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Rabbi Yosef Greenwald Shovavim - Marriage The connection between the physical and emotional
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Oh,
>> okay. Good talk everybody.
for joining for coming.
Obviously, what's
paradoxical, we talk about a we're
talking about something we speak about
[clears throat]
and there's no subject
that should be discussed
as privately
as intimacy in marriage. Even though
it's really the bedrock of marriage and
there's no subject that should be
discussed in public as much as marriage
but intimacy is the private part of
marriage and generally speaking we
discuss and working on this when we're
talking about something private
generally we would speak about it. So
obviously we're going to we'll try to
speak in a way that
and I'll point out one thing as a
disclaimer. There'll be questions and I
invite the to ask questions
[clears throat] a thousand%. There's two
types of questions. There are questions
that are in general and there are qu and
those questions [clears throat]
there are questions that are maybe to
one person specifically and maybe those
questions are better
after this but all questions are welcome
and that that's the way it should be in
the context of bringing out the point
that intimacy in marriage is something
that's it has to be discussed and it has
to be clarified and there's No more area
of life that needs a more clearer
perspective and whatever you want to
call it. At the same time it's private
I'll be like we would [clears throat]
say oh maybe it's not something to
discuss for
something interesting it's a that most
people don't know it's a puk that's well
hidden in
the in
talks about the different parts of the
bdosh
and the code name for the
is called the
now watch what happens here's The besa
mikdash. The besa mdash is a mo of it's
a place where and meet up. And there's
three parts of the mea mdash. We'll
break down the mea mikdash into three
parts. There's a kz as you know is the
place where all of gathered on yam. It's
a place of public. It's a place of
togetherness. It's a place where
everybody was there together.
Everybody's invited.
There's a place called further in that's
called the only were allowed to go in.
That's where the went into
and so on. The place that's furthest
inside
nobody could walk in except for the
except for the once a year after the
proper
requisite is could go in once a year and
he could only go in a you know a very
specific type of state.
>> [clears throat]
>> A home, a Jewish home, we talk about
Shay, we talk about the kadusha of
marriage really has three parts. There's
three parts in every Jewish home. We'll
call in the house, we'll call the front
room, the dining room, that's the place
we'd have a purum with 30 guys hanging
out,
noise, laughter, family, everybody's
invited, right?
You make a play, right?
Everybody's invited. open public the
place in the house is a little bit more
private the kitchen right the rabbitson
is working inside the snoot it's not so
official you go in your shirt you know
it's not so the place in a home that's
private of course is the bedroom the
place in the place in the mdash that's
private is called the
what that means to say is is that the
same way that private place in the bdash
is not kaidesh but it's kaidesh kashim
in a marriage [snorts] the bedroom even
though all the parts of the home are
important and you have to have
everything running properly the place
that holds it all together and the place
that's the sherish of everything and the
place where there's the real glue that
holds a marriage together and holds a
family together and really is the
of
Kazal you look at Rashi on that Rashi
says specifically that's going on the
intimate relationship between husband
and wife has it has everything to do
with the vibes at home the mood at home
the midas at home the relationship but
primarily the place that's called
is in the bedroom so that's as
now
I would be magd
that when we're talking about what is
the purpose of why the rebum created
this intimate relationship.
So hard to understand exactly how that
should be the kadesh of the Jewish
marriage. But if we understand that it
takes the most work and the most working
on oneself in order to make that part of
the marriage really work, we can
understand why that's
because that's what makes what the calls
impassious. When the terror created the
terror uses the terminology,
the terror defines a marriage in the
intimate sense. What's
the two of them seem to be serious?
Which means that we're going to have to
look a little bit deeper. Rash on the
one hand says
means what? What's
she says? It means two people, right?
You have a husband, you have a wife. You
have a a moi and you have a Miriam. You
have a Yankee and you have a nest. Put
them together. Two different people.
What's one? The one of a marriage is the
children that the marriage produces.
That's
okay. Good. I understand. Means that a
baby's born, right? The baby, everybody
looks at the baby and says, "Oh, it has
his ears and her smile, his nose and her
hair." Right? So there's a him and a
her. That's
they're two people, but they produce
one. Okay? That's one. The other is
means
the fact that they have a physical
intimate relationship. They become one.
