Real Talk on Shidduchim: A Candid Conversation with Rabbi Shais Taub & Tzipora Grodko | Tu B'Av

We're live on YouTube. Okay. >> Hi YouTube. >> Hi everybody. >> Welcome. All right. We are live um very quickly. So just to set the scene, we are at the Soul Words House in Cambria Heights, Queens, half a block from the Labb is Ial. And uh we will be taking names of singles to the aisle. Um people are free to visit the aisle on their own after this event. Tonight we will bring we will be bringing the names in right before Shabas. Uh Kamisha Tuba is on Shabas itself. So we'll bring in the names right before Shabas. If more names comes in we'll also bring Shabas. Um and um that's it goes without saying but somebody told me to mention. I was surprised it even needs to be mentioned but this is without charge. You can send in the names for free. There's no charge uh associated with this whatsoever. It's our pleasure to to do this. Um, so this is what do we call this? an honest conversation on >> an honest conversation on shidim. Not that anyone would have a dishonest conversation on shidim, but we wanted to really lean into the authenticity and the realness and the not shying away from any questions especially things that are heavy on people's hearts and trying to talk about it with uh sincerity and some sensitivity and hopefully if we can't give you answers at least we can validate your question. At anyway, I want to introduce formally introduce you're the actual host, but I'm the host of this. This is this is my my physical space. So, I need to introduce you and welcome you and then you're going to host you're going to run this event. So, then I'll turn it over to you. You'll you'll jump into the driver's seat and I'll be the co-pilot. Uh but okay. So, welcome to the Soul Words House. Uh if you haven't been here before, this is a space for the Soul Words community. The Solwords community is a virtual community of 10 million people a month. It's a staggering number uh across all platforms online who um share in engaging with the content that we're producing. Um and we created this physical space for events just like this. Um this is this is a this is a time of where people have uh they have certain thoughts and feelings about it and we wanted to create an experience where people could come together and sort of have that experience in a group setting and we've done uh many events since we opened up right before PES this year. We've been open for just a couple of months few months. Um, also by the way, if you do want to support the House and all of the work that we do online, we are in the midst of an annual campaign and you could participate at charity.comst. That's charity with a d charity.comst and that will help us. Okay. So, the host tonight of this event is Sapora Grodco who is Yes, please, please. your applause for our hostess. >> Oh, is that a thing, Rabbit? What >> hostess? >> Yeah, it's the correct. Yes, that's correct. >> I'll have to add that. >> Yes. Um, who is a therapist and a coach and uh offers her services? Where where can they find you? >> Uh, www.saporrodco.com. >> Okay. >> Or the friendly Instagram. Um but also in her spare time um she likes to be involved in stepping up in seeing where there's a need where people have a need and uh stepping up and uh one of the areas in which she is stepping up is in shidim especially giving hope to people involved in what we call the parha and I'm sure many Many of you know her podcast stories of hope which has given hope to so many people and uh it's in that vein of your activism in the area of supporting people who are who are in shim uh that we we welcome your you here to lead us in this honest discussion about shidim. I'm going to turn it over to you. >> Okay. I'm really really excited. Thank you for having me. Thank you everybody for coming. The theme of tonight is honesty. And when Tab and I connected, he said, "So, what are we going to do? What are we going to share?" Is the echo Is it uncomfortable? Way too echoey. It's Yeah, I'm just going to like say it as it is. >> Yes, please do. >> Um Oh, >> I'm texting you so letting you know. >> That's much better. >> Does that mean the mic is off? Can you hear me? >> Yeah. >> Does it sound like I'm speaking in a mic? >> Okay, perfect. F. By the way, see, we started with honesty. I'm not going to pretend it's okay. That was not okay. >> All right, let's start again. >> Okay, now it's okay. By the way, do you need a drink? Do you need a seltzer? >> Thank you. >> Would you like that? We have many selzer. Polar cans. >> Ooh, thank you. >> Okay. Do you want to be famous? If you want to be famous, you bring a >> Okay, then just reach in. Bring the Brora needs a seltzer. I'll have one, too. Yeah. Yeah. And give me one of the branded uh soulwords cups by the on the counter. Yeah. Right up there. Yeah. She didn't realize she just signed on to be a barista. >> Be careful if you don't want to get into the shot. >> Okay. >> Thank you. >> Amazing. >> Okay. You're about to be famous. Uh uh uh. Okay. That was your >> Okay. >> All right. >> Which flavors do you have? >> Werewolf howls or mermaid songs? I I will take the mermaid songs. >> I figured you might want the werewolf owls. Got it. >> It was just like a lucky guess, you know. Yeah. I love the drama. Okay. Got a little bit of a facial from the bubbles. Um so when Rabbit Tao reached out to me and said, "Let's do an event. Let it be a night of a night of strength." And I said, "Rabbi TA, with all due respect, when this time comes along, it's really hard to have strength." And anyone that's attending has probably heard every single topic and conversation on why they should have strength. And that simply eliminates the little bit of strength that you have left because it's nothing new. It feels like it hasn't really targeted the deep questions that you have that no one's really answered. And so I said, "Tonight I don't know if we could attempt to have any answers, but tonight maybe um with your insight and knowledge, you can provide us with some comfort, with some support." Um I think probably one of the most insensitive and dismissive things that someone can do when speaking to someone who's vulnerable and seeking answers is to pretend that they have the answer when sometimes they don't. And I think that it takes a tremendous amount of bravery, humility, and knowledge to know how to answer a question because I think oftentimes when someone's asking a question, they don't want the literal answer, but there's really a whole layer of experience of pain behind that question. And the right person understands that and appreciates that. And I mean, you don't need me to let you know that that's the kind of um legend that Rabbi Ta is. So, I'm very grateful and I'm very excited. And I, like I said when we started, I'm I'm very determined to make sure that people get up and feel like tonight was different than any other attempt you've had at seeking strength, comfort, validation, being seen, tonight has to be different. So, we've opened up our platforms to invite questions. But if you have one and I don't ask it, it would be such a disservice to everyone else if you don't ask it. Because if you have it, they probably have it, too. So don't wait to feel brave. Do it anyway. Please, please, please, please, please, please. I welcome you to join us. Not to watch us, but I really welcome you to join us. So the first question falls under faith his hadlas and spiritual struggle. Rabbi Ta. >> Okay. >> I've been doing this for a very very long time. I feel like I have followed every piece of advice, every safe air of Tahillim, and have done everything I can to make the right choices. How do I know if I'm doing enough histadas? And then, what's the balance between doing histadas and then letting go? Raise your hand if you have that question. Yeah. >> Yeah. Classic question, >> please. >> And is his list the same for everyone and every situation? >> Okay. Yeah. I mean you you could ask this about every area of life that you know classic dichotomy between histadlas and and bauin how much of each and what's the right balance uh so I I love that addition to the question which is is histadas the same for everyone and the answer is no it's not it's not the same for everyone and also that the balance between how muchadlas let me let me use English means effort but literally it means um we know this is a miracle we know It's not really us doing it. We know Hashem is doing it, but on the other hand, you can't just sit by passively and do nothing. So, there's sort of this um dance between our human effort through natural means, non-miraculous means, and Hashem's participation, which is the the miraculous stuff from from heaven. Um, I think in order to help answer this question, it's it's helpful to understand well I'll change the question a little bit since it's all a miracle anyway, especially and that's what we're talking about here. We're talking about uh which is it's a it's a greater miracle than the splitting of the sea or as greater the splitting of the sea. meaning it's a it's a it's a it's a supernatural event. So if the whole thing's miraculous, why should there be any human effort at all? That's that's one way to look at it, right? Okay. So, and this might help be a a guiding principle as you try to apply this to your own situation. How much? How much effort? The purpose of Ishtadlas is really it's it's a funny thing. Our efforts don't actually create anything. They don't actually make anything. What they do is they hold out a vessel to catch the flow of blessing. We need something for the flow of blessing. The blessing is is miraculous, but we want that miracle to happen here in this world, in the physical world. We don't want to stay in heaven. Even if it's a match made in heaven, we want it to transpire here on earth. So, we need something earthly to catch the blessing, so to speak. And and and that's why we have to go through doing things the normal way. A resume, you pick up the phone, you call, you call again. Uh I mean any type of human effort is is just it's a it's a vessel to catch the blessing. And then the question is like also like well why you know like I I get this idea like I mentioned that we want to translate the the spirituality into something practical. It shouldn't remain you know can remain um abstract. I mean you know this that the shik is made that really the match is made before before the uh the birth or the even the conception of the the child. So those things can remain like in theory and sort of not come into fruition here in the physical world. So so we said you have to do things in the physical world that will sort of absorb the blessing. But there's also another aspect of it which is plausible deniability. Hashem needs an alibi. He needs to have a cover story so that not every shid should qualify for stories of hope. >> Okay? Some shim have to be like it looks like it just happened because you had the right shad or you know whatever the the right connections or the what what there has to be some cover story that doesn't make it look like an overt miracle. Even though the reality is that every single is completely nothing but a miracle. Okay. So then when you're trying to figure out the part, please take the pressure off of yourself to think that the is generating something and therefore if you want results you have to work harder because first of all that's just stressing yourself out. Second of all, it's not theologically true. Maybe the second of all is the first. I don't know. I'm not sure which one is the more important the stress or the theology but they're both important. Okay. And just understand the efforts that you make and whatever efforts you decide are normal are just to provide a natural cover story for the miracle that Hashem is going to make happen in your life. I think if you look at it that way, you'll be able to sort of make adjustments and figure out what kind of and how much is appropriate for you. Does that make sense? Is that >> Yeah. So if I may summarize it almost sounds like let's say someone wants to make money and they say well God can do anything so I don't need to go to work in order to make money but you know we don't live in a world of miracles we live in a world of nature so according to nature the person needs to apply for a job and sit in an office because he needs to proactively be engaged in some sort of narrative to create a clea to catch the money. >> Right. Right. >> So, it's the same thing with it's the same formula. It's just a different picture. >> Exactly. But and and by the same token, it doesn't mean that he he should work two jobs or he should work extra hours. Make a vessel that makes sense. Again, it can't be miraculous. If the only way your plan can work is with a miracle, then that's not considered sufficient. Although, there's an asterisk. There's a disclaimer for that. It it will work for crazy people and I'm 100% serious. If your beten is real to the extent where you really feel that's adequate for you, then it will be. The reality is though mo for most of us, it's just too weird for us. And just for our own sense of responsibility, we do need a little bit more establish just to feel like it's normal. But if somebody were in total like miracle mode and believed it, really believed it, then then it would be okay for them. Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. Yes. Very very well stated. So the question that was asked here live was so if I'm to understand that our effort is really just holding out a vessel to catch a blessing that's flowing but if I'm putting out the effort I'm holding out the the the vessel but nothing's coming. So then does that mean just nothing's coming? And I and I said yeah I mean I'm saying um sometimes the blessing is not coming right now. Um, and then the the follow-up was, "Is there anything you can do to trigger it?" Yeah, of course there is. And now I want to be very careful because what I'm about to say could be triggering. And yes, it resembles things you may have heard before, but it's not the same thing you heard before. I am not going to mention sigulas. No, I didn't even say the word. I didn't even say it. Didn't even say the word. What I'm going to say is this. When you're trying to be aligned with Hashem's blessings, the best state of mind to be in is the best possible version of yourself. And by that I mean spiritually. So I'm not making this like a tit fortat quidd proquo like I'm trying to bribe God. I'm more saying like this. If you want to if you want to experience a miracle, you increase the odds of that happening. You you put yourself in a better place for that to happen when you are in your again no perfectionism here and I don't want you to feel like oh if I were more uh meticulous in my observance. It's I'm not saying it in a pressuring way. is saying that if there's an area that you would like to put forth effort in, the best area, most productive area to put forth effort would be to focus on your spiritual growth. Like because there's so many areas you could put forth develop maybe I need new pictures. Maybe that's the pictures are fine. Okay. By the way, I was just telling I was telling a bach the other I'm half a block from the aisle. I'm at the aisle four or five times a week. The other day I was I was waiting between mam and this baka comes over to me and he tells me that he's in the parha and he was asking me some basic shidim questions. I don't even remember how we got on to this topic but I said to him I said and I'm not that old. I know the white beard I look I'm 51. Okay. So I got married when I was 25 26 years ago. So I I said to him I said by the way do you know that in our day there were no such thing as pictures? I I think yeah, I met three girls. I never saw a picture. I I'm not I'm looking back and I'm trying to even figure out how we knew who were who we're picking up. And in fact, I'm realizing I do know stories where people picked up the wrong person based on you. You find out half an hour into it, you're at the >> the Brooklyn Marriott. Yeah. And we didn't even have cell a cell phone. It's like, oh, you know, I got the wrong person over here. Um, no, you don't need new pictures. Uh, you don't need whatever it is. Like, if you want to put forth effort, the most productive area to put forth effort, and there's nothing worse than putting off putting forth effort in vain. Like the most productive area to put forth effort is to work on your personal spiritual growth. Mhm. No, it could be praying more. But you know why I don't want to say that? Cuz it it it triggers me because I know that a lot of people feel held hostage and it's like, well, you better pray more and then, you know, we'll let you out of the prison. So I don't want to say pray more because even though tila is definitely a part of your spiritual uh repertoire but I want to put it put tila aside for a second just because I know from experience how often it's used in a way of like well you better beg more and then you know then we'll have some mercy on you. Let's let's put aside for a second. How about just working on your midlas, working on your overall amun and becoming a more faithful person, being able to handle stress more because you're more God-conscious in your day-to-day life, that kind of stuff. >> If I may, can I summarize and you'll let me know if if I'm missing anything. So, histadas, generically speaking, feels like this illusion that we have control. The reality is we never had control. Correct. Because is the natural engagement in life, the basic math formula of how A plus B equals C. If everything was a miracle, we wouldn't have free will. So it's just our limited way of engaging in this world and putting in effort. Noticing the entire time from start to middle to end that the outcome is all in God's hands. Our investment is the only thing in our so to speak control. But God wants to make sure that everything we're doing is leading to a growth mindset, a fulfilling life, and a happy life. And so, Hishadus isn't supposed to increase our anxiety. Histoal isn't supposed to put us into debt. Histoal isn't supposed to make us um change our behavior or our appearance if it's not aligned with who we are because society says, "Well, this is a better version." All of that is probably like propaganda that's been said to us based on an insecure society that says this is the >> this is the stature of like acceptance and success and this is what you need to do to check the following boxes. And I think that inim there's everyone just is like where's the answer? What's the solution? Tell me what to do. And forgive me like I mean please correct me if if I'm wrong but I think that sadly there are people who give off the illusion that there is an answer and that's created a lot of doubt and confusion for people who are trying so hard to make the right choices to live the right life and instead are being told well it's you know it's your issue because if if you gave if you did more less if you do more if you uh moved if you did something different right then it would be >> easier easier for God to give you your spouse. Like that I think is a lot of what's happening in people's hearts and a lot of what's being toxically planted socially. So I just want to make sure like to summarize everything you shared in relation to I actually love what you shared to start with. People often say that is as difficult as the splitting of the sea and you saidim is as miraculous as splitting of the sea was. Nothing is difficult for God. >> And when you change that narrative that it's not that it's difficult, but they're both miracles and the same way it was easy for God to split the sea. Something that seems impossible, I think maybe, if I may, um, correct me if I'm wrong because sometimes I convince myself so well. So, I need to be put in my place. If I may, maybe God's trying to tell us, I know that the splitting of the sea seems impossible, but it was as easy for me to do as if it was normal. And so, and and therefore, the same applies to you in relation to meeting the right person. Even if it seems to go against all all norms, I can do it just as I split the sea. >> Correct. Yeah. Very well stated. >> Okay. >> Yeah. I hope everyone feels a little bit of of relief in relation to that category. And if anyone makes you feel anxious, it's a reflection of their own amuna and their attempt to try to control something that which we don't understand. But what Rabbi Tab shared is the greatest is investing in your self-development and growth and that we all have equal access to and we can guarantee that the outcome will be positive and lifeenriching and enhancing and that's really exciting. Um, so, so in so and and the question of how much, too much. God doesn't want us to feel anxious. God knows where we are. He knows what our struggles are, our demons are. He knows our desires. And for anyone that was going to the gym, you start with what you have, with what you can, and with excitement, you challenge yourself to see where you'll go. um not because you were told this is what you should do but because you're excited to feel strong and powerful to meet your des to meet your desired goals. And I think that's also a big difference between the input of what people say like you do this and then with fear and anxiety you do it expecting things to change and how distressing when it doesn't. So I think that was a very empowering answer and and if anyone has um the questions are are going to address a lot. So, um, if at the end that we miss some gaps, please, please ask. So, here's the next question. What can I do when I feel like God isn't listening? I'm in pain. I'm feeling disconnected, rejected, and simply so burnt out that it's so hard for me to do anything that makes me feel like it's a way that I'm connecting to him. >> Yeah. Yeah. That's that's a very real pain. The peel the pain of uh the feeling the rejection. Um you know I think maybe a one way of framing it that may be helpful is is to think about it like this. Everything happens in its time and when it happens then there's there's tremendous relief. But until it happens there's at least the potential for for anxiety. And if it's something that's a big thing like like a and then on top of that the waiting goes on for a long time. So there can be a lot of anxiety but the reality is that things happen when they're supposed to happen. So the fact that it hasn't happened yet isn't rejection. It's not rejection. It's just it hasn't happened yet. It's not your time yet. Now, what could be the possible reason why it's not your time yet? There could be so many factors. So many factors. And and and frankly, some of those factors may not have much to do with you. It may have to do with mysteries of the universe that are beyond our comprehension because ultimately a should coming together of two halves of a soul is intertwined with the whole purpose of creation. There there's there deep mysteries involved. So, we certainly don't have the answers here. But what we do know is that Hashem's timing is perfect. So, first of all, don't feel rejected. Don't feel like you're failing at something like it was supposed to happen now or a year ago or 10 years ago. And the fact that it hasn't happened clearly means I'm doing something wrong. Who says you're doing anything wrong? It's it's just not the time yet. Now, having said that, I think we do have to address like, well, what do you do when you're in that interim phase and it's going on for a long time? Um, you know, I'll ask I'll ask you a question and you can think about it, you know, your your thoughts about this yourself. If someone were to tell you, not someone, let's say we had a Na'vi, let's say we had, I don't know, the we had some type of verified, like we knew this was this was 100% verified. Someone would tell you, I have good news and bad news. Good news is 100% guarantee you're going to meet your Basher and you're going to be happily married. It's all going to work out. It's going to be a great marriage. Very, very h happy. Um the bad news is um it doesn't happen for five years. It's going to be five more years, but it's going to be great and it's for sure happening. I think you'd be disappointed, but you could live with it. And in fact, not only could you live with it, you might have a really great five years >> because now you know this is when it's ending. This is when it's ending. I got five years. And now these are these these are the last years of my being a single person. This is the last time to to work on the things that you do as a single person. And you could really enjoy that time and live it to its fullest. >> The problem is when someone says I don't know it could happen tomorrow. You may not might not even have to wait five years. Maybe it'll happen tomorrow but