The Hamster Wheel of Love Breaking Negative Patterns Keep You Running in Circles, Rabbi Eli Deutsch

Hi everybody. Welcome to coach Burnfield on this beautiful Sunday night. Tonight is February 8th, 2026 and a lot of things happening tonight. So all the people that are here, we really appreciate it giving up the the Super Bowl to join us and all the other major events. Tonight is shar 259. First I want to thank everybody for joining us as we see every week for being part of the place to talk through and uh as we know we're here already in our sixth year and keeps on getting better and better. If anybody wants to join our WhatsApp chats, please WhatsApp me at 732-314710. I can send you the link for the community chats. I'll post it as well in the Zoom chat or you can go to burnfall.com to his website and sign up for the weekly emails. And every time sends out emails about the speakers and the replays, you'll get notified as well. All the people that are watching this on YouTube, you can click on the subscribe button. Can also click on the like button. So every time Anakim posts a video, you get to know about it. and all the I want to thank you to all the advertising sponsors scoop here in Lakewood and Ellie and hold on and Ellie and Ariel for 5town central from J the Jewish contact network for always promoting us on all the digital Jewish platforms tonight 259 we're going to start our first with our co-hosted to give us the gamatria for 259 tied into rebellious topic tonight here we go >> shalom everyone to zoom number 259 N the hamster wheel of love breaking negative patterns that keep you running in circles. One may wonder why would someone keep break keep breaking negative patterns and run in circles. Well, there are many fears involved. People are scared to try something new. They are scared of change. They rather just keep on doing negative things as opposed to change simply out of fear. One must realize that Hashem protects us in each and every way that he that that he goes and that he can be successful. Which leads us up for tonight's gimatri 259. Hashem yain Hashem will protect us. Beautiful really appreciate it. Okay, let's start off. First of all, the coach show is sponsored by okclarity.com. Oakclar.com is the largest dental health and wellness director in the global Jewish world. any from person to get a therapist nutritionist and yes even a coach coach is there clarity has an amazing WhatsApp status with over 10,000 followers will send out the links with with all the information how to join up there join it it's a great place especially if you're in the mental health anybody's here for the first time every Sunday night under zoom we have different topics different therapists mashm next week September 15th we're going to have an amazing program the guest is not confirmed yet but we're working on it on it isn't confirmed we're going to send out an email to confirm it um it's going to be powerful and amazing just like all of our programs. So, please join us. And now we're going to turn it over to coach Bernfold on this beautiful Sunday night with Deutsch Coach. What are we doing here tonight? Welcome everyone. Welcome to another another let's get real with coach. Like we say every week with a lot of we're doing 259 barem and we have discuss to have Rabb tonightem discussing a very interesting topic in general but it can go all different directions discussing breaking negative patterns that keep you running in circles. Now if we would see the pattern you know that would be many times we don't even see the pattern we don't even realize but if you can uh zoom out and look at your relationship whether you're married for a few years and uh see you know maybe maybe observe a little bit see what [snorts] it looks like when you come home what it looks like at night. Many times it's basically the same concept, the same ideas and you can find patterns. Not always is it that easy to see it. Not always is it easy to zoom out. But I think there are two steps over here. Number one to see the pattern which is not always easy. And then many times we think if they you know if they change the pattern then things will be different. That's pretty obvious to you. But you don't see the pattern that you're putting in your part of the relationship. And many times it's easier to look at, you know, a third party, a third rel relationship, your neighbor, your your sister-in-law, your cousin over there. You could see it very clearly. You see how they work and you see her part and his part and you you see exactly what's going on. But when it comes to yourself, there's something holding you back. So to go a little bit deeper to understand what's going on. And like we heard the gamata that that fear to be able to look at what does my pattern look like? Why do I do that way? What what are my triggers? The way I answer, the way I express myself, the way you respond, even the the sigh, even the that that expression, just uh be being able to observe it. So hopefully midstream tonight. I always say a good idea is to slow down because if you're running too fast, you're not going to be able to see the full picture. Let's slow down, take a deep breath, and maybe observe, listen. Let's see what's going on. Let's see what the triggers are. Let's see where am I in it? What part of it can I? And uh like we all know if you want to see something different then obviously we have to do something different to do to do the same thing you're going to have the same results. So if that's the case we have to find where it might even be a small thing the way I come home the way I respond the way I look at the situation and Hashem with that we can have episode change growth like we all want and that's why we're here tonight. And thank you again, Rabbi Deutsch, for being here. And I've I've personally heard feedback. People have worked with Rabbi Deutsch. And it's just amazing the help that that you do. And um and really the to go in deeper whether it's cababalistic to understand what's really going on um deeper in. So thank you. Thank you very much. >> Beautiful. Okay, let's get into it. Tonight's share is 259. The title of the share the hamster wheel of love breaking negative patterns that keeps you running in circles. Rebell is sought after speaker Kabala and ways of Judaism. He's authored the classic bestseller Jewish by choice a cabalistic take on life and Judaism and this case for Judaism which has won wide acclaim as clearest most comprehensive easy accessible and practical deception of Kabala and wise of Judaism is available in English language today. Ellie also specializes and guides couples to repair and infuse their relationship with connection, intimacy, and love they desire by shifting from fear to freedom and from control to intimacy. Ellie's guide helps transform lives and relationships from a state of disconnection, struggle, and lack of understanding to one of respect, communication, connection, joy, and love. Ellie has the magic answers. Please uh tonight it should be a for Yeshua for and is to have you. Everybody should know it's he woke up 3:00 a.m. He lives in he's speaking from the holiest place in the world. So, uh real pleasure to have you. Reveli, the floor is yours. >> Okay. Shalom everybody. Thank you so much for having me. Wow, what an honor. It's a it's it's a pleasure and a blessing to be here. So thanks to everybody who made this happen. Um so let's uh let's jump right in. Right. The topic is about breaking uh cycles. And the picture that I have when I think about cycles and I think about these patterns is what often happens for many couples is these these conversations or these arguments that just happen over and over again. the never- ending argument that people going back and forth, couples going back and forth, end up having a two, threeh hour conversation back and forth into the wee hours of the night and end up having a miserable day the next day. That's at least what I think of. Of course, these patterns can be happening in many ways. And the question is what is underneath that? Now, of course, everybody has their patterns, their their habits, their personality traits, which are really a connection, a collection of many things that have happened before and things from childhood, etc. And there's healing that we need to do, and there's [clears throat] triggers that we need to unhook. Um, but one thing that I find, one thing that I find is that if we were to step forward into what I like to call the male female dynamic, um, that would help a lot, right? That would help a lot because a lot of times what we are looking for, there's two things we need. We're looking for what do we want to feel in terms of ourselves as we relate and what are we also looking for in in order to receive from others, right? And so I think that if we can understand where we are coming from in the relationship as a man, as a woman, stereotypically, generally, then we can understand a lot more in terms of what we are looking to do, who we're looking to be, and how we're looking to feel. Right? So, so let's uh let's get into it. Right? There's a a classic uh cabalistic concept called um surah and right surah means form. Homer means material. that anything in the physical breaks down to form and material. Right? So for example, I can be sitting here by a wooden table. I can be sitting here by a wooden table. And so the wood is the is the material and the tableness of the thing is the form. So what is the form? The form is the concept of direction of vision of identity. Who am I? Where am I going? and moving in that path, right? And the material is the concept of fulfilling that, of actualizing it, of bringing it into of bringing it down to earth. Now, the Maharal of Prague explains that this is the concept of masculine and feminine, right? And what that means and the way I see it and what I've developed based on this is understanding. Okay, so what is the masculine concept? The masculine concept is going to be all about giving forth energy in potential, right? And the feminine concept is going to be about receiving that energy and potential and actualizing it into something real. So what that means is the masculine energy is about initiative, is about followrough, is about vision, is about direction. And that means that the elevated side of the masculine power in a person is going to want to feel itself in this way, right? And the feminine side of things, right, is the concept of being able to receive that and and um be o being be open to receive it and then do something with it, right? So this is going to be the power of for example the power of vulnerability, the power of actualization, the power of unification, the power of alignment. And so often what's causing us issues is when we're not is when we're doing is when either we don't have confidence in the other person in terms of doing this or we are falling