That's what Rashi says. Now what always
bothered me about these two is they seem
to be mysterious
when we talk about
in the sense of children is not the
person themselves children is your
future it's your nitis it's what you
know even after you leave this world
after 80 90 100 years you leave behind
children grandchildren
great-grandchildren that's a person's
posterity that's a person's future
is in the here and now the physical
relationship between a husband and wife
is very in the moment it's very
physical. It's very pleasurable and it's
very in the moment. How did those two
[clears throat]
is like
and is very in the here and now? And the
answer is it's one and the same. In
order to make a marriage work, the
intimate part of marriage has to work
because that's the glue.
Means they plead to each other like
glue. What takes two different people
and glues them together into one that
sees? How do you take dimension created
in maton? You have two people, two very
different perspectives on life, two
different personalities. There's a the
fact that men and women are completely
are wired completely differently. Men
are from which planet is it? Mars.
>> Mars.
>> Mars, right? The women are from Venus. I
always get that mixed up. The men with a
ve with a V. Men are from men. Men are
from Mars and women are from Venus. It's
true. men and women are wired completely
totally different and is the fact that
they come from two different families.
He's from fore and she's from the other
side of my like two different two
different worlds. And if he's from
Lakewood and she's from my is even
worse. They're from two different
worlds. And if she's from Toronto and
she's from forget it, you're you're in
deep trouble. Two different two totally
different people. Two totally different
backgrounds. totally different ways
perspectives of life. How do you take
two people and [clears throat] turn them
into one into one
is means literally the physical
relationship between a husband and wife
creates one reality. So that's why it's
because you're taking the purpose of all
of the creating the world is to take
different things that don't fit together
and to turn them into one. We live in
and we bring shim down, right? That's
what mitzvah is all about.
He's from one world, she's from another
world. To make that into one mitz,
there's nothing like it.
We're
in our world are we? We're in our
marriages. When we
at that moment of physical intimacy,
that's when a husband and wife are
because that's when they become. Okay,
that's all inspiration and it's all
true. Now the shall is what makes it
work. What makes it work? Everybody
understands it's not so it's complicated
because so let's discuss a few of the uh
few of the nudis in order to make this
part of marriage in order to make the
glue that holds a marriage together work
better.
My wife
who's a has a perspective as a as a
therapist and as a college teacher
coined a very nice way of discussing
what we call intimacy. He says intimacy
is similar to saying the words into me
you see. I'll explain to you what that
means. Yeah. Intimacy if you say that
slowly is into me you see. What that
means is as follows.
On the one hand,
the part of marriage that we're
discussing now, it's very physical, very
pleasurable, and it's the most powerful
drive that a person has in his in his
physical world more than eating and more
than more than any other physical drive.
[clears throat] And the rebel will
create that way. The desire for this
part of life is very strong because the
revenu wants it to be strong. Rebum
wants the passion to be there. The
revenge wants the drive to be there. The
rebum wants the ty to be there. It's a
but it was created in order to be
channeled into what? Into the mits of
intimacy. I'll explain to you what I
mean. We think of a marriage as a
relationship that has to work. It has to
work seven days a week, 24 hours a day.
It means the finances. is it means
sharing the car. It means the mortgage.
It means the kids. It means diapers. It
means getting up at night. Where you're
going for Shabas, what you're serving
for lunch million different parts. It
also means talking. It means sharing
time. It means laughing. It means having
somebody to share your day with. And it
means somebody having somebody to open
up to and somebody to somebody shoulder
to cry on. All the other parts of
marriage. And it also means of course
two people that have a lot of pleasure
being very close together physically for
sure. But lisa
on the one we're all composed all us
human beings are composed of two parts.
There's the of a person of a person
[clears throat] in marriage we'll call
the fact that a husband and wife right
in our world when a husband and wife get
to know each other. Where do they get to
know each other? You you're out dating
and you discuss goals and aspirations.
You see personalities and you see if
there's a if there's a if there's a mash
but the mashik is very much on an level
on a soulmate level right you talk and
you see if you have open communication
that's on the one hand on the other hand
the physical relationship with marriage
doesn't start to laugh to the right it's
clear
level with a physical level
[clears throat] where do they meet it's
almost as if there's two there's Two
things going on in marriage. Before a
marriage, a husband and wife get to know
each other. They're getting to know each
other on an level. After they get
married, right, the the most powerful
part of the marriage is the physical
part of marriage. Hands down. That's the
way it is. Where do those two meet up?
[clears throat] There's something in the
middle. All the far talk about this. A
human being is a mama.
A human being is a go, right? We're all
physical beings and we're all shamika
beings. We all recognize that. We're all
in sync with that, right? We feed
ourselves mitzvah that's feeding one
part of ourselves. We feed ourselves a
good night's sleep, three square meals a
day.
