Off the Derech: Where Did We Go Wrong?

the yeshiva.net first of all thank you so so much for giving me the privilege of being here with you on such a powerful and charge day the day in which all of us really become a piece of jewish history you know sometimes young people ask me interesting questions and somebody once asked you know what do i need this headache three weeks nine days tisha buff leave me alone i'm living in the 21st century these things happen 2500 years ago 1900 years ago 2000 years ago life has moved on and i shared with this young man i said i know superficially it may look like you know i can't eat meat and i can't drink wine and today is a fast day and all of the limitations and halach is connected to tish above etc but i said i just want you to see the other side of it and that is this is a people that's been around for more than 3 300 years and when we were reading echa last night in shul i was thinking to myself and then i shared it with my little boy who was sitting near me and i said you know year miya navi was a prophet who lived through the last five kings of judea observed the khurban in 586 before the kaminera or 3338 in the jewish calendar and he wrote these words he literally wrote these words at that time and here we living two and a half millennia later reed gather together sitting on the ground without shoes with the lights dimmed with the parotis removed with a sense of melancholy reading these words thousands of years later who cannot feel moved by such a connection by such an eternal living link that after so many so many so many generations through persecutions and savage suffering and unfathomable pain not only are we here but we continue with vibrancy the story the narrative the heritage the faith the resilience the fortitude the vision the perspective and the celebration of daily jewish life that all of our ancestors lived for and died for and yet we keep on going strong and we ask ourselves where is navulhadneza where is titus where is vespasian where is caliglia pompeii tiberius andre adrian where are they where's pyro where's turkmedia milanitsky alfred rosenberg eichmann himmler stalin where are they and the answer is they are all in wikipedia that's where they are you can check them up right now we are the jewish people the tiny minority that each of them tried to decimate completely where are we and the answer is we created wikipedia together with google and facebook and some other major social uh technological advancements and we edit them we edit you can go in and you can edit the entry for vespasian and titus and the vukhadnatzer this is the day when we can vividly reconnect and become a continuous chain of that jewish history there's a lot of sadness and pain in it the kidneys is never easy to read especially the last segments that were added a few decades ago for the six million victims because in tish above we already you know pack it all in all of jewish history is there all the blood all the pain all the tears all the sobs but also the greatest celebration of hope and faith in the history of civilization as every single jew today who i met said it should be the last tish above in gallus next to shabov everybody should be in yerushalayim not only my friend singing from the a casa for real but everybody should be there sannes le cabez golia cena and i really want to thank brooklyn jewish experience for their incredible work all year and for giving me the privilege and supposed to address all of the hundreds thousands tens of thousands of people gathered here throughout the day throughout the day to strengthen each other and thank you brooklyn jewish experience for everything you do for all of hashem's children kiru of kravim and kirov khaikum shalom shalom lara kharif somebody asked me you should have said first la carre of the famous question shalom shalom and i said i'll tell you my little take on it sometimes it's easier to say shalom to the roche than it is to the karat the one who's roche who never had a negative experience never felt anything negative okay you got to bring them closer the karaov the one who's you know the booker the one who grew up as they say the one who grew up in a strong jewish community and then becomes distant it has a unique challenge and you reach out shalom shalom you say shalom and for that may hashem give you and all of us the curses to be able to continue each of us to be an ambassador of the reborn shalom in this world to bring all of his children boys and girls from all walks of life and all backgrounds no matter their experiences their home and anything that they have endured to be able to bring them closer to their loving infinitely loving father in heaven the shrina their father and their mother who awaits us you eloquently said a few moments ago the embrace you mean the embrace of every single hidden asham every single jewish soul one of the most powerful insights i've once heard came from the bianca legolinsky famous margaret from benebrach who said that he heard it from the stipela gonzaga and the stipler shared with him the following incredible and charged insight and he said i want you to think about he told your bianca oh i had a beautiful idea today and he was excited and he shared it with the biancolor golinski who then shared it publicly and this type of gone jacob karnevsky said as follows he said i want you to note a fascinating narrative that our sages acronym of rocha describe about our ancient history and the greatest of our patriarchs the third one jacob jacob traveling he escaped his father's home because