Maamar V'avarti 5719 #3: True Self Love Is Divine Love; But Then I Realize that Too Is Limiting Me

Okay, good morning everybody. Welcome. Baruchim haba'im. Thank you for gracing us. So we're in the middle of the ma'amar of V'ahavti Bereishis Mitzrayim. Class number three. We're up to class number three. Today's class is dedicated by our dear friend Reb Isaac Reb Isaac North in loving memory and l'il nishmas Leah Pearl bas Reb Chaim uh alav hashalom who passed away on the 13th day of Nissan. This is going to be the third yahrtzeit? Second yahrtzeit. T'hei nishmasa tzrurah b'tzror hachaim. And may her soul be always a source of blessing and inspiration for the whole mishpacha, especially for all of the children. L'arichus yamim v'shanim tovim. With all the blessings. Thank you. And also dedicated for a complete and speedy recovery or refuah shleimah for our Rav Reb Chaim Michoel Dov ben Sarah Rivka. May he have all the blessings and arichus yamim v'shanim tovim, a complete and speedy recovery. Amen. Okay. So we're in the ma'amar of V'ahavti. The Rebbe said Pesach 5719, and we're holding seif dalet. Chapter four, which in the copies is page 199. Page 199. I got an extremely um moving email yesterday. I don't know the person personally, but it was a young man, 27 years old, who wrote an email. He's following the mymer. He's learning with us the mymer online. And uh Let's see if it opens. So, I usually give a summation and the before we begin we go further. So, the summation will be in the form of an email of this young man. It was very moving to read. He says as that starts off as he would "Hi Rabbi Jacobson. I was extremely closed off my whole life, always living in my head. I didn't even know that I was missing anything and I thought that I was living the evolved life. 3 years ago on Pesach I had a seder and something about the seder felt very different. It was different than anything else I had experienced. But I was still the same locked down person. The next morning after Shacharis my mind was blown open with a true ego death experience. It opened my heart or accurately the bridge from my heart to my brain. Suddenly I was able to see all of the life that I was missing. I struggle now with being able to tap into that space. I am in my head a lot of my life. But nonetheless, once I can see the other side I can't exist anymore thinking that my head is all there is. I had to I felt that I have to say to you something because how closely this mymer after both classes mirrors my own life. And I'm I'm that something said before I was born can describe my life experience. I'm 27 years old. It's been tremendous for my own personal growth and the growth of my family. In my case, I thought I had my whole life figured out. That I knew what was wrong with me. I also knew what was right and how my life was going to look. It was perfect. It was that morning of Pesach, I picked up a book was called Life is too short by Twerski. When I read the table of content contents, I realized it described my life perfectly. There was the header Symptoms of Low Self-Esteem. I could no longer deny the reality that my self-esteem was low and my whole worldview crumbled. At that point, all of the labels I put on myself and the world were put into question. When I went into the meal, I couldn't speak. I was struggling to hold a fork. I couldn't figure out how to hold a cup. I asked myself, how do you hold a cup? Everything I ever knew I thought about the world was shattered. The egg cracked completely. Words will never really give justice to the experience. I don't know why I even I was chosen to have this experience. Some people tell me about certain journeys they went on that sound similar to the experience. I never tried that myself, but I did do a lot of IFS work. So, it could be that that primed me to have this experience happen. And expressing his gratitude for all of this learning. So, uh So, here is a Here is, I think, a very visceral example what we spoke about last time that uh you can't have the egg and eat it, too. Either it stays an egg or it becomes a chick. From yesh to one yesh, we go through an ayin. And the whole theme of this mind mirror is that if I don't go into the Mitzrayim garden, if I don't go into Mitzrayim, I can never go out of Mitzrayim. To go out of Mitzrayim, we have to go into Mitzrayim. And what is Mitzrayim? Mitzrayim is in the mind, in the brain. There's a very profound expansiveness of understanding and wisdom and it could be really, really powerful. But nonetheless, it's disconnected. It's disconnected from the human internal experience which is embodied. But it's sometimes so disconnected that it doesn't say it's disconnected. Because part of its identity and safety net is it's fully connected. On the contrary, it figures things out in the most objective way. It looks at other people who are emotional wrecks and says that's not going to happen that's not going to happen to me. I'm I'm scientific. I'm methodical. I'm organized. I see the picture. I know where to go. I wait I know where not to go. It's amazing. Right? It's like imagine you don't have to ever visit anywhere in the world because you have a map. And you say I know where everything is. And literally that's what it is. I think that's a very, very good parable. It's literally living on a map and and you know the world better than anybody else. You see the shape of Italy as a boot. You can even capture the grandness of every ocean and every sea and every river, every beach, every canal and certainly every country, state and city and you're an expert, you're a real expert. There's only one thing missing. You know where all the beaches are. You know where every single beach is. Exactly. You know the most beautiful landscapes and not only that, you have the whole the whole the whole planet, the whole earth literally in your conquest. You're holding it in your two hands. Right? All figured out literally. But as they say, the map is not the territory. The only thing I'm I'm missing is the experience, yeah. I don't know what the soil feels like. And the truth is that it's even very hard to understand this because as this person said, well, words all fit into that same you know, map. And it's very important, the map is important. When you go somewhere and you have a map, it can help. It's very important. It can help for descriptions, for definitions, not to get lost, know how to get back onto the right path. A map is very, very helpful, very important. If you're driving with maps, we all know it's helpful. But nonetheless, if it becomes a substitute for life, it's a disaster. Not just a disaster, it's just not the not life. And to get from that place of seichel to middos, like the Rebbe said, you go through an ayin, a place of unknown. The journey from the mind to the heart must go through the unknown. Just like the journey from the heart to the mind goes through the unknown, and the journey from the mind to the superconscious mind also goes through the unknown. And that unknown is a place of very, very deep vulnerability. The egg cracked. Will the chick emerge? The seed decomposed. Will there be a tree? It's a place of the unknown, which shocks the survival template that has to go off its throne of predictability. But it's the only way that a person can actually go in to the place of experience, which is yetzias Mitzrayim, going out of the meitzar hagaron, going going out of that those confinements. And when we do go out of Mitzrayim, there's always an attempt to go back, go back, go back because there is something very, very vulnerable. And the the the point is that the Rebbe can even ask a question, who needs it? Maybe just stay in the world of seichel because you can reach truth. We're talking about real seichel, who reach truth. And he says, no. Because ultimately the whole of betachtonim the whole of the whole of the whole of the whole of As we see practically he says when there's no when there's no emotion, when there's no when it there's no experience of it in the body the actions are not really affected. There remains a disconnect. And ultimately I can justify and rationalize everything. And in the confrontation between different modes of living the brain intellectual detachment will prevail. That's how it is. It's a very very skilled at its work. It's only the embodiment that creates the real shift of consciousness and the real ability of integration. Where it's me. It's me. Even though as we explained you always need the as a map and as a challenge because if not the emotions could become very very like everything it could become egotistical. It could become it could become uh extra very very overpowering of course dis-regulated and I can start worshipping them too. I can start worshipping them too where it becomes I'm not feeling I am feeling I'm not feeling I am feeling where instead of the feelings becoming a channel for the feelings become a new trap of everything is about what I'm feeling right now. I you understand what I'm saying? That's a whole different type of That's where you have to go the other way. We have to go into a different eye. And it's it's it's a deep journey because you see people who have lived in their brains and they wanted to go to the world of emotions and then it became a whole new prison. It becomes a whole new prison of worshipping my mood at this moment even though it's a new survival template of just what's working comfortably with me and maybe I'm responding to an old pain so maybe I have to go through some phase. But to turn anything into a pagan absolute God whether your brain or your heart becomes another form of detachment which is very painful. I said I said this in last year. I said this in last year, the end of this year. Yeah, yeah. There's this three for bringing ends of the freedom of the of the tough shin above 1946 that I recently was learning. Um I think Simchas Torah, Yud Tes Kislev, and Purim, which were the big for bringing ends. Literally the same year and he kept on saying the same thing. He said the people make a terrible mistake. Because there's a to call Chabad which comes from the altar they decided that it's been a dust. It's about an intellectual relationship. And he says it's it's it's completely inaccurate. What wanted is that the middle should be guided by in a dust. The middle should be inspired and um and um rooted in deep deep understanding, meditation, transcendental awareness. It shouldn't just be instinctive and more superficial and shallow. In the language of this it should be rooted in a note of my body. It should be rooted in the inside. An understanding of it as limited as it is gives a person the ability to go to places my own emotional landscape right now at the moment won't be able to experience. You know, I'm hungry, I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I want attention. So the in a dust is like the map. It gives a blueprint where you could you could experience through your mind very very profound truth but the whole closeness is the journey from the head into the heart and into the body through the garden. And he emphasized this again and again. So yeah, you're right. It's not really somewhere okay. Yeah. Yeah, 1903. