Rabbi Yosef Greenwald Shovavim - Marriage The connection between the physical and emotional

Oh, >> okay. Good talk everybody. for joining for coming. Obviously, what's paradoxical, we talk about a we're talking about something we speak about [clears throat] and there's no subject that should be discussed as privately as intimacy in marriage. Even though it's really the bedrock of marriage and there's no subject that should be discussed in public as much as marriage but intimacy is the private part of marriage and generally speaking we discuss and working on this when we're talking about something private generally we would speak about it. So obviously we're going to we'll try to speak in a way that and I'll point out one thing as a disclaimer. There'll be questions and I invite the to ask questions [clears throat] a thousand%. There's two types of questions. There are questions that are in general and there are qu and those questions [clears throat] there are questions that are maybe to one person specifically and maybe those questions are better after this but all questions are welcome and that that's the way it should be in the context of bringing out the point that intimacy in marriage is something that's it has to be discussed and it has to be clarified and there's No more area of life that needs a more clearer perspective and whatever you want to call it. At the same time it's private I'll be like we would [clears throat] say oh maybe it's not something to discuss for something interesting it's a that most people don't know it's a puk that's well hidden in the in talks about the different parts of the bdosh and the code name for the is called the now watch what happens here's The besa mikdash. The besa mdash is a mo of it's a place where and meet up. And there's three parts of the mea mdash. We'll break down the mea mikdash into three parts. There's a kz as you know is the place where all of gathered on yam. It's a place of public. It's a place of togetherness. It's a place where everybody was there together. Everybody's invited. There's a place called further in that's called the only were allowed to go in. That's where the went into and so on. The place that's furthest inside nobody could walk in except for the except for the once a year after the proper requisite is could go in once a year and he could only go in a you know a very specific type of state. >> [clears throat] >> A home, a Jewish home, we talk about Shay, we talk about the kadusha of marriage really has three parts. There's three parts in every Jewish home. We'll call in the house, we'll call the front room, the dining room, that's the place we'd have a purum with 30 guys hanging out, noise, laughter, family, everybody's invited, right? You make a play, right? Everybody's invited. open public the place in the house is a little bit more private the kitchen right the rabbitson is working inside the snoot it's not so official you go in your shirt you know it's not so the place in a home that's private of course is the bedroom the place in the place in the mdash that's private is called the what that means to say is is that the same way that private place in the bdash is not kaidesh but it's kaidesh kashim in a marriage [snorts] the bedroom even though all the parts of the home are important and you have to have everything running properly the place that holds it all together and the place that's the sherish of everything and the place where there's the real glue that holds a marriage together and holds a family together and really is the of Kazal you look at Rashi on that Rashi says specifically that's going on the intimate relationship between husband and wife has it has everything to do with the vibes at home the mood at home the midas at home the relationship but primarily the place that's called is in the bedroom so that's as now I would be magd that when we're talking about what is the purpose of why the rebum created this intimate relationship. So hard to understand exactly how that should be the kadesh of the Jewish marriage. But if we understand that it takes the most work and the most working on oneself in order to make that part of the marriage really work, we can understand why that's because that's what makes what the calls impassious. When the terror created the terror uses the terminology, the terror defines a marriage in the intimate sense. What's the two of them seem to be serious? Which means that we're going to have to look a little bit deeper. Rash on the one hand says means what? What's she says? It means two people, right? You have a husband, you have a wife. You have a a moi and you have a Miriam. You have a Yankee and you have a nest. Put them together. Two different people. What's one? The one of a marriage is the children that the marriage produces. That's okay. Good. I understand. Means that a baby's born, right? The baby, everybody looks at the baby and says, "Oh, it has his ears and her smile, his nose and her hair." Right? So there's a him and a her. That's they're two people, but they produce one. Okay? That's one. The other is means the fact that they have a physical intimate relationship. They become one. That's what Rashi says. Now what always bothered me about these two is they seem to be mysterious when we talk about in the sense of children is not the person themselves children is your future it's your nitis it's what you know even after you leave this world after 80 90 100 years you leave behind children grandchildren great-grandchildren that's a person's posterity that's a person's future is in the here and now the physical