Rebbetzin Bina Poston: Journey to Judaism / Shiur about Rosh HaShana at Pninei Or

anybody [Music] share a little bit about my who I am I was born in a Hindu family and I was actually born in Jamaica the Caribbean wow and um I was really a Searcher looking for answers in my life and I did not find my path through Hinduism uh it was not a mystical uh uh Hinduism it was more traditional and um I think when I was a teenager I went to a church and I made connection there for a season in my life and maybe I got connected in that 17 years old I felt connected and then later on I think in my 20s I felt like uh I was going to Baltimore from Jamaica I was in the states I was in Baltimore attending a new church and I had a lot of questions and I asked the pastor questions I mean this is not about uh talking down Christianity because I don't do that but it's just that I was misunderstood and thought to be as rebellious because of the questions that I was asking and uh it happens to a lot of people I understand but what it did for me it threw me into an identity crisis [Music] because all of a sudden you're following something you're following the Bible you're doing everything and you raise a question and the person that is teaching you know the 2 000 people you know and he's singling me out I couldn't even look at what I would call then my Bible book you know so that was the initial part of it my um I lost my father at a very young age I had a lot of rejection you know trauma in my life that was also compounded so when I had this experience in the church it just made it like I said what's wrong with me I'm sure we can relate to that you know you look at yourself and say there's something wrong with me you know so anyway what happened was that um Hashem speaks sometimes to us if we don't know anything in a very very simple ways for example somebody sent me a postcard when I was in the church in Baltimore of Budapest Hungary and I looked at the picture and right away when I looked at the picture I said why not so the church had an affiliate church back in Budapest hungry so I went there and I was there for a year and a half but it happened one winter night I went and I was really feeling really sad about the persecution like the pastor and the whole school was like after me you know whatever it was not nice and I'm not a fighter I was anything but rebellious I didn't have a rebellious bone in my body I just didn't know because he was this this message of you have to submit submit submit to the pastor submit submit I said to him one day Pastor I think I have a problem with authority he says I'll tell you what it is and he takes the mic and he comes over to me it's called Rebellion so that was where my crisis started so anyway I saw this photo of Budapest I went to the affiliate Church in Budapest Hungary and here comes my spiritual experience uh it really touches me to the core um has anybody been to Hungary yeah but you know you know the fisherman's Bastion whatever I lived in the Buddha side for a year and a half I was out there in a February night and I was praying over the Daniel praying to God and then I don't even know where the verse is but it in my language uh Lord I want to build you a house it's found in second uh Samuel seven and then I said what is this I where what is this I didn't hear anything audible but the verse just was in me and then I went home and I looked everywhere for this everywhere and I found it so that was the first thing building this house and two weeks later I attended an exhibition there are many countries with names on it boots and I'm just looking at the artifacts in the counters so all of a sudden I hit a booth I don't know what shofar is I don't know what uh um the hotel is I don't know anything uh things to do with Jebel Wilson support and I'm looking down and I just break tears came to my eyes and then I looked up and I saw the word Israel and I said to myself what on Earth is this you know that's what I'm saying you don't have to know everything to to intuitively connect with Hashem and with who you are because the initiations of God towards us especially for us who are giving we're in a journey I mean each of you could tell your own story how you got here and we all have a story and the story gets built up and whenever it really builds up so um it could be on a mountain and you don't know anybody and there's just a bird there and that would be enough to speak to you you Hashem finds a creative way so what happened with me they parked that information in my head I was in Budapest for a year and a half I just parked it I went back to Baltimore in the U.S take a check out the temperature of the leader the pastor there and it was still like it was this big friction it was a very big uh uh um Evangelical Church and so I had this little Visionary thing already happened so I'm reading my Bible in Baltimore and I read in English I don't know it's called parasha and it says go useful just go and you know what I knew that I knew that I knew that I'm going to Israel I was not interested in Israel I didn't know anything about Israel even from the time I had that the moving experience at Epiphany I didn't know anything so I um came here with uh two and a half bags in 1999 and technically never left okay I did leave but you know but 1999 it was not so easy also I came to Ben Gurion and I felt like I came home I said what is this feeling that I'm feeling when I'm looking at these people as if I know them and if I cry you have to I probably should have a tissue but it touches me you know here mine I'm like you know I'm home something is different because you don't know what a home is until you find it it was very very moving I didn't understand it and then afterwards um what happened I I would go to the hotel I heard about the thank you Dakota and by night and sometimes when I look at the Jews in the face it's like I remember the university in Isaiah they they have Olam in their eyes I I saw eternity in their eyes and then I had another experience this is before even conversion now another experience where I went to rent a refrigerator I didn't know anything and the 15 a month I was living in a very small studio and I walked in there and I rented it and when I walked out I broke because I remember the story of Yosef that Joseph wept when he he he he saw his brothers they didn't know they didn't know who he was right but Joseph recognized them and something something really touched me there all right so the plot thickens two months later I meet some rabbis um and uh I attended uh like a lost tribes meeting in English speaking and they asked me what are your family names I said I told them matani matani Matana my mother's family name which is Jew Jewish and my father's last name is shoshanani Shoshan and uh they said that your names are Hebrew in the second month I knew my nashama that my soul was Jewish I knew it nobody could tell me different and then I started to do Jewish things I was volunteering um but I was not elastically a Jew and and I was on this fight in my soul that if I'm already a Jew why should I do all this and I even went to see a guy in a lot a man