no guarantees. I have no idea. Could be tomorrow. could be 10 years. That's so hard to live with because it's the uncertainty that makes the waiting so taxing, right? If you knew this is how long it is, it's this many days, this many hours, you could do it and you could do it happily and you could and you would use that time really productively. But when you don't know how long it is, it's so hard to to embrace it. And you see this with a lot of older singles, this this is a common challenge of like you sort of get stagnated like my life's on hold. My life didn't my life's not really this is not my real life. My life will begin when I get married. Then my life begins right now. It's sort of like nish. It's like not really sort of, you know, like in between. And that to me like of of the various different sources of emotional pain that people who are in the para are facing to me that's probably one of the most profound sources of pain. That feeling of my life's on hold. I like I don't even know like what am I doing here? what what's what phase of life am I in and what phase of my life am I supposed to be in and how late am I and and the only it's so damaging because it robs us of the present like if you understand that in Hashem's world everything is meticulously orchestrated and the time of your meeting your basher is exactly meticulously orchestrated if you could understand that and let go and just surrender to that Then every moment until that event happens, you can be fully present for it and you can use it for the the way that it's meant to be used. And to me, that's the most important thing. Like to the the original question, like someone's like, I'm feeling this rejection because I'm sitting around like I'm waiting and still waiting. I'm still waiting. And it's like, how about this? We know it's going to happen. We know it's going to happen in the perfect time and in the perfect way. But every second that it didn't happen yet, there's something else perfect that's happening. And if you can try to be present for it, then first of all, you say save yourself a lot of anxiety, a lot of pain, but also on top of it, think about how much more prepared you're going to be when you do get married. like if Hashem has to give you another year, another two years, there's a reason why he's it's not random that that's the amount of time, like there's something that's supposed to or potentially can happen during that time. So, I think that's the biggest thing is just don't feel like this was supposed to happen at a certain time. I'm already past the deadline and certainly if if it's not happening yet, it must be I'm doing something wrong. It must mean must mean I'm a failure. Must mean that God doesn't like me. God forbid. It means it's not the time yet. It's the time for something else. It's the time for your last moments of being a single person to to to accomplish what you can accomplish while you're single. So enjoy it, savor it, be fully present for it. You know, I could liken it, by the way, to like Messiah. It's like every moment we're in gullus. This isn't reality. This is such a dysfunctional world. when Msiah comes, then my life will begin. Well, to a certain extent, that's true. But that doesn't mean that until Mashiach comes that we shouldn't try to accomplish things, that we shouldn't build, that we shouldn't uh we shouldn't try to make the world a better place, we shouldn't try to improve our lives. So everything happens in its time and we have to try to just be present in the moment right now and to know that even though it's a it's a big thing to feel like you're waiting for I wouldn't even that's I don't even think waiting is the right term. It's like you know what what could we >> Yeah. So is >> there a different language we could use for that? >> Of course, I think that I mean it's so profound to internalize it's not my timeline but God's timeline. And we could eliminate the pressure and expectation that where we are isn't enough if all of the urgency, the systemic, social, familial urgency >> is suspended. I think in an isolated window when people are listening to this, they're thinking Rabbi Ta that's lifechanging. And then they go home and they're at their next family celebration and everyone's like, "This year >> and that urgency, >> yeah, >> tells you where you are >> isn't enough >> and the way you're living isn't ideal." So this year, so everyone listening, if you are a family member, a parent, a sibling, a community member, I think we need everyone to work really hard to eliminate that urgency, that language, because that language says that where I am isn't enough. It tells me that the way I try to live can't be enough. And it's very hard to be present and be on God's timeline and not my timeline or Mrs. Goldstein's timeline or the nar the familial timeline of like, oh, but I'm older and my younger sibling got married, so I'm doing something wrong. This isn't the timeline of the way things are supposed to be. Um, a huge word that you shared by was expectation. Um, socially there is an expectation and that's a narrative of the way we're supposed to view our life. But if we could let go of that narrative that was taught to us, that was fed to us, well-meaning, no one did anything wrong. But just because what we're doing doesn't look the same way, doesn't mean that what we're doing, what they did was right. And where we are is wrong. We can practice that ourselves, but we can't practice it alone. And so I'm really grateful. I'm really grateful we have you on our team, and I hope that everybody listening um can help eliminate that urgency that where we are is the best place to be. And you can know that with confidence because otherwise you wouldn't be there. Otherwise, you wouldn't be there. Um, sometimes I'll think, well, I feel like I would be so much happier if I was in a different place. And then when I'm able to lower the tone of my heart and raise the tone of my head, I remember, well, if it if that was the best place for me to be, I would be there. And what I think is best for my growth isn't what God knows is best for my growth. And it's also recognizing that the word good is oh we are so limited by our ability to understand what truly is good and what truly is bad. And so it's natural to think well if I'm here and I'm not married yet and I don't have children yet then where I am is bad. Doesn't matter if I found the cure to cancer. It doesn't matter anything I've done the people that have helped me come from. Doesn't matter if there's 100,000 views on YouTube. Doesn't matter. Um but like where we are has to be good. that it just may seem to be bad to others because their interpretation of good and bad is again it's limited and um it's going according to their expectation of the way they think life should look not God's expectation and if this is where we are it's the best place to be. So really important words to internalize. I I I think like if a person can wake up and write a personal prayer and read it to themselves every day will help them stay present. One of the key um solutions to eliminating anxiety is being present, focusing on the right now. It doesn't even have to be today. Maybe that that seems too big of a goal for you, but just right now in this moment. There is no other place you're supposed to be other than here in this moment. And it doesn't take away the pain, but it helps alleviate the distress and enables you to like we want to eliminate the word waiting. It enables you to run with life, to look forward, to be curious, to feel excited, instead of feeling shame, instead of feeling wilted. Something I often think about is, God forbid. Well, the greatest gift in the world is time. Doesn't matter how much money we have, doesn't matter how successful someone is. If a person doesn't have time, they can't do anything. And what gives us time? Our health. So, God forbid if they're if someone's in a position where they're sick, as they age, they wouldn't think like, "Oh, but I'm single and I'm still this age." They would be so excited and grateful. I've been given another gift of life. And it's so sad that often times when people age, instead of it being like wine where they get better, they feel like they're getting worse. So, what would you tell someone who's aging and is watching their fertility clock, which is something to mourn. >> Um, things are changing and they're feeling shame. They're feeling shame. They're feeling pain and they're having a tough time. What might you say to them? >> Yeah, that's a that's a real question. And you know be be before I answer this is a very serious question be before I answer this I want to just back up um uh two three minutes earlier. You sort of addressed people who were not here which I thought was very important. you addressed the friends and family of single people and I know that friends and family of single people will be watching this and I I I'm not trying to get out of this painful question about people feel the pressure especially the biological clock ticking I I'm not forgetting I'm going to get back to it but before we move on to that if there are friends and family of single people who are watching and they're just used to, let's say, it's just it's muscle memory to say soon by you. It's just it's such an automatic thing culturally and they're hearing you and they're like, "You know what? I I I just realized that maybe when I say things like that, I'm causing someone I love, I'm causing them distress." And if they're really sensitive, maybe they're even realizing how unintentionally they're undermining undermining basic tenants of a bat, which I'm sure they don't want to do, right? Could you give some language for people who want to be supportive other than saying things that cause the single person to feel more of that pressure? >> Sure. Absolutely. >> And I'm and I will get back to the question that's on the table. I just think this is such an important opportunity. >> Yeah. I think it's become and and and just because this is how I feel doesn't mean it's how everybody else feels. I think it's just become culturally normal that at certain times like a celebration we acknowledge someone else's stage by saying things like soon by you. And what's fascinating is um I think that if there's if you go to the home of someone like super super super successful and someone else isn't that super super successful person typically won't say like typically won't say um to someone who's not making so much money like soon soon by you like soon by you you should have this kind of home and soon by you you should be able to host people at my table and drink fine wine. Um, >> it's become very normal to the point where we don't realize that it's not it's not necessary. I know I'm I'm single and and I came here because I want to share in this sima and when you highlight what I don't have and you make it seem like where I am isn't enough. It can feel offensive. So what can people do? Because the intention behind that comment is really I want to >> I want to I want to give blessing. I want to share joy. They do. They they they want >> Yeah. And good for you. >> It's so beautiful and there's so many ways and I'll give some examples. Somebody can send a text message to someone error of chabas and say I just want you to know that as I light the candles and bring in chabas I say special filea for you. I have a friend who told me I take in chabas 10 minutes early for you and it's that you find someone. Somebody can say um if if if a family wedding is coming up of a sibling and they're the right person because it all has to do with the right person. always, always, always um not at the wedding, but maybe before in the right moment, sit down with that person and say, "I don't know if this is hard for you, but I just want you to know that I see that it might be >> and I just want to give you a love. I just want to give you a hug." >> Um, >> and if there's um I think even the opposite, if you want to bring joy to someone, talk about the things that they're excited about that bring them joy. Um, ask them about their career. Build them up with your words. Tell them that you're impressed, you're inspired, and you think that they're pretty extraordinary. That also makes me feel good about myself. It will make me feel much better. Um, if you see me at a wedding and you simply tell me that I look beautiful and um, you ask me about my day and