Rabbi Shais Taub LIVE call-in show ☎️

welcome we are doing a live Callin format here on Soul wordss our first time doing this and our first caller our inaugural caller is Lisa we're just using first names and uh Lisa are you with us I am amazing thank you so much for being our first caller you are the uh nin Ben Amad that's a Biblical reference to the first member of the nation who walked into the to the Sea before it split and then it split and then everybody did it but n amov was the first one to do it so you are the nin Ben aminov of our call-in show and hopefully after you everyone will be emboldened to follow suit okay what would you like to speak about yeah um so I just wanted to quickly share um I have a a quick a story and and a question I guess um so I was diagnosed with uh cancer in 2022 and it is the unfortunately the type of cancer uh that uh reoccurs often um and so I've been fighting uh for two years um and when I was diagnosed I asked my doctor um because this is a cancer that is typically shows up in um men who are over 70 who have spent majority of their lives smoking um I never smoked I am a woman I am in my 40s um so I asked my doctor like why did this happen to me um if don't fit the criteria for this cancer and he shared with me he just said well it's just bad luck and that has kind of sat with me for two years um it is the part of this journey I'm on um I should say that I you know should be fine um but I have you know before I hit my five-year remission Mark I probably have another two years of treatment so so that's that's the journey I'm on but um and I I'm a Jewish woman who um you know is I'm kind of looking for that answer of like how does the Jewish religion see the the concept of battle look and in thisio you know how am I to find um you know some level of explaining why this happened to me yeah wow okay so first of all we have your email so do me a favor and um either now or after we get off send your Hebrew name and your mother's Hebrew name to me for prayer that's how we mention a person in prayer so we'll mention you in prayer yes and it's my understanding what you said is that according to the doctor's uh prognosis what you have is treatable and there is they're giving you very uh a strong likelihood that you'll be in remission soon God willing right so that that's that's wonderful news obviously be even more wonderful to never have had to go through it in the first place um and by the way I just want to tell you if I were Hashem and if I were running the world I would not put people through any type of trial or tribulation I wouldn't give people so much as a paper cut so if that if I were Hashem which clearly I'm not so we wonder then being that Hashem is all powerful and all knowing and all loving why does he put us through things like this um which is kind of your question um it's interesting to me you know when when it comes to doctors there's that whole realm that intangible realm of doctoring which is I guess they call it bedside uh manner you know like how they interact with the patients right and I'm sure that this doctor was very busy and had a lot of people to care for that day um but it's interesting how those words those few words really kind of shook you up and I don't know if I would use the word they Disturbed you but you weren't very comforted by the words well it was bad luck yes yeah and obviously um this doctor was probably I would say probably trying to comfort you um at at worst was not thinking about comforting you but certainly not trying to disturb you and at best maybe even was trying to comfort you and yet those words didn't really have that effect they didn't have a comforting effect um and everything I'm saying so far is is accurate I'm telling your story correctly yes and it's interesting because the thing about it was I was looking for a Medical Response and yet what he gave me was a very weird non-medical response right it's interesting when we step out of our area of expertise like when the rabbi gives a Medical Response or when the doctor gives a philosophical response um yeah that's always uh dangerous so like you probably wanted him to say something like well one out of 50,000 times the you know was some type of statistic even if it was some type of a fluke but just give me the hard numbers okay so I could understand that it was statistically an aberation ation but a word like luck has sort of like I mean it's not a scientific word luck is not a very like empirical word it's sort of a spooky word um so yeah and that kind of rattled you um so Le let's talk about it a little bit first of all did you entertain the possibility that it really is just bad luck sure okay but where did that thinking bring you I'm just curious in the thought process where did that thinking bring you when you entertain the possibility maybe it's bad luck then I immediately thought who does bad luck happen to and I thought and I know I've read when bad things happen to good people and I I I also just think think you know I do believe in God I do um see myself overall as like pretty great person um you I work for a nonprofit I um I'm filled with empathy I go out of my way to do good things I just sort of see like I know bad luck doesn't the whole point is that it does it's it's a blind bad luck right it's not like it's looking for where's the bad person that deserves no one deserves cancer for sure right um but you know like that's the whole idea is that it's just something that happens to a person with with no um it just random it's random right so if bad luck happens to you it doesn't necessarily mean that you're a bad person just you know that's what makes it bad luck if it were some type of poetic justice let's say like ah bad and a bad thing happened to them and they got their come up but luck implies that it was really there was no uh Rhyme or Reason to it at all so it wouldn't really be casting any aspersions on your character to say that you were the victim of bad luck and but you still weren't okay with that premise yeah and oddly um even though I know everything you just said is true um and I knew in that moment I knew that um it's still for some reason felt I don't know it felt personal the way he said I don't know why um but but in any case no that's very interesting to me could we dwell on that for a moment yeah okay so let me like sort of I want to try to get into your thinking here um so you know intellectually that the very definition of luck is that it's random um right so there's nothing to take personal about it and yet emotionally right intellectually but yet call from David oops to accept press one to send a voicemail press two we lost Lisa one second I hope that she calls back we lost the call we're amateurs here we're just trying this out let's see if she'll go [Music] back yeah hi hold on second we're amateurs over here good thing that you called back yeah this is Lisa again hi yeah you're back hello I think I just hi I think I just got disconnected I don't know the call drop yeah yeah but this is Lisa back with us it is yeah okay fantastic thank you for calling me back um okay we don't have such a professional setup over here so I'm dropping calls um so it's interesting intellectually you knew by definition luck bad or good luck means that there's nothing personal about it at all but emotionally you did take it personally yeah so I think I yeah go ahead go ahead tell me about it I think I felt more in that moment that uh more disappointed that I wasn't getting more of a um a medical response from from my doctor in that moment because it felt like he couldn't be bothered like I felt like he knew but didn't care to share mean there was there was a Medical Response yeah that was my first response but there was a medical response but that he did not could not be bothered to share it so he just said B luck okay and that's what you were thinking initially or that's what you think yeah now yes yeah I I my um that is my uh when I think about what I was feeling in that moment um because there's I don't think there's any other um um explanation as to why I would feel that way in that moment so it sounds like this if I can just try to unpack it initially the the reaction was like why can't you give me a more medical answer even if the answer is it's uh an extremely remote statistical uh aberration it happens to one in a million and you know that even that is basically the same as saying bad luck but it doesn't have that sort of uh spooky connotation of of the you know the unscientific he could have said it in more scientific or medical words and then it would have been fine it would have been just like okay that's what the doctor say and if I want to go make meaning of it I'll go elsewhere correct but he did tried to assign it some type of um deeper meaning which in this case was sort of like a non-meaning and and that was disturbing yeah okay yes okay and then as you were processing it you understood very well that the the words that he used by definition like like we