Privacy Without Shame: A Jewish Take On Relationships | Elimor Ryzman (2/2)

The second thing he told me, which I really I I think it's one of like the greatest pieces of advice um that I've ever gotten, and I and I use it and think about it. He's like, "Listen, your kids, they're going to see you fight. They're going to see you argue. Kids are smart. They pick up on the energy of the home like this. They're going to see you fight. Make sure that they see you laugh and dance and sing and hug and kiss each other. Make sure that they see the pot. They're going to see the the the fighting. They're going to pick up on that. Make sure that they see the dance parties and the laughter and the hugs and the kisses. Make sure they see that too. And that to me was very very important piece of advice. Hello there. I'm Tanya Kazanov and you are listening to Human and Holy. Before we get started with today's episode, I am so delighted to share that we are hosting a human and holy women's open mic night in Jerusalem, Israel on Mot Shabas, December 6th coming up really soon in the month of Kisslave, the month of light. It is going to be a beautiful evening of connection, Torah, creativity, community, and I'm so excited to meet you, connect with you, hear from you, share with you. It's just going to be a really special night in the holiest city in the world, my favorite place on earth. I cannot wait to meet you and gather with you in this way. There's a link in the show notes to a WhatsApp chat called Human and Holy in Jerusalem where I will be posting all of the event details like the location and time and things like that. So excited to meet you. If you live in Israel and for sure if you live in Jerusalem, do not miss Human and Holy open mic night December 6th. Another quick piece before we get to our introduction is an invitation to you to hit the follow button and if you already have, leave us a rating or a review. It's a small lift from you, but it really supports human and holy in our growth and continuing to bring you deeper content every single week. Thank you for being here. Thank you for supporting us. Today's episode is part two of two of this conversation with Elliemore Riseman about Tara Mishbaka, family purity, and a Jewish perspective on sexuality. Part one aired last Sunday. We'll include the link in the show notes. I encourage you to check that out if you haven't yet. In part one of this conversation, we defined tarsambaka, family purity, the challenges that could arise in the periods of separation, navigating religious differences around this mitzvah, and a Jewish perspective on what sexuality is. In today's episode, part two, we are discussing the differences between shame and privacy, and how to experience privacy around this mitzvah in ways that are born of dignity and not shame. How to teach our children around these subjects with directness and without shame. what the cost is of being too strict in areas of tars mashbaka, family purity, our own sexuality, and how it can breed disconnection and resentment in our relationships and how to navigate it if it does. We discuss how to determine which community path to follow around the more more sensitive nuances of this mitzvah and perspective on our own sexuality and how to differentiate between past relationships and the sacred union available for us within a marriage relationship. Lastly, we speak about the divine intentions available for us. How to call out to Hashem and experience Hashem in this incredible opportunity for connection. And how to see our sexuality as the biggest portal for the divine and Hashem and a real spirit of unity to penetrate our own selves, our own homes, and always the entire world. Thanks for being here. Let's get to today's episode. When you describe the woman, a stranger effectively asking you that question once you heard you were a college teacher, it reminds me of a therapist on an airplane who doesn't want to say what what their profession is because they know that there's so therapy session. So, as a college teacher, also proceed with caution, especially if you're an open and like, you know, like open book. >> Um, but you mentioned how how unfortunate it is either if they have been wanting to do it and haven't or if they've been doing it and experiencing shame. I'm wondering if you could speak to both of those points. Why do you think it's important not to experience shame in your sexuality with your partner, with your spouse? And what is the cost of wanting to do something and just totally avoiding it because you feel that it's wrong, even if there may be space for you to do it? >> Okay, so shame. Let's talk. I think that >> it's so important to there should never be shame. There should never be take the shame part out of everything out of the bedroom. sometimes like I remember in the beginning when I when we got married >> I don't really like to talk about my own personal thing on camera that's more that's more of a that's more of like intimate class things that I that I bring up but I remember like like in the beginning parts of marriage like with sex and whatever I'm like this is so weird like telling Rafie like isn't it so weird that like Hashem wanted like two people naked and like I would have this conversation like and it's not it's like so bonding and beautiful. And you know when my daughter asked me, I was walking her to a Shabas play date one day and she as she was 10 years old at the time. She's very like advanced for her age, this specific daughter of mine. And she's like, "So, how do um babies get born and don't tell me like Hashem puts the baby there?" And I was like, "Oh gosh." You know, like what did you hear? You know, and I am very very open with my children. I, you know, I have friends that tell their kids, "Don't touch your cookie." No, a cookie is a cookie. When you teach your toddlers, that's your nose, that's your eyes, that's your mouth, that's your penis, that's your vagina. I am very, very open with my children. I think that's what Yedeshkai is. That's what the Torah is. If you open up the Torah, it's very open. If you learn about the Torah, it's there's no shame in it. It's very It's actually a westernized culture to to make it all taboo. Like if you ever look at a commercial for tampons, it's like a beautiful woman with like her flowy hair and her flowy dress like running in a bed of flowers and it's like but like if the commercial was on mute, you would not know what it's about. >> But you saw the little tampon box on the bottom of the of the screen so you know what it's about. Judaism does not view it as that at all. At all at all. are very open about, you know, our body parts or whatever it is. By the way, if there's shame, don't have shame that you have shame. That's okay. You know, again, we're all flawed. We all have our things. We all have what to work on, me included, a thousand%. But if you feel that shame, is it coming from the lack of friendship that you can't communicate? Cuz then let's work also on that friendship because it really does go hand in hand. And sometimes people need that extra therapy that talking even to a post to a RV or to a therapist or to an OB or whatever it is to a friend. Um and and that could really help as well. But I do think that communicating with your husband, with your bestie, that's very very important. >> So that's a shame. What was your other