Parshas Chayei Sarah: The 10 Commandments of Marriage of Rav Avigdor Miller ZT"L

this tour class is brought to you by torahanytime.com welcome everyone purchase hi Sarah we uh welcome everyone to tonight's edition of the weekly parisha year and we're gonna do something a little different this week usually the shoe room are on the parisha shavua but we're going to take the Liberty this week parishesara is uh the first civil that we have in the hummus and it's a good opportunity to talk about marriage in fact with palm who gave his weekly on Fridays he would always utilize era of Shabbos to talk about him and marriage so we'll follow in the footsteps Israel and we're going to utilize uh tonight's year to speak about marriage um what I'm going to tell you tonight are not my own ideas they're not my own this comes from a famous year if not the most famous year of Victor Miller I had this when I came back from Earth Israel maybe it was um 2005. so I had the privilege to uh go hear share from a Victor Miller for about three years until uh until his patira Miller was a vibrant and energetic and Alive really until his last day and I remember personally um I remember walking to his shawl at the soifiamov and discovering that unfortunately it was not well enough to give the share this was maybe two weeks before his Patera and I remember that bitter day um well that one with Miller passed away and uh it was it was a big loss for me personally and for all of cloud Israel so we're going to speak now about the uh the famous sheer that Miller gave it's called The Ten Commandments of marriage now why do we say Ten Commandments of marriage what do Commandments have to do with marriage everybody knows when Hashem gave us the Torah he gave us as had their voice well the gemara says that a man and a woman if there's zoja to have peace between them the shrina resides among them which means which is good news because of the srina rests in the home when they're Shalom the good news is that on the onset of the marriage when the Hassan says to the kala under the he says the magic words you know well at least we know for that Split Second there were Shalom then that's one thing we know you know when he's looking her in the eye and that that magical moment there was peace at that moment so one thing we know is the srina was present when the Hassan says to the Kawa that means at the moment of marriage there were three Partners there there was the husband the wife and the ribonist and what we have to understand is that Declaration was not only applicable to that moment of kidushin but the goal is we want to keep it a Sanctified relationship throughout our lives now in the Torah viewpoint the highest status of uh sanctification is a person can live a married life bigadusha and therefore Hashem has to realize that a very important part of Hashem yes learning davening but proper relationship is a central basic fundamental aspect of avoidas Hashem so that being the case it's incumbent upon all of us to to work our hardest to preserve the kadusha to preserve the uh the sanctification in our homes and in our marriage well if if we uh use this train of thought we could compare then marriage to Kabbalah Satora and just like when God gave us the Torah he gave us 613 Mitzvahs but he gave us Asad you're going to explain were 10 fundamental principles that encapsulated these are not just 10 specific Commandments but these are generalities they are the umbrella principles of all 613 mid slice so too using this Paradigm and using this model maybe we could boil down the rules and the guidelines of marriage likewise to 10 fundamental principles certainly they are they do not preclude other ideas and other principles but the same way the Torah could be boiled down into 10 generalities perhaps Center of Miller says we could uh we could sum up marriage into 10 general concepts and uh maybe some of these ideas will sound surprising to you they may not be in Vogue or in style in a contemporary America but if you're and you want to take the advice of one of the great darling Israel and the advice of dastaira one would be very smart to pay careful attention to these 10 principles and if one is able to follow them and live by them then it will be good for you in this world and it will be good for you okay principle number one the first commandment of marriage the first commandment is be realistic mitsuosi be realistic do not do not anticipate that marriage is a glorious career of endless enjoyment if you have a fantasy that your marriage will be endless fun happiness sensation glorious glamorous then you're in for a rude awakening do not have big expectations the first principle of marriage is be realistic realize that marriage is exactly like life what is life life is like driving on the highway some highways are smooth some highways are comfortable some highways get you from point A to point B quickly painlessly and then there's driving on the Van Wyck it's bumpy it's painful there's traffic you're gonna have a flat tires there can be Nails in the tires Dr marriage is like life some days are good they're happy things are going well you're in a good mood you're getting along well and other days are miserable other days are terrible other days are painful those are the realities of life don't expect more than that marriage is just a mirror of life and if