We're feeding the physical parts of
ourel. What's the glue that holds the
two parts of a human being together?
Again, I want I want I want them to
think with me. If we say that a human
being is two parts and those two parts
are diametrically opposite,
[clears throat]
>> a human being is on the one hand a
thinking,
idealistic,
ideabbased, valuebased, goal-driven
person. One, a human being is a physical
being with physical needs that he shares
in common with everything else in the
animal kingdom. How do those two good go
together? What's the glue that connects
the two parts of a person? Is that with
me? This is a this is a question that
has plagued human beings for hundreds
and hundreds and hundreds of years. What
defines the glue or that holds a human
being together? If a human being is if
aided, a human being, whatever you want
to call is and what's the glue that
holds those two parts together?
Hold. I'm willing to take suggestions.
[clears throat]
Are we rni? Are we gashmi? Are we souls
or are we bodies?
What does a soul and a body have to do
in common with each other? The place in
between, the glue that holds the two
together, my my friends, is feelings.
A human being is a mind, his goals, his
ideas. A human being is a body with very
physical needs. The part that holds the
part two parts of human being together
is the emotional world. And this ra is
the of marriage. And when we talk about
intimacy,
there's going to be a
there's going to be a prerequisite that
in order for the physical part of of
marriage to work properly, in order for
it to have to hold on to its passion and
its feeling and in order to give it the
satisfaction for both parts of the
marriage, for the husband and the wife,
that's necessary in order to make to
take a good marriage and to turn it into
a great marriage or to learn marriage
which after a while could get a little
bit stale. Everybody knows that get a
little bit boring and a little bit not
exciting. In order to keep that
excitement and the passion and the
feeling alive for many many years
in order to combine those two theor of
the marriage should remember this theor
of the marriage is the emotional world.
Now us men have a revol in his that was
that was written to give
he calls this
you know what that means that means a
very strong bribery he says what happens
is you have a guy going to a marriage
and he wasn't sure what to expect
marriage is wonderful it's very
pleasurable the experience couple gets
married young couple they have time
together And it's you know especially
the intimate part of life is very
powerful very pleasurable.
[clears throat] So says a guy could not
even that his marriage is not even doing
well because as far as he's concerned
everything was wonderful last night. But
says she could be in a totally different
place. I'll explain to you where what
what he's trying to point out. Boba is
trying to educate that by the men
the physical part of marriage has a life
unto its own. The mashik and the passion
could have a life unto its own. The
women are primarily wired and this is
with what the I gave is that this is
really the glue that holds marriage
together because it's really the glue
that holds us human beings together. The
same way a human being is thoughts and a
human being is physical. He's an asham
and a goof. But what holds an asham and
a goof together is emotion. Emotions are
between. Emotions are the in between
that holds the human being totally
together. In a marriage as well, a
couple gets married. Before they get
married, they agree to marry based on
compatibility, based on ideas, based on
shared aspirations. They get together.
[clears throat] Alice is the strongest
experience of marriage because of course
the bedroom is intimacy.
At the same time, what drives the
marriage and what holds the marriage
together is the feelings. Emotional
intimacy is really the key to good and
happy and longlasting and satisfying
physical intimacy. And that's why I gave
the that the word intimacy is not
intimacy is not an act that's done once,
twice, three times a week, whatever it
is. Intimacy is a state of connection
between two people.
which you could describe with the word
into me. You see, when two people, I'll
describe what it looks like. When two
people are completely open with each
other, when a husband comes home and he
shares part of his day and the wife, for
whatever reason, doesn't feel
comfortable sharing her day and they're
distracted and they don't fully talk to
each other for whatever reason. They're
busy. Technology
just there's a million things going on
and he's not really sharing what's
really going on emotionally for him with
her and she doesn't feel comfortable.
She doesn't feel like he's totally
plugged in. She doesn't feel like he's
really getting it. She doesn't feel like
he's really accepting her, not judging
her and really there to support her
emotionally. Then the emotional
connection is not intimate. You see,
it's not intimate. Intimacy means
completely
and the same way I'll go a step further.
The same way the you would think that
this is maybe marriage [clears throat]
advice from a therapist right
I'll be explicit with for a moment
says that a person who's
wearing any type of clothing it's it's a
steer to the experience. Why? Because
means the couple is completely
physically together. Nothing is dividing
them. Clothing on means that there's
something blocking you from the outside.
When a couple's together, they're
supposed to be completely undressed.