of the wrath of his brother and years years later he would tell hashem kibbe makli of ardias hayardin i crossed jordan only with my stick and now i have this whole amazing family that i built in lovan's home and rashi says yitzhak couldn't give yakov a couple of items besides a stick come on when avraham sends you it's hooked together when he sends eliezer together for you camels the whole tuva doing of abundance of assets and money rashi says he gave him ashtar matana a document a d that proves that the news daughter-in-law is going to have access to everything now yitzhak sends his son yaka for a had a couple of dollars he can't give yakov something a stick he walked with a stick so rashi famously quotes the madrish our sages teach that yaakov went with a lot of money to love and just as yitzhak when he was about to do a avraham gave him everything what happened was alifah's yitzhak son pursued yaakov and he caught up to him and he said my father commanded me to kill you to murder you and you know in aesop's family kibadov was critical it was very important so i have to kill you so yaakov sat down with alifah's and he said let's have a shear and he gave him a shirt in the daring where the gemara says a poor person is considered dead take all my money and i'll be considered that i'm dead so two things will happen i will be considered dead you have fulfilled your father's commandment but on the other hand you didn't kill me and rashi says because alifah's because grew up in the bosom of yitzhak therefore he listened to yaakov he could not get himself to murder him in cold blood he took all of his money to fulfill the instructions of his father asap because kibadah was killed off tati said i gotta kill yaakov he took all his money and indeed jakov arrived to love on penniless broke keeper makkali of artis ayad ask the stipe i want to think about this rashi says alifa's grew up in the bosom literally on the lap of eliphas ace of already married women the deposit says were deeply upset by the wives that ace have chose because they would smoke up to aveda yitzhak knew that ain't shamed hashem's name now asap has a son elephants and we know in parishes by islam how these children of asap came about there was endless incessant adultery as rashi describes alifa's himself would behave in the most promiscuous promiscuous way there was promiscuous and immoral relationships with everybody including with mothers and daughters and as rashid describes him and he would indeed father a little boy named amalek and yitzhak knew all of this about alifa's and he was a grandson he wasn't even a son yet he kept him on his lap friday night as yitzhak was singing his mirrors and saying over terror from avraham avinu saying over terror from who would become one of the great troublemakers a mischievous boy the apple did not fall far from the tree and the next apple did not fall far from the tree and yitzchak kept him on his lap he did not throw him out of the house he maintained a relationship with him and a warm one he didn't just give him a room in the attic and say leave me alone lock the door we'll send dinner he kept him on his lap but hey krishna maybe he felt guilty a little bit who knows maybe what happened with your small maybe he felt this is the right thing but it was a failure it was a failure nothing happened with alifa's look what happened he became the father of amalek and then you read at the end of ayushna you see all this news he was involved said the stipler he says you always have to know the second half of the story yaakov avinu is running away to lovan's house elifa's ascent he's dispatched by his father to murder yaakov avinu and he abstains you know why one reason because he sat in the bosom he was raised in the bosom of yitzhak said the stipe lagann imagined if yaakov avinu would have been killed at that moment the jewish seed would have been decimated for eternity this is before yaakov got married there's no children all of claudius rolls existence till the end of history we owe to the fact that yitzhak did not give up on alifa's he did not expel elif us from the house he didn't throw him out of his life of his community of his family of his tradition he was makiravim he stayed close with him he kept him right there on his lap did ahlifas become the goddalhadorn but all of jewish existence owes its endurance its life alpiteva to alifa's decision at that moment i cannot take feter yaakov's life i can't take uncle yaakov's life and i would just add if i may if you open up a safer eve i think it's chapter four chapter six elephants money is one of the friends of eoif who comes to console him and talk to him after the terrible losses of iv and alifa's start speaking words that are incredible profound recorded in the tanakh rashi says where did alifa's become such an eloquent speaker from when you know why because he grew up in the bosom of yitzchak one day ruach hakoides dwelled on elifas one day he became a conduit for divine inspiration and thus stipler said to the bianca we have to learn from this how is hook thought and how we ought to think and i say this to you my dear friends as we address a topic that we all know is very personal very relevant and very painful the theme that was allotted to me is off the derrick where did we go wrong and i want to share with you and say something that i think is very important and that is i want to give all the parents of claudius roll a standing ovation join me to give yourself if you're a parent if you're a mommy or a tati i want to give you a standing ovation to all of the