Sustaining Resilient Relationships with your Adult Children, Rabbi Manis Friedman # 154

hi everybody Welcome to tonight's program thank you for joining us from all over the world we appreciate it um tonight is a very special share tonight to share 154 with Coach berenfeld again we'd like to start off every week thanking all the sponsors and people that tell people about the program especially our viewers they post it on the WhatsApp statuses and they let people know about it they email it up and um that's it's a secret savarium we're doing this close to four years we're almost on our fourth year anniversary it's coming up soon and um again thank you for everybody for posting like I said every week not every program might be for you specifically but there's a lot of people that it is for it so post it let people know about it you never know if you're helping somebody by doing that if anybody wants to join our what's up chats you could WhatsApp me at 848-525-0066 save my number and every Sunday I'll send you the flyer the speaker that week and all the information but you can go to monachwell.com and sign up for his weekly email floralist and the replay list and all the information that's going on behind the scenes with Coach all the people that are watching this on YouTube the replay you can click on the Subscribe button to subscribe to questions and also uh click on the like button so more people get to views and the program keeps on growing more and more like this first I don't think all the advertising sponsors first of all equals computer on Lakewood alien Ariel from Five Town Central and Kyla Calvin from jcn for promoting us on all the Jewish digital platforms or anybody who's here the first time first of all I don't know where you've been this program has been already four years so thank you for joining first of all but uh every Sunday night we have this beautiful program matchup next week August 20th the 7th it's gonna be an amazing share from review Schwartz it's very actually close Caruso a neighbor and zarov or Sherman Russell he's from kebab and Eric is the topic that he decided you spoke with him today what's the topic he's going to be talking about we'll have to find out at the end so we're gonna keep it a surprise so it should be powerful meaningful let everybody know join be part of it um and tonight we have this and honor of having world famous Romanus Friedman who's been on the share many many times we actually had a big show with him on anxiety which was our biggest share that we had with your bonus it was people all over the world keep on asking for that share so we got to do another mental health topic and really cover that um another important topic a lot of a lot of parents a lot of people relationships and hopefully we'll be able to uh really get into it tonight shares 154 I'm gonna pass it over to coach is traveling he's not with us what does 154 have to do with tonight's share so um first of all we miss our knife um 154 Kona 154. Connor and English as a reads and um to see how we can shape our relationships in a way in a healthy way so it doesn't become hard and stiff and then it's much harder to to fix the relationship so basically when the kids are younger when they're still young that's the time to create that relationship So eventually when they get older you have it the mid session okay so of course we're not going to go back to you hermanus what's the topic what are we talking about what's the outline why we all gathered here tonight beautiful so welcome everyone to another let's careers 154. we're here happy to be here and a lot of information especially coming off last week's topic which wasn't an easy one and the question that came in the real real questions and hopefully everyone can have a support group you know where we try to get some people to get together over here as much as possible to get the support they need but eventually coming Sunday night is not enough you know to have the right place the right people to talk to that can help them especially last week's topic and tonight's topic is also not an easy one talking about relationships whether kids are younger or when they get older many people are struggling and there's a lot of levels but people are really having a hard time there are people who are very painful some do talk don't talk once in a while they don't have a relationship they would love to have a better relationship it always when it comes to these tactics not easy and uh hopefully rubber Freedom will be able to clarify some things which I feel always when you come on to make things clear what are we looking for but before we start I I think personally it's a good time before Rosh Hashanah discussing relationships I think it works in general whether it's a relationship with yourself with your parents with your kids and it takes us to relationship with Hashem when we're very young the you know who do we have we have the adults in our life our parents and whatever they say we pick up whatever they say we believe and uh talking about Hashem you know for younger kids hard the concepts so sometimes we the way we look at our appearance it's pretty similar that we look at Hashem that way and when things don't work it doesn't work out the right way and um which many times happens it could get messed up a little bit our relationship with Hashem especially now when it comes to connecting ello connecting to ourselves seeing where we are with our relationship with Hashem it could get a little bit um well we can get a little bit stuck many people can get stuck so again everybody has their things you know before we get married we come from somewhere we have a family and the relationship we have them then we get married hoping that we're gonna do the right way and then many come with their baggage to marriage and it's not that we should wait until we figure everything out and then get married we do get married young and we many of us have things to work out and we work it out after marriage and then we become aware of certain mistakes maybe things that we should do different and then we have those who have beautiful families is amazing and then we have one child that just doesn't click and then we're not sure how what are we supposed to do and we had different programs on that but again it's we're human we're trying our best and our parents tried their best and many times the kids become aware become aware of what we picked up our beliefs about ourselves beliefs on on relationships in general in relationship with Hashem and we start questioning and many times questioning takes us on a journey it takes us on a journey and while we're on that Journey it's not always that nice you know sometimes to heal while we're healing it's hard for both sides or the relationship so here we are tonight's having discussion the topic hopefully we'll be able to clarify a little bit of what we're looking for what we could do to make things a little bit lighter a little bit easier and I want to welcome you Robbie Madness Friedman to being with us again and it's a source and amidst Hashem we should be able to take one question at a time one person at a time and help us on our healing Journey let's get into the overview can I share so again the topic of this year is nurturing Eternal bonds unveiling the art of sustaining relate resilient relationships especially as they become adult children through effective communication emotional connections that's the topic but we're going to talk about in general relationships connections dealing with people it's a very broad topic and the next time tonight asked us to do this exercise this week is alsolete and also I'm gonna do this because my father is the bio and then he's going to open it up for dialum and we have a lot of questions and uh really have Ryan and Grill them so that's why he's here okay Urbana Freeman world-renowned I'm going to read your bio okay right Romanus you don't have to uh the only one I like to is that okay if you like it okay Urbana Friedman not every not everybody I mean most people know you but just in case somebody doesn't know you world-renowned author counselor lecturer of philosopher Romanus uses ancient wisdom and modern wit as he captivates audience around the country in the world is widely recognized throughout his approach to almost every every major issue that plagues Society from self-awareness virtuality mysticism parenting marriage evidence of his regard is displayed through thousands of students fans individual deeply respect his wisdom when he takes the podium or Friedman enthusiasts each and listener with a sense of purpose in the fine direction of impairment every Freeman has written five books with more ways and has been featured on CNN PBS BBC a e and tedx and of course more importantly Coachman awesome and his claim to fame as being YouTube's most famous Rabbi with over 300 000 followers listening to his daily content and whatever Freeman was also on the front page of uh I think was Ahmed Magazine with his brother this week so uh we got you at the right time so uh River Freeman's supposed to have you open it up to the floor give us a little opening and then we're gonna get into the questions okay well the opening is a very very um a very challenging and very heavy subject that affects almost everybody and in every way and life itself but here's the fundamental question before we move on to anything else we have to ask ourselves how is this legitimate for example they're in the Garden of Eden and gun Eden and Hashem says to them because you can eat from all the trees of the garden why was that necessary the main thing they wish they wanted to say is that the eight sadas you shouldn't eat but why did he have to say that from all the other trees you may eat if if he hadn't said it if Hashem had not said you can eat from all the trees what would other milhava have done when they got hungry now the human assumption is well they would eat they're hungry there's fruit they would eat but that's not correct they would not eat they wouldn't eat because it's not their fruit it's not their tree so to say that they would help themselves to somebody else's fruit because they were hungry they would never do that never so what would they do die of hunger in other words they did not put their own Survival in their own lives above the the right and wrong of whose trees are they this idea that because except for the three biggies the idea that because it's not correct to say well of course you have to save a life of course you should eat on Yom Kippur you have to save a life it's not so simple it's that is not is that's as mysterious as as the hukim you can't start off by saying there are rules of right and wrong and Hashem has to play by those rules the world was created out of nothing there were no rules there is no right there's no wrong there's no up there's no down there's no holy and there's no Unholy until Hashem invents it what he doesn't like is not holy and what he does like is Holy not the other way around it's not that he likes what is Holy his liking it makes it holy and his dislike or distaste makes it Unholy so we can't we can't create a moral code and then be surprised that Hashem doesn't follow our moral code so here's here's the the question that is relevant to our conversation how many times a day do we Daven three times a day three times a day you are asking Hashem for what you need how do we justify this how is this Justified you bother the three times a day because you need paranosan how does that make any sense so unless Hashem says if you're in pain if you're anxious if you're worried talk to me unless he asks that we do that we would never have the husband to think if I need something I can knock on his door any time of the day why because I needed we hesitate sometimes to call a doctoral middle of the night I'd wake a guy up never what because I'm worried because I have a stomachache okay so we know that to ask for your needs like primarily uh refua and parnasa were allowed and not only allowed but the abrush that wants us to ask him foreign but now let's talk about emotional needs can we put our emotional needs before the mitzvahs you want to live you want to be happy you want to have nachas from your children are we justified in pursuing those things demanding them from Hashem you gotta you gotta think about that where do I fit into the picture how do I justify my clutching my complaining my my unhappiness with how things are going so again we assume like the default position is if you're upset complain if you're hurting scream it's it's not you know we had this experience we were sitting in a big class we were studying something talking