said before luck has nothing to do with if you're a good person or a bad person so it has nothing to do with you um but emotionally you were feeling in some way that it was calling into question who you were who am I that I can I use the word deserve or that something like this would yeah okay so you would you like all right like who am I that I would deserve something like this even though you know by definition luck means it happens to people who deserve deserve and who don't deserve and there's no whether whether somebody was good or bad is irrelevant when it comes to Blind luck but emotionally you felt that it was somehow um it was a personal statement is everything I'm saying correct yes okay yes so I I have a theory but I want to ask you to tell me how you feel about it because you would have a lot more clarity than I would as far as whether you think there's any legitimacy to this Theory okay okay I think on one level the reason you were bothered by this answer is the simple like shallow superficial level which is also true on on a shallow superficial level was just you were kind of blindsided that the doctor was sort of stepping away away from a Medical Response and saying something that was more um you know Hocus Pocus so that kind of caught you off guard um but I think on a deeper level there was a an assumption on your part even if it's even if it was unarticulated even if it's it remains unarticulated even at this moment there was an assumption on your part that somehow this event this diagnosis did have personal significance and now when he tells you bad luck well yeah luck means it's not personal but the premise in your mind is so Ironclad that it must be personal so sort of strike out the word luck from the bad luck just keep the word bad and then say you know well bad person bad stuff even though intellectually you know that doesn't compute is there any truth I understand what you're saying so yeah no I yes isn't that funny it is funny yeah it is funny but it makes a lot of sense at the same time that there's this deep belief and where it comes from is not even to me is not even so relevant to this to this discussion but there's this deep belief that there is personal significance luck is not even possible here in this discussion Randomness is not possible there is personal significance so you tell me bad luck the word luck becomes thrown out the window the word bad is what's held on to and it's well it must be some saying something bad about me must be something bad about me yeah okay um wow so this is I mean like it's one thing to be given a diagnosis it's another thing to be told that you may be a bad person right and whether and because that's what you hear in that moment and then yeah even though intellectually you know none of this is factual of course of course yes but emotionally it's very real especially in in what I would describe as like pretty emotional vulnerable moment of trying to like make sense of something you can't make sense of right I mean that is probably one of the most vulnerable moments it's funny because you think about doctors having those interactions hundreds thousands of times in their career and maybe not even remembering all of those interactions but for the person who's getting that news that's a life-changing moment that's up there in your most memorable moments of your life like along with your wedding and your child's birth and I mean these are it's a huge event um so you're you're you're when you say that it's a vulnerable moment it's like yeah it's a moment when you're complet completely open I would call it completely receptive to internalize something really important and then to be told something that's sort of cavalier or offhand oh bad luck it's it it's not even possible like you're open for this massive news and then to be told yeah no there's no news at all it's almost like I I can't even accept that okay so then there has to be some news that you're not telling me maybe it's that I'm a bad person and if I can't think I can't think of anything else better than that for right now that's going to be the the placeholder I at my most open moment I just got told I might be a bad person by the person who's saving your life right right meaning this is not just the doctor giving you the diagnosis the Doctor Who's going to guide you along your uh treatment yes yeah that's that's heavy it is I mean I'm sure by now you've compartmentalized and you've been able to say if if the doctor is a good doctor then that's all that matters right so right he just he's not a good uh counselor correct right but if he's doing what he needs to do as far as your treatment then you know that's that's his role in this part yeah of your story and we can compartmentalize and say all people don't have to be all things um yeah right but you but you yeah go ahead that yeah and you're fine with that okay yeah I'm fine with that yeah okay so you have this sort of this moment when you were extremely open for some big news um I I I I almost want to say like that this this massive space is opened up um you know our minds are so busy and we we have a hard time processing new information just because I think like a lot of times we are like a laptop running with 50 open tabs and then something happens that sort of just closes all the tabs all at once you know a life-changing moment and then it's like there's this sudden massive receptivity and something has to go there and if it doesn't like if some life-changing message doesn't get inserted into that void then we sort of just walk around with this sort of of visualizing it as like this this rattling around you have this this little answer rattling around in this big giant philosophical void and it just never really settles it never we we never make peace with it it sounds like where you're at right now sounds like physically as far as the medical part of it things thank God are going very well correct correct I mean well it's it's there are the treatment there are M there's only a couple treatments for this cancer and the first round of treatments the first option didn't work so if I say that to you it sounds like it's not going well right but the good news is that the next phase the option works for like 85% of people who the first option didn't work for so I'm feeling very positive right okay um and you've gone to the second phase yet or you're I I have gone through the first part of the second phase okay and and and the prognosis is is uh very positive yes okay I mean it really is it really is okay it doesn't sound like it but it really no it it does because there's always trial and error I mean there's always the possibility of trial and error and I would assume that the reason they tried the first one first I don't know if has a higher success rate or maybe it's just easier correct which one no there's that uh it's it's the first one uh okay so they try the one that's a higher success rate that doesn't work they have another one that's also very high success rate right okay so from from I mean we're we're praying for you that this will be completely behind you complete remission um healthier than ever but as far as the the medical part of it that that's sort of handled but this philosophical void of like okay here I was opened up and ready for a big lesson and I got this yeah I don't even know what to call it and you you weren't sure what to even do with that information it sort of left you with this weird conclusion which you intellectually know is completely baseless uh left you with this weird conclusion oh maybe I'm a bad person maybe I'm not as good as I thought I was um is it okay could we explore that a little bit more because you know we're saying how luck implies Randomness so I I tend to believe that nothing is random it's based on my faith that that nothing is random and especially the the ideas that we tell ourselves they may be wrong they may be self-defeating they may even be toxic but they're never random the ideas that we feed ourselves especially the ones we repeat to ourselves are never random I mean you could have settled on a lot of other theories as a placeholder it's interesting to me that your mind settled on this idea even though you intelle intellectually know that it's completely baseless it's interesting to me that you settled on this placeholder idea that maybe this disease came to tell me I'm not a good person okay now could we could we talk about that yeah okay I don't think anybody likes to be told that they're not a good person or even that someone else thinks that they're not a good person even if you don't value that other person's opinion it kind of hurts to be be told I mean I I people won't believe this but I get Disturbed When a Stranger on the internet who saw a 30 second clip of me thinks that I'm not a good person right let but let's talk about this why what are the what are the thoughts you have surrounding this this idea about your um I mean I'm sure it's like childhood trauma or something well that's the answer