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Rav Shloime Ehrlich - Five Tips; Bring Your Marriage to Higher Level While Going Through Challenges
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many different in the animal kingdom
there's any difference like pigeons they
they marry the sister is like the
parents leave two eggs a boy and a girl
and they have children why did I shall
make that claw lethal that humans should
marry from one family to the other that
we all have different backgrounds
different natures is to work in
ourselves to become better it's like to
integrate and work out stuff but that in
itself leaves a lot of a lot of practice
a lot of work and a lot of until we
become better beings but when a huge
challenge comes into life that's when it
becomes that's when we have to bring our
marriage to the next level just two
months ago they hired me to speak by
Mickey me if you know what it is you
shouldn't know it's an organization that
helps patients and families of patients
that have were diagnosed with a very sad
situation and they had a love of melkor
they got the guts in muncie they were
like 106 people so they wanted me to
some give them some guidance or some
comfort and so he spoke some Kaiser can
how to deal with you know different
types of issues in there with the other
kids and the families but really there
was a question-and-answer session
afterwards and all of them there was
very common that was saying how do we
deal with it I deal with the issue very
different than my husband deals with it
or they my wife deals with it we all
have a different outlook how to deal
with the child how do we tell the other
kids but I think it's even more so when
we deal with the current with children
that challenge us or I don't like the
labels Ltd's I don't whatever label it
is that's when I think there could be a
lot of I don't want to do with conflict
or it could be a very different way and
a different approach how to look at it
let's see for instance there's a people
are shopping in Walmart and suddenly
there's an explosion on the other side
of the store is an explosion of smoke
right there's a few hundred people in
the store everybody's gonna deal with
that's very different some people are
going to run out some people gonna grab
others run out so I'm going to run
towards it to see how they
help and some are gonna freeze right
this fight for flight and freeze then
I'll say freeze I added freeze but you
see it there the light shines in the ice
freezes it doesn't know what to do
doesn't it's not aggressive it was run
away but many people do that we freeze
we don't know what to do and within that
is a difference between the men and the
women how they gonna see and deal with
this when there's a tragedy happens in a
family something goes very wrong comes
from a health issue or a child that goes
of the derrick or just chooses to going
through different stages usually the
husband and wife have a very different
outlook there are certain things we all
have different egos men of egos and
women of egos we all have our own
covered our own but it's very different
sometimes the the husband or the of the
father is more concerned about shame
whether the street gonna say in how to
deal with ASO then with that and the
mother and the wife is dealing with the
total different issues that then bother
cerements could be with the other kids
she's our maternal so there's different
types of concerns there both are
concerned for the same thing they want
the child to grow up healthy and happy
and and Fraumeni and productive but what
happens is if you don't work together as
a team
obviously it obviously it's not going to
be not only it's not going to be it's
not gonna work out good it's gonna be
destructive it's not gonna be there are
so many times in in life that we have to
work together an extra level let's say
looking for a thing you look
for for your child it's very common
that you have a different outcome than
your wife or the attorney husband it's a
very different what you're looking for
how did you go about it should we call
shakkoumon should we not call you know
there's always in general there's oh you
know I do with couples a lot since
Shalom bias it's so common that you have
he's always on time she's always late or
the other way around
he's a perfectionist she's a slob with
the other way around I just had to cover
the way no vacation
this guy's spent that over like $5,000
on vacation it's a suit or whatever he
wanted to run around
he spent so much money want to run
around and she said running mean I
worked so hard all year I want to sit in
the yamame look on the beach so just
just relax I'm not interested and
sometimes I had the opposite everybody's
different styles some people want to go
on vacation just relax someone to run
around some are spenders some are more
saviors it's it's it's a it's it's part
of a sense
I don't want to say comedy but but
that's what he does we could make it
dates and go out I don't know how many
times we get married you get to see
there's so many things that were
opposites but that's the beauty of life
that's the beauty of marriage that we
grow together and we become we integrate