somebody has false anticipation that marriage is the elixir of all problems that's going to solve all your difficulties and all of your challenges then you're you're in for a rude awakening some days are you going to reach the heights of success and some days you're going to fall into depression it is exactly like life and don't expect anything more expect very little rev Miller says why you gotta do it that's why but Miller explains but Miller explains his follows what is life life is a series of challenges tests every moment of life every circumstance in life every encounter in life every relationship every person your boss your worker your garbage man your fireman your mailman these all of the encounters you have throughout the day the people you work with your father your mother your sister your brother your wife your children they are in this world for one purpose only to test you how do you interact with good people how do you interact with difficult people how do you interact with annoying people how do you interact with people who like you how do you interact with people that don't like you every interaction that you have in this world was prepared beforehand by the man Islam as a test and if you think you know what I haven't had any tests lately then either you're not breathing or you're completely missing the boat every moment of Life non-stop there are no breaks there's no there's no bin hazmanim there's no bin hashas every moment of life is a series of challenges to a person how will we react to the various aspects of life when a fire truck passes by it's a test what's the test you should think that if it's a yid I hope the ivanish helps them I hope the revolution saves them you let the fire truck go by without thinking anything you lost an opportunity how do you interact with other Jews what what's your attitude to other Jews what's your attitude to our bunum what's your attitude together Israel what's your attitude to people who are learning each one of these series of um phenomenon is a test for a person and the biggest test in life is one's wife how do you interact with her that will ultimately decide to a very large extent what your afterlife what your Islam will look like says of Miller let me give you an example here's a guy he marries a woman she takes care of the home she takes care of the children she does what she has to do but he's not satisfied he wanted to marry some kind of glamorous Sensational life and he's he's discouraged he feels bad he feels you know maybe he's settled and his mother's egging him on you see I told you I told you you could have done better you know you married beneath your dignity and finally slowly slowly the words of the Mother start to you know enter his mind and say you know maybe takai made a mistake what happens to the Miller the guy gave his wife I forget what did he do to her he killed her he destroyed her life he married a woman she's faithful to him she could have built up his house could have had children you know why he destroyed her and he destroyed his own life for one simple reason unreasonable expectations he thought that marriage is happiness and Bliss and he didn't realize that marriage is no different than life it has good days it has bad days it has good times and it has bad times and therefore the biggest destructive force in marriage is unreasonable Fantastical expectations says of Miller what does he think his second wife is going to be any better he doesn't realize that the second time around he's not going to get someone half as good as his first wife he has he's delusional he thinks maybe he'll try again he'll get something better like it never will be cesra Miller of course you gotta look before you leap you do your investigation you try to investigate as best as you can as they say look before you leap but if you leapt first if you took the leap and you didn't look then you're stuck you got to make the best of it and the first objective in life is be realistic whatever Revolution sent your way your macabo and you say this is this will be my success here's the story cesra Miller this woman marries a guy they told her you know he's uh the smartest guy in Lakewood turns out the guy's you know a little slow turns out she could calculate the uh grocery bills faster than uh he can and uh what does she have to do don't be discouraged don't sweat it don't worry it this is who the lunchtime sent you you can have a happy life together don't have unreasonable expectations here you have a guy the Miller talks about the classic case you have the Yeshiva guy and he's looking and he's looking and he's looking for the perfect girl and he's 21 and he's 22 and he's 23 and he's 24 and he hasn't met the perfect girl yet and he's 29 and he's 35 and he's 40. and then he realized he wakes up he's 45 uh and who does he marry everybody's looking who's going to be this Miss America that the guy ended up marrying after searching and searching and searching I remember the words with Miller used he married he used this archaic expression I don't even think people know what this means anymore he married a superannuated girl that means very old heavy face I don't think we even use that expression anymore she didn't get a mitzia to put it at least why he had unreasonable expectations and in the end of the day what was he waiting for what was he hoping for summer