The Sickle and the Ax

Welcome back everybody. We have here a woman's class. Now you could stay. I'm just telling you. You may feel more comfortable. And if he hears me, okay, we're good. Perfect. Okay. Okay. So, there's one source sheet. You put the rest of the copies here. Okay, so welcome everybody. Welcome back and gazum a healthy summer to all of you and all of us. Couldn't ask for a more beautiful weather today. Okay, thank you. Okay. So today's class is dedicated by um Haravid and Rifka Feldman Leila Nishmas her parents Shalom whose birthday is Gimmel and his wife her mother Miriam Baserh Alvashalam as well as in loving memory and Leilanmas her brother Haravi Halevi Bernup Isaac Shalom who passed away last week is Mayor Popec from Colorado. The class is also dedicated by Rahul Rifkin in loving memory of her father Ezra Ben Arthur in tribute of his to his yard site today on the second day of and the class is dedicated by Kazelle de Minkowitz in honor of her own birthday on the second day of mazav happy birthday and in honor of the birthday of the Reb Maharash who I have this to share with his birthday. May we all live our lives on every level with the energy of today's beauty within beauty and the spirit of thank you very very much for your friendship and generosity. So if you open up your source sheets, there's more copies here if you didn't get a source sheet on the table here. It's just one page. And by the way, the source sheets are loaded on the yeshiva.net. So you can also um have them on the computer or share them with somebody. So let me begin with a uh little anecdote as an introduction to what we're going to talk about today. We're going to talk today about uh the mitzvah dealing with revenge, bearing grudges, love, hate and forgiveness. Those are always relevant topics I think till Msiah comes and even afterwards. So they tell an anecdote that there was once Yam Kipper and the rabbi decided to give a sermon about forgiveness. Yam kipper is the day of forgiveness. After the sermon, which was inspiring and uplifting and informative, he asked the audience how many were willing to forgive their enemies. So about half of the people raised their hands. The rabbi wasn't satisfied and he continued to lecture the congregation for another 20 minutes about the importance to forgive. And then again he repeats his question. This time 80% of the congregation raises their hands. He's not satisfied. So he gives a sermon for another 15 minutes about forgiveness and he repeats his question. At this point, everybody raised their hand. Whether they meant it or they didn't mean it. Probably they didn't want a sermon for another few hours on Yamipper. They wanted to get home to eat at some point, but everybody raised their hand besides one elderly lady sitting in the rear of the shul. She didn't raise her hand. He turns to her and he says, "Mrs. Cohen, you're not willing to forgive your enemies. You're the only one in this entire community that's not willing to forgive your enemies." She says, "I don't have any enemies." He says, "That's very unusual. You have nobody in the world that you have issues with. How old are you?" She says, "I'm 106 years old." He says, "Mrs. Cohen, so then you should be giving a lecture. Could you come to the front of the congregation and tell the congregation how a lady can live to be 106 years old and not have a single issue with anybody in the world, not have a single enemy in the world? So, she goes down the aisle and she comes to the front and she faces the congregation and she says, "Because I outlived them all." So, that's uh an old Jewish anecdote. That's one story. Then there's another story they say about Simon Weisenthal. Simon Weisenthal was a very famous renowned Jew from Vienna. He was a survivor of the Holocaust and he dedicated his life to hunt down Nazi criminals. He did this literally till his last day, until his last breath. There's a story I once read about him years ago that he used to share after the war when he was liberated like most survivors he was placed in one of the DP camps. DP stands for displaced persons camps and there was a man another survivor who was living near him in the same room or the same barrack whatever they had there. This person desperately needed money and he borrowed what was a very significant amount of money in 1946. He borrowed $10 from Simon Weisenthal and he assured him that he had a package coming from a relative overseas any day and that package would include more than $10 so that he would be able to pay back Mr. Weisenthal. The week came to an end and Simon Weisenthal needed the money. But the man had an excuse for not paying. The package was delay. The package was delayed. After the next week, he still didn't pay. He came up with a better excuse. After the third week, he came up with another excuse. And this went on for almost a full year. Finally, one day the person approaches Simon Weisenthal with a $10 bill in his hand and he says, "My visa has just come through. I'm leaving for Canada tomorrow. Here are the $10 I owe you." Simon Whisinthl waved him away and supposedly he said, "No, keep it. For $10, it's not worth changing my opinion of you." Now Simon Weiszenthal was a fine man. He was also a survivor and uh we always learn not to judge any person certainly not a person who has been through so much. But I want to discuss what would be the Jewish classic Jewish perspective on such a question. Maybe his response was wrong. Maybe he could have gotten a bargain to give up a grudge for $10. That may be a bargain even so many years ago. But let's delve into this sugara into this theme somewhat. So if we open up your first first source, that's Leviticus 19 verse 17 and 18. Here are some of the most famous two verses one after another. Do not hate your brother which of includes also your sister in your heart. We have it also in the English translation. Oh, I spoke too early. A few words fell out from the English translation. I spoke too early. You should rebuke your fellow. If you see something wrong, if there was an offense, you should share it. You should share your You should share your feelings. You should share the truth with your fellow. But you should not bear because of him a sin. We'll explain in a moment what that means. Do not take revenge. Don't take vengeance. And don't bear a grudge against the members of your people, against the members of your nation. Love your friend, love your fellow like yourself. And the P concludes, I am God. I am Hashem. So in these two, we have a lot. We have the work of a lifetime. The first thing is do not hate your brother in your heart. That's a very interesting expression. Don't hate your brother in your heart. The second point is on the contrary you should share if something is bothering you or if you feel somebody did something wrong to you or to somebody else's which means sharing this with the other person. But the Tyra says, "Don't carry a sin because of him." Which is unclear. It's a little bit of an ambiguous line. What does it mean? Rashi says, "Don't Oh, very good. Thank you." Rashi says, "Abas, don't humiliate him. Don't humiliate him in public. Speak to him in a discreet and fine and uh lovely way because if I embarrass him, then I bear a sin because of him. I may be rebuking him or her but if I'm embarrassing then if I'm embarrassing the person that's wrong. There's other interpretations in these words. Then the says don't take revenge and don't bear grudges against the members of your people. And finally love your friend love your fellow like yourself and concludes. Is the mic too loud? What's good? Clar. Okay. Now don't take revenge is a big statement. Don't take revenge. What does this mean? Don't bear a grudge. So there's a famous rashi. It's a long rashi. It's one of those longer rashies where Rashi illustrates it with an example from daytoday life. And this is not Rashi's original metaphor or illustration. Rashi takes it from the midrashic source called Kayanim. is of course the great commentary of Kazal on it's called orifra and that's where Rashi takes this from even though he makes a few uh changes in the language and it's also in Yuma in Yuma the Gmorrah also brings these illustrations even though in the Gmorra it's a little bit of a different illustration as we will see this is in Yuma page 23 of Gimma let's see Rashi Again, you have it in the Hebrew and you have it in the English. Rashi, do not take revenge. What does that mean? So, Rashi gives us a very detailed illustration. Listen to his words carefully. A person says to his colleague or her colleague, to a friend, to a neighbor, you say to somebody else, lend me your sickle. Sickle as you know was a very common instrument used to harvest grain still used in fields today in farms. So this person asks lend me your sickle. Now you have to understand sickle many of you probably don't use sickles on a daily basis but in the ancient world where people couldn't just go to the store and buy as much food as they want or pantries or refrigerators filled with food. Harvesting grain was your link to life literally. So lending the sickle, please lend me your sickle