if you're if you're 11 and she's an RN
she the children gonna be great foods
right so it's always it's good to
integrate but when it comes to a
challenge with something way more way
beyond and just you know always always
have to wait for you you're never on
time or you're always you know stop
spending on this it's it's you know all
these differences it's when dealing with
your own child your own inner and what
you're sharing together it can be so
painful and even more so when the child
was already in a stage where where it's
it's it's just it's a dreadful but it's
already in the MA in a and in the state
where it's it's a danger mode there's a
lot of thoughts back you know last year
I was here for this for the shadows and
so many people just wanted to tell me
how it happens
oh when he wasn't this is Shiva he was
kicked out and I should have let him
believe and then he went to here or she
went to here the hope they always I kept
on hearing that everybody's repeating
the process how it happened because some
of you find ourselves our childhood is
you know it's doing all kinds of stuff
and it's it's it's already so what
happens is this could bring blame oh my
husband should have listened to me when
we started the first place we shouldn't
have sent the text role that was a
mistake or we sent her to this school or
we listened to this one but listen to
that one there's a lot of those kind of
things so obviously we have to minimize
that if we want to to be productive and
work together to save the child and
ultimately to save the whole family if
you're working together as a team you
look and
sandé the difference the gender
difference is the way a woman sees the
situation the man sees the situation and
you see beyond maybe what's plans was
good that's okay that's okay on a daily
basis and the regular thing we'll talk
about in a general plan right he's
setting up a plan how to deal with this
child the child is out the child is a
teenager she knows that he knows what
he's doing already at least they think
so and they're out the street they're
big they could there's huge decisions
that has to be made together obviously
it could be another element on a daily
basis each child could ask you all right
even little kids could ask you I want to
have a snack before I'm going to bed
tonight you could say yes and then they
ask daddy and then he says no that's
okay it's not a conflict it doesn't it
doesn't it doesn't take away the
stability of the child it's not it's not
the we talk about the plans and how to
deal with the whole with the whole
situation the worst thing in marriages
in general is that people sometimes grow
apart while you're dating while you meet
here in the same level and you disguise
and other things and then eventually you
know he gets these influences she get
hurt if they read different papers and
again 20 years later they find
themselves on two different sides and
the kids end up feeling that but if you
have to work together to save a child
you have to start growing together and
growing together as a choice it's a
choice it's a it's a it's a decision we
have to make a decision that we have to
work on this project together on saving
this child as much as we can and the
rest of the children and that's
something that that why we're talking
about this today and I think that the
many different speeches on this topic
because obviously this is something that
has to be discussed this is just not
again as I said before this is not only
with parents that are struggling with
teens if this is parents that are strong
with children that are not healthy or
are married kids that are not happily
married and there's so many other things
that life could bring we have to
workforce basically when we have a
struggle like this were forced to work
on our marriage and to bring to the next
level and that's that's something that
we have to focus on so I think that's
getting a little more practical hands-on
how do how to bring the marriage
together and a place that we could work
as a team to save this child and to make
all the other kids stable
I always save this before that just one
second I would say that people say I
remember like 25 years ago 30 years ago
Rabbi Abraham Jay torski was the first
one that came out with a book and was
talking about self confidence right
there was like a new thing at the time
and everybody was into it it took a few
years Stila penetrated and all the
speakers now it's a given we all know we
got to give you child's confidence you
have to build them up you have to give
them and then love everybody no you have
to give you child love we all know we
have to give our child children love I
mean you know post-holocaust they are my
parents whatever the parents of
six-year-olds their parents were
Holocaust survivors they didn't give if
you survived you're a good you know what
about today's generation we need to give
but there's one word that is not
mentioned enough and that is security
and stability if a child feels secure my
parents are always gonna be here to
protect me that's a very important
ingredient if you don't have that you
could give them as much love as you want
the child doesn't feel comfortable in
