Rabbi Benzion Klatzko - How To Be The Best Parent In The World

[Music] we'd like to once again mention Zilpah bas berroco this is the Leland is Mata to remember a Zilpah you see her son somebody very big in the community grandchild very very appropriate when meant when remembering a grandparent to look at the grandkids and see the legacy the tradition the values that they passed down and clearly Zilpah has as Fatima and Scotland shaman so kids I know a little something about kids thank God I got 11 of them and sometimes my students say rabbi when you're gonna stop aren't you worried about overpopulation sigh tell them all I think I'll stop at 6 million not actually stop but but if we have to continue the Jewish people have nothing to be ashamed of and we have nothing to hold us back the world certainly owes us and we have a lot of kids because we value kids we value kids when people say I think I want to have one point three kids it's not a matter of having a small amount of kids it's a matter of our kids valuable right we don't put limits on the wealth that we obtain and children are much greater riches than money in a bank account so if we can have that opportunity we want to grab that opportunity it's so beautiful it's so it's it's it's our future it's our legacy it's what's called the our Yad Vashem the second thing is that we happen to be good at raising kids and this is something that I that I I'm gonna speak a little bit about tonight but we should be aware of this that the Torah gives us amazing values to raise our kids with that work and it's not that we don't have issues in our community we do we're human beings and every community has its issues but as a whole were really good at raising kids it starts off with believing in God now when you believe in a God when you believe in Hashem and dad Hashem says honor your parents well when mommy and daddy or mommy adopt the Abba Nima tell you to do something it's not them saying it it's God saying it it's got moral authority and that's huge to Padova in and we're just we're simply quite good at it and I want to start off with abracada we should if we have kids we should see not us from them and if we have difficult kids which you see not us from them and and grandkids at the end of the day children have something called the Shirokov sheet which means their free will and we may want our children to do one thing but just like we had a choice at some point in our lives to be like our parents or not to listen or not and some things we did in some things we absolutely didn't instead of being wracked with guilt why some kids did not turn out the way that we wanted we should be aware that at a certain point the kid is their own entity and so our job to put in the good stuff as much of the good stuff as we can the end of the day where's our Shem I did my best I did my best and our child that has free will and hopefully the child will take all the information and inspiration and experiences and love that we gave them and I'll take that and they'll do something great with it so I want to go on a journey with you tonight it's a simple journey we go very deep into this journey but we're not going to we're gonna bring out eight points and I'm going to show you how we'll do this I have in front of me a himesh Hamas right and my students I'm a college rabbi and my students is there ever what exactly is in this book is it history is it science what is the book of who mushy what is the book of Torah now Torah means law it has laws in it but what is it and if you want to know the answer to this all you gotta do is go down the block go into a Jewish school go into a Talmud Torah with five-year-olds and six-year-olds and the eight-year-olds are sitting in front of the romish and they're going like this they're swaying back and forth and the teacher is teaching them from the hummus and you may think that okay they're starting with Boresha spreadsheet full of stories but that's not quite so Torah is a book of moral lessons it is full of moral lessons and our massara our tradition is we teach it like that as a matter of fact it's one of the best reasons to send your kids to a good Jewish school because when they learn Torah they're not just reading stories but they're learning lessons when they read about payback north Noah Noah built a big arc and the animals went in said that sounds like a wonderful story the Lions and the Bears and the Tigers that went up the ramp you closed up the big flood but that's not how we learn it you know how we learn it we learned that no I've stayed up all day and all like what was he doing what was he doing he was feeding animals because it's our job to be compassionate to animals that's a moral lesson we learn that's not when it started raining she didn't run into the daiva he didn't run into the ark why he should have run right in you know why he didn't run in so i rabbis teachers come because i'll teachers he wasn't making Tom er money he didn't believe in God he had to wait until it was thundering and lightning he didn't believe so what's the lesson to believe before things get too bad you understand everything in the toilet is a lesson of Rama V mu I've well my floor father is buying a good plot for his wife Sarah who had passed away and he's he's negotiating with Ephraim the 50 and effort says I'll take it your wife passed away you want my cave double cave take it enjoy it Rama says no no I don't want to take it I want to pay for it I've run with smart he knows you got it for free can take it back no I want to pay for it how much so then they're friends okay you want to pay for I'll ask just you know 400 bars of silver just borrows a big heavy silver millions of dollars one second a minute ago you said take it for free and now you're asking millions of dollars right away our rabbis teach to own what satori doing here if teaching you a lesson don't be like this person Ephraim who was Mr hard babe a semat he said I'll do a lot I'll give it to you for free but at the end of the day he didn't plan on doing anything he wanted the money everything in the Torah is about a lesson about washing Hara gossip about laziness about faith about charity the lessons are there in the tone and that's what the stories are and that's the correct way to teach our Torah and that's how our children learn the Torah so for example Aram we learned that I Brahma no when he invited guests in he had four openings to his tent how many of you have heard of that Avril Lavigne had four openings north south east and west his tent normally you don't want to have a lot of temps a lot of doors and your attempt openings because a tent is supposed to be a protection