to everything nowadays and sometimes that actually is sometimes it actually is I mean is that the slam dunk answer does that make a lot of sense to you I mean were you were you told that you're not a good person yeah I have I have some of that in my uh childhood so I think that a child of trauma like that walks around with a lot of and I've had a ton of therapy so I'm very comfortable talking about this but I think um um you know a CH a child of trauma walks around with a lot of Shame and a lot of that um and you were specifically told you're not a good person um yeah it was pretty bad yeah yes yes yes okay and and you were told you're not a good person not only as a hurtful uh uh thing to say but also as an explanation for why something bad is being done to you well if you wouldn't have been so whatever then I wouldn't be having to do such and such to you right now um yeah yeah right so not only are you being abused but you're being told that you deserve your abuse or you brought it upon yourself which is by the way where every child mind goes every child believes especially when someone who is supposed to be their caretaker hurts them every child believes Well it can't be random it must be because of me I must deserve this so that's where every child's mind goes and to be explicitly told that then it's even like a thousandfold that this is a deeply internalized idea well you see to see the kinds of things that I bring upon myself yeah and you said you went through a lot of therapy to get rid of that yes and actually um it was super helpful I'm really glad that I did and um I I can't even imagine where I would be if I didn't do that but um they say is that Hashem sends the healing before the injury before the illness so it's interesting first of all the treatment that you have exists in the world so for your medical treatment the treatment exists Hashem put it in the world before the illness but also I'm thinking on a deeper level imagine if you had gone to that doctor's appointment without your therapy imagine if you had gone to that doctor's appointment still deeply under the spell of the trauma traumatic messages and be be told by a doctor well you got an illness because it's bad luck that yeah I mean would have been affirmation of every terrible thing that ever been told to you yeah and the fact that you'd gone through the therapy that you've gone through yeah it's still touched you because when you have a wound and you touch a wound especially an old wound especially a childhood wound you're going to feel something but at least your brain was able to say this is this doesn't compute this is not this is not true yeah and it's almost like you're being given a chance to to really take all of that therapy and put it to the test now to the ultimate test yeah I think and I think in terms of you know obviously um you can't go through something like this and not deeply think about your own spirituality your own um belie in God your own like what does this this is the moment uh for me at least um and then I I should add that I lost my dad in this same year and couldn't go to his funeral out of state because I was dealing with my treatment um and it was during it was 2022 it was during this time when we were like postco but things like the planes were you know you couldn't really rely on the fact that if you left out of state you were going to get back um right and I just couldn't go and um that was really hard but I just uh you know there's for me there you know there's there's knowing um intellectually like you said like you know the facts of the situation you know um and then you have like the subconscious and then you have like spiritual but for me in this moment like I've I I grew up reform um but uh we went to an orthodox Temple and I've never felt personally Closer to My Religion than I feel through these past two years and you're saying coinciding with your treatment I want during this period of seeking treatment medically has also been a time of spiritual blossoming for you yeah and to what do you attribute that well I think it's for me it's a feeling of thinking about and in with the loss of my dad too during that same year of diagnosis of initial diagnosis I think um thinking a lot about my own mortality um and I want to just get closer to some feeling of spiritual guidance to help me navigate um past just what I'm getting which is very little for my you know for my my my team my medical team so right and as we said before we've compartmentalized the medical team just does what they need to do and they don't have to have the spiritual answers right um right can I ask a question that you know I'm going to prod a little bit um as far as your relationship with your father how did you leave things at the very end I spent uh the majority of my life not really having a relationship with my father um Beyond just saying hello if he was in a room um and and I'm not GNA ask and I don't even feel that I need to ask but I I don't need to know if he's the one who told you those messages or if he was part of it or okay he was the one who told you um yeah right so obviously the relationship is what we call complicated relationship yes okay and so that's for many years it was a cordial hello I bye which is probably all you could handle yeah exactly okay and toward the end and the same thing towards the end and I um I wish that I you know I could say I wish that I had a better relationship before he died with him or I could have been there to say goodbye um but [Music] I also part of me um I don't know it as you said it's complicated and yet you would have liked to have been at the funeral yes you wanted to be there mostly mostly to support my mom I think really and my brother yeah there's two of you yeah and so this was already two three years ago that he passed yeah yes you were you were able to say yizar for him yes yes like Yim Kipper this year you were able to do it I did yes how how does that feel for you doing that act for him for his soul that feels good it feels appropriate it feels like um that feels like what I should have done what I should do it I want to tell you something um and I there's so many people listening and so I want to be conscious of that and I want to be sensitive to that that that not everyone's journey is the same but sure you're at a very advanced level um in this regard um many people who have a story like yours I mean no no two stories are identical but people who have similar stories are not able to do things for the benefit of The Departed Soul uh they struggle with it they struggle a great deal with it and the fact that not only you're able to do it but you that but that you feel congruent with it would that be a accurate word that you feel congruent with the act of doing things for his soul yes okay yes so yeah I think that's because I think it's because I know that he I believe that he was and my family believes that he was undiagnosed bipolar and so I don't I can sort of let him off the hook a little bit um in that regard so and while I may not have wanted to put myself in a situation where I was in a room with him in a you know big conversation or you know put myself at risk in that moment I also you know set myself up potentially for pain I still want to you know do things that support him you're saying a lot of like there are a lot of gems coming out right now and I'm not sure if everyone's catching it all because a lot of it is the Paradox um that you're expressing in a very seamless organic way the fact that you were able to forgive and let go and heal and make peace with him to the extent that you feel congruent with doing things to honor his soul and yet and yet at the very same time recognizing that you weren't able to reconcile to the extent of having a normal type of relationship and normal interactions with him and that those two things can both be true yeah but that's a that's a big uh that's a big lesson and not everybody gets to that's why I say you're very very advanced in this regard not a lot of people can get to that point um like it's one of two extremes either I have to force myself to subject to subject myself to all of this person's irrational behaviors even if it kills me quite literally or I separate myself from it from my own sanity and my own safety but then I have to completely write this person out of my life as if they had no significance and the fact that you're able you were able to do what you needed to do as far as recognizing that the relationship was going to be what the relationship was it couldn't be the typical father da daughter relationship um and as you say the theory is undiagnosed bipolar and if he was undiagnosed that means untreated so that means that it was never really safe until the end so yeah you had to protect yourself um and at the same time although you needed certain safety um you were able to make peace with I mean if I I don't want to get too spiritual but I am a rabbi so I I'll go there and I'll say you were able to make peace with his