The Struggle Podcast EP21 Part 2- Avi Fishoff Guiding Parents Though Tough Teen Years

Everybody has to know that we don't make fun of anybody. We don't judge anybody. People have anger issues. Don't take it out on your kids. Go to therapy. The kid would rather you break his finger >> to break his heart. >> Yeah. >> You know, it's so painful to parents. I had a mother that called me up. She was crying. She said, "My father in the ' 50s and the in America, he said he was mishamas. >> My son is my what? I should reward their behavior." Yes. >> Why? That's called twisted parenting. >> This is after a few years. And she said, "Oh, I thought that you care more about the neighbors than about me." And they're like, "Tati, relax already. What'd she do so terrible?" Just And then the parents start fighting with each other. You don't know the soul. You don't know what the medicine for this cancer is. Spiritual cancer is healed with spiritual chemo, which is love. Wow. >> You know how much my kid loves me? He told me that every single week he goes three times to therapy, and all he talks about is me. What I want to discuss is that you're you wrote a few books. Um, one is called GPS. You have I happen to have them here. >> You happen to have them GPS for your soul. >> Yeah. >> And then you have one called CPR. This is for Shabas, right? >> So, let me explain. This is um I'm just really proud of this. And I like I told you outside, people think I'm a book salesman. I don't make money off of books. And whatever money I would make goes into the books and into the thing. I'm not a book salesman to make money. >> But I'm not a book writer, >> right? >> I'm not a reader, >> right? >> I never read a book. >> I was learning Shalom with my at the time Jakav Shane, my very close friend, arch ne nemesis on the rackable court. super super guyic. He's he's and he's a rebi in the morning and he works in the afternoon. >> He's a tired and we started learning Shalom >> cuz I I wanted to 15 minutes a day before morning seda and after a couple of months he's like a people need to know this. >> Yeah. >> I said let's write a book. >> Wow. >> So we stopped learning morning seder. We were learning then giten. We stopped that and we sat down approximately 4 hours a day, six days a week for five years. >> Wow. >> And we wrote a book that is soft enough, easy enough, fun enough for teens, but deep enough for adults. And I have many, many adults that have no idea about all of these concepts, >> right? >> And many of them that thank me because it helps carry you through very difficult times. So the format of the book I remember I went to Raisha Wolfson >> who was a Zakin. >> Yeah. >> And he saw the cover >> before it was before it was printed it was a mockup because he wrote me a scama >> right >> he said oh that's so good. >> He loved the cover. He loved that it's that it's like a cartoon GPS takes you. Now the Nivulum has talks about life and how a person should think that he's not alone and how we should >> self-improvement. I because you mention it a lot in your classes. You're like very connected to the >> Yeah, I'm very lucky. It was a real gift. I I wasn't going to say that. I never really said the story, I don't think. But um it was actually it was a gift from the >> so you know I wrote chabas and chabas. >> So I wrote the song the music produced it >> and MBD >> sang it. What happened was MBD decided to go to Majish and he brought a few friends >> Yeah. >> from from Americ >> and also from America. And so I was one of his friends that went >> and we were a small group. >> And we had an unbelievable Shabas. Unbelievable Shabas. It's a big that when we got back the tune and some of the words I'm not so great in Yiddish, but I had, you know, like I I had it and then had that I had and I went to my good friend Leap >> and told him all the stories of everything about the trip and he finalized and wrote the words. Ah, leap is the best. So, it was an amazing trip. When we left, everybody got in the cars and left and the last car, the taxi was full and I was in the oil just with Marta actually. >> Yeah. >> And uh and that's what Marta said. >> Yeah. >> He said it in the oil. That's why we put it in the song. >> Uhhuh. And then he left and I was the only one there and they were waiting for me. And I asked the I said send me some help. >> What? >> Send me some help. Three things happened after that which the first thing is I went into the car. I sat in the car. It was very emotional. We didn't sleep for a few days. It was it was a really high. I can't even explain the trip. It's another podcast. We should have the original get together, talk about that trip. Wow. You have to listen to it, not buy it. >> Anyway, so I got into the thing and a guy started playing a cassette. Remember a cassette? >> Of course. No, no, no. >> Put it in a frying waxman. I never heard him. >> It was one of his powerful Joshes. We were mamish crying tears because we were so open and it was such a we were tired. We were open and it was so I ended up buy becoming a big of his and I bought all of his I have a cassette suitcase >> and for the next two years >> you were listening >> in my car it was my car was a bish I didn't listen to the radio I didn't listen to anything I didn't have a phone in those days and I had like a a phone for emergencies had a beeper and my and I listened for two years exclusively to him as much as I could um and I'm very thankful to him and Hashem sent him and Then within a short period of time, I ended up learning the >> shalom >> and that was like a real game changer for me because it's it's beautiful. It's beautiful. So I started giving Shirum shum to the guys that helped in home sweet home and all of that. So I was very happy and I wrote this book and and each I mean there's a reason why we write it. Again I'm not a book writer. I try to look for things that in my experience are missing in our right >> things that that even 40-year-olds, 50-y old, 60-y olds, we don't know it clear, we don't know it clear. And for our teens who are not getting it, if they go through a hard time and they don't know this, they end up in in big trouble. So, we're not going to spend a lot of time on this, but the first section, it's five sections. >> Yeah, >> you can see from the colors. I don't know if you can see that on there. Each section is its own color. The first one is called Hashem loves you >> and it proves to you that Hashem loves you regardless of what sins you do regardless. It doesn't change at all Hashem's love for you and it's all coming down from Shalom from like medish and all of that is authentic and it's a whole section on it. It has funny jokes in the middle. It has cute pictures and it makes it very interesting. I saw even like an 11-year-old just reading the jokes and the pictures. But it's a deep message. Each one of them is a message. >> The second is your essence is solid gold. Also, I did an album. My series was called solid gold, >> hearts of gold and was three albums. So your essence is solid gold that the root of the soul is in holiness. It is the root of all good traits and holy merits and it proves to you that what you are made out of and again it doesn't