The uncomfortable secret to getting other people to change

okay friends good morning thank you for joining us for today's class for today's tour discussion can you change your spouse you're going through a rough patch in your marriage or let's not get personal you know somebody going through a rough patch in their marriage and you're wondering how can you get your spouse to change how can you get your wife to change how can you get your husband to change because things are just not working can you get your spouse to change the answer might surprise you but the answer is yes you can actually get somebody else to change but in order to get them to change you got to change and it actually starts with changing how you see them there's a great line I heard from in the name of Rabbi tski of blessed memory he said that if you win a argument with your spouse remember that you're married to a loser um we'd love to change people we love to be right and when we shift our mindset and change how we see people we'll actually see positive changes in our life a client came to this therapist and said I'm trying to get my wife or husband or whoever it was to change and a lot of therapists were saying sorry you can't get somebody else to change let's start with you the therapist went along with it the therapist said I if if your spouse were to change what type of changes would you want to see and he started describing the changes he wanted to see in detail and the therapist then said If those changes happened what changes would take place within you the person started describing the changes that then would take place within this person the therapist then proceeded to describe the value in this person initiating the change because when we make changes within oursel and especially in how we see other people will'll actually see change when we impose values on people values of change on people we're met with resistance when we notice value within people we're going to see positive change but in order to do that we have to change we have to start looking for positivity and we have to start being in a more positive mindset I would like to start off with a quote from the gamorra and you should see it on your screen over here from tyus hey B 5B I'll read it in Hebrew and then I'll translate it says Yu our patriarch didn't die Omar this wasn't the name this is RAB who cited this so the sages replied back to him what do you mean didn't die we we uh we eulogized him already we emomed him already which how you can embomb him is a is a separate discussion for a separate time we've buried him we know where he's buried he's buried Inon what do you mean he didn't die am marlay the response was although physically we saw him pass away but I'm not going by what I see I'm going by what the tells us the says my servant of yob now do not fear because nothing will replace the Jewish people the prophets say I will save you from a distance and from your and your children meit shim from a land of captivity the Torah tells us that the children of Israel will continue to be saved and will continue to thrive then the gamar continues soob is compared to his children because just as his children are alive he is alive although physically we saw that yakob had died but if his children live on carry on those values Yakov is essentially still alive which begs the question you look around and you see that there are many people who are not following the values of yov who are not keeping in line with Jewish tradition who aren't following our sacred uh way of living the way they should be as Jews so has Yakov now died because Jews aren't following Judaism and the answer is no because if we look at another Jew and we see he's not alive or she's not alive as a Jew should be and that's impacting The Life and Legacy of Yakov the problem doesn't actually start with them or the say the solution doesn't start with them the solution starts with us if we see another Jew as spiritually dead and therefore think Yakov has died the problem is not them the problem or the solution is not them the solution is us we have to change the lenses by which we see other people and when we judge people by what they should or shouldn't be doing that's how we start assessing people by their behavior by what we see we may be in for disappointment but it's also a dishonest way of looking at people because we don't really understand or know their circumstances or the value of behavior what we have to do is look at who people are this person is inherently a Jew this person is inherently connected to the legacy of Yakov and I have to not look for problems and say hey this isn't what they're doing I have to look for evidence of that the Torah says that the children of Yakov are alive and therefore Yakov is alive so for me to say well my eyes tell me that they're not alive that they're not thriving as Jews so maybe that does impact yov well then maybe the problem is not the Torah being wrong maybe the problem is my vision being off maybe I'm looking at people in a negative light maybe I have to change the way I see people and not take everything I see for granted and assume that because I interpret it this way this must be the case I actually have to open my eyes and look at people from a better light and this is true in relationships as well look at your Rel relationship as if it's thriving your relationship is alive your relationship is there well I don't see it that way okay then I have to change the way I see things I have to open my eyes to see positivity to see goodness and I have to look for for evidence of that goodness and when I look for evidence of that goodness I am presupposing that that goodness is there that I actually believe in it I want to share with you an interesting mid from R the mid R says I'm going to read and translate it and again you should see this on your screen over here R said at the beginning of the creation of The World God looked at the behavior of the righteous he looked at the behavior of the wicked he looked at both of