Rabbi Benzion Shafier | A Great Marriage isn't as Tough as it Seems | CHAZAQ

[Music] sh want to thank everyone for joining us tonight it's very special marriage work presented by theak organization am uja and the um if anyone didn't get a book um yet we're going to have it after the lecture in the front um um and um the 10 really dumbb mistakes the very small couples make that's schaer is going to be presenting here tonight I thinkk of course the sh and all the amazing raban of the for partnering in this event place of Torah and T commity let's give Round of Applause for Beth Grio want to thank um Amud and danar there's a table in the back of of course Lear about more of amazing life saing life changing programs of mudin umt D if you want to raise your hand in the back over there everyone please um thank for coming and of course learn more about mood and thank um of course um the uja and the Sho scha organization and of course theak organization which house put amazing programs on like tonight um sh and event for men women young and know everybody and um and um with a with a big focus on public school Outreach with after school programs Sunday school programs 15 different locations Inspire hundreds of public school students to give them a Jewish UC tion and a special division of public school Yeshiva which has transferred over, 1400 children from public school Yeshiva the last five in the last 5 six years so of course if anyone has anyone here knows of a parent of a parent a relative who has children at public school please let them know about kazak program give them a Jewish Education and I think of course we're here we're here for a marriage Workshop but of course our our hearts our minds our souls are are with our fellow brothers and sisters in arel the land of Israel and um I think one quick mindset to have for um for all of us is um a rabbi he went up recently um to a sh to his sh members and he said he asked him three questions he said he said he said does anybody know does anybody know anybody who was who was murdered in the October 7th attack and no one raised their hands second question he asked was does anybody have any relatives who who who was taken hostage and no one rais their hands and the third question that he asked was does anybody have any relatives who are in the Israeli Army and and right now they're going they're going in and and only a few people raised their hands and he said you know what the issue is you know what the problem is is that every single person in this room should have raised their hands for every single one of these questions if we realized that these are not it's not just a news headline these are our brothers our sisters our relatives then they would then we would dve differently we would say to Hill differently we do mitvah differently so that's definitely a mindset that we should all have and um one quick message I forgot to mention was Amud she could tell you more about it that they're having a special um major campaign for their life-saving U program it's called unite to heal it's on December 8 17 18th unit to heal.com of course everyone should should um be involved and um without any further Ado everyone please stand stand stand okay Robbie thank you we get S we get S please please please okay so far don't know how to treat people with cover I come from an afan sh come on know you know okay um Can Rob can you raise the volume a little otherwise I have to eat the mic okay okay first of all thank you and the good and and uh yeah and you can hear me hopefully right okay what I'm going to present this evening is some of the 10 really dumb mistakes that very smart couples make I'll let you know ahead of time it's not going to save you from reading the book you still got to read the book um the copies will be be available if you don't have one for you but I'm going to highlight at least five of the 10 really dumb mistakes and hopefully we'll get a much better understanding of louder of louder louder oh look what that says a great marriage isn't as tough as it seems Rob we should lower the lights a little bit can we lower the lights a little now he's getting fussy the rabbi is now getting fussy on it's all presentation lights lower I'm going to tell you but it'll be easy to see the screens these slides are great I love these slides just a little bit a little bit more a little bit lower uh a little bit lower still oh that's great I love it I'm loving it great I could see it beautiful okay closer bring the microphone Clos Clos please yes speak louder right okay okay this is the name of the presentation a great marriage isn't as tough as it seems so let's begin in 1901 the divorce rate in United States of America was 6% the divorce rate is currently about 50% the question is what changed now don't get me wrong in the from Community it's nowhere near 50% but United States of America and Western Civilization it is now 50% what change from 6% to 50% that's the question so I believe there are four reasons why marriages stopped succeeding and we'll go through them very quickly number one the first reason is that we live in a world that's now everything is disposable disposable cups disposable plates disposable marriages you get married to try it it doesn't work hey on to the next one my wife and I were in a restaurant it was in Manhattan which meant all the tables were too close we overheard Two Fellas sitting next to us and one guy says you know I got married much much too late I should have got married should have got married much younger that way I could have got my first marriage over really quick when I was Young And my second marriage I could have start when I was younger the problem is the other fell didn't laugh so this is I believe the first problem that marriage is a disposable commodity and this we're not going to solve but it's important to understand this perspective there's a second reason why marriages have stopped succeeded and that second reason is because society as a whole is tuned into Wim Wim stands for what's in it for me what are you doing for me what do I gain what's in it for for me but it's been that way since you're little kid since the time you're a little child the first question your parents asked what's the best school for you what's the best camp for you what's the best situation for you and that's the way it's been until now and suddenly you get married and now it's no longer me it's we and learning to adjust to that someone else's needs are as valid as mine someone else's perspective as valid as mine is not so simple there's a third reason why marriages have stopped succeeded third reason is because people today are so generally UNH wholesome and emotionally fragile and this is a major problem because you see marriage is an institution but it's not a hospital marriage will not cure depression OCD anxiety low self-esteem poor self-image there's only one thing that marriage will solve and that is called being single but nothing other than that will marit solve now these three problems we're not going to solve we're not going to deal with them they're social issues and we're not going to solve them now but there's a fourth reason why marriages have stopped succeeded and I think that one we can deal with that's the fourth reason I have now counseled hundreds and hundreds of couples and on a regular basis on a regular basis I'll say to my wife when we're finished I'll say to her you know something they are a match made in heaven living in gim they're perfectly matched like two pe's in a pod the only problem is they don't know what it means to be married and they're fighting and screaming and yelling but they're perfectly aligned they should be a perfect match a match made in heaven living in geham and my friends I believe that 80% of the G written in our community should not be they should not be and it's not like AEM stopped knowing how to make matches it's that people stop understanding what a marriage means and this fourth area a lack of understanding what a marriage