Q & A Session Sefira Conf 2012

okay good morning and um and welcome to uh obviously the uh we're having this morning I'm seeing you here at the at the North Road conference and this morning we're going to have a unique opportunity to hear from uh professionals I say professionals obviously you know everyone in their own in their own right has come across different questions that have been challenged to give it over to them and I'd like to introduce the panel first and foremost uh arrive Ki shlita bonus cycle rebbe who comes here with a Cadre of experience not only being a Rob in a kahila and Flatbush here but also coming from Denver Colorado his family comes in illustrious Heritage and uh has been involved in an Outreach for many many years who is the director of project Inspire comes with a plethora of experience in key roof working in Aisha Torah uh H New York now project Inspire and and really has really molded this whole organization to where it is right now and he has a plethora of experience with regards to the hero of Outreach questions Etc and last but not least a rabbi bencino clatsko who has built an organization called shabbat.com and many other uh wonderful organizations he's been involved in but he comes from just knowing his house up in uh Muncie we're not giving Shabbos there could be I don't know 20 people people 70 people 100 people and uh he's dealt with issues that have played Claudia throughout so we'd like to open up the discussion today okay with questions but you might feel that you would like to ask we do have a cards that if anybody doesn't want to or wants to you know write jot something down and give out cards you want to just give it in you know anonymously uh I'd like to ask the first question and open it up and then I'll open up to the panel and I will uh sit back and try to uh enjoy the mic is not on yeah okay thank you you can do it let me do it it'll be helpful welcome hello great thank you very much so the first question I'd like to ask somebody gave me this question this morning is the following and I'll try to pose it and uh let everybody else uh let the panel this answer it knowing that uh client Israel is facing a uh uh in a tremendous amount of assimilation today and obviously it's our arthritis to reach out where do I triage how do I make a difference in on my understanding of who really to reach out to and to that effect whether somebody's into marry the ready to reach out to them to their spouse and it's a loaded questions and how to deal with all the moving parts to that question so I'll open up the panelists whoever wants to answer that and think from there well so I mean it's really got you have two questions really one question is triage okay it sounds I mean your question is really two questions one question is triage you know meaning triage means if I have so many people that I'm going to read who I'm going to start with so that's already the your first question a lot of assumptions to it which we'll do the second question is what about an intermarried a person who's into marriage so let's start the first question first first question is triage I mean we would be in a situation where everybody who's sitting in the in the audience here is dealing with a situation of so many people that I'm reaching out to where I start with first so let's let's go behind the assumption is whoever you know you should be reaching out to right meaning you know if a lot of some people are not quite there yet to let's go you know meaning you know those who have heard of motion to release speak this morning about how has somebody pulled up in front of his his house on Shabbos and he reached out to him and he brought him to show was a beautiful example of what we all should be doing that where that in our daily lives there are people that are we meeting you know if you have the right glasses on which means that this could be a friar year that I could reach out to that you will see them all the time so this is the first thing you have to realize that there are co-workers there are people who pull up in front of your house that people that you meet in the subway the people the people that you know there's relatives that you know there's people that you don't even know that you know that you really do know that you should be reaching out to so the first thing is that we should get to that's the first uh first base is that right in this because our first base well first Wicket or something in England they say what about wickets so but but once you've got to the point where you're reaching if you really are those so those who this question is Shire you've got so many people that you're reaching out to to then read the question becomes people are drowning in front of you and you can't save them all who do you save so so the question is you know if you've got a guy who's drowning in front of you and if you try and save him he's going to pull you down as well leave that guy alone you've got a guy who's like please help me help me I need you I need you so they go for that for that meaning there are people that sometimes are less easy to set to help they're they're less open even though we that we say that every year there's nishoma's yearning for meaning and yearning for relationship with the College medical yearning for Terror which is true sometimes people have more blocks than others and therefore if you have someone that you know that if you reach out to him he will start learning with you or she will start learning with you or he they will come for Shabbos and they're gonna so they and go for the people that you think that you could really pull out the water so to specie and you can say bearing in mind that everything that you do any Mitzvah anything that they do they start learning with you they start coming for Shabbos they start and you start learning the laws is beautiful we shouldn't just think unless