from Pakistan because we're Indians as I was born in Jamaica but my family are actually from India and their ancestors were actually from Persia hence a Jewish connection right so so I met this man um he's an Oxford graduate and he uh he told me that he did a whole research paper that there's evidence where my parents are from in India that when they had to leave Persia that's when they banned the history is there but it's not like you can see the names yeah but that also happened we had uh the in the Israel Museum they had um a Babylonian um I can't think of the word a display whatever and we saw my mother's name there not lieutenant and then also this research researcher showed that there's a river according to Lost tribes called the mitani river and that's where lost tribes went that's a whole other can be kind of hard to understand this whole lot of Stripes thing because there are many different there are different opinions about it I think but this is my passage this is how I came through my the passage I came through so now what happens um and here in the country I'm babysitting um I feel like this is my home I get invited out My adoptive family who turned out to be my adopted family for conversion um but she invited me to Professor I kept going out every three months you know the whole routine go up every three months there was one time when I got a Visa for nine months because I of open and um and then by the first year now I decided to go audit conversion class it wasn't like Joseph's class but I actually met him uh as one of the the people as well but I was contemplating but because it wasn't English speaking at the time it was years ago so I went to a different School uh to convert but I went there check it out but then what happened also um when I went to the other school and they interviewed me they said well you do have a history here and I didn't know what to do with Jesus you see I didn't know what to do with him it took me five years before I came to know what I know before I converted I actually I've known that first this long but I would say I converted uh I started classes in 2004 and I converged it in 2005. and I came to the country in 1999. you see sometimes it can take a little while but when you know that you know that you know you can't stop okay so I did all this going and then I got that whole thing resolved because I had another aha moment I said he had to have been a man and when that happened and this is not cursing anybody else it's just saying that Revelation and was very strong to me and then here was what tipped it off it was Yama showa you know what yamasho is the Holocaust Memorial Day right around that time and I was volunteering in this organization and the siren went out and uh I had a moment where intuitivity it's like I just felt serious that if I it came inside my Essence and if I think I'm a Jew I have to come home all the way again I feel chills but I went home to my studio apartment and I did a Chupa and I told Hashem I'm so sorry that I didn't see you as one God and the next morning I was in the I was opening a file for conversion wow to the faithfulness of Hashem that no matter where you are whatever we are in our process of throwing and trying to rationalize where do I put this P this piece where do I put that piece we don't have to understand everything we're really glad to understand everything but when you get that conviction that this is really who I am it's a safe thing to trust because it's like you know that you know that you know I want to be identified as a Jew and if I were not identified as a Jew it would seem like I would cease to have a purpose because this is who I am it's coming it's the whole story about avrah mavino coming to who you are and this is the journey and of course it's Universal in a way but for us as Jews are people who are in the process of converting it's a journey it really is a journey and sometimes you have to be kind to yourself and and and and and when you see your mistakes or you feel like your thoughts are a little bit all over the place this is part of the journey you work it out it work gets worked out because Hashem do is exactly what you need and to tell him you know like like when I started the conversion so I said okay I had these books I put them all away gave them away wherever to another depart another part of a Jerusalem and uh and I I said to myself that I don't have to understand everything okay so my eyes were fixed on the goal and I really went like for the whole the whole thing like I was like this was it and don't even talk about the bureaucracy that I had or the problems the terrible problems because I kept going in and out in and out I was trying to get temporary before I decided what I was going to do right spiders is a long time to be in the country there was a certain point when I got a lawyer to help me out and we had evidence of possibly connections but uh with uh maybe I'm Jewish whatever it's not enough no way I thought well I I know that I am but I know that I am but then you have to get real sometimes and you realize that's the whole experience that you know to be a Jew is to be a Jew and there's a a lactic uh a procedure as well to be identified as a Jew but your your soul could feel like I feel like I'm a Jew that's great it's a wonderful thing that's part of the journey that's the most one of the most important parts and then you put legs to the journey to bring it down to real life on the ground and isn't that everything in our lives we can know something in our heads to get a piece of truth and you can run with it and it's nothing like when it becomes integrated into your vessel and you're walking the streets and you're being with friends or a Shabbos table or hug and then it's a woman all of a sudden here is all the Hakim in your face in our faces and it's like it's not just okay left it's not Christmas it's you know it's Rosh Hashanah it's it's uh it's so cold it's more a demon these are appointed times that Hashem has given us Shabbat all these things it's amazing what I don't want to derail from what I'm saying but it's amazing when uh you add some Consciousness to what you do not just not just in uh um again in Shabbat but in in everything to eating we're all growing we're all evolving you know it's it's conscious becoming more aware but sometimes it starts out you know so we like the candles I don't know why we lighten the candles and all of a sudden you understand where you light the candle you know you just you do a Mitzvah you do something I say I'm doing this because that's what I'm taught to do and it's the right thing to do and that's perfect because then all of a sudden it does open up and place opens up inside our headspace to accommodate the truth and the light of Hashem which we bring into the world you know and so back to where I was saying hey now so I'm in the I did the conversion right I got got through that I did have bureaucratic issues which involved me leaving here and going back to Jamaica for four months because I was Guided by them going or not to go back um there and if you would see my passport I was current for everything but this