was a very common request. I need a sickle. The person responds with one word. No. No. The following day says the person who refused, he needs an axe. He has a sickle, but he needs an axe. So Omari he turns to the friend who asked him yesterday for a sickle and he says lend me your cardum is an axe or a hammer. So the latter responds no I will not lend you my axe just as you did not lend me your sickle. When I needed to borrow a sickle you refused. So today I shall refuse my ax says. This constitutes revenge. He continues, "What is meant by bearing a grudge?" The Torah says two things. Don't take revenge and don't bear a grudge. So I understand what revenge is. I refuse to give you the axe and I tell you because you didn't give me the sickle. Quit per quo. I reciprocate. What is bearing a grudge? So says again he gives us a full illustration. A person's colleague says to him lend me your axe. He responds love. No. We already know the guy, right? He says no. Did I just bear a grudge? The guy said, "No, fine. No axe." The next day, the person who refused to give his axe, he needs a sickle. So he tells to the person who asked him yesterday for an axe, he says, "Please lend me your sickle." This person says to him, "Here it is. Here is my sickle. I'm not like you. You would not lend me your axe when I asked it from you. I'm not like you. Hey, here is my sickle. Says rashi zui. This is what constitutes in which means bearing a grudge. is to harbor to maintain to to retain to hold on to that negative feeling towards him. Why? Because this person is harboring is guarding is holding on to the hatred to the animosity. Ava is hatred animosity in his heart even though he is not taking revenge. Unlike in the first illustration where the second person took revenge here he didn't. He actually gave the other person his sickle but he's still harboring this negative feeling saying I'm not like you and that's what the for the prohibits by saying so this is the rash as I said rashi quotes and now I don't mean to get very technical but I will get technical for one moment do you see something strange in how rashi formulates these illustrations anybody sees sees anything strange. What? Anybody wants to share if you're comfortable? Very good. Very good. There's something a miss here. He gives two illustrations. One for revenge and one for bearing a grudge. But you see how he changes the order. And that doesn't seem necessary. Why isn't he consistent? In the first story, I asked you for your sickle. You said no. The next day you asked me for my axe and I said no. Okay, good. Why doesn't Rashi say the next day you came back to ask me for my sickle? Well, that may be practical because if you had a sickle yesterday, you probably have it today, too. So, we don't have to assume that it broke. So, that's why Rashi says, "Okay, you asked me for an axe. I got it and I said no." Now, the second illustration, I would expect it should be exactly the same way. I asked you for a sickle, you said no. The next day you asked me for an axe and I say here it is. I'm not like you. In the second illustration he reverses the story. I didn't ask you for a sickle. I asked you for an axe and you said no. The next day you asked me for a sickle and I said here it is and I'm not like you. Rashi and again this isn't the source of Rashi and make this change. Obviously it's for a reason. It's not just to entertain the crowd by changing the story around. And it doesn't become very the entertainment is not different. Obviously there is some precise messenger what is it? So mo most some people would say what's the difference a sickle an axe the point is clear but you have to understand that with rashi and with all of the kazal these things were very precise there was a reason for it and as we will see as the class evolves this little change which may seem so insignificant and really really inconsequential in the context of what we're talking about really contains ains one of the core messages that is being conveyed here. Okay, so we'll get to that in a moment. So now let's make this practical. If I could take it away from a sickle and an axe. If we could just make it practical and use Rash's illustration. I need a car. I don't have a car. So I ask you to lend me your car in the first case. You say no. The next day you need a phone and you ask me to lend you. you want to borrow my phone and I say no. I'm just like you. You didn't give me the car. I'm not giving you the phone. That's the first illustration. The next case scenario is I ask you to lend me your phone cuz I need a phone. You say no. The next day you ask me to lend you my car and I say here is my car. I will not be like you who refused yesterday to lend me your phone. Again, this is bearing a guard or prohibited by the Tyra. But let's now get in to the general question of there seems to be something very aiss here. And what is it? Let's think about it. The first person who refused to lend a sickle, to lend the axe, did he commit any sin? What do you see here in the first person who said no? Absolutely not. for refusing to lend me your sickle, to lend me your axe, your car, your phone, your gown, whatever it is. You do not violate any prohibition. Absolutely not. The Tyra does not obligate a person to do me the favor I ask of them. Of course, every time you do somebody a favor, every time you do an act of uh kindness, it's a mitzvah. There is a mitzvah of saddaka for a poor person, somebody who doesn't have, there's a mitzvah to give saddaka and fulfill their needs. But somebody who's asking me for a favor, there's no mitzvah. I'm not obligated to give you my sickle or give you my car or give you my phone. If I do it, it's a mitzvah. It's the mitzvah of Every time you do a favor to a person, you're fulfilling a mitzvah. But I'm not morally obligated to lend you my car. I'm not morally obligated to lend somebody my suit or my tie or my dress. I'm not morally obligated to lend somebody my sickle. So the first person who said no, there was no sin involved. He said no. She said no. Yet when I utter the second no, suddenly I'm the one who committed a transgression. When you asked me for my phone and I reciprocated and I said no, suddenly I violated a transgression of the but it seems unfair. The first guy got away with murder. Okay, not with murder, but he got away with saying no. And that's fine. He has the right to refuse my request. No tiness. Nobody can have any complaints to him. When I reciprocated his actions and I refused him basically quit proided suddenly I'm guilty. The says where's the justice? You're allowed to be selfish towards me and I'm not allowed to reciprocate with selfishness towards you. That's unfair. I'm not allowed to be selfish. Why are you allowed to be selfish? If the ty would say somebody asks you to borrow something, you have to give it to them. And then they're not let to take revenge even if you said no. But the Torah doesn't say that. What is more, even if I don't reciprocate your actions, even if I actually lent you that which you requested of me. In other words, I acted kindly, I gave you what you asked for. The only thing is I mention the fact that I'm not behaving like you. I mentioned the fact that yesterday you did it very differently. Still, this is a Toyota prohibition. How are we supposed to make sense of this? The first guy sent me home with Bupkus, as your grandmother would say. He's off the hook. I lent him my BMW or I lent him my private jet or my private yacht and I just told him I'm not as selfish and self-centered as you and I'm the one who violated the prohibition in the Tyra. How do we understand this? He's not doing it out of pro. You're saying the second person, right? So, let's say the first case. Let's say the first case, he doesn't do it. But the first guy gets away with it. The second guy, it's Nama. You're saying it is Nama. And the first guy Okay. Interesting. So this question, this question was raised by two of the great commentaries on Kush. They were two Jews who lived in France. They were from the French sages, the Kakaras, the great sages of French who lived in the 12th and 13th centuries. That's a long time ago. They both have commentaries on. The first one was a man named Rabisf Sher and he comes from a city called Orlon France. It's written like Orleans but it shouldn't be trans it shouldn't be pronounced as New Orleans. I think it's more like Orlon France. And he was one of the writers of the tis he was a pupil of Rashi's grandchildren Rabenam Rabuyak Rabutam and the Rajbam. The second is a very famous commentary on Kumage that comes from another French sage of the 13th century known as the Kiskuni. The Kishkuni was written by Rabenuis Benoyak and his commentary is in fact many of his interpretations are taken apparently from you could see it in the commentary and they both present the same answer. the I think took it from so it seems to me because he lived later and they're both presenting us with the insight of how we we are to understand this mitzvah and it's both morally profound and psychologically profound and as we will see this entire explanation is intimated by Rashi and by