they become from so then they're not worth it every single thing that you do but I would say that in terms of triage um you know you know where you feel that you will have a is the place that you should start with I'm sorry this is going on a second question in terms of not from uh in terms of uh uh um intermarried and it's look you know this is a Kabbalah that I have from from lower had I really heard anything I heard said differently an intermarried yid is a teenager Niche but doesn't know any better they as there is Jewish as you and I right any myths with an intermarried year does is beautiful in fact in some ways and I say this to people I've said this to people in Samaria say you know what for me it's easy to commit humans I live in Passaic I have a brother show and I from family I have for me I do a Mitzvah so it's you know what's it worth it's worth a lot but when if you do a Mitzvah when you're into married and you can't do you know how much more that is worth in the eyes of the almighty so that so and sometimes people feel that intimate person might feel that they they kind of cut off they kind of still feel a sense of connection to their Jewish identity they but they might feel a little cut off from it but by you're validating that they are as the kurdishborough who loves them just like they love you you're still a a a child of the almighty and you learn anything that you do in your situation is a beautiful thing then that gives them a feeling often a desire that they want to and you should try to you know you know they could give a whole Shear on this but you can try to be my color of them as much as they as as to be macaron them as much as you can if that means sometimes you've got to invite their family with no reason to say you should invite them obviously you have to ask kalakas about Shabbos and so forth prepare your family and so forth but that was the Mahala that he had which I was Macabre and in anybody else want to you can go to the next question if you like right I have a slightly different perspective than it comes from life's experience because for 20 years the Keel in Denver the the avoider was 90 curve sure the I could say those 20 years of being in the trenches fighting it was called hand-to-hand combat was barely good training for the challenges of being in the middle of Brooklyn if we think that there is any less cure in those who are in our own Community who have already become jaded and lost the significance and the beauty of Terror and they're living their lives filled with this emptiness despair depression and not trying not knowing how to talk to their children not knowing how to talk to their spouses not knowing how to guide themselves out to themselves unfortunately we see with unfortunately too many people walking into show walking out exactly as they came in no change no inspiration and that's people who grew up and went to yeshivas went to base Jacob so all the care of that we will ever do in the world will be not enough in order to change the wave so much of assimilation as much as we need to give to what her really gives us in the film world every single day so that we can actually talk to somebody else and say yo Tara is such a beautiful thing darwining is such a great inspiring experience and so few of us have that in our daily lives it's no wonder that it's hard to reach out to those who have no association and say I have something beautiful to offer to you we doubt ourselves just want to point out there's a famous mice of the Buddhism who used to come every morning to davening and was an inspiration all by itself and one day he walks in and everybody's ready for his and he starts in his arms up in the air in his voice trembling at his Courthouse fully into everybraca and they noticed that he skipped so afterwards the item came to him you missed the broken he said this is where several different ways the story is repeated he says I got up this morning and I was ready to say yeah I washed now your Masa and I wanted to say and I said for what who am I that I should be able to think do I think I have mistress somebody might see how inadequate I am and the worship was so great and I am nothing and I have nothing with which to even stand before the rungelem and I did not know how to move but I looked out the window and I saw a guy walking by and I said I will call yourself I have Torah I have something that gives me a value far and above and beyond whatever I can accomplish it says I didn't have to repeat it later are we happy are we celebrate every single day is that I have a tremendous close in the college bowl if we don't it's going to be hard do you require of another Jew if there's not that simple that joy that gives us that inspiration every day foreign how does one Inspire from people that grew up in the system and you approach them and you see that although they dress from they don't necessarily believe or care about what they grow up what they just do it either because it's good socially or because they just are ashamed to leave Patrol but their core inside they really don't believe in what they grew up with yeah no it's time with everything else I think that though people sometimes say to me tongue-in-cheek but they know that when they walk in the shore they get a hug because if your value if you give somebody tone I'm so happy that you're here thank you and that you're being here is so important today I don't care what time they walked in doesn't make a difference because they're walking whenever they show up it's good and they are given a similar they're given a smile and they said it's that who you are and what you have is beautiful to offer then you give them something that says you don't know wow you know I have I have something that's special about me maybe my dominant will be special today we walk in and I said unfortunately we walk in into most of the places that assures that