Q&A: When Therapy is not Enough - Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch

[Music] the next viewer wrote in a question about their experience with psychologists and therapy and they want to know what should they do next Dear Abby Sean Bock I had a very difficult childhood when I was about 12 years old my father lost his job and my family suffered financial woes for many years soon after that my mother got sick and I felt that I was burdened with taking care of the other children I lived a relatively good life but I do experience some sadness when I think back to what had happened in the earlier part of my life I have tried therapy for years psychoanalysis CBT even EMDR but I'm not feeling relief from my sadness what should I do next dear viewer you're asking a tremendous question and I'm so sorry that you went through these difficulties when you were child there's no question if you as a child watched your father lose his job and then your mother have a physical illness you obviously suffering from a lot of trauma as a child and in truth many people that come to me for advice and for help who suffer with depression or anxiety or just a lot of emotional distress often experience very difficult childhoods the question is how do you overcome these difficulties now and in the present I'm so glad that your life is basically good but it's distressing to hear that despite the fact that you've been to therapy for years you're still feeling a lot of sadness this is a question that many people come to me with as a therapist I see clients that have been to one two or three therapists before me at times they've tried almost everything unfortunately they spent a lot of time focusing on their past and looking for quick results however I want to tell you as follows there's a very famous psychologist who she's been practicing psychology for over 40 years and she initially believed that she could help people as well many years ago while treating the depression by talking about their and hopefully the problems would go away in the present but she found after a lot of research and a lot of time spent with clients it just didn't work well though she would sell herself as a therapist that would solve all their problems fairly quickly the truth is in life that if a person suffered trauma as a child they may suffer with it for many many years therefore therapy as we know today doesn't always help people that suffer from long-term emotional distress and then she writes it's important that a person also practices daily meditation and spirituality and finds goals they can focus on in the future as well it seems to me from your question that that would be important for you too many people look towards therapy as answering all of their problems they think if they can solve their past they can live a better present and a better future it's not necessarily true that maybe one half of a person their past they also have to pivot and focus on their future let me tell you a story I once met with a woman who lost one of her parents in a tragic car accident several years ago and she suffered for a few years with depression and post-traumatic stress and didn't know how to get over it she tried medication psychotherapy and nothing would work I spent a few months helping her with cognitive behavior therapy and EMDR for post-traumatic stress disorder she did make some improvement but she still suffered greatly and I decided a third that instead of just focusing her past let's also focus on her future let's try to find out are the things that she could accomplish beyond herself it turned out that her mother was a volunteer in an organization that helped young children overcome cancer I suggested that instead of just doing therapy perhaps she should also take up her mother's cause and do something for that same organization she went on a walk for this organization raised money and eventually she decided to support one of the programs and raise a lot money and put her mother's name on that program over a six-month period she started working on developing this organization and raising money and helping and she did report that she felt much better than she felt in the past and I believe the reason was she was focusing less on the past and more on her future she was feeling less paralysed and now more mobilized she was actually doing something more meaningful and creative in her life which was giving her a greater sense of meaning therefore I believe in many instances instead of just focusing on the past a person also needs to focus on their future it may be different between different people some people need to do assess it some people need to give to others other people need to become more creative meaning play music write poetry start painting learning how to express themselves and experiencing different things in life while other people need to increase their amount of exercise and exercise with a goal if you could bike two miles try to bike five if you can run one mile try to run two or three miles always try to grow in life and try to achieve something much greater than yourself whether it's tensed whether it's in creativity maybe it's an art maybe it's a music or exercise or it could be in Torah learning perhaps somebody that's trying to deal with the sadness of losing some of their life could instead dedicate time to learn something in the Torah to finish a chapter of the Torah or a book of the Torah or a book on Jewish philosophy perhaps that will be a meaningful act that will project a person beyond their past and into their future and therefore I'm not going to say that therapy isn't helpful but I'd like to suggest that you mix your therapy was also trying to acquire and achieve sort of things in your future as well welcome to this new series in Vita Brut called marriage matters my name is rabbi Daniel Samba and on the license and family therapist based in New York and around the world via Skype on this important series I will be answering your questions you have about marriage relationships dating parenting and about any issue dealing with family and relationships but more than what I have to say I want to hear what you have to say so please email to this address and send in your question and I'll try to answer as many questions on this Michelle