Rav Shloime Ehrlich - Five Tips; Bring Your Marriage to Higher Level While Going Through Challenges

many different in the animal kingdom there's any difference like pigeons they they marry the sister is like the parents leave two eggs a boy and a girl and they have children why did I shall make that claw lethal that humans should marry from one family to the other that we all have different backgrounds different natures is to work in ourselves to become better it's like to integrate and work out stuff but that in itself leaves a lot of a lot of practice a lot of work and a lot of until we become better beings but when a huge challenge comes into life that's when it becomes that's when we have to bring our marriage to the next level just two months ago they hired me to speak by Mickey me if you know what it is you shouldn't know it's an organization that helps patients and families of patients that have were diagnosed with a very sad situation and they had a love of melkor they got the guts in muncie they were like 106 people so they wanted me to some give them some guidance or some comfort and so he spoke some Kaiser can how to deal with you know different types of issues in there with the other kids and the families but really there was a question-and-answer session afterwards and all of them there was very common that was saying how do we deal with it I deal with the issue very different than my husband deals with it or they my wife deals with it we all have a different outlook how to deal with the child how do we tell the other kids but I think it's even more so when we deal with the current with children that challenge us or I don't like the labels Ltd's I don't whatever label it is that's when I think there could be a lot of I don't want to do with conflict or it could be a very different way and a different approach how to look at it let's see for instance there's a people are shopping in Walmart and suddenly there's an explosion on the other side of the store is an explosion of smoke right there's a few hundred people in the store everybody's gonna deal with that's very different some people are going to run out some people gonna grab others run out so I'm going to run towards it to see how they help and some are gonna freeze right this fight for flight and freeze then I'll say freeze I added freeze but you see it there the light shines in the ice freezes it doesn't know what to do doesn't it's not aggressive it was run away but many people do that we freeze we don't know what to do and within that is a difference between the men and the women how they gonna see and deal with this when there's a tragedy happens in a family something goes very wrong comes from a health issue or a child that goes of the derrick or just chooses to going through different stages usually the husband and wife have a very different outlook there are certain things we all have different egos men of egos and women of egos we all have our own covered our own but it's very different sometimes the the husband or the of the father is more concerned about shame whether the street gonna say in how to deal with ASO then with that and the mother and the wife is dealing with the total different issues that then bother cerements could be with the other kids she's our maternal so there's different types of concerns there both are concerned for the same thing they want the child to grow up healthy and happy and and Fraumeni and productive but what happens is if you don't work together as a team obviously it obviously it's not going to be not only it's not going to be it's not gonna work out good it's gonna be destructive it's not gonna be there are so many times in in life that we have to work together an extra level let's say looking for a thing you look for for your child it's very common that you have a different outcome than your wife or the attorney husband it's a very different what you're looking for how did you go about it should we call shakkoumon should we not call you know there's always in general there's oh you know I do with couples a lot since Shalom bias it's so common that you have he's always on time she's always late or the other way around he's a perfectionist she's a slob with the other way around I just had to cover the way no vacation this guy's spent that over like $5,000 on vacation it's a suit or whatever he wanted to run around he spent so much money want to run around and she said running mean I worked so hard all year I want to sit in the yamame look on the beach so just just relax I'm not interested and sometimes I had the opposite everybody's different styles some people want to go on vacation just relax someone to run around some are spenders some are more saviors it's it's it's a it's it's part of a sense I don't want to say comedy but but that's what he does we could make it dates and go out I don't know how many times we get married you get to see there's so many things that were opposites but that's the beauty of life that's the beauty of marriage that we grow together and we become we integrate if you're if you're 11 and she's an RN she the children gonna be great foods right so it's always it's good to integrate but when it comes to a challenge with something way more way beyond and just you know always always have to wait for you you're never on time or you're always you know stop spending on this it's it's you know all these differences it's when dealing with your own child your own inner and what you're sharing together it can be so painful and even more so when the child was already in a stage where where it's it's it's just it's a dreadful but it's already in the MA in a and in the state where it's it's a danger mode there's a lot of thoughts back you know last year I was here for this for the shadows and so many people just wanted to tell me how it happens oh when he wasn't this is Shiva he was kicked out and I should have let him believe and then he went to here or she went to here the hope they always I kept on hearing that