needs we're going to deal with tonight and hopefully that we can solve okay so we're going to deal with some of the 10 really dumb mistakes that very smart couples made so let's begin par opens up with Abra ainu raising his eyes looking on the horizon he sees three wfirs to him they're just Arabs Crossing he doesn't know that he welcomes them in he stands over them like a waiter he prepares a meal he prepares food he prepares beverage he stands over them and waits for them to eat while they're eating one of the M say where is s your wife says she is in the tent now Rashi makes an important observation these were Mal didn't know who they were but they were the highest level they knew exactly where was why did they ask that question so that he would answer he would say he she's in the tent by saying that she would he would recognize heras to a greater extent they asked the question so he could answer to make her more beloved in his eyes when he would say she's in the tent she's a modest woman she would find more favor in his eyes by doing that okay now my friends let's think about that for a minute the man welcomes you in prepares food prepares bever stands over like a waiter and you ask about his wife the question is rude it's not very polite why are they asking that and if you'd like to understand why it's particularly a question the morale says in the course of history there never was a bond of connection between husband and wife as it was between abam and S you see what's the greatest obstacle to a successful marriage if I ask you what the single biggest obstacle to successful marriage anybody I'm sorry communication communication okay communication we going to get to I believe the first problem with any marriage is if I'm self-centered if the world begins and ends in my dalas if I'm the center of the universe I am a difficult person to be married to here we're dealing with a the Paradigm of giving loving kindness s you may his equal to perfect sikim again says morale in the course of history there never was a connection never a bond between husband and wife as it was between and S why did the have to ask a question that's rude being about to make her more beloved in his eyes they had the near perfect marriage it sounds rather unusual but if this doesn't trouble you let's follow the story line a little bit s was in the tent and she overhears a conversation one of them say next year this time you'll have a child Sora laughs inside saying how could this be V my husband is to old right s laugh and saying it can't be my husband's too old Hashem comes back to and says s why did SAR laugh saying that she is too old now if you notice what what SAR said Adon my husband is too old yeah when Hashem said it back Hashem said why did SAR laugh saying that she's too old Rashi points out sh changed what happened why because is allowed to change for sh in plain language hasem lied if it could be hasem changed the truth why because you're allowed to lie for Shas I heard my re ask the following question when do you say alive Shas it's GNA be a fight there going be a squibble it's gonna be some big big deal right let's say Abu heard Sarah say my husband is too old to have a child do you think he would have gone to Pieces sah called me an old man was a giant of a man he was at this point one of the wealthiest alive he was one of the most powerful men alive he was also every year of his life was another tremendous accomplishment by the way he also is 100 now he has another 75 years to live so let's say s had said he's too old you think he would have gone to Pieces so question number one is why did the MIM asks a question that seems to be rude and question number two is why did right question number one is why the Angels make him more beloved question two is why did hasm ask question seems to be rude okay we got those questions I don't got the slide but you got the question okay good here we go let us begin ladies this one's for you um what is the leading cause of divorce today the leading cause of divorce anyone miscommunication miscommunication okay leading cause of divorce lack of respect lack of perspective gentlemen leading cause of divorce today ego ego ego is a big one ego's a big one I believe that this is not the biggest cause of divorce if you'd ask me what is the biggest cause of divorce and by the way usually people say things like children money in-laws religion I believe all of them are not true there's one single cause of divorce today the largest by far and that's something called fighting fighting yeah but Rabbi it's fighting about the the children the money the in-laws Etc no it's never the issue it's how the couple deals with the issue it's never the children never the money never the it's always how the couple deals with it if there is a climate of love in the relationship if you guys are best friends you figure out a way my way your way we figure out a way way but the minute The Climb of that relationship starts to whack starts to fall apart then suddenly everything falls apart and this is my friends one of the most important things to recognize love and friendship and particularly love is the key to successful marriage and I'll share with you how I know this to be true 70% of successful marriages have at least one irreconcilable difference what's an irreconcilable difference a difference that can't be reconciled so for instance he has a business in Manhattan she has severe allergies she needs to live in San Diego Chicago doesn't cut her for either one that's irreconcilable right he wants to bring the kids up in aish way she wants to send them to regular Yeshiva you can't send the kids to Yeshiva with long curly payis on one side right that's an irreconcilable difference 70% of successful marriages have at least one if not more irreconcilable difference yet how is it possible that they're still successful because it's never the issue it's the climate of the relationship if there's love if there's friendship in the relationship my way your way we find a way but the minute that love starts to disappear then suddenly everything is a fight and there's always what to fight about John Gman is a marriage researcher he has studies he can show with 94% accuracy whether a couple will be divorced in 5 years or not and I want to explain to you how he does it he explains he brings a couple into his room and he videotapes everything he puts special monitors on their wrists to monitor their heart rate their respiration he watches everything when he asks him to talk about three topics one topic is a neutral topic something just you know no one cares about another topic is something mutually pleasing they both enjoy talking about and the third topic is what he calls a Hot Topic something that they typically argue about he videotapes it studies it and with 94% accuracy can tell whether they're going to be divorced and explains what he looks for he looks for one thing only contempt contempt is that it's not hatred it's not anger it's that rolling the eyes he says if he sees sees one sign of contempt without five positive signs corresponding to it that couple is in deep trouble that couple will end up being divorced within a short amount of time you see my friends Hollywood got it 100% right but Hollywood got it backwards in the world of Hollywood Boy Meets Girl that she looked into his eyes and they fell madly passionately in love right they fall in love you fall out of love you fall in love you get married you fall out of love you get unmarried it's a mystery of life we don't understand something my friends I'd like to share with you Hollywood got it 100% backwards you see they got it right though love is the glue of a marriage it's not the reason I pick this person it's not the criteria for selection but once you're married if you don't work on the bond if you don't work on the connection if you don't keep a vibrant powerful Bond of love in your marriage you're going to be very distant very apart and you're going to have a lot of trouble but this