question? >> Okay, I'll ask in a second, but I have a followup question. So we have to >> I feel like we keep we literally are like Okay, we're we're having a part two, everyone. We're having a part two also tonight like I'm gonna remember things for our part two. >> So you're coming back tomorrow morning. >> So tomorrow morning I'll see you >> looking forward. What is the balance when you describe that that there's no space for shame that sometimes like it can even affect your friendship with your spouse if there's if you're experiencing shame in the bedroom. I'm curious to know how you see the balance between shame and privacy or modesty. The Jewish people are called by that we are bashful. Some would translate that as >> I don't speak English. I'm Israeli. Reminder, >> how do you how do you >> But I'm trying to >> How would you translate and like mercif compassionate and and do goodies? >> I don't I don't think these are >> No. So yeah. Yeah. No, they're not they're not they're not >> opposites contradict each other. I don't think they you could be very private and and and me and Rafie are very private. It's funny cuz I talk about sex all day long to people and when it comes to me and Rafie, I'm very very private. I, you know, I don't let anyone walk into our bedrooms other than our children. Like I'm very old school like that. We're very private. Um, but with my kids, I'm very open. They have questions. Oh, we went on a tangent. I was telling you about my daughter who asked me about how babies get there. And I was very matterof fact. And I just gave her like a whole, you know, class very matterof fact of there like you, that's how we have to view it when our kids ask us. It's not something to be shamed about. It's not something oh my gosh we laugh about like for a second I got caught off guard cuz I'm walking her to her friend's house and then I very much like went through basics like I taught her you know about period we spoke about period and I told her you know girls are born with many many many many eggs and when they reach puberty meaning their body changes they start growing breasts and they start growing hair and their privates and their ar underarms and then every single month basically and I and I show them also So, and and I do this to my colleagues too because I find that a lot of women don't know like basic anatomy. So, I do it like I really dumb it down and and I basically tell them how, you know, the eggs are, you know, every single month they're secreted and if the sperm comes and meets the egg, then it comes into the uterus and the baby grows in the uterus and basically the the lining of the uterus gets very thick to protect the baby. So, there's this thick thick lining to protect the baby. Now, if the sperm and the egg never meet, so there's no embryo, so there's no baby anymore in the uterus to need to be protected. So, it sheds and that's a period. But if let's say the sperm and the egg do meet and it's in the uterus, then it the basically the lining stays there and the embryo grows in the uterus, not in the mom's belly. It's not in the belly. That would be very dangerous. It's in the uterus. And a baby's born in one of two ways. This is what I told my daughter. Baby's born in one of two ways. And I tell this to everyone. either in the most amazing incredible beautiful way through the vagina which Hashem created that it should stretch and then go back and that's how a baby's born or in the most amazing and incredible and beautiful way through a procedure called a C-section which is science which is a gift from a kadesh bar and either way is a beautiful way um and and I kind of go through it with her and with anyone who really asked me about it it's it's like a joke already a lot of my kids' friends like their mothers are like okay we're sending your our kids to you for like for the talk, you know, cuz like but cuz I'm very open. I'm very matter but a matter of fact. It's not giggling. It's not there is no shame. So when we teach our 5-year-old and our six-year-old without shame, so then when they're older, there's no shame. We as moms have to teach our kids without shame. And yes, we could call it a penis and a vagina. Yes, you're not walking around saying these words. You have to be respectful. You have to be kind. Even after I had, you know, the talk with my daughter, I told her, "Listen, you're very, very young, and if you have questions, I promise you, I will always answer your questions, but we have to respect the mothers in your friend's class, and maybe they don't want to tell their girls about this yet. So, I don't want you discussing this with your friends just yet, because maybe their mothers don't want them to know, and we must be respectful, but if you have questions, you come to me." >> So, yeah, that's very interesting. And the reason why I asked that is is not because I think that they're opposites, but I think that very often what causes people shame is a conflation of the two things. And how can we understand I'd love if you could articulate the difference between experiencing shame around sexuality versus snas and privacy around sexuality and why specifically you don't see those things as being interrelated. >> You're saying shame is sneez? >> No, >> I don't see that. >> No, that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is not at all. >> It's the exact opposite. What I'm saying is is that very often people feel almost attached to their shame because they think well this is proof that I'm modest like I'm there's there's something modest about me meaning like the shame they they equate the shame and modesty in their mind. So how can people differentiate internally between those two things to recognize like you can maintain your privacy and your dignity and your teneas while also not experiencing any shame having this like direct matter-of-act approach while still being able to be private and modest. >> So I think I I think that is your answer what you just said. I think that that there is no conflict between the two. I think sometimes maybe you're saying that some people say that if I'm shameful I'm being >> some people >> people look at it like that. I think some people make up mitzvos and some people like try to be firmer than the Torah and like I I don't I can't relate to that. Like that's not it's two very different things. It's one of them is you have to have the privacy and there's such beauty about the privacy and and in a world where everything is so overshared. It's so important to have that privacy. Um to have that connection, that intimacy. I think that's so important. Um but that has nothing to do with shame. Shame doesn't make you more pr like shame. How do you define shame? >> Shame I think is women being embarrassed by certain things. I don't think that makes you private if you're embarrassed by certain things. I just I don't understand the question because I can't relate to why being embarrassed is being sneez. I think it's two very different things. I think it's so important to keep things intimate, to keep things, By the way, it's sexy. Also, just so you all know that not to overshare everything. There's something so intimate about just you two knowing about certain things or even like including your kids about certain like family cute things that you don't have to share it with the whole world. You know, it it's just for for the two of you. It it's