everybody's repeating the process how it happened because some of you find ourselves our childhood is you know it's doing all kinds of stuff and it's it's it's already so what happens is this could bring blame oh my husband should have listened to me when we started the first place we shouldn't have sent the text role that was a mistake or we sent her to this school or we listened to this one but listen to that one there's a lot of those kind of things so obviously we have to minimize that if we want to to be productive and work together to save the child and ultimately to save the whole family if you're working together as a team you look and sandé the difference the gender difference is the way a woman sees the situation the man sees the situation and you see beyond maybe what's plans was good that's okay that's okay on a daily basis and the regular thing we'll talk about in a general plan right he's setting up a plan how to deal with this child the child is out the child is a teenager she knows that he knows what he's doing already at least they think so and they're out the street they're big they could there's huge decisions that has to be made together obviously it could be another element on a daily basis each child could ask you all right even little kids could ask you I want to have a snack before I'm going to bed tonight you could say yes and then they ask daddy and then he says no that's okay it's not a conflict it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't take away the stability of the child it's not it's not the we talk about the plans and how to deal with the whole with the whole situation the worst thing in marriages in general is that people sometimes grow apart while you're dating while you meet here in the same level and you disguise and other things and then eventually you know he gets these influences she get hurt if they read different papers and again 20 years later they find themselves on two different sides and the kids end up feeling that but if you have to work together to save a child you have to start growing together and growing together as a choice it's a choice it's a it's a it's a decision we have to make a decision that we have to work on this project together on saving this child as much as we can and the rest of the children and that's something that that why we're talking about this today and I think that the many different speeches on this topic because obviously this is something that has to be discussed this is just not again as I said before this is not only with parents that are struggling with teens if this is parents that are strong with children that are not healthy or are married kids that are not happily married and there's so many other things that life could bring we have to workforce basically when we have a struggle like this were forced to work on our marriage and to bring to the next level and that's that's something that we have to focus on so I think that's getting a little more practical hands-on how do how to bring the marriage together and a place that we could work as a team to save this child and to make all the other kids stable I always save this before that just one second I would say that people say I remember like 25 years ago 30 years ago Rabbi Abraham Jay torski was the first one that came out with a book and was talking about self confidence right there was like a new thing at the time and everybody was into it it took a few years Stila penetrated and all the speakers now it's a given we all know we got to give you child's confidence you have to build them up you have to give them and then love everybody no you have to give you child love we all know we have to give our child children love I mean you know post-holocaust they are my parents whatever the parents of six-year-olds their parents were Holocaust survivors they didn't give if you survived you're a good you know what about today's generation we need to give but there's one word that is not mentioned enough and that is security and stability if a child feels secure my parents are always gonna be here to protect me that's a very important ingredient if you don't have that you could give them as much love as you want the child doesn't feel comfortable in this world they don't they don't feel secure you can give them love and try to build up the confidence it's not gonna work you need to give them security they need to feel secure and what makes them feel secure if talk to your mommy are a team if the father if the husband or wife are not a team again it's not like I said before if he wants a snack reverse a bed that song it's in a stable the child is not gonna feel stable and the child doesn't feel stable whenever you put into the child afterwards it's also it's like it's like building a cup and then he could fill it up if it has holes and if it's not a stable cup you could pour in whatever you want that's gonna leak out the the structure of the human being the structure of the child of every child is to feel that my father and my mother are a team and this is a stable home it's okay if my post parents think a little different than different things it's okay but they need to feel that and how did they feel that by working together say ask daddy ask mom or you know different things I see working together they see that the parents should respect each other they see this parents love each other and that's fine that's that's saying it but when it comes to a story like this you have this child that's starting to become at risk acting up by the Shabbos meals or throwing things I need to tell you all this we all have different stories what's in the same category the other kids are seeing are looking consciously and even more so self-consciously how are my two pillars my father and my mother going to deal with this together when there's an eruption in the house is it explosion and there's a a teener of making it a tantrum in the house how is my father my mother going to handle this are they strong do they know how