The Home Front: Supporting your Spouse during Hard Times - Rabbi Yirmiyahu Abramov

welcome to the home front every crisis is an opportunity I had a friend who like to say that there was one of his favorite expressions it's true it doesn't change the fact that every crisis is also a crisis things happen in life which interfere with our preconceived notions of how everything should just be plain sailing especially in a marriage when a crisis happens to one person how does how does the other house the spouse deal with that has the space offers support in in times of need rabbi yes crises do happen I think there's two approaches to a crisis of someone who's close to you to be helpful to be supportive you can either just show compassion and be there as a sounding board and show real interest or you can actually get actively involved and provide solutions very often the first is what is called for if something happens it's a espouse has some social issue going on with friends or something happening at work and and really the spouse hasn't got much to do to help out but what they can do is just be there just at the person feel he's not in this alone that there's a supporting and backbone full of understanding that even if the worst can happen at work and we know what that is little pink slipped let the person know that we're I'm fully the spouse is fully behind you and don't worry we'll sort this out there's a divine guiding hand in this world and if something nasty and negative is happening to you it means it's all for the good so by projecting a very positive and supporting and compassionate and soft and message and very often that is really what's called for how do you balance that because I could get annoying i could imagine if you know you're down in the dumps because you just got that little pink slip let's say and someone keeps saying don't worry it's all going to be fine and you're wondering how you're going to pay for you for the other pink slip of your brand new car you just bought yeah so I would say you must say for off being compassionate and being supportive you're right it can sometimes be a little bit annoying you know I'm here down in the dumps and everything is the whole world is looking black for me and my spouse is saying no don't worry this is any other opportunity this is an opportunity for new for New Horizons you probably made for better things and I'm sure we'll find a better job and I always felt that your energies were not being maximizing that in that situation and that you were being dwarfed over there by by more powerful bullying elements in the country let's now look up and let's see if we can find something much more suited to your energies so if a person takes a very positive consistent type of posture I think that usually is extremely helpful if the person becomes infected with the same doldrums and the same depression thus that your spouse your husband staggers in from work and things are going very very bad and the wife's responses of a oh that's terrible what are we going to do and but how we going to feed the kids in how curry then you're only Fanning the flames in the country by being there and by being a supportive strong element it will give the spouse much more backbone to face up and he leaves home with a confidence i know that i've always got the home front to rely on you know there's a concept in the talmud called a pat pasalo that if a person is hungry even if he's really nutritionally deprived but if he knows that he has some food in storage so it somehow dissipates the hunger just the mere psychological knowledge that is not at the very absolute bottom and there is hope in the offing that already gives the person confidence so the big world in the outside world and all the interactions in the outside world can be very rough sometimes but if a person knows that he can come home and there's someone is going to help him lick his wounds and help him build in build his confidence I think he's his posture and his self image will be enhanced and he will be able to face the crisis in a much more assertive in a much more confident way what's the balance between on the one hand sympathizing or empathizing which would seem to require being in that or understanding that emotional space of other persons in and on the other hand trying to build them up yeah saying that it's like it's a tightrope it's a delicate balance and I don't think one can give really hard and fast rules I think it's very much largely an extent of the given situation you know you have situations often where sometimes if one person is very very down and very depressed and the other person comes in and I think you're referring to that earlier and a very up and high mood it really gets from the other person's nerves and you've got to bridge that gap you've got to try and bring it closer to each other so don't start out all you know the cavity right let's go sorry buddies yeah yeah don't dad so be compassionate be sensitive at the person feel that you feeling their pain but on the other hand keep that a silver lining in this cloud keep it keep it very much in the forefront but to sensitively do it with sense and keep the power between the two moods of the two spouses keep it in at a reasonable level but you've but um there's a principle in humor interaction that when someone is consistently in a certain positive frame of mind and if the person is being sensitive and sensible about it then it will usually pull up the one from me the one who is on the down so i think that's a general rule of thumb be compassionate now it could be that the spouse is really asking for advice so before moving to that about if I may I just want to you mentioned in passing depression other person feels depressed so I said there's the difference between feeling a little bit in the doldrums and actually being clinically depressed how do