short um in being the in being the elevated version of that that we want to be. And so when we are in relationships, what we what we need to do is I believe and what's a big downfall for a lot of people is to be able to step forward in these in these arenas, right? And the problem with this is there's two basic problems that I come in contact with, which is essentially imit either immaturity, not stepping up or also fear. Fear that the other person isn't going to hold isn't going to hold where they're need where they need to be. But if we can go ahead together, ideally doesn't need to be, but ideally if we can go together and take steps to put forward who we need to be and what we need to be and how we need to be, then we can pull that off. So, so uh so what does this look like? Right? First and foremost, let's talk about the masculine power of giving forth. Right? So that means that first and foremost, I want to be clear on who I am, on what my purpose is, on the direction that I'm going in, on what I'm about, and follow up on that. I want to be my brand in the relationship. Okay? And so this also means being able to to be giving of self. What does giving of self look like? Giving of self means I'm not just talking about giving things, right? It means to be able to get past the surface that I'm experiencing and follow through in terms of being the person I want to be independent of what the other person is doing in this particular moment. Right? I give you an example how this plays out. Actually, let's take it away from couples for one second. Let's look at how it plays out with kids. Right? with kids. Um, you can see that if you ever see that ep like a like an episode of a kid uh, you know, being getting upset and saying to the parent, "You don't really understand me." And then thump thump goes up the step, slams the door, right? You don't understand me. What is that kid saying? That's kid saying, you don't really understand why I'm really good. you don't understand why I'm really at my core a good essence. So if we can get past what that kid is showing us externally and get in touch with like what Rabbi Nakman talks about the nikuda tova the good point how see how that person to be able to see the soul and the godly goodness instead of the the the show that the kid is showing on the surface. So then that's the kid who's able to feel like the parent really gets that that parent really gets me, right? And so what does that mean though? That means in for the for the parent that's doing that, for the person that's doing that, they're able to get outside of their initial response which would be receiving to be a person who is in a state of giving of self. Right? And when a person's in a state of giving of self that that means that there's an energy and there's a follow-through. Now the feminine side of this is the power of vulnerability. The power of vulnerability is often often has a uh often gets a bad rap. The power of vulnerability people believe that vulnerability means weakness. But we're going to see really vulnerability is coming from a place of strength. Right? For example, imagine you have a person who goes out on a first date and that date at the beginning the the person is like listen I don't know who how how's the other person going to react are they going to like me are they not going to like me so they start curbing themsel they start curbing who they really are and [clears throat] and because of this right they really lose their authenticity Right? And um [clears throat] and when they lose their their authenticity, there's there's a a feeling of lack of connection. Now, is that coming from a place of strength or is that coming from a place of weakness? Obviously, that's coming from a place of weakness and the person is not being vulnerable, right? So, just flip it around. If a person goes out on the date and they're like, "Look, I don't know if this other person's going to like me, but hey, might as well put my real self out there and see what happens." And so they go ahead and they're real and you know they're they're in a state of flow. So that's the person who's going to be open to be able to be connected to. But that person is coming from a place of strength. Correct? And so and so what often happens is when we're not in that place of vulnerability, it shuts down relationship. It shut it shuts down connection. Yeah. And so and so this is I I think the the fundamental I think this this is the fundamental idea in terms of the relationship when the man can be going ahead and giving forth energy and potential being forth giving forth who they are what they're about and uh the and the the women can come from a place the the wife can come from a place of being of opening herself up and um being able to put her authentic self out there. Um this opens the door for connection. The man is able to receive the woman from a coming from a place of authenticity and expression. And the woman is able to receive the man who's coming from a place of um giving forth really energy and follow through and able to and able to contain um where wherever she's at emotionally. Okay. Do you want to stop here? You wanna you want to go into questions? >> Yeah, let's go. Let's see where where it goes. This is I think this is the basic foundations and then the question from here is uh you know there's many places we can go from here. >> Okay. Let's take that as the opening and let's let's let's jump into it. Okay. We're going to take a a poll. Three questions here. Everybody answer to the best of your ability. And after the polls again, everybody wants to ask a question. You have Rebell over here. Anything text to me. Live questions go first. Here's the first question from the polls. Which dynamic do you notice more in your relationship? Four options. One of us moves moves towards fixing the other towards healing. Option two, we both try to fix and miss the emotion. It means very technical. We're trying to fix the problem. Or opposite, we both feel deeply but avoid structure. Or three, I never thought about it in this way. Second question, what do you think causes the most tension in relationships? Say in your relationship. Number one, unspoken expectations. Number two, emotional triggers from the past. Number three, different communication styles. Number four, fear of being vulnerable. Third question, what makes vulnerability hardest in relationship? Number one, fear of being judged. Number two, fear of being misunderstood. Number three, not knowing how to express it. And number four, what makes vulnerability the hardest in relationship is feeling like I have to stay strong. Okay, everybody vote and then we will share the results and then we'll do Khaz with Rebelli. Again, please text us partners anybody has any questions. Remember live questions go first. Okay, five more seconds. Five, four, 3, two, one. Here we go. First question. Which dynamic do you notice more in your relationship? The number one answer people are saying 40% one of us moves towards fixing and the other towards feeling. So there's always this miscommunication when when there's a issue. 12% say we both try to fix and miss emotion. 26% we both feel deeply but avoid structure. 20% they never thought of it this way. Hell, what do you think of the first question? So I think that this is pretty pretty standard and that you know there's a it's a it's kind of a uh um I don't know it's kind of even it's like a meme already that um men look to fix whereas women a lot of times want to be heard right so if someone expresses something um the man is looking to fix it and the woman wants wants to be heard she's not necessarily looking for a solution all the time or looking to um we're looking to to have an answer. Um whereas a man might a man would be looking for the opposite. Why would I be saying an issue or a problem if I don't want to solve that issue? And so this is a classic um this is a classic um example actually of the male female dynamic that I'm referring to here. Right? The masculine concept is the concept of having a direction, having a vision, looking to go ahead and to um follow through and uh you know going to a certain place. Whereas the feminine concept that concept of vulnerability is the concept of being in flow being in radiance being in being in the moment and so that there would be an aspect of experiencing the feeling there. So pretty pretty uh standard split there. Second question, what do you think causes the most tension in relationships? 24% unex unspoken expectations. The number one answer 36% emotional triggers from the past. Everybody feels triggered and they feel it's from the past. 18% different communication styles, 22% fear of being vulnerable. Rebelli, >> so um I I would say a couple of things here. Firstly, emotional triggers emotional triggers from the past is definitely very prevalent. I think that aspect of fear of being being vulnerable to be honest, I think that's under represented here from what I feel. Perhaps people don't realize a lot of times people also don't realize that that's what's going on. Um but emotional triggers from the past. Um here here's the here's the funny thing about about um triggers or the way it's spoken about in modern society is people will say you're triggering me. What you're doing is triggering me. But really of course the the idea of a trigger or the idea of a a trigger which is awakening a previous trauma. So that means [clears throat] to say then that the trauma is something that's from the past and therefore what's happening now could be something that's very normal. It could be hap it could be something that's totally fine or maybe something that's a little bit off but because of the trigger that's attached to that trauma from previous times. So then the reaction is way over the top. What that what that means then is not that we point outside of ourselves to tell everyone else or to tell our spouse that's it that's triggering you got to stop or whatever. maybe in the moment. Yes. And they should be understanding and empathetic. But but it's really on us to unhook those triggers and to heal those wounds from the past, right? And this is something I believe that's lost in modern, you know, modern society, at least outside of the Jewish world. Um there's a big focus on everybody having everybody stopping everyone else from doing or saying the thing they they want to do and say because how it affects me. The truth of course um is that that will never work and it's also not reasonable. Um the only the the the thing that we must do of course is look within and heal that which is coming within. If you have someone imagine you have a spouse that's going off the handle. Imagine you have a a woman who's married to a man that's that's uh you know gets very volatile because of something that happens or something that's said. So, of course, at at first, maybe it'd