so you have one opening to the tent of ramen and opening on every side why so that when a guest would come two guests shouldn't have a moment of panic how do I get in this tent I'm not so hot I'm so hungry I'm so thirsty I gotta get him attempt so in every corner every side north-south is Lewis there was an opening one a lesson look how we treat a guest we welcome a guest we make a guest feel good that's a lesson so because that's the correct way to learn and teach Torah it stands to reason listen carefully it stands to reason that there are all sorts of gold nuggets in our Torah about how to raise children there are these gems there that teach us brilliant godly advice and there's a lot there and what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna share with you a few and I'm gonna show you where the Torah this advice comes comes out and then I'm going to bring it down practically with either an example or a story and this will be advice both for making our children comfortable safe and growth-oriented and also when they come to school and school is very brutal right now how many of you want to be back in seventh grade not I says the rabbi no I don't want to be no seventh grade no high school that's not we feel bad for kids right my kids watch this recording they're gonna be nodding as they hear this but it's true because it's tough school is tough there is judgment then there's homework and their schoolwork and it's hours and hours and hours and then there's all the cattiness right there's all of the the the groups and the cliques and the bullies and the nerds and the friends and the tests and the judgments and the report cards it's a really tough life to be a kid how do we navigate our kids through that toughness so that they should come away unharmed not damaged maybe even the opposite maybe even can we dream have a good experience in school I don't know about you you know a little bit torn about that yes school is tough so through the Torah we can find advice so I wrote down from each of the a volte mouth we're going to share with you some do's and some don't do's and you'll even hear that some of the do not some of the don't dues were done by the vote they actually did those things and the Torah criticized them we say that's how you know the Torah is true because even the greatest people were criticized so we're gonna speak about some of the things that they did do amazing and certain things that the Torah says even though this may look bad that Davo did it but we must mention it because there's an important lesson to learn okay so and we're gonna start with this Abraham the forefather the first of the forefathers remember each of the forefathers there were three of them Romney at stock and Yaakov Abraham was the first because he taught kindness he had Scott toward prayer and Yaakov the third of the four fathers taught Torah learning and the Jewish people begin with kindness that's why we needed Avram and not only was a wrong kind but he wanted to extend his kindness to everyone and we mentioned how he was when he invited guests inviting them opening up all the doors the way he treated them the guests were his big thing he loved inviting Gaza's I loved inviting guests also I think it's a wonderful thing it's so Jewish and the guest doesn't have to mean somebody who is poor they could just be somebody who needs the company somebody who's travelling somebody needs a home away from home okay Avraham Avinu Avram our forefather was given a commandment to circumcise himself now he wasn't young he was quite old when he circumsized themself and because he was old he was almost a hundred it wasn't on he's almost odd years old can you imagine how painful so Rama V knew it's three days of intense pain after circumcision especially if you're older so it's more like an operation I've had students who have gotten circumcision now and they're eight days when they're 28 years old it's a big operation and it's painful so I Shannon said you know what I'm gonna do I'm going to make it very hot outside and nobody's gonna come no one's gonna want to come outside the heat and therefore I've wrong won't have to trouble himself to tend to guests so it says in the Torah it says in the Gemara see I encourage borrow who as a comma mean our tika the almighty took the Sun out of its pocket it's got a pocket maybe that's the ozone layer I don't know what that are tika is and it began to shine very brightly I know what I wanted to go outside it was way too hot but I've Rama veena was not to be deterred so our drama veena I thought my forefather he waited outside in the burning hot heat on the third day of the circumcision three days afterwards the most painful day he's waiting Sasha misses he badly wants to have guests sorry sham sentence and three angels we know this story and when the angels came they were dressed up like just people who were you smiling from the caravan they were just they look like Arabs they look like nomads Bedouin and I've run saw them he was so excited and he said you know my my son his smile he had one son he smiled he had that son twelve years before he said he smiled go quickly prepare food for our guests I remember yesh Morel was the son of Avram why did I run send his son to go prepare food for the guests so this is going to be a rule number one you must involve your children in your acts of has said I have seen parents who are very involved in the community they'll be there for the minyan they'll be there making food for somebody who's sick or someone who just had a baby but they don't want to bother their kids they don't want to trouble their kids it's mine but I don't want to impose on them that's a big mistake if you want to involve your children says Rashi as a dramedy who wanted to drain any smile in the art of how to take care of guests we do this all the time we should get our children involved amidst vote and not do it for them not on the silver platter make them do it yeah God they got babysitting money by them but stuck a box a here whenever you make money babysitting 10% goes to charity put it in their room say together when the charity box is filled up or presented to the rabbi will present make them involved if you're having guests we are bar for some many guests our children are involved they set the table and believe me it's not like seven the table for six people my my kids but Hashem we have 60 70 80 people every week so how do my kids do it my kids put on rollerblades that's really what they do have rollerblades and they rollerblade around we have a big dining room and they go like this with the plates play play play play play I don't giving out the plates for