it's so important. But that has nothing to do with being embarrassed. And if you are embarrassed by anything, that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that. Talk about it. Talk to your man about why you're embarrassed or why you think, you know, whatever. And if you feel that you can talk to your man about it, then work on that relationship, on that friendship, and in the meantime, speak to someone else about it. But but being senua and being private and being shameful to me is like two, it's apples and banana, like not even fruit. Like it's apples and I don't know a cake, not even two types of fruit, you know, like I'm like banana is is banana considered a vegetable, a fruit, I don't know. But I actually think you you answer that question very well, which is you can be motivated not to share from two different places. Either because you're embarrassed of it or because you intentionally choose not to share and to retain the privacy of your relationship. That's what I was getting at. There's two very different energies that keep us back from sharing. One is that we're embarrassed. We think it's shameful. It's it shouldn't be spoken about because like it's gross or not even gross, but it's shameful. And another is I don't share about it because it's intimate. It's private. It's individual. >> That's how I view it. And I think that when your college teachers give it over that way, you can't even see the two. Like it doesn't they don't overlap at all because because that's what it is. That's the real truth. The real truth is yes, we keep things intimate and yes, we we keep certain things just, you know, private because it's beautiful cuz it's incredible cuz it's holy cuz it's it's it's what love is. It's what living is. It's what blossom. It's all of that. But that has nothing to do with shame. I I can't even like put the two together. >> Yeah. Well, I love that you live in such a different plane when it comes to this topic. I really feel that that like you you're just like shame and sexuality like how would you even put those two words together? You know what I mean? >> I love that. I love that. I think that's amazing. And back to the second question which we had on that woman asking you a really personal, intimate question that she'd been waiting a decade to ask someone. What do you feel is the cost? For example, they may have areas where they want to explore, but they don't they don't because they're just like, "It's fine. Like, we're we're happy. We're satisfied." And you're saying that it's also a travesty to you if someone has been wanting to do something for a decade and just being like, "Uh, to be safe, we won't do it." Why is that? What do you feel is that? >> Some people are like they >> there's resentment that comes up >> and some either from the husband or the wife. It could be, you know, it could be either way. And then there's if something so small that has nothing to do with this comes up in your life and then you're thinking about this resentment because oh my god and you you won't even try this and you're trying to be firmer than the Torah and you're trying this and and how do you know and why are you being so strict and why? So it it it creates this negativity. So I I just think it's important that everyone knows like you know let's talk about it. What's the question? Don't be embarrassed to ask a poster or whatever it is and and we bring it up. M nice. Yeah. >> Yeah. I like want to also have a part two that's not recorded that you listen to it once and it stops because I have so many specific examples and and also like different post game and what they say. But I just find that because this topic is so sensitive and it is senu and it is private, everyone gets so like nervous to like discuss certain things because things can be taken out of context. Um, and you know, that's why I even said in the beginning, disclaimer, I'm going to say the word sex and penis and vagina. And it's not because I'm trying to lack sensitivity or, you know, I I it's it's because I think that when talking about these topics to women, they feel more confident when whoever it is they're talking to feels confident saying these words. They're not going to come to someone who won't say the word. They're not they're not asking you the question that they really have been embarrassed to ask for the past 10 years if you can't say penis. >> And that's why and and it's not from a lack of sensitivity. It's from it's from being extra sensitive. >> Interesting. Yeah. >> It's it's for it's for being there for our women. The women of Cla Israel. future of Kalisrael depends so much on the women. Yeah. And how we raise our homes and how we open our homes and how we treat our husbands and our children. So I think it's I I do it to be sensitive. >> Yeah. And I think that you gave enough examples to showcase how much more there is to learn about this topic and that there may be some examples that are more of a private conversation to have one-on-one, especially because as you said, it's very personal. Meaning it's not a blanket across the board. Correct. It depends on your relationship. depends on >> also with fertility by the way there's no like okay this is what you do for it so depends on your specific situation and your specific personality on your background and your husband's background and all of it all the variables are taken into account so it's very important >> do you think people should subscribe specifically to the traditions or like the extra things of their community specifically >> I think because someone wrote to me this is based on a question that I received was, "How do you determine which hashkafic path to take when it comes to everything related to mikvah and physical intimacy and sexuality in your marriage when you may come from a certain background but then feel called to experience more leniency or not necessarily want to subscribe to the specific traditions? How do you determine which rv to follow?" Because you're describing different rub on him having different perspectives and someone could call their own rv who might >> the same rv himself could have different perspectives to the same to different couples depending on you know all the variables >> right >> this is what I tell all my colleagues when I teach my college I say my job is to give over information I believe knowledge is power >> I really do I think to know is is is good >> I give over everything I don't care if I have a college sitting in front of me who went to Bakov a call sitting in front of me who's not religious at all. Doesn't keep shabas, doesn't keep go. I don't care. I'm going to give over the same exact information to everyone. I'll also explain what the minimum is that must be done. Like I'll give over everything. Everything. Again, it does not matter who is sitting in front of me. I'm giving you the same exact lessons. Does not matter. I love that. And I teach it all cuz knowledge is power. I also will say what the bare minimum is. You know like even for example you know to for budikas he sick tahara one on day one one on day seven bare minimum of doos but again I someone's going to take that out of context and whatever it is but it's all good there's there's so much more to it but the but the point is is I will teach I will teach everything that there has been even more of a minimum but it's fine depending on a specific