about something and then suddenly one of the women started to cry she had a problem that ensure people are not nice to her and she was crying bitter tears of course everybody was sympathetic but one woman said to her this is not the place this is not the time this is a room full of people they came here to learn they came here to discuss why do you think they all have to listen to your heartache and that started a big debate in the you know you got to be more sympathetic and but but there is a debate there are two sides to the story so what what justifies our what gives us the right to be miserable we would have to have permission for this just like of Adam and Hava had to have permission to eat from a dream or if you're going to build yourself a house because you need a shelter so you chop down a bunch of trees and build yourself a log cabin whose trees are you chopping down you're cold and you want to put some fire in the in the in the fireplace whose wood are you burning it's not so simple there's a joke about uh an atheist who says we used to need you when we were primitive but now that we're sophisticated and we have technology we don't need you anymore because we can do whatever you do so Hashem says you can make a man out of dust okay it says yes we have the technology Hashem says go ahead let me see starts Gathering up some dust and Hashem says to him no no no no not my dust you have the technology to turn dust into a human being but you can't create dust so whose dust are you using whose wood are you burning whose fruits are you eating so here's a beautiful idea there's a bracha we make every morning like almost first thing in the morning means he unties those who are tied bound referring to a person who is asleep who can't move and when he wakes up his bonds are are opened and he can move again so God unties those who are bound red needs a little more explanation because a person who's sleeping is not bound he doesn't want to move he wants to sleep peacefully so a deeper thought on the bracha is the first thing in the morning that we have to recognize is that the abish that permits what is forbidden what's forbidden everything because nothing in this world is ours so what do you mean you take wood and you burn it you pick a fruit and you eat it but the average there was Martin tells us you can enjoy the world you can use whatever you need he is matter things that really should be forbidden because they're not ours so before we do anything we have to ask ourselves where do we get where do we get the right the permission if we could teach this to our children the children would have such a more pleasant life and would be healthier children who feel entitled are not healthy they're certainly not happy so the Torah says raise a child according to his style according to his understanding according to his weight so that even when he grows old those teachings will stay with him he won't lose it the question is what teaching do you give a child that you don't want him to outgrow what is it you teach a child according to a child's understanding and you want it to last into old age so there's a difference between things that are childish and things that are childlike childish you want to outgrow quickly child like is beautiful and you should never lose it like for example optimism excitement in life the enjoyment of life you don't want to ever lose that so there are two there are people who are adults and they're they're their their life is enviable they have this childlike innocence this childlike enthusiasm for life it's wonderful it's beautiful no one should lose that childlike not childish so what is it that we can teach a child that will last a lifetime and we're not talking about how to washer that's not I'll be Darkly it has nothing to do with a child an adult is the same leg of us there is something about a child that he needs to hear that will last a lifetime what he needs to hear is it's not about you you're a child it's not about you your parents are good to you ablestead is good to you the community is good to you maybe not always maybe not exactly the way you want but your life is made up of everybody else more than it is you it's not about you because as an infant there is the impression that it is about me look at this everybody runs around me everybody is smiling to me everybody wants to feed me everybody wants to hold me it seems like my existence my life is all about me even the people around me are there for me so the first thing you do when you're the child the beginnings of all is no it's not about you so if you were all dumb in the in Ghanaian you would not eat from the tree because it's not about you it's about the balabas of ganaden the owner of the tree if we could at least partially implant that in our own mind in our own heart and certainly in our children's mind and heart that would last a lifetime and not just one lifetime but that would be passed on to the grandchildren and to the great-grandchildren that's that's godliness godliness means I didn't create the world so it's not about me it's about what I can offer and what I could contribute so you know that famous quote if you raise your children properly then you can spoil your grandchildren but if you Ray if you spoil your children you're going to have to raise your grandchildren and you're too old for that if you raise your children they will pass on what you taught them to their children and you can sit back and pamper the kids spoil them the grandkids but if you spoil your children and you don't teach them that it's not about you then they're not going to have what to raise their children with and you're gonna have to raise them so why wait until you have grandchildren give it to your children they'll give it to the grandchildren and you'll be able to enjoy being a baby in a zedi and you can spoil your grandchildren foreign are grown up they need respect you can't start raising them after they're grown up whatever you taught them whatever you gave them when they were children those are the seeds you planted trust them if they were good seeds they will produce the proper fruit of flour even if you don't see it yet you have to be confident that the seeds are good they're healthy they're the right seeds they will produce the right results stop raising your children once they're adults now they need your approval and your admiration that will make their life more livable or livable if you keep trying to raise them it creates a lot of tension it means that you're not pleased with them that you don't like how they turned out because you're still trying to change them and that's a that's a negative bad message once they hit 20 or some say 18 you stop raising them and you stop start praising them approve of how they turned out for whatever it is you can find approval for we saw a guy eating on Tish above and he said oh did you forget it's Tish above he says no he says did you forget that you're not allowed to eat until this is not I didn't forget he says did a doctor tell you that you have to eat on tushable this is no I'm perfectly healthy so he turns to the Iber State and he says abrush that your children are so wonderful even caught red-handed they don't lie you you find something to admire in your children whatever it is and you never get over it that's how you treat an adult child if you really want to score big ask your adult child for advice that's a home run you make them feel like a real Mensch doesn't mean you have to listen to their advice you never have to listen to anybody's advice it's not a commandment but asking for advice taking into consideration their opinion or their View very very positive very good thing to do now on that note there is something about today's children never before never before were children so intelligent so independent with such mature opinions on every subject in the world so at what age should we start talking to children as if they were adults nine ten for sure it doesn't mean you give them Authority it means you speak to them like adults you don't baby them you don't talk down to them remember one of my kids growing up you know they listened to all the the children's records with stories read by different people with one record one of my kids turned around and said why does he talk like a baby the guy who made the record when was speaking child language and then and the kids were you why don't you talk like a baby children are very smart these days it can be scary one more one more naha story I'm driving one of my granddaughters she's seven years old she's in the back seat we're driving in her hometown and she says I want a Slurpee I said great we'll stop and we'll get you a Slurpee she says mommy doesn't let I said I am mommy is Tati and I am your grandfather and my job is to spoil you so we're going to stop and get you a Slurpee the seven-year-old in the back seat says just because you want something doesn't mean you have to have it I was like okay okay maybe you want to drive you're more mature than me kids today are absolutely amazing you can't talk down to them you can't so even at a young age of seven and eight you have to take their questions seriously you have to answer like a mensch by the age of nine and ten you got to speak to them like adults don't dismiss them don't ignore them he wouldn't do that with an adult foreign so it became very clear talking to parents with today's children if you say to a child sit quietly and don't make trouble be a good boy today's children are way too I don't know what the word they're not mature but they're they're precocious you say to a child sit quietly and don't make trouble be a good boy and the child thinks that's a good boy sit quietly and don't make trouble as a good boy it's a good dog a dog that sits quietly and doesn't make trouble as a good dog what makes that a good boy they want to be challenged they want to feel useful at a very young age so if you want to have a good relationship with your children treat them age appropriately don't baby them when they're old enough to stop and don't try to raise them when they're already grown up what is the message what does it mean to raise children to raise a child means to liberate them from their addiction to themselves you know we do it all the time unconsciously when you say to a child it's time to go to sleep child says I don't want to and you say but it's late it's bedtime what did you just say the child says I don't want to and your answer is it's time you're you're conveying a very important message whether you want to or you don't want to when it's time it's time your child wants to take a toy home from his friend's house and you say no it's not your toy the child says but I want it and you say yes but it's not your toy what are you saying it's not about you it's not about you it's about right and wrong whose toy is it you want to that doesn't decide that doesn't determine who did who the toy belongs to and who gets to take it home so in in so many different ways raising a child means it's not all about you in the secular World in modern psychology you're given the opposite message everything is about you do you want to eat now do you want to eat this you want to eat it now you want to eat it here you want to eat it with a fork you want to eat it with a spoon one time in my life as a teenager I made this mistake and I never made it again I came home from Yeshiva and I asked my mother who was a very wise woman I asked my mother what's for supper I never asked again I asked my mother what's for supper my mother said food if you want to eat it you can if you don't want to no there's food available oh but is it my kind of food is it the way I like it is it on the plate that I want no it's not about you it's about food we don't do our children any any good or any service I constantly catering to needs they don't even feel like they have where do you have to create needs or do you want catch up with that why do you have to ask that if a child wants ketchup he'll get up and get ketchup don't make a big deal about it so what is the message that raises a child the message that it's not about you what is Rosh Hashanah very simple during the year I may have gotten a little distracted and I may have gotten a little caught up in my things and my Affairs and in my needs and I started to act like it's about me comes Rosh Hashanah and we become keenly aware it's not about me that about me today Hashem will decide who will succeed and who will not who will live and who will not who will prosper and who will suffer not about me the theme of Rosh Hashanah is this is your creation this is your world this is your plan I'm I'm here to to to partner