The Pathway to Healing: Understanding Your Child - Rabbi Shimon Russell

all the way through high school so let's begin okay Rabbi Russell on Co kabad on live um actually one of the sponsors of tonight's event there was an article very painful article uh titled there's no such thing as a trusted adult and in this article a social worker talks about a conversation that she had with her nephew several days ago I received a phone call from a close nephew of mine who was a good bck I was surprised that he was calling but when I heard the panicked fear in his voice my social workers antennas went up and he shared what was going on in his yiva instinctively I responded have you spoken to thehala or a trusted adult he laughed cynically a rify there's no such thing as a trusted adult rip shim yeah two questions to begin our discussion tonight question number one is how do we become trusted adults to whom our talmidim and talmas feel comfortable approaching with their questions and challenges and question number two it's a long one but we'll get started dive right into it sure question number two how do we get out of the cycle of blame and distrust between the parents and the school this if we can answer this we fix the whole system we can answer this question we can go home look I I'd like also to make just a real brief H absolutely um I don't know what's going to happen tonight but I imagine we're going to talk some truth otherwise there's no point and I want it to be clear I certain people sometimes misunderstand I look at the world of as the absolute top rung of clol the people who are so moish who care so much and work so hard generally speaking not for the greatest pay and they do this job for us for clis when I come to perhaps challenge or refine I'm feeding back information I've learned from my clients for 32 years and in the hope that we could refine what they're doing and help them simply do it better to we appreciate it I I really hope so because it frees me to be more honest about what we see in the cracks in the system without being seen as a Critic of the system I love the system I simply do this and put my neck in the Noose to try and make it better that's it so I just want to be clear and I hope that's understood by everybody so the answer let's take the first part of your question is there such a thing as a trusted adult uh and how do we make children feel safe is that was the question correct there's one word if we could understand the two sides of this same word perhaps we could fix this so simply and the word is consequences what are the consequences to a child when they go to an adult and they pour their heart out about some issues perhaps serious issues that they're struggling with due to no fault of their own they didn't grow up determined to be a troubled person but somehow their life and their story has somehow brought them in touch with who knows whether it's the internet whether it's drugs whether it's drinking or whether it's you know other issues they're struggling with it doesn't really matter no one chose this and a kid is hurting inside so this word consequences captures the essence of why there are no trusted adults because and by the way I believe there are let's be very clear I think the the premise isn't actually true and there are many trusted adults and many trusted MIM I think I I think I understand understand the concept if the consequences of a child opening up about their struggles their issues their challenges their exposure to the world if the consequences are negative if they're afraid they're going to be punished penalized if they if they're afraid that we thrown out a sko if they're afraid that somehow this is going to damage their own life in any way why on Earth would they tell us it's the word consequences but just imagine if we shift that word consequences and we as the adult Caring World who care for our children if we shifted where the consequences were wow I can't believe you told me that must have taken so much courage I'm so impressed with you that must be so hard for you I can't imagine how difficult this struggle is for you how conflicted you must be I wonder how you get up in the morning sometimes I'm so impressed with you that you had the courage to come and talk and I'm telling you one thing your information is safe with me if we shift that word consequences for children what what's going to happen is we're going to discover the people hate it when I quote statistics or say numbers where do I get it from but I would has a guess that most kids will come forward and tell us the majority of kids will come forth and tell us they're struggling with something if the consequences to them of telling us is that they will be supported praised they'll be validated and understood they'll be helped we can hold them we can help them through that of course they'll tell us the onus of of kids you know there's no such thing as a trusted adult is because if what we're are trying to do always is the and you're going to hear this from me the whole night I'm certain of it if the doggish is in the child's mind is primarily on me protecting my home my my life my school my environment my my community if my primary doggish is on protecting my stuff why would they tell me they'll never tell me but if they feel an experience that the primary doggish when I hear them is I want to help you schaer we're here for you it's true we also have these other agendas that we have to work out but we're here for you once we shift the con consequences of telling to being praised applauded elevated looked at as a hero looked at as special well then they'll be trusted adults everywhere and I believe we can help the kids the trouble is going to be that we're going to discover that most kids will come forth and tell us about problems and everyone's going to come running and say now what do we do how do we solve the problems how do we solve the problems now that's the next piece that's the next piece exactly once we have that information and that relationship kids will open up once they feel safe it's that simple okay we'll come back to this a little bit later from another angle I'm sure many but moving to the to the second question yeah and maybe I can just add that um families and the school you know the natural tension unfortunate tension that exists um there are studies that show that positive connection between parents and teachers and school have been shown to improve children's academic achievements social competencies and emotional wellbeing so that that gets to the heart of the question how do we go about developing a trusting relationship between the parents and the school so just like we want a trusted relationship between the child and his parents the child and the and the school how do the schools and the parents and the families work together let us for the well-being of the child because as you said before it's all about the children it's really not I mean of course of course in other words the mission statement of yiva it starts with the following line we believe that every child is a gift from the aisher right that's how it starts right a gift from the ab right and all decisions that are made are made primarily for the well-being of the child so how do parents I'll tell you something amazing fascinating years ago obviously many years I was in Lakewood before we made Aliah and um and I worked there as a family th therapist and I frequently frequently worked with family systems who were at odds with their school system and I heard from both sides and all I heard from both sides was incredible mistrust that the parents knew very well I cannot tell the school really what's going on because I know what's going to happen and I know what the consequences will be to my family and my kid they'll never understand us the school was