situation for someone but but I will teach everything from you know from the of to the bare minimum um to everyone and I will tell them this mitzvah is between you your husband and God >> you your husband and a kadesh bar it is none of my business and is none of anyone's business and you know what you may be ready and I tell this to all my colleagues you may be ready now to do everything everything and in 10 years you might not >> or you might not be ready now and in 10 years you might yes I need to know. I gave over all the information >> and then it's between you, your husband and a kadesh bar and you figure it out. Your college teacher is not responsible to figure out what you guys want to do. It's for you. Her responsibility is to give you all the information. To give it with love, to give it with negative judgment, negative judgment, and to be there for you if you have questions. And then you take it. You have to take your own responsibility. You're getting married. You're building a home. You're having children. That's a responsibility. You take it, you take the information and you figure out what works for you and your husband is you are the partners. You know, I used to write mitzvah letters to my kids, like mitzvah notes, you know, when they were in school, those little mitzvah notes. And I used to always sign it. My sister makes fun of me for this. I used to always sign it. Love, Aba, I hashem. Like we're the three partners. Every mitzvah was love, Aba, and Hashem. You guys are the three partners. It's between you, your husband, and a bar. No one could tell you. You guys have to figure it out. >> My gosh. I also love that you said that you give over all the information to any regardless of the audience. I think something that I hear and I've heard from people over and over again is that feeling of feeling jipped either out of not knowing how much growth there was available and also feeling conned into not knowing like what the bare minimum actually was and thinking that they were struggling with the bare minimum when really they were struggling with a >> very strict rendering of the or even of a tradition which can be really hard for someone to experience especially if they've really been struggling with it. So, I love that you said that. >> And we're a lot more similar than we think we are. >> We really are. I'm saying I'm saying each kala, each woman, each background, doesn't matter how you were raised, we are a lot more similar than we think we are. So, we need to all know all of the halos, we need to all know the bare minimums cuz there are times in lives where things come up where it's a mitzvah for you to do the bare minimum. You know, if you're prone to staining, it's not a mitzvah for you to do two a day. It does not because we're trying to thera is to get you out to be to get you out of so you doing twoas a day any post would be like what what are you doing right you're prone to staining how are you ever going to get out of nida so so we have to see the full picture we really do yeah >> and we have to know we have to know all of it and we have to know what the bare minimum is and we have to know examples of when to use the bare minimum and when not and when to ask >> when to ask a question >> for someone who has had previous relationships. One of the things that really comes up and you you teach from a you teach a variety of backgrounds. One of the things that really comes up is a special relationship with your spouse is in the context of a married relationship. Many people either not coming from a religious background or coming from a religious background may experience many relationships before they get married and may have even had sexual relationships outside of the context of marriage. It's obviously a very common thing. What is the difference in perspective of a sexual relationship within the context of a Jewish marriage that is different to pre to relationships that came previously and how to really experience that distinction within a marriage and not to carry any again shame or baggage from your past but able to fully embrace the holiness that's available to you in this marriage that you have. So you were asking if someone had previous relationships, how do they move forward into this marriage relationship? >> Yeah. And what's the difference spiritually in a marriage to the relationships that came before and how to like shift into that? >> Well, there's the whole of Mishbaka and whoever is going to to use it. I have many brides who've had premarital sex, who've had relationships with other couples. And again, no shame. you did that. That's part of your toolbox for your life and how you move forward and everyone needs to go through whatever it is that they went through to, you know, move forward and and they did that. They we come from a place of okay, you did that. There's again negative shame. What do we learn from it? And how do we enhance a relationship? And see, it's actually those women that see tardisha and they like embrace it, embrace it, embrace it cuz they're like, "Wow, this is this is so special. it. There's so much more. It's not just about XY. It's about the whole it's a holistic. It's a whole thing. You can't have one without the other. You can't have the ram without the hu. You can't have the hu without the ram. You have to work on the friendship and on the sex life. And you need to constantly be working on both. Baka is the way to make it different than any other relationship to create that importance of the friendship. The importance of the positivity in the home, the importance of all of that and the importance of the sex life and the orgasms and you know everything like that. There's something I actually say this in my relationship class. Something that we can learn from children. >> Mhm. >> Okay. If a kid is upset with you, kid tells you I'm so mad at you. I'm never gonna talk to you again. I'm so mad at you. 10 minutes later, they're playing with you. Okay. An adult gets mad at you. I'm so mad at you. I'm never talking to you again. 10 years later, they're not talking to you. >> They're not. You know what the difference is between a child and and that adult that we need to learn is that child chooses to be happy. The adult chooses to be correct. Sometimes when we get into fights, into arguments in our marriage, it's like, "I'm so mad that you did this and this and that and then you're wrong and you're wrong." Sometimes you're going to be wrong and your husband's going to be right. And sometimes, guess what? He's going to be wrong and you're going to be right. It's not about that. We have to choose to be happy. And in marriage, there's no tit for tat. There's no 50/50. It's 200 200. It's my 100 and your 100 are mine and my 100 and your 100 are yours. There's no tip for tat in marriage. There's no pointing fingers. There's none of that. We have to the minute you walk down that aisle, you're not an I. You are an us. You are a unit. You are a team. And that is how you have to view every single argument. All of it. It's all about that. It's very, very important. You know, before I got married, my father, he actually gave me two words of advice before I got married. And I was like nowhere near being a college teacher then. whatever it is. He told me he said wherever you live in the world, find the postgame that are the most um lenient with cuz they usually know