parents of the jewish people because many of you have seen tremendous challenges in recent years and yet you continue to learn and to grow and to ask questions and to search for answers and to search for ways i know some of us are dysfunctional i know some of us suffer from trauma i know some of us have made big mistakes and we all have to mend our mistakes and learn from the past but oh but all in all i say to you all of you at the brooklyn jewish experience and all of you who are watching i get every single day not 10 and not 50 and not 100 emails and many of them are from parents searching to become better how do i talk to my child how do i inspire my child how do i bring back my child many parents i would say all of us are struggling with questions that when we were children we didn't remember that we had to struggle with these questions as i said the other night my grandmother was not a neuroscientist before she had children she did not go to neuroscientists to learn everything about brain development and what you say and how you say it and what you don't say and how you discipline how you don't discipline and how the brain works and how the brain learns they didn't know for thousands of years our parents didn't know about neuroscience today we are confronted with the situation of many many children who are not finding themselves in the derek and the derek hamitz what people like to call the system there's this expression called otd the first thing i want to give a special yasher to the mothers and fathers with messier's nephesh and with tenaciousness and endless love and commitment and sacrifice and a lot of pain are asking are searching they're going to seminars and workshops they're going to shi urim and websites they're reading books and swarm they're trying to learn they're going to professionals and therapists some who help them and some who don't help them and some will make it better and some will make it worse and some who are effective and some who are ineffective sometimes those who are extremely successful and the opposite as well and yet they go they go to the abandonment they go to mashpeem and mechanic and rasheshivas and communicators and thinkers of all forms and styles some better some were some amazing some not so amazing some experienced some inexperienced but searching searching hashem such a big to be able to be better mothers and better fathers it's an incredible incredible thing that thousands hundreds of thousands maybe millions of parents searching what's the right way what did i do wrong how do i how do i make things better congratulate yourself you're allowed i know maybe it's not a jewish thing guilt guilt guilt www.jewishguild.com but i want you to be able to to give appreciation to yourself that's number one a few points that i think can be helpful to all of us it's so important like we learned from the stipler we may not have the perfect answers but ardera cannot be so narrow to have to cut off and sever our bonds with our loved ones despite disagreements despite pain there is a lot of pain and i'm gonna ask you to acknowledge the pain and you could cry for the pain there are parents watching now and you know the pain you have been through it's it's it's serious it's deep it's powerful it's potent give yourself applause but also allow yourself to feel the pain and yet despite all the pain do not sever the cords in the large majority of cases i would say 99 percent of cases i'm sure there are few exceptions but i think in almost every single case the decision to disown a child proves disastrous and let me tell you something the pain of your child not living according to the standards and the values you so deeply cherish and you so deeply wanted to bequeath to this child is deep but it pales in comparison to the pain of losing your child forever of cutting your child out of your life and saying you're not mine anymore and this home is not your home do not do that to yourself i have not long ago before corona traveled to a community i spoke about this topic of charlatas a father came over to me in tears he's a balchuva many many decades ago he had a boy a teenager at the age of 16 or 17 he dropped out of yeshiva he wasn't interested anymore and he started to behave quite mischievously and he abandoned the path of shalhonara and this innocent father went to get advice from people who i am sure meant well and the advice that they gave him then around 35 years ago was make an ultimatum if he doesn't shape up ship him out throw him out of the house if you need change the lock so you should not get get back in he'll learn his lesson he'll come back home and he'll become a good boy the father told me i did that my boy left the house i haven't spoken to him in more than 30 years he never came home he never called and he never accepts my call a few years ago i find that i found out that he married out he married out of the jewish faith he says to me nobody knows this but in more than 30 years i have not won i have not had one night of sleep he looked at me he held my hand and he said why couldn't you give this speech that you gave here at challenges 35 years ago i had nothing to say i had tears in my eyes i told them 35 years ago i was eating cotton candy there's above garrett what am i supposed to tell i am not judging anybody i'm really maybe at some point it worked i don't know if it ever worked but i say to you sometimes it's important to help your child get a job become independent move on with life but to sever the chords you're not mine you're an embarrassment armas bacha you're not