saying we can't trust these parents we have a handbook we have rules they're not ad Heering you know and they and I hear this from both sides so I decided to do something very interesting I requested from the parents and the school that means the manal Manis whoever it was would you come in and sit with me together I'd like you to hear each other's struggle would you do that and they would come into the office terrified of each other you understand it's like the two enemies of Ed the ring and we'd start talking and the premise of the meeting was a very simple premise I want to see if you could help the school could help the parents understand where you're struggling what your struggles are what your concerns are and I'd like to see if the parents can help the school understand your struggle and what we're going to do is have the school tell the parents we have the school tell the parents what they believe is the parents struggle and we're going to have the parents tell the school what is their mandate what's their struggle where are they stuck with this situation and we'd have both sides try to see if they could articulate deeply sensitively what the other side is feeling this event took a couple of hours by the end of the hours I I can tell you many times both sides were in tears both sides realized we're all trying to help the kids we're we're we're all stuck the fact and reality is that mature people come have to come to terms with is that the needs of a system can never possibly it's impossible to serve the needs perfectly of every individual in the system it's the very nature of a system the responsibility of parents at the same time is their kid not the system they will have that child the rest of their life responsibility is to support their child these two will always be two different approaches to how to help kids what what I've experienced in life is if we sit down as M if we could just be mature adults stop being threatened by each other but sit down and tune in to not the school's not my enemy they're my friend but I want you to trust me so I'm going to tell you the school as a parent what I believe is your struggle what where are you stuck with this and you're going to tell me as a parent where you see I'm stuck and the magic starts happening once you do that it's a paradigm shift it gets people working together tuning into each other and now together we have to work out what is going to happen how are we going to do which we'll deal with the proom later the first step is to tune in that we're all basically on the same page trying to help kids but we have two different mandates two different roles the school has to and has a responsibility to protect the school environment that's a fact it shouldn't be taken away from them the school isn't a sum of all the different parent body you know who's in there they have a mandate they have a philosophy and and they have to uphold that philosophy somehow a parent has an ultimate responsibility to their child and they must love that child and put that child first and that's a delicate Shila sometimes for their local R of what do I do when I get this this whole handbook from the school with all these rules which I know I cannot do I know I cannot do it it's impossible some of those things but I don't want to lie either so that's a shil you got with your R but the fact is if we can just come in and tune into each other and say I understand you I get you and go through that little exercise of tuning into to each other that's when the magic happens it's remarkable I want to share something as you were talking I was thinking to myself of something that happened last week talking about the school and the parents working together for the well-being of the children the mayor of Pittsburgh visited our school last week and in preparation for his visit we cleaned the school well hopefully it's pretty clean in general but we cleaned the school well so I heard a like a comment that someone made one of the students made oh the mayor is coming so therefore they clean uh you know criticizing it so a lot of times a child comes home and they share something like that and there's two ways that a parent can respond to that one way is yeah should always be clean and continue the narrative a more helpful way if we're working together for the well well-being of the children is to help the children understand sure gain a perspective so I had that conversation with my children I said let me ask you a question is our house is generally pretty clean but if we have a of a guest do we clean it better does that mean that you know we did something no that's what so similar here we try to keep the building clean but the mayor of Pittsburgh's coming so we need to listen we don't have to uh accept or support something that we don't think is appropriate but at the same time help the child understand give them a perspective so that that trust Remains the sure help them and whatever can't be defended doesn't need to be defended correct but but whatever can be and that could be my but just an example you have any responses that I think we're almost finished with this first yeah no I think I I fully agree with you look trust if the first response when a child comes forward or is discovered with something inappropriate whatever it is if the First Response the look on my face the trust the so-called trusted adult is a look of pain anger frustration that worked once upon a time there was a world in which that was help helpful this world that's not helpful Rabbi Russell we're at the end of our first session there are two more to come okay I'm going to turn it back to our host thank you Dove bear uh many questions have come in from parents okay it's going to be impossible to get to them all I'll try to put some of them together and uh present them as they come in Rabbi Russell if you could help us understand or Define resilience what is resilience and what is not resilience um there are people who feel triggered by the word resilience there are individuals who feel that sometimes that can be misconstrued as you know let's say you're in a bad marriage or in a bad situation just have resilience work your way through so the first questions what is resilience and then in the spirit of tonight's event two halves of a holy what can schools do what can our Wellness division do to build or support the resilience of our tamid and tamas okay loaded question load well it's look let's separate quickly there's for my P from my perspective the um the psychoemotional perspective on resilience simply means the ability to bounce back that's that's it in other words we build in a child or a human being the wherewith all the ability that when you go through struggles and problems and issues as everybody will because there's no one free of it we'll all go through our nenus in life as you go through how deep you fall or how shallow you fall and how quickly you come back is defined by whether you have strong resilience the more resilience you have the quicker you bounce back and the and the less is the dip that you fall when you go through your struggles and issues telling people have resilience who do not have resilience is actually kind of punitive it's hurtful you could encourage people to try and find a way through their struggles but you cannot tell someone who doesn't have the tools of resilience that you should have had them and now use things you don't have you could help them develop those tools that's for sure but you can't tell someone who doesn't have it you were meant to have it now use it so yes if you say it's being used in people get triggered from it that's probably why because if you were not fortunate enough to grow up with the foundations the building blocks of resilience then you're going to have a hard time being resilient so so maybe I