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Your mind understands what you Yeah, yeah. So, this is This was the main the main Hakodah. Now, we come to save dollars. All of this was an explanation on the beginning of the moment which discussed the fact that we see in Mizraim two phases. When you read Parshas Boy, sometimes it feels like feels like you It sounds like they the the was at night. And then clearly it says the was by day. In Parshas Boy, it says twice has a little This is the day that Hashem protected and guarded and anticipated. Actually, it says for the word anticipation showing your mountain to take the Jewish people out of Egypt. Also, pirate wakes up in the middle of the night and says, "Go, go fast, fast." But then clearly it says it was the middle of the day that he took the Jewish people out of Egypt. So, the says, "Yeah, the knows that you could make a mistake and think they went out at night or at least maybe some people went out at night that they started to go out at night." So, he says, "No, no, they got permission. They were free in the sense that they could leave, which is of course a major moment, but the actual the actual departure was the next day." That's what the explains. So, it's not a steer. And the it basically says in that there were two stages. gave permission, but nobody left till the middle of the day. That's off. So, they say that we do at night that like they did the say there. But the actual was by day. But the says that itself needs a beer. It's true we we we we we reconcile the contradiction. There's no physical contradiction. But why is it that the Torah speaks about Yetziat Mitzrayim as happening in two times? So, he said, "No, it's not really two times. It was one of preparation, one is the actual." But, that itself that it happened that way means that there's two stages in Yetziat Mitzrayim. And that's why the Torah says this Yetziat Mitzrayim at night, Yetziat Mitzrayim at day. And then we explain what it means technically. But, it means in in in the inyan of Yetziat Mitzrayim, there's takka two phases. There's two inyanim. And you see it also in halakha that maskirin Yetziat Mitzrayim bayom. And then there's a special pasuk to teach you at night to be maskir Yetziat Mitzrayim. So, it's not just because you wouldn't have you would you wouldn't take that as a given. It's takka because there's two dinim in Yetziat Mitzrayim. There's Yetziat Mitzrayim of yom and there's Yetziat Mitzrayim of layla. In order to explain this, he went in what is Yetziat Mitzrayim in avodah in a person's life. That it's going out of the metzar. Going in and then going out of the metzar, where the seichel becomes trapped and hijacked by Paroh, who sits in the nape. Paroh levels of oiref and has the sa'ar oiref, sa'ar mashkin, sa'ar tabachin, as we explained, the esophagus and the trachea, the windpipe, the foodpipe, and the veins, the arteries, which can hijack any awareness and lead it to where Paroh wants to lead it. Well, and the bottom line is that you stay stuck in confinement and limitation and what we would call coping mechanisms and survival templates. And I can't live with the full power and presence of my soul. I am stuck in my metzar hagadol. And that's exactly what Paroh wants. And he's the king of Egypt. He's the king. He's one of the mymarim that says Paroh is melech Mitzrayim, that he's melech Mitzrayim v'hagvulim. He's the king on on on on of of coping mechanisms. He's the king of survival templates. He's the king of keeping you trapped in in in your bubble, in in your egg. It's melech Mitzrayim v'hagvulim. Melech Mitzrayim, he he's the king. He was a king. He was an expert. There's always that So, that power is an expert. He gets it done. Cuz the Golem which just means the The borders, Golem, yeah? The the Ukraine Ukraine, the word Ukraina means the border. Ah, interesting. Okay, I didn't know Ukraine means borders. In which language? In Ukrainian? It basically means the end of something. Ukraina, Ukraina. Wow. Okay. I see. It means that in Ukrainian. If it would mean that in Russian, it would be great. Putin wants to add a new word to the Russian language. My Russian means the same thing. Oh, okay. So so So, the Melech Mitzrayim V'Goyim, that's what he wants. And then, there's going out of the Mitzrayim going out, that's Yetzias Mitzrayim. Because based on all of this, now we can appreciate why there's two phases. There's the night then there's the day. It's not so much a technical thing. There's takka two types of Yetzias Mitzrayim. And each one is a Yetzias Mitzrayim. Yet yet, one is called night and one is called day. Sif Daled. V'hinei, k'she ra'ay day ha'yetziam Mitzrayim naseh seder ha'samiddis. B'shas through Yetzias Mitzrayim, you do have a seder ha'samiddis. What do we mean by a seder ha'samiddis? That there's a an arousal of actual middos. Where there's an emotional experience. But should the person experiences it. And that is what redemption looks like. Because then, you're completely in you're you're in a different place. She'k'var b'middas ahavah kana'al, and the primary element is love. Middos includes more than love. There's chesed, there's gevurah, tiferes, netzach, hod, yesod, malchus. But he said earlier, it says in Zoya lace pulchin a kapulchin in the Musa. There's no avoid it like the avoid of love. And liba pulchin the whole shifen just like biologically from the heart the blood is transmitted, it's transported to every single organ. Shifen are all the compartments of the body all needs the transmission of the blood in order to bring oxygen and nutrients to every single part of the body. So it's not just the heart experiences love. Once that happens, that blood goes everywhere. So your legs are dancing differently. Your walk is different. Your gait is different. When you pick up your hand in a different way. Your gestures are different. Everything is different. When there's a healthy heart, every organ is affected. So it's not just we're talking about a meter you have an emotion. That embodiment it affects the gut, it affects every single dimension of the human being. But for that you have to get through that nerve, that vagus nerve. That that ability to be able to go through the metza hagaren and not get stuck. Because over there stuckness can happen so fast, so swiftly. And once that happens, that is etius mitzrayim. That is gullah. And as we said last time, 5 minutes of experiencing in your body the oneness of Hashem will trump 53, 63, 73 years of knowledge. Not that the knowledge isn't significant. But the one is galus and one is gullah. So in this state, when you have these meters yes a base matrix, etius mitzrayim by yom, etius mitzrayim by layla. There's deliberation of mitzrayim by day and deliberation of mitzrayim by night. Why? L'choida, if you're embodying what you're learning as we said before, it's an embodied feeling of ein od milvado. It's literally experiencing even for for for 2 minutes. The oneness of Hashem and the experience of that 2 minutes you have to understand it's never 2 minutes. It's really an experience of eternity. That's its power. It may be 2 minutes because my brain will be hijacked by something and my heart will be hijacked by something. That's true. Like it says in Tanya Perek Chof Alef, that when a Jew does a mitzvah, so he says it's a yichud, it's a unity of the soul with Hashem. So he says Al lo shavti, the Rebbe says He says If it's a yichud with Hashem, Hashem is beyond time. So there's no such a thing I did something for 5 minutes. No, no, no, you did it forever. The way it's translated in the dimensions of time is I did it for 5 minutes and after that I did the opposite. But he said that's a wrong equation. That's the way it comes into the world of time. Yeah. You you can once you experience it, you can always go back. Yeah. Yeah. It's a ref- First of all, it's a reference point for eternity. You can always go back to it. And there's also a that yichud is takka happening forever. Because you're one with Hashem. Hashem doesn't exist in time. It's beyond time. So so you say we only connected for 60 seconds. The word 60 seconds, that's a frequency that we have and we say we connected for 60 seconds and then we parted ways. But if you connected to to a to a metzius of Ein Sof, not a metzius, the Ein Sof, so there's no such it was not 60 seconds, it's forever. It's it's a vart he says like you you have to really You understand what I'm saying? The Rebbe once said it over at a farbrengen put him, he started to cry and he said what the Rebbe is saying is as when I eat to the mitzvah, You know what that is? Um He toys with your mitzvah for eternity. Yeah. He toys affect the He toys with your mitzvah for all the world. Yeah. A fidget spinner or a Yeah. But not just to entertain my boring fingers, yeah. Yeah. Of course, we live in time. So, 5 minutes later, I may go to sleep. Or 5 minutes later, I may end up somewhere else. But he said, "Don't understand what's happening." In this case also, it may be a moment. But there's a dimension which not a moment, it's forever. Cuz that's what it means connect to