relationship between a husband and wife is very in the moment it's very physical. It's very pleasurable and it's very in the moment. How did those two [clears throat] is like and is very in the here and now? And the answer is it's one and the same. In order to make a marriage work, the intimate part of marriage has to work because that's the glue. Means they plead to each other like glue. What takes two different people and glues them together into one that sees? How do you take dimension created in maton? You have two people, two very different perspectives on life, two different personalities. There's a the fact that men and women are completely are wired completely differently. Men are from which planet is it? Mars. >> Mars. >> Mars, right? The women are from Venus. I always get that mixed up. The men with a ve with a V. Men are from men. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. It's true. men and women are wired completely totally different and is the fact that they come from two different families. He's from fore and she's from the other side of my like two different two different worlds. And if he's from Lakewood and she's from my is even worse. They're from two different worlds. And if she's from Toronto and she's from forget it, you're you're in deep trouble. Two different two totally different people. Two totally different backgrounds. totally different ways perspectives of life. How do you take two people and [clears throat] turn them into one into one is means literally the physical relationship between a husband and wife creates one reality. So that's why it's because you're taking the purpose of all of the creating the world is to take different things that don't fit together and to turn them into one. We live in and we bring shim down, right? That's what mitzvah is all about. He's from one world, she's from another world. To make that into one mitz, there's nothing like it. We're in our world are we? We're in our marriages. When we at that moment of physical intimacy, that's when a husband and wife are because that's when they become. Okay, that's all inspiration and it's all true. Now the shall is what makes it work. What makes it work? Everybody understands it's not so it's complicated because so let's discuss a few of the uh few of the nudis in order to make this part of marriage in order to make the glue that holds a marriage together work better. My wife who's a has a perspective as a as a therapist and as a college teacher coined a very nice way of discussing what we call intimacy. He says intimacy is similar to saying the words into me you see. I'll explain to you what that means. Yeah. Intimacy if you say that slowly is into me you see. What that means is as follows. On the one hand, the part of marriage that we're discussing now, it's very physical, very pleasurable, and it's the most powerful drive that a person has in his in his physical world more than eating and more than more than any other physical drive. [clears throat] And the rebel will create that way. The desire for this part of life is very strong because the revenu wants it to be strong. Rebum wants the passion to be there. The revenge wants the drive to be there. The rebum wants the ty to be there. It's a but it was created in order to be channeled into what? Into the mits of intimacy. I'll explain to you what I mean. We think of a marriage as a relationship that has to work. It has to work seven days a week, 24 hours a day. It means the finances. is it means sharing the car. It means the mortgage. It means the kids. It means diapers. It means getting up at night. Where you're going for Shabas, what you're serving for lunch million different parts. It also means talking. It means sharing time. It means laughing. It means having somebody to share your day with. And it means somebody having somebody to open up to and somebody to somebody shoulder to cry on. All the other parts of marriage. And it also means of course two people that have a lot of pleasure being very close together physically for sure. But lisa on the one we're all composed all us human beings are composed of two parts. There's the of a person of a person [clears throat] in marriage we'll call the fact that a husband and wife right in our world when a husband and wife get to know each other. Where do they get to know each other? You you're out dating and you discuss goals and aspirations. You see personalities and you see if there's a if there's a if there's a mash but the mashik is very much on an level on a soulmate level right you talk and you see if you have open communication that's on the one hand on the other hand the physical relationship with marriage doesn't start to laugh to the right it's clear level with a physical level [clears throat] where do they meet it's almost as if there's two there's Two things going on in marriage. Before a marriage, a husband and wife get to know each other. They're getting to know each other on an level. After they get married, right, the the most powerful part of the marriage is the physical part of marriage. Hands down. That's the way it is. Where do those two meet up? [clears throat] There's something in the middle. All the far talk about this. A human being is a mama. A human being is a go, right? We're all physical beings and we're all shamika beings. We all recognize that. We're all in sync with that, right? We feed ourselves mitzvah that's feeding one part of ourselves. We feed ourselves a good night's sleep, three square meals a day. We're feeding the physical parts of ourel. What's the glue that holds the two parts of a human being