with you not to dictate to you not to make demands of you so what are we doing a whole day Russia doesn't it sound like give me give me give me because on over and over and over it sounds really greedy and Petty that's not Rosh Hashanah so I got to share with you this incredible incident one of the famous Sid them in Russia who survived communism who defied communism one of these Heroes bigger than life he finally managed to escape and he came to England and from England he came fetishly to the level in Brooklyn he walked into the basement we were sitting and learning hewa he Waddles over and he sits down on the bench with us and he says let's see what are you learning what are you discussing and he took a look at the text and he saw the words so he says like on Yom Kippur how do you make because we weren't going to answer he says you think about all the sins you committed in last initially and then you think about all the sins you committed then you remind yourself of all the sins you committed in Kiss Live and you go through the whole year like that and ask forgiveness for all of those sins and we said yeah he said on the holiest day of the year you sit and think about your sins you're thinking sins a whole day even the sins you forgot you dredge them up this is how you become cleansed we wish we were stunned wow just pull the rug out right from under us he says let me let me tell you husband that fish is like this first you think about everything that Hashem did for you in tishly then you think about everything Hashem did for you then you think about everything Hashem did for you in Kiss leave and you go through the whole year and then by niela you ask yourself and what did I do for him that's true if we if we focus on our faults if we focus on the ugliness how is how are we going to get any nicer if we focus on our own needs how are we going to grow up now of course you don't dismiss people's pain you don't dismiss their opinion you don't dismiss their needs emotional needs physical needs but to live for those needs even I Yom Kippur you're going to talk about your own needs so when is there going to be a holy day what day of the year do you not focus on yourself never that's not a good So speaking about relationships with family members out of Rosh Hashanah or an El very appropriate Commodus says that God said if they're not going to honor their parents what chance do I have of them honoring me if you can't even feel grateful indebted to your parents the creators that you can see how are you going to feel grateful and indebted to the ebishta the Creator that you can't see so the way your relationship with your parents goes that's how your relationship with Hashem goes so number one if you're raising children you have to stop raising yourself meaning you're developing a relationship with your children as an adult as parents you can't at the same time be working on your relationship with your parents as their children you can't be a child and a parent at the same time if you're still trying to work out your relationship with your parents you're not really available to your children so what do you do about your displeasure with your parents with the way they raised you how they treated you and I'm not talking about criminal Behavior talking about the average parent who is guilty of many oversights many failings many bad moves in raising their children and raising you what do you do with that so the Torah says IMEI therefore a man should leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife and become how do you get married how do you become attached to your spouse let go of your parents what does that mean doesn't mean become estranged it means stop trying to fix that relationship whatever the relationship is it's good enough how is it good enough parents by strict definition are the people who gave you life not the people who taught you how to ride a bicycle anyone can teach you how to ride a bicycle parents are not the ones who teach you how to brush your teeth anyone can teach you how to brush your teeth the only thing parents do for you that no one else can do for you is give birth to you give you life on rare occasion they will sacrifice their comfort their money maybe even their lives which nobody else will do but that's that's emergency that's rare in everyday life what your parents gave you that no one else can give you is that they gave birth to you and help you live if they weren't good in Psychology if they weren't good at communication if they weren't good at uh training and that doesn't make them less of a parent makes them less of a teacher maybe even less of a role model but not less of a parent so you're you're Mitzvah to honor them is not dependent on what else they did you honor them because they gave birth to you so what about all of those things that hurt you the only way to handle that is to entitle them this is this is a strange idea but it's it's something to think about you entitled them you don't forgive them for their mistakes you entitle them to their mistakes if someone saved your life but then didn't know how to address you properly they're entitled to make mistakes in how to dress because they gave you life after giving you life they're entitled to make a lot of mistakes and everything else and you still owe them and they're still your parents you on the other hand didn't give your mother anything except nine miserable months of of morning sickness so you are not entitled to make any mistakes in how you treat your mother that's why parents are always on a pedestal you can't compete with them the first time I heard from a teenage girl well my mother doesn't respect me so why should I respect her couldn't believe what I was hearing how do we get so far from the truth so distorted your mother needs to respect you for what you've done what have you done they ate her food what have you done parents always have to be on a pedestal we're not here to criticize them to judge them they're untouchable that's why you're not allowed to call them by their first name too familiar you're not on the same level this is not a friend you're talking to him basically the point Remains the Same Point always it's not about you parents gave birth to you it was not about them they gave life they didn't take life because we know it's not just me it's not enough that I will grow up and I will be prosperous and I will be happy what have I done for anybody else what other life have I given who else benefited from my existence that's what it's about and that children trying to please their parents that should never stop you move on pleasing your parents pleasing your teacher pleasing because it's always about somebody else so here's a scary thought if a child is undisciplined if a child says to his parents you can't tell me what to do you're not the boss of me if we don't do something about that The Next Step will be that when they go to school they'll have the same attitude towards the teacher teacher can't tell me what to do if that doesn't get fixed then um the policeman can't tell me what to do the government can't tell me what to do the Toyota can't tell me what to do God can't tell me what to do that's what happens to a child who is not disciplined and what does discipline mean convinced that it's not about you that's discipline doesn't mean spanking but it doesn't end there here's here's the shocking thing the child seems to be so independent parents not the boss of me teachers not the boss of me please men not the boss of me nobody is my boss I do what I want but here's the catch after you come to us to a stage where even God can't tell you what to do there's one further development one more stage now you can't tell yourself what to do now you now you get stuck in addictions you can't tell yourself what to do you can say it you can say oh I don't want to do this I shouldn't be doing this you do it anyway because you are not the boss of you I think that's a pretty accurate description of today's youth it's not that they won't listen to anybody they can't listen to themselves they didn't develop Independence they just lived in chaos and now there is no boss there is no RAV and there is no talmud there is no master and there is no servant now they can't say no to themselves that's very painful and very sad so what is it that we want from our children we want them to know we're here to serve someone else's need not our own when we come on Rosh Hashanah and we ask God to give us a year a good year and a sweet year somebody pointed out Jews are so particular we need a channel um so first of all give me a year I want another year of life not just a regular year of life I want a good year of life and not just good it has to be sweet also otherwise we're going to have complaints so we want a good year that is also sweet we come on Rosh Hashanah we make all these demands and requests and we plead and we it's not about us shuva means I think I spent some time last year just on myself and I wasn't thinking about you about Hashem this year please don't let me do that again means the wisdom of Life what is a safer I have a checklist it's a book of wisdom I don't want to just be on the list of people who survive Rosh Hashanah it's not it's not a bulletin board and your name gets put up with it you know determine whether you're going to prosper or not whether you're going to live or not now we want the Book of Life because last year we didn't treat life properly life means pursuing the purpose for which we exist so we hope and we pray that this coming year will be a much more productive Year we will pursue the purpose for which we live more consistently more deeply more sincerely than we did last year I remember Freedom that what that was a an opening that I think that covered almost everything that was very deep very profound and now let's get into it now let's get into it with that opening okay so everybody is here um it's closer of having romanity with us tonight let's let's hop around and let's ask him questions want to start with a poll everybody answers to the best of your ability and we're going to take it from there okay two-pole question what is your primary motive motivating factor behind your emotional connection relationship with your parents so somebody asking what's your connection with your parents four options love and emotional bonds money relationships since they help me out so much that's my relationship with them number three out of respect the Torah says keep that babe that's why I respect them or option number four all the years of support and guidance answer what your your personal connections with your parents it could be any of them not right or wrong second question what is your perspective on fostering a lasting connection with your children as they grow older number one open communication with with them all the years number two buy them whatever they want they make them feel like you take care of them number three respecting their independence allowing them to make choices while providing support support I should say support option for adapting to the changing dynamics of their life showing interest in their in their in their interests and providing I wish I could read the rest basically in providing them like you know for what they're choosing so those are the two questions everybody answers the best of your ability and uh let's jump into the live questions by five seconds okay five four three two one second one second one second a lot of people are voting slow okay let's share the polls with everybody okay the first question what is your primary motivating factor behind your emotional connection in relationship with your parents 43 of people say love and emotional bond only two percent of people say it's money relationship since they help me out so much 35 say out of respect for the terraceso and 20 say all the years of supporting guidance romance I see most people are saying it's the love and emotional bonds it's interesting number two what is your perspective on fostering a lasting connection with your children as they grow older 26 say open communication with them all the years only one one person only one percent say buy them whatever they want to make them feel taken care of 23 say respecting their independence allowing them to make choices while providing support and the winning answer 49 of people say adapting to the change in Dynamics showing interest in their interest in providing them support for that whatever they do so those are the two things reminders you want to comment on anything before we go to questions well it's not surprising that love and emotional bond would be the most popular because we all wish that