you but it looks terrible but it's been it involves them they're involved have them make the collar you know it is our custom to involve the children of its own yes mommy can make collar but bring the little child over have the little child help bake the challah involve your children and they will love Torah do it for them and they won't help they won't be brought in an every place where you can get them involved I see a menorah over there we're on a sure there's a menorah there for years I have not set up my menorah once in years my children set it up they set up the menorah they know and they set up theirs and they set up Tottie's get them involved that's always he from my rum but how does this work it'll only work and this is Part B of this number one rule get them involved but they have to see that you're not a hypocrite they have to see that you do the work as well there is a mindset I don't wanna you know I'm sure no one in the tools like this but there is a mindset that children are there to do our bidding there dear there are children on our slaves children are not there to send a mess together we do it together we invite Shabbat we invite guests together we make pacer together we clean the house together how did he smile know that okay it's my job to help out how did he feel that you know how he knew it because he looked at her from and what was a problem doing he was sitting outside in a day that was historically hot waiting for guests suppose you smile say to himself wow if Danny its cares so much about guests that he's waiting outside in the burning hot Sun then I can go and prepare some food for guests you've got to be willing to be involved and then the kids will be involved they will see from you don't be a hypocrite at this this is about everything if it's darling if you tell them diverting is important so go you have to be a darling as well then they will see darling is important whatever you want them to consider important I'll tell you something very interesting we're gonna go deep for one moment okay go deep in the story of our own i kidnapped yet Scott Key was bringing his son up on the altar to be sacrificed lash em said around karna has been caught yes sure after as it's what pink the son that you love get stuck and bring him up to the mountain that I will show you and bring him up as a sacrifice so right away of rum said okay God you want me to bring my son up I'm gonna go do it and he began to bring his son and the son knew were going to bring his sacrifice okay they're walking up the mountain they're walking and then suddenly it's like the son his father and says you know something is missing here we're bringing a sacrifice he says he says my yummy it's not alive Rama V and his cook says to Abram his father former avi he's his father by young man he mein Leben II and here my son Valmer and yet Huck says he may ha ich I see the fire there hates him and I see the wood the ia hacelle Allah but where is the cell where is the sheet that we're gonna sacrifice where is the ship we're going to do a sacrifice but I don't see an animal here and I brought me answers for you my rom hello Kim Gura lawyer said low lopunny Hashem will show the sad Lola that will be brought up my son fat yellowish name the octave and then walked up together and the rabbi's teach us that the words that are Brahm used were very precise he did not say all there's gonna be a sheep he said these words he says Hashem I will show the the said the sacrifice Billy Benny my son my son it is you you're the one that Hashem says I should sacrifice for Yahoo Naomi octave and they went together they walked up together he understood it some understood that it was him who was gonna be killed that day but they went together say here's the question two things have to be pointed out it's so interesting this whole puzzle very interesting number one why didn't you just say it's gonna be you why do you say hello kidding your God will show to say my son so the answer to that is simple when we have to give our kids hard news we tried to cushion it will try to cushion it this is important in the olden days the 1940s in the 1950s you know give it to him straight he's got a got to grow up he's gotta grow up today we know that's not like that people are very they're gentle and they're they're sensitive and when we have something harsh to say we have to figure out a way to say it that we don't have to brace for the storm afterwards I would came here Michelle is gonna show it my son by a lush they inactive and they went together question why did he get hook why was he willing to go whoa why didn't he scream and yell you know the answers I never saw this answer anywhere but I spoke it over somebody that's what I think I think it's I think it's MS when you suck understood that he was the one being sacrificed he looked into his father's eyes and he said dad you must be so hurting you must be hurting you've been waiting a hundred years for me you must be in so much pain yes out of the one that the almighty wants to sacrifice but you're the father who has to live afterwards he looks into his father's eyes and when he saw that his father [Music] it was going to listen to the almighty was my knee I himself lowered himself humbled himself before God and said yes and the King gorilla said I shall is showing me Hashem has told me to me it's supposed to be you and I accept that so it's cook says back if you accept it then I accepted file hosting active and they're gonna get walked up together hand in hand arm and arm that's what I believe the shot the pasta cos if the father had been weeping believe me yet struck had wept would have wept and would have put up a tantrum wouldn't have gotten him on the mountain but there was no hypocrisy there was love and acceptance my parent my father you accept than me your son I accept what a beautiful awesome lesson involve your kids in the midst but involve yourself as well let them see and we see this throughout the stories in the turret now his smile his smile was the first son of a rum and he was a problematic child it doesn't say he was evil by the way you smile we know if you look at his children children children you have the Arabs today Islam comes from you smile comes from i from we don't see that he was bad what it says in the Torah was he was para Adam yoga by Col Fiat Kobo he was involved with everything he was a little bit of a wild man he was or he called para Adam but in eunsuk Hashem says Yitzhak keeping its cookie Carla Hazara from instruct you our children Yitzhak is your destiny he is not as the Jewish people yes luck is mashiac from Jude Scott will come to Carly so welcome to Google