together? Again, I want I want I want them to think with me. If we say that a human being is two parts and those two parts are diametrically opposite, [clears throat] >> a human being is on the one hand a thinking, idealistic, ideabbased, valuebased, goal-driven person. One, a human being is a physical being with physical needs that he shares in common with everything else in the animal kingdom. How do those two good go together? What's the glue that connects the two parts of a person? Is that with me? This is a this is a question that has plagued human beings for hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years. What defines the glue or that holds a human being together? If a human being is if aided, a human being, whatever you want to call is and what's the glue that holds those two parts together? Hold. I'm willing to take suggestions. [clears throat] Are we rni? Are we gashmi? Are we souls or are we bodies? What does a soul and a body have to do in common with each other? The place in between, the glue that holds the two together, my my friends, is feelings. A human being is a mind, his goals, his ideas. A human being is a body with very physical needs. The part that holds the part two parts of human being together is the emotional world. And this ra is the of marriage. And when we talk about intimacy, there's going to be a there's going to be a prerequisite that in order for the physical part of of marriage to work properly, in order for it to have to hold on to its passion and its feeling and in order to give it the satisfaction for both parts of the marriage, for the husband and the wife, that's necessary in order to make to take a good marriage and to turn it into a great marriage or to learn marriage which after a while could get a little bit stale. Everybody knows that get a little bit boring and a little bit not exciting. In order to keep that excitement and the passion and the feeling alive for many many years in order to combine those two theor of the marriage should remember this theor of the marriage is the emotional world. Now us men have a revol in his that was that was written to give he calls this you know what that means that means a very strong bribery he says what happens is you have a guy going to a marriage and he wasn't sure what to expect marriage is wonderful it's very pleasurable the experience couple gets married young couple they have time together And it's you know especially the intimate part of life is very powerful very pleasurable. [clears throat] So says a guy could not even that his marriage is not even doing well because as far as he's concerned everything was wonderful last night. But says she could be in a totally different place. I'll explain to you where what what he's trying to point out. Boba is trying to educate that by the men the physical part of marriage has a life unto its own. The mashik and the passion could have a life unto its own. The women are primarily wired and this is with what the I gave is that this is really the glue that holds marriage together because it's really the glue that holds us human beings together. The same way a human being is thoughts and a human being is physical. He's an asham and a goof. But what holds an asham and a goof together is emotion. Emotions are between. Emotions are the in between that holds the human being totally together. In a marriage as well, a couple gets married. Before they get married, they agree to marry based on compatibility, based on ideas, based on shared aspirations. They get together. [clears throat] Alice is the strongest experience of marriage because of course the bedroom is intimacy. At the same time, what drives the marriage and what holds the marriage together is the feelings. Emotional intimacy is really the key to good and happy and longlasting and satisfying physical intimacy. And that's why I gave the that the word intimacy is not intimacy is not an act that's done once, twice, three times a week, whatever it is. Intimacy is a state of connection between two people. which you could describe with the word into me. You see, when two people, I'll describe what it looks like. When two people are completely open with each other, when a husband comes home and he shares part of his day and the wife, for whatever reason, doesn't feel comfortable sharing her day and they're distracted and they don't fully talk to each other for whatever reason. They're busy. Technology just there's a million things going on and he's not really sharing what's really going on emotionally for him with her and she doesn't feel comfortable. She doesn't feel like he's totally plugged in. She doesn't feel like he's really getting it. She doesn't feel like he's really accepting her, not judging her and really there to support her emotionally. Then the emotional connection is not intimate. You see, it's not intimate. Intimacy means completely and the same way I'll go a step further. The same way the you would think that this is maybe marriage [clears throat] advice from a therapist right I'll be explicit with for a moment says that a person who's wearing any type of clothing it's it's a steer to the experience. Why? Because means the couple is completely physically together. Nothing is dividing them. Clothing on means that there's something blocking you from the outside. When a couple's together, they're supposed to be completely undressed. Why? Because they're [clears throat] supposed to be completely. If a husband and a wife communicate and they're sharing their day and there's other stuff going on, he's checking his phone. She's picking up