more. >> Wow. >> Because it's much harder to say yes than it is to say no. So find those postkim that like they know their stuff wherever you move. And then I it happens to me I got into f like the whole fertility world and whatever it is and now it's so important um to know the rebundum that know all the details about the fertility um that's very very important when when I got involved in PUA and helping um with PUA. Um but the second thing he told me which I really I think it's one of like the greatest pieces of advice um that I've ever gotten and I and I use it and think about it. He's like, "Listen, your kids, they're going to see you fight. They're going to see you argue. Kids are smart. They pick up on the energy of the home like this. They're going to see you fight. Make sure that they see you laugh and dance and sing and hug and kiss each other. Make sure that they see the pot. They're going to see the the the fighting. They're going to pick up on that. Make sure that they see the dance parties and the laughter and the hugs and the kisses. Make sure they see that, too." And that to me was very very important piece of advice. >> Huge. So valuable. >> You talk about the friends and friends and lovers and how the different times of the month are opportunities to strengthen each side. As you mentioned at the beginning um due to birth control or sometimes because women have irregular cycles just naturally. Not everyone experiences nida in that way. Many people go >> months and months without >> without being na and obviously also after menopause as well. But let's say specifically even in the younger years of a woman's life, not everyone does. So how to nurture that dynamic or what else is available to someone? Obviously the reason why we experience Nidita is not just to hone friendship. It's a mitzvah. >> But how can someone kind of if someone's like I want to tap into that but I just don't have that separation. >> So some women and first of all there's nothing wrong if you're on birth control and you don't have your period. You're not anida. You don't have to like make yourself anida when you're not anida. I just want to say that some rebundant will encourage it. You know, they'll say, "Oh, try to do on something." Some women love it. They they miss it. I I have friends where they went on birth control and all of a sudden they weren't, you know, getting their cycles and they're like, "I kind of miss it. I miss the the no and the yes. I miss the like, oh, the buildup and whatever it is." So, some people miss that. Um, so, you know, just to know what who you are and be true to yourself and figure out what works for you. Now, that being said, some people love it. Some people love to not be any for for a long time and whatever it is. And they, you know, I'm assuming, I might be wrong, but maybe in some parts of their marriage, they were in need before they got into this stage where, let's say, they're on birth control for a while and they lose their period. Um, but being a nida isn't like, oh my gosh, you have like when you're pregnant, you're also not need. Many women who are nursing for a long time, some do get their periods, but many do not and they're also not in need. During those times, it you're still working on everything. You're still doing all of that, you know, friendship, lovers, whatever. But when you had nida, especially in the beginning of marriage, it kind of forced you to learn about all of that. It forces you to be, you know, besties when when you can't be lovers and lovers when you can't be, you know, when you can't only be besties, like to to work on both. But yes, there are many women who don't have their periods and whatever it is. That doesn't mean that you can't be best friends. Work on, you know, come to the relationship class, see all the things that we can enhance our relationship, whether you're in need or not, and implement that into your marriage. do all those things to like to bring that into the marriage. I think that's very important. You know, the positive reinforcement, the the communication, the friendship, all of that is very important whether you have an eido or not. >> By the way, another thing that comes up, you know, people I think it's a mitzvah to to do whatever it is that makes you feel beautiful. I really do. M >> um you know in the time of the Mishkan the women they donated their mirrors and Mosha was like this is completely inappropriate like what do you bring your mirrors and himself came down and said I love these mirrors more than anything because it was these mirrors that the women used to beautify themselves when the husbands were feeling depleted and broken and down in ma and they beautify themselves and they brought love and laughter and light into the home and I believe like that is the proof of do whatever it is that makes you feel beautiful because I believe that when you feel beautiful you act beautiful whether it's to your husband to your children it's good it's a mitzvah I'm not telling you to go get expensive I don't know why your nail you could do your own nails too you could do your own thing but put yourself together to like make yourself feel beautiful because when you feel good about yourself when you feel beautiful you act beautiful and I think that's very important >> to like remember in the back burner >> that doesn't mean like you have to always, trust me, half the time I'm like I have the homeless like I dress homeless sometimes, you know. It's fine. Sorry, but you can't. No, I do like I absolutely ask anyone. But the point is is like especially in the winter like when you have big coats, you can hide anything. Um but but the point is in general when you feel pretty, when you feel good, you act pretty, you act good to people around you. So do those things. I think it's very important. M yeah I I hear that the the importance of grooming yourself so that you yourself feel beautiful. You know, it's interesting. My I have a a family relative like a a like she's related to me and she was I was just in Israel for a second and she is friends with like a lot of women who are older singles >> and they were telling me they're like listen there's a whole group of us that don't know so much of this cuz we us you know we don't teach this in high schools now the more modern Orthodox schools are teaching tards and mishbak. I teach it at Uli. I think that's amazing. They bring them to a mikvah. They teach them, you know, just planting seeds like little things. Um, which I think is amazing. Um, but very often until you have kala classes, you don't learn about any of this. And it's a whole new mitzvah. And then forget the whole new mitzvah and the details of the mitzvah. It's a whole, you know, for women who haven't had premarital sex or even had and don't know anything about their bodies or anything about sex. They could have had sex a million times and there's still so much to learn when you learn about your bodies and whatever. They don't know. And they're like, we wish you could come to seminaries and have these classes just to like little information that we that we learn. Like why do we have to wait all these like years like some of us don't get married till so much later you know also for example I was telling them the importance of freezing eggs. It's very important you know to know about women who are getting married older. there is that option to freeze