the in that change from the sickle to the axe and then from the axe to the sickle There's a very big difference between the first no and the second no. And we can I think all feel the difference. You can almost feel the difference viscerally and of course intellectually we understand the difference. The first no is permissible. The second no is forbidden. It's not just a technical difference. It also teaches us how to live a much more wholesome and meaningful and probably a happier life. If I ask you to lend me something to give me something and you say no, you don't lend it to me or another favor I ask of you and you refuse it. There is no Tory prohibition that you violated. Again, if you do it, it's a galditzvah. But there's not necessarily again I'm not talking about a hungry person, a poor person who needs the stucker to survive. The does not demand of somebody to give away or lend whatever they own to somebody who wants it. Now, why not? The person may have good reasons for not lending it. Why are you not lending me your sickle? I don't know. You didn't tell me why. You may tell me why, but you may not tell me why. Why? It could be you think I'm mammazle, right? You think I'm bushel. You really don't trust me. I ask you for your car. You don't let me. You say no. Why? You want to get back your car in one piece. You know what my car looks like? Cuz we're neighbors, right? And you see it smashed up from every side and every angle. So, you may like me as a person, but in terms of the car, you know what? You also may be overprotective. You may be a little bit with a more rigid nature. You know there are different types of people. There are people who are more of the nature it's called versus people who are more extroverted. They love sharing and they love people and they love giving and they they're out there. And people who are more I don't know what's the nice way of saying it. Huh? Introverted reserved reserved more meticulous. A little more controlling on themselves too. There could be a host of reasons. Maybe it's a new car. Maybe it's a very expensive car. Maybe you're having a bad day. That's also a reason. Maybe you just can't have more. I I'm trying to control everything in my life. Everything is falling apart today. I just need my car at least to know I have a car. Maybe I don't have the mental space right now to share. Maybe I don't know. Maybe I just got off a conver very aggravating conversation with somebody and I just I'm letting it out. And the first way I let it out is by saying to you no, even though you don't even know about that, I'm just giving a few reasons of maybe one million possibilities of why a person says no. Maybe the person is selfish. I don't know. Maybe the person is not the nicest person in the world. Maybe they are the nicest person in the world. The point is it could be the person is not the most generous person in the planet as well. There are people who are extremely generous. You all know people who are just generous. They'll take the shirt off the skin. You all know people that people sitting in this room. I should say everybody sitting in this room, right? But I don't know everybody sitting in this room, but people who literally just share and share every morning when they wake up, they ask not what anybody could do for them. They ask what they can do for other people. But not everybody is like that. Not everybody is like that. And it has to do with so many reasons. physically, chemically, psychologically, spiritually, education, values, life experiences, home you grew up in, parents you grew up with, what type of person you are, what type of person you're married to, what type of home you have, where you are in life, what your psychological, mental state is, and so on and so forth. And because of that, the first person who says no, it's really none of my business why they said no. If we're good friends, I may discuss it with them. I may not discuss it with them. But this is really whatever the case is, whether the person is afraid of damages, whether the person is uptight, whether the person is having a difficult day, whether the person is stressed out, whether the person is a pessimistic uh is of a pessimistic nature and you're the person is just afraid, whether the person can't deal with another headache, the person has a tinge of OCD, the person is on a a more harsh side, whatever it is, a person has an issue with relin relinquishing control, You grew up with survivors and these types of things were just no nos. You hold on. I mean I knew a person uh I knew a person there was no such a thing leaving food on the plate. It was a no no. Now American kids, right? American kids that's what they do with most of the food, right? Especially if mommy made it. So uh but this person they saw hunger and they saw people falling in the street in in Russia and lengra during the war like flies. So for them leaving food on the on the plate was a cardinal sin. It was just a cardinal sin. And you probably know many of our grandmothers how would they show love? None of that not everybody could say I love you but they made sure to stuff you with food to the point that you couldn't breathe. I had a grandmother. She was a I would come to her house and she would say, "My name is called." So, she would give me a whole plate. I finished. And I had to finish the second plate. But that wasn't enough because for people who grew up with a lot of famine, the deepest way you could show love to people you love was to feed them to the point that they couldn't breathe anymore. Today, if your mother would do it to you, right, it would be considered horrible abuse. She's feeding. Look at the food. Potato, bread, pasta, mish carbs. It's mishal. But in those days, bread was considered food. Today, bread is one of the worst things that ever happened to humanity. But then bread was considered food. And potato for sure was was was real food. And pasta, this was already richness. So you have to understand where people come from. You have to tune in to where people come from. There's a beautiful interpretation. There was one of the great masses was of so he says as follows. The beginning of the here is don't hate your brother in your heart. The asks an interesting question grammatically. You first talk about the emotion and then you talk about the object of the emotion. So it should say you understand don't harbor hatred in your heart towards your brother like in English you wouldn't say don't hate your brother with animosity don't hate your brother in your heart don't hate in your heart your brother not this is the famous question of the's answer himself is a is a magnificent answer and it's really expressive You know every commentator there's an expression we say in the so there's a beautiful interpretation what you are you say words express the person what you are you say so the same is true when you read different commentators so when you read his commentary you see who he was so writes that sometimes A person thinks what does hatred mean? Hatred means I want to destroy you. I want to kill you. I want to curse you. I want to take away everything you have. So a person might say I don't have that type of hatred. I don't want to destroy you. I don't want to kill you. I don't want you should have a horrible life. But I just have a lot of negativity towards you in my heart. So you would think that's not called hatred. So that's why the doesn't say and the says don't hate your brother with your heart. The type of hatred is the hatred that would be considered hatred towards a brother. What's a relationship that's appropriate towards a brother? I love my brother. I care for my brother. I want the goodness of my brother. So it says don't hate your brother in your heart. Even if it's a hatred that only relative to a brother, it's called hatred. how a person should treat a brother, how a person should feel like a brother. That's what the Torah wants to say. But he said as follows means don't hate your brother with your heart. Don't define other people based on your heart. You have to understand the way other hearts function. People have hearts. I have my heart. You have your heart. And everyone's heart beats differently, not just physically, but also emotionally. You have to know what people go through with their hearts. Somebody sent me today something pretty profound in the morning. I understand now that I am not a mess. I am a deeply feeling person in a messy world. I explained that now when someone asks me why I cry so often, I say for the same reason that I laugh so often because I'm paying attention. Don't hate your other brother coming with your heart. I come with my heart, my expectations, my experience. And I think to myself, how why are you so apathetic, so indifferent, so cruel, so selfish, so centered based on my heart? He says, but you have to tune in also to another person's heart, another person's background, another person's wounds, another person's traumas, another person's issues, another person's experience. He says, you have to be able to tune into another heart. So we come back now to our discussion. The first person who says no, why