you just briefly for us how do you identify when it's beyond your help what's beyond your means to help someone out when they're they're depressed beyond just you know normal cheering up yeah look if there's a chemical imbalance and it's something objective and it requires a medical intervention that's one issue but it's a person is depressed as a result of a series of of things not going right in their life it's very often a question of attitude an attitude is something that a person can help the other one and change it but you've got to do it sensitively so um I think that most depressions are not chemical you know a chemical imbalance that require let's say I don't know medication or whatever or professional intervention most depressions are really a function of a lack of self image the wrong type of attitude to facing up to life's challenges and these were sense and with loving compassion these can be helped along nearly the knowledge of knowing that I've got a very supportive spouse and no matter how bad things outside but I now I come home to the loving environment into a warm environment and they respect me even if I'm losing my self-respect outside in them in the workplace but at home I'm a king I think that that goes a you know that goes a very long way are there any specific warning signs that you know you could tell the person acts differently if it is a sort of chemical imbalance something which needs professional treatment or just it's just more extreme I think it's more extreme and I think that a person and it has to be consistent and it has to be that nothing helps but you you can spruce a person up with some positive things a bit of humor sometimes of course again the Hume is going to be well placed that when a person said and at the point of tears and you cracking jokes that's again that's too far apart in order to bridge that gap bridge the gap and then slowly start and it's the same thing with children children somehow sometimes come home from school and they've had a rough time they've been bullied they've had a whole whole class gang up on them on some trivial issue but from the child's perspective it's a very painful thing so again it's the same principle the same principles show compassion show support build the person up give the person a sense of self-worth focus on the person strong points and that's also with a spouse you know so you know they may not be recognizing your work environment might not recognize your talents and therefore they're ostracizing you but I know is your spouse what great talents you have and I know that we just have two together we're going to work on this together and we're going to hone these talents and we're going to channel them and we going to direct them and I think this goes a long way and this works in the vast majority of cases don't ever let a very sad spouse a very depressed spouse pull you down with you you've got to be this anchor that is supporting and holding them up now as we started saying earlier sometimes there just is a need for good advice now be very careful with the advice because you don't know the individuals and the personalities involved and from your perspective you may not have ever met this bus who's being nasty and being bullying or whatever it is so you can't take very affirmative and very definitive stands you can be more general you can say you know why don't you try the following tactic why don't you try and find some good points in the sterilizing buses personality and try and somehow change the nature of your relationship by focusing on good points or interests you discover that he's got an interest in fishing so read up a bit about fishing and when he's about to unite too slow to you and tell him you know I heard that you that you're a very good fisherman and you know I'm sorry I've also got a bit of interest to start discussing a divergent let him win a golf yeah oh let him win at golf that's also true I have a close family member who was a brilliant chess player and when he was in the army he was as a Jew he was being he was being persecuted and he somatically was being persecuted for being you this room English wasn't Israeli on no it wasn't this is no mere all this is actually this African army and he was being persecuted by a very nasty sergeant major depriving him his rights and and then one day he heard that the sergeant major actually fancies himself as a chess player so here was this fellow was quite famous as a chess player with championships on his side so he went for sergeant major and said I heard you play chess and I was a player bit of chess and then the father may I discovered that he is a very prominent chess player so they prompt he started playing and of course he made sure that he lost to the sergeant major every time and he became a very he became his pet and his preferred fellows as long as he kept losing to the sergeant major so um that's an extreme example and it doesn't necessarily work at a normal intellectual level that sometimes giving general pieces of advice of this nature without getting too specific because if you get too specific the persons may actually be you really don't understand what's going on you know thank you for your advice but you really understand so don't get into the very little gritty detailed advice but give more general general types of things general advice the same thing happens with as I say we mentioned kids sometimes the kid is real terrorized by a teacher so there are ways of winning favor of carrying favor and this can be you know this can be you can give general advice in these things so you have to be very discerning you can even offer and say would you like me to make some suggestions and the person may say now you will you won't understand it okay fine but well I can tell you is I just know that you're a great person and you've got great talents and truth will