again, you give positive feedback, I feel so respected. Um, you don't have to tell me you're thinking about me. The intent behind that comment is I want you to feel good. So, I'll feel better if you just if you just treat me with class and respect. I think again, we got so we we we became so used to it, we don't even realize that it's not necessary. It's it's just not necessary. Um, and um, >> you're saying we can get rid of it? >> We could just get rid of it. Get rid of it. I think I think we should get rid of soon by you because again I also say that if someone is is if someone just um if someone's pregnant um and someone says wow like what month are you in and and and they share they're not I mean a healthy person a sensitive person is not going to say soon by you like you should be pregnant soon but it became so normal when it comes to and it just it just >> it it just doesn't really feel good. It it highlights what I don't have and it makes me feel like where I am isn't enough. Um >> yeah, please. Thank you. >> We should Yes. >> We should continue to share in simas. That's great. >> Some people have shared we we should continue to share in simas. What are you? because you're in that same situation. That's very different. You're saying you're still single and you tell other single people if you're giving them a blessing. I I I mean I would think that's >> I just feel more safe than >> I feel like always error on the side of caution. And I also feel like it's so funny because we'll feel so insecure, but all of a sudden when it comes to giving blessings, we think we're Gandhi. So like we'll be like, "No, I don't I'm not talented. I'm not successful. I'm not pretty." And then we're like, "I can bless you." Say, "Oh, not sorry." Not in reference. >> Yeah. >> It that's that's that's really beautiful. I think that's really beautiful. And I I I think it's really beautiful. And you could probably see on their face how it makes them feel. Um it's very thoughtful. It's a very thoughtful way to think. Um but I just feel like in general just when we go out just people want to be seen and respected and just see them. Um and again like even if I hear indirectly or in a different way um just sending a someone a message I'm thinking of you of course yeah we should share in simas. It's you know not comfortable when someone looks at someone's parents and they're like we should share in simas and you're like well I'm the only one left. you know, now now they're talking about me. Um, process of elimination. I think everyone means well. I don't want to point fingers. Um, it's just so hard. So, we're trying to do what we can to make it feel a little easier. >> That's what I would say. Same way you wouldn't you wouldn't wish that for someone pregnant. Uh, you wouldn't publicly just share it if someone is is not super super wealthy. Um, but it's okay if not everyone feels that way. Um, and then the other question was, and it's really, it's really more of a generalized question. How how does someone how does someone learn how to come to terms letting go of the life that they wanted and learn how to focus on the present to start to truly live the life that they have? >> Okay. Now, I'm gonna hold myself accountable to the question that we tabled. >> Yeah. >> But I shouldn't wrigle out of that one, but it actually it's very connected to this as well. >> So, we were asking before about like the pressure of the biological clock, you know, I the pressure of, you know, having to get married because I I want to have children. Okay. I'm going to state the obvious, but sometimes it needs to be stated. There are people who get married when they're 18. and they don't have a child the first year, the second year, the third year, or after 10 years. And we all know what a painful situation that is. And one of the things that a situation like that forces us to recognize is how little control we have. That We're really dependent on Hashem and that a child coming into this world is not something that any human power can generate at will. And you can all of your best efforts, all of your all of your hard work, all of your your smarts, all of your money, it Hashem is the one who decides. And we all know that it just sometimes we forget it. And then, God forbid, when someone's in the situation, they're facing that struggle, they eventually have to come to terms with this idea that this is in Hashem's hands. I can do what I can do to make myself the best version of myself today to be the most present that I can in my life as it is today. But I can't force Hashem's hand. I can only just show up in the best possible way. Um so since we know specifically talking about the miracle of conception and birth and we know that that this whole the whole fertility para is something really really that that humbles us and forces us to remember that it's not in our human control. So I would say in a in a similar vein, do you really think that whether you have children at a certain time or how many children you're going to have or you really think that that's under our control? Hashem has a plan for you. There is a perfect plan for you. And if you think about things from a let's call it worldly perspective then it feels like well you know time is ticking and biological clock and all that stuff but I want I I got news for you live reality for a while and and we will quickly be disabused of the notion that the worldly perspective actually is a normal way to go through life. After a while, you realize that the miraculous perspective is the only way to really go through life. And yes, we do our our list like we mentioned earlier, but these things are gifts from God. The blessings are are are from heaven. This is not something that we can just snap our fingers and we can do this at will just because we've decided now is the time. This is how it has to happen when it has to happen. So I I would say give yourself permission to trust God's plan because even if you got married when you were 18, you would still be subject to God's plan. >> You would still be subject to his plan and everything would happen how he wants, when he wants, the way he wants. So don't don't don't m don't make it don't make yourself feel like you have less control over your situation because you're you're still single. Nobody has any control over this. This is something com we take it for granted especially in the front world where thank god there are a lot of children. We take it for there we take it for granted because people have children so often it just feels like something that just it just happens. It's a miracle. It doesn't just happen. It's a every single time it's a miracle. And if we forget for a minute it's a miracle, ask a couple that, God forbid, is dealing with infertility and they will remind you that it is something that is a miracle that it's in Hashem's hands. It's not under our our our human control. Okay. Now, regarding what we were saying before about how did you word it about living our lives in the situation as it is right now? I want to give a prop. Yeah. >> Yeah, sure. I remember the question. I'm just Is it okay if I summarize what you just said? >> Yeah, please. >> Um, so I'm hearing that your life can truly transform when you change your subjective experience. That there's a set of rules. There's an expectation of the way things should be and things are supposed to be happening a certain way. When we let go of this expectation again that there is a certain life we're supposed to live and we're not living it >> right >> and we realize where we are is exactly where we are meant to be. Not only is it exact, >> but there is no shame, there is no failure, there is no illusion of not good enough because God put you here and God is the best planner. He is the best designer. He's flawless in his illustration of your life. The more we can focus on that, the more we'll be able to tolerate the things that feel uncomfortable and the more rich our life will feel, knowing that this is the best way we're supposed to live our life. And it's really letting go of those expectations and reframing reframing a new a new expectation. Um, I don't even want to use the word expectation. It's creating a new relationship to our life instead of holding on to the one we thought we were supposed to live, right? >> And so my follow-up question was >> really, how do you recommend people let go of grief? So, let's say someone's hearing this >> and they say, "Okay, so I'm going to focus on being present. I'm going to focus on remembering it's God's timeline, not my timeline, >> but I have a lot of grief. I have a lot of sadness. I wanted to live that life. I love the idea intellectually, Rabbi Taban Sapora, but emotionally I feel sad. >> Yeah, let but that's such a wonderful question, but let's be really really clear or let's clarify for ourselves. You you call it grief and I agree that's that's that's the word. But what are we grieving? Like let's let's be clear here. You know, we grieve a loss. >> God forbid uh >> someone's mourning the >> I would say probably a loss of experience maybe like a loss of experience. >> So you're grieving >> a loss of experience and >> a loss of a lifestyle experience. Yeah. You're grieving the loss of and you say an experience as if it's like an event, but you're actually talking about much more than that. Like a whole a whole life, a whole a whole story. >> Yeah. >> A whole storyline that you thought was supposed to be your story. I was sure this was my story. And like you said, even when you get to the point where you can embrace the present, but it's like, well, what do I do with this whole past that isn't what I thought it was supposed to be? I I think it's helpful to to remember that Hashem is the best storyteller. and your path to all of the wonderful blessings that Hashem has in store for you, your best path toward all of that happening is actually exactly the path that you're on. So whatever fiction that you wrote for yourself, >> whatever alternate reality you imagined, that's not the best path for you to reach where you need to reach. What is the best path for you to reach where you need to reach this life that you've been living? It's been the perfect trajectory to get you to where you need to go. So instead of grieving what what was lost, celebrate that you've even in the the pain, even in the the loss that it's perfectly orchestrated, that it's your story. It's exactly your story. You wouldn't be who you are today without that story. You wouldn't be in the position that you're in today without that story. and and also that all of this is putting you in the right place to ultimately meet your other half. It's all part of the story. It's not an aberration. It's not like you were led off course and now you got to get back on. And what does the GPS say? Recalculating. No, no, no. You weren't off course. This is the course. This is it. Your life has been perfect. So there's there's nothing to regret. That's also that's another killer like the the you know awake at 3 in the morning going over your entire life figuring out at what precise point did I go wrong? >> That's actually the one of the questions that a lot of people sent in which was is it possible for a person to miss their bus? >> Yeah. Yeah. I mean this is by the way that's a very complicated question because the gum speaks about sheayakim the idea of oh the context is is it says that we make engagements on even though normally an engagement engagement is actually a business transaction. We actually don't normally wouldn't do that in kamite but we do it because lest you hesitate and somebody else swoops in and beats you to the punch so to speak. So there's a whole discussion in the goto about that. Um and there are different explanations according to different commentaries and most of the commentaries explain by the way that ultimately you can't push off destiny. You can create complications. Um but you are meant for the person that you're meant for. And maybe you did meet your basher at some earlier juncture in your life and you weren't ready or he wasn't ready and so it didn't happen. But you got to understand that that's hushkaratus too and that ultimately if that's the right person yeah maybe you did miss each other but you know what maybe you missed each other a bunch of times and then you'll be on stories of hope and you'll say and then we found if we look back through our lives we were in