that were the case and maybe maybe it is the most common love and emotional bond because even the pain that parents cause is an emotional bond so if we have that attitude of that approach we went through some tough you know sometimes we agreed sometimes I love what you do sometimes I hated what you do but all of that is part of a relationship so parents should not regret some of the mistakes they made if it was done in the process of parenting certainly wasn't an intentional hurt and if you're in the process of parenting you don't regret even the things you did wrong because what you think you're perfect and a perfect specimen and can never make a mistake you have to paddle you have to keep stroking as parents you got to keep parenting and sometimes you make a mismove or a Mis fine it's all part of parenting and that's how we have to look at our parents mistakes they were parenting and they should never regret that and we should never object to their parenting because not parenting is the worst thing so the emotional bond is not only the love it's also the disappointments and the hurts and the hard feelings it's all part of the emotional bond all right let's go to some live questions okay you're on hi thank you so much for taking my questions so I have a as a parenting question here um I'm raising my children myself and I have a son who's just about 20. um he you know my household is religious he is not and he's with a non-jewish girl and has decided that this seems to be the one he's talking about moving in with her has no doesn't seem to have any qualms or issues with the fact that she's not Jewish and I just wanted to know you know um how do you suggest healing to handle this and you know I try to be supportive of my children all the time and I it's interesting this poll being uh you know emotional support um but this is really this is difficult and I I'm not sure what the best way to you know to deal with this is and I'm glad to know what you have to say yeah it's very difficult it's almost superhuman but yeah think about this why do we get married my marriage why is it necessary it's all because I like her very much so you can like her without marrying her what's marriage what do you need marriage for in fact most people today don't bother getting married the only reason to get married really is because it's God's way of living not necessary for a human condition it's a Godly way you don't want to do what God's will do it your way but why get married so that's that's one message that you want to try to get across I don't know that there is a marriage I think it just nowadays like you're saying just living together right so you want to let them know you're not objecting to his loving her you just don't think it's a good idea for them to marry and number two what kind of girl is she are you interested are you curious would you like to know your son's taste in girls that's what you should be talking about to him right now what kind of girl is she what is she good at what is she not good at I'm just say that's it I'm marrying her in other words take an interest in what is right now his life otherwise you become the outsider and as an outsider you don't get to have an opinion so stay on the inside with him take an interest in her to know what she's like and what he likes and what what attracts him what make him think make him describe and put into words what is going on and marriage no don't marry you don't have to marry unless you want to do what God says but if you're not going to do what God says then then don't marry it's okay so I mean it's a it's a it's a good balance of you're not giving in to anything that you're not allowed to do but you are interested in your son you might just win him back thank you very much okay let's go to another Live question just one second okay you're on hi okay um so I'm wondering about when it's two parents um raising children and each have their own personality style and different way of um connecting with the children at different like method my parenting so I know some people say like you have to be on the same page but I was wondering like if you're both healthy you're both performing a healthy connection you're just going about a different paths is it okay for our children to see like Mommy is this way and that is this way so uh for example um I have a baby so let's say when it came to um one of us was more like just give the baby whatever they want they're a baby like spoil them hold them wreck them however long they need and the other one is like nobody they can't like get used to it and you should like sometimes let them cry it's just a silly example but the idea is can you have in a long run different approaches where you just say I trust you to do your approach and you trust me for me to do my Approach yeah you should not be saying the same thing I'm not talking about Taylor and mitzvahs you have to disagree on whether you eat rice on pesach but in terms of of personality in terms of style you know uh be a little more strict a little more lenient a little more verbal a little less verbal don't be the same you're not the same there's a mother and a father and if they're the same then you end up with either two mothers or two fathers so the father should be different should sound different should speak different than the mother and the mother should be different from the father so the real question is whatever whatever method you're using is it working a father can be a little more strict than the mother a check to see if it's working if it's not hurting the child if it's not turning him off because if it's not working then there's nothing to talk about so the differences are not what worries the child it's it's the feeling that they're not they're not being treated properly now of course arguing in front of the kid is is terrible right because that means that you don't have respect for each other and a child can't handle that but having different tone of voice having a different expectation that's fine I mean that's not that has to be just check to make sure that both methods whatever it is you're using whatever it is your husband is using then it's actually working for you that the child is thriving from it a child who runs away when his father walks in the door this is not working so don't argue about about Style look at success thank you that answers it here's another interesting question um this lady writes my husband's and I abortion married for 16 years my husband is not available he's an alcoholic workaholic sorry as a mom manager and give them give the children what I can but what happens with the father child sign that they so desperately need and must have she has four boys and she's giving them whatever she can but they're missing their father what could she do to fill in oh don't try to fill in just tell the children that your father is a good father he's really concerned for you he supports you he takes care of you he's not the type that does a lot of uh stuff at home he's not the type that plays with children there are many such parents such fathers and and it's fine don't let it become a crisis in the child's thinking he doesn't have a father of course he has a father or if the father is cold that's a different thing if the father ignores the kid when he's home that's that's hurtful but if the father is this the court you know the strong silent type that's okay and you got to tell your child your father is that kind of father there are different kinds of fathers but if you start to worry about it and if you start to get upset and it's you and the kids against your against your husband and then it's there's no Shalom base what could she do um let's say it's somebody that's struggling with strong bias and um she has to work on again it's not easy it's not easy but don't let the kids know that you're struggling with your husband just make sure they know that they have a father they're not fatherless that's the most painful thing you know if you can you can admit my father is not good at fixing uh broken bicycles okay but he's a father when the kid gets the impression that he's not a father and that the child feels like an orphan that that's that you can prevent but he's not around but because he's busy doesn't mean he's not a father you know you have to reassure the child that there are different styles of fathering some fathers are very involved Hands-On some fathers are not but if you start complaining that you're unhappy with him with the husband well that's that's the end that's like no father at all and that's that's not livable you know just on this on the topic there are people who think about Shalom bias and Rory about Shalom bais and want shalom bais but they're focused only on the shalom not on the bias some people want show them values without a bias they just want shalom that doesn't work first make sure you have a bias you have a functional relationship then you can move up to the more ambitious plan of having a showroom bias but if you don't if you don't function like a family show them is not your problem problem is you don't have a bias if children start to misbehave and and become you got to do something you can't accept it as an alternative lifestyle it's not a bias you know the Fiddler on the Roof song tradition the mama is a mama the papa is a papa a daughter is a daughter the son is a son are they getting along fabulously maybe not but there's a mama there's a papa there's a daughter there's a son there's a bias and this bias needs a little oil to keep it running smoothly but if the child has taken on the role of the parent and the father is just not involved at all and the mother has become the policeman this is not a bias never mind show them bias it's not a bias I once recommend it to a woman she was Raising her daughter alone and the daughter talked to her with such foot with such she rolled her eyes when her mother cried I said Okay hold it stop right there you're trying to reach a mutually agreeable decision skip it try to become family again I said why don't why don't you make believe you're the mother and the daughter should make believe she's the daughter and Playhouse you're not even playing house if a daughter can roll her eyes at her mother she is not a daughter the mother is not a mother and you're worried about it agreeing on something foreign there are the simple rules of a house functions of a house whether you agree on everything whether you're wheels are turning smoothly that's a second layer the first layer is do you have wheels is this a workable situation so make sure the mother is a mother and the father is a father to your children there's nothing more powerful than a mother demanding respect for the father not for herself and there's nothing more powerful than a father who demands respect for the mother that's how the children learn that's what gives parents Authority today's parents hardly have any Authority at all because let's let's Jump On To The Next Live question we have so many lives is that okay sure okay you're on hi um okay first I just want to say that I'm sure there are very many good therapists out there but I hear from friends who have sent a child like an older child a teen a young adult for therapy or the child said they want to go for therapy and then the child becomes very egocentric and self-centered the therapists are teaching them that they have to do basically whatever makes them happy what can be done once that happens and the child now has a different you know mindset that their goal in life is to do whatever makes them happy based on what the therapist tells them yeah I think you have to be very blunt and say that therapist is completely wrong and and is making more problems than than they're solving this whole michigans with self approval self-acceptance self-validation self-love High self-image it's a disease it's mamish a disease the tailor says that arvas at me is the beginning of all evil and they say it's the solution to all problems they're very wrong dangerously wrong and I think if you speak to Children about it they will agree with you me me me can't be right can't be right even children will understand it the only issue um they like what the therapist is telling them they're no more like they now have a mind of their own like the therapist gave them a header this is what that's good for them like you have to do what makes you happy forget about what your parents are telling you forget about this and now they like what the therapists are telling them better than what their parents are telling them I know they like it it's like they like chocolate can you convince your child that eating too much chocolate is not