☎️ Thu Jan 2 | 9 PM ET | Rabbi Shais Taub LIVE call-in show

you're live okay we're live all right um Welcome to our Thursday night call-in show you know the format Thursday night 900 p.m Eastern or a few minutes after that we fire up the soul word Studios high-tech gadgets and gear over here and we bring to you freshly minted high quality entertainment or as I like to call it edutainment little Port M do is that what it's called is that the word guys help me out what's what do you call it when uh you take words and you put yeah hold on a second hold on hold on portmanto portmanto I'm sorry port manto never judge a person who mispronounces a word it means they learned it through Reading and apparently learning things through Reading makes you smarty okay portmanto edutainment is a portmanto I believe prove to me I'm wrong I dare you okay so we are coming spoonerism now a spoonerism is is our dear Queen becomes our queer Dean there was actually a guy named Spooner who referred to Queen Victoria as our queer Dean instead of our dear Queen that's a spoonerism that I knew I knew what a spoonerism is and by the way anyone who's watching the replay and they're like why is he talking about spoonerisms um because in the live chat someone wrote spoonerism but it was a um malapropism you're saying spoonerism was a malapropism malapropism the mistaken use of a word in place of a singular sounding similar sounding one often with unintentionally amusing effect as for example dance a a flamingo instead of dance a flamco or famous one there was a particular Rabbi who mentioned at a dinner speech how his wife made spaghetti with marijuana sauce that's a real one that really happened okay all right um what's that dinging oh that's my thing okay yel tab is with us live just poke your head in here for a second just poke poke just poke just poke just poke that's it okay they can't hear you unless you get on the mic here hi everyone this is my son you and at this juncture I would like to thank yell and Mali tyel and mhi um the two married couples who help out they were the ones who pushed this to happen and they make it happen every week and they work tirelessly behind the scenes especially tyel who gets a lot of abuse and grief because she is basically the one who runs the soul word's offices so whenever I'm freaking out and I need something I'm texting her and yeah she gets a lot of stress from her dear old dad okay tyel we love you you're the best hope that doesn't exacerbate the trauma by making light of it in a public form okay um as they say what else before we get to our first caller of the evening the callers are always amazing I am blown away by the quality of the calls that we've been having last week I in I incorrectly said it was episode 6 I think it was only episode 5 but tonight I'm uh making an honest man of myself tonight is episode 6 okay um before we jump into our calls I want to just talk about a couple of things um someone saying hi from Nova Scotia hi from uh Halifax Nova Scotia that'll be probably the only city I know of Nova Scotia thank you so wordss helpers your efforts are appreciated and enjoyed I'm just looking at the the chat okay so um a couple of things what is it you saw you're looking nervous not nervous you're not nervous what it's all perfect it's all perfect okay so watch this watch this well hold on hold on watch this you only hear me when I come back cuz there's a button you have to push to make it that you can hear me and see another uh media file how did that work did it work you could hear me okay so that's amazing so um so here's what we're going to do watch this watch this watch this watch this does anyone know what eolia is watch this it's a rather benign one okay so is smirking okay um oh you couldn't hear you could not hear oh tyo saying you could not hear while the thing was on the screen okay so at any rate that thing that was on the screen I'm going to tell you what it was right now that is 9 by9 tech services we want to thank mendle Simon and his team of 9 by9 tech services for powering this call-in show and making it possible for us to connect with our amazing audience 9x9 Tech offers a OneStop service for all your communication needs along with personalized Tech Solutions catered specifically towards your business visit 9 by9 that's 9x letter X 9x9 Tech that's Tech with a ch.com today that's 9x9 tech.com thank you mendal and team for your incredible support by the way does anyone else get a feeling that I could have had a career as an AM radio announcer I could have done that don't you feel that I could have done that um okay what else did I want to say before we get to our callers the parenting course is kicking off on Tuesday and Wednesday the Men's Track is on Tuesdays the women's track is on Wednesdays yes there are separate men's and women's tracks why it works better that way trust me if it if I could get away with only having to give the class once a week I would do that but it just works better for the interaction and the sharing it work it's a live thing it's not not recorded not some lazy guy who pre-record stuff and uploads it and then charges you hundreds of dollars to watch something that technically you could have just watched on YouTube no it's an act it's an interactive thing okay um so Tuesday nights is the men's group Wednesday nights uh is the women's group and it's starting next week and if you don't want to miss out and you don't want to miss out and I'm being 100% serious I know I sound like I'm joking around right now pause at this point over 2,000 mothers and father have gone on this six week parenting Journey with me and many of them have called it positively life-changing they've seen the results in improved bonds with their children more peace in the home more General Good Feeling Good Will between their children and them and just a general Improvement in the overall feeling of Good Vibes so I really really really strongly encourage you do not miss out and you're going to say I'll do it next time there may be no next time and I'm not joking because the way the course works is I do offer it live it's actually live you come on a a live video conference with me I can't continue doing this like constantly I only do it maybe once or twice a year and then every time I finish doing it I say I'm never doing this again so I don't know if I'm have I'm going to do it again but I'm doing it this week and if you please don't do what everybody does and email me the day after it start starts and be like can I start like why do people always do that like why why does everybody come to 7-Eleven 5 minutes after closing and tell the cashier you're going to make so much money off of me you don't want to lose a big customer like me like the guy like it makes a difference to him okay well actually in my case it would make a difference to me cuz actually there would be more income for soul wordss I want to talk about that for in a second by the way Soul wordss needs money but yeah but I can't let people in late because would compromise the value of the product it's a journey and you have to go through it in real time and if I let people in late they won't have the Maximum Impact and yeah I could charge you and i' collect money but I'm more concerned with having the Maximum Impact than making a few more dollars and the only way for you to have the full experience is to start on time with the group so Tuesday night and Wednesday night we're starting a new cohort soulwords dorg parenting I'll repeat that again soul w.org parenting and for the Baby Boomers that's www.s soulwords orgar did anyone laugh at that joke did anyone laugh at that joke that was a good joke I wish I had a studio audience okay um by the way I'm looking at the chat um go table yes indeed you bet AM radio any radio yes a radio announcer yeah you guys know who Ken nordine is go look him up Ken nordine word Jazz okay what's Rab's favorite book which explains the Tanya practical Tanya my favorite book which explains the Tanya is called Tanya and I'm very very passionate about that I believe that the Tanya was written to be understood theas the compiler's preface the Al wrote says very clearly this is the book and if you can't figure out the book on your own get a local teacher that's what it says very clearly in the compiler's forward of Tanya so use the regular Tanya and get a local teacher okay and what local means today with the internet I'm not sure all right um FYI YouTube is running other ads on the stream which shows you another video okay well I don't know what to do about that but then you do it again I'm just reading chats here should you take the course if you don't have kids yet no and I'll tell you why because the way the course works is at the video conference I say a bunch of abstract stuff that won't make sense until you actually implement it and then during the seven days from one class till the next class you go and you implement it and then you come back and we say hey how did that go how was the implementation so the only way for it to really stick is if you can apply it right after each class in in between one class and the next week's class um someone wrote I chuckled I'm assuming you chuckled at the baby boomer yes okay highly recommend the parenting course thank you very much uh I don't know why not you can always learn something for yourself for family or yeah yeah but like I'm saying yeah it's not so good to do it if you don't have children yet just because the style of the presentation is very abstract it's the concepts and you can't really get the Practical side of it unless you're doing it yourself um during the interim days between classes all right I want to mention Soul wordss needs money I really really need a bunch of money um I'm trying to finish construction on the house everyone here is a big Soul wordss fan so you know about the house but I'll humor you as if you don't know about the house we bought a property B half a block from the from the is resting place in Kimber Heights Queens okay so that we got that property thank God all right we have that uh I mean we have a mortgage on it we don't own it free and clear but we put it down payment and we we have the house okay so that we did about 18 months ago then this summer we started construction um Mishi who's my son-in-law who's also part of this Co he's my right hand man right-hand man on the construction so we started construction this summer we're probably going to be able to finish in the next four to six weeks I'm hoping with hashem's help but I'm like $150,000 short to pay the contractor and I hope the contractor is not listening because he's going to get nervous and no I do I do not intend to um stiff the contractor he will get paid one way or another but I kind of need a miracle over here so um room naming dedications when you want to name the library you want to name the kitchen you want to name the the main event space um yeah let me know contact me Rabbi soulwords dorg Rabbi soulwords do.org and I'll give you my wire information so uh yeah somebody wants to be a benefactor we we need some serious money in order to get the soul wordss house up and running and just so you understand what the so's house is the first floor is basically going to be just a wide open event space where we're going to be able to get together and we'll have faans and we'll have classes and meetings and it'll be like what we experience online but we'll do it in real life and maybe even have a little bit of food and youell's the kitchen manager want say hi again you saw here hi again so I'll tell everyone about the kitchen the kitchen is go on camera let me try to go on camera oh I'm going to pull it out okay just leaning leaning hi everyone the kitchen is going to be state-of-the-art amazing um lots of good product we're going to make we're going to have great catering events and everything from A to Z okay excellent very good jet GPT very good so um that's happening um fine before we get started I just I've had this on my desk the whole time and I just um this is a little bit leftover Sprite Zero traces remnants of Sprite Zero I'm going to open up my I got this special this afternoon I was at the Seasons Express and I picked up this Dr Browns black cherry soda now for those of you who don't know Dr Brown's black cherry soda is is probably the second most quintessential Jewish cultural icon as far as beverage uh selections go now the number one who knows the number one most iconic quintessential Jewish cultural beverage would be who knows I'm going to check in the YouTube comments and see if anybody gets it and if Kim con is watching um please Kim save some for the rest of us you don't have to answer all of the questions okay um oh somebody gave $20 was that mishy David mishy David gave $20 okay for the house please name a room after me $20 with a bunch of smiley emojis okay um okay