get ruined no matter what you do solid gold. Now the third part it's very important it's how to deal with how to deal with challenges. I got a call, this is a long time ago, from a 65 year old man who suffered from cancer and he said that this carried him through his sickness. This piece this part building muscle about challenges that why challenges are sent to us and how to deal with challenges. It's not that long >> and it saved him. He said I read it and reread it and this was my said I couldn't learn any it's very hard to and this is so easy and it's so clear and then there's other good stuff the battle of your life and how to live life to the max and have the most beautiful life >> and then you have another one called CPR which is about shabas >> are you what is it about shabas that you feel a certain connection >> I was learning with my is a wonderful wonderful sadic and you know Shalom on Shabas is just absolutely beautiful. And I always felt like with my different kus I felt like why did anybody ever tell me this, >> right? You're living so many years. >> I went to a Jewish school. >> Yeah. >> Nobody told me what Shabas is really >> Wow. >> all about. >> Wow. >> And if you ask around go to people what Shabas all about? >> Right. >> Right. You think Hashem said, you know what? There's something missing. I have Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. There's something missing. You know what? When are they going to sleep? I'm worried Jews are going to are going to miss out on sleep. So, I need a day for sleep. Let them rest up. And what about the cholesterol? They're going to be healthy. They're going to be skinny. Their cholesterol is going to be low. How are the cardiologists going to make money, >> right? >> So, we're going to make a day >> to eat >> herring and gala and and and keep it going, whatever it is, unhealthy stuff. This way the Jewish cardiologists should be able to earn a living. >> Yeah. >> And Nebak that's to some degree the way some people look at from people >> at Shabas, a day of rest, >> right? >> To rest, rejoice, peace of mind, maybe pray, and they don't really know why Hashem gave us Shabas. >> What's in when that book is it's you're saying that it's not a rest, it's a reset. >> You read it. You're the guy who I looked through it. Yeah. So also it has beautiful pictures. It's so nice to read at the Shabas table. It's so nice. You open up randomly at the Shabas table and pick anywhere and it tells you maybe a hundred times that we say and that's what Shabas is really all about >> over and over again. Authentic Yiddish understands and tells you what authentic Yiddish is based on midrashim. >> Wow. >> And then there's beautiful pictures and it's done. Nice. I also put in this one at the end of each chapter uh 10 questions, multiple choice. It's usually quite funny, entertaining, make sure that we understand it. For $25, you can go through life knowing what Chabas is really all about and it's worth it. And you can give it. It's a beautiful baritza gift. It's a gift for kids, all all different all different ages. But I wrote it because I felt it's missing. >> Yeah. I felt it's missing in my that I don't leave Shabas different than when I started Shabas. >> Yeah. >> If you go back months of Shabas back to Friday before Shabas, you didn't accomplish anything. Yeah. >> Can I just tell you one? >> Yeah. >> Emotional muscle and see shalom brings down. It's in here. Of course, >> there was a guy and he's walking in the forest. He's lost. He's cold. It's raining. He's walking and walking and walking. He's starving. He slips. He falls. His His pants rip. His knee is bleeding. He's shaking. He's cold. He's lost. He's hungry. He's walking and walking. All of a sudden, he looks ahead. He sees a house, a nice little house, the middle of nowhere. Gets closer. He sees a fire inside. He sees the the the flickering of the flames. It's a warm house. there's someone there. And he gets closer and closer and he knocks on the door, the weary traveler. And the guy opens up the door. Come on in. And he gives him a a bath and a shower and a bathrobe and comfortable slippers and a towel. Feels like a mench and prepares for him a delicious meal. He lets him go to the bedroom is a a comfortable bed. He lets him sleep. And the next night it's time to leave back on his travels to to find his final destination. He says in he brings it down from the that's what we do. We're walking through a week of we trip. We fall. We bruise. We bleed. We lose track of of why we're here. We lose track of our connection to Hashem. Everybody goes through what they go through. And if we would go Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, we would be gone. We would be totally not able to think about why was I born, what is my tapid, what am I here for? Am I just like a cow? >> Right? >> I'm just a well-dressed cow and there's no purpose for anything. Hashem said, "I have to give them shabas." Shabas is the that that hotel, that motel that is warm, emotionally warm, spiritually warm that Hashem opens up his door and he says, "Come, my son, the weary traveler, after so many bumps and bruises of of and dirt and feeling yucky of the weak. Come and refresh yourself." >> Yeah. >> Reconnect to me. Spend a day with me. Hashem says, "Yes, of course." To honor Shabas and of course to honor Shabas, you have to eat nice, >> right? >> But the shalom says it doesn't say, >> right? >> On Shabas, you're supposed to pleasure yourself. No shabas. >> How do you make an for Shabas? Yes. You know, it's very hard. I wrote in the book also, it's easier to fast lash shim than to eat lash shim. >> Yeah. So you could be eating lash shim but then it tastes really good. You forget about Hashem and you just want you know another bowl of chant. You really doing it lash shim. We dress up. We shower physically to show that we want to reconnect to Hashem. >> We spend a day with Hashem. It's like a honeymoon. It's like a a anniversary. You go on a cruise to reconnect, >> right? >> To leave that a day later and you didn't reconnect, you forgot what you did. It's a total waste. And not only that, Hashem says, "I want you to reconnect to me. I know I know the connection is going to go down while you work and and you have all your problems of the week. I know I'm even willing to lift you up to me. You don't have to do chuva and all of that. Shabas is I'll even lift you to me. And not only that, in order for you to honor Shabas, you're going to get suits and physically, because you're a person, you got to look good and feel good and and eat good. I'll pay for everything. Hashem foots the bill. >> Yeah. >> But if you go through Shabas and you don't think about Hashem, he doesn't foot the bill. >> It's a nice he brings out that kazal. One kazal says that if a person doesn't have money for shabas >> you should sell >> you should sell whatever it is right >> and make shabas >> and make shabas there's another says that that oh one of them says >> okay says you borrow the money >> I'll pay >> and I'll pay it back the other one says better to sell something don't go snaring money from people sell what you Which one? >> Correct. >> Right. That's the right lion. One med says Hashem