be nice if she'd be like, "Okay, I understand he's triggered from past experiences. Be empathetic. Okay, I understand that you feel this way. It's not your fault. It's based on what happened to you." Okay. But how how long will it take before she says, "Listen, I see what I I I get it. Maybe it's not your fault, but like if I'm going to have a relationship with you, if we're going to have a healthy relationship, you got to take care of this stuff. You got to heal this stuff. It can't be that um um we're walking around And basically you're so you you have a bunch of landmines and I'm dancing around on a bunch of landmines that are within you from your upbringing. And so this is something that's obviously extremely relevant and prevalent like like your like the poll demonstrates. Um I think it's also worthwhile about speaking to fear speaking a little bit about fear of being vulnerable. But that's the next question. >> Yeah. Speak that up in a little bit. Okay. Go ahead. >> Yeah. I just want to say when somebody but the trigger is like I once said this line as a joke but it's actually a very true comment. Somebody was saying something to me and they came over to me and said what you said you should just know triggered me like to tell me that it was triggering said I respect it. I'm letting you know that you just telling me that that triggered you just triggered me. So like where does the trigger where does the trigger you know I mean like everybody feels like they have like a because that trigger like everybody shuts down but it's really something for you to work on. It's not something that you could say hold up a sign that I have a trigger so everybody has to walk on eggshells. >> Last question. What makes vulnerability hardest in relationships? The number one answer, 33% of people fear of being judged, followed by 30% fear of being misunderstood, 27% not knowing how to express it, and 10% feeling like I have to stay strong. So, it seems like the fear of being judged and misunderstood is like the number one overall answer, right? >> Yeah, I have I have um I have a different one. I think fear of being judged, I would have worded it differently. I would have said I would have put it as fear of being rejected, right? um which maybe is connected to fear of being judged, but I I do think that that for a lot of people um is uh is the issue at hand, right? So, for example, I give you my stereotypical example. Imagine a husband and wife are married for a while and then the wife is uh goes over to the husband and she says and she says, "You don't ever take me out anymore. We never go on any more dates." So, I mean, what's the response of that husband going to be? Some husband, some husbands will be like, "Well, now I'm not taking you out." Other husbands will be more like, "Okay, okay, yeah, let's go out. Sure." Um, but what if the woman were to approach the husband in that situation and say to him, "You know, I would love to go out on a date with you sometime this week." Much more inviting, right? Most if if things are generally okay in the relationship, then the guy would probably want to step forward. I I believe that the mascul the inner masculine aura of a guy number one number one feeling of the guy in the relationship is that he wants to put a smile uh on this per on his wife's face. So so why so why is it that a lot of times women won't ask this way, right? Why is it that a lot of times it'll get to a place of you don't ever ask you don't ever want to take me out on you don't ever we don't ever go on any dates anymore? because there's a level of there's a level of there's kind of a level of uh of control in that, right? Because you're giving over the impression that you're going to have hell to pay if we don't go out on the date, right? And and um because of that, um there's a lack of vulnerability, right? Because what makes this a healthy relationship is you're going to have two people, two free people, two free selves making choices to choose towards one another. But when I'm trying to take away certain options, the option of not going on the date, I try to twist the other person's arm out of certain options. So there's there's a loss in the connectivity uh of that relationship, right? There's a that there's a lack of vulnerability there, right? Vulnerability means I put myself out there. It doesn't mean I don't say anything. It doesn't mean I don't express myself. It doesn't mean I don't express my emotions, my desires, my wants, my needs, but it means I express them in a way where I'm sharing, but I'm not locked in to the result. That's the difference between um expressing and sharing on the one hand versus controlling on the other hand. Right? If I'm can if I can express and share the thing that I want, the thing that I desire without being attached without being attached to the result, okay, that's great. That's awesome. That's healthy and we should all be doing that. But if I'm attached to a result, so then um I've now stepped into a realm of I've now stepped in away from authentic expression and into a realm of control. And the truth is that every time we make a choice towards away from we speak or express ourselves or communicate in a way of control instead of a way of vulnerability. We we lose a piece of we lose connection in the relationship. We lose emotional intimacy in the relationship because again what makes relationship is those is two two two free selves making a choice towards one another. If when we take that away so then there's a certain lack of connection that takes its place. So we should understand that calculation and think about it like a math calculation. There's no way to get around this. There's no way to cut corners on this. To the extent any time that we are making a choice away from vulnerability and towards control, we are taking away we are chipping away at the emotional intimacy of our relationship. That's a that's a that's a a very big and important clal and I find it to be extremely relevant in dealing with couples and um and um yeah and so this this plays out in many many many ways right there's many different ways that people can either whether it be manipulation or whatever um whether it could be by yelling it could be by guilting it could be by crying it could be doesn't matter. Um, again there's a difference between expression of authentic feelings versus I I need I need the result to be this thing. If not, I don't know what I'm going to do. If not, I don't know what's going to be. So that feeling, right, that feeling and that fear often leads us to abandon a healthy communication and step into unhealthy control. When we are able instead of instead of uh going to control, if we're able to feel that fear and lean into vulnerability anyway, that's where the magic happens. That opens the door to real connection uh in in the relationship, right? And um this is a this is so relevant and I'll tell you why. Because the more that the control takes place, let's say in especially when it's if it's especially if it's women uh to men, right? Especially if a woman is talking or communicating in the way of of of that's and and the man is allowing it to happen as well and falling into it. So when that happens, it's not just about going out on a date. That's just one example. When that's the dynamic, it's happening over and over and over again. It's happening numerous times a day. when that becomes more or less the dynamic in the relationship. So that man over and over and over again loses a piece of himself, loses a piece of his remember what's the masculine all about? It's the concept of direction. It's the concept following through. It's the concept of having who I am, where I'm going, and pushing forward in that direction. the more the more a person goes against his his inner voice or goes against his domain of you know the choices that he wants to make because he's afraid that he's going to have hell to pay or whatever else it is. [clears throat] So when that happens over and over and again this person becomes a shell of himself right and even though the woman is getting the different things maybe some level of the different things that she wants of course she's not getting the highest level right even she knows that she that um there's a certain you know he's he's not coming he's not choosing from the higher side of himself she's allowing it kind of allowing it to happen the more and that happens over and over again then she also feels like she doesn't have a man she's also not happy in the end of the day when she's successful with this by the way the flip side is also true the flip side is also true If if men um try to uh don't like that their woman let's say is expressive or emotional or um you know she she can be emotional at certain times or in his mind in his way of looking at it not rational about certain things. So the more that he that frustrates him and he tries and he do does things to try to control her and put her in his box of how of being rational and not expressing emotions or being rational and making the making all things happen the way he thinks it should be. So when that happens over and over again after a while even though the worst thing that he could do is be successful because then she lo because then after a while he looks at her and says you know what I'm not feeling the same way I felt anywhere. What happened to that emotional excitement? What happened to that vulnerability? What happened to that expressiveness? What happened to that flowy nature? What happened to that radiance and that glow that is gone? Because it's a mida. It's a mida. You can't chop off half them half the mida over here and then expect it to still be present over there. Right. It's kind of like in the story in the Gmorrah where [clears throat] where the the Rabanim got together and did some kind of cabalistic thing in order to break the tyra for a des. So what did they notice afterwards that now there's also no nava because it's a dynamic. It's two sides of one coin. You can't chop off the place that you don't that you don't like it and then expect expect it to also be existing in the place where you do want it to exist. And so the alternative for the man in that situation is we need to learn how to dance with the feminine. We need to learn what a woman is. We need to learn what the nature of a woman is and to become okay with it and to be able to be to expand of ourselves in order to uh to allow it to be and to and to dance with it and um and to celebrate it as opposed to trying to chop chop it and fit it in to the way we see things. >> Okay, let's get into it tonight. Again, everybody wants to ask a question. Please take Barnes. Let's go to the first live question. You're on. >> Hi, good evening. Um my question is if um husband is unhappy about something with his wife and the wife uh is trying to have a conversation to see you know what went