Rabbi Dovid Rube Shovavim Shiur - Why Halacha matters in Marriage - Motzei Shabbos Parshas Va'era

press people that are willing to come out on the mat of Shabas to hear a little bit about the and apparently I'm sure everybody here is fasting every Monday and Thursday throughout the weeks of the but we're not going to address any of that don't worry anyway I I would like to start off with the following a number of years ago I was with my children with my children in it was a summer and during that summer was an amazing trip at one point throughout the trip we made a point of stopping by my Reby's house. And as we were leaving, my Rebi turned to my children and he says, "I want to give you a piece of advice in regard to marriage. Take this with you and understand this is the key to a healthy marriage." Waiting to hear the words of advice. And Rebi says the following. He says, "When you wake up in the morning, turn to your wife, say you're sorry. She'll know what for." And the truth of the matter is is that it is a tremendous in regard to having a healthy marriage. The question has to be common understood is that why is that something which is needed and why is it that half the time that we have conversations even though we've all heard these books before the men are from Mars and women are from Venus we ourselves continuously go through these things where we don't understand what we did that was wrong. We have absolutely no idea. It's not just a joke that we turn around, we say that we're sorry, and the next thing you know, everything is okay. We have no idea what we did wrong. And the reality is is that it's something that needs to be understood. What is that key that allows us to have what I believe is the primary points to have a healthy marriage? And it's interesting thing you know when we talk about and the importance of [clears throat] and that person goes through so many of the that a person would go through as through their of the and you talk about our focus staying away distancing ourselves from our wives during a period of time usually close to two weeks throughout the month and we have our focus we stay away and what are some of these harakas can't have them pass something directly to You say to yourself, why not? I go to the I go to the store and I buy something and the person gives me change and the person gives me the change. Okay, I'll be careful. The person doesn't pass it directly, drops it in. Fine. Assuming we're mak on things like that. Okay, so that itself is not necessarily an issue. So all of a sudden it comes over here. I have to keep more of a distance. Number one, another you can't sit in the same couch. If you're sitting there and it has the same pillows and you're sitting on one and you can actually feel when somebody gets off person picks up off the couch the other one's able to feel it that's a person can't do that during that time period a person's a becomes and you're going to be a person calls you in and it's during that time period what do you do well it's very uncomfortable so I'm just going to pass it over pass the baby no you have to put the baby down have the other person pick back up and all these things very often to us sound a little bit strange because we look at them and we say well these areas we're staying away but for what purpose what's the goal over here are compliments for goodness sake every single wife wants compliments so now it's going to come during this time period no compliments now obviously that's brought out in the pre-taro it's a great very good safer person to go through the typical compliments a person's allowed to say typical compliments are not something which is really an issue in regard Let me double check. But the point is that you're keeping a distance. What exactly does keeping a distance help us in regard to our marriage and to assume that and that the we deal with are not something which are critical for us to have a healthy marriage is a tremendous mistake. Kazal understood what is needed for us to have a healthy marriage and therefore Kazal institute many different things that are there for us to utilize the qualities that our wives have outside of the physical contact there's another part which is very na for us to have a healthy marriage tell you that uh for for quite a period of time I used to go to and I would park myself one week out of the year. I would park myself in the me area and I made a point of going to Davin in the zoo where the over there and I dik and fisher was the RV that's Dian Fisher's son unfortunately has passed and now I think his son is now the RV over there and I would watch and get tremendous from him. What was the I would watch every single day he would call together his group of Mishnayas. He would give a share and I would watch that one day there were six guys that were there by the shar one day there was 12. There was one morning there was nobody there. Not one person showed up to the shar. Guess he wasn't giving up pizza and French fries. Not one guy was there by the sh. What did he do? He opened up his mishn. He gave the sh. And I'm watching him give a share to nobody finishes at the time. I sort of look up at the clock. He closes closes closes and he picked up and he walked away. I I had such a from it cuz I was looking and saying to myself, "Wow, how often is it that if I have things I'm giving a share and it drops down to three. Oh, maybe people are really aren't interested anymore. I'm not interested in giving the share then either." And here you have a person, this is his job and he and basically he's teaching that we have a job to do a job. Anyway, so I decided one day I walked over to him and said, "Can I walk the RAV home?" So he says to me, "Sure, if you want to walk me home like an old shaman, he says, "You want to like knock yourself out?" That's what you want to do. Go ahead. So I'm walking back with