can talk just for a couple of minutes what are those what are those building blocks of resilience both at home and at school right would that make sense you said holy right H right the parents could do and what the schools do I think anyone who knows you know I often and frequently in fact probably every time I talk about parenting and struggling kids and and how to build up you know and prevent the struggles of life I refer to the four ess's of resilience I learned that from Dr Dan seagull in his book you know parents the inside out you bought the book I think I've sold more books than anyone else I have to speak to him one day but he said it so beautifully and I've used it and adapted it I use it clinically I use it with parents I use it in speeches I just think it's a fantastic model that I discovered everyone can relate to and not only can we relate to it as a parent starting out in your journey so if a parent is watching this with a 2-year-old start doing this this is what you do and you build resilience but what's beautiful about the model is you could work it through later in life rebuilding those four areas that you need in your life and working out how to strengthen them for yourself in your future life in your relationships with your spouse with your children with your boss with you know in life work out how to strengthen those and these are the four for those who don't know them I'll say them because I love them and I'm passionate about it the four S is for home for bringing up kids they are safe secure seen and soothed safe secure seen we have to the first thing we have to do as parents is provide safety and this would apply in school too I mean I'm not saying this model doesn't apply in school I'm simply saying the primary model for this is at home with parents bringing up kids this way of course schools should support this too we have to make sure our kids are safe they feel safe from abuse they're not going to be physically emotionally psychologically sexually spiritually abused we have to protect them we have to know what that means to protect them from these things we cannot be naive we cannot be fools we have to be honest about what happens to children in life be mature and respectful that we have we don't have full control over our kids' lives outside of the home and outside school as they get older so we have to make sure that we provide safety I could speak the entire night about it I'm not I'll I see the look I'll stop there okay got it that's safety security we have to provide a secure environment for our children where they feel secure about the love a husband and wife their father and mother have for each other we have to provide the the security that they understand the shabas table and the Y table is going to be a place of peace and comfort and joy and Sim not a place to get fored and proved that you're an idiot and didn't follow that week and don't know anything about you don't even know what the paraa is right it it has to be a place of security you have to be secure about you know purchases you'll have clothes the appropriate clothes in season if you go to a camp there's not going to be a whole you know problem of fuss about will we won't we that doesn't help children grow up resilient you could say well we'll deal with it we didn't make a decision yet if you're not sure but don't bring them into your struggles with life because it creates insecurity in children and that deprives them of the tools of resilience we have to make them secure about life that they know they're going to come home and be greeted in a home that's happy and happy to see them and that by the way if they come home and they finally feel safe enough to come and say what whatever's going on in their life they're secure in the knowledge that their parents will respond in a loving and kind way and not be angry that's security seen seeing every child has a unique purpose Mission and personality you know you mentioned before right only his that means everyone has a unique actually is about extracting the uniqueness of a child people think they make a mistake between and being Aid aam is about installation it's about putting information in the mind of a child that they don't have we're going to give them youra where they didn't have it is about extraction it's about showing a child who they are what is their great potential what did Hashem gift you with we pull it out of them and we reflect it back to them and then we give them the support to be that person in life that's called seen if I could just say one of the powerful things that you say in other sessions that I've heard is that children cannot just be tolerated oh well that is a a fundamental idea that keeps on C going through my mind how to continuously communicate to the children well we have to we have to spend the time and the effort to reflect upon the uniqueness of our children who is this child it can't be when M our kids or bring up our kids it's the kids let's get this thing called the kids let's get the kids in the bath let's get the kids to bed let's get the kids in the car it's always the kids the kids the kids everyone is unique we lose the uniqueness I I have many times suggested the Friday night if you bent your kids well if you don't you should but if you didn't B your kids bch your kids and Whisper into their ear afterwards something you noticed about them that week that was special about them some uniqueness what it does is it forces us as parents to see our kids CU I know by Friday night I better notice something or whisper it in my child's ear tell them something special how much I love them for it is about reflecting back the uniqueness and special that's called scene and the last one is soothed soothed when they come home they mess up they made a mistake you know someone left out the roller skates right and someone slipped up and they and they you know hurt themselves and there's the Spanish Inquisition in the house about who left out the rollerblade like who who did this you know so a small child paints on the wall and there's a whole thing about who left out the crayon first a child gets hurt a child is hurting they got bullied at school they lost a friend you know who doesn't want to talk to them anymore they forgot to take their lunch to school and they come home hungry the first thing you do is soothe your child let them know I care for you sha that's hard I got it you got a whole mus Russia you got like three books of volumes you want to like now tell them about how they caused it on themselves you know what wait wait a couple of days wait a couple of days the first thing you do is soothe them and show them I care for you and your hurt and your pain when we do safe secure seen and sooth when we do that as parents to our children they grow up resilient that doesn't mean they're not going to have knocks and bangs problems and issues in life they sure are but guess what they're going to do they're going to bounce back we gave them those building blocks and yes I agree I think the schools should support that model in whatever ways they could but I have a different model for schools okay different model of building resilience for kids in schools what I and I learned this and I don't even remember where anymore but I read this many many years ago wasn't my Kish but the three C's the three C's the three C's very we got the four s's right for home home and we got the three c's for schools and if School I've taught this in many many schools and I and people tell me years later they remember the three C's the three CES are this capable contribute and connect it means like this the first thing is WE schools have to make sure that what we're asking children to do academically is something they're actually capable of doing to ask children to do something that's beyond their