Rabbi YY Jacobson - Why Are So Many Marriages Failing?

the yeshiva.net one of america's premier jewish thinkers and leaders rabbi yes jacobson is one of the most sought after speakers in judah's jewish world today he serves as a mentor to hundreds of thousands across the globe and is considered one of the most passionate and mesmerizing communicators of torah and ashkaf in today's generation during the corona pandemic he pres he presented hundreds of classes and lectures to every demographic of the jewish community worldwide offering inspiration and perspective his video clips of physic went viral reaching millions rabbi yui was the first rabbi to ever be invited by the pentagon to deliver the religious keynote to the us military chiefs of chaplains and to the national security agency over the last 20 years robert jacobson traveled to hundreds of communities schulz schools yeshivas universities across the globe educating and inspiring people all with all backgrounds with the majestic depth of torah and yudhisthira robert jacobson founded and serves as dean of the yeshiva.net teaching via the web one of the largest torah classes in the world today with thousands of students globally born in 1972 in brooklyn new york robert jackson grew up at defeat lulabra absorbing his teaching and writing in 1988 at the age of 15 the young jacobson began serving as a small team of oral scribes and newman tape recorders they were charged with memorizing and transcribing three to seven hours of talks by the tribe of blessed memory which were presented on shabbat and jewish holidays when recording devices were not used it's all yours on the floor thank you thank you coach menachem thank you my dear friends thank you to bosher thank you i see we have almost 800 people can i not wow okay thank you so so much i'm thrilled to be here and it's really a very great privilege to be on this special sunday evening program and i just want to say that i'm also very honored because we have a principal in gemara kivan shahid the way i interpret it is once you hear a market once shiv energizer margaret you don't invite him back a second time that's an old principle in jewish life so i am very honored to have been invited to be kaiser market a second time and celebrating a great milestone number 30 of these sessions i also want to give a shout out to the lakewood community because i know that most of the listeners and the viewers come from lakewood that's where rabbusha is that's where coach monaco is that's where this whole thing really took root and it's a testimony if one needs a testimony to some of the extraordinary qualities of the lakewood community with thousands and thousands of young people men and women of many different backgrounds and different types of communities but united by the ambition and the yearning to grow to work on ourselves to work on our marriages and our relationships and our shalom bias on our parenting skills and our relationship with ourselves with others with our community of course with the reborn shall islam with the jewish people to increase in our territory so i salute all of you because really sunday night is a lot of options you know remember the announcement on the airlines we are aware that you could have chosen many other airlines so we thank you and so that so many people can inherit nearby come on week and week and week again and it's all a focus of kidus shame shamayim to really become the people that we are capable of becoming to really be the mamleka's it's a great tribute to lakewood and everyone joining us from wherever you are around the world those live those who will watch it later and i thank you for discussing the opportunity so our theme this evening is a pretty loaded theme as our dear coach just uh described eloquently why are so many marriages failing and uh we will go very soon straight to questions if usher warned me no long manual monologues today because we were at a shabbaton together and i gave a very long presentation it was by the way relatively short to what they asked you should just know they wanted longer but just for the record i had to say that for my own confidence but i just want to as absiko make a few points that i think might be might be valuable whenever anybody gives one reason or two reasons why so many marriages are failing i find it to be not very accurate i don't think one can identify and say this is the factor i think there are many factors i'll mention just a few and there are are more beyond of what i'm mentioning the fact is today there is divorce is not such a stigma as it was number two women have a greater feeling of independence and autonomy number three people are more open today about their emotions let's face it usher told me when he began he couldn't believe what's coming out here on zoom how people are open for many years and decades it was understood that we had wall-to-wall carpet so we'll have enough place to bury all the emotions under the carpet but today times have changed people are much more open about how they're feeling they're more connected to how they feel they're more aware of how they feel i think we have given people the language of feelings the language of emotions the language to articulate toxicity discontent deep pain and anxiety it has miles it has histories like everything in the world it has great virtues it has great flaws people today are willing to say i'm not happy and i don't want to live this way we're in the past the language i'm happy i'm not happy since when is happiness a reality and even if it is to be able to acknowledge it and talk about it and say that's it i do not want to be miserable and not want to be happy this is a kiddush at least to some degree i think of our times some people will say it's terrible but i think there's also a tremendous virtue in this at least the way i see it and that is that before the gula comes all inner toxicity must emerge it's called the end of a vedas habirurum in kabbalistic and spiritual which means if in previous generations many of us could live with a lot of trauma and dysfunction embedded in us before goula comes and what's google is the consciousness of oneness of harmony of eternal happiness bliss delight oneness with our inner divine core our infinite core is going to emerge reality is challenging us to spit out intergenerational trauma to spit out a lot of things that have been sitting within us for many many generations because we have been through a lot in order to be able to open ourselves up to a consciousness of redemption of oneness so i say in marriage as well when we are experiencing strife anxiety discontent challenges it's not easy it's painful but very very often these are incredible opportunities to be able to teach us where our work lay where we have to grow how we can maximize our potentials and become the people that we're capable of becoming i am always enthralled every year again and again by that unbelievable episode of yaakov avinu choosing to marry one woman her name is rocco ifastaya she's extraordinary exquisite and yet in reality he ends up marrying another woman her sister leia the enemy leia raccoos what is the mystery of this story and one of the profoundest explanations is it's really a timeless pattern of many a marriage there is the spouse i choose to marry and there's the spouse i end up marrying rocco is the woman i dream of or the man i dream of in my imagination and my dreams that beautiful exquisite picture-perfect flawless bright amazing human being again the husband or the wife rachel begamatria says means a you a sheep like the bright beautiful serene sheep you know what leia means leia means exhaustion leia means anxiety i marry a man or a woman and i thought i'm marrying rocco and suddenly i discover leia leia in a way it says in zarya is deeper than leia then leia is called alma descartes the unconscious rockl is the marriage with my own imagination leia is the marriage that challenges me to become the person i'm capable of becoming so when we enter into a marriage we often wake up in the morning and say oy vehilia suddenly you discover things about your husband and your wife it wasn't in the resume it wasn't in the dating it wasn't in the it wasn't discussed maybe you couldn't weren't even ready to appreciate it because life matures all of us and we all grow up what do i do when i discover leia some of us get into a fight some of us run away it's fight or flight some of us go into a depression some of us learn to ignore and repress some of us learn to live with it begrudgingly but the toyota is telling us there's something much deeper and that is it's leia that was always meant for you rahul was the invitation to be able to be in a relationship with leia it's leia who will turn you into the person you're capable of becoming it's leia who will allow you to heal from your traumas your insecurities your fears it's leia who will allow you to fulfill the mission of your neshama it's leia who will allow you to penetrate through the superficiality through the toxicity through the midos that are eclipsing your true infinite divine self so that ultimately leia and rahul will become one the two sisters will become one indeed till today yaakov is buried near leia not nero which is fascinating and that's the secret of the badekanesh why do we cover the bride at the wedding why is it that when the christian betrothes his wife arguably the most important moment of their marriage harey at mikudashiously he's not looking at her she's not looking at him what's going on look at each other because there is a very powerful statement here the statement is i am ready to marry not only the part that i see but also the part that i don't see i know that there's so much more to you than what my eyes can perceive at this moment there are infinite layers of depth in the woman's soul like in the man's soul and i am committed to transcend my fears and insecurities to be able to go into my depth so i should be able to touch your depth and together we will grow and bring out the best in each other through an ongoing vulnerable conversation that deals with our rockle and with our leia and allows both of them to merge now i make one more point and that is as follows i find one of the great pitfalls that many of us have in marriage is this we expect that marriage is inherently a stable relationship and what was yesterday is will be today and will continue tomorrow next week next month just as it is more or less when it comes to siblings when it comes to business partners when it comes to friends it's a mistake the relationship of marriage not always but in most cases or at least in many cases is inherently unstable and the truth is that this is not just a psychological statement it's a halogenic statement the rogue atrovirgon writes fascinatingly listen to this that when your makadisha woman the rambam says in herches issues peri gimmel when you betroth the woman right you have to make abraham we make the brahman etc amistad this has to be done before the conduction what happens if you were makadish already you can't make the bracha anymore it's like you eat an orange and then you make the brocco afterwards you have to make burger priests before you eat and afterwards it's a broccoli the same rambam and hilkiss issues pericured says when it comes to the perseverance you could do it even a few days after the nisulian after the marriage why so derek says listen to this because nisuyan marriage is not a one-time event it's constantly happening your marriage is recreated halogenically every single moment anew the fact that i was married an hour ago has no implications to the present moment how logically the marriage is being recreated every moment that's why you could make the barakah even after the chupa because the nisuyan unlike the kedushan is constantly happening and he compares it to creation the revenge doesn't create the world once he creates the world a new every single moment what does this mean practically practically it means you have to understand sometimes a wife or a husband is thinking to themselves to herself to himself i don't understand shabbos we had an amazing time with each other we went on vacation it was incredible just two hours ago we were sitting at the table and there was so much warmth and suddenly i made a comment he made a comment she made a comment this happened that happened and i don't feel this what happened who's crazy am i insane are you insane well let me tell you the facts the fact is that couples tend to drift apart that's how it is the moment a husband and a wife are not connected they tend to go opposite ways in other words the relationship is not inherently stable it has to constantly be nurtured fed invigorated don't feel bad that it's not continuing on a cruise control you put it on cruise control and the love and the romance and the affection continues no no no you gotta constantly bring the two together why because they're so different and they're opposite and yet they're so close and when you have two things that are two people that are so different and opposite fire and water and yet they're so close and they become one it needs constant trust constant work and therefore and therefore every exchange you have with your spouse either brings you