can you possibly share some parenting books in order to prepare my wife and I are planning having kids in a year or maybe anyone in the chat I never read a parenting book and yet I teach a parenting course but it's great that you bring that up my parenting course is not based on parenting books it's based on our holy Torah really is it's a spiritual course which is what sets it apart from other parenting courses it's not tips and tricks it is deep spiritual principles that are Timeless okay that's how it works um oh all right so crestle Houseman you have an incredible name I love that name and you are correct um Dr Brown Sr is the most iconic quintessential Jewish cultural beverage that is 100% correct you were not thrown off by the fact that the number two was Dr Brown's black cherry and you thought maybe how could they both be Dr Browns cuz they are they both both are Dr Browns the number one most cultural iconic quintessential Jewish American Beverage is Dr Brown's celay and for those who don't know that is and don't laugh and don't judge a celery flavored soda pop celery flavored soda pop I'm going to pop this and um some people say it's pouring off for the dead homies others call it but you do like a little drop a little drop as explained in okay crestle says my dad used to drink that who wrote Tab cola Tab cola no Tab cola is the drink of 1970s debutants that's a sorority drink from the 70s Tab cola okay hi rabit as an HSP I've been struggling years on end I'm in a lot of emotional pain constantly day and night best advice wow that was Heavy um yes how about this email us at the info@ soulwords dorg and I can't get you on tonight because we have a full line of callers but maybe next week I'll get you on the show and I'll talk to you okay fine you thr um are you ready let's who are okay three in a queue say hi Melissa welcome hello hi there hi thanks for having me on tonight it's our pleasure so what's going on what do you want to talk about well um you know I've I've been following you on Instagram for a while I really enjoy all of the reals and and you make so when I saw you put a call out for uh inquiries into speaking on the show tonight I was like you know I'm GNA go for it so great I sent a message out and you know the gist of of me I'm a 40-year-old mother of two beautiful children married for 14 years with a loving husband I've uh I've struggled with depression in my adult life and I've gotten myself to a point where I'm pretty confident in my ability to to balance myself but you know from time to time find myself falling down um something that I'm trying to work on right now is cultivating more of a sense of like what do I want as a person you know like what is my life what is what is my purpose and what do I enjoy and being someone who's been somewhat of a people pleaser for a a great part greater part of my life I'm kind of struggling to answer that just the simple question of like what do you want what do you like so I was hoping you might have have a little advice for for you know fellow HSP who who is just kind of trying to navigate navigate the path of self-discovery um and kind of rediscovering my own spirituality and and you know how how God would play into that too yeah so it's it's great that you're trying to figure yourself out and understand what you're here for and what is special about this embodiment that you've been placed in in other words what are the opportunities and the responsibilities and the duties that are unique to you that's uh that's what it's all about um one of the things though that I have to point out because you're blessed to be a mother of you said you have two children yes yes okay um so here's the thing you know the way that you phrased it is your life's been about others well you didn't say those exact words but you sort of said you're a people people pleaser and you don't really know what you're all about you're really kind of your experience is always been how do you take care of what other people want so what I want to say before we get into what you're all about is that when you're a mother or a father you actually are meant to completely set yourself aside and put your child's needs not only first but you're you're supposed to make your child's needs the the your your only concern so in that relationship the mother child relationship it actually is proper that it be completely selfie facing um it's it's an act of complete surrender where it's like it's not about me and um obviously our kids grow up and [Music] in and in time they become less dependent on us if all goes well but there are many years especially I don't want to say say something that's going to sound sexist or patriarchal but I think it's a fact I think everybody knows that mothers are more instrumental in the education of children than fathers I'm not denigrating or minimizing the role of fathers fathers are incredibly important but I'm saying as far as one-on-one exposure putting in the actual time being present with the child I I I hope it's okay in today's day and age to to say that it's just a fact that when a woman becomes a mother there is to a great to a great extent a large chunk of time perhaps even decades where in many ways her life's not about herself anymore so you know when you're a mother it really is selflessness it really is about taking care of these kids now having said that having said that there is something to be said for Melissa knowing who she is as well not just as a mother mother is an incredibly important maybe even the most important role that you were given but you have other roles as well you're a wife and then there are other roles that you have as well and it's important for you to understand what those roles are but I just want to make sure that in the in the process of this self-discovery that we don't end up in any way uh losing the plot as far as the selflessness that's required in motherhood oh AB absolutely not yeah I definitely feel like that is the the primary charge that has has taken you know hold of my life since they came into it 14 you know and nine years ago yeah okay um and I I I love being a mother you know it's just something I really enjoy and and um so I I completely agree with you in that regard okay fantastic and they both things can be true it can be in in as a mother in that part of your life it's just what you can do for them and then there are other parts of your life that are what you can do for yourself but even when we do things for ourselves we have to Define that because it's not the way that the world normally thinks of doing things for myself the the the way the broader world out there talks about like me time I got to take care of me I got to put myself first they often mean it in a completely what I would call closed loop closed system that ends up being a zero sum game what I mean by that is they take care of themselves so they can have more energy to take care of themselves which is just just as absurd as as the the the common lament I go to work so I can earn money so that I can live so I can go to work so I can earn money so I can live right when you become engaged in self-care for its own sake it also becomes a snake eating its tail so there has to always be something bigger than me that I'm Tethered to so that when I'm even when I'm engaged in self-care and doing the things that nurture my soul and energize me there's always at least in the background this notion of what will that what will I then do with this energy where will I direct it toward what project which is ultimately greater than myself so I think that's the way to phrase it it's like what is there in your life that you can be passionate about that feeds you that nurtures you that makes you feel like your special gifts are being tapped into but it's not just about self-indulgence God forbid it's to the contrary it's about you becoming more productive more giving um more involved in other people's lives and ultimately in the betterment of humanity so does any of that resonate with you as far as like you yeah absolutely so do you have any specific thoughts it's feeling it's yeah it's definitely it's a feeling of like not having a direction outside of you know the obvious wife and and mother roles is like I I am a you know I am a worker I'm in the workforce and part of a family business and not feeling completely engaged in that and trying to think you know well how do I how do I find purpose in that or is there another purpose that I need to find sometimes a job is just a job yeah is is that is that the case here I mean sometimes a job is very stimulating there are challenges and problem solving and it uh it can be a source of personal growth but sometimes a job is just a job it's just a way of paying the bills sure and it it has been and is both for me you know um I think more and more I'm a little more like dis disenchanted with kind of the political climate surrounding it um that is kind of like a roadblock to progress in a lot of ways so um so your industry and you don't have to share what the nature of the business is but you're saying it's been been politicized and basically there are a lot of Hoops you got to jump through that have nothing to do with the real product yeah sure and I was part of the advocacy efforts for a lot of that and it just it felt like banging my head against the wall doing a second job that wasn't necessarily related to the primary you know responsibilities that I had inside our office so to speak um I'm wondering so I'm so curious like I'm wondering how much you would be willing to reveal to us what you're involved in and what the challenges were yeah it's it's it's Healthcare it's the the Home Health Care industry specifically yeah um and and I'm like an operations director and and we work with you know the Departments of uh medic care and Medicaid services so I've been engaged more on a a state level with um our State Medicaid department and aging departments specifically because we provide so much care to seniors um so there's I I've just been you know very active in in our state trade Association doing advocacy work um to basically get rid of barriers to to care for um like ly and disabled citizens and um yeah it's it's it's just kind of a it's a rough environment to be in and yeah yeah absolutely a couple times because it's it's the it's very political and it's there's big money and the people who are making decisions don't really think about the human side of things they're not really thinking about somebody's grandmother they're no no yeah that's exhausting and disillusioning and frustrating and heartbreaking I'm wondering let me just see let me just test the waters here as much as you did not enjoy that aspect of your job like you called it a second job in order to be able to do your real job I'm just wondering and the answer may be no but I I wouldn't know the first thing about advocacy for uh Health Care um you know eminently more about the subject than I do so if I wanted to make a difference in that area I would not even know where to begin but you would so I'm just wondering is somebody who has unique experience and unique Insight um is there any activism that you could be doing that would not feel like banging your head against the wall in in the healthc care space do you mean yeah that's where you have unique experience I know it's a sleazy environment and you've seen a lot of bad stuff but you know you were already sent there yeah and you already were exposed to it you already know M you know the ropes at least a more than 99.9% of us yeah well I I guess it's interesting you should ask that because I recently in backing out of a few of the advocacy groups reached out to a reporter to to share my experience and and see if there was because you know within the the conversations that we were having as an organization people were like you know we need to litigate or we need to we need to reach out to new sources and and no one was actually doing it and and when I kind of threw my hands in the air I reached out to somebody in in our state and and um you know we're kind of like going back and forth setting up a time to talk and that sort of thing but I I think that may be what you're referring to it's exactly what I'm referring to it's just trying to amplify it in a different way so we started off you you were talking about where can you find fulfillment where's your where's your calling and there may be there may be a lot of things that you are uniquely fit to do but here's one of them that I know is rare most people wouldn't know the first thing where to even get started even if they cared about the subject it sounds like you already know you know the situation you know the people you know the players you know the names you're in touch with them you have opportunities I know it's so exhausting because you're dealing with this this this machine and at the end