Rabbi Yaakov Bender on "Let's get real with Coach Menachem" Show

okay everybody welcome tonight to the program tonight is our hashem our 27th shearer vendor and we're very excited tonight again i want to thank everybody for coming every week we come every sunday night at 10 o'clock and everybody that comes on people have been texting it around and what's up and letting people know about it we really appreciate it obviously the more people know about it the more physic we can give to you know cloudy stroll and help people in in this type of video again i first want to thank all the spot all the advertising sponsors that you know that sponsor our program you know for the advertising part we have every week here the lakewood scoop always pushes our program here for the lakewood island i want to thank hazak rabbi yanif always helping us and be supportive and i'd like to thank uh co live mrs mika sopher for always promoting us and a special thank you to kyla kaufman and shmuel summer from jcn the jewish content network for always promoting us across all the digital platforms uh next sunday we're gonna have also an amazing program we're having robert c gluck he's the founder of amudim which is uh it's gonna be a very mature topic we're gonna be talking about a lot of uh things that you know that that are happening now uh with a little addictions and um every it should be in a really amazing program whether you're going through some of these issues or not it's still knowledge is power and that he's an amazing person i got to know him and uh i really i'm really really encouraging everybody to please come and it's gonna be something special let's start off with our host coach monacom opening words thank you very much thank you robbie bender i want to welcome everyone to show number 27 for hashem welcome everyone to let's get real with coach menachem and i hope everyone is okay wherever you are with health after last week's show i hope you're carrying around the mask with you so you can respect and protect when you go out in public tonight we have without the privilege to have robbie bender the truth is i personally feel privileged ravi bend is a person who doesn't have an extra minute mamish no time and he we couldn't even talk to him before the show maybe gave us a 60 seconds and we're going to have him tonight tonight is is uh your time to ask the questions so thank you very much for giving us giving up from your precious time for our kosher audience so tonight topic is about and i'm sure you know so we called it only two emotions matter and finna and everybody got to think of what exactly what that means but when you're talking about emotions it's something that comes into here a lot and especially parents are more emotionally involved and that's why it's good to hear from the russian moisture from the manal to see how much should the parents do how much up to the most it when you talk about gina there are two types of people one type is they think how can i how can i be mahan of my child what can we do better and then there are people when they hear the the ideas that we discuss and how the right way of henna they start thinking was i'm that way they start thinking did my parents give me that did i get it from my parents so before we start talking about i think it's very important to understand that wherever you are now exactly where you are is the place where you need to be with all the experiences and whatever you got and now as an adult we're being mechanical our kids but not to look back as oh i didn't get this enough if i would have been in a different setting because we know we're exactly where we're supposed to be and our kids are exactly where they're supposed to be with these parents with which at whichever home they're being brought up so hopefully tonight in hashem we will get some clarity and you'll be able to ask your questions and we're able to hear from rabbi bender which has years and years of experience and i think from the all spectrums from ala zaitan kanai nahara so thank you very much for being with us and hopefully we'll be uh big seattle thank you coach monaco for opening up again uh tonight's show i'm going to learn we're going to do english my father-in-law and everybody's coming on the hundreds of people remember bender will be here tonight the physically going to give and the advice should be a suppose for him and match him this will be recorded and we'll send out the video and the thousands of people that watch it should be unless in shama again i just want to give a little background before we start that bender obviously is you know very very well known and you know really helping for younger kids we had a few programs with difficult teenagers we have we had a program with ruby elephant with with mo bakrim and the musifta in in basement stroll we had like in those types of programs we got a tremendous amount of requests you know raising younger children in elementary high school and we had i don't know how many emails did we get non-stop emails we kept on updating some of the questions we kept on getting more and more but there's tremendous amount of questions wherever bender's time is limited so everybody here we wanted to be interactive everybody's going gonna open up for 10 15 minutes let's start off but let's i want rabbit bender once and i want people to ask live questions and we have a tremendous amount that we can keep everybody up to three o'clock in the morning so uh that's just what with my pre questions so uh rabbit bender the floor is yours okay thank you very much first of all don't believe any of everything you just heard that's a lot of pr it's my thoughts garnish your blessings anyways um i wanted to say i want to eat only myself yourself my father tonight my father is 55 years ago i was a young bucker and my father was nifty suddenly have a heart attack that maybe shaped a lot of my own feelings about you simon these maybe because of that i'm trying to work with them a little bit could be kenzan i'm not sure myself whether i went through my own coopus i went through very hot coupe i'm learning philadelphia yeshiva and um and suddenly rachel kaminski wakes me up in the morning 55 years ago today at 7 6 30 in the morning he wakes me up you got to go to new york your father is sick and him and her values are inside of her my father and he accompanied me to new york to my father's lavaliere they didn't tell me they told me he was sick so i watched film that day but et cetera et cetera et cetera so it brings back memories but my father was a volkswagen he's way ahead of his times in other words the things we said before why was the philippine days that's that's it's not even to talk about today is wonderful i believe that you know why i wasn't like that today's i got beat up we got he got beaten up blue rubber side um i was rather not a bad kid and they beat up that much but there was one rabbit shoe that i learned in that everybody to line up the first day and they had to put the hand down on the desk and the rebbe had a big gazeta ruler and he gave everybody a zest with a ruler and he told everybody if you don't behave it will be a lot worse than this this was the bar hop of the rebbe to the cliffs imagine imagine today you have bands of music playing today you have a representative candies and toys and prizes and culture in those days a lot of them were holocaust survivors you can't blame them never as i mentioned a lot of them the shalom island became a rebbe today becoming being a rebbe is is a big thing people vie for jobs for every job that opens up and you shoot with there's 10 people applying so you're getting the best of the best but you as the parent have to advocate for your child you have to what they still when i became a now i was 30 years old of the daca terrorists very tiny shoes that was really falling down 100 kids and they were trying to learn here there's nothing now and it didn't work out so well but it was difficult difficult difficult and i went around from pesach until the summer i visited 20 yeshiva's good idea is what it's like to be on hollow because i had been a rebbe only that one year before i became a manal in the middle of the year for the coming year so i didn't really have experience i went seeing well the one thing i heard from all the men album was parents they're crazy parents are crazy i can tell you now 40 years later parents are very normal they're very healthy the difference is they're talking about their child and they know what's wrong with their child and they're coming to tell the rebbe and the rebbe is not talking about their child whoever is talking about all the kids in this class the rabbi is right he has 25 kids in this class he can't make 25 individual sets of rules for 25 kids but the parent is right i want my kid to do better nothing wrong with that you have to advocate for your child so i think most height haulers today principal's doors are open and you can talk to them and get the hold of the rabbit you can talk through anything else your baby want to help today so i think that's one thing there's nothing wrong with everybody understanding you are allowed and you should advocate for your child he's your child or your daughter i'm talking when i talk about boys it's because that's my business but of course it goes to girls also you have to advocate for each other nothing wrong with it i think that's fine i think kind of today i don't think a nice story about my father because i can't imagine in those days i just told you i would say a story you know from today would do that i called it a shiva call on the phone to somebody who lives in my neighborhood he's a difficult person you stick on muscle he snitches he's uh he gets people in trouble if they build a little extension on the house not getting a pyramid dealing with any trouble i decided you know let me try to break the ice with him and he hates he hates the people in our community rather i live in a very beautiful community of a black russian shiva upon him people are really really wonderful and this fellow made troubles like he was sitting shipping for his father he said he shared with toronto so i called him up on the phone and he said and i said to him he was like shacked i was calling him like this because those people didn't talk to him you know i'll tell you something my brother's sitting next to me and he was intolerant of your father and there was so i said wonderful you want to speak to you want to tell your story he told me a story that's still forever when you do a good sacrifice i have to have i did a good zak i called this person he could have screamed at me yelled at me because everybody's harassed him because you could call me names i'm gonna be a name to be called but anyways you know what i came away with a story i understood my father much better there was a kid this was the time this was the 1950s he says he was from a citizen background but every parents only wanted to go to college weren't using anything else but they went back to the rapper so this kid he says to me on the phone i turned bar mitzvah and i want my father once and i should go to the scavenger hunt my mum see the list the free thinkers wherever but i'm filmed over there but there's fair web as a rule the rule is you have to take a bold haircut only to pay us and that's it let's get out of tropical looking which you cost it like all of us have in those days you see the pictures of sheamus in europe come on they got an added big chip color and his father says we're to shave it all off i said no and he said yes you know what i said no he said yes and no one yes known yes and at the end you know what happened my father won he took me by force he shaved off my whole head i went to this very red he says to me that at that point today's fine today he says i careless but i was so angry i came to shiva and the kids will see me and they go hi baldi baldi i i came with a baseball hat put on my head cover up stay like this and i started crying and you know kids could be very