good not always well let's assume an intelligent child if you explain it to them we'll agree with you and they'll laugh at themselves so their obsession with chocolate kids kids are not kids are not stupid they're just irresponsible but if you explain something to them they do understand it so if you make a joke about it you know the me me me me me it's a monster like a Cookie Monster they'll understand it they really do I think I think many people are confused when they hear this concept because like you're saying the world out there is teaching it and the way I see it is that there are many people walking around with no with like doormats like they don't have any sense of self and what they need is to feel a little bits of knowing who am I not that it has to intervene with kiradav but it builds them now it does go wrong many times but the question is what they're teaching out there are we just putting everything on the side with that whether it's uh just being self-aware you know emotional how do we um work on this together well if it's a teenager or older the the therapist is right in saying do what you want to do correct you're not a slave to your parents they don't own you and you don't have to do everything they say because some parents give very bad advice so yeah you are an independent person you have your own will your own opinion your own needs doesn't mean that everything you want is right and just because you want it you should do it that's not freedom that's easier to understand that's addiction yeah let's go to the next one okay you're on thank you Robbie Friedman um so I have a couple questions firstly I really liked uh somebody asked a question before about having different parenting Styles than her husband um so definitely um I I see the value in having different styles and then also most importantly respecting that you're both the parents and showing peace in front of them but what if like you're saying the main thing is to check is it working so what if it doesn't look like it's working um so for example my daughter um she seems to like a lot of personal space and my husband's very loving very affectionate and he very often comes up close to her gives her hugs and kisses and usually when she's like kind of in the middle of something and she always just gets really really mad and she says no stop and she yells at him and runs away and he just like kind of runs after or tries to hug her um and it's just very like triggering and worrisome and I don't really know how to handle it without causing um you know with that with how do I also respect my husband and also show her like this is your father he means well and it's good and what do you say to your husband so if I am good enough about not reacting in front of her um usually I I try not to tell him anything because I realize it's just my own thing that's in the way and I try to just value where he's coming from and realize that it's it's very innocent and it's a lot of love and it's very beautiful but sometimes I do tell him like you know I'm wondering what you think you know what seems to me that she she likes her independence she likes to be just you know she's in middle of something she likes to just have her thought process going and he's just like yeah but she's just too adorable I can't I can't help myself and then I'm like okay but you're the parent like it's not a you don't want to you don't want to hear those words from your husband um like it's not about you you're amazing right I hope myself doesn't sound very encouraging but I think you have to keep at this at the uh the topic your affection is beautiful but not if somebody doesn't want it there are five love languages and she wants a different language so why not give her the love she wants that way she'll actually like you yeah it's exactly what I tell him keep reminding him it's not disrespectful like as a wife to not at all not at all this I mean of course you could be disrespectful if you intend to be but if you're simply pointing something out that is real and true and obvious it's not like you can only say it once or twice he might not be aware of the five love languages and um if he does it's just to realize what he's doing for her or is doing it for himself yeah that's what I told him I think he is doing it for himself um and I and I told him that I I you know also sometimes I feel like I just want to do things that are for myself but I'm like I'm her parents not about me I I need to do what is going to help her in her life and it's it scares me a lot of times like just you know I feel like it's like you know I don't want to go there but I like almost you know makes me feel like it's giving the message that like you know if an adult just wants to give her affection because it feels good then just go for it and and that really scares me a lot so is he more affectionate than you he is um sometimes with me too like he's just he's very very affectionate and also will say sometimes like oh I can't help myself and I'm like okay it's really beautiful but it's not about you it's about affection is about the person you're giving affection to but I think maybe focus on the um on the loss on the consequence where he means well and he loves doing what he's doing but he's gonna end up with a with a daughter who doesn't like him I don't like Abba he always hugs me and I don't like Dad she's too wow wow she just turned two and she she will turn to me and she'll be like Mama I don't like Abba he hugs and kisses me too much and I want to play I just got finished saying that children are precocious these days I didn't think it was at two yeah she's scarily intelligent wow he's extremely articulate and she and she'll tell him that like she'll tell him in his face stop I don't like I don't don't touch me don't touch my body and move like wow so you got to keep reminding your husband you're losing your daughter creating an enemy out of her yeah and when I leave the room like she freaks out she's like no I don't want to be with Abba even though other times she loves to be with him like she really loves him but she's scared he's gonna just hug her and she hates it and I I hardly hug her because she just doesn't like it so I play with her and like she just doesn't like hugs yeah she's very non -sexual since she was a newborn so scare your husband and with the thought that his daughter is going to hate him okay I was just always afraid that that was like not receiving as a wife like not being the Cabo and no first of all you're protecting your daughter and and when it comes to that you can be ferocious okay that's very helpful um his own sake what is he gonna do if his daughter hates him let's jump into the next question if that's okay okay somebody's basically writing over here I'm conscious of the fact that I was abusive during my child my children's upbringing I did a really bad job what steps can I take now that they are married and we have a very distant relationship is there still any chance to mend things after the fact yeah take a real interest in everything about their lives don't try to make up or change whatever their lives are take a real interest people people like attention especially from their own parents so you know don't don't talk about the mistakes and don't try to correct them just show a real interest and a real Pride and how they grew up are you proud could be they grew up very well without much help from you you can take credit for that too you must have done something right so don't focus on what was wrong focus on what is right if there was nothing right in the past and what's right in the present and what's right is you take an interest don't try to fix don't try to change don't try to control just take an interest be excited about the things they're excited about does that happen many times that the parents try to be involved and it pushes them further away yeah trying to be involved could end up feeling like you're trying to control or influence you don't want to do that you just want to take pleasure in your children's lives as much as much of the information they give you as little probably going to give you a little to go on but whatever little you have get excited tell them they're thrilled for them so nice and and no attempt at controlling or influencing very good here's another interesting question um a few years ago I went through a divorce and since then my ex has constantly portrayed me in a negative light to our children suggesting that I am indifferent do not invest enough time with them the reality is that I have I have them only every other weekend and I'm generally committed to making the most of that time despite my efforts I'm finding it increasingly challenging to forge connection with my kids it seems that the heart I try the more this they become heartbreakingly I haven't had the opportunity to see my children for three years I'm not sure how that worked how can I navigate this situation work towards rebuilding a meaningful relationship with them she hasn't seen them in three years it sounds like if there was more than three years but it's been it's been a while she hasn't seen that well she or he didn't see them she may have to wait until the kids are a little older because right now they're simply protecting the father they've taken his side and they're protecting him so nothing she says is going to get through to them they are very loyal to their father maybe as they get older and they become a little curious about their mother and they're brave enough to do something without their father's approval they'll come looking for you and then you'll be able to set them straight but right now if if he can keep them away from you for three years he's got way too much power what if there is some relationship every few weeks and they feel distant because of the way the other talks about them so the best thing you can do is keep reminding the kids that when a husband and wife get divorced they shouldn't talk badly about each other and don't talk badly about him in other words take the high road do the right thing and they'll realize eventually that the father is wrong in being so critical or nasty but but don't say he's wrong just say parents who get divorced don't bad mouth each other and that's why you're never going to say anything negative about their father let them let them draw their own conclusion you know we really are are at the mercy of our children and we have to believe that they're intelligent and that if you just do the right thing they will notice and if he's doing the wrong thing they will notice that too the only it's the only way to live is with confidence in the children that they have enough decency you gave them enough of a of a to know right from wrong and they will understand if we're convinced that our children are are simply not intelligent then there's nothing to talk about and there's no one to talk to trust your children may take a while but they will come around let's jump onto this interesting question okay maintaining a relationship with my parents has become increasingly detrental to my well-being their lack of healthy boundaries and consistent interference with my relationship with my spouse and siblings lead to ongoing fights and conflicts the strong and unsolicited opinions add further strain as I worked with my own healing their actions often sabotage my my progress it's apparent that they hold my therapist responsible for the changes I'm making and their anger towards us is you know you know I don't know the right word they're writing but basically it could make sense however it's important to acknowledge that the pattern of anger and frustration penetrates my decision to seek help so basically like how do I deal with my parents that are really not healthy for me and as I'm going to the therapist and the therapist is guarding me to have my own boundaries as an adult um while they they're feeling more and more disconnected for me so we said before the only the only way to make peace with parents and that is what you want to do and the therapist should help you with that not not create further distance in other words a therapist should help you be more accepting of them as they are rather than warning you to avoid them and to maintain your own independence you don't need that you need the ability to accept them as they are that's really what you want to do of course you want them to accept you as you are but that's up to them there's nothing you can do about that so the first step in accepting them as they are is entitle them don't judge them don't keep thinking oh they did this wrong they're doing this wrong I'm gonna put I'm gonna pause you for a second okay let's