soul so almost like like I was saying before compartmentalizing like the doctor is the doctor the doctor doesn't have to be the rabbi there's another type of compartmentalization where we say you know a soul has an embodiment experience and part of that embodiment experience for whatever reason reasons beyond our ability to understand this Soul had to have an embodiment experience which entailed mental illness um which caused Untold damage to that person's family I'm talking about your father so I'm saying it's like that's his embodiment that's his embodiment story The embodiment story is that he wasn't a huge success as a father I mean that's just the reality but then there's a soul there there is a soul there's a there's an eternal being an entity which really not only existed before the embodiment but existed before the creation of the world and that's what you're connecting to when you honor his memory you're not pretending that he was father of the year you're acknowledging that there's something Transcendent to his identity that existed before his embodiment and continues to exist after his embodiment that's what you're connecting to um the way I'm speaking now I mean is very metaphysical so I just want to I'm not sure your comfort level with this type of talk but does this resonate with you it does actually and and you know it it really speaks to the fact that honestly he wasn't I mean no one is well some people I suppose there's someone out there who fits this SP but he was complicated in the sense that he wasn't like there were parts of him that were lovely sure and he did love my brother and I he just wasn't able to properly love us so right and that's part of the tragedy way we that yeah in the moments where he was able to be loving like if you could just take that and what do you call it cut and paste that over and over and over again as if that were your entire childhood that would have been a wonderful childhood right yes but the not knowing when you're going to get the different version of him yeah is excruciating exactly exactly like even if he could have scheduled it for you even if could have said I'm going to be the devil for the next 3 weeks okay no problem let's plan it exhausting and excruciating so let's go back to this moment where you know you get this diagnosis and you ask this why question which of course the doctor can't really answer um a why question by definition belongs to the realm of philosophy doctor could answer how what is the mechanism whereby this has occurred but why is a philosophical question um and you ask this why question and he says bad luck and it's funny it's like I almost asked it like I knew what he was going to answer I bet you did like I'm sure that you did no I'm 100% sure that you did I'm sure that you asked for that answer I think that we are way more intuitive than we give ourselves credit for especially if you are a child of trauma so I'm sure you've heard terms like hypervigilance like yes you know having that ESP to know when your Father's Footsteps are a little bit off and it means go hide right that little ESP that hyper sensitivity hyper vigilance and you know your spider senses are Ling um it almost seems like ESP like like being psychic it's that good um I think that it's that good that you probably knew it was a chess move it was an opening move which you knew exactly how it' be responded to you asked I want to be careful how I say this because I don't want it to sound like I'm blaming you I'm more just sure so I'm not blaming I I don't think you did anything wrong I think it's fascinating that you basically followed a script and you said to the doctor now here's where you tell me I deserve it and he said okay right y okay I'm just a dumb doctor I don't know I I can treat your body I don't know how to answer questions wisely okay you deserve it and you were like that's right that's the right answer and even though your brain knows it's not right imagine if you were going through this conundrum right now without all that work that you did in therapy I can't even imagine can't imagine it I'd be my brother my brother who didn't have 10 years of therapy yeah yes wow okay so this is sort of I think this is the like graduation from the therapy I think this is where the rubber meets the road have you spoken to your therapist about this um so when I say I had therapy not recently I know but did you go back oh no no you you you were you gradu so to speak your your therapy yes are are you still on good professional terms with the therapist um it's been so long I would uh I don't even know if my therapist is with us any longer okay so I think this may also be part of your story is finding where this person is and reaching out yeah and telling this therapist I just want you to know that I saw you 10 years ago however long it was um I want you to know how that work all clicked into place in the past few years you know to say like you know who my father was you I told you all about him I lost him I couldn't go to the funeral because I was getting treatment um I had this life-changing moment where I asked the doctor why doctor said bad luck my trauma brain went and took it as a personal insult like there you go again getting yourself into a fix yeah only happens to one in a million people and it happened to you right and that's what that voice told me and um because of the work we did together I was able to hear the voice it's not that I don't hear the voice I still have that voice but I was able to hear it and I was able to identify what it is and was able to let it go and to know that that's not part of my truth I think if if I were the therapist I would be like so deeply fulfilled to hear an epilogue to your story like that yeah I I think that would be I can see how that would be really meaningful so let's now from your formed position of knowing that you're not a bad person that your father was battling with a mental illness that he had no diagnosis for um that you were never a bad person that you never brought bad things upon yourself so now from that position maybe you could retell me your story in a few sentences and and and I would like it to just include you could include other chapters if you want but it's a three four sentence paragraph of your life it should include your childhood trauma a sentence half a sentence and it should include this moment of the doctor the bad luck um line but then I want the last sentence to be your interpretation of how this is your heroic Journey um so I would say I uh I was a child of uh some trauma and uh then later in life I was diagnosed with cancer and um wanted to know you know why this has happened to me I asked the doctor he shared with me uh that he felt it was probably just bad luck um and and I uh Now understand from the work that I've done uh with my therapy uh in my life that um this was not something that happened to me uh that I deserved uh because I was uh you know victim of this trauma this is just something that uh has happened to me in my life and I will uh recover from and learn from and find ways in my life to help other people heal from um who go through similar situations and whatever way that looks like that is an awesome story that's a that's an awesome story and and when you say much better story than the question I gave you no but this this story was in the question you gave me yeah it was in there yes yes it was in there it was in there so this is an amazing story and I love how part of your resolution of the story is how you go on to help others um I mean it's always about helping others that's a spoiler alert but it's always about helping others but especially I think this unique lesson of having a special message that you had to learn the hard way that you paid full tuition for for this lesson and now can share that with others meaning you're not the only person who is taking life's hardships as a clear sign of unworthiness and I think you can be an ambassador of comfort to those people yeah I don't know what that'll look like yet but I I definitely want to do that right and and we never know what it'll look like but um we have to be open to Divine Providence Hashem will present us with opportunities um we have to keep our eyes open and uh the opportunities always come to us if if the opportunity is in China Hashem will orchestrate some grand plan to get us to China we won't have to go chasing it so yeah I would just and it could even be helping your brother although helping family is always the hardest yes so it may or may not be that I don't know yeah so you're a good person who's had a hard life you've deeply internalized some big wisdom and you're open to sharing that with others in a helpful way that's that's an amazing story and an amazing life thank you so much for your time I really appreciate it and I just think what you're doing um is really resonating with a lot of people so so thank you and it's it's really beautiful well thank you for having the courage to uh to be the Pioneer over here um and