wrong and what solution can be found and the husband refuses to talk and he just says you know he just leaves the home. He just leaves the house because he is not happy about it and he doesn't want to talk. Um how would and and that's a consistent thing. How would you handle um a husband like this? >> So, [clears throat] so um I can only speak to you about you know I can only speak to the questioner about the question um and I can say okay what can we do on your end. So then my the only thing I would examine is how the person is how the husband is being approached or when he speaks. Um is it received the way he intends or is it um or are his words um perhaps are his words twisted in some kind of way? Again, I'm only speaking to, you know, in this case the in this case a wife asking the question. So I can only speak to her about what's going on on her side of the street, right? It could be that there's something on his side of the street that's not okay. But but um so I would say okay, are we asking the question or approaching conversation um and communication in a way where he feels when where he feels heard and that doesn't necessarily mean even uh necessarily agreed with. But does he feel like it's landing? Does he feel like it's landing with you? And does he feel also like he's being communicated with in a way that that he can actually that he can actually express himself from a of in in whatever way he wants to express himself. A lot of times people in conversations try to kind of ch put away cut away certain um certain potential things of what a person could say wants to keep it within a certain opt options right there's a certain level of control there. um is is um what so so I would I would take a look at in general what's the in the relationship what is the history of communication what is he what is he expecting to what is the kind of response that he's expecting based on previous um communication interactions in the relationship right so that's var again it's variable it varies on you know your own personal situation um but um but definitely the way to also approach approach it is um not in the heat of the moment also that's an important thing as well is um if you're if there's something going on right now and then you need to talk about it here talk about so then a lot of times that doesn't work emotion is high that doesn't work if we can find another time also to approach it when things are calm um also that can be helpful as well in a way that is gentle in a way that is open in the way that's expressive but also not limiting not um not trying to box anyone in and not and making sure not to misinterpret the person. A lot of times also um people um um a lot of times for example in this example a lot of times let's say women um can the the man will want to express something and the woman has a certain vision of the different options of what she thinks is reasonable and then she tries to interpret the thing that the man is saying within one of those options as opposed to hearing as opposed to hearing really what he wants to say. So after a while, if a man isn't feeling heard or isn't feeling received, he feels kind of stupid within himself. He feels uh like kind of stupid, you know, really sharing um you know, real like like you know, continuing down that path. Um so I would I would look at that. I would look at what are the patterns of communication. What has he perhaps complained about in the past in terms of either not being received or the communication not being real? Sometimes people use that kind of language. Um, and so I would look at that and I mean I guess I'm not sure you know the specifics of situation but I would look I would look at that. >> Thank you. >> Very good. So like you mentioned many times it's the result of trying to have a conversation in the past and based on that you know they might shut down. But here's a question that I guess the man sent in. At work and in the world, I communicate clearly and confidentially. You know, they do a great job communicating, but with my spouse, I shut down and get reactive. Why does the person I love most feel the hardest to talk to? >> So, if he's asking himself, he's asking himself why he's shutting down. He's aware of the pattern and he's aware of why it's so hard for him to come into the room and communicate the way he does at work or um I would say is there a fear there? I would ask I would ask is there a fear there? Does he fear that if he has something that he has to say does he fear he's going to be looked at in is he g does he fear that she's going to look at him as he's stupid? Does she does he fear that that somewhere in there he has he has hell to pay? Um does he I I would uh I would >> let's say he does let's say he has those fears >> right? So a lot of times and men do this a lot a lot of times and women also that um people want to they figure okay let me let me just be quiet because I don't want to rock the boat. Um problem is then we don't get to have real real and realer or deeper uh relationship then um however sometimes that requires um learning the skills of that we're talking about here um in order to build in order to build um um ways of communicating and that does take two to tango people like to talk about when relationships don't work well I guess somehow they were both at fault and both could have better. Yeah, it could very well be the case, but really really not necessarily. It could be that it's it only takes one to make war and takes takes two to make peace and harmony, but only takes one to make war. So um but um so we we both need both men and women um you know we need need to be need to be looking to to to make communication conducive and mature and refined. Um, and that means being open to where is this communication, where is this relationship going to go. But that means that I want to hear and I'm open to hearing what the man has to say. I'm open to hearing what the woman has to say. It doesn't mean we're going to do it, right? So, it doesn't mean we're going to do the thing that the man is expressing or it doesn't mean we're going to do the thing that the woman isn't expressing, but we need to be if we want to build get to that next level of actually having a real and a deep and a meaningful and authentic and expressive relationship, we need to be able to open that anything is on the table to to talk about it or any any desires are open to to be able to be expressed and then we'll see what we go with it. The problem is a lot of pe for a lot of a lot of people rather rather not go there. A lot of people rather not go there because they're afraid with having to deal with what happens when I say this thing. How is that other person going to react? >> Yeah. >> So, what's uh let's let's uh role play what or or discuss a skill. Let's say for those who tried um we always we're always scared how they're going to respond. Let's say we tried many times and the response wasn't the way we wanted. So, what's a skill that I can learn? you know the person that's trying so that when they when the spouse responds in a way that you know you don't you don't like how can we continue instead of shutting down. It could be that we can say we can at a again at a calm time we can sit down and and say exactly what we just said here like I see that I like I really need to I want us to have a close relationship and for me relationship means that we're able to really communicate what's on our heart. Don't you want to really be able to communicate what's on your heart? Yes. Okay. So So how about if we do that? How about if I'm able to How about if I express myself and you just hear it and it's okay. It doesn't mean anything. Just hear me for what I want to share and it it there's no strings attached and I'll do the same for you. So you're saying beforehand discuss I'm going to say something and what do I expect instead of leaving it you know taboo and then hoping who knows what it's going to look like. >> Yeah. >> Sit down and you discuss what you want it to look like. And for some people they feel like that's not real relationship because that's just play like you know talking about it beforehand. Would you consider that real relationship? Is that is that real? A real relationship? >> I would say that that's real. Why? Why wouldn't it be real? >> It's it's more like Okay, let's try this out. >> Yeah, but I'll tell you I'll tell you why it's real. I'll tell you why it's real. Because it's respectful. Because it's respect. It's treating one another with respect. And that's real, right? Um, sometimes people think for some reason that, well, [clears throat] if I'm going to change how I'm acting, if I'm going to change how I'm responding, so then you're trying to you're trying to change me and that's just part of my personality. I'm a person who acts like this or responds like this. That's just who I am. Well, hold on a second. If that is not respectful for the other person, then then shouldn't that be something that we changed? Maybe it's not just part of your personality. Maybe it's it's who maybe it's who have you maybe it's who you've been or maybe it's how you've been. But it's not that if it's not respectful, it's not part of your personality. It could be a me it could be it could be a bad mid, I guess, but it's not part of like your authentic essential self, right? If it's something that's negative or something that's reactive. Um, and so if it's respectful, it can be part of a real relationship, right? And if the person says, "Well, that's not really who I am. I'm doing something unnatural." The answer is, "Yeah, okay." Yeah, it's not natural for you in this moment, but that's okay. Everything that we ever did that was better. Anytime we level up at first, it's not natural. Like uh like the Maharal and others teach that if you want to get to the next level, you need to kill the level before it, right? That's why he says like you have an egg an egg before a chick develops it needs to become a place there needs to be a vacancy in that place right very famously if you take a seed and you put it in the ground before it grows into a plant it needs to rot it needs to decay if a person wants to grow muscles so they go to the weight room they go to the gym they start lifting the weights and it's destroying the muscles that were already there before the stronger muscles come and take it come and take its place or grow in its place Right. Yeah. It's Yeah. When we change a when we're looking to upgrade or looking to change um a reactive probably negative pattern to be something that's better and more respectful. Yes. It's going to be unnatural. Everything that we always do uh that involves leveling up is something that's at first unnatural. Once I one time I'm I'm blessed to we're b we're blessed here to have a lot of people over for Shabbat meals and stuff. So one time after Shabbat meal I was hosting like