the phone to this one. He's thinking about something else. She's distracted. We live in a very distracted world. And when we live in a distracted state, there's other stuff going on. It It's almost as if I'll be a little bit blunt. It's almost as if the same way if a couple is says that it's actually the you think not that way. You think maybe person would have on a few articles of clothing so he's less exposed. Maybe he's in a higher state of kaduc would you would you would would that be anybody's says if a couple's not fully undressed there's something that's hysteria takes away from the kaduca why because the kadusha of the physical experience is the fact that they're completely together that they're completely if you're not if you're not completely then you're doing something you're not are you're not in a state of experience you're maybe doing something you're getting a certain amount of pleasure. You're doing X, she's doing Y, but you're not completely together. It's not the kadusha of the marital experience of intimacy comes from the from the right. When a husband and wife are sitting and talking with each other, they're going for a walk. They're talking on the phone and they're not completely focused on each other. They're not. So the key to marital it doesn't start in the bedroom. A wife has to fully [clears throat] feel and again by the men and this is where we run into problems is by a man by a man he can feel a very powerful pleasurable experience in the bedroom and he's convinced that his marriage is on solid footing where for the women the women very often have a different perception. For a woman, her physical pleasure will be primarily triggered and driven by her sense of emotional openness. If a woman feels that she could be completely open, she'll be completely trusting to her husband where she's up to what she's feeling and she could express it and she's feeling completely in English the word they use today in therapy is vulnerable. So heard the word and experienced in therapy they encourage a person to be vulnerable. Why? Vulnerable means that I'm not hiding behind masks. I'm not hiding behind defenses, right? When a person goes to therapy, everybody's been around the block a few times. So, if you've ever been through therapy, you've been through the experience of letting yourself completely to be open without hiding behind excuses and masks and pretending to be who you're not. A husband and wife that have that experience with each other, they're hiding behind layers. If they're hiding behind layers, they're not they're not intimate with each other. That intimacy is not the hour, two hours, three hours, four hours a week that they're in the bedroom. It's not that does not define intimacy. Intimacy, my friends, is a 247 experience. It's a couple who's completely open with each other. It's a husband who's completely able to let down his guard and he's able to completely open up to his wife and more importantly he's able to completely listen to his wife, support her and allow her to be vulnerable, non-judgmental, complete vulnerability. When she's open in that way, that emotional vulnerability and openness and lack of hiding behind anything will then open her up in the bedroom. And a lot of times the ex the frustrations of a woman not being able to let herself go in the bedroom. A lot of that has nothing it's not a physical move. It's not it's not coming from a lack of being able to enjoy intimacy in the bedroom. Where it's coming from is a lack of vulnerability, a lack of being able being feeling safe to be vulnerable out of the bedroom. The key to physical intimacy is emotional vulnerability. intimate you see because again the the teeth guide behind it the lumbus so to speak behind it everything has lumbus right even intimacy maybe more than any other area maybe more than any other suggest of it is that since that's the essence of a human being a human being is not a physical body and a human being is also not his goals and ideas and aspirations who we are primarily is our emotions our feelings and our relationships that's who we It's true there's a higher part of a person that's called the nama with ideas, with goals, with intellectual, whatever. And there's also the lower part of a person which is the physical part of a person. But the glue that holds it all together. The essence of a human being is his emotions. It's his emotional world. And in a marriage, it's true. There's the fact that you met [clears throat] and you have, right? You share children, you share a lifestyle, and you share goals and hopes and dreams for the future. That's great. That's very important. You also have a very strong physical relationship, a husband and a wife, and that's wonderful and that's all important. [clears throat] But the part of marriage that defines the couple as one or not one being and not it's true, it's consummated in the bedroom, but the place where it really is is an emotional vulnerability. And that is usually the barometer of how you're doing in the bedroom is usually starts and it usually ends with what's going on in the arena of emotions. That's that's a that's a that I think really defines everything. I heard from Rabbi Elephant he always says it's a it's a strong says when a woman is not feeling that her husband is fully caring for her women become impossible. That's his that's his lion. I trust that at least a few of you know that experience, right? What it means that women they get aggravated and they're they're not they're not they don't feel safe and they don't feel comfortable and they where were you? What's going