mean things that way things don't change kids can be very mean and they all make in front of me in front of me and they're making fun of me i'm crying in the corner by the door and your father walks in the doorway and those days they were afraid of them now they went scanning they ran away my father's he says my father your father saw me he says ah are you saying come into my office he's climbing to his office he's crying cool down stop crying i'll tell you a story don't taste it he said he took you out to his side of the desk and he put me right here next to me i might could go on the other side of the desk in those days impossible put me right here and he turns to he turns to me and says to me i know what happens i am you have to go to the rabbit yeah take a haircut right yeah look at me i'm bald this is my father took his yarmulke like this he went like this he says look at me look at me what do you see see this time says he started kicking you lift him i see right bender that god say it right behind the sentence say it you're bold so are you there's one big difference he told him mine is never growing back yours is growing back changed my life my life changed at that point i said oh i'm walking out there i'm gonna tell those boys where they can get off et cetera et cetera et cetera end of the story frantic and isaac but babe today i like that babe do today we had covered now she was close for three months we're closed it was impact rallies came to the houses delivering sheets and delivering booklets for shabbos today's rebate were wonderful doesn't mean you can't talk to them you can certainly talk to them three are really really wonderful people and so are you as parents it's hard the the sad part is it is the most difficult coofer to raise children since i'm in the business i can tell you that technology has destroyed learning to a large degree we're on technology right now you think i'm talking about technology around technology zoom i think was very helpful i don't know until my flight is last year yeah now i'll tell you that some people just change their minds now um i don't understand what was wrong with you but i'm not going to know what they're at right now when i said save the learning we were really learning to shoot us from after pace after the summer it went very well but technology where a kid can go on and do whatever he wants this is one area you can't compromise with your kids you have to find an acer how to get around the situation with your kid you really cannot compromise with your children like that but overall you're a wonderful rebate that's my actual now you can talk you can scream and yell whatever you want to say tonight have a problem but you have to go into the essence that most i would say 80 to 90 percent of rebellion and teachers and mothers are wonderful work with them even if it means coming up there and telling them everybody make mistakes they can make a mistake or maybe they'll give a patch sometimes it's not a crime okay you people want to get ready arrested today if you hit somebody hey come back to my my my days in yeshiva i have a cousin did not learn the that i learned in whose brothers are all very close to the family there's 345 people on here right now just looked at the bottom i'm telling you 300 of you know the name of his family one of them you don't know because he went to certain yeshiva and his words to me isn't him in his office very wealthy man one after there of course he says my rabbi in the fourth grade bugged me i came home and i told my parents i'm not going back to yeshiva in those days he didn't go back to school late 1940s he was much older than me he says late 1940s and he says he didn't go back to school they arrested you as a truant he wasn't allowed to be today they rest three quarters of the world but they arrested him with the truth so he went to public school and he married shakespeare's second marriage so it's that was bad in those days today remy can make a mistake it's not the end of the worlds but the remains are wonderful so advocate for them remain will work with you they're wonderful pay them well to rebate pay them well we don't pay them enough that's the problem we pay them enough so they can just not too much customer jobs they're going to be able to take all the government programs that's our goal in the yeshiva world today to pay them not too much consumption pay them pay them so they can apply for the food stamps and for and to uh whatever is medicaid then automatic medic come on pay them 150 000 a year you won't have to get online and lie about his income come on let him come on stay here okay i'm off rabashu takes over yes okay that was unbelievable that was a great opening um the island was the ones that attacked you so we're gonna do it slow okay can you handle it tonight i could try okay let's start a football i'll give you a two minute break you want to take a break no i'm all right okay we're going to ask them questions and i want everybody to answer it it's it's it's um anonymous so let's let's get into it first question how is your relationship currently with your child four four choices very very good slash close moody relationship has ups and downs choice number three mostly negative or choice number four i have no relationship with my child that's the first question second child do you have enough questions that you have been wanting to ask but haven't yes no or see i'm not sure so two questions everybody please vote anonymously anonymously nobody knows the answers nobody could see it right ben you could see the answers now nobody else can see until i share it so i'm just letting you know it's very interesting to see yeah very good okay let's go buddy how close is your relationship with your child so wait for five seconds five four three [Music] two fifty percent okay here we go okay so the number one answer ever bender is most people only 55 people on tonight's shear feel their relationship with the child is very good and they're very close to them 37 of people feel their their relationship with the child is moody up and down a very small percentage four percent of three percent mostly negative in our relationship so you have a very uh it seems like a very positive crowd over here tonight second question this is why you're here yeah i wouldn't call positive at 37 i'm moody with the kids it's 55 percent of doing what's normal 37 and the four of the three need help okay okay and the second question which is this is why you're here tonight do you have a kind of question that you've been wanting to ask but haven't 48 of people here have a kind of question they have they have that they want to ask but they haven't asked that's the reason why we asked the question ravi bend is here so all those people that answered that now's the time to ask it 26 percent of people say no they came in just to say hello to us and the 26 are just not sure they're just confused so just interesting to see okay we have a bunch of questions i'll start with that again anybody wants to ask a live question they go first so please text me usher barnes on the chat and we'll put it through driving bender that's live read the once live questions and we'll start off with some some with some questions that we got already ready bender let's go first question there's a boy there's one boy in my in my my son's class that his parents get him all the gadgets that he wants he's very up-to-date clothing he's a snazzy sticky kid he pulls down the whole rookiness of the class what is the right approach to deal with this with my kid i think you have to worry about your kid but at the other end i don't know i can tell you here i don't know if any one single kid because he wears stands he closed he brings down the rookie stickers maybe in your head he does i don't believe that he does i believe that the kids know what's right or wrong let's pick a fourth grader today we'll pick you three younger kids today fourth grader you think that 25 kids in the classroom one kid by being getting everything he gets brings down the clears if he curses if he uses neville pair if he brings him pictures that are nice he puts a kid on an internet that he shouldn't be on that's ruining the class the kid comes in dressed the kids are the other 24 kids are dressing appropriately why should you worry about it sometimes we get jealous so we use other shyness this kid has all the money in the world and the kid comes home and says it's not fear why does that kid have and i don't have that's another you know together that's a jealousy union that a kid can have but i don't for a second believe if there's 25 kids in the class even two children every class is going to have one of two kids that don't act appropriately you have to hope that your biggest problem is that they dress too fancy or they get too many toys that's you hope is the biggest problem like i said before there are much bigger problems so let's get forever if your kid says why should he have it you you tell your child because that's what their parents decided to do we don't believe in that there we have our and if you give your child all the love in the world rabbi said i don't really sound like cliche-ish but there's nothing wrong with spoiling kids a little bit take your kid and give him attention and make your kids feel that he loves you 55 is not enough of an answer to the question we asked before what's your relationship with your child it should be excellent all around it means by the way it doesn't remind each question but don't even think for a minute that you can't give one kid more attention than the others your own siblings the siblings will understand don't worry about it 24 kids and one kid stop worrying about it not your problem unless you're jealous how about the rebbie's point of view if the rebbe is in the class having a hard time because one boy brings in different topics or clothing or time clothing is not an issue that was the answer to the issue if he brings in stuff in the class that brings declares down to keep kids staying the class robert lifesteinmus diamond once told me not to throw any kid from yeshiva right because i asked the one but what if this is my priya here's other kids that's after gansu yeshiva yeah the kindest of my friend this is what ronald laid me into me but on the other hand you don't have to keep in the classroom if the kid is bringing in stuff can't be there he goes out of the cliffs there's no way allowed to keep a child in the class if he brings them things that bring other children down but when i was to work with it he calls in the parents keeps them out of the class whatever you do whatever eats school has their own different disciplines right but it's the hardest problem is disciplining it's very very difficult but if a kid breaks down others he can't be in the classroom sorry how about conversations if one kid brings up the elections or baseball oh come on elections alive they talk about lakeshore i talked about baseball you know we're talking about worse things i'm not encouraging getting a baseball fan by the way it's the biggest problem today by some people's minds i get close i'm not trying to from lakewood you know i divided my clothes at night i come on 10 11 o'clock lake very very late it's not a problem anyways people are worrying shreklis about the problem that kids are becoming sports fans this is the biggest problem today if your kid is already sports fan you can't stop him he's he's brought in somehow and i've loved his other kids because maybe because you were a sports fit there are plenty of fathers out there that still just take a peek to know this course and kids pick up on it you show that plenty kids like that that do that but they're all the buckham that are doing that for sure and they pick up on it you make time limits on the kid he's sneaking they're listening to ball games right half hour two nights a week or something don't fight him completely because once a kid is a sports fan you're not changing a 10 year old overnight you're not going to