guidance I got I I'm to blame because I took the guidance and so and I was and I was in a different school and they still had me they were fighting for me they really believed in me but the the powers that be said you know know go for four months and come back exactly what I did I booked the tickets date the date four months and I went out and I'm telling you I was devastated I mean I remember being on Yahoo Street and I was crying and I said that what did I do this is real you know and all this you know it's a big big test but you know we had the gushka teeth expulsion I don't know if you heard about that where Jews were kicked out of a territory it was going on at the same time so much so that when I left the country and I went my mother was watching CNN news in in Jamaica I saw the thing on TV and I I sat emotionally I said I feel like I was identifying with them I felt kicked out of my own place because my I was sold on this I brought my half dollar stick my Candlestick whatever I didn't bring I brought and I remember somebody told me that you can get uh um hidush wine in a certain store that time they didn't have a lot of kosher stuff there now they have more stuff there's a bag there I remember going on a Friday morning and I went looking for something and there was nothing and I just walked out there sobbing and I cried and spoke to my teachers on the phone I would call them you know and and they said well this is really hard and so much so that when it came to my actual test you know when you do the test for you you pass through things they said you believe me you don't need a test the written test but I asked for it anyway I did it online and I didn't even need to but I did it so it comes my four months of being like a total misfit okay I still live I didn't touch any meat even though my teacher says you know listen you're a jit a Jew in training and do what you have to do okay you know you do you do what you have to do I couldn't do it I couldn't do it now you know the one thing I I didn't keep was the the I Always Turned the Lights On before um have gone up okay because technically we're not supposed to keep everything but I I was I had my uh seduer with me and I was reading that thing up like a storm and my family was very very accepting when I told him the whole story about uh possibilities of Jewish roots in their family and so I came back and um there was an organization here some quality team that helped me come back and what happened is that when I came through a borders at bengurion in the machine they said oh welcome home you're making Aliyah right that's what they told me at the borders and I thought wow it was smooth sailing I was out of that whole airport in three minutes it was hardly anybody on the flight or in the airport and um from there it was like red carpeting everywhere I had my appointment with uh Beijing and debate teen told me you should have never left you should never have to have left the country why do you want to be Jewish and it was like everything in me was wreaking this is who I am I just got in touch with it that's all you know so uh that part I had my adopted family I had some close friends at that time I took there were four or five of my closest people that came with me and of course you know the Shema is so overwhelming when you say it and uh I tell you that that that separation of having to leave the country was very painful for me but you know I also thought when I was in Jamaica uh the power of a choice that route you know the story of Ruth she made a choice and sometimes we don't even know that we really made a choice we made a choice and the choice is lined up with the essence of who we are now who's going to take that on Hashem has to come to your defense does it mean it's going to be easy sometimes it's not so easy but for sure he's trying to work into us um the character traits and a sense of faith and trust in him to bring us through the hard boom that we have and uh he hears us so I I did it I 2005 and I didn't have to wait long for the baiting when I came back North for the makeup and I was very very very happy and I felt in like I I took on the whole plight job I miss around like you know these are my people that's who I am and so that is um that is the essence of it and now I got married uh in 2009. so I'm married 14 years I married a rabbi his name is Aaron Poston some of you know him we know Damaris and we know beautiful Jane over there and a few of you yes so um uh so my life has changed a lot and uh he's a man that has already six children he had six children it was too late for me but anyways so he has six children and big children and some of them are married and we have an organization like Rabbi said yebone where a key Roop organization and we try to connect people to Torah learning and other Hesse projects in the community we also sometimes have people for well we always have kids Shabbat or Sudan Shahid or something and uh life is continuing to go on with challenges everywhere over time but there's also rest times you know when you get a breather and everything seems to be okay and um I'm very honored uh if I didn't accomplish much in my life to Hashem to have given me this opportunity to be identified as a Jew because I don't feel better than anybody else than any other religion or anything else that I know that uh the Jews haven't appointed Stephanie a purpose Hashem is given and and when you connect to it it's everything in the world and it's not better than it just is you know you can't stop it so this is part one I also have some chores to share but I'd like to give you an opportunity if there are any questions that you might often want to ask you don't have to but you're welcome to so if you can relate to this right yeah I can definitely relate my name is Jackie welcome I love to hear your story very interesting because I can most of the story I really choose what happened to me and um I love I love hearing it I love to know that um I'm not the only one which most of my life has said that I was the only one and not accepted so I love hearing the story and there for you and um you could continue talking from my past I'm listening thank you very much for being you hey thank you I have a friend from Canada matani and shoshanani okay the last name is you know about this whole concept that you know a lot of us well the Jewish people also had trauma and sometimes when you have these little traumatic things that happen in your life whether you're um you know your upbringing or whether the church or whatever it is whether it's financial crisis or whether Health incidences or whatever um somehow they can feel not nice and not good because that's how I felt to me but they're just like the healing this is how I should say it Judaism introducing my found healing I'm healing in Judaism because it wasn't in the sky it was on the ground you know I can say that yeah my head hurts I can be freelancing my hand hurts and I can hold a space that my hand hurts it doesn't hurt but you know being real on the ground and and we know that Hashem is with us and we have something together but I personally found healing in Judaism