is the point love doesn't happen love is built and we'd like to know the answer to this Rashi the MIM felt you gave us food you gave us something we want to give you back something you have the near-perfect marriage 99.9% Perfection want to make S more beloved's eyes why because love is the essence of a marriage and as great as a marriage was the MIM wanted to give more love increase that love they asked that question to make her more beloved in her eyes and I heard my re explain why is it okay the answer to Rashi is that theim a want to increase the bond number two I heard my explain that if s remain if AB heard s say he's too old he would have gone to Pieces but it made a tiny scratch a tiny little scratch s said I'm too old somehow it made a tiny scratch and gentle my friends this is the message number one love is a glue of marriage number two shom bias is Holy so holy that AEM himself is willing to lie to keep Shalom even though would AR would not have gone to Pieces would have made a big fight but would made it almost imperceptible scratch that's how important shom bias is number one love is the glue to marriage number two sh bias is Holy and Hashem will lie if it could be to keep sh bias okay now here we go I get the phone call I get these phone calls only too often and it sounds something like this Rabbi thank you for taking the call yeah what could I do well Rabbi it's my husband okay what's the problem well the problem is he's a good guy he learns he doin he's with the kids he has a good job he's responsible I said it sounds pretty good well what's the problem the problem is I don't love them I don't love them I say okay how how many years you married 10 years how many kids five kids so what do you do what do you say to a woman who's married for 10 years has five kids and she says she doesn't love her husband so I'll share with you what I usually say I asked her the following question I said Madam tell me something last month how many times did you and your husband go out but go out doesn't mean to a bar mitz or to a wedding or to your in-laws how many times last month did you and your husband go out to connect to bond to be a couple together the answer is we didn't okay the month before that how many times did you go out we didn't the month before that how many times did you go out we didn't month before that by about 7 or 8 I stopped I say Madam don't you understand you're like two ships in the night I don't care how aligned you are I don't care how much you love your kids I don't care how much you want a happy family if you're not going to work on the marriage if you're not going to spend time together you're going to be distant and life is going to be very difficult and this my friends is the first really dumb mistake that very smart couples make not working on the marriage forgetting that love is a glue of the marriage but love means taking the time spending time together being together and it means everything that a couple in love should be doing the many vacations love notes gifts date nights texts during the day everything a couple in love should be doing um now I become unpopular you ready gentlemen good for you I better move to the side it is a husband's role to romance man his wife gentlemen you are responsible to plan the date you are responsible to buy the gifts the cards [Applause] and why are they clapping you guys are doing such a great job of it already why are they clapping I don't get it I understand my wife's not here you notice but gentlemen do you hear what I'm saying it is your responsibility I love it when guys say I told her that anytime she wants to go out just plan a date and I'll be there you blew it what your wife wants to know more than anything is that you cherish her you love her that she's number one if a woman knows that she's cherished she'll be happy she'll be fulfilled if she doesn't it's going to be very very rough I want to share with you a letter this is an igis that the styler wrote and I want to read it to you the ston wrot to aaras he says the main hope of a woman in her world is to have a husband who loves her when she sees that this isn't so it crushes a spirit and can be close to P you hear those words what your wife wants to know that you love that you cherish her well she should know it because I'm working so hard for the business that's very nice but if you're not spending time with her if you're not sending text and flowers taking your out if you're not doing all the things a gentleman should be doing well guess what she's going to become very unhappy and here let me make it simpler gentleman would you like to be happy yes if you don't want to be happy go like this go no I don't want to be happy go anybody want to be happy yeah yeah yeah a happy wife is a happy life I'm telling you guys this one is so easy I'm going to beat the women up soon enough don't they're not getting off the but I'm telling guys this is so easy and so simple all you got to do is shower her with love shower her with attention and she changes I can't okay ladies don't listen to this part I used to run a group I called it how to tame your dragon I had so many guys who complain she's a witch she fli on Brom I said okay great I did I did a whole session I did about 14 sessions with these guys I called it how to tame your dragon and I explained to him the great you SW If You Treat Her Like a Lady you take her out you spend time with her you send her love notes and text you show her that you cherish her she changes from the fire breathing dragon into a nice little p oh but wait ladies don't laugh so fast because [Music] um all right wait a minute we ladies going think they're get off the hook tonight they're not they're not but okay anyway this is it thank you for starting with the men okay I supposed to be ladies first isn't it well all right but okay sorry does this count as a night out no no no a night out let me explain to you if you're both looking this way that's not you got to be looking this way if you're looking at each other it's a night out if you're looking at the screen if you're looking at a rabbi talking that's not a night out it's talking to each other okay so this is it you got to make your wife happy and it means a man has to show his wife in words deeds and action that he cherishes me do you understand how big this is guys I I this one's a real it's it's like it's incredible okay um okay by the way there's one little problem here the single biggest competitor to your marriage is going to be something you're not ready for this one ladies the single biggest competitor to your marriage is going to be your children now don't going to be wrong children are big br the biggest BR you can imagine but children demand a lot of attention a lot of resources a lot of and they're always there and always and if you don't learn to set boundaries if you don't let to set learn to set a time Tuesday night is Mommy and aba's night out but but how's my rookie going to do homework how's David going to know all his math I guarantee if rookie doesn't know every ran if D doesn't know all his math they'll be fine solid people but you see if the marriage starts to fray then their basic everything they rely on starts to come apart you see when you when you when children are little you guys are 10t tall you're the center of the universe and if the marriage starts to fray and you guys start to squibble start to fight before you know it the kids have a sense of nothing is guaranteed nothing is secure the single best invest investment you can make in your children's being wholesome happy people is your shom bias the single best investment in your children's success is a shom bias in your house because that will guarantee that they're wholesome happy people if you say you love your kids don't say I have no time to go out if you say you love your kids then make time to go out makes time for everything that a couple in love should be doing and this is the first of the 10 really dumb mistakes that very smart couples make