part of the jewish people addicts i say to you with love and no judgmentalism that in 99 of situations that pain will be far worse than any other pain in the world i'm going to remind you an incredible teaching of ghazal every year when i learn it again these this time of the year i'm shocked i'm startled you all know it because you learn it every year but we don't really internalize the message it's right in the beginning of parties rashi says at the end of march's life the last five weeks he decided to do some good old taika he's going to rebuke the jewish people maisha the last five weeks asks rashi why did maesha decide to do this right before his death he said he learned it from somebody who did he learn it from yaakov yaakov rebuked his children when right before he passed away yaakov summons his children come together and i'm the person who was supposed to get yesterday yesterday is the gift of the gift of kahuna he chastises reuven for what he did so many years ago after ruckel passed away when he interfered into the private intimate life of yaakov and leia asks rashi why did yaakov wait till his death why did he wait to share with roover and how pained he was by what he did by his death you know what yakirashi answers yaakov told rooven beneath my son you know why llama you know i didn't rebuke you all these years i was afraid shall i say like i was afraid that you're going to abandon me and you're going to become glued you're going to cleave and become dover connected to my brother asaph therefore i did not say a word could you think together with me about this statement in rashi quoting the madrish i am not giving taiwan to all these years why because if i do he can get insulted he can get angry he could say okay my father doesn't like me my father doesn't approve of my behavior you know what i have an option uncle asaf will welcome me and i would add something a little deeper rouvey and asap have a common denominator why they both lost their birthright ace of sold his birthright and rauvin had his birthright taken from him and given to yousef there is shared grief there's shared grievances ace of enrollment would be fine with autonomous reuven would find an empathetic ear in ace of rashid says he's going to go and become davokin asap wow here's my question if jacob was really suspicious that this can happen to ruvain why chastise him at all if you give him muslim now also he can run to asap is it because he's an older person if you're so worried at any point he's going to run away from you the ace of what happened now i think the answer is quite clear in rashi's words rashi doesn't tell us why yaakov didn't give him musser all these years he says what yaakov told her even why didn't give a muslim suddenly had a realization for 48 years yaakov kept his mouth under under restrictions of communication yaakov put a zipper on his holy mouth not to call in his prayer and say my tired one of the twelve shvatham shifted they were all sadiq they're all mentioned she says even after the mistake of it 48 years a half a century yaakov did not say a word to ruvain that would bring out and accentuate something negative that happened why because he may feel my father doesn't like me my father doesn't approve of me my father doesn't validate me and he would go search for an ace of an asaph to become a hostage of asia instead of yaakov that would be the choice and when yaakov told us today he realized for 50 years my father kept this pain inside and were not communicated not to lose me because he understood my emotions that's how sensitive he was that's when reuven realized who yaakovino was now i understand why mitosa is why none of yaakov's children left the derek your small left ace of left not yaakov says let me know why so semester has an incredible insight to use a yeshiva language it wasn't a din in this bottom it was a dining yaka if it's not that yakiv hit the jackpot and all the kids went through the system graduated high school with honors went out to straw learned in yeshiva came back it was awesome wonderful shidduch married them off an option once asked a rabbi what do you do for a living he says i do three things for my community i hatched them i matched them and i dispatched them it's not that yaakov hit the jackpot everybody came out perfect mitosis was a dining yacht if it's how he saw his children he saw each of his children as a divine diamond he saw each of his children as a helicopter he saw each and every single one of his children as a huge gigantic soul on a shama manifestation of the rebounding shallows light in this world of hashem in this world to change the world to the better he knew that each of the children is different different has a unique schliches a unique trajectory a unique destiny a unique disposition unique gifts virtues challenges joseph needed a special excitedness possum a colorful tunic because joseph would have to engage in multi-colorful and diverse universe and world with which if you do not understand who you are you can easily disintegrate rather the shivatim who remained royatson shepherds because their avoid they had to be more in isolation and spiritual communion with the boy riolum yakov's mitosa he was shlaimer because he saw the powerful shlamos in every child and he helped each and every one of them find it discover it live with it excavate it accentuate it and bring it to the fore i want to my dearest friends say something else that i think is so important don't take things personal your children say things sometimes they're painful don't take it personal don't