says you can go to the some a friend and borrow money and don't worry I'll pay it back. And the other one Hashem says don't borrow >> better to sell something don't go around borrowing. Which one is it? Says the shalom. It depends on you. If you are making shabas for Hashem to connect to Hashem, Hashem says, "Sure, of course, I'll pay for it." But if you're not connecting to Hashem with your Shabas, why should he pay for the bill? >> Right. >> Right. You go ahead and you tell someone, "I want to go away with you on vacation and I'll pay for the trip." And on vacation, the guy leaves you and you don't see him till the way back. >> Why am I paying? >> So that's what happens. We float away during the week and Shabas reconnect to our shish to understand that we're here for a purpose and it's 25 hours of vacation with Hashem sponsored and paid for >> by Hashem >> to go through that and miss it is a big shame. What I am uh what I am connecting this your connection with Shabas is that the parents who are suffering on Shabas they suffer a lot because these children these struggling teens a lot of times don't show up they sitting at sitting at home and they're thinking about you know the their problems >> very painful >> and the children the teenagers are also don't understand what chabas every weekend for them is like what are we doing this week running around it's like you know, I'm trying to connect your Shabas connection to what you're doing. It's unbelievable pain for for someone who wants to connect to Shabas and they sit by an empty table knowing who knows where my teenager is now, >> right? Or even if he's in the room and the Shabas, >> yeah, >> you know, it's so painful to parents. So painful. I had a mother that called me up with the father. I speak always to both parents, only both parents. And um she was crying. She said my father in the 50s and the in America he said he was multis >> my son is sh this is the values that they have that eats them up >> it's so painful so painful it's so painful >> but there's so much hope >> because most of the kids if the parents follow the come back >> they come back >> so it's a it's aish problem it's a temporary insanity >> right >> but we have to be there for them and the same >> to go through this >> and training. A lot of parents don't have the because they don't know what to do. When you have the training and the also comes from the >> like you said the and people and you have handm I'm I'm there really 24/7. >> Unbelievable. >> And and they they know what to do and then they realize that for the first time this is working. >> Yeah. >> It's it's a very special thing. >> Special thing. Now that book you have another one that you the volume one and two this is about parent is about right is >> since I started about 15 years ago 17 years ago even before that I would see a nice word on you know I would like be interesting and then I started collecting >> you wrote it down >> I I wrote it down I photocopied I had a folder and I started having hundreds and hundreds and then when I started teaching parents I really liked to put in a maramokim, a source, a story of of of a tadic that said something that like I'm saying it cuz why should I say it from me if I could say it from them? >> Yeah. >> I just want to digress a minute >> to a that parents need to know >> when you have a struggling child. Child is any age. Someone said child eight years old. >> They're your child. So it really boils down to this one one story and from the Kazan it's fascinating and I I saw this and it's in written in myish also I mean I bring it down in here of course and adal the rashiva panovish the god who was probably one of the last connections to the kazinesh who was such a prime special buffer when he was young that the kazanish told his nephew Kfki Zatal to learn within that's why he looked at as his rebi >> he was always mak that's why after I went to I have a video where I went to him I discussed the whole mahalak and everything afterwards I went to and it's a it's a beautiful it was a beautiful video it was a beautiful moment I brought him the transcript and he went through it and he said listen to whatever said so and he gave me a braha very special I brought all the names of the parents of several hundred at Ashhat and um he gave a brah was a very nice moment very it was a very good memory for me so brings down the story of the kaz also several times there was a father that had a child a son that went off to the times of the kazh one day the son says to his father tati I want you to buy me a car what does the father When the son who's m Shaba says, "Tati, I want you to buy a car." Everybody would say the same thing. I I'm happy to buy you the car on one condition. What's the condition? You're not going to drive it on Shabas. >> I'm not going to buy you a car >> to become on my Yeah. >> I'm going to pay for you to go to etc etc etc. I'm not supplying this for you. We don't supply dangerous things. We don't supply bad things. We certainly don't supply sin. If you want to sin, I can't stop you. Maybe. But even those who say, "I can't stop you. I'm not going to stop you. But I ain't going to supply you to." And the son said, "No deal." It's interesting because you see, he was honest. He could have said, "Okay, and then just move on. >> Buy it and drive it on Chalice. What's his father going to do? take it away, park it around the corner. He was honest. He said, "No, no deal." When this reached, understand he was the father. He advised the father. He said to give the car to his child without any conditions. >> Listen to these words because this is the Specifically in this path his hashah his influence will become higher gave a a derk the derk of supply the d is that if I supply you but he meant to say that he is going to build he's going to build a certain respect he's going to earn a certain a connection for this child and this child will eventually turn around >> 100%. And >> in other words, out of all the things that you can do for your child, when you supply the sin, that is what creates influence because the kid knows how you feel. >> Right? >> That's what said, "You have such a great video. You have to see it." And he said, "They know how you you don't have to teach them lessons and you don't have to do all that. But if I understand that you're different and I supply you with the car, what happens? There's no fighting. There's no screaming. The kid doesn't feel homeless. The kid doesn't feel I wish my parents weren't from because then I would have parents. What? I'm not a murderer, right? >> What do I want to do? I want to be a regular kilon or regular guy. >> Well, it's such a curse that I have this stupid religion." They wouldn't hate the religion. >> They wouldn't hate Hashem every time you're fighting with him in the name of Hashem. You have peace. If you have peace, you have connection. You have connection, you have influence. >> Yeah. >> Influence cannot be forced. >> Right. >> In my house, you're not going to do you lost all your influence. >> And breaks it down that means if you have two boys in the same situation and one of them says, "I'm not going to ask my father for a card because he's never going