an on egg over here and um we did a lot of people with a lot of people who come from non-religious backgrounds and so one time there was this girl here and she says you know I've been learning for a few weeks in one of these schools here in Jerusalem and she says you know a lot of this Jewish stuff it's very not natural and I said yeah yeah you're right it's not natural because you naturally we come into this world in a certain way yes and a lot of this Jewish stuff is not natural the idea is we're going above the natural, right? And so, and so there's nothing wrong with something feeling at first not natural. First, we want to we want to ask ourselves, is this something am I moving from negative to positive? Am I upgrading who I am? Upgrading my personality, upgrading the kind of person I'm being. Okay. So, then this is a good thing. And if it was negative beforehand, then that's not a good thing. You call it your personality. So, then what? What are you saying? You have you're saying you're saying you have bad needles then. Okay. So, let's upgrade. >> Beautiful. >> Yeah. Let's go to the next question. Somebody just sent in. I really want closess in my relationship, but we keep ending up in the same hamster wheel of arguments. I added that in. Why do we keep on repeating the same patterns even when we both want things better? We discussed this in the past, but every time the issue comes up, it's like the same repetitiveness. How do we deal with that? >> Yeah. So, so look, it's a there's a couple of there's a couple of things as we've mentioned. Number one is the is the triggers and the traumas and all of that, right? That is the number that is the the the prerequisite issue is where are we as individuals where are we as people um [clears throat] and then a lot of it also I believe has to do with this male female dynamic that if we're not um if the when when the man is not in his game or the woman is not on her game so then we fall to the lower side of ourselves and drag the other person down and drag down the relationship. So I think those are those are two key issues. But look, there's many other things. There's there's also for example, we sometimes we interpret things in ways that they're not really that are not really there. But again, that probably has to do with stuff from our past as well. But like for example, certain things can happen and then we can make it mean things that it doesn't really mean, right? Person shows up late. Okay, so what does it mean? Well, it could just mean the person showed up late or you can say this person treats me like garbage. they don't care about me. Would they show up late if it was a king? So, you know, we can take we we have to be able to get to a place. For example, just using this example, the difference between let's say a healthy relationship versus a non-healthy entanglement. One example of that would be am I seeing what the thing is for itself? seeing what happened for on its own or am I implying am I implying and adding an interpretation on top of that thing that happened or that thing that was done right if I'm adding an interpretation and getting all upset about that so that's probably based on something from my past but can I go ahead and actually just see the thing the naked truth of the thing itself without adding a lavush without adding an interpretation or an angle of perception on it. Matter of fact, a good exercise for doing this is a little bit of a CBT kind of thing is can you think in your own mind of just different things that could have happened other than the fact that they didn't care about you? Just think about other things. Maybe there was traffic. Maybe they went somebody passed out and they went and helped pick them up off the street. Maybe. Okay, think of things. Some of them could be crazy. Some of them could be not crazy. And then and then you can actually inquire from a place of curiosity. Oh, why were you late? You know, or oh, you're 20 minutes late. Why? Why? Why were Why were Why were you 20 minutes late? And you can from a purely place of curiosity. By the way, if it turns out that the person doesn't respect you, you reserve the right later to get upset for them to get upset later. Don't worry. You don't lose the ability to get upset at the person for not respecting you. But hold on. Maybe it wasn't that. So, at least let's let's don't worry. You're not abandoning. If you want to get upset, you can do it later. But let's see. Maybe may maybe you're right that a person wasn't respecting you, but maybe you're not. So, we can inquire from a place of curiosity and instead of having an interpretation in our own mind and then applying it and then and then we're coming at them as an attack instead of h why were [clears throat] you late, you're going to why were you late and coming from this place of attack and challenge and criticism, right? Once once I was at a u at a um um I have to call it a marriage workshop. It wasn't marriage work. It was I think it was a it was a training of um Dr. John Gottman. Some probably some people have heard of him before. He's very famous uh marriage relationship guru. And so he's doing a thing here in Israel actually for a couple of days. Me and my wife went and and um and he sw and actually actually we had a little with him. And so one of the things he said to us, my wife has some question or something. And so one of the things he said to us is one of the biggest moves in marriage is to go one of the biggest upgrades or improvements in marriage is to go from a from is to go from what the hell is this to h what the hell is this? And and that's what we're talking about here, right? So there's many different things that can be causing our patterns. Again, how it could be our interpretations. It could be this mas male female dynamic that we don't have on point. It could be previous triggers and traumas. And then based on that, someone says something or does something that reminds us of something consciously or unconsciously and it awakens a certain response. There could be, you know, you know, it's like people ask, okay, imagine someone asks, "How do you win a chess?" And it depends what the other guy's doing. You know what I mean? Like, uh, why are we going in patterns? I don't know. We have to delve in there. You're invited to, uh, reach out, uh, contact, you're invited to contact me, ellie the [email protected], and, uh, we can, you know, we can delve into it if you're interested. >> Amazing. So, you're saying the first part is to recognize the trigger. You never know where it's coming from, just to see it. And then you you're giving them permission to to be uh upset later. You don't have to be upset right away. You know, if if you let me be upset later, maybe I can slow down now and be curious and to see maybe I could be upset. Maybe I won't be. I'm not sure. Let's find out. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. Why not? There's a lot of value in that pause also. Anyway, >> I'm right. I'm wondering the masculine feminine idea is not it's not it's sometimes we have in ourselves both the the the masculine part and the feminine part maybe different areas in life is is that correct I'm saying >> the the the husband and the wife could be sometimes vice versa every situation can be is >> of course we are we're dualistic like we learn in cabala you have the right side you have a left side you have right brain you have left brain You have right arm, you have left arm, you have right leg, you have left leg. And uh so of course we have both and [clears throat] it's actually with the within the union of both is where we have joy, right? Like we said, the right side or the male side is the concept of giving forth energy and potential. The left side or the feminine side is the concept of receiving that energy and potential and actualizing it into something real. When of course you need both to have anything. You need that burst of inspiration, that big concept, that idea, that direction. And then you need the ability to go ahead and put that into play. You need and actualize it. You have you have the visionary, right? You can have like in a company, you have the visionary, you call that right brain, hololism, male side of things. Um, and [clears throat] then you have the administrator. That would be the left side. Um, and the administrator and and right, which takes that which takes the big the big idea and and brings it down. That'sma and bina, right? Is the letters kah which means grand potential, grand capacity, grand strength, grand idea. That's the light bulb moment. If you ever watch a cartoon, you see a light bulb going off over the person character's head. That's a moment. And then you have bina which is from the word bon which means to build which builds the idea of a person can have a grand idea. I want to build a house. Very nice. But hold on a second. uh how many floors is going to be and where the bathroom's going to go and how's the wiring going to go and where we're going to put the stairway and all of that is beina how do we practically how do we practically uh um build that idea of so so that's going to idea that's going to be on the level of of of mind okay and it goes down also in the levels of action etc but but we don't have anything without both and when we have both when we merge both that's where joy happens because unlike What um you know what society wants to uh preach to us or the misconception we have from society in many ways is that society wants to put in the in our mind that our joy is a dependent that it's dependent on how much stuff we get right uh how much you know like like put the put the equation in the back of our mind that if only I had that blank then I'd be happy if only I had that girl if only I had that guy if only I had that job if only I had that car if only I had that six figure income if only I had those looks, if only I had that figure, if only I had that life, then I'd be happy. What happens? Imagine one day I get one of those things. Imagine I get something big. Imagine I win the lottery. So then, yeah, of course you're going to have a high from that. But that high, even the psychologist will tell you that high will last no longer than six weeks. Then you come down from that high and you're back in the same emotional state you were before, just with more money. Now, most of us, hey, you know, that doesn't sound so bad. But point is that our level of joy isn't going to be about what we receive. Yes, I do need to receive a certain amount of food, water, companionship in order to get by. But that's survival. Real thriving isn't going to have anything to do with what we get. It's much more to do with what we give forth. The extent I clarify who I really am, what I'm really here for, what's the bigger picture, what's my place in it? And I actually go ahead and start doing some of this stuff, living this stuff out day