you get married the girl is shamitaro Mitzvahs she's responsible she takes care of the home she takes care of your children this is don't be unrealistic make the best of it and that is clown number one the most important claw in marriage is be realistic don't have high expectations okay that is number one the second commandment of marriage second commandment of marriage is like this and you're going to say this sounds far-fetched Nobody Does this you know not in Jewish homes so don't be delusional the second commandment the marriage is and I see there are a lot of bukram here it's okay you need to hear this it's never too early to prepare yourself the second commandment of marriage is never break the routine of marriage which means like this yes be realistic but the end of the day is they're going to be disagreements and they're going to be bumps in the road and they're going to be bad days and they're going to be times where you don't want to talk to each other you don't want to look at each other don't break the routine of marriage don't say that's it I'm not coming home for supper tonight don't make me suffer I'm going to go to I'm going to eat at this year wife says that there's nothing left when you get there anyway no I'm gonna eat up this year I'm not I'm gonna eat I'm going to Carlos and Gabby's tonight I'm not eating supper at home I don't even bother don't break the routine of marriage you sit down at the table you don't have to say a word don't talk to her you don't want to talk to her don't talk to her you sit down at the table and you eat supper you sit down on the table you eat breakfast I need money you don't want to give her money you're angry upset you don't even have to look at her you open up your wallet you need 500 I need to buy the kids shoes don't say you bought last week already no you hand over the money all the routine of marriage has to continue never stop the routine likewise she's not in the mood of making supper the Miller says no she's gonna stand at that gas range like the kahin and the base making the carbon Thomas tell me something about she doesn't have to say here is a wonderful supper for my wonderful husband she doesn't have to say anything she just puts the food down at the table none of the routines of marriage should ever be broken you're angry you want to ring each other's neck or worse don't break the routine of marriage never should a woman refuse to go to the nikvah Never Should the man stop any of his regular responsibilities as a husband nothing should be broken because ultimately through the routine of marriage things will come back together again but the moment you say you you're so angry you want to run away you go to the airport and you have a flight don't get on the airplane don't get on that airplane the moment you get on the airplane it could be bad news you could come back you know an hour later two hours later five hours where were you you don't have to say where you were it only cost twenty five dollars to get back from the airport don't say where you were don't say what you're thinking of doing get back into the house never lock the door don't lock anybody out don't kick anybody out don't send her to your tonight you're going to your mother's house you go to your mother's house tonight never break the routine of marriage no matter how angry you are no matter how upset you're laughing you say this doesn't happen yeah so either you're delusional or uh Hashem but this is these are the realities you could be angry you could be upset just do the regular routine you don't have to wanna you don't have to be happy about it you don't have to smile you could scowl you can make the dirtiest nastiest face in the world keep on the routine of marriage that is commandment number two again these are not my suggestions these are not my ideas this is a famous year of Victor Miller and I think we would be very wise to take this advice to heart that is uh commandment number two commandment number three the third commandment of marriages okay so you got into a fight make up as soon as possible even if it's not your fault even if it's not your fault it's her fault you say you're sorry right when every married person has to make the following decision do you want to be right or do you want to be happy it doesn't matter whose fault it is because it says in mishley you know what a fight is like a fight is like water coming out of a dam if you ever if you have a dam that's uh sealing up the river so if there's a little drop of water about to come through a crack so you say oh it's not a big deal nothing's gonna happen it's just a little moisture but you have to realize once the water starts to seep through then slowly it's going to trickle through and then it's going to be a rush of water there's gonna be a torrent of water and before you know it the whole dam is coming down the whole city could be washed away it's the same thing with the quarrel a word was said you're upset at her she's upset at you so you think it's not a big deal you know nobody has to apologize nobody has to make the peace no you have to realize that there's a crack in the foundation right now and the water is seeping through and what a person needs to do is if you're a smart man if she's a smart woman you make up as soon as possible they're going to be difficulties there's gonna be quarrels they're