Parshat Chayei Sarah: A Wife for Yitzchak - Rebbetzin Tziporah Heller

[Music] so we left off Eleazar is looking for a wife for let's cook did he find one Housley find one yes if he spoke about what you're looking for he went some similar background no just go to a whole wrong country for that okay similar life plans who would have life plans that fit yets cook nobody even knows what those life plans could possibly be hmm we're left with only two things someone who we like and somebody to respect okay how is he gonna find that person so he did something that we can't do okay so I'm gonna tell you what he did and then I'm going to tell you why this will not work for us he prayed he said God the God of Abraham give me success let me find a wife for you suck who fits him and I'm glad I want to sign the first woman when I go to the will who offers to draw any water not just for me but for the camels that's the wife you make this happen okay why do you think this won't work for you this will not work for you don't do things like and if he gives a generous tip at the head like at the hotel I'll know he's a generous man why is this not going to work for you okay you have to be at a very high level of closest to God to have that kind of relationship because everything is mutual so if you live with God consciousness 24/7 like Avraham you could pray in his married and have things happen but if you're not then things are going to happen with far more distance and concealment so this is not how to do it but what you learn is how you could recognize but you learn this from the sign he selected he didn't say it if she was the first woman who wear size to has big blue eyes good posture let her be okay that's not what he said he didn't say the first girl who has an MBA from Harvard and who really looks like she's going to make it that's the one okay clear more the one from the one from the best family he didn't go for that in this particular oh where the main contribution get stuck who's the one who has the financial responsibilities remember not her/him yit's cook his struct his nature is structured in holding back to make him whole he needs somebody whose inner workings as the opposite no this flies in the face of what I told you yesterday which was to look for similarity so remember yes to be ended by saying that's if you're not so flexible these people were enormous ly flexible so I want to tell you what gives birth to flexibility when you have an image that's bigger than your own image you could be flexible so most people will do much better with somebody similar because and you see someone similar you feel validated by the way they talk by what they think and by what they feel so you don't have to change your validated you could be yourself that makes sense to you but if you're a spiritual seeker on the level of Y it's cook what do you want you want somebody will take you beyond your borders so for you go back to yesterday's model for yitzhak this was perfect okay but there were a lot of other things that were involved one other thing that's involved here is the validity of making signs so it says later in the Torah don't try to seek out your Mazal don't make you know well if a black cat crosses my path that means that I'm okay don't go there so here the reason why he's allowed to say I want a sign is because the sign he wanted wasn't random it had to do with the kind of person it's like would actually need so it wasn't like a black cat crossing your path which is a random event okay the next thing sweet travels he's going back to of Rama's birthplace because as we learned yesterday structure comes from ideas and beliefs which are changeable but the core comes from family comes from your Meadows so let yesterday so a documentary movie that I found very very very interesting the protagonist is why I think that the in the movie were more open with him they would have been with somebody who wasn't he went to death row and one of the Israeli prisons to interview the people who had done multiple murders and his purpose was to see how they perceive themselves that was the bosom it's a film that was put together by a psychologist and a psychiatrist but the interview was not a psychologist or psychiatrist he was just an interviewer and his job was to make them feel comfortable enough to talk to about themselves so there were two murderers one of them they both came from similar backgrounds absentee or non-existent fathers mothers who couldn't couldn't hold it together early age rejection one of them grew up in an orphanage one of them grew up with a family but was the reject of the family whose mother actually sent him out to steal at the age of eight clear they both ended up doing very violent very violent crimes one of them they give furloughs in prisons here's which I'll spare you my opinion on this but whatever one of them on one of his furloughs found a girl who likes him a furlough was like a vacation they give prisoners vacation yeah you've heard me okay don't ask my opinion I think what you think but this is the this is the system and the way it works is it keeps the prisoners okay it keeps the prison's calm because the prisoners all want vacation days and if they don't come back or if they do something wrong when they're away then they lose their vacation rights which to them is like a terrible loss so sort of works but I don't like being on the bus and not knowing that the person sitting next to me as a murderer but whatever that's my that's my own feeling okay totally unsupervised okay someone has to take responsibility with for them but that person doesn't have to stay with them okay so so in any case when he was on furlough a girl fell in love with him he's good-looking and she introduced her to her family he's a likable person and somehow he there's a religious entertainer called Benny Elba's is very popular in like the pops party scene who visits prisons so he got involved with him ditch Hoover got married in Cruz and got married and he basically is okay and they let it they reduced his sentence the other one like his totally uncontrollable has no has no way of knowing that if somebody crossed him said the wrong word that he wouldn't kill them and he's still of a thing so they interviewed at the end of this a very prestigious psychologist the head of psychology in Hebrew University this is a prestigious person and his main statement which I was I was floored cuz it really not it pulled the rug under so much of what's believed in the in the liberal world he says he could statistically prove the poverty is not a factor in murder the most predominant