Why? Because they're [clears throat]
supposed to be completely.
If a husband and a wife communicate and
they're sharing their day and there's
other stuff going on, he's checking his
phone. She's picking up the phone to
this one. He's thinking about something
else. She's distracted. We live in a
very distracted world. And when we live
in a distracted state, there's other
stuff going on. It It's almost as if
I'll be a little bit blunt. It's almost
as if
the same way if a couple is says that
it's actually the you think not that
way. You think maybe person would have
on a few articles of clothing so he's
less exposed. Maybe he's in a higher
state of kaduc
would you would you would would that be
anybody's
says if a couple's not fully undressed
there's something that's hysteria takes
away from the kaduca why because the
kadusha of the physical experience is
the fact that they're completely
together that they're completely
if you're not if you're not completely
then you're doing something you're not
are you're not in a state of experience
you're maybe doing something you're
getting a certain amount of pleasure.
You're doing X, she's doing Y, but
you're not completely together. It's not
the kadusha of the marital experience of
intimacy comes from the from the right.
When a husband and wife are sitting and
talking with each other, they're going
for a walk. They're talking on the phone
and they're not completely focused on
each other. They're not.
So the key to marital
it doesn't start in the bedroom. A wife
has to fully [clears throat] feel and
again by the men and this is where we
run into problems is by a man by a man
he can feel a very powerful pleasurable
experience in the bedroom and he's
convinced that his marriage is on solid
footing where for the women the women
very often have a different perception.
For a woman, her physical
pleasure will be primarily triggered and
driven by her sense of emotional
openness. If a woman feels that she
could be completely open, she'll be
completely trusting to her husband where
she's up to what she's feeling and she
could express it and she's feeling
completely in English the word they use
today in therapy is vulnerable. So heard
the word and experienced in therapy they
encourage a person to be vulnerable.
Why? Vulnerable means that I'm not
hiding behind masks. I'm not hiding
behind defenses, right? When a person
goes to therapy, everybody's been around
the block a few times. So, if you've
ever been through therapy, you've been
through the experience of letting
yourself completely to be open without
hiding behind excuses and masks and
pretending to be who you're not. A
husband and wife that have that
experience with each other, they're
hiding behind layers. If they're hiding
behind layers, they're not they're not
intimate with each other. That intimacy
is not the hour, two hours, three hours,
four hours a week that they're in the
bedroom. It's not that does not define
intimacy. Intimacy, my friends, is a 247
experience. It's a couple who's
completely open with each other. It's a
husband who's completely able to let
down his guard and he's able to
completely open up to his wife and more
importantly he's able to completely
listen to his wife, support her and
allow her to be vulnerable,
non-judgmental, complete vulnerability.
When she's open in that way, that
emotional vulnerability and openness and
lack of hiding behind anything will then
open her up in the bedroom. And a lot of
times the ex the frustrations of a woman
not being able to let herself go in the
bedroom.
A lot of that has nothing it's not a
physical move. It's not it's not coming
from a lack of being able to enjoy
intimacy in the bedroom. Where it's
coming from is a lack of vulnerability,
a lack of being able being feeling safe
to be vulnerable out of the bedroom.
The key to physical intimacy is
emotional vulnerability.
intimate you see because again the the
teeth guide behind it the lumbus so to
speak behind it everything has lumbus
right even intimacy maybe more than any
other area maybe more than any other
suggest
of it is that since that's the essence
of a human being a human being is not a
physical body and a human being is also
not his goals and ideas and aspirations
who we are primarily is our emotions our
feelings and our relationships that's
who we It's true there's a higher part
of a person that's called the nama with
ideas, with goals, with intellectual,
whatever. And there's also the lower
part of a person which is the physical
part of a person. But the glue that
holds it all together. The essence of a
human being is his emotions. It's his
emotional world. And in a marriage, it's
true. There's the fact that you met
[clears throat] and you have, right? You
share children, you share a lifestyle,
and you share goals and hopes and dreams
for the future. That's great. That's
very important. You also have a very
strong physical relationship, a husband
and a wife, and that's wonderful and
that's all important. [clears throat]
But the part of marriage that defines
the couple as one or not one being and
not it's true, it's consummated in the
bedroom, but the place where it really
is is an emotional vulnerability. And
that is usually the barometer of how
you're doing in the bedroom is usually
starts and it usually ends with what's
going on in the arena of emotions.