cover to Quran not you smile and have ROM couldn't accept it I brought me had a tough time yes but look at his smile he was willing to have a circumcision at the age of 13 look at how industrious he is Hashem says yes God wobbly yeah he too will be great he also operations come from him but everyone couldn't take it I can't send them away Sarah says he got him I have your truck get her has to be pure from yet stuff is gonna come Yaakov at from the Opera I can accomplish multum and they cannot be influenced by a pair of them do you want your stuff to be a pair of them a wild person who would the bow and the arrow is shooting animals in the forest if that way you want to get hook to be send them away and I wonder I can't and I Shannon says you've got to cause your Tom I love how Sarah Schwab Nicola everything that Sarah says listen we find that fathers have this this judgment that's clouded sometimes we find that I've them had a cloud of judgment when it came to its Huck we find that use Huck had somewhat of a cloud of judgment when it came to a sub versus Yaakov we find a Yaakov had a cloud of judgment when it came to favoring his son Joseph somehow it's art it's a double-edged sword that the forefathers had and that we as fathers have and I'll tell you what it is it's something unique to Jewish womanhood that men Jewish men were not blessed with it was that our share it is that deeper understanding of the true sure of who the child is as parents we want to believe that our kids rock that our kids are awesome our kids are the best yeah or a father go around boasting about his kid my kids this son he's so handsome and he's so successful the mother knows better the mother understands better the mother carried the baby for nine months nothing can replace that the mother may have nursed the child for another year or two that bond that created an understanding that men simply don't have and because of that there are mistakes that were made in the Torres very clear about it how do we how do we put that into practice today so in one word men listen to your wives they're smart they have that Bhima is favorite that extra level of understanding of what a child needs and I tell this to the men who are listening sometimes we fall into what we know our dads did like this so we have to do like this our top is yelled or they made us get straight A's or straight olives or they made us and sometimes the mothers you ease up they had a hard day let me make it let me make them their favorite dish that let be a little bit nice and so there's no we dig in we dig in as a father no it's got to be this way again this is lesson number two we learn from the Evoque delete mode that women have this blessing of understanding the nature of children better than the husbands too and we should use that we shouldn't be stubborn sometimes we're stubborn we know it's equal it's not equal we didn't carry the baby for nine months we didn't and it wasn't just that there was all those years those formative years while the child was at home than in kindergarten and pre-k there we were at the office we were at work most of the time someone was looking after and taking care and understood what the child's favorite tape was or CD was or the child's favorite dish was how the child likes their pillow and their blanket exactly's they understand the nature the child can you imagine dad comes from the Torah that's not modern mother mama that's my hot water think that's the Torah the Torah says men back off a little the women have done a good job listen to them it doesn't mean they're always right people can be wrong but there is that deep connection but there's a part two to this as well and the part two is sometimes we want to believe that our children are so good that we don't see their faults we don't see their shortcomings we want to believe and the Torah says you're making a mistake I've wrong wanted to believe that then your smile could be the the forefather of Cline sir what did I promise a really small dish like you telefónica if only I don't need another yet I don't need your I don't even really small if his smile lives and it becomes the forefather of the Jewish people I'm cool with that I'm good with that not good enough yet huh he favored ace of he was ready to give ace of all of Oz an you know it's a very interesting thing you want to understand you look at you look at the torrents fascinating when you suck and Rivka had children so Yitzhak so the first child come out and call the masive he was very hairy he was very hairy and then the next child came out and worried he gets a call call call him Yakov he called the MEAC of Yakov means ankle heel second place if you look in the Torah Rivka does not call him Yakov you're never finding risk Adam like that name Rifkin said he's not second place he's future Kaiser if you look at the lushly look at what it says it says they called him a self and he called him Yakov there's because no you're not understanding so that's lesson number two again it's a two-parter number one the women have that beena you say that deeper understanding so back off listen to what they're saying they have a better gauge on the temperature of the child and number two don't assume your kids are in a place in spirituality where they're not and I want to say one more thing about this today you know in our community we suffer from a concept called kids at risk where children you know there are risk whether it's from substances or whether it's killed shabbos desecrating Shabbos and very often usually its father sometimes it's mothers usually fathers don't understand where their children are really holding and by the time they come to terms by the time they make peace okay my child is not going to be this but at least they're here by the time they understand that the child's are ready down here and then by the time you come to that realization they're even further down you have to be realistic with who your child is and listen to your wife number three [Music] when yes Kafka was ready to give the blessings to his two children so remember en toutes soldier a sub who is a wicked son Yakov who was really cool was a righteous son and his was gonna give ace of the blessings the brothers but Rivka through her wisdom made sure that Yaakov would get the brothers Yaakov comes give us the food and he says please get up my father this is this is the food that God that our Shen has presented me with and the its cousin that's interesting you mentioned God I don't remember my son Asaph mentioning God I don't remember my son a sub being so nice come father please get up using the word please I don't remember it so saying please who are