they said no. As I said, it could be a million and one reasons why they said no. But the bottom line is it's really between them and themselves or it's really between them and Hashem. So I said, "No, it's between me and me. It's between me and God. Maybe it's between me and my therapist. Maybe it's it's between me and my demons. Maybe it's between me and my own struggles and my own challenges now, but I said no to you or you said no to me. That's true. And it's not what I wanted to hear because I need the sickle or I need the axe or I need the car. But the is saying it's really not my concern. The other person said no. It's their property. They have a right to say no. There's no reason for me to loathe you, for me to even harbor this upsetness and anger and resentment to you because you said no. Your refusal could have been for 100 different reasons. And by no means should I take it as an affront to me and become defensive and therefore want to take revenge or bear a grudge to you, who knows, for months, maybe even for years, for decades. even if I may be upset because I need it and I didn't get it. That's the first no. Now something else happens when you ask of me something the next day and the reason I'm not giving it to you is not I'm not giving it to you because I'm afraid you're going to damage it. A person doesn't have to give something to somebody that they're afraid they're going to damage it. You're not obligated. It's a beautiful thing if you do it. I mean, if you're so generous, but the reason I'm not giving it to you is not because I'm afraid I'm not going to get it back or I'm afraid that it's going to end up a shipwreck or it's going to be towed away. I'm doing it in order to take revenge. Or even if I'm giving it to you, I'm harboring this resentment towards you when I give it to you for you not lending me yesterday what I asked of you. That's why I'm telling you, I'm giving it to you. And I'm not like you. Why am I telling that to you? I could just give it to you because I want to make sure that I know and you know how deeply offended I am by you and I am carrying that in my chest. That's a different story. Now I'm harboring toxicity in my heart. Now your story, I become entangled with your story. Now I'm busy living your life vicariously. Now I'm busy defining you. Now I'm busy judging you. Now I'm going into your kitchen, your bedroom, your heart, your intimate life, deciding who you are and who you're not. This the says this is not a way to live. Now I'm operating in a dangerous and vicious orbit called revenge. If I have a good reason not to lend you my phone, grant it. I'm not obligated again to share my phone with you or my car with you. You're not obligated to share your property with me. Again, it's a beautiful mitzvah, but there's no obligation. Maybe I'm right. Maybe I'm wrong. Doesn't mean the person who said no was right. Maybe they're wrong. Maybe they have to work on themselves. Maybe there are some issues you should deal with. Maybe you don't have to propagate all the negative stuff even though you grew up with it. Maybe it's other stuff that you have to work on. But I did not transgress a sin by not sharing my property with someone. Sometimes a person needs boundaries. Sometimes it's not going to work. Whatever it is, there could be so many different reasons as I said. But when I'm refusing you to do the favor, why I'm now busy with you. The first no is not busy with you. The first no is my no. The second no is not your no. You see the difference? It's such a subtle difference. The first no is coming from me. I said no. Right, wrong, between me and God. The second no is not coming from you. The second no is coming from you. But it's about me. The second no is you living my life. The second no is you living in my brain as though you know me. The second no is my issues or not issues that you don't even know about are now defining your heart and your chest. So when somebody is refusing to do back a favor because of revenge this is inconsistent with the morality of with the morality of Yiddish. When my behavior is being directed by animosity and my desire for revenge or bearing a grudge, this is already no good. And in fact, it will corrode me. It will corrode my relationships. It will corrode my internal soul. And ultimately, it corrods a community. Even if I don't take revenge, but I just make sure to tell you that I'm not like you. What does it mean? It means I'm very nice, but I'm walking around with a lot of resentment in my heart. I'm walking around with toxicity in my brain. The Toyota does not want people to walk around with toxic negativity in their brain, harboring grudges and feelings of what a terrible human being you are. Yeah. Oh, so you're saying what if you're telling it to the person not to bear a grudge. Excellent. Excellent question. Right. So that's a very different situation. If I'm sharing, if I have a good friend, even in the first case, even the first case, if I have a very close friend and I ask you for something and you say no, you should probably give an explanation. If we're not close friends, okay? Right? But you should probably give if you care for the relationship. Not that you have to say yes to every person always. Maybe you need the car or maybe somebody's coming to take it. Maybe you're waiting for a phone call that you've been waiting for, you know, 6 months. But you should explain it to the person. When the person on the other hand gives you back something and explains themselves and may share a negative emotion they're having in order to clear it up, that's a good thing. That's a good thing. We just learned comes before. You understand? That's very different. Harboring the grudge is I'm not even interested in hearing what you're saying. I just want to tell you I'm not like you. I'm not like you. That's what I'm busy telling you that I'm not like you. There was a wise person who once said that hanging on to resentment is letting somebody you despise live rentree in your head. I think it was Dr. Tski All of a Shalom. He says even if you want your enemy to live in your head, at least charge them rent. Why are you letting them live in your head rentree? What is happening in this case though is even worse. I'm allowing my perceived enemy to live in my brain rentree. I don't know that this person is my enemy. There's so many stereotypes people have. I said good job to you. You didn't answer. So now I think you're not talking to me anymore. Right? What happened? Somebody was screaming in your other ear and your pasha didn't hear. Here I don't even know. You said no. That's it. Why do I have to start now writing a commentary on your life? It's not even an enemy. It's a perceived perception. I'm walking around. I'm not like this person. I'm not like this person. That means I'm not in a good space. I'm living other people's lives. I don't have time. I have time for that. I don't have enough going on in my own system. When my heart swells with resentment, I'm not in a divine space. I'm not in a healthy space. And I'm not capable of serving Hashem really at that moment because my mental state is really abducted by somebody else's issues. Somebody once said that resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. And it's a very real idea. I'm drinking the poison and I'm hoping somebody else is going to be affected. What smoking is to the lungs, resentment, I would say, is to the soul. And even one puff is not good. So resentment is I light myself on fire hoping that my enemy will die from smoke inhalation. That's what it's like. Now, somebody's asking you a good question. What if you have it? It's all very nice in theory, but what if I'm walking around with resentment? What if I have resentment? You did not lend it to me and I'm I'm resentful. So, it's all a beautiful explanation. You know, one of the less wise things you could tell somebody in certain situations is you shouldn't think this way or you shouldn't feel this way. Thank you, genius. You think I chose to feel this way? You think I wake up every single morning and I say, "God, please give me resentment. Please fill my heart with negativity and animosity. What does it mean? You shouldn't think this way. You shouldn't feel this way. I wish I didn't have to think this way." Some people suffering from anxiety and somebody says, "You shouldn't think this way." Thank you. Thank you. Now, maybe you can give me the tools how not to think that way. So we'll get to that in a moment. But now let's see how all of this can be appreciated in the original text of these commentaries and then we'll see how Rashi all intimated it in that one word. So take a look the third source and I'll read it inside in Hebrew. It's very clear. He writes very smooth and the explanation is clear. If you're gonna say Y how he beautifully asks this question. I don't understand the person who didn't want to lend me my sickle. God doesn't mind. And you know what? He didn't even do I didn't even do anything to him. At least I'm saying no for a good reason. I'm taking revenge. I should have been justified. Such an interesting question. I'm the one who's right. At least