closer or distances you one from another every single interaction is valuable either it brings out the trust or it creates some type of question mark some type of insecurity so if i'm walking into the kitchen and my wife is sitting in the kitchen and having a coffee and i acknowledge her and i say something affectionate something that builds the relationship we just became closer if i ignore if i ignore her we drift away even if very very subtly my wife we live in muncie my wife is sitting on the porch and say hey look at the red bird and i'm just i give a grunt because i'm busy with my computer there's a distance rather than stopping and acknowledging it and embracing that opportunity for connection so my dearest friends marriage is a journey sometimes it takes a lot a lot of work sometimes it's easier but here is the conclusion when two people who are healthy and mature and we work on our marriage and we allow that trust and that connection and that sense of belonging to take root there are few achievements and pleasures in life that are greater than that pleasure and that achievement of never ever being lonely of always knowing that you have somebody at your side 24 hours a day seven days a week 365 days a year who is one with you who you can trust a thousand percent who they can trust a thousand percent who you belong to and who belongs to you that sense of oneness is the great magical gift that the creator of the world has given us in marriage when we're both ready to put the necessary work into it thank you for listening hey thank you everybody have a good night and by the way first i want to say that we were completely maxed out so uh we should have stacked a screen uh streamed it but a thousand people are here and people are trying to get in so let's let's really take that you didn't you didn't trust me you didn't have the talking that's right i didn't listen to the rabbi that's what happened so here's an example we're not married we're friends okay not a big deal right we're not drifting away in a marriage everything is different okay we're maxed out fine they'll have to uh watch the replay that's right okay let's start with a poll give you a minute break okay just just to get the little feeling from the oil and then we'll jump into questions again the point of tonight's share is that it should be interactive people please feel free to ask questions it's a sensitive topic so you know ask and feel comfortable right i'm sure you want people to be engaged and take advantage of you and to really yeah let's go ready jump in here we go let's start with the poll why do you think marriages are struggling so general question is four answers either one lack of communication be immaturity c not going for help or d high expectations choose one of them we don't know who's saying what so just to get a feeling everybody please vote second question is in your opinion which is the most which is the most stressful marriages today is it financial is it children personal differences or expectations those are the two two answers again what do you think what do you think matt why do you think marriages are struggling the first question second question is what in what in your opinion which one of the which is the most largest stressor in marriages today five seconds [Music] wow this is a very interesting result you know you're gonna enjoy this one let's hear it in the polling okay okay check this out why do you think marriages are strongly struggling today remember why way 61 percent feels lack of communication nine percent immaturity four percent feel not going for help look at that such a small number wow seven percent image of high expectations in your opinion which one which is the most stretched in marriages today financial 27 children seven percent seventy percent personal differences right wow look at this one fifty percent of people expectations wow unbelievable wow yeah okay so i i have a bunch of questions we'll start with one and then anybody wants to ask a question please text me and we'll go through it and we have a lot a lot of material tonight so let's really just start um this is a question that came actually a few hours before the show i'll read it it's a personal question i live in a community that does not date i recently got married unfortunately i have been very unhappy i feel like he's not for me he has zero gain in my eyes and everything he does gets me nervous in short i simply don't like him he's not my speed he doesn't he he doesn't get me we have no chemistry it's been causing me a lot of pain as i don't know how to proceed from here my question in short is what is the torah's view on marriage and such a situation no there is nothing seriously wrong with him if so is the torah's view to work on midos and find a way to make it work is divorce just an escape route to be used if something is more drastically wrong i would really appreciate some insight on this angle wow so first of all i am so so sorry to hear this and if i could be here for you in any way i would love to be here for you it's a difficult situation that's number one number two i think before i answer your question it's just a lesson for all of us parents in any community you live in if you live in such a community where dating is not really part of the process it's so important it's so important to do whatever you can with hashem's help to be able to ascertain that your daughter your son is going to be able to have a fulfilling and meaningful marriage never surrender to the foolishness of social conformity it should look good the family name is nice the pictures is going to look good remember you're dealing with a relationship of god willing eighty ninety a hundred years hopefully even more biz hunterton swansea so important to take responsibility and to become mature and really look into what my daughter needs what my son needs and be able to communicate with them throughout the process and make sure that this can be opinionated now speaking to the person directly who wrote this letter i don't know who wrote it but i mean just speaking to you i assume you're on here i have to tell you this is not a classic terror question where toyota is going to tell you stay married or get divorced these are the cases when toyota turns to you and says this is a very personal and intimate question that you have to make a decision about and it's a faithful decision you may have to make it with the help of people you really trust confidants people who are experts who are experienced who know you and whom you can trust and really want your benefit i'll just outline a few things that have to be taken into consideration the first question you have to ask is what are the pros and what are the cons there are pros in staying in the marriage you don't get divorced you stay in a marriage it's easier with the family it's easier with the community maybe easier for you maybe easier for him there are pros there's a certain stability you're more like your friends you're more like your relatives he may be a good guy you say there's nothing wrong with him right you may like his value system and what type of father he'll be god willing for your children there are pros there are cons there are cons to stay in the marriage as you describe them perhaps more you have to really ask yourself what are the advantages of staying in the marriage what are the disadvantages of staying in the marriage what are the advantages in getting divorced and what are the disadvantages in getting divorced and then you have to ask yourself and what are you ready for emotionally psychologically intellectually practically and spiritually make a decision from a place of awareness from a place of strength from a place of maturity you may need help with people from people who really really care for you and of course you also have to ask the big question and that is if you stay in the marriage what is it going to do to you if you feel that there's really no hope and absolutely no chemistry there's no connection there's no relationship then your decision might have to go in one direction but if you feel for example that if you guys spend time with each other if he feels he can open up to you and expose his soul and you feel that you can trust him and open up to him maybe with the help of another person in the beginning maybe interesting things will happen put that into consideration as well so what i say to you is examine maturely all the pros and all the cons there are pros and getting divorced you won't have to deal with this there are also cons in getting divorced divorce may be a necessary decision but it's a very serious decision make that decision it's not an easy decision and all i can do is bless you that hashem should be with you and give you the cash to be able to make the best decision for you and to be able to only grow from the experience and god forbid not surrender to despair and realize whatever decision you make as long as you know it's the right decision it will compel you and propel you to ultimately reach an even greater and deeper self-awareness and greater and deeper marriage with this person or another person robert jacobson i'm just i'm just thinking this is probably a lot of information for this young bible yes and i'm sorry and and i just want to make sure that she should go for help i don't know if it's appearance or professional so somebody could walk with her i hope hopefully your parents i don't i don't know who you want i don't know your parents and i don't know maybe the parents didn't realize any of this so may they may not be capable of helping her i don't know if your parents could really be here for you maybe a sibling maybe an uncle maybe an aunt a bubble a father a mother a good rav a good therapist but make sure somebody who really cares for you and doesn't just want everything to look good for them because that's not that's kind of going to help you another important thing is you'll forgive me for saying this till you make this decision it may be worth considering not to pursue the path of having a child because then it's much much more difficult to get divorced you know if you really don't want to be in a relationship i would consider holding back on that also so you can have a little menuchasanefish figure out your options okay before we go to the next question i just want to go back to the title that we called it marriages why so many marriages are failing if you rabbi jacobson maybe you can tell us what comes to your desk what are the issues behaviors or beliefs that you see that into that can cause the problems of marriage excellent question so i have to i should have i guess said this in the beginning i am not a psychotherapist i am not a social worker i'm not a therapist i'm not a psychologist i'm not a marriage therapist so i really i have to qualify myself that i am in no position of being a professional to give people you know guidance on their marriage so why do i speak to you about this i speak up to you about this because i sit among my people and i receive approximately and i'm not exaggerating now around 200 close to 200 emails a day and many of them not all but many of them deal with marriage and i try to help to the best of my ability i try to delegate whatever i can delegate one cop this so much as i said there's no one reason but i see one common thing that i think it's worse worth to emphasize and that's the fact that we have a challenge with communication on a vulnerable level and i'll tell you what i mean if i walk into the kitchen my wife walks into the kitchen or any spouses and there's an exchange your wife tells you something your husband tells you something often the natural emotion is anger i'm upset anger i'm in a bad mood but anger is a secondary emotion in probably 90 percent of cases anger is not the real emotion anger is covering up a much deeper emotion which is usually or often pain loneliness so what happens with anger is i get upset i blame the person you're such a dis i may not say it but in my head you're such a dish you such at this why am i married to you you don't understand me you're so selfish you're narcissistic why can't you get me why can you be loving you always blame me you're doing this for 50 years doing this for 100 years you're doing this for 10 years and what happens we just drifted away completely and i was not honest about what's happening to me instead of acknowledging my pain i surrendered to my anger which is about pointing a finger at you you know what would help so many marriages if we could learn to have those ongoing vulnerable conversations so when your wife or your husband said something you can now have a conversation say you know i want to share with you how that felt for me it's about my experience i'm not blaming you i'm talking about what i experienced and maybe based on my childhood wounds based on some trauma based on some internal struggles that i have already for 45 years or 65 years or 25 years but instead of talking about you and how bad you are i talk about what happened to me you know how healing that becomes because basically we take that very power that could drive us apart from each other that very toxic force that could create a rift and we use that as a catalyst to bring us closer by each of us