to give it to me." And he does not ask. And the other one asks and the parents give it to him. So these parents are going to think, "Oh, I wish I was like my other this other guy son. I wish he never asked me." No, this is a in his nephesh. You're tying into him to show him my doesn't stop me from providing for you. >> Wow. >> Now, if there's a time that it's against the or you can't do it. But here, everybody would think providing a car is against and it's not. >> It's not. It's just the opposite. >> Just the opposite. Once it's not user, so if it's asser, you're not allowed to do it, which is my mahal. We supply everything unless it's dangerous or assur, >> right? >> So the really showed us that these whole ideas of in my house and and trying to pressure and control >> because a lot of times it comes from a different place. It comes from image. It comes from ego. It comes from this is me. I didn't sign up for this. That's where it comes from. The the even the resisting. It's true and it's true and it's true and those are real problems. >> Yeah, >> those are real problems. Theim >> came to my group. We were very close. I miss him >> and um he came to the group and someone said, "What about the neighbors?" He said, "We don't care about the we only care about the >> Yeah. >> Because it's not easy." >> Yeah. >> They say if you live in Williamsburg, you're very lucky because if you don't remember what you did that day, just ask your neighbor. >> He'll tell you. Yeah. >> So, yeah, it's embarrassing. One of the things I think that the parents the parents who come to me I think that they're not embarrassed because very very early on >> we get rid of that and you know what once you once you rip the band-aid off you never have to look over your shoulder >> right >> so I say like this it's sad right but this is your kid right now we want to save them >> go outside you know when everyone's outside pick a time when everyone's around put your arm around your kid the girl in in in can't even call it clothing it's balashish Yeah. >> And the boy that looks with the piercing and the no yamaka and the half shave and whatever, put your arm around them. Walk around the block three times and that's it. Look what happens. Your life didn't fall apart, >> right? >> And today it's not 1985 anymore. today 90% will say that kid is lucky >> because I really I feel also that what you said before that to do that you really need that connection with like with like you said in GPS with because what that does is that gives you an individuality loves me this is my journeys has zero to do with you so when you walk him on the street and when you you give him that courage to go out and you have the bunch on your side that really uh is going to help a lot. >> Tremendous gura. >> Yeah. >> But that's how you build muscle if you can do it and and and we give a lot of support that you should do it. And then this whole thing of the neighbors and if somebody might see did that tell you an interesting story. >> There was a family that came to me >> with a very very very sick child. She was over two years in Utah in boot camps. They spent hundreds of thousands of dollars. not a wealthy family. Between borrowing and reorggaging their house, they tried everything. She was highly suicidal, full of cuts, full of tattoos. Very, very, very ter terrible situation. Also, of course, not from and all of that. And they had very decent. Their guidance was really decent. And the guidance was not to be don't reject her. Give her a home and give her love. Then they came to me and it came out in our conversation that they still tell her that, you know, we know you're driving on Chabas, but you know, they kept their car in the driveway and she would park down the block or whatever it is. So, they don't have a car going in and out of their driveway in the middle of a neighborhood. >> Yeah. That's not for Hashem because it could be more Shabas if she if it's raining. If she doesn't get a parking spot, you know, instead of pulling in, she's going around, she's circling. It's not for Hashem. But I understand human nature. I said, I think you should tell her that we're going to make the spot open for you. We're talking about parents who did the right thing. They did they did not do the wrong thing for many years. And they did a lot of the right thing, >> right? and they were so loyal and so good to her and they didn't reject her, but they didn't do the level of of acceptance and support that someone that sick needed. And they said to her, you know, by the way, we're going to move the car in the driveway. You can park in front on Shabas. You don't have to. This is after a few years. And she said, "Oh, I thought that you care more about the neighbors than about me." >> That's the first thing that came out of her mouth. I always thought, she goes, I always thought that you care more about the neighbors than about me. So, while they're showing acceptance and love and they're doing everything right, she still feels that my parents, which is so not true, >> right? >> It's not true at all. But she felt you still care more about the neighbors. The bottom line is I'm willing for you to circle in the snow and the rain and the heat. >> Just don't come here >> because I care about the neighbors. They shouldn't think I'm still embarrassed of you. I care about them. I care about me, but I don't care about you. >> Yeah. So the level of acceptance has to be as big as the level of pain that they're in and what they're doing. And that's what heals it. So our families have less drama, have less craziness. People say, "Oh, you let them do whatever they want." They they become more normal. >> What they're doing is reverse psychology, taking ego away and doing the right thing. Now, let me ask you a question. What about parents taking preventive measures? What I mean to say is you've seen everything. You've seen a lot. >> But what's your advice for parents starting out? They have young children. We live in a crazy world. Preventive is the best medicine. >> Yeah. >> What's what's your advice for a parent to say, you know what, I this is the way you should do it. This is good foundations how to build a relationship with these kids that we shouldn't even have space for them to even look the other way >> by raising royalty >> raising >> so as I was saying I started collecting terra and stories on >> of arrog and I ended up with probably the biggest collection an encyclopedic collection I have over 6,000 so I started Ed writing it and I decided that people need to know this stuff and when you open this this tells you everything about from every from the lowest stage every age and stage >> all the way into crisis prevention everything is in here. >> So the first thing is and we have many many chapters and many many beautiful stories in here. I already wrote volume two. I just finished writing volume three >> where hashem if anybody wants to sponsor be a part of it. In volume two, I made a new thing. You can sponsor an essay. >> So, it's not that expensive. It's $100 a month and people will sponsor essay. And you have a part of making of getting it out there. >> You still find time to do this, huh? >> It's it's my hobby. It's