I have a good reason for saying no because that guy behaved inappropriately, but he he has no reason. I'm a nice guy. I never told him no before. So, he gets away with it and I don't get away with it. It doesn't make sense. What if he says no? You're right. Very good. Very good. We'll see you in a moment. We'll see you in a moment. He's saying, "What if the second no is not coming from revenge?" Right. Okay. We'll get there in a moment. You're right. Then it's not wrong. Then it's right. What if I have a new expensive car and I'm afraid that you're going to wreck it? Or what if I need it? Or what if I have to go to the airport to pick up my daughter and I can't give it to you now. That's not there's no animosity there. So you come to me, I borrowed I wanted to borrow eggs from you yesterday. You didn't have eggs. Then you come the next day, you ask me for eggs and I say, you know, I have two eggs. My kid really needs it for breakfast. I'm not taking revenge. I'd love to give you the two eggs. So that's not revenge. That's not revenge. And that's I'm not bearing a grudge to you. I just have two eggs and this is the only thing my boy eats for breakfast. And if he doesn't eat the two eggs, he's not going to eat all day cuz lunch in yeshiva for him is like, you know, of course a no no. Even though it's pretty good lunch, so I should eat these eggs. I'm so sorry. You know, you have to prioritize. I mean, if it's an emergency, it's an emergency. But that's not revenge. I'm not bearing a grudge to you. These are my right. Somebody wants to borrow a beautiful wedding gown you have for a wedding. The only problem is you have a wedding that night. I mean, so he says as follows. Here's the answer. The first person didn't say no out of hatred necessarily. I don't know. He loves his sickle. He likes it. He likes his car. He just doesn't want to give it to anybody. Sorry. I like my tools. Some people like their tools. You know people with tool boxes, they like their tools. You know such people. Some people have rules that they don't And they have rules. Yeah. It's They don't lend tools cuz those things usually come back. Yeah. It's like lending a pen, right? I once asked somebody for a pen. He said, "I'm not lending it to you. I'm giving it to you as a gift cuz I know you're not going to give it back to me." Okay. So, if it's a nice expensive pen, I don't want to give my pen. Very interesting words. God will not force us somebody to lend something if they don't want. These are choices you have to make in life. Generosity is beautiful, amazing, splendid, holy, divine. But ultimately, you have to make that choice. What works? What doesn't work? You know sometimes we're martyrs at the of our health, our spouses, our children. It's beautiful to be a martyr, but sometimes other people die in the process too. You know, I remember many years ago there was a a ladies convention somewhere. It was a very big convention and they invited me a year before. So I said yes. I put it down on the date two months before I realized I couldn't know it a year before that my wife was due that week. I called them up and I said, "I'm sorry, but I have to uh I have to cancel because I don't know." So they said, "Could you arrange something?" I said, "No, for that you you got to talk to God." So they said, "But there's a thousand women coming and they're all waiting for you and let your mother-in-law come here and she'll be here." So she really let me have it. So I called my sister for advice. So my sister who's a wise lady said listen mirus nefish you could do on your but not on your wife's right. So you know as they say Mr. Nefish it's beautiful. You want to be a martyr on your okay I don't also know if it's always uh the right thing to be a martyr because sometimes it has long-term effects that uh you know damage a person in ways that they don't realize but certainly on another these are things every person has to figure out what are their appropriate boundaries. So he says the does not force you to lend what you don't want to lend. Maybe you're too attached to your two bucks. But when he comes the next day and he wants to borrow your axe and you do give out your axe, you don't have a problem. You're actually a you're you're a different nature. You give out your axe. If not for the revenge, you would have given it to him. If you wouldn't have given it to him anyway, cuz he doesn't give out sickles and you don't give out access. Okay. But here says, "I would have given it to you, but because of what you did yesterday, now I'm never going to give it to you." So he says, "So now there's an element of hatred that's living inside of me. There's an element of my heart is in a bad place. There is negativity in my heart. That's why I'm not lending. So, Hashem says, listen to these words. Let love defeat hatred. It's a very interesting expression from one of the this is the 12th century. Let love defeat hatred. Let you're experiencing resentment. I get it. But let your love that you have to me defeat and be triumphant over the hatred that you're experiencing because of his no and lend it to him because of my love and don't take revenge and thus peace will flourish among you. And it says, "If you have a friend, I'm sorry, you have an enemy and he has a dunkey and you see his dunkey crouching under his burden and you want to say, why should I go help his dunkey? This is somebody I really don't like." And there's a mitzvah, go help this person's dunkey. Let the love you have to me defeat the negativity you have towards him and help him because of my love. That's what means in that all the pathways of are pleasant and all of its roads are made out of it's made out of peace. What is he adding here? Hashem says you're now having an issue. I'm not just telling you to overlook what's happening. I'm telling you to look at the love. The love you have to me, let it defeat the hatred because I love him or I love her. These are my children. So if these are my children, if you have a relationship with me, automatically have a relationship with them because I love them. If you love me, I care about peace. If you love me, I care about people taking revenge. This bothers me. It hurts me. It destroys me. Don't say you love me and you hate my children. It doesn't work that way. Somebody tells you, "I love you. I love you. Your children, I'm never going to look at them again. They make me feel so grotesque." So a Jew says in the morning, "Love God with all your heart." He says, "Let that love defeat and all the hatred that there is, the negativity." So therefore says the second though the says you should not engage in the also from France he says and I quote next paragraph he asked the same question again the person who said no for no reason he gets away with it and the person who said no for a good reason he is considered committing something wrong. The first guy may have a little bit of a stingy dimension to him. Torus means a narrow eye. Some people are just not everybody, you know, is is is Mr. Rogers. Not everybody is uh is is Mr. Love. Not everybody has a heart as big as the world. Some people have taran. Okay. So they have to work on it. So hopefully they'll work on it. Means I'm a little bit on the rigid side. A little bit on the rigid side. My sickle is is is very dear to me. Fine. The second person would have lent it. It's just because of the revenge. So now it's hatred that's living in my chest. The second no is based on hatred. It's based on on judgmentalism. It's based on negativity. This I have to realize is going to be damaging not only for the other person. It's going to be damaging also for me. According to this we'll understand eloquently why Rashi changed the illustration. You remember from day one to day two what happened? Why did Rashi why did Rashi change? I saw this explanation. I was looking around. There's different asks this question. The mascul asks this question. These are commentators on rashi. But I saw another interpretation. There's a safer called understanding by hidenheim. And uh I saw this interpretation quoted in the works of nama liowitz who was a very famous teacher in Israel. of so she quotes his interpretation. What's the difference between a sickle and an axe? A sickle is used to harvest grain. An axe is used to fell trees and to splinter logs and lumber naturally. And the Gmorra says this in Baba Mitsia page 82 dpe bay a sickle is much more delicate. You can even see how it's shaped and therefore it can get damaged faster due to its delicacy. Even if you use it in a regular fashion, not in a very dramatic way and you don't overuse it, but it weakens it. An axe is literally much more harsh and much more tough and that's why you can deal with tough trees. In the first scenario, I asked you for a sickle. A sickle is a delicate tool. It's like asking for the expensive car that's new. You know the old cynical joke, right? When you see a man holding the door open for a woman, it means either it's a new car or a new wife. But it's not a nice joke, but you get the point. So this person has a very very del. It's not my car that's been used already for 25 years and it's a it's already