go to the next slide question that ties into it okay you're on um what is uh the the adult child obligation for kibur Ava M if the parent is uh deceiving manipulative looking how to use you um favoring another child um you you if you can go there and spend the whole day helping them and they'll say you don't have time for me what do you how do you how do you keep your what is the obligation the obligation is to be very respectful how did not to correct them when they are say things that aren't true like have what specifically how do you respect a parent like that if you correct them you do it respectfully not talking down to them not not being condemning certainly not being threatening you speak respectfully and you just tell the truth the way it is the way you would with someone who's not your father or your mother you would be respectful but the thing is I mean there is some truth to the statement that you are hurt only to the degree that you allow yourself to be hurt so the question is not why they behave the way they behave the question is why does it devastate you after you know it's not the first time it's not the second time you should be immune to it already by now you know what they are you know what they think you know how they talk don't get shocked every time again and again and again just realize your parents are good at some things and they're really not good at other things and they're not going to be so don't expect them to suddenly change their mind they have their favorite child that's the way it's gonna be does that mean you're not their child you are their child so really the therapists in in these issues see they just create more distance and more intolerance and when you're trying to create more tolerance oh that's what you need how are you more tolerant if you give them the the entitlement yeah you're entitled to be a little crazy you're entitled to be a little off you worked very hard you had your own problems you're entitled you don't have to be perfect for me that you you'll you'll stop feeling so much pain you'll stop being a hurt to the degree that you are you know the most the most impressive thing child whose parent is really not all there and their behavior could be actually embarrassing so the immature child will never invite his friends to his house because he doesn't want his friends to know that his mother is weird a mature child will say hey come over to my house I'll introduce you to my mother uh don't talk to her she's weird but she's my mom if you can be comfortable with your mother's issues if you can be comfortable with your mother's failings or even even insanity you're fine what age what age would you think a child can do that if you're already married for sure I think many good good therapists help the person deal with it like you're saying they're holding their hands and giving them the concepts that you're discussing hopefully hopefully or they're saying don't let your mother affect you don't talk to her don't don't let her into the house but let's take an example that we mentioned before if you went to help your mother a full day you would Veer for many hours and at the end of the day she tells you you never have time for me and you never come over and she gives you that guilt trip how well how do you take that yeah uh by the same token how do you take it when you do everything for your child and your child says you never give me anything what do you do you smile and you say well sometimes I give you something so that's that's a hard to yeah it depends on how threatened you feel but you need you don't need to feel so threatened you've established yourself you've done well you've got your own life your mother gave you life to be able to achieve what you achieved so thank her for what she did and the rest to have that healthy balance many people need somebody to guide them because they feel guilty let's say they were they were only there for four hours they could have been there five they were only there for one day they could have been there too and they walk away feeling guilty oh they walk away feeling hurt because they're still expecting their mother's approval and the mother just won't approve no matter what they do so if they're there for four hours the mother says why not five okay you know your mother has this problem stop taking it personally it's her problem we're hoping the therapist could hold their hands hmm you know it's very true that people are so much stronger than they think they are like this woman who says to me I can't take it I cannot take it anymore I can't I'm I'm done I'm I know you told me this 10 years ago and you kept at it for another 10 years what do you mean you can't you're much stronger than you're admitting we handle things a lot better than we think we're handling it so give yourself a little credit your mother hurts you she can't devastate you can't you for the rest of the day with her criticism or with her lack of judgment or whatever especially since you're already used to it you know it's going to happen it could be a very good comedy routine let's go to the next Live question okay you're on yeah hi um I've been in intense therapy for like the past two years um I've been dealing with like really low self-esteem and things like that um and like the one thing that's helped me is like learning how to like you know love myself and like accept the way I am and like all that type of thing um I heard you mention earlier that like that's all wrong and all things like that um I'm just curious how that could be if like I find that that's what helped me like to become a normal like human and society and be able to be loving and caring to other people if it works I will not argue with it I can't argue with success but the objective the long-term goal is not to love yourself the long term is to accomplish enough so that you don't need to love yourself you don't hate yourself you don't love yourself you're no longer an issue that would be perfect so going from hating yourself to loving yourself is a slight Improvement the real Improvement is it's not about me so whatever I am is fine do I have a high self-image or a low self-image I don't care what's the difference that would be perfect you can only do that if you're not critical on yourself you could only do that if you're not walking around being critical about yourself yeah so being critical of yourself and being in love with yourself are really two sides of the same coin because it's still just self when you can dismiss yourself and not pay attention that's that's the best you're perfectly balanced okay whatever Friedman there's another Live question here on mute just waiting for them to tell me hi yes thank you um I have a friend that's had some problems and she told me that she doesn't talk to her mother for the last 10 years I told her we're trying in every which you know every which way to help her and all of a sudden I felt that you know I think that it's time to make up with your mother after not talking to her for 10 years she had babies nothing no sheikhas so she thought it was maybe a good idea she would try she would try you know so this can bring about in her life she was she had children was another issue and she discussed it with her therapist and she told me to call her therapist and I actually called a therapist and I'm Blown Away what the therapist told me the therapist told me no it's not a good idea it's not a good time now it's not the best time I'm working with her for a couple years and and I argued with a therapist I don't care what you're saying but let her have minimal Cycles with the mother minimal good job I know what I'm doing he tells me this robot him support me and that's it she does not have to talk to her mother and I'm blown away I told him about Santa would say this at the time you says this where do you have the guts to say this and that was it so your question is should you pay the therapist um I I want to bring this awareness and I want to say like where do I go back to the lady and what do I tell her I mean I told her to drop that therapist but what do I do Vita say that on Yom Kippur it's a really big Mitzvah to wish your mother a good year you're not talking about a relationship you're not talking about changing the relationship wishing your mother very important if she can't handle it the therapist might say she can't handle it I don't know you think she's going to ask the therapist whether she can say a good year to her mother now the therapist might be right that she is not ready to start a relationship that may be true so don't call it a relationship don't call it making up and becoming good friends just you know see him get there so children have at least three once a year at least try to once a year um just be once a year she should do I don't know if you call it a hive it's a mental I think just because her mother is not a mensch doesn't mean she's can't be right so just blame it on Yom Kipper mm-hmm and for people that don't have cyclist's appearance what are ways to you know to tell them to get back to it even though your parents and elements just be mental and and do minimal of just uh get you before you even or whatever what are small steps small steps for people to come and take uh on the birthday on an anniversary you say something positive you say something I'm really grateful for something you did or said don't call it a relationship and don't try to change the relationship just do things that a daughter would do if everything were normal even though nothing is normal it would be at least believable but if the daughter tries to act like you know we're going to be friends again it's not believable so don't don't don't let it get too ambitious you're not going to become best friends but a daughter wishes her mother a good year or a happy birthday or an anniversary or regards from an a nickel let's go to the next Live question you're on hi so there's a lot a lot that I want to be challenging on I'm gonna um and there's a lot that I hear that is really helpful um being that I am I've gone through a lot of abuse in my childhood and I'm wondering how you know from either from the quote that you share about I mean there's some like a quote that already if you can't raise your children you can't raise your children if you're still trying to raise yourselves all right there's this piece of you know for myself you know if I had a choice to become a parent or just yeah I'm a parent and I do all that it takes to be the best parent but there's a lot of you know very strong feelings to my parents how they raised me there was very abusive and how can you forgive and have that relationship or make slow steps well first of all assess the damage whatever whatever abuse you put up with how much damage did it cause a lot a lot be more specific with yourself don't no don't tell me but you know spell it out what you can't function you couldn't get married nobody wanted to marry you you didn't have children you couldn't have children children don't like you don't what what is the damage that's what is it called okay so after I asked myself this question how bad is the damage you you will be surprised that you are doing quite well so although your parents were very abusive your life has not suffered much from it but my suffering is every day it's my maybe I'm choosing not to suffer because I'm healing and um you know working towards a productive life and raising healthy children but it's there's a lot of pain yeah but the pain has not stopped you from having a life so you're not because I work yeah yeah whatever it is you you made a life for yourself so they didn't you they just left you with some really bad memories your life is good I wish so reassess that reassess that the people around you your friends think that you have a nebuch life or a good life um why it matters what I see I don't know what they no no because the pain doesn't let you see clearly ask people who are not subjective what they see get an objective opinion you'll be surprised you're you're doing much better than you give yourself credit so though I'm doing much better than I'm giving myself credit I'm still left with a lot of deep pain yes but not not failed but I've been crippled for a very long time emotionally maybe emotionally yeah mentally and physically where how it affected me and not functionally so you know the problem is that we get a very unbalanced view of ourselves the pain could be very very real I'm not questioning that at all but so is your success so don't paint a picture that's all bad when it's only half bad balance it balance right but we're very I find that I'm very consumed by the grief and the sadness