the same room at the same exact time 20 different times we didn't even know it >> or I I saw him and I said get out of my way I'm late I got to get to my Uber and then I realized that was my bish Yeah, maybe you missed each other, but you're not going to even if you quote unquote missed each other, that's also part of the story. That's also trust me, you're not derailing Hashem's perfect story for you. >> I think that's I hope that echoes in everyone's heart. You can't push off your destiny. You can't get in the way of God's plan. And most definitely when you're trying so hard to do the right thing, how dare anyone plant any seed of doubt and make you believe that you're getting in the way of God's plan. God who is playing like hot and cold like taking breadcrumbs and because he's your dad and he wants you to find the treasure, he's leading you. >> Yeah. >> And you're getting in the way of his plan. So attention matchmakers. Attention. It's >> hubris, isn't it? It's really say you >> Yeah. I almost You messed up God's plan. Oh, I have >> You're so powerful that >> Of course we have. [Music] >> Yeah. Well, you know what your can do? It can cause you to have a miserable life until it happens. Our when it comes down to it, our our real choice that we have is if something's supposed to happen, it's going to happen and it's going to happen exactly when it's supposed to happen, not sooner, not later. Our is are you going to be miserable up until that point or are you going to be productive? >> That's it. That's what we're choosing. >> The I will repeat the question. The question was are there people that God always decided well their destiny is to be single? It speaks it speaks about in Kabala sometimes where first of all there's there's no such thing as a single person by definition because a soul is like started as one unit. So everyone who is everyone who has a soul which is everyone has another half which means there's no such thing as a single doesn't it doesn't exist. Um, what can happen according to Kabala is in a particular gilgal they might miss each other. Um, I guess that could be a scary concept. Maybe that's me. Maybe I'm maybe in this incarnation I'm uh not going to at least physically be united with my with my other half. Um, yeah, that's a possibility that exists. But can I ask you a question? Based on everything you know about Amun Ban, if I told you there's this rare weird aberration that can sometimes happen every few lifetimes to a very small minority of people, would it be in line with the to assume that that's you? that if it happens to one out of a million times that's going to be me right of course my rotten luck >> or would it be more in line with amun to say of course I'm not going to be single my whole life of course I'm getting married and I'm going to be happy and productive until that moment why should you assume that you're this unusual situation like even if it were true why should a person make that assumption when it's such a well the probability is that's not the case. The prepundonderance of of the the the statistical probability is that almost certainly you're getting married. So yeah, I wouldn't I wouldn't live your life based on uh on a mute on a on a statistically irrelevant or statistically insignificant uh aberration. >> And you know what's so sad? There are people that um for some reason they think that it's out of the good of their heart to tell other people, >> you may have missed your bus share. You should go back to your list of people that you've been suggested to because you probably missed your bus share. And you know what? I'm going to tell you something crazy. I was told that by someone and I went back to my list. Um because I thought that was the hishad list I had to do and I reached out to someone that I thought well you know at the time which the irony is that at the time this person wasn't uh religious enough for me and at that time my religious growth declined. So I thought perfect and they were married. So what does that mean? And there are people that have planted the seed of doubt again I think in their attempt to try to control something we don't understand. >> And to those people if you have that thought you can ruin someone's life by sharing it. So please don't >> Yeah. Yeah. >> Please don't. >> That's a it's a pro tip there. Yeah. Yeah. Of course. Yes. Absolutely. >> Right. >> Yeah. >> I mean, but that's a similar that's the same question as before like people who are going to be single in this lifetime when you say what if your Basher died, >> right? that but that's one of the ways that happens by the way that uh but it if I were to tell you that there's there's a you know a one ina million chance you're going to walk outside and get hit by lightning you're not going to not walk outside it's not first of all it's not sensible but more importantly it's not in line with a ben I I think this is let me just pause here you you're all familiar with the concept of Okay. A Yiddish expression, think good, it will be good. That means that positive framing isn't just to subjectively improve our experience of something. It means that thought has power. Thought has power. Just like action has power. If you do something, it has consequences. Just like speech has power. If you say something, it has consequences. Thought has consequences. No, no pressure. I don't want to to spook you out, but um thought has power. So, it's very easy to psych yourself out and go into negative thinking, especially when you even think you're being religious, like because you hear these religious themed, it's basically religious themed anxiety, but that's all it is. It's really, it's the it's the Yates trying to make you miserable so that you can't serve Hashem properly. uh and so that you don't productively use your last few moments as a single person. But it it but it takes on this this veneer of religiosity because it's like you know quoting my kazal and it sounds very very but the reality is look at the results of it. It's undermining your ability to be present in Hashem's world as he's making it for you at this moment. So we have to be very careful about what thoughts we choose to focus on. And even if you were to hear some cabalistic concept of this person was single in this lifetime because their basher died. What crazy things it's you know I could open up a newspaper right now and find things you could meditate on that would make you miserable and you and everyone here would know how how foolish that would be. So, Laavdo, if you open up a safer and you find something there that you could meditate on and make you miserable, like why is that any less foolish? Why is that any less cruel? Cruel to yourself, right? >> So, it it's foolish. It's cruel. That of course there are these concepts, but the reality is we need to think positively and the prepundonderance of evidence is everything's going to work out. Everything's going to be fine. Hashem is guiding you. Hashem's running your life meticulously orchestrated to every detail and he's doing it with infinite wisdom and infinite kindness. It's all going to be fine. And the more you're aligned with that feeling that it's all going to be fine. It actually helps to, you know, open things up that it should it should be a a more clear path. >> We need to work together to continue to exercise that belief like it's all going to be okay. family, friends, uh friends to one another. And on that note, I I want to ask you the question that I know a lot of people are burning to ask, which is >> what's the deal with sigulas and how come it may seem to work for one person and then not another? Am I supposed to rely on it? Am I supposed to try it? Um >> sometimes I feel like if you want me to The best way to turn me off from Judaism is to tell me to try a sigula. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> And then watch it um so to speak not work according to the expectation that I have. These are some of the comments that people shared. >> So how might you respond or tab to that whole mysterious mystical concept that's another attempt to try to control something we don't understand and yet seems to maybe work for some people. Look, schools are a real thing, but first off, personally, I'm not into sigulas. And so certainly I don't go around suggesting them to people and especially like you mentioned, it's so often um it it it leads to a really negative experience. Even you know you mentioned if someone tries it and doesn't work is a negative experience but even before that just suggesting it to you I is is hurtful. It's because it's it's that implication of well don't don't you know haven't you haven't you tried that? Are you are you really doing your due diligence? Like trust me. Yes. I mean this is my full-time job over here. Okay. So let me tell you like this the greatest sigula so to speak is mitzvah in other words tora is the pipeline is the the the conduit for all of Hashem's blessings all of Hashem's blessings. And so the best thing that anyone can do in any situation, whether they're waiting for their or they're waiting for having a child or they're waiting for a new job or whatever whatever it is, we're not going to use the word waiting, but what whatever it is that's the next thing, the next big thing in their life. Um, we want to open up the channel for Hashem's blessings. And the best way to do that is to live a life aligned with Hashem's will. Again, not as I mentioned earlier, not as tit for tat quid proquo that we're trying to bribe God, but just in a sense of being aligned. In other words, you can look at it like this. It's like it's not even so much like, well, do this and then get that. It's more like I should be doing this anyway. I should be the best version of myself anyway. I want to be the most spiritually developed version of myself that I can be today. And and that's different for everybody. I said version of myself doesn't mean you take someone else's uh paradigm of from kite and that has to be what you're measuring yourself up against. And and if you're not measuring up against it, that's why you're not married yet. God forbid. But the best version of yourself, because think about it, if you can be the best version of yourself, first of all, yes, it it opens up pathways for blessings. Um, but also it makes you more aligned with your blessings because blessings come and sometimes we're not aligned with them and we don't, you know, it it can things are not black and white. It's not like binary black black and white either or. Um, a person can receive a blessing but not be aligned with it. And even though it's a blessing, it can cause disruption in your life. I mean, really awesome things like getting married or like having a child can actually cause disruption in your life if you're not aligned with it. So, how do we make sure that we're aligned with our blessings is to be the best version of ourel, the most spiritual version of ourel. So by increasing in our basic observance of Torah mitzvah, everyone knows what level they're on. Everyone knows where they where they need to work. Everyone knows which area they need to to focus on more, what what new resolution you can take on a hed mitzvah, some way of beautifying a mitzvah you're already doing or whatever it may be. But by doing that, not only we're opening up channels of blessing, but we're becoming the version of ourselves that will best receive those blessings when the time comes and that we'll be able to integrate the blessing. You know what I'm saying? Like the person can have something really awesome happen, but they're not really ready for it or they're not holding space for it. And and it can actually be, you know, change is stressful. Even good change can be stressful. So when you make yourself the best version of yourself, you're preparing yourself that when the blessing comes, it'll be smooth. It'll be it'll it'll be more natural and and you know, but by doing a school, how you doing that? You know, that doesn't even accomplish that. So what I would say, forget about the scholas. and the the greatest school. If you want Hashem's blessings, align yourself with Hashem. Be the best version of yourself. And again, this is not pressure. This is not trying to tell you like, well, if you would be more f then I know that's how a lot of people use it. It's more like I'm on a journey. We've been using the word story. You know, this is my