something that's eternal. And there's also always a reference point, like you said. That means I may go back into it. But you always know You always know what that is. Your soul, your nervous system knows what it is. And therefore, nothing will ever be able to replace it. Nothing. Some of us have tried. You go here. You want to replace it, but you can't. You can't replace it cuz you have that reference point. Yeah. Yeah. I may not feel it right now, but it's there. And it's boom. You know You know exactly what it is. And you know exactly what's not. And you know that relative to that, everything else is It's It's fake energy. It's fake energy. It's what's called in It's called energy. It's based on cover-ups. It's based on shells. Anything that's based on shells and husks doesn't have that. Doesn't have that energy. And you can't replace it. I could I could delude myself. I could do a lot of things to I could distract myself. I could do that. Another day another that's why we have phones. We can make simulations of the time, but this is a loser. It's just not that. So in this in here there's two in here and you have in Lila. For in here he makes you the passage says in here not she in the secret by Lila. My soul in the secret comes the word um evil emotionally, which means um how do you in the secret? You don't scrape It's associated with the word tiger this advice. My soul wants you. It pines for you. It yearns for you. It craves you. But he says the word by Lila at night. So the way it's usually translated is you know, that at night in darkness I yearn for you. I yearn for day. I yearn for light. I yearn for presence. That's one way of looking at it. But there's a deeper interpretation. Should be in this Lila I knew I would be in the secret of the secret. The level of of night of the time at night it's still dark and you left the time. That is not she in the secret. When the love is not she in the secret my soul wants you. That is Lila. That is the state of night. What's that? I knew I would be in the secret by Lila mission higher enough share. This is someone who loves because he loves his soul. He loves himself. He loves his life in a in the most beautiful and healthy way. And that is why he loves or to put it more accurately that is what it means to love her. In this state of consciousness. To love life. Love life and life is channeled through me in me. It's really a love of life, but it's also a love of my life cuz that's that's my most visceral experience of life. This comes from the meditation. But they we're talking here about the experiential meditation, not just a meditation I It's It's mathematics. It says by now knows that in the end you what the possuk says in parshas Nitzavim ki hu chayacha, because he is your life. What is this? She iker ha chiyus Elokus. When a person could really get any form of grasp that the chiyus of everything everything is You love your life. What What What does that life look like? What is that life? So I love my oxygen. Okay. Whose oxygen is it? Well, I love my brain. I love my genes. I love my DNA. I love my cells. Okay, beautiful. We don't talk I don't You love your cells. You love your DNA. You love your your neurons. I love my life. What is the life? What is this life? Like Could you look at it? What is it? I don't know what it is. I love my consciousness. There's something intangible. That The pnimiyus of all that is Elokus. That's what Elokus is. That's the first That is what Elokus is. What do you think Elokus is? The life of life. The reality of reality. The internal battery, engine, consciousness that makes it all happen and vivifies it and animates it and creates it and sustains it and gives it its design and functionality and essence. And whatever words else you want to use, that is going to It's going to come back to Elokus. You don't want to use the word Elokus, use a different word. But it's the It's the experience of the divine in life, which is life. That is life. There's nothing No other There's no other life that was invented outside of that. Nobody could invent it. Nobody has invented it. And that's what it is. So a real love of self, a real love of life, what does that look like? That is love of God. It's not two two things. Somebody once asked me, "Why do you In your Shiur you talk about people loving themselves? Is there a source for Torah in this?" There's no source for Torah. Doesn't say anywhere you should like yourself. V'ahavta l'reacha kamocha for some people means love somebody else like you love yourself, like maybe you would have loved yourself. Okay, very nice. So, you're saying v'ahavta l'reacha kamocha. That's a good answer. And I told them, "You say three times a day v'ahavta Hashem Elokecha b'chol l'vavcha uv'chol nafsh'cha uv'chol m'odecha. Who do you think your real self is? You're looking at yourself as some detached piece of garbage. You go to say, "I love him. Should I not love him?" Your real self is Hashem Elokecha. The mitzvah is to love Hashem, but this is the words he says here. I just want you to know I didn't make this up. Some Some people think it's some form of liberal left-wing psychology. V'yedei zeh nafshei atzmo elokus. This is avat elokus is it it's it's the He says oyev es chai nafsho. It's it's called loving your soul, your life. That's what it really is. And this is not narcissistic. This is not selfish. This is extremely selfless. This is This is cuz cuz it's one. It's mamash one. It's not two separate things. V'hinei And this is called nafshi ivisiha. Now, v'hinei avah zu hi avah g'dolah b'yoser. This is a tremendous love. The moment you experience this, again, we're not in the brain. The moment the person experiences the love of life and particularly love of their own life, it's not the love of something I accomplished. I had an appointment yesterday and I got investors to invest $25 million in my company, which is a nice thing and be proud of it. Did it happen? You got them to invest $25 million. Good. Huh? It's not even a love. It's So, there's a love a love of achievement. Yeah. There's a love of hard work, you know? You do a good exercise, a good training, whatever it is, and and and and there's something special about it. Those are all very important, but those are all manifestations. Here, it's a celebration of life itself. Which, let's face it, it's hard in in in the tumultuousness and pressures of life. It's even hard to get to such a moment, cuz there's always something to do. Now, I have to have here an I have an appointment. Right. But, this is the celebration of life itself. It's the energy itself. It's looking at a leaf and a tree, and you can actually start crying from emotion. It's It's you You Everyone is have Everybody's in a conversation. Like, Perek Shirah. Perek Shirah, right? Chazal say All the animals are just singing. They're all singing. Everybody's in a conversation. There's a symphony going on. Harri'u Lashem kol ha'aretz. Rashi says, Moshiach says, Rashbi says, Harri'u Lashem kol ha'aretz. The whole world is singing. Halacha is basically trying to help you be a choir master, a conductor of the symphony. Sunrise, time for Shema Yisrael Hashem Elokeinu Hashem Echad. Sunset, time for another It's It's basically Harri'u Lashem kol ha'aretz. It's recognizing the symphony of the universe. But, that symphony begins in my own heartbeat. So, this is not a love of this detail, of that detail, of that detail. It's It's Do you love your energy? Do you know what that looks like even? Not with your brain. Did you ever experience Did you ever experience your energy? That is divine. That is divine. There's no other energy. I don't have another energy. That is divine. The divine channeling Ein Sof through my brain, through my heart, through every single cell, through every single neuron, through every single vein and artery. Right. That is Every Every breath we take, every move we make, that is Ain Soph. So, ahava zoe, ahava gedola beyoser. This is a very profound loving experience. Why? Because the moment the person feels, experiences, that this is their life, hadays kvei ahava chayim. It's like the love of life. She ahava gedola beyoser. It's not separate from the love of life. What is the greatest love in the world? Ahava chayim, the love of life. The pleasure, the bliss that exists in life itself, is the greatest pleasure that we have. It's ahava gedola beyoser. It's an awesome awesome pleasure. To the point that all the other forms of pleasure are ahava, are like nothing relative to the ahava chayim. There's so many forms of pleasure in the world. More refined, less refined, very brute, very transcendental. But all of them, he says, are ahava. They pale in comparison to the ahava chayim. Ah, you'll ask a question. It's not true. I don't even feel it. I'm not excited. I'm alive. I'm not Who feels excited? Sometimes people get more excited about their cup of coffee than about their their life. They're more excited about their bank account than about their life. The new car, the new coat, the new watch, the new the new facial, the new Whatever it is. People get excited about other things. You see somebody walking in, "I AM HIGH. I AM HIGH. What happened? WHAT HAPPENED? I'M ALIVE." AND THEY'LL SAY, "WHICH DOCTOR ARE YOU GOING TO? You need a new one." V'gam she'ainam argishim es ha'ahava chayim. At least regularly people don't feel this. They're not You're looking for ahava. Here's a ahava. You're alive. Hadays she'ainam argishim es ha'ahava chayim. It's because it's so embedded, we take it for granted. We're looking for the distraction. We're looking for the new thing, the novelty, right? The revolution. The unique, the novel. This is a tiny little committee. So tiny little committee but something to say tiny little committee any tiny. It's not experienced as tiny little anymore because we take it for granted. Berkshire Hathaway is once in 28 years. And everybody makes sure to go out to make the blessing. What happens with Berkshire Hathaway is it's a certain position where the sun is. But it happens once in 28 years. So it's unique. If the sunrise would happen once in 75 years, trust me, nobody would miss a sunrise. Nobody would