it's just not gonna work can you stop a kid from being a sportsman you could try okay when he's third grade when it starts fourth grade you gotta you can try very very hard you have to know why it's happening i'm only you're the guilty one yeah the parent is the guilty one i can't say why is it that but once he's a fair he's a fan already but then you find the book that's the best thing uh coach blackhawk you should know that if a kid goes ahead and conversations are about that you had a problem that's you can't keep that's why you choose yeshivas for your kids uh because you don't want your kid being in a place where he's exposed to stuff that's schmutzing that's your problem but hala vader took about the elections you know how many kids who didn't know the trump was running against the body who didn't know well come on who are we kidding they all know back because we were talking about it and in the back of the shoe ben gabriel carpe we were talking about it so we took about there to talk about it but it took about elections but parents shouldn't panic parents shouldn't panic we were kids so they're chasing on soul ambulances right another thing that's all there's a big talk no hashem that's always a big problem you don't want your kids to become mad solomon daft you should be dreaming of the old man and i was giving up you want to be a fireman or a policeman yeah that's all i meant normals kids are normal did i only get very learning brother you are taller man right right years ago you know yes it helped start it for raqqa and flatbush but you know i don't know if i started it and moved on but it's a wonderful i'm not taking realization it's halfway with fella but people complain that kids chasing outsole all day long knew what he wanted to chase girls apart from me he's not chasing girls behind naked mouths they're only chasing that solo ambulance remember that's what i want to cut short because a lot of people are texting i literally got like 32 questions 35 questions in the last minute so again anybody wants to ask a lot of questions before you write the question right you want to ask it live so we can go first because there's so many questions coming in you brought up the topic i'm going to go into it a little bit rabbit bender um somebody wrote it but you can answer you want to do you oh after all years experience being can you tell the parents the difference of a kid being raised in a house where there's no tv no video games no outside distractions versus a kid that's raised with all these things of course of course absolutely yes absolutely yes um tvs today are not an issue i think in most places because you have a computer to get over the tv computer so people say i don't have a television maybe you don't need a television you have a computer today but if you let your kids be exposed to anything on computers you got a problem i said before technology is destroying us when i was a kid everybody had tvs i grew up in williamsburg and we had tvs right that's what it was waynesburg studies williamsburg difference it was after the war whole different world and tv you know cat tvs those are tvs the only way to get around it is strict time limits my father's accredited allowed all of us to watch tv one hour a week and he was a very clunker mention my father because he knew if he wouldn't if he knew if he wouldn't we're going to find our own way to get on the television and we would have i'm afraid to tell you which today's receivers watched baseball together with me i'm afraid to say their names their big names today all over but we limits we got an hour a week and my father was very smart all of my fondest friends of mira islam from shanghai they all allowed us for an hour a week an hour and every week and i did that to my kids when they were young very young because they that time for raqqa was different for rockaway today was not a big issue don't you you're raising your kidney area like that you're raising them don't get crazier by saying vanish for sugar because this question is about exposed but this question is about a boy 11 year old who needs me one more thing i want to add and it's a lot of questions one more thing my children were young i want to say this clue they were not allowed to go to certain homes on sundays whatever because the kids know why we didn't tell them why there was tvs all over the place today it's computers i don't tell my children don't let your children go to houses will have unfiltered or access to computers you have the right to tell it to your kid i'm the guy who's a nice guy right i'm telling you tell your kid you can't go to that house because they have things we can't let you have good coachmen i'm sorry eleven-year-old that needs motivation to learn and not really interested and now it's a crucial time because he needs to go to mesifta how do we structure the transition to mrsa and how do we motivate a boy that's not interested you got it the only way you can really motivate the 11 year old is still far away from his 11 year old sixth grader okay 12 year old seventh grader 13 year old eighth grader finishing nine finishing eighth will be fourteen that's the today's pretty much the kitsa the only way to come up is make it enjoyable for him you can't do it in the way that you're making it tough on it contest things are such don't force your kid to learn with you because i would say close to 80 of kids can't stand learning with their fathers because their father's trying to make them what they want and they know that the kids you can't do that don't make them learn get an outsider to learn get a big brother with him get an outsider take him to you steeple miami or my casual steeple in my neighborhood the whole world is coming to learn there the kids are coming at night to learn this sixth graders seventh graders eighth graders they're stiff to learn their own becomes already why they're coming here because there's candy it is this junk over there what parents don't give to their kids you got to make it exciting for a kid to want to learn if the kid enjoys learning on his own there's 20 30 percent like that who enjoy learning on their own it's abrahamic but the other ones just eat a little bit exciting to make it very exciting for them we gotta make it exciting ideas once a week maybe we should you know take them out fathers should connect with the kids reward their kids take them out to eat once in a while you gotta use them hazard the right way if father takes out his kid pete next week there's another kid out there as one's working riding down the street on central avenue an hour a neighborhood representative was working representative yeager uh that thought he's like was walking one of her girls the dark area on the way towards cedar that's where the shopping is i stopped my car said robertson i feel bad you're walking over here she says no no no she called me the next day she says i apologize and answer the whole answer once a week once a week i take one of my kids out she said to me it's a wonderful thing so find ways of making it to schmack a kid should know if i learned well my father would take cancer away something like that nature how to make it enjoyable don't fight your kids during the cover there was the guy i don't know if you're familiar that i used to have that thing at night i'm zoom with the background like nightside america had like almost two thousand boys learning there you saw that terrific i spoke to them once yeah yeah you made it 1500 kids very entertaining i watched the ones i was very blown away they made it you made it to schmack that is it for kids grandma says give them sugar everybody knows that the rabbit was about to hit a kid alive he says give him sugar give him candies give him chunk their mother's day because cuckoo some of them they go crazy about sodium i can't be slow down relax the kids will not become diabetic don't worry about it and do are kids who have juvenile diabetes kids will not become diabetic relaxed but their mothers go crazy with the rabbits thinking about a lot of kidneys relax relax nothing will happen and i don't really believe that i don't believe that those who eat sugar get cavities that's not for them i think if you have genetically bare teeth the good news nothing to do with candy but okay let's go back to okay okay this is a controversial question but we're getting quite a few letters like this i'm going to ask it in the roundabouts more closely we always raise our kids i mean we try to raise our kids always to do the right thing always listen to what's right what's wrong right very well ms the convention now with everything that's been going on and i'm not talking about your specific issue but the general moistness with the covert opening not opening yeah under the table what what did we feel the question is that the right way to teach our kids that at certain times we don't listen or round about types of ways which is like sort of showing them that we don't have to be very a very very good question we all as hell has all had this problem this year and generally speaking should have a lie lying is the worst thing lying kids will learn how to lie you learn how to cheat and steal so lying is a very big kind of thing because but this year we had a problem so you have to find the later to explain to your kids that we believe maybe the government is doing things that are really not so helpful to us and therefore we're doing things um is it a good idea to hang up signs and what is we're learning with with the dreidels yeah but you can't i think the comparison is a fair comparison like people said that today uh there's mom there's no different than schmad we had a governor that has difficult rules governor cuomo right do you think schmidt's idea is certainly not i don't believe it for a second it's an irish kind you can't compare it to but for us it is if the kids stop learning rabbi say there are kids now that are off to derrick i spoke to all kills for a long time about this you know they're like that because they want the streets for too long so for us kids have to hear we have to find every way of getting our kids back at the yeshivas because if not they're kids kids in korea i made now a new curriculum that yeshiva i told them the younger divisions you must spend 15 20 minutes every day on korea in grades one two and three because kids forget how to read and that's a problem so the kids should know we felt that we had to do something to get you back the achievement even though it doesn't sound so kosher kids can understand that but um that's a decision that has to be made there's a major conversation where david feinstein's side of the coast of rock there's a major conversation of the rasheedas of terra masara and it's supposed to be on that conversation and it was beijing is amongst the russian shiva some said don't close the achievements no matter what the elements for example the one he screamed after closing she was and and he and it was a very tough conversation at one point the head of terrorism double feinstein he asked the question he says to do you think what are you hold what is your opinion on this he said unfortunately i can't give an opinion he was so excited he wasn't sure and he wouldn't say the opinion i'm pretty sure that was the governor of david but we had these childs russia she was on phones together we were working on these shout outs very long time what do we do here do we close we're not close it's not easy the kids could know that kids could notice a deal the deal is yeah no no yeah it's not so punchy next question is from a principal uh you know he he he knows that he's a teacher that has a personality clash with the talmud and it's not going down the right direction the teacher is aware of the problem but doesn't is having a hard time how do we navigate the rebbe with this talmud yeah so one thing i say is that is that you know it's a tough question the meniality is speaking to me he's right by us and shiva the rule is if it doesn't go we have eight parallel classes for