and when you've been rejected and rejected and you had different experiences um it's like uh Hashem you know Hashem knows that so in my state when I got this revelatory moment uh it was like it was at a time in my life when I was like God what is the truth here where are you and Hashem can't handle that yes he has to speak to her it's like the shofar the shofar is like the voice of the Soul you know when they when you go to pick knesset and they're going to blow that shofar you can blow with them you can actually have a a moment there and and blue you're really it's the inner cry of the Soul and it's an echo from eternity the shofar and um so but then other questions I I can move on to what I what I wanted to talk about um anybody else any questions it means okay so here's the ebony connection I told you about it means it shall be built okay it shall be built before I told you I was in Budapest yeah and the verse came Lord I want to build you a house yeah I told my husband about this vision and when we were after a couple years of marriage we wanted to start an organization he looked at me he says it shall be built it's a full circle that was kind of wild I was quite shocked by the name yeah but uh uh 2016 to now yeah yeah yeah it's it's it's taken on a very a spiritual kind of like community community connection yeah you know what key rule is like I have to bring you closer so we have a lot of people who are balichuva they were not born um religious yeah and they all of a sudden had their own revelatory moment and they want to come home or come home to Torah over the world yes and also give him like us people in the process of conversion with the same situation also so we we don't go singling that and we also have people who have been observant Jews from their birth yeah we're not making any kind of um you know agenda no no paper but what we do have we we notice the kind of people that come into our life and we always make a space for them you know if we can at the table or in meeting them one-on-one my husband also teaches classes but um so we are very community connected okay he teaches in the morning yeah yes but you know sometimes we started with Rabbi yossi sending somebody to us or to people to us over the years or sometimes we meet them and they're already here and it just uh Shaman works you know to bring things and put them all together yeah so and it's good to have when you have uh No Agenda accept the truth and we're all in that process and you just want the benefit and the good of other people then I think it is can only be a good thing yeah great so should we move on yeah sure how did you choose your name actually that's my name from birth I didn't have to change my name the rabbis told me I added something so I I called myself Bina root but be nice so actually maybe because you have me uh [Music] thank you ever but my brother and my sister also have Hebrew names so it's just a kind of wild I mean I feel like I feel like I've always been Jewish I remember when I was in the states I was in the states for America for 23 whatever how many years I was there it was like I I I didn't I had friends and stuff but I didn't feel home I I did something didn't feel right um I grew up in Jamaica and left when I was a teenager where my mom opened a business in the states you know my father had passed and so I feel like um this is home so much so that I can't bear to leave it's hard for me to leave and I've had to make a couple of trips when my mother was passing of course you're going to go for your mother because you're passing if you can and so you know your family and stuff like that but uh but this is a it's a real happening you feel you can feel the stones move under the ground not literally but it's like this place is always filled with intensity and action of course you've got major religions you know hanging down but uh uh if you continue in the path of just keeping your eyes focused straight on the goal um even with the ups and downs and and you have a safe space I'm sure in the school and I make myself available too I mean that I'm sure I'm losing with mine but you know there's always people to talk to for encouragement and we all need to be encouraged uh in the past um whether we are in the process of conversion or not you know or whether it's afterwards or Ben and dumb good okay so I I would like to share something that means a lot to me and uh the writing is from honey Hashem that's the author but he quotes a lot of uh the ultra rabbit you're familiar with little hussy dude I'll give you a definition a short definition of what hasidudas Institute is one of the central Paths of the mystical tradition of Judaism um that brings the teachings of Kabbalah into the daily life of the individual Jew it honors all the teachings of halaka and helps us understand and fulfill the mitzvot on a deeper level of practice and being um it speaks to the path of the heart with emphasis on kavana tavana is intention you know like when you make an intention I mean you don't even have to know this if you make an intention that um today when I go to class I'm going to give Focus you know if you make an intention for the diet like today I would like to do this when you bring that conscious part the Cabana of your mitzvot you know instead of just doing them some when you light candles what are you actually doing and you know you can ask questions to find out and if you don't get it still it's still a pain you know but component so it has to do it brings out um it appears to the path of the heart with emphasis on kavana the intention of heart and mind and the founder of acidic movement was the battleship in the 1700s so what I thought I'll talk about a little to do with aloe is in the entire month of Elo we say Psalm 27 twice again okay and uh but for the high holidays as well so the custom history cites chapter 27 of Psalms every morning and evening the eighth verse of the psalm contains one of life's deepest Secrets it reads as follows foreign on your behalf of hashem's behalf my heart says seek my face a strange verse it's saying on your behalf David Malik is thinking in Psalm 27 on your behalf it says on your behalf my heart says seek my face then Governor medic turns around and says your face oh Lord I will seek you see how strange it is okay this verse like all of the verses of the Psalms is poetic and somewhat cryptic written by King David the verse addresses Hashem he's addressing Hashem and informs him that there is a voice deep within us that speaks on his back and instructs us to seek my face there's a voice inside me deep that speaks on his behalf seek my face it's like a mirroring going on okay what is unclear however is whose face are we to seek does my face refer to God's space or to our own face if the voice is ours emanating from our heart and it urges us to seek my face then it seems to be our own face that is to be thought yet the second half of the verse says your face oh Lord I will seek whose face is it before we can answer this question you must understand what is this space that we are we are seeking can it be said that God has a base and if it is referring to our