we walk in it's rare to get even a shalam alaikum let alone a hug I sometimes come back away from from being away from Shoppers and say good morning I'm hungry only because their willingness to be reach out and say another from you seems to be such a tremendous Messiah to greet another Jew with us on the street or shabbat shalom even some people who don't look like the Jewish especially aren't they but we've got a lot of Russian Jews that are that are wandering around and they're walking the dog shop this morning and give my bread to each other they're so happy Allah has cometh for each one of us to just to be able to say hello everybody is not a new Institution it's just an expression of how we need to focus on that connection between ourselves and other Jews then they become inspired you give them something to hold on to something that gives them value that's the first level of inspiration when they walk in the door do they feel happy to be there find it uh I find it interesting that recently uh when I've been to these kind of curve conferences that are supposed to be targeting that very often evolve into cure for chromium and and I was looking at nodding heads as Rabbi toerski answered the first question to just reaffirm that we we understand that there's that there's an issue and maybe we're even questioning uh the entire promise of reaching out when reaching in has become such a big issue is that correct thank you so so really there are two approaches to this one approach is to change courses at the start saying you know what let's start Shoring up our own uh our own defenses let's start making the from Community healthier and then afterwards we'll resume reaching out as my very wise mother-in-law used to say if the heater is not warm it can't radiate heat so that's one approach one approach is to ignore the gearbox and you know maybe let's take a five-year Hiatus and start putting all of our carcass towards curve I don't believe that's the answer because I think that both have the same as Irish and by doing one properly you will end up addressing the other about a month ago a month and a half ago right and um and we we mentioned something over there that I'm just going to tell you the the premise behind it and uh and and I think maybe perhaps this will answer your question you know we speak about trying to bring people back the interstate but we have a difficult time defining what we're trying to bring them back to because if we're trying to bring them back to uh the religion of Judaism then essentially it's like being born in New York and being a Yankees fan I happen to be born Jewish so young Jews and if I've been born in Boston I'd be a Red Sox fan it's a happily born Jewish so I like the Jews but if I born Hindu I'd be sending Hindus and I'd be at a Hindu cure conference correct so if it's all about religion then you're you're right you're right um we've got issues that we have to be addressing but the thing is that if you look in the whole entire room you will find the word religion is absent in every place that religion could be or should be inserted it's left out the only real time that the word religion is used is in the megillah when Muhammad said I'm so nice they're just a different religion to another religion but he was wrong we are not we're not a religion but we're a relationship and I make my kids say this every week we're not a religion we're a relationship and that is the key that is a linchpin to getting back on track both for from you and how to bring other people who are not from into the fold if we teach them religion that we're no better than the missionary on the street if we teach them that they have a relationship that the words that they almost all know Shmi Israel include the ahafta Hashem wants to be in love with you and Hashem wants you to be in love with him then everything changes Shabbos is not by they now got to turn off my cell phone now I have to close my computer Shabbos is Romance Shabbos is about going down on a date you know taking a shower putting on your beautiful clothing like you're going out putting out a white paper cloth and pouring some wine and lighting to some candles Shabbos is a candle with dinner come my beloved my bride my princess my queen I want to be in a relationship with you I don't want to be in a religion with you that chalmas if we teach if we teach that kind of here describe who's going to say no that's when people out there medical saying because it's Beauty it's relationship if we teach relationship then it's the same cure of Turkey and pirate relationship was like Rabbi dorski said are you happy to be in the relationship then it's pushing I don't have to tell you to be happy to be in a religion that's forced but to be in a relationship that's part and parcel that goes hand in hand if you're not happy then you're not in a relationship we dabble three times a day because of normal relationship you connect three times a day you wake up in the morning you say hello the afternoon you're checking at least once in the evening you enjoy each other's company you have dinner together it's relationship so I think that's sort of a long-winded answer to your to your question teach relationship we'll get back on track teach religion we're not going to have a success with their collection and that would president just had a just a short I I agree with uh beautiful things that were said here um you know obviously it does all care of started oh oh it was a breeze from a current if you want to bring anyone close to Torah it's got to start with Ava with love right yeah Rabbi twoski is the master you know the rabba of love you know and he's so you feel it when he speaks but I think that in in our teaching one of the things that I found through teaching care of training programs really which is designed for cure of clothing there's been a couple of reactions that we've had commonly