a little so we move the kid around we take the kid out is it easy yeah why not why not yeah his friends it's pastors no no kids don't mind the kids are so big they want to get out of the ruby they hate and kid is not getting along with the rabbit we're the teachers they move them we don't move them from one for both and that's where the fights are mothers will say i only want to move the morning lady this is not grand central station you can't take a train this train in the morning just training yesterday if you're moving you're moving but we find that works but if not i used to go overbear when i was in manila much higher position today after bad bother with that anymore i'm laughing so um so now now i'm gonna glorify fundraiser but anyways so so when i used to tell the rebbe the seventh grade especially that's the eighth the kids get cuckoo in the seventh grade money puberty whatever happens in that eighth a little bit crazy rebbe hates me remy's picking on me i tell the kids he's done i go to ruby i say kit rebbie and the kid says you're picking on him [Music] slow down i said the kid thinks you're picking on him all you gotta do is take your right hand stretch out do something nice the kid should say but i don't know slow down what would he tell was your son you would tell him tell the rabbit you just reach out to the kid i think you have to try to stop the majority so the principle that asks that question is if the rebbe or the teacher evidence would reach out to the child the problem will disappear most of the time really but some rebellion are so and teachers are so entrenched they can't budge if this kid said that's a bigger thing to me and you never said things to your father to your mother come on i'll give you i could write a book i want to use when i was close when i was a kid right i wasn't a bad kid i still write a book on it because we did that so tell the ready and tell the teacher principal reach out reach out to the child give him an arm around the shoulder take him out for a walk do something with him that maybe you'll see this giveaway so that's the two things if you move kids around move them if you have to at the end if you have a choice the other thing is tell the reverend the teacher to try to edit your fights don't expect the kid to change kids are not going to change your revenue ready for a live question why not all right let's do it hello you're on yes hi rabbi bender first of all thank you very much for giving of your time tonight i have always respected your opinion so i agree with you my son's rebbe is fantastic my sons rebellion are across the board really very very good my problem is with english english and my son's school is an absolute disaster um you know in in our city it's quite famously known as the zoo which it really is now with corona my son is seventh grade um so in seventh grade they did have one very good english teacher but he's not coming to school because he's afraid of catching corona and they've replaced it him with somebody who i would mildly say is emotionally unhealthy so it's really a disaster and a lot of parents have been calling myself or my husband to let us know that our son is being harassed and picked on by the teacher and this goes on day after day we've called the menal there's about four different menalim to contact we've contacted all of them we're at the point where my son comes home every day so frustrated and in pain from what he's experiencing and um the whole class you know listening to how the teacher talks to them and they're not really learning it's really just very sad so my question to you is what am i allowed to do in order to protect my kid at this point i really feel and i see that the han holla they're not firing the teacher they're not going in there and and correcting the situation what am i allowed to do in order to protect my child okay so first of all i obviously can't solve the world's problems he's not trying this problem one i can't solve i can't do it no there's nothing i could do about it but um i would tell you that rather than i would take my kid home for the rest of the year and of english you can't lead a kid in a massive of charis and wildness we think she's being picked on you can't leave them there the whole year hi maybe you're not home maybe you're working you're teaching us most yiddish families today no no so i i did try to do that and the han hollow was furious um one parent actually dismissed her son every day and then hala came down very hard and said if you take your kid out you take your kid out of our school like always being terribly unfair they're wrong all the they're taking it personally i'm sorry he is well well there's a relationship here between the english principle and the main principle it is a problem my husband would like to go my husband would like to go to the school and just say to the english teacher i hear you're harassing my child and if you continue to do this you will have to have face dire consequences with me um and i feel like then my husband's bullying the bully but my husband says there's not many options right now that absolutely not good i mean the option of going in and bullying the bully is not a good idea um but i can't answer the issue i i'm disappointed not hollow and all of those that's going on they should not force the kid to be in school then i half the school might stay home it's too bad but uh you can't let a kid be suffer like the consequences you just said the words you used was that the teacher is emotionally that's not stable whatever the word was correct yeah that's herself is that what you said yes yeah that's what she said she's muted okay you know come on come on you know you can't get you can't keep your kid in a kid class like that it's not fair no i can't i can't i feel that i can help you move to for rockaway i know we're we're a bummy neighborhood and we we try to help kids like that you know we're bare people we have a solid english department by the way um my i have a hybrid zevi frank he's the manila of of of alma sifter you see he didn't message my zebra train sent his kids to a certain sheet when he was growing up we lived together in brooklyn um and um the was so bad in secular studies he took them out of secular studies every day and he hired a teacher for his kids and his kids are the most nicest kids in the world today he didn't want his kids to learn hootsburgh now the problem you have you know i feel bad for you and muted now i feel better if you want yes okay your handheld is not letting you uh yeah how do you do it they're being they they're being childish what can i tell you tell us the secrets in darfie that you have such a good programming english program i don't know other schools the secret we pay a lot of money for teachers we pay teachers well oh or come out every teacher is from a few of them are not um come out every single teacher is from yeah talk about if you have eight teachers per level it's huge it's a factory you know what i mean so um you pay a lot of money for a teacher if you pay nothing you will get nothing remember that also we go with women teachers through fifth grade somebody said yesterday how far no women teachers he said i'd go but they haven't till sixth grade if i'd have to because i couldn't find teachers so we pay them very very well if you pay a teacher thirty five thousand dollars for two and eight hours of work you get a good teacher you pay a teacher fourteen thousand dollars you're not gonna have a good teacher you're gonna get emotionally unstable people and that's the problem you have you have to pay them well i don't think we have a greatest problem better than anybody else but the local we haven't in secular studies we had a meeting last week in high school a boy in the 10th grade opened his mouth to a teacher he was suspended the next day for the buddha kurdish also i had one's appearance they are from a parent that came to give all the good times to me on that it says my kid was literally through his teacher he started speaking about zionism the teacher was thinking about zionism so he opened the mouth to a teacher because i teach that zionism is bad i said thank you very much you're teaching him the footstool is good so you have a problem but he was very angry that we suspended him in the morning also it's wrong you're not gonna have a good department if you don't suspend him you have to do something though you said that storytelling if somebody told me that rapper kaminsky uh expelled the boyfriend because he was hustling in english you know he was an rebellious very cancelled i believe i don't say i was i don't know 100 for sure cancelled the summer vacation for an entire class because it was cheating on the final one year they had to all come back during beta's modern month of of and learn secular studies rebellion and really straight certainly was air lefied remember we have a lot of questions coming in a lot of different topics can we try to cover some more you ready whatever you want here no problem okay this is this is going down the interesting stuff over here obviously raising parents is raising healthy kids is by you know we had this revenue let's say we need 18 16 more people to get 500 people they'll be very nice that's young the nice young people okay very good um so uh i'm just gonna uh you know move on for rabbit elephant the the crux of rabbit ellison cheer for healthy children was always having a stable home having a loving home that's his big thing he's right basically this big thing is a stable home stay below him so the question that we're going to have to a lot of people ask me this question after this year what do you do when you're in a situation like repenter there's no father in the picture there's no mother in the picture there's a divorce there's an unstable parent what could the parent that is stable that's there a single mother trying to raise their kids uh alman aman are trying to raise their kids but they don't have like everybody else has and they're missing they don't have a person to learn others about them they don't they're missing the structure what's the best thing they can do from all year's experience to help such people to me this is a foreign question and i'm not trying to be show off the but it's a foreign question because we have the system set up every child that comes from a home like that has someone taking them to dampening on shabbos automatic and everything's dabbling i was the bottom up i have a certain amount of shiva that's his job one of his jobs is to work with all the assignment all the single parents right let's say they go every other week to the father the other week they're with the mother might say shabbos every week come out of all of our obama do that they pick up kids with a shout outs meet themselves at the bottom and and um that's automatic that's to me the question is that you got to set up a system in your school and you gotta go leave me now and tell them let's set it up a a yes shouldn't have something love support with darling i walked a kid i'm the chief hunch of shibadaki tire right i sit in the corner kaidish and i picked up a kid for about five six years every single week for darling and took him with me to darling every single week before i came this is before i became secretary of their own minion and wherever i definitely did that and now i know me would pick up kids you son why not so you got to set up a system that should never be with a woman that's a single parent should never ever be in a monster like that so what can i do to help them out set it up they're a lot of most people are good most people are good nature they'll gladly help you need to have someone to organize it make phone calls to people what are you talking about it's easy thing to do it's easy easy organizations we have today somehow and links for you slammers and and to the boys at the same system over there it's unbelievable today and sister the sister for the the four seas you know this to do today there's eight to do today come on so now