own face then why does it need to be sought when it is plainly visible all we need to do is to look in the mirror however the word panim base the name is space right it's closely related to the word pinimut which means inward England seeking the face inward so and refers not only to one's physical base but also to one's innermost essence while there would seem to be a great distance and difference between one's face and one so in fact the interior and the exterior of a person are ultimately supposed to be perfectly attuned in our mind that is why Hashem terms panim face and Pini mute inwardness derived from the same root P and M words pay noon mem it is only on account of the darkness of this world that they are alienated from one another and this is what the voice of our heart is telling us in the verse okay that our task is to find the paneer the face that we lost that face is obviously not the one that stares back at us in the mirror but rather our true face our deepest inwardness the face of our soul the first part of the verse thus declares on your behalf my heart tells me seek my own face my own self and my own soul from which I have become disconnected and lost but if so then why does the second half of the verse say that it is your face hashem's face God's face that we are to pursue in his work Tanya the authority reveals the profound esoteric secret hidden in the verse of Psalms within our innermost interior we will find not only our own soul but we will discover what constitutes that Soul Israel a spark of God that is in every soul of Israel and is to Netanyahu the foundation of our soul the altar Rabbi informs us is a portion of God that he has concealed within us I mean that's just a part of it but isn't that deep that we made in the image of Hashem that a spark of the Divine rest in us that we have an external space and we have an internal face that there is that inner side of us that we also need to nurture I mean when you're tired and all that you want to take a rest when you know it's like we need to learn Tor and all that but this is also a part of it we evolve as we go along in the process if we hold a space for the idea that you know that expression we work on ourselves sometimes when you have a struggle with somebody would you do you work on yourself you you only say yeah I'm having a hard time with uh a certain person maybe or whatever it is it's like this is the season here where coming up to Yom Kippur and and you know uh not to beat ourselves up but we have opportunities to bring Redemption into our lives to work on ourselves to see the beauty of the face of Hashem that's put inside each one of us because we all Rabbi was talking about this is this is to be like Oneness we all descended from that Oneness and I it's a thought that's brought down in Judaism that our souls descended to make a tikkun a repair we're making some repair in our life and it's not it's not a big bashing over you we're evolving hopefully becoming better people and of course we have ups and downs we all have them it's a shared Humanity it's not something to beat yourself up about okay so I'll continue so with this remarkable Insight that uh the ultra rabbit brings about that we have a portion of God that is concealed within us um so is a very tell the spark of God we can answer our question of whose face it is that the voice of our soul directs us to seek we are to seek our own inwardness which is the soul that is hidden deep within us and when we plant the deepest steps of our soul we will find not only our own face but ultimately the very face of God the first portion of King's David's birth and I seek my face and the second portion of the verse your face God I will see or thus not conflicting or confounding because they are faces of the same search and aspects of the same reality or essential self and God are not distinct or separate they are one kind of like uh I don't know if it's a graveyard's class but when he was saying that I was thinking oh okay you know so maybe not but uh we are we are essentially one the face of God is within you it is your own inwardness and your deepest self the customers to recite this chapter of Psalms twice a day through ello and the high holidays because the realization of our Godly core is precisely the work of teshuva return that we are supposed to be engaged in at this time Toshiba is not simply repentance for our past feelings and misdeeds true teshuva is return of peeling off all the layers of crust that have covered our core and returning to what we ultimately are pure godliness so I don't know this is just a part of it but I just was curious if you have any thoughts or what is this does this speak to you at all Havana yeah exactly and then I haven't been able to do it but last well I said I couldn't do it so I had the Corolla put my alarm for four so I can get up I've got a quarter past three and I was so alert [Music] it's probably a whole Global concept yeah in in different spoken in different ways yeah but because we're Jews the way Hashem brings down the Torah to us through our mid Sport and you know everything it's like it's Hashem is one and his name is one and if he's called us to be Jews there's a certain path that we are on and uh um maybe they would call it mindfulness yeah you know intention or something like that but our our books show all of this as well it's in Torah and it's not a new thing it's always been around do you have something to say no I mean like they have one topic for mindfulness but in all right if that's different season yes yeah you know the whole concept of integration again we we said like you can you can know something and you can give it over and and it's like you're possessing the land you're entering to the land and you're conquering it every place that you put your The Souls of your feet is yours this is the journey we go through the Journey and we conquer this and we conquer this and when you put your foot on the ground nobody could take it away it's yours and you know it you know you ever have an air in your life where you're just not there yet but you know I got this you know I I see this in my life and I don't like it and I'd like to change it but that's not all who I am I also have this I have this and I have that and that but I have this now can I hold a space for both of those things that I have can I hold a space for myself in my process on the days when it's really hard I can say yes it was a hard day but I know I've had good days or with relationships friends clashes or things seen out there or the news or family members from back home whatever can I actually look at it in with a straight pace and all the space for the discomfort and the disease in my in my life it's a big way uh um I'm also a narrative therapist but I mean but it's but everything all comes together it's all integrated but the the kindness you show yourself and you know we would say we would say in the prayers Hashem Hashem you heard that word is the the womb that the place of the baby is held Hashem has this quality trait was and that means he's going to carry us like a baby full term all the way till the end of him that's