moshe said ah now i get it everyone's not giving the same thing the snapshot on the surface it looks the same but the attitude and the sense of self that the person is giving for everyone is different and says richard meyer morgenstern when it comes to devacus practicing vegas it's not just this intellectual conclusion which is critical and central and amazing if you can get to it when we need it but it's a feeling that permeates and that bubbles it's a feeling that that is throughout your entire being i'll give you a muscle example maybe it's not perfect but i just thought of it sometimes the love we have for our children we have to remind ourselves of intellectually they're driving us crazy they're nude nicks they are relentless the driving is nuts and in that moment you have to remind myself ah biologically i birthed i created i contributed the genetics and i love this child i have to remind myself don't scream don't yell don't lose your cool don't place a wedge don't make them feel bad i have to remember i love them and i don't want to misbehave or behave that way but other times your child does something or you feel this connection to a child in which i've said this to my own children i've said it to my wife i said i don't have the words to express the love i feel for you right now my kishkas my heart is so full we've used those words every one of us children grandchildren those who don't have we bless you that you should have children or grandchildren those who've never felt this for their children or grandchildren we bless you you should feel it but we use those very words in our vernacular we describe and we say my heart is so full at this moment my love is overflowing the connection is enormously strong so it's not that i want to kill you you're driving me crazy but intellectually i remember i love you so therefore i will behave the right way to you it's that my heart is overflowing i am overflowing with this sense of love to you salah deal but similar the sense of dvakast hashem says richard meyer there is the shalom bahar gasha there are the moments where i say hashem i want to kill you i'm disappointed i'm frustrated i feel distant i don't know where you are i long for you i need you i feel you failed me but intellectually i remember that you're there and intellectually i remember that you care and intellectually i remember that it's all by design and so i will stay calm and carry on and so i will let go and i will let god i will every other bumper sticker billboarding cliche you can think of intellectually but really my being is still casual and cold but then there's a hargasha there's a vekas bimorgash there's the hashem something just happened and my heart is so full in connection and love for you i look at the blessings in my family or something i thought was going to go wrong i'm so relieved has gone right or i feel so connected and attached to you that my heart is overflowing with love i've glued myself to you that's a level we're capable of bimorgash it's visceral we say it on shabbos morning in nishmas we say the pasak from david let all of my bowing bones say this is the source for shuckling and davening some people daven very who has most amazing kavanagh and is an amazing role model on this in so many areas he stands absolutely still the rambam talks about standing still your right hand over your left hand over your heart standing still fake focused in that way but others they shuckle and when they're trying to concentrate and trying to get into it and trying to daven they're shuckling they're shuckling i saw this not a political comment but the previous president's lawyer in a recent high profile trial was an observant jew is an observant jew and when he was presenting his argument he was like shifting back and forth and some people on social media said hey lawyer shone this is not dabbling stop shuckling you're presenting your argument for the jews when we're concentrating when we're focused we shuckle shackles a yiddish word it means we sway we shuckle we move our arms we get into it we wake ourselves up where does that come from it comes from nishmas kolats mosai tomarna hashem i'm not absolutely still but somewhere in my head and somewhere in my heart i'm saying these things are connecting to you no kolats mosai tomarna my entire being is shouting out my entire being my bones my veins my arteries my muscles my joints it's all singing out and screaming i love you i'm attached to you i feel you i'm connected with you i believe you i believe you oh my being kolatsu tomarna everything so that's something we're capable of and i don't think that we'll feel either of these all the time we fluctuate in life there are moments the moon is rational and it's intellectual and we have to just remind ourselves don't get angry to god this was meant to be don't be envious you have what you need there's a god don't be anxious it's going to work out how do i know there's a god that's the intellectual conclusion there's a god but it's not in my being and there are other moments that something happens and you say wow hashem i steal you i love you my heart is full and overflowing kolas my bones my everything is screaming out with their clocks and generally speaking says richard meyer when a person merits this miss vasa zahar gush is tonight belibo do you know what goes with it when your heart overflows have you ever had your heart overflow for your children or grandchildren but say that didn't feel good my heart is overflowing with love for you but it doesn't feel good and i'm in a bad mood those don't go together if your heart is full and overflowing it's got to be better than any drug or alcohol or high you can get artificial eye you could get what high is there bigger and better than when your children are getting along you just took a trip or your children do something to demonstrate they get it they get your values they're making you proud or they're devoted to you and your heart is so full with love for them that is synonymous with pleasure synonymous you're never in pain or disappointed or in a bad mood when your heart is full and overflowing is in itself an amazing generator of pleasure so says your mind the same is true with hashem when you feel the vicus when you cling and connect when you feel attached viscerally through your being through your body all your bones it also generates and releases this incredible rush of pleasure tan of bilibo you feel this pleasure and he writes in the footnote kashish when it comes to light of god you feel the light the light is penetrating the light is coming