him and I said to him, I said, "I'm a r in America." And he asked me, "Oh, so what does a rub do in America?" I said, "I try to give as many shirum as possible." And then uh you know, you deal with uh problems, people's problems. He says, "What type of problems are there?" I said, "Sometimes, you know, sham bias issues." So he looks at me, he says, "What's a shalom bias issue? been a rough for so long here in I said to him I said sometimes the husband and the wives are not getting along and he looks at me he says and who said they need to get along I was like that's that's a whole new outlook on how on how to approach the sha issue people come over we're not getting along say who said you need to get along like obviously that's that's much more of a you shall take on something we got married we're going to create a family we have a job to do and that's pretty much how he was living his life and I understood now how he was capable of giving a Mishna share to absolutely nobody. I have a job to do. That's my job. I'm going to do it. No matter who shows up doesn't make a difference. And therefore from there I got that insight of okay there is something to be taken from it which is we have a job to do. And sometimes you sit down you realize okay so we're not getting along on every single nuc we have to get along. No overall we're getting along with each other. So over overall we'll be able to create a positive environment for our children for our homes for our families. But it still found to be a very interesting take that when a person sits there and says to themselves who says they need to get along. This is something that made me think of uh made me think of the following. I don't know if any of you have seen Fiddler on the Roof, but in Fiddler on the Roof, at one point, Tevia turns his wife, Tea turns to his wife and he says, "Do you love me?" And she responds by saying, "Do I love you? For 25 years I've been washing your clothes. For 25 years I've been doing this." And he's like, "Yeah, but do you love me?" And again, responds back by saying, "2 years I'm doing this and 25 years I'm doing that." And at the time, of course, as your kid, you're watching, you're like, "Well, I get the point." But the reality is is the following. Sometimes the actions themselves actually prove what something really is. So if 25 years goes by and somebody is sitting there and taking care of their spouse, that obviously is something that resonates that the person cares about you and the person is focused on your happiness. So I want to focus specifically on how it is that is something that contrary to popular belief will actually help us in our marriages not only as restrictions that's not what it's there for it's not there as restrictions although [clears throat] I had some when I was in Kyle we had uh I can say his name he always used to say it depends on how you decide to read the words Right? So you can either learn learn everything very simply and just say like don't do don't do and he said no it all depends on where you put the comma. You could always go like this is lie knife and a person reads it that way everything becomes another way for you to do something. Obviously it's not the but when a person understands that the Tyra is not there as restrictions but rather the Tyra is there to create a new understanding in something that itself will help us understand how itself is something that will help us in regard to our marriages. This week's para I want to focus on for a moment. I think most of us when we went through this parish we have a question in regard to paro and in regard to his what we'll call almost lack of the first five times through the mak parro very clearly has no problem doing what he wanted to do which was do not do not let go I'm going to continue to punish them I'm going to continue to do the things that I want to do and then at a certain point as said was going to take place And now we start to harden his heart. And from that point on, every single time we're dealing with So what happened to Paris? Par goes ahead. He's willing to let go. And if he's willing to let go, you have to ask yourself, why should he be punished for the fact that he's not letting go? He's willing to but just is sitting there making him not change his mind. Well, if that's the case, we have a problem with the so how would we understand that the basically goes with the approach but a person has a desire to go in a specific direction allows them to go that way. So therefore if a person has made up by themselves this is what I want to do. So at a certain point says you lost your okay so the rabb's approach is he lost his he made it clear time and time again that he had no interest in letting go and because of that he loses his I want to take you to a gumar the garra talks about and also about says Well, he also said did not do the it was only for one reason to give an opening for baluva. Bali chuva want to be able to change. How can they know if they can change? How can they know if I've done an a can change? So therefore by the ego does the ego specifically Then the next one says and wasn't ready for wasn't ready for the what was the reason for both of them to let you know a rabb could do chuv and to let you know that a y is capable of doing chuva. So you have two sets of one set of people and then you have another person who does an a and the reason why the is done is comes a fascinating thing. [clears throat] They were strong. They were in control of their inclinations and it really wasn't worthy for their inclinations, their evil inclinations, the to conquer over them. It was a decree from the king that the would be able to control them like this. There'll be room for to say I could also do chuva because if the person does say I'm not going to go back will say to him say they were and yet they still with so I would learn from here that