story. Obviously, in my story, there's character development. You know, I'm the hero of my story. You're the hero of your story. Obviously, you don't remain the same person the whole time. What kind of story would that be? Right? So, obviously, there's a progression. If there's a progression, if there's character development, obviously, I'm getting better. Well, if I'm getting better, that means there was a version of me that wasn't as good. Oh, no. I have to cry about the fact that I wasn't as good. No, don't cry about it. That's part of the story. Part of the story. You started here and then you went here and then you went here. And by the way, it's never like this. It's usually like like like that. Like the stock market. Okay, but here's the thing. Focus on your growth as a person, as a Jew. Focus on your relationship with Hashem. And then you're accomplishing everything that you need to accomplish. And whatever blessings are coming, you're aligning yourself with those blessings in a in a way that's much more holistic and much more uh much more natural, I guess, is the word that I would use as opposed to something that you know, you're doing it. It's but it's like what does it have to do with your life? What does it have to is it something you're going to continue? It's like some of these sigulas like is this something you're incorporating in your life? you going to continue doing this? And if not, why would you do it once? Like, if it's if it's such a good thing, in other words, if you want to do something, do something you're actually looking forward to doing forever because it's that valuable. It's that good. You know, I want to continue doing this. That's that's my that's my two cents on >> school. It's it's so much more valuable than that. Um, and the the generalized theme is that any attempt to find quote unquote answers to give insight as to why things aren't according to the way we thought they should be is a disillusion to the fact that everything is going according to plan. It's really hard to remember when the people around you make you think that where you are isn't good enough. It's really hard to remember when we're comparing the life we have to the life we thought we should have. But the more we let go and let God, the more we change our perspective on on simply like what our life means to us and what we're living for, the greater the greater our life will be. And it's not something we could really do alone alone. It takes a lot of work. We're always always always always working. Um, but the I mean the fruits of the labor you see you see right away. The work you invest is going to create the life that you want. And >> yeah, say that again. >> Which is exciting. >> Say that line again. What do you say? >> The work you invest is going to create the life that you want. >> That's awesome. >> Thank you. >> You made that up. >> Um, it's probably a compilation of a lot of things I've read. I don't know if I can take credit, but um this has been really calming. >> Before before you go move on, I just want to add if you want a specific thing you can do to be more spiritual and to work on your your spiritual growth and it'll also help you be more present and be a better version of yourself. Today I want to recommend the best sigula. I think if you want a sigoula, here it is. It's called ani. The first thing you say when you wake up, I give thanks. This is important for all of us at all times because we always have to like you said, you know, let go and let God isn't just I give thanks. It's also I admit isn't just gratitude. It's also admission. I didn't put myself here. So I open the day with with not just gratitude, with submission, humility, acceptance. I didn't put myself here. I'm not in control. I'm just showing up. >> I'm showing up. >> And that's so good. Like just in general, it's a healthy attitude. But especially if you're in a phase of life that we're not calling waiting. God forbid it's not waiting. But we're when you're in a phase of life where it's sometimes it's going on for a long time. And like I said before, we don't know how long it's going to go on for. And so sometimes just waking up in the morning can be painful because it's like, oh, another day. Oh, another day of this. Okay. Just and we're still going. We're still we're still no change. Yep. W I woke up and my reality is just the same reality like it was yesterday. Which can become obviously incredibly deflating, demoralizing. But to wake up and say like, "Wow, I'm grateful. I'm waking up with gratitude. I'm also waking up with humility. I'm admitting I did not put myself here. Hashem put me here. Hashem put me here for a reason. There's something I need to accomplish this day. This day isn't just time. I have to bide some time. I have to waste some time. Kill some time. God forbid. Until I get to when my real life is going to really begin when this next big thing happens." No. Today has has its value, has its special purpose. So I think if you want to quote unquote sigula, >> a good maidani to start your day with gratitude and with humility and acceptance and surrender. And then by the way, I have a a tip for you after you get married. This will help you with your shalom. It's called my anani. When you wake up and you got to run a house and you have a husband, you have kids and you have responsibilities and how you gonna face it all. Maid ani whatever juncture of of life you're in, you know, maidani is always going to be it's always going to be helpful. >> It's so powerful. It's such a specific action point to internalize everything we've heard. I've never thought about using the word humility when it comes to letting go. Like how arrogant of me to think that I know better and this is the way I think my life should look. I think it's actually a little bit easier for me to practice humility than to practice letting go. And I think that if we p the more we practice humility, it's probably a lot easier a lot easier to let go. Um, so I hope that together we could we could focus on that piece of modi that when we wake up and say it, it's I recognize that this is exactly where I'm supposed to be. And I'm grateful. Not just recognizing that, but I'm grateful for whatever is about to come my way. And I I I do want to open up the floor for questions. I really feel like, you know, as I'm hearing you, I'm like, "All right, my work's done. Everyone just needs to listen to this, internalize it, practice it collectively all together. It's it's the simple MS which can seem not simple when there's so much noise around it distracting us. Um so I want to say thank you so much and I want to open up the floor. Yes >> we can repeat the questions. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So the question was it doesn't matter how much positive selft talk, spiritual boosts or motivation we say tonight I want this god and I'm praying for it and I'm taught that I should pray and cry and beg you for what I want. How often do people say now is an ace rough zone beg? Like no doesn't feel like an option I'll consider and accept. Why aren't you giving this to me if this is what I feel I want? Is that the question? >> Yeah. >> Yeah. I I I mean my my Etsy Kaplan's here. Shout out to her. She's a very good friend of mine. Um so it's very inspiring to me. And I I've said many times like you know we hear that God says um I'm I'm I'm turning a stone into a diamond. And I've said like, "I'm so okay being a stone. I'm okay being a pebble. I don't even need to be a stone." How would you address that? >> Yeah. >> You know, it's like they say everything's good, but there's revealed good, there's there's hidden good. And of the two, the hidden good is the higher good. Cabalistically, it comes from Alma Discassia. It comes from hidden worlds, higher worlds, right? So, it's like you are a little kid and your parents take you to a fancy restaurant where they have the brick oven goat cheese pizza with the basil leaves and you're like, "Yuck." And then they take you to the greasy pizza place with the white doughy pizza with the, you know, the oil on top. You're like, "Yum, I love it." Right? and and we're trying to explain to you, no, you should like the fancy gourmet pizza and but you're a little kid. You like the the the the greasy pizza, right? So, it's like someone trying to convince you, well, wouldn't you prefer to have more refined tastes? Like, wouldn't you prefer to have the classier thing, the nicer thing? Well, no. This that's but that's not what I like. Don't try to convince me what I like. I know what I like, you know, and if I'm a little kid and I like the greasy pizza, not the the brick oven fancy stuff which tastes weird to me. Let me enjoy what I enjoy, right? So that's a compelling question, right? But there there has to be an answer to that question. The answer to the question, you know, they say don't ask a question whose answer will not be as strong as the question. the there's nothing I can do. The answer to this question, depending on who you are and where you're at, may not be as strong as the question. Let me try to say this carefully and slowly. There's an answer to this question. For some people, the question the answer is extremely strong. For some people, the answer is totally unsatisfying. And I'm g and it's the same answer. It's I mean and I'm going to put it out there, but I I'll try to explain why for some people it's very strong and for some people it's very weak. Basically comes down to this. When we understand that the hidden good is hidden precisely because it comes from a higher place and therefore it doesn't translate well to this world. That's not enough. What we need to understand is that the hidden good because it comes from a higher spiritual plane, it's actually making us closer to Hashem. And then you're forced to make a decision, which I'm not telling you which way to decide. I I can't tell you which way to decide because you can't fake it. It's got to be authentic. what you'll decide whatever you'll honestly decide and but the decision is what do I value more a a comfortable life or a more meaningful life now I would like to have both and by the way ideally sometimes they can both happen at the same time but if I'm forced to choose between comfortable or meaningful that's why I said this answer may not be so strong for many people because I would say the vast majority of people would say totally just give me comfortable I don't care about meaningful and you have to be really spiritually evolved to even consider you know what I would forgo the comfort to get the meaning here's what I want to tell you most people will not be called upon to reach this level most people will be able to get through life and basically insist on choosing comfort over meaning. Some people people who have been through difficulties and there are all types of difficulties. One difficulty, yeah, is somebody who's in the para for a long time. That's a difficulty, but there's plenty of other difficulties and and by the way, plenty of other difficulties that are in some ways worse, some ways better. I don't think it makes sense to compare or contrast because the reality is that Hashem gives everyone the difficulty that is meant for them. And bottom line, anyone who knows loss, anyone who knows hardship, anyone who's been different than all of their friends and has had to stand at the outside because of something that they're struggling with, those people are forced to come eventually to come to a place where they say, "You know what? I can actually willingly choose closeness with Hashem over what I would prefer as, you know, more comfortable, more more pleasant. And and let me add, I'm completely confident that in the future, in the imminent immediate future, I'm going to have revealed good. Right? So, there's a there's a few different pieces to this. I'm okay with the present. By the way, I'm not looking for hardship. I'm not going out trying to make my life more complicated. God forbid. But if that's what it is for now, for today, for this moment, then I'm okay willingly accepting it because I know it's bringing me closer to Hashem, even if it's uncomfortable. And at the same time, I'm 100% confident that very very soon there's going to be revealed good where it's easy to recognize the blessing. Okay. So, just to to to to sum it up to make sure you're following this, most people, you know, thank God I'm happy for them. I don't wish