capability and I don't mean a little bit because we're all pushing you know we should be in life a little bit but are they capable of that little bit of pushing I used to have some of my kids had you know some learning struggles and issues so I would ask the teachers by the parent conference how much time does it take the average kid in your class to do that homework what are you what's your anticipation they say 10 minutes it shouldn't take more than 10 minutes I say terrific when I sign that meant my child spent 10 minutes are we okay with it it doesn't make a difference will you please mark it accordingly if I signed and there's only four out of 10 that means it took them 10 minutes to get that four and they deserve credit as if they did 10 because they have to feel capable you're going to sit there and torment these poor kids with homework for hours and hours they're simply going to hate learning that's you know how learning trauma happens one of the many ways learning trauma happens so they have to feel capable we have to align the expectations of academic expectations that we give to kids with their capabilities as I've said many many times the pride and joy it's not unfortunate it's natural it's human the pride and joy of most let's be be real is when the bright kid in the class asks a bright question it's exciting right you got someone with you and challenging and it's exciting and that and the the Rebel's light face lights up or the teacher lights up when that happens they don't light up in the same way unfortunately for the other kids who don't ask questions or don't even know how to and if you ask them they're not really holding where you're holding we have to shift the doggish in to the average in the class where the average kid and then the shoulders will basically capture more or less everyone in the class we can't have it where the expectation are beyond the natural capability of most of the kids in the class we cannot do that so that's capable now and this together builds resilience I just want to add about the capable thing in the in the school context there's there's What voty refers to as the zpd the zone of proximal development oh so every child has that zone where they learn but he talks about the fact that if you're outside of the Zone either it's too easy or too hard your reaction is I need to get out of here Abol I don't belong here the challenge which we're not going to really have time to address tonight is you have a class with 15 20 25 children with various zones of proximal development sure so even if you're going to go for the middle half sure uh you're gonna I got lots of thoughts on it you to Pittsburgh invite me to pittsbur you're definitely going to come to Pittsburgh J this is just the beginning basically when you focus on what did you call it again the zone of proximal development I love academics it's unbelievable when we focus on The Middle on this thing and we get the shoulders of most those I've often felt this we've got these huge resource rooms in schools trying to get kids to do things they that's unnatural for them which just just hurts them more and more if we shift the zone of optimal proximal proximal development whatever it is we shift it to the americaas we shrink the resource room because we just discovered that a lot of them were never learning disabled they're disabled from learning you understand and we shrink which by the way saves schools a lot of money and then at the other end we take those kids and give them an advanced track where they can go out by choice if they wish and have some sort of advanced track learning or we can help them prepare all the questions when they get bored for the Reby for the sheets the parure sheets and everything else they can work on that there's ways there's many many ways but we have to move to the middle to give the average child the feeling that they're capable of producing otherwise we lost them number two can I do the other two things okay that's capable quick because I want to get to one more question okay so contribute every child has to feel they contribute something to the school to the class to the environment I was not a good academic kid people don't believe me I never got hundreds never got A's I was a terrible student my brain didn't turn on till much much later I got 100 once in woodwork woodwork I never got an academic 100 never but I'll tell you this someone in my school recognized that and those days we used quill pens ink we used to use ink and Bladers you know I sound like I don't know where I'm from but that's what we did I was the ink monitor I was the guy they could put up hand you could get out your chair and walk around and pour the ink into the ink Wells for people and it made me feel harive I contributed something and that kind of thing helped me through school we have to find way that every single child feels on some way somehow they contribute to this setting and the most important one of the three sees is connect the rebi has to connect the teacher has to connect with every kid has to feel that feel that connection talk to them connect with them speak there has to be some sort of connection where the kid feels you know I admire you I want to be you and my mother Le Shalom was a master teacher we lived in London when I grew up my elder brother was worked in the education department he told us once that my mother was ranked number two teacher where we lived in London number two pretty amazing she taught 40 years so I asked her one time mommy what do you think you did that made you such a great teacher she said well when I went into the classroom every day I tried to conduct myself in a way that every child would want to be me that connection with the children said because once they want to be you they want your knowledge she said it was that simple beautiful that's the three seas of resilience for the schools the four asses of resilience at home together we can really help the kids you answered the question completely okay for the last four minutes of this session this session we still have another one okay you talk a lot about the various stages 0 to two is a time of unconditional love yes if we missed the the 0er to2 age bracket of unconditional love is it too late to move into limit setting and why that's relevant to school of course it's relevant for parents in the home um do we first have to let them have the stage however old they are and only then move on to limits um or is it over and done with so the question is a child comes into school and they didn't go through that stage is there a way that the school can provide that is that something only the family can can provide yeah well a beautiful question the answer is both when when I work with family systems or situations like that I'll highlight this both to the school and the family we need repair work the system you're referring to I think it's maybe better for the people watching yeah if I just in two minutes just what what I look at is like this there's a MIT means to fil the Theon Shalon wanted us to fill the world with people what kind of people so and I didn't find anyone who comments on it anywhere and I've thought about it a lot for years discussed it with many to see and I came up with this and people told me this sounds right the ab wanted we should fill the world with people who are healthy in body and soul they're happy they're capable of self-love and capable of loving others that's how I view this mzv Chev that's our goal so the question is how do we do that so here's the formula that seems to make sense s to Me 0 to2 is unconditional love I don't care what your kid does I don't care how much they torment you how much they keep you up at night they disturb your sleep they they you're sitting on you know going to AA with your baby on your lap and then you discover