expressing our vulnerable pain in this communication and what that does is for next time and then for afterwards everything changes so if we can have much more open vulnerable conversation and it's not easy i don't want to acknowledge my pain it's much easier for me to say you're a dis you're a dis you're that you're much easier but it's a cover-up and ultimately long-term it hurts both of us because it erodes it erodes the trust and a marriage without trust can't be meaningful or fun you're rabbit jackson i have to be honest with you my my my box is blowing up i have like four million questions here are you ready let's go four million well what did they say the journey four million miles begins with one step you know we'll be there we'll be there the record of zoom we'll do that we'll do we'll do them now see that they had 136 hours yeah yeah my wife made me a delicious iced coffee yeah so tell them i need a jug my husband does not communicate my husband does not communicate he is tuned out if i try to reach him he's stonewalls he is a closed book we are married for a long time this has been a vicious life cycle he is in a community rabbi leader operates very differently in public arena where he's well respected it's not your mrs jacobs [Music] oh sure that was fast that was fast actually my wife is standing near me and laughing so you're not so far of the truth uh but i'm not sure was it her was it my mother-in-law just joking i have a wonderful mother-in-law god bless her yes first of all i'm sorry i'm very sorry this is not easy and i don't know enough to answer this question from an educated point of view so i'll just make a few points that might be helpful and might resonate first of all some people are suffering very deeply from severe trauma from mental illness from personality trauma we know today sits in the body for years and years and some people even fine people teachers leaders rabbis they're unaware of it they just learn to live with it they have developed survival skills and almost you look at them and we have to have compassion because they are simply incapable they just don't know about their trauma and if that's the case the question is is there an option is there a way of making him aware in a loving compassionate way allowing him the possibility to open himself up to what's happening inside of him there must be a lot of pain if he's stonewalling you and he's completely unmoved in other words he's a dead man walking and yet to the world he's displaying charisma and passion and love and vitality there's a terrible dissonance but the only way you can have compassion on him is if you have compassion on yourself as i tell my students there are two ways of dealing with other people's dysfunction one is judgmental and the other one is compassion when i'm judgmental towards you you close up when i have compassion towards you i'm not in denial i'm not repressing and i'm not naive but it allows you to open up but first i have to have compassion on my own pain my own challenges and then my attitude can be one of compassion and that's my question to you is there a way not from a place of anger not from a place of resentment and i know it's not easy and i'm very very sorry because this is a challenge but from a place of compassion to help him just have a glimpse of what is possible to understand that maybe he's sitting with a lot and there are people who can help there are people who don't want to backstab him they don't want him fired they want him to be successful but there are people there are some real experts who are good with this stuff and they can help him acknowledge what is sitting on him why does he have to detach from you what is bothering him so deeply but he has to become aware of it at least on some level is there any opening into his soul if there is gevaldic that's a great beginning the question is what if not what if he is so beyond anything that really really nothing nothing helps and then i can just cry with you and say to hillary and then you have to ask yourself you know what's the serenity prayer god help me change the things i can and help me accept the things i can change and help me have the wisdom to know the difference if there's really no room no opening for change then it really becomes another question can you deal with it and how much of this can you deal with i think these are these ideas are challenging to have open vulnerable conversations and usually like you mentioned it's usually hard for the person himself or herself yeah yeah to be aware of it especially if he's a love if he's a rough and he's a leader and he may be a rashashiva again i don't know who we're talking about so understand that maybe for 20 30 years he has developed surviving skills of leadership he probably guides people who come to him and say they don't have emotions he probably guides them based on what he read and you know what my hunches my hunches that probably inside he may be a wonderful wonderful wonderful man maybe soft as butter melting in a frying pan but completely locked up completely unaware of the pain that he may have from the age of four years old where he went into hiding and he never came out of hiding that maybe again i don't know i'm just speculating and i i'm no prophet but i'm just speaking this may be this may be the case and then if he can have somebody who can really display real compassion and understanding not knock him down because then he'll just close up even more but really help him become aware that you don't have to be miserable the whole world is not out to get you there is a way of living life with simcha god does not want miserable jews he wants people who are lebanese and suck the marrow out of life who can come home and exude vitality and love and joy and use and exuberance and his teaching will be transformed because we only really teach what we have inside yes we can have facades and masks but people sense the energy consciously or unconsciously somebody could communicate this to him without judgment which you can only do if you don't judge yourself by the way because if i'm busy judging myself i do that to everybody else only when you have compassion for yourself can you have compassion for others because we all have trauma and dysfunction then i believe at least maybe i hope i don't want to sound like a helpless optimist but i've seen this happen that we can create a crack and and his vulnerability can emerge what i tell people is every person has to have another person who can he can sit and talk it doesn't have to be a coach it doesn't have to be a therapist and again not everybody needs the help but you need one place where you can be vulnerable to yourself and if it's hard you can start with a pen and paper yeah you sit down and say what are the things i do not want to talk about i just want to say something ushi told me we were together two weeks ago at a shabbaton there were maybe 600 people there it was basically parents struggling with children who have left yiddishkait and often left normalcy altogether sunday morning rebecca comes over to me i say nu and these were his words he says why can't all of us be honest with each other all the time and experience in our daily lives the honesty that we encountered over the last last weekend because the level of honesty and vulnerability was enthralling and remember division with cloisonne [Music] of all stripes what you call modern orthodox this side that side this no no no friday night 24 shoppers every type of stripe and yet they have all been broken they have been broken by their children not turning out the way they dreamt and the vulnerability right am i am i right the vulnerability was unbelievable and the strymol and the barcellino hat and the cap and the know had to give us did it make a difference yeah the syrians with the yemen every literally everybody was there and that one not one complaint not one complaint usually i go to a lot of events at least pre-corona the chicken the food my room that you know jews in hotels they're at their best right but over there they were united by a cause you know what i learned from it you know we all look we all walk around the streets of muncie lakewood williamsburg crown heights borough park your shallow beneath brock london wherever it is thinking ich bin da insecure you know i'm the only to date meshuggan who has all these problems everyone today trust me everybody has their vulnerability and people are craving honesty don't be afraid i'm talking to the men for the women it's much easier this is the way god made them don't be afraid of honest communication people don't need the macho response from you trust me you can go straight to the emma's that's why we have the shirts on the night this is for this is for the real people they want to get okay let's get let's get real and you know what today it's all coming out today it's all coming out look at the numbers okay let's go we have live questions i have a hundred more questions go live you're on you said four million it became went down to a hundred you know i'm glad that we solved most of the problems yeah go ahead let's go we have now the questions are getting more intense and deeper and there's a lot more live questions but i want to really cover some of these this is from an email i'm trapped in a dead loveless marriage had i've had many marriage counseling lots for 34 years together husband is a narcissist and emotionally unavailable we are in the 60s and 70s respectfully and we have one child left in shidduchim so we don't feel like we could separate it there have been no one no intimacy for 11 years and there is any benefit in staying in such a marriage i have built a separate life with good friends my husband doesn't really have close friends and tries to get me to act like his mother would it be okay financially if we would be okay financially if we split oh wow the answer that i would give you is as follows i do not believe once again that anybody in the world is entitled or has the permission of the authority to tell you whether to stay in this marriage or not to stay in this marriage this is a very deep mature and personal and painful decision that you have to make because both sides come with a lot of challenges as you articulate it so eloquently in this email but i do want to delineate i want to outline different points that i think can help perhaps create perspective for you to make a decision from a healthy authentic and place of strength and inner inner resilience and that is marriage has different benefits of course the first and foremost great benefit of marriage is vahayu la basareth two people become one we're not lonely we share a life one plus one equals one as the torah says but there's a lot of other benefits in marriage there's a certain stability in marriage there's a certain predictability in a married life there's a certain structure that exists in a marriage in your case keeping the marriage attacked means that the kindelach the enoch the grandchildren the great grandchildren come to a unified home for hanukkah parties and pudding parties and chevy brachas and number mitzvahs and friday night meals and shabbos meals and popping for a sunday and a monday and that's amazing there's a special machas and delight so what i say to you is make a very deep and mature decision and see what are the pros what are the cons there are pros for staying in this marriage even though you say he's emotionally dead he's narcissistic he wants you to be his mother but there are i'm sure pros and staying in this marriage because your spins in this marriage and i'm sure there's prose of staying in this marriage even after your child gets married bashar tovo matslachas of you being that quintessential bubba and eltaba the matriarch of a family where there's a husband and a wife and you could nurture your children and you may say you know what for my daughters and my sons and my anaclas i want them to have and feel there's a wholesome home even though i know the truth and you that may be a top priority for you there are also cons of staying in this marriage it may be too painful for you i cannot tell you what outweighs what you have to make a mental list you may need the help of an excellent person who can just help you process your emotions process your pain and then make a decision you may want to stay in this marriage despite all the challenges or you may say you know what the pain of being here is just too much my kids are more or less fine they'll be able to work it out and you know what i don't think anybody can judge you the reborn shalom won't judge you and whatever you decide i can bless you and wish you it should be with with tremendous but make this decision from a place of inner strength inner awareness not from victimhood and not from weakness and not only a short-term decision or impulsive should be a long-term understanding of the pros and the cons and realizing that every choice will be imperfect of course maybe as an optimist i have to add there's always the hope that i hope maybe somebody without judging him with compassion can maybe open him up to the fact that he doesn't want to die a closed heart a closed soul an unexamined life it's painful to live a life of denial and maybe at this point he'll be ready to sit