it differently for them. have the luxury of basically saying, "I want what I want and I'm going to tell Hashem exactly what I want and I'm going to be dissatisfied until I get it." There are special people. How they're chosen, I don't know. But clearly, we see there are special people who face different types of hardships. And like I said, there's all types of different hardships. These people usually will come to a point eventually sooner or later where they are able to be at peace with reality however it is. It doesn't mean that you can't have reality when it's comfortable and pleasurable and pleasant. That's that's nice if that's what Hashem is giving you. But also, you're capable of being at peace and present even if a particular moment entails hardship. And that's something most people can most people cannot do at present. They're they don't have that capacity to do that yet. But people who have been through difficult this is why what what I really want to add by the way because this is really the bottom line because yes anyone who's had difficulty in life yes is forced to be more spiritual but that that's not the punch line because who cares if you're more spiritual really what it has to translate to is stepping up and being of service to others and taking some type of leadership role. So, if you've been taught tough lessons because you've had to deal with some type of challenge that was to put you in a position to do something to accomplish something there. Every situation is different. Every person is different. Every every lesson is different. But one thing I think they all have in common is certainly those who have been through difficulties do develop a greater sensitivity are forced to develop a greater sensitivity, compassion, um empathy, not just sympathy but empathy. And I would say anyone who has had a struggle in life, you are the compassionate person that other people are looking for. And and and sometimes when you think of it that way, it m it does make it much easier to deal with your hardships because when you realize the price for your becoming the person that other people need was to go through some difficulties. Okay, you know what? I I would have brought it upon myself, but now that this is my story and and I see that this was the path and my path did involve challenges. Okay, I accept those challenges if that's what it took to make me the compassionate person that other people need in their life. And and I want to tell you, everyone here is one of those people. And as much as there there are things that you need and and we all need, we all need compassion. We all need support. But I also want to tell you much more important than you, I don't want to say more important, but it's overlooked. So I I want to emphasize it. Just as important as you getting the compassion and the support that you need, please don't overlook the fact that your life lessons have put you in a position to be the source of compassion that other people need. People need you. People need your wisdom, right? There's no one as wise as someone who has an experience isn't just experience. means difficulties, challenges. >> Also, Rabbi Tab, can I ask a question? >> Yeah. >> Didn't our you know, hi, I hear your I hear your question and it makes me want to cry because my response would be I hear you. There's no answer that I can give that will appease the pain that says I don't care if I'm going to lead the Jewish people out of Gullis right now. My pain feels intolerable and I don't want to be in it for another second. So, I'll let someone else ride the donkey. I hear you. Um, I really hear you. I And it would be dismissive for me to give you an answer. I don't have one other than sharing my own compassion and heart. But what comes to my mind is that our AOS also cried and were angry when God put them through certain tests. um they mourned, they they were upset, they were sad, and I think that's part of our experience as a human being. It's part of the friction and tension of the complex growth that we don't choose. Um but sometimes happens like very very deep and may feel like a step back, but it's always a step forward. Um, but we don't understand. And I just hear you. That's it. And I and I find comfort in knowing that our leaders our leaders also experienced pain without understanding. And like Moshe did whatever he could and he didn't even end up entering. I'm looking at your Bal because I'm terrified that in front of millions of people I'm going to say the wrong thing. Right. My Jewish history is correct. A and he and he was and he was he wasn't cool with he wasn't okay with it. He was upset. I don't understand. I'm with you. I don't understand. >> Oh, it's a reference to this week's para. I just caught that was kind >> totally on purpose. >> Oh, wow. >> Totally. >> Okay. But by the way, it's not a coincidence. You're saying our leaders dealt with challenges. It's not a coincidence. Why do you think they are our leaders? And that's what I was saying before and I didn't want to make I want to make it super clear. I I know everyone here wants to receive something. You're waiting for your Yeshua, but please also remember that the world is waiting for you to step up and like >> wow. >> You know, when you're critiquing like there's a little cultural critique going on earlier like why are things the way that the social norms like well who's going to change the social norms? these people, right? Like, >> yeah, >> be the leaders. Please step up. It's like we need you to set the tone. Don't don't let other people set the tone. Don't let the other the people are saying soon by you and here's a sigula. Don't let them set the tone. Like, let's let's have the right people set the tone. That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. What? >> Oh, yes, did. That's right. Right. Okay. We're trying together. >> That's right. We're trying together. >> That's correct. >> I'm sorry. What's your name? Oh, you don't have to say your name if you don't want to. Sorry. Okay. I have to ask question. >> Right. Right. >> I do believe I think I think that doesn't happen. >> I'm going to repeat that. Um, you said sometimes >> you'll have a a desire to dive in for a particular person to work out that let it be this guy, >> right? >> As as an example, and that you've come to a point where you realize that that's probably not what you want to do for. And I like what you said that, >> you know, you you've changed your doubting to if it's the right thing, then let it happen. I I think you said let it happen easily, right? >> Yeah. And by the way, that's what I meant before when I spoke about being the best version of yourself so that you're more aligned for your blessings. When you say it should happen easily, what I what I mean by this, you should be more congruent with it. When you're more aligned with it, then it comes more seamlessly. So yeah, I I I totally agree. >> You're on such a high level. You're a warrior. >> Whoa. >> Wow. >> Don't say please don't please don't say please don't say unfortunately. Please, could we can we I I don't want to edit you, but you say you have unfortunately a lot of life experience. You have a rich life, a complex life of a a a heroic life. So, let's not let's not Can I take away the word unfortunately? >> Heroic. Okay. Heroic. Okay. A heroic life. You have a a a fascinating heroic awesome life. >> You agree? [Applause] There's an echo on the mic. Something changed. There's a reverb or an echo. You got to take it off. Take off the echo. Echo. I'm texting him. >> Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. You are Oh, >> okay. You got to You still on there. You got to take it off. I'm hearing the boss call. This is the boss call that came out 40 days before Utira Savlad. Right now, by the way, it's we officially said we're going from 9 to 11. Can we go into speed round right now? >> Sure. >> I I mean, I don't want to hold people because after we finish live stream, people can stay and hang out here at the Soulwards House, but maybe we should like try to wrap up the official program. And also, we have a special bonus surprise coming up after. So, yeah, we have a bonus surprise. Yes. And we have a raffle which I have to do. So we have a lot of >> Oh, okay. So, so um I don't I want to first did is Was there anything else you wanted to share, Sarah? >> I guess I love to ask how can >> you saying you're ready to step up and respond to this call that I said be the leader? >> Okay. giving up too much of my personal information. >> Right. I don't want to give up too much. >> Right. I want to repeat the question so everyone hears because people will there's thousands of people online right now and they don't hear anything when you're speaking. So I just need to chime in right now. Repeat. You said basically ready to step up be the leader prov share your rich life experience with others to help them. Um but you have this conflict. How much of your personal private life do you give up? Do you you know share? Okay. So, first of all, the answer doesn't have to be a final answer. It can be something that you ask yourself. You check in with yourself at different intervals. So, you could always reveal more later. You can't unreveal something that you already revealed. So, that that's one thing. You can decide to share more and more of your story as it becomes appropriate, as it feels right. But here's the thing. You don't have to like start an Instagram right now and and just like put yourself out on public display uh today. >> But we >> cuz what kind of a weird person would do that? >> Who would do? Who would ever think to do something like that? >> You'd have to be absolutely >> got you got to be pretty nuts. >> Yeah. Um but what you can start doing is leaning into the hashkah, the divine providence. Hashem will put in front of you people who need you. So it's like you don't even have to go out and find them. They will find you. But again, speaking about alignment, you know, we're asking what does it mean aligned? One of the things alignment means is that when Hashem puts the people in your life who need you, which he always does, he's constantly doing that you see them. When we're in that mode of being fully present, even if we're in a painful period of our lives, but we can be totally present, then we start noticing things, including the people who need us. And it might just be a one-on-one conversation. It might just be somebody who, you know, you step outside tonight and and talk to someone for five minutes, and for you it was nothing because that's an obvious thing. Well, it's obvious now after all the hard lessons you learned, it's obvious now. But you're sharing something with somebody else who for them it's not obvious and it's lifech changing. >> So just keep your eyes open for opportunities to share. Um >> if I may also um >> I never dreamed I'd be doing any of this. I think that being popular for being single is probably one of the least cool things anyone can ever do. >> And I I I just thought um I'll work with what I know with what I have. And I gave one speech in my sh. There were 20 people and of the 20, four were my family members supporting me. Two were men waiting for the next minion. Uh, three were my friends who drove in to support me with balloons. So, really there were 10 people who have oh, I forgot my sister-in-law, you know, another another person there. Um, I think everybody that pretty much came other than maybe three were people that were being kind, so I didn't feel foolish. And it was supposed to be a one-time thing. I just felt in my bones this was something I was supposed to do. And I remember thinking, I've never had so much clarity that I think this is what God wants me to do. I don't really want to do it. It doesn't feel flattering, attractive. Um, it feels like I might get ostracized and blacklisted, but it's okay. It's just at my local Shul. It's not being recorded. I don't have Instagram. I didn't. I had a phone number. That was it. Gmail for discounts and work. And someone videoed it. Someone uploaded it. It went viral. And it's led to this moment. And any step that's led to this moment is not a step that um I like searched for or created. It was that I really feel like God put out stepping stones in front of me. And I was like, "Oh, I think I'm supposed to walk there. I see that a light a light flick a light leading me there and I still feel like that