going to be challenges a smart person tries to correct it as soon as possible don't drop the plate in the first place but if you drop the plate try to put it back together as soon as possible because if you let it linger and you let it Fester then it takes on a mind of its own and it grows and it builds off of each other and it avalanches and it could be trouble so here you have a guy he did something bad to his life I'm not even going to say what because uh for certain reasons so now he's in big trouble so what does he do go to Manhattan go to the jewelry store yeah but it's going to cost you eight thousand dollars you buy the diamond ring she doesn't want to look at you she doesn't want to talk to you you hand her the diamond my guess is she'll take it that's you have to do what you got to do you got to make up as soon as possible don't let things faster don't let things linger that is commandment number three that if there's a fight if there's a challenge if there's a difficulty you try to correct it as soon as possible it's very hot over here yeah commandment number four there is a word in marriage it's a dirty word you can never say it it's epicursus it cannot be part of the Lexicon it cannot be in the vernacular and that is you can never say I want to get it's off limits it's not in the possibility it cannot ever be said the moment you say the words really so you don't like it so get rid of me divorce me yeah you know you do that again I'm going to divorce you you can never ever ever say that it cannot be part of the Lexicon you got to take it out of the dictionary cut it out it's also midaira you can never ever say those words under any circumstances it cannot be in the realm of possibility there's no such thing there's no such thing the moment you say the word get then the magic of mikadesha sleep it's not the same anymore even if you don't mean it even if it's in a moment of rage even if it's a moment of anger it's to say the words okay then we're gonna get a get can never ever be said don't even think it when you said those words and you stood under the Kappa and the to the are like in Dreamland and they thought life would be Bliss there's a certain magic at that moment that magic is destroyed the moment you say the word get it's not part of the Lexicon it's not part of the vernacular yeah as angry as you get if you need to go go out into outside bang your head against the wall 70 times never say the words that I'm gonna give you a get you know whatever you need to do turn on the bath put your head under the water whatever you gargle with salt water punch a punching bag take your teddy bear rip it up whatever you got to do don't ever say the words then I'm gonna give you a guess the moment you say those words the the magic has been broken that is commandment number four commandment number five of The Ten Commandments of marriage is be loyal now let me explain to you marriage has nothing to do with romance it has nothing to do with love it is about one word loyalty it says cling to your wife what does it mean to cling to your wife where else in Tanakh does it say vidavac it says that when Nami was going back to Art Israel with arpa and Russ so what did arpa do arpa kissed her arpa embraced her but at the end of the day arpa dumped her and she went back so kisses and hugs are meaningless but what does it say about Russ the Russ didn't hug her roasted and kiss her Russ was just loyal to her the foundation of marriage is loyalty Loyalty means you have to feel that you are responsible for the happiness and the welfare of your spouse which means you are ready to jump through fire and water to help her for her to help him and they have to be very loyal to each other sometimes in the family somebody's going to make a joke ah shrincey yeah Spencer doesn't know how to cook what sprincy is the best cook in the world you don't know what you're talking about somebody says a bad word about your wife you'll be the first to jump up even though you know it's not true even though shrincey could not cook for a horse doesn't matter sprintc is the best cook in the world her husband's a cousin the guy has such a bad voice every window in the world cries have to get shatterproof grass in the glass in the show no my husband is her husband's a rabbi he begins every time he talks about schluthen and like a coma no my husband's most dynamic speaker in New York it doesn't matter that's loyalty even though it's of the husband and wife will jump through fire and water to stick up for each other to be loyal to each other to help each other you say your house is a wreck your house is flying my wife keeps the cleanest house in the neighborhood my wife's the best the guy the guy is a wreck the guy's a schlemazel and a schlemel no my husband is a prince that's the media of loyalty it it has nothing to do with the romance it has nothing to do with love when you stood under the and you committedly you committed you committed to be loyal to each other you committed that in this world you're going to plow together the hard ground you can make a living together you're going to raise your children together you're going to be together in health Casa Shaman illness you're going to walk your children down to the khupa you're going to lie side by side in the ground like Father you're going to be together that is the fifth principle in