with somebody who's a real expert and can deal with 70 year olds who have had their hearts on lockdown for seven decades before the corona jacobs i'm getting a lot of text about mental health let's try to cover some segment about mental health because it's obviously a big topic questions together i think they're similar and let's try to really all those people text me this is basically the question i know it's not a mental health segment tonight but i am living with a spouse with mental issues what are some words to help me out that's the first question the second question is my spouse is not emotionally available for me and the kids i try to manage it all by myself but sometimes feels impossible how do i continue this work it was very hard for me last week to listen when i was told only give give give and not to expect anything back in return yeah okay so of course all the books you'll read about marriage all sessions workshops webinars seminars advice from top professionals you can read sue johnson and gutman and all the gurus and the coaches and they may be exceptional and you will follow the trajectory of what a good marriage looks like and what a barrier bad marriage because today we have research in the last 40 years of what good marriages look like what bad marriages look like they used to think that they look very different today we know that the same issues that exist in good marriages exist in bad marriages at least in most cases the difference is only the reactions how the couple deals with it so let's say you follow all the rules but you know what it's not working it's just not working the results are not there and after everything said and done you just can't get yourself to do what you're supposed to do as you said yeah i can't just give and give and give and very often we now have to identify if we have one of these three red flags mental illness personality disorder severe trauma when somebody has one of these three things they may simply be incapable of responding the way a healthy person responds now you say we all have trauma and we all have some personality disorder and we all have some mental illness and it's true we all have wounds i still don't know the person who doesn't have wounds part of bria is our soul comes down and it has its tikkunam to make but you know there is illness and there is illness so that's really what we have to distinguish sometimes a person is just so paralyzed and incapable now if this is caught in the beginning of a marriage it's critical to immediately get help because a lot of these things can be dealt with real professionals can deal with a lot of forms of trauma anxiety borderline personality bipolar ocd not easy but they can be dealt with if it's 20 years down the line 15 years down like 25 years down the line now it's much more severe because now it's not just the original problem it's all the problems that have piled on to the original jacobson we have a bunch of live questions and uh we have some vulnerable questions coming up um let's do the first the first live question go you're on is that me that's you hi um okay this is it's hard because i i'm in public and it's a lot of people um so i live with a husband who's who's not religious the last eight years at 15. um it's been a roller coaster and lately i've kind of had some peace around it and i do understand that it's kind of i don't know i feel seattle is my it's where shawn wants me to be um and a lot of i wasn't here in last week's class but a lot of that idea of taking care of myself and finding my place my support my comfort and really just taking like it it's not my job to take care of him that being said there's a lot of loneliness that comes from this kind of relationship um i appreciate everything i do get from him it is still a relationship but there's not a lot it's and i i just what kind of suggestions what do you do about that loneliness it's like a really deep spiritual loneliness like what do you do about it just i just want to jump in and say the religious part is one issue but the loneliness i've got about 10 of these texts that they're in a marriage and they just feel lonely i'm just saying the religion part is just another step of it and you're still married right you're married i'm married yeah wow and could you talk to him about this can you talk to him about this loneliness i i try not to bring up things i mean i yeah i can talk to him about it but there's nothing i i can't bring up things that he doesn't do right because then it's like he fails you know that that insecurity i just in general it's what i kind of right does that make sense yeah like you don't give me enough attention when i get i get like if we go out we go out if and when and i am grateful for when i get it right no my my real question is sometimes a person is just alienated from religion for whatever reason their reasons but sometimes it's not just an alienation from religion it's an alienation from responsibility from a relationship from connection from loyalty from dedication from responsibility that's a very different it's all over the above okay so it must have taken a lot of courage to stay in this relationship and stay in this marriage it is right it does okay so this is a very very profound choice that you made and i guess you considered the pros and the cons the sacrifices that you're making and what i could such what i could suggest obviously from a distant without knowing the details and the characters and suggested with a lot of humility and with a lot of empathy and that is to quote the words of david hamelach in tehillim chapter 27 my mother and father have abandoned me and god took me in and basically what he's teaching us is that sometimes there are situations where the regular support structure the regular safety net is non-existent as a child your mother and father are supposed to be there for you they were not there for him they threw him out of the house he was considered an illegitimate child of madras says and that's when he developed the deepest relationship with hashem it's so so important that you find comfort in your relationship with yourself with your soul with with god above all because the one who understands you most who knows you're in who created you who sent you into this world and who ultimately created a lot of the circumstances of your life is the ribbon and i think it's so important for you to have the most intimate open vulnerable naked beer exposed relationship with god with yourself with people you can trust people who can really listen to you and you could listen to them in the most vulnerable vulnerable way i think it's also extremely important for you to be able to have a space where you can express all of your emotions where you can express all the pain all the anguish all the disappointment and you know i think there's an element of grief grief counselors always speak about the fact when we lose something there is denial there is anger there is bargaining there's grief and there's acceptance denial is eh it's not real it's right angerism angry bargaining is i'll do this it'll be half it'll be 50 percent then there's grief this realizing that my dream will just not be materialized and then there is the last and deepest place it doesn't deny the grief but it's really understanding and saying i am not a victim and i will not surrender to the spear amana god sent me on a mission into these circumstances somehow this is the place where i can reach my deepest potential where i can grow most and where i can bring light into places that only i can bring light into those places why i was sent here i don't know what's exactly the purpose and the meaning i don't know but if this is where you feel you should be it's so important for you to be able to embrace the pain to be able to embrace the loneliness to be able to cry through the loneliness and then to say i'm going to look at my loneliness with my eyes i'm going to steer it down and i'm going to say right here right now i am going to live my life to the fullest and live in the most powerful meaningful purposeful and animated way and i think for people like you and all of us who share these types of pains it's very important to spiritually fortify yourself whether it's tuning into certain classes that give you khizuk reading books following certain hobbies taking walks exercising listening to music writing journals writing speaking communicating joining a group teaching others listening to others but i think it's a davening learning getting involved with an organization creating something of a whatever it is but i think it's important for you to be able to create a real productive life for yourself and to spiritually and emotionally fortify yourself well powerful robert jacobson um um there was different points that i would try to dive in for him and i would get disappointed i'm at the point that i don't i just haven't for myself and is that okay is that a good focus okay so to daven for yourself is obviously awesome but what i would say is there's two ways of davening for him one way is davening for him is i'm davening for him and hopefully i'm gonna get a call at night he's gonna say yeah i'm starting to keep shabbos yes i'm going to start learning yes i'm going to start eating kosher yes i'm going to put on a yamaka and then it's very disappointing but i think there's another form of davening for him and that is his soul he also has an ashama and his soul is in exile he probably went through some stuff he probably you probably know i don't know so if you could just pray that hashem should be able to be there with him do you have children with him yeah okay so he's the father of your children so i think it's important for you for yourself also to pray that hashem should be able to help his soul his soul is also a piece of hashem and it's trapped it's trapped and as much pain as he caused you he also caused his own soul remember that he's not content when when you when you when you're alienated from your spouse you alienated from yourself so i would just pray that you know hashem should should be there with him and one day help him open up and try to evoke that compassion not compassion for what he did and not compassion for everything and all the pain that you experience but simply compassion for the pain that you have that sits in you and compassion for the pain that his soul has so you're not overlooking anything you're not being naive you're not saying it's not so bad but can you just feel compassion for that pain inside of you and then i think you'll be able to feel compassion for the pain that must be unbearable inside of him that causes him to be so trapped and closed off i think that type of prayer will not deny you from the dignity that you need and deserve okay thank you get my point you get it yeah because i was i get so disappointed like i dive in and i don't know what i'm doing yeah yeah listen prayer exists on many dimensions you know sometimes we feel davening is like a vending machine you know you put in a dollar and the potato chip cup the tuna sandwich comes out the potato chip comes out but that's not always what davaning is davening is really a connection it's a relationship with the source of life it's a relationship with the source of infinity uh you know what davening really is actually i think i should say this i know this is about marriage but a lot of marriage is about the happening so uh you know what the word fila we don't even know what it means many people don't know what it means in beratious yaakov tells joseph before his death i never imagined to see your face right li his like in hebrew means to get dressed lehitra hates us to bathe pale is what hit paul from the word philoti to imagine to start imagining what's the connection to thafila tfila is imagining my life from the divine perspective looking at myself the way hashem sees me connecting my inner core to the source of all infinity and seeing myself and imagining what my life is capable of looking like from god's infinite perspective in other words seeing myself in a whole new extraordinary fashion that's what feel is it's alignment with that and i think when we do that it's not that necessarily something changes the next day it's that we become new people so everything changes because i'm not wearing the same glasses anymore okay all right jacob let's go to the next question we're loaded over here only since since ricky was so vulnerable and open i'll try the same thing here we go [Music] you ready it's a second marriage question so i'm i'm i'm second marriage and i could relate to the question a lot so i could feel it very important we have a huge struggle coming between us and second marriage we love each other very deeply but we have severe friction and what the priority in the second marriage in terms of loyalty dedication of time financial priorities and in general at the end of the day what is the priority a spouse sustaining challenge bias or children from previous marriages who also need their parents this includes children from previous marriages who live far away and requires one spouse to travel which hinders on the marriage therapists have tried to help but it's very difficult and it's pushing us apart preventing the oneness you're referring to how