miss a sunrise. But we miss a sunrise every single day. At least some of us miss it every single day. Nobody would miss a sunset if it happened once in 85 years. I was once driving in LA and there was a billboard. Admit it, you're sick and tired of getting up every day to get a beautiful Come out to this ski resort Yeah. She says tiny little committee any tiny. I will be honest that it is a tiny little God will be yours. But don't be fooled. Just because it's happening constantly cuz you're alive and there's nothing to say about it. You're alive at 8:00, and you're alive at 9:00, and you're alive at 10:00, and you're alive at 11:00. So life is boring. Doesn't mean it's not a tiny little cuz the biggest tiny little. And he says here something very powerful. Where do you see this? When the person is confronted with the opposite when they're confronted with the opposite of life then at that moment they realize that there's nothing that comes close to this, not even a close second. There's nothing that comes close to the tiny little of highest. You can eat it with mush. And you see this very practically. It's a fascinating example. If you come to a person and you tell them anything that you can describe as blissful, you're going to get. Anything. So, imagine make a make a bucket list of what what's your 10, 20, 50 top time to give in the world. You can even get to number 50, which means you can even do the small stuff. Yeah, think about it. Momish your top top time to give. What means the most to you? In terms of yourself, in terms of your relationships, in terms of your family, in terms of your loved ones, in terms of everything. I from but there's one little one little vignette, one little nugget, one little stipulation. After this, yeah? We call the have a good day. Breathe your last breath. Yeah. As I lay in your bed and I find it it's a non-starter. The guy is a sugar now. Fine. Why? Well, why? I don't understand. So, you say what's a joke? I did that, BUT YOU WILL SAY THROW EVERYTHING AWAY. I DON'T NEED ANYTHING. YOU SEE PEOPLE ARE READY to go through procedures that are painful, very very painful, we all know. And sometimes for years, not for a few days. Old time you soon for what? For what? Taking away every single time to give in the world, every single time to give. Quality of life, mobility, freedom, movement, comfort, everything. For what? For one thing. What? To be able to hold on to this life. This is where you see what life means to people. This is where you see. On a regular day, what's the big deal? What's time to why you going crazy? You look for this time to give. He says, "But this is really where it is. This is where it is." Can you tune into it when you're healthy? Not when when a person is about, you know, facing the abyss and then oh my god, wow, life does mean something. Right, this is where you need presence. This is where you need presence. Now, of course, it's not so easy because we do take it for granted. It's just the way it is. Like, what's now? What am I supposed to do? Sit Okay, I'm alive. I'm alive. But But that's really that's really a a thing that's taking us away from it. So, that's what he's saying, to be present with this, to really be present with this gift. And it's not a khiddush. You don't need a mind map for that. Right? Cuz every living organism embedded This This is This is your God. This is God put into you. This is not You don't need You don't need a transcript for this. This is you. You know this. Everybody knows this in the depth of their own system. You could see how they'll behave when they're faced with the opposite. Suddenly, everything becomes insignificant. So, that's why he said all the tamugim in the world are ka'ayin. They're like nothing ligabe this. How could that be? Because you see in a moment when this clashes with everything else, everything becomes ka'ayin. On the contrary, you person will often endure every type of tzar just to be able to have the gift of life. What What What are you experiencing? Just imagine, right? I give you 50 50 seconds, 60 seconds of all the pleasures in the life, but it's going to be over. Yeah. Everything you want, everything you're thinking of, everything you're designed for is over. And then you realize that just the quiet kind of just being alive is really You wouldn't trade that in for Anything. Right. Being the integration, the quiet of every day just >> Yeah. Yeah. What about the olam haba? >> No, so it's it's it's it's so you know, it's counterintuitive, but really it is is the ultimate into it intuition. Because it's like everybody is searching for things, right? And everybody everybody is anxious about things. Each one of us in our in our personal lives, in our familiar lives, in our own psyche, every person. And as you say, here you're getting an offer that you're going to get everything, literally everything you've been asking for your entire entire life. Huh? Everything. Everything. Whatever you want. Yeah. Yeah. And this canteen is really a canteen where the world is yours. And that list is really coming true. But there's one condition that afterwards the person can't live, won't live anymore. They're going to die. And then it all becomes just a mockery, a joke, an insignificant an insignificant reality. And then the realization that that quiet what do you call it? The quiet regulated experience of living is really not just more significant, but infinitely more significant. You can't even put them on the same scale. It's of a different magnitude. What if the town of includes the life of the kids to be the most fulfilling and stuff like that. Wouldn't be a person to give up his own? In exchange for That they should live, you mean? They should live. experience hours of So, let's see. It's this is very this is very heavy because we get come so obsessed with what we need, all of us, and we we we we don't know No, who has time for this? What what are you bothering me? Pesach is coming. You know what? I have to do 100 things. Like what what's what's matter with you, Mishigas? But if if you don't stay in tune with this, everything else is just like chaos, yeah? Like bring it back to this. Bring it back to this. Something in our system doesn't doesn't like to stay with this. People want to commit suicide. They just don't want to be alive. >> Yeah. You have to If you're not, you have to push and thank Hashem every single moment. Yeah. Right? The fact that you're Yeah. Yeah. okay with living, just being alive Yeah. >> appreciate that. I want to be awake. I want to be alive. Yeah. I don't Yeah. Just wanting to be alive Yeah. is is a is a is is not crazy pleasure, but it is the ultimate pleasure. Yeah. >> And then you see also people who people don't want to be alive, they're they're missing that. Right. Yeah. That's why this ahavah so great. Because when you understand what is this love, what what really is it you you know what you really love? You love Hashem. That's what it is. So he takes the whole this whole ahavah. What are you really looking for? You're really looking for Hashem. That is what life is. We may call it breath. We may call it physical life. We may call it I'm awake. Yeah, fine. That's all the manifestation of it. What is it? What is a breath? What is a heartbeat? What is it? It's intangible. What does it What does it mean to be alive? What does it mean to be an alive person? The answer is I'm embodying the divine in me. That's what it is. You're not loving Hashem because there's some big creature who's very very big and he's he's stronger than you and you have to be afraid. This is life. This is the of life. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. On a deeper level, I mean, the animal obviously is it's not with the consciousness of of of but on the contrary, they just manifest it. They manifest it. They don't do it with reflection. They just are. They just are. But when the hen when the hen is looking for food or when the when the bee is looking for its nectar or any single living organism, the tree, the roots are looking for water, what do you essentially are they looking for? Embedded in there one of the one of the distortions of of of the whole world of uh of science is taking the miracle of every organism searching for life and to continue the life and just turning it into the most technical uh self-centered experience of survival of the fittest. But really, what is it? It's really they're all part of a symphony. The greatest privilege is to be alive and to channel it. And that's what we're doing. That's what they're all doing. The worm is doing it in its way and the lioness is doing it in its way and every tree, bush, shrub is doing it in its way. By the human being it could be the consciousness of what it is. But rooted in the consciousness of the source. This is what it is. This is what it is. This is what it is. This is what it is. Yeah, it is that itself and therefore and therefore he says the moment you know this is you'll see you're in an cuz the biggest is a of life. The love of life. And what is that life? That is a because it's real connects real connection with Hashem. That's what it is. That's the That's the That's the depth of because. So, what does it mean to be one with God in this level? What's ever? It's really cherishing and celebrating your energy. Your energy, that's what it is. Celebrating your energy, your life energy that Hashem is channeling through you. He's also channeling it through every through every single creature. So, it's a love of life. Like you said, it's a love of life. But, he started off with I love his life because that's the energy that I'm channeling. Like we see, you don't have the relationship with somebody else's life like you have with yourself. Sure, Moshe Rabbeinu was in that place. Feeling this, living it. And at 120, he was planning to go to the next world. When his work was finished at 120. What's the What's the Well, his life doesn't end Life doesn't end. It The form of life ends. But, it's that heartbeat. You're right. That heartbeat ends, you're right. And that's what he's saying. That's why people will let go of any other pleasure in the world just to be able to