prevail ultimately and even if the worst happens it's only for the good and I can see from this our whole relationship is going to be on an upward and start going upward so I think that's probably a general good way of balancing those two it's very important to figure out what's required and people can be different in what they need the needy the practical help advice or the need emotional support usually it's bit of both I guess yeah that's right you got to be discerning on that and then be too definitive and say I know everything you know you know let me tell you how to handle the situation i'm in the situation what do you know it had a handle the situations that don't take that very sort of demagogic type of a approach you know i'll tell you how to do it the power in the country maybe perhaps try those perhaps try this etc all the time showing support and showing your confidence in building the self worth of the person I guess traditionally people see a difference between men and women in what they need we'll think of as you know a solution to their problems when they need practical advice or emotional advice classically I mean you could see it as a bit misogynistic maybe two has been seen like that although maybe will tell us it isn't like it's just a fact of life but that women in general want to talk more about the issues want to feel supported was men in general looking for solutions would you agree with that characterization yeah well actually the biggest issue has been solved by technology you always had the classic situation of husband and wife driving the husband's driving and he's hopelessly lost and the wife has a much better natural in bonds in both sense of direction and the husband is absolutely not interested in hearing her suggestions I'm driving just keep out of this so now ways and GPS have kind of solved that so that's one whole sector of discord that has been that has now been remedied thank god for gps for an even more so for ways oh okay they're gonna pay us for advertising now that we should mention google maps as well ok Google Maps is also great yeah ok ok I go that sometimes we one wishes that one had a Google map for emotional issues unfortunates only very physical and very earthy but sometimes one really needs ways and Google max and GPS and whatever other in technology they're going to inventor to invent to just help a person steer through crises you need to know which direction to take but I think we really do have something in both very often and appoint a rule of thumb is if you're a real honest-to-goodness person and you have an honest close relationship with your spouse then follow your heart follow his heart and leave it to the two to kind of natural feelings to to to prevail but I say natural feelings I don't mean feelings at the time of strife or at the time of crises because those things are sometimes very dangerous sometimes there's anger sometimes this bitterness and person should not be taking decisions in the time of anger or bitterness or depression and but let's say we can push these aside and one can change the general atmosphere in the home then you can allow one's natural gut feelings to take over GPS got practical suggestions right I like it so you're saying people do have with the problem is they can summer be an interference right we we have an inbuilt sense of what the right way to react to something especially I guess a spouse whom you've known for a while and you know what they need it's just that when the emotions start to cloud things you don't you don't get it right all the time but how much would you say that this is this is that it's true to say that this is characteristic of men and women in general that there's a difference between men and women that men are generally looking for practical solutions whereas women are looking to discuss for emotional support that's something you hear quite a lot yeah look that whole issue of viva la difference between man I get that right and we have to ask our French friends you only know english I see sometimes there is a I mean there are inherent differences between male and female this we know and these inherent differences are rooted in a very deep place it's not just environmental and circumstantial that but or even not just physical we believe that there's a real deep seated difference because they there their souls which is the inner spiritual makeup is somewhat different and your biggest proof of that is that there's a whole sector of commandments that women are absolved from now if the principal the guiding principle of Commandments in the Torah is in order to refine the person one's personality into to hone one's spiritual being and develop it so surely there should be the same Homo sapiens human beings we have the same but we see that there is an inherent difference in the spiritual makeup at the inner makeup between a male and the female and one has to be very sensitive to this issue I know it's not a very popular issues maybe not even proper speech to highlight any differences in these in the post women's lib air uh where they should be a complete at equality one of my favorite Oscar Wilde quotes rabbi is that he once said when I find too many people beginning to agree with me I suspect I might be wrong I see so III admire that you are able to speak out even when you think that maybe people okay agree to may not agree that much I'll face the music later but when the angry letters start coming in i'll let you know but this is a fact now people always presuppose when you say that there's a difference between male and female that the you know out the show of chauvinism would immediately say well obviously the male is superior and the fever that's not true and the female is inferior young man are you've got a lot to learn so the real definition of the of this is there are different there are different