but let's move on to mistake number two mistake number two let me share with you two scenes I'm going to share with you two scenes and I'm going to ask you what the difference between them are here's a young man walking on this side right next to him is a young woman as the young man walks he trips and she says I are you okay are you all right that's scene one scene two same couple he's walking down the street she's standing next to him he trips cluts what's wrong with you can't even walk down the street what's the difference between scene one and scene two marage seen one their and kala scene two they married already three years yep and this is mistake number mistake number two mistake number two is forgetting that respect comes first you see it's love and respect you see you could love your spouse you could really be dedicated to your spouse but if you're not treating them with respect it's going to be very difficult for them to love you and it's love and respect and respect means working on it I'll show you what I mean let's go back to another John Gman study John Gman when he brings those couples into his lab he also does another little experiment when they're both sitting facing each other when they finish speaking he asks the wife to leave and brings in a woman that the husband never met before and asks them to have a conversation then he brings the um he brings the wife back in as husband to leave and then brings a strange man in and basically he's looking to see how we talk to our spouse versus the way we talk to strangers and here's what he finds couple after couple whether newly married or married many many years invariably we are more polite to strangers than we are to our own spouse we argue less with strangers than we do with our own spouse and even worse if we ever do argue with a stranger we'll be far more quick to accept their position than we would our own spouses and my friends what that means is you have to really work on the respect I've heard couples sometimes that make my hair say things that's the dumbest thing I've heard that's stupidy that's ridiculous do you guys like each other if you're not you see you can't be formal in your marriage you got to be comfortable you have but you also have to remember that the person you're speaking speaking to is the most important person in your life by the way as an aside when my wife calls my name in I run we're now B we're married 36 years now coming up to 37 I love my wife we're happily married she's not here to argue with that fact um yeah you notice no she even says she sometimes shows up and she'll actually admit okay but anyway since since since our first kid when my wife calls my name I run maybe he thinks she's a tyrant Maybe she's a a witch why do I run because I want my children to see that when mommy calls ABA even ABA comes running CU I want my kids to respect their mother do you hear what I'm saying I want my kids to see that Mommy is a person to be respected and the way you treat your spouse whether it's a wife to a husband or husband to wife will tell your children in bigger letters than anything else you can imagine who that person is are they worthy of respect you see my friends you create the culture of your family you create the attitudes and if you're going to treat your spouse with disrespect your kids are going to learn is the worst lesson imaginable and that is a spouse is not worthy to respect and this is mistake number two so mistake number one is not working on the love and the marriage love is Center Key mistake number two is not working on the respect but let's move on to mistake number three to the understand mistake number three let me show with the background I believe there are three pillars to a successful marriage the first pillar is commitment commitment comes from the understanding that Hashem doesn't make mistakes Hashem found the perfect one for you it may not fit perfectly now it may take some growth on your part it makes take some growing up and some changing but Hashem knows very well what he's doing and the first pillar of a successful marriage is commitment that comes through knowing that hasem found the perfect match for you the second pillar of a successful marriage is love that's the everything that a couple in love should be doing and everything that vibrant Bond of love does however here's the problem there are many couples who are very committed to the marriage they also love each other but they can't seem to learn to live together and this is the third pillar of a successful marriage learning to live together and this is the biggest one because my friends this is the real hard one it's very easy to be committed to the marriage it's even easy to be in love if you do the things you need to but learning to live together is not so simple and I'll share with you why Elizabeth Newton earned a PhD from St Stanford University for a very clever experiment she created two groups one she called the tappers and she other called the listeners the tappers job it was to tap out a song and listener was supposed to guess the song and she made a list of 50 very well-known songs Happy Birthday stth bangle Banner Etc and she asked the tappers to tap out the song and she asked the listeners to Guess the Song now here's the interesting part you can watch the videotapes the tap will be tapping it The Listener just doesn't get it here's the interesting part only 2 5% of the time did The Listener ever guess it correctly and you probably can understand why imagine I tap out a song I don't know if that's Happy Birthday start B ban I don't I can't tell what it is right so it's pretty logical why only 2.5% of the time will little listeners guess it correctly but here's what she did she asked the tappers to guess what are the odds that the listener is going to guess almost everyone said at least 50/50 and you could see the Tapper as they're tapping the song looking at gas how can you not get it so obvious it's it's happy birthday how can you not get it but you know what she earned the PHD for the reason behind it you see when I tap out the song I can't help but play it in my own mind and when I play it in my own mind it's so obvious it's so clear how can you not get it how could you be so daed and my friends this is the third of the 10 really dumb mistakes that very small couples make assuming that my experience defines reality if I think something obviously you think that if I feel a certain way obviously you feel a certain way and more than anything if I know something it's obvious and proper and clear that you know it as well and if you're wondering what I mean let me share with you two examples as I say in real life the first one is a little bit interesting it's not such a big deal but it's an interesting one to me um today is much shabas every shabas from I don't know how many for decades now I get up very early I learn the house is quiet it's Maha and later on in the morning I'll bring my wife a coffee in bed she likes to have a coffee and to this day as I'm preparing my wife's coffee I reach for the creamer and I stop see everyone knows that that coffee tastes better with full fat milk at least to creamer right and as I'm reaching the cream I have to stop why because my wife likes her coffee with skin milk oh but I want to give you a good what tastes really good I want to give you 4% fat at least come on what do you understand what I'm saying I know what tastes good and I want to give my wife the best cup of coffee the only problem is she doesn't like her coffee that way and understanding that my experience is the way I experience things but that doesn't mean my spouse experiences life the same way is a huge huge part of any successful relationship but especially in marriage but this is a very small example I want to share with you a much bigger example here we go fellow's married 6 months he's in Colo he's learning col he comes home at 6:30 at night as about to put the keys in the apartment door he says to himself ah bar I married such an