please do send me your Hebrew name and your mother's Hebrew name and we'll go mention your name for prayer than yeah yeah okay thank you so much and um okay I guess I'm going to grab the next call but thank you so so so much please be in touch with me I through email I will thank you so much byebye my pleasure you will yes hello from Ala oh I lost that okay hold on a second well that was an amazing call I have other calls coming in one second one second [Music] yeah hello yeah hi are you calling in right now okay try again on that number that I gave you oh actually wait can you call me back in like f no one second no no on that other number that 516 number wait could you call me in 15 minutes is that okay no no we can do it now let's do it now okay fine okay call me call call me right now okay all right that was an amazing call um [Music] one second yeah hello you're on hello yeah you're on yeah you're on right now yeah okay somebody's asking in the chat are the emails being read no I I can't read the emails while I'm I don't have such a big team over here it's just me so uh no I'm not reading the emails right now I'll read them later tonight okay so um we're doing first names here if you're okay just introducing yourself y sure sure my name is Becky okay Becky okay um what's your call about ah first I want to say that I I just very much enjoyed listening to the previous caller and uh very different nature of a question uh what I'm thinking of and what I've been thinking of for uh very intensely this past week uh less intensely the last few months and of course the last year is how in the world we uh are going to how should we how can we um not just celebrate how should we think about this upcoming holiday ofes and Sim Torah um I have a few different dimensions of this this question but uh just to just to State it from the get-go this will be a very complicated holiday for the Jewish people obviously um it's you know the culmination of s of of of suus which is also it's it's a holiday of sim of joy and it culminates with the most joyous day Torah a day literally called by by Sim of Joy dancing and we dance we literally dance on this day it's one of the most joyous days of the Jewish calendar and yet this year it will be the first yard fight of 1,200 plus a day of trauma a source of so much pain from the last year and I I just I want to know how to think about it and the reason I want to know how to think about it is because you know uh cabala teaches us that thoughts are born from feelings how we think about how we feel about things are actually stem from what we how we think about it so my question really is how to think about it because the feelings will come from there I mean some feelings will just naturally obviously stem each in their own way but I want a framework I want framework for what should we be thinking on this day and not in either extreme I feel like the um just to State one more Point here um of framing my question I know a lot of people are going to have trouble feeling any sort of Joy at all understandably it's so like we said so much pain and it's going to be hard to tap into what is it g even mean simplus Torah on a day like this how how could I even I think so unrealistic maybe they're even writing it off and on the other Spectrum you may have many um many many many Jews who say it's a day of Joy it's a day of simha it's a day of dancing right how can I think about anything but dancing and joy and and happiness I mean that is what the day is all about and I I I know you know you've spoken about many times and I'm a big believer in Paradox right um and I understand that godliness is um found in the Paradox and you know perhaps you'll you'll want to get into that as well but I'm sure you will I'm sure you will I wasn't actually I was not intending on going into Paradox but since but since you mentioned Paradox it's one of my favorite subjects and you're correct it's one of my favorite so I love Paradox hold the answer about how how and I just want to frame for everybody the Paradox that you're describing okay okay so you're saying there are people who will go to one extreme and be consumed with the grief there are other people and and they won't be conflicted about it because they'll just go entirely in that direction there are other people who will be able to go completely in the spirit of the holiday and also will not be conflicted with it you're saying you don't think you can be either of those um and you're suggesting if I'm hearing you correctly that per perhaps the answer is not a or b but it's somehow C which would be the Paradox yeah and you're wondering what that Paradox might be yeah yeah yeah how how to frame it how to think about it how to experience it how to how to actually live with that yeah so I wasn't going to frame it as a paradox but it is it is a paradox um because it acknowledges two seemingly contradictory truths which which is what a par well there's different definitions of Paradox but one definition is the Recon reconciliation of two seemingly opposite ideas seemingly opposite meaning they ultimately can be reconciled um yeah you know it's interesting so I I write a column a weekly column in Amy magazine and an advice column um which is sort of how I even started in the world of I guess doing what I'm doing here which is answering people's questions um I I never was the question guy before um it was I don't know 10 11 years ago uh Rabbi uh Frank fder from Amy magazine had never even met me in person and after one phone conversation told me I should write an advice column which was whatever that's a whole story unto itself for another time but this this current issue that's out right now somebody wrote to me a man wrote to me um saying that he doesn't like simra because it's too uh fanatic boisterous I think he used the word boisterous um he never liked it ever since he was a kid he always got overwhelmed by the the loudness of it um he said for a while he drank so he would be able to like deal with it that way but then he realized that he shouldn't be drinking because whatever he didn't give a reason but so now he can't even drink so now it's like really excruciating to be there and his wife doesn't understand any of that and she wants him to bring the kids and he says he has two kids on the Spectrum so they're going to probably just have a meltdown over there and I'm I'm summarizing it briefly but at the end of the letter he says to me I'm thinking I know this is only kicking the can down the road cuz it doesn't solve the problem for for following years but maybe just this year I'll use the excuse at least to my wife that I'm not able to go to Sara festivities because it's the first anniversary of October 7th so I would use that as my excuse okay so without getting into a whole long answer what I told him um by the way what do you think I told him well something from his question because you used the always my style yeah um I I I he told me he has two kids on the Spectrum he told me that he's always I mean most kids love Simka star it's their favorite day of the year that he's always been overwhelmed by it and thought it was boisterous I told him maybe he should uh get a diagnosis that maybe he's on the Spectrum and to be of his own uh sensory issues and once he's aware of it um he can advocate for himself a little bit better a little bit more realistically as far as like knowing what he's getting into and not overextending himself so you know it doesn't have to be all or nothing but once you know that yeah I do have trouble with crowds I do have trouble with loud places I do have trouble even when it's positive energy it's just it's overwhelming right once you can admit that and understand the mechanics behind it that there are sensory issues going on then you can advocate for yourself and make a better plan a more realistic plan that'll probably be more successful not only for you but for your for your kids so that's what that's what I told them and then in a PS I said and by the way I didn't even want to answer this in the in the body of the letter because I I didn't want to dignify it by giving it too much Credence I said I don't remember exactly the words I use but something like I hope you understand how inappropriate I think the word I used was inappropriate it would be to invoke that excuse that you suggested like how how inappropriate it would be to use that as your as your excuse um and so what I told him is um you know oh this sounds like it's really getting off topic but it's it's not I'm I'm I have a goal here in mind so you know I do sometimes speak about um I guess you call them sensitive Souls people who don't have an easy time with the embodiment experience and I I mentioned to that that I mentioned to him that in passing in the letter that like you know having sensory issues and being easily overstimulated that's all part of this profile of being a sensitive Soul um I mentioned him the fact that he had a problem with alcohol is also part of that profile because