of the day it's like real people's lives and quality of life and and it's heartbreaking to be up against that type of bureaucracy but that's for now at least that's how things get done everything is political everything is networking everything is who you know that's just the way that this world works for now um and if you have Insight yeah I think you got to use that I think God put you in those situations and gave you that education and now you got to use it and I know it's exhausting and I know that you sort of like stepped away from it because of the emotional um how how how emotionally draining it is but maybe if you could think about the fact that yeah right but maybe if you could think about the fact that as emotionally draining as it is you are certainly way more poised to actually make a difference than any the rest of us like I said if I wanted to get started I wouldn't even know what to do I don't know who to talk to I don't even know I don't know the terms I don't know what words to use you do yeah I I I guess one of the reservations I've had too is that coupled with the frustration and and the heartbreaking aspect for the compassion for patients is there's a frustration with the way that things do work and who does get help in in certain situations that I feel really uncomfortable talking about with some people because you know it it has to do with like immigrant communities and taking um advantage of the benefits that are afforded to them when they come in the the country so you know but there's there's a lot of a lot of excessive um resources that are pulled and taken advantage of in a way that you know has kind of held me back from that so I guess I've just been not sure where where to go with it but I appreciate your Insight I I think you know it's it's not your main job it's not I mean certainly doesn't directly pay the bills um it's what's that Echo I do I hear an echo um but it's it's it's activism and and it's something that you're uniquely poised to do and to the extent that you can do it without getting too burnt out I think it's an important thing for you to do obviously number one priority is to your family and then to your actual job but then with that is this unique form of activism you still with me okay yeah okay I am I am yeah just just kind of taking it in yeah are you you you how disappointing is it to think that this may be where your talents are going to be most featured and well-used it's intimidating I guess um um why it but I get it's not like something surprising because I've just been trying to figure out where to put that energy like where to direct it I was I guess I've just been hoping I'd find something else that I equally can be passionate about and can try pottery and put all that energy into took a lot of time potter's wheel you know with Clay you can paint it and get a Kil but yeah a lot of people can do Pottery um really seriously you were given a unique education I don't know how many other people there are in the world let alone in your state who know the inner workings of this world and are able to maybe make a difference and so I would definitely pursue that advoc advocacy uh Avenue for yourself and um call those reporters and yeah and if it comes to litigation yeah so you do that to whatever it whatever it takes a lot of times it's just really it's about I I got to tell you most things in this world it's not what you know it's who you know it's networking so you hang out with the people who make the decisions uh you end up having an influence on them so if you if you already know who the players are you have a leg up on the rest of us cuz we don't even know who to talk to and the people who make the real decisions are not the people that you elected into office is not the people who uh whose face is on the postcard that comes to your your mailbox a week before election day the people really making the decisions you know who's making the decisions are people working in some office who decide on policy and they have very specific reasons why they think that those decisions are the best I mean basically okay so everyone just should understand how it works politics is basically people with good hair and who know how to smile and speak in sound bites so they run for office then they have a bunch of people working for them who are the Nerds who actually understand and care about political science and government and actually could like tell you the different articles of the Constitution and those are the people in the office they make decisions they make decisions based on I hate to say it but what will keep them employed what will keep them employed is something called re-election so the guy with the good hair has to get re reelected so they make decisions based on what they think their constituents want that's how democracy works it's the ultimate form of pandering so at any rate it's it's worse than reality TV you know it's like the the sleaziest form of entertainment where you're just playing to the lowest common denominator that's what democracy eventually devolves into because you're just giving people what they want at any rate you know all of this go to lunch with the right people and um send them uh fruit baskets and whatever else you got to do and you know the game play the game and and right yeah no and what you're saying is that the active self-preservation is so Central to everything that is the government departments it just becomes how do I stay here how do we keep this going even if it's not working how do we keep this going yep yep that's what it that's what it's all about yeah and by the way I just want to pause there for a second remember I said before that the way that many people engage in self-care is a closed system which basically you take care of yourself so you have energy to take take care of yourself more and it lacks meaning that's what government is it's a system that perpetuates perpetuates itself for the sake of perpetuating itself oh which is ultimately meaningless and pointless and just breaks everybody's heart who gets near it but don't be intimidated and don't be dismayed you're going to make a change and you're going to help somebody's grandmother and uh help a lot of people's grandmothers and grandfathers and eventually all of us who need that kind of care so it it's it's a it's an incredible opportunity you have I I appreciate you thank you thanks for the time tonight okay thank you really I I appreciate your openness and your vulnerability talking about all these things and I really really think that you're going to accomplish amazing things please let us know how the lawsuit goes but a really good fruit basket could avoid a lawsuit so you have to weigh the two options okay okay awesome I'll keep that in mind maybe some celery soda celery soda yes absolutely yes you'll set them up with a 12pack of sellr I don't even think they sell it in 12 packs actually but yes that's right okay all right thank you yeah thank you okay we're gonna take the next caller all right that was awesome that was Melissa that was a great call and I think she's going to accomplish great things and I'm calling it right now there's going to be a made for TV movie about her life come back and tell me I'm wrong okay Michael welcome on the show Rabbi how are you bem thank God how are you doing I'm doing very well glad to hear it okay so what do you want to talk about well I think the the simple question would be am I going crazy or am I just having a sane reaction to an insane world as I become more myself that's the simplest way I can think to put it common question it's a common question yeah okay so let's talk a little bit more about it what uh what's this reaction you're having to this world which in some ways is an insane world yes well I would say that after a a long and invested journey of healing that totally consumed all of my focus and all of my energy and a bunch of various modalities I've arrived at a place where I really authentically feel more like myself than I ever have before and after expressly searching and seeking for my purpose either in you know the micro day-to-day life and also more broadly like what am I doing here on this Earth really feel like I have found it and what I notice is that on this path I've really increased in all manner of self-awareness and what that's led me to observe is two things one my intensity and my focus and my what I would just call Zeal for the objects of my the things that I'm most curious about has increased and it is not showing any signs of slowing down in fact it's only gaining momentum some people call them special interest on the special interest but then on the other hand yeah I notice how much more starkly in contrast I am to the world around me and I look at myself and I go boy if I didn't know any better I would I would absolutely think I might be somewhere on let's say the the DSM okay and at the very least score highly in some kind of neurod Divergence okay but when I explain that to my to myself and I feel it out I'm like no it everything makes perfect sense to me it just feels different than the world and so there were a couple of quotes that I I saw that made me think of that and that's how I simplified my question it's just you know that's a sane reaction to an insane World okay and so I just was curious for your your perspective on that on navigating that and right moving forward with that yeah so really the question is like this um would the world say that there is a pathology at play and if so would that make any practical difference in your day-to-day life I guess that's that's the question so I I I generally think people have good hunches generally so if you were to take a guess if you were just a hazard of guess in the worst case scenario what would they say about you they'd say Michael we got your diagnosis you are you've got you are you have ADHD and you are somewhere on the Spectrum not the and in the in the very yeah that's that's what I would say yeah and then I think in the very worst case you know it's because emotional management itself is a is a spectrum and if you are really down then that presents as certain other things then it could be you know hey this appears to be some kind of mania this is some sort of manic episode or or something and I don't my vices are I don't drink I don't smoke so I noticed myself I'm like oh you know what I think that I have a I think I have a shopping Vice I I think I'm stress shopping I think I'm stress um I think I'm stress reaching out to people but you know I also I live near Five Towns I'm here in the city and I'm also like no you know what you might just be you might just be a little lonely because of the way that you have chosen to live so I have less sedation available or I have given myself the option of less sedation right and there are a lot of plausible explanations why your behavior would be the way way that it is based on your situation so but here's here's really the question and I think I'm saying this knowing full well that people are listening and a lot of them are listening thinking like hey I relate to this guy like this could be me uh I've I I told somebody recently um that so this is somebody who's been watching me on YouTube for four or five years so I told him you know four or five years ago even today if you search for rabbis on YouTube I'm not on the first page but how much more so four or five years ago you would not find me in the top of your YouTube search so I told this guy if you were looking for rabbis and you ended up finding me and I kept coming up in your feed the algorithm isn't stupid you know a high indication of you know you may want if you're interested you may want to get a diagnosis you may find out you are neurod Divergent I I I said it as a joke but I said it you know every truth has a little joke so I'm just saying there's a lot of people listening right now the algorithm has summoned all of the sensitive people who are struggling with the falseness of this world the you know the the sensitive Souls who are feeling things more deep deeply and who are seeking truth and who are have those intense special interests like you mentioned and you know the algorithm summoned all those people and a lot of them are here and they're watching and they're like what Michael was saying I totally relate to that I totally relate to that I totally relate to that so my answer is let's just assume that everything that you are assuming could be true is true so you get up tomorrow how does that make life different you know it doesn't at all it just it doesn't at all it's just further confirmation that I need to go and find my people and I guess a more now that we talk about it and thank you that's a a very helpful and reassuring perspective Rabbi but the maybe a different way of framing this question would be you know how does one live a a Godly life in a world that