intelligent woman not one of these flighty Dames not one of these emotional wrecks he opens the door for his apartment walks in and sees his wife up on the chair what is it what is it what what what what over there what a cockroach what a cockroach huh huh do something please uh you can come down now okay listen he doesn't say anything flighty name emotional R he doesn't say anything about okay two weeks later he's in Cola he's a mosit he doesn't even take a phone into the basement manage with him a friend of his comes over the phone and says doid your wife's on the phone pick the phone what is it what is it here D please come home why what's the matter what's the matter there there are two of them please come home please I don't believe it she wants me to leave the basement stop learning to kill two stupid bugs steam coming out of his ear gets in his car drives home puts his key in apartment door opens the door there she where are they turns around walks out the door I hope you're satisfied ladies and gentlemen who was right who was right neither one of them who was right listen on the one hand she's terrified on the other hand you want me to stop learning stop something Point come home just kill St two stupid bugs who was right who was right is an excellent question to ask in a court of law Maybe at divorce court but who was right is a terrible question to ask in a marriage a far more productive far more helpful question would be what were they each experiencing so let me share with you I don't know why this is but girls tend to be afraid of bugs B I have four daughters and two uh two boys now I don't know why but whenever the girls had a bug in the room they call that baby brother they just have to make sure it didn't eat the bug but they were terrified of bugs and the boys are and why that is I can't tell you why but that's certainly way it is in my house but here's the reality she up on that chair was terrified the mistake that he made was he judged her based on his experience his experience is bugs are not scary if you would like to know the coraly story if you want to know what it was really like imagine we change the scene a little bit imagine it's he home alone in the apartment but instead of two cockroaches there were two German Shepherds would he be up on the chair uh-uh he'd be out the fire escape down the block because German Shepherds are very scary that's your experience but your experience doesn't Define reality that's the way you experience things and learning that the way I experience things doesn't mean that's the way my spouse experienced things is a very very huge part of life a huge part of understanding what life is about terror terror that's what she's experiencing right by here's the German Shepherd one see that but this is the punchline my experience doesn't Define reality that's by the way how many times have you rolled ladies how many times you rolled your husband your eyes at your husband why is it acting like such a creep such a cruel cold callous creep why is he acting that way what's the answer not that he's a cold callous creep no he's a guy L gentlemen you ever have a sense that she's a nervous wreck or she's emotional what's the matter with her what's her problem you know her problem is that's the way she's wired and understanding that my spouse is different than I am understanding that my spouse has a different experience understanding that my spouse of different thoughts different feelings and understanding they're valid because that's the way they feel is a huge part of a successful marriage now would you like to deal with this problem in a serious way here we go what are the two most two most important words in your marriage let's open this up to the floor two most important words in your marriage let's start with the gentlemen gentlemen two most important words in your marriage are yes dear I love it I love it yes dear or how high should I jump yeah no no no okay that's good yes dear is a good one okay ladies what are the two most important words in your marriage I love you I love you is not two it's it's important the very important good words what I'm sorry I'm sorry are very good words by the way what are the two hardest words to say no I'm sorry it's not so hard I was I know I was wrong she knows I was wrong I know she knows it but I can't say the words I was wrong I say I'm sorry I feel bad but I was okay but even that's not the most important words in your marriage would you like to know what the two most important words are not please not thank you not okay I here I'll say to you what they are every scientific discovery was preceded by an expression almost every scientific discovery was discovered by an by an expression and the expression is not Eureka the expression was that strange that's strange meaning a guy took Chemical X chemical y mixed at expected Z and got something altogether different he begins looking into it and he discovers a different type of rubber a different type of penicillin was discovered that way um almost every Discovery in science was discovered by the words that's strange and then the person digs in to understand things better and my friends the scientific curiosity is the key here would you like to be happily married this is one of the keys to be happily married the next time your wife does something that's absolutely inexplicable or better yet ladies the next time your husband acts like a cruel cold callous creep I want you to ask yourself the following question you ready for this ladies listen carefully is he a nice guy is he a nice guy answer to yourself I hope the answer is yes most women will say yeah he's a nice guy so here's a question if he's a nice guy why would act so cruel cold and callous and the answer is what is the answer it's not typical it's it's not what it's not typical he's usually okay he's usually good but that's strange that's strange when I say that's strange why would she act that why would he act when you say that's strange you're able to climb into the inner world of your spouse you're able to understand the world from their perspective and you're able to actually deal with things in a mature rational way instead of reaching conclusions like she's a witch he's a creep whatever instead if you climb in you say the words that strange you step back and say but one second I want to be very clear here you say the words to yourself okay you got to say this to yourself that's strange and ask yourself why if he's a nice guy why would act way if she's normally so balanced why is she acting that way when you step back and say that's strange to yourself you find that you might actually understand your spouse and that is you might understand the inner World okay so we got three mistakes number one is what not working on the love and the marriage number two is what respect not working on respect number three is that strange mean my assuming my experience defines reality you know you know what I mean by that the way I experience things is the way they are that's obvious and obviously everybody feels the same way I do okay that's mistake number three let's move on to mistake number four okay here this one is for the ladies ladies what is the most important ingredient in a successful relationship respect respect yeah okay communication communication thank you communication okay gentlemen what is the most important ingredient to a successful relationship so let me share with you something very interesting I've assess to thousands of people and what I found is something I only discovered this after I read the study Ted Houston is a psychologist University of Texas he studied 264 couples in depth and he asked them this question what is the single most important issue for the satisfaction relationship and here's what he found almost all the women said communication almost none of the men said communication oh that's very interesting and in fact what's even more interesting is probably the most common complaint that marriage therapists hear from women is we