marriage the principle of nemanos the principle of loyalty the sixth commandment of marriage is don't pay attention to words don't pay attention to nasty words you know sometimes the stress levels get very high sometimes you know it's a pressure cooker in the house and once fast is going to say something nasty to the other how do you react no not don't take it to heart you didn't hear anything she didn't mean it and you didn't hear it not that you forgot about it it didn't even enter your your ear you have to realize that don't take words to Heart they don't mean anything people are very uh nervous people are under tremendous pressure if the husband says what she belittled me she doesn't respect me no what do you want for he's gonna have a nervous breakdown don't pay attention to any words that are said it's kailu nothing was said you didn't hear anything but the gamara says like this Mario says a great clown the gamara says the gamara lucky the Sharma is a man who hears silent a man who could hear a bad word about him you're a slob you don't do anything good you never help a man who could hear a nasty word and not say anything is a lucky man a hundred evils will pass by him he Spears himself from a hundred evils person thinks what how could they say that about me you're a fool you shouldn't have heard anything nothing was said don't pay attention but it's my wife that's how she doesn't matter who it is don't pay attention to words that are said to you there are not meant anything otherwise you're going to say something back to her it's gonna downward spiral she's going to get upset you're going to cut her off she's going to get insulted and then says um with Miller so many times couples come to him and the woman's complaining there's no Shalom bias there's no Shalom bias so Miller says you know what's the problem does the guy the guy works yeah but does he gamble no does he beat you no he's showing my time misses yeah so what's the problem words most marital Strife comes from words and the sixth commandment of marriage is do not pay attention to any words they don't mean it they didn't say it make believe like you know remember there was a fish in Williamsburg and there's a supposedly there was a dead book and they had a call in the kobolum I I'm sure it never happened but they say it happened right so you want to believe you don't believe it anything that's said to you just imagine there's a book that came went into somebody's body and said to you X Y and Z if it was a fish you're gonna what are you gonna you're gonna strangle the fish it doesn't matter who it is don't pay attention to anything that anybody says learn to have thick skin learn to have slippery skin and just don't pay attention Miller says remember the case 19 year old kid it was tubishvat famous trial in New York he takes a group of boys from Yeshiva University they go to Madison Square Garden and they're headed into the stadium that was the first mistake who are they going to watch already you know the Rangers I mean come on right but anyway they're about to go into MSG and some goyans say you know mock the guy's yamaka so the guy's a fool what are you doing you know go ahead and say to you an insulting thing you run away as fast as you can but the guy thought the worst thing you could do you know people think I'm going to teach my kid karate so he could defend himself yeah do you think the guy's gun will be less you know impactful and because you're you're a little Jewish kid with a yellow belt knows karate so the Jew is what does he do he takes out a pair of nunchucks so the guy goes to his car takes out a hammer and busts the kid's brain open it's a famous case in New York so what happens it comes to trial in Queens Supreme Queens Gentile judge Gentile judge said this is not murder this is a criminal negligence and and she says you know what the courtroom is not a place for vengeance that that then where is exactly she pushes off the case for a year and a half meanwhile the murderer got five years probation so once a month he goes into the police office he says hey Mike he signs in his name and then he goes back and he pulls out the hammer again and does it again that's what the punishment was but if those Jew would have learned the gamaran Sanhedrin that says lucky is a man who hears something and is silent then when that guy said hey Jew boy what would he have done he would have gone straight into Madison Square Garden to watch the Rangers lose and he he wouldn't have even paid attention so that's the sixth principle the sixth principle of marriage is [Music] lucky is a man who hears words and is silent do not pay attention to anything that anybody says to you it's not their fault it's temporary insanity they're angry they're upset it's a long day the kids drove them crazy you drive them crazy whatever it is don't pay attention to anything that people people say to you even your wife unless she needs money then just give it to her the seven principle marriage the seventh principle in marriage is also what you can never ever say never say this one spouse should never say to the other I hate you you're angry you're upset it's getting to a boiling point never say I hate you because once you say those words then the Mystique and the magic of Lee it's already been broken like you just keep your mouth shut go back into the backyard bang