eggs and PUA what they do is they have a Mashki program where >> the whole reason why a lot of the fertility was questionablely was cuz we wanted to make sure that there were no mix-ups in the lab we want to make sure the correct sperm gets the correct egg there's no mix-ups you know here in California I think two years ago someone had a baby that wasn't their race >> which is crazy like it was there was obviously a mixup in the lab so one of the main reasons Why fertility all these new fertility things were questioned by postgame work. What if there's mixups in the lab? So PUA said we are going to come up with a program to make sure this mashki ho program to make sure that there's no mix-ups in the lab. The LA mashkiot are amazing incredible women really really incredible women. Um, and what they do is they go to the lab when a woman gets any treatment, whatever it is, and they make sure that there's no mix-ups, and they have these certain tapes that close everything, and if it's tampered with, it changes colors. Like, there can't be mix-ups with this, you know, with all of this. So, I just think that it's important. And when women also freeze their eggs, which I very much encourage older women to freeze their eggs, it takes off the pressure. There's no pressure of like the time clicking, whatever it is. um they could call Pua and Pua will make sure Mashka is there and they seal it and there's no mixup. The eggs are there, they're there, they're stored. So, it's very important to know about all of this. >> Yeah. >> So, I just think that so they were like begging me. They're like, "Could you do like talks in seminaries or whatever it is?" But but the point is is that there's so much more to learn and there's so much more that we need to be aware of especially when it comes to fertility. Yeah. Especially when it comes to our bodies, when it comes to um pleasure, when it comes to relationships. So I just think to have these conversations and to talk is very very important. I really >> Would you consider doing a Zoom class for anyone who's thinking uh I would really love that. >> I do Zoom classes all the time. Where can people sign up? >> I actually had a class in Israel. >> Okay. like I think it was 3 years ago, four years ago where my students students okay these women are like the most incred one was a doctor, one was a lawyer, one was you know and they would take there was this one doctor she worked at Charlotte Hospital she would take her break and run into the room for these classes um and I mean these women incredible we are part of the most amazing nation with the most incredible women um but yeah I do classes all the time my schedule is a little crazy as you know it took me like I don't know 8 months to get here Um, but if I know things in advance, I have it penciled in, we make it work. >> Someone asked a question about intentions that a couple has during intimacy. This is something that people talk about is like the intentions that you have that it can affect the soul that you bring down into this world. I'm curious to hear your thoughts around that. I thought it was a very interesting question and she also asked about intentions in general around other parts of family purity, mikvah, and so on. I'm curious if you could speak to that. What's your perspective on the intentions that we bring to this outside of just being lovers, but the divine intention especially when conceiving a human? >> Excellent question. First of all, um I wanted to say that I think it's very important like just as backing up a minute that everyone knows there's no such thing as a wasted sex. >> Okay, there are going to be times where you will feel pleasure and there's going to be times where you won't feel pleasure. And you know a lot of my callers ask me they like to know the statistics like what are other people doing you know so you know statistically speaking it takes about 45 minutes or like much longer for a woman to get in the mood whereas it takes like a man like 2 minutes you know like it takes men much faster than women to get in the in the mood like they ask me okay what's the average time for sex statistically speaking so there is no average it could be 2 minutes it could be 20 minutes it could be 2 hours it could be you know there there are no rules. Um but one thing that is for sure is there's no such thing as a wasted sex. There's going to be every time is going to be a little different. Sometimes it's going to be, you know, a little more soft. Sometimes it's going to be a little bit more, you know, faster, sometimes slower. But there sometimes you'll feel pleasure, sometimes you won't. But there's no such thing as a waste of sex. Every time you're together, it's bonding. And I think that's very important to know. Now before I answer this question, I need to tell you what I actually tell all my calls. This actually happened after Queen Elizabeth died. After Queen Elizabeth died, they interviewed a lot of her staff members and one of her like personal bodyguards, they interviewed him and they were asking, he was an older man and they asked him a bunch of questions and one of the questions that they asked him was so you know was the queen like was she did she have like what was her humor like? What was her personality like? So he's like, "I have to tell you, she had the best personality. She was like filled with humor. I'm going to tell you a specific story." Okay, this is what happens. We're We were at her like I think it's Bmore Palace. That's where they go on vacation. I think that's what it's called. Um and we were going on a walk. Now she's off duty, so she's not wearing her typical hats. She's wearing like a little handkerchief. And they're going on a walk. And usually when they see people, they say hello, whatever it is. And there were two American tourists that came over to them. Clearly did not recognize them. And they're smoozing with these two American tourists. And they're like, "Oh, where are you going? What did you eat today? What are you doing tomorrow?" And the tourists are like telling them what they did this day and what they're planning for tomorrow. And they start smooing and they ask the queen, her majesty herself, like, "Oh, like, do you live here?" So she said, "Yeah, our family has had a home here for like over 80 years." So they're like, "Oh my god, have you ever met the queen?" And without even like skipping a beat, she's like, "I haven't, but he has." And she points to her personal bodyguard. So they shove their camera in her hands, in her majesty herself's hand. They put their arm over the bodyguard. They're taking pictures. They're like, "Take a picture of us. He met the queen. He met the queen." And then at the end, they took like a selfie of all of them together. And they went on their, you know, merry way. And they didn't like let on anything. And after they left, the queen, her majesty, tells her bodyguard, I would pay money to be a fly on the wall for like when they show those pictures to their friends. Maybe someone will recognize me. And I love this story. And I'll tell you why. I think that we love us Jews, we love getting bra from Rabanim. We do. Me, I do. I love getting bras from Rabim. I will run to get any braha. I love brahles from everyone, honestly. but I will run and whatever it is. But sometimes majesty themselves is right there. His majesty himself is there. And I think