my love. >> Uh I spend uh about 10 hours a week on this and I do it myself. I write it myself. Um I have a helper in who's great at I send everything over there and I get back ideas, whatever, but I I write everything myself. And um yeah, we're we're in the middle of putting it into lash kaides. It's going to be a safer >> for around the world where they don't speak English and over here also people can read it as a safer. >> And someone just contacted me mamish this week the top people in Argentina and they're going to make it into Spanish as well. >> Wow. What about the people who say um the teen just went off because of bad friends? Parents didn't it happened? No, >> never happened. You're saying the solution is always love. >> This is the end result. >> And I'm saying the bash say the same thing. It's brought down. That's why it's so silly that we're living in a day and age with so much communication and people go through this and they know nothing. And a lot of from therapists don't say, "By the way, I learned in in college, by the way, I send more people to therapy than anybody. >> I'm very pro therapy. just not about this because they are teaching parents what they learned from the college professor how does he know what to do studies >> studies on who on go and you're going to compare the study why don't they say by the way my professor cuz I have a plaque over here I graduated he says you have to have rules consequences and boundaries I just want to tell you what the bash said >> why can't you do that >> I just want to tell you what the kaz said >> according to the therapy world if your kid is going to drive on chabas or if you put that into other context we don't apply bad things that we think are bad for you, >> right? >> According to the love because the only thing you have is influence. >> That's called twisted parenting. >> It's so straight. It's so glad. It's so easier. It's so much I tell the parents, forget about if this is going to work or not. Isn't this a better life? No yelling, no screaming, no, no shim, no like we just have peace and quiet and the kid is sick. He has a sickness, >> right? >> Okay. But not because of us, >> right? >> We're not we're we're taking care of and that's the best thing for the other kids in the family. >> Yeah. >> Do a whole podcast on that >> because parents are thinking that it's affecting the family and it's just the opposite. >> It's the opposite. I asked him Garrison on the video. I asked them straight out about the other kids. I ask everybody about the other kids. It's just the opposite. >> The other kids get so much worse if there's a struggle going on day and night. And Tati's always angry and mommy's always crying. This is not over in one hour that you can press delete. Okay, if you can delete a kid, wear slimy. I don't know. We never had a slimy year. It's also bad for them to see that you can get deleted, but okay. But you know what it's like to grow up in the in in any years or anybody in a traumatic environment. >> I've seen the brother thrown out. Hear the father >> and they don't get thrown out. The kid bangs on the door at night. This takes to throw out also takes a year or two, three, the kids fall apart. >> They fall out. The other children are sitting there and watching the father with dignity loving that particular child. It builds a better relationship with them >> 100%. And they don't say, "Ooh, so I don't have to keep shabas and I'll still get love." It's not an incentive. Ooh, great. I can go ahead and drop out of school, smoke weed, and ruin my life and uh not be the nas of what I know my parents really want, and I'll still going to be loved. Oh, I think I'm going to do that. See really the if if you if you go all the way down, >> yeah, >> it's a whether you believe that a child in our environment is or if you believe that they're and they're or as the say and they're and they're good and nothing bad happens to them and they're successful and they have friends and they have a normal family, they will not want to be like that sibling. And the only people that know this is just a few people that actually do this. People who are involved in this, they say the opposite, the trauma of the fighting and the screaming and the yelling and the fighting and the screaming and the yelling and the kid not feeling safe at home and and it's not pretty. And then a lot of the kids, they get upset at the parents because sometimes the parents get too ofgged too fast and they're like, "Tati, relax already. What'd she do so terrible?" just d and then the parents start fighting with each other. One of them, usually the mother >> says, "You got to be Yeah. Says, "Hey, unconditional love." Then the father usually says, "What is this, Michigan American things, I'm liberal things, I'm the master of this, that other and then they start fighting. Don't you realize you're making the kid worse?" No, it's your fault. You're undermining me because every time I say no, they go to you and then you say yes. And the parents are fighting and it's terrible. And there's no clear. So when you follow the of the same as the you're giving medicine also we're doing the same medicine on the other children. Why should they go off? In other words, we don't go off because of brains. We don't go back on because of brains. That's what the Balsh taught and the Khaz taught. The Khazes and the Bent said that the way to bring people back is with love. Now they're talking up here. I don't believe in Hashem. I'm eating onion kipper. I'm doing bad. And you think it's because everyone has. So then why should the medicine for the problem be here? >> It's the wrong part of the body, >> right? >> Says the bashv. >> It's brought down in the name of the bash and it says that there's a good Jew and he has b more than one. They went offro that's bad stuff, right? Atheism. Okay. So, we going to take him to to take him to this guy to that guy said, "Love them. Oh, we have to figure out. I love all my kids. What's >> okay? Because of that come back. >> They'll come. But I don't understand. >> Why should they have their cake and eat it too? >> If I throw him out of the house and it's freezing. Then maybe one day they're going to say, "I miss my tati. I didn't speak to my siblings. I'll come crawling back." >> But if I'm going to show him I love you and he's an atheist, >> he'll get worse. >> He'll get worse. He'll say, "I have everything." >> Yeah. Terret says it's medicine. >> It works the opposite. >> If you don't know the soul, you don't know what the medicine for this cancer is. Spiritual cancer is healed with spiritual chemo, which is love. >> Wow. >> That's the bash. >> That is crazy. >> The on the other side and many others by the way, but I just we have such clarity says, "What should you do? try to pull them in with chords of love. But then he says three words, don't reject them. Don't push them away. So now we have the medicine, the playing field of in order to have a mash to pull somebody in with love. That's not just regular taking care of their needs. That's a lot of love. >> Yeah. >> You know how to be mush someone with a you know how much aava you need? Now, expressions of love and everything. That's what makes