in and day out. It might not be easy. might not be comfortable, but if everything is healthy, I'm going to be feeling a certain expansion of self. I'm going to feeling a certain fullness. And this is really, I think, what we mean by joy that if we could put a oneliner on it all, I think we would say that joy is the experience of actualizing the reality of who you are. The experience of actualizing the reality of who you are. So, what is that in terms of the context we're talking about here? In terms of the context we're talking about here, that is the union of masculine side of yourself and feminine side of yourself. You have an energy and potential. And then how how much do I go ahead and actualize that? So that merging is that experience of fullness is that experience of joy. So what we're doing is we're saying just like that exists within the individual. So also it exists on the level of the couple. It exists on the level within within within the individual. It's bright side and the male side of the person. Within the couple that's stereotyp typically male the the guy and the girl. Could it be flipped from time to time? Sure. But a lot of times what you'll find is even when they do when a lot of times not always a lot of times when even when they work out some kind of flip uh the woman's going out making the money the guy is um I don't know at home more with the kids or whatever a lot of times even if they work it out people there there a for a lot of people again not everyone but even the ones who do it a lot of people there's still a feeling like right that woman is still might have a feeling I don't have I don't have a man >> you know what I So, so while it could be done and sometimes it does work, even the times though where it seems like it's working, people often times still feel like it's on the surface. It's working and it shows up that it's working and the mice it's working in and the pane the pine they feel like that woman feels like she doesn't have a man a lot of the time. You know what I mean? And maybe also vice versa. Maybe the man also feels like he's doesn't have a woman who's aligned with him or is flowing with him or whatever it is. But definitely more the other side. The woman a lot of times as a man. Yeah. Go ahead. >> Let's go. We have a lot of live questions. Let's go. You're on. >> Oh, sorry. Apologies. Okay. Go ahead. I don't know. I don't see the questions. My bad. Go ahead. >> Did I go? >> Yes. >> Okay. Um Okay. So, I'll just read the message that I um put in the chat and then I'll explain further. Okay. So um so I'm dating someone who like makes like jokes about people like blacks pock sometimes makes comments like about women um and then he'll quote like this therapist Jordan Peterson who says you know someone someone would man manipulate like that's their thing and and also there was one thing there was a chair that I had flipped over I was like and he moved it I was like he adjusted I was like oh I wouldn't be able to do that he's like oh that's women like just like making these jokes or whatever you want to call them these generalizations I don't really like them. Um, and then he and he didn't like that. He said, you know, in yeshivish circles that's how people talk. And I said, you know, if you realize the impact, like he wouldn't do it. And he didn't like that either. He says, oh, it's just a joke. Like that's your issue, not my issue. Um, he said he doesn't want to feel like he has to walk on eggshells. So, am I being like overly sensitive? Is this a cultural thing? Like he's Yeshivish and I'm not, or is he like gaslighting me? gaslighting you guys. You got all the shinyness. Okay. So, [laughter] um so um what's it called? Firstly, what one thing I would say is one thing I would say off the bat is don't think that anything's going to change. That's the first thing I would share with you. Don't think that anything's going to change. Don't think you're going to get married to this dude. He's not going to do it anymore. He's not going to talk that way anymore. The person he's he's expressing things that he has a certain level of belief in. Right? Maybe the pull-up jokes, maybe not. But the stuff with the women and whatever, there's probably some belief there. Um, so, so he's going to believe that. And if he believes that, that's going to come out to a certain extent. Is that good? Is that bad? Is that neutral? Uh, I don't know. But, um, but, um, I would, the first thing that pops out of me just listening to you is, um, it's not coming from nothing like it's based on something that he does, uh, believe, right? [snorts] Um, is it something you just mentioned something else? you mentioned something about yeshivas and and then you said you're not I would also look at that right um a lot of times for women who are dating I tell them one thing that they should you know a lot of times people ask me what should I be looking for whatever I say there's a couple different answers I have but one of them is um look to a person look um look to a guy and say is this someone who I want to align with is this someone who I am ready and willing and excited to align line with, right? They used to call it, they used to call marriage getting hitched, right? I want to hitch my wagon to this person. Do I want to hitch my wagon to this person? Is this person who I'm ready to align with? I'm ready to take on their path. I'm ready to support them in their path. I would look at it like that. A lot of times people will go into dating and say, "Okay, well this person, are we a match?" So, usually when people are thinking, "Are we a match?" They're thinking at least 50% maybe more that I'm looking that person's going to match me, right? Some women also um are looking are thinking about it like imagine a wedding, right? And they're taking the wedding pictures, right? And so a lot of times and not and this in a lot of times there there'll be women who their vision is they're looking at their whole extended family with them there and then the man is there, right? The man often times is looking at it like there's and maybe not always, but a lot of times a man's looking at like there's the the picture of the man and the wife on on their own. A lot of times the w a lot of times the women are looking at it from a place um of basically he's going to come he's going to be my person within that family picture of my family. >> So that's not a good place for a man to be. So also I would think about it like that as I would think about this as well. Right? Am I looking Apologies for the background noise if you can hear that. Um um I I would look at it like is this is this am am I looking and excited accepting of merging myself with him of aligning with him of being of support to him of being a part of his family. Um, I would I would consider that also um based on just on based on listening to I don't remember what the real question was, but this is just stuff that's po that popped out at me. >> Um, yeah. No, I hear you about the alignment thing. I mean, there's other things that are good, but this is something that I'm just like stuck on. Like, we almost spent the whole day talking about it, [laughter] you know, and it was it was it's not even just that. It's more does he take I don't know like accountability like I I don't know there's just like some stuff that don't like making these comments now he makes worse comments than that um but that he did take ownership for and he said he would talk about it in therapy he definitely has issues with women so um the other comments are whatever I won't even go into it but um but that he that are more severe than this and I just told him I was like it's weird like people just don't talk like that. >> Look, a lot of people a lot of people like to ask like this. Would you like your kids to be like this dude? >> Well, we're not going to have kids together. We're like older. You know what I'm saying? Like it's a second >> Oh, you s Okay. You sound much. >> Yeah. No, it would Yeah, I'm much older. So, it that that's not an issue. Like we we we're not going to have kids like you know. >> Okay. Okay. >> Yeah. We have kids from our previous marriages and Okay. >> gonna happen. So it's just more um I still feel like uncomfortable like it's just like ooh like how how do you say this? >> So then what's it called? So then I would go even further and say listen the saying this stuff these opinions are solidified. It's not like uh these opinions are solidified over time. You know what I mean? I know I'm supposed to say everyone can change technically it's true. Um but um >> yeah, so he takes accountability for some other stuff, not for this. Um but he's like, "No, this is you. This is your issue." Like, "This is just a joke." Like in the fact that you're so sensitive is is your sensitivity. It's a joke. He's had other people relationships and they didn't take it seriously, but I do. And he and if I put it on him, he's like, "I'm not going to take responsibility for the way you feel, you know, and it's like, okay, so maybe I mean, we just dated for one week, so it's not like very, you know, but I'm like, should I give it more time? Like, should I like not talk about this stuff and just talk about other stuff that we do align with, you know, >> that that is up to you. Well, I will tell you based on what you're saying, it sounds to me that the guy definitely believes some of this stuff, you know, and maybe that's fine. I don't know. you have to decide. But um but the idea that the idea that it's just the idea that it's just talk, >> you know, um >> I don't know. I don't know about that. >> If he doesn't change, are you willing to go into this knowing that he's not going to change? Maybe he will. >> No, he's not. He's not. He made it very this thing. He's not changed. He told me he's not. So that's very clear. The question is like is am I being overly sensitive about this? >> Well, again, so then we go rabid maybe help us. Let's say somebody's married and they have this situation. How would you guide How would you guide her with the husband uh you know triggering? I'm I'm sorry Connie we're taking it to somewhere else but you know helping somebody that's married in a situation like this. >> Um I would I would go into if I was dealing with them I would go into the com I would go into the uh I would go into the the the comments more and and see okay which ones are more which comments are more kind of the the kind that bite versus which are more a statement on more general statements like I'm trying to talk about here. I mean some of the stuff I'm talking about here people might be upset about. You know what I mean? I don't know what awakens for people sometimes but but um but it's not meant in any kind of negative way. Um so there are certain things which come off more negative and there are certain things which are going to be in the realm of more neutral and