in the bedroom the is there. There's nothing holier than having the shina in the bedroom. And yes, every time we're going to have sex, it's going to be different. Sometimes we'll be playful and sometimes you're trying new things and sometimes it's fast and sometimes it's slow, but the shina is there. And I always tell my colleagues, I say, "Not every time, but from time to time, talk to Kadesh Baru after. No one has to know. You don't even have to tell your husband. Talk to Kadesh Baru. You want him as your partner. You're a Kadesh Bar could do anything like this. He can make people who are not doing well financially overnight do well financially. He can make people who, let's say, they don't feel beautiful or whatever it is have a glow up. You see women have glow-ups all the time. He can make he can make, you know, women or men who are, you know, not doing well in school, not academic, not and later on in life they're like they're thriving. He could do anything. You want Hashem as your partner. There's no better partner. And the Shina is there. And yes, every time is going to be different. And I'm not saying don't enjoy and don't have fun. And I think it's so important to learn about your body and orgasms and all of that, but to also know the is there. And from time to time, talk to no one has to know about it. You don't even have to tell your husband about it, but talk to Kadesh. Talk to him, ask him, thank him for the brahos you have in your life. You'll get more brahos when you thank him. Trust me. >> So, so I believe yeah, of course there's intentions. There's intentions to everything in life. We have to live life with intention. You know, we we live everything we should do, we should do with intention. And when we don't, that's already learning for next time to, you know, maybe be more intentional. So, it doesn't take away meaning, yeah, you there going to be times again you're going to try new things, you're going to, you know, you're going to explore whatever and then there's going to be softer times and faster time and everything is different. But from time to time, yeah, talk to Kadesh Baru. He's right there. His majesty himself is right there. You don't have to take a picture with the rv or the this or the that for this specific case. You have him in your bedroom. You have him right there. So that's how I see it a thousand%. I definitely talked to Keshu. I >> actually love you gave a very holistic picture of what it looks like to bring Hashem into that moment because it's not about thinking of anything specific or having to do the right thing to like be able to bring Hashem into the room. It's like Hashem is there. Talk to Hashem. >> Yeah. >> Beautiful. >> He's there regardless of of what you're doing, what you did, right? This is there's nothing that's put on a pedestal more than a husband and wife being together. So it doesn't matter what you're doing if if you're both enjoying it and if that's going to enhance your relationship, you're doing a vod hashem a kadesh who is there. Let's talk to him. >> Nice. >> I actually said this at my daughter's b mitzvah and I say this in many of my sharim and many of my friends know this. Um and my children for sure know this. Um but at my oldest I have four children. Um incredible. I love them all. I'm very proud of them. Um, at my oldest daughter's bach mitzvah, I got up and this is what I said. I said, Ora, you know, when I was pregnant with you, there was one night I couldn't fall asleep. I was like tossing and turning and overthinking. And you know, when you overthink for sure, you can't fall asleep. And I thought to myself that night, what do I want the first word to be when my child is born? When my child's born, what do I want the first word I tell my child? And I thought about it that night. Thought about it long and hard. And I chose a word. And the word that I chose is the same word that I told every single one of my children. I said it to a I said it to Nava. I said it to Yeshua and to Naima. And the word was shalom. Because shalom means hello. And shalom is also one of a karaj whose name God has many names. One of them is shalom. And shalom means peace. It's such a positive word that I wanted the first word my child ever hear to be that. And I wanted it to be her mission. I wanted her to go into the world holding a kesh bar in one hand, holding the Jewish people in the other and always looking for the positive in people and in situations. So at her b mitzvah I get up and I tell her this and I said you know we're here at your bach mitzvah at your next milestone and I'm not here today with a song or a story or a sheer or a groman. I'm here with a word. I'm here with one word with your mission to remind you the same word I told you 12 years ago today. I'm here with a word with the word shalom to remind you at this next milestone of your life. Take a kadeshu with you in one hand. Talk to him. >> Take with you in the other hand. Talk to them those who are similar to you but certainly certainly those who are different than you. You have what to learn from everyone and always look for the positive in people in situations. And I said, "And I hope please God, one day at your next milestone, when you're standing under your I want to whisper this word in your ear before you start a home of your own, I want to say shalom under the I want to remind you to take a keshu with you in one hand, take with you in the other, and always look for the positive in people and situations." And the truth is I said it at Navas Bitzvah also the shalom and I plan on saying this to all my kids through their you know their big changes throughout life and and I say to all my callas I tell all my callas I'm like this is not and Nava and Yoshua Ima's mission it's not only my children's mission this is Klis's mission our mission is shalom it's all about unity and before we start a world of our own before we you know open a home and even now if you're already married you have a home you've been married 5 10 year it doesn't matter before we do that the the mission is important we take this word with shalom talk to kures >> from the kitchen from the bedroom from carpool line talk to keshu there's no better partner and talk to your husband he's also a pretty awesome partner and talk to kl those who are similar and certainly those who are different than you we what to learn from everyone and always look for the positive in people and situations and I believe that when we do that we are going to have a life that is filled with braha and masle and simka and only good things. >> Oh so beautiful such a beautiful way to end. So I say to everyone, I say to everyone in this podcast, shalom. Like really take a kadesh with you, take with you, take your husband with you, take your children with you, communicate, talk, learn, live, love. Um, and we're going to have a lot of braha. >> Oh, so beautiful. Love how you ended with that. And quick rapid fire for you. Let's do it. >> Is what's a favorite Jewish quote? Um and the reason is what is what is good and pleasant to Hashem when Jews sit together. And a couple years ago my brother was in spat and he sees this older man with a beard. He looks older. He looks wise. He goes over to him. Me and my siblings were like not shy. We could talk to a wall. He goes over to him. He's like, "You look like you have wisdom. Teach me anything." And he's like, I'm