That's that's a that's a that I think
really defines everything. I heard from
Rabbi Elephant
he always says it's a it's a strong says
when a woman is not feeling that her
husband is fully caring for her women
become impossible. That's his that's his
lion. I trust that at least a few of you
know that experience, right? What it
means that women they get aggravated and
they're they're not they're not they
don't feel safe and they don't feel
comfortable and they where were you?
What's going on? Right. What what makes
women edgy and what makes them not be
able to relax primarily? Like we said in
the bedroom,
this could of emotional vulnerability. A
woman who's emotionally able to be open
and safe and she's able to share her
feelings with her husband and she feels
like her husband is a thousand% clued in
the most important thing in the world to
him is hearing what's going on for her
and where she's up to what she's feeling
and so on and so forth that will open
her up that that's that that creates a
certain comfort level.
We'll explain that more. There's a
problem that we have survey talks about
this all the time is that we know I'm
sure you're familiar with the terms the
same we just spoke about and go you can
also speak about the same idea right
there's above and there's below
is called this concept is the moral and
all the talk about all the whole world
is based on this concept there's a
relationship that's called mashia and
mabu
Mashia Mab is a husband and wife
[clears throat] and husband and wife
were created physically, biologically
and also emotionally in that role. Women
have a need to be vulnerable and they
have a need for support. They have a
need to be defined and protected by
their husbands. Now came along 50 60
years a came along some very bright but
not so bright people and they created
what's called feminism.
Now feminism doesn't doesn't affect our
world obviously as much but there's one
nuda that it affects this is probably
the feminism
the nuda of feminism is that us women
right this was us women are going to be
independent and we're going to be strong
and we're going to be tough we're going
to work our own careers we're not going
to be chained to marriages that men to
men that don't work for us and we're
going to run our own lives now hasn't
filled filtered down to us that a
marriage is like disposable dishes. Our
marriage is and our culture is that
marriage is meant for keeps. Not just
something that you it's not like your
first house, you know, she'll make me a
very good first wife. We don't we don't
live with that. Same way, you know, you
have your starter house, right? Then
when you make a few bucks, you move on
to something bigger and better. We we
don't work that way with with wives.
Marriage is for keeps the same way
marriage is for net suck often. But one
place where it's very much filtered down
into our world is the fact that women no
longer in our world in 2026 this is
already 20 30 40 years old the women but
in our also it's filtered down the women
don't feel good about being vulnerable.
That means most women today will tell
themselves that the feeling of being
reliant on their husbands for their
emotional well-being is something they
don't feel comfortable with. Where
that's come from, it's come from the
outside world. What's interesting is is
that part of the experience, if you
think about it, 100 years ago, right, in
order to survive, you had to have
muscles because you had to draw water
from the well and you had to go out and
you had to work. And life was totally
who had the the the one with the muscles
was the one who made life work. So the
women were home. The women were home.
The men were out there doing a hard
day's work. And the men supported women.
It was almost a natural thing that a
woman felt supported and taken care of
by a husband. He was out making
panosa and she was home and she was
dependent on what he would bring home.
He would bring home a farmer would bring
home whatever it is. He brought home
flour and she would turn that into food.
So she was dependent on him. And the the
the
say
that the women of a hundred years ago
the marital experience of a woman
feeling open and vulnerable and they're
in the role of being a macabul to a
husband was natural. It's almost
non-existent in our world. And for a
woman to feel most of them over here is
a young guy.
So I'm telling you it takes years and
years for women because it's not the
natural state man for a woman to feel
completely comfortable in the role of
being completely vulnerable to a husband
in the marital relationship takes years
of work. I heard from somebody that what
used to take we all familiar with the
term sha what used to be sha takes now
about 10 years.
Why? because it's such a it's such a
it's such a learning experience
which 100 years ago was much more
natural was much more natural. The women
feeling vulnerable and open and being
mablin to the husband being a mashia was
much more of a natural state and because
it was that way naturally
in terms of pranosa and it was that way
in terms of physical strength. It was
that way in terms of emotions and then
me it was automatically that way in the
bedroom as well. Today's world so it's
almost non-existent. So me it's a very
learned experience but it's the only way
marriage works. takes years and years
and it takes a lot of patience from the
men's side to
work ourselves into that experience of
being givers and allowing our wives to
be completely open and completely
vulnerable is a major major it's a
metamorphosis taking two people that are
independent today men and women are both
independent women support themselves men
support themselves to turn a marital
experience into a success takes a
certain amount of metamorphosis you have
to take two people that are independent,
you have to turn it into an experience
where one where one party to the
marriage feels able and feels
comfortable and welcoming the fact that
her emotional state is completely
totally in her husband. the but the
reality is still that way says she wrote
this in a letter 75 80 years ago
that what's important that she's
everybody knows right women a wife will
ask you four times how her looks what is
she looking for what is she looking for
she'll ask you
how many times if the outfit fits if her
lipstick is on right why because a woman
needs needs to feel that she's desirable
to her husband. She needs to feel
emotionally like she could share
everything with her husband. A woman, we
all know the experience, right? Your
wife has to tell you every single thing
that happened today and then some. Why?