when you're overstimulated because you're so sensitive very very very very uh common to then self-medicate with alcohol specifically because it numbs all that um it just makes it more tolerable to deal with uh the the world um so you know I I I told him a lot of that profile is basically about an over sensitivity to the embodiment uh condition um I have I I don't want to get super super off topic but I have a whole theory about the the uh um intersection between um sensory processing disorders and addiction as a form of self-medication and autoimmune disorders that it's all a form of over sensitivity to the embodiment condition um so basically I described it as a as a you know an auto autoimmune disorder I didn't mentioned this to him cuz he he hadn't mentioned this but um you know to me an autoimmune disorder is basically being allergic to yourself it's like an organ rejection but it's not a donor organ it's your own organ you're rejecting it right right so a lot of this uncomfortable in my own skin right where that that's this hyper sensitivity to the embod experience it's like the soul is in the body saying get me out of here and that's why there's this hypens ity to physical stimuli because it's like whoa whoa whoa too much embodiment experience the embodiment is too intense right um yeah and autism by the way is the the etymologically from the word Auto which means self which is a retreat into self when the phenomenological Universe becomes over stimulating okay but at any rate I this is my whole little pet theory about this profile um so I didn't say any of this so explicitly to him in the letter but I did mention to him that you know he may recognize in his children he may recognize in himself this sort [Music] of uh lack of harmony with the body sort of feeling unsettled in your own body so I said to him that on a day that is the anniversary of so many Jews being forcibly violently taken from their bodies their souls were snatched from their bodies um it would be an appropriate reaction to do something with your body meaning to say those who are taken from the physical world who are murdered um what is the soul continues to to live on the soul existed I told the previous caller the soul exists not only prior to the embodiment but the soul exists prior to the creation of the world so the soul continues to live on but what is the soul lacking the soul is lacking embodiment and why is embodiment so important for that we'd have to get into a whole other discussion about why the infinite I mean speaking about Paradox but why the infinite one desires to make the Earth holier than Heaven why the infinite one wants to see the ultimate spirituality being manifest on the physical plane so that's the point of embodiment um so we're here the soul is here for a purpose and as long as the soul is in the body it has an opportunity to engage the body and engage the physical world around it and refine the physical world around it and uplift and Elevate the physical plane which is ultimately the entire purpose for which the soul came into embodiment so I said to him I mean I'm elaborating right now but I said to him that it's his duty to use his body and I said especially on Simas tor why Sim t as you mentioned before the word Sim means Joy but it's it's uh it's uh two words Simas Torah which is the joy of the Torah which many people translate as rejoicing with the Torah but it actually means the joy of the Torah it means the torah's joy andus explains that Torah the Torah itself is happy now when you're happy you want to dance the problem is the Torah doesn't have feet so the Torah is full of joy and can't express it can't dance so our job on this is what explains is to act as a vehicle to allow Torah itself to channel its own joy we use our feet to dance we take the Torah we hold it in our arms and we carry it around in circles dancing around uh the beima we use our bodies as a vehicle as a chariot for the Torah to express its Joy so I said on a day like where the entire um MO is to lend your body to channeling something greater than yourself uh in this case the joy of the Torah um and on this day it happens to poignantly be a day when there are so many Jews this year who will not have that opportunity because their bodies were taken from them so how much more of a Duty do you have this year to lend your body to that effort so yeah that's what I told him and um and I think that is your Paradox there because on one hand it acknowledges the fact facts of what happened it doesn't ignore the facts but then it uses those facts to propel us into a mode of at least behaving joyfully because that is the duty that we have to those for whom we're mourning yeah yeah I'm finding this um very very powerfully meaningful more than some other things that I have seen you know I've been on the lookout for you know various perspectives on how to go about this day and I do find this this perspective um this idea very meaningful and um empowering right and also like you know I asked about how should I think about it but really you're you're saying what I should do about it it's not it's really transforming um straightway into into action right but it's it's action that's based on there it's also how you should think about it because there's a reason for why you should behave this way in other words it's not just telling you go dance and trust me that's the best thing to do I'm not telling you to trust me I'm saying here is a framework within which to understand why dancing will be the most appropriate thing to do so it's both it's it's it's a yeah it's a cognitive framework it's also a behavioral uh protocol but you know I want to share with you a story that personally um was told to me uh many years ago has to at this point be 10 15 years ago um but I think it's very appropriate to this idea here um extremely appropriate and I've told this story publicly a number of times so my apologies if you've heard it before but about like I said I calculate it was 10 15 years ago I went to a uh an old age home a nursing home in Chicago and we went there to basically spread joy to give out chabas candles to put on Fillin um you know the typical stuff that you do you know the laer Friday afternoon sort of protocol and I was speaking to this uh resident there of this facility and he was telling me about the last time he saw his father he was telling me about growing up in Poland um and that he told me in hisle they had a wood Sho with 20 CA um and that on Sim they would bring out all of the Torah Scrolls I remember him telling me there were 20 Torah Scrolls um and that Sim T was like the biggest deal for him and he said the last time he saw his father was when he had to go into hiding and he said his father was trying to comfort him so his father told him like it's okay we're going to get together again and we're going to dance together on Sim and my understanding was the father picked on something that was like a favorite thing of this child and so the father said to him we're going to dance together together on Tor and you're going to go on my shoulders I'm going to put you on my shoulders and we're going to dance around uh the beima in circles with you with you on my shoulders and it's all going to be fine I'll I'll see you I I think also based on the timing of when they last saw each other the idea also was that we'll be together very soon indeed in time for Sim T okay what he told me is though he went into hiding and I'm not sure I don't remember the details of his story or if he even shared them with me but um I don't know how he survived but his father did not survive no none of his family survived um he did not see his father in time for Simas that year or the next year or the next year um and basically at the end of the war he was in a DP camp and he said that the DP Camp had a sh which I think was just like a tent uh and they had a say for Torah I believe the DP camps were run by um American uh military so they did have some modum of facilities uh and in this case they had like a a tent that was a sh and they had a they had a sa for Torah they had a Torah scroll so he said the first Sim Torah that he was in the DP camp where they were all survivors there um nobody really wanted to celebrate because all of these people had lost relatives they' all you know been through through hell and it was not a very C laboratory mood so um he said he was still a kid before our Mitzvah and he was he was the only one dancing and he was going around in circles around the beam over and over and over again so he says that he he was cognizant of the fact that the people were talking about him he was the only one dancing in circles and uh he said like some of the men were saying you got to stop that kid it's inappropriate what he's doing you know this is after everything we've been through this is not appropriate he said other people were worried about me that maybe I lost my mind so he said one of the men came over to me and says to me um you know like what are you doing so