What If I Don’t Feel Anything in My Marriage Anymore?… and More Real Questions Answered

What's one question couples should ask each other every week? This might sound a little ironic, but I'm actually quite serious. You're gonna want to ask the question why. It's helpful to know not just what your spouse likes, but why he or she likes it. As soon as you learn about what your spouse likes, try to figure out why he or she likes it. Ask questions like, "When I do this, what difference does it make to you?" Because when you know not just what your spouse likes, you know why your spouse likes it, you're actually getting to know your spouse better, and that makes a huge difference. Can a marriage thrive without constantly working on it? No. Some of you may be watching this thinking, "Well, I have a very happy marriage and I don't put that much effort into it." If I were to challenge you, I would find out that you're doing something maybe unintentionally. Maybe you're doing it by accident, but you're doing something to make this work. Because connecting two people that are from very different backgrounds, very different genders, very different cultures, connecting two different people are connecting two different worlds. And it's a mitzvah. It's a very sacred thing. And when it happens, it's incredible. But it's not easy. It does take work. And if you feel like it doesn't take work, great. But it definitely takes work. You got to do something. It won't happen by accident. What does Judaism teach about love that most people get wrong? When you try to connect to the best version of your spouse, but not because of how it makes you feel or not because of what it's going to do for you, but because this is who your spouse really is. You bring out the best in your spouse. Not for you. I'm not saying it shouldn't feel good. Should feel good, but that's not why you're doing it. That's love. The most pure form of love is not what am I going to get out of this? Is not what am I going to miss if I don't have this. That would be fear or FOMO. The most pure form of love is totally focused on the other person, which makes you a more pleasant person to be around. By the way, what's a better goal than improving communication in marriage? Couples often feel like their communication isn't good and that's what they need to fix. And it's so often not true. When a couple comes to me and says, "We need to improve our communication." The first thing I ask them is if your communication was to a satisfactory level, what would that do for you? Well, we'd probably feel more connected. We'd probably feel more intimate. We'd probably be more respectful. Great. Those are the things you actually need to work on. Communication is just the pathway. There might be other pathways. Don't get distracted by the pathway. Focus on the actual result you're trying to achieve. Is it possible to start fresh in a longterm relationship? You've been married for a while or maybe you haven't been, but it feels like you've been married for a while and you feel like you need fresh energy in this relationship. Yes, it's absolutely possible. You can refresh this relationship. You can reboot the relationship. Rebooting the relationship, by the way, is literally built in to the laws of mikvah and to the laws of family, family purity in Judaism and Jewish practice. And relationships can definitely and should be refreshed in a healthy kosher way. What's one thing I should stop doing today to improve my marriage? Man, that's a great question. Limit screen time and limit what you watch when you do have screen time. Be very selective with where you allow your eyes to rest. Dedicate your eyes to your spouse. How do Jewish values help couples stay connected through hard times? The Jewish value of marriage means that you not only like each other and you're not only friends with each other, but you're actually connected with each other. If you just see yourself as friends or someone that you like, well, that can fluctuate, especially as hard times hit. But if you see yourselves as inherently connected, then even at the most difficult of times, you can ask yourself, if that feeling of connection showed up right now, because I know it's there, how would I notice it? And you can challenge yourself to recreate it, to grow it, to look for it. What's a powerful way to show love that doesn't involve words? That is a question that requires a lot of attention, paying attention on your part. Ask yourself, when does your spouse most notice your love, even when you don't say it, ask yourself that question. Think about it deeply because that's a question you're going to really have to look for in search. And when you do, you're going to be able to replicate that. What does a successful marriage really look like? Get to know your spouse. Get to know not just what he or she likes and appreciates, but get to know why he or she likes what she does or what he does. How can I bring more holiness into my everyday relationship? You know what the word holy means? Holy means distinct, special, unique, separate, different from all else. Make your relationship with your wife or with your husband different than your relationship with everybody else. And make it exclusive. Which means, by the way, and this is important, not everybody's opinion is welcome into this relationship. Because I've seen couples who have a connection and have a relationship and friends have advice to give and it's not good advice always or parents or in-laws sometimes even therapists and rabbis be very selective with the advice because the relationship is distinct, holy and sacred.