one is people come up say well I don't know about the Cure of rokoken but this changed my life meaning that we need to know the answers for ourselves and it doesn't it's not just the kid who's off the Derek that needs the physic it's all of us because there's a reason why that kid's off the Derek it's not just because of him it's that the community itself needs we need to know the answers we need to understand that it's about relationship we need to understand all the questions that our children ask us and we say oh that's a good question you know we're always if we're lucky with say that's a good question be quiet because we don't know they are we need to face that as a community we need to face the questions so that we could ask answer themselves we need to develop the attitudes of other of acceptance of not like you know if you do if you're not doing exactly what I do the way to then you is the guy the kid's an outcast or he he feels shunned one of the one of the most basic things that we teach people in care of rohoka is that you have to accept people that no matter where they are they're they're mate they're they're a child of their bonus or something you should love them and you should get right and and this kid that's going off for Derek how does he feel do you think he feels judged of course he feels so by learning the answers for care of rokokem we learn for ourselves what we need to do for ourselves for our children for our family and so and so forth so definitely go hand in hand so so you know I'm not just saying that you know we believe that if people knew the answers and you had to be mechanical you learn very very quickly how it's even care of and what what people need to know and the attitudes that we need to have in order to be Makara of proven as well it's all right answer we'll repeat the question understand that it's easier to do care of some of the negative drugs but what happens when you have a sibling grew up in the same family everyone is full fight from the beginning he's not on drugs he's a wonderful person his children are lawyers but they're not going to marry Jews we've tried everything no one has given me an answer how do you even approach it it comes to our to our personality very nice very goodbye okay so I've never repeat that question and I've got somebody else asked a very similar question so once they read that question and they will take way into the next uh next group of answers I've been through for about five years and uh this is very similar to your question uh so so I I'll put Elliot I hope that the panelists will answer both questions your question was somebody in the family who's just not believing in it and how do you um get them to connect with the rest of the family a big zero a big zero not connected and the next the other question which I would like to I guess both questions are interconnected that's why I'm asking the next question if you don't mind is that person wrote I've been broke for around five years in the relationship between my meeting family and myself has been a real roller coaster ever since I got married one year ago it has been an adjustment to my family who lives out of town just last night my brother told me my brother okay so we put my family okay that he's not necessarily looking to marry Jewish girl okay how should my husband and I respond to react to the brother's casualty about possibly editing of his family's lineage what should we do and that's uh your question is that if you have somebody in the family who is not connected how should you deal with it so I think it's both connected and if the panelists feel a sense that they can handle this I'd like to give them my 12 to them okay good let me just say one thing you take it and then I'll give it over to uh it says that uh says that Arrow not Cohen was given the ability to light the menorah that was his is matonda from Hashem so in partialosa it says yes you know and as Russia said it's a little Shino he didn't change it says like every day he would go and you like the vanilla room every day the same way and that's how I would interpret the Russian and change it says yeah so you did it every day the same way but that's knara so did I run a code it says the mission says right it's the ultimate hero person whether so how what what's it already going did he ever go to Project Inspire did he ever go to Asia Tower do you ever go with ncsy did you ever go to any wonderful keyword organization exists he was positive he was positive okay use that word as Cain as being yes positive as opposed to being detective personality so to start off I would say that that's as Rabbi Samson says he says a connection to a person I have to feel a genuine to have a genuine interest in the person and then with that I'll just hand it over to the panelists but all right so I mean again these are really two separate questions but they definitely overlap but let's start with the second question first even though you know so the first bit of a second question I think is if you have someone in your family who's a relative who's especially a man is gonna in you know talking about intermarry um you know uh look again I you have to know each person and what the situation generally speaking you know you're dealing with you know I I didn't get this from it's a from from a from family or not no the second that was first the second question is but unfortunately you know he's a month the other 50 of Jews today who are doing this so it's not like this is a big hiddish even though it shocks us when we hear it every time and it should be something we don't get used to at the same time unfortunately this is what's going on this is Claudius Israel today so watching how a response be you've got to try to help him you know you have to try to help him as much but what's going to be effective to help I've generally found and I think I would say this true