that they leap through their diaper you know whatever what we all know this right take the video take the camera take the pictures they they ride on your walls your freshly painted walls take out the camp your Chev brockles trust me it's galic for later on zero to do is unconditional love it doesn't matter what they do on the contrary I want to understand the lumus here the more they challenge you and make your life miserable and the more you respond with love and kindness body language facial expression tone of voice of love and kindness you condition their nervous system their brain the child then n sha to believe I'm a wonderful human being if they didn't fight you and weren't so difficult during the 0 to2 it wouldn't work as well it works so much better because it's so difficult and because we respond with unconditional love we are actually actively programming the neural Pathways inside our children and inside their Nish that they should feel loved from two then it makes sense when we start doing Li limit setting we have to we have to set limits on them walking in the streets God forbid near a car we set limits on them walking you know and touching a stove and a hot plate and and a myriad of other things as they're Exploring Life which they're meant to we are setting limits to make them feel safe but when you've done the zero to2 when you program their neural Pathways with unconditional love their internal experience is that your limit setting is an extension of that love and therefore you're doing it to help them and even if they cry now which they will and they resist now which regular it works kids cry they get upset they get brous you tell them it's bedtime right you did the zero to2 and you continue I'm not saying you stop at two you have to continue but you do the zero to two only unconditional love you then continue that while you do limit setting so even when the kids go to bed brus because they're frustrated you know they didn't want bedtime but tomorrow they don't hate you because they internalized it that that was a loving act it doesn't even dawn on them you would do anything bad to hurt them and when that works then they come to you for guidance somewhere around 145 they start turning you for guidance because they trust you and when they get problems and issues and struggles and worries about the future guess who they turn to you because that's how the systems that's the that's what we're meant to do to bring up kids on that person we install Mitzvah so we come to the next session we're going to take a break the next session is what happens yes what do we do to Z to problem so we'll stop here I'm ready to go and we'll turn it back to do bernich okay and in the final session we'll have a little more time we'll get to that and a couple other questions that parents have presented [Music] great Rabbi Russell this is our final session hi and we're in the middle of a question yes we understand this three stages but unfortunately not all of us are successful um giving that unconditional love between the ages of zero and two sometimes we lose it as parents we get upset when the kid you know does something that uh sure can it be repaired sure and so it's not a matter of can it be repaired it has to be repaired there is no alternative or the person goes through life permanently feeling scared permanently feeling frightened and disconnected from people it ffects what we call attachments their ability to relate to other people in a safe and healthy way so it has to be repaired and it will sooner or later and must be addressed and Ali we can do it before they come to therapy without needing to come to therapy look here's the issue there's a paradigm shift that simply has to happen in many schools I see it happening but it has to happen everywhere and the paradigm shift is this we have to come to terms with the reality that enforcing rules structure and discipline on kids with an angry face doesn't work can we just accept that that the old schooled pet Mahal of how to get kids to to you know Stu and behave with an angry face and a disciplined look and you know and a threatening look that ship has sailed needs to go can we ac it's gone can we accept it there is a very small group of children for whom that works and I'm suspect that it doesn't work other than temporarily anyway but don't worry no need to panic KES gifted us with they call it body language right facial expression body language tone of voice the way when we start doing limit setting on children they will resist that's why we're setting limits because they want to go further and we're holding in them back it's not complicated so we know we're directly going against their will here's the difference in the old school the way of was not in my house you don't or in the school it was not in my school in our school we don't do that and there are even principles to this day who will get up and give ders to the school which the I I must tell you the kids find ludicrous they find it laughable and anyone who thinks that that really they they mimic the principle later on with that kind of stuff not in our school in our school we don't do that this is the rules of our school and they give a whole drush on this fire and brimstone fire and brim it doesn't work anymore what actually works is that we give the message to the child what we're telling you is for your benefit yes I am going to stand up to your willful need to to go further than I feel is safe for you and whatever issue it is whether it's going further towards the street with the little child or towards the stove or whether it's going further going to bed too late or doing something inappropriate or drinking too much whatever your limit setting the message you have to convey to the child is shaer this is for you it's not for me we have to shift out of the old Paradigm of knowledge in my home because not in my home doesn't really work anymore what the kid's thinking in his brain you see we're living in a world today we had a segment I think at the beginning of this program about technology today kids are aware of the world they're aware of the outside well we cannot shelter completely anymore I'm not saying we shouldn't shelter we should shelter but Sheltering alone is not working and the cracks and fissures in that Sheltering allow kids to peek out into the outside world and they see it so when you say God forbid to your kid today not in my home what the kid's brain says fine I'll find another home you're actually pushing them out it's the exact not wrong message today not in my school fine I'll go off the Der I'll find another school it just doesn't work anymore and when it appears to be working I know there's probably people hopping mad with me for saying this because they are principal oh we say it and it works in our school no it doesn't it works you create a fantasy of compliance as long as you're standing there you know angrily looking at them they comply as soon as they walked around the corner they do not comply so what did you do you made a mockery of yourself and you did nothing useful towards what we have to shift the Paradigm is that we tell kids this is for you I'm limiting you for your benefit I can't let you you go there and I can't let you go here and here's the C to it all don't explain it to them live it act it with them your face your body language your tone of voice has to express shaa this is for you your benefit I'm so sorry I can't let you do this and when they say why not you say I'll tell you tomorrow I'll tell you tomorrow don't tell them today you know why because you shift your entire parenting whether at home or at school you shift it to you only have to do what I tell you to do if I can come up with a good enough reason to convince you why you have to do it and that's a lousy form parenting and allows