someone come back. But what's going to change his brain? The medicine is here. So, when he comes down, you say, "You can't walk around like that. Just look at the kid. Just look at the patient." Either you could trust me. I've done it a thousand times, thousand times, 365 days a year. So, I've spent a lot of days doing this and I know the results. Or you can make it up on your own. Look at your kid's face and say, you know, be be objective and speak to your wife and wife speak to the husband and say, um, what do you think? Does that Yes. Yes. But I can't. But if I'm going to accept him like that, he's going to come in his underwear. Okay. That's where he is. Don't reject. It's not easy. That's why you need guidance and and but the medicine is there and it's from everybody pam. >> Yeah. >> It's written down in his safer exactly what to do. Why don't tell me they're and of of whoever follows. Why don't they do it? Parents can't. >> Yeah. >> Anybody see this? You're going to have to listen to this. Well, I told you the bash anyway. Oh, and the satba also listen by raising royalty for 25 bucks. You'll get about I think 800 stories in the terra like this per book. Help me to print the third one and the Hebrew one and the Spanish one >> and I have like eight more volumes coming. >> Wow. >> But listen to this. He said we have a son. He said to what do we do? So he said gave him guilt. Madam gave him lib. You have to give him money. You have to give him a love. So first of all, right away what I should reward their behavior. Yes. Why? Cuz then he's going to come around more often. Then you have again the mashia of money and love. So would be ready 40 50 years ago. >> I heard this before. >> Satba said the same thing. Satba said and I'll give you an example. when you give me guilt whatever you give to everybody give this kid double unbelievable back to so the mother breaks down she starts crying we gave him more money than we have we gave him guilt and we gave him liba and he brought so went deep in thought he's thinking for a long time most people would expect that he would say he brought a shika into your house done. He's thinking for a long time and he says she gave him money and he gave him love and he brought him a shixa. I guess he had no choice. He has to give him more money and more love. There's never been a dash that said plan B. You tried it now you amputate. >> Never happened. >> Story after story. Steuart, where does this come from that you tried? You know, they say that the medicine is love and if it doesn't work, double the dose. >> Yeah, >> that's what the Satar said and was pretty much a if I remember correctly. >> And he told parents and I met families that they went to him and I heard stories and it's in the book what he told them. So how can say out of my house when your own reb? because I'll tell you what your das >> you know what Ysef said I spoke in Mexico I don't go around speaking but it's the reason why I went there and I did a training so I said I'm going to Mexico so I took all my Ysef stories not all because I have so many more but I took and I took out the took out the I said let me >> go all in >> right cuz that's people story after story from he writes it in his in his book in the safer on and the safer on life. It's all brought down and and they they they were like when you when you put it like that you're right I spoke about parenting I spoke about listen to this story there's a girl in that had a baby the doctor was a from doctor he sees this frier girl he sees that she has no family even the frier girl hilonit who has a baby but parents come to the hospital so he starts speaking to her says where your parents So she says, "I grew up from and uh went off to Derek and I had a baby out of wedlock. There's no husband. She somehow figured out magic. She had a baby without a husband." And uh my parents cut me out. So sad. So he started speaking to her. Which which cries? Like where you from? How do you say that in English? >> Like which who's your leader? >> Yeah. She said, "My parents are very close to Bavad Ysef this they're very and they so he went to Ysef's house. this doctor. >> Yeah. >> He says, you know, even go they come. Even even they come. Everybody comes with parents. Here this girl, no parents. She has a little baby herself. She's all alone in the world. She doesn't have a husband. The guy who left her, whatever it was. And I said, "What happened?" And he said that these people, he gave her the name and that they're close to you. He said, "Yeah, they are." So he said, "What are we going to do about it?" So said she's being released tomorrow from the hospital. Bring her here. What time is she being released? They made up a time. Let's say 3:00. Bring her directly to me. The guy leaves. He calls up the parents. He says, "I want you and your wife to come to my house tomorrow at 3:00." She comes and she's sitting there with her baby. The parents walk in. But Vadia says to them, "I have something that belongs to you. I have something that belongs to you." And then he said what I said before. Hashem treats us the way we treat our children. >> If you want Hashem to accept you, have to accept your children. She's going home with you. >> You know what the biggest pain to me of the story is? >> Mhm. How come they didn't ask him before they threw her out? Right? >> Their own dash tyra holds not to throw out, right? >> And they threw her out and they made her suffer and they did it in the name of God. They did it in the name of Tyra that their own dyra doesn't hold of said he writes it down in a safer. You have no idea how many people come to me and they tell me believe me rebi that if my child if my child is not going to be shares I would rather that he dies. They're not going there for confession, >> right? >> They're going to and they expect him to give a round of applause. Wow, you're so you really believe in this so much that you'd rather your king should die. It's unbelievable. >> He says he tells him, "What are you talking about?" This is the Russian if I remember correctly. They feel like they're doing he says is that was >> Yeah. >> Oh, he says your son that brings you and you're proud of and you want to sacrifice in for Hashem. >> It's okay. >> It's okay. But this is not the >> but this one that brings you busha and this one that's not listening to you and you want to be m him fore he says you're just killing your child in the name of your own covet what he says we don't talk like that the child needs to know that you love him. If you if you if you in instill ingrain this feeling into your child sounds like that's the medicine. So all that can do is the medicine and we think lova concept. It's not the way is the most beautiful way. Whether it's a regular kid, whether it's no nothing is gained. It doesn't mean that we don't make mistakes and that some people have anger issues. Don't take it out on your kids. Go to therapy. See, I told you I'd love for them. >> Yeah. >> For the parents to work on yourself. But understand, I'm now going over to my kid because they did something wrong. And I'm not waiting three days to punish. And I'm just going to do whatever. I'm going to go now. I'm going to break