it's a general question how do you instill in your children a personal connection with learning and and not not like everybody is learning so you have to do it this is what we're doing in class and you have to you have to sell too similar similar questions you asked earlier how do you motivate a kid you're asking right why is this different culturally why is this different the other question i guess maybe it's more of a rabby's point of view the kid in the class is tuned out he's not a good rebbe a good rebbe's and those today are the tune in the kids he really they're all gonna kids who are schmack we're problematic they're our kids i'm not saying but i would say ninety percent of the kids a good rabbit could take care of and really if the kid feels like a failure in the class yeah that that's a very shiloh where the kid is a schwa cup and he gets a lousy mock every week on his test i return every single test from grade 6 through 11 right i return every test paper how do i do that it's a massive job i go around for two days about four hours on it it's gonna be paper i managed to give a very nice couple of the kid i know that's working very hard first i get to know the kids that way i know the children awake because i'm returning all the test papers right it's like it's something i gotta work very fast but i throw it a good word the rebbe has to raise the mark of that kid what's the shadow with that you can't let a kid get a 43 on a test if the kid doesn't work the kid doesn't work and puts in no effort i know there are many schools now they're putting on report cards effort for each mark not only effort at the bottom of the overall shikida a lot of schools are doing that today because you wonder if the kid is gaining effort give it to him and raise his mock you gotta raise his mark what's the shout out if the tests were not made no kid ever walked away when he gave birth in a break 60 years ago 70 years ago rather he made sure every kid thought he was the godline apparently did that did the great daily israel work with him now if the kid is tackling them very very shocking week after week you pull them aside let's see the seventh grader right you're responsible these these 10 lines of the gemara privately and you mark the paper based on those questions and then there's a lot of eighths to do but some people are ocd and it has to be the whole paper or nothing i went to the mice many many many years ago already marked by numbers he averaged the testos he came to me after four weeks beginning of the year he said you know hi milan can i varnished what should i do so i stuck him in my office i bribed him whatever i did to him and he aced every test the next nine tests and after 13 tests came to report card the kid got a 78 in report card the last nine tests were hundreds so the kid comes crying to me what happened i went to the red he says i made the average so grabby was pardon me and i wrapped it up cycle you came to me we turned the kid around most your baby don't like that today they made my wonderful day just take those floor marks and and flush them out goodbye charlie and now you have only the nine good papers you mind our job on the penis and i'm testing you think he's great not that he's a dummy do they accept it do they accept that remy didn't know that ready was already old-time rebbe i was going to change him now but my question is the child accepts it oh yes oh yes the kids want to get good luck absolutely yes you think if the kid that's getting 40s on test doesn't know he's done he doesn't know he's got problems he knows but if you're going to just add some numbers why would it help him because he gives the physique he could do better what do you think they can study on one part of the test you have to find any way the cause of the kid when a kid doesn't want to work and it's not working that's good i don't care i don't have to worry about that kid right now if the kid wants shows you effort he wants to do well work with him a lot of kids are not happy only if they get um above 100. there are people like that and by the way i went back i had a murder story last year there was a boy in the shiva that was caught cheating on the test and it hit me i spoke to the kid i said what happened you get 90s my father after 100 i remember this older brother was the same way so here had ammunition i went back to the father privately it says no no no he's not afraid of me you older kid the same thing happened to him you know what it didn't happen anymore i don't care i don't have to win the fight i'm not interested in winning a fight with a parent i'm interested that things should change things should get better things get better for that kid there are parents that don't know how to control the disappointment foolish foolish foolish parents don't let a controller disappoint when a kid gets a low mark on a test or an id at ninety instead of a hundred those parents need a little bit lessons in parenting did the child only sees that x if the reddy still gives the extras don't forget the x's and red always and red the red pen remember should get rid of the red pens by the way i've spoken to rabbi and he says if the child all gets f um five out of ten is is is that good i tell them the kid is doing good no no but make a deal with him you should be fans of the five questions work find the nature what is it and also don't use red pens why why do you use red pen to show exes all right we have a lot more questions let's go live what's next my fault it's your problem you know that's dirty i'm off now go ahead yeah show me lantern how are you okay hi i'm a rebbe in 4j in in the mornings by jacobs i'm in korea be there but in the afternoons i teach initiative in brooklyn english fourth grade and the thing is i have a kid in that class he's a various bright kid but hashem leonardo and can i hear him he's very smart does his work he tries but he doesn't have this to say the least he can't sit that's what it is so so the problems he disrupts class a lot and plus his father is administrator so i'm playing in a very thin line on one hand i need law and order in the afternoon in my class i want to have the kids listening and doing doing instruction meanwhile he's this kid's playing around i i have a i have also a discipline system in my class but this kid really went beyond this beyond the discipline this system at the center in principle i'm a choice anymore and but meanwhile i can't talk to the father because because he's administrator so what do i do you know one thing nobody on here in this show over here whatever you would call it has been able to answer individual questions about individual kids we'll talk in general it's a general picture let's see in general if you have a kid that's misbehaving i would try if he's a good boy and he means well i would find jobs send them out of the room these kids need to get out of the room they got to get out of them they can't sit anymore they can't sit you know most kids can't sit you know it's a miracle that they sit as long as they sit so i would try to find them jobs work to do things that i can give them so if you continue not in front of the class in other words to tell me you're being rewarded but he's not behaving but privately tell him if you see he's bouncy you know send them out send them go somewhere for five minutes take they can take a breather do you ever try that do you ever try giving him a breather for five minutes so i've more recently i've sent them on errands here and there that should have actually helps a little bit the problem will be other kids get jealous that's the problem that's that's my oh that's exactly the problem i also want to go so the thing you can do is take a break for yourself and set 25 kids that are it'll be very very good you can sit there relax for a few minutes no seriously speaking you got to find ages for each kid how to do a little bit i find letting him out for a few minutes um i don't know you know could you sit for half hour and a question with somebody else's teaching and you hate the quest it's also hard for an adult to do that right so but it's individual questions all right i gotta know the kid it's very hard it's really hard to answer that over here all right bender we have more let's go next live one go one second right there i think you could hear me yeah crying yet okay thank you so much what would you say when a child um has no interest in going to school and says i'm not going to school like the fourth grade age he's just why is he not going to school he's just upset and he's not going to school he his he's doing well he's learning well um he has friends he's not the most popular but he has friends but he's not going to school i'm going to say something that's really really most principles will say i'm wrong and and you know they're going to have time on me for saying this there are kids like that there are kids like that i think you got to be able to make a deal with him i'll give you a day off today but you got to go for the next week you can't take your day off you have to go but then the other kids start i i tried that once but the other kids start my like other kids are like well i don't want to ask your own kids at home you mean what your own children at home i'm saying my own children one they hear one child say i don't want to go to school then and if he gets to have a day off then the advocate says well i want a day off too you know it depends if they're doing well the kids you have to nothing will explain to the kids i as a mother do things for certain kids different ways if the other kids are happy in school for example we found out now if the cove was 19 how many kids really loved school when school's reopened we had a big problem now in april they closed us down right because the whole community the kids were going crazy they wanted to go to shiva so most kids i think will understand your own children unless you have four or five kids the same you know in elementary school right and you gave one of them a day off so i'm always might give another one a day off at the end of the world it's not the end of the world it's challenging but i i find that works daphne we go crazy with our kids we make them go dabbling sixth grade now right sixth grade that would have been you shiva yeah again that's looking back into your question uh but you have kids who have dampening issues right they gotta get up these days they gotta get up before seven and come home at seven o'clock at night it's really very hard day for kids very very difficult day for kids some kids won't get out of bed i find it works like magic do you want any offense today fine you bother me you feed the sixth grader today admits i share my manner precarious by the way if that's not home nothing will happen and then the kids will go happily i think you got to find a way of being nice to him where he'll really be appreciated again i can't deal with all your kids at home that's your problem not mine but but seriously i i think there's nothing wrong with being nice to the kid and the kid doesn't want to go to school whatever the reason is you want you want to win the war you lose a battle it's on one day i think that's the best antique sometimes they want to break i think it's a good idea to put in on the calendar a day that they can take off because if it's in the moment it's already depends on their moods correct okay remember you ready for the next one i'm gonna try here we go charlemagne bender thank you for taking your time uh question that's a six-year-old you are related to my old you did rip shia though kippy nephew nephew we grew up together we grew up together in the mountains the woodridge new york okay guys okay six-year-old boy it's obviously my specific question but it could be a general question sweet wonderful boy good relationship you know good relationship recently becoming more irritable and when you ask him to do basic you know tasks clean up pick up your lego clean up after yourself it becomes a whole a whole tantrum is it worth it to