where it's from he's also is the gracious and uh it's a very beautiful uh beautiful thing and uh you know that came from the Torah with uh with Hashem wanting to uh see the Gloria of God you can't see my case you'll see my back and he quotes the whole thing yes and it's it's very beautiful so um while you're while you're also going through your things give a space for yourself I mean to to hold yourself in kindness because uh for the days when it seems like you know challenges are there or these bureaucratic problems or whatever uh being kind to yourself helps a lot so there's more I have to say if you want to hear is an expression called the king is in the field have you heard that yes [Music] it's a very short thing and then if you have space and capacity I have something more on more I wanted to share but let's go all right the Hasidic expression the king is in the field is often used when describing the month of Elo a month of repentance and mercy in which there is extra closeness between God and His creations what is the meaning of this imagery of a king in the field and what is its significance this idea was originally expressed a rabbi which are known as the ultra the founding spiritual leader of habad zubovic who explained the reason for this special closeness during the month of ello it is comparable to a King who returns to the city and when he passes through the fields on his way to the Palace anyone who wishes they get close and greet him as he passes through the fields this is important because once he's in his Palace entry is only possible to those with special permission so too during the month of Elo all go out into the field to greet the king as he passes through on the one hand Ella has an apparent Advantage it's a month of great concern and trepidation which even the fish of the sea tremble in anticipation of the coming days of all but these feelings of apprehension can be transformed into an advantage opportunity when El is perceived as a month in which great closeness between God and His creation prevails the concept of the king is in the field makes it possible for us to approach him and become closer to him and we all know that love conquers all transgression that's in Proverbs when the king sits aloof on his throne similar to a human King in his Palace one has limited access only and anyone wishing to approach must pass through various states that undergo numerous checks in order to be allowed entry the theme that runs through the month of el is that a disadvantaged time may be transformed into an opportunity if only we are able to understand that the situation is a starting point from which we can move forward the ability to understand the secret embedded in that which is flawed and imperfect as a potential source of Advantage enables one to accept human life as it comes with all its fluctuations and constant changes with a firm belief that God is infinite and omnipresent even in what seems to be lacking and disadvantage in that sense God is indeed in the field finally on this pH rebe nachman of brexler wrote that it is best to turn all thoughts and philosophies into prayers in that Spirit God please let me know how to transform the disadvantages and Imperfections of my life into advantages and opportunities and a gate through which I can pass to become closer to you that's nice isn't it [Music] this is the season we're in now you know and uh these times that Hashem has given us and we take the energy that was flowing them when it was way back the energy is here and we pick up on that energy and God conscious I'll share two experiences with you um sharing them in humility um what happened to me in Rosh Hashanah at two different times and uh [Music] um again in humility I asked Hashem and I'd still do every hug every holiday what is this holiday for me what is it for me I don't want to get in a rat race and just do all the cooking and do all the stuff and whatever it is without catching what is it for me and I remember my first Rosh Hashanah as officially a Jew and uh you know the shofar is sounded a hundred times on the last the Takia the eyes were closed and I I kid you not I just felt the tears I felt as if my soul was transported to harshini it was uh I didn't see anything but it was like very very powerful and and I told you that before that I I don't know a lot of head stuff from my whole journey here was without head it was just like you know this spoke to me and that spoke to me in my intuition you know but then that that he asked me any questions what was that yeah they actually asked me what do I want to be tested on and I said tequila because that's the first thing I learned because I needed it to feel that I wasn't trying to make the grade that became a part of my life and yeah I did answer all the questions and even if I would have gotten some wrong it would have been okay I got it turned out I got them right yeah they had a lot of rakamim mercy on me because of what I had gone through you know when I told her my story so yeah so I was gonna I'm saying this story about the shofar for um addressing the Consciousness that you could be in maybe if you're aware it doesn't mean you you agreed to have an experience or you or you must have an experience because not everybody does but but if you simply ask Hashem to speak to you at these times in your own little part of your journey and the whole mockster that what we Dove and the prayers are so beautiful and Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur in general all the prayer books are fantastic but that was one time and then there was another time so what that did for me was that I I felt like I heard the shofar like I was at rc9 and you all were we all were there see itself and then another time it happened where um it was being blown and I blew but not physically I consciously like and I felt when I blew back to me like there was a flow back to me into me without having the chauffeur in my hand but I'm saying that that the experiences that one can have although we don't live for experiences alone but I'm saying with pure hearts and hearts that really want to know I'm talking about the whole world when you're when you search for certain things Hashem has a way to speak to you and it may not be that way you may hear the shofar of your Sparty neighbor blowing it and all of a sudden it ignites something inside of you it's not it's not just to make it like it's just mystically magical it's something that was passed down to us and there's a reason as Yom Kippur is Hashem chose that day a point today to wipe the Slate out you know and as Sukkot is it's a message from eternity and Echo from eternity that continues is not to be uh just sentimental sentimentally attached to tradition behind the tradition is the power a power of a god that is one and whole who has extended himself in our humanity and uh his name is one he's he's alone you know so uh that was just something a plug in for kavana and intention without any pressure on your on your soul to be or whatever okay I don't know um I was told I had to 7 30 but I I just want to ask if I can go a little more if you guys yeah yeah okay so