your head again against the wall 70 times punch the pungent never say the words I don't like you and now let's talk to men now very important never tell your wife you look ugly I don't like how you look oh that's uh that's a no-na you're a Russia don't say that to your wife it's a dagger in her heart you're killing her you're killing her rev Miller says people used to he said even if your wife is 95 years old and she has one foot in the grave and she's Toothless and she's full of wrinkles she's going to be looking in the mirror she's going to say honey do you think I have more wrinkles today so if you want to get oil you say dear you look more beautiful today than the day that I married to you you say that yes even a woman of Miller says that she has one foot in the grave she's looking in the mirror she wants the she wants to look nice she wants to look beautiful remember Miller says people used to come to him a woman used to come to him and say you know my husband tells me that um the women in the street look better than you oh so how could you say that to your wife you know that that your wife when she walks in the street that's what they say about her so a person has to be very careful you see marriage is based on the attraction between the husband and the wife but you get older and the attraction dissipates and sometimes isn't there anymore you have to live your whole life with the illusion that they look the exact same way as the day you marry them but you say but it's artificial yeah you train your mind train yourself talk yourself into Auto suggestion you that your wife the husband and wife should be no Hague together should be together as if they're still on their honeymoon and this way they'll live by Shalom until okay commandment number eight the eighth commandment of marriage is as follows there's Apostles that says you should love your friend like yourself so everybody says who's that going on yeah I need to love the guy who to keep us through God like myself I will keep us around I need to learn to love that guy with the beaver hat like and I said no what are you talking about let me tell you is talking now is talking about your wife she's Jewish no she said yeah we hope is talking about your wife the gemara says you're not allowed to get married until you see your wife why because if you get married and you don't know what she looks like maybe you'll see her you're not gonna like the way she looks and you're going to violate which means that primarily the Mitzvah of loving a Jew refers to your wife and the Avera of hating a Jew refers to your wife a very important idea and as Robin says you know we have we have very strict avirus in the Torah hello Shabbos these are very strict murderers but if you take even a minor sin let's say you have a guy he's a lazy guy and on Shabbos he comes to shul and this week this mountain Karishma is 829 is the garage and one's a mug in Abram what does it say over there monkey no problem is 905 so the guy rolls into shul 907 he missed man Christian it's like he didn't wear a villain that day let's say he did it five weeks ten weeks he did it a whole year says it's like he killed somebody because if you take a minor Avera and you repeat it again and again and again and again each thread maybe you could snap and you could rip but you double it you triple it you quadruple it it turns into a rope which is unbreakable even a small minor Avera that's repeated again and again and again and again it's even worse than a so you could have two people you could have a guy who's a murderer and a guy who misses creation my every Shabbos the guy who Mrs Krishna every shot is likely the hit starfus and the combination of all his avaros could be worse it's the same thing with the Mitzvah one guy gave a thousand dollars to tadaka and one guy for three years straight when anani came in he gave a dollar a dollar a dollar a dollar a dollar who's greater who's bigger who did a bigger Mitchell the guy who gave a thousand dollars well a guy who gave a thousand times to a thousand different onion one dollar so it says it's not quality it's quantity it's repetition because the rambam says the more you repeat a Mitzvah you're kinda a good practice you're kind of good Meda the more you repeat in Avera then the Avera becomes part of your personality foreign and it refers primarily to your wife so that means if you have ill will to your wife and every time you come into the house you're angry and you think to yourself oh what a rashantha and you're at you're upset and you have bad feelings to her day after day after day just think about how many are violating on an hourly basis on a daily basis the person is in very big trouble however person has to make up their mind that no matter what they love their spouse and you walk into the house before you open that door you'll be very wise prepare yourself mentally um you walk into your house thinking I love my wife the morning in the evening at night three times a day every day a thousand times a year then you go up to shamayam and you're rewarded as a sadik why because this is the great principle a person thinks you know if a person could be a big guy in the shawl he could stand at the Bima he could stand at the podium and everyone thinks he's a holy guy and everyone thinks he's a Sadiq he must be very important every you know he's uh doing