complimentary and different and they're not not you can't compare giraffes to camels that they're just two different species and it will be and so by the same token the inner spiritual emotional makeup or a male and the female are somewhat different and they made in this manner because they need to be different because clones don't get married it won't make for a good marriage you need contrariness in marriage and people coming from different perspectives which will keep both sides both parties much more sharp and on their toes when they are meeting up with a with with something someone different 2 is complementing sometimes maybe even getting on their nerves slightly and but that's also part of the whole growing process it's very interesting you say that because one of the things you hear a lot of people saying oh she's trying to change me he's trying to change me I don't know hange I am Who I am yeah it seems like good do what you're saying the whole purpose of getting married is in order that you should change yes but we don't say it too loudly and no one likes to hear that because the person really has a certain self-image I'm just the perfect mr. perfect very often when one gets into situations of conflict or situations of where people are grating against each other a person begins to realize well maybe I need to adjust my attitudes and my approach and my my velton song to do to certain things and that's a healthy exercise it's a very healthy exercise marriage is the arena for self growth more so than any other area one's life when only begins real self growth when one is in the context of marriage there's nothing to beat a two-year-old who who is is slowly training as to what what does it mean to be tolerant what does it mean to be patient what does it mean to to be compassionate but you don't need to get her two-year-old sometimes the need to be responsive to one spouse's needs means that a person's got to come out of himself and come out of his I'm taking to say the male the male in his His image and self image in order to really be understanding and compassionate of his wife he's got to put himself into her shoes to some extent and try and understand her that's a fantastic growing exercise that enables a person to just to to fine-tune many aspects of his personality so this issue of differences is is healthy it's healthy and it's a healthy exercise to be in our to to be engaged in this process it comes out then that you know crises things that happen in a marriage which which cause potentially more friction are times when we can endeavor to grow more these are times when you know have a big the resistance so you know we all know from going to the gym I can tell you go to the gym and lift weights a lot that the higher the resistance the more the muscle grows so it would be the same thing in relationships right yeah that is true it's you know we are not afraid of conflict in math on the country we feel that conflict when handled correctly there are rules of how to fight clean and so we're not concerned at all about our country on the country we view a conflict as a potential way of growing a person has rough edges to his personality inevitably it said the young man and the young lady who just got married now they carrying the baggage of 20 30 year odd years of their life experiences not all of them are necessarily positive person comes in with Scylla what we call in the professional language hangups now a person comes in with these these issues some idiosyncrasies some kind of modem of of social misbehavior and marriage by virtue of the inbuilt conflicts is a great way of sort of smoothing out some smoothing over the rough edges and again it's all going to be taken in a very positive spirit in a sense a person's got to be ready to be humble and not walk around haughty I am Who I am and I am what I am and I'm great it takes you know like we said it a one-year-old the two-year-old a six-month-old baby I mean I recall once going into a very elegant apartment store with my wife trying to she needed to do some shopping and I was left holding the baby and it was quite a classy joint and my child decided that she's going to throw my hat on the floor so I spent an hour holding her to keep away from others her mother could buy dresses but defending my hat and I find myself very awkwardly you know constantly bending down picking up my head picking up my spectacles that have been thrown down in the and by the end of that session and I I think I was pegged down to where I was and I was no longer this in a rabbinic picture of dignity my little one and a half year old had really given me some fantastic therapy so you know that's an extreme example but I think every intimate close interaction within the family unit is a healthy intimate is a healthy and exercise and i think one grows immensely from it so we're not afraid of conflict we have to make sure that we never step out of the bounds and the bounds the red lines are we should never allow anger to set in because angle will destroy every element of village it will no no longer be an educational exercise it will anger evokes responsive anger so in this framework if one keeps ones what's about oneself and one views everything as a new educational challenge and are good this is coming to me I needed to hear this good it's I think a positive attitude to to interaction is something which is very valuable so that's quite some ideal to live up to never be angry always contribute in a positive way to what your spouse needs but at least with some of these practical tools the the GPS of life that means being able to in a calm way assess what your spouse needs whether it's support emotionally or whether it's practical suggestions a person you can try and find their way on the through the map of life and try and help the spouse find the correct route to the destination you