I would definitely tell the person to at least and the stuff that's that comes off negative I would I would tell them like look you on your own you want to be a good person you want to be a good husband you want to be whatever so so like these things which cause pain which cause pain to your average person so maybe it's not the right thing to to to talk in this way um and then maybe also discourage the other stuff. But like, you know, it's okay. People can also talk and people can also have an opinion and people can also say what their belief is. Um, but if there are things that are more on the nasty side, so why do you need to be nasty for it? It doesn't matter. It's true. It's not true. It's not relevant. >> It's an under it's an undertone of of of not nice, whatever it is, right? So again, if you're good with it, great. If you're not, it's also great. It's your decision, but it's the undertone. Forget about what the actual comment is. Let's go to the next live question. Hi. Um, I wanted to know what could a wife do if a husband frequently retreats in into himself um and is not no longer present in the relationship for any amount of time and it's not due to anything that the wife did or didn't do. It has to do with his own trauma and the times where >> Can you explain an example so we could understand? >> Um, not really an example. just he could be very very present and in the relationship and um it could be a great dynamic and then it'll just be periods of time where he'll I guess more distracting himself and more >> what what what period how much is the period of time >> usually not it's not necessarily specific >> but I'm saying we're talking about a few hours we're talking about a few days we're talking about for a month >> could be a week or Um I I I don't know. Um I wouldn't make the I wouldn't make the biggest deal about it. Meaning like it is a norm it is a semi-normal thing for a man to number for a man to appear this way to a woman to talk less or to be more um you know men need their time in their cave that kind of thing as well. Um, and I would just say to be inviting. I would say to be inviting, to be soft. Um, and to not attack him about it as much as possible. You can you can check in with him. Everything. Okay. What's up? Um, but I I definitely wouldn't become a nag. That's one thing I would >> How frequent how frequent is is normal for it to happen and for how long? Like >> I don't know. But um um but it's um if the person does have you know issues and all the traumas and all the other things that are people are popularly like to talk about these days. Um so you know if the person can if if if you think or if the two of you think that this is somehow if this is at play then then okay maybe he can look at that. Um maybe there is stuff he's trying to distract himself from and I don't know what he's using to distract but um if it's not dangerous then you know some distractions are okay sometimes. I mean the guy literally doesn't talk to you for a week then yeah maybe there's an issue there. But um is that what we're saying? Is that we're saying the guy doesn't talk to you for a week? Is she there? >> Sorry. No, no, that's not what I'm saying. >> Not what you're saying. Okay. So, the guy just seems emotionally distant. You're saying guy just seems like a little distant, like he's uh distracted or whatever. >> Yeah. >> I I don't know. I don't know. I'm not I'm not sure. Maybe some of the other uh coaches here have something to share, but um I I wouldn't get too I wouldn't get uh >> more specific. They can reach out to you. >> Okay. Of course, people are welcome to reach out. Uh >> every situation be different. Yeah, >> that's true. 100%. Ellie thejuwgmail.com >> and then uh you can hit up WhatsApp eventually, too. But okay, one thing at a time. So, [clears throat] >> let's go to the next live question. >> Hi. >> Hello. >> Yes. [clears throat] >> Yes. Hi. I have I'm speaking. Yes. >> Yes. Yes, you're speaking. >> Yes. Yes. I just Okay. Uh, Rabbi Deutsch, right? I'm pronouncing it right. I want to ask you a question based on what you said uh about trauma. Okay. So, trauma is uh uh not easy. It's a difficult thing, right? It's a process different traumas of course to work through, right? And therapy and everything. My question is this. If the trauma is not healed totally or to a great degree, it will be continuously impacting the a relationship a person is in right and future relationship. It's like a threshold that a person is same threshold that a person is going to be uh trembling right let's say let's if if let's say it's a parallel something let's say for example a person's leg ankle is not healed right you're as you're walking right I'm comparing it to life you're always falling over it's always like a vulnerable um right >> a sensitive [laughter] uh sensitive tender thing. Yeah. >> Yes. Yes. And and what if it's uh for example trauma that a person picked up in a relationship between their parents that was never addressed and it's somewhere like uncon. >> Yeah. >> You understand? Let's say I'm talking you know from >> course. Of course. Yeah. What you're saying is pretty is very normal. >> So what's the question? One minute. I'm up. [snorts] One second. If not, we'll go to the next question. You have to unmute again. You're muted. >> Okay. >> Yeah, there you are. >> Okay. >> Yes. Yes. Perfect. Uh, so it has to be worked on, right? It's not some things are uh you know like a question answer or a question you know >> but trauma it's uh >> yes so there there's a need that we need to uh there's different ways there are different paths there different modalities >> by which to uh heal trauma right so there's all sorts of different ideas about it and different paths and the person um ideally should find someone who can help them to to with different modalities. Different people are experts on different modalities, different pathways to um heal trauma. For example, there's inner child work. There's cognitive behavioral therapy, there's hypno hypnotherapy, all sorts of somatic uh different things having to do with the body connection with the mind. All sorts of different things um that can be potentially um appro different methods that by which we can approach these things in order to heal. And so yeah, it's upon everybody to do their best to heal themselves. Um that's ideally before marriage but the reality is that a lot of stuff comes up later and so then within marriage as well to be in order that we should be the most healed and upgraded version of ourselves for ourselves and for our spouses and for our families and for our relationship with Hashem. >> Thank you so much. >> I appreciate Thank you. >> Thank you. >> Let's go to the next live question. Hi. How are you? >> Oh, hi. I really appreciate um hearing the perspective from a man's point of view. It's super helpful and um so my question is my husband and I both work at home. We've been doing this basically since co and so we like run into each other a lot during the day and he is the type of likes his alone time. He likes to be in his cave but he's a sweet wonderful guy. But I I feel like what comes up often is I'll ask him a question or I'll ask him to do something kind of during the day, you know, and check in because we're constantly kind of running into each other and it seems like he'll I'll often annoy him like he's I was kind of he had his earbuds in, he was listening to something or he was doing something and it's very hard to know like when to approach him. And I think that I mean what I'm hearing is it's not good to be controlling. And so I mean what's the best way to respond if like when I ask him to do something or I ask him a question I he sounds like he's totally annoyed with me because I I interrupted whatever he was doing. I feel like there's never it's just hard to it's just hard to >> Yes. >> avoid it sometimes and I worse. So I I I think from listening to you I'm realizing maybe I just need to back off. Just give them space. Just ignore it. Just say this is just how it is. Don't take it personally. >> Yeah. Yeah. So firstly, let me just say that when uh you know I started with this stuff, started with this work whatever while it's you know a long time ago. So the thing that they used to say to the guys was come back home. Don't be a workaholic. who nobody ever was upset about on their deathbed that they spent not enough time in the office. You know, that's why why are you working till 10 o'clock at night in the office, come home, whatever. Now it's flipped. Now it's not come back home. Now it's get out of the house. That's what we're saying to the men now. And I try to tell men to leave, make sure they're out of the house at least four or five hours a day. And you know, a lot of them have excuses. So, I have my work set up here. I have my three screens. I have my whatever. So, I'm not quite sure what to do with that. But yeah, you run into a couple of problems. Firstly, a man needs to be out in the world. That's number one. Number two is also for the woman. A lot of women feel like they they like their space is being imposed upon. He's being infringed upon. I need my space. I feel like I'm being watched or observed or I feel like I don't have my space over here. So it it is a little bit of an issue. Um in terms of what you're in terms of the specific thing that you're asking, I would I would say yeah, I would say that um by the way also I think there's studies supposedly there studies. I mean you know nowadays anyone can make up anything but supposedly there are studies that when a person's in a train of thought after that train of thought is interrupted it takes like 20 minutes to get back into that groove. Maybe it's true, maybe it's not. I'll just tell you a lot of people definitely a lot of men at least. I can't speak for women, but a lot of men at least the the way their minds work and they to come out of it and then to come back in it, you know, it's like a little they be feel like they're becoming scatterbrained. Okay? Or maybe that's an ADD thing. I don't know. But it seems like that's the general vibe. So, um, yeah, I would definitely say also, by the way, men could take that a little bit as disrespect, right? Like I'm in the middle of something, you see I'm focused on something and now you come in and like, okay, listen, obviously if it's important or if it's urgent. Um so that's one thing but a lot yeah men would take that as to a certain extent might also take that as the kind of disrespectful right now women might not take it that way so they might not feel that way um but um for you know a lot of times also with speaking it works that way too men and women in terms of how they view speech right a man a lot of times we'll be speaking and then and then let's say a man and a woman husband and wife they're talking man's talking woman jumps in completes the sentence man's