could you minimize the severe friction would you really we really would appreciate your much-needed advice robert jacobson okay it's a very serious question and again without knowing all the details i'm just gonna throw out some ideas that hopefully can resonate and at least be somewhat helpful the first thing is you have to acknowledge that there is a serious challenge here every second marriage even the best circumstances is difficult rabbasha just told us that he himself experienced a second marriage and he if he wants to elaborate he'll elaborate but there are serious challenges that come with it and the first foremost thing is to acknowledge it to be able to understand that a lot of things will trigger some toxic emotions and i'll specify a few things that i've heard from people and forgive me for being blunt you know there is the element of comparisons to the first marriage there's the element of why should i care about your bratty snobby disgusting kids raised by your first spouse who was sick and dysfunctional and mentally ill and narcissistic and compulsive and codependent plus an alcoholic and a gambler and now i gotta take care of these kids now of course we're nice we don't speak like that but i'm talking about what goes on in our brain and then there is the issues of guilt am i guilty for the problems in the first marriage then there's the question was this a mistake what do i need this for it's such a headache so all these things are constantly coming up and it's so important to be aware of it and not to judge yourself and i'll go back to midasar compassion again it's important to have compassion for what you're feeling for what you're experiencing just have compassion don't judge it don't deny it don't be naive about it don't repress it and don't be dictated by it just have compassion for it you know what media does you know what compassion does it opens up things it opens us up to a deeper level of awareness the balatanya writes in we say in davening every why do we use the term rahman is three times a vinu of and he says when i am critical of people and of myself i close up when i have compassion on myself and on others i allow them to open up rakhamim allows people to have das lahoven ulahaske lishmaya to be able to listen to somebody else to learn new things to perceive to discern have compassion for your own pain have compassion for the pain of your spouse number one number two whenever there are struggles with children especially when they're not biologically your own children what is most important in such a case is to cement the marriage and i'll tell you why you will not have a solution for all of your husband's children from the previous marriage he will not have a solution for all of your children from the previous marriage but you know what if your marriage is not powerful all those problems will become much more toxic and much more destructive if your marriage is tight and powerful you will create a cayley you will create a fortress that will allow both of you to contain the challenges you may not have a solution for all of them these kids are going to have to figure out some stuff on their own and it's not always going to be easy but your marriage if it's connected if it's tight it will create something very healthy healthy in the household that will allow both of you together to contain the pain and to contain the challenges and to contain the blessings and opportunities which brings us to the next point i heard this from a woman who her husband died she remarried to another man he had a lot of children from the first marriage she had a lot of children for the first marriage and i asked her i happened to know the family and i said i s how do you do you treat his kids as well as you treat your own i was i was amazed by her answer by the honesty she said it's impossible i can't it's not my kids i can't but you know what what happens in my heart and what happens in my actions are not always the same thing i work on myself never to do anything that's unfair and to ask myself if that child would have been mine would i say these words and would i do those things i make sure that in my makshava dibur and myself my thoughts words and actions i behave in the most just loving compassionate and decent way to say that they're really mamas like my kids she said i'm not going to lie to you it was so refreshing to hear that and you know what she and her husband raised an exceptional family not without challenges but an exceptional an amazing family so i say to you if you guys can have this open communication if you could make sure your shoulder bias is powerful and your marriage is cemented then you will have ongoing conversations of what each of you can help do to help your own children to help the children of your other spouse but it's important to remember how sensitive this is you cannot tell your husband oh you go take care of your bratty kids or tell your wife you go take care of those dysfunctional kids because that's very hurtful if you love me you have to be able to be sensitive to my children because they're part of me so even though they're not yours it's so important to be sensitive and you may need a therapist or somebody else to whom you can really you know unravel and express all of your emotions whatever they be but in the marriage you want to be sensitive to what means so much to the other person it's like my wife's sister of course it's not my sister but it's my wife's sister so i have to display that sensitivity certainly when it comes to your wife's child or your husband's your husband's uh child the last thing i would suggest is and i've suggested this to others and i can also help with this because i know quite a few people is find a couple that experienced a second marriage brought in children from the previous marriages and you see that they are beautiful people and they somehow have developed a routine and developed a method and speak to them consult them consult the woman consult them and they'll be happy to give you guidance and perspectives and there are quite a few families who did this well one of such cop one of such a couple told me the husband and the wife i asked them what helped you and they said we made sure two or three times a year to go away for nine ten days and make sure our marriage is so tight because that allowed us to come back and to deal with the challenges of both families so that advice i would also pass on to you wow robert jacobson powerful if not being a therapist i think he got most of the answers right okay we have more questions you want to add something from your experience um i'm gonna ask you you're comfortable experience is that the marriage has to be strong like a rock because it's not only being as a regular marriage is being challenged it's being challenged from the kids and the kids actually in a weird way try to just try to self-destroy the marriage by testing the law yeah yeah yeah the fact of the matter is a step parent can never love a kid that's not biological to the same degree but i don't use the word fake it to make it but you you have to do it for the love of your spouse because so the if you're your marriage is a rock that's the only way otherwise and and what when and i have to say don't take things personal there will be a teenager in your spouse from one of your spouse's children who will tell you one night you're not my mother how dare you tell me what to do and if you take it personal if you take it personal and then you start blaming your husband then we lost the plot it's important to have compassion for your pain because it's painful to hear that you're having mysterious nephesh for this child and she tells you you're not even my mother get out of my house get out of my house of course she's experiencing the pain of not having a mother not having a biological mother so it's so important to make decisions from a place of compassion and confidence not from a place of weakness and fear and insecurity and egotism this is i think very very important usher am i right spot on one other word i was going to add on it that we have another live question already on i want to get to it is that when the biological child is hospitalized or rough to the step parent it's because their their relationship with their actual parent is not good and they give it off on the step to hurt the parent you're the only one who's listening to them their real parent has cut off so you become the target it's a compliment it's very it's it's very very uh it's very very pain it's it's it's painful you have to have compassion here it's not an easy situ it's not an easy situation you know what i look at these couples who have done it i take off my hat i am i am inspired not just inspired i am an awe of what's what i have seen with what some of them have done the selflessness the commitment and i should say the maturity they are so worked out it's incredible a good okay next live question you're on finally we got it let's go hi can you hear me we hear you okay um i wanted to ask what is a proper hashgraphic perspective one should have if a child's marriage has ended in divorce despite his or her best efforts to keep the marriage intact including therapy and maybe the partner's unwillingness to participate and subsequent departure from yiddish type was this not my shirt what's the best way for the parents to process the situation especially if they were involved in the off dating and engagement and may have seen red flags i don't want to sound like a scratch but they used to call it a scratched record right today it's a scratch cd but even cds are are are already not so popular but i don't want to sound repetitious but i think it's extremely important to know two things number one there is an element of grief that is necessary it's not easy we put in so much work into raising a child i don't have to explain to a mother or mother is what type of work that is before birth and then after birth and all the years of raising them physically and emotionally and psychologically and spiritually and through school and yeshiva and then finally the dating process and the wedding and the chevy brachas you know and it's it's not i don't have to explain this to parents the blood and the sweat and the tears and the love and the finances every fiber of our neshama that goes in to be mechanical and then the world comes crumbling down and what seemed like such a promising future is not here this warrants tears this warrants a lot of i could cry even when i'm saying this it warrants a lot of empathy a lot of compassion for the child who went through the divorce and for the people who are affected by it and that's the first step you know that's the first step it's not about judgment it's really about especially as you said they did whatever they can they went to therapy they tried to help the other person refused i don't know again i don't know the details and certainly it's not my uh it's not in my authority to be able to point the finger or not point the finger so that's number one and it's important to be able to communicate on that level and tears are certainly very normal here and then i think together with that and completely not exclu not mutually exclusive is the concept of knowing that every destination and every journey in life is not a random coincidence a random mutation just a mistake you know bad muzzle different cookies crumble in different ways the balshemptiv has an unbelievable interpretation the khazal say rishayim malayam kharotes which means those who are spiritually broken are filled with regrets everybody explains it because they do a lot of nasty things so they always regret it because their conscience doesn't let them rest so they're always filled with remorse you know they're always saying i'm sorry they insult you and then they say i'm sorry the balshamptev said it means something much deeper rishayam people who are not aware of how connected they are to the divine are always filled with regrets they're always regretting their choices in life if only i would have not allowed them to date if only i would have checked into this if only i would have blah if if if if only everything would have been avoided he says but really we have to realize that it's far beyond of our far beyond our choices we do what we can but ultimately there's so many things outside of our control so many things that happen to our children so many things our children go through and yes we deny we get angry we bargain but then we have to grieve and then we have to say you know what somehow your neshama needed this journey for me the greatest inspiration for this is my namesake joseph all his dreams came crumbling down 17 year old most handsome beautiful boy was being sent off to the best yeshiva in the world and eric israel would have gotten the best ends up as a slave in egypt and as a prisoner for 12 years the entire trajectory of his life destroyed for eternity you would think and yet when he faces his brothers he says you did not sell me i am not a victim of your bad choices god has sent me to save an entire nation from famine that's the jewish attitude the jewish attitude is i'm thrown into a pit and it feels like i'm being buried really i was planted i was not buried i was planted that's i think