going to tell you something and I promise you if you take this with you for the rest of your life, you will succeed in everything you do. Says, you know how in it says what does it mean? What's good and pleasant to when Jews get together? He says there's an extra word. It should say what's good and pleasant to God. When Jews sit together, what's you know what's pleasant to God? When Jews sit also together. M >> why is that word gum in there? And he tells my brother, he says gum is not an extra word because the word is an acronym for which means there's differences of opinions. What's good and pleasant to God also with your difference of opinions and your different and your different ways of dressing and your different backgrounds. when you know how to get together and get along with and despite those differences, that is what is beautiful and amazing to have. So that is my favorite favorite um saying and for my 40th birthday, Rafie actually got um his favorite singer to like sing me this song of because it's like it's something I talk about. I say this per of dam every morning I don't start my morning that that peric of damim to like go into the day with like what's good for Hashem when we all get together that's that's what this is all about >> I love that and it really suits your shalom >> it's the mission >> peace unity togetherness even despite >> all my all my friends make by the way in Ula it's like a joke whenever there's any like she or whatever they're like okay is going to talk about shalom and unity you know >> and let's think of other topics for everyone else >> and like if they put Like sometimes they'll put like cute little video clips and whatever it is and I'm always like I love our people. I love our people. So now everyone already writes and of course Ali Moore loves our people, you know, but it's true. We have the most amazing people. We're very lucky. >> It's not a bad thing to be known for. >> I'm very proud of I'm proud of our people. >> If there's one myth that you could dispel about this topic of family purity, tars mashbaka, what would it be >> in a sentence? >> It's not a myth. I just think people aren't educated. So they don't realize the beauty and how it goes hand in hand and how it's holistic and how the friendship affects the sex life and vice versa and and it's a whole holistic thing. But I do want to tell you something cuz I have a lot of women that come over to me and and everyone has challenges and challenges could be so many different things. I've had Rabanim tell me at specific talks that I've had to bring up porn >> because women get married and they see that their husbands are addicted to porn. So, there's a lot of different challenges. Um, some could just be like they felt like the past five years have been really rough. Everyone has different challenges. But my message to everyone is that we do not give up and we do not despair. And every moment in this world, there's a new energy and there's new possibilities. And just like when someone has an infection on their leg, they don't get their leg amputated. They go and they get medication and they get antibiotics and they do therapy for it. And the last resort is to amputate the leg. But they do all these things for it. And that's the same for marriage. We put in our all. And yes, some legs are meant to be amputated, >> just like some marriages are meant to be broken, but it's got to be the last resort. You have to put in your all. They asked this 86y old woman, "What is your, you know, special trick to your 60 plus years of marriage?" And she said, "Oh, in my days when something broke, we would fix it. We wouldn't just throw it out." So my message is we put in the time. Put in the time. Put in the effort. Put it in. I believe in marriage. I believe in the relationship. I believe in our positive future. And and I really and again, some legs are meant to be amputated. Some marriages are meant to be broken. It's got to be the last resort. And we have to have to put in our all. I believe in marriage. I believe in love and laughter and happiness and and we have the power to do that. >> I think we underestimate our power. We have the power to do that. >> Okay. >> We're very lucky. >> Beautiful. And for the last final question, if you're sitting across from another person just eye to eye, soulto soul, what is one message from your heart to theirs? >> My shalom message that is that is really my message for the Jewish people, especially now, especially after elections last night. Um, I think that right now the Jewish people, they want to destroy us. They're not very happy with us in the world. And it might be because they're jealous cuz we're so amazing and incredible. I don't there and I don't know what it is. I don't know why people don't like us so much. Um but I do know that our mission is unity and unity is our superpower and we learn from history when we unite. And by the way, every single has it. It's like before um by um Purim Hammon says yes there's a nation. They're all over the place. They're scattered. He's saying they're not united. And then what happens? Esther says, "Go unite the Jewish people. That's going to be our superpower." And then we united and then we had a miracle. You know, um it says it's talking about all the the nations, they want to destroy us. And it says, "Not only one nation wants to destroy us." Why does it use this weird lush on it? It should just say many nations want to destroy us. Why? Not only one nation wants to destroy us. Why shalom? Because we are not one. That bilva that alone stands up against us to destroy us. And you go through every single and you see it guys. We are like we're almost in front of the next like the next is coming and we're at that stage right now where they want to destroy us. So right now what we need to do is we need to unite because that is our mission statement. is our superpower and unity starts at home and unity is Rayma. It's best friends and lovers and we got to work on it. All of us, me included, every single one of us. By the way, I love talking about this cuz that day I'm a better wife. >> That day I'm more like conscious to like be a better wife. Just like when I listen to parenting classes or whatever it is and that day I have more patience and I'm a better parent and whatever it is. That's why I think it's so important and I think that it's our mission and that's what we're going to do now. And we're gonna get our braha and it's going to be a life that is filled with masle and braha and shalom and shea and only good things. And I give us a bra that we just continue continue and don't give up when things get challenging. It just that's a world. It's fine. Hashem doesn't want a world of mim. Things do get challenging and we just keep at it. >> Amen. Yeah. Thank you. >> Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. You're incredible. Continue doing all the amazing things that you do and >> you're amazing. >> Thank you so much for listening. Thank you for being a part of this. Make sure you follow the podcast. Hit the subscribe button. New episodes come out every Sunday and Wednesday morning. We love hearing from you, so email us at [email protected]. Visit humanandholy.com/sponsor to become a partner in the work that we're doing. You can find us on Instagram at humanandholy. And thank you for being here. Looking forward to seeing you next week. Bye.