factor is an absentee parent so he said especially if the father is absentee there's almost a guarantee that if the mother is not a strong mother the child will end up a criminal he said and he like then he like spoke static language you know and the scible but that's true so why am I telling you this who I'm telling you this because the importance of a person's family can't be overestimated but what we're going to see is about rifka came from a terrible family so the quest is how did that happen okay clear so in real life don't look away from family but we have to see why the Torah is telling you to do so okay and in fact after he spoke it's mostly one more thing a psychiatrist another psychologist spoke she thinks because she's a psychiatrist that many of the impulsivity the inability to focus the inability to empathize is physical as psychiatrists always think things do physical and hereditary and she had a very hopeless view but even she said if you could introduce a strong father to the picture even by hanging his picture even if I said you know why you have blonde hair I don't have blonde hair as your father has blonde hair even that will give a child a sense of structure and coming from somewhere so if it was interesting but going back to hear people overcome their backgrounds people overcome their backgrounds people overcome their backgrounds got it okay so is it possible yes it's possible so the default is that you don't overcome your background but the reality is that's only if you don't try hard enough too so there are two ways that people respond to a bad background I'm not even using the word difficult I'm using the word bad one is by adapting what you see as your normal that coupled with the need to defend yourself the desires to have what everybody has okay could lead to a turret to a terrible life the other is to say either inwards or consciously this is what I don't want this is who I'm not and this is where I'm not gonna go so rifki came from the worst possible background you can't come from a worse background than she okay her father was a womanizer her brother's a thief but you see that when Eliezer arrived at the well what happened what happened next she offered him water I mean she was into giving in a world in which everybody is into taking that was a decision and people make these decisions and this is why the halacha is that even though you have to accept background as a default you don't have to accept it as the person self-definition okay so now at this point Eliezer sees who she is he introduces herself himself to her and he offers her he he says firstly he clarifies the family is this rifki okay whatever but after he shockingly here's who she is okay he's amazed why is he amazed what's amazing the whole thing's amazing that he made a sign and the side was fulfilled exactly that the girl came and that she did it all he is amazed and he's willing to say it doesn't matter this is the one it doesn't matter where she's coming from okay so what does he do next there remember he's acting as he talks representative okay so when he finished he takes jewelry that he had taken with her with him a nose ring two bracelets and there were heavy gold okay and he gave it to her what's that about why did he give it to her and why did she take it in another place where people if every artist of course you take whatever it's like an engagement so I want to take you back to the classic version of Harlech marriage so I'm taking you through the outside of halachic marriage so as we learned yesterday the best way to meet is through a third person you remember that okay after the couple meet and they decide they want to marry the next thing is having a formalized engagement so a formalized engagement is only a written contract people buy custom give gifts but you don't have to what does it say in the contract so it says be really married by a certain time people always make it much later than their actual wedding date so it's for sure it'll be within that time and we agreed to see each other as one and to be companionable and love and not to hold back anything from each other okay clear this it's a very romantic document okay here it is the week before the wedding okay enough how many of you recognize him okay so week before the wedding in Ashkenazi custom the couple don't see each other and only speak on the phone of this thing really important this is to increase their longing for each other and Sephardic communities they don't do this okay okay night before the wedding the woman goes to the mikveh in Safari communities there's a party afterwards a woman's party you know like they give her like women kind of gifts if you know what I mean like perfume and like nice nightgowns and like all of that sort of thing okay in the meantime day of the weddings so nosh canaussie custom they arrive at the wedding separately because they're not seeing each other and safaried weddings they come together and Israel you'll see this decorated cars you've seen them like with balloons and ribbons so that's for the bride and groom they get there okay now the serious part of the wedding begins an Ashkenazi custom it begins by what's called the by Deccan what is that the groom will come in and take the bride's veil and cover her face with the veil what's this about a to be sure it's really her no one's playing a rock alia on him no no it is her also in these ghastly wedding halls that they have in Tel Aviv and in Bnei Brak where you have like 10 weddings coming going on at the same time in different rooms you want to be sure yes this is the color from room 3 that's like it whatever okay but covering her face has to do with them affirmations you're not marrying her just for her facial beauty okay Spartan don't do this they go right to the copper so this point Ashkenazim in Spartan we'll both go to the chuppah what's the copper the copper is a canopy okay it's meant to represent the home and in earlier times during the engagement period the groom would physically actually build a home wouldn't that be nice if they would do that whatever but so this is this represents the home okay in Sephardic custom they do it indoors in Ashkenazi KUB custom they do it outdoors when possible because God blessed our friend that his children be like the stars of the sky next thing that happens so the bride and groom were under the chuppah together with their parents okay the rabbi begins the rimoni he begins by saying the prayer bar a pre hug uh fen and drinking some wine and let what's this about bori ography means thanking God for the fruit of the vine the couple are considered