on? Right. What what makes women edgy and what makes them not be able to relax primarily? Like we said in the bedroom, this could of emotional vulnerability. A woman who's emotionally able to be open and safe and she's able to share her feelings with her husband and she feels like her husband is a thousand% clued in the most important thing in the world to him is hearing what's going on for her and where she's up to what she's feeling and so on and so forth that will open her up that that's that that creates a certain comfort level. We'll explain that more. There's a problem that we have survey talks about this all the time is that we know I'm sure you're familiar with the terms the same we just spoke about and go you can also speak about the same idea right there's above and there's below is called this concept is the moral and all the talk about all the whole world is based on this concept there's a relationship that's called mashia and mabu Mashia Mab is a husband and wife [clears throat] and husband and wife were created physically, biologically and also emotionally in that role. Women have a need to be vulnerable and they have a need for support. They have a need to be defined and protected by their husbands. Now came along 50 60 years a came along some very bright but not so bright people and they created what's called feminism. Now feminism doesn't doesn't affect our world obviously as much but there's one nuda that it affects this is probably the feminism the nuda of feminism is that us women right this was us women are going to be independent and we're going to be strong and we're going to be tough we're going to work our own careers we're not going to be chained to marriages that men to men that don't work for us and we're going to run our own lives now hasn't filled filtered down to us that a marriage is like disposable dishes. Our marriage is and our culture is that marriage is meant for keeps. Not just something that you it's not like your first house, you know, she'll make me a very good first wife. We don't we don't live with that. Same way, you know, you have your starter house, right? Then when you make a few bucks, you move on to something bigger and better. We we don't work that way with with wives. Marriage is for keeps the same way marriage is for net suck often. But one place where it's very much filtered down into our world is the fact that women no longer in our world in 2026 this is already 20 30 40 years old the women but in our also it's filtered down the women don't feel good about being vulnerable. That means most women today will tell themselves that the feeling of being reliant on their husbands for their emotional well-being is something they don't feel comfortable with. Where that's come from, it's come from the outside world. What's interesting is is that part of the experience, if you think about it, 100 years ago, right, in order to survive, you had to have muscles because you had to draw water from the well and you had to go out and you had to work. And life was totally who had the the the one with the muscles was the one who made life work. So the women were home. The women were home. The men were out there doing a hard day's work. And the men supported women. It was almost a natural thing that a woman felt supported and taken care of by a husband. He was out making panosa and she was home and she was dependent on what he would bring home. He would bring home a farmer would bring home whatever it is. He brought home flour and she would turn that into food. So she was dependent on him. And the the the say that the women of a hundred years ago the marital experience of a woman feeling open and vulnerable and they're in the role of being a macabul to a husband was natural. It's almost non-existent in our world. And for a woman to feel most of them over here is a young guy. So I'm telling you it takes years and years for women because it's not the natural state man for a woman to feel completely comfortable in the role of being completely vulnerable to a husband in the marital relationship takes years of work. I heard from somebody that what used to take we all familiar with the term sha what used to be sha takes now about 10 years. Why? because it's such a it's such a it's such a learning experience which 100 years ago was much more natural was much more natural. The women feeling vulnerable and open and being mablin to the husband being a mashia was much more of a natural state and because it was that way naturally in terms of pranosa and it was that way in terms of physical strength. It was that way in terms of emotions and then me it was automatically that way in the bedroom as well. Today's world so it's almost non-existent. So me it's a very learned experience but it's the only way marriage works. takes years and years and it takes a lot of patience from the men's side to work ourselves into that experience of being givers and allowing our wives to be completely open and completely vulnerable is a major major it's a metamorphosis taking two people that are independent today men and women are both independent women support themselves men support themselves to turn a marital experience into a success takes a certain amount of metamorphosis you have to take two people that are independent, you have to turn it into an experience where one where one party to the marriage feels able and feels comfortable and welcoming the fact that her emotional state is completely totally in her husband. the but the reality is still that way says she wrote this in a letter 75 80 years ago that what's important that