to deal with this or she's gonna scream it you deal with it no you deal with it I don't know what to say why screaming ending it should be nice don't fight it out in the bedroom look work it out how you want to deal with it but as soon as the other children that child that knows does it feel that when there's a problem in the house the parents are not a team together they're not working on this together this takes away the stability of the other kids and this child also they want to see you being a team and a strong team that that's giving the security and and and and the and the stability in the home so I think that the first thing is the women are like this one communication you know communicate more you have to communicate more yes communication is like this you know that say quick you know the morale always talks about there's a diamond but samaya kinda madaba rights of this so the diamond that Samantha's so different the dynamism is a is a water of stolons nothing it's a miles of it grows it and then there's a Madhavi which is us what's the difference between a high and a Madhavi that a chi is alive an animal could come and go could also reproduce and everything but it can't talk but is it that that were is the talking the more is the talking that the difference between us in the Chi isn't it the cycleway of psycho and brains we could we could build bridges we go up to the moon an animal kept more more than his own territory he doesn't have to do it you doesn't and the answer is he gives is because madaba communicating is what makes us more than the animals it's not so much a cycle of course a cycle is huge our brains is amazing but if you can't communicate if you can't give over and you can't tell the other party who you're communicating to your problems you issues with them or communicating or I mean communicating your your feelings or your understandings and understand and listen and everything that comes along with communication you're not a Madhavi is still a high that's what makes us special so if a team works together and there's a huge project when we have a child like this it's a huge very serious needless to say project and it's not just something that happens on its own we need to work on it and how's it gonna be if the couple has to designate the put away extra time to communicate how are we dealing with this kid and not only that how are we dealing with each other so if you put away time extra time because there's so much stress in the house and so because there's so much issues you put away a time you go on a date once a week you could be married 25 years I don't care just go on a date you take a time everyone's then I Tuesday night something or whatever it is an hour two hours it doesn't have to cost money there's nothing just close your phone not a vibrator close the husband on the wife you have time to look at each other's eyes and it's time not about the situation just general just to know the relationship just to have extra time if you have more stress you have to add more more more of the good things you have to do there wants us to be a balance and if people the couple has time together they they they stay they bring together and talk and communicate I think that alone gives courage to deal later with the other problems it has to be it has to be that number two you have to become your spouse's therapist we could all live outside the therapist do we talk to everything but at the end of the day a wife wants her husband to understand and no her feelings about the situation with the child and to validate it and the same thing is the husbands of course they're not gonna admit it all of them but they also want their wives to really know their deeper inner feeling of how they feel and they hope to show their issue the part that bothers the man other than different that bothers for the woman the this challenge this child sounds and they want the wife to have a feeling and feel along and to say and validate you become so many says I was so embarrassed we went to this in this wedding and our child walked in there looking like who knows what and maybe to hurt this part doesn't bother her as much as bothersome you have to really understand them and feel it and validate it and if you again if you designate a time for this you're gonna deal with this you're gonna say yeah I understand you it makes sense it's terrible that this is how you feel and this is how it is we're forced to become therapists so we have to I mean anybody this marriage to be but we have to work together and understanding the other the other parties feelings and I think that's that's a very very important thing number three I think what's very important is to have a common mentor you both decide that whenever we have a challenge there's something coming up there's a there's a change the plan you have we're gonna ask you try to work it out together if it doesn't work you ask this in this professional that deals with these kind of kids or whatever and you say whatever they say we both follow like this is no one to blame afterwards it doesn't work out there's no there's no difference between the husband and wife this we decided together that we're listening to this and is professional after this in this rough or to listen this person and whenever they say that's what we're following it's gonna take its gonna avoid so many so much pain and so much confusion it's gonna avoid all kinds of issues that could come up later say listen we decided if we're following and we asked a sham that this person that we're asking should have which they have to smile whatever they say that's what we're doing it's very important to have a mentor someone that we discuss and it has to be an agreed method of whatever this person says that's what we're doing and that's and I think that could avoid a lot of issues and I just bring people together now I want to talk about something which I think is the most of all of it is to put away a time when you're going to deal with this issue or