of obviously not very consumed because then you wouldn't have been able to make a life and it is a true story I was speaking to a group of women and I said something about every woman eventually becomes like her mother and that's a good thing well this one woman exploded she jumped out of her seat and she said well maybe your mother but my mother and she goes through a whole list of she was she was controlling and she was destructive and she ruined her marriage and my marriage and my sister's marriage so what would you say to that I said oh in that case take her out in the back and shoot her she said no I'm serious I said so am I take her out in the backyard and shoot her she needs kill him so she says come on she wasn't that bad I said oh you want to describe her again and describe because what you described is a monster that needs to be killed and then I said to her how did I know that your description of your mother was not true because look at you you're a human being you're a put together human being if your mother was as bad as you say you would be even worse because you're the daughter of such a mother the product of such a mother so the fact okay the fact that you maintained your own you have your own dignity you have your own opinion you obviously your mother was not the monster you think so if I was able to I'm sorry right sorry if I was able to pull myself out of it and I got the treatment and I work hard every day but watching siblings that did not get that so I have proof you know what type of you know abuse went on oh there's no question there was abuse right so there's the my question is really like how can I lessen the grief and the like the Deep um pain of the past balance the picture you're making it sound like all you had was misery and if all I had was misery how can I get rid of like the pain that I have it can't be that all you had was misery because you're not a miserable person because I work on myself I work hard where did that strength come from um not from my mother from my therapist well I wouldn't be surprised if your mother was very determined also in all the wrong ways so you you inherited her determination but you're using it in a more constructive way okay with this with this I oh yeah I'll take it okay really you have to give yourself a little more credit okay very impressive human being even though your mother wasn't and that's something okay I have one more question um about loving ourselves doesn't it say like love yourself so we can love others I love I love that interpretation okay is love others like you love yourself but what if I don't love myself obviously the Toyota is making a big assumption the trader is assuming you love yourself a lot and that's how you should love everybody else is the title wrong you don't love yourself well then the title is not talking to you the Twitter is talking to somebody who loves themselves a lot and is saying can you share a little of that self-love with others or is it all for you but it doesn't say love yourself it's assuming that you love yourself and by the way the reason we hurt over our own failures or or the uh the non-acceptance of our parents is because we love ourselves the fact that you have a lot of pain doesn't mean you don't love yourself I mean your neighbor may have had the same mother doesn't hurt you what hurts is that it happened to you and you love yourself you don't love yourself romantically I thought you wrote you write poems to yourself but you love yourself because everything you experience and everything that happens to you you take seriously that's self-love so the more the pain the more the love the more the love the more the pain okay he definitely gave me a lot to think about oh yeah there was a sign I saw in a store you know these these thought signs that you hang in your house what are they called affirmations anyway so this one sign said every day do something that you really enjoy I think that's brilliant the only problem is that everyone is always doing what they enjoy everybody needs to be told to do something you enjoy you eat ice cream have a piece of chocolate you uh you put on your favorite slippers I mean come on we're always doing what we enjoy no one needs to tell us question is can you also make someone else enjoy so means share some of your self-love you don't have any no such thing you wouldn't wake up in the morning if you didn't love yourself I guess if you don't have any then you still need someone to hold that for you you can't not have any you can't it can be sour you know what I mean it can be like there could be times where you don't have any any self-love yeah there will be times and you wouldn't care I wouldn't and I know that I wouldn't because I didn't you there was a time in there in times where I didn't care so you weren't in pain and what if I wasn't that I'm assuming I was some sort of pain that I didn't care so yeah it was like people who cut themselves um similar well is that because they love themselves or they hate themselves they hate themselves don't they no Okay so challenge me at that they love themselves and they want to feel alive so they cut themselves even a person who is suicide loves himself that's why he won't tolerate this pain self isn't it self-defense so the question is is it a healthy love or a negative kind of love or angry love but it's love so the whole issue do I love myself don't I love myself it's not important it really isn't the question is what can you do with your life that is productive and helpful and holy and godly With Love Without Love what's the difference you're not here to love yourself just like you weren't given the ability to speak so that you can talk to yourself you're given the ability to speak so you can speak to others and you weren't given money so that you can keep it under your mattress you were given money to spend it invest it give it same is true with love you're given love so that you can give it away not keep it so if you're doing it you're taking care of your kids you're raising a family you're awesome you're absolutely awesome okay thanks for the affirmation but I mean it okay I'll try to sit with it okay thank you thank you for everyone one last one and then we're gonna go to closing sorry for keeping it so late but it's so deep tonight the shaking Himalayan over here okay last question you're on hello yes yes yes hi Rabbi thank you for so much okay uh I have a 25 year old daughter that just graduated Columbia University of all things and the freeze trying uh very hard then basically succeeding trying to embrace this hard competitive often Cutthroat professional world and just the world outside in general and I'm trying to keep uh she's living on her own we communicate uh on phone rarely through text messages basically and I'm trying to hold on to the sky and caring girl that I raised or at least uh nurture and have her maintain these qualities because they're important to me and to her she understands it uh not only theoretically she understands that she has very high emotional intelligence uh but she tells me that to survive and to compete in this world she needs to break away like for me like to cut the symbolical cord and when she communicates with me she always uses this term boundaries that I cannot cross boundaries that uh you know and I and I'm you know this has been about two and a half about two and a half three years so I'm always constantly working with myself and hired well hired started being in therapy and talking to somebody how to like hold my brains you understand because I feel now less so but it took me a long long time I was feeling constantly wounded and uh you know thinking and working and you know looking through these YouTube you know I don't know seminars or whatnot and I um uh I wanted to ask your advice about it you know even though I'm already halfway or a certain amount of weight they're accepting it but it was very difficult in the beginning very difficult because uh I mean I I understood that I had I understand that I have to let her go to mature and everything but uh I invested my entire life in her literally I didn't I've been with her on my own since she was about five five and a half I lost my mom who was a professional woman a physician when my daughter was like slightly over four and I I don't in no way do I blame her never mentioned it to her but I was focused just on her I mean just how life was I I I couldn't split my heart to get married and maybe I didn't meet the man that I wanted to but you know so and I definitely under all circumstances want her to be the best she can be I'm not cold I don't want to hold her back I don't um 12 you know into her you know personal things and everything I always think through dozens of times over before I ask her a question and everything but how how can I maintain my own um I don't know homogeneity you know how do you know it it when she doesn't uh respond to me or she responds in a negative way it injures me so deeply you know and it's like my Foundation collapses I'm thinking I invested my life into this girl who is beautiful bride I paid for education I mean you know there's still some you know but anyway and what you know I don't want to say what am I getting in return of course you know it was my idea and my desire to raise a human being who can be an asset to society which she is which she will be you know yes nice if she showed a little appreciation yes that wouldn't hurt at all she's not mm-hmm because she still doesn't feel independent enough to thank you for giving her her independent life she will in the meantime just think about one thing you're still the best thing that ever happened to her she doesn't have to admit it you have to know it thank you there is nothing in her life better than you um yes the sacrifices that parents have to make for the children to be happy yes um all the sacrifice because they never pay you back I guess except their success is your is your najas mm-hmm so just know you're the best thing that ever happened to her even if she doesn't know it won't admit it you know yes I want her to have I want her to meet somebody you know and she's beautiful and not because she is my daughter but it's very important you know you she's so focused just on her career yeah then yes she'll outgrow it sadly the disillusioned and disappointed it's going to make their life wonderful but it doesn't so she'll be back yes because you are the best thing that has happened to her I hope so many years ago I went to a doc my mother took me to a doctor um digestion problems this is an old-fashioned doctor it was a dark office I was really scary it was eight I was eight years old the doctor says that seems to be the problem I said my stomach he goes into a whole rant a stomach is not a problem if you have no stomach is a problem hmm yeah not having a mother is a problem having a mother is not a problem it's the best thing that happened to your daughter so how long will it take for her to realize that um oh yes she probably she probably realizes it but I understand because I you know had to compete in the outside also tough professional world and it's very difficult sometimes for an attractive intelligent woman I'm talking about my daughter now it's even harder you understand because you cannot I understand that in a competitive world you cannot show your um your heart you know you have to keep it close you cannot you cannot show a vulnerability the things that whatever success she's gonna have will be even more important than you yes so be proud of her and don't expect any thanks well if I get if if hopefully and she will need a nice man and she will allow herself to open up this way and I'll she'll have children will be my grandchildren so that will be enough you know things right for me I would hope so yeah if she makes you a Bubby that would be great yes and I tell her she doesn't have to well not that she's planning to but she doesn't have to meet or Marry a Millionaire or not that she is um aspiring to but I tell her uh that the the inner qualities the human you know she has to look at the man not at his degree you know his degree is not what she needs to marry I'm sure she's not right I'm sure bank account well his background of course but how he treats her how how they communicate how he responds you know when she experiences hardships yes it's uh I'm sure she knows that she's your daughter I hope so I don't know I don't see I don't know if other people we do not see ourselves objectively yes doctor we don't Rabbi pardon me we are we tried to them but that's why it's good to have these conversations to get another view of ourselves yeah thank you let's go to closing go