never talk but the most common complaint that marriage therapists here from men is all we do is talk talk talk talk talk right now somebody's got it backwards either always talking or never talking but what right so what's anybody know right you hear the Kasha okay would you like to know the answer to this question all you got to do is go to a Kish go to a Kish shabas morning and listen to the men speaking and listen to the women speaking and you're going to hear something very different listen to women speak You're going to hear something like this oh oh great talking to you okay let's go over to the men's side men's side sounds like this great talking to you okay why is it that women make all those sounds oo the a you need a lexicon just to interpret what this I don't even know the language why do they do that it shows that you're listening oh because women talk to communicate to bond to connect why do men talk men talk to share ideas Concepts one second one second here we go I I I used to face this it took me 20 years my mother passed away 26 27 years ago now I realized only after 10 years of marriage maybe more that I owed her a huge huge apology why every Thursday night I call home and I would get that question that every yes fears what's new uh we learned the new toas we learned the mar I got stuck on the what's new I don't know what's new I'm learning I'm what what's new it took me 20 years to finally figure out what she was asking asking her son left home went to Yeshiva and she wanted to be part of his world she wanted to be in my life she wanted to know what I was involved in because she wanted to share she wanted to connect and this is the great secret men and women talk for very different reasons here here we go Deborah tannan is a professor of linguistics at Georgetown University she wrote a number of very important books one is you just don't understand and she studies why women talk and why men talk and here's what she writes why do women talk they talk to create the relationship that means they talk to share to bond to connect and therefore what they talk about is what do they talk about all the things that women talk about people occurrences what happened what she said what he said Etc good why do men talk men talk for a very different reason the reason why men talk is because they want to communicate ideas or concepts whatever may be but that's the point what men talk about are very different than what women talk about so gentlemen we're coming back to you again I'm going to beat the women up I promise I'm going to get to them also but back to you gentlemen one more time would you like to be happy yes yes yes say no go no like this no and yes no would you like to be happy yes let me repeat this one thing if you would like to be happy a happy wife is a happy life but therefore you got to know how to talk to your wife you see mistake number four is not understanding that communication means something very different to a woman than it does to a man guys a very happily married on a very regular basis I get a guy who's happily married in fact here's what happens all the time I get a couple and I'll say to him how's the marriage good I ask how's the marriage it's terrible it's horrible wait you guys married to each other like what's the deal cuz it's his marriage and her marriage and if you don't learn to talk to your wife if you don't learn to listen to your wife if you don't learn to communicate in her world in her language it's going to be very difficult for her to love you and you have to recognize that men and women are different I know the World At Large would like us to think they're the same but men and women are vastly incredibly terribly different in every way shape or form and if you don't understand that you need to listen to your wife you need to talk to your wife you're going to be very unhappy married so here we go a couple of tips for talking number one gentlemen what is the first talk tip for talking listen listen do you know here's a study this is amazing the average person listens for how long before they interrupt 17 seconds 17 seconds and then boom 17 seconds do try to present a concept an idea in 17 seconds I'm a rabbi they they cut me down to 18 minutes shab's morning today I went for 26 nobody nobody's throwing me out but try in 17 seconds to get a concept over you can't so what it means is you're not listening so the first tip is to learn to listen listen to understand tip number two this is a big one guys this one I learned the hard way here we go I was high school rebi for about 10 years and I made this very interesting Discovery probably the biggest part of a high school re's job is to teach you guys about life you got to teach them learning you got to teach him about life I I felt that was my biggest responsibility anyway guys regularly would talk to me about problems issues they'd come to me for advice and guys seem to be very happy with the advice I gave them guys would come to me 20 years later my sh for the advice you gave me 20 years ago I still use today so I thought I I was able to you know give decent advice to to the guy okay but an odd thing would happen as soon as I'd come home and my wife asked me for advice she was never happy with my Solutions it was like my IQ dropped 80 points as soon as I cross the threshold right it took me 10 years of marriage to figure it out ladies what's the answer she wasn't looking for my advice she wanted to share she wasn't looking for me to solve a problem she wanted to communicate she wanted to share what she was experiencing gentlemen this is tip number two tip number two is she's not asking for advice don't fix a problem just listen how to listen so your wife how to listen so your wife talks you have to listen listen listen and how to talks to your wife you guys know what I'm talking about no nobody knows what I'm talking about right here's here's a good one here's a good one she goes on and on and on she says you're not even listening and he says over word for word exactly what she said and she says that just proves you're not listening to me you see anyone experienc that no okay no oh good good this morning okay anyway why is that because again it's the connection it's communication now guys I can't tell you to learn the whole lexicon I don't know the language I but but you got to listen you have to also share the says you have to tell your wife where you're going where you're coming you have to share your world with her because that's what matters to her okay that's we've we've beat up the guys a lot this evening we let's move on to the women what it's all right no it really isn't um we're okay with it okay but this's mistake number four forgetting that talk means something different to men than women let's move on to mistake number five here we go and this one is for the ladies watch this one it is my firm belief that every kala as she walks down the has in her mind a Point Home Improvement policy and it's that guy under the who's going to be the recipient of that Home Improvement policy first of all the ties are got to go and they're coming late and the sloppiness and those dumb jokes forget about it now we'll give her credit she behaves herself the first week of the Chev bras and even the week after that but shortly thereafter she begins her home improvement policy You Know M your your desk is such a mess you'd be much more efficient if you would just clean it up and he doesn't get all warm and fuzzy I guess he doesn't understand what I'm saying my I mean like you mess is a desk your whole me life is a mess if you'd be neater you'd be much more efficient and he doesn't just warm up with warm feelings I guess he doesn't understand m i mean like how do you even find yourself in the mess and he doesn't laugh okay so I'll let you in on the great secret While most women have a 10-point home improvement policy it is the most disastrous thing you can do in your marriage and I'll share with you what I mean I get the phone call again here it happens