continue pushing him at this point or is it something that you know wait till he gets older oh it's worth doing something you make a deal with him today i'll leave you alone but tomorrow take care of it that's the best way to do it he doesn't clean up tonight today clean up tomorrow that you're not clean up but that same type of deals you can make a six-year-old should not be hard i think you as the father would take him out while there's a pizza right and and tell him let's talk and try to figure out what's making a mirror world you can do that if you make one-on-one time with kids you can discover a lot of wonderful wonderful things with kids you can find that six-year-old kid should not be hard to reach but i wouldn't i would not push it too hard in such a conversation the answer would be you're asking me do you ask me too many times too much stuff to do too much stuff to do that's when you you you're you're right you're the kid and i'm the adult right you ready okay so start again come on you're the kid so what i'm the kid yeah you're the kid sure your name is sure you're a six-year-old esther's bedtime ruby bender all right sure let's go sure you're six years old what's wrong sure you're always asking me to do stuff you're always asking me to do this stuff so much stuff you're making me do for example like what what why don't i make you do sure clean on my lego nothing wrong with that you want to have it tomorrow lego you're not gonna have it tomorrow if you don't clean it up i'll let mommy sweep it up or throw it out you want that you try to reason with them you try the reason you don't like the jobs i hear you so you don't have to wrong your day off for doing it reason with them talk to them reason with them if the okay so i guess if if if there's a tantrum you can't reason with them right no no no stay away from tantrums but if you stay over the tantrum it'll go away tantrums go away if 10-15 minutes you know that right last forever most kids can't panic on attention either is it is it a normal normal thing for for a kid that age to to be throwing a tantrum if they if they're asked to do a basic task it's not normal but it's pretty it's very common there's normal in common it's not a normal thing but it's common it's commonplace for kids kids throw tantrums yes if you ask what kids do most kids throw tenders sometime or another they do you already though you got to take it better kids my mother i want to say something interesting our last show raised us my mother never ever hit us once everybody said you hear that ladies and gentlemen my mother never ever laid a finger on us and believe me i deserved it she never ever laid a finger on us ever my father was living you know gave us a patch once in a while my mother raised his ten little brothers no never hit us she would say yanka i'm disappointed in you and somehow she got the message across that we were hurting her we knew she was our mother maybe that didn't help okay but yanko i'm disappointed in you and that really did the trick most of the time you should have believe it or not you can reason with kids again a six-year-old can reason but they're certainly not middle of the tantrum okay yes okay okay bender we're gonna go into the different topic now somebody wants to ask the question but i got a few questions that i have to ask specifically so i'm going to open them up jeremy you hear me jeremy yeah i'm here hi how are you ask the question because i have to ask him but you could add on to it so remember bender it'll go for you about bullying all my son's friends on the block suddenly decided to bully my son and he's left very lonely and broken although now they are actively not hurting him he's still left playing alone and sees his friends playing together and leaving him out how do i deal with my son and lift him up and how do i deal with the bullies jeremy do you want to add on to that question because that jeremy looks like you like take your upper right hand uppercut right take care that's what jeremy looks like you'd like to do it's so funny you said my family it's very interesting i wasn't going to mention that but my father trained us that way i'll mention that as part of my question jeremy i i know you're wrapping up your brother very well yes mark hashem okay so my six-year-old son hashem started school school is going very well we moved to a new neighborhood and he's uh bullied in the neighborhood and then recently on the school bus again six years old so my question is very specific um oh she asked it in general so we're going to give you a lot of ammo to go with but i'm going to ask a specific question if a child wants if a parent wants to address bullying how should a parent address it by speaking to the school by speaking to the other parents by speaking to their child by speaking to the other children um if you had if you could write a very quick book what would you tell people all right so this is a very common problem obviously you cannot let your child be bullied the the children who get bullied feel so bad first a bully became today all-encompassing word used to be years ago fighting now it's bullying okay but bullying it's a kid that's getting bully back other kids he's suffering daily if it's mostly a school situation right on the bus or in school then the principal obviously is the answer but if it's happening in your neighborhood you got to call the parents don't get involved with the children the kids will take it out of your kid do not get involved with the children but there's nothing wrong with calling parents on the block you know most parents are nice aren't they i mean you're a new guy today but most parents are nice you tell them if your parents are not nice go back to your neighborhood but most parents are nice then you got to ask them please help me out my kid is crying all night long with please talk to your kids about it but they have to have sexual not to tell their kids that you called in other words you got to keep you away from the kids the kid part with you got to be separated it shouldn't come from you if it comes out at the end six years old kid which keeper but i think you got to call the other parents i always advise that and i would say come on all the time most parents understand unless your kid is a mean terrible child which i'm sure he's not unlimited child these things do straighten out eventually with a little bit of work not a lot kids today are picking on one kid tomorrow picking on another kid they have to be another kid kids like they pick on other kids that's what kids are so most parents i'm mentioning about it they'll help you straighten it out there's nothing wrong with that jeremy good yeah very good thank you okay coming back i'm mute i'm gonna throw you off jeremy okay next question lyon yes you are okay question um high school child um how much should we expect as far as fila goes even for a high school kid 10th grader if let's say how much you should expect from filler where when he comes home uh in chabous venezuelan this is a very very complication it's a very very common question again about the dabbling so so you know you really want a 14 15 year old kid to go with you to schuyler diamond like a men's that's what you really want but some kids still it's 14 15. i'm gonna say something about it they're not holding bite they're not only bites you gotta make a little bit of deal with them they should have let's say um they dive in until you know if the chakras they then you you look the other way if they walk at it at least you appear to there some kids are not ready to dabbing yet now of course we expect them at the age of there's no child at the age of 14 15 you should go to school diamond like a bench and it'll come but if you force religion in that kid's mouth it's not gonna work it shouldn't happen with a 40-50 year old kid and i don't know you died i don't know you are i don't know how you die it could be sometimes it's a problem with the parents really don't dive in that world if you double well the worst kids i'm thinking at clark the kids that end up being the worst and dominating are the ones with the father sits next to them and continually berates them for not happening well if you want your kid not to dabble well beat him up i don't even physically beat him up constantly and tell him he's not damaging well sit straight look inside what you're doing when you're walking around let's do it if you do that he's done for he'll hate dobbing the rest of his life but if you really dive well yourself and you live and let live a little bit you gotta look the other way a little bit you gotta know i looked the other way for the seven boys behind her that will another great family is you got to learn how not to notice everything you don't have to notice everything pick your fights if the kid he should go with you on time to dominate what do you do with mothers who tell me all the time that the kids don't go on time to dabbing and they call myself all the time they come late so you know i let them come a little late you know what i'll be the other roof you tell me you know what family starts 8 30 and say right you know you'd see i hope you get here by 10 to 9 at least okay but next week don't do it you know not dabbling is a is the most difficult thing to teach kids how to balance don't be rate them don't get down on them but eventually it'll dive in eventually it'll happen i think they will not all kids are going to be as perfect and happy as the other kids are going to be in so do you expect him to double well yes yeah with the question how much would you expect but if he doesn't you got to find the nights of making it more palatable and don't notice every alberta the kids whose father's every athlete but nothing they don't want to go to school they don't go to school and there are kids by the way another problem that there is it's a big problem that becomes better and they finally let it out they're in the out of town yeshiva they got to march like you know a certain way all the time when they come home boom they're sleeping to 12 o'clock every day and the mothers go crazy right the fathers go crazy what's with my creations and they can only sleep at eleven o'clock 11 30 and the father goes crazy but it goes crazy right let me make an example you have that's why yeah if you have a daughter who's 13 14 years old what time she get up in shabbos 11 35 10 o'clock 12 o'clock they're getting out of bed you want to go eat this they watch your lego bus the girls have it that way but during the week they work hard they get up early the boy has the same haircut you can't do it because to beat seven days a week the girl works on the girls watching the studios we know that the girls are much much more studious we understand that okay but the girl has a lot out with absolutely sunday morning they don't they bet who knows when you know it's wonderful the boy he's tired he's pressed the whole year long he never enjoyed dabbing it's a problem you gotta make sure he enjoys that okay thank you here we go the next one can you hear me yes we can okay thank you for making this amazing program um i guess it's a specific question but it can be made more general i have a four-year-old daughter she's my oldest and she asks a lot of very um i guess deep kinds of questions that i could tell worry her um a lot of hashem questions why does he do this why did you do that why do guys do this why do you then do this like and i have a million examples of this so my question is she's only forced i know she's really very young to intellectually understand the answers so am i supposed to address them or should i just kind of you know uh i think you should tell them not to worry i don't know what the questions are you know i know what the questions are but if a four-year-old asks you questions like that okay a little bit hard i i she's anxious clearly anxious girl and and you got to tell you got to deact the anxiety a little bit the anxiety i know if you're i don't know if you you're an anxious person your