you really not a took his was blind he did he couldn't see what son was rich but he knew the older son ASA was hairy so he says who are you so he said put on your hand so that I can feel you sayago put out his hand and yet spelled Yaakov and Yaakov his hand was hairy it was hairy now why was it hearing because rifka and her wisdom took a little bit of the sheepskin put it on Yaakov so that when he felt the when he felt the skin he realized that it was a sub really wasn't there was Yaakov he's oh I'm so sorry I thought maybe you were Yaakov which really he was I know I may be confusing you now but really it was lack of yet Scott thought I was a son and he said I'm sorry for thinking that you tricked me and he blessed him now you didn't have to follow that but let me tell you the point I want to make he is Huck admitted to his son I made a mistake this is lesson number three we think as parents were supposed to be infallible we cannot make a mistake and if we make a mistake we cannot admit it so lesson number three we see from the Torah that even when a parent makes a mistake they should tell the child I was wrong I am sorry not only that but it says that Yitzhak gave ya a good a blessing because he had suspected him wrongfully and therefore he plants them which is from where we get the law that if your clothes should pick shame if you judge someone unfavorably by accident you owe them a blessing so if I say hey why weren't you here on time and you say I was here you didn't notice oh I'm so sorry I plus you should be a rich man that's where it comes from if you suspect somebody all right that that is unjust you have to give them a blessing but we see from here that parents should apologize to their children when they are wrong you know this is really hard to hear but for parents that are sitting here in the audience you should know that there's a really good chance that your children have certain things in their heart that they never told you incidences things that have happened to them when they were young well they were yelled at and they didn't deserve it when they were accused for doing something and it wasn't the way it should be and they never told you and it's sitting somewhere there in their heart and if you want to have a really difficult but important conversation one day you sit down with your child and say you know it's before us Shoshanna it's before Yom Kippur if I ever did something that you felt was not right I want to know about it I just had this with one of my children but wasn't wasn't fun one of my children tell the piano in front of the camera tell you what it was one of my children when he was younger he's older he's married now one of my children when he was younger he would Davin you would pray very quickly he would davon smart answer he got the book over there and then you take three steps back that's not a Dominic you hook it you can't say the words that I can't say the words that fast the words take time you know I'll dome up there were takes time to say the words so one day I took my son I said you know what you know I'm gonna do come in front of a tape recorder and I'm gonna time how long it takes you to say the words and they won't you ever do that to your kids terrible my mom did it to me yeah right you might get our gear oh yeah you're gonna do it tonight you will tape recorder so he stood in front of a tape recorder I made him and say the old someone is right and it took him like 16 minutes I said yours you say it in two minutes flat took you so you're not saying the words yellow there we go I did this when he was young you know what he told me just a few weeks ago he said that story always bothered me he said because you know what I was thinking when I was a child you know what I thought to myself I thought it's different when he we have to say words out loud it's true takes longer to say and he said every time I made a mistake in a word you made me go back so that took time and this took that so he says it wasn't really 16 minutes so I felt like your point didn't sit well with me it like I had to if I did I was such a good relationship with his son I didn't know this story Friday know what was he like 10 years old you know 16 years it bothered him enough to tell me now isn't that fascinating so I could say I'm sorry I'm sorry you know I you know he's still diving too fast that's true but maybe that wasn't a great way to prove it to you when you hurt your children don't don't feel bad don't feel you're lowering yourself by apologizing sometimes that's all a child needs to hear how many children are walking around or spending thousands of dollars in therapy which like that can disappear if the parent would just say I'm sorry I lost my temper too often I got angry too often I hit you in an unjustified way I hate you out of anger I a you know I didn't give you the attention you know I thought I did but I really but that apology can go so for sometimes that's all we need to hear and that is what the Torah teaches us from yet very fascinating okay we're gonna move a little bit faster over here so we know that Yaakov made a mistake the Torah said he made a mistake and the mistake was that he favored his son one son over the other sons there were 12 sons and he favored yo safe now the rabbi's teacher say Yosef was an amazing human being all the spot the more but the Olson in particular he deserved that special attention he was a very big pal McCollum he was a great scholar he was very clever he was he was he felt this bond to his father and don't forget he was the oldest child of the wife that Yaakov wanted to marry he was Rachel the hell's oldest child and her mother helped pass the way so it's his late wife's oldest child and he was so good-looking he was so pretty joe said that he looked like his mom so it's understandable that he felt close as the wife that I love looks like and yet cuz I'll teach us that because he favored one child over the other children the Jewish people ended up in the Exile of Egypt for hundreds of years hundreds of the years an entire nation because a parent favored one child over the other what are we you see from here so let's be let's be honest here okay for those of you that have many children every child gives us different headaches and different smiles different novice and some of the children that we have give us more headaches and some of them give us more smiles you know why cuz they bring you I don't know it's you know don't you give him a lot of smiles hopefully right not a now for sure a lot of smiles and there's no question that a parent is gonna favor a child that makes their life a little bit easier so the tour warms us whatever