for both questions that the the concept of cutting someone off and saying I'm going to have nothing to do with them because in this in this door does not work right and and especially when you're dealing with the certainly a teenager it's why do it you know why do it you know I remember somebody calling me uh on the phone about the fact that they've having a difficulty with their daughter who's into marrying or whatever is that and the daughter won't speak to him why because he cut her off he could have cut her off so I can't even get into a conversation so you know I was well you know who told you to cut her off you know it was a difficult conversation because it was like you know well I don't I can understand she won't want to speak to you if you told her that she's gonna have nothing to do with your family now obviously that's a shickle of dust meaning if you really understood that by cutting off she would come back so then try if you really think that you're better but I'm just saying in general my experience from a lot of kirov is that in this generation if you cut people off they don't feel accepted they don't feel loved and then they miraculate themselves from you and you've just lost that relationship that we're talking about to bring them back so the first thing that in general is to try to maintain the relationship the the there are many things that can be done and again we haven't got enough time in terms of uh there are books that can be read with a person who's intermarine there's a there's a book by Darren cornbreth why married Jewish it's a very good book it brings a lot of reasons why you know 50 of people get divorced unfortunately in this generation into Mary couples it's 75 which means someone gets intermed there's a one in four chance that they'll stay together better stick with someone who you've got more of a chance of so there are many reasons why a person can be encouraged to to there could be that this person you know is not a good person for them outside of of religion could be this person you know they're infatuated they're not really good for them they're a selfish person sometimes usually though if you stay in the position of friendship where you're a friend sometimes hard with us when it's family but then that's that's a um it's a pass out to you to be able to understand and what's going on with them if you can get a person to learn sometimes I you know in terms of put people into marrying you know if a person is you're able to say to someone listen you know it's your life you have to you know it's your decision I can't make your life decisions for you but you know make a decision from knowledge you know I can you can go to Israel for a week to learn I'll organize the whole thing then you fundraise it or you speak to other class girl get he'll get he'll get them there right I I guarantee you um and if you get it to go learn go and learn a little bit go and learn go to Israel sometimes the experience being by the coastal and being by a family for Charlotte I would say is the most powerful transformative experience if you can get someone to have an experience like that and that would go true it would be true for anybody but I I would say that both questions this is the first question as well it's hard it's not there's no simple answer there's no like here's the here's the you know take this pill and they're going to become from it's not like that unfortunately it's not like that um but I would just tell you one one point and this is just some experience for my own I was open to to become from myself when I was 17 years old I went to Asia tour to get my brother out right that was my story time I came back and I became wearing a keeper after six weeks my last year high school my best my best and oldest friend after I went back to Yeshiva I learned for a while he said to me listen hi I'm ready to be your friend as long as you say nothing to me about Judaism nothing I don't want to hear anything okay you know he's my friend it's not the relationship is not dependent on me getting him somewhere he's my friend I said no problem right this was when I was maybe 19 years old yeah Baruch Hashem we stayed friends he came on a nature Terror trip when I was working for East London when he was probably in his 30s he married a girl on the trip right still not from about three or four years ago I went back to England and I went out for supper with him you're my friend right at that point you know as we're talking he says I said what's new he said it's time you started doing what the hell could Shabbos the next year I I went we went for went out for for supper he pulled out an article she said what do I have to say again in the morning this is over 20 to 25 years over 25 years later because I kept the relationship he's coming back you know he's not back he's so many Shabbos now and bark Hashem is growing so sometimes we just have to be patient it's you know we would want it to be that and it can be extremely frustrating and painful when it's your family right but if you but my sense is if you understand you want to keep the relation keep the relationship because that's your best chance of keeping them involved number one number two is what is it that you try to understand what is a blocking them what do you think could be the experience that could help them is there somebody that you can get them involved with usually as a family member you're usually the last person is really going to have the Irish bar on them so is there a way of introducing is there somebody else that you know that could be a friend or there's a way of getting him a vote you have to think if there's you have to think clear what's really blocking this person what's really pushing them away how can you get them past that block which might take some consultation with people you know what's a specific thing sometimes that can help and what could there