all the time. Um I still feel like that all the time like sometimes my friends will say well why are you doing that? I I feel like you don't you're kind of wiped and I'll say well I I feel like that's where God's guiding me. So in in conjunction with what Rabbi Ta shared. I think that when you feel something and you say Hashem I'm ready. A don't underestimate what impact looks like. I think that we think if it's big then it looks visually big. Our understanding of impact is so limited. Um and be open to the hashkaha and excited excited knowing that you're so ready to turn your pain into purpose and like what an honor to be someone that can that can do that for someone else. So feel excited. Feel excited. I I think there was a question over here. Did you have a question? Oh, you didn't have a question. Okay. And >> Okay. I Let's I'll do short answers. >> Okay. >> I I there I saw hands in the back. >> Hi. So um I if I may um it was the first topic we discussed and simply speaking my ta said that the greatest form of Ishtadlas is focusing on your self-development and spiritual growth. >> That's that's what we got to do. So histadas is very very very very personal and it depends on the person's level of beton rabies says that the wall of China or wall of China can't get in the way of someone if they're meant to meet their basher. Um, Rabbi David Arouch says that someone's hash his shadus is just answering the phone. The basi says that hishadless depends on a person's belief. So if a person believes with their heart and soul and full confidence that all they need to do is their routine and the right person can come, then that's between them and God. Um, so it's very personal. >> Yeah. Different for everyone. Like most things, it's there's no one answer for everybody and there's no one normal way. There's no one story that is the correct way to live or like the right age to get married at or something like that. Everyone is different. Everyone's unique. Everyone has their own wonderful story. And you know, >> it's so calming. >> Yeah. Yeah. Well, Hashem is doing a good job, you know. We should be calm. We should be calm. Okay. >> Um, yeah. >> Okay. >> Okay. Can we do the Can we Oh, there's back in the >> Oh, hi. >> the side room. I created this side room for me and I don't get to use it >> cuz I have to sit up here. But I created the little side room for the people who like it's like a little island of you need a little bubble, you know? Like if I were here, I would not sit with the crowd. I would sit actually I would I would sit on the couch facing away from the crowd because that's about as intense as I can tolerate. So I need to acknowledge you who sit you're sitting in the the the >> our baristas of the evening. >> Yes. >> Thank you for the drinks. >> Oh, that's okay. Thank you. That's right. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Mhm. [Music] Big question. Okay. You want to repeat the question? Shall I repeat the question? >> Um, go. >> Okay. Okay. So, we're we're good with the concept of taking on mitzvah and that's really the best thing we could do for ourselves. And um but then you spoke about you sometimes it's just you're already dealing with a lot. I I'm going to paraphrase. You can correct me if I'm putting words in your mouth, but you know, you're already, let's say, you go, you have a an emotional load you're carrying, and then it could be like you're adding extra pressure by taking on, you said another cabala, another resolution, another and it could just become I don't want to use the word burdensome, but it can can feel that way, right? That's kind of what you're saying, right? Okay. So, here's the thing. taking on mitzvah is not like remember when you were a kid and I don't know if this is a girl experience or this is only for little boys. I I tell me if this is very gender specific, but I know like little boys the the first day of Pes you come to Shul and you find your friends and you say how late did your sader go, right? And there's like this competition to see like whose seder was more ridiculously drawn out like it's some badge of honor, right? It's like this masochistic thing of like how long could you suffer, right? Taking on mitzvah is not like a it's not an endurance sport where you like you're seeing like how much of this can I push myself. It it shouldn't be any pushing. There shouldn't be it shouldn't be pressure. If you think about it like this, you're an ashama. You're an ashama. That's what you are. You're not, like they said, we're we're not uh human beings having a spiritual experience. We're spiritual beings having a human experience. So, you're in the shama. The most natural thing for you is to express yourself through connecting to Hashem. And the way we connect to Hashem is mitzvah. So, if it feels like pressure, if it feels like it's adding to your load, that might be a sign that's not the right direction. There's so many directions that we can go. Um I say at least three times. Yeah, three times. I'm saying kadesh right now for my father. So I we say the Mishna after every every Hashem wanted to make the Jewish people meritorious. Therefore, he increased to mitzvah. What does that mean? He increased to mitzvah doesn't mean he burdened us with more shoulds. He increased to mitzvah to give us more merit. Means we have so many options. There's so many different things to choose from. So, what I would say is yes, spiritual growth is super important. Look for the stuff that feels like it's a natural expression of of who you are. It should feel as natural as like you know sometimes you're like by yourself maybe and you just start humming a tune and it just just comes out of you. You're not doing it like you're not even doing it for anyone. You just just start humming a tune. It's just spontaneous. That's the feeling that feeling of just like I want to express my nishama. Oh, how do I express it? this mitzvah, but not in a way. It should never feel like something foreign being put upon you. It should feel something should feel like something organic and and authentic. It's flowing out of you. And if you use that as your sort of your barometer to test it, then you'll I think you'll you'll you'll find the right areas for spiritual growth at the right time. Does that resonate with you? Okay. Awesome. Awesome. And in addition, if I may, um I heard you say that there's like certain mitzvah you want to do, but you're not in that position. So you feel like Hashem, I'm ready to do those mitzvah. Put me in that position. And um I think it's connected to the Modi concept that Rabbi Ta shared, which is exercising that humility of this is where God wants me to be and this is how he believes I should connect to him. And it's not, it doesn't feel warm and fuzzy, but the more we practice it, the more it becomes a lifestyle instead of a belief that we have to work on exercising. And I think that's the goal of everything we've discussed tonight, which is taking these ideas and turning it into a lifestyle, not just a belief, not just a coping mechanism, not just a mindset, but it's a lot of work to transform a lifestyle where the foundation is nothing is wrong with me if I'm single. My life is not less than where I am is exactly where I'm meant to be. I'm on God's timeline, not my timeline. I'm here to grow and to develop into the best human being I can be. And yeah, there's things I want more than anything in the world, but I don't call the shots. And I can trust that the person that does is calling the best shots to give me the best life. And when I exercise that humility and I learn to live in the present and not worry because everything's going according to plan, I learn to love myself and create a life I love with God guiding me the entire time. I don't doubt where I am. I feel like my life is rich instead of me feeling poor. and I could have an elevated way of living that is just enhancing who I am and what I want in every single way. It's it's it's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. Um but it's not a mysterious secret. And when we start, we're already steps ahead. And you don't need to go through it alone. So maybe tonight, think of one person that could be your accountability partner, that could be your um uh that can be your sponsor. And when you're struggling, why struggle alone? Reach out to them. What's our what's our new life motto again? What do we need to remember to hold on to? Because you might leave tonight being excited and tomorrow you might be in the exact same space because you've spent a long time being told certain beliefs that haven't nourished you, but have actually left your bucket very, very empty. And if you leave and this week it's really hard for you to implement these ideas, then that's really normal and that's a really good sign because it means that you're trying. But what's fantastic is the more you try, the more you make a mindful effort. And I would suggest writing a tila because affirmations are really powerful and that's what tila is. It's affirming the beliefs that we need to remember that we often forget. writing a personal tila of what you want to focus on and what you want to remember and reading it reading it reading it until it becomes something that you're so used to that you don't even need to look down anymore and then it's become a part of your lifestyle and not just simply a belief you need to exercise and I'm so so so grateful to you Rabbi Ta for sharing your heart um for being a partner in um this this new global belief that we really need to spread um thank you so Thank you. >> My pleasure and honor. Okay, now we have we have two treats. One is our raffle and the other one we're gonna Yeah. What? No, we can't end the stream because people have to see the No, this is our It's the raffle. Leave the stream. We got to do the raffle. Anyways, we're doing a raffle. We have a special set of books. Oh, and by the way, those who want to send in names, we're going to bring to theel. So, you can go to tuba of 5785. That's No, no. Soulwords.orgtuba of5785. Yeah. Okay. And you can send in names. We'll bring those in before tuba. Okay. >> Okay. Anyways, here here we have Yeah. I'll answer all these specific questions after the stream. Okay. We have this set of it's called eternal joy. Three volumes. These are um basically taken from the letters the of of the Reba like you see there on the bookshelf in the library of the igresses. Egress are letters that the Reb wrote to all types of people all walks of life about all types of real life issues. So they excerpted from the Reb's letters various guidance about and marriage and um I think one the first volume is aboutim and the next volume is about the engagement. Oh yeah. Volume one is dating and shidim. Volume two is engagement and marriage. Volume three is married life and shalom bias. And this is from sikas in English. And then I have another book here covered in blessing which is about kis. So God willing all of the contents here should uh be applicable and be able to be used and um by everyone here. And what we're going to do is we're going to raffle this off. So you all this is all this is real. This is Okay. I just want to make sure this is not like fixed or anything. It's not Okay. These are real tickets. People do you have Can I I'm a little skeptical. Yeah. Okay. That's what Thank you. You're showing me you have a blue ticket. Okay. So it is a real thing. Okay. We We handed out these little blue tickets. So you the people actually are holding blue. Were you guys sitting there holding blue ticket the whole time? >> That was uncomfortable. Must been so uncomfortable. >> Okay. All right. All right. Fine. All right. All right. Okay. Let's >> I'm so excited for whoever gets it because that means you'll probably be needing it very soon. >> Okay, here we go. Three. Oh, very good. Three, two, oh, >> six. O, >> you won. Oh, >> so you gave us >> amazing. Okay, >> that's so exciting. Okay, we have one more surprise and we're going to end the stream and we have a special musical part of our program which is called Isha. So, I'm going to leave. Um, but you want to >> Yeah, >> it's not me. >> It's not me, guys. >> No, do keep You're going to lose your crowd. Go bring her out. >> Yeah. Yeah. Okay. As soon as Mali is here, I'm going to step out. My daughter-in-law Mali is coming here. Now it sounds like nepatism. She is my daughter-in-law. Okay, she here. As soon as she hear