seems in all manner of ways to have forgotten God yeah but that's the call ing of every soul in a body because if the soul were meant to be Godly in a Godly Place God would have kept it in heaven but the soul is sent down here to Earth to be holy in a place that is not holy so some people respond to that with horror and revulsion and they recoil from things of this world and they escape from the world various forms of asceticism and uh self- num numbing and distraction and other people go the opposite way and they say if you can't beat them join them and they throw themselves into Hedonism and Indulgence but the proper path and you know full well the proper path it's to be present here in the embodiment and to make use of the opportunities that you have in space and time to do something selfless to do something kind to do a favor for another person to to say a prayer and the fact that you're doing this in your embodiment in a world that hides the Creator from the creation that's what gives those acts value those those acts don't have value in heaven where the soul comes from they have value down here so instead of boning the state of the world we need to embrace that the world and its challenges were engineered specifically to be engaged with mhm and and there's a lot of like with all things but there's so many possibilities in that let's not called problem but in that yeah well let's just say for lack of better term in this context in that problem yeah there's no God makes no mistakes right it's just figuring out it's it's the agold question it's just figuring out so like the previous caller make the most of that like the previous caller okay so why did I decide that she should be involved in healthc care advocacy you know why for one reason there was one reason why I felt that that was something she should be involved in why did I think that's something she should be involved in it's what she's called to it's what she's closest to how did I know it how do I know you got clear on the it's just the reality asking her what's going on and what's real in her life ex exactly exactly very good how do I know that that's what she should be doing because that's what she's been doing so reality is a great indicator of you know reality and Truth are not always exactly the same thing but reality can often be a good indicator of Truth so the fact that she had that experience points at least a little bit in the direction that that experience has to be used for something so to ITT when you look at your life and can you look at the circumstances that you're in like you said God makes no mistakes yeah the way that you're going to show up in your embodiment and be of service is going to be idiosyncratic and peculiar to you because it's going to make use of the unique circumstances that you're in so it's not going to be identical to somebody else or to anybody else yeah and when I when I look at the the fruit that I've had since this I would say momentum has kicked off and started gaining an intensity it's like no the the results for others are so improved in my work it it has everything has gotten much deeper and much more impacted quantity and quality and let that be one of your main guides in life when you're trying to evaluate whether or not you're living right or not look at the benefit that you are providing others it's not the only metric but it's a big one and maybe even the most important one so when you're trying to figure out you know how am I living right now am I living well am I not living well and you look at well hm it seems to be benefiting a lot of people that's I'm not saying the only metric but it's a very strong indication that I'm not going to say you're on the exact right path but you're not too far from it yeah the the path is only illuminated as you walk it is something somebody said to me a long time ago and I think about that every day yeah like nope I'm creating order out of chaos we're getting closer yeah even closer yeah and that's the that's the fun part of of of trust you know I've really enjoyed your your series on um gate of trust and it's like no you just have full trust then yeah you don't know and when it becomes clear it's it's just you release and you have more fun correct and you can do more good correct and and that's the ultimate you know where it you said you can have more fun like when you realize even the scary stuff it's all under his control like yeah some it's not like everything that's going to happen in your life will always be pleasant but even the stuff that's unpleasant he engineered it he knows what he's doing just show up for it and do what you can do with it yeah yeah and then the unpleasant shows up the moment that you think that you've got it all figured out there comes another test yeah yeah well it's like the video game you know you clear one board and then you go to the next board yep yeah awesome Rabbi I I feel a lot better than oh that's so good okay awesome yeah all right thank you appreciate it all right we're gonna go to the next caller on the line Shira hello Shir hello hey there you're on the air oh wow okay so my question is I know Rabbi tab speaks often on neurodiversity I guess that's popular topic tonight and um in general algorithm yeah I don't know what to say about that anymore uh so far my algorithm keeps bringing this up again and again and it's coming up in um with parenting and with my kids um okay and in myself um but obviously this has to be tied to my my personal Journey as well and um maybe this should just become a support a support group help line um for this type of Journey but essentially um as someone who was uh discovered um ADHD as an adult and currently raising a kid with um with a newish uh diagnosis within the autism spectrum I'm very curious to know I know Rabbi tab speaks often about um neurodiversity from a spiritual standpoint and appreciating um appreciating you know that certain namos you you know have a certain uh like maybe connection to Hashem and to to EMS I certainly see that with my daughter in a very very thank God very obvious how old is she obvious way how old is how old is your daughter she's six she's six okay she's six but she's been talking um she's been a asking really complicated existential questions for years um and she's been diagnosed as un Spectrum yeah mhm yeah she has um but what's interesting and what I wanted to ask her by tab specifically was regarding this particular profile understanding how to best Channel her strength help her Channel her strength as her mother because what is what is so particular about this profile um I'm not sure if Rob to is familiar with it is that there is it's exactly what it sounds like the PDA is pervasive drive for autonomy or sometimes it's understood as um um uh pathological demand avoidance um both of those have all the challenges implied in their in their wording um as the parent and sort of flipped everything that I thought I knew about parenting on its head and since everything I knew about parenting I acquired through a MTH everything I thought I I I I acquired through um you know just years of healing and um and overcoming and working against you know the odds of dysfunction um I think this this is sort of like a new curveball um and a new lens and I just would love to hear Rabbi tab's um understanding and just words words of I need some some clarity here I need direction here and I need it like really specifically because I understand I understand the specialness and the uniqueness of the autism um just the general autism diagnosis and how that can come out and I've seen it like I said um but with this particular profile it's like it's a it's a level of Letting Go that I find myself tripping up over a lot more because the pathways to success are sometimes so unconventional Y and sometimes surprising like like if you think you know anything this is this is like my steepest learning curve and I've been I've been through it you know in other areas but this by far is just every morning it's like waking up almost I wouldn't say waking up to a new kid mhm because that's a little bit that's a little strong but waking up to a set of challenges that aren't predictable based on anything I've experienced the day or the week before whether it's School avoidance or it's like we're doing so great and super regulated and all of a sudden you know there's this you know this massive disregulation period that you know for the life of me I can't pinpoint the S the source of even though I was previously you know kind of on the money so to speak right and it's always just been important to me I think as a mother to to to keep my finger on the pulse and here I am being like Hashem I feel like you know I take from Child's parenting courses and I and I do like everything I think I'm supposed to do and I'm regul I'm working so hard to regulate myself and be there for my kids and just be present and and all of that and it's like what like what do I do with this like what is this what is it is it just rad is like my whole purpose just like radical acceptance like and and also I don't even know if I like that word because it sounds very new Agy yeah it sounds like how how do you transmit how do you transmit values to um to someone who has like an inherent opposition to any sort of um outside perceived out external demands yeah like isn't that what I does that make any sense that was a long ramble but no makes perfect sense I hope that was at least oh thank you I'm gonna cry just from having that validated makes perfect sense go ahead and cry it's it's a cathartic to cry are you 100% made sense made complete sense okay um so I'm not looking for tips and tricks like I do the hard work you you gave you gave a lot of answers you basically gave a lot of answers um the radical acceptance new Agy stuff yeah you know that I know you don't like the words but you already know that that's the answer why give it another name I know you're tripping up on the name give it another name you know no I'm tripping up over the PD a names okay we're not going to use that either we we we don't have to use these names these names are but it's not this go ahead go ahead it's not I know like in I know deep down this is not like it resistance is not to truth if anything when we having an issue today school related my husband my husband who's on the Spectrum himself and just tells it like it is is like the problem for everyone is that she's a human lie detector right she is she's a human lie detector test you cannot you cannot there's nothing you can do to get anything past her even if it's your subconscious that's trying to get something past her right so I am forced into like the level of self-work where every single thing that I that comes out of my mouth whether it's about mitas yish kite um the weather it doesn't matter I have to believe it has to be something I believe to be true wholeheartedly that's right and like not even likei like not even mostly it can't even be that I most like if I'm having an off day with my Bon like my kid is like I'm not going to school yep like it's the it's crazy it literally is that and I'm like I can't I have to live in a in a hole because I feel like you know the things that people complain about their teenagers like oh my teenagers like that I'm like okay you wouldn't if you could be a bird's eye in my house with my six-year-old like I'm you probably appreciate your your crazy teenagers right now because at least you don't have a human lie detector all the time and like so like when she was like three I told her a story and she was like I'm not kidding she said this she goes oh no it wasn't a story I was on the phone with somebody oh this is weird from a Healthcare company that's what we were that other caller yeah um before I hijacked your live calling um but that he the we I was talking to someone from a health care company and I was getting stressed out on the call on the Bluetooth in the car and I guess you could feel the stress in my voice I didn't say anything I don't think so so mean to the lady I just was like I need to get whatever it was like I really need this to happen or something I hang up the phone and my three she was three or four and she goes mommy I thought she was gonna ask for a snack she goes do you always listen to your Yates or toes and it's it's never it's never stopped like that's just sort of how it is all the time so when I told my brother the story he's like that sounds he's like you have you have abuse like you're living with abuse but yeah that's what like it's living on the witness stand the problem is is that I'm on the witness stand I want to help her to do her best but I guess that just really just means doing my best I don't know if I answered my own question but okay I don't know so let me just share one Insight with you which perhaps will be helpful okay okay so you mentioned earlier