this world they don't they don't feel
secure you can give them love and try to
build up the confidence it's not gonna
work you need to give them security they
need to feel secure and what makes them
feel secure if talk to your mommy are a
team if the father if the husband or
wife are not a team again it's not like
I said before if he wants a snack
reverse a bed that song it's in a stable
the child is not gonna feel stable and
the child doesn't feel stable whenever
you put into the child afterwards it's
also it's like it's like building a cup
and then he could fill it up if it has
holes and if it's not a stable cup you
could pour in whatever you want that's
gonna leak out the the structure of the
human being the structure of the child
of every child is to feel that my father
and my mother
are a team and this is a stable home
it's okay if my post parents think a
little different than different things
it's okay but they need to feel that and
how did they feel that by working
together say ask daddy ask mom or you
know different things I see working
together they see that the parents
should respect each other they see this
parents love each other and that's fine
that's that's saying it but when it
comes to a story like this you have this
child that's starting to become at risk
acting up by the Shabbos meals or
throwing things I need to tell you all
this we all have different stories
what's in the same category the other
kids are seeing are looking consciously
and even more so self-consciously how
are my two pillars my father and my
mother going to deal with this together
when there's an eruption in the house is
it explosion and there's a a teener of
making it a tantrum in the house how is
my father my mother going to handle this
are they strong do they know how to deal
with this or she's gonna scream it you
deal with it no you deal with it I don't
know what to say why screaming ending it
should be nice don't fight it out in the
bedroom look work it out how you want to
deal with it but as soon as the other
children that child that knows does it
feel that when there's a problem in the
house the parents are not a team
together they're not working on this
together this takes away the stability
of the other kids and this child also
they want to see you being a team and a
strong team that that's giving the
security and and and and the and the
stability in the home so I think that
the first thing is the women are like
this one communication you know
communicate more you have to communicate
more yes
communication is like this you know that
say quick you know the morale always
talks about there's a diamond but samaya
kinda madaba rights of this so the
diamond that Samantha's so different the
dynamism is a is a water of stolons
nothing it's a miles of it grows it and
then there's a Madhavi which is us
what's the difference between a high and
a Madhavi that a chi is alive an animal
could come and go could also reproduce
and everything but it can't talk but is
it that that were is the talking the
more is the talking that the difference
between us in the Chi isn't it the
cycleway of psycho and brains we could
we could build bridges we go up to the
moon an animal kept more more than his
own territory he doesn't have to do it
you doesn't and the answer is he gives
is because madaba communicating is what
makes us more than the animals it's not
so much a cycle of course a cycle is
huge our brains is amazing but if you
can't communicate if you can't give over
and you can't tell the other party who
you're communicating to your problems
you issues with them or communicating or
I mean communicating your your feelings
or your understandings and understand
and listen and everything that comes
along with communication you're not a
Madhavi is still a high that's what
makes us special so if a team works
together and there's a huge project when
we have a child like this it's a huge
very serious needless to say project and
it's not just something that happens on
its own we need to work on it and how's
it gonna be if the couple has to
designate the put away extra time to
communicate how are we dealing with this
kid and not only that how are we dealing
with each other so if you put away time
extra time because there's so much
stress in the house and so because
there's so much issues you put away a
time you go on a date once a week you
could be married 25 years I don't care
just go on a date you take a time
everyone's then I Tuesday night
something or whatever it is an hour two
hours it doesn't have to cost money
there's nothing just close your phone
not a vibrator close the husband on the
wife you have time to look at each
other's eyes and it's time not about the
situation just general just to know the
relationship just to have extra time if
you have more stress you have to add
more more more of the good things you
have to do there wants us to be a
balance and if people the couple has
time together they they they stay they
bring together and talk and communicate
I think that alone gives courage to deal
later with the other problems it has to
be it has to be that number two you have
to become your spouse's therapist we