talking woman jumps in completes the sentence um in in a man's world that's called disrespectful. In a woman's world, when women a lot of times talk amongst themselves, so they jump in, they complete each other's sentences, they they're showing I'm here. I'm with you. There's a we're like we're flowing together, it's not considered disrespectful. It's considered like uh I don't want to call it communal or or like we're we're having the conversation together. In a man's world, when you don't let the guy finish his sentence or finish his thought or finish his idea, um that's considered to be for a man disrespectful. That's definitely something that's worthwhile for women as they, you know, women who are married or getting married um to really learn that um to be able to let a man, for example, finish his finish his his his sentence or finish his thought. Um and it's worthwhile. By the way, a lot of times also women complain that a man that men don't talk, which by the way, number one, yes, there's truth to that. Um we know that women of course are typically uh more talkative. Um, but you'll be surprised. Men would talk if a lot of times if you'd let them finish, right? Um, if you let them finish and then like wait a space, you could count one, two, three, four, or five beforehand. A lot of times even a man will even tell you will even tell you when he's done with his idea. After he's done saying everything he needs to say, he'll then say, "Okay, that's it. Okay, I'm done. Okay, what do you what do you have to say?" Um and and you'd be very surprised um what act that that he he might actually talk um if he's given the chance. But anyway, bringing that to what we're saying here with the earbuds or whatever, it's a similar kind of thing. The man's in the middle of his thing. Um and so and so uh those if especially if it's happening constantly is happening every day or numerous times a day. Yeah. He's going to he's going to he's going to start he's going to feel like um it comes off it comes off as a lack of like a lack of respectfulness. It does. So um that's that's something to consider. Now maybe he doesn't want to say it that way because you know whatever reason he's maybe it's you're it'll look bad or he feels like it comes off bad or on him but like that's probably what's going on to be honest. thing for communication. I'm saying, you know, he doesn't want to look bad, but this is going on and on saying, you know, if they could be able to communicate. Um, there's actually somebody sent a question. Maybe you can relate. I find myself feeling unheard and misunderstood. Even though we talk a lot, I mean, I discussed it with my husband many times. It seems like he just doesn't get it. and I kind of kind of gave up. So, this is a this is like a great question. They're talking about it. They're discussing it and she still feels it doesn't get me. What what could be in between this, you know, conversation that they just don't something is missing. Well, first thing I would say is kind of in a certain extent, welcome to marriage, welcome to life. Like that it's not that that like to a certain extent there there there's we're going to experience that it's potentially that it's potential definitely in some relationships like that people do sometimes feel like they're somewhat missing each other. The person doesn't get them. Um I I would I would just I would definitely say I mean this is one of those things like uh uh that might be a little bit more personalized and I might you know might need to go into more specifics but like okay again what is the what is the way we're approaching what is the language that's being used um sometimes I mean look for examp like sometimes one person's in one person's word world something can mean one thing and the other person's world, it means something else. Um, for you know, a woman could say, I remember in dating, a woman could say, uh, uh, to a man, I'm not materialistic. To a man, that means one thing. To a woman, that means something very different. Right? So, um, so, you know, it's I don't It's hard to it's hard for me to address that B without any specifics, but um I would just I would say that like >> I think we could say basic men and women are different. There you go. >> That's that that's what I started with is just like you know I I I hear you. You know >> and and then and then in that realm like okay so let me hear what you're saying and what you mean. Maybe that's where curiosity can start because if we're different whatever you're saying I'm taking one way but it's probably not that way. just tell me more what's going on. Listen to them. Try to understand the other sides. But I guess it takes time to get there. >> By the way, you know, I just had a thought. This might be a good question for AI to be honest with you. I'm trying to express to my husband blankety blank. What's a good way that I can do it that he can hear me? >> Oh, yeah. Our community is a little bit uh shooken with AI from last last week >> uh two weeks ago. We discussed we're not sure where this AI thing is going, but yeah. >> Okay. >> Confused. Wait, wait, wait. We have a problem with AI. Is that what we're saying? Or >> we're trying to figure out what the problem is. And until the pro until >> we want we want to have a problem with it first. We have a problem, then we'll figure it out. >> Okay. Listen, I heard people quoting Jordan Peterson and talking and all this. Listen. >> All right. Go ahead. >> We're trying to figure it out. But I'm saying the the the whole um, you know, basic communication. And then there are those who who want to feel 100% understood. And I'm wondering many times that's something that what is it? Like let's ask them what is it? What do you need so that when you get that you'll feel 100% understood? It's like could you could you verbalize it? Could you tell me like one spouse could tell the other what do you need from me so that you feel 100% understood? Because no matter how how much I understand you might 98% 99% but they don't get me full. They just don't get really what I'm trying to say. And that could be, you know, I'm not you, you're not me. I'm >> also a man, I'm a woman. Right. And that also that that also that also touches back on the um the the person before who was also talking about um something with the communication or talkiveness, etc. Like this is a man, not a woman. It's not the same thing, you know? >> Right. And to be vulnerable, you could say, you know, you know, there's a part that I don't expect you to understand. Maybe I would love to, but it's just I can't even verbalize what it is. Beautiful. So, at least you're you're aware. And then the other could say, "Wow, I wish I could understand it, but I guess we can't." Okay, let's go to the closing segment of the program tonight. Um, for Rabbi Deutsch for coming on tonight, Merc, really appreciate it. Um again for everybody here the first time every Sunday night at 9:00 p.m. we have this shar next Sunday we're going to have an amazing shar. It's not confirmed yet. Soon as this confirmed we're going to send out an email with the speaker. Um everything will be sent via email and we'll post it. Everything is recorded on.com. If there's any questions please email coach [email protected]. Tonight shares 259. If you want to listen to the phone line on the phones it'll be uploaded shortly. The number is 732305911. If anybody wants to get a hold of rely what's the best way to get a hold of you? Um, we can do an email elli t-jwgmail.com or on WhatsApp plus 972. That's country code plus972524516654 on WhatsApp. >> Okay. Again, thank you to all the advertising spond group here from Lakewood. Elton Chantel Kyl from JCN. And we'll go to the closing. Manak will go first. Follow Billy Deutsch. Coach Manak wrap it up. Beautiful. Thank you. Thank you very much for joining tonight and um we've done a lot of programs on Shan Bay. But to be able to go down to the basics to be able to understand you know dynamics and um we've covered a lot but I'm just thinking like what we said before like communication is a big piece over here and if you feel a certain way to be able to say what you feel what do I need and to see what the other you know the response many times you don't like the way they respond so you can try to put that on the table sometimes we put it on the And uh we feel the rejection, we feel the feelings we don't like. So the question is how far we can go. Um but hopefully the hope is that if you can communicate and be vulnerable so that the other could understand to see what what is it that you need so that they can be there. That's the hope. And eventually you know like we always discuss but there's the concept there something that I've read about but the concept of loneliness is no matter how how many people you have how many friends you have and even if your spouse understands you there's always that aspect there's that little part inside of you that many times feels alone and the truth is it is alone and I I saw in the sedum he says you know you were born alone and you're going to die alone You really you get used to I would say your relationship with Hashem for that little piece for that little bit bit of loneliness that you can fill up with human beings you know you try your best but there's that piece that sometimes you just feel nobody understands and just nobody can connect and what what what you're going through and if you can sit there and connect to yourself first of all to hear it from yourself that's amazing be there for yourself and then bring Hashem in and that's like a real relationship because Hashem knows everything and he's there. So a lot of should help us all in our relationships in general in our bias and uh we should be able to connect. Thank you. Takeaways >> takeaways. >> Yeah. Close it up. takeaways um I think are that I think the number one uh downfall the thing that gets in the way um for us is [clears throat] t stereotypically um if for for the men it seems to be to me not um not putting forth energy with follow through and not being able to contain uh oneself in a healthy way. You know, we need to be able to strengthen ourselves to be givers of energy and have emotional mastery over ourselves. And for the feminine, like we said before, um the number one downfall I think that I find is this um assertion of un of of of unhealthy uh control. And so to be able when we're feeling that moment of like I got to [snorts] control this thing, I got to control this thing. To take a pause, take a step back and to lean into vulnerability, put our authentic self out there, and then allow it to be. Whatever will be will be. You're gonna be okay. >> Wow. Thank you. >> Hey, thank you everybody for joining. Thank you for waking up so early. Really appreciate it. We'll see you everybody next week. Same time, same place. Have a wonderful week. Keep warm. Take care. Oh >> yeah.