his finger cuz you can break nephew. You want to something? >> The kid would rather you break his finger, >> right? >> Than break his heart, >> right? >> That hurts more. >> The kid won't be in therapy 30 years from now with a broken finger. I'll fix it. People are going to go to therapy like these three old grandmothers. They're 99 years old and they just turned 100 the night before. One of them says, "My my sunny for my birthday, he bought me a limousine. Takes me wherever I want to go. Private limousine." The other one says, "It's nothing." >> I don't know. At what point do you have to start talking with an axe? But they only talk about an ax. >> So now no, my son bought me a condominium by oceanfront in Miami for a million dollars. The other one says, "That's nothing. You know how much my kid loves me? He told me that every single week he goes three times to therapy and all he talks about is me. You know how many people are in therapy now? >> 30, 40, 50, 60 years old. And because their father didn't love them and like them and do your job, your job is emotional health of the person. Don't let anything ever cause you to damage. And you could do a lot of good stuff of punishing if you like that without being If you're calm and you calm down and you wait a few days and you give them choices and you're a normal gazess and anch if you work on yourself, you're a stable person and you love ty and you love dabbing and you love learning and you see kids struggle and you look at it like a smart wise person that people go through struggles. Hey buddy, I'm here for you. Don't be scared to be their friend. You know what it says? We called the children brothers. >> Yeah. He told his brother he says who are his who who are his brothers his children. Why? Because by time of uh fight he was preparing himself for a war. You call your children brothers. There's a big not like my dear friend. Why? byento says, "I hear you. I hear you." That now is a time that he called him, he called his his children. He called him brothers. But why right now? This is what was happening. Love was chasing him. What did Lavven say? Your children are my children. I want to kiss my children. You didn't let me kiss my grandchildren. >> The guy, the influence, the outside wants to come close to your kids. You get off your eyehorse. You become their brother. >> They need your friendship much more than they need your authority. >> Yeah. >> And I can tell you I know people who raise their kids that way >> and the kids are very very happy. Can you imagine being raised by Raf a people you think the kids you know and she rough people and the kids are rough like it says for many different when you get angry at your kid for doing something wrong they learn two things they learn one thing that that the first lesson they learned that this thing is wrong the second lesson is you're allowed to get angry >> you're teaching your kid that you're allowed to get angry and if someone is weaker than you you could push them away you could shove them. He could stop them. He could fight them. Those kids end up bullying their younger siblings. They end up fighting in in class. If you have an able child that you don't use your height advantage and your strength and your money and the fact that you could pull the rug out, not give them supper, you're in charge of everything. You have power, >> right? >> If you don't use your power to punish your kid, and again, you could punish in a normal way, >> right? >> Your kid won't use his power to punish someone else weaker, >> right? But if let's say he's talking during ding and you get angry you show him talking during ding is bad but anger is you just showed him that something which is is the the shalom says when you parent while you're angry it says whoever is angry is it's equal to idol worship. So you're in the middle of you're worshiping an idol and now you're going to do he says how could you imagine that you can do while you're in the middle of being >> you have to calm down >> when do we do most of the angry >> that's a mistake >> ai the wars of wisdom >> and not my words and they're available for $25 It's the >> Yeah, >> it's authentic to I always tell parents do real not not American not liberal now be their friend and buy everything's fine do real pick up pick up pick up the heart of parenting pick up any book you'll see there's no anger >> there's no there's you you just follow regular until you have a spiral a crisis then you have to do because the kids need more from you and you have to make sure that while there's a spiral that you don't make the kid worse. You have to be on your kid's side cuz if you're not who will and then shalom if it heads towards real crisis it's usually because of something that has nothing to do with the parents. There are many different traumas which we're not going to talk about. There are some traumas that really rip out the nephesh of the kid and when they get older they really struggle and suffer. There's abuse and trauma that causes so much damage and people don't want to typ people Yeah. Two types of people don't want to hear it. People who never went through it. >> Yeah. >> And people who did go through it and they had resilience >> but not everybody is resilient and people suffering. I met with somebody recently. >> He's has everything in this world. He's married. He has kids. He has money. So God he has everything in this world and he's in so much pain. so much pain because what happened to so let it go that PTSD does not mean that you don't want to let go of the trauma it means the trauma doesn't want to let go of you >> have to go for trauma therapy and that's why there's so many people looking for for some kind of quick fix some people are looking for psychedelics and people looking >> and someone asked me what do I think about it I said I think I have to daven for so many people that need this stuff and if you don't need it thank hashem that you're in a Imagine being living in a world where so many people are dying of physical Look, listen, you're you're healthy. Thank Hashem. If so many people are suffering emotionally, >> right? >> And you're not. Don't start looking down at people and deciding that then what are you doing now? Why do say, "Thank you, Hashem. I should never know." And keep your mouth closed. >> You would have this this person in your place on that Monday night >> and he was mentioning something mind-boggling. He was a kid and he was saying that he was abused and he was telling the the the rashivas or the nam whatever and they took him to a shoe opened up and >> I think that this stuff doesn't happen anymore. It was like he said 20 years ago >> they made him they couldn't believe they didn't want to believe him they made him swear on the side for you talk about a young child was traumatized. >> Yeah. >> Had to fight for his story. >> Yeah. I don't like to judge those people either because it was like a it's like the >> like the dark ages, right? It's it's like I feel like Hashem I feel like there was a dark cloud over us for about 30 years and now it's lifting and people are becoming the way we should always aware non-judgmental you know 25 30 years ago it it was a different world