could all live outside the therapist do
we talk to everything but at the end of
the day a wife wants her husband to
understand and
no her feelings about the situation with
the child and to validate it and the
same thing is the husbands of course
they're not gonna admit it all of them
but they also want their wives to really
know their deeper inner feeling of how
they feel and they hope to show their
issue the part that bothers the man
other than different that bothers for
the woman the this challenge this child
sounds and they want the wife to have a
feeling and feel along and to say and
validate you become so many says I was
so embarrassed we went to this in this
wedding and our child walked in there
looking like who knows what and maybe to
hurt this part doesn't bother her as
much as bothersome you have to really
understand them and feel it and validate
it and if you again if you designate a
time for this you're gonna deal with
this you're gonna say yeah I understand
you it makes sense it's terrible that
this is how you feel and this is how it
is we're forced to become therapists so
we have to I mean anybody this marriage
to be but we have to work together and
understanding the other the other
parties feelings and I think that's
that's a very very important thing
number three I think what's very
important is to have a common mentor you
both decide that whenever we have a
challenge there's something coming up
there's a there's a change the plan you
have we're gonna ask you try to work it
out together if it doesn't work you ask
this in this professional that deals
with these kind of kids or whatever and
you say whatever they say we both follow
like this is no one to blame afterwards
it doesn't work out there's no there's
no difference between the husband and
wife this we decided together that we're
listening to this and is professional
after this in this rough or to listen
this person and whenever they say that's
what we're following it's gonna take its
gonna avoid so many so much pain and so
much confusion it's gonna avoid all
kinds of issues that could come up later
say listen we decided if we're following
and we asked a sham that this person
that we're asking should have which they
have to smile whatever they say that's
what we're doing it's very important to
have a mentor someone that we discuss
and it has to be an agreed method of
whatever this person says that's what
we're doing and that's and I think that
could avoid a lot of issues and I just
bring people together now I want to talk
about something which I think is the
most
of all of it is to put away a time when
you're going to deal with this issue or
any issue in life if someone let's say
you're looking in the regular issue you
look for of a child your child is
getting a little older and so what
happens is it's constantly on your mind
it's costing you might be thinking what
are we gonna do what I'm gonna do it
shall kind of an up calling this is
should we call so for people that have
even dagger soprano so some people don't
have pronounced it it's also constantly
on their mind on their mind at the mind
what happens is it's stealing them from
life because they're constantly thinking
about that particular problem life is so
much bigger than that
with so much pleasures and so much good
things in life we could focus on our
good kids we could focus on ourselves
and health and everything of simchas and
there's always good things in life but
if someone has an issue that's bugging
them constantly on their mind they're
stealing their own their own their own
their own life I was once in a in a
old-age home and there was an elder
either with incessant feeling this kind
of as final you should you should learn
from the elderly so both had a suppose
that I was very smart full heat and
asked him this book has a question about
life and I asked him if you could relive
life again what would you do different
let's say you turn 20 now what would you
the different he thinks a second and he
says nothing I would live life exactly
the same way at it now the only thing I
would change
I would never worry again whatever I
worried for I'm looking back I was word
for my son was not married he was ADA
ready I was worried about this if it has
to work out good or the other way around
it worked out anyway it happened anyway
the worrying Stoll's my time I sold my
life and this much it sounds simple but
to me was this was such a deep message
like you're giving it an oldy in an
opportunity again it says nothing I just
never worry again you don't worry about
how you're gonna pay a mortgage you
don't worry how much gonna working out
with a child everything is going to work
out the way I shine wants to be and it's
going to be anyway so why should I steal
but the only way to do it is if we learn
I think this is a general gift you can
give yourself the
you designate a time so let's say every
Sunday night you sit down for two hours
and together and discuss this child what
are we doing next we're we're off do you
have a file a folder you write down last
time the mentor said this we should do
that did anything change this week they
did not change where we're going from
here and as soon as the time is up