only if the forces me to do an a then I could do chuva that's what Rash just finished saying It's a decree from the king that they're going to be over on the on the otherwise they shouldn't have been over on anything. So where's the is taken away? So I'd like to suggest is the following and it's pretty much an approach that the moral has which is that when it comes to what is free will? What exactly is it? It's the free will to do whatever you want. Where do you have free will? Desler has required reading besides his he has a piece called where he focuses on what is and he gives the following thought is when you have two sides like waging a war when the two sides where the two sides meet that's where you have free will. A person does not have free will under the sides that have been conquered either by the or by the that's not where you have you have only on the point where there's contention meaning a person goes ahead this is his mushel person makes up his mind I'm not going to smoke he's a smoker not going to vape made up his mind he's not doing it but he's been doing it for the last four years so for 4 years vaping every single day and all of a sudden he wake goes to sleep at night and he says tomorrow morning I am not going to vape and he wakes up in the morning and he pulls it out and he vapes he had say that's absolutely not good it's it's part of his nature that's not the place where he's fighting anymore you want to know where the fight is the fight is on whatever you're struggling one day yes one day no one day yes one day no wherever Whatever that point is, that point of contention, that is where you have. But you do not have on things that are already so ruggle in you. You're so accustomed to doing it. That's not where you have. You could keep moving the line. And it says, "Therefore, when you have equal pull in both directions, that's where you have." So I'll go back to that claw was standing where by har I ask anybody in the room can you imagine sitting by and gave you a fruit do you think for a second that you would forget to make a bra absolutely not sitt in front of ki you're going to make a bra like you've never made in your life you're gonna have kavanas you're you mish be like the tasher rabba making a bra except saying the words only once right you're gonna sit there and you're gonna mamish make a braa like with tremendous kavan. So you might was giving us a and now we're going to go do anel. It's impossible. How could you do something when you're sitting in front of it's impossible and that's what it means that there was a we had control over our there was no way for us to do an so we lost our and because we lost our has to come along and say to create an equal pull just like it's so absolute that you won't do an a it has to become absolute that you would do an ara now you have equal pull it's not just onedirectional it's something which is being pulled in both directions and that's where you have when parro makes up his mind over here that he doesn't want to let go that's not what his desire was that's not what his interest was his interest lied in the fact that he wanted to stay his slaves forever but when you're being beaten over and over and over at a certain point you just say to yourself stop with the patch I'll let him go to which says no I'm giving you our question was he lost his no he lost his while he was being beaten and gave him back his by being what does it have to do with us in regard to our homes I was sitting by init and Shapiro got up and Shapiro said a vart he said quoting a medish quoted as a medish I see it's we say all of the parts of that of the is the following comes along and he explains item ism. This is when is complete? When is it complete? What's the what's the connection between and went on to explain the following? He says it's interesting that all of the zooim of the and the took place by a well always by water. Why is it by water? What's the sh is back to and he said what is he t is m it's returning back to the person. It's me of the nephesh. He says there are two things two things that every single person was created with. It was taken away from them and they have to get them back. We learned of we all learned while we were in the fetus. We learned we got that little touch on the lip. It's all gone. And now we have a responsibility to get that back. What? The we learned. And then so and so is the so and so. What's the first time this was done in regard to and wherea come from? A piece of ad. So by both the woman andra these are two things that are taken away from the person and then are returned to the person. You want to know when is complete? When it's m of the nephesh and returns to the nephesh n it's a sed of it's the itself and with the that's how a person has the mashesh of having that the wife is there together with them you need both components cuz both of them are m of the nephesh that's what creates a solid home sounds like amuz now we're going to go back to earlier points and even as far as the is concerned let ask ask you like this. What is real aus? I'll ask you what's realist what's a real partnership? What do we see as a real partnership? Here's a real partnership. You ready? Everybody's heard of Michael Jordan. Even though you guys all think LeBron's better, but clearly not. Michael Jordan one night he scores 69 points. It's true story. 