living after this is very expensive. It's my sickle. So, there may be a good reason why I I said no. There may be a good reason for it. I'm afraid it's to get damaged. And I don't think you have maybe the most blessed hands. I may be right. I may be wrong. So, I don't give it to you. And even if you have good hands and even if you're going to take care of it, but regular use cheapens it. I may not have the money to buy another sickle. A sickle is expensive. I need it for my daily use. I'm a farmer. I need to harvest my grain. I said, "No. Now, the next day when I refuse to lend you my axe because you didn't lend me your sickle, we can assume it's revenge. Had I refused my sickle the following day, we can assume the first person wasn't doing anything wrong. The second person is not doing anything wrong. You didn't lend me your sickle. The next day, your sickle breaks. You want my sickle? I'm not lending you my sickle. Does it mean I'm the kindest person in the world? Okay, maybe I'm not the kindest person in the world. I'm a person. I don't have to give you my sickle. That's why in the first case I asked you for a sickle. You said no. The next day you asked me for an axe. An axe which is much cheaper, which doesn't get damaged, which can deal with more tough situations, which doesn't get ruined when it's used. And I still said no. Why did I say no? To take revenge. You said no. Quit perquo. I'm going to say no. Now let's go to the second scenario. In the second scenario, I asked you for an axe. This is interesting. I didn't even ask you for a sickle. I asked you for axe is not a but I asked you for something that relative to a sickle is like a I asked you for an axe and what you said no. You said no. That seems selfish. It seems selfish. I don't know what it is, but it could seem selfish. I asked you for an axe. What did I ask you? I asked you for a tissue box. You said, "No, the next day you ask me for a sickle and I give it to you. I give it to you." But when I give it to you, what do I say? I say, "I'm generous. I'm a nice person. I have a heart of gold. I'm not like you who don't doesn't even give an axe and I'm ready to share with a sickle." Sometimes I may say, "Oh, now harboring a grudge is absolutely justified. Look at the difference. He wouldn't even give me a sickle. He wouldn't even give me an axe and I'm ready to give him a sickle. The Tyra says even this is prohibited. Don't start living another person's life and figure out why he didn't give you an axe. And if you want to give him a sickle and you're not giving it because of the grudge, even if you give it to him, but you make sure that that grudge is still in your heart and he knows about it. The Tyra says this is something that a Jew needs to stay away from which now so here you see that change in that one illustration brings out the contrast and brings out the point and that's why in this starts off with the words see how far revenge and bearing grudges goes because with this change of the illustration we see the Tyra's full-fledged perspective. active on this. But now let's take it to the next step. If somebody refused to lend me their axe or their sickle or their car or their phone or their dress or their suit or their tie or the book or whatever it is, okay, new as we say, you go to another neighbor, right? But then there's the question and Dan points this out. He says, 'Don't confuse this with saying that if somebody owes me money, I'm not allowed to go ask them for their money. That's revenge. I'm not allowed to come to them a year later and say, you know, you owe me money. I'm not allowed to take them to for the money. Or if somebody damaged me in another way and they owe me financial loss, the Raan says, I mean, you could forgive them, but don't think that this is included in this mitzvah. You're not harboring a grudge against them, but justice should be served. if somebody stole money from me or if somebody caused damage to my property. So the Ramban says don't think the is telling you oh you're not let a garage. So somebody damaged you and it cost who knows how much money it's fine just let go. That's not what it's talking about. He says all these situations it's not somebody stole money from you. They didn't give you a sickle. They didn't steal money from you. They didn't damage your property. They didn't destroy your car. It's a very important distinction. Sometimes people don't realize that has nothing to do with nama with nat. That's something called yosher. It's called sedic. It's called justice. Again, people could forgive what they want, but you can't demand that from somebody. It's not called revenge. It's not called bearing a grudge. It's called yosher. There's a contract. There's an obligation. I worked for you or you did something. This is the money you owe me. Right? Whether it's something physical, whether it's a different type of damage. He says whether it's a bodily damage, whether it's a financial damage. The Ramban says this here on But now we come to one more step and that has to do a person says I'm not going to lend it to you. Okay, they're not lending me something. I don't have to interpret it. But there's also a situation where a person hurts you not just by not lending you something by saying no which can also be hurtful but the says don't go there. Don't build cities and palaces and mansions based on their no. Let it go. They may have great reasons. Just let it go. Learn to let it go. People are allowed to say no to you. Somebody's allowed to say no. That's it. You don't have to build a case. It's fine. And tomorrow just be a mench. If this is something that you give, share it and share it with beautiful. But what happens when the person doesn't only tell me no. The person also adds a few words. You know what do they say? is putting in the knife and then there's twirling it. Sometimes a person is insulted. Sometimes a person is wronged. I'm not talking about financially. Sometimes a person is wronged emotionally. It has an emotional effect. It could be also practically and physically. And if I'm a human being, I may feel hurt. I may feel upset. I'm not made of steel. And the people who say that they're made of steel are usually also not always made out of steel. This might be a coping mechanism to avoid the feeling of hurt. This is where we have to come to the previous. So now we come to your question. What if you are my best friend and what if you told me no yesterday and it did hurt me because of my expectation because of our relationship and the next day I want to talk to you about it because you didn't explain yourself that's why I said earlier if you have a very good friend and you say no you should explain yourself if it's not a good friend okay if I'm walking here and somebody says can I have your phone for five minutes I may say I'm so sorry but I'll usually say I have to run I have to run somebody's waiting for me Yeah, I grew up in the crown night section of Brooklyn when the labreba would walk home. So he liked walking home himself sometimes late at night. There were people who would come and stop and there could people that would speak to him for a long long time and it was really not always it was really not always uh was not always the appropriate thing. So there was once a yid who came and I don't want to call him a nudnik because I don't know what the situation was but ganjut and ganjit and ganujit. So the labb was married to the daughter of the previous lab is known as so just the so finally he looks at him and he says I would love to continue talking to you but's daughter is waiting for me right so you explain yourself can I have the phone I really have to run my wife is waiting for me. But sometimes a person doesn't get to explain themselves. Maybe it's too long. Maybe there was no time. Whatever it is, but if it's a good friend, you should explain yourself. And if not, the person may the next day come and share with you what they're feeling. That has nothing to do with bearing grudges. That has nothing to do with harboring hatred. That's why we come to the previous p. What's the previous p? Don't hate your brother in his heart. You should rebuke the person and don't bear a sin because of him. What does this mean? Even in a case where I feel hurt, maybe the no is coming from somebody I really didn't expect it from and I got hurt. Or maybe it's something else. It was more than a no. The says don't beer hatred in your heart. Rather speak to the person. Don't let it build up. Approach the person who hurt you and ask for an explanation or an apology. And I want to show you how the Rambam puts it beautifully. And this is close to nine centuries ago. Rambam's day is Rambam laws of ethics chapter 6 section six. This is ins. When a person does something wrong to another person, today we call it repression. Don't repress it. Don't let it sit silently in the chambers of your heart. Abalam is you may have remember the story between Amnan and Tamarik's daughter and Amn behaved inappropriately with Tamar Shalom hated Amnan. So the Rambam says what's the wrong way of doing it never again spoke to Amnen not good and not bad because he hated