you close that book you leave and the
whole week you don't think about it mine
if it's emergency you deal with it twice
a week three times a week but it
designate a time the rest of the time
the rest of the week you're focusing on
yourselves you're focusing on your other
kids you're focusing on the world you're
focusing on your business and whatever
it is and your relationships whatever it
is don't let it comment for pops up in
your mind you tell yourself Sunday six
o'clock we'll deal with it you have a
thought we should call maybe this what
you write on that thing you put it away
and only push it after a few weeks
what's gonna happen is I tried and
tested this many times and worked with
so many people I was very shy but on
this year for sister the system for
divorced women and I spoke there for
them and Chavez and then melted Shabbos
it was a lot of someone was sitting
around and they wanted a like it was
like it happens if they came like a like
a workshop sort of so I was elaborating
on this topic how it works exactly we
have our subconscious of subconscious
constantly brings up the issues a whole
time and all that so what's gonna be
with that all the worries what's gonna
be what's gonna be so I told him it's
just like a little child if you have a
little child a two-year-old knocking
daddy I want a candy I want to go
already right and you say mama no mama
now I'm on the phone right I'm on the
phone mommy I want this I'm on the phone
one minute child isn't about one minute
means again and again and again how can
you get a child to stop bugging you
they say if you do something cause you
say you see the clock it has a stick
when the stick is gonna be straight
that's when I'm going to take it they're
gonna stop because they know that this
at this time you're going to deal with
it I'll subconscious the same thing if
you give it a time after a few weeks the
same way when you go to therapy I always
say the best thing is to do it the same
day of the week at the same time if
let's just you go to therapy for a few
weeks or something you make it the same
time
your subconscious is gonna know it's
gonna learn after a few weeks that
Thursday 3 o'clock is when I deal with
this issue and it's really going to let
you live the rest of the time if Manish
works it's like it's like a mess so you
cannot live and breathe that I talk to
parents they say I'm I'm not sleeping at
night I'm not eating of this and I'm so
worried about my child and it's true
it's very worrisome and it is this is
this is a one of the worst pains a
person could have think more assess
clearly this is the worst pain to have
in the world I think said problems but
many different shadow tones that last
year when I came to the Chabot tone for
the teams at risk to me this was I've
seen more pain over here that I've seen
them in other places in which so this is
a very painful thing but if you
designate you put a time you're gonna
see it's gonna it's gonna become easier
situations not gonna change
you're gonna change and you're gonna
just know how to deal with it it's just
gonna become lighter you're saying you
know what I'm designating this time and
this is what I'm going to do with it
the idea that that we are in control is
something that happens when we're three
year old kids four year olds when we
start building blocks and you say I have
I built something I made something right
and then you have it falls down there
you build it again you start building up
something and you start taking control
of things around you you cook your own
lunch you know what it is you start
doing things at throughout life as you
get older we start believing in
ourselves that we're building up we
could do something we're productive I
know how to deal with this and I don't
think with that and of course men are
different than when when it comes to
this before there was GPS a man would
never stop to ask directions you say I
know how to go there go go around the
block 25 times still try to find I'm
gonna figure it out don't worry I'm
gonna figure it out instead of stopping
and asking someone you know but we all
are like that in different ways these
children these boys and girls when they
go through something they say don't tell
me how to deal with it
I know ready you know I talked to this
17 year old 18 was 20 volts different
ages and they say I know how to deal
with it it's okay right and we try to
rationalize with them and it doesn't
work he tried to rationalize with with a
with someone that's that's in that mode
that's just not gonna it's not gonna
work there's the there was a see the
forever 150 years ago it's called the
Shipman's able cover
he wrote a safe is called nihari h-he
was more like a like the peasants in the
river a little more psychological shall
see the sure ever like a little out of
the box let's call it this but it was a
little for those years he was like wow
and he writes something interesting it
says in the turret it says that the
Comoros is at montreux been harassed and
over the metal hasta shem tov leak me
roundly right we all know the question
Saavik if the TARDIS says that I'm gonna
pay you back and this was the holy
schmoley Schmitt so I said if you're