the fruit of Hashem's vineyard and next and this is what has to do with with what we're talking about now is reading the ketubah the Catawba is the marriage contract which unlike the engagement contract is not original it's not a beautiful poetic document people hang them on the wall and like have them illustrated and illuminated that's because they don't understand Aramaic if they knew what it really said that they were like it really reads like an insurance policy okay so basically is either groom unto take financial support of so-and-so the bride okay lots of stuff about where this is happening who they actually are so identity could be proven in fear if there's argument in future about the sum or about the identity of the couple okay he undertakes three things taking care of her food clothing shelter and taking care of other things that are viewed as necessities and the third thing is being aware of her sexual desires and being there for her on that level okay she is then takes possession of any possessions money whatever that she's bringing into the marriage meaning even if the marriage breaks up it's not divided anything she brings into it goes back to her so during the marriage let's say if she brings in a million dollars the interest on the million dollars goes to the marriage but the actual capital goes back to her okay and the groom signs by saying in order to fulfill my financial obligations to this woman so-and-so so-and-so so-and-so I'll recognize my responsibilities in this world and in the next okay and I'll take care of this even if it means selling the shirt on my back okay clear that's the last line of the ketubah that's why you'll see if she ever goes who know what they're signing because they understand may look like death warmed over they just signed shirt on my back and the bride looks like luminous and happy whatever okay now you know why so the idea of the man okay taking financial responsibility is solidified by at this point is actually giving her the ring when he gives her the ring she is married got it because that's the first fulfillment of the conditions of the ketubah his giving her okay so the fact is our custom now in the you know you know our current time frame is that he gives a ring but he can give her anything of value okay clear it just has to be his okay so now why is Eleazar giving her jewelry he's saying I'm acting on behalf of yet hook he would like to be your husband this isn't a statement of wanting to enter a marriage that was at the fulfillment of this no so I have to step back in earlier times the marriage ceremony took place on two different occasions so one occasion is where the gifts are given etc etc he's good okay he's giving her an undertaking her support and the next is they get together again and there's a whole party and then they go home together so the first part was called key Duchenne and the second part is called knee suing today we do it all in one ceremony so after the wedding party they go home together in Ashkenazi custom after the ceremony they go into a room to be alone called Euclid so I want to put in the very legend to rest no they don't culminate the marriage in the ulid room of the well the guests are eating breakers and the blue and you know and the band is playing oh dear Shama but they're together like you know they have there's usually food set out for them and so you know some wine they've if they're religious then this is the first time they have physical contact with each other they'll kiss whatever but then they rejoin the guests when they come home later in the privacy of their own heart look it got the picture okay not in the wedding hall okay so safar them don't do the euclid at all because they think it's an unnecessary formality because the couple is clearly not culminating the marriage so they go right from the club into the party which is so safar D anyway okay okay got it okay so this is what's happening so the idea there is in the marriage there are two main roles his job is to give her job is to take what he gives and build with it he's the provider and she's the Builder okay this is clear okay so this is also why in Halawa Judaism there's no double ring ceremony why wouldn't there be a double-ring ceremony because she didn't undertake to support him that's why so even the religious men sometimes wear a wedding ring especially if they work in the secular world just to avoid what random flirtations and other you know other things that they don't need or want but it's not part of the Hellenic wedding ceremony okay clear okay so now he says who are you tell me and yes centers you're in your father's house is there a place for me to stay over so she says I'm Batu Elle's daughter which no dad made him good okay and but he b2l is the son of Milcah and Milkha is the son of Nahor and the is somebody who some of you may remember Alfred had two brothers one was Quran and the other was Nahor now Horus the brother who was not interested in religion who was not with him he led the trial by fire okay so who is rifka to get stuff what's their relationship they're cousins okay so she sets him there straw for your animals and there's place and at that point when he saw the extension there's still further extension of her hospitality he bowed down to a shaman thanked him for having done this miracle certificate runs home tells her brother what happened the brother sees the jewelry okay now be him enter a whole different headspace is he going to welcome Eliezer or not Oh welcome welcome he embraced him he hugged him he was feeling his body to see if he was carrying a money pouch okay clear when he kissed him everywhere it's Friday and this far deeper world even take men do kiss he was sort of feeling his cheeks does he have gems hidden in his mouth he was like this was lovin this is what she grew up with okay clear okay and in fact the Midrash says later why didn't love and want to know this his plan was that Eliezer should mysteriously died of poisoning in their home and then of course all of this money would go to the bereaved cave a bereaved girl and her family okay so he found poison he put it in the food that he offered Eliezer but Ellie as I said I don't want to eat let me tell first tell you about my mission so he never ate the food but an angel switched the plates so later what b2l the father ate of the food and that's why he's never heard of again and he dies but get sucka difficult live happily ever after okay there's more to this parsha to be meet tomorrow great because we have the end of the part is very dramatic okay so you have to go there [Music] [Applause]