it's uh it's only too common but this is basically how it sounds Rabbi you got to help me what's the problem it's my husband what's the problem the problem is he's 40 years old and he leaves his socks on the floor and I ask him I beg him to leave this to pick and he won't do it I said madam what what do you mean I scream I yell and I yell I I said Madam tell me have you ever said it to him before yeah 10,000 times I tell to pick up his socks and he still leaves the socks on the floor what's wrong with the guy okay so I said Madam I want to tell you a story I want to tell you a story I was speaking in a Shai a seminar and a doctor comes over me and he says Rabbi you got to help me I'm a physician I work in the emergency room and I'm always around around these young thin pretty nurses I try not to look here's the problem my wife put on 40 lbs she had her first kid she put on some weight she didn't lose that weight she had her second kid she put on some more weight she didn't lose that weight she had a third kid she she's now 40 lbs overweight and I offered everything I offered her nutrition I offered her exercise class I offered a private trainer to come to she won't do it ra you got to help me what could I do to change her how could I get her to finally lose the weight I looked at him I said young man you have a choice to make you either Embrace her as she is or you suffer I don't know of a woman who looks in the mirror and says Ah 40 lbs overweight gmak that's just what I always wanted to be so why doesn't she lose what you offer a nutrition she off an exercise class you offered a private train why doesn't she do it I'll let you in why she didn't do it because change is not so simple three kids right now might be just a little bit too much on her plate but for whatever which reason I guarantee she's very motivated to do it but it's not going to happen now you either Embrace her as she is or you suffer I said to this woman with the socks on the floor tell me something is your husband a nice guy yes is he responsible yes does he take care of things around the house yes so why does he leave his socks on the floor I know that's exactly what I'm asking why does he do it I said manam would you like to know why because he's a human being all of us human beings have strengths talents and we all have deficits guess what this is your husband's deficit you're either going to embrace him as he is or you're going to suffer now this socks on the floor became a part of my became a mantra I began saying it over and over and over and over I knew I said it a few too many times and I was speaking in Chicago and um and afterwards a woman raised her hand and says RAB schaer do you remember you were here two years ago I said I do she said do you remember what you spoke about I said I don't she said you spoke spoke about the two the socks on the floor and it changed my marriage I asked what do you mean she said well in my case it wasn't socks on the floor but it was my husband's jacket Sunday night he'd be wearing a suit he'd leave that jacket on the dining room chair Monday night he'd be wearing another suit you wear that leave that jacket in the dining room chair Tuesday night another suit that jacket in the dining room chair by Thursday night his wardrobe was entire wardrobe was in the dining room I said what used to happen I used to scream and used to yell now what happens well you told the socks and FL story so now Sunday night he puts his jacket on on the chair I take it upstairs Monday night puts a jack I take it upstairs I asked how's your sh B now she said it's beautiful I asked the women in that class to stand up and cheer because you understand why he why does he why what because that's his nature he has strengths he has talents he has abilities and guess what that's not his strength and my friends I got to tell you we all try to do we all try to do we all try to change our spouse change our spouse and by the way almost invariably it's my strength and my spouse's weakness that I feel I'm must change in her why because it's so obvious it's so easy for me by the way you ever notice because it's so easy for me why doesn't he just change why doesn't she just change I once had a guy the most interesting guy he said to me I cannot respect my wife she's not into Health Food she's not into exercise she gives the kids junk I cannot respect her I said that's very interesting I happen to know this guy he's the most disciplined human being I ever met in my life he gets up 5:00 in morning jumps into a freezing cold shower just to master himself works out for 45 minutes plans his day then goes to Davin the most disciplined human being I ever met in my life I said you're being unfair what comes very natural to you is very difficult for your spouse don't judge your spouse by your world don't try to change your spouse to be you she's not you and understanding that we're different understanding that my spouse has deficits by the way anybody want to improve their life forget your marriage let's talk about life anybody want to improve their life is another yes yes or no I have an exercise guarantee will improve your life guaranteed you ready for this here we go when you go home this evening make sure no one's around when you do this when you go home this evening I want you to look in the mirror and I want you to point at that person looking back at you and say these words I am a difficult person to live with I am a difficult person to live with I am what do you mean I my husband my SP my no I we all got quirks OS syncrasy that come later come on time we all got stuff but you see you know why I'm so intolerant about my spouse cuz my stuff that's whatever I want that a woman is amazing I want that a woman who going on and on about husband this husband that husband this that and it didn't take me too long to realize she's a pretty difficult person so I said to Madam I hear you have a lot of complaints about your husband I understand but could it be there some things that that you do that might annoy your husband a little bit she thinks minut she says yeah but me I got to live with him I could change oh thank you very much thank you very much so my friends this is the bigest S you ain't going to change your spouse no matter how much you try no matter how much you're working no matter how you try you're not going to change it now why is this one for the ladies because most guys when I tell them again and again and again about 20,000 times or so they finally get it and they stop trying to change those spouse I've not yet succeeded with one woman not once not once how do I know it's such anemic problem in women watch this one um here we go Embrace her she is a sufferer but here we go I'll explain to you how I know this watch this um um I was once giving a five-part sh bias Series in Brooklyn and because it was a very large audience instead of asking questions people write their questions on cards after and they'd hand the cards up I'd read the question and answer them okay so I did my whole routine about socks on the floor don't change your spout okay the very first card that I get from a woman reads like this what if I try to change him by being nice no no don't do it it's not going to work it's going to make him angry don't do it okay the next next card I get is okay what if I try to change him with a sense of humor I say no no don't do it it's going to wreck the marriage it's going to ruin the relationship don't do it it's not going to work don't do it the third question this is not joke you watch the video tip the third question I get is what if I try to do it with positive reinforcement no no it's not going to work it's going to get him angry it's going to get him upset it's going to wreck the relationship it's not going to work the fourth and this is the best one what if I try you ready for this consequences oh that's going to go real well you're not getting lunch tomorrow unless you pick your socks up oh I think that would be real good for your marriage okay