have that. I love his life. But, now comes a big question. Why in the world are you calling this a night? Why is this darkness? This is called night. We can you could stay You should stay We should stay here for the rest of our life. But, now that my memory goes, this is Layla. Now, here you see the deal. The Zohar says, I love his life by Layla is a very strange way of saying something in Hebrew. Why? Because it's you're you're repeating yourself. I love his life means my soul. I want I want you. So, it would be like in English saying, "My soul, I want you by night." You don't say that. It should have said, "I want I want you." I want you. Once you said either say my soul wants you or I want you. You don't say my soul I want you. So it should have said either Evischa Balayla or Nafshi Efsach Balayla. Nafshi Evischa is a sentence where you repeat yourself. That's what the Zohar asks. The Zohar answers and Alter Rebbe explains this in Tanya in Perek Mem Daled and this is the basis of this vort. That you saying something else. You're saying like this, not my soul I want you. You remember the Taich in Tanya? He says, you're explaining, Nafshi you are my soul and therefore I WANT YOU BECAUSE you are me. That's that's the vort. Not my soul I want you. Nafshi the moment you understand that you Hashem is my soul, you are my consciousness, you are my life force, therefore Evischa, therefore I want you. CUZ I WANT YOU CUZ I want me. I want you cuz I want me and you are me. A relationship with the divine means a relationship with the self, with the ultimate self. An embodied relationship with self is a relationship with Ain Sof. That is what it is. Nonetheless it's called Layla. Why is it called Layla? The heina efrish bein Layla v'Yom, what the difference between night and day is should be Yom where I am called over g'vishus l'meitosei. By day you see everything literally. What's the meaning of day and night? You say during the day the sun shines and you could see everything clearly. In other words, the truth of everything is apparent. The truth that's visible obviously to the naked eye. M'shechin b'Layla, at night when it's pitch dark, you don't see things. So you could stumble, you can fall, you don't see. You don't see the full stark reality of things. You can imagine, you learn from trial and error. So he says there's a difference between Yom and Layla in Avah. And those are the two Yichudim for love. The same is true also when it comes to love. There's the love of night and there's the love of day. What's the difference? In the love of night, there's love, there's tremendous light, but I'm still not seeing clear. In the love of day, everything is clear. What does this mean? The reason it's called love The reason it's called layla is because the love of nafshi v'sicha is not m'tzad etzem Elokus. It's not m'tzad the ein sof b'etzem. It's because what's connected to me. I love life. I love my life. Elokus is chayei nafshi. So, this is still called layla. Despite the fact that it is so powerful and it's the biggest taanug in the world. And it's ein sof, still it's this nafshi v'sicha is still a state of layla. Cuz what's the real nekudah? The real nekudah is I'm looking for self-preservation. I love my life. Why do I love my life? Cuz it's me. That's a stupid question. It's not a rational thing. And Elokus is me. So, b'meilah I love you. I love you. I love Hashem because Hashem that is my soul, that is my energy, and I love my life. Yeah. Yeah. No, so what's more than this? The love of yom is when the person experiences a heart of etzem Elokus. It's not the way. It's connected to him, meaning Elokus is good for me. It's good for me, which is also which is incredible. It's amazing. But Kiva Yaco, Kiva Yaco, I mean, I don't know if you could say this. That's that's more I'm using God. I'm using him. I- I- I- in the most beautiful way. I'm using him for life cuz that's the source of life. He's the engine. He's the consciousness. And I love my life. So, of course I love you. You are it. So, that's still called Layla. I'm relating to it the way it affects me. Here, to do it some at some of the cos. No, that's a Roy. That's what we call state. Yeah, that's day. It's not like a fish in the a love shall I go to type Roy. It's good for me, which means you you Ella cos is a it's a din in me. It's a din in me. Ella rates a at some Ella cos that's you. That's you. That's day. Come on Shama was a must say this is what I must say that. On the cos me Shama in the fact that When it says in the hill and I and Gimel Who do I have in heaven? And with you I want nothing on earth. So, that said I need to get in that act. Or begin in alien. He doesn't want not the lower not the liar not the higher not the same in the at some of this. I want you if we will man need that the lane. I want only you. This is you. I want you. We tell you. The higher with the TV by the column. Then in other words, the love of the column. I love you because you are my soul. That's my column. What's my that's the way it fills the world. It's the divine the way it becomes the engine the consciousness the spiritual energy that animates and vivifies and saturates every single in including my psyche and every part of my body and soul. That is a cos. So, he is the highest of all the there's Olam is When you're looking at a rock, you're looking at a Lakus. You're looking at a drop of water, a flake of snow, a bird, an insect, a mammal, a fish, a star, a black hole, you're looking at a Lakus, you're looking at a heartbeat, you're looking at a Lakus, everything is a Lakus. Mamalacha Olam. Chaya Shel Olam is the Chaya Shel the Olam. But like it says, we learned in the previous Maimuna, Alter Rebbe says, Lo Yizael Ikur Olam as Lakus Mashael Olam as Mesavev u'Memale. When we learn the different levels of Achaisa, Rayasa, Ainasa, Samasa, Lo Yizael Ikur Olam as Mashael Olam as Mesavev. This is called Layla. Because it's I'm seeing you the way I could see you through my lens, which means through the night lens. And how do I see you through my lens? I SEE GOD AS THE engine of the universe. NOW, THAT'S PRETTY POWERFUL, AND I'M IN LOVE with it. Cuz I love the universe, I love me, I love life. So, that's how I see Hashem, that's called Layla. It's filtered through the lens of what my organism is capable based on my deepest natural desire for self-preservation, for life. And that's the biggest tainuk. Yeah, yeah, and it's amazing, that's Nafshi V'Sicha. You're Nafshi. So, I appreciate I appreciate Hashem as Nafshi, as my soul, as my consciousness. In other words, as Mamalacha Olam. Comes Alter Rebbe and said, Meeli Bashamayim v'Chol Cheftzi Ba'aretz. Ich vill nisht di Olam as ich vill nisht di Olam habechun nisht di ganei eden v'lo ich vill nisht di nachri, ich vill nisht di nachas, ich vill mer nisht as dich alein. I'm not even looking for you to be my God. I'm not looking for you to be my consciousness, to be my source of life. Ich vill mer nisht as dich alein. I want you. I want you in you. Not you as the source of me. Which is amazing, which is incredible. He said it's an over the ocean. It's the Lila because the name of Lila and Yaima is at night I see things from a certain perspective. Yaima represents complete revelation. So relative to the over of Yaima this is called a darkness. Relative of course. It's not so dark. The first level is not so dark, let's face it. But relative to the Indian of Yaima even God alien could be a distraction. I'm not seeing you. I'm busy with me. But I realized who I am. So therefore I'm busy with you. I'm busy with you because I'm busy with me. But the relationship with you that's the Indian of Yaima. That's not the Lila. That's what he says. The party is in after. The first hour is the hour of higher miss. You love the worlds and therefore you love interesting. The is it a love of life or is it a love of you? So he says it's both. The means it's a love of the worlds and specifically it's a love of yourself. Because everybody channels differently. Your is not mine because means it fills the vessel and your vessel is not my vessel. So everybody has a different column. That's why no two people can have the same experience of a sham. Because every vessel is filled differently. The way you experience a sham as your spiritual heartbeat and your physical heartbeat is never the way anybody else experiences it. And if it is, there's something missing. It's it's unique, it's individual, it's very individual. Even though it's collective, it's still individual. That's all she said. I'm not going to say the beginning of the world. The hour of Yaima is beyond the world. Oh It's even higher than the highest level of reality, which means the infinity that encompasses the world, because that's also connected to reality. It's just called reality, meaning it's not integrated within the limit. It transcends it. Even higher. The level of Yem is reality itself, the essence. What can make in the fish? If you go to the soul, what is it? I love I love you not because I love me. What's what's more than that? What's more than my love for me? What's more than that? We just said that for life people will give everything. There's something in the core of the soul that wants reality itself. The soul wants reality. So, you'll say, "Why? Why? If reality feeds me, I understand. I like you, God, because because you're me. I get it. I like me, so I like you." That's the first thing. Exactly. And and not in a not and not and not in a negative way. There's something in it for me, and that's the source of my life. And we said a person loves life more than anything else. So, therefore, I really love more than anything else, 24/7. That's all and that's all. And that is the that the soul wants reality. Why does it want reality? Not because of a benefit for itself. Because it is reality. So, it wants reality. It's not with a and a reality that it's going to I'm going to get something from it. It's because that's who it is. The soul is one with reality. It wants reality. That's the beginning of Yem. Yeah. What do you mean? Yeah, I love being. I just want you. If you want me to be alive, I'm alive. I don't even allow life to be to become a distraction. Even life, if you want me to be alive, I'll be alive, of course. Yeah. Really alive. It's surrendering everything. It's surrendering everything even the the most noble definition of life. Why should I surrender everything? What are you going to be left with? Isn't everything just to be able to have something? That's the usual uh Madregas, that's the usual equation, right? I'll give this all up cuz I want this. I'll surrender this cuz I want Olam Haba. I'll do mesirus nefesh cuz I want a higher level of shleimus. I'll give up this cuz I want a higher madrega. That's all layla. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So, you're saying by Layla still there's applicable Yeah. I am the life and that's some kind of measure >> Yeah. of life or whatever it >> Yeah. There is no it's beyond the measure. >> Yeah. Yeah. You can't even uh You since there is no measurement there is no Yeah. can't relate to it as as Yeah. anything except uh Yeah. Yeah. This is it. Nice. Interesting. Yeah. So, the first pain of the first Madrega Nashi Vasiha Balayla is extremely profound. Why is it then called Balayla? It's called Balayla cuz there's still something in the Emes that he's not seeing. Like he says at night I don't see the full truth. Why don't I see the full truth? Because basically I'm seeing truth in a very real way, the way it relates to me. I'm seeing it through the lens of experience, of self. Which is not bad in any way. In fact, The world was created as It That's the That that's life. It's zero but that's That's the nature of an organism. That that's what life is with Layla. I'm experiencing it through that way. In in in in the words of the Mima, I'm experiencing Hashem as the life of the universe, specifically my life. And that's what real self-love is. That's what healthy self-love is. Healthy self-love is not ego. It's not confrontation. It's not narcissism. Healthy self-love means recognizing that the self is a manifestation of Ain Soph of Hashem. That is what the healthy self-love is. And that's why self-preservation is a mitzvah. You're not preserving your selfishness. You're preserving the godliness that's being channeled through you. V'cha'yiv ba'hem v'lo yash'yamish ba'hem. You're protecting your energy which Hashem is channeling through you. And that has to be protected. It needs to be protected, cherished, respected. And when you do this to yourself, you could do this to others also. I I I I'm saying this cuz this is very very important to understand not what nafshi v'sicha b'laila is. And still it's called la- still it's called laila. There's a darkness. What what what's the what what is the darkness there? What's the darkness? You're talking about a Jew who's experiencing avas Hashem in a tremendous tremendous way. And remember, we're talking here about experience cuz this is about yetzias Mitzrayim. It's not about golus Mitzrayim. So this is an experiential experience. Because sof kol sof, it's b'laila, it's through the lens of the self. And it's due to the love of self. I love my life and I know what really my life is. I love my energy. But now we are the the emes is the atzmus. Includes my energy, but it's not defined by my energy. Yeah. Avada atzmus includes my energy, but it's not defined by my energy. Yom is there's a real clarity. You see the full emes. And the full emes is atzmus. Beyond the mala and beyond sovev. So when the Alter Rebbe says mimi b'shamayim v'mimcha l'chafetzti b'aretz, ich vil nisht denken anein, ich vil ich vil men is das dich alein. The Alter Rebbe said, "Even in Gan Eden you can be distracted." Yitayfus. The Alter Rebbe in his swarm speaks a lot about Gan Eden. He says that's not Where is atzmus? Not in Gan Eden. Not in Olam Haze. It means don't get distracted by the Gan Eden of Gan Eden, by the Olam Haze of Olam Haze. Make sure that you're in Gan Eden, but you're looking for Atzmus of Gan Eden. You're in Olam Haze, but you're looking for Atzmus in Olam Haze. Cuz I could be in Olam Haze, but what's better than Olam Haze? Naim Ziv Hashchina. You can't get better than that. Naim Ziv Hashchina, like we learned in the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch. So, it's I'm Menachem Mendel Schneerson. Pras is a prusa, a fragment. He says, "I don't want Atzmus. I want a piece of God, so that I can hold on to it. I can find myself there. If you give me everything, where am I?" So, I'm looking I'm looking for you I'm looking for you because I'm looking for me. I want to find myself. And I know the real self is you. There's no other self. So, it's really coming from my love of self, my love of life, and that's amazing, but it's still an inyan of life. And then there's Etzem HaNefesh. Etzem HaNefesh wants the whole truth cuz it's connected to the whole truth, cuz it's one with the whole truth. In other words, Atzmus. It wants Decholen. Who's Decholen? Decholen is not defined by you as my energy. It's not Decholen. And until Etzem HaNefesh doesn't have Decholen, it's never content. Not because it's looking for Madregah, cuz cuz I want Atzmus. I want it on my resume. You went to Gan Eden Tachton. You went to Gan Eden Elyon. AND I MADE it to Atzmus. NOW I GET THE TROPHY. You understand? We always think another Madregah, another Madregah, another Madregah. And even if it's not selfish, it's tachlis it's tachlis you're looking for the emes. You're looking to the emes of Madregahs. Another shleimus, another perfection. For me, one person's life is challah. For another person's life is kugel. For another person's life is classical music. For another person, it's literature. For another person, it's mathematics. And for another person, it's spiritual energy. Huh? And for the other and and and and for the and for the most authentic person, IT'S LIFE ITSELF. It's life itself. IT'S LIFE ITSELF. I'm we we we you're not going to get more than that. And yet the soul is still feeling a void. Because the soul knows the emes of everything. And the emes of everything is that the ain sof is not defined by anything. And any madrega and schlemos is going to be another distraction of it. This is not It's not This is not Don't hear judgment here. It's reality. He's not judging. He's not judging anything. He's not judging. We're talking about yetzias mitzrayim. It's beautiful. It's amazing. It's not judging. Now the rebbe didn't look at say, "Oh, you want gan peda adam. Peda adam. Peda adam. Peda adam. Come here. I want you. I don't want gan eden." Sometimes that's the worst gehenna. In other words, let's face it. If you don't experience this, atzmus can be a gehenna. It's not Not a madrega. Fine, you use the Like you said, you're rebranding. Instead of using the word gan eden, fine. The chabad they found the word atzmus. You should go ahead. Same thing. You're looking for your gan eden. I'm looking for my gan eden. You call it atzmus doesn't doesn't change it. It's It's fine. It's Put it You put a different label. You know, the companies put You put a different label and it sells a little better. You're cheating on avaya and you came up with atzmus. Exactly. Exactly. You're cheating. Yeah, you Okay, we don't use the word avaya. we use the word shine. Thank you. It's sophisticated cheating. Yeah. EVERYBODY'S LOOKING FOR I'M LOOKING FOR YOU AND WHAT'S YOU? I'M ALSO LOOKING FOR I DON'T CALL IT I CALL IT YOU. OKAY, SO IT sounds more more more romantic, I guess. I'm looking for you, you, you, you. It's it's a whole it's it's a different Indian. Not a different Indian. It's really everything. It's it's it's not even looking for in other words, it's not looking I should die. I shouldn't live. It's the whole lane. It's almost. So if you want me to live, of course, with all the way above. It's almost in every it doesn't look a certain way. It doesn't have to look a certain way. And with the whole lane you have everything. You have also the whole lane. It's not like it doesn't it has everything. But it's not reduced by it's not reduced to it and it's not defined by it. It's a good question. The fact that he says he will manage the whole lane. Woah, woah, he will You hear? I want. Woah, woah. There is more love here. There is more self-awareness and craving. I So there's I I want things. Oh, so we're back to square one. SO YOU ALSO I WANT THINGS AND YOU WANT THINGS. YOU'RE MORE SPIRITUAL than me, so you want nicer things. Okay. My taste buds are pretty brute, so fine. I want potato chips and and you want higher things. I get it. L'chaim ich nafshi mami This is what I want. You're going to give me fulfillment, right? But it's not that way. Huh? I'm not asking what he should have said. I don't know. You know he the Tzemach Tzedek we know this from the Tzemach Tzedek. How do we know this? Um he brings in the 30 720 Shulchan Aruch Orach Chaim the Tzemach Tzedek writes in in Derech Chaim Shulchan Aruch Orach Chaim he has a whole section on davening there. In Derech Chaim Shulchan Aruch so he says that these are the words we used to hear from my grandfather the Aitz Dveikus in the middle of davening. It was on a regular basis. It didn't happen once. The Tzemach Tzedek says obviously he witnessed it quite a few times. He said this is what we would hear from him in middle of his Dveikus and davening that this is what he would say. And he writes it out in Yiddish cuz the Alter Rebbe would start speaking in Yiddish obviously. And he even uses the the word the words that He quotes from Tehillim. But it's the words that he used the word madregah. Mernit. Mernit is is Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And even the Tachanun Tehillim Me Li Vashamayim V'Imcha Lo Chafatzti Ba'Aretz the way people tight the way Meforshim tightens who do I have in heaven? V'Imcha with you I don't desire anything on earth. So basically, right? In heaven I have you and on earth I have you. The Alter Rebbe is tightens that he's negating Shamayim as Gan Eden. And Eretz as Gan Eden HaTachton. And actually the way he said it in Yiddish was Ich vill nisht dein Gan Eden HaElyon. Ich vill nisht dein Gan Eden HaTachton. So the Rebbe was once medayek in a ma'amar B'chol Dor VaDor Yit'Allu Yisrael HaNevi'im we learned it I think