69 points. Scores 69 points. That same night this guy Stacy King. Stacy King is he was great in college as far as in the NBA. Wasn't like LeBron, you know. Anyway, in NBA he wasn't that special. So Michael Jordan scored 69. Stacy King scored one. They came over to Stacy King after the game and they said to him, "How are you going to remember this night?" And Stacy King says, "I'll always remember this is the night that me and Michael combined for 70." That is not Nobody needed that one point. Nobody needed that. He brought nothing to the table. That's not real. And are they really is on equal footing with it's not just everybody has his kasha they're not like come is much bigger but says two things to explain what true partnership is like there's one type of a partnership where that's what creates true equality in the partnership and that's what it means by shuckle What is that? Says if two people want to somebody selling a business. So somebody's selling a business and two people together say, "You know what? We're coming up with the capital. We're going to buy the business." So I come over together with you and I say, "Come, we're going to go together. We're going to go buy the business." And you decide that you're backing out. I can still buy my 2% in Liverpool, right? I can still have my 2% for $6.8 million. And x amount of years later, it's worth 98.6. It's phenomenal. I could still buy my piece without you. Then let me thank you for getting the reference. So now what you have is that's a partnership. Oh, we set out to be a partner. But lisa, I don't need you in the partnership because I could still buy my piece even if you back out. But then there's a different type of a partnership. And one may be more important than the other. Example, we'll not look at his people. You got yourself a new car. Once upon a time, people were very interested in what was under the hood. That was before all electric cars, right? So, everybody's decided what is under the hood. And you'd have these guys popping over popping open the front of the hood and they're sitting there in their in their tank top and they're sitting there washing their car and looking at their at the Hemi and this and that. How many cylinders and how many pistons and they're they're beyond excited about everything about their engine. If the car was just an engine, would it be able to go anywhere? Absolutely not. But the engine is clearly the most cautious. Nobody ever popped open the hood of the car and looked at it and said, "Look at those belts and hoses." That is something to really notice. Did you see that? I mean, I'm just looking at the transmission. Even that, nobody's looking at the transmission getting excited. They only notice the transmission when it fails. Nobody's looking at the transmission. But the engine, ah, the kashas of an engine. But in order for the car to work, you need all the components in place. And if you don't have all the components in place, you don't have a car that's working says that's what it means by are because even though MOA was bigger, but it couldn't work together without Aaron. You needed a proper a proper creates that both sides are bringing something to the table. What is that? Not agreeing. When you're always agreeing with each other, that's not doesn't create growth. Last question. It's called aerd. Wife is referred to as she's your aer she becomes your connector. Many people many people feel that the wife is always a connector. No matter what I'm doing, everything is always against. Why in the world that you keep disagreeing with everything that I say? Why do I have to wake up in the morning and say I'm sorry and not knowing what I'm saying I'm sorry for? Why do I have to do that? And it's an interesting thing. Some people go through life literally feeling every single move is always going to be connected. Is it really connect? And what does it mean to be an aer? So when we think about what it is to be an Azer to really help, do you need somebody to always say yes to everything that you say or is that something that actually is not conducive for growth? Which one are we looking for? Are we looking for somebody that will always say exactly what I was thinking originally? I'm going to present an idea. I present even a business idea and I turn to my wife and I say, "This is going to be successful." And then she turns around and she says, "Wait a minute. You have this and you have that. You have this and you have that. Those points that I'm pointing out to you, that's why you're going to fail. You know, you can never agree with me." That's the response. Why can't you make me feel I have a good idea just just to help me with my idea. She is helping you with the idea. She's presenting another possibility. doesn't mean that the person is going to be your cheerleader in life and sitting there and saying to you, "Yes, you can do it. Oh, this is gonna be amazing." Yes, it's always good to have somebody behind you pushing you that you can accomplish. But to assume that that person, no matter what you say, is going to say, "Yes, yes, yes, yes." That's what you're looking for in a spouse. And if you have that, that's amazing. I'd like to I'd like to meet you afterwards because you you're you're but anybody that has that that's a tremendous milo I'm not saying it's not a milo but in the connect aspect somebody who's really out to help you is not going to agree so therefore I would suggest the following if you have somebody that has their mind made up that whenever I'm looking to my spouse I want them to agree with everything that I say connect If I'm looking at my spouse, not that everything I say they disagree with, not talking about a wife that's that's that that literally everything you say is the opposite. No, but she sees things differently. And because she sees things differently, she's going to give you a different perspective than the way that you were thinking originally, that will be beneficial. And if you can appreciate that, that's an aer. The idea of saying if she's your then she's so much of it is based on the fact of how do we approach the situation? How do we come into the marriage? How are we going to be living our lives? Do we look at our wives that they're going to be the aer which means that even though she's a different component in the car that's terrible that's terrible analogy but whatever it is how we're going