people I I'm sure that rebi today >> it would do things different I am so spoiled from the young >> Rabb yeah they want to learn >> you know when I do training for parents I do a two-day training for the parents that they need the prescription which is the letter from their dyra to come to me. I do 12 hours on Monday, 12 hours on Tuesday. >> Wow. >> Straightus. >> Wow. >> We break from that's it. You eat during the day, sneak out if you have to do take whatever 12 hours Monday, Tuesday because they come in crisis and they have to leave with a totally different vision to understand how to go home and help save their kids' lives, you know, and it's it is um and they don't talk. It's it's all it's very interesting. But because I'm doing it anyway, I open it up to therapists. I've had several hundred therapists come in for the two days to up their skills and awareness and understanding. It's beautiful. And regular parents can't come. Parents are only even if they're in minor crisis. There's other people I refer to, but the parents in severe crisis. Well, severe crime means kids have to dare. That's the opening. And then unfortunately more and more and more there's so much emotional pain and drugs and and cutting and and and and all kinds of violence and and all kinds of stuff but can come this guy this young 30-year-old young guy sa guy comes in he's there in the morning and I said what are you doing here what are you he's the manal of pupa >> right >> grade one two and three >> yeah he wants to Huh? >> Six, seven, and 8 year olds. They're about a thousand kids. It's like a whole school. >> And I said, "I'm sorry. I think you're in the wrong place. I just want I want to save you two." He says, "Maiva sent me >> to paying him take off two days to go ahead and learn." I said, "Yeah, but I'm talking about, you know, the worst stuff, >> you know, dysfunction and trauma and abuse and off the D and you're dealing with kids." And he said, "Hant in our day, we need to know everything." >> Wow. >> Wow. That's impressive. >> The younger generation also, the counselors in camp already know kids who are struggling with anxiety. People already are at the age that their friends or they already it's they understand it more than 20 years ago. They didn't they didn't know what this was. So, ah, you're taking advantage. Don't let him take advantage. Why should he ever get better if you're going to be nice to him? All this kind of stuff that it just comes from amiratis. It comes from I don't blame anybody. I I used to be a normal person also. >> I know. >> But I got connected. I saw the real thing. Nobody wants to lie in a bed in a in a cast. If you're nice to them, well, why should he ever get up? They're dying to be normal. >> We have to give them the chance. And the number one people are the parents, the siblings, and then the whole family, which is another podcast. And then the community >> and then the community and our kids the anymore. Everybody has to know that we don't make fun of anybody. We don't judge anybody. It's not something that we focused on. And maybe this is what Hashem wants for us. We're wonderful. We have we have we did so much. We accomplished so much. But maybe Hashem wants us to really rectify the of which is why we are in gallas and every year that the B mikdash is not built. That means that I destroyed the BD this year. >> Me and you and him. >> Yeah, >> you're a nice guy. Not >> I'm all in the same boat. >> Part of it because I know and I have to say it and I have to talk. Why don't we just all get out of this whole goalless thing? No more death, no more destruction, no more pain, nothing. Like, isn't that a good idea? So, the only way is to have so much kingdom. And people are are are scared and and it's like this famous song that's out now that the said, "I'd rather be over a little bit on extra love than on extra hate." >> Yeah. >> Someone went to the vision and he said, "You're talking about love. You have to love everybody. What about somebody where it says you're allowed to hate him? So he said make yourself holy with things that are and don't even hate him. Everybody's looking for to be to be okay. Don't don't hate that guy either. And and we'll bring them back together. Community needs to learn because we want to get out of here, >> right? >> And there is no other way. My own learning tyra ain't going to get us out of here. and my own and my own stuck it has to be a rectification of the sin that put us in the gull and that's what it says that the reason the first mikdash was destroyed was only 70 years and the second one not says because the first one it says what the sin was the second one it doesn't right we know means so what does it mean so say because the first one they they they internalized what the problem was and they fixed it. They stopped with the face. The second one we don't know what it is. Means in our consciousness we forget that we are suffering in gulos and the only way out is to fix this problem. So we don't know what the problem is and we think it's it's it's a minikrt and it's jeans and it's yam and yam and yam and yam and meanwhile it's us. It's our judgment and we have to fix it. And when we have real, which is not being naive, the sadikim had it for real. They weren't naive. They know this person's struggles and this person strugg They weren't busy with yenim's with somebody else's struggles. >> You know what I mean? Everybody be busy with yourself. >> It's the opposite of And that's our only way >> to get out of here. >> Yeah. Otherwise, we're going to have to do a podcast next year. >> Yeah. >> Keep on podcasting. This >> is never going to stop. >> Never going to stop all the pain. It's up to us. And each one of us can do that. And we can think about people that's easy to judge and come up with a why it's muted to judge. >> Don't judge them. Avi from the bottom of my heart and on behalf of all the parents and on behalf of all the teens and on behalf of everybody's life that you touched, I can only say one thing. Thank you. And I want to really thank you for coming in. You've taught the community. You've taught the world love comes before judgment. That's your mission in life. That's you. I want to bench you that should give you co should give you resilience, should give you clarity and I want to thank you again for the legacy you're building and for the lives you saved. >> I'm very touched by your words and um really it's my think of any better way to spend spend a life than to help other people. It didn't I didn't do anything to deserve it and I don't know why I was chosen but it's a to help people and um >> thank you >> what you're doing here is is beautiful you know I think it's it's it shows that power of >> that now have the ability to you're doing amazing and there's so many out there that we wouldn't have had if not for this the the ability to really help. You know, so many people want to want to help. So beautiful. >> Yeah, >> Kie is beautiful. >> Yeah, >> Kie is so beautiful. We have to get back to to being the the beautiful people that we really are deep inside. >> Yeah. Yeah. Thank you so much for your time. Thank you for coming. It was a It was a pleasure for listening. Thank you.