so let me make it clear don't change your spouse it doesn't work it doesn't work it doesn't work why doesn't it work the reason it doesn't work is because it's your spous that's their nature that's it listen I'm not talking we all have to work on things we all have to be careful about our spouse's feelings and needs I'm talking about a nature a temperament something that's natural to them we all try to change it it doesn't work and that is one of the most difficult parts of a successful marriage not changing husband okay quick recap quick recap love is is a glue of marriage love doesn't happen love is built the first really dumb mistake is what love not working on Love and Marriage second really dumb mistake is oh wait wait I forgot one very important slide gentlemen um husband's role is to romance his wife that's a biggie okay that's mistake number one mistake number two is what now we're going to respect in the marriage forgetting that respect is respect comes first there are how many pillows to a successful marriage three three what are they commit love and learning to live together and what's the most difficult problem with learning to live together it's mistake number three that's assuming my experience defines reality the way I think is the way my spouse thinks the way I value things the way my spouse values things if I like my coffee with creamer obviously my spouse likes it that way if I'm not afraid of bugs She's Not Afraid of bugs Etc judging my spouse by my experience and mistake the before is what oh this is a good one forgetting that talk means something different to a woman than it does to a man and that is mistake number four right beginning to talk me something different to a woman mistake number five is what trying to change your spouse okay would you like to have a happy marriage it is simple as pie ready gentlemen if you like to have a happy marriage it's very simple treat her like a queen she'll treat you like a king treat her like a servant she'll treat you like a slave ladies would you like to have a successful marriage here's the rule treat him like a king he'll treat you like a queen treat him like a slave well I'm not going to tell you what's going to happen then okay so don't do it but my friends this is the point when you understand the relationship when you understand that you're different than your spouse when you understand that your spouse has needs and they're valid and they're real you begin to work on it more than anything love is a glue of marriage husband job is a romance his wife and let me close with one last story my re the for many years was Ill the Ritson was younger than him and everyone knew what was going to happen the would pass away and the Ritson would be left in Al but that wasn't quite what happened the reiton took ill and with a short time she passed away and Thea got up to say a hesp eulogy for his wife and we were all there as Yesa Riva got up and said everything we did we did together we built the Yeshiva together we built a tum together everything we did we did together I didn't have to worry about anything she worried about me more than I worried about me she worried about my medicine more than I everything we did we did together he must have said that expression 10 maybe 14 times and then he said these words I said a hesped I said a eulogy for my father I said a hesped for my mother I cannot say a hesped for my wife saying a hpit for my wife is like saying a hpit for myself I can't do it and he sat down and with those words he defined a Torah marriage one unit bonded it takes a lot of work to get there but that's it one unit bonded connected when you do the work Hashem helps please take home a copy of the book and I got one more thing I want to share with you if you can't read anyone under 30 in this audience not too many people under 30 if you know anybody under 30 if you know people under 30 cannot read physically or I don't know what they cannot read how do I know that's true that book that's right that you have a copy of so I can't on a regular basis I hear people RAB shave a great book what page you up to page 30 how long have you had it three months oh I had a guy say to me he's up to page 12 now it's there's a table of contents as com it starts on page 10 how long have you had okay I realize that anyone under 30 doesn't read even people over 30 don't read so I decided I'm doing battle so I came up with what I call a video book what's a video book a video book is exactly that it's a video book it's a it's a book yeah you'll see what it is I don't know if you can see it but wait wait this is the tale of sha and beny con sha and check all American couple both bright talented and successful both brought up in good homes both confident and goal oriented and both a bit surprised with what marriage has brought them here's Shan's version he was exhilarating he was full of energy he was moving he gave a sense of excitement and Adventure but after 3 years of marriage ADHD is driving me crazy he's always late he never puts things away and he's constantly forgetting things he forget the baby at the store if I didn't remind him why can't he just get it together and as his own take when we were going out I felt like her might and shining armor she would get nervous and I would step into Smo things over if something happened between her and one of her friends I would calm her down I felt mble and gallent rescuing Danel distress but now I feel like her anxiety is over the top high drama and she's the queen why can't she just calm down Shan and B spend the next 20 years trying to change each other but neither of them are successful get it okay got the joke I'm sorry but anyway the reason I mentioned it I have copies here um it's on it's normally it's $50 I'm selling $25 anyone's interested in a video book if you're over 30 you could also buy it um but you know because even if you're over 30 probably the video works better than many people than I'm sorry the show ID the show no you don't have to show ID but gray hair helps so Shabbat what on Shabbat you cannot watch the video book no you can read the but you should by the way the book is good I like the book it me it's it's more comprehensive than the video book the video book is more fun especially you get to watch it together this does this count as a date watching it together half a date half a date again a date means this way not this way you're still watching in front of you right you still watch doesn't uh especially when you go like this way you see the I talking about you you see see I one woman who I gave send their home with a video book and she says you know the it's terrible it's gaslighting him he's making him look like he's all right and I'm all wrong I said oh uhhuh uhhuh I see what you mean I see uhhuh okay anyway so please feel free to come over if you want a copy um if you haven't got a book you the books are should be outside I hope Robbie got a book I want to thank you all for attending and I want to thank woman what mention a woman did they here like oh don't change your husband do you ever find your wife tries to change that's you get better examples we're perfect excuse you um see what I mean yeah I see what you mean is your wife here yes yes you don't have to raise your hand don't raise your hand I once had that by the way I was once doing a shom Bas thing inip place and it was a large large crowd and my wife it was a hotel and my wife she I asked her never to come because it's it's not uncom you know anyway about 45 minutes into routine she I see her in the third row I stop I go what what now you know what it's like to review 45 minutes of material in your mind and figure out whether you're sleeping at in the bedroom or in the couch in the you know in the in the lobby that night you know anyway yeah so if your wife is here okay good no we beat the ladies up didn't we a little bit yeah don't change your husband right gentlemen take your wife out romance ladies don't change husband everybody's great [Applause] okay