last year or two years ago. He says eat this there's a concept of Gan Eden as dine Gan Eden. That's already a higher Gan Eden. And it's your Gan Eden. It's not even stam Gan Eden. And still he felt that this was layla. Because the emes is like this. When you say ich vil manage das dich alein, I want only you. There's the ich. Huh? There's the ich. Oh. It doesn't look a certain way. It doesn't mean back to what you asked. It doesn't mean that in atzmus you're not alive. Farkert. You're alive. You're fully alive with all your koachus, with all your faculties, with all your awareness, and with whatever you're doing. It's just there's nothing in the world that distracts you from the relationship with atzmus. Atzmus is not afraid of relationships. Atzmus is not afraid of a cup of coffee. Atzmus doesn't mean the world doesn't exist. The whole kavana of dirah betachtonim is atzmus in this world. Atzmus could be manifested in in the smallest, tiniest of things, but there's nothing that's distracting you from dich alein. Ich vil manage das dich alein means even in my desires, even in my feeling of I, I don't want anything but dich alein. I'm I'm not going to allow anything to distract me from the oneness and the relationship with you and your essence. What that looks like, it looks like whatever whatever whatever it is, that's what it looks like. Whatever it is, that's what it looks like. Huh? Yeah. Yeah, of course. It's like you're occupied by the shechina. Yeah, occupied completely. Dich alein and with no other distraction. In the first p'nina, I want my life. I want my energy. You are my energy, so I want you. Huh? Zog. I give up. What does now the What does this look like in Avoda? I give up. I give up. Yeah. So, let's see. What does this look like in Avoda? So, here comes a Huh? I never give up. I don't know what he's talking about. He said, "I got it. I got it." It says Vihinei, the last piece. Vihinei said that Avoda min Hakala Lakoved. The seder of Avoda is always from easier to heavier. You don't start lifting 500 lb. You start min Hakala and you go Lakoved. Umil mata lamaila. You go mil mata lamaila. Mil mata means I start down here and I begin to climb. That's the seder Avoda. It's not a dysfunctional It's not because of a problem. That is how Avoda works. Min Hakala Lakoved. There's no growth without that. If you jump to the Koved, you're left with nothing. It's not integrate. V'lachein, and that's why you can't have the Yetzias Mitzrayim by day if you don't have the TS of Messiah of night. If you start with our void of you in before you have the void of Layla, it's bypassing. It could come from a place of self-negation of self-hate of of of of self-loathing. Oh, I don't want anything. But who are you? You're not even a blimp of dust on the surface of infinity. So who is that the whole way? So you could end up with nothing. Just words, words, words, words. You TS of Messiah must begin with the beginning of Layla. You don't leave by day, you leave by night. You leave in a way where there's still Layla. It's still yet there's dark there's still darkness. Call it darkness relative today, but that is you TS of Messiah. Or the whole thing is that the whole thing is that after the whole thing is that the whole language of this first is the whole thing is that the lower level of this and only then could it be the higher level of this. The whole thing is that I jump to the whole thing is that without the whole thing is that it's completely not integrated and it can even be false and counterproductive and come back with a vengeance. The ego will come back to take revenge. You understand? You don't do this without my permission. Or the whole thing is that you're going to be TS of Messiah should be the whole thing is that the whole thing is that after the whole thing is that the whole thing is that First they had to go out by night. That's why it says it's Layla to go out and then there could be the complete by day. That's true. And that's why there's two phases. Why are the two phases? Because leaving what's leaving going from the brain into experience of love. There's two loves. The first does the love of divine as love of self. It's the ultimate self-actualization. It's the ultimate self-realization. It's yeah, I love myself. But I don't love myself, my ego, my stupidity, my my my survival, my my my fears. I look for the real self, which is the divine, which is also inside my fears and inside my smallness. It's all there. And that's what I hold on to. And that's where I stay at. That's where I want to stay. And that's this mitzrayim because experiencing that energy, experiencing that energy of Hashem's oneness inside of you, like we said before, there will be nothing that will be like that in life. To experience for 5 minutes in your gut and in your heart will Trump and and and be more important than 50, 60 years of knowledge. That's all I know. Only then can there be the day of mitzrayim. That's the higher level of unity. That's the beginning of your until you reach a space that's higher than night and day. In this it says night will shine like day. A place where even night and day confuse. That's what we're saying. Which is not doesn't have to be it's night night also becomes day. What's he saying here? This is can also be us. You understand? Night and day night and day is also us. Doesn't negate night. But you have to know that even in the beginning of the day even right in the beginning the first moment it says at night Allah Allah Allah Allah Allah Allah Allah Allah. And that's why don't underestimate the night. Even the first moment of night is really the whole Allah Allah Allah Allah Allah. In other words, don't feel it's a fake Allah. No, no, no. Even in there you have the whole Allah Allah it's just stages of how a person integrates it. The ultimate MS is already shining in the first step. The ultimate quite about to me already shines in the even though right now it's Allah and it's not Allah. BUT IN THAT YOU HAVE THE WHOLE ALLAH Allah Allah. This this this the way it evolves and it develops until the person fully integrates it. But even the first step away from Allah is already Allah Allah. Even though right now in my consciousness is of Allah. In other words, MS the ultimate MS of Allah is manifested even in the first step of redemptive consciousness. It's not like that this is nothing it's just one day you'll get there. No, no, no. The whole Allah Allah is there. Huh? MS it's in the Allah also. But in the Allah the person is completely alienated from it in their consciousness. You're right. It's him it's in Allah. But the person I'm alienated from it. What's Allah what? The crack open the the Allah. You remember it has no space we can the put in my mind it has no space it's not Allah. But in that no space like we did before the before the Allah you have the whole Allah you have the whole Allah. Even in Allah Allah Allah Allah. They say in 34 be a opinion that I told you this was said the middle of the night so there's a few places here in the footnote they said they missed they missed some points because the probably they have explained something about it I'm just saying the way I understand it but they wrote the explanation is missing when it was written. I guess they didn't remember It was It was a hard moment to record. I told you it was done after the seder. It was a 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning or whatever. So so so So so what do we have from this? What's the difference in avodah between the two the two types of love? The nafshi v'sicha ba'laila and the midbar chavatzei baruch. L'choidah, even the first p'nina is very very profound avas hashem l'avas hashem l'kacha. Ki hu chayecha. The p'shat is and then every person could see it in their own life. And I don't I don't want to I don't want to uh you know, it's it's it's it's very deep energies. I don't want to like bring it down in a way that would dilute it in any way, but it's sometimes good to give different examples that we could relate to it even in our own lives. Yeah. What's the p'shat is the difference between the two? In the first p'nina, um I I want you because I want me. So you are the ultimate source of energy for me. That's why it's called night. I'm not I don't see you as you. I see you through the lens of me. So it's like in a relationship, I cherish the relationship. I may cherish the relationship more than anything else in the world. But why do I cherish the relationship? I cherish the relationship because of what it does for me. Which is a which is beautiful, which is amazing. It just doesn't just enliven me and enriches me, but it it it it gives me life itself. And as we said, there's nothing like life itself. There's nothing Nothing comes in close seconds. So ultimately, I look to Hashem as the source of life, as the engine of life. But what's the baseline? What do I love? I love life. I love my experience of life. But I know what the real I don't want fake life. I want I want nauseated life. I don't want superficial. I want real life. So, I want you I want lava to make a real life. But really, you're capable of much more. When the Rebbe said manage the whole line, it wasn't just a negation. It was showing potential. It was telling you what you're really capable of. To put it this way, you're It's hard to say this. You're dumbing down yourself by thinking you're only enough to live a life. You don't know who you are. You're capable of a much deeper relationship. And if you don't have the deeper relationship, you're not going to be free. You're still going to be in this. You're going to be missing something very profound. Your soul is not going to be content. Why not? Because in the deepest place of your soul, you're not even looking for any form of self or life. The words I exist and I love that is very very very precious. Very precious. And it's important cuz if you don't begin that, right? If you don't begin with that, you have nothing. You have nothing. If you tell a child this garnished, there's only this, that's horrible. We begin with that. Cherishing your energy, knowing your boundaries, appreciating and that is is your