be an experience because that they could have that could help them anybody else or next question Rabbi Samson's answer is Right On Target because having been started here if they call cure before the word was coined because then back in 1970 my father was separated himself from the show where he had been wrote for 25 years and said I don't think this is the answer for the next generation and he made his own business started bringing in college kids before there was such a word as Outreach and that was the year that I got married and came and spent the next two years helping my father's father talk to college kids and to adults long before so there's a Long View and the Long View is exactly as Rabbi Samson said if you have the patience and the persistence and you keep on inviting them and leaving yourself open for them to keep on searching to be a cape that connection it works I just want to give you just a little anecdote of a story that happened to us we were doing tashlik in Denver Colorado a little Lake nearby and um and there's the seedl with the cash cattle and now that all the the watching us and he comes over to start speaking to us in Yiddish he said see them in Denver yeah and said where's the show it's almost two blocks away says I can't just move them from Omaha Nebraska ended up he was Warren Buffett's personal tailor oh my goodness I eat from lunch ended up with his wife they survived the Holocaust and went and lived in Omaha Nebraska it was actually Schneider so he then he told the story he says how did I survive it says my tatic event the breeder my brother was a roof says the family would tell me the I was 14 years old and I didn't want to go back to Yeshiva and so my father told me he says now you're not going to let you go without without being busy and he made me gave me a job to be an apprentice by a tailor Lodge they asked everybody what their professions was Schneider I'm a tailor they took me out to a war camp and I spent the rest of the war making uniforms for the German generals him and his wife he says and then we understood that the the Germans were about to leave and then probably wouldn't mean that they would kill all of us so me and my wife fled into the forest he says my father didn't survive my brothers didn't survive the tummy but the families didn't survive he says why did I survive because because I didn't want to learn third he says do you know what the husband is so he said ask children and now children who are going to the anal Club who are going to now to the day schools right we have no concept of of that length of time we are very impatient we want to see results immediately but Terror brings carliso back you have to have a very long view what we know the answer is as Rabbi as as Rabbi Samson said keep the door open and making sure that they feel that they are absolutely loved unconditionally and accept unconditionally because that is the key that the who knows in which door they will be coming back okay I'm not going to be left because uh it may be three answers to one question be hard to remember um time and there's a fellow by the name of Stephen Covey who says that relationships work like a bank account this is one of the most important things I ever heard and I see it the pile day after day if you deposit a hundred dollars in the bank and then write out a check for ten thousand and try to cash it they will probably say no and they'll say no because you didn't deposit ten thousand so you cannot withdraw ten thousand relationships work exactly this way we make deposits in relationships and those deposits one day will allow us to make a withdrawal but if we don't make deposits and draws pointed very often I am called by people who have a relative who is getting married to a guy next week because Rabbi stop them he loves her they they've got a wedding plan what so he said have you been in touch with them oh I once sent them a cute book foreign I don't even know if that qualifies for the hundred dollars you know if you make deposits one day you can make withdrawals now it sounds to me like in the situation that you're in you can say one day you think that they will marry Graham so the children you it sounds like you could still make deposits because their their kids are not yet intermarried or even engaged is that correct okay so make deposits now what are deposits don't show Judaism down their throat people don't like other people to force them to do things be warm be friendly I have a younger brother who's pretty well known who's known as Ace clatska he works with kids at risk he's a magician and before he was ever married there was a young man he came to visit me in UCLA and uh we had a by us a student not from his name was Jonathan Cohn and he came to visit me Jonathan when my brother Ace was visiting me from New York and they were schmoozing it up at the diamond table and somehow the conversation turned to a a schnapps called golschlager it's got little gold pieces Little Ghost lager his aisle was it the cinnamon right I love I love ghost lager later on the day I went out with my brother shopping we actually went to a thrift store like a secondhand store and as we're leaping through you know some clothing he sees a t-shirt a gold schlager t-shirt so he says we got to buy this for Jonathan it didn't even occur to me you've got an eye for Jonathan I said great so we bought it for Jonathan he calls up Jonathan that he thinks he's Jonathan come back over I got something for you he gives it to Jonathan and Jonathan breaks down crying Jonathan says I want to tell you I come from an abusive home my father used to beat my mother in front of my eyes and used to beat my younger brother but I try to stop him so I would always jump in between to capture the beating instead of my younger brother because he was so he could have injured my brother so that was what kind of family I grew up on I grew