any issue in life if someone let's say you're looking in the regular issue you look for of a child your child is getting a little older and so what happens is it's constantly on your mind it's costing you might be thinking what are we gonna do what I'm gonna do it shall kind of an up calling this is should we call so for people that have even dagger soprano so some people don't have pronounced it it's also constantly on their mind on their mind at the mind what happens is it's stealing them from life because they're constantly thinking about that particular problem life is so much bigger than that with so much pleasures and so much good things in life we could focus on our good kids we could focus on ourselves and health and everything of simchas and there's always good things in life but if someone has an issue that's bugging them constantly on their mind they're stealing their own their own their own their own life I was once in a in a old-age home and there was an elder either with incessant feeling this kind of as final you should you should learn from the elderly so both had a suppose that I was very smart full heat and asked him this book has a question about life and I asked him if you could relive life again what would you do different let's say you turn 20 now what would you the different he thinks a second and he says nothing I would live life exactly the same way at it now the only thing I would change I would never worry again whatever I worried for I'm looking back I was word for my son was not married he was ADA ready I was worried about this if it has to work out good or the other way around it worked out anyway it happened anyway the worrying Stoll's my time I sold my life and this much it sounds simple but to me was this was such a deep message like you're giving it an oldy in an opportunity again it says nothing I just never worry again you don't worry about how you're gonna pay a mortgage you don't worry how much gonna working out with a child everything is going to work out the way I shine wants to be and it's going to be anyway so why should I steal but the only way to do it is if we learn I think this is a general gift you can give yourself the you designate a time so let's say every Sunday night you sit down for two hours and together and discuss this child what are we doing next we're we're off do you have a file a folder you write down last time the mentor said this we should do that did anything change this week they did not change where we're going from here and as soon as the time is up you close that book you leave and the whole week you don't think about it mine if it's emergency you deal with it twice a week three times a week but it designate a time the rest of the time the rest of the week you're focusing on yourselves you're focusing on your other kids you're focusing on the world you're focusing on your business and whatever it is and your relationships whatever it is don't let it comment for pops up in your mind you tell yourself Sunday six o'clock we'll deal with it you have a thought we should call maybe this what you write on that thing you put it away and only push it after a few weeks what's gonna happen is I tried and tested this many times and worked with so many people I was very shy but on this year for sister the system for divorced women and I spoke there for them and Chavez and then melted Shabbos it was a lot of someone was sitting around and they wanted a like it was like it happens if they came like a like a workshop sort of so I was elaborating on this topic how it works exactly we have our subconscious of subconscious constantly brings up the issues a whole time and all that so what's gonna be with that all the worries what's gonna be what's gonna be so I told him it's just like a little child if you have a little child a two-year-old knocking daddy I want a candy I want to go already right and you say mama no mama now I'm on the phone right I'm on the phone mommy I want this I'm on the phone one minute child isn't about one minute means again and again and again how can you get a child to stop bugging you they say if you do something cause you say you see the clock it has a stick when the stick is gonna be straight that's when I'm going to take it they're gonna stop because they know that this at this time you're going to deal with it I'll subconscious the same thing if you give it a time after a few weeks the same way when you go to therapy I always say the best thing is to do it the same day of the week at the same time if let's just you go to therapy for a few weeks or something you make it the same time your subconscious is gonna know it's gonna learn after a few weeks that Thursday 3 o'clock is when I deal with this issue and it's really going to let you live the rest of the time if Manish works it's like it's like a mess so you cannot live and breathe that I talk to parents they say I'm I'm not sleeping at night I'm not eating of this and I'm so worried about my child and it's true it's very worrisome and it is this is this is a one of the worst pains a person could have think more assess clearly this is the worst pain to have in the world I think said problems but many different shadow tones that last year when I came to the Chabot tone for the teams at risk to me this was I've seen more pain over here that I've seen them in other places in which so this is a very painful thing but if you designate you put a time you're gonna see it's gonna it's gonna become easier situations not gonna change you're gonna change and you're gonna just know how to deal with it it's just gonna become lighter you're saying you know what I'm designating this time and this is what I'm going to do with it the idea that that we are in control is something that happens when we're three year old kids four year olds when we start building blocks and you say I have I built something I made something right and then you have it falls down there you build it again you start building up something and you start