through you you see the light again none of these are hebiji be crazy out there wacko ideas they've entered our vernacular we use this in our language every day we're just directing it towards the conversation of god and hashem but do we not talk every day about seeing the light i've seen the light i started exercising i see the light i started bathing differently in this way i see the light i'm trying to salvage my relationship so see the light of god see the light of the divine see him everywhere around see it all happening for a reason somebody i'm close with in our community was doing a road trip they had to drive somewhere a long journey from florida and they were talking to someone on the phone who was uh struggling from cancer and the consequence of the or the um byproduct of the of the radiation or the chemo they're getting in their skin and she recommended unfortunately this person herself is a survivor of cancer she recommended you need to get this cream i don't remember what it's called because it's going to help you it's specifically designed when your skin is negatively impacted from the treatment you're getting for the cancer and now she's on this wrong road trip up i-95 corridor up the east coast as she's talking to the person she passes a billboard for this cream have you undergone treatment for such and such is your skin affected here is the cream and the name of the cream and she writes me an email is it a coincidence or was it god speaking to me and helping me out in that moment now we know the answer we all know the answer to that question so there are those moments or hello ki you feel the light you feel awake you feel alive come on that's not a coincidence it's not random it's not chance you're doing a good deed of mitzvah you're helping somebody else you couldn't remember the name of the cream you passed the billboard and there it is wow wow that's the oralocus the ore of god is shining bright so it says what you might here in the footnote the very recognition the very identifying the existence of hashem with us and the connection to him is as if we see him so when that billboard coincidence happened for that person they were seeing god now what did god look like he's a big billboard what color what font god is not a billboard but it means that when you see the light of god through whichever way he's engaging us that is what it means to see god number two our gosh vegas there's the seeing god not because i see him in the billboard or i see him in that angel who just did something for me or i see him in that sunset or i see him in that but rather it's i'm feeling the connection with him and i see him through my heart that's what it means the connection the feeling of light and then there is or there is the feeling the notion that we're using this terminology of the light of god but that light of god can mean several different things the light of god could mean that billboard the light of god can mean the sunset the light of god could mean my angel someone else doing something amazing for me the light of god could mean a feeling in my heart i feel alive i feel awake i feel i feel dynamic i feel vibrant i feel connected i feel plugged in that that's seeing the light of god it can come in all these different ways i wish you could be reading together with me for those watching on youtube this is the safer you can order it online it's available you can order it online i just bought another copy for a friend of mine you could order it online and learn it together follow it along together with me inside we're on page sadie zion actually turning the page right now vinaya madriga harishones behar gushes now the first level of feeling the first level of viscerally feeling the light of connection to god he our gushes how arab enough show is the feeling of the light in your soul by the way i'll point out that you have to first feel your soul if you don't know that you have a soul you're not going to feel the light of god in your soul when's the last time you made contact with your soul when's the last time that you nurtured or nourished your soul when's the last time that you took a spiritual an evaluation took an inventory of the well-being of your soul so if you don't feel or know your soul you're not going to feel the light of god in your soul the first thing is to know that you have a soul you have to know that you have a soul and then when you have no you have a soul your soul can pick up the signal from hashem so you have to nurture your soul nourish your soul take inventory of your soul and invest in the well-being the health of your soul and when you know you have a soul when you take care of your soul then you'll be able to have your soul be receptive and open and feel someone sent me yesterday a great text someone is in recovery and everyone knows that i think there's enormous wisdom in recovery we should all be in some form of a recovery and there's wisdom for all of us from recovery in an a.a book there's a line that says the following it stood out to this person and he thought i would enjoy it but she was right and shared it with me quote if you are not as close to god as you once were or as you would like to be make no mistake you are the one that moved if you're not as close to god as you once were or as you would like to be make no mistake you're the one who is moved in other words god is perfect infinite and omnipotent god didn't move away from you god didn't withdraw he didn't pull away he didn't become alienated god didn't put daylight or a barrier or a wedge god's not the one who moved you did that's not to blame the person who moved maybe they moved because life circumstance maybe a person has struggled or suffered maybe life got in the way maybe the person's hurt disappointed may be distracted it's not to issue judgment on the person but it's simply to stay a fact it's to make an observation that if you're not as close to god as you once were or as you want to be make no mistake god is not the one who moved and i think there's enormous wisdom in it so do we have a soul and what inventory do we take of our soul and how aware are we of our soul and do we allow our soul to feel do we allow our soul to experience do we allow our soul to live do we allow our soul to be awake do we allow our soul to to experience shikolailu uh sorry i skipped the paragraph regarding here gosh margishes or so the first level of feeling god that light in our soul to feel the light of hashem inside us and this is a feeling that a person has when you're learning torah have you ever been to a sheer that gives