she's everybody knows right women a wife will ask you four times how her looks what is she looking for what is she looking for she'll ask you how many times if the outfit fits if her lipstick is on right why because a woman needs needs to feel that she's desirable to her husband. She needs to feel emotionally like she could share everything with her husband. A woman, we all know the experience, right? Your wife has to tell you every single thing that happened today and then some. Why? And she needs you to listen and she needs you to be interested and she needs you tomorrow to remember every detail of what she told you the day before that. What what's the why do create it? And what's the purpose of it? And what's the pitfall if you're spacing out while she's telling you today and you forget tomorrow? The problem if you forget is that she's not completely being your approval and your attention and your interest and your desire. And when that's missing then that it will flow over if that if that's true on a conversational level that will flow over to the bedroom as well. That's a that's a that's a that's so this is this this is really the this is really the glue that holds marriage together. This idea that physical intimacy is a direct result of the emotional the emotional intimacy is the key to success in the physical part of marriage. That there's a lot of different problem. Let's uh >> create that if this is what it takes in order for it to be successful um intimately that the man is so the opposite of wanting to listen or wanting to I'm saying it's tremendous to sit and listen to all these like why you created that this is the world >> you know what let's let's let's let's go since really we're not discussing over here I didn't come in here tonight to discuss show bias and I had to listen to your wife's uh complaints and stories and how her day was right that's you know this was this was build as we're talking about interview so let's let's take that straight that's an excellent question let's take that straight to the bedroom why is it that the wrench created We're all familiar. The men created the physical world of passion in the bedroom. The women take a very long time to warm up and to get into it and to really feel the pleasure of it. It takes a long time for the women to get going. A man, you put him in the bedroom, close the door, close the light, whatever it is, two minutes later, he's good to go. In order for the experience to be successful, a man has to literally ignore his physical urges and he has to literally completely focus on giving pleasure to his wife. He has to open her up and he has to get her ready for the experience and it's a long and a lot of people get frustrated by it, right? It's an endless experience. When he's ready to go, he was ready to go an hour ago and it could be after 45 minutes all of a sudden you're ready and all of a sudden the baby cries in the next room. Go out, nurse, quiet, 15 minutes later start from scratch. Why did venam create that? So benam venam is a teaser. What does want? It's really the same question. And the answer to that is of course is that this is the arena in which a person achieves achieves the highest level of mid tis and kadusha possible. Kadusha is not the absence of physical passion. Kadusha is about being able to completely channel what you're feeling and what you want and what biologically created and this is the way human beings are wired and it's a created it in order to be able to completely focus on somebody else. It's a it's a incredibly powerful experience and when it's done right there's nothing more fulfilling. There's nothing more that fills a person with happiness when it's done wrong. Oh wow, there's nothing more miserable in the world than that. And that's why we live in a world full of misery because people don't get it. So [clears throat] the same thing is true on the emotional level. Created us with every single one of us has builtin is not about breaking yourself is about refining yourself. And the best arena for this avoid emotionally is out of the bedroom. And physically the best being able to bring kadusha into our physical world is not having long tanason and not go shell egg and not making sure that you only eat two slices instead of three slices. The best arena for creating kaduca in the physical world is when when a man is in the bedroom and he has to completely focus even though he's feeling what he's feeling. And it's a very strong powerful experience. And he has to completely focus on giving his wife pleasure and completely focus on what's feeling good for her right now. And during pregnancy and during nursing and what she felt last week is not what she feels this week and where she wants to be touched and where she want every step of the way, he has to completely focus on what's good for her. He has to completely check in by her even though it's feeling good for him. Right? the ability to completely focus on somebody else is the pathway to that's really the answer to the question. There's no it's not it's not a simple it's not a it's not a simple fix but there's nothing like it. It's you know I'm waiting to hear a question from somebody else. Questions are good. Anybody? What is is what I'm saying sitting right by people? Huh? Now again, of course, the reason why like I I think this really underscores that the reason why the reven created men and women so different biologically and emotionally and spiritually is in order. How's the expression go? Similarities bring us together, right? You you met your wife the first time. What brought you together