And she needs you to listen and she
needs you to be interested and she needs
you tomorrow to remember every detail of
what she told you the day before that.
What what's the why do create it? And
what's the purpose of it? And what's the
pitfall if you're spacing out while
she's telling you today and you forget
tomorrow?
The problem if you forget is that she's
not completely being your approval and
your attention and your interest and
your desire. And when that's missing
then that it will flow over if that if
that's true on a conversational level
that will flow over to the bedroom as
well. That's a that's a that's a that's
so this is this this is really the
this is really the glue that holds
marriage together. This idea that
physical intimacy is a direct result of
the emotional the emotional intimacy is
the key to success in the physical part
of marriage.
That there's a lot of different problem.
Let's uh
>> create that if this is what it takes in
order for it to be successful um
intimately that the man is so the
opposite of wanting to listen or wanting
to I'm saying it's tremendous to sit and
listen to all these like why you created
that this is the world
>> you know what let's let's let's let's go
since really we're not discussing over
here I didn't come in here tonight to
discuss show bias and I had to listen to
your wife's uh complaints and stories
and how her day was right that's you
know this was this was build as we're
talking about interview so let's let's
take that straight that's an excellent
question let's take that straight to the
bedroom why is it that the wrench
created We're all familiar. The men
created the physical world of passion in
the bedroom. The women take a very long
time to warm up and to get into it and
to really feel the pleasure of it. It
takes a long time for the women to get
going. A man, you put him in the
bedroom, close the door, close the
light, whatever it is, two minutes
later, he's good to go. In order for the
experience to be successful, a man has
to literally ignore his physical urges
and he has to literally completely focus
on giving pleasure to his wife. He has
to open her up and he has to get her
ready for the experience and it's a long
and a lot of people get frustrated by
it, right? It's an endless experience.
When he's ready to go, he was ready to
go an hour ago and it could be after 45
minutes all of a sudden you're ready and
all of a sudden the baby cries in the
next room. Go out, nurse, quiet, 15
minutes later start from scratch. Why
did venam create that? So benam venam is
a teaser. What does want?
It's really the same question. And the
answer to that is of course is that this
is the arena in which a person achieves
achieves the highest level of mid tis
and kadusha possible. Kadusha is not the
absence of physical passion. Kadusha is
about being able to completely channel
what you're feeling and what you want
and what biologically created and this
is the way human beings are wired and
it's a
created it in order to be able to
completely focus on somebody else. It's
a it's a incredibly powerful experience
and when it's done right there's nothing
more fulfilling. There's nothing more
that fills a person with happiness when
it's done wrong. Oh wow, there's nothing
more miserable in the world than that.
And that's why we live in a world full
of misery because people don't get it.
So [clears throat] the same thing is
true on the emotional level. Created us
with every single one of us has builtin
is not about breaking yourself is about
refining yourself. And the best arena
for this avoid emotionally is out of the
bedroom. And physically the best being
able to bring kadusha into our physical
world is not having long tanason and not
go shell egg and not making sure that
you only eat two slices instead of three
slices. The best arena for creating
kaduca in the physical world is when
when a man is in the bedroom and he has
to completely focus even though he's
feeling what he's feeling. And it's a
very strong powerful experience. And he
has to completely focus on giving his
wife pleasure and completely focus on
what's feeling good for her right now.
And during pregnancy and during nursing
and what she felt last week is not what
she feels this week and where she wants
to be touched and where she want every
step of the way, he has to completely
focus on what's good for her. He has to
completely check in by her even though
it's feeling good for him. Right? the
ability to completely focus on somebody
else is the pathway to that's really the
answer to the question. There's no it's
not it's not a simple it's not a it's
not a simple fix but there's nothing
like it. It's
you know
I'm waiting to hear a question from
somebody else. Questions are good.
Anybody?
What is is what I'm saying sitting right
by people? Huh?
Now again, of course, the reason why
like I I think this really underscores
that the reason why the reven created
men and women so different biologically
and emotionally and spiritually is in
order. How's the expression go?