them he assessed both of them that's why it says in the verse in Psalms God knows the way of the righteous and The Way of the Wicked that will ultimately be lost at the beginning of creation the world was empty and desolate that refers to the behavior of the wicked the desolateness that existed in the world and then what did God do in this world of desolateness this world of emptiness God said let there be light he filled it with light and the mid says that refers to the actions to the behavior of the righteous so this world filled with emptiness that's the world filled with the behavior of the wicked God filled it with light he filled it with the actions of the righteous but I'm not sure says the M which one God prefers does he prefer the behavior of the righteous or prefers the behavior of the wicked but given the but since the says God saw the light and he saw that it was good I understand that he prefers the behavior of the righteous he doesn't prefer the behavior of the wicked so God creates this world of righteousness and of wickedness of desolateness and of light I don't know which God prefers until God said that he saw the light and he saw that that was good okay we now know that God prefers righteousness that's what the midra says and many of the commentaries grapple with what this midress is trying to convey God doesn't know what's better is righteousness better or is wickedness better God has no idea so different commentaries spin uh um explain this from and unac this from different angles some commentaries explain that God might prefer the wickedness because they have the opportunity to do tan connect even better but ultimately God prefers those who are initially innocent some say that that it's referring to the definition of good and bad we don't know which one is ultimately good and bad is righteousness good or is wickedness good what what makes something right and wrong other than God's decision okay these are the different angles that commentaries take but I want to share with you what the say says here's what he says I'm going to read the text inside said that there's the the behavior of the righteous there's the behavior of the wicked and and it's unclear which God prefers and then we ultimately conclude God prefers the behavior of the righteous so has a different spin on what the behavior of the righteous or behavior of the wicked is referring to it's actually referring to communication Styles when we see the behavior of the righteous it's referring to those where their behavior or their character is good where they bring people close and even though it's reproving but they do it in a way where it's where they do it in a way where it's Pleasant where it's emotionally meaningful where they're talking to the hearts of people and not pushing them away not just trying to shut them down but actually bring them in and from that perspective from that approach sh Russ dark ey the wicked people end up leaving their paths it's effective but then you have my say him then you have the behavior of the wicked and what's the behavior of the wicked we don't mean be Wicked Behavior we don't the mid does not mean that God doesn't desire the wicked themselves God doesn't appreciate the behavior of the wicked wicked Behavior which means what's Wicked Behavior anger hatred and when you're trying to be M of somebody you're trying to come close with somebody or bring them close to you in a relationship or bring them close into Judaism doing it with anger or hatred as a wicked person might do God doesn't appreciate that there's bad uh the effect of that is bad the impact on that is negative God sees them and he doesn't like that trying to shut the wicked down trying to throw them to the ground trying to lower them to the dust of the earth and belittle them and hope that through that they're going to regret their behavior these are two different approaches in trying to being bring people closer to you in relationships trying to highlight who they are at their core as a as a righteous person might would might do or trying to highlight the negativity that they should leave as a wicked person a wicked Behavior might do and it's unclear which one God prefers they're both two methods of communication these two in communication or Russ righteous or Wicked it's not very clear which one does God want until God tells us nevertheless God prefers the behavior of the righteous you should bring close the entire world to serving God in a way that's Pleasant and return their hearts talk to their heart in making them close but not through anger that's why God says in the Torah God saw that light was good and M says that's referring to that's referring to the behavior of the righteous where they conduct themselves in a way that's positive it's good be like a righteous person be pleasant be kind that's a good thing that's effective you know why that's good because God is good that's what God does God is kind God is patient when we replicate God we reflect God in his communication style we actually have positive effects the Torah says that God's ways are ways that are pleasant when we're Pleasant in how we treat people when we're Pleasant in how we approach people we actually see positive change and that's something God appreciates and the reason why it's effective is because in order to be pleasant in app in trying to bring somebody close to you or close to your community or whatever it may be and this is certainly true in marriage and in relationships in order to be more pleasant in a relationship you can't impose values on people you have to see their value you and if you didn't see their value you wouldn't want a relationship with them so the fact that you want a relationship with them the fact that you want to bring them into your community the fact that you want to reconnect with your spouse means you see value in them you see value in that relationship so focus on the value that you see not the problems that are getting in the way of that value okay that's my story and I'm sticking to it