gonna do the tyrant Mitsos you're gonna
get them to close the tank oh and if not
not and then you see it Sonique him that
up people the righteous so they can
doesn't mean that Sally what a person it
does righteous it does live is the third
way doesn't Oakland are and those
mitzvahs and the basics
it's considered italic in the end there
and and they're having SARS so of course
we know that there's all kinds of nice
shuttle effect are you looking this way
in that way
Eve was trying to figure it out it was
nobody got an answer basically so he
says something interesting this is if
someone is a real topic they're living
in a higher level they see everything is
a sham and everything is a Scullion it's
all about the next world
it's not about here whatever Shem does
is good today I'm Rob they don't have
pronounced us a big deal
we're talking their health issues
whatever they have they don't care that
it's not they're living for a share of
the total devoted to sham completely to
them it's not so he says what is
sounding the rally if someone has a
child that's over there that's the
question that motion are buying esta
sham sounds like Varela how could it be
all the other stuff they could name
about a child growing up there that's
that's that's that's the most painful
thing in the world then how do we answer
that that's called sound occur Ali you
know the game Stratego right the sir
super sick my kids are playing last week
Shabbos my five-year-old an eight year
old see them playing and then the
younger one comes in he wants to figure
out how it works and says let show me
where's your flag right you know the
flag is the last so he's I can't show
you my flash you look like the game is
over I said ah sounding around boy if
Hashem tells us this answer the game is
over
Moshe a nasturtium horrendous given a
close shot show me show me your face and
we know she was not physical not to show
me your plans subject that that's my
flag the game was over
komari Randy was of a high he can be
alive and see the flat you can't
continue the game you can't continue the
mission Andy Andy Andy
avoid over here if you sing the if I'm
showing you the flag you can't be sure
mom I'll show you the game is over I'll
show ya what my plans were I'll show you
everything so when we go through this
kind of challenge we don't see the flag
and shun doesn't show us the flag he
doesn't show us when we're gonna get
there how we're gonna get there it
doesn't show us this plan but one thing
I could tell you just like this oldie
either told us that looking back is life
and he says the only thing I could tell
don't worry I would never worry again he
says I don't need to see the flag now
I'm already seeing the flag I'm 90 all
the attack is that I had all the issues
that I had but childhood
it all worked out to the end of the day
I'm constantly I'll think back and so
many things that I was just for an
exercise you remember like two years ago
I was so worried about this in this
thing what happened at the end it worked
out that came from left field of shrimp
sent some I don't know miraculous thing
it worked out you know like I just met
the itza and then I know he came to
America to collect money was some I
catch it the first few kids he had money
still he's up to I guess younger kids he
can't see came he asked mission up and
collect money for housing it he said he
was like so stuck what's gonna happen
and then I'll have left right before you
went back and said he met someone that
summer that have made a promise
there goes so I made a promise to shown
that if business works out he's gonna
give up say huge salmon over those ten
thousand seven eight thousand dollars
for duck or something and he's gonna
give it to the first person that needs
it and his personality is sheer
something worked out I think was in the
hospital little but it was and this is
my this microchip that I know what's
when over time they said maybe no I said
lost and he gave him a check or care
what it was she said look I share mama
she put into my hands the day before I
was supposed to go back I mean this is a
first-hand story I spoke to this
marketeer I have to remember the exact
details but this is the story so looking
back after something it gets resolved or
whatever works out whatever the way you
see that this mama she Amish I'm and
everything we gather Shem and everything
and it's just we just we just can't be
worried while it's happening it's a hard
to do of course but if we set a time and
we set a place we say listen this is the
time gonna deal with it the rest of the
time I'm not focusing on it it's gonna
make it much easier it's hard to do but
you focusing you train yourself it's
gonna it's gonna work out I have to
finish so I'm honest I want to say these
words that
the couples that work together as hard
as it is after a big no sign or sorry
that we're dealing with or or different
types of issues if they worked it out
together they sometimes look back and
say who knows if this whole struggle was
just to bring us to such a place because
working out together and and really
trying to understand the other's
perspective and back and forth and
getting there and working together as a