make it an ego game who's gonna win you don't talk to me like that sometimes discipline is very very important i'm gonna get to that in one moment but wherever the right thing to do is don't make it a personal vendetta and a personal convict you're a parent and these children are not your children they're hashem's children hashem gave you these children as a gift as a gift he gave you diamonds in order to polish i don't own these diamonds my responsibility is to do whatever i can to help these diamonds shine but they're not mine i'm a partner with hashem they're his children you could tell that to hashem they're your children now give me the kaisers i need to help your diamonds polish get polished but don't take it personal it's not a personal insult against you and a demonstration of how bad you are and what a failure you are when the neighbors are going to say that you have no nachas and there's not going to be good shidduchim and it's going to be a stain on the families don't go there you're going into a a petty narrow place this is not a personal issue you want to ask yourself what is my schlitz today what does hashem want me to do today to be able to help this child that's the question you ask one more thing don't make decisions based on social conformity don't sacrifice children on the altar of social acceptance that neighbor or that uncle or that aunt or that cousin or the bob of the zadeh who don't understand what you're going through don't know what is happening in your family and all they can do is have a comment what the that's a pastor do not sacrifice your children on the altar of somebody who doesn't really care about them saying something flattering make decisions from a place of ms from a place of authenticity from a place of polymeous another very important thing is it's important to distinguish where your children are in the course of life if i can give a sad metaphor there is stage 4 cancer through stage 1. it's not the same treatment sometimes a child is in a certain place where everything has to change all of your previous notions have to be suspended because this kid is in danger this kid is what we call stage four spiritually or morally and here you need special type of advice of how to deal with it but there's other stages and you can't compare ages you can't compare stages it's extremely important not to understand that at certain stages loving discipline is crucial and important and powerful children need it the famous metaphor is that i went to an amusement park and i went into the roller coaster and i fastened the seat belt and indeed i was trying to undo the seat belt not because i wanted it to come apart i wanted it to be strong sometimes our children test the seat belt not because they want to destroy it because they want to see that they have parents who really care about them and care about their consequences but not from anger and not with impulsiveness and don't be impetuous and infuriated from a place of inner connection inner wholesomeness inner strength today's children are very very honest very honest hypocrisy superficiality does not work we need to give them a very deep deep deep disguise we have to be very honest with them authenticity to today is the name of the game and we see today that any form of dysfunction and toxicity is being vomited by the young generation it challenges us to go much deeper into ourselves and very often you should know your children are here not only for their own sake that's true but they also help us become the people that we are supposed to become when your child is really really challenging you instead of decomposing and breaking down and losing the plot take a deep breath relax nurture your body and your mind and your soul and then from a place of serenity ask yourself what can i learn from this this child is going to trigger awareness and if we remain open to the opportunity if we remain serene during the challenge the destruction of old patterns can become the renovation of new paradigms we can have an expansive consciousness the destruction of the second base hamiktash is also the renovation of the base hamikde one door closes and another door opens the corbin of one level begins the binion of another level our children will help us become much better much wiser much deeper much more authentic much more real much more loving and much more godly where yiddish must be not superficial and just cultural and nice and cute and you know part of the kahila life but it's really it's real it's a relationship with hashem that is real that is deep that is authentic where we appreciate our mitzvahs from a place of a much deeper premise it's not just i'm a robot and i have a contract and i fulfill the contract i do the right thing and one day i'm going to get rewarded but really to understand the kihim kayen va here is are the tools that a creator of the world gave us in order to live a life that is aligned with infinity in order to live the most powerful blessed life in the world in order to be able to become and embody that life in which i am an ambassador of infinity in this world in this world to bring infinite life and infinite light and infinite goodness into any situation and every situation such an important idea is we got to believe in those children never ever ever give up on a child never ever despair of a child and don't think that yiddishkai is so fragile and that their neshama is so fragile that you have to go into the spear you have to believe in yiddish guide more you have to believe that if this is really hashem's blueprint for life don't