how do you transmit values to somebody who basically doesn't care about any external expectations external pressure external um norms and my answer to you is allergic to is allergic to yeah my answer to you is I want you you said you had to unlearn so much you had to let go of so many axioms okay I need you to destroy another Axiom that which one okay I'm going to tell you right now and it probably is based on the way you were educated but it's actually yeah well it's the way most of us were educated and it's actually based on a lie and this little truth-telling girl is forcing you to reject this lie that lie is that obedience has anything to do with values it's actually the opposite the person who has values does not have to be obedient they value right the behavior because of the behavior having intrinsic worth yes the obedient person never learns to Value the behavior Behavior they just do it because that's what's expected of them and they care enough about not being rejected or facing social sanctions so they do you know they go along to get along basically so this girl actually unlike the way most children are educated actually can learn values she actually can learn values in fact the only way she will do something is if she learns what the value is that's the only way she'll 100% that's right oh 100 so you're asking how will she learn values very simple by teaching her these values and not only will she learn them but part of her uh her special quality of of gravitating toward truth you didn't mention this but I would assume I would bet good money on it also overlapping with a strong in I would say even intense sense of justice oh yeah oh yeah right and calling out Injustice of course yes okay oh oh my gosh yes oh yeah since since he could talk yeah and she's always right which is a problem because I have to explain the world to her the world does not this is not like this like we the theme of like this is not the world this is not the way it's the world should work more along the lines of her world she's telling you the way the world should work and you're telling her and she's right and you're telling her the way the world does work um so what I'm telling you how do how do you really explain that in emotionally healthy don't you don't you don't you are beating your head against the wall you're exhausting yourself you're frustrating yourself you're speaking Chinese to her she can't understand it it doesn't make her understand it more it actually forces her to reject it more stop it every time you try to give her that reality check about what the world is really like you're actually forcing her to become even more zealous in her idealism what does that mean I don't is sometimes you tell somebody Hey kid you got great ideals but that's pie in the sky and the real world here's how you got to get along with people here here are the lies that we tell each other in order to be accepted and a regular person says no problem I'll sign on to that social contract she's not going to sign on to that and not only will she not sign on to it but she will feel the truth is under attack and in response to that attack on the truth she will become even more Vigilant and even more exaggerated in her in her zealous for truth and Justice and all of these idealistic principles so every time you try to tone her down and give her a dose of I don't want to call it cynicism but that essentially is what it is not only is it not accomplishing anything it is counterproductive because it forces her to go on attack or Counterattack in the name of her ideals so I'm going to suggest to you to never ever ever ever ever ever tell her the harsh truth about reality what is that can I can I know this is gonna sound so ridiculous can can I have an example well the hypoc the hypocrisy that is inherent in most institutions including uh schools especially relig religious schools so when tell her that stuff if you tell her that this is just the way that it is she's going to actually attack it more okay so what can I what is the alternative what is the alternative speak language maybe I'm just we have to speak her language have to speak her langu help is there what does that look like I mean I I feel like sometimes I do when it's not when I'm not triggered right right you know correct but I don't remember it it's not it's not intellectual it's like it's visceral and when I'm triggered I can't do it I don't even in our conversation right now I don't even remember what I do when when I'm doing it right so yeah a lot of your inability to communicate with her the way she needs to be communicated with is because you are being triggered because you're still trying to hold everything together you're still trying to manage yeah you're still trying to manage to get through the system without getting tossed out without it breaking you or you breaking it and you're going to have to let go of you're gonna have to let go of that because that's what's causing you stress every time she does something which is a threat to your ability to get through the system without it breaking you or you breaking it you get get triggered M and then you lose your ability to communicate with her in the way she needs to be communicated with so you have to let go I'm I won't use the word radical acceptance but you have to let go and you have to accept that raising this child is going to require all types of Creative Solutions that are not are not the norm and you're going to have to you're going to have to learn how to accept being a weirdo being an outcast being a pariah I don't mean to do that as a badge of honor there are people like that who lean into it and they make that their personality and I'm not saying to do that what I'm saying is you're not trying to incur social rejection you're not trying to shock people you're not trying to be different you're just trying to take care of your kid and if people disapprove let them disapprove yeah but then that still doesn't answer the question about you're not going to get her to school every day okay you're not going to get her to follow all the rules there are going to be costs there are going to be opportunity costs you are not going to be able to Avail yourself of every opportunity that is offered to the people who are willing to squash themselves into the system you can't have both it's not going to happen now so how do you know how do you how do you yeah okay my my guide to you would be if you do anything where you feel that you're killing your daughter's Spirit there's no justification there's no justification you have to nurture her [Applause] [Music] anyways Hashem doesn't make mistakes he know he knows who he gave to each Soul as a parent for this embodiment and there are a lot of lessons for you to learn from parenting this unique girl she'll teach you truth and idealism and and purity of heart all these wonderful things that this world see seems to have very little regard for but which really are are things of enduring value okay we have uh another caller so I have to I want to move on but um thank you for the call and uh yeah radical acceptance you'll come up with another term for it and let me know come up with more acceptable term thank you let me know what it is so much so I lost my my my pleasure I I lost the Google Doc I uh who's our next caller H AUA auua okay auua is this our last caller okay our last caller of the evening auua is on the line hi okay my initial question actually had nothing to do with neurod urgency but after hearing the past two calls I just feel compelled to just tell the previous caller that yeah please I have raised I have raised four on the Spectrum and each you have some unique experience um well each one present just because they're on the spectum I don't want to take away from whatever just before we before we go I don't want to take away from whatever you want wanted to speak about so why don't you go ahead and give a few minutes of personal experience to our previous caller and then we'll go to what you wanted to talk about before but go ahead I want you to to okay address so to the previous caller I want to say in terms of PDA because living with what the world has termed as PDA is the most nerve-wracking experience for any parent but avoidance consider anxiety both the child's anxiety because every single human being on the planet whether they're neur they ENT or not avoids doing things that they think they will fail at who runs to do something they don't think they can do nobody so forget avoidance forget radical acceptance and think anxiety is this task inducing anxiety because she has fear of failing is she not understanding what's needed to be done near does it need to be broken down simplified avoidance equals anxiety both yours the parent and the child because the child feeds off the parent and the parent feeds off the child and is and with that being said I'll say that these children are really when we learn how to understand them and deal with it then you see their incredible gifts and they in my opinion have taught me how to raise myself they were put in my life to get me to raise my own self and I say my kids will learn how to raise themselves when they have their kids but it it's it's extremely I I understand all the feeling but if you want to reach out to me um you could reach out could she contact you to get my number and I'm more than happy to yeah well you have my email so maybe send me your phone number in the email and I'll share it with her and yeah I'll email it to her okay that's great that's really awesome okay so what did you want to speak speak to me about before yes so I I just want to thank you so much for all your amazing content that you put out for everyone and almost daily your Instagram posts resonate with me I'm going to um very Loosely paraphrase one of them because I know it's not exactly you said and I understand that even changing the one word could change the Nuance so please correct me if I'm not saying it accurately but it was something along the lines of how does one know when it's time to leave a marriage and your answer was when it is uh bringing a person spiritually down and causing someone more spiritual harm then help that would signify if time to leave the marriage did I say that some yeah more or less more or less yeah okay so my question is twofold um how would one know if it is indeed the marriage how does one determine if it's actually the marriage that is causing them to have a spiritual downclimb or if it is their own um wrong interpretations and reactions to what is occurring um within the marriage that their own MOS and reactions are causing their spiritual down coin and before we even get to that is it even possible that a marriage can actually truly cause someone a spiritual declin yeah well let me maybe explain a little bit more what I meant In that clip so I think the the question you know the way the the way those clips are made is that somebody asks me a bunch of questions a lot of the questions are questions that are sent in by people who follow us on Instagram or who are um subscribers on YouTube um so I I answer a bunch of questions and they basically encourage me to answer as quickly as possible so that we can make these short reels but I'm going to slow down and tell you not a super long answer but longer than the 90 second clip they asked me a question like I think the question they asked me was what are most failed marriages have in common and as is often my way I rejected the premise of the question or I tweaked the premise of the question I said well you have to Define what's a failed marriage because I don't think a failed marriage means what the world defines it as most people say a failed marriage is a marriage ends in divorce and a successful marriage is a marriage where they stay married well I I don't is that the same clip does this sound familiar yes yes yes exactly 100% right so I said a successful marriage is a marriage that accomplishes something now usually typically the most important thing a marriage accomplishes is building a home for children that gives them a foundation to raise the Next Generation but there are many things that a marriage accomplishes but the point is there has to be something productive you don't get married okay it it pains me to even have to say this but the truth is we are constantly bombarded with brainwashing so I'm going to have to say these things we don't get married for companionship we don't get married for love we don't get married for romance we don't get married for uh fulfillment we don't get married for I don't know whatever it is that you're that that the people who are selling you shampoo are are trying to convince you that marriage is about you get married because it is one of the most important things that an that an embodied Soul can do in order to accomplish its purpose here on Earth so the main question