him. You would think that's the way to do it. I hate you. I won't talk to you. The Ram says absolutely not. You know why? Because it's not that the hatred goes away. The hatred builds up and it's never dealt with. And ultimately ultimately it resulted in that case in murder. It's a mitzvah to have a conversation to speak to this person and say, you know, you hurt me. Why? What? What happened? Why did you do this? Why did you sin against me through this and this behavior? There's a mitzvah to confront a situation, to confront a person and really have a conversation with them. What does that do? That allows the resentment to be released. That's why it says in your heart. The issue is not when I tell the person I'm having a really negative feeling. That's a mitzvah. The issue is I'm keeping it hidden in my heart which means it eats up on me. It eats me up and it maintains the negativity, the animosity because there's no conversation. There's no followup. There's no closure. So the says means have the conversation. Talk to them. Ask them. Be curious. You may find out number one, maybe they were clueless. Maybe they really didn't know what happened. Maybe they were living in their own world. Maybe allow them to explain what happened. Maybe allow them to apologize. Allow them to say, "I'm sorry. I made a terrible mistake. I was in a bad place. I was immature. I was young and stupid. I was having a crazy day. What I did was wrong." But listen to them here. Later, we could see what happens. Now, the person may say, "You're wrong. You're wrong. It's your problem. the person may respond that way. We don't know. But says from your perspective, you put it out there. And if the person says, you know what, I was wrong. Can you forgive me? A person should forgive. The one who's asked for forgiveness shouldn't now become tough and say, "I'm never forgiving." Rather the says a person should try as much to forgive. So we have different situations. We have a case where a person said no no revenge and no grudges. We have a person where somebody stole my money or damage my property. You have the full right to demand compensation. It's not called revenge. It's not called bearing a grudge. It's you want your money back. It's not called revenge. It's called justice. You were damaged. Your money was taken. and you want it back and you deserve an apology and then you have a situation where somebody may have hurt was hurt and then the Ram says it's a mitzvah to confront to speak about it to let it out to express it. You see with couples or siblings or family, people sometimes build up cases against each other and there's no conversation and it goes on for years and years and years and now there's confirmation bias and now when you said this at the bitzvah it confirms that what I thought about you 25 years ago is absolutely accurate and then it continues for generations. we could sit down and have a conversation. And when you have that conversation, miracles happen. People suddenly learn about the humanity of the other person. Now, sometimes there are situations you have a conversation and the person is even more obnoxious and he's even more rude. Not only don't they apologize, but they blame you for the catastrophe. That's a whole different situation. That's a situation where they don't apologize. Here the is saying they apologize. What if a person completely does not apologize? Not only that, they blame you. You become the criminal. You come to talk to them and you become the absolute criminal. In other words, they are in a very very dark space. And here, what does the Tyra say here? Here, you're not obligated to forgive them. They didn't ask. You're not obligated. The Rambam says it's aidus. The pious people would forgive always, even if the person didn't apologize. But that's not an obligation. here the person said I'm sorry they're they're they're sincere when a person says you're guilty you're the one I don't apologize ever I'm always right like the person who said I never made a mistake in my life the only time I made a mistake was back in 73 when I thought I made a mistake that was my only mistake or somebody once said you know he's a self-made man and he worships his creator so here if there are certain hearts that could forgive the has a some comm community say it beforeh every night instituted a I don't know if some of you may be familiar with it in some sidurum it exists it's a beautiful beautiful but it's not an obligation instituted it that before a person goes to sleep and it's a good way of going to sleep peacefully to let go I forgive those who provoked me or angered me or hurt me in my body or in my money or in my honor whether they did it willingly or by mistake unwillingly in this gilgal or in a different gilgal in a different reincarnation it's a beautiful beautiful of but the can't obligate a person to do that again this is something that you have to work on because you can't tell a person to forgive. It's something that you have to cultivate within yourself. So you see how the orchestrates this very very carefully. It's not like you know you just turn your other cheek and get ready for another smack. It doesn't work like that. Now this has nothing to do with constructing boundaries. Constructing boundaries is important always. It's even important with the closest people. Boundaries is not about revenge or grudges. Boundaries is about everybody having the ability to function in the best way so they can actually be there for the people that they love. How do people forgive? What does forgiveness come from? What if somebody did hurt me? It seems from all the sources that forgiveness comes from five things. When you realize five things. Number one, forgiveness comes from when we realize that we are all affected by the sadness and by the weakness of human beings living in this world. Many of us and who doesn't make mistakes. We all suffer from some type of wounds. We all have to deal with different types of struggles. The human condition is flawed. People have hurt us. But I have also I also hurt others. So you may may have hurt me but I may also have caused hurt to others. We want to be forgiven and therefore we forgive others. I want to be forgiven for my mistakes and even if it wasn't a mistake I want to be forgiven so I could forgive another person as well. I ask Hashem to forgive me for my mistakes. So that dignity I have to afford to others. That's one element. It's just recognizing in many ways we're all in the same boat. Doesn't mean the person was right, but it means I could forgive. Forgiveness comes from a second point. It comes from a person realizing that your core self could never be destroyed by anybody. And that's a very deep recognition when a person realizes that there is a they have an deep unshakable confidence as a child of Hashem. Nobody can destroy my inner eye. Nobody can destroy your kami. That innate eye never becomes a victim. I may not know about that inner eye. It may be eclipsed. It may have suffered. It may went into may have gone into hiding. But when I could reach that space, I could forgive from there because at my core, I'm never a victim of other people's bad decisions. But that's a very deep place where a person has to reach. The more I could find my inner core, the easier it is to forgive. Number three, forgiveness comes when I realize that holding on to the lack of forgiveness is not only not good for the other person, it's also not good for me. Not only for the perpetrator, also for me. When I withhold forgiveness for you, from you, I'm also punishing myself. And the fourth thing is a world without forgiveness is a dangerous world. It's really a dangerous world because cycles of violence just never cease. The world lives only with forgiveness. It's true with families. It's true with communities. It's true with nations. And it's true with cultures and peoples. You sometimes see families. There was a there was a debate between two brothers. Some of you know this unfortunately from relatives or friends or other people. And uh it's heartbreaking. 