husband's action person normally anxiety runs through families when parents are anxious kids are anxious this kid is an anxious child you got to make everything light light don't worry about hashem loves you kids have an image in their heads i shepherd i'm sorry i gotta say this he's this big bad man looking to punish everybody that's the kids think right hashem loves you he doesn't want you to be unhappy or sad hashem loves you why do bad things happen sometimes we don't know the answers but it's very important to start right at the basic fundamental the kids should have a heritage that hashem loves them i think that's a very very important thing they shouldn't think that hashem hates them and a four-year-old if complains about something buy or slice a pizza so i don't have to i don't have to worry that like absolutely not true anxiety for whatever it is in her life not necessarily her father because she's not happy yeah trying to make her less anxious less anxious anxious girls you shouldn't be anxious but she's just channeling it in her like sophisticated but it's not really that okay i once had a mother years ago to complain bitterly about this yitzchak it's raining again you know i hear the argument it's if the rabies and teacher came that abram took his sword to chop it to his head off etc etc cetera kids are going to have a bad example you have to teach al qaeda there are teachers this last week's priority participle expression needs tremendous sensitivity and sensitivity on a regular and and a motorist part tremendous sensitivity we we want our kids to go up normal not anxious so if they ask you questions don't worry about nothing don't worry hashem loves you let's move on right she said like do you not like all these questions is it okay that i ask these questions because she knows she has a lot of letter is glitter is what letter is but put her at ease okay bendy ready for the next one we have a lot more people coming in now you just here okay somebody was about to ask that just they probably got disconnected but i actually have another question i want to get to okay it's a general question i'm sure a lot of people have it in different ages but let's let's use a 11 year old for example when a child starts telling you you tell a child put away your dishes come home at nine o'clock in child just flat out tells you no and doesn't listen what's the matter with the parent you know you tell me young kids today okay 11 year olds and teenagers you know already it's a girl right a girl right i get a girl you can make it a boy if it makes a difference eleven-year-old kids don't say no they don't have to play bull they they you know girls are much more um you know much more intense um i think there's girls and boys at that age 11 12 year olds they change very very dramatically let's talk about the 13th role let's move it up a little bit right you got to sit with again i only have tried everything with goods you have to try with everybody a little bit you know and a good iphone you have to try as best you can to try to figure out why the kid is saying no you have to get to the bottom of it there are times for therapy by the way you know therapists today are very good the a lot of young therapists in lakewood and barbara park flatbush there are a lot of young people out there that can really help you some kids need it um you know this six-year-old kid mrs rosen's whatever this is the bar or something we asked the question before about a four-year-old kid this kid might need therapy eventually if she sticks to our questions constantly there's something scaring her oh the interesting story for a minute okay i'll go back to the little kid at the minute you know i have i had a machinist and fear of southern death i thought i talked to my father at night 10 30 at night cough olive coffee based bedroom mama's tonight i took them wow it's eleven o'clock now 10 30 at night i went to sleep 11 o'clock because in philadelphia you went to sleep when you were supposed to go to sleep and i got up in the morning rachel because helped me up and my father is dead i had to get involved with the fear of sudden death my oldest sister always showed up recrying epstein's wife when she was sick at one point that happened we all happened to be around the bed with six children all together and we all figured out that we all have a fear of sudden death we didn't know and i spoke to a psychologist in lakewood a terrific one mrs gosling but she's a terrific lady and she comes to like something she has to up with with with her daughter the guy that would respect her mind i spoke to her she told me and i really should go to her she told me in three weeks time she could clear up many other ladies like how's the stage in my life but i'm just saying she could have cleared up anything for me it would have been very good if somebody had told me after i turned 15 when i could talk to my mother about those things right uh that you can clear it up there's nothing wrong your father died suddenly of course you have a fear of death you know but you got to get someone have to get me to open up and talk about it and get my sisters plural to open up and my brothers to open up we all have the same fear of sudden death so nothing wrong with therapy sometimes if this four-year-old who asks a lot of questions about hashem and so on by the time she's seven or eight you may need some therapies there's nothing wrong a kid says no i won't do why is he fighting his parents his father said do something right there's something going on you gotta get to the bottom of it the kid shouldn't say no the kids can come back tomorrow for two dollars in the morning to buy a soda right the kid doesn't want to doesn't want to be told if you say no to me i'm not going to buy you so nothing wrong with the father saying that got to find out what's the root cause of the problem all right we have more live okay you're on hi i hear you okay great so the question is that you've done everything to create um a value of mention kite in your home and your kid is the one calling the other kid the idiot so the parent calls you the baby calls you and they say your kid is quote unquote the bully so how do you address it with your child it is the rebbe said what your kid is your kid is being mean he's being the quote-unquote bully you have to punish the child there is fire blindness in this world you have to punish the child i don't know how you finish your children but if a kid if your kid is being mean there's no excuse for that whatsoever you're hurting somebody there's nothing wrong with drinking that promise braces by the way so many examples of me though say for yosha i would use the pressure you can't let your kid get away be i got a bad you you're the bully now the other kids start out with me but it happens too many times there's ten kids to chris and say you're signing up with them at home you're doing it to your own brothers and sisters there's nothing wrong with punishing them how do you punish i'm not getting into that tonight everybody got dude punishing the work for themselves but you got to punish your child we can't let a kid be mean grab enter our next one okay you're on i'm waiting wait one second okay we'll go back to that person okay somebody just asked this question um remember let's talk about a little bit at your school you have the extra curriculums right can you explain some people because like you know a lot of people link with or other places have a small school and it's very you know it is what it is and you fit into that little box but just in general how your school works with the extracurricular uh curriculum with what that we have we have a strong resource center for the traffic kids okay he needs a lot of people i think one of out of four boys if i would need to have help that's extracurricular i think you have to have progress you said before for the kids with single parent thomas you have to have that you have to have availability them to play ball it's very important that kids get exercise and get out and play ball very very important very important they should have recess that's not extracurricular that's a normal thing um in the high school we have woodworking for them for the kids who can't learn well kids that know in high school have a real great vocational program that's the biggest breakthrough the extra you know what happened now it's so good the vocational program that a lot of the alice kids want to take the program that's great which i always wanted i don't want the kids to think that the dummies right now let's say in the carpentry shop right where the kids are building all kinds of great things that kids will become exquisite carpenters i'm making a lot of money i mean kid was an eighth grade seeing a psychiatrist twice a week he's today a plumber with four kids for hashem and he's robbing everybody comes to the house and charge 100 to say hello you know he's a plumber like anybody on the pub he's making a quarter million dollars a year right now let me rob you i'm joking he led plumbing in yeshiva i have a lot of kids you know yeah did you see by the way a lot of the shoes brought in this big plastic thing but uh bulkier one-sided plastic and and the and the uh a lot of shields though that's what i'm talking about it came on wheels this was made with one of the kids and now you know he made it he made a company he made a fortune it's not a big thing that he invented this thing it comes on wheels a bar right with plastic you made it figured out extracurricular you've got to give high school kids extracurricular you can't put them on the same cookie cutter so the vocational program is the biggest thing we have tremendous this year we're teaching how to become a chef culinary and you know they make you know what a good chef makes to me a lot of money now they have to learn because they sell white shirt in the morning they go to class and they learn they got to learn and learn secular studies at night say that but they're giving of something they can have their outlet if they're an extracurricular that's getting valid resources was very very important atlantic can't have his outlet the kid who gets those 40s we spoke about before let me let him excel in some area why not come on what do you do with all the plus uh to let them first of all we finished with this and we give tremendous prize to finishing massachusetts and we offer by the way but the shrek kids finish megillah and titus i would say last year we had a big door file the big year those kids we have 300 boys in high school right we would have 220 230 boys finishing condition and then covered 19 came you know right at the purim so that was a big club you know but but we try to give those kids who can't finish quests but they learn themselves they got the same feelings from the heart of the by the way program is spectacular higher the program is being run you know where by uh very uh uh lumen it's a marvelous program and with the kids finishing the second and so on and so forth um i think for the girl there's make sewing quizzes for the girls you know when i even tell my girls tonight we're talking about boys all night tonight girls is a different world but you know what a girl feels like she doesn't do well in school girls are studious when a girl doesn't do well in school come on they feel terrible there should be programs for them should be programs percent all right let's go back to more live questions i have so many lined up over here let's see what we could do you're wrong yes i um i'm a doctor apparent joseph angelson i think where she was time for or actually that's a little louder i'm sorry i didn't hear you why joseph angles are my darkest parents i thank the russian for taking the time okay um i have a question about what to say to a child when a child says that his friends are doing something and the parents um do not agree and he feels he says that he feels left out um and even and he's even tempered that um the kids say well your parents don't let you know your