to ask is not am I enjoying this is it leading to fulfillment am I experiencing love and connection ction and intimacy now pause pause pause sometimes what a marriage can accomplish in some marriages not all and I wouldn't even say the majority but in some marriages the intimate connection that the husband and wife experience with each other is so spiritual that that is one of the things that the marriage is accomplishing for some marriages I don't think the majority of marriages but some marriages yes that the level of connection they have is truly so altruistic that it is a spiritual connection and it is therefore making the world a Holier place when that spiritual connection happens in the physical embodiment and particularly in the act of marital physical Union where it is so physicalized and you're taking something that's so spiritual and so lofty and making it so down to earth that's an incredible thing that some marriages accomplished but other marriages accomplish other things not every marriage has to accomplish all things that marriages accomplish not every marriage accomplishes the same things but every marriage has to accomplish something when a marriage ceases to accomplish anything that's when the marriage ceases to ceases to have value okay so it's not when you get tired of it you get sick of it when you don't like the the other person anymore that's silly it's when this is no longer allowing me or I I shouldn't say allowing me this is no longer helping me to accomplish my purpose here on Earth now I'm going to say something else and I don't know how people are going to take this but some people come to the world well everyone comes to the world for something called N N means tests trials tribulations challenges overcoming obstacles hardships difficulties okay Every Soul comes for that kind of test or series of tests some Souls come to the world for a lot of tests intense tests some Souls come to the world and they really get a run for their money and that's what they come to the world for okay and because of that some Souls come to the world to have exp exceptionally challenging marital situations okay and I wouldn't tell anybody who's in that situation Oh What A pity you don't have a good marriage well first of all it's not polite to say that but even if they wanted me to even if they give me permission to comment on their intimate life I wouldn't even not only I wouldn't say I wouldn't think it I wouldn't think it because the truth is some people the way they are accomplishing something in this embodiment is that they are going through a challenging marriage and retaining their faith retaining their good cheerful disposition toward life retaining their their will to be productive and and that the challenge not only is not a deterrent to their being a productive person but actually in a in in the way that only challenges can do sort of the crushing of the olive that that that brings out the oil that the challenging marriage actually is eliciting deeper hidden latent potentials bringing out a person's uh hidden abilities so even as someone who would say my marriage is awful but I got to tell you from a spiritual perspective it's helping me to accomplish something in this world as as a soul and a body I'm learning faith I'm learning patience I'm learning compassion then I would say you're accomplishing you're accomplishing like I couldn't tell somebody you're not allowed to walk away but I I Would by the same token I wouldn't tell them that they have to leave because they're unhappy I would say well but you're accomplishing there's something happening here it's maybe it's not fun but it's productive okay so in country what if someone to tell so if somebody were to tell me follow me if someone would if someone to tell me I'm in a situation it's not personally fulfilling that's for sure not okay but not only that but it's not making me a better person it's not making me have more faith it's not forcing me to connect in a deeper way to Hashem um it's not making me more compass to others it's not Awakening In Me Greater empathy and an ability to relate to others who are also challenged it's not doing anything like that for me I'm just kind of sitting here being annoyed and hating my life I'd say ah well then you know that's that's an issue so but is is it that person's problem to to utilize the situation they're in to learn to better themselves within the situation or to learn to say um well that's a second question okay now now you're asking a second question but let's just first make sure we have the first question straight first question was well I don't know what nonproductive means because well I said it I said it already and now when when now that you're telling me you don't know what it means I'm going to ask you to either say back to me what I said or I'm going to ask you to could give me your own definition one either one you can tell me back what I said nonproductive means or you can offer me your own definition what nonproductive means I don't know if there is non-productive because if that's what occurred that's what Hashem wanted and the only reason why I say that is because I grew up in a nonproductive environment but clearly God wanted me to grow up in that environment called the phone now we got to it okay tell me about the non-productive environment you grew up in I think this is the key to it all um my father was emotionally abusive to all of us physically abusive to some of us uh my mother was very weak and allow it to occur and was a martyr and basically uh because of that taught us that loving someone equals murdering yourself um nothing productive about I didn't know that I that I was like that my I had an aema that had value until I went through enough hardships on my own and started learning on my own Clarity I I I grew up in an environment that taught me the opposite it was not productive to yish kite but clearly it was productive for what my soul needed to experience and what I need to experience now or I wouldn't have been born into that environment so what even though it's nonproductive by your definition it was productive because it produ it produced eight dysfunctional children that these eight children needed to be produced in that environment for whatever our souls need right I'm confused here do we disagree or do we agree on the definition of a productive situation I would agree except for the fact that by your definition of a nonproductive in situation I lived in that and it produced eight kids with severe dysfunction but clearly that was God's intention so then it actually was productive even though by your defin it looked like your definition of nonproductive I'm confused about whether or not you know what my definition of a productive situation is so I just want to hear it from you what am I saying would be productive or non-productive that productive means that even if somebody isn't hard situation they are working on their on themselves either they turn more to Hashem for for their strength and S more and and grow in their amuna and beone and good me and nonproductive would be somebody who's very angry resentful yes like I know in in my marriage I I was before I got married I was a very loving nurturing person and now I am not because I have to be the man and the woman I have to father the mother I'm I'm I'm my kids have no nurturing mother it's nonproductive by your definition it's everything opposite of what right got it should be got it okay my kids grew up in that environment have to that that was productive because that's what it because that's what occurred stop just stop just stop stop stop stop stop nobody here listening is going to be able to keep up with this if we don't stop a second please stop okay take the tape out of the tape player just stop okay I want to explain something not to you because I think you probably already understand this but to everyone who's listening Hashem is infinite infinite is big it's really big it's not just big it's so big that multiple things can converge perfectly at once for different reasons and yet even while one situation is occurring that's affecting multiple people it can have exactly the right effect on each different party that it needs to have in other words you can be raising your kids in a situation that is I'm not I don't want to say you okay because I don't want to personalize it right now let's say there's a woman who's raising her children in a dysfunctional situation it may it may come to pass that she will decide that the situation is no longer productive for her and at the very same time it was productive for her children it's not a contradiction it's not a contradiction even if it produced dysfunction you have to look at the full story sometimes the conflict is the setup for the resolution sometimes the problem is the setup for the solution so if you take a snapshot you'll say well this person has a messed up life but if you play the whole film then you'll see well they went through adversity and commensurate to their challenges they gained Insight that other people don't gain because they don't go through those same challenges but is the goal Insight or is the goal to be able to actualize that insight into serving Hasan better right very very well stated right Insight by itself that's not acted upon lacks value so correct thank you for adding that it's not just the Insight it's being able to act on it okay but let's Okay so and then okay let's go back okay cuz I I put you on pause while I explained something that was sort of a side point because you brought up the way your children are being affected I knew that as an educator I strongly suspected that that was going to distract a lot of people and they were going to get into a loop and I wanted to sort of get us out of that Loop let's go back to your now I'll put the tape back in the tape player okay so okay you're in a situation now now that you're saying is not leading you to what you consider to be uh ideal character attributes but rather it's it's instilling in you feelings of resentment is that what you were saying if only it was that it it is every possible negative that you could imagine but that's my problem I can't blame a situation or someone else right let let's let's just talk in theory over here let's say that you were told you have one more year to be in this situation and at the end of the year you're being forced to leave the situation but you will be evaluated based on the insights that you gain the lessons that you learn what experiences or internal shifts would you need to have over the next year to be able to leave the situation and say it made me a better person I don't know because um I've been living like that for at least six years just telling myself it's just till you know the kids are older just happen one that's not what I'm talking about I'm not talking about how how much longer can you survive I'm not talking about kicking the can down the road I'm doing a little thought experiment here where I'm pretending that you have a year left to study for the exam you're going to be given an exam a year from now and the exam is what did you learn from this challenging situation in what ways did it make you a better person it didn't it destroyed me that's the problem not today I'm talking a year from now this is a theoretical part of your life that you haven't lived yet so you have a year for this situation to make you a I knew I had to utilize it to make myself better I wouldn't be on this call I wouldn't have a problem I don't know this is just a thought experiment this is just a thought experiment there's no pressure here you have a year to make yourself a better person from this experience glean from it all of the life lessons that you can so I'm just curious in this pretend hypothetical situation what might you come away from this situation within a year from now I know what I would like to be but I don't we're just pretending here believe that I can do it okay you can hey you can say I want to learn how to fly this is Happ mother yeah World be I would be the mother that this can't be it can't be stop a second it can't be a nonse it has to be a cause and effect you can't just say magically at the end of the year I'm going to become a perfect mother that doesn't make sense then why would you have to be in the situation that you're in there's no causal relationship I need you to make a if then statement if I will be in this dysfunctional frustrating heartbreaking dysfunctional situation then I will be able to learn such and such lessons in other words don't tell me that magically at the end of the year you're going to become the perfect mother I need to understand how it's a cause and effect how the situation actually creates an opportunity you understand what I'm saying you do okay so say it to me in a way that is particular to the situation don't say it as a non seiter