things for the seabor if he's uh robbed in at home if he's uh a tyrant at home then he's in big trouble primarily a person will be judged based on what he does most often and the greatest interaction and the most frequent interaction that a person has in this world is with one spouse and therefore a person has to think that no matter what I'm committed to be makayam this great Mitzvah toward my wife princy could you please pass the oranges don't command don't shout don't marry better yet you're not a get up and get the orange juice yourself water Sprints you have to get it for you well why is the husband sitting there on the table offering commands like he's King Henry VII get off the chair if you're 99 years old and you're half senile then maybe then Schmidt you could get a few otherwise get up yourself get the orange juice yourself get the food yourself and but if you need somebody to do it for you please she asked him could I have can I please have money for the kids to buy shoes she doesn't have to say please you already committed yourself you wrote her exuba they're going to support the family but she says please you know she's lubricating the relationship and he gives it to her she says thank you that's just that's part of the politeness and a result of the ninth principle the ninth principle is the ahafta principle number nine ready as we are for principle number nine principle number nine foreign and this is primarily for women but it applies for men as well and that is look good don't think yeah we're already married she knows me already and I could look like a slob I could walk around like a couch potato like a sugar like a no you gotta look good your relationship is very much affected by your outer appearance especially for women but for men as well you can't let it down don't look sloppy don't look slovenly make sure you smell good yeah it's okay nobody cares yeah they care they care I'm embarrassed to say it but you have to say it the outer appearance and the way a person presents themselves is very um is a very critical factor in the relationship and therefore the ninth principle is make sure your outer appearances are proper and that will be a important key in the success of the marriage and finally ingredient number 10 the tenth commandment of marriage is don't be a tyrant don't be a tyrant sometimes you know you're married a few years you're gonna sit back on the couch you're gonna demand you're gonna order you're gonna you know you know the joke the guy comes into the house and he says you know who's gonna bring me my slippers the moment I walk into the house she's looking at him and you know when I sit down on the table who's gonna bring me a cold glass of water and you know when I sit down who's gonna make me my favorite supper and you know well after I'm doing something who's gonna turn on the bath and she says yeah okay anyway don't be don't be a tyrant don't be a tyrant don't be a dictator and I'm gonna tell you something very important marriage is not a 50 50 partnership in the world they like you to think husband and wife it's a 50 50 partnership it's not a 50 50. the husband the man is the captain of the house but the woman is the first mate but if you don't treat the first maid with respect what do you have if you're going to establish trample on the first maid you got mutiny so you have to understand that the husband is a captain the wife is a first mate but they're both steering the ship together and they both have to be on board and if they both um are no egg to each other with the proper respect and the proper covered and the proper regard then the ship will sail to the ultimate goal and that is these are the ten commandments of marriage I will review them quickly in the end I'm just going to share with you a few details and then we'll wrap it up just a few important things what could a person do to ensure the security of their marriage but Miller would always recommend that when you get married and it's never too late you could be married five years ten years 50 years 100 years and that is you need to belong to a kahila and you need to have a rough now not everybody there are actually normal people in this world who know how to interact with each other but they're very few and therefore for person so hey pal what are you diving well Friday night I dive in here and Shout out this morning who's your rub I asked him who's your Rev Arava going yeah where does he live bar Park he lives there now no no he's dead now so it's very convenient Rabbi said to have a dead rough it's very it works out very well why because you know you already know the answers to everything and nobody could contradict whatever you say you're rough who's your rubber that's great you could go to uman but when you have trouble in your marriage is not going to come to be massager between you and your wife you have to have a rub that's alive that knows you and that your wife knows people like to ask it's important that a couple have a rub that they both respect and they can both go to and they belong to akihila why the vast majority of divorces are avoided because people are afraid my the guy sitting next to me in shawl what's what's the what's the Rope gonna say what's my neighbor gonna say what's uh what What's the show gonna say but a guy who's a floater he doesn't have any Shoal where do you die who's your