child do x y or z is he the only kid in the class like that no but his friends do things that um nothing ever happened to a child if he says i'll check her a little bit they'll go away eventually nothing ever happens to a child with appearances left out so he's feeling bad and left out that he can't join in whatever they're doing again see what i could do well he actually the child feels left out so if it's a minor thing there's nothing wrong you have to stand up for your principles you have to you have to set up your principles in your home what you want i mean we didn't let our kids go to certain homes until today my grandchildren my grandchildren not allowed to go to certain homes and you know they feel left out too bad i mean the it's not really a problem we were boys we went on zoom in yeshiva last year right and there were parents that didn't want zoom in their houses right and the kids felt like they didn't have it i i admired those parents they didn't let them happen but they still don't nothing happened to the kid nothing will happen i think they check them a little bit yeah if it's ongoing champion somebody committed what kids are being mean in the neighborhood and so on different story all together it's not the end of the world if you tell the kid we don't do it i'm sorry um you know especially if it's a young kid how old is your child 11. yeah not the end of the world but he wants to get together and you know they're doing something or they're doing consistently it doesn't have to be it's not even to be a safety i don't know if it's something that's not major maybe it shouldn't have so many rules is that it is safety for example you know kids in the summer especially you know they're riding bikes in the street certain parents are not comfortable with that oh boy oh boy oh boy this is simple stuff why did you let your kids ride a bike in the street why not because it's dangerous yes so you have to make sure they ride your direction they can drive in the streets most kids are allowed to ride the street today with when they're 12 13 years old 11 11 years old also i i think most of them ride the street today how many times this summer i had to be careful with uh you know avoiding kids i almost almost hate because they weren't being cautious the next question is going to be to you what are the things that he's doing that you don't want to do i don't know if you can stop a kid from riding a bike you know it's even anything you know it could be anything else that you know well i was thinking i'm a very good pastor video games you know xbox or whatever maybe xbox yes no yeah it's rules that's rules we don't like xbox in the house what's wrong with that yeah it passes thing if it's a bicycle riding maybe you gotta get over your own anxiety if it's a bicycle ride anything maybe she'll let the kid ride a bicycle you know i don't want to be held responsible how's the show i mean i'm a scaredy cat i really am i tell a guy i live in a dead end block and my kids come to my house i tell them be careful i couldn't get my cross there's no cause here you know i worry but i don't want to let the kids affect my kids worries it's like a follow-up a little bit on this but i have a lot of live questions so i'm gonna try to cover as much as possible if you have time okay 11 30 you said right whatever whatever embedded says you're interested while you're ahead it's the cloud government quit while your heads you're the principal i i'm just i'm just listening 11 30 we're moving on i gotta let me stay with my father god do okay okay so let's just get okay so follow-up question on this can you please ask about finding out about your 12-year-old son using an e-cigarette with his next-door neighbor who's 14 years old and he's a very close friend of his do i come down hard on him or i just make believe i don't see it but the biggest problem is i feel he's sneaking behind my back biggest problem with what he feels that he's doing it and sneaking behind his back i think you have to tell him i can't do it is certain things you got to stick with the other way i think on east sig absolutely not you cannot deal with wifi pick your fighter that's a fight to pick 100 depends what they are i don't think they are if the kid is not dobbing that well be careful but if a kid is uh using any sick goodbye charlie let's try to take two more live questions then we'll go to the closing okay bender shim and you're on yeah if you discipline the child you muhammad your child and uh you know through anger but and then you regret it and you want to apologize but you want to keep the message there how do you do that do you do that and how do you do it you don't have to if he was wrong enough to apologize but if he brought out the anger our job is to bring out the best in our kids right that's our job it really be a teacher a parent we have the best in kids if we're going to continue to bring out the worst in kids then he should apologize now the idea is really to bring out the best so if a kid has an anger issue needs to have help anger will not go away so fast you know you can't just open themselves to charm sharokina you can't just do that it won't work it might need you might need a little bit help it could be a little help but what if the parents the parent did it out of anger then you probably of course you apologize but but you want to keep the message there you want to apologize but you want to make sure it's your fault don't get angry next time i'm sorry i i think that you my biggest problem is what was the problem we were shooting with kids and we got rabbits to slap us around they had a fight where he finally fight with his wife and they beat us up if there's nothing wrong if a rabbit rabbit would say hindi much of the kindness or a father that's fine but if out of anger you have a problem you should have gotten angry you can't get angry with your kid you're the adult all right better one more live question then we'll go to the closing if that's okay i want to finish on bizman hello sam yes yes hi my question is my question is i have a three-year-old and he doesn't want to go to sleep yes keep him coming out in the crib what should i do give it to your wife i won't tell you a story when i was one time my wife had to go out of the house and um to me the women are the heroes they really are i think we men underestimate what the women do for us on a daily basis some of us found out they're in copenhagen because we were home from work et cetera et cetera we found that a little bit i say story all the time my wife is she's terrific she's superb she raised my kids i had nothing to do with it really i mean i was a good guy but i was like they would really so so one time when devin was eight maybe she was six avraham was four and c was two three's monotony bro you don't like it four kids and my mic she didn't trust me my wife she gave me a list of each kid when they go to bed and what they eat exactly what they like to eat them i have to follow those directions exactly i know my wife is coming home and i better do the right thing and i follow directions but when i have to get him into bed forget about it yes sir i couldn't get him into bed no way no no way finally at one point at 7 30 8 o'clock i said to my kids if you don't get into bed i'm telling mommy on you and then i said boy what did i just say you know what they went scuttling into bed you know they have assisted the ladies stay out of it the same is not for you getting your kid in the bed you got to spoil them rattling if you put them in the bed then you just ask that you answer the question somebody has to ask me somebody else he said he knows all your children said each one is a gem what's the vendor's tricks i said that's a gems i'm kidding tell the guy to call me now they're okay brother sure at this stage in life maybe you know they get older they have jobs their wife their kids we ain't hurt her let's go to closing bender and i'll just have a closer words of revenue you want to finish on time first i want to thank rabbi yakuben for coming on tonight there's literally hundreds hundreds people here have a vendor and thousands those we went over 500 so it's fine but trump thousands of people watch it and it was tremendous physical i feel like we again we touched on a lot there's so many more questions we can get to so right now yeah i'll come back i really will come back one day 2021 available yeah you're already funny i think 20 20 such a bad year i heard people i heard people are changing their addresses that's 20 20. they're changing their license plates let's get very long okay tonight again shows i've gone to the enlistments my father the come on discuss some mature topics it's going to be the amazing man he's a very good man he's an amazing person i i spent an hour two hours with him on the phone and uh i'm not really so involved in it but to hear what's going on just awareness is very very important for people to know uh a lot of things are changing also a lot of laws are changing now the jersey laws are changing and um we really have to know what's going on out there and i have to know what kids have access to and how to deal with it and uh he's an amazing person i want people that i told is coming out i got texts from the guy saved my life people texted me so again please tell everybody about it and please come on next week again everything is recorded tonight it'll be available on monacoburnfield.com if you have any questions please email me gmail rabbit bender we'll forward you all thousands of emails we'll bend the lancer every single one within five minutes just joking at tonight's year share number 27. it's all going to be recorded you can listen to it on the phone the phone number seven three two nine two four eight four six four again a special thank you for the advertising people liquid scoop kazakhs you are live and a special thank you to kyla kaufman national summer from jcn coach monachem closing words well thank you very much hashem a lot of information a lot of questions and thank you again for your time and hopefully we'll finish but i just want to mention that a lot of what we discussed is obviously very logical and it makes sense when you hear it but when it actually comes with myself it doesn't plan out the same way you know like we're all human and we have our own things to work on correct correct yeah i always mentioned that by the way we didn't tell one thing still it does work filler doesn't work the women drive and they they're dabbing somehow i reaches up there really chill it doesn't work you're right it's not easy i gave you answers to a lot yeah no hundred percent i just have to leave the islam with uh to understand that these are steps and about their courses and their books and something you have to learn and if you feel you have to do it right away you have to tell your kid right away probably it's coming from an emotional thing inside of you if you can wait a few minutes and see how to do it but again it's work but it's good to to know what where um what the goal is and uh you know the main thing is to have the connection and like i mentioned last time to be able to listen to the child you want the child to talk you want to open up and we are very solution oriented the child comes with a problem okay so do this you have to cut take a band-aid what's the big deal we have solutions for everything but when if you're coming with a solution sometimes we miss the boat because they need a little bit of the connection to be able to open up so this is the avoider so we heard a lot tonight and should help every one of us we should be able to withdraw other before we do anything every day in the morning we say it's villa we should be matlier in our avoider and i say twice a week it works for me i say twice a week up to sundays and tuesdays that's what i chose to say it's a wonderful philly yes i should have to help you raise your kids that's the answer that's welcome thank you everybody my real pleasure thank you very much really really thank you again