out what a share tonight whoa I think everybody has to listen to it a few times over and over some people having a hard time with that whole conversation with that woman like it was so strong it was so deep but it was it was so powerful I'm gonna listen to it a few times myself okay again first of all Grace for everybody for coming on tonight and giving tremendous physics on a very important topic for relationships dealing with people and uh tonight Freedom as usual we will go to the we do root canals when you come on it's always a root canal so uh if anybody's having pain give it a few days listen to it a few times don't worry I've got better you'll get it clearer again tonight shares 154. if anybody wants to join the WhatsApp chats he gets speakers you get to see the the every week the speakers you go what's happening at eight four eight five two five zero zero six six say my number quick reach out to manage website.com sign up for his emails send you the speakers the replays again if anybody's here the first time Sunday night at 9 30. this is this is my day we have the best of the best the best robotic therapists topics we covered on what we covered almost everything not everything but almost in the past four years at chem August 27th next Sunday we're gonna have an amazing show with short shorts It's tremendously the big speaker um he's from and he's going to come to really give us a lot of inspiration on getting into Rosh Hashanah very deep you know what the hell is and really trying to get us ready for for the getting onto the new year and let everybody know about it pass the word around let everybody join the secret square like Robert Friedman said that's why we have these discussions here tonight to really bring out points and to really review things and get physic everything my channel will be recorded so I'm gonna burnfield's website if you have any questions um you can email them at Coachman gmail.com again tonight's show is 154. if you want to listen to it on the phone it's the number is 848 777 Grill it's 848-77-4769 which will be up hopefully by tomorrow if anybody wants to get in touch with your balance Friedman he has a website what's the website again let me see it over here it's good to know that org and that's how you can get in contact with him any questions you can email him or reach out to him book a session with him and uh you could hash it out again thank you to all the advertising sponsors liquid school bell and Ariel from Five Town Central hyla Kaufman and I'm just gonna say before we go to banana from the Romans you'll after this two hours of decency to leave us with the goods you know what comes to your mind in the next few minutes but something leave us with something strong after such a share but I just want to say tonight was very deep it was very powerful you you really covered a tremendous amount I I myself I just feel like what what you brought out what I heard is that at the end of the day every person that made it and is here and is trying to grow at the end of the day there's something that does come whether you want to attribute some of it to your parents or not it did bring you into this world and there is uh you don't have to have that relationship you don't have to be that uh martyr you don't have to go through the the pain and the suffering but being a mansion doing the right thing something for yourself it's something that you need to do for yourself it makes you a mention it makes you the right person um and and just you know blaming everything on your parents and all the problems on your parents again I'm not I'm not judging anybody or anything but parents do make mistakes people parents come from different generations and uh parents come with their own generational trauma we spoke about that a lot and we have to accept that and understand that as well and we have to make the most of it and if we could one of the questions is how do we break the chain how do we you know how we break the chain as we work on ourselves we go to therapy we go to Rob Bonham we listen to coach and we do things to self help ourselves and we become better person and better people by us becoming better people it's not only raising our children and doing the right thing for them it's doing the right thing for ourselves is doing what we need to do for our parents for our relationships for the people that we have Titans on it's about ourselves it's about not living in the mud and being upset and being angry and being living in that negativity and like also Robert Sherman I just you you set a very deep art I just want to bring it out again the end of the day we all have we all we really bet some more have self-love for ourselves we're born with that we have love for ourselves even if somebody is suicidal even somebody's cutting themselves because they have feelings and they have pain because they love themselves and they can't tolerate the pain if what I'm understanding is if you had no love yourself you just wouldn't feel anything you just would you just lay on the floor not want to get out of bed there would be no movement you know physical or mental movements the fact that we move and Hashem gives us is because there is love and we have to use that love in a positive way to really help people and to help ourselves and to be forgiving to people and being understanding and being forgiving to your parents doesn't make what your parents did right and it doesn't make it um it doesn't make it that it's going to hurt you it makes it that you're mentioned you're doing what's right whether somebody texted me somebody that hasn't spoken to the parents in years and the parents birthday is coming up should I buy them a birthday cake so of course you should buy them a birthday cake why wouldn't you buy your parents a birthday cake it doesn't affect you in any way it's being a mentor it's doing the right thing just because they did something wrong or they or you fell heard from them you can give love even though you heard that that's actually the ultimate level probably Freeman I said this many times I think the ultimate thing people could do and the people that I respect the most the people that go through tremendous challenges and they use those challenges you know that lose kids and then they go and be Advocates with people that lose kids people that go through trauma and they help other people with trauma people that have been hurt and are able to process it accept it Grow from its process it's fears and takes a lot of work but then they're able to re-love or at least do the right thing with it that means that you're really an unbelievable person you're able to take that stuff accept it and grow from it not just live in the misery and blame and hate and be negative because if you're still living in that again I'm saying in my personal opinion they could hate me for saying it I'm I'm gonna hate mail for it but at the end of the day if you're living in that that means you're still that's um really doing the generational trauma in a different version they did it to you you're doing it to them grow from that not only everybody's busy with their kids but do it for yourself to become a better person so that's my takeaway from what what I heard tonight from Robert Friedman which I thought was very very powerful and for the people that are having a hard time hearing some of those comments and missing the availability that the validation and all that stuff which is we do a lot of that and therapists do a lot of that validation is great and we need to validate and we have to understand people's feelings and people's pain and we're not unvalidating any of that but we're very few minutes what I'm understanding is take me to the next level okay now that you had the pain now that you had it Sarah nobody's disagreeing with abuse or whatever you went through but what you're doing with it what are you doing with the love you have or who you are where are you taking that are you taking it to say that because I went through something that's why I get to a tour from doing the right thing or doing what's mental or doing what's what's human decency or am I saying no I'm going to do the right thing in closer so that's my my takeaway from tonight share coach Menachem wrap it up in the ramanus leave us with something knock it out of the park again sorry thank you very much um yeah I want to thank you Robert Manis for tonight and like we heard the Usher you covered it in a few words um it was triggering it's triggering for many and the concepts that you bring up many times is hard for a project I'm the person that he was that I had a conversation with texted me just now I actually feel real appreciative for his depth and his response and it helped me a lot okay continue again many people when they hear these Concepts and you have a career of taking a way of thinking and turning it over now many people have worked on this for a long time they're getting the help the needs and the people should get the help they need and yes it could be hard to understand these Concepts but the many Concepts that we discuss tonight you know whether it was self-love or parents no matter what they did whatever Concepts came up I know people messages from all the sides that you know for many it's hard and I'm validating but to listen to it again meaning there is depth to it and yeah it makes sense that it might take time until you understand it you know the concept until we understand you might not understand it the first time so so thank you very much and Mr Shem again for those who got physics tonight beautiful for those who feel they didn't yet Hashem should help them they should have the Koya to continue wherever they are the healing process that they're on and hopefully one day they'll get to a place a better place that they will be able to understand themselves how they should be able to continue everybody should continue growing wherever they are and one thing that you mentioned it's a is always you could pat yourself in the back like you're you know right here you shouldn't be so busy with yourself but look at yourself look at what you're doing you might not see it because you're sitting in that negative thought at all times complaining but by hearing what we heard tonight or by having the right therapist that can show you the work that you're doing you should be able to continue to help you grow so thank you very much minus I've normally always ended the joke you know I always start with the joke with you you're a very freeze brother this one's the father Benny Friedman and the Eighth Day in the Gans but this time I don't want anything this time I want to Stack a wrap up a real real wrap up well one of the benefits of all of this is that when we think of ourselves as parents we know we're not going to be perfect hopefully we won't be as bad as our parents if our parents were not we're not smart but we're not you know we're going to have some regrets and we're going to make mistakes and so here's here's the approach that is healthy I'm not going to be a good father and I'm not going to quit being a father I'm not going to be a good son but I won't quit being a son I'm not going to be a good husband because what it takes to be a good husband is almost humanly impossible what it takes to be a good father what it takes to be a good uh Jew it's almost impossible these things we should not try to be good at we should just try to be consistent don't ever stop don't stop being a Jew don't stop being a father don't stop being a mother don't stop being a daughter don't stop being a son don't stop being a husband don't stop being a wife don't be good at it just be at it that's all God asks foreign gets passed around a lot I hope you upload it on your channel also and um I think the share is really going to help a lot of people and not sure I'm gonna say about it next week same time same place 9 30. repeat six shorts ever Freeman as usual we got we gotta we gotta cover so many more topics remember a question for you we can handle for the question can I ask you a question now that you're a coach Menachem let's get real regular tell me what what your thoughts are on the sheer and what what do you what do you take away from it on the program well the whole structure is very fascinating with the you know with the voting for The the most important or the most whatever significant it's it's Unique and I am I'm absolutely certain that a lot of people are better off now than they were two hours ago so take credit for it you're doing a definite public service in some cases as you know you're actually saving lives improving lives changing lives no question about it thank you everyone we love you benched