team through this challenge the
closeness that this couple gets to
nothing else could have brought them
there I've had many many people tell me
that that's when they look back
afterwards the child just now in the
hole right before we came in here though
someone gave me regards of a young
couple that just got married and the
year ago and they're living in and in
Toms River and he gave me regards to
them and I said that it took me a minute
the chopper is and this is one of the
boys that I dealt with probably 13 years
ago
that's and he was like totally that he
was on drugs it was everything you like
all the real stuff and Michonne was he
was one of my first few boys that I
worked with our members Kavita and he
got married from regular and his father
I remember that time told me if you
could bring him to just be a mensch I
don't need to be a year I don't need
nothing just he should be a normal
person you shouldn't have were good and
he's so sad and also Morocco I worked
with him and then later with sentence in
Ave when I was different at all and
vocal shock now he's doing great was
mama she listened the parents had no way
of seeing this child and it was very
let's call it aggressive type of nature
like a very it was hard to hard enough
to crack the buckle Shambo just miss him
Phyllis and listen so sometimes the
parents look back and say wow
had I known right imagine and Leo never
comes to you and he says don't worry
this Charles gonna go through a stage
from now till two years poram tongue is
gonna cop it it's gonna change are you
still gonna be so worried you're gonna
be paying to see them doing crazy
choices but if you know chefs auntie
Ashley don't worry the child is going to
be worked out they're gonna be much
calmer
Sam's are you waiting for sugar are you
waiting for children right and some
would say I would I would use that time
you know I would I had a heat talking
acerola so he told me that he was
bringing stuff from England to Israel
pits it all back something and he was
caught and they they passed in them and
he went to jail for 18 months and he was
thinking regular-looking him I was a
cunning amount of the time it says 18
months I could finish a row took along a
chef Canora the time he came out he went
today the price the best many gaps
became a Garrard iodine if you figured
out so he used he utilized this time he
turned it into a an experience that he
was able to address a is a dying today I
know so if you would know if we would
just know things right we will just
shown that that flag right the we're not
but we have to look around the world and
we see that eventually things always
somehow maybe it's not gonna work out
exactly the way we want to it's gonna
it's not gonna be everybody goes through
ages and stages and there's no such
thing as as saying you know this guy
there was a it was one of my sheer ones
who think I gave a speech about late
bloomers and someone came and approached
me later when I was talking about tree
is that certain trees give out flowers
later and you have chill he had a child
that the teacher said they the playing
of teacher and this one that and a
therapist said you got to send this
child for speech therapy the child was
not talking and the child turned four
and a half and just started talking like
like as either they ain't never stopped
like suddenly something still had to be
developed in the child's brain and
everything the late bloomer some of our
kids of our Mitzvah boys you see them
putting on a hat it's a date 13 years
ago Mitsui becoming it but the child is
still a choice is still a 10 year old
earnest in his brain something wrong
it's it's our perception we decided that
that schools have to go according to age
the classes and everything goes
according to age maybe has to go
according to stage so a lot of people
need to are in different stages
you see 18 year old boys and girls that
are behaving like 13 year olds or
sometimes you see them it's okay it's
gonna pass which have to of course try
to keep them from from doing like crazy
things that are detrimental for life
that it's going to be irreversible
damage as much as we can and of course
whatever
but we need to know that it's a time
it's it's a age and it's a stage it's
gonna at the end of the day so if we
could designate a time like it I think
we'll finish with this so that this
particular tile let's say every Sunday
at night you sit down and you discuss
with your spouse how are we dealing with
this child what are we doing next what's
our plan
who is speaking the what's the next
thing and the rest of the week try say
uh it's not Sunday night you do a three
weeks in a row you're gonna see
immediate results you can start seeing
you've calmed the rest of the week you
know some people are afraid to let go
because there's something wrong with me
why am I not thinking about the issue
now probably something wrong with me I'm
not I'm not doing I'm cold blood what's
going on with me why no I'm a healthy
person and I'm putting away time to do
with it I don't want to deal with this
issue the whole time but I think this is
the greatest gift you can give yourself
on this issue and many and many and many
other issues this time okay sure