form so what we do is we distinguish between what how am I saying the message to the child I will set rules structure and discipline I will have limits absolutely 0 to two you missed the unconditional love so now act loving doubly act loving act more loving than you ever thought you would ever have to act in your life life tell the child I'm so sorry schaer I cannot let you do this and when the kid say but why you say I'll tell you tomorrow sweetie yeah but why I want to know why they don't want to know why they want to fight you they want to debate you if you may have answered this question partially already okay but I really want to dig a Little Deeper because I think this next question summarizes a lot of the questions that the parents have asked and ask regularly and it's a very valid question you talk always about the rules the structure and the discipline but how do how do we reconcile that in the context of a school particularly a school that strives to create a wellness culture trauma sensitive so when we when a school takes a position um that we can't allow this child to do such and such abut because doesn't that contribute to trauma and how do we reconcile the two where's the place of where it's appropriate to have rules you talked about it's always appropr El elaborate that please it's I'm sorry would answer a lot of the questions course it's always appropriate a school has to have as a home has to have some set of rules structureal discipline or kids grow up with Anarchy that's herent from a wild donkey a man is given birth we have to give birth to them help them grow up to control themselves so how do we do it it's the way you deliver the message I had this system years ago I came up with that and I taught it in many many schools I even one school they did it they wrote it in Yiddish it was so beautiful they made cards of this I suggested they have three cards every Reby has in his pocket a yellow orange and a red card on the yellow card he writes I your rebi understand you're having a hard day on the orange card he writes I your Reby understand you're having a really hard day and on the red card he says I your Reby understand you're having such a hard day please go to the manal get a soda and a Danish and discuss with him why you're having such a hard day and instead of yelling and fighting for compliance and discipline in the classroom you see a kid who's beginning to you know be undisciplined unruly actal you gently walk past while you're teaching drop a yellow I mean you teach this system to the kids this is how we're going to function our classroom you drop a yellow card on what's the message you've just given to the kid I care about you I care about you it's not about my classroom this is about you I want I want you to be happy if he doesn't really pull it together so then we drop an orange card and they tell me I've asked the schools when they did it most kids settle down with the orange card because they really don't want to go to the principal but imagine the difference when we send we have to send this kid to the principal right because they can't keep him in the class he's too disruptive what is the Paradigm the traditional Paradigm Chuck him out he got thrown out he's ordered and screamed out and thrown out he's in no shape to process no shape of feeling cared for and he probably doesn't even understand himself why he was in such a weird wacky mood that day and got into trouble he has no clue he just did he's in a bad place imagine the difference we give him a red card I your Reby understand you're having such a hard day go to the manal he'll give you a Danish and a soda and discuss with him your bad day he comes in with his head down to the manal the whole Paradigm shifts first to get a Danish inoda now let's talk shaa what we're really concerned about is you we care about you I you couldn't stay in the closet and that's why you got a red card he knows that he knows he understands that but let's take him out of the classroom he's not a terrorist this kid isn't a bad human being he didn't ask to be rebellious this morning no kid ever went to the store to get the you know rebellious conflicts and eat them every breakfast so he can go to school and make his teacher or Reby mad he has no clue generally speaking why is he off why is he fidgety why is he impulsive why is he angry why is he in attentive he has no clue and we're punishing him when he has no clue in the new paradig see the old Paradigm of up until probably about 50 years ago we gave him such an angry look that he buried his feelings he disciplined himself with that angry look I submit to you that ship has sailed that world is gone for the vast majority of children and instead we have to replace it with a world of where we articulate clearly to the child our interest is you we want to help you so you're you're saying basically there's things things have changed and we basically have to accept it and work with what we have in front of us B can I give you one more example if I can quickly a rebi came to me this is one I've used many times over but it's it it contains the essence of the sug a rebi is teaching fourth grade and a kid's learning Kish and he says take put your take and one kid sits there not interested Kish on the desk not interested ignores the rabi old y take it Yan and now everyone's looking and he's embarrassed and he gets even more Del put away eventually throw puts away it falls on the floor kids laugh he's ejected from the class a disaster old school what's new school I tell the rebi quietly just y we maybe he just got was daydreaming give him the benefit of the doubt first of all and if you see after you remind him he's doing nothing you walk over to him the rebi quietly whisper in his ear yanii do not take out your mishas it's fine it's okay whatever's going on I don't know what it is but don't worry about it you'll learn mishas later it's fine and you go back and teach nine times out of 10 I beg the rebit tell me if I'm right nine times out of 10 what do you think happens 30 to 60 seconds later he takes out his mishas comes recess you call yanii over and you say Yi that was amazing wow that was amazing wow col to you yon you conquered it now they say what happens if he doesn't take it out even better you call him over and you say Yan that was Mya dick such you had not to take out your mishas and you see does it the next day the next day you call him over and say yane forget about mishas what's going on with you what's happening with you you call him by recess and the kid starts crying that's that's fighting with him in the class scares everyone number one it doesn't do anything good the other kids are resentful they're terrified that you've created a m an environment of fear that's not an optimal place to learn when we create safety with children guess what when we create safety you've created a person who's more receptive to the knowledge to the information because their minds feel safe when you take safety from people you turn off part of their brain the the the prefrontal cortex is is toned down and that's the place you need to be in if you're going to be able to learn so creating fear in your classroom actually inhibits learning again in the world gone by the S petch world that worked we got punched we got caned we got got slippered it happened that world is over we have to come to terms with it but there are systems where we can connect with kids and still have the same rules structure and discipline all we're doing is apologizing to the it's like you give a detention say sh I'm so sorry you got the detention but you have a detention why do have a detention because maybe related question um one of the things I think I know in Pittsburgh we've struggled with and I'm sure others have struggled as well particularly since covid started academic