where I'm I'm going to become a perfect mother at the end of the year how based on what how is being in the dysfunctional situation you're in conducive to that how would it lead to that how would the particular challenges you're facing set you up for those for that for that breakthrough so that's what I need you to tell me not allow yeah not allowing others actions to affect me okay okay let's just stop there for a second because I I I want to focus One Life Lesson not allowing others actions to affect me so if you could come away a year from now and say you know what I gained a tremendous Insight I gained emotional autonomy I'm no longer affected by other people's actions so that would be a great thing to gain and it would be an obvious cause and effect it would be like oh I get it like you were in a situation where you had to learn that skill and and therefore you learned it so are you following me yeah okay so you asked me a question a while ago which was how do I know if I'm the problem or if the situation is the problem if the Situation's a problem I should leave the situation if I'm the problem I should fix myself so here's what I'm saying spend a year fixing yourself don't make any decisions right now you know one life lesson that you can learn while you're in this situation okay so see if it's possible to learn that life lesson in the next year it's a win-win proposition because either way at the end of the year either you will not have gained that insight and you'll realize there's nothing more to be gained here and then you'll have Clarity or you'll have gained that insight and that ability and then you'll have the option to remain in this situation because after all you've brought yourself to this place where you're unaffected then you have the option then you get to choose but if I fail yeah there's no real there's no real failure if I'm not able well if you're if it doesn't happen done that been there done that it works well it works but the Dynamics is the more I don't absorb the other person's issues yeah the stronger they create issues until they can get a resp it's like a taller who's going to keep tantruming until they get a response but they do other things other ways but it's similar thing so I could do it to a certain extent but eventually it will affect me so that's what I mean by failing um so I can do it but not completely and this has been something that I've been working on for I want to say at least three years now okay um okay and and but it doesn't mean but it still means that I need more work on me not necessarily that I'll repeat what I said before I'll repeat what I said before that at the end of the year if you end up gaining if the end of the year you end up gaining whatever it is the lesson the insight and you become this super person who's able to tolerate all types of dysfunction and it doesn't bother you it doesn't touch you it doesn't rattle your cage in any way shape or form then you have the option to stay or you have the option to say you know what I'm above it doesn't bother me anymore but just because I can tolerate it doesn't mean that I will so you have all the options open to you but right now it seems like you sat in a really difficult class and you didn't really learn what you needed to learn to get an A on the test so you went through so much of it already why don't you just finish it off and learn what you need to learn from it unless you're telling me you don't want to in which your case I'm not forcing you to stay I mean I have I no no I'm not telling you no I'm not I'm not I'm not saying that I want to know what has has put me in the situation for a reason but what that reason is I'm saying well we know one possible reason that you feel that perhaps it would be a lesson to gain to learn to be emotionally autonomous that means to be able to choose joy and purpose and focus and Clarity even when other people around you are being crazy and if you can gain that that has a lot of applications Beyond marriage it has applications in almost every aspect of life right and on the other hand my brain tells me yeah go ahead go the other on the other hand your brain tells you what you're going to you're going to sit around and there's going to be no difference and you're going to just waste more time and become more jaded and more resentful but more than that my I could argue that hasem coming the situation for me to say that I am a person of value and don't deserve to be treated like this and I you told me you already learned that to care for my soul you told me that you already learned that oh well and like like you said before intellectually but I never I didn't take the steps to to actually carear for myself by leaving so are you telling me that the same thing so are you telling me that the same lesson that your father taught you which was that you do not have value that you internalized that you only learned that it was wrong intellectually but you never really unlearned it in any meaningful way and that you still don't know clearly that's why I married someone like clearly because that's why I married someone with similar different but similar yeah issues as my father clearly that's correct it is extremely hardwired even though I know it I'll tell to my kids but it doesn't mean I truly feel it enough to act differently because it is high wire hard wired into my brain from birth so what do you want to do what I want to do what hasem wants me to do like in one of your talks I heard you say that a person could always be satisfied within themselves themselves knowing that Hashem gave you Hashem gave you everything you need well this is what Hashem decided I needed but why did Hashem give it to me so that I could ask that is so untenable that it's going to force me to actually act on the fact that I don't deserve this and be able to take and force me to take the action to actually care about myself and do something or am I supposed to perfect myself within this I don't know why Hashem gave it to me I know Hashem gave it to me but for what I'm trying to make it simple I don't know what you're supposed to do I don't know what you're supposed to do did I say that already I'm going to say it again I don't know what you're supposed to do but I do know that for the present by present I mean this moment there has to be something productive so either you're going to learn emotional autonomy and how to rise above other people affecting you or you're going to learn to Value yourself and not tolerate mistreatment or maybe some other lesson but there has to be some lesson that you're learning right now I don't know what you're supposed to do I don't know if you're supposed to stay or go I can't tell you that but I do know that if you're here right now you're in the situation right now not talking about tomorrow talking about now then there has to be something you're learning from it and I think you have some ideas already of lessons that you need to internalize so instead of asking yourself does hasem want me to stay or does Hashem want me to go which I don't know the answer to and you clearly don't know the answer to it yet and you may at some point gain Clarity but right now you clearly don't have Clarity so then don't ask that question I feel like I do but I doubt myself oh then go ahead by all means if you have Clarity what's what's what does AEM want you to do no I but I say but I doubt myself I feel so first tell me what you know and then tell me the doubt first tell me what you know and then tell me the doubt let's do step one and then step two you said I know and then I doubt myself so tell me what you know and then tell me how it's not true step one what do you know I know that I and my kids and nobody and even my husband doesn't deserve to live the way that we are living that this is an we're living in an untenable environment for any human being and no one deserves to live like this that I know I know that I'm scared of misinterpreting what hasem wants from me because if I the wrong stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop are you telling me what you know or did you sneakily transition into your doubt because I didn't hear you oh okay fine okay I know that no I want you to tell me can you hear me by the way I'm I'm screaming so that you can hear me do you hear me when I'm speaking yes I hear okay so I need you to listen to me I need you to listen to me I need you to listen to me I want you to stay on one track tell me what you know and after you're finished telling me what you know then we can explain how it's all wrong and it doesn't make sense and you don't know what you're talking about but first just tell me what you know and then when you're done tell me you're done and then we can undo it all okay the bottom line that I know is that a wants me to learn to Val to truly value my Essence not just say it but feel it and do what's ever required whatever action is necessary in order to live with that knowledge and act upon it that I have gift that hasem bestowed upon me that I'm supposed to use in this world for good and for just for and to um value that and utilize it instead of quash it and live a nonfunctional nonproductive life I know that okay okay okay that was beautiful that made sense you spoke with conviction you spoke with Clarity and you said I know that everything you're saying I know that okay now stop I'm going to give you an opportunity now to undo it go ahead take it all apart tell me how it's all wrong no I know that but the question is how do okay I attain that did Hashem put me in this situation because I'm supposed to Ain it like within the situation so here here's the thing or is a situation no nobody knows nobody can tell you what you're supposed to do but here's the thing you have certain knowledge and you have it actually very clearly and I gave you an opportunity by the way to argue against yourself you told me I know but then I doubt I know but then I doubt and then I said go ahead and tell me all the doubts and you declined actually you know you can go play back the YouTube Replay I asked you go ahead and tell me how everything you just said was wrong and you were like no actually it wasn't wrong I know it I know what I was saying so you don't even doubt it you don't even doubt it do you understand that does is that what I'm saying to you does it make sense to you I don't D I know that to be the truth I don't doubt that so here's the you attain it how do you attain it that's another question that's another question [Music] nobody can tell you what to do I can't tell you to get divorced I'm not going to I'm not going to tell you that I don't know you I never met you I never I didn't speak to your husband there's no way I could have an opinion on something like that but what I do know what I do know and I know it because you know it and told it to me really really clearly is that you don't deserve to be in a situation where you are mistreated and you know that very very clearly now what are you going to do about that I don't know I don't know I don't know but what I can advise you and this is just my advice and you know there other people also give advice so I hope that you speak to other people not just me my advice to you is stick with what you know stick with this truth which you have eloquently and clearly conveyed and the more you focus on this truth the more you focus on what you know to be true the more you will eventually have clarity about your course of action you don't have C clarity about your course of action yet you don't you don't you have clarity about you have a clarity about a certain truth the more you focus on that truth the more you will eventually have clarity about your course of action the course of action will become apparent to you and when the course of action is apparent to you I don't even think it will be difficult in other words follow what I'm saying you're stuck right now trying to figure out what to do and you're not going to answer that question Focus instead on what you know to be true and the more you focus on what you know to be true the more you will eventually come to clarity about your course of action and when it happens it won't even be difficult right I do agree and I I I I feel like I'm there just I don't trust my self because something else you wrote on that your father used that psychology of people trick them own they they live a fake life that they could trick themselves and I get scared maybe I'm tricking myself I don't want to hear this I don't want to hear I don't this is self-defeating I don't I don't want to hear about yeah no no I don't want I don't want to hear you spoke very clearly very eloquently you know what you know let's let's not pretend that you don't know what you know let's not let's not play that game why why why you doubting yourself focus on the truth focus on what you know to be true ignore the doubts