there's one other thing for all of you is this your first Russian Santa no no no no for you anybody else first person okay I'm sorry you didn't think about yourself [Music] uh Scouts and he put so much hating in place good laughing within three and they hit you come on and film a lot to the living and he could not not go but he was the head of charismatically I mean broke down and provide applied all that was just relaxing wow he said it was real in the middle of Messianic but there was one of the people that were Jews right frustration okay all right so then I was debating about which one but this is this is called this speaks very deeply to me I don't know I hope it would speak something to you but um it's connecting back with the The Panini face in face okay so in the parasha Heathrow um it's a whole description here of events um Moses states that God spoke to the people face to face right um face to face God spoke to you at the mountain that's in Deuteronomy by four now we see in other parts of the Torah it's in in the it says face to face this is this is space interface which is different than penis okay so it's difficult to understand what this could mean first we know that God does not have physical attributes secondly God informed Moses that man shall not see me and live in the book of uh Exodus 33 if so how could it be that he spoke to the entire nation face to face and they survived the Hebrew word panimbapanim does not really mean face to face as commonly translated that would be the literal translation of panim Alpine the Hebrew word El means to what the Hebrew word be means in you got that right okay the expression therefore literally means face in face okay and the full verse will thus be translated face in face God spoke to you at the mountain this is very odd particularly because there are other verses in the Torah where the expression face to face is used and in those cases the proper expression is employed for example and God will speak to Moses face to face Exodus 33 but this account that is coming down now is giving it an epiphany when the Torah makes no mistake okay now our our people into has to do it run with these things and it's beautiful there's 70 faces of the Tories speak such beauty in the way that different people share and it's all one big picture it's not one right uh one wrong but there's a whole beautiful picture here okay so why in Moses description of the interaction at Mount Sinai does it use the unusual expression and what could it mean that God spoke to us facing base to reinforce our question further in the chapter previous to the one from which this verse is taken what she warns the nation against the worship of idolatry by stating but you shall greatly beware for your souls but you did not see any likeness on the day Hashem spoke to you at Sinai Deuteronomy 4 15. here it becomes obvious that we did not speak to God face to face as the English translation implies rather the expression face in face denotes an experience of something at the giving of the Torah which has nothing to do with any physical or visual phenomena the Hebrew word for face panim is closely closely related to Penny mute Inner Essence and can therefore refer to an experience of one's deepest interior as opposed to one's most surface features as such what Moses described by utilizing the praise face and face rather than face to face is a mingling of the faces an infusion of one Inner Essence into another the giving of the Torah we come to understand was not simply the transmission of a book of laws and narratives only while the Ten Commandments in the biblical texts that Moshe brought down from Mount Sinai contained a Divine wisdom that would represent revolutionize the world there was something even more profound that was conveyed at that moment many have missed the Nuance of the language of the verse that we have been discussing with acidic Masters teach that a careful reading of the Hebrew text renders a secret that Moses is alluding to completely apparent S at the mountain God infused his face this quintessence into our face our innermost core can you hold that you like that so yeah it's it's very it sounds like it's very deep stuff but these kind of things I don't know for you but it attaches me to like an anchor that I have somebody who's rooting for me and we'll put his image in me and even though I'm not happy with myself sometimes that's not the starting point the starting point is that I have a creator that loves me and he loves all of us and he's rooting for us and these experiences that we're all having are just opportunities for us to grow and to become more what he wants for us so that face in face will be seen in us and that light we can also give into the world you know that expression is sometimes the broken places of your life these are the Avenues that the night can come through to shine you know and uh so um if you have questions I'll take them otherwise I think um there's more I can say but I want to give you an opportunity if you want to say something or you have uh things to comment on or your thoughts for um so I think it may be connected with this I mean and this I mean because inside um yes [Music] for anybody uh who really uh decided to convert it's a given because to come from all these different countries that we come from myself included to arrive here and to find a path that we want to pursue it's not an excellent it can't be an accident and uh um it's um it's just a very special thing and it's it's just to change your whole life track believe where you came from your whole uh situation and start over it's not really starting over it you really you're continuing the journey and your journey evolved and this is where Hashem brought you and you resonate with it this is the important thing um but we have a wonderful again in front of us and we hopefully it would be really meaningful for all of you that you may connect with it and um yeah so can I ask you questions like like how long have some of you been here for are you new to the program yesterday yeah so then all of you probably you're you're in your past where are you from and you ladies were you from and um from England um [Music] hello a lady he was Jewish and her name is rude yeah I had 12 children they're all black she's a boy so she so I looking for the lines of the whole story is really interesting and he and son is roses because that is my mom's name there's still one more thing if you want to hear something about the show far yeah yeah great okay lift off something that I thought would be good it's under the topic the voice of the Soul in a simple sense the blowing of the shofar is understood as an announcement of the king's coronation or arrival on a deeper level as we have seen the Chopra is not only a Herald but also the very mechanism through which the coronation is accomplished the bathroom talk tells the story of a king it's another story who sends his son out from the palace on a journey into the world to learn of its ways and to expand his appreciation of the Kingdom the prince sets off accompanied by servants and supplied with much binary and wealth from the king's Storehouse