an attitude that is authentic it empowers it invigorates most importantly it propels us to continue growing and maximizing our potentials in life and pursuing the dreams the yearnings and the aspirations that we really cherish for ourselves and our loved ones okay i think we'll go to the next question so this is a question of the person himself so i think we got a little opening already juggling chalmbias with five kids that each of each of them have their own needs and different needs and it's a great challenge for me and he says he finds himself staying at work avoiding dealing with all that's going on at home i know it's not a mahala but it's too stressful for me where can i start with this wow okay this is an important question so let me say this it seems like you have to deal with your shoulder bias and you have to deal with educating your children and both of them are challenging so i want to say even if we're having disagreements with our spouse about how to educate our children probably not in all cases but probably in most cases the harm that we cause our children by our internal strife is much greater than any harm that we will cause them by disagreements about their education or other disagreements for parents to have disagreements is normal for these disagreements to grow into big arguments and fights is not something that we should pursue we should try to avoid it but it happens very often but when we alienate ourselves from each other when we drift away when there's no relation when i'm staying in the office because i don't want to face my spouse the harm that does that that does to children is really really unfair and it's worse than any other harm and children pick it up when a husband doesn't like the wife a wife doesn't like her husband when there's mistrust when there's inner conflict when there's a lack of respect it really it creates a decomposition in the home so it's so so important to be able to face this i know it's easy to stay in the office and it's easy to run to minha and mairev and adaf and the mishna brewership and to join dershu and going to shiurim and learning is not just incredible but it's oxygen for a jewish home and it's vital for a jewish home but not as an escape from the relationship rather as something that will strengthen the relationship the rambam says it's an incredible piece in rambam based on a mishna at the end of odas the rambam says the coin god went out of the holy of holies he put on the golden garments he finished avoiding he says he took off the holy garments he put on his regular garments and then he would go home and the commentators asked what's the halacha the rambam is not a history book it's a locker book what's he would go home of course at the end of yom kippy he goes on where should he go bowling he should go for pizza he should go to the arcades where should he go at the night of him kippah he goes home why is that a halacha and one of the explanations is i heard from my rebbe he says that's the greatest because after yom kippur the height of yom kippur the holy of holies i'm going to go oh my wife is going to tell me take out the garbage my way by the way i was just in the holy of holies i brought atonement for claw you saw i'm not gonna go deal with my wife then there was no young kipper how do we know yam keep it was yum kipper if you go home you gotta take it home ain't kidding you don't make kiddish and have the meal somewhere else the kiddish has to be in the place of the meal so i say to you i know it's hard i know it's stressful but the stress that's being caused long term from this alienation from your spouse is much worse you have to deal with it go home develop trust maybe you guys have to take some walks cement your marriage if you need outside help get outside help that's we have coach menachem for cpr and work on it and then together you'll create a unified front to help the children i don't mean front as in a war zone but i mean a unified effort to be able to be there for the trial even if there's disagreements disagreements that come in an atmosphere of trust is fine i want you to know just an interesting statistic from some of the real good research about marriage 70 of disagreements in marriages endure forever even in the best marriages meaning when you were 25 years old you had a disagreement with your spouse 70 of those disagreements will continue when you're both 90 and 95 respectively they will not be resolved 70 and it's not a problem that doesn't make it a bad marriage on the contrary what makes it a bad marriage is when the disagreement becomes a fight and a conflict and blame and i can't trust you there'll be disagreements that's fine as long as you're talking you're communicating and you could respect the fact that you have different perspectives okay robert jacob said more questions this is more the general question a little backwards but people are asking somebody text me tonight is lavabre's wedding anniversary is that correct yeah okay so perfect is wedding anniversary 1926 in warsaw the 14th of kislev yes that's true the question do you know that how do you know that i would have just texted me yeah yeah ms and they they and they they had a good marriage they unfortunately didn't have children but i saw they had a good marriage you know i'm going to tell you something i heard this from his doctor his cardiologist he's a jew in chicago his name is dr ira weiss mackay and actor dr ira wise said that he was once discussing with the laboratory his schedule the reba had suffered a terrible massive heart attack in the middle of accomplishment he had serious 1977. they didn't think he will make it it was a massive he said it was it was the highest level but they never made it out and and lived for quite another few years till 94 and with full stamina so he was going through the rabbit schedule of what he does and dr weiss i heard from dr weiss the when he comes home and sometimes that would be five in the morning his wife always stays up his wife would never go to sleep till he came home and the rebbe said every evening he makes sure to come home and they have a cup of tea together for 20 minutes or 30 minutes and they they shmoo as they talk every single day so dr aira wise was discussing what he could cut from the arbor schedule cut this cut cut then and then the rebbe said to him this do not cut out of the schedule because this is for me very very precious i said it's similar to the preciousness that i have of fulfilling the mitzvah of putting on tv and i thought that was incredible because the rebels fill in campaign he wanted every jew to put on villain it was one of the most precious things for him the sign of ahabatnik is that he's driving somebody crazy to put on villain right but but he understood he was he was barely home and he was overworked but the 20 minutes he had with his wife a cup of tea was so precious because i guess it was the time that they just connected and i think in each of our lives it is so important to be able to spend that time to carve out time every day maybe 20 minutes but carve out time in which you can just share not judge and not point fingers but just connect reignite that that connection next question i just remembered that i thought it was moving we're getting a lot more questions but i want to jump because it's a very basic question i think everybody listening this could definitely relate to this what about a marriage that isn't in crisis they're just the love is not there currently busy with kids busy with work getting it you have a lot of regular day-to-day what do you suggest would help these marriages it's the best to really i told you yeah that's why i started off if i don't speak to my brother or you don't speak to your brother for three months it's not good you should speak to your brother less than three months but you know what if we meet three months later at the malava malka we'll go back to we were worth three months ago it's not a problem nothing happened it's not like he doesn't trust me anymore i don't trust them and the same is true with a friend the same is true with a siblings industry with a business partner with a spouse here's the deal if you didn't speak to your spouse for three months you went on a business trip you come back three months later it's not the same person anymore this relationship is completely in a different place let's hope it can survive and the reason is because you're dealing with two people who are essentially different in many ways they're opposites the balatania writes in lakuta toyota masculinity is water femininity is fire fire and water don't co-exist easily it's not simple so naturally the tendency is they drift away you need to actively engage both of them they have to engage each other and re-ignite this relationship between fire and water constantly a top marital therapist who has dealt with thousands of couples told me that ideally every three hours you have to bond with your spouse every three hours you have to write i love you i'm here for you how you doing honey what's going on what can i do for you now you'll say meshuggana every three hours really really i got nothing to do who's paying tuition who's paying for credit cards who's paying for the seminaries who's paying for tuition who's paying the mortgage what am i sitting on a hammock a husband comes to me says i say why is your marriage so stressful he says one o'clock in the afternoon she calls me up and she says how you doing and you know what he says to her every day the same thing he says how i'm doing i'm lying on a hammock reading the wall street journal and drinking a pina colada that's how i'm doing he's so insulted by your question as though he was just enjoying life when he's working hard and i told him she's just trying to bond with you she's just trying to tell you i'm lonely i love you i want to be here for you you're misread you're completely misreading the situation so this guy said every three hours you have to bond but most of us don't do it he said but you know what after three hours you start drifting away but the muzzle is it's not so far so that night you can bring it back together but if a day goes by two days go by three days go by you're drifting further and further and further away and you start living in your own world so i say to you the love can be ignited the trust can be ignited but you can't ignore it it's a plant has to be watered your hanukkah candle it doesn't burn on its own you have to put in more oil more oil maybe you'll have a miracle for eight days but the miracle is not gonna continue for more than eight days you have to replenish it with oil a relationship is the same thing you have to carve out space where you just connect your wife and your husband have to feel that you are their number one priority in life this is the key women and men listen to me okay listen to an unprofessional unprofessional advice but it's true your husband and wife both have to feel that you are number one priority in life you are the most important thing to me if your wife doesn't feel this from you and your husband doesn't feel this from you we have to work on that and make sure he or she is experiencing it how learn about the five languages of love maybe he needs words of affirmation three times a day maybe she needs gifts maybe he needs acts of service maybe there's a need for touch maybe she or he needs quality time together but these languages have to be nurtured maybe it's just a note under the pillow or a card under her pillow but not once in three years in honor of the 29th anniversary we're gonna go to cancun for six days a hero of humanity we went to cancun for six days for the 25th anniversary beautiful i love you join let me also go to cancun with you already paying two tickets buy another one these are continuous continuous acts that demonstrate to her and to him i am here with you for you you could lean on me a thousand percent i can lean on you a thousand percent we may not agree about everything we may have different opinions we may have different perspectives but we trust each other there is a sense of belonging this is critical work on it because you know what happens when you don't it doesn't remain in the same place you go there like this like this you drift away and this is even with people who don't have dysfunctional trauma certainly if there's insecurity and there's trauma and there's wounds the moment he makes a comment she makes a comment oh i knew she doesn't like me i knew he's not here for me so it's so important to constantly dispel the the myths that this marriage is hopeless by continuously communicating connecting and showing care empathy and connection hey rabbi jacobson abasha you agree with me 100 somebody just texted me something and i wasn't even going to read it i'm going to read it they said i have a great marriage but my kids is more priority i completely disagree so no no listen i understand what you're saying your kids are priority but i want to tell you if you really want your kids to be priority make sure your marriage is priority okay i know you want your kids to be priority because they're your kids make sure your marriage is priority unless i know there are i know there are exceptions if one of the spouses is gitmeshige one of them