up in and never once did I receive a present never once this is the first present I ever received Jonathan today is living in yerushalayim he's a from you and his journey began with a deposit of a silly Goldschlager t-shirt you gotta make the deposits and you can't wait until right it's not about that said it's about friendliness it's about being one in front they actually have over here I can give this afterwards I made bumper stickers see what that says I keep that on me we made this bumper stickers we have it on our van it's a simple message that I never saw another bumper sticker safe if you're from that has to equal that you're friendly and friendliness created so just stick it up and remind whether you see a guy or you think there's a guy who's actually a kid who's thinking of sending this kid to a Jewish Day School and your friendlies is going to be my Korea whatever it is from eco-friendly every hello every sweetness is going to create a deposit that one day and someone needs to make withdrawal because they'll be able to okay so these are free take them afterwards subscribe we have uh maybe the time for uh one or two more questions so uh one question that's asked is as follows how uh regarding social media networking meaning Facebook Etc you know Advocate that but the question is then how is keyword dealing with its new challenges example campus life is now quite different because of Facebook or you know different challenges that you know that we are faced with thank you I don't know if it's a mother to speak back to back yeah yeah it is it is the campus campus professional and also he has social you know Network experience okay so I'll be quick because there's no real answer here um the truth is and we don't really have much of a choice we all do people in our bikes like Partners on my radio show last week when we spoke about the internet I had a young man come on I said call anonymously I you know people say oh what do they need my FIFA for you don't need nacita I said okay I challenge my callers to call in and tell me myself anonymously who somehow got a hold of a miniature uh iPod Touch that's got internet on it and he began staying up till three in the morning missing chakras missing first seder and so on and so forth and uh that was the first phone call but what he said in the beginning of the phone call was he said you know I always heard about that the internet was and and you shouldn't get a smartphone because it connects to the internet and then I saw my Russians if I had one and I see my smartphones and I said if it's good enough for them why isn't it good enough for me we danced a terrible dance and there's not a a a a really strong answer Facebook has there's a tremendous amount of photographers on Facebook and yet I'm very active on Facebook and there are people today who are front because they are nowhere to be found but Facebook now I didn't create shabbat.com as a coach of Facebook AdWords he was kind enough to give me a video uh okay as well as a brother and Feinstein and others and what I have on shabbat.com is a disabled photo feature which is a very strong feature so you can't go bruising around for pictures of pretty girls even so it's very very difficult the axes are very difficult on in my home although I use it uh my kid luck do not have access to them tonight I have 11 children they don't and someone someone asked me on the radio show well what are my kids going to do for entertainment and whatever they did 15 years ago they'll do it today but today we've become a handicapped we don't know what to do I said at the worst of the doors buy the computer with no internet connection and they buy them a digital camera they'll have fun on the camera they'll they'll make nice pictures they'll write they'll be creative and they won't they won't need it but there are great dangers and I look forward to hearing what the good lawyers say there are many many families out there that would like to be involved in Hebrew they would love to invite people over one of the fears they have is what's the influence it's going to have on their children a lot of people today going to have large families my question very specifically is is in another classical we talked about challenging relationship it was a tremendous wonderful answer so it's really directed to the the other two members of the panel or three people like that that is um what do you do with your children and how do you present what you're doing with your children in ways that they can appreciate it and more importantly not feel that they're being left out I'm a mental health professional and even a lot of children and a lot of the issues that come up are my parents don't notice I'm here the question is if you're going to start bringing more people into your house or nothing related and you just want to experience Shabbos how do you do that and let your children feel that they're not left out and they're out of the process let me answer the answer my children gave who birthing some they're all now married have their own families and they have said over and over again that it's true when they were growing up they sometimes resented all the guests that were at our Shoppers table didn't get maybe enough time they wanted to be able to say their invite her and they couldn't get dominated the conversations says every single one that says but what I learned what I learned by behaving that kind of discussion going on at every Shoppers table says in the in the scope of my life it has given me that which I've needed to be able to go on and meet the challenges of today's world so while the moment is uncomfortable as long as our premise is that we do we have a the same deterior will be Megan your children will learn more will by learning by having people come in than by isolating and protecting them I just want to just add just another because I thought about it and