we do don't cause jealousy don't cause jealousy we don't even cause jealousy safe house out in my sebaceous between trees God doesn't cause that jealousy how much more so between children and this is a big problem and I'll tell you why this is a problem and we're just gonna spell it out there's a lotta comes from the pus ik Han Oakland our alpide Erica from Mishler can Oakland our educated child I'll pee Taco according to the what the child needs GaN kiosk in the Ostrom women who even when he gets old he won't stray from it from this verse we see that every child needs a different education for this child you're very upset that they got a baby a B or C or a base or gimel on a test for this child you cooperate good job you got a/c you didn't fail because his child made me could do better this child can't the problem is how do you do one meaning educate each child differently and yet not make them jealous of each other hear the question here the question back there okay this is very reliable every kid has to be you can't create cookie cutter children every child is different but on the other hand you can't make them jealous of each other so you know what you have to do you have to make it so clear to every child as if they are the only child in the family if you could love each child and give each child time I give each child your undivided attention and make your child heard when they are the grievance or gripe when the child feels so connect them so special then if another child gets something else they will understand they will come to understand that children have to be brought up differently and I'm not like my team my she's like not like honey and honey it's not like Miriam we're all different but it only works if you're there if the love for each child is such so then what do you make exceptions each child understands that you know we have a custom I like this custom by the way if you have kids younger kids at a certain age my wife and I we send our kids to Israel it's a big thing for us for our children to love Israel Eretz Israel I want my children to love Israel and you know how we're gonna get them to love it when they're young 13 years old 14 spend a summer there go by RT Kim go buy good Glee da go buy shwarma go to the old city go and egged buses here and then go have a great time what Israel and then you're gonna want to come back the problem is that the younger kids watch the older kids go so we tell them you're gonna have a time I love you this is not your time yet the children are not jealous if you give them all equal love then you could educate them differently and punish them differently or chastise them differently or direct them differently that's the grand challenge but Yaakov according to the according to the haha he didn't do that he favored Yosef and it caused tremendous jealousy now just before then I want to mention something when Rivka was expecting lack of an a sub so here she's expecting expecting twins now you ever see someone expecting twins very big Baruch Hashem we should Davin my daughter's expecting twins now she's entering sooner ninth month mr. tishell should be good say Amen man so expecting twins so one of the as they passed a shul they pass the baton to Josh so the twin whoo-whoo-whoo one of the twins began to kick to come out of the big be judge I want to go to learn Torah and then when they passed the house of avodah Zarah when they passed the house of idol worship the other one of the twins wanted to get out now Rivka did not know she was expecting twins she didn't understand that so terrific it was very confusing why is it that whichever kid is in my stomach wants to come out when I passed the synagogue when I pass the baton the judge but also wants to come out when I pants with idol-worshipping house so she went to shame the haver and and said what kind of the kid do I have is this kids kid so frantic the kid like watch the watch the survive Shambo wants to serve idols and shame they ever said no it's two different children warning children wants is going to be a child that wants to learn Torah one of the children gonna be a child that's going to be at Sadiq and another one of your children unfortunately is gonna run towards idols now question what does that mean doesn't a child that they even see through her stomach didn't like how that work did Yaakov see the baby Bajaj through her stomach and then try to kick that he did he understand what I meant to kick to come out and hey what what what does that even mean and by the way this this is what it says in the Torah it's not a mattress does the Torah the doors is by his rotors who I wanna be care about and they dig try to get out for your man she said it even came Rama's they are no he what a what a move what am I gonna do all the kid whose kids are on they yell at leaders as I said she she she went to she went to ask what's the what's the story so how do we understand this the answer is so scary answer but the answer is yes and yes our children are affected from when they're in the stomach all the way through don't wait to start educating your children after they're born the day that you find out you're expecting to kosher don't let that child eat not kosher you put the non kosher your mouth your child's eating that kosher education a person came to a rabbi had a newborn baby and said look at me I want to educate my child my child was born today I know it's early but how do i educate my child when the rabbi answered you're wrong it's not early it's late you should have started nine months ago when the child was in their mother's stomach already too high suppose what you see what the mother sees goes into the baby what the mother hears that child already theirs there's a mission mothers a soul and the soul is so sensitive that even in the mother's stomach already the child is being formed and changed what a great and scary and powerful lesson well say if you add the last quick ones we'll finish with a story sometimes we have to understand that were powerless to change our children we try we offer rewards incentives we send them to the best is she vote we spend lots of money but and the end the child is like we've said in the beginning of the talk the child has bashira have sheath the child has free will but I want to tell you something from resumption Pinkus restriction pin concedes to say that the tears of prayer water the birth and the development of the child it's the tears of the prayer and the word that we speak to Hashem and the more we cry for our children and the more we let them know that we are darling for them the greater effect it has on them so when our child when one of my children is