40 years later, they're still not talking to each other. My brother, I have a brother, his name is Barak Shalam. So he was uh once asked to officiate at a funeral. This was a secular Jewish family. So he comes to the grave site and uh he sees there's two groups. There's a group standing on one side and a group standing on another side. So my brother goes over to the widow who lost her husband and says, "Why are there two groups?" So she says, "Oh, these are my two sons. They haven't spoken to each other for 25 years. They're not going to be able to speak to each other now either." So they're they they're both at the funeral or two separate sides. So my brother tells me he said I decided to make up a new hal that doesn't exist and I said to the mother we have a big problem. She says what's the problem? He said I can't bury your husband. She says why not? He says because you cannot bury the husband without the children standing together talking to each other holding hands and saying the kadesh together. So we're not going to be able to bury him. I mean, you can get a priest, but if you want a Jew to do it, now she was a real Jew. A priest? My husband would kill me. You want a rabbi to do it? Well, the family has to be together. So, this was an old tough Jewish woman. She went over to my She went over, you guys should be embarrassed with yourself. Your father's going to stay here. The corpse is going to stay here unbreed because they said, "What are you talking about, ma? Let him bury him. He can't until you guys come and talk to each other." So, they came together. They shook hands. They started to talk to each other and it wasn't so bad. Nobody died and their father was buried and the family was united, reunited. It's so sad when you see that people can harbor these grudges and it may be one person taken, forgiveness. The clea writes, he gives an unbelievable example in this week's para. I'll just use an illustration that will be very familiar with us. You know when children sit at the beach and they build castles out of sand, right? And they work hard on those caves and bridges. You know what I'm talking about, right? And then a big wave comes and destroys the castles. So they can't blame the wave because it's part of God's nature. But let's say you come with your water and you pour it on it. The clea says, "And your child freaks out and says,"Kill that person who just did that. Kill him." The klaya says, "And you'll listen to your child. You'll go kill him." And when the judge will say, "Why did you murder him?" He says, "Well, he destroyed a castle." What type of castle? A castle built out of sand, a house built out of cards. Cleakar says, "That's how people sometimes live. They take a castle built out of sand, and they turn it into a reason not to speak to their brother and sister for decades." And at the end, what does it have to do? It has to do with a couple of dollars or a house or this or that. He says, think about the shortterm gain and the long-term loss. So where the world can only live when there's forgiveness. And the fifth is maybe the deepest and also the hardest. And that is it's like the story of Ysef and his brothers. Ysef told his brothers, "You didn't sell me. God sent me." When a person realizes that ultimately whatever happens to me in this world, the person who did it didn't choose it. They may have chosen it and they may have to be penalized. But what happened to me is part of my journey and it was there to bring me to the place that I have to become that I have to come to. That's the fifth level. So you have five reasons for to forgive. There's probably more but these are the five big ones. Number one, we recognize the vulnerability of people. You may have made a mistake. I also make mistakes. I want to be forgiven. I forgive you. Number two, you recognize your inner eye that can't be destroyed. You could forgive from that space. Number three, you realize that not forgiving is also harmful for the one who needs to forgive. Number four, you realize how important it is for the world that cycles of violence and hatred don't continue. And number five, you realize that whatever happened to you ultimately was there to bring you to the place you have to come today. It wasn't a choice that somebody made that has gives them the power over your life. Only Hashem has a power over a person's life. Like the BMP was told by his father, don't fear anybody or anybody in the world but Hashem. I'll just finish off with a story that somebody told me a few days ago, literally a few days ago. I have a friend, his name is Khazen Breer. He's a very, very talented caner. He lives in Williamsburg, a young Khazen. And he shared this story with me. Last year he was invited paras which means a few weeks before pes after purim to do avas Williamsburg he was hired for for a weekend to come Friday and to davin Friday night in Shabas day for a for a family sra williamsber okay it happened to be para's pra when we read the extra para about the porum of the red heer now is a kazin he's a real kazin so you know kazan davin like kazan davin So he tells me he was standing shabas morning and he was domining slowly and singing every paragraph with his beautiful he's a very beautiful voice canal melodies and somebody in the crowd who was not the person who hired him and was not the balsima just somebody who was there for whatever reason didn't like the way he was davening so from his place he's like no no no you know come on like hurry up and he goes over to him and he's like you know knock it off. He didn't say but just like knock it off with his hand. He made his gesture do it much faster. So Kazra told me he says Rabbi I realized you know he didn't hire me and there's a whole crowd here and we're davening and it was a beautiful dvening and I don't really have allegiance to him and he shouldn't be calling the shots. It's not even his shoulderism. So I just ignored him and I continued. But I as I ignored him and it continued he became more frustrated and was screaming and was hollering and made a ruckus in the place said okay listen it is what it is I'm just going to do my thing he domin now it's time for khazar sashhats to repeat this person comes over and says you're fired as a kazin I will do the khazar sashhats myself and he says go we don't need your khaz I'll do it he was a little surprised by uh this person's audacity, let's call it that way. So he says, "Listen, he's not going to make a fight here." But the crowd says, "One second, we hired him as the or he is the not you. So if you want to say all these blessings, you can't because he is the one that the appointed, not you." The guy apparently was from, so that worked for him. So he sat down and finished he take out the cifra and as he went to the bim somebody announced this week is paras so we have two. So this person gets up by the bimma and said because it's paras it was so appropriate that the kazin sounded like a par the kazin sounded like an ox like they say in yiddish aasa o that's what his voice was like. So we actually have an illustration this shabas of what a par is when you heard this kazan kazra is a very refined person he's a friend of mine he's a person so he told me what am I going to respond person is screaming at me he's calling me a par he says it is what it is I didn't say a word they read the and shine after davening he says aid comes over to me his name is or the kahesh green and he says listen the kazal talk about somebody who's embarrassed and they love him and they don't fight back there's a good friend of mine in Williamsburg name is burger and they've been married seven years they haven't had children and because this is a special thing that you just did you brought in so much kindness to the world you taught people such a lesson I want to ask you to give a blessing to this couple that they should have a And he got him their name, her name, the the wife's name, and her mother's name, and the husband's name, and his mother's name. And he said, "Please daven for them to Hashem and give them a blessing. And that this great merit that you just had and you just brought into the world, it should be for them. Would you mind?" He says, "Why would I mind? My pleasure that the whole whatever merit I had should be for them to have a child." And he called him after Shabas with the exact names and asked the davin for them. And that's what he did. And life moves on. this year paras they made a kdish for their daughter this year paras. So this person who was the called him up and said you should just know 12 months later they have a baby girl they're making a a kdish and told me he went to the kdesh he didn't think anybody would know who he was because they weren't at the at the chevraas there was just somebody there says but the father of the baby came over to him and said I know who you are thank you very much we see from here we see from here another example the power of people to be able to live in a larger emotional space. There's a choice every day. Am I going to be living in a world of pettiness and smallness and cottonos and stinginess and vicious reciprocity and you did this and you said this and you said this, but you didn't say this and therefore I'll remember it for years. And it infects not just me, it affects my family, it infects my home. Or a person could choose to live from a place of godless, from a place of of greatness. Not from a place of naivity. It's not naive. It's from a place of of greatness, from a place of of love, from a place of divine consciousness. Or in the words of the let the love defeat the negativity. Have a beautiful and wonderful and loving week. Thank you. Sometimes people can let things go and that's fine. Rambam says if a person knows how to let things go, beautiful. But some people can't. So it just sits. So then it's a mitzvah to get it out. What am I going to mean? What am I going to say the truth? You'll say the truth in a respectful way. You see the Rambam doesn't even say you blame. You ask the person why explain it to me. But they're going to say because I didn't mean anything but it came across very So you could say that and they may apologize. And you know what? And you know what that may feel very good. Thank you. Great.