were the similarities. You know, we really share a lot in common. We have a similar way of looking at things. We talk to each other. I start the sentence, you finish it, right? There's a certain shared experience, a certain shared identity. But differences is what makes two people grow. the husband and wife. The same way the physical experience is very that the actual physical experience of intimacy is about friction between two people. There's a physical friction. The part that makes the exper the passion of marriage comes from the friction between two people. That's really what makes the emotional growing also. It's really it's really the same on every level. There's a spiritual friction, right? He has his spiritual needs, she has her spiritual needs. the balancing them and turning them to one mitz that's what creates it's true emotionally it's true physically also the same thing now it's important again we could go through if wants we could go through again I think we've really mentioned a few of the but the fact that there's so much difference and about how men respond and how women respond it just underscores how much avoid there is in being completely focused on a is you know there's the famous like we said about women warming up very slowly but the devel says that women and men are to one of the women are like crockpots and men are like microwaves you one huh a man you just press the button and he's good to go a woman is is is a longterm thing everybody understands a microwave the food doesn't taste like heaps right there something artificial in the taste The deter is we hold on to the experience and it has to cook and it has to cook and it has to cook. When it happens it's real and it's much more lasting much more lasting. There's nothing like it. If the venture would leave us men to our own devices, right? So the physical experience would be quick and it would be it would be over very quickly. It wouldn't come with a lot of sim. It wouldn't it wouldn't provide a quarter of the satisfaction that it provides [clears throat] when you're completely focused on your wife's needs. It's a whole different it's a whole different experience, whole different story. Now we'll just maybe talk about something else as well and maybe a little bit more uh the pro the same way we discussed that there's three parts of a person there's the nama level of a person there's the emotional part of the person and there's the physical part of the person the actual experience in the bedroom really is composed of three parts as well. We'll call it what we'll call and then we'll explain a little bit. You don't really have to explain that much but just to to understand use is a famous gar that discusses these things. One of the demoras is in Shabas give marital advice over there what you call in about 10 words and you have to be to be able to open it up and that's why these things what's written is what's written like and what's given over mid understanding what makes a Jewish marriage flourish and grow and last and thrive is balp it's given over balp Now the ter is is that a lot of the experience of is the ability to ask questions is not what's written. There's no black and white is black and white in this area of what gives a couple passion and what makes them feel fulfilled and what makes them feel good and what brings them together and what holds the glue and the feeling together as the years go by. Sometimes you have to be able to tell yourself that you need advice. You have to look to go somebody outside if it's by definition you have to ask. I'm telling you it's a very interesting thing because gives marital gives the basic framework of the touching [snorts] in the leadup to the actual act itself in maybe 10 words. You could look over there you wouldn't understand anything. I don't I don't know what the art school does over there. I haven't looked at it. Well, you know, not literally 10 words, but in the actual you could write books and books, right? You could talk for hours about it and everybody's experience is going to be different and a lot of the experience is based on and again could be different experience. You could have a different experience every two months and you have to be ready for that. That's what life is all about. It's always in the flow. But the three madregas that we just spoke about is in the bedroom itself. beers. What the calls puse words you understand is more only a person who has an speaks right person called primarily the idea that a person is an a soul is is defined by the word. So when we talk about the marital relationship what defines a husband and a wife as connecting on an isama level is they're talking to each other. There is no such thing as intimacy in the bedroom without a couple talking to each other. Talking means talking in a real way. And it means talking in the bedroom. And it means sharing. And it means a wife feeling like she's able to talk herself out to her husband as much time as she needs. And before you really get passionate if a if a wife has all sorts of things, you'll notice that a woman will not be able to relax in the bedroom if she has a bunch of things that went on that day that she didn't feel she told her husband. And the husband's thing is, "Look, I have it I have to go to work tomorrow. It's it's 12:30 at night already. Before we turn around, it's going to turn to 2 o'clock. You want to talk for 45 minutes and I'd love to hear everything you have to say, but maybe we could leave the talking for tomorrow." And well, let's do this. It's nice and peaceful. Familiar what I'm talking about. I see