Similarities bring us together, right?
You you met your wife the first time.
What brought you together were the
similarities. You know, we really share
a lot in common. We have a similar way
of looking at things. We talk to each
other. I start the sentence, you finish
it, right? There's a certain shared
experience, a certain shared identity.
But differences is what makes two people
grow.
the husband and wife. The same way the
physical experience is very that the
actual physical experience of intimacy
is about friction between two people.
There's a physical friction. The part
that makes the exper the passion of
marriage comes from the friction between
two people. That's really what makes the
emotional growing also. It's really it's
really the same on every level. There's
a spiritual friction, right? He has his
spiritual needs, she has her spiritual
needs. the balancing them and turning
them to one mitz that's what creates
it's true emotionally it's true
physically also the same thing now it's
important again we could go through if
wants we could go through again I think
we've really mentioned a few of the but
the fact that there's so much difference
and about how men respond and how women
respond it just underscores how much
avoid there is in being completely
focused on a
is you know there's the famous like we
said about women warming up very slowly
but the devel says that women and men
are to one of the women are like
crockpots and men are like microwaves
you one huh a man you just press the
button and he's good to go a woman is is
is a longterm thing everybody
understands a microwave the food doesn't
taste like heaps right
there something artificial in the taste
The deter is we hold on to the
experience and it has to cook and it has
to cook and it has to cook. When it
happens it's real and it's much more
lasting much more lasting. There's
nothing like it. If the venture would
leave us men to our own devices, right?
So the physical experience would be
quick and it would be it would be over
very quickly. It wouldn't come with a
lot of sim. It wouldn't it wouldn't
provide a quarter of the satisfaction
that it provides [clears throat] when
you're completely focused on your wife's
needs. It's a whole different it's a
whole different experience, whole
different story.
Now we'll just maybe talk about
something else as well
and maybe a little bit more uh the pro
the same way we discussed that there's
three parts of a person there's the nama
level of a person there's the emotional
part of the person and there's the
physical part of the person the actual
experience in the bedroom really is
composed of three parts as well.
We'll call it
what we'll call and then we'll explain a
little bit. You don't really have to
explain that much but just to to
understand
use is a famous gar that discusses these
things. One of the demoras is in Shabas
give marital advice over there what you
call in about 10 words and you have to
be to be able to open it up and that's
why these things what's written is
what's written like
and what's given over mid understanding
what makes a Jewish marriage flourish
and grow and last and thrive is balp
it's given over balp Now the ter is is
that a lot of the experience of
is the ability to ask questions
is not what's written. There's no black
and white is black and white in this
area of what gives a couple passion and
what makes them feel fulfilled and what
makes them feel good and what brings
them together and what holds the glue
and the feeling together as the years go
by. Sometimes you have to be able to
tell yourself that you need advice. You
have to look to go somebody outside if
it's by definition you have to ask. I'm
telling you it's a very interesting
thing because gives marital gives the
basic framework of the touching
[snorts] in the leadup to the actual act
itself in maybe 10 words. You could look
over there you wouldn't understand
anything. I don't I don't know what the
art school does over there. I haven't
looked at it. Well, you know, not
literally 10 words, but in the actual
you could write books and books, right?
You could talk for hours about it and
everybody's experience is going to be
different and a lot of the experience is
based on and again could be different
experience. You could have a different
experience every two months and you have
to be ready for that. That's what life
is all about. It's always in the flow.
But the three madregas that we just
spoke about is in the bedroom itself.
beers. What the calls puse
words you understand is more
only a person who has an speaks right
person called primarily the idea that a
person is an a soul is is defined by the
word. So when we talk about the marital
relationship what defines a husband and
a wife as connecting on an isama level
is they're talking to each other. There
is no such thing as intimacy in the
bedroom without a couple talking to each
other. Talking means talking in a real
way. And it means talking in the
bedroom. And it means sharing. And it
means a wife feeling like she's able to
talk herself out to her husband as much
time as she needs. And before you really
get passionate if a if a wife has all
sorts of things, you'll notice that a
woman will not be able to relax in the
bedroom if she has a bunch of things
that went on that day that she didn't
feel she told her husband. And the
husband's thing is, "Look, I have it I
have to go to work tomorrow.
It's it's 12:30 at night already. Before
we turn around, it's going to turn to 2
o'clock. You want to talk for 45 minutes
and I'd love to hear everything you have
to say, but maybe we could leave the
talking for tomorrow." And well, let's
do this. It's nice and peaceful.