I said it to myself before we started said before you do a Mitzvah every Mitzvah you have to be macabo the midst of the hospital we're about to talk about I said to myself we're about to talk about kiru what's the premise the after commercial this week's parchment without the drama which is right next to each other he says you cannot reach out to make a change in another person's life without first bring my kind of commercial our children see when we care and our children will see how to care for another Jew and they learn how we care for each other by learning by example rather than the hypothetical I asked um when I was a few years back I asked her if Noah weinberg's itself the question what do you say to people when they say it's going to affect you know it's going to have a negative effect in my family and then I asked your view tell booklets and the same uh sitting the same tour of ferris's role so Ragnarok said to me he said you know the best form of Defense the best form of defense is attack right that if if you are ready to bring these people into your home and to care about them then you're showing that you're showing your children that this is not something to be afraid of you know and and the book was a similar similar concept when I said to him he said he said to me who are they trying to kid right but by not bringing these people into their home they're going to protect from them from the outside influence you just have to walk outside today it's all around you by bringing people into your home you're showing you're not we can you have to prepare your children of course you do you you bring you tell your children that these are members of client Israel they don't know any better they're our brothers and sisters we have to show them the beauty of you this guy that wears okra to have right and you share that you share that with them I just saw recently that in the last week a film that was an old film made in England was made by uh Riley grunfeld from seed of uh interview with scheinberg's itself um who he asked him this question what do people say when you bring them for Shabbos and you're gonna you know it's gonna have a negative influence he just said it won't it won't happen everywhere it's gonna have negative influence then there's another film which he made from the same question he said it won't be it won't bring them down it will be magazak them so then why are you asking your question if that's the case so I think the answer is that when a person is involved in kirov you are stories there's no question there's people who are curious professionals have problems with their children right there's no questions about it I I so I'm not judging anybody but what I can say is that you have to make it like Rabbi twersky saying that you indicated in your question you have caring has to start you've got to care about your children as much or any more than anybody else and your children know that so if they if you if you're sharing this with them and you're making them feel that they're first and you're making them share their Torah with everybody else they'll feel the love from you if they're feeling from you that you don't care about them you oh you're my sugar anything you care about those because I don't care my family you're gonna have problems but if you're a healthy individual meaning kirov doesn't take away the the everyday problems that anybody has a career professional whoever is is not a perfect human being and there's only issues and so and so forth so so yes you have to start with your family and care about them but if you bring them into it and certainly you give them the tension that there's need there's no reason why this should be negative just something to note that you should keep your eyes open all the time if you see that there is a problem don't ignore it and I think that can also go on if you see the there's a kid that is being affected and right you can't just keep you know put on the blinkers and ignore it but in general what it seems to be the godoli Israel seems to be saying that when you do this if you do it in the right way with sensitivity with others Israel it will be because of your children more than anything and the question was not addressed to me so my answer right I just want to play one one thing based on what Rabbi Sampson said which is the best defense is a good offense uh what I do with my children we have a lot of guests each week from ridiculously different backgrounds uh what I do is we actually have a meeting before each hours and I tell them what to expect but the job will be this week we had a herzelia school from Montreal which is one of those Dreadful community schools that have been around for 100 years where there's nobody who has a clue what they're doing 500 Jewish kids so they came so I explained to them what a community school was what to expect what to be careful about and they felt very involved before we ever began the second thing is they my kids sit next to me and I don't care even though some of my younger kids leave the table which creates this gap between me and the guests like a few seats away my kids have to know that they're the priority so I protect my kids seeds which could be a lot because I have eight Sons so when they're all home academic the very first guest is nine seats away but I don't care because the lesson the guests will get as well as my own kids will get is that they are my priority yeah I'll uh I think she's gonna wrap it up I will Echo that but I never moved my son's seats and he's always sitting right next to me again we've had tons of so keep them in the fall keep them neck connected with you have the meetings I wish we have gotten to all the questions if you have any personal questions you can come to the uh we're up here now I want to thank everybody I want to thank goodbye torski Rabbi Samson brother classical for an outstanding Channel