expectations it's a school but children are suffering and have gone through a lot of trauma um and this relates to schedule can we keep these long schedules children really struggle with that and they um their parents are reporting we are all parents mental health professionals are reporting that they just can't handle as much as before but there are academic expect expectations granted we're doing it as you described appropriately with love clearly if we're not doing it with love then that's not the point then that's not successful but how do we balance that in your opinion in a postco world academic expectations children traumatized from that gone through keeping the schedules and some of the rules and the expectations because they're more traumatized and they've gone through so much is there in your opinion has something shifted even further yes very much so very much I think the research will come out and prove it I know in Erol they had incredible research that was uh I was it was frightening to see the number of people who found themselves happier not having to go to yiva not having to go to school they were just happier they'd never been so happy and kids wanted to drop out afterwards and not go back no this is a reality yeah it's really sad so one from a research perspective I think we need to be very very cognizant that the kids were holding them holding them holding themselves together and they're actually maybe not capable of the strict regimen we give them that's a technical issue that schools have to be sensitive to do the research take a look at it don't deny it we are not going back to the exact what was that's not happening anymore we've got to be more sensitive to the kids revisit things re we've got to but I want to say this okay m hatra in my humble opinion does not come through Academia M comes through relationship through connection the desire and want and will of a child to want to continue Al m is going to come through their relationship with their parents and their relationship with their teachers and ream I'll tell you an amazing amazing fact I met many many people in their 30s 40s sometimes who were somewhat turned off going through the system they weren't academic they weren't well- inclined they felt like a loser of failure like they were tolerated by the system at best they're still from but they're hurting inside and I ask them I work with them for a variety of reasons they come to therapy somewhere in the course of the therapy I asked him a question question I asked him is tell me something in the whole course of your career you're telling me all these things about your school career were terrible was there ever a rabby or teacher who really me the world to you everyone says yes there was one there was one special person it was amazing to me he was so good that re in fact they say that rebi is the reason I'm from today because of him I said really said yes I mean he's responsible you're from said yes I think so if not for him I I I don't think I would have stayed from so I said do you mind I'm doing some research if I ask you a question and there's no you can't get this question wrong it's not writer and said don't worry about it just I just want your answer for the sake of research they say okay I say you're telling me this Reb is responsible for why you're from today they say yeah sure I said well do me a favor can you tell me one thing he taught you and there's a silence and they never can they never can and yet that rebi was responsible for that young man being from to this day and I think there are tens of thousands of people out there who who are from because of that not because of Academia of how much they learned we should never as much is teaching and is to us we're trying to teach it to our kids never compromise ever the relationship in the quest of installing your DEA in a child's mind never compromise your relationship because the relationship is more valuable to his K as a than any information you ever put into him every rebi and teacher has to know that you beautiful you remind me of a story Rabbi Dr free told me once he gave a Shear to group of people in their 50s I think who had gone through the system but never really learned how to learn so they learned a blat Gamora and one of the fellows tells him exactly exactly wow exactly and if they if you can connect with them that's much more important to them never compromise it ever let's move to another topic but related topic you talk a lot about learning trauma yes which is one of your Kim yes talk talk to describe and Define learning trauma and what can schools do to support the learning trauma in addition to the some of the ideas you already mentioned right to support not having learning to support not having learning learning trauma so learning trauma you have to understand I just want to add another piece to the question in one I know I know your opinion about homework uh if it'd be up to you you would remove homework as an extension of this question if we don't give homework at all won't that increase learning trauma specifically when it comes let's say to reviewing cre at home won't that add to the learning trauma so two parts to the question okay so so look the word trauma is thrown around everywhere but the essence of the word trauma the essence of what the meaning is is to disconnect trauma is the way is the effect on a human being of a lifethreatening horrifying horrible situation that they were in or near lifethreatening experience from whiches made us our nervous system reacts in a way that we wish to always disconnect from anything Associated to that event the event was so horrific was so frightening I simply want to disconnect from it that's what trauma does it disconnects it it makes sure we do fight or flight we get away from it we protect ourselves from it but we don't go anywhere near it because it's scary that's what it is if a child goes to school and goes to school every single day and every day he discovers that he is an academic failure he can't really do the work he's expect for example a seventh grader right is frequently told somewhere around Kana Time by a well-meaning rebi seventh grade boy that you better turn your engines on now boys because you're going to get for hairs soon right in next right for for mfta and if you don't turn your engines on now by eighth grade it's too late what is actually happening in the boys' Minds all the kids who've had a hard time learning go click and turn off they realize I'm done I'm finished that's kid children's relationship to the academic studies has to be one that is positive and makes me feel I want to learn if my experience on a daily basis daily basis is I get an affirmation of my own stupidity an affirmation of my own inability to learn my an affirmation my own inability to pay attention to f Focus if that's happening every day then the object that's causing micr traumas every day of my life is learning so what happens is the last thing I want to do is go near learning it happens to kids with with daving too the same thing where kids are caned into D who can't read don't understand it don't really understand what's going on and a caned and forced to keep the finger on the place and look inside where we turn that whole experience into a negative TR traumatic experience of feeling like I hate this whole thing I don't want to go near it they actually lose a relationship to ding completely by being forced to do it so what happens is micro mini micro traumas none of which on their own were lifethreatening cumulatively add up to where the kid has to go and it's like walking into cenum every single there who would want to go there we're still we as parents Force our kids to go to school into an environment for the ones who have difficulties learning where they're going to experience