taking a test has a big test today before they leave they'll turn to my wife they'll say mommy please dive in for me because mommy's fellows help mommy's prayers help and the parents should tell the children by the way I dive in for you by the way I think about you by the way you're in my tears by the way in Schmeichel a new you had a job interview I prayed in Bari Kalle knew you had a test I prayed another don't ask I have you in mind not just when I like the candles Friday night but always then forever it's the tears of the mother and the father but especially the mother you know how do we say woman in Hebrew the womb of a mother is their Rekha and you know how you say mercy in Hebrew grass embankment the same word in Hebrew for mercy is the word for womb isn't that odd what are the two have in common mercy and warm the answers obvious the mother that carries the child has that capacity that extra capacity for compassion and love and mercy so her tears her tears the tears of mama Rocco changed everything you know I wanna I want to speak just for a moment about this I go on an Israel trip each [Music] few times a year I think students with me and one of the places that we go to is Kevin Rafael the grave of Rafael before we walk in I tell them the story and this is what I tell them I tell them that Yaakov loved Raquel and the active said I want to marry your daughter Raquel she said to Raquel's father loving and loving says no problem worked for seven years and I'll give you my daughter work for me for seven years you'll earn my daughter and Yaakov worked for seven years for a hell and he loved her so much he was so excited you had this line in the Torah the Torah by the way is very romantic and the holiest way because romance is holy if it's done properly the you Mima Hadean bhava salsa and it was like individual days for his love for her he loved her hell so much seven years felt like a few days that's how much he loved her well after working for seven years he comes to love on and he says okay I worked for seven years to need and huffily sh t give me my life and he says of course I'll give you your wife but we have to get married in front of the town in a big ceremony in a big wedding and yeah kisses okay I agree a wedding is nice but he knew his future father-in-law who was also his uncle by the way he knew that his uncle had a nickname the nickname was Haram e he was a trickster he was a swindler could you imagine if you swindle somebody so many times the - - your nickname your the cheat and you know what the AK have said themself you know what Lovins gonna do to me I know what he's gonna do when I come to the football when I come to marry my wife she's gonna have a veil covering her there was that custom all the way in those days the veil will be covering her and with that veil that's gonna be covering her maybe it won't actually be Raquel but maybe it's gonna be thank you so much maybe it's gonna be Raquel sister Leia now Leia Rahel had a sister named Leia now Yaakov was not that attracted to Leia he didn't view Leia as his future wife Broughton Island McCallum shocked all neighbors are he didn't view Alea as his future wife but he did view Rahel so he had a feeling that lovin at the time of the wedding would switch Rahel with his sister Leia Raquel that's not a real hell is gonna be Leia and but he won't know that because she's going to be covered well by the veil so he says through hell I'm gonna make a special sign with you and with that sign I will know that you're really rut hell I think you're not laying there your father didn't swindle me and switch me for your sister and I won't know and all other marrying your sister because the veil is covering her face and my sign will be I'm gonna ask you who you are and you know I well you know what I want you to say I want you to say I am Leia because if it's your sister Leia then if I ask her what is she gonna say she's gonna say I am Rahel so I'm gonna ask you Raquelle underneath the hood in a whisper in your ear who I say you're a liar okay the night of the wedding came hundreds of people there the football the band the flowers beautiful gorgeous and Yakov is there and there is a woman covered by a veil and he turns to that woman and he whispers to her in the middle of the ceremony who are you now this was the moment of truth because she would have said I am Raquel her father did switch her for a hell it was really Leia but what happened was that day Raquel was called in by her father loved and loved and says listen I'm gonna switch you you're not gonna stay you can't marry aqua your sisters older she should come first listen I want you to go into hiding for the ceremony your sister is going to be the one under the hood so now the helper oh no to sign the secret code Jackie was gonna say who are you and she's gonna say I am Raquel she's gonna be so embarrassed she's gonna be so ashamed Jacquizz gonna turn around he's gonna storm away and that's gonna be it he's gonna be so she's gonna be so ashamed sort of he'll made up her mind you know what she said I am going to make sure that my sister knows the secret code and so underneath the Kaba yeah consent who are you and she said the truth she said I am Leia which she really was the next day he sees who we married he said love and you tricked me you tricked me I worked for Han you gave me life I refer him game you Leia so love it's okay work another seven years I'll give you both he ended up working another seven years and he married Raquel as well Leia had many children Raquel couldn't have children finally she had one child whose name was Leo safe then she became the expecting again by the second child she felt her life slipping away she felt herself dying and she knew she was gonna die in the middle of childbirth and she called her child Ben Oni the son of my suffering and she passed away and Yakov changed her name to Benjamin Benjamin and then it was time to bury her and normally all the patriarchs and matriarchs that I wrote them all they were buried in the double caves and have Rome but Yaakov took Raquel and buried her at the side of the road and yes I said what are you doing it's not honorable my mother should be buried just like okay we finished with her barrier at the side of the road and the oculus said I know what I'm doing she's going to stay at the side of the road we're gonna bury her here you'll see it's gonna be very important one day many years from now and Raquel the beloved wife passed away a young age and she was buried at the side of the road in a town called Bethlehem and years passed hundreds and hundreds of years the Jewish people went into Egypt they went out of Egypt