is just completely abusive or horrible or sick whatever i know there are exceptions i'm not talking about unique exceptions where you have to protect the children from a spouse who has unfortunately you know lost the plot i'm talking about in most cases where you're talking about stable and responsible people okay let's go to the next live question you're on um hi i'm razi um and um robert jacobson just mentioned something about the husband always being if he's sane and he should be your relationship should be priority um i'm in a position more like i worked on my marriage a lot but obviously because um my kids sort of are my priority more than more than um and if i have a position where my 19 year old son he's not really thriving in yeshiva he's really a good boy and i could see his qualities more than his father can so over the years of the negativity and he expresses expresses a lot of negativity like even at a shabbos meal when we have strangers when we have family members and even the little kids will be like oh yeah something like you'll be the king of sleeping you know and it's like they feed off the feet off the jokes you know quotes so that's my um [Music] and you know here and there i'll be like i'll tell my husband you know something like nobody ever you know in a positive way in a private you know setting nobody ever changed because of a negativity and let's see how we can do this in a positive way he's a good boy he's not doesn't have bad friends he's not doing bad things um and it's like we don't have to love him when he's on drugs you know let's love him before the drugs um so let's love them before the drugs i like that yeah um um so and he's and he and he hears me you know and he's like wow he agrees with me yeah i like that i like that approach and then boom a few hours later we have my in-laws and he's braiding him in front of his grandparents and and then i'll call him like and then it becomes like and then i'm trying to teach my son if you don't like what someone says you can leave right and it's like part of it is insanity right in front of in front of his grand grandparents i have to tell him he could leave now and then i'm the husband you know and then i'm the makritsif and my mother and will say i'm them it's like it's it's how do we how do i break this well it's not fair yeah yeah i don't i don't know your husband so it's hard for me to give advice but generally it's not fair to put your parents before your spouse it doesn't it's not good for a marriage um it's true about all husbands and wives we love our fathers and we love our mothers and we want to be there for them but if that is causing a conflict between our relationship with our spouse there's something not good here there has to be appropriate boundaries the posix says in parish is veracious a man says goodbye to tati and mommy cleaves to his wife and they become one flesh one second why can't you just be one flesh with your tati and mommy what do you have to leave your father and mother they took care of you all these years they brought you to the world the answer is because you cannot be one flesh with your parents like you are with your spouse you know why because for your parents you're a child they have each other and that comes first you're a child only with your spouse can you be one so we have to respect that relationship of course we want to be there for our parents and respect our parents and love our parents and have our parents over and it's the greatest trust to have grandparents but it's so important if that's compromising the respect for a wife or a husband that has to be dealt with so i think if at all possible it's extremely important to have this conversation with your husband in a kind compassionate way not confrontational or not angry if you need a third person maybe you need a third person to be able to help him understand how damaging it is first of all it's damaging to you it's damaging to the marriage and how toxic it can be for the child and if he's a father who really cares about his child he has to fight for this child we have to fight for our children we have to defend our children even if there is disappointment and there's pain but we want the best for our children our children have to feel that we are ready to fight for them we are going to make sure they have the best chance to succeed in life and first and foremost by standing up for them by standing up for their true virtues by standing up for their true goodness by believing in them by bringing out the best in them by accentuating their miles and their beauty by believing in their divine potential so that they can believe in themselves so that's our first and foremost responsibility as parents and i think we have to communicate you have to communicate to him or somebody else has to communicate to him that you can't throw your child under the bus just because zadie and bobby arrived on the contrary it's in the presence of zadie and bobby that you have such an opportunity to build up your child imagine if this same child will hear that his father will respond to his mother or his father to zadie and bobby and say let me tell you about my jocelyn about my muthala about my ankle about my daughter and make sure that this child can feel like a million dollars in the presence of his adm bobby so explain to him these are priceless opportunities to help this kid rise above his challenges and live a beautiful productive jewish life beautiful rabbit jackets a really really beautiful answer um i have a bunch more questions i'm going to try to cover just two more that's okay i'll ask this one it came in two different forms but uh my wife helped me merge it my husband has a very low self-esteem he doesn't believe he is capable of doing anything he is looking for a job now for the past three years and everything that comes up he says it's not for me i can't do that that doesn't work i have a minimal income things are falling apart he's not helping the situation we discuss if he claims he is trying his best i'm losing respect for him more and more every day please give me some advice robert jacobson yeah low self-esteem so i'm giving a sigh because it's tough it's hard and i'm sorry for what you're going through and if i could be here for you in any way i'm happy to be here and i i i i i am empathetic for this challenge because it's a challenge it's a difficult challenge what i think is so important to understand again and again is that there's a catch-22 situation because if you cut him down and tell him you know get rid of your low self-esteem and get your life together and get a job and get out of the house and support the family probably what's going to happen is his self-esteem will become even more shattered and he will run even more into his hole and run away from the situation yet even more and won't help on the other hand by ignoring it and just letting him be there's no solution so what i feel is that it's very important for us to again come from a place of very deep empathy and compassion why does he have a low self-esteem i don't know but he's probably struggling with something for so many years he may not even be aware of what's happening he may be a very talented guy he may actually be brilliant as far as i know i don't know your husband again so it's so important to be able for you to have compassion for your own pain and for the way you deal with things that are difficult in your life for your own flaws so you could now also mirror that compassion towards him and really have compassion for his journey because probably it's hurtful for him that he can't bring in a couple of dollars or more than a couple of dollars to support his family and maybe when you're coming from that place you can help him become aware of the fact that there's help out there because we're not created with low self-esteems we're created as ambassadors of the ribena shalom in this world every person has midas as the kabbalists and the mystics say we each have an inner royal core call israel the name the mishnah says every jew is a prince and the zoya says call you surah malachi you're not only a prince or a princess you're a king rabb iron of carlin said the greatest tragedy is when a prince forgets that he's a prince so every single one of us was sent on a mission we were given extraordinary resources and potentials to maximize our opportunities and our potentials each one of us is an ambassador of the rebornish loyal in this world an ambassador of love and light and hope and healing and wisdom and authenticity and redemption an ambassador for truth and for ava sis so we want to be able to bring that out in people believe in them so that they can believe in themselves is there a way through a lot of compassion for you to create a crack in the wall in the mejitsa barsel that your husband created to protect himself from his own pain to show him that there's real help out there he probably needs help he probably needs a good therapist to help him deal with his stuff or maybe a greater of or maybe a great mashpia or maybe a great friend but somebody who gets it somebody who's on the ball somebody who has empathy somebody who can help him get out of it i think it's maybe the long shorter way that gemara discusses the short long way and the long short way the short long way is i scream at you it sounds great but a day later we're back to square one the long short way to the marion aerov and on gimmel is it's a longer path and a little more winding when we get to our destination perhaps with compassion you can you know in a wise way wisdom that is reserved for women bini isha create a crack in that insecurity and that fear that you know there's there's so much in you so much in you and without judgment somebody can help you and let's see if we can schlep him out and extricate him from this uh from this abyss okay next live question follow me yes hi a good noventra by rabbi jacobson i i have a question which is a very uh very broad question i'm going to try to minimize my word since i see we're short in time um there there is a there was a joke somebody said once that not a lot of a lot of couples not only that they're too young to get married but the parents are too young young to marry off their children that being said there is there's uh as ammat once said there's a difference that people are mistaking in the difference between kova de nacas a lot of couples a lot of parents get involved in the children's marriage now had these parents stayed out of the marriage and they would let the couple live their own life these marriages would have been some somewhat okay and even perfect and even good what would you tell these couples and the same time and that same word tell these parents first of all on how to stay out of the couple's marriages and let them be for the way there is and just let them even if they're not bringing you covered and for the same time the couple should grow in their own way and be healthy and you know live together ever happily ever after okay in my family i was zoe i'm privileged to have some very wise woman in my family wise sisters and wives sisters-in-law mikhoblani from all of them i don't have married children so what's the last name based from wise women in my family that when your children get married one of the most damaging things for mothers-in-law is to start giving ates to a daughter-in-law or a son-in-law of how to live and even if they ask you for a nature he's because you're dealing with a very fragile relationship you have to respect the autonomy and the independence of the new couple yes if there is a serious dysfunctional situation khalilah you know a couple just told me their their son was married to a serious borderline personality that coming home from the wedding from the wedding she was on facebook for a few hours the night of the wedding when they came home and it went worse and worse and they pushed away and they schlepped their son out of the marriage because he was so nice and they saved his life his mother said he would have committed suicide fine there are situations where you have to intervene because we're dealing with with you know horrible abusers whatever it is obviously but in a situation where you know people have to grow up people make mistakes to get involved in a marriage start criticizing your daughter-in-law to your son or your son-in-law to your daughter why are you doing this and even if you're very afraid of something be smart examine shove it look what's happening don't right away into vienna mary start criticizing him and her you want to make sure that their marriage blossoms you want to make sure that they learn to respect each other you want to make sure that they learn how to communicate because by hashem you want them to be able to move on outside of you and therefore it's so important to create the proper boundaries you want to be there for your in for your daughter-in-law you want to be there for your son of course you want to be there for your son and your daughter but being there for them means respecting their boundaries and not intervening where it's unnecessary and where it's damaging unless in unique situations where she really wants your help and there's really that close relationship of respect to hate from the side of