and as I said I'll say it again you don't have a course of action clear to you right now you don't you don't you don't you just don't but you know a certain truth and that truth is that you have value that you are worthy of respect that you are precious that you are beloved in the eyes of your maker these things you know you know without a shadow of a doubt so focus on these things that you know until a course of action will present itself to you don't ask yourself what to do ask yourself what you know to be true and keep reminding yourself of what you know to be true until finally you know what to do about it do you understand what I'm saying does this make sense okay you're getting caught when you just said when you said that the last time for the last time it sparked something in me that I just got this feeling like Yeah the more I focus on that truth the more I will live that truth and embrace the gifts that Hashem did give me and do what I'm supposed to do with it regardless of where I am I just got that knowledge and feeling and understanding this was the big this was the big this was the big sentence can you say it back to me again say wel back this sentence this is the whole thing this is your truth say it back to me I don't want to I don't want to forget this that I'm beloved to Hashem that that sentence whatever it is say to me it's your truth what was the spark you said you had a spark yeah that if I actually keep telling myself I'm inherently good I'm inherently loved by Hashem I have a purpose in this world then I will live the more I tell that to myself the less other uences will negatively affect me and diminish me and I'll be able to live from that truth who I'm going to need to do whether I'm in this situation of other actions making me feel differently I'll just keep telling myself the truth okay but that's very hard but I felt it for a second and I'm gonna be annoying I'm GNA be so super annoying and everyone who's watching right now and who's like weirded out and they're like this T guy he's too weird for me so I just want to explain to everybody I'm not here to entertain you not speaking to you right now I'm speaking to the people watching I'm not here to entertain you okay I'm I'm here to essentially well what am I here to do um help the people who are calling me now the manner which I help them um it's a process the process is really it's not about making people feel good it's about getting people to a place of clarity this particular call I'm sure many people are watching this and they're like this it wasn't a pleasant call I'm going to be very Frank it was not pleasant it was a lot of it was like a tooth extraction it was like a real like a like a like a a root canal okay but I want to tell you something we got to the core we got there okay so I'm not here to give people entertainment I'm I know this was an excruciating process it was excruciating for me and I know it was at least I sensed that it was excruciating for you but we got Clarity and I so therefore I'm going to be annoying I'm going to be annoying and I'm going to be boring I'm not here to entertain anyone or hold anyone's interest I want you to tell me again I'm so sorry but tell me again the truth because I don't know were we talking for 30 minutes how long were we talking for you saw how long we 40 minutes about and I find at the end of end what you did okay at the end okay thank God that you didn't find it too painful we we invested 40 minutes okay we got this sentence that is so gold it's so gold I'm I want you to say it to me again please say it to me again you don't have to have the perfect words just say your words tell it to me again because this is your truth I actually like your words I think that's okay whatever use my words whatever you want just tell me tell me the truth I need to know the truth that I have inherent value yes I am loved by my Creator my Creator put me here for a purpose yes um my Creator Believes In Me yes and I know for a fact yeah I know that hasem has given me well yes I do know that hasem has given me a specific gifts and talents to be utilized in the world which I have stolen from the world as I felt myself getting more and more diminished and I don't mean to do that no matter what anyone else says what Mak me feel like because I could just keep focusing on the truth of the fact that Hashem Believes In Me and Hashem loves me and put me here for a purpose and that's what I need to focus on that's correct and that when you focus on that the course of action that you need to take will reveal itself and that you don't have to figure out the course of action you just have to keep remembering the truth I agree and I appreciate it and I actually found this extremely fascinating not painful at all and I appreciate than God because I want to tell you something I I like I told you this was a tooth extraction but you were awesome I think probably a lot of people watching were screamish and they're like what is he doing screaming at her I want to tell you something you were awesome and in 40 minutes we got to the core this was the thing that unfortunately growing up in your home you were told the opposite and now you know that this is the truth you have value you are precious you are beloved and you're here in the world to shine your light and not to diminish yourself for anybody and if you'll just keep reminding yourself that that then what you need to do about it will become clear and the more I live like that the more I will internalize it and S to actually feel it inherently inside me right yes that's right that's why I'm telling you keep repeating that truth internalizes the word you use the perfect word keep reminding yourself that truth keep reminding yourself that truth yeah but I have to act on it I tell myself I already you don't have to worry about that I'm making it simple for you just keep repeating the truth when you internalize it it'll come out it'll come out in your behaviors it'll come out in your choices not only that it'll come out in the choices that you even observe are possible a lot of times we have choices in front of us but we don't see that there options so we don't act on them so it's not that we don't have the ability to choose it's that we don't even see what the options are available so the more you repeat to yourself that truth the more you're going to see the options that are available understood and I agree and I appreciate it thank you so much thank you for the hard work thank you for the hard work thank you thank you okay awesome call okay and you you know what have a restful shabas you deserve it you worked hard tonight okay you should in my light this is easy this is compared to the rest of your crazy life this was a picnic okay great yes it is okay now I got to go back to Crazy the other mother she could feel free to reach out to me I understand czy EMA email you email me your number and I'll give it to the previous caller so you can talk to her about some uh parenting neurodivergent kids uh tips and uh advice and like that okay awesome you are awesome thank you thank you thank you okay all right that was our last call okay gabis okay so jfyi yes I know that was a long call I know it was a Meandering call but I want to tell you something we got to the end we got to it we got to it it's a tooth extraction sometimes you have to go in there and you're digging and but if if if if I work and the person I'm talking to is working and she was working she was working she was locked in well she she you know what happened I don't want to speak about her well she hung up she's probably listening now on on the on the live that self-doubt crept in and that was like the distraction that's why I kept on trying to bat that away that's that's that voice of self-doubt was just taking us like the second we were gaining traction like the self-doubt was coming in and like making everything slip away so that's why I was trying to Keep Her On Track and bar she kept working hard and that was awesome awesome caller and uh yeah I'm sorry to those of you who were bored or those of you who found it uh weird or who were squeamish about it but that's what hard work looks like and that was an awesome caller okay so I didn't have fun um no I did not find that enjoyable but I feel like it was time well spent that's that's how that's basically how I look at life by the way people ask me like having a good time no I don't have good times that's not what I do not JJ I'm not having good times I like that reference I'm here to to be productive here to accomplish something I feel that was a productive call cuz the the caller was working hard and that's what life's about okay anyways um I'm tired is there anything else you said all anything else to talk about no we established like this custom of having like this uh musical uh finale so you want to sing a song with me you said all sure okayy doesn't want you to sing Mendy said don't sing a meny's on tonight he's making jokes about Alex Jones in the comments um what do you want to sing you said all whatever you like whatever I would like okay hold on a second I'm going to turn on the other mic okay hold on talk into that mic okay yeah all right testing testing yeah you're on okay fine can you like lean in I don't know if I can get in this shot you're going to get in this shot okay I don't need I want I don't want people to see my messy desk so I need you to just poke your head over here bring your head over here I can get I don't know if I can get in it's all right I'll I'll I'll sing from here you sing from here yeah okay what are we going to sing your what do you want to S what whatever you'd like okay let just a disclaimer we're not like uh we're not professionals we're not professionals you know no you you have to get in the shot stand go I'm not going to get the mic then we'll work it we'll figure it out for next time we'll do it can you just poke your head in a little bit M can't get in okay fine forget it okay but we're gonna sing together okay [Music] m sh [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Laughter] meny Herz is making comments Mendy come on down to the studio it's a f minute walk it's a well he's at Cove he's at Co save it's Thursday night he's at my favorite store he's at Cove right now dealing with all the Thursday night Shoppers all the Jewish ladies come in Cove and they're saying do you have what's the big um Mendy Herz what's like the big item that the Jewish ladies are asking for tonight like the Thursday night right before midnight they're coming in and what do they want what what item are they asking for what's the big popular last minute shopping spree item I don't know waiting for him to respond okay you saw anything hold on a second hold on hold on [Music] there we go now everybody can see now everyone can see how messy the desk is this is why we're building a full-size studio in the sard's house at the aisle the whole basement is going to be Production Studio Video Production Studio so all right so now you're on you're on camera okay all right what do you want to sing again your decision my decision yep okay um inner peace inner peace that's the answer inner peace the the ladies are coming to co safe Thursday night looking for inner peace okay how about this um [Music] do you want to tell us about that song the previous song We sang No no no no they heard they heard enough of my talking need to sing a song need to sing a song okay we going sing this [Music] hi I am [Applause] [Music] okay very good any any uh let's do one more you have something what's the date what's coming up what's coming up what's coming up hey Tavis is coming up is that too fast to sing We we could do a little uh but M okay how about this you ready mhm [Music] my [Music] [Applause] [Music] excellent you said all this is why Isel is our beloved you want you think Mali will come on no no not right now okay no not to sing obviously not okay thank you Mali for giving us Isel that's Mali is isel's wife so it was mis neish of her to come down here she's here she's just not in the studio she's in the Next Room to let me make use of her husband who happens to be my son I knew him first Maly but you know you have to raise your kids and they move on they grow up and have their own family you got to be just grateful that uh they still come around and I appreciate all of your help is people don't realize by the way is is the one who basically runs the call system and then puts it all on a Google Drive Dock for me to look at so that I can know who's coming up in the in the queue so thank you Uso and thank you Mali and tyel and mhi the two couples who really pushed that this should happen and are involved in it every every single week and make sure that it happens every every week okay blessings to all of you have a restful shabas I'm going to end the stream [Music] you okay let me just shut off