Familiar what I'm talking about. I see a
few smiles at least, right? But I think
most of us families this. We'll talk
tomorrow. Nothing personal. We'll talk
tomorrow. But tonight, right, tonight
we're here. Let's make it work. And the
reason why a woman literally cannot do
that is because the way she has to
[clears throat] go into the experience
is she has to be connected on a soul
level. Women, there's no shortcuts
because there's no with women. Only the
men have a so as far as the women are
concerned. They have to talk. They have
to connect and they have to feel. And
their husband has to support everything
they're saying. And he has to tell her
with nice words and it has to be loving
and he has to care and he has to tell
her and he has to tell her how much he
loves her and appreciates
right there's the actual talking sharing
of the day and then there's the talking
which is more leading into the bedroom
more passionate type of talking and
that's a necessary prerequisite
that's level one level two is what kazal
call after peazal call it
primarily expresses the emotions
You can do it without words. It comes
with words. But uses more. The reason
why he uses the mouth is because by
definition feelings are expressed
verbally. So is also something that's
used that uses that part of the body.
But what it does is it connects two
people emotionally. And that's again
that's step two. So step one we'll call
step two we'll call.
Step three is already the physical part
of a person but it's the physical part
of a person which is to be and that's
what kazal called the mish cuz I'll
define this again a few words in the
garra they call this the mish which
means the touch that's necessary in
order to stimulate the passion that's
necessary in order to bring the couple
together in the optimal physical desire
dick away in order to stimulate that to
stimulate that desire There has to be
touch that touch is a product of
the is a product of the pe and the pe
which is the passionate talk the loving
talk between a couple is an expression
or it's
of the talk outside of the bedroom. So
step one, in order for a couple to
successfully keep the passion and the
feeling alive in the bedroom, the
talking outside the bedroom has to be
loving and it has to be vulnerable and
it has to be open and it has to be
sharing as much time as much
as she needs. That's going to be
necessary prerequisite. A B is going
into the bedroom. The talking over there
obviously has a different level of
intensity, a different level of passion.
That's going to be step two. Step three
is going to be
is also related to the but that will
[snorts] then be expressed in a way that
only a husband and wife can express with
each other. That's that's that step four
is the mish which hands represent the
kayak of a person is already the
physical part of a person and then level
five which will be also four if you look
in there's five levels of a person what
we just described on a level is really
five different stages of human
development like a person
we connect to the we right so on a
normal day we only have three shakas
shabas you have say you have four I'm
going through this very quickly you have
four because you're on a high and more
connected level you have which is the
helix the day of the year when you
completely
you have five
so a couple who like we said the only
time you can go is really the same idea
in order for a couple to have a really
successful gizonta passionate experience
has to be Five levels of you're talking
outside the bedroom. You're talking
inside the bedroom.
The physical touch that stimulates
desire and then the actual the actual
togetherness of the physical self of the
actual physical bodies. That's really a
a summary of what this is. So you see by
the way the more we talk the more
analogies we can bring out.
Oh wow literally. Okay. Um, so I think
we'll call it here for now. Could
always, there's always more to flesh
out, but I think what you're hearing is
how much
a good marriage,
we're not malleable in the strongness of
the physical experience of marriage.
It's not the Yiddish way. We encourage
it and we want it and it's the glue that
holds together a happy healthy marriage.
And that happy happy healthy marriage. I
always when whenever people talk to me,
whenever couples talk to me with kids, I
always want to know if there's something
communication that's not going over to
the kids, I always want to know where's
it coming from. And I usually find after
poking a little bit, that's usually has
something to do with some lack in the
bedroom. Why? Because when there's an
electric current between a couple and
there's passion and there's feeling and
it's alive and it's full of vigor and
energy usually that creates an
atmosphere outside the bedroom. It
creates an atmosphere outside the
bedroom. The children are being raised
in a happy home that's full of the
feeling that's there. the the the the
energy that fills the walls of a Yiddish
home and it creates a happy environment
in which good kids are brought up is the
passion that a couple has. That passion
obviously is created in the bedroom. But
in order paradoxically in order to
create that atmosphere in the bedroom,
it starts outside the bedroom. And when
a couple has that level of communication
and vulnerability and openness out and
passion outside the bedroom, that
carries over in the bedroom. And when
that energy and electricity is there in
the bedroom, outside the bedroom, the
home's a different home.
Wish you all to build your homes, to
build your marriages, and to build every
one of our homes into a place
[clears throat] where the reven is
welcome on every single level.