the young couple from their perspective they have to really communicate honestly with each other and sometimes they have to create healthy and respectful boundaries if a father-in-law or mother-in-law or parents are really mixing into places they shouldn't mix in you have to do it with sacral if you need to ask advice from somebody ask advice from somebody you don't want to alienate people and be disrespectful and be cruel solemn especially if they have good intentions and they're not trying to hurt you they're just trying to help maybe they're a little controlling maybe they don't always have say hello but sometimes you have to create bow injuries you know maybe this shabbos we can't come this job is we have to be alone maybe we won't be able to be there at the mitzvothans till four o'clock in the morning and at every shevabro because we won't be able to we're still busy working out our shania resina you have to create appropriate and respectful boundaries in a way that is respectful and sacral dick and most importantly not to alienate people and not to respond from a place of anger and insecurity but from a place of compassion and decency and uh let's jump to one more respect what i'm sorry but somebody said interest interesting thing i once saw of art avraham avinu is looking for a shidduch for yitzhak he sends a liezer go yourself go yourself find the shindafi you give everything away everything away he sends alias he doesn't go himself i once saw a vart avram knew that yitzhak has an opposite personality than he ramos has said was if he's going to look for a shidduch for a yitzhak he's going to choose the wrong woman he's going to choose a woman that works for him sorrow was guru it worked for him he sent elias eliezer knew yitzhak very well because he grew up with eliezer but he was objective eliezer will find the right woman for for yitzhak and elias found a rifka who was made and she was gevaldic a counterbalance for yitzhak voor pachadi what do we see from here of ram understood you care for your child admits but you have to remember your child is not you and the shidduch that will work for you may not work for your child and what your child needs in a spouse and doesn't need in a spouse may be very different than what you need in a spouse and don't need in a spouse that is a very important and painful recognition thank you squeeze one more life and i know it's a time for tickling hot sauce but so be it good marriages will help bring the googler faster so it's part of the size of the anniversary okay you're on i mean thank you so much for squeezing me in um i guess my question is we didn't squeeze you in we're letting you in with wide open doors thank you so i know the financial strain was only the four percent and but i feel like sometimes that strain of financial could cloud all the other strains such as communication because if you want to work on it sometimes you have to go to therapy and you have to go do all these things to work on it or make time but sometimes you don't have the time because of financial strain and sometimes you don't even have physical support you don't live physically near family members to even help support you freely and um so someone who does need that extra help of working through past traumas or even putting that extra effort into work and doesn't have the financial means of even twenty dollars towards the cleaning lady to help relieve time for wife or husband how do they go about getting like how does such a person or such a couple um go about um working through the marriage if the couple really is committed and they really want to yeah so what i would say and and i know i'm saying this with with with pain and empathy i know it's not simple you have to reach out for help because it's more important it's more just like if hashem there would be somebody who needs a certain medication or needs a certain procedure and there's no money we reach out right they make tested funds and charity funds and stuck of funds and you call your rich uncle and your zayd and your bubba when a marriage is breaking down to get help is very vital in fact sometimes it could be hat solas nafashas not just for them but for generations healthy marriages wholesome marriages creates love in the home it creates years shamayim in the home it creates beauty and not creates kedush in the home comes there so that's why it's so important i would say in yiddish is an expression it's time to transcend our shame and reach out to those who care for you maybe it's parents siblings friends people who can help even a little bit if there's literally nobody yeah reach out to organizations who can help reach out to rabbis who care ask on them people who care i mean i'm not talking about bureaucrats don't want people who care about hashem every jewish community is blessed today with people who have big hearts i know in lakewood myself people call me and i send them to certain individuals who are sadikim i call them sadikim in lakewood and in many other communities who are there for jesus of lila and you know what there's funds that are created but don't be ashamed reach out and with besayata de shmaya we'll get the help that we need i just want to tell this lady um that somebody just texted on the chat that she should email email coach monaco gmail he says he will take care of it i don't know see that you see that it could be that this whole zoom yeah which shabasha calls what he called burn flicks birth flight and netflix burflex we're in competition okay burn flick now burn flicks is much more powerful probably more productive so it could be the whole thing was created just for such a moment you know the balshemptiv says that a soul comes down for 70 80 years sometimes to do one favor to a jew spiritually or physically so here you have a jew who's listening to the program listening to a woman and says to email him and he'll he'll provide the assistance so look first of all it tells you what type of people we are this person doesn't know you this person could go and say i'll give the money to my son-in-law give the money to my yeshiva keep the money in my bank account we'll go on an extra vacation but jews are brothers we're sisters so the first of all that itself is so encouraging so powerful you know we always talk about you do this i'm bad bad bad bad look look what type of people we have and it's happening here in the middle of the night and it just demonstrates to you that we have to do our work and hashem will grant us the assistance that we need financially or other assistance to be able to make our marriages blossom beautiful okay remember jacobson so that person will ask send us email coachmen gmail.com and we'll put you in contact with this person beautiful i'm jinxed the whole share all thousands of people is worth it just for that hello we can make it we can make we can we can connect we know with what's it called to raise it to one of these things you know charity it's very special and yet nobody knows nobody knows the impact generations to come this is this is what you all have to remember in life the rambam says always look at yourself and that the world is equally balanced and he says one act one word and one thought of positivity one mitzvah can tip the scale and save the world so when i was teaching this rambam before him kipper i said people look at this room and okay you know nice encouraging words but is it realistic then i said look what happened in march or february a guy in china went and he bought a bat because in china they eat bats he bought a bat and wuhan to feed his family for dinner they were gonna have a sunday night bat dinner okay i know it's not lakewood style but it's it's wuhan style okay and then he sneezed this guy sneezed and what happened from his knees 7.7 billion people were on lockdown for nine months because a guy in wuhan sneezed okay so this is true about a sneeze in china how much more so is it true about one mitzvah one favor one gesture that you do for another yid it changes the world whether we realize it or we don't always realize it thank you so much robert jackson again i want to give you a question for coming on again and giving your time and helping the islam this is my honor it's tremendous i want to apologize for all the people uh according to what my numbers i'm seeing i'm seeing over a thousand people couldn't get him so we're talking about over two thousand people that were trying to get in here tonight i'm sure we'll have the video and we'll post it in representatives you'll send it out um if somebody wants to contact you you can send anything with the culture nothing rabbi jacobson what's your website yoshi.net do you have an email the yeshiva.net or you can email me rabbi yui at the yeshiva.net rabbi yui at the yeshiva.net just give me a few days to answer because there's quite a few emails i'm getting already about so you just imagine again thank you for that being a thousand and the kazakh already literally thousands of people tonight and uh made that i don't feel you know so much takeaway material if you could basically write a book on tonight's year um again we didn't we didn't cover a lot so again i'm going to ask you uh some dritimo [Laughter] to come back again we love you we need you here it's such a growing crowd over here you have over here 700 people at 12 10 at night that are coming to be and to grow it says a lot it really does uh i want to give a special thank you to tonight's sponsor klein's ice cream iri klein who closely watched the show he was so in this fall from it he sponsored tonight and uh because of that everybody knows about the sheer and it's a big big huss and uh should be surprised for you and you're klein's ice cream was one of our sources of emotional nurture growing up let's remember that flying ice cream filled an important void in our lives it came out from yeshiva you got a frasca flask there what was our protection net what was our safe nobody went to therapy then nobody asked you how you feeling you want to process your emotions it was klein's ice cream why is it ice cream save thousands of years in yeah not the power of the milk please thank you again for being fred franklin who will get in the coma and hashem discuss from the share should be to be tremendous for them so first of all thank you so much coach menachem thank you so much my dear friend usher thank you so much to the thousand and more than thousand jews from lakewood and from all over america and all over the world who have joined us here for a very special evening my privilege and my hus and may hashem help all of you and all of us to be able to face our challenges head on and realize that we're never ever completely lost and that your soul is always more powerful than all of that adversity your face your neshama is divine and therefore you could contain all that you have experienced and all your experience doesn't mean it's easy and it doesn't mean that we don't have what to deal with but it does mean never ever feel that hope is lost and you're trapped your divine core could never be trapped because it's infinite it's indispensable and it's invincible i'll just share with you in conclusion a very charming insight somebody once sent me there are two gemaras that say similar but about different situations the gemara says that a person should sell everything he has if necessary in order to marry the right woman to marry what hazal called the boston with hachem which means a girl who grew up in a home filled with proper values with respect with alva sis hashem you should sell everything in order to marry such a woman but the gemara also says that one should sell everything he has in order to buy shoes min alim laraglov shoes for your feet two things that you have to sell everything for the right spouse and to have shoes what's the connection between these two things so somebody once shared with me a very charming insight that i'm going to share with you he said i'll tell you the connection number one no matter how expensive your shoes are they're worth nothing unless you have two of them together if somebody goes and spends three thousand dollars on the right shoe or on the left shoe it's worthless it's gonna cause you more harm than benefit you always have to have two shoes that's number one number two two right shoes or two left shoes are not gonna do the trick they're worthless you have to have two different shoes to complement each other number three a new shoe is a little tight at first but with time and patience you adjust and both shoes become a comfortable and perfect fit number four if it's hard to get the shoe on sometimes you need to bend down and help it along if you're gonna stand directly and say no no i don't bend down i don't compromise sorry i can't listen to anybody else bend out get don climb down from your tall tree and from your arrogance or hubris or which is really insecurity and get that shoe on and finally for the shoe to fit properly make sure to keep the tongue tucked inside thank you very much and have a good night good night everybody see you next time same place same same time same place thank you everybody this class is brought to you by the yeshiva.net please help us continue the classes make even a small contribution at www.theyoshiva.net donate