they were given the Torah they went into Israel King Solomon saw my mouth built the first temple it stood for four hundred and ten years and then the wicked Nabucco nets are destroyed the temple an exile of the Jewish people and he knew the Jewish people they have one power I got one power so powerful that if they use this power he's going to be destroyed know that power is the power of prayer and so the VUCA answer said as the Jewish people are living yerushalayim anyone who prays anyone who Dobbins will be killed on the spot and they were they were killed as they were leaving I've been relieving yerushalayim there were limbs of the side of the road hands and feet chopped off by the Babylonians and finally when the left yerushalayim and the VUCA nets are felt okay now I'm safe the Jewish people took a moment i they composed themselves and they were in Chains they weren't shackles and they looked up and you know where they were you know where they were they were in front of kuvira hell they were in front of mama Rocco's grave I they turned to mama Rocco and they began to cry and pray for the first time they prayed to mama rifle there's a mama Ronald Ivan Flores in shâm I am in heaven where the temple was being destroyed I've robbed turnstiles Shannon says what did you do with my children and eyeshadow said look they betrayed me I had to I had to exile them I had to destroy the temple yet Scott came sorrow came everyone came Rivka they betrayed me they worship idols they killed each other they they they they they ashamed that they stomach - ok says I've Rama that's what they did then I am nothing more to say Attila was mom Oracle's turn and mamarracho that young mother who died in childbirth she goes up in front of our shaman and she says - I'm a sham let my children come back what did you do - what did you do and I've wronged you Scott Yakov Hashem said they won't came they all said that and I tell you what I told them your children betrayed me so I exiled them but mama rouxelle she wasn't done she turned on chemin she said to Hashem Hashem I made something about betrayal I choose betrayed my sister went instead of me I was supposed to be the one and instead she replaced me and I could have not told her the signs but she would have been embarrassed and ashamed at the hope so I gave her the signs of the secrets I was betrayed but I was able to let go of my honor Hashem why can't you let go of your honor the same way and a Shem says to mama Rocco mama raha yes a colorful attack there is a reward you have won you have been victorious in your argument I agree with you you're the first one that has spoken to me in a way like this that I should give up of my honor and just like you I will be mochel on my honor for shovel von nebula drew lake and the children will return mom Oracle it's all because of you a mother's tears change history you know a few years ago I was in Los Angeles and I heard literally the the best speaker I've ever heard I was so moved I came back to my wife I said I just heard an angel it was a man by the name of dr. David Applebaum dr. David Applebaum he spoke in Los Angeles to the rabbis and I was invited to listen I was so inspired dr. Applebaum had started an organization called Teheran like an emergency room a pop-up emergency room in Israel if God forbid there's an attack they you shouldn't have to wait for four hours an emergency room Tarin and takes care of Jews and the Arabs and Christians what an amazing organization and dr. Applebaum was so inspiring I couldn't believe it I told my wife I was just moved moved to tears I was so inspired by this man and a few weeks later his daughter was getting married his daughter's name is nava nava Applebaum and dr. Applebaum was so busy with Tarin II didn't have time to really just speak with her about the wedding's of the night before the wedding he calls Nava over and says Nava you and I let's go out to a cafe let's have some coffee let's talk about life let's talk about love let's talk about marriage and children and a Jewish home and they went take care fade together dr. Applebaum and Nava I think spoke and they laughed and they cried I spoke about the future when all of the sudden an explosion ripped through the cafe flipped over their chair shattered every window in the cafe with the glass and the metal shards piercing both dr. Applebaum and Nava killing them both on the spot the next day the groom instead of walking his wife down the Hopa lowered her into the earth the holy holy Nava Appelbaum herself an amazing person and the skies were crying that day to lose to tsadikim the day of the wedding the Jewish people what did we do we took the dress the wedding dress she was supposed to wear that day walking towards her beloved cousin we took that dress and we brought it together a hell and we draped it over the grave of mama Rocco how he said mama why weren't you there protecting helping petitioning calling out to wash em where were you mama oh ho a mother's tears are so powerful and for years Nava Apple bama's wedding dress was draped over the grave of Raquel Aminu and today more than ever we need the tears of mama Rocco anti-semitism growing threats everywhere people openly speaking about killing Jews last week three separate incidences in Brooklyn alone shoes being attacked its peers it's its fellows we want our children to grow up strong we have to remember Hashem is a big part of the equation he's one of the ships him he's one of the partners you each Abraha we should be great children davon for you we should be great parents we should have great children we should also be great children if we have parents who are still alive to get knock us from us and we should know that when they come home from school and they looked wiped to give them a break - Davin for them to lift them up to control our anger and our displeasure to understand not to compare them to each other and not to make them jealous of each other to understand that each child has their own konasana fish has their own capabilities and to accept who they are for what they are and to rely on the mothers who had that extra intuition and know what it takes to raise these beautiful Jewish children that are our future and all this should be Leland is Mozilla and I also mentioned that my own grandmother passed away two weeks ago it's my last grandmothers I happen to be in Israel which was fortunate so nahama China Boz Hana as I mentioned her name as well and to all the grandmothers and all the Baba's and all the grandparents and great-grandparents should look down and have knocked us from us and we should have knocked her smart children our grandchildren I mean [Music]