trauma now imagine you ask the second question imagine such a kid comes home Nish no he's been a miserable gum all day but now let's continue instead of coming home to the safety of a home where I can get away from it where I can be free from home and breathe and just be in a nice Jewish mil and environment of love anded where I can feel safe now his parents are forced to traumatize him too am I making sense yes it sickens me forgive me it sickens me I feel so sad for these kids I see these kids every day I work with adults who were those kids and they're so broken and hurt inside they don't want to go near it they don't want to touch it CU it's so but homework would be okay for a certain percentage of the children you'd have to Fig have to figure out listen you know it's a sensitive issue I I've heard from various gum they were against homework too you know I I'll tell you this do I have two minutes to tell you something there was a saer came out in on learning disabilities in Hebrew I saw it recently the r the senior R of ker of Kesler wrote hak to this saer I read it in this he says the following what he quotes the sh right and he quotes him as saying what is the problems with today just AG he says it amazing thing quotes from the sh the he heard it from directly he said Z he said m in in Europe kids oh oh no he said like this he said where how do we Define the capacity and ability of a kid to learn based on a calendar cut off date some magical date defines that you fit in this class and not that class and therefore you can learn this way not that way by some magical he said in Europe he said the free it wasn't like that the mamid in the learned and whoever came three and four year olds he says he writes in the safer were frequently found learning with six and seven year olds you learned according to your ability so that you didn't have this experience if you weren't capable of doing it of being traumatized by the Learning then he said something amazing he said and what happened when the kids couldn't stay with the program you know they they were ansy they needed to play the mamid said go outside the and in the there were goats and sheep and cattle and they played with the animals and the chickens and when they needed they went and played help their mother with the laundry and when they ready they came back to class and they just started learning again we have an environment I'm not suggesting we bring cattle into the schools that's not what I'm saying all nor am I saying we just let the kids go and have Anarchy but what we have to do is tune in with compassion and sensitivity and kindness that the kids aren't if when they're not able to do it let's let go of the angry face the frustrated looks the up upset and hurt expectations and instead tune in to how hard it is for them guess what happens when we do that they work with us better learning trauma happens when we create an expectation on a child of learning that they're simply not able to do and we do this day after day year after year and we expect them to come out happy and it becomes simply painful it's painful you kidding I bet you and if someone gives me the money for it I don't have the money but I'm waiting one day when I get the money we will find skids and we'll do a study well I don't know how much we need I want to do MRIs on all these kids and contrast it with rape victims and contrast it with people who were you know s near-death experiences and I bet you the MRIs of learning disabled kids who went through the system will look traumatized just like these other people I mean I've personally seen called clinically I've seen children who put in an effort when they were seventh grade eighth grade ninth grade you saw them trying and then all of a sudden as it got more difficult it's painful for them to engage in learning that's exct will say he doesn't want to learn with me anymore right in seventh grade I could spend 10 minutes doing his homework with him sure one piece of gamor few PUK inashi now he he's three years older and he doesn't want to do it I learning it is of course it is in primary everyone's happy they come home shim is here is right they love hem they love the the Tav they love everything right what happened to that joy we took it from them by you know the more Academia comes in with the false expectations that's not aligned and attuned to where the kids are the more we take that away from the kids that's the way they should be for life we take it from them one final question yes sir because we're running out of time sorry thank you not go ahead we at yiva are pioneering something called Li some of the things you talked about would be incorporated in that in that uh curriculum it doesn't just mean a curriculum it refers to a culture it refers to uh a climate in the school how teachers interact etc etc what would you recommend be included in that type of a curriculum number one thing yes the number one thing that I hope is included and if it's not it should be I've suggested that there ought to be a l class once a week that means like this clearly says guess what that's life we do the other two MIT and we do what do we do with zero we create a picture and image through and and that our life is perfect there's never it's mad L is real it's through being going through life dealing with bullers dealing with bedtime dealing with our struggles with homework dealing with our academic struggles dealing with a sibling who's struggling off the de dealing with lifeo you name it age appropriate conversations with the kids opening them up once a week to face the age appropriate and by the way if we would do this system by the time we come to the internet you had the internet at the beginning of this program we would have a framework that we've created for the kids in which we're now talking about an age appropriately SCI it's not like this scary thing it's just another aspect of life called the internet and we can talk about the physical development you know and those kind of things the thing that we need for wellness for children is to be honest with them about their struggles be interested in actually tuning into their struggles and understanding what their nist are they are not the ones we had it's a totally different world today that's the primary thing that will create Wellness is opening up their hearts that we show an interest and what is actually causing chaos inside them and hurting them so badly a l ban class from probably around third fourth grade and up once a week get trained in create a syllabus and talk about it what are the N of life and get the kids discussing it don't turn it academic please don't attorney academic conversation no homework and not academic no test conversation with the kids and let them just talk it out a free talk it out Rabbi Russell I can't sufficiently express my appreciation that you slept to New York the flow motion Studio here in New York from mer Ro to share the inspiration to share the mission of your life thank you to represent the T and who have unfortunately are struggling out there Hashem number one should bench you continue to spread the Worden and this is just the beginning of this connection thank you we'll bring you back we'll bring you to Pittsburgh and we'll continue to involve you with our team and uh with I want to thank you for this opportunity I my wife and I felt when you described to us what it is you're trying to do with your school the wellness program trying to reach into deeply into the emotional needs of children that a school has a resp in this generation a school has that responsibility and I the kindness and sensitivity with how you expressed it us when you talked to us my my wife and I said to each other we have to go we're done we got to go so thank you I appreciate it I really do thank you okay and you be will