a few smiles at least, right? But I think most of us families this. We'll talk tomorrow. Nothing personal. We'll talk tomorrow. But tonight, right, tonight we're here. Let's make it work. And the reason why a woman literally cannot do that is because the way she has to [clears throat] go into the experience is she has to be connected on a soul level. Women, there's no shortcuts because there's no with women. Only the men have a so as far as the women are concerned. They have to talk. They have to connect and they have to feel. And their husband has to support everything they're saying. And he has to tell her with nice words and it has to be loving and he has to care and he has to tell her and he has to tell her how much he loves her and appreciates right there's the actual talking sharing of the day and then there's the talking which is more leading into the bedroom more passionate type of talking and that's a necessary prerequisite that's level one level two is what kazal call after peazal call it primarily expresses the emotions You can do it without words. It comes with words. But uses more. The reason why he uses the mouth is because by definition feelings are expressed verbally. So is also something that's used that uses that part of the body. But what it does is it connects two people emotionally. And that's again that's step two. So step one we'll call step two we'll call. Step three is already the physical part of a person but it's the physical part of a person which is to be and that's what kazal called the mish cuz I'll define this again a few words in the garra they call this the mish which means the touch that's necessary in order to stimulate the passion that's necessary in order to bring the couple together in the optimal physical desire dick away in order to stimulate that to stimulate that desire There has to be touch that touch is a product of the is a product of the pe and the pe which is the passionate talk the loving talk between a couple is an expression or it's of the talk outside of the bedroom. So step one, in order for a couple to successfully keep the passion and the feeling alive in the bedroom, the talking outside the bedroom has to be loving and it has to be vulnerable and it has to be open and it has to be sharing as much time as much as she needs. That's going to be necessary prerequisite. A B is going into the bedroom. The talking over there obviously has a different level of intensity, a different level of passion. That's going to be step two. Step three is going to be is also related to the but that will [snorts] then be expressed in a way that only a husband and wife can express with each other. That's that's that step four is the mish which hands represent the kayak of a person is already the physical part of a person and then level five which will be also four if you look in there's five levels of a person what we just described on a level is really five different stages of human development like a person we connect to the we right so on a normal day we only have three shakas shabas you have say you have four I'm going through this very quickly you have four because you're on a high and more connected level you have which is the helix the day of the year when you completely you have five so a couple who like we said the only time you can go is really the same idea in order for a couple to have a really successful gizonta passionate experience has to be Five levels of you're talking outside the bedroom. You're talking inside the bedroom. The physical touch that stimulates desire and then the actual the actual togetherness of the physical self of the actual physical bodies. That's really a a summary of what this is. So you see by the way the more we talk the more analogies we can bring out. Oh wow literally. Okay. Um, so I think we'll call it here for now. Could always, there's always more to flesh out, but I think what you're hearing is how much a good marriage, we're not malleable in the strongness of the physical experience of marriage. It's not the Yiddish way. We encourage it and we want it and it's the glue that holds together a happy healthy marriage. And that happy happy healthy marriage. I always when whenever people talk to me, whenever couples talk to me with kids, I always want to know if there's something communication that's not going over to the kids, I always want to know where's it coming from. And I usually find after poking a little bit, that's usually has something to do with some lack in the bedroom. Why? Because when there's an electric current between a couple and there's passion and there's feeling and it's alive and it's full of vigor and energy usually that creates an atmosphere outside the bedroom. It creates an atmosphere outside the bedroom. The children are being raised in a happy home that's full of the feeling that's there. the the the the energy that fills the walls of a Yiddish home and it creates a happy environment in which good kids are brought up is the passion that a couple has. That passion obviously is created in the bedroom. But in order paradoxically in order to create that atmosphere in the bedroom, it starts outside the bedroom. And when a couple has that level of communication and vulnerability and openness out and passion outside the bedroom, that carries over in the bedroom. And when that energy and electricity is there in the bedroom, outside the bedroom, the home's a different home. Wish you all to build your homes, to build your marriages, and to build every one of our homes into a place [clears throat] where the reven is welcome on every single level.