taking control of things around you you cook your own lunch you know what it is you start doing things at throughout life as you get older we start believing in ourselves that we're building up we could do something we're productive I know how to deal with this and I don't think with that and of course men are different than when when it comes to this before there was GPS a man would never stop to ask directions you say I know how to go there go go around the block 25 times still try to find I'm gonna figure it out don't worry I'm gonna figure it out instead of stopping and asking someone you know but we all are like that in different ways these children these boys and girls when they go through something they say don't tell me how to deal with it I know ready you know I talked to this 17 year old 18 was 20 volts different ages and they say I know how to deal with it it's okay right and we try to rationalize with them and it doesn't work he tried to rationalize with with a with someone that's that's in that mode that's just not gonna it's not gonna work there's the there was a see the forever 150 years ago it's called the Shipman's able cover he wrote a safe is called nihari h-he was more like a like the peasants in the river a little more psychological shall see the sure ever like a little out of the box let's call it this but it was a little for those years he was like wow and he writes something interesting it says in the turret it says that the Comoros is at montreux been harassed and over the metal hasta shem tov leak me roundly right we all know the question Saavik if the TARDIS says that I'm gonna pay you back and this was the holy schmoley Schmitt so I said if you're gonna do the tyrant Mitsos you're gonna get them to close the tank oh and if not not and then you see it Sonique him that up people the righteous so they can doesn't mean that Sally what a person it does righteous it does live is the third way doesn't Oakland are and those mitzvahs and the basics it's considered italic in the end there and and they're having SARS so of course we know that there's all kinds of nice shuttle effect are you looking this way in that way Eve was trying to figure it out it was nobody got an answer basically so he says something interesting this is if someone is a real topic they're living in a higher level they see everything is a sham and everything is a Scullion it's all about the next world it's not about here whatever Shem does is good today I'm Rob they don't have pronounced us a big deal we're talking their health issues whatever they have they don't care that it's not they're living for a share of the total devoted to sham completely to them it's not so he says what is sounding the rally if someone has a child that's over there that's the question that motion are buying esta sham sounds like Varela how could it be all the other stuff they could name about a child growing up there that's that's that's that's the most painful thing in the world then how do we answer that that's called sound occur Ali you know the game Stratego right the sir super sick my kids are playing last week Shabbos my five-year-old an eight year old see them playing and then the younger one comes in he wants to figure out how it works and says let show me where's your flag right you know the flag is the last so he's I can't show you my flash you look like the game is over I said ah sounding around boy if Hashem tells us this answer the game is over Moshe a nasturtium horrendous given a close shot show me show me your face and we know she was not physical not to show me your plans subject that that's my flag the game was over komari Randy was of a high he can be alive and see the flat you can't continue the game you can't continue the mission Andy Andy Andy avoid over here if you sing the if I'm showing you the flag you can't be sure mom I'll show you the game is over I'll show ya what my plans were I'll show you everything so when we go through this kind of challenge we don't see the flag and shun doesn't show us the flag he doesn't show us when we're gonna get there how we're gonna get there it doesn't show us this plan but one thing I could tell you just like this oldie either told us that looking back is life and he says the only thing I could tell don't worry I would never worry again he says I don't need to see the flag now I'm already seeing the flag I'm 90 all the attack is that I had all the issues that I had but childhood it all worked out to the end of the day I'm constantly I'll think back and so many things that I was just for an exercise you remember like two years ago I was so worried about this in this thing what happened at the end it worked out that came from left field of shrimp sent some I don't know miraculous thing it worked out you know like I just met the itza and then I know he came to America to collect money was some I catch it the first few kids he had money still he's up to I guess younger kids he can't see came he asked mission up and collect money for housing it he said he was like so stuck what's gonna happen and then I'll have left right before you went back and said he met someone that summer that have made a promise there goes so I made a promise to shown that if business works out he's gonna give up say huge salmon over those ten thousand seven eight thousand dollars for duck or something and he's gonna give it to the first person that needs it and his personality is sheer something worked out I think was in the hospital little but it was and this is my this microchip that I know what's when over time they said maybe no I said lost and he gave him a check or care what it was she said look I share mama she put into my hands the day before I was supposed to go back I mean this is a first-hand story I spoke to this marketeer I have to remember the exact details but this is the story so looking back after something it gets resolved or whatever works out whatever the way you see that this mama she Amish I'm and everything we gather Shem