you goosebumps that made you laugh that made you cry that moved you that made you dream that drew a picture for you of who you want to be and who you could become and how you could live your life have you ever learned something that made you feel incredibly connected to hashem okushima zamer is a have you ever sung a song have you ever listened to music or a melody have you ever sang a zemer on shabbos or yantif that moved you that made you feel alive and awake that touched you in such a deep place that you were crying and you couldn't stop have you felt hashem when you entered a makkam kadosh have you been in a holy and a sacred space that holy sacred space could be a hospital room the holy sacred space could be in the inner sanctuary of people who let you in in a very vulnerable way the inner sacred space could be watching a sunrise or a sunset the inner sacred space of course could be a shul a basement have you felt something have you felt something at the kotel at marasa magpala at keva rachel in svas have you felt something come away come alive feel connected our gushes are these are real feelings many people mistakenly think that because they're fleeting and because they're short-lived and because they disappear they were never real to begin with oh the feeling i had at the ariz mikvah the feeling i had at the castle at the kotel the feeling i had and the shul the feeling i had at that sunset where i told you i had goosebumps and my bones were screaming and i was alive and i saw who i could be and i wanted to make these changes an hour later a day later a week later a month later it was gone so you see it wasn't real it wasn't counterfeit and when i look back on my year in israel or on that summer tour at that family trip and that feeling i had with that comes with that guitar and so on it was never real to begin with how do i know because look at me now it didn't last the fact that it didn't last as a failure in you that doesn't mean it wasn't real it was real how can you restore how can you bring it back how can you get there how can we get there how can we get there when i do marriage counseling which unfortunately i do too much of not unfortunate for me or my time unfortunate for the people who need it one of the exercises and i always refer to a competent and true therapist i only complement them but one of the exercises i engage in always is asking the couple who have fallen seemingly out of love or out of like for one another i say can you remember a time when your marriage you were on fire when you felt connected when you felt in love what was it let's go back there describe it what happened what were the circumstances where were you what were the qualities that drew you to one another to begin with can we get back there there are layers and layers of baggage and layers and layers of residue and layers and layers of stuff that ends up covering up what were that core or the original qualities that drew us to one another the experience that we shared together the feelings that we once had for one another how do we get back there how do we recover how do we restore and the same is true with hashem this hargasha amitias it is genuine it is authentic it is real what you felt in that shana aleph or when you felt in that conversation with the high school teacher or where you felt in the middle of the night with that friend sitting on the beach all night talking about life and god when you felt when you experienced that thing it was real it is genuine but you feel the existence of something sacred and holy you know it's within you you know it's within your reach within your grasp it's in the world um there are layers and layers there are levels upon levels and in the beginning it's a very weak feeling the signal we pick up very lightly but the more that we merit and the more that we practice and the more that we work out the amount of muscle the duvecus muscle it becomes a feeling which is truly embedded a feeling which truly emanates from our soul it is a menu it is a part in a portion of ourselves until we merit and it becomes all of our existence we become one of those annoying barak hashem people we walk around and say with god's help if it pleases god let's ask hashem to help us give us the right answer find the solution we see and we feel and we interpret and we thank and we talk to hashem always always so it becomes our very life source it becomes everything inside us becomes our very sustenance hashem opposite me you know the shocking art begins begins that a person should live shivisi hashem the negative and hashem is opposite me always and the sha'atseyan writes in his commentary he says a person should write these words on a little scrap of paper shivers that hashem is opposite me always and stick it inside their sitter and while you're darvaning you put that little piece of paper the little scrap of paper shivish i think it should be a sticker on your phone and on your laptop and on your dashboard and on your mirror and on your refrigerator ain't no water there is nothing but god and shivi say hashem a night and i see him everywhere i see him everywhere hashem god is before me everywhere in every conversation and every interaction and every experience and every thought and every memory and every conversation miroshu so i can't stop feeling him i can't stop feeling connected to him i can't stop thinking about him i can't stop observing his presence in every aspect of my life this is our mission this is our mandate this is what we're trying to accomplish this is how we are trying to live not for his benefit but for our own not for his good or because he's asked because it makes us come alive and gives us our best life yet we'll continue with more of this next week living with emunah if you're watching on youtube and we're no longer going to be broadcasting on zoom the few people the handful still on zoom this is your last week on zoom pay attention to the zumwalt app group the daily email and the reminders for the link to the youtube or you can just find it on our youtube page if you're watching on youtube please subscribe by subscribing you'll be notified in real time every time we go live with every class go off of zoom all you have to do is subscribe on youtube and by subscribing you'll be notified whenever we go live with a sheer come learn with us tonight 9pm we go behind the bmw with one of my favorite authors aj jacobs author of four new york times bestselling books a really great fantastic thought-provoking author very excited 9pm tonight until next time stay happy stay healthy and stay holy