think it's so fragile it's not so weak maybe it's weak by me so i have to strengthen myself we have to strengthen ourselves and believe in their soul their souls are big their souls are divine you got to believe in them through thick and thin do not stop believing in those children so that they should be able to believe in themselves i'm going to conclude with a story i recently read in a book by my friend srili besser about the legendary educator rabbi david shrinks who was a celebrated mechanic and rebbe and teacher and lover of yiddish and taught for many years and led to school in adelphi or new jersey and he shares uh i just read it a few days ago and it was it was such a moving story for me and i want to share it with you he says one day in yeshiva the boys started to discover that money was missing just a bunch of petty thefts not crazy amounts of money you know a dollar here and two dollars here and 50 cents here and you remember in those days a quarter you can accomplish a lot with a quarter and even a dime is not nishkin katla kanye and even a nickel was not to be uh dismissed and this nichols was stolen a dime here a quarter here a dollar here five dollars here ten dollars here just a bunch of small and petty thefts and finally there was a pattern emerging after some days and nights more boys and more boys realized that any money they were leaving around in their rooms and their pants and their jackets were being stolen by somebody so this is before the days of cameras in every room before the days of google maps and before the days where somebody knew where you were even if you did not know where you were and you were being tracked 24 hours a day seven days a week they conspired to try to figure out and make some on them to find the ghana vanderstatel who's the thief and indeed they cast their eye on somebody they cast their suspicion they did some investigations and it seemed quite obvious that he is the thief and they conspired together that one night after mayreef after nightsader they're going to go up to his room unexpected and they are going to search through his room and if they find the geneva they will physically beat him up they will physically beat him up teach him the lesson of his life not to touch other people's money during my rif david shrinks sense that you know you know you sense that this action yeshiva yeah right and any anybody who has a knows about kenneth you know you could sense the drama you could you could see in the boy's eyes that there's there's suspense it's going to be a levitic night in the dormitory so through his connections you know he's curious he wants to know what's going on and he finds out what the plan is he also finds out who are the boys whom all their money was stolen a lot of their money was stolen and he ran after mine if he summons this whole group and he says come to my house okay frank wants them in the house it's always geshmak to go to his house get some good food get some good nash he was a really loving and dedicated dedicated pedagogue not just a teacher but a pedagogue and they all come to the house he sits down with a serious face he says guys you will not believe what happened this morning you will not believe a boy came to me sat down and he says rabbi tranq i have been stealing money from a bunch of boys and i've been doing it for a while now and rabbi trang says i looked at this boy and i could not believe it he was the last person i would imagine would be capable of this but he said he was it he's the guy who took the money and he goes on for a few minutes describing this boy and he says and don't ask me who it is because i'm not going to tell you and i just want to tell you you will never ever ever in a million years guess that this is the boy never and after a few minutes of preaching this rhetoric this rhetoric giving over give communicating this message they actually started to doubt if they know the right person he said i'm telling you you could never guess that this kid goes i who knows these boys through and through never guessed it and would have never guessed it so i'm telling you you'll never guess it and i want to tell you something else he told me he said that he didn't keep a husband you know from this one i took 50s in this one i took a dollars when i took two dollars three dollars four dollars he didn't take a catchment but he feels horrible and he wants to do trover so he gave me this huge stack of money everything that he stole just one pile and he said please return it to the boys and rabbi tranq pulled out from an envelope a huge stack of money a lot a lot of dollar bills five dollar bills 10 doubles a lot of change and he said kevin all you all know what was taken from you please take the money that's owed to you and go home and take it and that's what happened and then he sent a message to the real perpetrator it would be a wise idea not to do these things again that boy the real ganov whose dignity reputation future and physical health was saved turned out to become an extraordinary student graduate of the yeshiva because a teacher did not allow a moment of a serious serious mistake in sin allow him to define and label that child but rather thought about long-term consequences about the potential of arena shama and saved his life that's called an expansive derek to embrace each one of our children until that great moment hashem will become a vivid reality thank you very much this class is brought to you by the yeshiva.net please help us continue the classes make even a small contribution at www dot the yeshiva.net donate