and everything and it's just we just we just can't be worried while it's happening it's a hard to do of course but if we set a time and we set a place we say listen this is the time gonna deal with it the rest of the time I'm not focusing on it it's gonna make it much easier it's hard to do but you focusing you train yourself it's gonna it's gonna work out I have to finish so I'm honest I want to say these words that the couples that work together as hard as it is after a big no sign or sorry that we're dealing with or or different types of issues if they worked it out together they sometimes look back and say who knows if this whole struggle was just to bring us to such a place because working out together and and really trying to understand the other's perspective and back and forth and getting there and working together as a team through this challenge the closeness that this couple gets to nothing else could have brought them there I've had many many people tell me that that's when they look back afterwards the child just now in the hole right before we came in here though someone gave me regards of a young couple that just got married and the year ago and they're living in and in Toms River and he gave me regards to them and I said that it took me a minute the chopper is and this is one of the boys that I dealt with probably 13 years ago that's and he was like totally that he was on drugs it was everything you like all the real stuff and Michonne was he was one of my first few boys that I worked with our members Kavita and he got married from regular and his father I remember that time told me if you could bring him to just be a mensch I don't need to be a year I don't need nothing just he should be a normal person you shouldn't have were good and he's so sad and also Morocco I worked with him and then later with sentence in Ave when I was different at all and vocal shock now he's doing great was mama she listened the parents had no way of seeing this child and it was very let's call it aggressive type of nature like a very it was hard to hard enough to crack the buckle Shambo just miss him Phyllis and listen so sometimes the parents look back and say wow had I known right imagine and Leo never comes to you and he says don't worry this Charles gonna go through a stage from now till two years poram tongue is gonna cop it it's gonna change are you still gonna be so worried you're gonna be paying to see them doing crazy choices but if you know chefs auntie Ashley don't worry the child is going to be worked out they're gonna be much calmer Sam's are you waiting for sugar are you waiting for children right and some would say I would I would use that time you know I would I had a heat talking acerola so he told me that he was bringing stuff from England to Israel pits it all back something and he was caught and they they passed in them and he went to jail for 18 months and he was thinking regular-looking him I was a cunning amount of the time it says 18 months I could finish a row took along a chef Canora the time he came out he went today the price the best many gaps became a Garrard iodine if you figured out so he used he utilized this time he turned it into a an experience that he was able to address a is a dying today I know so if you would know if we would just know things right we will just shown that that flag right the we're not but we have to look around the world and we see that eventually things always somehow maybe it's not gonna work out exactly the way we want to it's gonna it's not gonna be everybody goes through ages and stages and there's no such thing as as saying you know this guy there was a it was one of my sheer ones who think I gave a speech about late bloomers and someone came and approached me later when I was talking about tree is that certain trees give out flowers later and you have chill he had a child that the teacher said they the playing of teacher and this one that and a therapist said you got to send this child for speech therapy the child was not talking and the child turned four and a half and just started talking like like as either they ain't never stopped like suddenly something still had to be developed in the child's brain and everything the late bloomer some of our kids of our Mitzvah boys you see them putting on a hat it's a date 13 years ago Mitsui becoming it but the child is still a choice is still a 10 year old earnest in his brain something wrong it's it's our perception we decided that that schools have to go according to age the classes and everything goes according to age maybe has to go according to stage so a lot of people need to are in different stages you see 18 year old boys and girls that are behaving like 13 year olds or sometimes you see them it's okay it's gonna pass which have to of course try to keep them from from doing like crazy things that are detrimental for life that it's going to be irreversible damage as much as we can and of course whatever but we need to know that it's a time it's it's a age and it's a stage it's gonna at the end of the day so if we could designate a time like it I think we'll finish with this so that this particular tile let's say every Sunday at night you sit down and you discuss with your spouse how are we dealing with this child what are we doing next what's our plan who is speaking the what's the next thing and the rest of the week try say uh it's not Sunday night you do a three weeks in a row you're gonna see immediate results you can start seeing you've calmed the rest of the week you know some people are afraid to let go because there's something wrong with me why am I not thinking about the issue now probably something wrong with me I'm not I'm not doing I'm cold blood what's going on with me why no I'm a healthy person and I'm putting away time to do with it I don't want to deal with this issue the whole time but I think this is the greatest gift you can give yourself on this issue and many and many and many other issues this time okay sure