life. So, that's the beginning. That's the site. But still, it's it's depriving you from who the real you are. Since the is us, it's one's us. I'm not really looking for self. And knew it immediately. He knew it in himself. What am I looking for? I'm looking for the whole truth. You alone. What's that? You alone? That level of dick, that's a lane. It's not the that level of dick that is a lane. That's what you want. Not because you don't like yourself. Not because you hate yourself. No, because you really like yourself. If we'll I want to tell you something. The if we'll of the altar rebel was stronger than any desire of any person in the world. Really? Why? HEY, YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE DESIRES. It was deeper than any desire. Because you like yourself more, not you like yourself less. And you're not going to deprive yourself of of of everything. But it's not because I like myself. No, because you really like yourself. Because you're atsmos. SO YOU WANT ATSMOS. IT'S THE DEEPEST DESIRE IN the world. It is not even defined by life. It's defined by endless bliss the way it's experienced in God himself, and that's who you are. And then there's no husband. It's not because I love me and a sham serves. Now you actually you see reality as it is and that's what you want. You don't get distracted from that. And how does it manifest itself? Whatever it is, it's manifest itself in. That's your But you can't get to your end without Lila. You can't get to your end without Lila. And in everybody's life it continues that way. And that's why the altar rebel himself and many my monument will tell you what Gan Edenism and what hell Why you talking about these things? You just said there's the hell lane. Cuz it's a Cuz that's how it is. They say that the star shows us is not a joke. Say that the star shows us is not a joke. Throw away a tiller's breed you cheated SAY THE HELL LANE FIND CLOSE ALL THE BOOKS THE HELL LANE. THAT'S A JOKE. Cuz it's not a relationship then. The whole point is that there's a connection, there's a relationship. Atzmus wanted a relationship. If Atzmus is everything, de charein, so there's no relation, so there's no ikh, so don't talk about it and and bechlal. Like I we once learning, right? So ein od milvado, ein od milvado, ein od milvado, there's nothing else, nothing else. So I asked the question to the oilam, so how's that all to be saying a ma'amar? I'm sitting and I'm saying a ma'amar and I'm telling this to you that I thought I don't exist. And of course the answer is ein od milvado doesn't mean that you're not here to say the ma'amar. Ein od milvado means that is the truth of what's happening here right now, right here. Now, the way you could see it, and this is what I want to make this last point, is the way you could see it in a person's life is sometimes we build we build up a spiritual life. The way things are supposed to look. And in a good way, not in not in not in in in in a healthy way, in a beautiful way. Well, avas Hashem Elokecha ki hu chayecha. You want You want a beautiful, meaningful life. And then God throws a curveball. As long as I'm stuck in layla, it can really throw the person off balance. Ich vel manish das dech allein, I know we're not in the beginn of the Alter Rebbe, and we shouldn't think we are, but it's applicable to every person. There comes a moment where you say, you know what? I actually don't need anything. If you really know yourself, you don't need anything. I want to say something to you. This actually changed the way I understood Chassidus. The Rebbe was once farbrenging on Purim. I heard it on tape. It's the same farbrengen that he spoke about the yichud nifla, the day before the tza'ascha mitzva. And he said over this dveykus, this The Rebbe would say over from the Alter Rebbe this very, very often. And he would often cry when he said it. And he said this over. And he said it so he touched it. And the way he touched it, it's it's it's it's I got something that I didn't understand before. He said the Alter Rebbe was saying, yeah, What is the tachlis of a Yid from a Yid? Where is the place that a Jew needs to get to? So I heard when I heard the words, I heard again where you need to get to. And then he said, and that means that that is who you really are. He just added that. And that means that is his atzmus atzmius. And that's why of course he's going to get there cuz anywhere else he's not going to be who he is. And then I understood the Alter Rebbe wasn't describing a madreiga that you have to get to. He was describing who you are. Period. When all the blockages will be gone, when everything will be removed, when everything will be opened up, when we're going to crack open completely, when the egg will be cracked into a billion pieces, and everything will be as is yoim, everything will be clear. What are you going to see? You're going to see ich vil men es das dich allein. That's what you're going to see. But we have to work through blockages cuz if we don't work through blockages, then it's not integrated. So fine, I believe it. It's not it's not really it's not ich, it's not ich vil men es das dich allein. The only person WHO CAN SAY ICH vil men es das dich allein is cuz I know my eye, I've been there, I worked through my eye, and I'm telling you this is who I am. AND THE DESIRE THERE IS DEEPER THAN any other desire. It's even deeper than the desire for LIFE CUZ THE DESIRE FOR life is a desire that is infinite. No question, we'll give away everything for that. But it's coming from the finite organism who cherishes life. But that whole energy is a finite creation from the infinite. Now it's it's a big one, we love it, we cherish it, it's what we're all about, but realize that atzmus is is is atzmus. The whole creation is a dimension is a machshava is a nekuda. And the soul feels it. And therefore, what do I need? I don't I need nothing. What do I need? I need you. Which is me, which is essence. That's what I mean. So here there's no expectation. Here the person could be fully present in every moment of life. If I build my life around a certain spiritual structure, which is nice and good, and we live that way cuz a person should live in an organized way. And my relationship with Hashem is I love my life and I love my energy and I love my relationship and I love my spirituality and I love who I am and you should. And that's yetzias Mitzrayim and enjoy every moment of it. It's it's a certain powerful powerful frequency. But then there's moments in life where it's like, what? Boom, it's a curveball that everything is shaken up, everything. Even your God, your everything we build, suddenly it's what was yetzt. So now two things can happen. Either we lose the plot. Anger, resentment, alienation, depression, cynicism. Which is back to Mitzrayim. Close the heart. Cuz like I had this deal with God, like you were supposed to be the good life. You were the You were supposed to be the GOOD LIFE. I INVESTED in you cuz YOU'RE THE BEST LADDER, YOU'RE THE BEST GAME IN TOWN. YOU'RE THE BEST GAME in town, that's what we say. From all the games, you're the one. You're the team that has won 5,000 years and therefore I invest in you. And suddenly this is the team. I bet all in this horse race. Look at this horse, a shlimazel. Boom, I'm done with the horse. Now you go look for another horse. I'm making it a little grob, but you understand the nekudah. That's called looking for Madregas. God was working for me. He was working for me. Pun intended, he was working for me, working for me, and working for me. You understand my pun? My brilliant pun? God was working for me, which means he was working for me. I'm the employer, he's the employee. Now, I know there's levels and levels and levels. It's not always so grub and stupid, but you get the nakuda. If one minister said to him, "I am yours." means you know, I actually work for you. I work for you. Oh, wow. Okay. So, I'm good. I work for you. I'm good. My home is to use you. Not you the way I interpret you. You was you. And that's who you really are. And And you don't need anything else. It's not because you're a dead zombie. You really don't need anything else. Because that's the real The real doesn't need anything else. Doesn't want anything else. And it's fully alive. And this doesn't take away the person from presence. On the contrary, layla kayam yair. Even in the first nakuda of layla, it's it's in every moment. It doesn't take you away from anything. It's not like, "Oh, well, now I can't blow my nose anymore. I can't I CAN'T DRINK WATER ANYMORE." NO, I know you No. Every breath is that, too. But the Rebbe's maiseh here that even in the first nakuda of layla, you already have the whole nakuda. In other words, MS begins in the first step. Even in the first step of going into a deeper form of self-awareness, you already have the batzma cuz that's where it's going to lead to you. You hear the word? When people get upset, people sometimes in their journeys they have to deal with very basic basic stuff. He says it's fine. The first moment you have the whole batzma. As long as you're you're not doing this from an from a from a selfish, egotistical, contaminated place. There's a genuine sincerity in your work, even in your first moment of going out of your You already have the line. Of course, it's going to take time to to grow the muscle and develop the muscle and integrate and all that, but you already have it. So, you don't have to be in my bottle. That's the his offer the last part. Yeah, in other words, if it's genuine, it's it's it's good when we're not afraid of first steps. We're not afraid of first steps. Yeah, it's nothing which is nothing. It's not nothing. It's not nothing. It's not nothing. The guy does 5 minutes of of of a genuine conversation, it's not nothing. Don't don't be in my bottle. Okay. At this point, I think more words will just uh complicate things. Everybody have a wonderful day and a beautiful day. Be as you wish Thursday, we will begin a minor another minor for Pesach Thursday morning. Tomorrow, we have a woman's class. And Thursday, we'll meet at 8:00 a.m. Have a beautiful day and a beautiful week. Yes. Huh?