to say wherever the woman is in the relationship that relationship is going to be one which is that she doesn't automatically say yes to everything that I say and I'm open to it because I want to hear a different perspective ask you the tyra how many times through gar do we have the following following rule. We see a p and the garra comes along and the garra says. What do I need a p for? It's logical. What is that telling me? What do I need a p for? It's logical. Is that telling me the is not logical? Obviously not. The is logical. So what's the issue? Why am I saying this? What do I need for if it's logical? person's driving on the road. It shouldn't happen to anybody. They say tomorrow to be careful there might be a little bit of black ice in the morning. They're say so a person is driving on the road and let's assume it's not black ice. I don't think there's anything you could the person could do about that. But he hits a patch of water. It's raining hard and he starts to hydroplane. So now as I am going off to the left as I'm driving the car. So my thing automatically, my instincts almost to a degree, my my seal tells me better pull out of it. So I start to pull quickly to the right. What happens to the car? It keeps going to the left. What do I need to do in order for it to gain traction again and then I can start going the right way? I have to turn into the way that I'm going. I have to turn to the left. The wheels will catch and then I can pull off to the right. I have to do something which is counterintuitive. I have to do something which is not my logic. I have to do something which is contrary to the way that I think. And therefore the Tyra says over and over. What do I need a for? If it's my logic, not the fact that it's just oh this is logical and the is not logical. I need a different logic than what I'm used to. And therefore when I say cross what I'm saying is what do I need a pik for if it's the same logic that I had from before I don't need it it's not teaching me anything but when I understand that the is there and giving me a different logic that I had before it's giving me a different perspective that automatically makes it that I'm a vle myself a little bit and I say oh this a different way of thinking and that helps me grow that helps me become a bigger person than I was before. If I have something that is always just cheering me on with whatever ideas that I have, the only thing I walk away with is I stay the same person that I was all along. But if [clears throat] I have somebody that challenges me, if I have somebody that is willing to give me over a different perspective and I'm willing to hear that perspective, that allows me to grow and become bigger than I ever was before. Mishas say what's the between the two that was a question that we asked before giving you say because the same thing that applies in regard to the that the is a different logic than we have our wives also have a different logic than we have and if we're willing to entertain the idea that the And the Tyra gives us a different perspective. I'm willing to be my a little bit to a different perspective. It allows me to grow and if I'm willing to do that then I'm able to walk into a marriage and say am I and she's my or am I and she's my how do we look at how do we look at do we look at those things that they are literally contrary to everything that I want in my life that means I'm not open to hearing a different perspective if I'm not open to hearing a different perspective I will never change I will never be able to become something different something bigger if I'm willing to then I am through that that I'm willing to hear other perspectives and then she becomes your so the andra and the and all of these things that we're busy with they are not there to restrict us they're only restricting us when we don't allow our minds to open up when we don't our let our minds actually think that's where the kicks in. Are we being are we thinking? That's where is saying only applies in a where there's the contention anything that's already in the past. I'm not thinking of those things. That's not where I have my and therefore as we use these weeks from all the way through whether you go from the or however many weeks you want it to be hopefully it kicks on longer than that and continues to go. But as we understand that everything that we think, of course, we're right. My Rebi used to tell me, he says, you know, you can start learning with your kid, you can start learning with your kid, and every time your kid has a cash, if it's if it's it's like a bomb casha, right? You be like, of course, it's my kid. And every time the kid does something ridiculous, like, yeah, it's my wife's kid. That's where people are. That's the way people are. Uh the reality is is that if you think that everything that you have to everything that goes on in your mind is right then obviously everything else connected [clears throat] you is going to be a conne whether it's or whether it's our wives and if we allow our minds to open up and to say yes I happen to be intelligent I happen to have good ideas not saying nobody should sell themselves short we're good and we have good ideas but we let our significant other say something and willing to entertain the idea that they're giving us good input even if it's not the way that we thought that allows us to grow. My to everybody is especially you come out on a month of Shabas that the fact is you're willing to do what needs to be done. You should all have misalias. You should all feel that completion that the shutfish and the partnership is one that is complete. Not 35 points. 35 points not 69 in one. You should have that type of aamus in your home where there's a genuine respect of one to the other that you both see each other as an aer and through that you grow and create a tremendous family moving forward. Amen.