he said I said to this man Mis the last time I saw my father my father made a promise to me that we're going to get together again and that he's going to put me on his shoulders and he's going to dance me around on S like we always did and um it didn't exactly work out the way that I imagined it was going to be he says but what difference does it make to you you if I dance on my father's shoulders or if my father dances on my shoulders my father is dancing on my shoulders right now and he continued to dance around the beima so this is the story the guy tells me um obviously that's a connection between a father and a son it's a very direct connection but to some extent we're all connected and anyone who would be dancing if they had their body is riding on our shoulders now when we dance so it's not like am I joyful enough to go dancing you know I want to share a secret with you the guy who wrote that letter that I was mentioning before I relate to it very much because it's not like I'm a guy who loves dancing and commotion and all that so it's not about whether I'm in a festive mood like especially not this year it's like hold on a second the Torah wants to dance uh these Souls who are in heaven whose your tight is that day want to dance like it's not about me anymore at this point I still have a body you know like I'm look I got feet I have a duty now there's someone riding on my shoulders so that's how I'm choosing to look at it I I have to I there's a follow-up question to that which if you if you don't mind yeah please thank you because I find that incredibly meaningful and and for me I really think that would do it um um the the follow-up question not to take away whatsoever from that that answer is um on the women's section in the women's section you know I I grew up going to a show actually where there was a great mitaa and the women danced we danced with each other maybe not you know with the safer Torah but we danced with each other and uh we felt the joy and for me I I'm nervous I'm nervous about how I'm going to feel about the day how I'm going to think about the day how I'm going to um be experiencing experiencing it right I'm putting so much thought into it um but at the end of the day I you know I I wish and I I would hope that I I could dance physically but I may be in a show that doesn't have a setup for women to dance and I know forget myself that's true for many women um across the globe who may be in a in a synagogue that doesn't have a section that is appropriate for women to dance as well how can we um watching The Dance T really take to heart what you said and and and take to action what you said if we're not actually physically dancing or what do we do about that yeah well you raise a very important issue um which is a perennial issue I mean it's not specific to this year I I think that there has to be a situation where where women can dance it's very important um maybe this year will'll give you an excuse to take the lead to somehow arrange for amazing amazing I will I will and I want you to know that I about you it's not that you want to dance it's not like you're in a dancing mood it's not about you yeah it's a duty yeah and and you know before you even shared your your powerful idea this is how I feel I feel like you know just sitting and watching and experiencing the bubbling of emotion inside it's not going to do it we're going to have to you know I'm either going to burst out in in tears or burst out and I might as well burst out in in dance with tears right you know it'll be I'm sure the tears will be there but it might as well um take take action and take a form um so I love that permission but in general I think the larger more generalized question here is also what if somebody has their own personal experience of the day and what they're feeling and what they're thinking and how they're experiencing it and perhaps they're the community that they're in or the synagogue that they're in a different has a different way yeah a different feel Yeah a different or a different feel or isn't you know um isn't even I don't know maybe it's not mentioning it maybe not giving it crazy they themselves that you know the leadership don't even know how to deal with it yeah they don't know how to how to present the Paradox you know what what if there's that dichotomy between your own experience and that of your community yeah well that's bound to be the case um regarding at least something you know if it's not this issue then it's some other issue that's part of uh the reality of being part of a community is not everyone is always going to agree and especially when something's deeply personal to you then it's probably even less likely that the community is going to be and the same wavelength with you you know the more the more personal it is the more personal it is the less likely it is to be yeah shared by others um yeah I I I think that's another Paradox which is allowing for an internal experience and an external experience and not everybody has to understand how I'm interpreting what's going on and what I'm doing right now U my narrative may be vastly different than what everyone around me is observing um and that's fine and I don't have to feel frustration with like why isn't everyone interpreting it the way that I am um it's like this is personal to me this is the way I understand it this is my prayer like literally this is between me and God and God knows how I'm interpreting it and that's it and do I need a human being to also on top of that come and validate me it's nice but no I don't need it I don't need a a human being to validate that I'm having an authentic experience and you know I'm going to apply that to the women dancing because what if you know my if I if I take out if I pull the Mak a little further and I say okay you know let's start and then the leadership of the synagogue I'm inan is not okay with that or what if you know it's not me and it's a different synagogue and and and a woman is is finding that that's not an option for her so I think that that can answer that as well yeah it's it's always tough being part of uh a group of humans that's yeah yeah I I I appreciate the I appreciate the acknowledgement you know sometimes that the just acknowledging that that yeah your experience might be very different and not to expect and not even to expect their try because I think I've a lot of my you know if you will anxiety leading up to this day has been you know how do I get people on board uh what can we do let's make a committee okay how do we change things yeah yeahh that's not going to work yeah but what we can do is be confident in the authenticity of our own personal experience and often that is very attractive to certain people to certain people um the internet has taught me this lesson by the way um the internet taught me how to be authentic uh the algorithm is merciless in its insistence upon punishing confusing signals I mean the the greatest punishment that the algorithm can can do out is plunging somebody into Perpetual anonymity where you're creating into a void so the greatest crime you can commit against the algorithm is confusing the algorithm so what does the algorithm insist upon I'm using all these uh personifying terms these uh anthropomorphic terms but the algorithm insists on Clarity tell me who you are and I'll pump you out to the people who like that kind of stuff it's a big world there's billions of people like there's an audience for everything but just let me know what you're about so I can find those people for you so one of the things I learned the algorithm is don't try to be Universal don't play it safe don't head your bets because it confuses the algorithm it can't figure out who you are and so it just ignores you but if you just lean into whatever it is that you already are unapologetically when I say unap unapologetically I don't mean to intentionally try to offend people God forbid but what I'm saying is just be yourself um I think it was Dolly part who said the key to life is find out who you are and then be that on purpose so lean into who you are then the algorithm will not be confused it'll say oh I know what this guy is about and it can be the weirdest combination of factors but at least it knows that's what it is and then all of a sudden it brings you all the other people who also are into those weird that weird combination of interests so what I'm saying is the more authentic you can be the more confident you can be not that your truth is right for everybody but that your truth is right for you uh the more you will actually attract people who are ready to be inspired by that truth so you don't you don't no I appreciate that but there's theak and P there's but you at the same time you also have in a community setting yeah not Paradox right in a community setting your authenticity can't overshadow the but here's the Paradox of the you mentioned the viak which are the double Torah portions which are often put together even though that they have the the the