so that he would lack nothing on his travels and would be able to maintain his high standard of living along the way but as he goes the prince is captivated by all the enticements that the world has to offer he he over indulges his desires and squanders his riches in order to satisfy his ever-growing appetites time passes and eventually the prince finds himself far away from the land of his father a place where the king's name is not known he says there's there he stays there so long that he eventually forgets his native language he sells his servants and pricely possessions to sustain and entertain himself and finally he finds himself destiny alone and Far From Home at this point he remembers his father and the palace where he was raised and he sets out to return there it is a long and arduous Journey but finally arrives at the palace Gates the guards there don't recognize him because he has long ago traded away his fine clothes and appears now in pauper's rags though he explains to them that he is the prince the son of the king they understand nothing he is unable to gain entry and pining for his father's warm embrace the prince sinks to the ground and lets out this loud SOB from the depths of his heart deep inside the palace the king hears the sound and immediately recognizes it as a voice of his son he hurries to the gates and throws them open he brings the prince into his innermost Chambers and their Embraces his long-lost child this the balchem top teaches is a story of each of us at Rosh Hashanah the king is God the prince represents every one of God's children and the SOB through which the king recognizes and Embraces his child is the call of the shofard there are no words that can gain us access to the balance there's nothing we can say or do that will convince the guards to readmit us after we have wandered so far we squandered all our precious garments and possessions and require and relinquish all signs of our Royal lineage the only thing that will reunite us with the with the king is his complete and unconditional love for us and all we need to do to elicit that love is to let him know that we have returned and we are here the king in the bald Shem told allegory does not chastise his child for having gone astray he does not berate him for his indiscretion and irresponsibility he does not shame him for having wasted his time or for losing his fortune this is my beloved child he exalts and he immediately welcomes them and rejoices in his return as for the prince there are no words to describe no logic or eloquence he offers no excuses or explanations he makes no promises or resolutions he simply Cries Out broken and broken open it is this simple formless artless sound that tears through all the barriers and reunites the father and child isn't that a good piece yeah okay um a short bit and then I think I'll be finished the shofar is the mouthpiece that gives the soul a voice it and allows it to cry out for all to hear the sound of the shofar is the intonation of penne Hashem the face of a shame that is buried deep within us we place the Ram's Horn to our lips to allow our Penny mute our inner self to be heard the Tanya teaches quoting the Zohar he who blows blows from within him that is to say from his inwardness and his innermost being ordinarily when we blow through our lips there is little sound when the shofar is at our lips this innermost breath reverberates and blares the shofar is the megaphone that enables us to clearly hear the voice of the penne Hashem that is constantly Whispering from inside of us once a year we provide it this Mystic amplifier and allow it to declare here I am deep inside you you've been looking elsewhere outside and around you when I'm right here where I've always been animating you whispering to you waiting for you for Susana is the day that God initially placed a piece of himself into a physical body on that first day in the Garden of Eden Adam and Eve knew precisely what they were their skin was translucent and they could plainly see the name Hashem the face of God in their innermost core on that same day they ate the fruit and their Ultimate Reality was concealed from them but every year on that occasion their descendants are reminded the soul calls out to us through the shofar and we remember what we are and why we are here as we mentioned previously Rosh Hashanah is also known by the names Yoma zikaron the day of remembrance and yamadine the day of judgment many understand this to indicate that it's their actions and conduct through the past year which are remembered by the Heavenly court on this day so that we can be evaluated and judged in order to determine our verdict for the year ahead but on a deeper level it is we ourselves who are made to remember on this day of remembrance what is remembered is not our failings and our superficial gesticulations in The Realm of Darkness in concealment rather we are given the opportunity to remember our true essence and our universe nature which has been hidden from us all this time as for the day of judgment the altar rabbit teaches that the judgment on this day is not simply who will live and who will die who will be rich will be poor who will have peace and who will suffer the deeper and more essential judgment on the day according to the alter rebe is the extent to which one will be granted the ability to see God within him or her and within the world and the coming year it's again integration of everything um it's it's like we we are scared of our own Shadows sometimes at our own failures and the failure is what stops us from going forward we get trapped in that um and Hashem tells us through the prophet it's not your it's not it he hasn't given us the back it it's our iniquities our things have turned us we can't bear it and we turn away but Hashem is constant and steady and there's nothing like clean honesty between man and God and say Hashem this is really hard for me and I know I've been hoofing up and not doing as well in this area of my life but you know me and you've chosen this day and I ask you to to really give me that cleanse inside of me and to help me to refine and be better in this area and even if you know it brings down that you you can fall seven times but the righteous man gets up sometimes you have to be like I said be kind to yourself and Hashem is and with lots of Grace for us and forgiveness and also cleanses us so my uh my thought for you um ladies that I'm very honored just to be able to to be a part of your class and to share something with you and uh um May Hashem give you a very special Direction protection Clarity and may things get integrated for you and um do you know that you're not alone in the process and that you have a good school here and um I'm also happy to be a part of anything that if you girls ever want to connect girls or ladies won't ever connect I already connect with a few of you just to meet up or to come to us for Shabbos giving you an open invitation we just have to coordinate it and Rabbi yossi has my contact number and Brock as well so um on that note I wish you Shana Tova and it should be good things for all of us [Music] foreign