Russia Shiva rashiva was the rambam it's not going to really help in your marriage if the round numbers it's very nice that you have the grudden Omaha learning so if you haven't spoken to Irish even in 20 years there's very little that Hiroshima is going to be able to do for your family you need to have a rub Arabi or a shashiva that actually you talk to that knows your family and in the back of your rev Miller and his show used to sell something called marriage insurance I don't believe in Miller's second kahila there were divorces or any divorces marriage Insurance simply means he would make it his business that the couple get to know the rough why in most cases what keeps people together is they're embarrassed of the seabor okay that's the first thing the second thing and make two more points and we'll wrap it up second thing is there is a false illusion in the world people make a mistake ah my husband my husband is my best friend no he's not my wife my wife's my best friend no it doesn't have to be you know in marriage you need transparency we have to be comfortable divulging everything yeah that's if you want to have a bad marriage it is not necessary to say everything you do not have to say in third grade I flunked math or I'm not good in math it's not necessary to tell your wife that you have fungus under your toenails she doesn't have to know that why does she have to know that for she should think that you smell like roses he should think she smells like roses it is absolutely never a good idea to devote any information about yourself that is compromising what she thinks of you you don't have to say that you weren't good at anything you don't have to say do not say anything that reflects badly upon yourself it is okay if she thinks you're perfect because she she'll know very well that you're not it is not necessary for you to confirm anything in her mind any information that reflects badly on you never divulge it so Miller says uh you know but but you're not being sincere with me this is not about sincerity this is about getting through life to go to the submission and the others speaks out that it is absolutely not a good idea to divulge all information yes if you went to show and you asked a good Kasha and the rebbe said you're going on go tell your wife the Ruby said I'm the next rubikiva but if you were somewhere on the street and somebody said you're a shaita it's not necessary to tell that to you right because the next time it comes up she's going to use it against you so it's working against yourself not necessarily to say anything that reflects badly on you and finally by the way any information that you heard tonight that you don't think that will go over well at home you don't have to say either this is just between me and you okay as close friends I'm telling you what's important for you to hear but again you know finally a very important part of marriage again it's not a matter of love it's not a matter of romance it's a matter of loyalty is kind words husband comes home he woke up early to dive in to get the kids off he worked the whole day the bus is annoying the bus is arrogant the boss busted his chaps he comes home from the subway his mom is like a shemata and um well the woman said what's wrong he says the boss said I don't do anything right huh I guess me and the boss have something in common right so it's a tremendous halac of marriage and loyalty is to use kind words in this instance she poured salt on his wounds she would be smart she would comfort him she would say oh he doesn't know what he's talking about you're the best father your best husband and obviously the other way around he comes home you know he's sitting at work drinking coffee all day he's you know on on the web instead of working he's sitting on the subway reading the paper for two hours after having a vacation for 14 hours he comes home to her she's chalishing away she's cooking the kids are driving her up the wall and he cut he comes home to a mess and it's a very big Nissan it's a very big test and his Mitzvah is this is not a matter of love not a matter of romance it's a matter of loyalty commitment you committed to be interested in her welfare you say you had a hard day I don't know how you keep it together it's amazing how you run this house you're doing a tremendous Mitzvah and you're fulfilling your your responsibility as a husband so we hope that um we could be makayaims some of these Ten Commandments will just reviewed very quickly the Ten Commandments of marriage number one be realistic don't have high expectations number two never break the routine of the marriage number three make up as soon as possible number four never say the word get number five loyalty number six don't pay attention to words that are said to you number seven never say I hate you number eight the mits applies primarily to one spouse number nine you have to make sure to look good and finally number ten don't be a tyrant we hope Hashem gives us the sekhal and the common sense to guide our homes and our marriages in a proper way we're able to preserve the kadusha that it started with when we said those words to bring the presence of Hashem into our homes and we should see tremendous for my families thank you everyone for coming have a wonderful night you've just experienced another Torah class brought to you by torahanytime.com