term itself is axi moranic because vako means Gathering and PUD means individuation but what makes it a true Paradox as opposed to just taking two opposites and blending them um which is not a paradox that's just blending two opposites it's like taking hot water and cold water and getting lukewarm water that's not a paradox paradox is where the hot remains hot and the cold remains cold and neither has to compromise itself to the other um the the true Paradox is that ultimately the viaka P Paradox is that we do not need to suppress our individual in identity in order to thrive in a community but that actually by embracing our own individual identity that is precisely how we best benefit the community beautiful so be yourself and if somebody doesn't like who who you who you are so then you can be polite to them go be yourself you know 10 ft away you can go move down a little bit okay no problem you don't like my vibe no problem I'll move it 10 20 feet away from you you can have some space amazing okay I if if you don't mind one more follow-up question to this yeah sure thank you thank you this was a little bit more technical but again it's still in the realm of how should we be thinking and feeling about this day which the question is what if that day is two days um what if you you know in ER you throw sh and Torah is all inone it's a package deal and sure enough that's the day and all of October 7th and um and and that's the day of Simas Torah as well and here out here meaning outside of the land of Israel it's this weird split and I'll be honest with you I have this question every year and I've always had this question not fully understanding why you know whenever we have a holiday that we then have a second day it's just the same day twice and yet for some reason on this day it's split into two and we call one of themas we call the other T and yet you know in y they're both I mean they're both this is a highly technical question this is a technical question but I I want to to the time you know besides for how this works and you know I don't need the explanation of how this works right now um and you know what is Torah even but specifically applied to this year the first day we're not even dancing with the Torah I mean I know the used to have you know some um on the first day what if you're notab right what what what is you know how do we channel the intensity of um the the Shia SAS which is the yard site at you know that first day and of course it bled into the second day but that first day is that that first day um when it's not even s Tor yet for us yeah maybe this is uh grounds to encourage the custom of hakas Onis evening which is not a custom of all communities but maybe maybe this is an opportunity to encourage that you want to hear a story yeah okay here's a story maybe we'll finish with this because uh it's getting light um so there was aik who was from Poland and he lost his family in the Holocaust and he lived in Los Angeles he mostly traveled he traveled many months out of the year uh fundraising um and the story is that he wanted permission to come to Crown Heights to Brooklyn to be by the laich for the entire High holiday season meaning from roses through Yim Kipper and then suus s the entire season but he had a he had his uh he was appointed to a had his uh his position so which was in LA so um the Reb's Chief secretary kov told RAB raichik listen I'll tell you what you should do oh oh the rabbi told him he could come for half you can come for half of the high holidays one of the other meaning rash and Yim Kipper or but not all of it so ROV told RAB raichik here's what I would do come for Kipper and then once you're here maybe you'll look out and the de will tell you to stay on okay so that's what he did but it didn't work out that way and after Yim Kipper I think that basically um made it very clear that you know he expected him R reichek to be back in La so he ends up back in LA and it's the night of sheris and he was daving in the only SCH that was uh that was there at the time um and it was not a kabad sh and they did not have the custom of hakus on the night of sheris so he was trying to get people to dance with him and they were all like n we got to go home we got to go make kides we don't have time for this and and he's begging everybody please dance with me and everyone's saying no finally this one guy says d right chick um I'm married for I don't know how many years my wife and I don't have children I know you're a holy Jew right CH was a very holy Jew um he said uh if you give me a blessing that will have a child then I will dance with you I'll give you your hakus for so RAB raichik said Don I give you a you know he made him say it out the whole thing of Y you should have a child and and they danced they did their hofus so that year this man's wife has a baby and um the story got out the guy himself must have been the one who told the story cuz he and Robie raichi were the only two people who knew rabie rauk for sure was not I mean should explain to people rer rauk is extremely humble and extremely guarded as far as um not allowing any honor to be bestowed upon him to the extent where when he would go to public functions he would hide in the back and I believe it was the previous laba who gave him the instructions that you must sit on the de because when you go to these events you represent me so it's not like you want to go hide in the back but this is not about you you have to go sit at the front but his nature was to be extremely lowkey like to the point of anonymity so he wasn't sharing this story um but the guy it happened to was telling people and uh the story got around so there was a guy who I guess felt more comfortable with Rabbi raichi like approaching him in this way and um this particular guy had I think he had been a Sid and he became I don't know if you would say became kabad but he took on many kabad Customs because of rabi raichik so this particular guy comes Rabbi raichi and says to him like I know what you did you gave this guy uh a Bara you gave him a blessing so he says no I didn't he says I know the story I know what happened he says that wasn't my blessing that was the laab Cha's blessing is a he gives blessings he says how how do how do you say that that's the Reb's blessing that the rebba wasn't here you were here he said look the Reb told me to go back to LA for so that e is the one who sent me here now do you think that EBA would send me here to not have hakus obviously if the Reb is sending me to La forus it's to come here and to do sh the way it needs to be done which is with hofus so along with that comes a blank check for whatever it is that I need in order to get that done so this guy's asking me for a black ing no problem I it must be that the Deb's already given me quote unquote the spiritual funds to be able to to to deliver such a blessing so that's how he explained it that it wasn't his Blessing it was laab who um had had given that blessing but so that's the story that's the whole story The and the epilogue of the story but I thought about that story for a long time and what really moved me after I mean it took me years sometimes takes me years to really process something properly when I finally when it finally clicked with me when I finally realized this lesson of the story it really it it it moved me and and probably precisely because it's not in line with my nature meaning it's a lesson that I wouldn't normally grab gravitate toward why was Rabbi raichik so sure that this blessing came from the rebba because the the rebba had told him to go to shus and shus can't mean without H offers okay no problem so Dance by yourself who's stopping you from dancing by yourself the fact that to Rabbi raichi it was so clear that by definition hakas anus entails dancing at least with one other person and and interestingly enough that once he had that one other person okay then then then we're good we're set that's what blew me away that there has to be a connection to other it could be one person doesn't have to be a group of people but there has to be other can't just be by myself so maybe that's um applicable here that maybe you can look for one other person at least one other person to connect with on schis night even if you're not in a place where they normally do hook office and especially if you are in a place where they do do hu office then it would be a a special opportunity to connect with somebody okay I think I should wrap it up taught us anything yeah yeah and if this year taught us anything it's the power of unity the power of community uh the power of coming together and we should always have the opportunity to come together over joyous occasions only joyous occasions amen amen thank you so much Rabbi Cal my pleasure thank you thank you so much okay I'm going to wrap it up over here thank you everyone for joining us uh there were other people who were ready to call in but it's super late now so maybe we'll do this again another time thank you to everybody so much